What Are You Under the Influence Of? How Fear, Trauma & Other People's Opinions Keep You Stuck After Betrayal

Speaker A [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love. After infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide. Dot.

Laura [00:00:35]:
What are you under the influence of? Especially after betrayal, it is important to ask yourself this question. What am I under the influence of? And in case you're thinking, I have no idea what you're talking about, Lora, I'm going to break this down. After betrayal, have you noticed that everybody has an opinion, everybody has a story, everybody has an idea of what you should and shouldn't do. Your friends, your family, your therapist, your parents. Like social media. Social media has a huge opinion. The church, the Internet. People project their own stuff on us all the time anyway.

Laura [00:01:24]:
But especially after betrayal, people feel wildly free to project all the stories about their betrayal experience about their fears, about their regrets, and about the stories that happened to them. Unto you in your life. You've got to leave. Oh, my God. You've got to stay. You're never going to be able to trust him again. All cheaters cheat. Oh, my God.

Laura [00:01:50]:
Is he a narcissist? Is he a narcissist? If you stay, you're totally weak. Why are you giving in? If you leave, you're giving up. Don't destroy your family like this. And when your nervous system is already shattered, it's really easy to absorb other people's certainty instead of listening to your own truth, trusting your own discernment, and working things out for yourself. Now, before we go further, I want you to take a breath, I want you to shake it out a little bit because, whoa, I just threw a lot of energy at you. I just threw a lot of judgment and energy about, like, oh, my gosh, do this, do that. And I truly want you to notice, like, what did that do to my body? What did it do to me? Did I tense? Did I protect my heart? A lot was being thrown at you. And if you feel a little bit nuh agitated, that's normal.

Laura [00:02:58]:
And that's in particular why I started the show this way, because I want you to feel what it feels like to have people declare all of these things to you. I want you to feel how it feels for other people to just spit this stuff at you. Now you might or might not know, but Esther Hicks is one of my favorites. I adore her. I've read her books. I've seen her live a few times, and I love her. And one of the questions that she asks is, what are you under the influence of? Because after betrayal, we are usually not under our own influence. We are not under the influence of our inner knowing.

Laura [00:03:46]:
We are under the influence of fear, of panic, of shame, of pressure. Pressure to decide. We're under the influence of trauma. And most importantly, we're under the influence of everybody else's story and opinion. So today I want to talk about how to become informed without becoming fearful. How to get wise, and how to become wise without being paranoid. And how to be discerning without giving your power away. I want you to know I'm not pro marriage and I'm not pro divorce.

Laura [00:04:27]:
I am pro you becoming clear enough to know what you want. I'm about you becoming true enough to yourself that you can advocate for what you want and that you can feel grounded and regulated and take steps forward to make yourself happy. Okay, first thing we're going to talk about is how betrayal creates suggestibility. One of the things that people don't understand about betrayal, trauma, is how profoundly disorienting it is. Your entire reality has collapsed. Your nervous system has gone into survival mode. You stop trusting yourself. You stop trusting your instincts.

Laura [00:05:10]:
You stop trusting your memories. You stop trusting your ability to judge other people's character. And when we lose trust in ourselves, we become influenceable. And it's not weakness, it's human psychology. When the nervous system becomes overwhelmed, the brain prioritizes survival, so it seeks certainty over nuance and discernment. The prefrontal cortex, the rational, reasonable, critical thinking part of the brain, becomes less accessible and survival mode takes over. That's why you have probably found yourself obsessively searching for answers, Googling things like, what should I do? Should I stay, or should I go? Can a cheater really change? Can marriages be saved after infidelity? How do I know if he's lying? Should I trust him again? What if I make the wrong choice? Because when we're desperate for certainty, we start borrowing certainty from others. Yeah, when we're desperate for certainty, we start borrowing certainty from others.

Laura [00:06:37]:
But the problem is everybody filters your life through their unresolved pain. And unless you have the exact same life, their answers aren't going to fit you. People who are divorced will probably encourage you to get divorced. People who are religious might encourage you to, like, lean into forgiveness. People who are constantly angry and bitter will let you know how angry you should be and how bitter you're gonna be. People who are fearful and timid will only see danger. Hopeful, happy people truly might be like, I'm sure you can reconcile and figure this out. And then.

