Will I Ever Feel Normal Again After Betrayal?

Speaker A [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide. Dot.

Speaker B [00:00:35]:
One of the most common questions that women ask me after betrayal is, will I ever feel normal again? Will I ever feel like myself? And then, most importantly, when. When will I feel like myself again? And it's really interesting because the question is not, will my marriage survive? Or will I ever learn how to trust again? It's more primal than that. It's more basic than that. It's, will I ever feel like myself again? Because betrayal doesn't just break your heart. It truly breaks your sense of self. It breaks your reality. It disrupts our routines. Like all of those normal things that we do day in, day out, suddenly we're not doing them.

Speaker B [00:01:35]:
It completely shatters our identity. It's like, wait a minute, I thought. I thought I was a wife. I thought I was a partner. I thought I was loved. It really impacts your ability to relax, to sleep. I don't even remember how long it was, but it felt like I couldn't sleep for weeks. I mean, at all.

Speaker B [00:02:03]:
I would just lie there, and my mind would be going crazy, and I'd be replaying it and replaying it and trying to wrap my head around that this just happened. And then betrayal also really impacts your ability to trust your perception. You know what I mean? I thought my husband was a good person. I thought my marriage was really good. I thought we were happy. How. How can I not even know? And then going forward, if I trusted you before, how would I trust you again? If I couldn't even figure that out, how can I trust myself for anything? And in the midst of all that chaos, that's truly when we start wondering, who am I? Like, who was I? But who am I? And who. Who am I going to be in the future? Because I can't even see what that looks like.

Speaker B [00:03:03]:
And that's what I want to talk with you about today, very honestly, very candidly, is what healing from betrayal actually means. Because there's a lot out there, and there's all of these, I think, big, amazing promises out there, too. Heal your marriage. Heal yourself. Become better after betrayal. And I think that's what I really want to address today. What's realistic? You know what I mean? What is realistic? What does real healing look and sound and feel like? Because, yeah, there's that polished Instagram version of, you know, people rocking together in hammocks and hugging and it's like, yeah, I've got those moments, too. I had those moments in the past also.

Speaker B [00:03:52]:
And guess what? Were they really real? So I don't know. I don't know. I mean, lifestyle is important, but let's get real. And in service of let's get real, if you've got some questions, if you have some thoughts, please reach out to me, because I am real, too. But sometimes people are like, I don't know what I can say to you. I don't know. You can say everything to me. Trust me, I have heard it all and then some.

Speaker B [00:04:25]:
I have been through it all and then some. And I'm here for you to bring the difficult questions, too. You know what I mean? You come to me when you're not perfect. You come to me when you are really feeling out of hope, like, the bug stops here. Let's get real and let's talk about it. Not polished, but where you are at. Bring that to me. And speaking about not polished, healing is not polished.

Speaker B [00:05:06]:
Healing is not a destination that we arrive to. It's not like we wake up one Thursday morning and say, I am perfectly healed. It's not like we move on in our life or in our current relationship or in future relationships and we say, I am never triggered again. I just never thought about it. It's totally over. That's not real healing. That's not real life. That's not real relationships.

Speaker B [00:05:35]:
And I think most importantly, that's also not real nervous system recovery. Do my husband and I still fight? Of course. We're human. Do we still have misunderstandings? Yes. Does he still irritate the crap out of me sometimes? Yes. Do I irritate him? I'm sure not. No. But really, yes.

Speaker B [00:05:57]:
It's not like we are laying on the sand, drinks in hand, clinking 24 7. We have a lot of really great times. And we also have real life. We snap at each other. We have houses to clean, laundries to do. It's the truth of our healing, though. It's not that we never get triggered, it's that it doesn't hijack the whole marriage. Something can happen and I can have a question or an insecurity and I can bring it to him and then we talk about it and we Address it.

Speaker B [00:06:38]:
And maybe it's even messy. It's not like we address everything perfectly every single time. It's just that it doesn't hijack the marriage. We can have a difficult conversation and then have our kids and our family over and have dinner and legitimately be happy. We can unpack something really deep, really hard, and then still go crash on the couch and watch an episode of something and then go to bed and have a great, a great pillow talk session that has nothing to do but with a difficult conversation early on. It's that we know how to have healthier communication and we know how to process things in a healthy way. And that's what I really want to talk about. And I think also what I want to say is you're not going to be the same as you were before.

