How Much Truth Do You Really Need? After Infidelity

Speaker A [00:00:03]:
Gloria Steinem died this week, and I saw a quote that she famously used, and that was, the truth shall set you free, but first it'll piss you off. And I thought, oh my God, yes, that is so true. So true. If you have ever been betrayed, I think you know exactly what she's talking about. Because when you suspect that your partner is cheating, or when you find out, one of the things that happens is you urgently feel like you need to know the truth. Like you need to know exactly what's going on. Just tell me, just tell me the truth. Tell me what you did.

Speaker A [00:00:54]:
Was it emotional? Was it physical? How many times? Who, what, when, where, why? Ah, tell me what's going on. Tell me who she is. Tell me how long. Tell me everything. And then you get the truth, or you get parts of the truth because trickle truth is a real thing too. And what happens? You don't suddenly feel free. It's not like birds start singing and the heavens open up and you're like, oh, I understand everything that's going on and it's all better. No.

Speaker A [00:01:27]:
It blows your freaking life apart. Sends you down these weird, strange spirals of trauma and drama and stress. And then you have these images in your mind that you can't unsee and texts that you can't unread. And then something really strange happens. You either fall into this place of I need more. I need every single detail in like bloody, gory detail. Or the opposite happens and you're like, I don't need to know anything. I can't handle it.

Speaker A [00:02:10]:
I need to forget. I wish I didn't know any of this. Can't handle it. Today, we're going to talk about truth. We're going to talk about How much truth do you really need? How much truth do you want? We're going to talk about the consequence and the impact of truth. And I think most importantly then, we're going to talk about finding your own truth, figuring out what is true for you regardless of what other people say or do or think or believe. How to know what's real for you. So let's start by figuring out where we are now.

Speaker A [00:03:03]:
Where are you right now? Are you in the camp where you're like, if I could just know the truth, if I could just know why he did it and what And what he said and how long and how many times and where and when and why. And did you love her? And what did you tell her about me? And what did you tell her about the kids? And do your friends know? And do her friends know? And what does she know about me? And was that work trip last week really for work? And were there others? And even if there weren't others, did you try to get others? Or did you reach out on Facebook? Or was this a dating app? Did you sleep with her in her house? Did you go in her house? Like, what else? It's all of these different things. And then you got some information and you're like, but you don't instantly calm down. You go into, is that finally everything? Yeah. Or is there more? Because again, so often there is more. And what I want to say is sometimes these answers really matter. Like, absolutely. Sometimes knowing the truth is the most important thing.

Speaker A [00:04:27]:
Now, specifically too, around like sexual health, that information matters. If your partner did not use a condom, that has an impact on you. And absolutely you need to get tested. You should probably get tested no matter what, because this is one of those areas where being safe is a lot more important than anything else. Financial information also matters. Does somebody have access to accounts? You know what I'm saying? Like, who knows different things about you and your children? There is a safety piece there that matters financially, sexual health, family, all of those things matter. The scope and the duration of the betrayal can also absolutely matter. Is this truly a one-time— I hate to even use the word fluke, but you know what I mean? Like a one-time or a short-term thing, or is this ongoing? Is this a pattern? Is this something that— is this addictive behavior? Did your partner reach out and do the same thing with a series of sex workers for X number of years? Like, it all matters.

Speaker A [00:05:45]:
And I think it also really matters whether the deception is currently ongoing. And I'm just gonna say right here, right now, that's a tough one because it is not uncommon. partner to get caught, to confess, whatever it is, and to begin the repair process and to say to you that they have cut contact when they really haven't. And I want to not trigger you. Like if you're in that boat and you think, oh my gosh, it's common. I don't want to trigger you and make you think that maybe something is happening that it's not. And I also want you to realize that that is very common. And usually it doesn't mean what you think it necessarily means.

Speaker A [00:06:41]:
Like in my case, my husband cheated with 5 different people. He cut contact instantly with most of them. Let me back that up. He did cut contact Instantly with some of them when I found out. He had cut contact with some of them beforehand. He, the one who initially tipped us off by sending me a letter in the mail with the photo, he was a little bit afraid of her because she had done that. So he didn't cut contact with her in terms of he didn't block her right away because he was like, oh my gosh, I'm, I'm kind of afraid and I want to keep keep tabs on her and see what she's saying or what she's doing. So he didn't initially block her for that reason.