Laura [00:07:24]:
And I want to speak to this clearly, too. The Internet only sees the algorithm. Let's be clear about. The Internet sees the algorithm. And there's a lot of great content online, and there's also a lot of not great content online. And sometimes when you see somebody with a bazillion followers, their content is created and curated to bring in more followers. And the Internet is polarizing, and that's the way the algorithm works. So how can you discern, like, what am I really seeing and what am I really feeling versus what is right for me? And in service of that, I'm going to tell you a little story.

Laura [00:08:14]:
This story is going to help you really see and understand how we borrow certainty from other people and how we allow it to impact our own lives, even though we might be saying, no, no, no, no, no. I'm. I'm. I'm too smart for that. I'm not going to let other people impact me and impact my life. Like, what do you mean? Okay. I went to Disney with my family last summer. Yeah, last summer.

Laura [00:08:40]:
And one of the rides at Epcot that's a new ride, is. What is it called? Cosmic Rewind. And I love Disney rides. And I was so excited to ride Cosmic Rewind, but at the same time, I don't love roller coasters. You know what I mean? Like, I. I will do some things, but I'm not this huge thrill seeker. You. It makes me really nauseous.

Laura [00:09:07]:
And before riding rides that I've never ridden before, I feel nervous. So what do I do? I start talking to people in line. Have you been on this ride before? Oh, yeah. What was it like? Oh, my gosh. I love Space Mountain. Is this, like, space? Oh, it's not. Well, I love the Incredicoaster. Have you done that? Yeah, I've done that.

Laura [00:09:28]:
Oh. Oh, I did. And you start talking to other people, and you start getting their input and borrowing their certainty. And let me tell you, if there's somebody in line that is telling you, oh, my gosh, you can totally do this. There are some intense parts, but the visuals are so good and the soundtrack is so amazing. And you know what? It goes by so fast. Just about the time where you start thinking, whoa, this is a lot, it's over. So you're going to be fine.

Laura [00:09:58]:
Are you more likely to stay in line and feel good about it? Yeah. Because you're like, well, they did it. They just told me their 13 year old child did it and that they found it. Great. Whoa. They like the Incredicoaster too, so I'm going to do it. Okay. They didn't like whatever, so I know I'm safe.

Laura [00:10:15]:
Like, we borrow their opinion, but the truth of the matter is our body is different than their body. Our risk tolerance is different than their risk tolerance. Like why would we listen to somebody? Because we're feeling uncertain and we borrow their certainty. And on the flip side, if you were standing in line at any old amusement park and you're saying, I'm really nervous about this ride and somebody says, oh God, it's tough if you don't like thrill rides, I would back right out. You know, I was here last summer and all these people were puking on the ride. I, yeah, I got so dizzy the first time I wrote it, I had to go back to the hotel. Did you know somebody actually died on this ride? Yeah, yeah, it was about a month ago and it was so intense they had a heart attack on the ride. So yeah, unless you're a real big roller coaster fanatic, I might sit this one out.

Laura [00:11:17]:
If somebody is saying that to you, what are you going to do? You're probably going to sit out the ride because you're going to be like, oh my God, this is insane. And I'm really afraid now. When we are uncertain, we seek input, we crowdsource and we borrow other people's narratives. We either borrow their certainty, like, yes, if their 13 year old can ride this ride, I can ride it. Or we borrow their fear. Oh my God, people throw up and die. I'm not going to do it. And we allow their story and their experience to become our own.

Laura [00:11:54]:
We all do that. It's human nature. Now the second part that I want to talk about is how along those same lines, fear is contagious. Fear spreads really fast after betrayal. And honestly, some fear is useful. Fear really can be our friend. Fear says, pay attention, protect yourself, slow down, you've got to gather more information. What if this doesn't turn out? What are you going to do? Healthy fear is wise, but unregulated fear, that is something totally different.