Speaker B [00:07:36]:
You are never going to be the same as you were you were before. And I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Whenever we lose somebody that we love, we move through the grief process and we are changed because of them. And that's how it is with betrayal. You're not going to be the same person that you were before. Yeah, there's some grief to that. There's some sadness to that. My question really is, do you want to be, though? Because the people that I work with, the changes that I realistically see on the other side is people become wiser, they become grounded, way more grounded.

Speaker B [00:08:27]:
They become more connected to themselves and they're stronger. But it's not stronger in a cynical way or in a way like, I've got this, I don't need anybody. It's, I am trusting myself and I've got myself and I'm staying true to me. And to me, that's really the key, is staying true to yourself. Because if you're anything like me, I spent many years not really being true to myself. So let's unpack this a little bit. Let's first talk about why we feel so abnormal after betrayal, why we don't feel like ourselves anymore. From there, I want to go into what people think healing is going to look like.

Speaker B [00:09:30]:
Because what we think healing is going to look like really isn't what it looks like. And that's what I'm going to do in part three is I'm going to talk about what healing actually really, truly does look like. And then lastly, I'm going to talk about what to expect during that healing cycle. Because healing is nonlinear and it helps to know where you're at along the way. Does that sound Good. I think it sounds good. Okay, first of all, why do you feel abnormal after betrayal? Oh, my gosh, so many reasons. But first and most importantly, betrayal collapses our reality.

Speaker B [00:10:23]:
When we find out we've been betrayed, everything we think about ourselves in our life and our relationship, we find out is not true. And even though you might be thinking, no, no, no, I just found out this one person did something, it's so much more than that, because that person is the person that you built your life around. So it's not just that I found out this one person was being unfaithful. It. It impacts your family, it impacts your finances, it impacts your memories, it impacts your future, it impacts your past, it collapses your entire reality. And worse, it gives you this whole view of humanity. I cannot tell you how many women that I talk to that will say something like, I didn't know people did this. Oh, my God.

Speaker B [00:11:11]:
Suddenly I'm in this world and everybody's cheating. This is. How did I not know? This is blowing my mind. And it's like, yes, isn't it? I know. And it shifts the way that we think the world works. Like, why would other women do this? Oh, my God, this has to be an anomaly. This has to be a one off thing. And then we realize, wow, no, it's not.

Speaker B [00:11:38]:
And that's destabilizing. Truly, anytime we learn something that goes against the worldview that we have constructed or that was constructed for us, it's incredibly destabilizing. And all of a sudden, when we see things differently, when we see things as they are, it's incredibly destabilizing. And then we don't feel like ourselves again. Because I am a person who believed that people were fundamentally good. I was a person who believed that women have each other's backs. I am a person who believed that if I do good, other people will do good for me. I'm a person who believed that other people would see me and notice me and take care of me.

Speaker B [00:12:22]:
Like, I believed all of those things, and suddenly I saw that they weren't true. And I had. I couldn't deny it anymore, and I had to rebuild. The second reason that you don't feel like yourself is your nervous system is completely dysregulated, which means you're in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. And that's not a state that most of us are used to living in 24, 7. And after betrayal, bam, we are there. We are in a pretty much constant state of nervous system dysregulation. And when we're in that state.

Speaker B [00:13:02]:
We can't eat, we can't sleep because our body is in survival mode. All of the energy needs to go to that survival portion of the brain. Into the fighting, into the running, or into that shutdown. People don't live typically in a state of survival. And then suddenly when you find out this has happened, bam. Your nervous system goes on high alert and you're living with dysregulation, which means you are not using the critical thinking portion of your mind. It means instead of responding, you're reacting. And it's just like any other time when you're reacting and suddenly you look back on the decisions you're making.

Speaker B [00:13:44]:
You're like, what was I thinking? And the answer is, well, you weren't thinking because you were in survival mode. So you can look back at some of the things that you did and during your betrayal and think, what was I thinking? And the answer again is you weren't. Your nervous system was totally dysregulated and that's why you didn't feel like yourself, because you didn't have access to those parts of your brain. Because you don't have access to those parts of your brain because your reality is collapsed. Because this has been a huge shock to the system. You start having obsessive thoughts. You start falling into thought loops. You start obsessing over details.

