Knowledge & Injury of Betrayal: How Truth Becomes Justice After Infidelity

Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal, a podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Speaker B [00:00:35]:
How have you been injured by betrayal? What was the injury? What was the wound? How have you been harmed by your partner's infidelity? By the lies, by the stories, by their actions? We're going to take a deep dive into unpacking what it really means to be wounded, to be injured how you were injured, what to do about it so you can reclaim justice. And this show is going to go pretty darn deep. This is one of those shows you might want to listen to a couple of times so you can fully let it land and process. And if you're anything like me, it's also one of those shows that you're really going to want to pull out some pen and paper or open up a note app on your phone and take some notes. Because the content here is going to shift you forward. It's going to meaningfully make a difference in your healing, in your ability to move on so you don't stay stuck in the pain and so you can really finally come back home to who you are, feeling whole, feeling healthy and feeling complete. But before we go into all of this incredible stuff, I want to invite you to connect with me. Yes, you can work with me one on one in coaching, but you can also join me for my new group program called Sanctuary of the Soul.

Speaker B [00:02:16]:
It's a safe space, it is private. You do not have to interact with other people. But if you want to, you can. But what's so magical about this program is you have access to me through the group. You have access to me in a monthly two hour group coaching call. You get monthly rituals and somatic practices that I give to you and you also get private energy readings. You have access, a safe space to land somewhere where you can speak honestly and openly without shame, without fear that people are going to judge you because everybody there is just like you. The best part is it's only 47amonth.

Speaker B [00:03:10]:
I understand how hard it can be really to reach out and get the help you need, especially early on and then also especially when you're further on down the road and you have all these stories going on in your head, like I should be further along and I'm just not. It can be so intimidating to reach out and to get help because speaking it out to another person sometimes just makes it real in a way that we're not ready to have it made real. And there's just that fear of hearing things that we don't want to hear, of saying things that we don't want to say. And that's why I created this program. It's, it's truly that soft, gentle place where you can get support, where you can be held, where you can stop fighting this battle all by yourself. And you can connect with me and with others for only 47amonth. You can cancel anytime. For more information and to join, go to Sparkle AllSeason.com www.sparkleallseason.com it'll give you all the information right there.

Speaker B [00:04:25]:
You just put in your name and your address and then if you're interested, it'll send you back the sign up link. The moment you sign up, I can add you to Voxer. We can start talking right away. You'll have access to the replays from the calls, the rituals, the energy reading, all, all of it. The moment you sign up. So if you're in that camp of I don't know what I need, but I think I need something, this is the perfect first step in. It's low cost, it's high touch, and I think most importantly, you can start feeling the shift immediately. Speaking of the shift, let's talk about that.

Speaker B [00:05:13]:
Let's talk about the whole concept of injury. As you might know, I am an attorney. I'm a former corporate attorney. I did, I did a lot of different things, but one of the things that I did was litigation in house litigation and then insurance defense for a while. And if you think about the traditional litigation, the traditional courtroom stuff around being a lawyer, what you might think about is justice. You think you go to court to get justice, somebody has been damaged in some way, how are they made whole? And the thing is, so often we can't exactly be made whole. I mean, that would be so easy. If somebody takes, takes away your red apple and then they give you a new red apple, is it the same red apple? No, but it's about the same size, it's about the same variety.

Speaker B [00:06:12]:
It's the about. So yeah, you lose the apple, you take the apple, whatever, it's kind of a wash. Same thing. Sometimes if there is like a car accident or something like that. Okay, it is A Ford, whatever. This year, this condition, it's fairly easy to replace that car because we know what it was and we know what was damaged. It starts getting a little bit harder. However, when we are dealing with things like expectations, when we are dealing with the more elusive things like satisfaction, and that's what we're dealing with when it comes to infidelity, how were you actually hurt? Now, if you got a disease or something like that, you can say, I was physically injured, my health was compromised due to my partner's actions.