Laura [00:12:34]:
Unregulated fear sounds like pressure and it sounds like certainty. Certainty and fear are very closely related. Unregulated fear says things like, you've got to decide right now. It's punish, it's control, it's monitor. It's I can guarantee your safety. I can prove you can or can't trust them. Again, it's make sure this never happens. The truth is there are no guarantees in life.

Laura [00:13:07]:
I wish there were, but there's no guarantees. Life is unpredictable. And when something as horrible as betrayal has happened and we're already feeling so stinking wobbly, it doesn't feel good to have somebody say, you know, life is really unpredictable. It feels. That feels terrifying. What we want is for somebody to say, you can be happy again, you can save your marriage, or he will never change. Get out now. That's why certainty feels so seductive, because it takes the nuance out of, makes it certain I will leave and I will be safe.

Laura [00:13:57]:
When the truth of the matter is, leaving doesn't guarantee safety. Staying doesn't guarantee a good relationship. And when we're afraid and uncertain, we stop seeking the truth and we just lean into that certainty and we grab onto it and it's dangerous. Certainty is truly seductive. And when you think about it in those terms, it can help you. It can help you not go down that certainty path. Discernment is not fear. Discernment is not hypervigilance.

Laura [00:14:42]:
It's not paranoia, but it's also not denial or bypassing or sugarcoating. It's not seeking revenge, but it's also not failing to address the important things. I love this definition, so I want you to pause and really listen. Discernment is the ability to stay connected to yourself while reality reveals itself. Discernment is the ability to stay connected to yourself while reality reveals itself. I love that so much. I think. You know, one of my.

Laura [00:15:31]:
One of my big famous phrases is betrayal uncovers the truth not only about the person who cheated and what they did and who they are, but it uncovers the truth about yourself, your worldview. It uncovers the truth about those around you, their worldview, their pain, their unhealed trauma, the lenses that they are viewing life through. It uncovers the truth of about so many things. And truth reveals itself slowly over time. Discernment doesn't rush. Discernment observes. Discernment observes. It gathers information, it regulates.

Laura [00:16:22]:
It allows time, which means it allows mistakes and it allows growth. Discernment listens. And discernment lets other people hang themselves with their own rope because discernment lets people reveal who they are over time. And I know, I know because I've been there and I work with people. So I've known this personally and I see it another like fear wants Those immediate answers, but we have to allow that time. How can I trust him again? I don't know. You can't just get that answered. You have to live it.

Laura [00:17:08]:
It's a living, breathing thing. How do I know if they're changing by observing over time? Are they walking the walk and talking the talk, or are they just paying lip service to things? Do they make a mistake and then initiate repair in a deeper, heartfelt way? Or do they make a mistake and just blow it off? Like, you don't know if somebody is becoming more trustworthy until you give them the opportunity to become more trustworthy. And I know that's hard because it's not really setting yourself up for failure, but it's opening yourself up enough to live life. How do you know you're making good mistakes? How do you know you're not going to regret something? You know, by making mistakes and feeling that pang of regret. You know, by the unfolding and by the living. This is why in my coaching packages, I do Voxer coaching. Voxer, for those of you who don't know, is a walkie talkie style app. And I communicate with people sometimes several times throughout the day.

Laura [00:18:29]:
Because life happens in the unfolding. And where you need help, where they need help is in the moment. This is happening and I don't know how to navigate it. Do I step out and go get a hotel for the evening? Do I stay in the guest room? Do I ask them to leave? Are we too raw to have a conversation right now? Like, those are the moments. You need discernment and you need wisdom and you need clarity. Am I letting somebody run over my boundary if I do this, that, or the other thing? Or am I being wise and flexible in the moment? Oh, my God, we gotta talk about that now, in the moment, not a week later in a session. That's discernment and that's living, and that's where it matters. Now, I'm just gonna pop this in here.

Laura [00:19:29]:
Yes, if you're coaching with me, you get 247 access to me. If you're like, I, I not coaching with you, but oh my God, seriously, you will talk to me. You will talk to me all day, every day, throughout the day. Like, that's a little bit extreme, but yes, you will talk to me. I will talk to you. Go to betrayal lifeline.com My Voxer coaching is called Betrayal Lifeline because it is your lifeline. It is your in the moment assistance to help you regulate yourself, to help you figure out what's going on and to help you be able to discern, okay, this is abusive. My partner is being manipulative and abusive and this is totally toxic.