Speaker B [00:14:30]:
What you missed, what they said, what she wore, what he thought. And you cannot control your brain. It's not that you can control your brain and you're doing a bad job at it. You cannot control your brain. You cannot focus. You are too busy being a hyper vigilant because your system is, is in fight, flight or freeze to focus. So yes, you, you're, you're a mess. Like, you're out of whack.

Speaker B [00:14:59]:
You don't feel like yourself because you're out of whack. And yes, because of this, you're also going to have body symptoms. Who else was nauseous? I threw up. So many people throw up or feel like they're going to throw up. I physically collapsed onto the floor. We have body symptoms. I, I, I was shocked. Shaking.

Speaker B [00:15:20]:
So of course it's all of those things. You're not feeling like yourself because you're not acting like yourself. It's like, it's like when you've had too much caffeine and you start shaking and you're like, why can't I control it? Or if you drink too much and you have too much alcohol and you think, why am I not Feeling like myself. Why can't I control it? Well, I can't because there's a foreign substance in my body and it's completely dysregulating me. But betrayal is that foreign substance in your body and it dysregulates you and know you're not going to feel like yourself. You are not failing at healing. Your system is responding to shock just like your system responds to anything else. Our body will take care of itself.

Speaker B [00:16:08]:
So your body is responding to shock, fight, flight or freeze is adaptive. So one of the things that people often think, and I'm going to go into what women think healing looks like in a second. But one of the things that people think a lot is that healing means they're going to stop feeling bad. And unfortunately that's not true. Sometimes people think healing means it's we're just going to go back to normal and it's just like right before it happened. And. And that's not true. It's healing is really about rebuilding that internal sense of safety.

Speaker B [00:16:53]:
It's about rebuilding your identity. It's about rebuilding yourself in your life based on your new understanding of how the world works and based on what you have been through. Your identity has collapsed. Your nervous system is out of whack. You've got obsessive thoughts going. You can't focus. You are hyper vigilant. Your body can't eat, it can't sleep.

Speaker B [00:17:20]:
So why do you feel so abnormal after betrayal? Because you're in shock and that's how your body responds to it. Okay, so the second thing I wanted to talk about is what women think healing will look alike, will look like. People think that one day they won't care. One day they'll just be fully confident. They think they'll never get triggered. They think they will have learned how to communicate and they'll know exactly what to do. Or they think, oh, I'll get closure. I'll have this incredible discussion and I will get closure and I can move on.

Speaker B [00:18:01]:
And I know you can probably tell by the sound of my voice, I was making a lot of those things sound overly simplistic for a reason. We want healing to be overly simplistic. We want someone to hand us that magic pill. We want somebody to take away the pain. The pain is so intense, the disruption is so uncomfortable that we just want it it gone. We want a counselor to fix it. We want a coach to guide us through. We want a magic pill.

Speaker B [00:18:40]:
The truth is, healing is much quieter than that. It's much more subtle and it's way more nuanced than all of that. Will you get to the point where one day you don't care? You know what? This is a big part of your life and you're always going to care. Whether you're together or apart, you're still going to care that this happened to you. One day I'll be fully confident. Really? Is anybody fully confident ever? No. One day I'll never get triggered. I've never met somebody who is never triggered.

Speaker B [00:19:28]:
I have never not been fully, like, untriggerable. I am a human. I have a lot of capacity and I have things to do to increase my capacity. But you bet I'll be triggered again, and so will you, because it's part of being human. Same thing with, like, knowing what to do. You will know a lot more of what to do. You will be so much better, but you're still going to have confused moments. And then the closure thing.

Speaker B [00:20:02]:
I've done whole episodes on closure. Closure isn't really a thing. Sorry. Closure isn't really a thing. There's a lot of things that you can do to find peace. There's a lot of things that you can do to tie up loose ends. But again, the idea of having closure is kind of a myth, which leads me right into the heart of this episode. What does healing look like now that you've told me, Lora, that healing isn't neat and tidy.

Speaker B [00:20:44]:
It's not something that we just do and put a bow on it and then put behind us. What does healing mean? Okay, here are some of the signs of healing. Healing means you can sleep through the night. Again, like, truly, it means you can go to sleep and you can stay asleep. Maybe not every night, but more and more nights. The first night that you sleep through the night is a huge win. Healing means that you laugh unexpectedly at something. You know that you are out and you see something that lights you up and you smile or you wave or you laugh.

