The Moment Everything Breaks: Why Betrayal Isn’t the End of Your Story

Woman on phone looking stressed with hand to her face

The moment you find out—the text, the confession, the lie collapsing in real time—can feel like the defining moment of your life.
The shattering. The before and after.
But what if that moment isn’t your identity… and it’s not your story?
What if it’s a threshold—where illusion collapses so you can finally choose truth, agency, and who you become next?

In this episode, Lora Cheadle reframes discovery day (D-Day) as a threshold moment—not the event that defines you, but the doorway that returns you to truth. Betrayal is destabilizing, painful, and deeply disorienting, yet it also reveals what you could not previously see: where you’ve been living inside an illusion, what’s real now, and what you’re no longer willing to tolerate.

Through personal storytelling and grounded reflection, Lora shares how healing isn’t a single breakthrough—it’s the life you rebuild through truth, boundaries, discernment, and conscious choice. This episode will help you stabilize after the shattering, re-anchor in your body, and begin seeing what’s possible beyond survival.

 

Top 3 Takeaways

  1. The shattering isn’t the story—it’s the doorway.
    Discovery day is the moment you can no longer live inside an illusion. It hurts deeply—but it’s also the moment truth becomes available and choice becomes possible.
  2. You can choose again—at any point.
    Your first response doesn’t have to be your forever identity. Healing happens through repeated, conscious choices as your agency returns step by step.
  3. Real safety comes from truth, not hope.
    Betrayal collapses illusions about who your partner is, what they’re capable of, and what you’ve been carrying. Discernment begins when you clearly see reality and decide what you are—and are not—willing to live with.

Favorite Quote

“It’s not the moment that breaks that matters. It’s what you do after the shattering—again and again—that becomes your story.”

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I'm Lora Cheadle

I’m Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt—a betrayal recovery expert, attorney, TEDx speaker, and author of FLAUNT! and It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal. After uncovering my husband’s 15-year affair, I turned my own pain into purpose, helping high-achieving women reclaim their identity, power, and joy. As a trauma-aware coach and somatic therapist, I blend legal clarity with emotional and spiritual healing to guide women toward full-spectrum recovery.

Lora's Books

Flaunt! by Lora Cheadle
It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP & Thrive