Speaker B [00:07:09]:
How do I get compensated for that? And as with some STDs that are lifelong, you can't. You can't just get it cured. So what is that dollar amount that can make you whole again? What is that amount of money that you could receive that would somehow make you whole again? I want you to think about wrongful death cases. When there's a wrongful death case and there's a lawsuit, you cannot bring that person back to life. But in the legal system, we have assigned a monetary value. Okay, if this person dies, what amount of money can we give you that can help make you whole? And, yeah, that's a weird thing to think about, because what amount of money could make you whole? Well, there really isn't one. But when you're figuring out damages, when you're figuring out how to punish the wrongdoer, you take all of these things into consideration. Like, was somebody the primary breadwinner? You know, how do you have young kids at home? Were they the stay at home parent? Now you need to be compensated for either income or child care, all of those different things.

Speaker B [00:08:30]:
And then what is that dollar amount? And oftentimes that's what juries decide is what is that dollar amount that will make you whole, that will compensate you for the wrongful death of whoever it was. So that's kind of what I want you to think about here with infidelity. Okay, what was the injury? Well, like I said, if it's a physical injury, you got an std. What amount of money can compensate you for that? For the pain, for the suffering, for the embarrassment, for the medical care? What is that amount? If your partner spent a ton of money on their affair partner, what did you lose? What do you have less of now because of their behavior? Is that hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and flights and hotel rooms? Is it just a few hundred dollars on meals? What is the dollar amount that you have been damaged financially? If this was long term, what were you doing with that money? Was it money that would have, could have, should have been invested? Was it money that you just would have spent? Did it impact a decision for you, like to go back to work, think about all of those different things? How were you damaged financially? How were you damaged physically? Those are kind of the easier pieces to think about because there is a physical injury, there is an actual injury, a loss of money and an impact to your physical body. But what makes infidelity so challenging to think about is most of the injury of infidelity is not real. And I'm putting real in air quotes because believe you me, we were injured. It hurts. Oh, my gosh, it hurt.

Speaker B [00:10:45]:
It destabilized us emotionally, spiritually. It was our expectations that were broken. It was our heart that was broken. It was our sense of safety and security and self trust and trust with the other person. It was all of those elusive things that were broken. It was our expectation that our spouse would be faithful that was broken. So how do you put a dollar value on any of that? How do I quantify my broken heart versus your broken heart versus somebody else's broken heart who hurts worse? We can't say that. Did I really, really expect my partner to be faithful? And if I didn't, was I damaged less? It's a lot to think about.

Speaker B [00:11:49]:
And what I'm really asking you to do is to play this headspace game, to get up into your head and to ponder these concepts, not feel them. Which is kind of different for me because so often I'm like, get out of your head and get into your body and feel this. And now I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. Go up into your head. This whole thing is a head game. And it's a head game in service of healing you. So trust me on this one. Trust me on this one.

Speaker B [00:12:23]:
Listen to my voice. Think about what I'm asking you to think about. Relax the gut, soften the belly, breathe and allow this process, allow this inquiry to help you heal. So what were those injuries? My expectations were broken. My thoughts about my husband is a good person of integrity were shattered. That's a wound. When I suddenly saw him as a very fallible, dare I say, effed up human, because that's what I thought. I was like, oh, my lord, you are so wounded.

Speaker B [00:13:21]:
When I made that shift, it completely shifted the way I saw him. And that's an injury. That's a wound. And it's interesting because speaking using that example that has since evolved into you are so messed up to wow, I actually have more respect for you now for Taking this journey for standing in the mess that you made, for owning it, for being accountable and knowing your level of pain, suddenly I have more respect for you than I even did before. So using that as an example, look at that journey. I had respect for my husband. Not super high out of this world. Respect, like normal respect.

Speaker B [00:14:23]:
Of course I respect you. I don't really think too much about it. Of course I respect you. We're doing this together. We're a partnership. Yep, totally respect you. Sure, whatever. Fine.

Speaker B [00:14:34]:
I learn about the infidelity, suddenly I have zero zip new respect. And then we go through this journey and my level of respect is now elevated. So what was my ultimate injury, Huh? I actually got more respect for him. I had to go through this journey. Was my injury the journey? I know I told you there's a lot of head space here. And now we're going to take that even one step deeper. So sit back, take a breath, move your shoulders if you need to. What if you never knew? What if you never had found out? Where would you be if you didn't know the truth? Where would you be if you didn't know the truth? So many of my people that I work with, both one on one and in the group program, talk about I wish I never knew.