Laura [00:20:15]:
Or you know what, you're each having a trauma reaction. Let's regulate and come back to this in 30 or 40 minutes. So if you're interested. Betrayal lifeline.com Sign up for voxing Voxer Coaching. We can start talking as soon as today because wisdom and clarity unfold over time as we live. And that discernment helps you stay connected to yourself so you don't default. Mold into fear or black and white thinking or good, bad, right? Wrong. A leopard never changes its spots.

Laura [00:20:56]:
Panic. Okay, got so much more I want to cover. But what I want to move into now is hypnosis, trauma and influence. Because this is one of the reasons I became a clinical hypnotherapist. When I stopped practicing law, I went back to school and I got a two year associate's degree in clinical hypnotherapy. Because I understood how powerful it was. And, well, first of all, it just made sense. And then as I started experimenting with it and experiencing the effects myself, I was blown away at how fast change could be created.

Laura [00:21:37]:
Now, before some of you panic and freak out because hypnosis sounds really, really weird or manipulative, no, it is not about me making you bark like a dog or cluck like a chicken. I want to explain what it really is because it's totally fascinated. Hypnosis is helping people access their suggestibility. And I mean that not like in a scary movie sense. Because one of the biggest misconceptions about hypnosis is it's about mind control and that somebody is going to control your mind. Ethical hypnosis, clinical hypnosis, is actually the complete opposite. Hypnosis helps you become less controlled by unconscious fear. Hypnosis helps you become less suggestible to fear, to conditioning, to trauma, to overwhelm and to external influence.

Laura [00:22:40]:
It helps you become less suggestible, not more. And the truth is, whenever we experience a betrayal, a trauma of any sort, we go into a hypnotic state. In fact, the average person goes in and out of a hypnotic state about seven or eight times a day. Advertising, whether it's on TV or the radio, is designed to induce a hypnotic state. A lot of just like TV shows induce a hypnotic state. Believe it or not, church services, sermons, if you've got incense, if you've got chanting, if you've got any ritualistic thing like that, it induces a hypnotic state. We are subject to hypnotic states all the time. And when we experience something stressful or overwhelming, it automatically puts us into a state of hypnosis.

Laura [00:23:38]:
So yes, just by virtue of the fact that you have been betrayed and you're dealing with this, chances are good that you were in a hypnotic suggestible state and that you are staying in a hypnotic suggestible state longer than you normally would have. Not because somebody waved a watch in front of your face, but because trauma itself creates those emotional loops. Trauma itself creates an intense hyper vigilance, hyper focus on how do I keep myself safe? Which then makes you more suggestible because it's overloaded the nervous system. Because your critical thinking becomes less accessible and your brain gets stuck in that loop of constantly scanning for safety, for certainty and for answers. Which means you are highly susceptible to fear, to panic, to social media, to projection, projection of other people, shame, absolutism, and to everybody else telling you what you should and should not do. Part of the reason why I integrate hypnotherapy into my work is because betrayal creates this trance like state of fear and survival. In fact, all of my sessions in my Rise and rain package include 30 minutes of hypnosis that I then record and give to you and say, hey, you should play this a few times a week because it's going to help keep you out of that trance like state of fear and panic and survival. So in summary, hypnosis, when used ethically, when used skillfully, helps you become less suggestible to outside influences and to reconnect to yourself, to your desires, to your wants, to your own brain.

Laura [00:25:38]:
It helps you to regulate your nervous system more quickly, more efficiently, so you can stop living under that influence of fear. Sometimes, and this is true, sometimes I do a specific influence to bring you a specific hypnosis to bring you out of hypnosis. It's crazy, but that's true. I have an entire hypnosis protocol where I hypnotize you, take you a little bit deep, and then have you come out of hypnosis and live in that wide awake state. In fact, and I want you to try this, one of the words, the cue phrase that I use and that many hypnotherapists use is wide awake. Wide awake. Because our mind and our body knows what it means to be wide awake. So if you find yourself stressed out, if you find yourself looping, if you find yourself feeling overly suggestible, what I want you to do is say those words to yourself.