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Get the Transcript

  • Lora Cheadle [00:00:12]: Test. Test. We call it the shattering. That moment where everything breaks, where you find out your partner has been unfaithful and your entire life, your entire relationship, everything that you worked so hard to create, is not what you thought it was. But here’s the truth that nobody tells you. That moment is not your story. Just because your partner cheated on you does not make you the betrayed wife forevermore. Infidelity is not going to be your story. Lora Cheadle [00:00:56]: It’s not going to be your identity. Because it’s not the shattering that matters. It’s what you do after that shattering. That shattering, that breaking point is your fork in the road. It’s a doorway. It’s a threshold. It’s the moment when where illusion has completely collapsed and the truth has finally been revealed. Not to punish you, not so you can suffer, not because you did anything wrong, but so you can choose, so you can finally be in the truth, know the truth, and consciously choose how to move forward. Lora Cheadle [00:01:58]: Yes, your identity has broken in service of you either reclaiming the most authentic sense of self that you slowly let go of along the way, or in service of you finally coming back home to yourself and rebuilding your identity as it should have been all along. The breaking, the shattering, that gutting, not your story, it is your threshold. And what direction your life takes next is up to you. If you’re listening to this and thinking, yes and no, that’s exactly where I’m at, and I get it, but oh my gosh, I am sucked down by this because this is who I was and this is who I am. And you have no idea how long I have worked for this and what I have sacrificed to build this. And all of a sudden, I find out that it’s not true. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want you to do two things. Lora Cheadle [00:03:22]: First, I want you to take a breath and move out of your head, out of all those stories, all of those justifications, all of that noise that is in your head. And I want you to just take a breath and move into your body. You can go into your head later on if you want, but right now, drop into your body and just breathe. Because today’s show is all about reorienting you after infidelity or betrayal. Today’s show is all about anchoring you, stabilizing you, and helping you see clearly what this moment of time is and what this moment of time is not. Before we move on, I want to remind you to be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss an episode. And if it has been helpful to you. Would you please consider leaving a review so other people who were in your boat, who have been where you and I are at, will know that this is a safe place for them, and they, too, can get the help that they need. Lora Cheadle [00:04:55]: All right, I am recording this podcast in January of 2026, and what I want to do before we get into this show is lay out the structure of this year a little bit. Yes, I’ve got some amazing guests. I’ve got some amazing things coming up for you, but I also have a very clear structure that I want to take you through this year. The first quarter of this year, I want to do a lot of talk about thresholds. The threshold is that moment of choice where what we choose radically changes the trajectory of our life. And we’re going to talk about thresholds in all sorts of ways because it’s powerful, It’s. It’s palpable. I mean, even when you think about the cheater, there’s that moment where they actually make the decision whether to cheat or not. Lora Cheadle [00:06:01]: And once they make that decision, everything shifts, and it’s a serious, significant decision that impacts so many people. And that is the threshold moment. And the thing is, you have threshold moments, too. But when you are in, when you’re on the receiving end of infidelity or betrayal, sometimes it’s hard to see those threshold moments because we are so off balance, because we are struggling, because we’re trying to rebuild our sense of self, and we’re trying to grapple with so many different questions and make so many different decisions. We sometimes are not able to pull back and see the bigger picture and see the significance of the choices and the behaviors and the thoughts that we are thinking early on. So that’s why I want to spend this whole first quarter really taking a deep dive into those threshold moments. What they are, what they mean, and most importantly, how you can make the best of them. Not only so you can capitalize on them for the future, to actually create a life that you are proud of, that you feel safe in, that you actually love, but also so you don’t have regret. Lora Cheadle [00:07:30]: Regret is one of those things that. Well, I personally hate feeling. Feeling a regret. But it’s something that so many of the women that I coach will talk about. They’re like, I really don’t want to regret this. I want to make a decision that I feel confident with because I don’t want to wake up in 10 years and regret staying because he cheated again. Or, I don’t want to Just leave and ruin my family. And then again, 10, 15 years down the road, really feel regret over what I did, when I really think it could have been repaired. Lora Cheadle [00:08:08]: So that’s why I’m spending a whole quarter on these threshold moments. So you can find peace, so you can prevent regret, and so you can become soft and clear and focused with who you are and what you want. In a non pressure, yes, sort of way, but in a deep, grounded and resourced way. The second quarter of the year, I’m going to talk a lot about discernment. Discernment is huge. Discernment is huge. When it