Speaker B [00:15:51]:
Like there's this whole part of me that I wish I never even knew. I wish I was never on this path. I wish I never had to take this journey. I wish this hadn't have happened. And it's really interesting because I felt that way too at the beginning. I felt like if some. I'm a hypnotherapist. And I kept thinking, if somebody hypnotize me to forget, that would be so much better.

Speaker B [00:16:19]:
I would feel so much better. And I've had so many of you ask me, can you just hypnotize me to make me forget? And first of all, the answer is no, I cannot hypnotize you to make you forget. And second of all, let's sit with that for a moment. When you say that, when I said that, what we are saying is if I didn't know, I wouldn't be hurt. If I didn't know, I wouldn't feel this pain. If I didn't know, I wouldn't be in this spiral. What does that bring up for you? It probably brings up a lot, doesn't it? Like, whoa. I mean, that right there is the mind trip.

Speaker B [00:17:19]:
If I didn't know, I wouldn't be hurt. If I didn't know, I wouldn't feel Broken. If I didn't know, I wouldn't even be here. Now. Unpack that. If you didn't know, think about all of the things in your life you would be misperceiving. When I found out that my husband had cheated for 15 years, it was obviously devastating. And what made that journey so painful and so difficult was I had to unpack then 15 years of our marital history with this new lens of what was really going on.

Speaker B [00:18:15]:
And it was painful, but it also helped so many pieces fall back into place. It was one of those things that. Oh, when he was picking a fight with me, it had nothing to do with me. He was picking a fight with me because he needed an excuse because he was going to this conference and he was going to see the other woman, and he at least had that level of integrity somewhere inside. That said, I can't just go cheat when everything is going like normal. I have to pick a fight so I can have an excuse for myself to make it feel better inside of me that, yeah, my wife, she's such a witch. I need this validation from other women. And having that understanding and having that knowledge helped.

Speaker B [00:19:08]:
We didn't have a contentious marriage that every time he traveled, I was losing it because that's how he gaslighted me. He's like, you were. You were so out of control. You can't handle me traveling. You just pick a fight every single time I have a trip. You don't respect me. You don't respect my career. You.

Speaker B [00:19:25]:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You can't handle the kids. You can't handle being alone. It was this whole song snowball of gaslighting about who I was and what I believed about his traveling. And over the years, I kind of believed that I'd be like, dang, I am really struggling with this. I am having issues with this. I don't like him traveling. And then it became my fear, my problem, my issue.

Speaker B [00:19:56]:
But it wasn't. And that had never been. It was his attempt to justify to Gaslight, to spin, so he could feel better about cheating, so he could feel entitled to cheat. It's such a mind warp, right? And if I hadn't have had that knowledge, I would have never put those pieces together. To this day, I might still be parroting his story that I had a hard time with him traveling, that I wanted a husband who was home all the time because I really had a problem being alone. It wasn't until I got the knowledge of what was really going on that I started understanding how he was gaslighting and spinning the story. And I started tuning into my body, my head, my heart was like, no. Yes.

Speaker B [00:21:00]:
There were times I didn't want him to travel, but I always respected him in his career. I stayed home in part to support him in his career. Wait, wait. Wait a minute. I loved my time alone with the kids. Often it was easier because it was just me managing, and I didn't have that other person that I was trying to interact with. So actually, that whole story was an incorrect story. And I wouldn't have known it but for learning about the infidelity.

Speaker B [00:21:33]:
What about you? What pieces of the puzzle came together differently once you found out the truth? What pieces of the puzzle came together differently once you learned of your partner's affairs? Did it explain their behavior? Something going on in your relationship? A new way of dressing or acting or traveling or showing up? Think about all of the things that suddenly got explained when you found out the truth. It's crazy, isn't it? And here's the thing. My husband, Sean, told me some point in a fair recovery. He's like, the thing is, I was going to take this to my grave. I thought this was something that I did. I was not proud of it. I knew it was a mistake. The moment it happened.

Speaker B [00:22:48]:
I started spiraling in deeper and deeper. I couldn't figure out how to get out. But right before I found out, ironically or not so ironically, he finally really made peace with the fact that he needed to get out of this. He needed to stop. This was not who he was. This is not what he wanted. He had that huge realization that inside the this is not who I am. Not only am I risking Lora and my family and all this, but this is not who I am, and I'm hurting myself.