Laura [00:26:45]:
Wide awake. Wide awake. I am wide awake. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 or 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Wide awake. 1, 2, 3 eyes open, wide awake. Say that to yourself. Yes, it's great if you can say it out loud, but you can also say it to yourself silently.

Laura [00:27:05]:
Wide awake. That is what it means to live in your power. That's what it means to live under your own influence. Because what are you under the influence of? I want you to be under the influence of yourself in your own brain and your own life experiences. Not mind control, not others. Projection, not. Well, this happened to my friend or my aunt or this person online. But for you, that's that real self reconnection that I'm talking about.

Laura [00:27:45]:
So honestly, right here, right now, I want you to pause and I want you to say, eyes open, wide awake. I am wide awake. And again, this is one of the reasons why choosing your support carefully matters so much. Early on, I became a part of a Facebook group that was really darn negative. And I wanted to figure out, like, could, could my marriage be saved? Was I going to be okay? What was it going to look like? And I wasn't. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. And I did want to look at the numbers and the stats and I wanted to, like, weigh my odds. And all of a sudden I started realizing that whenever I'm interacting in this group, I walk away feeling angry and I walk away feeling, like, harsh.

Laura [00:28:47]:
It's not going to work. And he's a narcissist and he's a jerk and I'm going to leave him and it's going to be great. And it really took me a while to realize, whoa, whoa, whoa. That is their story. That's not my story. And why I finally came to that decision is I posted something about not being ready to leave. I wanted to explore reconciliation. And instead of being like, explore what you need to explore.

Laura [00:29:14]:
Come back if you need to pay attention to X, Y and Z and don't allow yourself to be, you know what I mean? Like, giving some real advice, like set some money aside and da, da, da, da da. I got some really nasty responses about, like, you're gaslighting yourself and blah, blah, blah. And I can see how badly you desperately need this to work out. And you're so weak and why can't you? And it was like, whoa, this is. You're misreading me totally. I felt so triggered. I felt so ashamed. I felt scared.

Laura [00:29:54]:
I felt like suddenly it was not a safe group for me to be in. And that's what I want you first regulate. But that's what I want you to start asking yourself, like, which rooms feel safe? And I've had some people reach out to me. I do try to keep my Facebook group Betrayed to Brilliant. If you are there, flaunt. Flaunt. Betrayed to Brilliant. Oh, flaunt a fair recovery for women.

Laura [00:30:24]:
Betrayed to Brilliant. That's the full name. I've had some people reach out because I try to keep a positive, but sometimes people are triggered, and sometimes people put their own stories on it. And I've had some people reach out and, like, ask. They say, oh, my gosh, this person is really triggering me. Or should I stay? And it's like, you know what? Pause, Step away. If you're feeling triggered, if you're feeling influenced, always take care of yourself first. So I want you to notice, like, who are the people you feel good around? What are the online communities that you feel good around? If you leave feeling empowered and regulated and like, yeah, I've got this.

Laura [00:31:09]:
Those are rooms you need to stay in. And if you start feeling, like, jacked up, I'm gonna do this, and I'm not gonna do this, and it's never gonna work. And they're stupid. And this is if it starts becoming black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, stupid or smart. If you can exercise some more discernment and back away, I would highly recommend it, because that is your clue that I'm not in my own power, I'm not under my own influence, and I'm allowing myself to get carried away by the energy of this group, by the energy of this coach, by the energy of this whatever it is. And again, there's nothing good or bad or right or wrong. It's just, where can I maintain my center and where can I not? Navigating betrayal alone is really hard. When your nervous system is dysregulated.

Laura [00:32:21]:
Things can get overwhelming really quickly. And find those spaces where you're always toning it down and you're always coming back home again. Whether it's like me and the Betrayal Lifeline, I'd love you to try that. Or whether it's going to Better help. I partner with Better Help. They sponsor this podcast and reaching out to a therapist or trying several different therapists until you find somebody who works for you, try something. Because my hope is for you to find that person, that space, that room where your discernment comes into play and you feel connected to yourself. I'm going to put links in the episode, but if you do want to check out BetterHelp, it's betterhelp.com forward/fortunk, and that's my discount code.