Speaker B [00:21:34]:
You might see something on social media and it cracks you up. You're watching TV or listening to the radio and you're like, woohoo. And you have that moment of spontaneous joy. Having those moments of spontaneous joy of laughter, means you're healing. Healing means having more and more hours without obsessing. And, you know, maybe it's only I made it through my workout and didn't obsess. That's a big win. Then maybe it's I made it through my workout and I took a shower and got ready and listened to motivational music and I didn't think about it for four hours.

Speaker B [00:22:21]:
Healing means you're not obsessing. And there's a difference, too, between thinking about something and truly obsessing. Healing means that you stop needing to check constantly. I want to tell you a little story. I've had moments like this before. I mean, it's been eight and a half years. It's been. It's been a long time.

Speaker B [00:22:47]:
But things that I had noticed along the way early on, when I was trying to figure all this out and I was trying to see what was going on, every time Sean, my husband, would get in the shower, I'd be like. And I'd go grab his phone and I try to break in, and I'd see what was going on, and I would check messages and I'd be like, he's only going to be in there for five minutes. You know, go, go, go, go, go. And I had this obsessive need to check. And then sure enough, I found out. I found out he was cheating on me. And then it was every time something would happen, oh, he's grouchy. I better check his phone and see what's going on.

Speaker B [00:23:25]:
Oh, he's feeling distant. I better check his phone and see what's going on. And then over time, it was like, I just don't need that. And then sometimes there would just be insecure moments. And I'd say, can I check your phone? And he'd be like, sure, anytime. And I would go through things and I would question, why did you like this person on Instagram? And what was going on with that? And. And I would have. I don't want to say paranoid, because it wasn't paranoid.

Speaker B [00:23:53]:
I had every reason to feel paranoid, but it was like these hyper vigilant states where I needed to check into everything. And then at some point, that need just completely went away. We have a place in Florida. Last fall, maybe, when we were there and Sean went down to the beach and I was just in our bedroom there getting ready and kind of straightening things up, and I noticed that his phone was there. And I paused and I thought, do I even have a desire to check on him? And it was like, no, there is legit, no desire in me to go through his phone to check his messages. Like it's. It's not there. And right now he's in California.

Speaker B [00:24:46]:
And him being in this part of California brought up a memory of a woman that he did not have an affair with. It brought up a memory of a woman who was a friend that he would sometimes see when he would be in California. And I started thinking about it before he left, and I was like, okay, I know nothing happened with her. I know she was a friend, but why? Why would you not tell me that, oh, hey, I'm going to go meet this woman for coffee, because if I meet friends for coffee, I just say it. And it was interesting because he had to think about it. And he's like, you know what? I don't really know, because he said, honestly, nothing happened with her. But he said it was just part of that pattern of keeping secrets. It was part of that pattern of, I've got my own life, separate and distinct from Lora, and I can do what I want and she'll never know.

Speaker B [00:25:52]:
And he's like, it was just kind of a weird part of that pattern. And I never really thought about it much other than when I put myself back to that time frame. I just kind of got a thrill being secretive and having this whole life again. Am I triggered? Maybe a little. I'm seeking information, but I'm not hijacked. I'm not sweating. I'm not nauseous. I'm not paranoid.

Speaker B [00:26:17]:
And it was like, yeah, great conversation, thanks. And he said something along the lines of like, that was. That was actually really interesting for me, too. I need to think about that. And it's like, yeah, thanks, me too. And then he went to California, and he's in California now, and he left his iPad at home. And the iPad sings to all the messages and everything. Is there a part of me that even cares to check this? And it's like, no.

Speaker B [00:26:47]:
And then there was a part of me that was like, yeah, but you just had this thought, and since you just have this conversation, do you want to check? And did he reach out? And. And it was just like, that's not in me anymore. No, I. I have no interest in that. I asked the question, he answered the question. It makes sense. He was thoughtful. I was thoughtful.

Speaker B [00:27:09]:
I have no interest in breaking into his iPad. And that's. That's what I mean. When I talk about healing, you go, it. You just don't care to check constantly. You can still ask questions based on the responses. It could have triggered me more, but instead it just triggered me less. But that's what it means to healing.