Speaker B [00:23:22]:
And he stopped. And that's when he was like, and I'm going to take this to my grave, and nobody is ever going to know. And he really thought we could move forward from that. And what I find chilling, almost, in a way, is if I hadn't have pushed, I would have never known. I would have never known. And at the end of the day, I would have a life that was really built on untruths and fabrication. And I might have been peaceful, and I might have been happy, and I might have been connected, and we might have really did some couples work and rebuilt in a different way. So it could have been good, but it would have never been real.

Speaker B [00:24:25]:
It would have never been fully authentic. It would never be fully true. It would always be built on a lie or if we would have not done the couple's work, if I would have not found out, but he would have not learned how to communicate and identify what he was feeling and is speaking his truth. And I would have just kept going on the same way. I was going like, dude, pull it together. You're fine, everybody's fine. And performing. And I wouldn't have dropped into my level of authenticity.

Speaker B [00:25:08]:
And we would have divorced. The story of the divorce would have been an untruth. Also, it would have been a story of the divorce that Lora couldn't handle. Empty nesting. Sean and Lora couldn't build back up after empty nesting. The kids were the only things keeping them together. And once they left, there was just nothing left. And that would have been the story, the narrative, And I would have believed it.

Speaker B [00:25:42]:
He might have believed it too, but even inside he would have known there was something else that I never would have known and that I would go forward with this belief about marriages, families, divorces, me, my kids, my family, that wouldn't have been true. And that bothers me. That really bothers me, because truth matters, justice matters, integrity matters, balance matters. And I don't know about you, but I. I would really much rather know the truth than to believe a bunch of falsehoods. I would much rather go through the dark night of the soul, the fall from innocence. I would much rather have to put together 15 years in an entirely different way and go through the pain and the suffering and the trauma and. And the fear and the pain and the denial and the bargaining and the grief and all of that.

Speaker B [00:26:59]:
I would much rather do that than, at the end of the day, find out my whole life had been a lie. To find out that my partner wasn't who I thought he was, that our relationship wasn't the way I thought it was, you know, whatever you believe. But to have your life review and to find out, oh, it was all a lie, as God awful as that was, and it was God awful. I would so much rather know the truth and to be able to rebuild my truth my way going forward, and then to live a lie. When I was going down this whole level of inquiry, it reminded me of the whole garden of the Eden story. Adam and Eve living in this beautiful garden. They had everything they wanted, but they were lacking one thing. Do you know what that one thing was? The only thing Adam and Eve were lacking was knowledge.

Speaker B [00:28:34]:
Knowledge of good and evil. They had everything but knowledge. And they thought they lived in a paradise. And then Eve ate the apple and suddenly they were ashamed and they saw their nakedness and they hid from God. Were they naked before the knowledge? Yes. Were they naked after the knowledge? Yes. What did the knowledge do? It changed the way they felt. It changed the way they believed.

Speaker B [00:29:28]:
It changed the way that they understood. And that's my question for you. You're listening to this show because you have knowledge now. You have knowledge that maybe you wish you never knew. Or perhaps you have knowledge that you say, thank God I know because it makes so much more sense now. And now I can be empowered to make choices based on reality, but at the same time, at some level, don't we all just be like, I really wish I wasn't here and I really wish I didn't know any of this? Yes, I'm glad I get reality and sovereignty and choice and agency and all of that. But yeah, there's also that base level where it's just like, oh, no, wish I hadn't done that, sue with that. It's the knowledge that makes you feel differently.

Speaker B [00:30:32]:
Maybe if you got a disease, maybe if you had a financial impact, you have a different kind of a wound. But if you don't have one of those, the wounding is the knowledge. You have been harmed by the knowledge that of your partner's affair. And that knowledge makes you feel ashamed. That knowledge makes you want to run and hide. That knowledge makes you feel horrible. But it had still happened even before you knew. The injury happened way back when your partner cheated, but you didn't know it then, so you weren't hurt then.

Speaker B [00:31:24]:
You only got hurt when you found out. Sit with that for a little bit. My husband started cheating in what, 2002? Ish. I didn't learn about it until 2018. The injury happened in 2002 ish. But I didn't learn about it or feel the pain until 2018. That's a big gap, right? Yes. It can be said that injuries happened along the way too.