Laura [00:33:16]:
And you get 10% off an entire month of therapy and then betrayal lifeline for me to sign up for the voxer coaching. Now, the next part that I want to talk about is why knowledge reduces fear. And this is the perfect segue to talking about like, hey, coach with me, or hey, hit up betterhelp. Knowledge reduces fear. I don't know if any of you have had babies and if any of you have done childbirth education, but when I had my kids, I did a couple of different childbirth education things. And they talked about the fear, pain, tension cycle. The more you fear something, the more painful it's going to feel, and then the more tension that's going to create and which leads to more fear. And it's that fear of paying tension.

Laura [00:34:09]:
Fear of paying tension. The more the more the more. And that's exactly what happens when you have faced betrayal. When we hear other people's stories that create fear, it creates pain, which creates tension, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't need to walk you through that, but that is one of the reason why, as a lawyer, I try to help you legally and financially as well. This show, working with me, is not about me representing you or doing your finances. It's about giving you enough awareness so you can stay informed and so you can create emotional regulation around it. You know what I mean? Like if.

Laura [00:35:01]:
If you walk out of your house, if you walk out of the marital home, if you abandon the marital home and you are not aware that this is true, some states consider you leaving the abandonment of the marital home, which can then affect maintenance and division of property because you've abandoned it. It's good to know. It's really good to know. One of the things I tell people to do is like, check with an attorney in your state, write a letter to your partner. Sometimes just writing a letter. I am leaving our home temporarily. I'm moving into an Airbnb temporarily because we need to work on our marriage and I need space. Can you create a paper trail that helps in the event that things go south and a court says no, you've abandoned the marital home.

Laura [00:35:56]:
Like having the knowledge to create the paper trail. That's what I'm about, having the knowledge about how much maintenance might you get. Here are the child support guidelines so you can start looking at things and you can start figuring it out? Yes. Do you have a prenup? Let's look through it. It's about enough legal financial awareness so you're not blindsided one day. It's about healing your nervous system. It's about putting all the pieces of betrayal together. Because when you've got that knowledge, it reduces the fear.

Laura [00:36:43]:
You have created some of your own certainty. You might not be certain exactly how the divorce is going to go down, but you can be certain that the child Support guidelines specify 1, 2 and 3, that the Division of property rules in your state, state 1, 2 and 3, so you've got some more certainty. So it's not this big mishmash of what this might look like, but you've got an idea and it reduces the fear. Women who understand their options are less likely to be manipulated. Women who understand their options are less likely to be gaslit. They are less likely to be suggestible to somebody else's manipulation because they know what's up. And if somebody, I cannot tell you the number of times I've had a client call or sent a vox or send an email and they're in a total panic because their partner told them something or their soon to be ex partner told them something and they're like, oh my God. And it takes a while for them to back down, to have this conversation, to be like, okay, let's look at the facts.

Laura [00:38:03]:
Let's look at the facts. Let's regulate your nervous system. You do not need to be suggestible or manipulatable to them because you know what's true. And you can be certain in yourself, and this is a big one. Certain in your ability to know where to go to access the information. Bada bing, bada boom. Do you know where to go to access information? Who is your resource that you can trust? Who do you know that is not going to spew their unhealed pain on you? That's why it is so important to get help, to have trusted resources to find those people in your life that you can go to that will help you make very clear decisions. Women who understand their options are less susceptible and less manipulatable.

Laura [00:39:06]:
And I really want to be clear too. Understanding your legal rights does not mean you are getting divorced. I am an attorney. I did not think I was going to get divorced early on. And yet still one of the first things I did was had an appointment with an attorney because I wanted to make sure. I wanted to be certain about certain things. Understanding finances does not mean you're leaving. Understanding betrayal, trauma, being angry.