comes to trust, how do we know who to trust? How do we know when to trust? How do we separate truth from lies? How do we separate our desires from the desires of everybody else? I was just watching. I was just on a flight. Lora Cheadle [00:09:05]: And I’ll say more about why I was on a flight later, but I was watching the movie the Notebook, the Nicholas Sparks one. And I had seen it before and it was just on the flight and I was like, oh, I’m gonna watch that. And there’s a moment where Noah and I, if you’ve seen the movie, have come back together and she’s having troubles deciding if she should stay or if she should go. And he kind of yells at her in frustration, like, you have to figure out what you want. Not what your mom wants for you, not what your family wants for you, not what I want for you, not what your fiance wants from you, not for what anybody else wants, but what you want. And in the movie, she was really flustered and she was really confused. And I just thought, wow, there is so much about that. That is that discernment. Lora Cheadle [00:10:05]: What do I want and who can I trust and how can I do it? So we’re going to spend all second quarter on discernment. Third quarter, we’re going to move into sovereignty. What does that mean? What does it mean to own your power? What does it mean to have full agency over yourself in your life? How do you enter into a partnership and still have agency and sovereignty? Where are you an individual? Where are you a couple? Where are you a mom? Where are you? All of that good stuff. So we’re going to go into sovereignty, and then fourth quarter, we’re going to talk about the return to self. We are going to talk about embodiment, we’re going to talk about presence, we’re going to talk about integration of all of this. We are going to take this year through a complete healing cycle so that by the this time next year, you will have been through it all. You will have completed a whole revolution around the sun and you will be integrated and healthy and whole and complete. Alrighty. Lora Cheadle [00:11:15]: So let’s get back to today’s episode. Let’s get back to the shattering D day, the moment of discovery. That time where everything changes. And the life you thought you had, the person you thought you knew, was absolutely not the person you thought you knew. And it was absolutely not the life that you thought you had. I want to be clear. This moment of shattering is intensely painful. It’s destabilizing, it’s scary, it’s hard to wrap your mind around. Lora Cheadle [00:12:05]: And it’s really hard not to internalize it as being your fault or being something you should have known. But I also want to be clear. This shattering, it’s not the affair, it’s not the divorce, it’s not the diagnosis or the job loss or any of those other things. The death. It is not that moment. Yes, in all of our lives, we have life before and then we have life after. But that moment is the moment that I’m talking about here. That shattering, that knowledge, D day, whatever it is, what that really is, what that moment is. Lora Cheadle [00:12:56]: It’s the moment that you can no longer live inside the illusion you thought was real. It’s the moment you can no longer live inside the illusion you thought was real. Breathe and let that one land. Your partner was not under the same illusion as you. Your partner knew what they were doing. You were the one living inside this illusion. You had the truth revealed to you. And all of a sudden, you are the one left with this shattered reality crumbled at your feet. Lora Cheadle [00:13:45]: And it feels like collapse, it feels like pain, it feels like punishment. It does not feel like, yay, I have agency and I know what’s going on. And all of life is going to get good after this. It does not feel like that at all. But what I’m asking you to do right now, even if you don’t believe me in this moment, is to be open to the possibility that this moment, the shattering, is not here to destroy your life. It is here to reveal, to shine the light on where you have been. Living inside of a story that it isn’t true. And again, just let that land. Lora Cheadle [00:14:44]: Because it is so mind bending to think. I mean, in my case, my partner cheated for 15 years. Even now, eight years later, it’s hard for me to be like, whoa, I lived an illusion for 15 years. I lived in illusion for 15 years. Here’s what I want you to think about. Think about all of the world’s religions, the Egyptian belief, you know, the Egyptian book of the dead, how they did the mummification because they needed to preserve the body. I want you to think about all of the different ancient cult customs and religions and all of the myths and folklore that people have believed. I want you to think about medical practices that people believed. Lora Cheadle [00:15:46]: They believed leeches and bloodletting. And I want you to realize that in this moment that we are living, chances are very good that in the next hundred to 200 years, most of what we believe to be true will be revealed as not true. We will all of a sudden learn that maybe it’s penicillin or chemotherapy or any of these drugs that we have aren’t actually good in the same way that we used to think bloodletting leashes, we’re good. I want you to think about all of the developments that are going to break illusion and let us expand our mind into certainty that something we didn’t think was real is in fact real. Whether it was like the telescope letting us realize that, oh, things are made out of atoms. Atoms have protons, neutrons and electrons. Wow, we could never see that before. So whether it’s being able to see things smaller and smaller, or whether it’s things like the Hubble telescope and going