Speaker B [00:32:16]:
Every time he fought, every time he wasn't emotionally connected to me, every time he. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And yes, I agree with all that. I'm not saying that there isn't little hurts along the way. I was disappointed. I felt so lonely sometimes. But what I'm saying, and I warned you all, I warned you. This is a lot of head space, theoretical, deep, philosophical, spiritual stuff.

Speaker B [00:32:45]:
The injury from the betrayal didn't happen until I found out many, many, many, many, many years later. The knowledge is what hurt me. But the knowledge is also what saved me. It's what empowered me to come back Home to myself. And what I mean by that is to learn the truth. I always say betrayal uncovers the truth and it uncovers the truth. It uncovers the truth about everything. About your partner, about the other people, about what was really going on, going on in your life, about what was really going on in your thoughts, your headspace, your heart.

Speaker B [00:33:37]:
It uncovered for me how I had betrayed myself, how I had abandoned myself, how I had gone so far into service for others and taking care of things and being responsible and reliable that I had ceased to meet my own needs. I cease to acknowledge that I had needs. How could I have needs? I have to take care of the house and the kids and, and my traveling husband and plan things and go to doctors and take care of the animals. How can I have needs? I'm barely holding it together for everybody else. I do not have room to have needs. I abandon myself. So that's what I mean when I say coming back home to yourself. It comes.

Speaker B [00:34:28]:
I came back home to realizing I'm a human too. I have desires, I have wants, I have needs, I have feelings, I have opinions, I have thoughts. Like I'm an equal participant in this life, in this family. But I have kind of stepped back from that. And that's weird to say because I'm a strong, powerful woman. It's not like I'm sitting around, you know, saying, oh, sweetie pie, I can't do anything without you. I'm a lawyer, I'm educated, I've got friends, I've got family, I've got support. We were comfortable financially.

Speaker B [00:35:08]:
Like there I was, not this measly little blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. But yet I had become more passive. I had become a role instead of stayed. Lora. I became the ever giving wife and the ever giving mother. I became the self sacrificial one in the family. I played the role of not being seen and of not being heard and of not being respected and appreciated. And I put myself there thinking that I was doing good by being in service, thinking that I was loving and kind by helping everybody out.

Speaker B [00:36:03]:
And it's such a fine line because that's such a part of my personality. It's probably a part of your personality too, that you want to love others, you want to support others, you want to do good. And we do. But where then do we put ourselves last? I say this in my book. If you put yourself last, you're never going to win, you're never going to be first because you are putting yourself last. And this experience showed me how I had defaulted into putting myself last. And it allowed me to wake up and be like, oh, no, this is not healthy for me. This is not healthy for my children.

Speaker B [00:36:53]:
This is not healthy for my partner. The injury. Because the show is all about injury. The injury I was doing to myself without even realizing it. Now, this is not to take away the pain of betrayal. This is not to take away any of those other broken expectations. It's to highlight the ways we hurt ourselves. I would go around sometimes with an attitude like, I am being so neglected.

Speaker B [00:37:23]:
Do you see how neglected I'm being? Do you see how I still look adorable going up to school and taking care of the kids? And I'm trying so hard. No, my husband's not here. Like, I would put myself in that martyr position. I will put myself in that long suffering position. I would put myself in different positions in different roles that were not healthy, that were not appealing. That injured me and made me feel bad. They injured me because they made me feel bad. Nobody feels good feeling like they're being taken advantage of.

Speaker B [00:37:57]:
And yet I put myself in a position and a situation where I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. It's not up to anybody else to protect you except you. It sucks. I know, right? Come on. Shouldn't my partner always have my back? Shouldn't my friends? Shouldn't my family? Yes. And yes, we can cultivate relationships with the right people who will stand up for us. Yes, in a partnership, we should have each other's back. And yet still staying awake, staying present to who we are, is staying true to us and to the ability and to the knowledge to take care of ourselves, to have our own back.

Speaker B [00:38:48]:
It's the stupid oxygen mask analogy that we have to put on our own mask first. And how many of us know that and are like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, and then we don't do it? Or we're like, well, that doesn't work for me. I have a keynote speech that I do on betrayal and I ended up. The end of the speech talks about the unbroken promises that we need to start making to ourselves. And the question that I always ask my audience when we start talking about, what are those unbroken promises to yourself? Is does it even seem realistic to make and then keep promises to yourself? Raise your hand if that doesn't even seem realistic. And people like, no, you don't know what I'm responsible for. You don't know what I've got going on. I can't make and keep promises to myself.