Laura [00:39:38]:
Having your partner take certain steps does not mean your marriage is doomed. It means you're becoming informed. And informed people make better decisions. Fear shrinks your world and knowledge expands it. I'M not sure if you know this, because sometimes people don't know this, but sometimes they're like, oh, my God, your, your book, your podcast, it's all flaunt. Like, what does that even mean? And the energy of flaunt, that is so different that than the energy of betrayal, recovery. And this, this, this doesn't make sense, but this is where it comes from. The idea that fear and trauma collapses us.

Laura [00:40:20]:
And flaunting is about expanding. It's about expanding and trusting ourselves and being who we are. Fear says, you're trapped. This was horrible. You're a victim. Knowledge, the energy of flaunt says, you have options. You may not like all the options, but you have options. And let's walk each option down a few levels and see, if I do this, then that's going to happen, if that's going to happen.

Laura [00:40:52]:
Like flaunting, knowledge is truly all about making those best decisions because you know what's going on. Fear says you're never going to survive. This knowledge is, I only have to take one step at a time. And my next best step right now might be breathing. It might be going to a hotel for the night. It might being sending Lora a vox and just spending the afternoon going back and forth one step at a time. Fear is truly about tell. Having somebody tell you what to do, about looking at somebody who's certain.

Laura [00:41:34]:
And it worked for them, and it's going to work for me. Wisdom is about knowing where to go to get information, about sourcing information, running that information through your body and being like, this doesn't feel right or, oh, this feels good. And that's why I have no interest in telling people what you should or shouldn't do. I don't know. Like I said, I'm not pro marriage. I'm not pro divorce. I'm not anti men. Sometimes people are like, you certainly have a lot of compassion for the cheater.

Laura [00:42:13]:
Yeah, I do. I have a lot of compassion for the betrayed and for the betrayer. I'm not pro or anti anything. I am really pro clarity. I am pro nervous system regulation. I am pro self trust. I am pro informed discernment. Your life is your life.

Laura [00:42:39]:
Your healing cannot come from outsourcing your truth truly to, like, the loudest voice in the room. And I want you to know that. And I also want you to see how, before this happened, you would have never let that happen. Most of the people that I work with are very strong, smart, capable women who have done a lot. And then when betrayal happens, they collapse. What I want for you is for you to be able to step back into your power. And by stepping into your power, I mean by not railroading over, by not disconnecting to what you're feeling, but by feeling it all fully and allowing yourself to be vulnerable by returning to that place of self trust. I know how it feels because I, I was there to think, how did I not know? Are you kidding? How did I freaking miss this? What else do I not know about? What else am I wrong about? I thought I was intuitive.

Laura [00:43:48]:
Why can't I trust my instincts? How could I have been so stupid I could never trust myself again? Is love even real? And honestly, it's that loss of self trust that is more painful than the betrayal itself. But healing is not about becoming fearless. Healing is learning how to go slow and to hear yourself again under the noise. I did an episode maybe a month ago about the noise of betrayal and how all that noise is out there underneath the panic, underneath the projections, underneath everybody else's certainty is you. You do not need to become fearful to become safe. Fear does not create safety. You do not need to be cynical to become wise. And oh my goodness, you do not need other people to make these important decisions for you.

Laura [00:44:49]:
What you need is regulation, support, information, time, and enough self trust to stop living under the influence of everybody else and to start hearing your own truth again. So asking yourself the question, what am I under the influence of? And this is a really good exercise, at any point in life, I'm under the influence of stress, external deadlines, I'm under the influence of my kids problems, I'm under the influence of my neighborhoods, whatever. Like truly, at any point in time, ask yourself that question, what am I under the influence of? And it's not that I'm asking you to make these grand and glorious changes, I'm just asking you to notice, yeah, I'm under the influence of my parents right now. Dang it, I am under the influence. I have gotten way too in deep with something or other. And notice that, notice that. And then ask yourself if that feels right or if that feels different. Going back to what I was saying earlier about hypnosis.

Laura [00:46:30]:
Remembering, who am I under the influence or what am I under the influence of? Where am I? How do I feel? Asking those questions pulls you back in to that prefrontal cortex. It pulls you back up into that thinking portion of your brain. And sometimes just being able to ask and answer those questions is enough to get you out of that suggestible state. And you know, when I said you can count yourself up. 1, 2, 3, wide awake. Or 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, wide awake. It's just that constant affirmation of where you're at and it can be really, really helpful. Another thing, and we're going to do this together to close out this show, is feel your body.

