The Real Reason Betrayal Feels Like an Emotional Roller Coaster (and What to Do About It)

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
Today we are going to talk about the real reason why betrayal feels like a complete emotional roller coaster, and most importantly, what to do about it so you can find that stability, find that grounding, and actually feel like you are back in control of. Of yourself and your life again. So if you have ever wondered why you can feel grounded and clear and know exactly what you're going to do and where you're going to go and how it's going to work one day and then be completely undone the next day, then this episode is for you. Because I truly think when one of the most confusing parts of betrayal isn't trying to understand what happened, how somebody that you thought you knew and loved and trusted could do this, but it's the emotional roller coaster that follows because that's about you. And if you're anything like me, the way that you respond after betrayal makes you feel crazy. You can listen to podcasts, you can read books, you can get all of this insight and you can suddenly start feeling better, like, oh, my gosh, it's trauma. It's about him. It's not about me.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:42]:
Oh my gosh, I understand this. And you genuinely start feeling better and then something happens, like you hear the affair partner's name, or you go somewhere where you knew your partner was with their affair partner, or an anniversary, a song, or any number of things hit, and suddenly you're triggered, you are right back in it, and there's this disconnect in your brain, like, why do I know that this is not about me? Why do I know that this, that, or the other thing doesn't matter? Why do I know that it's over? And yet why can I still be completely triggered a year later, two years later, six months later, whatever it is? And what I want you to know is that swing from one moment being like, yeah, I got this and I am moving on and I'm living my best life, blah, blah, blah, into being a crying, puddly mess. Laying on the floor or laying in your bed does not mean you are failing at healing. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. It is a sign of something that most people misunderstand about healing and how healing, especially healing from betrayal, actually works. All right, so today I want to talk about why betrayal feels so emotionally unstable. Even when you are starting to understand and wrap your mind around what happened, even when you have great insights, when maybe you've been in counseling and you're really starting to get things, even when you have done all of the right things so many People tell me that they feel better after listening to this podcast. So many people reach out and say, oh, my gosh, I binge your podcast and it helps so much, and that's great.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:02]:
I have even had people cancel their appointments with me because they're like, oh, I had a great talk with my partner and I totally get it. Or I had a session with my therapist and I really understand it and I feel great. So I'm going to cancel our session. And here's the thing. Weeks later, days later, months later, sometimes even a year later, later, they're still wondering why they don't feel better. And then that's when they reach out to me and they're like, I don't understand. I get this. I understand it.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:42]:
I've read the books, I've listened to the podcast, I've had the sessions with my therapist, and I still only feel better sometimes. It's not. I am not consistently better. What is wrong with me? And what I want to say is that confusion is not random. What it is, it is the result of confusing knowledge with integration. The reason you don't feel better consistently is because you were confusing gaining knowledge with learning how to integrate and apply that knowledge. And that's something that people don't often talk about or understand. Gaining knowledge feels amazing.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:33]:
Having an aha moment feels incredible. Gaining insight sometimes can be like, ah, angels singing. And you get it when something finally freaking makes sense. Sense. When you can finally be like, oh, my gosh, okay, I don't understand it, but I understand why he cheated. I don't really get it, but I understand how this could have happened. I see why you reacted the way you did. I see why I am not crazy.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:07]:
I understand the nervous system, the vagus nerve, all of those things in a totally different way now that settling that knowledge feels like relief. And the problem is that relief can feel like completion. It can feel like, oh, I get it. I'm done. I've listened to the podcast, I've read the books. I understand. I have late night Googled everything that there is to know about infidelity and betrayal, and I understand it. That moment of, oh, that explains everything.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:53]:
That is the moment that knowledge happens, but that is not the moment that integration happens. And far too many people binge content not because they're addicted to information, but because they are addicted to the way that sense of understanding calms the body. But what I want you to know is calm is not the same as change. Momentarily getting that hit of relief, momentarily having that nervous system drop is not the same as living a healed life. Knowledge lives in the mind and yes, it can feel good. Integration lives in the body, it lives long term the nervous system. And most importantly, integration lives in your moment to moment responses and it determines how you react, how you respond and how you feel going forward for the rest of your life. When you have been able to interact, integrate all of the wisdom that you have gained through podcasts, through books, through therapists, through late night conversations with your partner, with your friends, with chat GPT.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:42]:
Can I tell you how many people are like, I have been talking to ChatGPT and it really helps. And what I'm going to say is, yes, it can really help. But when you have gained all of that knowledge, then the next step is to integrate that knowledge. And when you integrate that knowledge, that's when you finally know that you're safe. And what I mean by know that you're safe is your body knows that it's safe, your nervous system knows that it's safe. Your intuition is back online. Your level of self trust and confidence and self worth is all back online in a lived experience sort of way. You are not faking it, you are not fighting it, you just are.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:45]:
And that is how you really know that the affair is over. That's how you really know that this chapter is finally behind you. When you have integrated that knowledge into your body, into your being, and you are showing up and you are living life differently and that roller coaster has really slowed down or stopped. The highs, the ways you key up just really aren't that high anymore. And those lows, they're not really so low either. Now one of the things I want you to think about because this is a really common trigger, it's hearing the affair partner's name. It can be in any random setting. In my group coaching program, that's something that we've even run into when another woman in that group has the same name as the affair partner and people are like, oh my gosh, this is going to be hard.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:55]:
I don't know if I can participate in this group because somebody in this group has the same name as the affair partner. And that's a really common trigger. Another really common trigger is going to a movie where an affair happens or where flirtation outside of marriage happens. There are so many common triggers out there. And what happens is you're feeling good, you're having a good day, you're feeling steady, you're not thinking about the affair at all. You're thinking about life and you're like yes, I'm finally okay. And then somebody mentions that name or that place, or you hear that song, or you're in a movie and you're like, oh, no, here comes the affair. And suddenly your heart starts racing, or you feel yourself clench, your shoulders tighten, your stomach drops, and suddenly your mind starts spiraling and worse.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:00]:
That's when you start questioning yourself. That's when you start saying, why am I still like this? Oh my God, I thought I moved on. Why is this happening to me? Is this ever going to get better? Better? I hate him. I can't believe he did this to me. And then it's off to the races. What I want to do is to name the truth about what's happening. Your reaction, your trigger, doesn't mean that all the insight that you had in the past didn't work or was false. What it means is that you haven't integrated that insight yet.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:51]:
So let's talk about that lack of integration and why the rollercoaster happens when you haven't integrated fully all of the insight that you have gained after finding out about your partner's infidelity. And here's the other thing I want to say. Most of you are now experts in infidelity and betrayal. If you're anything like me and most of the women that I coach, you've googled so many different things. You have read all the books, you've listened to all the podcasts. Like, you know so much. You know so much. It's not that you necessarily need any more aha moments.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:46]:
What you need is someone to ask you some of the hard questions so you can start integrating this knowledge. What you need is somebody to lovingly and gently push you to integrate. And what I mean by integrate is sometimes letting go of the way that you've done things in the past and to do things in a different way. Whether those are deep seated beliefs about yourself and your worth, whether it's challenging you. Who am I and what do I want my life to be like and to feel like? What is my level of integrity? What am I okay with and what am I not willing to settle for? I can't tell you all of the people that I have worked with that I don't want to say struggle, because they're deeply appreciative over these questions. But when I ask them, the response is always the same. It's like, oh, I've never taken it one step deeper to think about that. I've worked with a therapist, but we've never gone that deep.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:11]:
Or I've figured out all of these things, but I don't know how that actually applies. Like I know who I am and I know what my values are and what my integrity is and what I am and I'm not willing to deal with. But then when I look at my own life, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make the hard decision when I am forced to choose between A and B and I don't like A and I don't like B, I don't know what to do. So I just bury my head in the sand and I freeze and I don't do anything because I don't want to make that hard decision. And that's what integration is all about. It's not about forcing you to take action before you were ready to take action. It's not about making you uncomfortable.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:54]:
It's about making you so fully who you are that you were integrated that you can sometimes know. You know what? I am in a place of freeze right now. And that's okay because I need to give myself and my nervous system a little more time. Or you know what? I am waiting for my kids to get a little bit older or I am waiting for something to come through because it's going to make it easier if I do. I need to finish my own education. I need to figure some things out before I take action. But it's integrating that wisdom into who you are and into your everyday life in a way that works for you. Because let's face it, we are all different and we all integrate wisdom differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:47]:
And whether you are choosing to stay or choosing to go, it's not like a one path thing. People stay for different reasons. People live, leave for different reasons. People can co create different relationships and have different versions of marriage. What matters is integrating what you know into who you are. Now why this crazy roller coaster happens? It happens because healing from betrayal is not linear. Your nervous system has to recalibrate after a rupture. Especially after a rupture this significant that impacts every single stinking area of your life.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:42]:
It has to recalibrate in safety, in identity, and in trust. And those are all very different, very important, very fundamental things. Your nervous system has to learn how to and how to recalibrate, how to be safe. When everything that you knew and everything you thought to be true, you have now learned is not true. That's a lot. You have to find your footing again in every respect. Who am I? Am I worthy as a spouse? Am I worthy as a parent? As I am I worthy as a person? You have to recalibrate your entire identity. You have to figure out where you're going to live.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:34]:
Are you safe talking to this person? For most of us, our spouse is our safe place. They're the person that we go to when we're upset or when things are difficult, and then when they become the cause of our upset or our difficulty, and suddenly we see them as the threat, yet at the same time, they're our safe space. Oh, my gosh, talk about cognitive dissonance. Our body, our mind, our nervous system doesn't know what to do. I want to reach to you because you're my person and you hurt me. What do I do? How do I lean in and lean out all at the same time? So that's a huge roller coaster right there. I want to lean in for comfort and I want to lean out and run away because you hurt me. Our nervous system has to figure that out.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:30]:
Our nervous system has to keep us safe in case suddenly our partner is cutting us off financially, moving out of the house, kicking us out of the house. Oh my gosh, big safety considerations are happening that make you unsafe and then part and parcel with identity. Who am I, and am I worth anything or am I completely worthless? We have to deal with our own sense of self trust, especially, I think, when we see ourselves as somebody who has a high level of intuition, who really can see things for what they are. I know for me especially as somebody who really honestly is intuitive. I am intuitive. I can trust myself. If I'm so intuitive and can trust myself, how could this have happened without me knowing it? How can I trust myself to make good decisions if I couldn't even figure out that my partner was cheating? How can I trust myself to decide whether to stay or whether to go? How can I trust myself to decide to invest in coaching or counseling or a group program or an individual program? Or how can I trust myself to do anything like that when it is so painfully obvious that I was gaslit, I was lied to, and I didn't see it coming? This is why the rollercoaster happens, because your nervous system has to heal from all of this. And like I said earlier, healing isn't linear.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:27]:
It happens in waves. You will learn how to regulate around a truth. You will learn how to regulate around an experience. You learn how to re regulate in these little waves. You get triggered. You re regulate. You trigger yourself. You re regulate.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:49]:
You get tired. You have to re regulate. You get hungry and your blood sugar drops. You have to re regulate. We are constantly going up and down all day long. Our blood sugar goes up and down. Our level of tiredness goes up and down. Our level of alertness goes up and down.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:09]:
Our level of joy and satisfaction goes up and down. And that up and down isn't loss, it's not regression, it's not failure. Just because you fall apart and have a really bad day and spend the day in bed or can't show up at work because you can't get your head around things doesn't mean you're failing. It means you were learning how to regulate and you were learning how to integrate that knowledge. It's a process and you are making progress. But the danger is when people mistake this temporary relief for full healing. The danger happens when people stop getting support just because they understand something before they test it, before it's been integrated and tested and tested again. And what I want to say about that is this testing and testing again concept.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:24]:
We have to put ourselves in our healing to the test. Yeah, I'm just going to say it like it is. We have to put ourselves and our healing to the test. Now there's healthy ways of doing this and there are non healthy ways of doing this. And this is why it is so important to work with people who are trauma aware, to people who understand trauma and trauma healing. Now an example of this you may have heard about, like the concept of exposure therapy, that if you're afraid of spiders, instead of running away from spiders and making it so you never see spiders again, you start being shown pictures of spiders and then you get shown pictures of bigger, nastier, scarier spiders. And then you allow yourself to be in the room with a spider and you get closer to the spider and then the next day there's a spider on the wall. And instead of just stepping one step closer to the spider, you step two steps closer to the spider.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:33]:
And then pretty soon you're standing face to face with a spider and you're able to regulate yourself and calm yourself and breathe. And then when you're really, really ready to test yourself, you go somewhere where they have tarantulas and you put the tarantula on your hand in a calm, loving environment with a tarantula expert. And then you sit there and you can hold the spider. And then suddenly after time, through this exposure therapy, you go from being deathly afraid of spiders to having the spider on your hand and all is well in the world. Now that's the general concept behind exposure therapy. And yeah, there's definitely some Truth to that. And it works. And it can also cause severe trauma and it can re traumatize people and it can make their fear of spiders exponentially worse.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:37]:
It has to be done in a therapeutic manner with a guide who understands exposure, therapy and trauma and what you can and cannot handle. For example, early on I would not have handled anything well that had anything to do with seeing one of the affair partners in person. That wouldn't have gone well for me. It's probably not going to go well for you either. Early on, when I would see copies of the text messages, oh, I would get really triggered. It would clench in my gut. Now when I happen upon one of those text messages because yes, I have them saved in a drive. I don't know why.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:27]:
I just feel like, well, in case I ever need them, they're there. If I were to happen upon one of them now, and sometimes I have, it's like, ew, ick. But it's not that jar. It's not that clench in the gut. It doesn't send me into an emotional spiral. I think a lot of you know, if you listen to my show too, a couple weeks ago we went to a funeral where the affair partner was supposed to be present. Did I want to see her? No. But I also knew that if I did see her, it would be okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:07]:
My concern was that the funeral would be impacted, that she would cause a scene. My concern was not that I couldn't handle seeing her. And that's what I mean by integrating and testing the integrations. True healing means you get to the point where if you see texts or photos or hear the name of your affair partner or end up at the same restaurant or whatever it is, you're okay. You're okay. You can go ew, ick. But it's not going to ruin the rest of your day. It's not going to send you into a tailspin.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:51]:
It's not going to hijack your nervous system. So as you're healing, do you need to test the waters a little bit? Yes, I absolutely believe it's important to test the waters a little bit because that's what healing is about. That's what healing means. That's what healing does. So for example, when you're talking about healing and you're talking about having a different marriage or having a different experience, what happens is you will have an experience like you have a fight with your partner. Whether you're together or you're co parenting and you're navigating something different. You have a fight, you Have a situation come up where you are at odds. What are all of the behaviors that each of you had before this experience that were not so healthy? Did you demean each other? Did you talk over each other? Were you not really fully focused on each other and what you needed? Think about all of the ways that you acted and behaved.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:08]:
Think about all of those habits. How do you want to do things differently going forward? My husband and I both say, because it's true, we finally got the marriage that we always wanted. We show up differently. We prioritize each other differently. We have conversations differently. We communicate differently. Now, early on, we would understand, okay, I need to do this differently. This is not healthy.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:47]:
I understand now what he needs. He understands now what I need. And we would get it. But then we would go back to our regular life, and we would do the same things that we always did. Nope, you're not alone if you do that. We would do the exact same things we always did because we were living out of habit and we knew better. And I think that's the kicker sometimes. If I know better, why am I still doing this? If he knows better, why is he still doing this? If we know better, why are we still doing this? And that's exactly what I'm talking about, is that difference between knowing better and doing better.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:34]:
Better. Knowing better and doing better. Walking the walk and talking the talk. And that's what being integrated means. Being integrated means having that information, having that knowledge going, oh, whoa. Like, in my case, wow. My husband had a lot of childhood trauma, and he has a lot of wounds and a lot of demons. And these are the things that.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:04]:
That I have in my life, and these are the things that he has in his life. And because of some of those wounds, some of those demons, because of the fact that he has complex ptsd, I need to behave differently. And here's why. Not because I'm tiptoeing around him. But. And this is a true one. Oh, my gosh. If I speak too loudly in the house, if I, like, yell across the house, hey, do you want to go grab dinner now? Whoa.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:34]:
It undoes him. Because his mom, who is extremely abusive, would always yell across the house right before she was going to come tear into him for a long time. I knew that he didn't like me yelling across the house. I knew that that set him off, but I didn't really understand why. And I was like, well, I'm entitled to yell across the house. It's not my problem. He can deal with it. He can learn and it was.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:07]:
Over time, I gained the knowledge that PTSD isn't just something you get over. It's not something that he was faking. And if I love him, which I do, and if I want to continue in this relationship, which I do, I need to show up differently. Not because I'm giving away parts of myself or making it all about him, but because as his partner, I need to support his nervous system. And one of the ways that I can do that is by not yelling across the house, so I show up differently. And you know what? That was a hard habit to break. I was so used to just yelling down the stairs, do you want to grab dinner? You know, or whatever it was. That's a hard habit to break in my mind.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:01]:
I knew it. But it was a hard habit to break. It doesn't sound hard to say, walk downstairs and talk to him face to face, but in reality, that was a hard habit to break. And, you know, one of his habits, too, is he is a big, loud, animated speaker. And I was like, oh, my gosh, will you quit cussing? I hate swear words. No, I know you're not cussing at me, but it's always, you know, f this and F that, and I find it really, really offensive. And all those swear words just trigger me. Based on my past, I don't want to have cussing and same thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:44]:
For a long time. Before D day, before all of this came out, before we learned how to integrate, before we learned how to have marriage 2.0, he would be like, yeah, I'll try. Yeah, I'll try not to cuss. Cuss so much. Yeah, I'll try. And in our worst times, it would be like, well, you're too sensitive. And then in our worst times, I would be like, and you too sensitive that I yell across the house. And then we would be in this stupid stalemate.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:09]:
You're too sensitive that I cuss. You're too sensitive that I yell across the house. Well, who is that going to help? Nobody. Who is going to win that argument? Nobody. I got the knowledge that, due to ptsd, me yelling across the house, truly honest to God, triggered him. He got the aha moment. That hearing cussing really impacts my sensitive nervous system. That it really.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:34]:
Yes, it really triggers me the same way that yelling across the house triggers him. And, hey, we have to do things differently, because the point isn't to prove to the other person who's right and who's wrong or who's more sensitive or who's less sensitive. The point is to have a happy, healthy relationship and I have to show up different and he has to show up different. And we have to change some habits. And that's all they are, is habits. But it's the integration of those new habits into our new relationship that creates the change, that creates the healing, and that makes both of us feel different. Now, I want to pause right here because this is exactly the moment where podcast content reaches its limit, or where reading book content reaches its limit, or that sometimes therapeutic intervention can reach its limit. When you're triggered, when you were locked into a pattern, whether it's the yelling across the house and cussing example, I know you and your partner have probably had similar type spirals or whether it's hearing the affair partner's name or seeing a text or whatever, whenever you feel that panic rise, whenever you feel that flush of frustration, anger, pain, whatever, that is not the time for more information.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:16]:
That is not the time for more information. When you start to be triggered, it is not the time for more information. It is not the time for your partner to say to you something like headspace, hey, you promised you wouldn't do this. If Sean were have to said to me like in that moment that I'm stressed or tense, what you really need to do is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know better than this, oh, it's not going to work. If I were to say to Sean, wow, you're in a freeze right now. Why don't you just get up and do something? It's not going to work. When you engage with your partner, when they're triggered, it's not going to work. When you're triggered and you reach out to your partner, chances are it's not going to work because it's not about getting more information.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:03]:
It's about showing up and doing things different. It's about integration. And that's why the cornerstone, honestly, the cornerstone of my practice is the Betrayal Lifeline. And I don't talk about that a lot here, but what it is is it is a private on demand voxer coaching where you message me in real time. Where you message me in real time so you can get grounded. Expert guidance in the moment as things are actually happening, not weeks later in your session, not after you've spiraled alone, or you've locked in with your partner on another unsuccessful he said, she said, I'm right, you're wrong. Betrayal Lifeline is about support in the moment. Because in the moment is when your ability to integrate the things that, you know, the changes that you want to have happen in your life is where your integration is being tested.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:14]:
And instead of engaging with your partner, you engage with me. Because I am your neutral third party. I am that wise voice outside of yourself that can say, you, you know what? Right now, in this moment, take a walk around the block or whoa, whoa, whoa. Right now, in this moment, let's remember those boundaries. Or right now, in this moment, this is what needs to happen. This is what you can say. I am that neutral third party, that voice in your ear that can help you integrate, that can help you remember. Is this honestly the hill worth dying on? If the answer is no, what can we do to shift this? And if the answer is yes, what can we do to make sure that you win this? For more information, go to betrayal lifeline.com or shoot me a text, shoot me an email and we can talk about it.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:17]:
This is exactly why failure of integration is exactly why people still feel stuck years later. This is why so many people come back years later and say, I get it, I understand everything. But why don't I really feel better? Why is this still so hard? It's not because they failed. It's because they didn't have the support integrating all of that knowledge along the way. They didn't have the support integrating life while it happened. Because integration requires repetition. All learning requires repetition. You can't just listen to somebody play Mozart and say, yep, I've heard it, so I can do it.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:16]:
You don't just pick up a piece of music once and play it once and get it. You don't just read a speech and memorize it because you read it. Memorization requires repetition. Learning requires repetition, and integration requires repetition. Especially if you've had a long marriage, especially if you've done things the same way time and time and time again. Integration requires having support when your system is activated. And most people were never taught how to do this alone. Because for most of us, especially at the beginning, quite frankly, it is too hard to do alone.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:06]:
I had talked earlier about, like, being hangry, being tired, being hungry, having your blood sugar drop. If you're like me, oh my gosh, when I am tired, when I am hungry, it makes it really hard sometimes to be nice to be focused. The other day, oh my goodness, not a proud moment. The other day I was with my adult son and we were driving and we were both tired and we were both hungry and we had both been really, really tapped out. And our conversation just started to get snarky. And I'm like, dude, pull it together. And he's like, mom, drop it. And we're getting hangry with each other and we're getting grumpy.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:54]:
And then after we stopped and had lunch, we were like, oh, I'm really sorry about that. It's like, yeah, I'm really sorry about that, too. I was tired, I was hungry. Yep, me too. I get it. And we were able to move on. And when you are in a fair recovery, it's like being hangry and tired, but on steroids. You can get it one moment that it's not about you.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:21]:
You can get it that it's about your partner's dysfunction. You can get it how? Like, get it and not get it. How they can love you and still cheat. You can get it and not get it. How they can compartmentalize this whole part of their life and think in this weird way that it wasn't going to hurt you if you didn't find out. Like, you can learn that and you can get it, but you could not get it and not live it. And that's what things like Betrayal Lifeline are there to help you do, to help you integrate it. In that moment where your partner says something and you're like, okay, I get it.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:05]:
But I am so triggered right now. I am launching off the deep end because I don't know how to live it differently. I don't know how to not attack him. That's a big one. There are so many of you out there who are like, well, I really feel this compulsion to attack him all the time, to kind of make him pay, to rub his nose in at every chance I get, and I can't seem to stop myself. And I know it's not going to help, but, oh, my God, I can't stop. That's where integration comes in. Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:42]:
When you're feeling that urge to be like, yeah, but you did this. You need support. Okay, say that to me. Don't say that to him. I hear you. What are some options around that? And then we can walk you through what else to do, what else to say, how to integrate so you become the wise woman that you know that you are inside. Integration requires repetition. And when your nervous system is activated, that's.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:14]:
Especially when you need support. Now, I want to pause and say this, too, because as you know, I am a coach. And coaching is about being with you in the moment, in real life, right there, so you can show up differently. Coaching is all about the integration. It's, yes, I will ask you the hard questions. Yes, I will get you to be like oh, and I will get you to have that aha moment. But it's not just about the aha moment. It is about the and now what do I do with this? Because that's huge.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:57]:
And I am also a big fan of therapy. Coaching and therapy work beautifully together. Many people benefit from having a therapist alongside them doing this work. Especially. I say this all the time, but I think especially the betrayer, they need therapy because there's something so broken in them, which is why they did the cheating. And they need to get their stuff figured out and they absolutely need therapy. I don't love couples therapy until later, but I love therapy for the betraying partner as quickly as possible. Because of this, I have partnered with Better Help.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:55]:
BetterHelp is an online therapy platform where you can be matched with therapists in your state and you can have virtual consultations. That way you are in the privacy of your own home. If your partner needs to do it in the privacy of their own office, or you need to do this in the privacy of their your own office, you can do that as well. Because I think therapy can be so essential, especially for the betrayer. The deal that I have with Better Help is they give you 10% off your first month of therapy. Now, how you do that is you go to betterhelp.com flaunt the name of this podcast, flaunt betterhelp.com f f l a u n t for 10 off your first month. And you will know you are in the right place because there is a picture of me and it says, thank you for supporting Laura and her work and her podcast. This is the perfect way for you to explore coaching with me to move you forward and to integrate all of the aha moments that you are getting into in your therapy.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:15]:
So if you were on an emotional roller coaster after betrayal, if you were wondering if this is ever going to end, and if you were crazy, what I want you to know is, no, you are not crazy. And yes, it's going to end, but it does take work. I'm not going to lie to you. It takes work to. Time does not heal all wounds. Time sure will kind of dull the pain on some things, but time does not heal all wounds. Feeling better doesn't mean that you're done. Feeling triggered doesn't mean that you're back at square one.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:58]:
It means your system is learning how to live with all of the things that your mind might be recently starting to understand. It's a process. It takes work. And I also want to say this because not A lot of people will tell you this, and I like to be really honest. It's important to lean in and do the work, and it's important to back off sometimes. Sometimes people will send me a vox, like on the Betrayal Lifeline, or, you know, talk to me at a session, like in the state of despair, oh, my God, my partner quit doing therapy, or I have to back off of therapy because it's too expensive right now, and I just can't invest that in me. And what I say is, it's really okay because sometimes you need time to integrate. Sometimes you need time to integrate.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:02]:
There are times when it's more, more, more, more, more. Help me understand, help me understand. Oh, my gosh. Dots are connecting. I'm figuring this out. Let me learn more. I got this, I got this, I got this, I got this. And then sometimes it's vitally important to stop and to give yourself the chance to integrate into practice.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:23]:
Living differently. Whether it's a habit like stop smoking or stop eating sugar or start working out or reading an inspirational book before you get out of bed in the morning, whatever habit it is, you need time to practice it. If your habit is, get up and do yoga in the morning, get up and stretch for 10 minutes, how do you know what kind of help you need before you hit the roadblock? You know what I'm saying? Like, you can learn the yoga routine, Check, I learned how to do sun salutations. Or check, I downloaded this app and it's got a 10 minute daily practice. You've got the tools. How do you know what's going to get in the way of you actually doing it? You don't know until you start doing it. And then you'll realize, oh, cold weather makes it really hard for me to get out of bed. Hmm.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:30]:
Being tired makes it really easy for me to skip my practice. Huh? I'm not feeling the benefits of it. So it just continues to feel like a really heavy, hard push. You don't know what those blocks are until you actually start doing what you say you're gonna do, right? Because in your mind, it's so easy to set it up. Like, this is easy. I'm setting my alarm 10 minutes early. I've got the app, I've got my yoga clothes sitting by the bed, or I'm just gonna do it in my pajamas. You don't know what the problem is until the rubber meets the road and you start doing it.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:10]:
And then you're like, dang, I am lazy, or this hurts, or I do need Better yoga clothes. Doing yoga in my pajamas doesn't work, or I need a new yoga mat or whatever it is. So often you don't know what the problem is until you practice the practice. And that's exactly what betrayal recovery is like. How do you know what's gonna get in the way? How do you know what's gonna block your feeling? How do you know what is gonna be the most difficult thing until you start doing the thing? It's the same way with marriages. I do work with a lot of couples as well. How do you know what you want in marriage 2.0 until you actually start living it? And sometimes like that, my couples will think, okay, it's all about, you know, going back to my example. Him not cussing and her not yelling across the house.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:11]:
All right, we're gonna do it. I need my support along the way. But why is it hard? Why is it hard to actually not yell across the house? Oh, I don't really know. Oh, it's because I feel busy, and I feel like taking that extra time to walk downstairs instead of yell down the stairs or I actually don't want to do that because it's deeper. I'm afraid he's not going to see me, and I'm afraid he's not going to acknowledge me, and I don't want to set myself up for rejection. Ooh, that's a deep reason. Nobody would ever think about that when on the surface, they are just talking about how they want their marriage to be. It's not something they're going to think about until they practice.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:04]:
Why was it really hard for my husband to quit cussing? Why was that really hard? What was he giving up? Because on the surface, to say, can you quit cussing? Well, sure. But then his deeper reasons, the things that got in the way of him being successful, one of the things was like, oh, wow, I suddenly feel controlled. I was controlled by my mom so much that sometimes even a simple request like this makes me feel controlled. And it takes me back to that feeling of being powerless. Wow. It isn't about you. It isn't even about me, really. It's about how I felt as a kid.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:50]:
Who would think about that until they live this experience? This is why lived experience of any kind is so important and so powerful. Until you live something, you don't know what it's like. I mean, oh, my gosh. Before experiencing infidelity myself, I didn't know what it was like. I would. I would hear stories sometimes, or I would think to myself, well, if he ever did that, I'd be out of here. That's a total bright line deal breaker. No way would I put up with that.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:29]:
I am out of here, and I am taking him for all he's worth. And I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And then we get here and suddenly we're like, no. Wow. It's a lot more complicated than that. Even if you are deciding, nope, bright line. I am out of here. Done. It's still more complicated than you probably thought it was, right? And then all these other things come up and you're like, who would have ever anticipated that? Who would have ever anticipated that infidelity would mean your whole future changes? That was one of those things that was so new to me.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:06]:
I was like, whoa, this is my future. Not I'm changing my whole future. And that's the power of lived experience. That's the power of integration. That's why going slow and realizing this roller coaster is just really learning how to integrate. And that integration is where change happens, and integration is where healing happens. And integration, baby, is where it is all about. So, in conclusion, if you really find yourself wishing that you had someone steady to reach out to when those waves hit, especially in those everyday moments where you're like, I don't need a whole appointment for this, or I don't need to wait for two weeks to talk to somebody, that's where Betrayal Lifeline really comes in.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:01]:
And that's what Betrayal Lifeline is for. It's private, it's confidential. It is on demand asynchronous coaching. And better yet, it includes access to my Sanctuary of the Soul group program. You can learn more@betrayal lifeline.com betrayal lifeline. All one word.com and it's only $92 a month for pretty much unlimited voxer coaching. No pressure. Join when you want to join.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:32]:
Cancel when you want to cancel. It's just that place where insight meets real life, where you can finally learn to integrate all of this knowledge that you have gained. So if this episode has stirred something, let it in. If this episode has triggered an insight, be grateful. But just ask yourself, how am I going to integrate that insight? I can't wait to see you next week. I look forward to connecting with you on Betrayal Lifeline and developing a real friendship and support system with you so you can integrate those aha Moments so you can get more aha Moments and integrate more aha Moments and finally get the life that you have always dreamed and always wanted and quite frankly, always deserved. Betrayal lifeline.com and have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.