Wedding Anniversary After Infidelity: How to Heal, Reframe & Reclaim the Day

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
How to handle your wedding anniversary after infidelity or betrayal, from being a complete triggered mess to transformation. That is what we are going to talk about today. I am Lora Cheadle, and in case you didn't know, my wedding anniversary is coming up this summer, September 9th. And not only am I experiencing this personally right now, but I've also gotten a lot of emails and DMS from all of you asking specifically about how to handle the anniversary both when you are together, when you are no longer together, and when you are kind of in the throes of figuring it out and you're not sure if you're going to stay together or not. So that is what we are going to tackle today. Everything related to anniversaries. Okay, What I want to do is start by talking about the emotional weight of anniversaries. Anniversaries are, although I know you know what they are.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:21]:
Anniversaries are a celebration of the date of when you you got married. But here's the thing. Here's what people don't really talk about when they get married. They don't talk about their expectations when we get married. Yes, we might talk about some of the big things like, I want to have kids, I don't want to have kids. I think celebrating holidays with my family outweighs the desire to celebrate them with your family. Or I want to alternate holidays. I want to live in the Midwest, I want to live on the coast.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:02]:
Like, we talk about so many of the big practical things like that, but we don't really talk about a lot of the expectations with how we show up in a marriage. And I think we're getting better about that as a society because we are talking about emotional well being more. But many of us do not talk about I expect you to be faithful and I expect to be faithful. We know that that is considered part of the traditional wedding vows. We know that generally fidelity is supposed to be a thing when we get married. But we don't sit around and talk about what does fidelity mean? Does it mean emotional? Does it mean physical? What is cheating? We don't talk about what will happen when things are difficult in life. What will happen if we go through something that's stressful, if we go through a time where we're feeling disconnected. We don't have these hard conversations because we're in the I am in love state.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:22]:
I am in love and this is amazing and everything is going to be good. And of course I'm always going to feel peak desire for you. And we're never going to have financial problems, in law problems, health problems. So we each have the set of expectations in our own heads about what we will do when I know I had all of these expectations, what Sean will do when I am struggling, suffering, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He had all these expectations in his head what Lora will do when I'm struggling, suffering, feeling insecure, whatever it is. We have these expectations of our partner, but very infrequently do we sit down and really talk about them because we don't even know. It's. It's kind of like when, before the cheating happened.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:21]:
So many of us are like, if my partner ever cheats, I'm out of here. And then it happens and we're blindsided and we're like, I don't know if I want to be out of here. I don't know what this means. Maybe I want to be out of here, maybe I don't. Maybe I have to figure it out. I wasn't prepared for a divorce. I'm in the middle of my whole life here. What do you mean? Suddenly I have to leave.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:48]:
We don't know how we're going to react until we're there. And same thing, even with marriage. When we have those deep conversations, when we have premarital counseling, when we've got some of these discussions, we're speaking from a theoretical standpoint anyway. What are you going to do around the communication? Well, let's learn this great communication model. Okay. It works when we're sitting in the premarital counselor's office or we're in our pre marriage class. But what happens when we're emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, have money problems, sick kids, car accident, all of these stressors and traumas? We don't stay in that rational, reasonable thinking portion of our brain and, and say, I know, let's default to this new communication model we learned way back when in marriage counseling and let's just solve our problems. No, we get triggered and we fall into these default coping mechanisms.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:49]:
Oftentimes, default coping mechanisms that are not helpful. I'm going to tell you a little story. It comes from the book the Body Keeps the Score by Basil Van Der Kolk. The story is of mice. And they have these two test groups of mice. And one group of mice is kept in this posh, clean, healthy environment where there's food, there's comfortable, they're comfortable, there's nothing scary going on. They're just pampered, taking care of mice. Then there's another group of mice that are in a Chronically stress filled situation.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:30]:
There's loud noises, there's shortages of food and water, there's not a lot of material comfort. We've got the stressed mice over there and then the relaxed mice. What happens is they take the stressed mice and they put them in the relaxed mice environment. These formerly stressed out mice who have lack and stress and unpredictability and loud noises and all of these things, suddenly they're pampered mice and they're taken care of and there's enough and is glorious and wonderful. Now here's the interesting part about that. Just because they're happy and gloriously wonderful and well taken care of doesn't mean that they stay happy and stress free and gloriously taken care of when they get stressed out. When those mice that were previously stressed out are exposed to stress again, they run back to their old stressful cage. Think about that.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:39]:
The mice that were born and lived in a stress filled environment and then move to a nice environment when they are exposed to more stress, loud noises, food shortages, all of those things, they don't stay in their nice clean, happy environment. No, no, no, no, no. They go back to the environment that they were born and raised in. That stress filled environment, which makes no sense on the one hand, but it also makes all the sense in the world on the other hand. What that study shows is that when we are stressed, we go into our default. When we are stressed, we don't stick with all of these newer higher level skills skills. We go back into the coping mechanisms that we used when we were a kid. So I want you to think about that in terms of your marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:33]:
When things get stressful, when life gets stressful, when there is issues, you don't go back to premarital counseling. You and your partner go back to the dysfunctional things that your family of origins did. You go back to the dysfunctional state that you may have been born or raised in. And I think that gap is especially prevalent when one of you is raised in a more functional household and the other of you is raised in a more dysfunctional household. Because what that does is it separates you even more. In my case, I was raised in a very functional household. You, yes, we had our warts, but it was a functional, more functional household. And Sean, my husband, was raised in a highly dysfunctional household.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:25]:
So we come together as a couple, we get married, we're creating this new life. When stress happens, it feels fairly consistent to me because I created a life that was pretty much the same level as function as my parents. It's pretty functional. Got some words, but it's pretty functional so I don't bounce back to something. But Shawn, when we're stressful, he leaves our more functional family and he goes back to his childhood stress, to his childhood dysfunction, which then pulls us further and further apart, which creates more of an emotional distance between us. So that's why I wanted to bring in that little story so you could have that frame of reference. So you're having an anniversary. You've got the anniversary.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:20]:
There's the weight of expectation that we are going to be together and happy and glorious. It's the fairy tale forever. And infidelity interrupts that, betrayal interrupts that and why it hurts. Why there is that emotional weight is because these are your dreams, these are your expectations, these are dreams of finding fairy tale love, of doing things differently than your family, of finally being in partnership. Spend a few moments right here, right now. What were your expectations when you got married? I thought I had my best friend forever now. I thought I'm never going to be lonely again. I will always have someone to go to.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:17]:
I will always have someone who's got my back when I come home and I'm exhausted from the day he can do the things that I'm too tired to do. I've got this built in partner and it's just going to make things so much better and not only is he going to be this built in partner and who can take up the slack when I'm too stressed or too tired or whatever, it's going to be awesome because he knows about things like cars that I don't know how to maintain. He's really great at yard work. He loves doing all that stuff. He's great at emptying the trash. All of these things I don't have to do and all of these things I love to do, I get to do. So we're this great, great partnership and I'm never going to be alone again. I will always have my best friend with me.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:03]:
What were some of your expectations? Looking back now, embarrassingly, I can see how self centered a lot of my expectations were. I thought he would be the person to pick up the slack. He would be available when I needed someone. And the reason I say self centered is it's not that I didn't expect to do anything for him. I totally expected to do things for him. I know myself to be loving and kind and self sacrificing and I knew I would do all of those things but I was thinking I would do them the way I wanted to do them. Here are the ways that I want to express love. I will do it that way.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:57]:
Here are the things that I like to do to connect. I will do it that way. It never really dawned on me that it's not about me giving love in the way I wanted to give love. It's about me giving love in the way he wants me to give love. Do you hear that subtle distinction? It's not just about the way I want to give love. It's about me modifying and also giving love in the way that he wants me to give love. Yeah, those are different things. And then on the flip side, it's not only about me receiving all the things that I wanted to receive from him.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:46]:
It's about me receiving all the things that he wants to give to me, because that's how he wants to give love. An example of that, because I know this is a lot. This is like four. Four different perspectives here. I want to give love, and I want to receive love. He wants to give love, and he wants to receive love. How do we each give and receive in the way we want to give and receive, but also give and receive in the way our partner wants us to give and receive? Do you see that? An example is my husband loves to give gifts. And I was never huge on gifts.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:29]:
And I will always be like, why did you spend the money on that? I'm totally not going to wear that. It's great. But always, oh, my gosh, you got that? Where? And you spent how much for that? I never get. I just know I don't need that. And I was shutting him down and I didn't realize it. And then on the same. By the same token, one of the ways that I love giving love is to take care of people and to take care of things. So I would step in and I would do all of this caretaking, and he would be like, do you think I am not capable of doing anything? Or, oh, my God, sit down, shut up.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:10]:
Go away, back off. I've got this. And I'd be like, what do you mean? I'm giving you love by taking care of it? And he would take it as an insult. In the same way I would take it as an insult when he would buy me all these. Let's see, I caught myself. I almost said outrageous gifts. In my view, they were outrageous. In his view, they were huge acts of love.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:37]:
So think about who you were at your anniversary. Think about all of the things that you didn't know compared to what you know now. The emotional weight of the anniversary is because of our ruptured expectations and this belief that. And hear me on this one, when our expectations are ruptured, it's wrong, it's bad. He broke my trust, he didn't live up to my expectations. This isn't what I signed up for. And the emotional weight around anniversaries is that judgment and that heaviness that this was wrong. And I'm starting the show on anniversaries with this concept because I want you to be able to hover up above the facts and the details of your life just for a moment here and get curious.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:46]:
What if all of these things, all of these broken expectations weren't things going wrong? What if the infidelity was not even something that went wrong? What if they're just things? What if they're just things? What if your expectations weren't supposed to be filled anyway because they were expectations of an innocent, naive, however old you were person? Without this life experience, anniversaries feel heavy because suddenly we are reverted back to our, whatever it is, 25 year old self, 19 year old self, 30 year old self, whatever age you got married, we are reverted back to being that person. And the anniversaries remind us of how difficult life is. Not just the marriage, but life. They remind us that we were innocent, we were naive, we had expectations that didn't turn out. And it creates this heaviness and the sense of loss and lack of. So the first way to get through the anniversary is to notice that, to allow yourself to grieve that loss of innocence, that loss of the dream, to go back and comfort that young woman, to send her love, to send her strength, to let her know that even though things won't work out the way you think, it's not bad, it's not wrong. This is your path, the path you dreamed never was. This is your path.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:59]:
And you are on this path for a reason. And even though right now you may not understand why, how can you trust that you are exactly where you need to be now? Understand the emotional weight of anniversaries comes from broken expectations. Understand the broken expectations aren't always bad. And lean into. You are exactly where you need to be right now. And start getting curious about where can I be right now? Which leads me right into the second part of the show. Now that we have unpacked a little bit around the emotional weight and the dream and the expectations and the naivete, the second thing I want to talk about is the practical down to earth options for Facing the day, because the day is going to come. What are you going to do? Here's a few options.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:22]:
You can absolutely skip it or ignore it. You are not required to celebrate. You are not required to memorialize. You are not required to do anything. If you want to skip it, by all means skip it. But if you do want to memorialize the day in some way, how can you reframe it? How can you reframe this day as a personal milestone for you? We are coming up on September 9th on our 30 year anniversary. And it's really interesting because we were talking about it and Sean was saying some things about like, this is a milestone and we turn 30 and we, we, we. And I had this voice in my head was like, I turned 30.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:21]:
I was completely connected and committed to this marriage for. For 30 years. Not you, bud. And it was snarky, but it was also true. And before I started talking to him about that, I really wanted to kind of work on it myself. And I thought, you know what? This is a celebration of me. I was committed. I still am committed, but I was committed that whole time.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:49]:
And that is a big personal milestone. And there were times I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay committed to that. And there were times where I did feel lonely, and there were times where this, that, and the other thing, and yet I stayed true, and yet I stayed in the game. And I thought, you know what? This anniversary is important for me, for me, for what I did, for what I believed. And I can choose to be bitter or resentful about that, but this is nothing to be bitter or resentful for. I did what I considered the right thing. I need to celebrate what I did. Because at the time I thought being loyal and true was the good idea, was a good idea, and I did it and I followed through.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:39]:
And I'm celebrating that for me, for my stick to it. Iveness for my willingness to fight for the marriage. So I thought, you know what? Before I have a conversation, I'm going to do a little bit of reframing around that in my mind. And it helped. And I invite you to do the same thing too. What can you be proud of that you did for your anniversary? Have you been faithful and dedicated and true? Praise yourself. Praise yourself for doing a hard thing. Good job, me.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:15]:
Good job, you. Now, the other thing that you can do, and my husband and I have done a lot of this too, is we transform it together. So you can skip it and ignore it. You can totally reframe it. And make it about you. Or if you're still with your partner and you're both interested, you can transform it together. I think it was our first anniversary after D Day. Is that our first or second? No, it was our first.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:47]:
We did a bridge crossing ceremony. We went to the town of Crestone, which is kind of a spiritual mecca here in Colorado, and I put together this bridge crossing ceremony where we crossed a bridge together and continued on our journey. I have since done bridge crossing ceremonies for other couples as well, and I'm happy to help you with yours, but you can also do it on your own. I put together this ceremony where we sat on one side of the bridge and we talked about all of the things that we were leaving behind. The past, the fear, his need for validation, my need for control, all these different things. And then we took hands and we crossed the bridge and we left all of that behind, symbolically, literally. And we moved on. We moved on and had our own celebration.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:44]:
We went hiking, we sat in Hot Springs. We had a great time. Another anniversary, we went to Peru and we had a really deep spiritual experience there. We stayed in a retreat center. We did a plant medicine journey. Another year, we went to Mount Shasta, and we did a whole bunch of work around that. We've done all sorts of anniversary adventures after that, but we co create them in the moment. We co create them year by year based on what we want and.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:25]:
And what we need. And it's interesting because Shawn always wants to go back, and he sees the whole thing is like, tying all the way back to 1995, when we first got married. And I'm like, you know what? I don't really see it as going back that far. I see it as going back to 2019, 2018, when we really kind of decided, okay, we're going to go forward with this new marriage. So he likes to celebrate the whole time. I like to celebrate the shortened time because the shortened time, I feel like, is our real soul marriage. I feel like the whole length of the time was a different kind of a marriage and was a learning experience and was like a soul contract and all of that stuff. And I feel like from 2018, 2019 on, that's when we have a real my kind of marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:25]:
So we each celebrate on the day. I'm celebrating in my way, he's celebrating in his way, and he doesn't have to convince me, and I don't have to convince him. So, like, when he's saying, this is 30 years, this is a big deal, it can be A big deal for him. And I'm celebrating that I was faithful for 30 years and that I did all that. But then in my mind, I'm celebrating our real soul marriage, our real joy, which is a shorter period of time. So we're each celebrating something a little bit different. He's also celebrating. He said this before, too.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:01]:
He's also celebrating the fact that he can finally be honest, that he doesn't have to lie anymore. To him, that feels like such a weight off of his shoulders. So transforming it together. I'm celebrating some individual things, he's celebrating some individual things, and then we're both celebrating different aspects of our togetherness. So transform it in whatever way you want to transform it in whatever way your partner wants to transform it. And you don't have to agree. I think that's kind of the beauty of it. The last thing that's a great option to face the day is to create some sort of ritual around release.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:47]:
And I mentioned that when Shawn and I did the bridge crossing ceremony, that was our ritual of putting the past in the past and stepping forward into the future. What kind of ritual might work for you? What kind of release might work for you? Do you want to use the day to grieve? Do you want to use the day to honor the past? To write vows for the future? That's a really important one. What are the vows that you would write going forward? I've got a couple. I love rituals. I love rituals because rituals are important to humans. In all cultures, people lean into rituals. The hunting rituals, the rains rituals, like, all of these different things we signify marriage, quinceanera, like coming of age. There's all these different bar mitzvah, you know, like, there's all these rituals that we do that lets us and those around us know something significant has happened.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:59]:
You already have this anniversary date. You can change it, by the way. You don't have to be with that anniversary date. You can do whatever you want with it. But what do you want to memorialize and create? One of the rituals that I've had my people do is write new wedding vows. You took your vows like I took my wedding vows at what, 24? Oh, my gosh. My vows right now at 56 are significantly different. The things that I would write into my vows with, the amount of wisdom that I have gained is different.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:38]:
You might like to do that, too. What are the new vows that you want for this next chunk of time? And let me caution you, this is not about punishment and control. This is not About I'm going to write these vows in, and he better agree to this. And I'm going to show him how important it is. And fidelity, fidelity, fidelity. It's not about punishment. A marriage is a sacred covenant. It's a covenant, a promise between you two.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:12]:
So for me, for Sean, in our marriage, it's not that I will be faithful and you will be faithful. Now, I see those as kind of surface level promises. It's, I will bear my heart to you, I will bear my soul to you. When I am hurting, you are the person that I will tell. When I am dissatisfied, you are the person that I will tell. It's a different level of vow. It's a different level of covenant for us based on who we are, what we've been through in our experience. And it might be the same for you, and it might be totally different.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:58]:
But that's the beauty of anniversaries, is it gives you the chance to figure it out. It gives you the chance to do all of these things and to really create what is meaningful to you going forward. So options for facing the day. Ignoring it, skipping it, pretending it doesn't work, reframing it into something that works, transforming it together, or using some kind of a ritual to create something new, to honor the past, to lean into the future. Now, the next thing I want to talk about, because we talked about the heaviness of it, different options to get through it. But I also want to give you some practical tips and boundaries, because I'm not going to lie, it's a hard day. It's a hard day, especially early on. But it does bring up a lot for all of the reasons that we've already talked about.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:06]:
I think the most important thing to do is to communicate. To communicate to your partner, to your family, to your friends, to whoever might be with you, facing the day. If your family's always involved, talk to them about it. If your kids have always done something special for you guys, talk to them about it. If it's just you and your partner, talk. Talk about the weight of it. Talk about the things that feel heavy for you and the expectations. Talk about your ideas for handling it.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:44]:
And you can even give them that list. We can ignore it. We can transform it together. We can revise what it means to each of us. We can create a ritual. What are your ideas? But talk. Talk about expectations. I do want a gift.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:03]:
Oh, my God. I do not want a gift. Don't you dare get me a card. Whatever it is, talk about it. Because your partner probably hasn't gone through this before either, and they're probably confused. What do I do? What do I say? If you don't know what you want, say that too. Say, I don't know if I want a gift, a card, flowers. I don't know if I want to acknowledge it, but here is how I will handle the stress in the moment.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:35]:
I promise to back off. I promise to tell you what's going on. Ask for alone time so I can grieve. Whatever it is, just communicate the other thing. The other practical tip is around boundaries and not letting yourself get drug into something more. Saying I'm not ready to celebrate is a complete sentence. I'm not ready to celebrate is a complete sentence. And oh boy, this is a big one.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:15]:
When we feel the need to explain, it's going to turn into a fight because you did this and because I'm not ready for this and because you did this. And if you would have thought about that, and I'm not ready to celebrate. End of story. And same thing. If your partner says something, yeah, you need to honor that. You need to honor their boundary too. If they're saying, I can't do this, I don't want this, I'm not ready for that, honor that too. You each get to have your boundaries and know the boundaries don't always line up.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:53]:
Sometimes they conflict and then that's where some of the communication comes in. Figure out what you need. Put a boundary about around it. Do not over Explain. Anniversaries are not the time for deep conversations. Anniversaries are not the time for deep explanations. Anniversaries are a time for you to honor a moment in your life, in your history. For you.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:24]:
Another practical tip is remember your somatic tools. Remember your somatic tools. Remember things like movement, dance, breathwork, music, meditation, journaling. Think about all of those tools, but especially movement. And use those tools throughout the day. When you wake up, you might be feeling reflective. Pull out your journal, light a candle, get yourself a cup of tea and spend some time journaling. You might want to get up and go.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:09]:
You might want to get out of the house. You might want to go climb up a mountain. You might need to turn on the music and dance. You might need to go to yoga and just lay in child's pose and cry. Remember your tools. Remember all of the things that you do and do those things. Things. Here's another really good tip on that.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:37]:
Make a list. Now make a list of all of the things that you do to feel better. I hike I sing, I dance, I play with the animals. I call my friend. I go wander around and window shop. I. Whatever it is, make a list of all of the things that you like to do. I read.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:58]:
I journal. I listen to channeled messages. I listen to whatever it is. It's a good thing to have anyway. But then when it's your anniversary, instead of getting hijacked, you can just pull up your little list and be like, what do I feel like doing today? Ugh, no, a walk. Sounds awful. Ugh, music that feels really too heavy. Call a friend.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:24]:
You know what I do feel like calling a friend? Hmm? Go sit and meditate at the gardens. Yeah, that's about what I'm ready for today. You've got your list, and then you can just go through it and quickly say yes or no. And the burden, the mental burden of figuring out what do I need to do to make myself feel better is gone. So remember your tools. And then if you are in the process, this doesn't feel very anniversary like, but it's also really important to do if you're in the process of separating. Maybe you have separated if you're still not deciding. Empowering yourself with something to do that helps you take one step forward is really powerful too.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:14]:
If you have considered divorce and you've been curious about it, book a session with a lawyer on your anniversary. Get some information. If you have been needing to go to the bank and check whose name is on what accounts. Transfer things around. Take the day off. Go do all of the things that you have been meaning to do and just haven't gotten around to doing. Use that anniversary as a practical day and time to take steps to reclaim yourself. Maybe it can even be a spa day or you can go get your teeth whitened or something like that, just to reclaim you.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:05]:
Do whatever you want and need to do to move yourself forward one step. One step. And then you can make that the anniversary of your independence, the anniversary of, you know, whatever it is, the anniversary of a decision. Make it the anniversary of something that you are proud of, because an anniversary is an anniversary. And it can be something that brings up good memories or it can be something that brings up bad memories. So if you're really struggling and you're like, I hate this, make it the anniversary of the day I took myself back, the anniversary of the first time I traveled solo, the anniversary of the first time I went out, and the anniversary of the first time I took a risk and signed up for. Make it the anniversary of something empowering for you and that kind of goes back to what we were talking about earlier. It's.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:10]:
It's. How do I reframe it either for me or for us. And then also kind of that ritual and that, you know, release around that instead of the day that I naively married this man that I now know I should have never married type of a thing. It can be the anniversary of the day I woke up. I filed for divorce. I met with a financial planner. I opened my first IRA in my own name. I joined a networking group like whatever it is, make it the anniversary of something that you are proud of.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:53]:
This is the anniversary of the day I started eating right and taking care of my body. This is the anniversary of the day I. Whatever it is. I wish I had this to show you. But this year I ordered a ring for myself online. It hasn't gotten here yet, but it's really cute. It is a diamond ring. It's what a.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:21]:
It starts with an M. Mesonite. Mezanite, something like that. It's not like a real diamond diamond, but it's like an artificial created zirconia type stone. So it's. It's like a diamond ring that looks like that and it's so cute you all. It looks so cute. It's like a diamond ring.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:40]:
And the diamond is heart shaped. And then it's got a flamingo. I know a rose gold flamingo that is kind of up the side. And then you could get the ring engraved. So on the inside of the band I had it engraved with the word flaunt. So for me, for myself, I ordered a diamond ring with a flamingo that says flaunt. And that is me celebrating myself. This is me celebrating.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:11]:
You know what? Despite everything falling apart, I created something beautiful. Beautiful from this, I created the flaunt framework. I created a clinically backed framework that helps people recover from infidelity. Oh my gosh. I created this whole business. I've got my flamingo logo. I have learned how to flaunt. To go from crumpled and compressed to joyful and flaunting my love and my energy.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:44]:
And that ring is a celebration of me and what I have done with the devastation that was betrayal. And I ordered that for myself online. And I haven't gotten it yet. I can't wait to show it off. But it was like. It was like $400. It wasn't super expensive, but it also wasn't insignificant. But that was me reclaiming myself.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:15]:
That was my anniversary present to me for me for choosing to walk this path. That was like honoring my soul for going through this. And when I ordered it, I thought, this is my reminder to me that I've done this and that I have transcended and transformed and that I am leaving the world a better place than when I found it, and that I have found my mission and my purpose in life. Talking about betrayal. Betrayal, recovery, helping people everywhere recover from one of the most devastating experiences we can go through. And that, to me, feels very meaningful and feels very powerful and. And I am excited to celebrate that within me. That is a step that I took for me.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:16]:
And that rolls really nicely, I think, into this last thing that I want to talk about. And it's the reclamation of choice. Reclaiming our ability to choose. Reclaiming our ability to choose differently. To choose to feel different, to choose to act different, to choose to believe different. Our ability to choose. One of the most devastating aspects of betrayal is that our choice is taken away. If we knew what was going on, we would have chosen differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:56]:
For 15 years, my husband cheated, and I didn't know, so I didn't have any choice. If he would have told me what was really going on, I would have made a lot of different choices, but I didn't know. So my power of choice was taken from me. So every year on our anniversary, it's important for me to move in and honor my power of choice and to reclaim my voice and my ability to advocate for myself. And that's my challenge to you, too. The heart of healing is really taking back your ability to choose. It's taking back your agency, is coming back home to yourself. It's empowering you to stand up for yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:52]:
So what are all of the ways that you are exercising your free will now? What are all of the things that you were consciously choosing by choice and not by default? Because it's so easy to live a life of default. Things just happen, and you just roll with it. Things happen and you roll with it. What are you choosing? And this kind of ties back to when I was talking about, what are the vows that you would write now? What are the vows that you would write right now, not only in your relationship, but for yourself? What are the vows I want to write for me now? What are the vows you want to write for you now? And then what are the actions that you can take so you can choose yourself going forward? Because that's what healing from infidelity is about. It's about choosing yourself going forward. What are some new traditions that you can create with your children, with friends, with yourself? You don't need to spend this day in grief. If your partner is gone, it doesn't matter. What can you do to celebrate this day? Who do you want with you and what do you want to do? How can you craft these new traditions? How can you lean into your power of choice and fill yourself up? It's about honoring you instead of the marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:35]:
For me, it was about buying that ring. For me it was about saying, you know what? I don't feel like celebrating 30 some years. I feel like celebrating these last eight years. Here are the things that I'm going to do to celebrate me with or without a partner. What are the things that you can do to celebrate you? What are the vows you can make for yourself? And what are the choices that you can make that are self honoring? Think about all of the things that you wish a partner would do for you. I wish someone would just choose me. I wish someone would just prioritize me and respect me and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. Do all those things for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:21]:
No better day than your anniversary. Do all of those things for you. And then I think lastly, and when I talk about holding the paradox, holding the paradox that you can honor the story of this relationship, that the story of your relationship includes a rupture, the story of the relationship has good and bad. How can you honor both? Whether you are together or apart? How can you honor the complexities, the times that you love, the times that you hated, the times that were good, the times that were bad? Because if you go back to the traditional marriage vows, it's in good times and bad, in sickness and health, for richer or for poorer. Wedding vows are about the whole. And I hear you, I hear you talking about the whole concept of like. But it's. It wasn't really the whole.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:36]:
It was, he left and he did this, I did. It's the whole. How can you honor that whole and let it be for what it is and let it stand for what it is without having to make it something different? Why does it have to be the fairy tale that you created in your head at age 20, whatever? Why can't it be the rich, real relationship that you have now at age 50 or whatever? Honor the paradox. Because life is a paradox. And this ties all the way back to those expectations. Expectations aren't reality. No marriage is perfect. And maybe the way your marriage ended up is perfect for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:38]:
Even if it's not what you expected, even if it's not what you planned. Honor the paradox of this journey. So in summary, what I want to say to you is whatever you choose is valid. There is no right or wrong way to do this. I think the only wrong way to do this is to throw more expectations on it and then to throw judgment on it. I think whatever your heart tells you to do is the right thing to do. And it might be grieve and it might be reclaim and it might be celebrate and it might be empowerment and it might be any or all of the things. But just ask yourself, what do I need? What do I want? And know that this is a time for saying yes to yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:50]:
If you want solo travel, say yes. If you're like, no, I want marriage counseling, followed by individual counseling, followed by an energy work session, followed by spend the money and do it. You know what I mean? You're worth it. If you want a half day VIP day with me, with just you and me, or with your partner and me, creating rituals and release, do it. Do whatever you feel called to do. One year we did this super expensive art of intimacy workshop because I felt called to do it. And it's worth it because it's about listening to your heart. It's about listening to yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:39]:
It's about trusting your truth. It's about leaning in and saying yes. And you know what I mean? This is a whole rabbit hole I could go down to. But all of the ways that I devalued myself, all of the ways that I didn't see, say or do what I wanted, now is your time to stop betraying yourself and to do what you want to do what you need. Especially on this anniversary, on the day of all days. Because an anniversary after betrayal does not have to be a day of despair. It can become a day of choice, truth and self reclamation. This is your anniversary.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:33]:
It always will be your anniversary whether you're together or not. The question is, what do you choose to make this the anniversary of? What do you choose to make this the anniversary of? And I say make it the anniversary of something really, really good. Definitely reach out if you have any thoughts, if you have any questions, if you're suffering, keep in mind that you and your partner, if you're still together, do not need to have the same belief. You just need to honor each other's ideas, beliefs, boundaries. Because together or apart, it is still and always will be your anniversary. But like I said earlier, what will it be the anniversary of? The anniversary of choice, truth, self reclamation and joy? Or the anniversary of a story that didn't work out for me? The anniversary of I didn't sign up for this life is so unfair. This is just awful. You get to choose.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:02]:
And then just on a little practical story, practical level, I wanted to tell you the story because it does matter. Like I said, Our 30th anniversary is coming up and we've done a lot of work, obviously, and 30 is a milestone anniversary, whether you count it the whole time or not. 30 is still really cool. And we have had so much happen this year. If you've been getting my emails, which you don't want to miss out on, you will know we've had a sewage flood, we had a turtle tank flood. We're doing major home demolition and remodeling, not of our choice. And contractors aren't always the best, and prices are higher than you could ever imagine. And it's really stressful and trying to balance.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:58]:
Like, since we're rebuilding our home, I want what I want, but oh, my gosh, this is ridiculous. And where's that price point that we can live with but still make it livable? I mean, it's just been so much, and then just being out of your house and having things smell and be covered with paint and having all this stress and just constant disruption. It's been really hard. And it's been so hard, as a matter of fact, that we never actually got around to planning anything for our 30th anniversary. And then we picked two different weeks. Well, the first week that we had picked got disrupted because of this carpet issue. And the second week that we picked got disrupted. My husband's got a client that he's got to go visit in a different state.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:49]:
So everything is getting disrupted. And it's been a really interesting exercise in flow. And we've had some fights. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie to you. We've had some fights. Like, what? What do we want and what do we not want and who's prioritizing and who's not prioritizing and is this anybody's fault and all of that stuff. And we came to this place yesterday where Sean came to me and he's like, the bottom line is I just want to spend time with you.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:20]:
I don't care when, I don't care how, I don't care where. I just want to have a couple nights alone with you. And it was just this beautiful coming home to. Yes, this is what matters. Yes, you're right. That's what an anniversary is about for us. It's just spending time together. So we just booked a night at a regular old hotel in the mountains and and we're just going to spend a night together and have two days to drive around later.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:48]:
We'll figure out a trip or we'll figure out something significant and fun to market. But for now, what matters is us. And I just wanted to share that because I think it's really easy to again, get caught up in expectations and what 30 should or shouldn't be, or what an anniversary should or shouldn't be. And the bottom line is it can be whatever you want it to be. So with that, reach out, let me know how you're doing. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough. And a last minute reminder, Sanctuary of the Soul, my group program where we've got monthly group coaching and monthly rituals and then access to me via the group.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:45]:
We kick off on September 13th. Sanctuary of the Soul is only $47 a month for all of that group coaching, group access to me, monthly rituals, meditation, somatic processing, and most importantly, I think a sisterhood of others who have been there too. $47 a month. You can learn more by going to sparkle. Allseason.com you can join anytime. But if you hear this before September 13th, join us so you can be at our very first kickoff.