Laura [00:47:28]:
I don't care if you are walking, if you're driving, if you're laying on the bed, see if you can feel the outline of your body like your skin. The outline of your skin, the fingers, the toes, your waist. Can you feel the back of your ears? Try to feel the skin on the back of your ears and your temples. Feel the outline of your body. Feel where you are touching the earth. And maybe you feel your thighs or your feet, maybe you feel the weight of your arms against your side and feel where you are just in space. My shoulders are not touching anything that my neck, my throat. Are you wearing jewelry? Can you feel those earrings or that necklace or those bracelets or rings? Can you feel the outline of your body? And sometimes that's enough to bring you back in to who you are.

Laura [00:48:58]:
You have asked yourself questions. You have guided and directed your own attention. You are under the influence of you silently repeat to yourself, I am under my own influence. I am capable. I am competent. I am under my own influence. I am wide awake. I have the ability to calm myself.

Laura [00:49:45]:
I am in charge of my own life. I can breathe, I can swallow. I am me. I am wide awake. I am clear. I am wide awake. I trust myself. I am wide awake.

Laura [00:50:30]:
And I know what to do. Breathe. Notice how this feels in your body. Have your thoughts settled? Do they feel clear but not fixed? There's a difference between feeling settled and feeling fixed. How is your breath? Is it a little bit deeper into your abdomen? How is the speed of your thoughts? Is it a little bit slower? Does it feel better? If not, keep breathing, keep feeling the outline of your body and keep affirming for yourself. I am awake. I am under my own influence. I've got this.

Laura [00:51:46]:
I am so glad that we had this time together. To truly talk openly about this and to give you some tools, like telling yourself wide awake, feeling your body, all the different things to help bring you back into a state of awareness. As I mentioned earlier, I would love to work with you with the Betrayal Lifeline. Go to betrayal lifeline.com and if you want more, absolutely. This is why I'm here. I'm not going to tell you to stay or go. I'm not going to force a narrative onto your Life. I'm going to help you reconnect truly to yourself to the point that you can trust and that you'll know, yeah, somebody's being trustworthy or they're not.

Laura [00:52:41]:
So I don't care. If you want to do an introductory session with me, do an introductory session. I think you know where to find me. Introductory Session.com if you're just like, nope, I just want to jump into the lifeline that in the moment stuff sounds great. Go to the lifeline.com betrayalifeline.com we'll figure it all out. I mean, you can probably even tell by the way that I talk, like, we'll figure it out. It's not a one size fits all. It's not a one path.

Laura [00:53:11]:
Actually, I just got off of a call with somebody right before I recorded this show. And it was really interesting because at the end of our time together, she said, this is. This has been great. And she said, honestly, I want to be honest with you. I'm going to go interview some other people before making a decision. And I said, I'm so glad you are, because would I love to work with you, of course, but I want you to find the best fit. Go interview people. And I said, here's, here's my biggest tip, though, when you're interviewing people, and this is my biggest tip for you too.

Laura [00:53:42]:
Whether it's a therapist, a coach, whatever. Ask people for what you want. Like if they have a certain package and it's not exactly what you want, ask them for something different. You can start small. Like if you go to a restaurant and you want a substitution on something, ask for that change. Because that practice of identifying what you want and then asking for it is truly life altering. Ask for what you want. Because in order to ask for what you want, you need to know what you want.

Laura [00:54:19]:
So if you're interviewing people and you want weekly sessions and they only offer monthly, ask for more if you want less, if you want more. This woman that I was talking to, she said, I, I want some clinical assessments. Do you do that? And I said, you know, not usually, but hey, if you want them, we could figure it out. Ask for what you want. Know what you want. Ask for what you want. Trust your self. So before we go.

Laura [00:54:51]:
Feel your skin. Take a breath. One, two, three. Wide awake. I am under my own influence. I am under my own influence. And one more time. I am under my own influence.

Laura [00:55:14]:
Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.

Speaker A [00:55:26]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or betrayal. With Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 radio network network uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.