Speaker B [00:27:34]:
And that's kind of a long, boring example. But so much of healing is boring like that. Some other things. Food tastes good again. You get hungry again, you get thirsty again. Music hits differently. You can be singing lyrics and not even thinking about, oh, what did this Lyrics say, or what does it mean? You start bouncing along to the beat. You want to turn on the radio.

Speaker B [00:27:59]:
It's fun. I think this is a really big one. Healing means you stop rehearsing all of these conversations in your head. How many of you have pretended you've got the other woman there and you're having this conversation and you're going back and forth, or you've got your partner there and you're having all these conversations, you just stop because it doesn't matter. So healing means you're not having all these weird conversations in your head. It also means you trust your gut faster, maybe faster than ever before, but you just do things, and you trust it. And if you make a mistake, you're okay with that. You're truly okay.

Speaker B [00:28:46]:
You trust that you can make decisions, and you trust that if those decisions don't work out, you're gonna be fine. I think another really, really important point of healing is you stop explaining your pain. In particular, you stop explaining your pain to people who don't get it, because, let's face it, we all have people in our lives who get it, and we all have people in our lives who don't get it. And early on, I so wanted to explain to people how it wasn't me and what was going on, and. And then pretty soon you're like, I guess if it happens to you one day, you'll get it or you won't. But it's really not on me to explain it, and I don't really care. And if you judge me, you can judge me. I'm truly.

Speaker B [00:29:41]:
I'm good with that. If you think I'm weak or whatever, I'm good with that. I don't know if you know, but I have got most of my podcast episodes on YouTube as videos, and I've got all of the shows that I did with Sean on YouTube as well. And you can see the dynamics between us. You can see the energy between us. You can see a conversation between two healthy, healed people talking about something that in the past was really painful. And, no, I would not have been filming our conversations way back when. I'm filming them from where we stand now.

Speaker B [00:30:32]:
And I get some really interesting comments from people because they're like, yeah, there you are sitting across from him, and he's talking about cheating on you, and you're nodding and smiling. What a lucky guy. You just accept it, and how pathetic are you? You're just sitting, and it's like, I can see all those comments, and I know they don't get it. I know they don't know my journey. I know that they don't know. And it's okay. It's really okay. Sometimes I'll address something if I honestly think I have something to share.

Speaker B [00:31:11]:
But usually it's like I just smile because it's like you can think that, and that's great. You can think that I know differently and I have nothing to say and I don't need to explain it to you. And I really. It really doesn't. It. My body doesn't feel it. It's all good. Another huge sign that you're healing is that you start caring about your future again.

Speaker B [00:31:42]:
You really start caring about your future. You stop caring about hurting the other person. You stop caring about telling your old story. You start caring about your future. That is one of the tools that I use with people a lot. I've got. I've got several different coaching packages and I've got a new one coming up that you're going to absolutely love. But in my Rise and rain program, one of the things that I have people do, I've got this beautiful life choreography journey.

Speaker B [00:32:17]:
I can't talk Life choreography journal. And the first part of the life choreography journal is like part one. And that is the past. And I have people write about their past. They can go into a little detail or a lot of detail, but this is the story of me up until the betrayal. And I want you to think about that. What is your story? Up until the betrayal, I was focused on education. I was focused on becoming a lawyer.

Speaker B [00:32:51]:
I was focused on building a career. And then I went into building my family and I got married and I got the dog and the house and the 2.2.5 children. Here is my story up until the betrayal. And then part two is the betrayal story. Okay, what is that story about? I'm gonna write that story. This is what he was doing. This is what I was doing. This is what I didn't know.

Speaker B [00:33:25]:
Write that story. It's horrible. It's the high point of the action. If this was a TV show, this horrific betrayal, this is the drama. This is where really things happen. So that's part two. And then part three is what happens after the betrayal and before I work with people in this six month mentorship because it's. It's deep.

Speaker B [00:33:53]:
We go through this story together and people can tell me part one. And then people love telling part two. And I will say no to working with people if they can't get to part three. I'm like, we've got to wait. I will work with you later. But you have to be ready to start caring about part three again. If you're focused, too focused on only part two, which is the drama of the betrayal, you're not quite ready for this mentorship yet. We can do some other things to help you work through part two, but until you can start caring about your future and so you can, until you can start caring about part three, what happens after? It's not time to go into this really deep six month mentorship.