Speaker A [00:07:35]:
And then his long-term affair partner that was kind of like this friends with benefits situation that had gone on for so long, he didn't, even though he told me he was cutting contact and he cut contact, he later reached out and had a closure phone call with her because he felt, which I didn't find out about until later, why I didn't find out about why later. I did find out early on that he had called her right away. But what I found out later is it was abrupt that, oh my gosh, Laura found out and, and now it's over and now we're blocking her. And same thing he said inside of him, he had a little bit of fear that then she would start coming back and saying, well, what was happening? What was going on? And also for him, he felt like he needed that moment of closure. Now, I'm not saying, oh, the poor guy, he needed that. I'm just saying that realistically, sometimes there's a little tiny hint of deception that happens early on for a variety of reasons. And if that happens, It doesn't really mean anything one way or the other. I know when I first found out that he contacted her and when he didn't block the other one, my nervous system went into this state of like hypervigilance and being overly paranoid that, and this was it.

Speaker A [00:09:16]:
And this is the sign that nothing is going to work out. When in reality, once I figured out why he had done it that way, and it sort of made sense to me too, and then we continued to have the conversation that I get it, and the rule is they are blocked and there is no contact ever under any circumstances going forward. And then he did it and then it made sense. Does that make sense? Like, It's important to find out whether that deception is continuing. And it's important then once you figure out, all right, this is the line in the sand. This is that point. If you have lied even a little bit in recovery, now is the point going forward that no more lying can happen. So lying early on in the recovery process, while common and while not okay, does not mean your entire recovery process has been for naught.

Speaker A [00:10:26]:
Okay? So if you are deciding whether reconciliation is possible or not, I want you to make sure you have enough accurate information in order to make an informed decision. And that's why I brought up that story. Like, it is accurate that he reached out and had contact, but I also have to be informed to the fact that that was his way of closing it out, and it was not intentionally continuing to deceive. So it's nuance. Nuance always matters. So you need more information. You need to know the truth. You need to know who he's talking to, where he's at, what's happened, whether it was emotional, whether it was physical.

Speaker A [00:11:21]:
And that drive is real. Like that hyper, oh my gosh, what color was her bra and what did she say and what was she wearing? Like that intense need to know is real. But there's this other side that people don't tend to talk about. And I want to talk about that because sometimes we enter that place where we're like, I just want my life back. I don't want to know any of this. I wish, Laura, can you hypnotize me and I can forget this? Yeah, I can hypnotize you, but you're not going to want to forget this. So many people say to me, I just want my life back. I just want to go back to yesterday without knowing this.

Speaker A [00:12:15]:
I want my marriage, my family. I want, I want my vacation and my memories and everything What I thought they meant. I want to be able to wave my husband off on his business trip without knowing that all of this horrible stuff was happening. I just want a business trip to be a business trip. I don't want this pressure, this hypervigilance, this alert. I just want my husband back. I want my marriage back. I want my reality back.

Speaker A [00:12:49]:
And betrayal creates this horrible push-pull. Tell me everything. I need to know everything. Oh my God, why did you tell me that? I can't unknow that. I can't unsee that. I don't need to know. I wish I would've never found out. Because sometimes we're not only afraid of the truth, we're grieving the loss of not knowing.

Speaker A [00:13:18]:
Because before you knew, your life made sense. So it's not just that I might be afraid of the truth because now I have to deal with a whole bunch of that I don't want to deal with, but it's like, I'm grieving my reality. I am really grieving that, that loss of who I was. I was very. I was innocent. I was joyful. I was trusting. I was kind.

Speaker A [00:13:48]:
I grieve that woman. I grieve that naivete, that innocence. And here's what I want to say, because this is really about what is really happening. Truth and certainty are not the same thing. When you find out your partner has cheated, you have just learned something that is quite frankly terrifying. It sends us into a state of survival, whether that's fight or flight or freeze or fawn. Fawn is like the hyper-bonding. I'll do everything.

Speaker A [00:14:36]:
I will become the perfect wife and then you'll never leave again. Finding out about infidelity creates trauma in your body. And weirdly, we don't talk about how bad that trauma really is. This is not a middle school breakup. You know what I'm saying? You have built your life with this person. You might have children or grandchildren with this person. Like, this is the person who has been in your house, in your bed, In your life. This is your safe space.

Speaker A [00:15:17]:
And to learn something like this is truly terrifying. When we don't know what we don't know, it sets us up for this whole other level of, what else do I not know? What else do I not know? Which other friends might be involved? If my partner can do this, anybody else can do anything worse. So of course you want information. Of course you want to reconstruct your reality because you want to reconstruct safety. It's just that somewhere along the line, that information can becomes something else. It becomes this difference between you're not only searching for truth. What did he say? What did he do? You're— what you're really searching for is certainty. And truth and certainty are very different things.