Speaker B [00:39:44]:
That's not realistic. And I Always push back on that. I've got this little thing that I do. But my point around that is it feels hard, doesn't it? Like if I promise myself eight hours of sleep at night, eight glasses of water a day, 30 minute walk, you know, reading for 15 minutes, whatever it is. What are your things? What are those things that make you feel good? What are those things that make you feel grounded and centered and whole and happy, working out, eating right, sleeping? How good are you at doing those things for yourself? How good are you at stretching your time and putting up boundaries and being like, no, I'm, I can't do that. I'm not, I will not do that. I'm taking this time for my walk. No, I'm going to bed right now.

Speaker B [00:40:47]:
It's time for me to sleep. How good are you at standing up for yourself and having your own back, at keeping those promises that you make to yourself that I will start eating better, I will start working out, I will see more friends. Because if you're anything like me and the women that I work with, that's really hard. It's really hard to do. And it wasn't until this betrayal recovery journey that I started honoring myself, seeing myself as sacred, seeing my desire as sacred desire. I desire good sleep. I desire healthy, fresh food. I desire that truly, because I am a sacred being.

Speaker B [00:41:46]:
I am a worthy being. And I'm going to take it for myself. I don't expect you to give it to me. I will take it. And there is power in the taking. And I have a whole blog that I did once on taking. Women especially have a hard time taking. We are givers, we're not takers.

Speaker B [00:42:06]:
You gotta take. If you don't take, that means you're expecting somebody else to take it and give it to you. Be a taker. It's more than receiving. Yes, I get that. We have problems receiving. We have problems receiving compliments. We have problems receiving gifts.

Speaker B [00:42:22]:
This is a level more than that. Take. You better start reaching out and taking what you need. Take the time, take the resources, take the money, take what you need for you. And that's what learning about betrayal and waking up to this wisdom can do for you. This is why. It's the knowledge that creates the wound, but it's also the knowledge that creates the healing. Once you know, it's up to you.

Speaker B [00:43:14]:
It's up to you to choose differently. It's up to you to be different. It's up to you to take differently, to create boundaries, to make decisions for yourself and for Your future. It's up to you to take healing, to take the time and the resources, and to marinade and to process and to flow and to do all of those things that in the past you didn't do. So going back to justice, you were hurt. Oh, my God, you were hurt. You might not have been hurt physically. I wasn't hurt physically.

Speaker B [00:44:05]:
Was I hurt financially? A little bit, yes. But in the grand scheme of things, the amount that he spent on other people, it didn't materially impact the rest of my life. I was hurt emotionally, I was hurt. Intellectually, I was hurt. My heart was broken. I even felt like there had been a spiritual rupture, a spiritual injury there. So, you know, when I talked about when you have that injury, like the wrongful death and you can't bring that person back, what do you do? Well, in our court system, it's about the amount of money. What amount of money is going to make you whole? And the thing about infidelity, you're a couple, you're married.

Speaker B [00:44:52]:
It's not about the amount of money that's going to make you whole. Because if you required your husband to pay you a certain amount of money, it's still joint stuff. So nine times out of ten is not money. Not money. It might feel good to maybe get a better settlement in the divorce, but it's really not about the money. So the question that I want to leave you with, and I'd like you to email me your thoughts on this, take some time and then email me your thoughts. But the question I want to leave you with is what's going to make you whole? And I do not want you to say nothing. You are not allowed to say nothing.

Speaker B [00:45:35]:
No fair, hard stop on that one. Because I understand it's not whole in the sense that I can't bring this person back. I can't bring this relationship back. In the same way, what I'm asking you point blank is what amount of what is going to make you feel like. Yep, that's fair. My question to you is, what do you need to fill whole after this injury? For me, I needed truth. I needed truth to feel whole. I needed to find my power again to feel whole.

Speaker B [00:46:27]:
I needed to own my worth. I needed to invest in me. I needed to make mistakes. And that might sound silly, but I was so used to being perfect, and I needed the freedom to make mistakes. Whether it was financial mistakes or recipe mistakes. I needed that freedom, that power to be imperfect, to make mistakes and to put myself first. I put myself last for so many years. What made me feel whole after this was to be like, nope, I'm going first.