out further and further, truth is going to be revealed. Lora Cheadle [00:17:13]: And sometimes that truth is destabilizing, but there’s no judgment around the revelation of truth. And I know betrayal feels personal. I know it hurts. Oh, my God. I know it hurts. But my aim for you in this episode is for you to be able to just pull back, zoom out, and to see what else this moment really means, what else this moment really is. Because it is a fork in the road down one path. Once you have. Lora Cheadle [00:17:59]: Once you’ve learned about D day, once you have the truth revealed to me, you can choose to go down the fork of continuous survival mode, looping the story, collapse of your old identity, and you can then retain the identity of victim, the identity of betrayed wife, the identity of neglected partner, martyr, whatever. It is unfair. What is the identity that you are holding onto? What is the identity right now that you are believing? After infidelity, when I first found out, I felt so sorry for myself. And it’s not that I wanted other people to feel sorry for me, but I wanted them to see, oh, my God, Laura is so good and so kind and so sweet and so try so hard. And I wanted people to see, like and Sean, well, he’s a dick. Because he did this to her and she tries so hard. Like, that was the truth that I wanted to be known early on. I wanted it to be known that he screwed this up. Lora Cheadle [00:19:22]: He made this choice. I didn’t do anything wrong. This was him. And then as I sat with that, I started to realize, but what does that make me? What does that make me? Because I don’t want to be the fool. I don’t want to be the one who’s taken advantage of. I don’t want to be the one who’s used. I don’t want to be poor Laura. Like, oh, my God, I can take care of myself. Lora Cheadle [00:19:54]: I can totally take care of myself. And I don’t need your help, and I don’t need your pity, and I don’t need. So then it kind of like moved me into this tough chick stance. I don’t need anybody and I’m gonna do this. And. And then it was like, wait a minute. That’s not my identity either. I’m not a victim. Lora Cheadle [00:20:16]: And I’m also not this tough chick who doesn’t need anybody. I am Laura. And by God, they’re not gonna take my identity away from me. And I am not perfect, but I do try hard. And I am good and kind, and I am healthy and I am deserving, and I’m filled with joy, and that’s who I’m going to be. So I had to make this clear decision that I’m not going to all of a sudden keep and retain the identity of betrayed wife. I’m going to make a conscious choice that I’m going to do something different. Even when I didn’t know what that meant. Lora Cheadle [00:20:54]: I didn’t know anybody who had done what I had done. I knew people whose partners had cheated on them and kind of brushed it under the rug. I knew people who had cheated, had their partners cheat on them, and they got mad and they left. Like, I knew a lot of different narratives, but I didn’t know somebody personally who became healthier through betrayal. I didn’t know somebody who was willing to stand strong in their power, who was willing to try to co create a new future with their partner, who was willing to use this as a catalyst for growth and strength. I didn’t know anybody who did that. So it’s the whole two roads diverged in a yellow wood. You know, Robert Frost poem, I took the road less traveled by. Lora Cheadle [00:21:46]: I took it, and I didn’t know what that meant, but I made the conscious choice that I wasn’t going to let the prevailing narrative control what I thought I was able to do. Now, I want to be clear on a few things. Betrayal, the shattering D day, all of this, the illusion breaking. It puts you in that threshold moment, and you can choose, and you can choose something else, and then you can choose again. Like I said early on, I was like, I’m gonna be the victim. I’m going to wear that role. And I am the betrayed wife. And he did me wrong and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Lora Cheadle [00:22:33]: And then I chose again. And that’s when I chose. I am tough girl, and I’m not gonna let anything. And then I chose again. And that’s the first thing that I want to point out. Yes, this is your threshold moment. Yes, this is your fork in the road. Yes, this is two roads diverged in the yellow wood. Lora Cheadle [00:22:52]: And you can always go back and you can choose again. Just because you choose something once doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with that decision. And the second thing that I also want to clarify is you standing in your power and making a conscious, cognitive choice does not mean you’re forgiving somebody. It doesn’t mean you’re staying in the marriage. It doesn’t mean it’s all great. Oh, my gosh, this is an amazing threshold moment. It doesn’t mean any of that. It just means I will no longer live unconsciously inside the event that broke me. Lora Cheadle [00:23:35]: I will no longer live unconsciously in. Inside this event that broke me. Yes, I have to live inside this event because it happened. But I’m going to be very conscious about it. I’m going to be very aware. All right. Wow. I’m in a new reality. Lora Cheadle [00:23:53]: I see clearly now. I see the truth. I might not like it at all. There will be a part of you that wants to go back to sleep and wants to go back into the. And I just want to say that, too. There was a huge part of me that was like, I just. I wish I never even knew. I just want to go back to how things were. Lora Cheadle [00:24:13]: And I can’t tell you how many people come to me and they’re like, I know you’re a hypnotherapist. Can you just hypnotize me to forget this whole thing ever happened? And it’s