Speaker B [00:34:49]:
It's time for something else. Let's stay in part two, let's stay in the betrayal and let's work through that. So healing means being able to let go of part two and start transitioning into part three, into the future. Another huge indication of healing is that peace matters more than certainty. I'm going to say that again. Peace matters more than certainty. When you're truly healed, your peace means something to you. And you don't want to disrupt your peace.

Speaker B [00:35:32]:
You care less about being right and you care more about being happy. Your peace really matters. And you know how to bring that sense of peace. You know how to create peace no matter what's going on around you. You know how to regulate, to calm, to engage or disengage and to find that sense of peace. And that matters more than certainty. We're going to be together forever. He's going to do this and I'm going to do that.

Speaker B [00:36:10]:
Let it go. Find that peace. This is a big one. Healing means you stop losing yourself in his healing. Oh, my gosh, that was so hard for me and it's so hard for so many of the people that I work with. We get lost in their healing because we've loved them for a long time. We've known them for a long time. We know where they're messing up.

Speaker B [00:36:41]:
We know what they need to do to fix themselves. We've probably been telling them for years, you got to fix this part of you, dude. And then this bomb goes off and we're like, yes, you can finally get healed. All of those things that I've said in the past, you can finally do it. And you hear, we're going to manage this and you're going to take care of this and you're going to deal with your mother issues and your father issues and your insecurities and your. His healing is his healing. Healing means letting it go. It means staying on your side of the street, keeping your fingers in your own pie.

Speaker B [00:37:19]:
It really means taking care of yourself and Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop interfering with him and his healing again. And I know that's hard. I can feel a lot of you saying, but, Lora, if I don't, then. And I'm just gonna say, I. I getcha. I getcha. I believe that, too.

Speaker B [00:37:46]:
Just breathe and be willing to consider the fact that one day, maybe you will feel more peace by letting go of managing him and his healing and of just attending to your own needs. This is a really big one, too. Healing means that you feel beautiful again. It doesn't mean that you are whatever, size 2 and 6 foot tall and a stunning model strutting down a Runway with flowing hair over your shoulders like, it doesn't mean anything. Like the external standards of beauty. It means you feel beautiful again. It means you can look in the mirror and you can like what you see. It means you can go to the store and you can be like, ooh, I love this new top, or, these shoes are great.

Speaker B [00:38:44]:
It just means connecting with yourself enough to feel. To feel pretty, to feel beautiful, to feel desirable, to feel worthy. Healing also means your body softens that low belly unclenches, your shoulders drop, your breath moves freely. Healing means your body is in a flow state instead of a drive or a tense state. This is one that sometimes gets confusing. Healing means being able to feel grief, being able to express grief, being able to feel rage, being able to express rage without drowning in your own emotions. It truly means being able to sit down and cry when you need to cry, be able to scream in the shower or smash a pillow against a wall. It means being able to have access to those really uncomfortable, difficult emotions, but not drowning in it.

Speaker B [00:40:03]:
Letting yourself feel healthily and then move on. Did you know emotions only last 90 seconds? Anytime an emotion goes past 90 seconds, it means you are regenerating with your thoughts. And yes, most of us regenerate things a few times. And then when we're in that obsessive thought loop, we're regenerating that emotion over and over and over and over again. But honestly, emotions only last 90 seconds. The other day, I was frustrated with Sean because he made a decision on behalf of our son that he didn't tell me about. Was it a big decision? No. Was it a decision I probably would have made, too? Yep.

Speaker B [00:40:55]:
Did I just not appreciate him jumping in and not telling me? No, I didn't appreciate it. I just really wished he would have said, hey, I'm gonna do this. And then I would have said, great. And I stewed about it for a little bit, not Long, maybe three minutes. And then I just picked up the phone and I said, you know what? I don't really appreciate that. Not that you have to run absolutely everything by me, but I just really would have appreciated if you would have told me that you were thinking about doing that or telling me that you did do it. And he was like, oh. And honestly, because I'm being real here, he got a little defensive.

Speaker B [00:41:40]:
Do I need your permission? No, you don't need my permission. And I wanted to engage. I wanted to be a little bit of a butthead. And I said, here's the thing, though. I took a few deep breaths. It doesn't really matter. I'm just letting you know how I feel. And I really want an apology.