Speaker A [00:16:24]:
Certainty says, if I knew everything— this is a big one— if I knew he would do the work and it would be worth it, I would consider reconciling. If I knew this now, what I would do is— I can make sure that this never happens again if I know that he's going to do X, Y, and Z. Maybe I won't be blindsided again. Maybe I'll know if he's a safe person to be around. Maybe I'll know if I should stay or leave. And it all comes back around to maybe I'll feel okay again. So what I want to ask you is to deconstruct that for yourself. Are you seeking certainty, or are you seeking information and truth? And what are you hoping that the next answer will give you? What are you hoping? This next answer will give you.

Speaker A [00:17:37]:
This matters because so many of us literally lose years of our life waiting for Him to give us back our reality. And I don't want you to spend years of your life waiting for Him to give you back your reality. His truth is his truth and your truth is your truth. And people will say to me, I thought we had a good marriage. And I thought I had a good marriage. I thought I had a really special marriage. And the thing is, from where I stand, I did have a good marriage. My memories, my experience, my lived experience in my marriage is my truth and it cannot be taken away.

Speaker A [00:18:40]:
Your lived experience in your marriage is your truth and it cannot be taken away either. And it doesn't mean that it was perfect. There were times I felt very emotionally neglected. There were times I was so lonely within my own marriage. There were times I wanted him to go deeper and he wouldn't. There were times where I'd be like, are you intentionally picking a fight? Are you intentionally— Understand me. We had normal marital fights, in-laws, finances, kids, parenting, Where are we gonna spend Christmas? Like all of that. We had all those issues.

Speaker A [00:19:22]:
And I still had a good lived experience inside my marriage that was real to me. And one of the activities that Shawn and I did is we compared our marital timelines. And when you compare your marital timeline, you take a piece of paper, And you write like a timeline on it from your marriage date to the present. And you decide together on some key events, births, moves, job losses, change, deaths of people, like all of those things. You can plot those events so you each know, and then you mark your emotional experience along the way. And when we did this, I often had a very A high emotional experience. I would have some little dips. I would have some little frustrations, but they wouldn't register as like major depressive periods in my life.

Speaker A [00:20:20]:
Yes. Like, for example, having kids, May and December were really hard times. Every single event happens in May. Every single event happens in December. You're working, you're exhausted, you're trying to do all these things. Like, there's stressful moments. You know what I mean? Okay. There was a stressful time.

Speaker A [00:20:38]:
A bunch of people died, got sick right in the middle of a move. It was a stressful time. So I would plot my emotional wellbeing a little bit lower, but mostly my experience of being in the marriage was good. And it was really interesting because Shawn had kind of an opposite experience. His emotional experience of living life was just lower. He was not as happy overall as I was with anything. You know, if you're thinking scale of 1 to 10, I was hovering around like a 7 and he was hovering around a 3. And it had nothing to do actually With our relationship or with what was going on.

Speaker A [00:21:29]:
It had to do with who we were as people. So when a bad experience or a stressful time would happen, it would drop me down, but it would really tank him. So we were missing each other. I was missing the fact that he was really that low, and he was missing the fact that I wasn't as low as he was. So he would think sometimes I was being callous or ignoring or not understanding. And I was thinking, dude, pull it together. We gotta get to Christmas Eve. I don't really care if you're sad.

Speaker A [00:22:06]:
We've got kids and it's time for Christmas Eve. Chop chop, pull it together. You know what I'm saying? We had very different experiences. And the thing is with lived experience, it is what it is. And we can't argue it. We can't defend it. We can't justify it. The only thing we can do is realize that we all have a different lived experience.

Speaker A [00:22:33]:
And that's why it's so important for you to realize only you can get your own reality back. If you are waiting for your partner to say, I'm sorry, and to explain to you what happened so you can feel good about yourself and your life and validate your own lived experience, first of all, you probably won't get there. And second of all, even if you do, you're going to waste years of your life getting there. The most important thing you can do is to give yourself your reality back, to validate your own lived experience. This is how I felt. This is how I thought. This is what I believed. And even when it's wrong, like sometimes I would look at my husband, I would, and I would think, grow up and pull it together.

Speaker A [00:23:25]:
I can't be the only one in charge here. You've got to dig a little deeper and come to the party and show up. I can't beat myself up for not knowing how impactful that was on him. I didn't know any better at the time. Now I understand, yeah, the impact of trauma, the impact of depression, the impact of all of these things really can take a per— tank a person's mental health. And asking a depressed person to just pull it all together and get up off the couch isn't helpful. Taking a person who is in a freeze response and yelling at them or bouncing up and down and saying, woo-woo, you can do it! It doesn't help. And I have to let that go.

