Why Betrayal Makes it Feel Like Your Whole Life Was a Lie

Lora Cheadle [00:00:04]:
One of the hardest parts about facing betrayal is the fact that it impacts your whole belief system. It disrupts the way that you think the world will look and it makes you feel like suddenly your whole life was a lie. And that's what I want to talk about today. How so often the hardest part of dealing with an affair isn't just the affair. It's not just the heartbreak, it's everything else. It's the fact that this internalized map that we have all been caring about, the way the world works, we suddenly see is not valid. And it shakes us literally to our core. I want you to start by thinking about the way you grew up, what you were told about the way the world works.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:09]:
I mean, first of all, so many of us grew up watching movies, Disney movies, happy ending movies, all the movies where things work out, where the characters go through all of these trials and tribulations and we get so anxious for them, but it always works out at the end. And yeah, sometimes it takes a while and sometimes there's some twists and turns that we didn't see, but it's pretty much always a success story. And that's what we have been trained to believe, that if we work hard enough, eventually we'll succeed. If we're good enough and kind enough, people will love us. It's this very transactional belief that if I just put in the hours and the dedication, it's going to turn out for me. I recently read a study and I cannot find the original study, but it was about the belief systems of people in America and how most people in America are honestly believe they are on the verge of greatness. They believe they are on the verge of making it big in career, in. In love, in life and relationships.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:30]:
That most people really believe. They fundamentally believe that as Americans we are living in the land of opportunity and that that opportunity is just around the corner and that everything is going to work out for us. And the article went on to talk about how in many ways, yes, that's positive because it keeps us uplifted and forward leaning. But also it, it was very detrimental because so many of us then started feeling like. Like we were not getting what we were entitled to. And they were specifically talking about, I guess there's a certain male population out there that, what are they called? Incels, Involuntary, involuntarily celibate, who believe that it's women's fault, that they are entitled to love and companionship and relationship and that it's women's fault because they are fundamentally entitled to It. And it was like extrapolating all of the things that we think we are entitled to because we were fed that. And I think so many of us really think we are entitled to our happy ending.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:48]:
We are entitled to love and joy. And again, it's such a mind twist, because, yes, on a spiritual level, we are. I firmly believe that I am. That you are. That we all are entitled to that perfect joy and love and happiness because of who we are. We are divine children of God. And yet, at the same time, how do we balance that with the fact that not everything works out for everyone all the time? And how can we stay motivated and realistic all at the same time? And even though that's not something that we talk about a lot, it's something that comes up internally when we are faced with infidelity and betrayal because of all. All of a sudden, the map of the world, our cognitive understanding that if I do good, good things will happen.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:54]:
If I. If I treat other people fairly, they will treat me fairly. If I dedicate my life in service to this company, this relationship, this community, then they will serve me. That whole map gets broken, and all of a sudden we see and we realize these institutions that I thought were here to protect me are crumbling. These people that I thought were here to protect me and to have my back were not. And it is so destabilizing and disorienting. And it was really interesting because the other day I was working with a client, and she said to me, laura, you're like my orientation leader. I am all of a sudden aware that the world is not the way I thought it was.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:48]:
My marriage was not the way that I thought it was. People are not the way that I thought they were. Like, my eyes are being opened to so many new possibilities, some that are good, some that are not so great. But you are my orientation leader. And it really cracked me up, because in college. Do you want to know what my favorite job actually ever was? My favorite job ever was being an orientation leader for new students. In college. I loved it.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:26]:
For two years, I worked the summer program where we met with the parents and we met with the students. And we oriented the students and their families to campus life. We oriented them to this whole new experience, to how college is different than high school, how living in a dorm is different than living with your parents, where, you know, where things were, where resources were, what to do for help, how to do the courses, how to get set for a major. Like, I loved my job as an orientation leader. So when this client Told me, oh, my gosh, Laurie, you are my orientation leader. You are my orientation leader to not only life after betrayal, but life after betrayal. It really cracked me up because what she said rung so true. It's not just orienting people, orienting her, orienting you to a relationship, to a marriage, to a divorce, but it's that deeper level getting oriented to a world where suddenly you realize it's not fair.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:42]:
Where suddenly you really realize, whoa, hurt people do hurt people. Where you suddenly realize, I can do it all right, and everything can still turn out wrong. And that, my friend, is a big shift. And that is a big thing. The we have to reorient to. Because you're not just grieving a relationship with another person and what they did. You were grieving yourself. Like, I grieve the sweet, innocent person that I used to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:18]:
I grieve that young wife and young mom. I grieve the emotionally neglected woman who is trying so hard. But I really, really grieve for the woman who thought the world really was fair. I grieve for the woman who is naive and innocent enough to thought she. To think she really had control over her life and experience. Like, that's a lot of grief, as you know, especially if you've done work with me one on one. We do a lot of archetypal work. I was the proverbial little girl for a long time.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:05]:
I look at the women not only in my family, but in past generations. I feel like for a long time, women have been encouraged to stay the little girl, to be the little girl, to be compliant, to be good, just be good, Toe the line, Be good, be sweet, be kind. And then all of a sudden, betrayal forced me to grow up. And it's interesting because it's not that I was powerless. It's not that I wasn't grown up before, but I was grown up in a different way. Yes, I supported myself. I was a lawyer. You know what I mean? Like, I raised a family.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:47]:
I did all of the things. I paid my taxes. I was an adult, but I wasn't an adult. I didn't have this level of wisdom. It's the princess to the queen. I had to grow up. I had to put my childish beliefs behind me that good things come to those who wait, and that if you only try hard enough for long enough, it's all going to work out. And I had to start trusting myself on an entirely different level.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:29]:
And again, this is the conversation that we're going to be having today. You are probably going to Want to listen to the show a couple of times, you know, once to kind of get some of the concepts and then to breathe with for a while and then to go listen to again and be like, yeah, I gotta take that one deeper. This is about seeing reality for the first time, dealing with the pain, the stress, the trauma, honestly, of seeing reality for the first time. And then how do you build a new map to orient yourself to this new reality? Because quite frankly, betrayal does drop you off in a whole new reality. And the map of the world that you had before does not work. Betrayal is not just the loss of a relationship. It's the loss of the entire belief system that life works the way that you thought that it did. It's so similar.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:37]:
I've mentioned this before, but the movie the Matrix, I love it because in that movie, he is dropped off in reality. He is unplugged from the Matrix, and he all of a sudden sees reality for what it is, and it's not pretty, and he doesn't know what to do with it. And let's just talk about that in terms of you and your heart right now. How does it feel right here, right now? Put a hand on your heart. Put a hand on your stomach. How does it feel to realize, whoa, good people can still get hurt? Being loving does not guarantee loyalty in. In return. Breathe.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:27]:
Just it. It's a gut punch. I mean, let that. That feeling of that gut punch land so you can name it and so you can process it. Following the rules, following all the rules does not guarantee the outcome. People are more wildly complex than you thought, and life is just not fair. Feel that. To me, it feels like a gut punch.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:05]:
I want you to name it for yourself. What does it feel like to hear those statements? Because when you can name what it feels like, it takes it out of that fight, flight or freeze. It takes it out of the amygdala, that fear part of your brain, and it moves it to the prefrontal cortex, which is the rational, reasonable thinking portion of your brain. So when you can name, it feels terrible. It feels like a gut punch. It feels frightening. Then that fear has had a word put to it, has had an emotion put to it, and it becomes more manageable. I also want you to notice, like, for me, for so many people, I think it feels like suddenly nothing is real.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:00]:
Suddenly you question your memories. You question your judgment. Why didn't I know that? Why didn't I see that? You question your identity. Who am I? How could I have been so stupid? I know that Was a big one for me. How could I have been so stupid? And, yeah, you question your future. And I think what's sometimes harmful about a lot of betrayal recovery is it launches people into the future. What are you going to do? What do to. Are you going.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:30]:
What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And that's really valid. You do need to figure out what you're going to do. But it's also really important to go that level deeper. It's not just, what are you going to do? Where are you going to stay, are you going to go? That's not really the question. The question is, how am I going to manage a life where I need a new map? How am I going to build this new map with these new assumptions in place? Because my old assumptions have been broken. With these new assumptions in place, how am I going to build a future going forward from there? Not just are you going to stay, are you going to go? But how are you going to navigate this new reality? That's what matters. How are you going to navigate this new reality? What tools do you have to navigate this new reality? What allies do you have in this new reality? Who are the people around you that also see this reality clearly? Because sometimes we have people giving us advice who still have the wool pulled over their eyes, and then that's not helpful. Who are the helpers? What are the tools? And how are you going to get the help that you need to orient yourself to this new reality? If you have ever said to yourself something like, I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like my whole life was a lie, or I don't trust myself anymore, those are the very common phrases of people who are living in a new reality and have not yet answered those questions.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:29]:
And what I want you to know is those questions take time to answer. So if you're sitting here and feeling this panic, I don't know who to trust. Who does? See, clearly, I don't have any tools yet. I haven't built a map. That's okay. You will. You can. I'm here.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:53]:
And together we will do this. Because again, the deepest part of betrayal is not just that somebody lied to you, not just that somebody you trusted lied to you. It's the reality itself does not feel trustworthy. And when reality doesn't feel trustworthy, we collapse, we implode. Which is why this podcast is named Flaunt. Flaunt is the reminder of the direction that you are heading. You are not heading towards collapse. You are heading towards to expansion, you are not heading into crumple.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:40]:
You are heading into flaunt, Openness, expansion, clarity, new world and power. So speaking about clarity, speaking about disorientation, when you're disoriented, how do you feel? You feel crazy, right? You feel crazy. And what I want you to know is, first, you're not crazy. And second, when was it? Five years ago, My husband and I went on an anniversary trip to Greece, and it was great. And usually when I go on trips, I really prepare, I watch videos, I read books, I search places online. And things had been so busy that we just hopped on the flight, backed our suitcases, and ended up in Greece. And we're like, we'll figure it out when we get there. And the very first thing that hit us was reading the signs.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:48]:
I don't know if you've ever been to Greece or to one of the Asian countries, but I think what was so disorienting about being in Greece was some of the letters are the, quote, normal Alphabet that we're used to. And then there's all the Greek letters and symbols. And it was like, wait, what is this? I don't even know what that is. I don't know what that symbol means. And it's like, we're so used to being able to see things with our Alphabet. An A is an A, even if it's written, even if the words are different, like, even if it's written in French or Spanish or German, the letters are the same. And then in Greece, there were some letters that were the same. So it made me feel like, oh, I should be able to read this.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:40]:
And then all of a sudden, there's all these random Greek letters, and my brain would stop, and it was like, I. I feel like I'm supposed to be reading this because there's some regular letters in here, but I can't figure it out because I don't know what these other letters are. And it really kept me in that loop of trying. Whereas when you were in a country like China, where the writing is not the Alphabet, it's characters, your brain doesn't even try to try. It's like, I cannot read Chinese. I cannot do it. I'm not acclimated to that. I'm not conditioned to that.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:17]:
So my brain doesn't even want to try. Whereas in Greece, it created so much anxiety because my brain was always trying to figure it out. So then I was always confronted with the fact that, you can't do this. You can't do this, Laurie. You don't know. And it created anxiety, panic. And that's how betrayal is for you. There's things that you know and there's things that you don't know, which sometimes makes it worse because your mind is telling you you should be able to figure it out.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:49]:
I see the letter A, I see the letter W, and I see the letter X. I should be able to figure it out. Oh, my God. None of this is making sense. So I want you to think about that. You're not going crazy. Your mind is seeking to make sense of the situation. And when you understand bits and pieces of sometimes makes it worse.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:16]:
Like if you truly don't understand any of it and you're like, dude, I'm out of here. None of this makes sense, and you're out. Sometimes it doesn't create as much anxiety. Sometimes it creates more anxiety when you understand little bits, but you just can't put all the pieces together. And I want you to know that, and I want you to think about that example the next time you are spinning, the next time you are spiraling, the next time you're laying in bed at night with that sense that if I just try hard enough, I can figure it out. I think there's just, like, one more thing that I'm not seeing. And as soon as I see that little piece, then it'll make sense. And what I want to say to you is, probably not.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:08]:
It's probably not just one more piece of information that you think you need. It's probably not 10 more pieces of information that you think you need. Oftentimes, getting the answer doesn't bring closure. Closure is a whole other myth that we have been conditioned to believe. If I just know the answer, why? If he just tells me this, if I just figure out what she did or what she wore or what she said, we have this idea that if we just get one more piece of information, then we will get that perfect closure and we'll be okay. What if I were to hand you the map, the new map. And the new map said, getting that one more piece of information will not bring you peace. What if that new map said, closure is not really going to happen? You might never know why.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:18]:
Oh. Again, go back to what we did at the very beginning. Putting. Putting your hand on your body. Putting hands on our bodies is really healing because it anchors us. Oftentimes when we put our hand in our chest, it's like, oh, I'm anchoring my heart. I'm putting those broken pieces back together. When we put our hand on Our belly.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:43]:
It's like, yep, I'm here, I'm solid. You can put your hand on your head, you can hug yourself, you can press your legs, put your hand on your body. When things feel out of control, when things feel too big. That's one of the tips actually. When your thoughts are spiraling, put your hand on the top of your head, put both hands on the top of your head. Push anchor, heels of the hand on your temples, just rub, give yourself, give those thoughts kind of a place to anchor, to smooth and to calm. And if those spiraling obsessive thoughts are really, really an issue, go to a fair recovery for women. It is the very first link on my services page.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:42]:
It's a stop the spiral seven day program that will really help. So hands on your head, gently massaging those temples, touching your body, grounding that energy into you. I am here now. I don't need to decide anything now. I'm rewriting the narrative. I'm getting a new map and I've got this. Affairrecoveryforwomen.com now, on the flip side of getting a new map, I really want to talk about the reality of not getting a new map, I really want to talk about the reality of staying lost, of staying broken, of staying resentful, of staying bitter. Because even though so, so much of what I said can kind of sound depressing, like the world isn't a good place, you can do everything right and it cannot turn out in the end, having that reality anchored is actually a really strong source, a motivation and awareness.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:59]:
And if you're momentarily feeling depressed, please know you're not alone and please know that's normal, that is completely normal. But it is from this awareness that you will rise, that you will grow, that you will leave the bitterness, that you will leave the resentment and that you will move forward. Because when we start playing by the old rules, well, first of all, it doesn't work. Sadly, we know it doesn't work. But second of all, then the more that it doesn't work, the more bitter you become. And then it becomes that self fulfilling prophecy. All men cheat. A leopard never changes its spots.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:55]:
Something is wrong with me. I can't tell you how many women have told me, I think I have the words cheat on me stamped on my forehead. When you are operating off the old paradigm, off the old map, you set yourself up for that negative spiral because things won't work out for you. You will never get there using the wrong map. I mean, even just looking at the road system, if you Were to use a map from the 1800s, it would be very difficult. The roads that are here today are not on the maps from the 1800s. So it's going to be frustrating. You're going to get lost, you're going to waste a lot of time and then you will start feeling bitter and you will start feeling resentment.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:56]:
The best thing that you can do is get aware and create that new map so you don't have to stay stuck in that space of confusion, so you don't replace conversations, so you don't spiral and then again, so you don't stay in that basement depressed place of oh my God, the world is a horrible place. Now, in service of creating that new map, here's a few things I want you to know. First and foremost, the goal of betrayal recovery, the goal of healing, the goal of creating the new map is, is not to return to where you were before. And I know so many of you say things to me like, I just want life. I just want my life back. I want things to be normal again. And I get that. I really wanted to just wake up and have this whole thing gone.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:58]:
The goal is not to pretend that life is fair. It's not to move into this hyper positive bypassing. It's going to be great. I'm going to get the love of my life finally. Nor is it to become bitter or cynical, any of that. The goal is really truly to create a new kind of trust and a new kind of awareness. And it's trust and awareness that lives within you that will never go away. It's trust that you can handle really hard things.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:45]:
It's trust that you can rebuild and rebuild again. It's trust that you'll know what to do. And even if you don't know what to do, you can find someone to help. It's trust that at the end of the day, you still are connected to things that matter, whether it's family or friends, whether it's a career that you love, whether it's animals or tending to the forest or cleaning up the beach, that you are able to find those deep levels of connection with and commitment to the things that mattered most to you. Because the transactional way that we have all been raised is you do good to get good. And to me, healing means you do good because you are good. You love because you are a lover. You are kind and gentle because that is your spirit.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:55]:
You give loyalty because you are loyal. You hope because you are hopeful that you are all of those beautiful, wonderful things because that's the essence of you. And that if things work out, you celebrate them. And if things don't work out, you can release attachment to it because you know at the end of the day, you did the right thing based on who you are and for yourself. There's so many things that we really do attach to the outcome. And when we shift, release that attachment and become fully committed to our own conviction that this is who I am, I can stand in this room and be the only honest one. And I feel good about myself because it. Because of it.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:05]:
I do things because it matters to me, not because I'm trying to manipulate or get a different outcome. I do things because this is who and how I want to be. And I think that is just a different way of looking at the world that a lot of us aren't really aware of because we live in such a transactional world. If you invest, you will get a return. If you study, you will get an A. If you get the more education you get, the more money you will get, the better you are at this, the then the better of that you will get. If then, if, then, if then. And I really want you to ask yourself, what is true for me now? Where have I been conditioned to believe that life is transactional? And what do I believe now? And does that give me stress? Does that give me anxiety? Because it is safer to feel like we have control.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:31]:
It is safer to feel like if then. If then. And what would it be like if the only person this mattered to was me? The only person that this mattered to was me. It's like, what that's. That. That saying about. I forget what it is, but it's about good people do things when nobody's looking. Or what matters is how you act when nobody's looking.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:13]:
When nobody's looking, how do you act? And are you proud of that? Are you putting on a face for other people? Because we all do. But are you aware that you're putting on that Persona, that you're putting on that mask? I have a friend who has. Giving a TED Talk right now about putting on the mask of professionalism and showing up at work with that mask of professionalism. And it mirrors my book Flaunt. My. My book Flaunt, Drop your cover and reveal youl smart, sexy and spiritual self is all about the masks that we wear. It is about dropping that cover. But the thing is that the deep work in Flaunt is realizing it's a mask.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:08]:
Because I wore the mask of being a good girl forever. And I didn't think it was a mask. I thought I was a perfectionist. I thought I was a good girl. I thought I was all of these qualities and traits that I think are good. And to a certain extent, I am, and I was. But also, to a certain extent, it was something that I wore in order to have others respond differently to me. I will look appropriate, I will act appropriate, it will speak in an appropriate way, and I will get the response that I expect.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:55]:
I mean, think about it. If you are dressed like a crazy homeless person, if you speak in really, like, loud, shouting, nonsensical tones and start wandering through the street in a bathrobe with, you know, a shopping cart, people will respond to you differently than if you speak in normal tones and you walk down the street in a gorgeous, expensive business suit. Like, it makes so much sense. It's the way things work. We don't even think about it. And yet what are the masks we are wearing to hide us to ourselves? Where am I not really allowing myself to be seen not only by others, but by me? Last week, I got an email from a client who had originally agreed to share her story on the podcast. And we recorded an episode, and I sent it to her so she could review it. And quite some time later, she.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:14]:
She sent me the response. The response just came last week, and she said, I'm really sorry, but I'm finally looking at myself honestly. I'm finally seeing a bunch of things that I've been unwilling to see before. And I listened to my words before, before, and they're just not true. And I don't feel comfortable having them aired because I don't want people to think, even though it's an anonymous thing, I don't want people to think that's true because I'm finally letting myself see myself clearly. And that. That right there is the gold. That is the gold that is getting down through all of these layers, the layers that the patriarchy, our family, religion, culture, like, all of those layers, and then all of those layers that we've put on ourselves, all of those masks, this is getting to that ground floor that says, whoa, the map I was given is wrong.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:29]:
The map I constructed for the world is wrong. And I just have to be here at this base level of reality for a bit, feel that disorientation, and then speak honestly enough with myself to say, you know What? I was BSing myself before, and now I'm ready to see. I'm ready now. It's scary. It's unknown territory. I don't have a map, but I know that I don't have a map, which is truly the most powerful place to start. I know those around me who also see clearly. I know where to get help.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:24]:
And I trust myself to take this journey, and I trust myself to move forward. And that, to me, was the most beautiful testament of healing. That, to me, was the most beautiful testament of what is possible for us on the other side of betrayal. Because I think there's a lot of conversation, a lot of talk about kind of these gloriously false things that are on the other side of betrayal. You know what I mean? Like, you'll be empowered and you'll be free and you'll be amazing and you'll have the best relationship ever. And yeah, and also, no, because let's get real. It's hard. And you can have a much better relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:19]:
But it doesn't mean every second of that relationship is going to be amazing. Nor does it mean that that relationship could be permanent forevermore, that neither of you will ever go through anything. It means that in the best of worlds, you now have a partner who also sees clearly. You now, how now have a partner who is also helping construct this map of the new reality and that you were working together to construct this map so it can go a little bit faster. It's about creating a new reality. Betrayal recovery is about creating a new reality. And that really is the gift of betrayal, is it rips away all of the blinders. You see clear, your partners see clear.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:24]:
And then you have to come to terms with the fact that I didn't waste my love, I didn't waste my loyalty, I didn't waste my hope, I didn't waste my life. I was good and kind and hopeful and loyal because that's who I am. And that's enough at the end of the day for me to look in the mirror and be like, dang it, Lora, you were incredible. You gave so much. You self sacrificed. You really did well. And I see my shadow, too. I was good, I was kind.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:00]:
I did self sacrifice and I self sacrificed. I sometimes became a martyr. I leaned into perfectionism. I closed myself off. I sometimes had a holier than thou attitude, like, here's all the really good things I did and here are the shadows of every single really good thing I did. And I see that now. And it's not about making me better or worse than I was. It's about seeing who I was.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:32]:
And same thing with Sean, same thing with your partner. They did some horrible stuff and they did some good stuff, too. That's Again, something that comes up a lot of times in one on one sessions when people say, I can't let it go, I can't let it go. I can't get over this. I can't get over this. Well, are you seeing your partner? Your partner or your ex partner? Clearly. Because sometimes when we think we want to get over it, what we do is we villainize and we demonize our partner and we think of, I'm going to remember all these horrible things and I'm going to do all of these. And they're horrible and they're awful and I would never do that.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:13]:
And then we set them up in our mind as evil, as a villain, but then there's all those good memories inside of us and that creates cognitive dissonance. If I have just declared him a villain and I have good memories with a villain, how does that work? Or I've set him up in my mind as a villain, but oh my God, I still love him and I still love our life together. And I feel complex emotions. I feel some pity, I feel some shame, I feel some sadness, I feel some love, I feel some hate. I feel some disgust. We are all good and bad. We are all right and wrong. And sometimes when we villainize or demonize our partner, it blocks our own healing.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:03]:
Because what we're trying to do is we're trying to make ourselves the angel and we're trying to make them the devil. And that's not it. They are not just devil and we are not just angel. And then our brain goes like, oh my God, but if I did something wrong, then that means I caused it. No, you can do a lot wrong. You can do everything wrong and you didn't cause it. It's that we are all good and bad, right and wrong, angel and devil, all at the same time. And your partner's choices ultimately had nothing to do with you.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:45]:
And this is betrayal recovery. This is the complexity of it. You're disoriented. You don't know what is real. Reality, even among all of us on this side, is not just one thing. It's about knowing who you are, good and bad. It's about knowing who they are, good and bad. It's about knowing who to trust.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:09]:
It's about knowing who shares the same, the same gift of clear seeing with you. You know, in the intuitive world, they call it clairvoyance. Clear vision. Going through a betrayal journey makes you clairvoyant. Going through betrayal makes you clairvoyant. It gives you the clearest seeing powers of Your life. And sometimes we can't unsee things, and sometimes we don't know how to see things. There's that story of an indigenous tribe on an island, and that when the boats came from the Spanish conquerors, they couldn't even see the boats because their eyes didn't know how to assimilate boats.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:59]:
They didn't know what they were looking at. They didn't know what they were supposed to see. So they literally didn't see the boats. It's like with animals looking in a mirror. They say they don't know they're supposed to be seeing what they're supposed to be seeing. So it's harder for them cognitively to figure out what they're seeing. Whereas we know a mirror gives you your reflection, and because we know it's our reflection, it helps us interpret what we're seeing. You are in a whole new world.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:32]:
You are in a whole new reality. And of course, it's going to take time to interpret what you see. And just like me going to Greece and the Greek Alphabet, there's pieces, you're going to be like, I got it. And there's other pieces, you're going to be like, I don't got it. But that's what that trauma, piece of betrayal trauma is. It's the trauma of being here and not knowing how to interpret it because you feel so helpless. And because it brings up everything else. It brings up the ways you've been betrayed in your career, the way friends and family have betrayed you in the past.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:14]:
It brings up the way you have been betrayed by government, by politicians, by experiences, by life. And then suddenly there's all this evidence that this is a different world. And you're like, I feel like my life was a lie because in a lot of ways was. Now it is now. It wasn't alive then because you had the map for what you thought it was, but it's a lie now because the map has changed. So what is true for you now? What are you seeing for the first time ever? And how is that making you feel? What are you just on the periphery of seeing, but you're not really sure you want to see yet? What are the things you're intentionally trying not to see? And what would it be like if, for the first time, you were willing to see clearly? Betrayal uncovers the truth. Betrayal uncovers the truth at the deepest sense. Betrayal creates that disorientation.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:55]:
But just like you have oriented before, you will be able to orient again. I am here. The people in my community in My Sanctuary of the Soul. I think that's what. One of the reasons why it's so comforting to be in a group of others who see clearly for the first time. In the same way, you know, sometimes it's really hard to be with people who haven't been here because they don't get it. I've got a friend whose child has cancer, and this summer they are going to cancer camp. And that's one of the greatest benefits that all these kids can be together.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:46]:
And they know what each other has gone through, and they know what each other is experiencing, and they know all of that. So they have the same map. They don't have to explain, they don't have to prove. They just get to be together in their comfort, in their discomfort, in their fear. And that's what Sanctuary of the Soul really, truly is about. It's being together with other people who have had the blinders ripped off. And whether you're in the first stages of shell shock, like, oh, my God. Or you're somewhere in the middle, still grappling with building this new map, or you're way on the other side and you're like, I'm just here to support other people and to keep.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:37]:
To keep my own vision clear. We're all in the same bo. We're all in this together. And truly, it's one of the safest places for you to be, to figure this out, to be with other people who see clearly, because it is the women in this group who will give you keys, who will give you the map, who will help hold you when you're like, I'm spinning because this is so not the way I was taught that life would be be. And they can tell you their stories and their experiences, and together we can find this common ground. We can build and move forward together. If you're in this place right now, if you're anywhere in this new reality, not right now, where nothing feels real, where you don't really trust yourself. You feel like your whole life was a lie.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:49]:
I just want you to know it's not just you. At the end of the day, it's so good to know what is real. But you don't have to figure this out alone. I can walk by your side. I can be your orientation leader. I can be your soft place to land. This is not about being pressured to decide, am I going to stay or am I going to go and what am I going to do? This is not about pressure. You don't need anyone telling you what to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:27]:
You need someone who understands the landscape, who can help you make sense of what happened so you can stop spiraling, so you can start regulating and calming and trusting yourself again. And truly, that's. That's what I do. That's what I live for. That is what being an orientation leader is all about. Whether it's in the group program or whether it's working one on one, sporadically, or deeply held in a container. I really, really want you to get to that place of clarity where you stop second guessing yourselves and you start anchoring in and becoming yourself. You can learn more about my programs@affairrecoveryforwomen.com if you are just ready to hop in the sanctuary, that's Sparkle Allseason.com a fair recovery for Women or Sparkle all season.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:38]:
And if you haven't already, download your free Betrayal recovery guide@betrayal recoveryguide.com because in whatever capacity you need support, I am here to meet you there. I am here to be your guide and to offer wisdom. Not solutions, but wisdom. Deep, embodied wisdom. Think about everything that we've talked about today. You know, think about the. The depth of pain that anybody would experience having their entire worldview pulled out from under them, learning that it's not about being the good girl. Wait, what? It's not about being the good girl? Then what is it about? Give yourself compassion.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:43]:
You've been through a lot. It is scary, it is shocking. And it's okay to feel what you feel. And if it feels right, I even encourage you after this episode just to pull out some paper and a pen, pull out a journal if you have it, and just go do some writing. Some journaling. 15, 20 minutes, whatever feels good about what you thought the world was versus what you now know the world to be. You can rant, you can rage, you can be mad. It's not about making a positive.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:31]:
It's about getting it out. Reach out. Affair recoveryforwomen.com Sparkle allseason.com have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are. Because who you are is always more than enough.