Don't Let Their Affair Cost You Twice How to Avoid the Legal, Emotional, and Practical Mistakes That Can Come Back to Bite You

Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide. Dot foreign let's talk about what happens after the affair. And by that I mean after you find out about the affair. Because something that is so true, and that I don't think a lot of people talk about, is the way that our reaction, our behavior, can sometimes cost us more, can sometimes cause us more damage.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:05]:
And what I want to talk about today is how not to let the affair cost you twice. How to avoid legal, emotional, and practical mistakes that can come back to bite you after the affair. Because let me tell you, I know this personally and, and from so many of the women that I have worked with as well as the couples, there is nothing more frustrating than finding out something that you have done that you really felt like you were entitled to have that reaction, and you were. But then it's suddenly being used against you. And sometimes the decisions that we make in the days, the weeks, the. The months after discovery truly do create a second wave of damage that can be just as painful and just as long lasting as the initial disclosure. Okay, the truth is, finding out that you have been betrayed puts you in survival mode. And survival mode makes smart people do increasingly dumb things.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:23]:
Not because you're dumb, but because you're in survival mode. You have been disconnected from the prefrontal cortex, the rational, reasonable thinking portion of your brain. And you are back in the survival portion of your brain. And you are making. You're not really even making decisions. You are reacting to, to what's in front of you. This is because your brain wants certainty. Your brain wants to tie this up and move on.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:55]:
Your brain wants justice, Your brain wants answers. And your brain truly does want control of the situation immediately. Because your brain wants you to be out of pain. Your brain wants you to be out of pain. I mean, honestly, how could it not your brain who wants you out of pain? And it makes sense, of course, your brain wants you out of pain. You know, nobody wants to stay in pain longer than they possibly can. But the problem is, this is a longer term problem. Recovering from betrayal takes time.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:41]:
It takes more time than anybody cares to admit. And that's exactly why. And when people start making decisions that they later regret because they're tired of it and they want to move on, or they have a partner or friends or family saying things like, are you ever going to move on? Are you ever going to get over this? When is this going to be enough? And then you're like, I don't know. When's it going to be enough? I'm just going to make decisions that make it seem like it's over. So today, I want to help you avoid that trap of making decisions or taking actions now that you will later regret. Because honestly, I want to be clear about this. Your first job after finding out about betrayal, your first job is not making big decisions. It's not deciding whether to stay or go.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:38]:
It's not deciding whether to sell the house. It's not deciding any of those things. Honestly, your first job is protecting yourself and your future from decisions that you were making in a shocked, terrified, traumatized state. So your first job is to protect you from yourself. Ouch. I know, right? As you know, I'm a dual licensed lawyer. And during our conversation today, during our time together, when we coach, I am not giving you legal advice. I.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:27]:
I am not representing you. I am not telling you what is best in your particular situation. But what I am doing is I'm educating you. I'm educating you about what the law might say, how an action or a thought or a behavior or something would be interpreted, could be interpreted, could be used against you. And I want you to know first, laws vary by state. Every state is different. So if you've got a specific situation, please consult a licensed attorney in your jurisdiction before making any major legal decisions. So let's talk about some of those mistakes.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:20]:
Mistake number one, Stalking. Stalking the affair partner. Stalking your affair partner's husband. Stalking your partner. Tracking. Investigating. Beyond legal limits. This can include driving by somebody's house or place of business, following people, seeing somebody at the grocery store and following them around.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:47]:
This is a big one, too. Installing tracking devices, being, be careful with that. Logging into somebody's accounts because you've found the password or because you've been able to break in because it's the same password that you use for your joint stuff. Reading somebody's emails, again, using passwords that you happen to know in order to just go investigate. Checking phone records. Trying to access information that is not legally yours to access. You might think you're gathering information, and you are. And of course you want to find proof, right? Like, of course you want to Find this.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:34]:
You wanna. Sometimes you want to just trap your partner, like, not going to lie. Sometimes that's what you want to do, but other times you're doing it from a place of honesty, not from really a place of maliciousness. Because I want to know. I want to know all the details, and I deserve to know all these details. And if my partner has not told me all of these different things, I deserve to find out. And this is what I'm going to do. And all I'm going to say on that is make sure you know what is legal and what is not legal.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:09]:
Again, different states have different laws. Sometimes you can record somebody, sometimes you can't record somebody. Consult an attorney in your jurisdiction. And again, what I hear you saying and what I said, because, oh, I searched. Oh, I dug like, I did all of that, too. Your brain will say, I deserve it. Your brain will say, I am entitled to this because what they put me through. But what I want you to know is that's not a legal defense.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:50]:
And if you are truly in a situation where you are accessing somebody else's information and breaking into things, you're the one that's going to end up in trouble. And I know you're going to say, but I wouldn't have done this if I wouldn't have done it. Except I wouldn't have done it, but. And that's not a legal defense. So again, clarity. The key point here is clarity. Is what you are doing, legal or not? Is this an obsession? Are you just obsessing over something because you're not getting answers? Is this revenge? Are you seeking revenge on the affair partner, on your partner? Your job is not to become a private investigator. And I want you to be very careful and very cautious.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:48]:
On the one hand, yes, gather the information you need to gather to protect yourself. On the other hand, make sure you know what you are legal, legally entitled to do and not entitled to do. Mistake number two is threatening the affair partner. That can include threatening her physically, emotionally, saying, I'm going to tell your husband, I'm going to tell your kids, I'm going to go to your place of employment and tell them. This includes text messages, voicemails, emails, threats, demands. You have to stop doing this or else. You have to do this or I will expose you publicly. Here's the thing to be mindful of with all of that, too.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:36]:
Anything that you say can become evidence. Anything that you text or write can become evidence. In this day or age, I honestly want you to assume that everything that you say or write is being recorded. And I want you to think about what it would sound like if somebody who you didn't want to read it was reading it. Because again, I know we get keyed up. I know we get fired up. I know we just think, I am in the right. I am exposing you because it's the right thing to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:20]:
I'm exposing you because you were a horrible person with horrible ethics and horrible morals. And I am exposing you because your partner deserves to know the truth and your kids deserve to know the truth. I mean, honestly, I had fantasies of going to this one affair partner who had young kids and, like, going to the school so I could confront her and her kids. That's my revenge fantasy. That needs to stay a revenge fantasy. Had I truly gone to the school and confronted her and her kids, it would have created huge legal issues for me. And suddenly I'm the crazy one. You know what I'm saying? It has to be that balance.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:06]:
What can you think fantasize about doing? But then what do you know better not to do? What do you fantasize about doing? And what do you truly know better not to do? Not because you're the bigger person. Not because, but just practically. Because you don't want to create legal issues for yourself, because you suddenly do not want to be the one charged with harassment or libel or slander or like, anything like that. You don't want to be the one getting in trouble. Why you might be saying, I don't really care. I don't really care. I'm. I'm willing to get in trouble because I've got to expose this.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:50]:
Okay, I get that, too. There were times where I'd be like, I'm willing to do it because people will see my side and at least everybody's going to know the truth. Right? Okay, think a little bit later, a little bit deeper than that. How can this impact your kids? Could this impact custody? How is this going to impact relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins? What happens if you end up reconciling and now your partner's extended family all hates you? Not only hates you, maybe they're in illegal action against you. So many people I know you know this also don't want to get involved. So when you force yourself upon people, like, if you actually do go to a place of employment or a school or something like that, you're forcing people to get involved. And instead of joining, locking arms with you, joining hands with you, saying, oh, my gosh, you're right, this was horrible. What they're more than likely going to do is reject and ostracize you.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:59]:
You're the crazy one. You're the crazy one. And as unfair as that is, in our society, we do have a stereotype of the crazy woman. The spurned lover, the crazy woman. And once a woman is hysterical, nobody quite believes her or trusts her, even when, especially when that hysteria is justified. You know what I'm saying? You know it too, and it sucks. But it's just the truth. You don't want to be the hysterical one.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:39]:
Also, police will come. Police reports will be made against you. And I have met, not met. I have dealt with several situations where the betrayed partner, the wife who has just had her world turned upside down and is who and who is going postal legitimately and for good reason. Her husband ends up calling the police and she is the one to go to jail. Did you know again, in many states, might be different in your state, but in many states, when the police are called for a domestic violence incident, one person has to go to jail, One person has to be removed from the home in many jurisdictions. Guess who that person usually is? The hysterical person. Guess who this hysterical person usually is? The one who's been victimized.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:43]:
Yeah. Totally unfair. That was one thing that I learned when I was doing my training to be a guardian ad litem and to work in domestic violence and abuse cases. The person who was calm and logical and rational and reasonable oftentimes is the one who perpetrated. They're the one who is abusive or violent. They've set the other person off. So the other person is legit going crazy. But then that crazy person is the one who is the most immediate danger.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:15]:
So the police will take that person. I know. Not fair, but very important to be aware of now than sitting in jail cell all of a sudden having a record in. And the only thing that you are guilty of truly is having a normal response, a normal reaction to finding out that you've been betrayed. This leads right into mistake number three. And that's going nuclear on social media, naming names, sharing pictures. This is the my husband's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is blah, blah, blah.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:56]:
Don't we want to do that? Yeah, we do. Don't do that. Same thing about posting screenshots, tagging employers, any kind of public humiliation campaign. And again, even when it's true, even when you're hurt, even when you're justified, because you are, you are justified. But it doesn't matter. Ask yourself, will these actions right now help me? Six months from now, or is this something that I am doing that will help me feel better in the next six minutes, and that is oftentimes enough to stop you. I say this to my private clients a lot, too. Write the letter.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:46]:
Don't send it. Write the email. Email. Just make sure the you know who it goes to. Line is blank. Do all the things that you want to do in your own little world, in your mind, in your home, on paper. Burn it, get. Get rid of it.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:06]:
Have all those conversations in your head. That's actually one of the, I think, most beneficial therapeutic things that I do. I am a clinical hypnotherapist, and oftentimes I will work with people and they will have the conversation in a state of hypnosis, and the other person will answer. And they can have that dialogue, they can have that back and forth. And the brain doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. And when you're in a state of hypnosis especially, the brain creates those loops and closes them. It's like when you dream you're slipping on ice and your body goes woo. And it jerks.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:51]:
The brain doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. So in a hypnotic state, I guide my clients through these conversations and they can have them and they can say them and they can point them out and they can show people. And then in that hypnotic state, that person responds. And then the mind calms down because it's resolved. I did the thing and I got the response that I wanted because that's the other piece in reality, in real life, spoiler alert. You're not going to get the response that you want, ever. I have never met somebody who has talked to the affair partner and gotten the kind of closure that they think. I have never talk to somebody who has reached out and had this conversation and it's gone the way they think.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:45]:
Myself included. When I reached out to the affair partners, it did not go the way that I thought it was going to go. It was not helpful. It was much more helpful for me to do that in a hypnotic state so I could get the closure and so I could find the peace instead of creating new injuries by new really weird interactions where people were just defensive and sharing their side of the story. And it brought more chaos and pain than I ever thought. Okay, back to our mistakes. Mistake number four, and this is a big one. Destroying property, throwing clothes, moving somebody's stuff to the front lawn, breaking phones, burning belongings, smashing laptops, smattering dishes, pictures.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:39]:
Like, people joke about this. Family courts don't think that's funny. If you have been so volatile that you have literally thrown every dish out of the cupboard at your spouse, that you have gone through and smashed everything, you are now seen as a violent, volatile, risky person. And again, I know it can be funny. I know it can be jokey, like, yeah, smash this stuff. Get it out of here if you're going to do that. Because I think there's constructive ways to get rage out, and I'll say a few of those in a moment. If you're going to do that, make sure it's in a safe.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:24]:
A safe way. I was almost going to say safe and justified way. I mean, more a safe and intentional way. There was a set of drink glasses that one of Sean's affair partners had gotten him. I wanted to hurl them at his head. I did not for a variety of reasons, but again, that was my desire. I refrained from that violent desire because I know the consequences that would create. And we're not going to go there.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:54]:
What I did do, however, was schedule a time with Shawn where we got those little plastic glasses, I got my hammer, we put things out on an old sheet outside of a trash can, and I smashed the living heck out of those glasses. It was intentional. I knew what I was doing. I made myself safe. I made him safe. It was an intentional, therapeutic way to. To smash things versus raging through the house and destroying everything. Mistake number five.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:30]:
And this is a huge one. A huge one. Emptying accounts, like checking accounts, bank accounts, moving your money around, draining savings, like taking out mass amounts of cash because you're scared. Again, do you need to protect yourself? Yes. Do you need access to cash? Yes. Do you need some cash on hand? Yes. Do you need a credit card in your own name that you can access in case your partner does the same? Yes. Like, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:03]:
And yes. If you have joint things, joint accounts, you are entitled to take everything legally, and yet you're not entitled to take everything legally. You know what I'm saying? Like, legally, if you and your partner are both on a bank account, either each of you have full access to that money. However, if you go in and you drain every single joint account, suddenly you are the jerk. And suddenly family courts are going to see you as a threat. So take care of yourself and don't start moving money around. Don't start draining savings if you want to make sure that your portion is protected. Again, there are so many ways that you can do this.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:54]:
Checking with a lawyer in your jurisdiction to make sure you are Complying with local regulations and laws. Yes. But by example, if you have a letter, if you have an email and you send it to your partner and you can say, I am feeling very threatened and very concerned and very stressed. Therefore, I am going to take 50% of this joint account. Not because I'm stealing it from you or hiding it from you, but because I feel threatened. Bam. At least suddenly you don't look like you are unilaterally moving money around and locking them out of something. Before touching your money.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:34]:
Please get some advice. Please get some advice. Consider writing down what you are doing and why so nobody can use those actions against you. Because even if in your head, in your head, if you were thinking, this totally makes sense, I am afraid and I need to protect myself and you're thinking this in your head, I'm only going to take 50% because these are joint. Your partner doesn't know what you're doing. Perhaps there's some bills that are coming up. Perhaps they're like, you just don't know. So don't assume anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:12]:
Please have good intent. Please get advice before touching money. Also, depending on what kinds of accounts, if you're draining retirement accounts, if you're moving some other things around, you could end up with tax consequences that are big, really big tax consequences. And I'm sorry, but the IRS doesn't care. Investment advisors don't care. Like people don't care that I made a mistake because I was mad. You will still have to pay the tax. You will still have to pay the fees.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:48]:
So make sure you know what you're doing and get advice before you do anything. Okay, mistake number six, again, leaving the marital home without advice. This, this too is incredibly state specific. But again, before just moving out, please have a conversation with an attorney. Understand your rights, understand the potential consequences. Don't make permanent decisions during a temporary emotional crisis. And I know it might not feel like this is temporary, but it's temporary. Do not make personal decisions during a temporary emotional crisis.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:38]:
And that can also include signing a long term lease. If you're like, I'm out of here and I sign a lease. I just had this happen with my son, actually. He signed a year long lease and then he got a job in a different state so he had to break the lease. Do you know what it cost him to break that lease? I am not joking. $10,000. Yes, they're giving him a payment plan, but it cost him $10,000 to get out of this lease. So slow down.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:12]:
Make sure you know what you're doing and why and then make decisions that you are not going to regret later. Make decisions where the long term consequences are in your favor. Okay, mistake number seven, recording conversations. And we touched on this a little bit earlier, recording laws vary dramatically. Some states only require one party's consent, which is kind of funny because obviously if you're recording, you have consent. But in some states that's enough. But in other states, they require all parties to consent. What I want you to think, however, though, this is not only you and your behavior, but it's your partner and their behavior.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:01]:
All of those tracking and investigative behaviors that we talked about assume they're being used against you too. Assume that everything that you are saying or writing or doing is, is being recorded and will be used against you in the worst possible light. So if you assume you're being recorded, if you assume every text is being screenshotted, if you're assuming every email will one day be read aloud, it can help you behave accordingly. And again, I'm not saying stuff your feelings down or don't do them. Just be careful in your wording. I mean, even some of the things that I have said in this show, I want you to hear the conscious choice of the caveats. I felt like smashing the glass against his head and I also knew I would never do that. I felt like exposing the other people and going to their school and saying everything to their kids.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:04]:
And I know I would never do that. It's the same thing that you can say in emails. I am so angry, I am so hurt. I am so scared. I am so frustrated. I feel like doing this. And please also know that's not who I am and that's not what I would do. And I expect the same behavior from you.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:24]:
I feel like doing this, but I know I'm in a temporarily stressed out state, so I'm not going to make any permanent decisions. Yes, you can vent, yes, you can say what you want to say. Yes, you can do all of that. Just make sure you are also restraining yourself. I mean, there is such a fine line between I hate you, I want to hurt you, I want to hurt myself, and actually doing that. And if you are in a state where you honestly feel like you are going to hurt somebody else or you are going to hurt yourself, please call 911 immediately. Please get the help that you need because it makes sense that you might be that desperate in that much pain. It makes sense.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:24]:
Again, I have worked with many people who get to that place where they realize they are not safe and we get them the help and we pause all of this and we get intervention and we make them safe and we get the medication. And that's what I want for you. Your life, the life of others, your health, your safety, your well being, your is truly more important than anything else. And if you were honestly losing control, there is help available. Not only is there 91 1, there's all the different mental health options in every different state. You can get the help that you need. Please get it. Please get it.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:12]:
There's no shame in being that desperate. There is no shame in feeling that broke. There is no shame in all of a sudden realizing I can't control my thoughts and I can't control my actions. There is no shame in that. Let me tell you a little story. I live near a high school, and just recently, a girl went to the counseling office and she opened her backpack and she had a butcher knife from her kitchen. And she told the counselors I had to come turn myself in because I showed up at school with the intention of stabbing one of my teachers because I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:53]:
I'm so. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The response is making me cry, but the response was so powerful. Thank you. Good. We can help you. This is what we want others to do. There is no shame in doing what you did.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:10]:
You turned yourself in and you're getting help. That's what I want for you. No matter what state you're at, if you realize you need help, get help. We can deal with the rest later. Okay, Ready for the last mistake? Last mistake. Mistake number eight, using your children as investigators. I don't care if they're little. I don't care if they're adults.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:39]:
This is one of the most damaging mistakes that we make. Did your father go somewhere? Who is he texting? What was going on with that? Tell me what happened. Your kids at any ages are not detectives. They are not witnesses. They are not evidence gatherers. Especially if they're young, they deserve to stay kids. And if they're older, they deserve to stay out of your relationship. They do not need to know all of those things.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:08]:
So do not use your kids as investigators. Okay? We went through the big mistakes legally, that I don't want you to make, because if you do make those mistakes, chances are high you will create problems for yourself. And now I want to transition a bit because here's the thing. Many people think those big mistakes after betrayal are legal mistakes. And a lot of them are. And like, don't get me wrong, but it's not just that. We also can make nervous system mistakes. And that's why I want to move into this part of the show, which is about emotional safety.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:52]:
We've talked about the physical safety, the legal safety, the financial safety, all of that. Now let's talk about emotional safety and the mistakes that we make emotionally that keep us stuck, that keep us dysregulated, that keep us in that place of like, no, I can't move forward. I can't move forward because, okay, let's just keep counting them like I did. Eight legal. So number nine, making life changing decisions while dysregulated. Filing for divorce immediately, moving immediately, selling the house, quitting the job, starting a new relationship, Revenge cheating. Like, don't make decisions while your nervous system is in survival mode. I often tell my people, can you give it a year? Like, if it is at all possible to give it a year, please give it a year.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:50]:
You do not need immediate certainty. You need regulation. You do not need certainty, you need regulation. Nothing is going to be certain for a while. Trickle truth is real. You think you know the whole story now. Maybe you do, but chances are high you don't. You think this is where you're going, this is the direction you think chances are high that it's going to pivot.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:19]:
You need to regulate yourself first. And when you learn how to regulate yourself and you find out more or other things happen, at least you can regulate yourself. So do not make huge decisions. Try not to make any decisions while you are in full blown survival mode. Or again, chances are high, you're going to regret those. Now. Mistake number 10, this is similar. That is telling everybody.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:50]:
Your mom, your dad, your best friend, co workers, neighbors, everybody at church, blasting it on social media. Like, choose carefully. You might want to tell everybody, you might need to tell everybody, but not everybody needs like front row seats to the entire show. You know what I mean? Everybody. Not everybody. Most people in your life will find out at some point, in some way. How can you share this information as thoughtfully, not necessarily as delicately, but as thoughtfully as possible? Because people can't unknow things. And there are those people in life who will form instant judgments and you can never dissuade them.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:45]:
You know what I'm saying? Like, there are people who it's one and done and they will bring negativity and chaos into your life. They will bring judgment and pain into your life. There are people who will emotionally manipulate and sway without intending to, but just based on who they are. And people can't unknow. So don't necessarily go out and tell everybody just for the sake of telling everybody. And by the same token, don't keep this a total secret from everybody. You need to get the support that you need, but in a thoughtful way. Going back to talking about kids again at whatever the age they are, mistake number 11 is making your kids your therapist.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:35]:
Yes. Kids are very intuitive. They need to know truth, but they don't need the whole truth and all the gory details. You know what I mean? Like, they need reassurance. They don't need evidence. They need to feel safe. And feeling safe? Yes. Mom's going through this, Dad's going through this.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:01]:
This is what's going on is different than trying to triangulate and get your kids on your side. They also don't need to become emotional caretakers, either of you or your partner. They need to live their own lives. And you. Yes. Can they be kind to you? Yes. Yes, yes. But they don't need to be the ones taking care of you.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:30]:
And the thing is, kids will try. You know what I mean? They will recognize. Kids recognize when their parents are in pain and they do like doing sweet things and they can be very kind and loving and helpful and they might step up, but just make sure it's kind of from their own volition and that you express your appreciation in a healthy way and that doesn't become. You have to do this for me. I can no longer be cooking, so it's on you now. You know what I'm saying? It still needs to be the role of the parent and the child. And the parent is still, quote above the child responsible for the child. Again, no matter what the kids ages are.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:13]:
Yes, kids can support, but make sure you're not turning it into their responsibility and you're not parentifying your. Your children. Okay, this is a big one. Mistake number 12, obsessively investigating everything about your partner. This creates the spiral. Will you have a spiral? Yes. One of my programs is called Stop the Spiral because it takes energy to stop that spiral. But what people sometimes don't tell you is you can also create that spiral.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:53]:
Every time you check, every time you search, every time you track, every time you monitor, every time you research, every time you start looking for more answers, every time you think there's just one more clue, there's just one more answer. If I just find out this one more thing, if I get this one more piece of information, if I can just hear this one thing, you perpetuate that cycle. Because sometimes sure, sometimes it is that one more piece of information or that one more answer, but nine times out of 10, it's not. It's just not. Because safety truly does not come from, like another screenshot. Safety does not come from that conversation, that answer, where your partner is perfectly able to communicate in the exact way you want to hear it. Safety comes from rebuilding trust in yourself. And I want to say a tiny bit more about safety doesn't come from hearing things the way you want your partner to say it.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:58]:
This is kind of a joke, but also not really. I feel like 9 times out of 10, 8 times out of 10, a pretty high number. I will ask Sean for something and I have already created the response in my head the way I want to hear it. And like that, eight or nine times out of 10, he does not get that response. It's not that it's a bad response, but like, my brain thinks in what rom com language? My brain thinks in movie language. My brain thinks in fairy tale language. Like, I don't know how my brain does this, but if we have an issue with something, my brain will be like, oh, what he's going to do is take my hands and look deep into my eyes and say, oh, my sweet Lora, I am so sorry you feel felt that way. And how this is was my intention and I really didn't intend that, but I can see how you felt that way and it makes perfect sense.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:59]:
And I'm so sorry. From now on, this is what I understand and I value you. And you know what I'm saying. He doesn't talk that way. And it's not that, oh my God, he doesn't meet my needs. It's that this is how he talks, and this is how I talk. And he talks like a guy and I talk like a girl. And I know that's stereotypical, but it's also true.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:26]:
So there are times where I will say to him, my feelings got hurt. And what I really want you to say is, or I'm feeling really stressed and anxious about this. And what I really need to hear is. And it's kind of funny because it's not that I am feeding him the right answer. It's that I'm telling him this is what's going on inside my head. And inside my head, this is how it sounds to make. To make me feel better. And then he can kind of say those things in his own words.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:03]:
And sometimes again, it's. It's a joke, but it's healthy. He'll be like, what am I supposed to say again? And then he'll parrot it back. But then after that, you know, we'll be laughing because it is kind of funny. And he'll put in the dramatic pauses and things. But then after that, he'll say, truly, though, I'm really sorry. That sucks. And it's like, yeah, I know.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:25]:
Thanks. But it's that recognition of what I need him to say and how I need him to say it is not real. I think we could do a whole show on that. Because it's my guess that what you need your partner to say, they're not going to say. Not because it's not true, but because that's not their language. You know how some people are just really flowery and I love you, and some people are just really stoic. We all have our own way of speaking. We all have our own way of communicating, and usually we don't communicate the same.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:06]:
And when you're grilling your husband, when you're grilling your partner and they're giving your your answers and you're thinking, I bet that their answer truly is meeting your needs underneath. It's just that the words that they're saying aren't connecting with you. Does that make sense? Yeah. So that's what I want you to think about when you think about, like, this obsessive investigation. How can I trust myself more? How can I find that acceptance that he's never going to say exactly what I want him to say, but I can use my discernment to find out if the message underneath is the same and then makes peace with myself. Okay, mistake number 13. And again, this is kind of a really big one that I see over and over. It's becoming.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:11]:
It's becoming his recovery manager. Okay? It's becoming his recovery manager and managing his recovery. And it's interesting because this is on the heels of me saying, sometimes I tell my husband, this is what I want you to hear, but I will explain. Or this is what I want to hear from you, but I'll explain why that's different. Okay. Big mistake is women becoming the accountability officer, the therapist, the recovery coach, the monitor, the. I will manage your therapy. I will set up your appointments.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:45]:
I will find this program for you. I will help you stay accountable. Oh, my God, this is so hard. This is so hard. To this day, I want to manage everybody's everything because I have spent so many years in life, at work and at home, managing things for people, and it's just become my default role. I'm the one who Manages things. Do not manage your partner's recovery. Do not make his appointments.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:12]:
I mean, it's different if you are managing couples appointments and you have the busier schedule and it's just easier for you to make an appointment. Yes. And make sure he is making some of them. Make sure he is giving you input. Make sure he is reminding you. Make sure he is doing his own work, making his own appointments, choosing his own books to read, initiating conversations with you so you do not always become the one bringing it up and pushing it and managing it because that takes the focus off of you and it lets him off the hook. So many women say, I don't want to heal because I don't want him off the hook. I don't want to be happy because I don't want him to feel like it's just over and it's not that big of a deal.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:03]:
And yet still they will manage his recovery. That makes no sense. Let him manage his own recovery. That's where you're letting him off the hook. If you do the heavy lifting, you've let him off the hook. It also takes your energy and your time and your focus away from you. You are the one who were wounded here. You are the one who was damaged.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:28]:
You are the one who is victimized. 100% of your energy and time and focus should be on you. And let him manage his own darn recovery. And here's a big one. If he's not interested enough to do that. Wow, that's a big clue, right? That's a big clue that he might not be as into this as you think. He might. Might not be as accountable as you think.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:58]:
Now I get early on shame state they're going to want to hide. Focus on you. Let them do their own work and do not be cut his manager. Do not take on the healing yourself. Okay, big twist here. Oh, no. I was gonna say something. What was I gonna say? Oh, about the healing.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:28]:
Don't taking on his healing and then also like feeding somebody lines, quote, so to speak. It's a different level of communication. If I am managing my husband's communication and I'm telling him what I wanna say and he's parroting it back. There's no deepness and there's no accountability. So not good. So not good. It's a different vibe when I'm saying this is how my girlfriends and I talk and this is how what I need to hear from you. It's a different vibe.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:00]:
It's a different level of accountability. It's a Nuance, you know what I mean? Like when you can say the. This is the kind of words and the kind of commitment and these are the kinds of things that I want. And then your part partner expands on that and leans into it and hears that as feedback and integrates it into who he really is. Whoa, that's growth. And same thing for you. How can you hear him and how can you integrate what he's saying into who you are? So you each blend and grow and become and get closer. That is the depth and the deepening of a relationship versus.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:47]:
I'm going to manage this. You are going to do this. You need to say this. And not having that real emotional growth. So I hope that makes sense. And if you've got questions about that, shoot me an email. You know where to find me. Lora cheadle.com if you want a session with you and your partner or with you introductory session.com will figure it all out.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:14]:
But it is important to always ask yourself, am, are we growing together or am I just managing more and more? Because if we're growing and we're communicating, a plus. If I'm just managing more and more and he's doing less and less, not so great. Okay, now I'm going to move into this whole big twist thing at the end because this is what I want you to remember. This is what I want you to hear. The biggest mistake isn't making all those legal mistakes. Threatening, stalking, posturing, recording, tracking, even making a bad decision. Like. Like with my son with his $10,000 lease breaking fee.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:02]:
It's a bad decision. He'll recover. It's not going to stop our life. The biggest mistake is abandoning yourself while trying to figure out what they're doing. The biggest mistake is abandoning yourself while trying to figure out what they're doing. Yes. Get some information. Yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:23]:
Protect yourself. Yes. Dig a little bit. But do it in a way where you center you. Do it in a way where you are regulating you, where you can take care. It's. If you're spending every moment obsessing, those moments are not being spent rebuilding you. And that's where that healing begins.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:44]:
Where suddenly you start spending more time on yourself than on managing them. And that's that twist. That's what I want you to hear. It's not about all these mistakes. We went through all these mistakes. It's about you. If you're listening right now and you're thinking, okay, this is me. I'm spiraling.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:07]:
I know I'm spiraling. I can't stop I'm obsessing. I'm tracking my nervous system. I get it, it's craving safety. But I'm not safe. I'm really shattered. This is bringing up all of my childhood crap. That's why I'm here.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:22]:
That's why I do this coaching work, because I went through that too and I couldn't find the resources that I need to get help. Sometimes what you need isn't just another podcast episode. It's not just another thought based thing. It's sitting down with somebody one on one to help you regulate, to call you out on some of these things to help you see where you know what I am, abandoning myself to help you figure out your next step. And if that's where you're at, start with the introductory session. Introductory session dot com. It's only $97. It's totally safe.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:01]:
It is. So you, you'll walk away feeling good. It's not like sometimes when you walk away from a therapy session and you're like, God, I feel worse. You'll feel better. So whether you're trying to decide to stay or go, whether you've already made a decision, whether you just found out or you found out 110 years ago when you're still struggling with it, help is available. I am here. Introductory session dot com. And in closing, just remember, your first job after betrayal isn't fixing him, is not deciding whether to stay or go.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:39]:
It's not punishing anybody else. Your first job is protecting you, your future self, from the decisions that you are making in a shock to terrified, a traumatized present state. It's not weakness, it's wisdom. And that wisdom keeps you from letting this affair cost you twice and then cost you in many unnecessary ways. So have an incredible week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are. Because who you are is always more than enough. This podcast is sponsored by Better Help.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:23]:
Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband's infidelity, I was so devastated I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn't shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt not all the time. And for the first month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you're having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can't focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:03]:
There's a broad range of Expertise in better help 20,000 therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs and then you'll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus you can exchange unlimited messages. And everything you share is completely confidential. I know the confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn't even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:53]:
Join the 2 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health mental health with an experienced Better Help therapist. Special offer to flaunt Create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners, you get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com flaunt that's better help. H E L P.com flaunt F L A U N T thanks again to Better Help for sponsoring this podcast. Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.