Speaker B [00:42:01]:
And he just said, I'm sorry I made that decision without letting you know. And I was like, okay. And it wasn't the most sincere apology in the entire world, and it also wasn't the biggest deal in the entire world. The point was, I said it. I let myself feel a little bit of the anger. I expressed it, and then I received that he was trying to. You know what I mean? It's not like. It's not like this beautiful ha moment.

Speaker B [00:42:37]:
It's just life. But it was so healthy, and it was so healing. And I could be a little irritated and not drown, and he could be a little irritated and not drown. And now he knows how I felt. And then I expressed how I felt, and then we both just moved on. And then everything else has been fine and everything else has been great. And that's what healing looks like, is having access to our emotions, to feeling them, to expressing them, and to move on, which really leads us to become less afraid of our own emotions, less afraid of conflict. Let's afraid of all of those different things.

Speaker B [00:43:18]:
Like, after you've been through this, how can you be afraid of anything? You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, well, I've been through this, and I survived it, so I'm good. If I can manage this, I can manage anything. And I'm not meaning that in a sarcastic way. I'm honestly meaning that in an honest way. I've hit the depths of despair, and I survived. So do I want to do it again? No. But I'm okay. And that's what healing is.

Speaker B [00:43:48]:
That's. I'm not afraid of having a conflict. I'm not afraid of having a difficult conversation. I'm not afraid. Healing means being able to hold all that complexity. I can love you and hate you all at the Same time, I can be incredibly angry and still compassionate. I can stay and respect myself. I can leave and still grieve the marriage.

Speaker B [00:44:18]:
I can do all of those things. I can be hopeful and then feel completely crushed. I can feel so positive that I stayed and really that we're working on it, and then all of a sudden have a moment where I go, oh, my God, I made the worst decision of my life. How did I do this? Being healed means you can hold the complexity of all of that. And I want to name that because I feel like so much of the work that I do with people is around that complexity, around that nuance. Women come to me often saying things like, I just want someone to tell me if I should stay because it's going to work out, or if I should go. And then I want somebody to be able to tell me if I go, if I'm going to be able to find love again, and if I'm too old or too young or finances and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I get that, because don't we just want that perfect crystal ball, that magic wand, that person who can tell us exactly what's going on? But if you go a little bit deeper than that, what they're actually asking for, what they are actually asking for, and it's even deeper than can they trust themselves again? It's, can they stay true to themselves? They're asking if they can stay true to themselves through this.

Speaker B [00:46:09]:
They're asking if they cannot be swayed by everybody else's opinions. And that's the core. That's the sweet spot. And that's really what I do. I help you. I help them regulate the chaos, slow the spiral, and stay connected so you can rebuild from the inside out. Because it's deeper than trusting yourself again. It's so much deeper than that.

Speaker B [00:46:56]:
It's, can I stay true to me? And how hard is that? And most of us have never been taught how to stay true to ourselves. We've been taught how to stay true to a marriage or how to stay true to a job, or how to stay true to our kids or how to stay true to the patriarchy. You know what I mean? Like, all of these things that we support either externally, like in a big, obvious way, or just by staying complicit. There's all these things that we stay true to except ourselves. And it's coming up. It's not coming up for a while yet, but I'm working on a new program that is really designed to help you do this. It's really designed to help you stay true to who you are, despite the noise, despite the judgment, despite anybody else's thoughts or beliefs or wishes or feelings. It's really designed to help you regulate yourself, reevaluate, reconnect, and really stay true to yourself, because I think that's what is underpinning all of this work that I do.

Speaker B [00:48:24]:
How do you stay true to you? And that loops right back around to what I was saying at the very beginning of this episode, which is, will I ever feel like myself again? Which raises the question, who are you? What does it mean to feel like myself? I have to know who myself is. And after betrayal, we go, wow, I have to be different. There are some really amazing parts of me that I'm going to keep, and there are some parts of me that are now wiser, seasoned, more resilient. And how does it feel to be like that? Because it's not about going back. It never was. It's about really stepping into the fullness of who you are. And I said this at the beginning, too. Sometimes it's frustrating because we have such a fanciful picture sometimes of better and healed, and we see these great Instagram stories and we see all this stuff, and we think it's going to be something that it's not.