like, I get it, and I’m not going to do that. I can hypnotize you to make it not as impactful, to make it not as harmful. I can hypnotize you to be able to release those thoughts or to have different associations with it. But no, I will not hypnotize you to forget. Because finding out your partner has been unfaithful is not something you want to forget. Going back to sleep is not the answer. Waking up, choosing truth and choosing yourself is the answer. Lora Cheadle [00:25:15]: As you know, if you’ve been listening to my podcast, I’m a huge Matrix fan. It’s the blue pill versus the red pill. The red pill breaks the illusion and it gives you truth. And, oh my God, it hurts. It hurts. But do you really want to go back to sleep? And I also want to say, breaking it open, seeing the truth, having this threshold moment, having this awakening, that’s not the victory. This is the beginning. In the Matrix movie, he didn’t just take the red pill, see this entire illusion of the world crumble around his eyes, and the movie is done. Lora Cheadle [00:26:03]: Wow. He sees clearly now. That’s not the victory. That’s the beginning. And I know that can feel exhausting. I know it can feel exhausting, but it’s the beginning of the rest of your story. And what are you going to make of that story now? I want to share something that happened this weekend. Not because it was dramatic, but I think it’s a really good illustration of what comes after. Lora Cheadle [00:26:38]: It’s a really good illustration of what, what it’s like to live in truth, what it’s like to live free from illusion. I’ve mentioned this on the show for a couple of weeks here, but my husband’s 15 year affair partner is in his hometown. When I found out about the infidelity, one of the things that we talked about was we’re not going back to the the hometown. We’re not doing high school reunions. We’re not doing events where she could show up because it’s not worth it. Is it that, oh my gosh, I don’t want them to see each other. No, I’m not afraid. I don’t feel threatened. Lora Cheadle [00:27:21]: It’s not that I think he’s going to do anything. He doesn’t want to see her either. It’s that we both have no need for that anymore. We have done our work and she does not matter. But sometimes, even though we know she doesn’t matter, our concern has been that she might think she still matters. Because for a long time afterwards, she would reach out to friends on Facebook or she would reach out to me and want to have a discussion. And it’s like, dude, we’re not friends. We have nothing to say to each other. Lora Cheadle [00:27:55]: And I don’t care what you say or think or believe, like, I don’t care. And he was the same way. He’s like, blocking on everything because, peace out. We’re done with that. So that was the original rule almost eight years ago. Well, a while back, his football coach, who was a big mentor to him, passed away, and he really wanted to go to the funeral, and chances were high that she would be at the funeral. And we talked about it, and it was like, okay, I set a boundary. And my boundary was, we are not going back there, Period. Lora Cheadle [00:28:33]: End of story, ever. You’re done. You made that decision. You’re going to live with the consequences. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, now, eight years later, it’s like, I don’t really need that boundary in this instance. I might need that boundary in other instances, but in this instance, I. I don’t need that boundary. Lora Cheadle [00:28:52]: I don’t feel threatened or afraid. We have done the work together that we know how we are going to handle this situation. So we had conversations about it. He talked about what he would want to do or how he would want to manage a situation in the event that she approached either of us. I talked about what are the things that would be important to me. He. I thought this was great. He talked to his friends that he knew that were going to be there, and he let them know, knew what happened and what his concern was. Lora Cheadle [00:29:28]: And could they kind of also assist if she started making a scene, to step in, if she started to approach, to keep blocking. He reached out to other people to keep me safe, to keep him safe, but. But most importantly, to keep us safe. So we had the conversation with ourselves. He had the conversation with other people that he knew we were prepared. And. This is what I want to illustrate from this story. This is eight years after D Day. Lora Cheadle [00:30:09]: We are still managing this because this is our new story. This is our new identity. This is the new way we are a team. This is the new way we are proactive. This is the new way we are vulnerable and share with each other. This is the new way that we support each other. That moment of D day changed everything. This is not how we had communication before. Lora Cheadle [00:30:40]: We have grown in our connection. We have grown in our communication. We have grown in our authenticity and vulnerability. Like, when we were out there, his friends would say, like, oh, hey, I listened to Laura’s podcast. Is that mortifying for him? I think pre DDA it would have been. And now he’s like, yes, that’s something I did. Like, he said a few times, I did this, and now I need to stand in it, and I need to own it without shame, without fear, but with integrity. Yes. Lora Cheadle [00:31:15]: This is the mistake that I made. And going forward, this is how who I am, and this is what I do for myself, and this is what I do for the relationship. And then same thing. Meeting some new people who didn’t know. You know, when people talk to me, what do you do? I work with infidelity. It brings up a lot. But he didn’t have shame around that. I’m