Speaker A [00:24:14]:
I have to do better now with the tools that I have. And that's what I want for you too, to be able to look at your situation through the lens of truth. My partner was going through this. I was going through that. This is what I did that inadvertently might've hurt them, and this is what they did that hurt me. So especially if you're considering reconciliation, honesty and truth matters enormously, but it's the difference. It's a total difference between I require honesty from you, which, uh, yeah, you should, and I require you to give me enough information so I will never doubt myself again. He can't do that.

Speaker A [00:25:04]:
He can't reassure you. He can't shore you up. Like, does He have work to do? Of course He has work to do, but it's not His job to heal you. You can't get another disclosure, another timeline, another explanation, another answer. Answers won't help you past a certain point. And if you find yourself in that place where you're like, I always have 10 million questions and we go to bed at night and questions just roll through my head, at some point it isn't just about what he knows that you don't know. I think you know the same thing. It's about what betrayal did to your relationship with your own knowing.

Speaker A [00:25:50]:
The injury is to you and your nervous system, and you have to heal you and your nervous system. He can't do it. I wanna tell you a great story around that. About 18 months after discovery is when this happened. Now, going through discovery is really awful. I know you know that. And it was all these questions, you know, all the ones I was saying early on. Mm-hmm.

Speaker A [00:26:18]:
Where, where was it? What happened? What was she wearing? Where did you eat? How did this go? Did you start kissing? What happened next? What did you think? How did her body compare to mine? How did This, like, all of those details. Was it emotional? Was it physical? What did she say? What did you say? Did you have songs together? Did you, like, all the questions. For me, I wanted the complete picture, and I asked so many different things. And one of the things early on that Shawn said Is with his long-term affair partner. I said, I do not understand how you say you could be friends for that long. And there's a lot that I can't understand around that, but like how you could get to that point and you could never truly have a conversation between you about what this relationship meant. Because why did she, quote, wait for you for 15 years? That makes no sense. She never got married.

Speaker A [00:27:26]:
She never had kids. She never did anything. She put her whole life on hold for you for 15 years. Like, at what point did you not talk about this relationship? You know what I mean? To me, that feels crazy. And I kept thinking he had to have been stringing her along. And even at that, I'm like, how much stringing along do you get? I mean, 15 years worth? Seriously? Um, you, affair partner, need to have a little bit more integrity for yourself than to wait 15 years for a guy who has seen you 8 times in 15 years. Like, what's wrong with you? So I was having some major disconnects around that. And at one point I said, like, what is it? What were you saying to each other? Why would she hold on? And he said, well, she kept saying that she loved me and that love came really hard for her, but she loved me.

Speaker A [00:28:26]:
And because she loved me, she was just going to hang on because she knew that one day this would happen. And I was like, okay, that, that doesn't even resonate with who, who I, who I am. You know what? Like, I cannot imagine holding a candle for somebody for that long, but whatever. And I accepted it and I moved on. And then it was about 18 months later. I was sitting on the floor playing with the cats. And I had this thought, wait a minute. When we had this disclosure conversation, she said that she loved him and that she was going to wait for him.

Speaker A [00:29:11]:
He must have told her that he loved her too. Whoa. And it was like, I felt my stomach drop because I thought, this is something I should have known to answer or to ask. I bet I didn't ask because I didn't even wanna know the truth. I bet it didn't even crop up as a question in my brain because I didn't wanna go there because, oh my God, if he loves her and he's burning for her and she's burning for him, ah, and I, you know, You know that place we go to? Yeah, I went to that place. So I called him downstairs. I was like, we need to have a talk. Did you tell her you loved her too? And he looked at me and he reached out and he held my hand and he said, yes, I did.

Speaker A [00:30:00]:
And I thought it was going to be like I was getting stabbed in the heart again. And instead it just felt like a freeze. It just felt like a little catch in there. And he said, let me explain how and why and what I meant. He said, she kept saying, it's really, it's really hard for me to say this. It's the L word and I don't use it. I've only used it with one person ever. And it's really hard, but I'm starting to have feelings for you.

Speaker A [00:30:30]:
And he said, she just kept nudging him towards it, nudging him towards it. And he said, in his head, he's thinking like, Crap. Uh, wow. I didn't realize this is where this was going. Which again, really, dude, how do you not know that? But he said he kept kind of putting it off and kind of putting it off and kind of not saying it. And then she finally said, I just have to tell you, I love you. And he said it was one of those moments where he didn't really want to say it back. But he also felt like if he didn't say it back, then she would walk away.