Speaker B [00:47:11]:
My schedule will go first. I can choose or not to sacrifice for the rest of you, but I go first from here on out. Not in a mean, abusive way, but in a powerful, whole, self sacred, self respect, self loving way. My workout is going to take precedence. My desire for different meals and different foods. You can do what you want, but I'm going to do this. I am no longer sacrificing for you unless I choose to for me. And it's interesting because a lot of it isn't even necessarily a shift in how we do things.

Speaker B [00:47:59]:
It's a shift in perception. I see things differently. I definitely call myself a student of the course of miracles. It's something that I've studied for several years now, and I feel like you could spend a whole lifetime in it. But one of the things that they talk about in Course of Miracles is having a different perspective and seeing things differently. And to me, being made whole was about seeing things differently. What would make you whole. What made me whole was having the ability to see things differently.

Speaker B [00:48:40]:
I see our fights differently. I see Sean and his pain differently. I see myself differently. And that's the most important part of healing. I see myself differently. I don't see myself as a long suffering, ever serving woman. I see myself as a sovereign, healthy, whole being. I see myself as somebody who is worthy of making mistakes, worthy of taking up space, worthy of having opinions and thoughts.

Speaker B [00:49:26]:
I can challenge, I can disrupt. I can go with the flow. I can do what I feel and want because I am connected to who I am. I'm not performing, I'm not serving. I am fully being. And to me, that's where I found my wholeness. That's where I found my healing. That's what has taken this wound and made me whole.

Speaker B [00:50:09]:
That's what brought justice to this situation. It wasn't just the injustice of cheating. It was the injustice of abandoning myself and this betrayal. Recovery journey is both internal and external. Did it feel good to have Sean, my husband, be accountable, make amends, do healing? Yes, that's that external work. That's that external justice. He sat in the fire and I held him there for a while, let me tell you, because I wasn't ready to let him out. But that was not the full healing.

Speaker B [00:51:03]:
Ultimately, it wouldn't have mattered if he was accountable and made amends and stayed, or if he would have said, no way, baby, I'm out of here. It was all you And I never would have talked to him again. The justice takes place inside. Justice is an internal journey. Justice is an internal journey. To find justice, to heal the wound of betrayal, I had to find that justice inside of me. I had to elevate myself to the point that I would never betray myself again, that I would never willingly put myself last because I thought I needed to in order to be worthy or because I thought it was my role or my place. I put myself first.

Speaker B [00:52:07]:
I have my own back. And from that state of internal justice now I can co create relationships and and friendships from a much healthier place. Can I be hurt again? Yeah, we can all be hurt again. But I've walked this healing path. I know how to create that justice inside. I know that it's all about me. And I know I can heal again. I have tasted the fruit of knowledge.

Speaker B [00:52:55]:
That knowledge has hurt me. That knowledge has healed me. And I have integrated the wisdom of that knowledge. Because knowledge in and of itself, can it be dangerous? Sure. But it's the wisdom gleaned from that knowledge. It's the understanding of what that knowledge can do to serve and to elevate or to destroy and devaluate. Take a breath. There's been a lot, right? How were you injured? What do you need to be made whole? If we were in a court of law right here, if we were in a court of equity right here, and I asked you, what do you need to be made whole inside? What would you say? What do you need to do inside of yourself to make yourself whole? What are the unbroken promises you need to make and keep to yourself in service of this healing? Listen to this show again.

Speaker B [00:54:50]:
Fall asleep listening and pondering. Pull out your journal. Pose a few questions. How was I injured? What did this knowledge do to me? What am I going to do with this knowledge? What do I need in order to be made whole? What is this balance of justice, both internal and external? Spend some time journaling and share your thoughts with me. I truly, truly would love to hear them. Remember, I'd love to see you inside the sanctuary of the soul. We go deep doing things like this. We have all sorts of great conversations and discussions and support because that's a big part of keeping promises to yourself too.

Speaker B [00:55:46]:
Is that support you can join right now, today. Www.sparkleallseason.com we'll start having conversations on Voxer and I can't wait to see you on the inside. I can't wait to find out how you are going to create the justice that you so richly want. Need and deserve. Have an amazing week and as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:28]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love. After Infidelity or Betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Visions 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.