not weird about it. Lora Cheadle [00:31:42]: I’m not hiding that it happened to me or to us. We are an integrated team, and we are continuing to act different because of this moment. So when I said, this is not the betrayal, is not the victory, it’s not. It’s the beginning. Eight years later, we’re still living this story. It’s just that it’s a better story. It’s a more powerful connection. We had a very good experience at the funeral this weekend. Lora Cheadle [00:32:22]: We actually didn’t really even end up seeing her. And you know what? That’s totally fine. We weren’t looking, but we weren’t not looking either. But we could also relax because we had things in place to protect us. So we were proactive. And even we had one situation where it. He spotted somebody who had been in contact with her, and he was like, you know what? I don’t even want to go say hello to that person because I don’t want to risk something awkward coming up, and I don’t want to put myself in that position, and I don’t want to put Laura in that position. So, again, peace out. Lora Cheadle [00:33:05]: I don’t even need to say hello to that person. What this event was about was about honoring the coach that passed away. So. So he chose. My husband, chose integrity. He chose the integrity of how to honor the coach and how to honor us and how to honor me. But I also think, most importantly, how to honor himself. Because we had to have the conversation. Lora Cheadle [00:33:27]: Hey, Laura, I know this is a boundary. I know I’m not, quote, supposed to go, but here’s why I want to go. And I could again stand in my power and hear that, and we could have this discussion and we could create this entirely different interaction other than, wow, eight years ago, you set this boundary and we’re never going to talk about it. We are stronger now, eight years later, because of all of the things and all of the work and all of the integrity and all of the processing that has been done along the way. So that is the victory. The victory is not the betrayal. And then Being honest about it. The victory is not D Day. Lora Cheadle [00:34:17]: That is the beginning. Here we are, eight years later with yet another victory. Again. It’s not the moment that breaks that everything matters. It’s not the moment that breaks that matters. It is not the moment that breaks that matters. Right now, you might think it is. Right now, you might feel like it is. Lora Cheadle [00:34:46]: Right now, you might feel like you can never get through this moment. Right now, you might feel like this moment is going to overshadow the rest of your life and change your identity and change your future. And what I want you to know is it’s not that moment is just a moment. The story of what comes after and after a year, after two years, after three years, after 10 years, after 20 years, after that is what matters. It was in so many moments at this funeral where I saw how much had been rebuilt, where I saw how much our relationship has changed, where I saw how much I have changed or he has changed, or we have changed. Not through pretending, not through faking it, not through forgiveness and positivity, but through truth, through repair, and through choice. Both of us making choices to stay in truth, stay in integrity, and come back to repair. Was it done perfectly? Holy heck, no. Lora Cheadle [00:36:10]: Do we still make a lot of mistakes? Holy heck, yes. But we are still both committed. Even when it takes a week or a month to come back and repair and to talk and to speak the truth and to share feelings and to see how we can support each other, the moment that things break is just a moment. It’s what you do after that matters. What I want you to know is if you were listening to this, realizing either that, oh, my God, I am at a fork in the road, or I have taken a fork that I don’t really want and I want to go back and change things, or if you’re realizing I am really far down a wrong path and I don’t even know how to unring some of these bells. That’s why I am here. Go to introductorysession.com and book your $97 introductory session. You and I can get together. Lora Cheadle [00:37:24]: You don’t have to navigate this alone. This is no pressure. I’m not here to pressure you. I’m here to hold space for you. I’m here to guide you. I’m a wayfinder. I am the lantern holder. I am here to help you see what’s possible when you are too stressed and hurt and afraid to see what’s possible for yourself. Lora Cheadle [00:37:49]: This is not therapy. This is not fixing. This is not judgment. This is Just a grounded, real conversation to help you understand what where you’re at, what’s real, and to talk about what your next step might be. You can find that link in the show notes to introductorysession.com only if it feels safe. No pressure, but just know that I am here anytime you need me. Now. In service of getting you to think a little bit more too, in service of getting you to move beyond the pain of that moment, the pain of that shattering, the pain of your entire life and what you thought was real, crumbling and falling down around you, I want to ask you a few questions. Lora Cheadle [00:38:47]: The first question is, what is the moment you are calling the story that is actually just the doorway? What is the moment that you are calling the story that is actually just a doorway? And there might be several things there. I know when I first found out it was the story is Sean betrayed me, my husband cheated on me. That was the story that I wanted to tell. You wouldn’t believe what he did. I did not see it then as the doorway. What is that moment for you? And what would it be like if that moment was a doorway? What would it be like? And then the second question