Speaker B [00:49:52]:
One of my favorite quotes, I don't even know who it is, but it's before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. And that's how it is with betrayal, too. Before betrayal, chop wood, carry water. After betrayal, chop would carry water. But you're stronger. It's the same, yet different. And for me, and for truly, 100% of the people that I've worked with, that new version of who they are is their most authentic, true version of who they are.

Speaker B [00:50:29]:
Healing from betrayal puts you on that elevated path, but in a very real, authentic way, because I am unshakable now. I am unshakable. I will get shaken, and then I'll balance myself out. I'll get lost, but then I'll get found. I'll be swayed. And then I can get myself back on track, Sean. And I can fight and still find loving connection. I can express my truth, and it's okay.

Speaker B [00:51:05]:
And this leads me to the last part that I wanted to talk about, and that is why healing is nonlinear. It's not like. And I'm going to go back to my list. It's not like we go, check, check, check, check. I can sleep through the night. Okay, now check. I'm finding spontaneous moments of Joy, Check. Okay, now I'm going hours without obsessing.

Speaker B [00:51:27]:
Check. Now I'm not wanting to check his phone. It's not like you move from one to the next. It's that these things happen and they integrate and they infiltrate. And then at the end of the day, you suddenly can look back and be like, yeah, I care about peace. I'm really focused about the future and I'm excited. I don't feel the urge to check hardly ever. Mostly I sleep through the night.

Speaker B [00:52:00]:
And you just realize, almost without looking, I became healed. But it's not like every week you make three bars of progress. Sometimes weeks will go by and not much will happen. And then all of a sudden, something shifts into place and it's like, whoa, everything clicked. Anniversaries can be a trigger, either for good or for bad. You will have setbacks, that's going to happen. Grief is going to come out of nowhere. Sudden triggers, things will hit.

Speaker B [00:52:40]:
It's just that healing is that spiral that keeps going higher and higher and it elevates you around and around it. It's not linear. And I think what I want you to know is having a trigger doesn't mean that you're back at the beginning. Having a trash can day doesn't mean that everything that you've done is for naught. Having your partner change their mind about something or having another incident of trickle truth. It doesn't mean that you're back at the beginning. You are still on that continuous upward spiral and things are always getting better because you're moving into this state of this new normal, this new emotional landing place where you know how to regulate yourself, you know how to reevaluate, you know how to find peace and joy and connection. The goal is to be somebody who has lived, earned wisdom, who has discernment, who no longer self abandons, who's got a deep embodiment of their emotions, who can hold competing, complex ideas, who's got stronger boundaries, who is tender and compassionate and loving and also speaks truth clearly, who does not need to sugarcoat being healed means having capacity.

Speaker B [00:54:10]:
And I think that's. That's where I want to wrap this up is when you are healed. It means that one day you're just going to realize not only did an afternoon go by without you thinking about it, but wow, a whole day and then several days and. And then betrayal really becomes part of your story. That's in the past, but it's not the center of your identity. You're living in your future. And betrayal is something that happened in the past and you can talk about it and you can feel it and you can connect with it, but it doesn't become you. My last two things number one oh my goodness.

Speaker B [00:54:56]:
Let's talk introductory session.com for $97 you and I can sit down over Zoom or over the phone and we can talk about you and your story and where you're at and what it means and where you're stuck and where you need accountability and where you need insight and where you need tools. And is it regulation? Is it couples? Is it this? Is it that? We'll figure it out together. Introductory session.com let's figure it out together. Or if you're still totally stuck in that stage too, when you just can't get out of it, I will refer you to BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a group of online trauma aware Trauma informed therapists and because they work with me, because they sponsor this show, you get 10% off a full month of therapy. To get your 10% off, go to betterhelp.com forward/flaunt the name of the show F L A U N T for Trauma Informed Therapy. But truly start here. Start with me right now.

Speaker B [00:56:02]:
Introductory session.com I will help you decide where to go. I can help ascertain where you're at and we can create your healing plan. We can talk about what you need, where you're going to go and really co create a vision for what healed looks like for you and for what it will take for you to feel normal again after betrayal. Have an amazing week and as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.

Speaker A [00:56:45]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love. After Infidelity or Betrayal With Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.