Why Being the “Good Girl” Keeps You Stuck After Betrayal (The Hidden Cost No One Talks About)

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide. Dot

Lora Cheadle [00:00:32]:
foreign. To talk about the hidden cost of being good after betrayal, the hidden cost of not playing fair, that's a different story, but of being nice. Because if you're anything like me, you truly were raised to. To be nice. And then when you were in a marriage, in a relationship, it really was about being nice to the other person. It was about being kind. And I want you to just take a second here with me now. If you have been trying to handle this well, if you have been trying to handle this gracefully, being calm, being reasonable, being understanding, if there's a part of you that has been thinking like, I don't want to overreact, I don't want to blow my marriage up.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:34]:
I don't want to destroy my family. I want to do this right, then this episode truly is for you. Because there is a tension between being in integrity, which is important, and protecting others to a point that you are protecting others at your own expense. Because what I see over and over again with the people that I work with is usually the women who stay stuck the longest after betrayal are not the ones who fall apart. They're the ones who are holding it all together. They're the ones who are being good, who are still on some level, performing that they can make this okay. And that's what we're going to talk about today. When you.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:43]:
When 1. When she is kind and thoughtful and capable, when you're the one really who can understand the other person's side. Like, even when I was hurting, even when I was really devastated, there was a part of me that also felt compassion for Sean. I was falling apart. But I could see the way he looked at me with horror, with intensity, with pain. And it hurt my heart for him, too. Because you don't just go from being in love with someone and being in relationship with them to hating them overnight. He was still my husband.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:40]:
He was still my partner. He was still all of those things. And to see your partner hurting hurts you. But what I didn't realize and what so many of the women that I work with, I think don't realize is some of those qualities. They are the exact qualities that have made us successful and kind and compassionate and relational and all of that. But those are the same qualities that keep us stuck. Yeah. The same qualities that make us good, strong partners are the same qualities that keep us stuck, prevent us from moving forward after betrayal.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:33]:
So that's really the hidden cost of betrayal piece that I kind of want to move into next. The hidden cost of betrayal isn't just doing it alone. The hidden cost of betrayal is staying as that version of yourself. Staying in that version of yourself as someone who is kind but is maybe not as boundaried as they could be. Staying as somebody who is compliant but who is abandoning themselves and their truth is along the way. Because when you're not putting yourself first, it automatically means you are prioritizing the other person's comfort. And again, there is a tightrope here that I am walking with you. Because so many of us, so many of you, we have been trained to take care of things, to process other people's emotions, to make it okay if our kids are falling apart, if our spouse is falling apart, if some other family member or employee is falling apart, we make it okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:53]:
You know what I mean? We spend our lives making things okay. We make our friends feel better. We smooth things over and it becomes a habit. But it also becomes a piece of our identity. I am the person that people come to when they need problem solved. I am the person that people come to when there's a lot of misunderstandings and people are feeling anxious and stressed in chaos because they know I can manage it. Those are good qualities. Those are leadership qualities.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:31]:
Those are qualities to be emulated. It's something to be proud of. And there is also a point in time when it's about taking care of yourself first. It's about letting other people manage their emotions. It's about being able to say what you want to say, to speak your truth. And if it hurts somebody, trusting that you know what, either they can manage their hurt or they can't. But either way it's not my problem. It is not up to me to manage their hurt.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:08]:
It's not that I'm creating more problems for other people. It's not that I'm not doing the things that I need to do, but I'm just not over functioning anymore. Take a breath and I want you to feel into that. Because when you are living as the good girl, when you are living as the good girl, the one who cleans up messes and takes Care of things. You are making decisions from a place that is. Isn't authentically you, From a place that's not grounded in your own agency, authority, and peace of mind. Have you ever stayed longer than you wanted to stay in an interaction, in a relationship, in a marriage, in. In a conversation? Like, where are the times? And the places where you have just tolerated and stayed with something longer than you wanted to? On the flip side, one of you left before you were ready.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:19]:
Like, one of you just moved on, even though you weren't ready to move on, but you knew you needed to make somebody else happy. That going back and forth, that saying yes when you mean no, like all of those different patterns, those behavioral patterns of biting your tongue, of not really saying little white lies, it distorts your sense not only of reality, but of agency. And it makes you feel like your power is that indirect, in through the back door kind of power instead of that direction power. And so often people will talk about it as being like a masculine power. You say what you want, you ask for what you. You negotiate by asking what you need or asking for what you need and think about your own languaging. Are you the type of person who says, I want this, I need this, or are you the kind of person who says things like, it would be really nice if I would so appreciate it if. Gosh, it would make things easier if I didn't have to.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:37]:
That's that first place of noticing this good girl syndrome, of noticing this hidden cost of trying to heal on your own after betrayal, without somebody pointing some things like that out. Let's talk about this whole assumptions trap. What is an assumptions trap, you might ask. I'm so glad you asked that. Most women after betrayal go to one of three places right away. The first place they go is, oh, my God, this is a marriage problem. This is a crisis. We're having a marriage crisis.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:21]:
I need marriage counseling. Or the next place they go is to he needs help. He is so messed up. He broke this, he did this, he needs counseling, he needs that. Most women go to the he needs something or to the we need something because this is our marriage problem. And the thing is, those things might be true. However, none of those things will work unless you are being true to yourself. None of those three, none of those two things will work.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:59]:
Marriage counseling or having him fix himself. If you are still playing the good girl, if you are still managing his emotions, if you are still smoothing things over with your family, with your extended family, with his job, with your job, with whatever it is you can't heal if you are still playing the role of the good girl. And the reason I call this the assumptions trap, we make an assumption that it's about a marriage because it's a marriage issue, or we make the assumption that it's a him issue. The reason we do that is, well, first of all, he did cause it. He who didn't cause anything. But second, because we're doers, because we're capable, because we are used to cleaning up messes and solving problems, because we are used to people coming to us and saying, how do I fix this? Help me smooth this over. So we automatically make this assumption that we are responsible for doing that, that we continue to be responsible. So we need to dive into marriage counseling because we're a part of that.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:11]:
Or we need to get him set up with some sort of therapist. We need to get him set up with sex addiction Anonymous. We need to get him set up with. And my whole point around that assumption is assumption trap is what would it be like if you assumed differently? What would it be like if you didn't assume it was a marriage problem? What would it be like if you didn't assume it was a he's got to get himself fixed problem? What would it be like if you just took a breath, took a beat, and was like, whoa, it's not that it's a me problem, but it's a me opportunity to do things differently. It's a problem for me to do things differently because the problem is I was not the problem. The problem is I was never the problem. I'm going to tell you a little story about that. A few weeks ago, I went to Washington, D.C.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:35]:
to be on Good Day D.C. d.C. Morning show, and I shared the clip in my newsletter. So if you haven't seen it, you can Google Fox 5 DC and infidelity and you'll find me. It's a great clip. But right after the clip aired, I was in the green room packing my stuff up and the host came in and she said, that was an amazing interview. Can you come back this weekend and we'll do a longer segment? And I was like, yes, that would be amazing. And there was a guy who was in there for another clip on astrology, and he was like, ooh, what were you all talking about? And we were like, we were talking about infidelity.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:22]:
And he's like, oh my gosh, that's amazing. What sign are you? And I said, well, I'm an Aquarius. And he laughs and he's like, then you're the problem. And it hit me kind of as a gut punch, but also there was truth in that. And I took it in the way that insulted me less. I took it in the way that, yeah, I know I'm the problem, because here's why. I am the problem. Whether you believe in astrology or not, these are some personality traits.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:59]:
My personality trait is I am accommodating, I am helpful. I am good with people. I am a people person. I am a problem solver. I understand relationships. I am a great communicator. I can make people see different sides of a situation when normally they couldn't see it. I can do all of these different things.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:27]:
And I think most significantly in all that I have this ability to get on task and to not take things personally. Sometimes I'm like, I gotta do it, I gotta do it, I gotta do it. I'll process that later. I'm gonna do this. And I'm efficient. And then I see other people who are struggling, and it's not that I take on their pain or take on their problems, but in a lot of ways, I do. In a lot of ways, I solve those problems because I can just do. I've got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:03]:
I've got this. Like, literally, I've got it. Just give it to me. I've got it. And yes, there were many times in the past where that would come from. A martyr place, like, just give it to me. I've got it. But there's also so many things that I am capable of doing.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:20]:
So it's like, just give it to me. I've got it. Honestly, I've got it. Just the other day, I made an offer to somebody to clip a meditation out of her file because she was like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to hire somebody. And I don't know how to do it. And then I think I'm going to rerecord. And I was like, no, no, no, seriously, I have audio editing software. Send me the zoom file, tell me what you want, cut out, and it'll take me five minutes.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:47]:
I can do that for you. And that's who I am. I honestly want to do it. Does she have the money to hire help? Oh, my God, yes. She's got more money than I do. She has more help than I do, but I can just do it. Let me just do it. And that's why when he said, oh, my gosh, you're an Aquarian, you're the problem, I had to look at myself and laugh because that's why I am the problem.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:17]:
Because I am capable, because I can do things, because I am efficient, because I am capable. So what makes me the problem is my capability. What makes me the problem is my emotional intelligence. What makes me the problem is the fact that I'm so darn good. And truly. I say that from a place not of like, oh, my gosh, I'm amazing and I'm perfect at everything. I'm not. But the things that I'm good at, I'm wildly good at, and I am wildly efficient at.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:56]:
And I know how to do it, so I do it. And that in a lot of ways is what co created the infidelity situation. I just did the things in the marriage that needed doing. It was easier for me to drive the marriage train than it was to sit back and ask or hope or pray or whatever it was. I just did it. When he was in a bad mood, when he was grumpy, when things were falling apart, I didn't slow down, back off, take the long route. What I did was managed. Okay, he's in a bad mood.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:43]:
I'm backing out. Okay, he's in a bad mood. I'm doing this. Okay, he's in a bad mood. I'm. I managed it. So the problem was I always made things better. Now, again, I'm not saying I caused him to cheat.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:59]:
I did not cause him to cheat, But I just managed things. I took care of things. So I didn't allow certain problems to come up. I didn't allow our marriage to become derailed and fly off the track earlier. Because I managed it along the way. I thought it was really good to manage things a lot along the way. It's easy to Monday morning quarter quarterback things. I can't tell you like 100% definitively, was that the right or the wrong thing to do? It doesn't matter.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:33]:
It was what I did. I managed everything and I kept things flowing and I kept things running and I kept people happy and I kept situations clear and good and clean. And so it was always getting managed. So things didn't get addressed. So that's why I was the problem. I was the problem because I took care of everything. And I guess that's my challenge for you through all of this. Are you the good girl who's taking care of everything? Are you the competent, capable one who's taking care of everything? Because I felt pride in that.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:15]:
That's you being the problem. And again, I'm saying that truly from a place of love. That's you being the problem. That's me being the problem. Taking care of everything, managing everything. That is us being the problem, because we're not allowing the other people to manage their own problems, to feel their own feelings. I was too understanding. I was too accommodating.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:50]:
I kept giving the benefit of the doubt. I kept cleaning up messes. I kept doing all of these things to make our life flow perfectly because I was such the good girl. I was competent, I was capable, and. And I was the good girl. And that's. That's that hidden cost of betrayal. If you don't acknowledge, if you don't admit, if you don't start turning inwards and seeing and understanding that chances are high that that exact behavior will be repeated in other relationships, you will fall into the assumption trap that, oh, this is a relationship issue.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:51]:
It's not a relationship issue. You will fall into the trap of thinking it's a him issue. It's not a him issue. There are there. There will be marriage problems, and he will need work because he does have a problem. But it's that assumption that everybody else needs to go first. We need to dig into that, and I want you to think about the energy behind that. When you discover infidelity, when you discover cheating, and the first thing is, oh, my gosh, it's a marriage problem.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:25]:
We need to go to a marriage counselor. That's you doing it again. That's you fixing it again. That's you managing it again. See what I'm saying? It's so insidious. Not that you don't have marriage issues. Not that marriage counseling couldn't help, but are you managing it by making it be about the marriage? He needs help. My husband needed deep trauma work, but that's on him.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:00]:
That's not on me to manage. What's on me to manage is the way I manage everything. The way I make things so good, the way I make life so smooth and easy so nobody ever has to experience discomfort. That's me. And I have to manage that facet of my personality myself. And when you don't get help, it's really hard to see it in yourself. Because if you're anything like me, you were raised to do this. Help me out in the classroom, help me out at home, help me out with my friends, help me out with family, help me out at work.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:48]:
Like, it's in our culture, and it takes somebody to point some things out and to be like, whoa, what are you managing? Why are you being the good girl here? Why aren't you Saying what you want to say. Why aren't you letting other people manage themselves? We're going to go deeper with that. But before we do, once again, I'm asking you to just sit and to breathe and to let this sink in and to notice. Is resistance popping up? Like, are you thinking, oh, not me. I am just good, not me. If I didn't do it, somebody else wouldn't. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. If you've ever said or thought, if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done, then this is about you.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:47]:
And it took me so long to understand that. That's why I'm asking you to just sit, breathe and ponder. I didn't know that it wasn't my job. I didn't know that it wasn't my job to clean up messes, to make the world a better place. I didn't know that I could advocate for myself clearly without having to do this little backwards kind of manipulative way to do it. I thought if I asked for something directly, I was being demanding and I wouldn't be loved. I didn't realize it was okay to have needs. It was okay to ask for what I wanted.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:39]:
It was okay to be direct. Get off my foot, you're standing on my foot. And that I could still be loved. I didn't know how to be firm while still being soft. I always thought that I had to use that kind of pandering language. Would you mind if it's not too much work? I thought that's how I had to show up in order to stay loved and be worthy. I also didn't know that there's a name for this kind of behavior, and this kind of behavior is called fawning. Fawning is actually a nervous system response.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:28]:
Fight, flight and freeze, you've probably heard of. But fawning is also a nervous system response. Instead of fighting, instead of leaving. It's that almost uncontrollable drive to fix things, to smooth things over. And I had that for so long. Not only did I not realize that it was a nervous system trauma response, but I also didn't know I was doing it because it was just so much a part of who I was and who I was supposed to be as a woman. I took pride in being more accommodating, and I took pride in being more understanding. And I took pride in having patience and being kind and loving.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:25]:
I tried to keep things calm even when inside I knew it was not okay because I didn't want to rock the boat and I didn't want to escalate things. And again, I want to validate. This doesn't happen because you're weak. There's wisdom in not escalating things sometimes this happens because you're good at relationships. This happens because you're good at people with people. It happens because you're empathetic. It happens because you're intuitive and you've learned how to read a room, how to manage energy. You've learned how to keep things steady.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:14]:
And there's nothing wrong with that. So many of us were conditioned to be the good one, to do this, to be the one who keeps the peace, to be the one who is not disruptive and who doesn't make a scene. It's just that that conditioning is incredibly costly. Especially when something like infidelity and betrayal is there and it needs to be named. When fawning looks like kindness in this infidelity space, in this betrayal space, it's actually self abandonment. Yes. I want you to understand what was going on in your partner's mind, in his heart, in his body. Like, I want you to understand that so you can create the narrative that works and let it go.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:16]:
But what I don't want is for you to self abandon and for you to deny or to override or to understate the impact that it had on you. You know my story and I've had so many people say like, oh my gosh, you're incredible. How healing for Sean, he finally got the unconditional love that he had always wanted. This is so incredible of you. So many women wouldn't do this. And sometimes I have to fight that feeling of pride around that because there is a piece of me still that will want to be like, yes, I'm amazing, right? And to move into that. But what I have learned is moving into that in that self abandoning way is not what this is about. This is not about me giving him what was necessary.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:13]:
This is for him and for his growth. This is not about me doing anything for him. This is about me. For me, understanding him and his story made it easier for my heart to heal. It made it easier for me to stand in my truth. It made it easier for me to speak up. It made it easy for me to have needs and to ask for those needs to be fulfilled. So yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:41]:
Was this a loving thing to do? Possibly, yes. Did it give him the unconditional love he always needed? Possibly. But my focus is on me. My focus is on not abandoning myself. My focus is on sitting with myself and knowing when am I smoothing something over? Because I'm in a situation where it's important to smooth it over and to move on. And then when will I address it and how will I address it? Or am I in a situation where smoothing it over would not be healthy? Smoothing it over would be an abandonment of myself and my emotions and my needs in this moment. And I don't care if I'm being disruptive. This needs to be addressed now.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:41]:
And I can find an appropriate place to address it, but it needs to be addressed now. And I will say there have been times where my kids are irritated with me. They're adult children. They're not living at home. They're not tied to me for anything. But there are times where something will happen, whether it's Sean's behavior or somebody else's behavior. And I will call it out in the moment because it is disrupting me and it is not okay. And there are times when the kids will get frustrated with me and they'll be like, oh, my God, mom, now.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:21]:
And it's like, yes, now. That impacted me. Now. I need this addressed now. Did it inconvenience you? Yes, I'm sorry. Did it inconvenience your brother or your date or your friend? Yes, And I'm sorry. But guess what? You can also manage that. Because right now I need a moment for me.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:46]:
And right now I need this addressed for me. And guess who is the most important person in the room right now? Mihi. Because I'm the one that just got impacted. And I am going to take care of that impact. And that's changing the dance. That's changing the relationship dynamics. Because the relationship isn't just between you and your partner. It's between the whole family group, the whole family systems.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:17]:
And I can't show up differently with Sean, and he can't show up differently with me without impacting or our kids, their friends, my parents, neighbors, all of that stuff, because we are doing a different dance. And will it disrupt other people? It might. And am I sorry about that? So sorry. But I also know they can manage it. And if they can't, then maybe they don't need to be in my life. Because I would give other people the grace that they needed. I would give other people the space they needed. If something is really important to somebody else, and I know it and I see it, and I get it, have at it.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:58]:
Go. Address that you take care of you, I honor you, and I see you honoring yourself. And yes, I expect that courtesy from other people. So changing the dance. I have said this so often because it's so true. It's. If you think about dancing with somebody, ballroom dancing, tango dancing, fox trotting, like country swing, whatever it is, you have to do the same steps in the same tempo and the same style of dance, or you're stepping all over each other, you're knocking knees. If you're trying to do ballroom and somebody's trying to do country swing, it's not a good fit.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:46]:
And that's what healing after betrayal is like. Not just for you and your partner, but for you and everybody in your family as well. You change the dance, you are showing up differently and you're going to knock knees and step on toes for a while until they see, oh, wow, she's different. Until they see, oh, wow, she's not just automatically smoothing things over for everyone. Wow. She is not just biting her lip and never addressing it. She actually grew a spine. She actually set some boundaries.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:25]:
She actually has needs. And honest to goodness, most people will understand and see that and won't think much about it. They might respect you more, but mostly they'll just be like, okay, yeah. And the people who have a problem with it, maybe those are the people you don't want in your life. You know, maybe those are the people to see less of. Because a friend does not encourage a friend to erode their own boundaries. A friend does not encourage a friend to sacrifice their own well being or their own needs. We get used to how other people show up and when they change, we knock knees, we step on toes, and then we go, oh.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:22]:
And we create a new dance. And that's what healing after betrayal is about. It's about creating a new dance. But you don't just, like I said, that assumption that it's about the marriage. Please do not just launch into marriage counseling. That's creating a new dance with two partners who don't know the dance that they're dancing on their own. You got to learn the steps first. Your partner's got to learn their steps first.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:48]:
Then you can come together and see what works. That is so much of what the work looks like. When I work with people, I help them figure out, who are you, what dance are you dancing? How are you playing the role of the good girl? What does it feel like to suddenly break free from other people's judgment? What is it like to show up in your life without fawning, without seeking to please? How do we build your communication? How do we build yourself advocacy skills? Like, where, Where. Where do you need to do this work? Because we all need work. We all need awareness. And I spend so much time pointing things out to people that they have never seen before. Like, do you realize you're accommodating X, Y, and Z? And they'll be like, oh, why is that my job? No, I've just always done it this way. Wow.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:58]:
No, my mom and my aunts and my grandparents, they always did it this way. I just assumed. Yeah, it's helping you step into that observer role where I am witnessing and observing so you can witness and observe yourself as well and start critically thinking, who am I? What do I want? Am I doing this because this is my gift and this is my skill and I'm happy to do it, or am I doing it just because it's efficient and I don't want to rock the boat going back. Where are the times where your head was willingly in the sand? Where are the times that you chose not to see? And again, I'm saying this from the place of deepest love and respect. There were so many things I chose not to see. There are so many things we all choose not to see. And whether we choose it consciously or subconsciously, because I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know how to see it. I don't know what to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:19]:
So I just. I'm just moving on. Betrayal, recovery, healing from betrayal is about finally seeing all of those things, seeing them with love, seeing them with compassion. I have so much love and compassion for sweet Lora, the young mom, the mom of middle school and high schoolers who is working so hard to keep everything together. I have so much love and compassion for her. It's not about blaming yourself. It's not about saying, I'm the problem. I'm the problem.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:06]:
Oh, my God, what's wrong with me? I'm the problem. It's about seeing yourself, realizing you didn't cause this, but recognizing where your power actually is. You are not the problem. But you were your own point of power. You were not the problem. The problem is you are so dang good. You are not the problem. However, how can you witness yourself more? How can you witness yourself more? And I also want to be clear.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:58]:
It's not about saving the marriage. If you want to, that's wonderful. And if you don't want to, that's wonderful. It's about not losing yourself, whether you stay or go. Because no matter what, you're always in relationship with yourself. You're always in relationship with yourself. And that's why I think trying to do betrayal, recovery alone or just by going to marriage counseling is so costly. Because you can fix the marriage but lose yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:35]:
You know what I mean? Think about all the things that you could do to fix the marriage. Think about all the things that if you never mentioned again, think about all the things that if you just took over, sure, you could create this amazing marriage, but at what cost? At the cost of your own soul. I could have put up and shut up in 10,000 different ways and I could have made this marriage work. But that's not the kind of marriage I wanted. And quite honestly, that's not the kind of marriage Sean wanted either. Because, and here's another little twist of that. I did do all the things. I made this marriage work.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:19]:
My marriage sort of imploded 10 years earlier for other reasons. But I kept band aiding it and fixing it and managing. But it didn't make me happy, deeply, fulfillingly happy. It made me satisfied because I was doing it and because things were working. But it wasn't that deep soul level fulfillment. And from Sean's point of view, it was the same thing. He got managed, it worked. But he was not deeply fulfilled on a soul level either.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:57]:
That's why we always say today is we finally got the marriage we always wanted. We didn't want a band aided together marriage. He didn't want to be managed. I didn't want to be doing the managing. We wanted to be able to have things come up along the way so it could be resolved and we could be healthy and feel intimate and close and vulnerable and safe. That is the cost of thinking about this in terms of it's a marriage issue. It's not. It's a you issue.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:36]:
It's a you issue because you're so capable. It's a you issue because you're so good at this. It's a you issue because you are a good girl and kind and loving because you don't rock the boat. I'm not saying you never rock the boat, but you know what I mean. There's so many things we just smooth over. Men are just like that. Relationships are just like that. It's hard, but I've got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:03]:
That is what it means to be a you problem. The hidden cost of doing this on your own or of just leaning into marriage counseling is that you miss that glorious opportunity for real connection, for real vulnerability, for a real relationship with your self. With your self. Now, I'm going to take a couple of minutes. I'm going to say a couple of things because I want to explain this. I want to explain this clearly because a lot of women don't actually know what it looks like to do this work. They don't know what it looks like to work with me. And I want to explain that here so you can start making that shift from, oh, this is a marriage issue, or, this is a him issue, to, hey, how can I do this? How can I take the bull by its horns and fix this within me so I no longer have to play the role of the good girl? Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:18]:
My work is about helping you get clear. My work is about helping you see yourself and your behaviors and your patterns and the way that you've been raised. Clearly, not just mental clarity, but this emotional clarity, this lived experience clarity. Like, I can look at the ways that I was raised and that the ways my mom was raised and the her grandma was raised. I can look at the impact of the patriarchy on me as a person, and I can see it clearly. And I can also choose to step out of that in the ways that I act and react. And then I can notice when I fall into default patterning and default behaviors again. And it's like, oh, there it is again.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:14]:
That's what I do for you. I help you look at what's actually happening in your situation to separate truth from wishful thinking. Like, is he gonna do the work? Is this gonna work out? Oh, I'm gonna tell you like it is. I will tell you what I see. I will help you get clear. Are you in love with him or his potential? Are you in fear of doing this alone? Are you in fear of not having a relationship again? Like, I hope you see your situation clearly. I hope you see what's habit, what's habitual, what's hopeful, what's realistic, what's not realistic. I help you learn how to regulate your nervous system so you're not making decisions from panic or overwhelm.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:10]:
And let me tell you, the ability to regulate your nervous system is an ability that extends far beyond relationships. Point, Point. Case in point. I was working on some Facebook, like, meta ad stuff this morning. I don't know if you've ever done Facebook stuff, but the backend is so frustrating. And it's one of those things that I know it's frustrating. So when I sit down and I have to do something with my Facebook meta, I get stressed out. So what I did before I sat down is I did some of my own tools, I did some of my work, and I regulated my own NERV system.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:49]:
And then it was like, okay, well, gee, that took three or four whole minutes. And now I am facing this project with a cool head. And I did it and I did it easier than I have ever done it before. So learning how to regulate your own nervous system truly helps in all areas of life. Whether you get rear ended or something catastrophic happens or it's at work, I will teach you how to regulate and be aware of your own nervous system. I hope you reconnect with yourself. And I know in a lot of ways that sounds like jargon, like, yay, fall back in love with you, reconnect with who you are, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And yeah, there's a lot of jargon around that, there's a lot of fluff.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:37]:
But what it really means is I know who I am. I know my strengths, I. I know my weaknesses. I know the things I'm afraid of, but I'm not afraid to face them. I know who I am. I know my tendencies. I embrace and love all facets of who I am. Like, honestly.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:00]:
And that's what I mean by reconnecting with yourself. Who were you before you got married? Who were you before you had kids? What did you love? What did you appreciate? What have you let go of along the way? And how can you get yourself back? So you feel familiar in your own skin, so you feel familiar in your own life. Because when you're really connected with who you are, it makes decisions so much easier because you know instantly this is for me or this isn't for me. You know, that waffling. Well, maybe I can make this work. Well, I don't know. Should I or shouldn't I? That comes from a lifetime of being too accommodating. That comes from a lifetime of being a really, really good girl.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:45]:
Because the truth is, we can make anything work. You know what I mean? We can make anything work. If we sacrifice enough in any area of things, we can make it work. This work is about realizing, yeah, I can do all that. And that's my problem. My problem is I can make it all work. But this is who I am and this is what I want. And let me tell you, that is invaluable right there.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:16]:
That instant knowing is truly invaluable. Now here's something else about working with me that people don't know. This is not about me telling you what to do. I can't tell you what to do any more than you can tell me what to do. I have great ideas. You have great ideas. Like it doesn't matter. It's about you seeing clearly enough who you are, what is likely to happen.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:51]:
It's about you deciding what you want to do and then having somebody to role play that with, to go back and forth with, to walk you through to the future with. That's a huge part of it. Here, let me take your hand and let me guide you into this future. And let's see, let me raise thoughts and ideas and. Oh, haven't thought about that. Okay, now let's pivot and let's do this. Let's walk over here. Ooh.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:20]:
Now let me ask questions about that. Let's. It's that partnership. It's having that person in your corner who is neutral and objective and wise and who has walked that same path before and can shine lights on shadow places that maybe you didn't know existed or can affirm or confirm different things. That's what working with me is like. It's deep. It's rich. Whether we do single sessions.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:57]:
Yes, I just do single sessions. You can see me once a week, once a month, however often you want to schedule an appointment. You can even see me once a year. But my favorite way to work is in a container where we really go deep. And people say, what do you mean, go deep? It means we've got a six month mentorship. We talk every day. We can bounce things off of each other. You can ask questions.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:24]:
I give you the support you need in the moment. It's not about saving it up for your next session. It's about, yeah, I'm in your corner. Yeah, I'm walking by your side. You're having a fight with him. Let's talk it through. Yeah, I'm going to tell you that's not fair, that's not right. Or I'm going to ask you, are you being a little unfair? Are you being a little unreasonable? Like, I will walk you through it.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:49]:
We are there together every day. I am your training wheels. I am your orientation leader. It doesn't look the same for everybody, and it doesn't look the same along the way because it's such deep work. You grow and change quickly along the way. So the kind of support you need along the way changes as well. And I know sometimes it's frustrating because it makes it hard to, like, quantify what is it. It's exactly what you need.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:20]:
Whenever you need it, that's what it is. So I just wanted to step back and say that because I've spent so much time in today's episode, hopefully Destabilizing you a bit. Getting you to see why you're the problem. You're the problem because you're so capable. You're the problem because you're so good. And getting you to see those automatic assumptions. We'll fix the marriage. We'll fix him.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:51]:
And how all of that creates a recovery plan that might work, but at a great cost to you. What this work is about is about you and your relationship with you and no longer being the good girl and no longer being the accommodating one, but about you being fully yourself and being able to trust and rely and count on other people to feel their own feelings, make their own mistakes, clean up their own messes. And to care for you when you darn well need to be cared for. Because it's okay for you to have needs too. And when you express those needs, you are also worthy of love. How does that feel? I hope there's a part of you that's kind of jumping up and down like, yeah, if you're still at the beginning or if you're still trying to understand what's going on or what you're feeling, start by downloading my Betrayal Recovery guide. Go to betrayal recoveryguide.com betrayal recoveryguide.com and download it. It's free.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:11]:
If you're ready for support. If you're like, I can't do this alone. I don't want to do it alone. I see the cost. I see my mistakes. I am ready. Start now, Lora. Start now.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:23]:
Start. Start then with an introductory session. It's $97. I'm not selling you anything. I'm here with you. I'm in your corner. You can talk, you can cry, you can pick my brain. This is your time with me.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:40]:
If you are ready, go to introductory session dot com. That's introductory session dot com. If you're ready for deeper work, let me know. Book one on one sessions for you, for you and your partner. Think about the mentorship where we're six months side by side the whole way. Ask me, reach out, let's hop on Zoom and talk about the options. It is not a big deal. But what is a big deal is letting this recovery move forward in a way that in the end will harm you.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:21]:
You take care of. You let other people take care of themselves. You are not stuck. You are not broken. You are not the problem because you've done anything wrong. You're stuck because you're strong. You're the problem because you're capable, accommodating a good girl. But now is your time to stand up, get clear, express your needs and to stop abandoning yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:59]:
Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:12]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love. After Infidelity or Betrayal With Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.