is, where are you still living inside that shattered reality? Where are you still standing in the middle of that rubble, trying to either live from that place of shattering or trying to repair what was broken instead of boop, boop, stepping out of that shattering and finding something new. And I want to be clear that sometimes we can live inside of the shattering in certain ways and we can evolve and launch away in certain ways. So that’s what I really want you to be clear. Lora Cheadle [00:40:29]: Are you still living inside the shattering in certain areas? And then my last question right now is, what illusion did betrayal collapse that you can’t unsee? What illusion did betrayal collapse that you can’t unsee now? And I’m going to tell you a little story on that too. And this is by no means calling down my husband. I want you to know that he is a traumatized person. He has complex PTSD based on his childhood. It’s who he is. He has PTSD the same way some people might have a birthmark or a limp or a missing digit or finger or toe or a cognitive shift. That is different. He has PTSD the same way other people have different things. Lora Cheadle [00:41:52]: I did not know that. I thought he was just like me. I thought he was just like many of the people that I knew that have pretty functional, happy, healthy childhoods. I did not know that he had ptsd. So I treated him like a. I hate the word normal, normal. But I treated him like a normal person. I treated him like somebody who did not have triggers. Lora Cheadle [00:42:23]: I treated him like somebody who did not have ptsd. The betrayal collapsed that illusion for me. It made it clear and real that this is who he is, and because of his ptsd, this is what he is and is not capable of. Of. And before we go too deep, yes, therapy can help. Yes, things like EMDR can help. Yes, coaching works. Yes, energy work works. Lora Cheadle [00:42:56]: Yes, all of these things work. And yet still, when somebody has ptsd, they still have ptsd. They can be more triggered, and they can be less triggered. And depending on what’s going on, it’s a continuum. But he has ptsd. This means he is, quote, limited in certain ways. I see him differently now, and it is enormously helpful. And here’s what I want to say around that. Lora Cheadle [00:43:32]: Before, I would lean into triggering him, and I didn’t know that that’s what I was doing. I would lean into confrontation. I would lean into, you got to do this. You got to do this. I would lean in the way. I would lean into other people. Yet his response was always vastly different. He would go into fight, flight, or freeze. Lora Cheadle [00:43:58]: And I didn’t know he was going into fight, flight, or freeze because he had ptsd and because I was triggering that ptsd. I just thought he was being a jerk. I can’t unsee that now. When he’s overwhelmed now and he goes into fight, flight, or freeze. I see somebody with PTSD who is going into fight, flight, or freeze, and it changes my reaction. It changes my feelings about it. Because before I would think, he’s being a jerk. He’s ignoring me. Lora Cheadle [00:44:34]: He’s intentionally shutting down. Dang. He’s being argumentative. And I would create this story in my head about what it meant. It means that he’s got a temper problem. It means that he is lazy. It means that he is. You know those stories, like when your partner triggers you and you go, it means something different now. Lora Cheadle [00:44:56]: Now I know that it means he is having a PTSD trigger. It’s not about me. It’s not about him being lazy. It’s not about him being argumentative. It’s not about anything other than, wow, he’s having a PTSD trigger. So the illusion, the betrayal collapsed was that he is, quote, unquote, normal like me. It collapsed that illusion, and it’s been enormously helpful. Now, betrayal also collapsed some illusions that I really, really liked. Lora Cheadle [00:45:34]: I really, really liked a lot of the illusions that we were this happy couple who had only chosen each other. I really liked a lot of the illusions around that. And yeah, I can’t unsee that now either. But the point is that shattering is the initiation. The story is what you build next. And the story that I build now is, wow, I see him differently. I can be kinder to him. I could be more understanding to him. Lora Cheadle [00:46:09]: Not because I’m pandering, not because I’m fixing, not because I’m like, oh, I’m going to be so nice to you so you don’t cheat on me again, not in that way, but in the same way that if you had a friend with two broken legs, you wouldn’t constantly being saying, why don’t you just run upstairs and meet me? You would shift and you’d be like, oh, they have two broken legs. They can’t just run upstairs and meet me. I’m going to run down and meet them. And that’s what I’m talking about here is how do you meet the other person? Now, Sean has had some illusions about me shattered as well too, that he can unsee. So he is going to meet me differently and I am going to meet him differently. But again, this is in service of creating a happier, healthier, more functional relationship. Using that broken leg analogy, I can’t expect him to act like a person without ptsd. If I am going to choose to be in a relationship with him, I have to be conscious and aware that I am choosing to be in a relationship with somebody who has ptsd, which means I am going to have to do things differently. Lora Cheadle [00:47:25]: And if I don’t choose to do things differently, and if I don’t want to do things differently, then I don’t need to choose this relationship as the, again, quote, healthy partner, as the one without ptsd. I have more capacity because of my past, because of my childhood. He has less capacity because of his past, because of his childhood. Am I going to have to drive the train, so to speak, when it comes to some marital things, when it comes to some emotional things, when it comes to some parenting things, yes, I am. Why? Because he doesn’t have the capacity because he has ptsd. So if I’m going to choose to be in this relationship, I have to be aware, clearly aware, no illusion of what he is and is not capable of. Can he get better? Can he do therapy? Can he shift different parts? You betcha. And he is. Lora Cheadle [00:48:35]: But it’s also like saying, can the man with no legs sprint upstairs? Let’s see, there’s A lot that they can do. We can install those little assistance devices. We can get prosthetics, we can do all these different things. But he will never be able to sprint up the stairs in the same way I, with two legs, able to sprint up the stairs. And like I said, I’m not calling down Sean. What I’m saying is, if you are going to stay with anybody, regardless of infidelity or anything else, it behooves us to be painfully aware of who they are and what is their capacity, and to have us make a conscious, aware, enlightened decision of, I’m down for this or I’m not down for this. Another story. When I was in college, I was dating a guy and we actually got engaged who was an alcoholic. Lora Cheadle [00:49:38]: He ended up going into rehab our senior year. So I did Al Anon, and I did all the family things, and I started learning about what it is really like to live with an alcoholic. And guess what? I wasn’t down for that. I wasn’t down for that. I did not want that. I was not okay living that way. I wasn’t down for it. So I ended the relationship. Lora Cheadle [00:50:04]: Not because I didn’t love him, not because we didn’t get along, not because of any other reason other than I know very clearly what it takes to live with somebody with alcoholism, and I don’t want that life. I don’t choose that. Had I chosen it, I would have needed to choose it with that level of awareness that, you know what? I am okay with this. And that was the decision that I made post infidelity. When Sean’s trauma came out, when his PTSD came out, and when I learned, what is it like to be the partner of somebody with ptsd, Am I down for this? And I really had to get real and honest and clear with myself. And there’s parts where it was like, oh, I don’t know if I’m willing to do that. And I had to sit with that and decide, am I willing to do that? Am I willing to take a bigger load on some of these things? Am I willing to not have this? Am I willing to wait years while he does therapy and maybe only get better a little bit? And for me, my answer was yes, again, not in a poor me kind of a way, but in a very clear, radical, eyes wide open, awake, not going to choose the alcoholic side. Let that one go. Lora Cheadle [00:51:31]: You know what? I can choose to partner with somebody who has ptsd. And whatever you choose or don’t choose is up to you, because that, again, Is this shattering of the illusion? Who are you? Who is your partner? And this choice goes both ways. Shawn has to choose to deal with me. Shawn has to look at my words. He has to look at my capacity. He has to look at my my flaws. And he also has to choose, yes, I’m willing to do that, or I am not willing to do that. If you and your partner each choose each other with eyes wide open, knowing what it takes, that’s the beginning of the journey. Lora Cheadle [00:52:20]: That’s that first step. And if you say, I don’t want it, that’s also the beginning of your journey, that’s also the first step. Because you can’t unsee what the truth is right now. And that’s where your story begins. This is the structure that creates safety. This is the awareness of what is not what you wish were, or what only could have been or what might be. If this is the structure of this is what it is. And then your life unfolds. Lora Cheadle [00:53:04]: Choice happens slowly. Step at a time. Sometimes one step forward, sometimes two steps back. Your agency returns incrementally as you move forward, as you see the truth more clearly, as you’re ready for more, I want you to know if you’re standing in this moment where everything broke, if you were still living in this moment where everything broke, this is not the end of your story. This is not the place you stay trapped. This is the moment where you get to stop living inside the illusion. This is the moment where you can start choosing truth for you. Am I willing to do this? Am I not willing to do this? What will I tolerate and what will I no longer tolerate? And that choice, those choices are made slowly, imperceptibly, sometimes, but consciously. Lora Cheadle [00:54:19]: And that’s what changes everything. Again, if this episode has helped you reframe that moment, that D day, from one of absolute destruction to one of absolute truth being revealed, if you got even the littlest bit, the littlest bit of curiosity or understanding from that, please consider sharing it with somebody else who might need to hear this. If you haven’t already, like subscribe, please leave a Review it really, truly does help other women know who we are, what this is about, and what is possible for them. And just know that you’re not alone. Even when you think that you are, you are not alone on this journey. We are in truth, we are here. Sometimes we don’t like the truth that we see. But that’s why it’s important to stick together, to support each other, to comfort each other, to have each other’s back and to guide each other forward one step at a time. Lora Cheadle [00:55:51]: Into truth, into power, and into joy. As usual, have an amazing week. And always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.