Speaker A [00:31:12]:
And his goal was keeping her in his life as a backup. So in his lawyer mind, he said he did this little kind of like, well, I do, I do love you as a friend. And he said he had that little caveat in his brain and he was like, yeah, I love you too. And he said he felt really weirdly good about it at the time because he said he was like, there's so many people that I can love. I can love all of humanity. I can love my friends. I can love— and he said it was just this really kind of funny, not funny, haha, funny ironic twist in his brain that allowed him to say that. And he said, Laura, I don't wanna hurt you, but he said, I did love the way that she validated me.

Speaker A [00:31:59]:
I loved the way that she would say, no matter what, I will never walk away from you. No matter what, I will wait forever. He's like, I love that. He's like, there's, there's, that's something that you read at the end of a book. Somebody forever. I love that. I didn't intend on doing anything with it. And I didn't love her back in the sense that I want to be with you and I want to have a family with you and build a life with you.

Speaker A [00:32:30]:
But it was like, dang, I love that you're always here no matter what. Literally anytime, day or night, I can reach out and you will drop everything and show up for me. And I just freaking love that. And he said it was like the selfish kind of, yep, I love that. And he said, I'm sorry, this probably really hurts you to hear. And he said, it sounds really horrible. It sounds like I am a cold, callous, manipulative person. And in many ways I was.

Speaker A [00:33:05]:
I absolutely was with her. And I absolutely was with the others as well. But what you deserve from me is the truth. What you deserve from me is to know exactly what I said and why I said it and what I was thinking when I said it to you. And my experience was interesting because it was like, I understand. That sounds, yeah, you're right. That sounds cold and callous and hardened and awful. And I also kind of get it.

Speaker A [00:33:46]:
And that was such a turning point for me because I wasn't dragging it out of him and he wasn't posturing that, yes, but. He was deeply telling me his experience. And because he was telling me his experience, I could understand it and feel it too. He wasn't covering or managing or, you know what I mean? He just naturally explained. And I thought, well, there it is. I didn't like that. I didn't want to hear that. I don't want to remember that.

Speaker A [00:34:27]:
But I also know it's true. And there was something that was just strangely comforting about it in a way. I mean, it hurt. Don't get me wrong. It hurt. But it also gave me something true to stand on. It gave me that knowledge that he was really in. He was really in.

Speaker A [00:34:54]:
This was really over, and he had found his integrity again. He had found his integrity again. He was so clear That he could just say, yeah, this is what I did and this is why. And it makes me sound like a selfish, manipulative jerk. And I would so much rather have a partner who is willing to say that and that we can both confront and stand on this painful truth than to be comforted by something that's not real. I don't wanna be placated. I want to know what's true. And it was such a beautiful way of giving me a window into his lived experience.

Speaker A [00:35:47]:
So what I wanna ask you is, how do you want this truth experience to go? Because yes, the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. And it pisses me off that we're even here in the first place. You know, it pisses me off that I have to be doing this show. But maybe you don't need to know everything. Maybe you need to know more. Maybe you feel like you already know too much. But what would it be like for you to live in a place where you're not replaying conversations in your head? What would it be like to not need another answer in order to have a good day? Do you know how many people I talk to and they're like, it was a good day until I heard this song. It was a good day until I saw this note.

Speaker A [00:36:41]:
What would it be like just to have a good day? You know what I mean? Not to be knocked off your center because of something you hear or see or something that somebody else does. To hear something that you don't like and to not abandon yourself or to question yourself anymore, to do kind of like what I did. Ouch, that hurts. And oh my God, that sucks. And yikes for you. And to feel the ick, but not have it change my view of myself, not have it pull me so off-center that now I can't have a good rest of the day because I'm traumatized by this new information. What would it be like to have that level of discernment? What information matters and what information really isn't going to change anything? Because sometimes we get locked in that pattern of asking and asking and asking, and when we can just step back and be like, does this matter? Does this matter? Why does it matter? I'm not telling you to silence your own voice. I'm not telling you to put up or shut up.

Speaker A [00:37:49]:
I'm not telling you to do any of that, but what I am asking you to do is realize, where am I retraumatizing myself? You know what I mean? Where am I going down a rabbit hole that doesn't need to be gone down? Where am I stuck in betrayal recovery? Because about half the people that I work with come to me because they've gotten stuck. Somewhere in betrayal recovery, and they're like, I can't get through this. I can't let this go. I can't let it be. Okay, let's work through that. I can help you put behind you what needs to be put behind you. Take the lessons, glean the information, and move forward. I want you to be able to recognize truth when you encounter it.

Speaker A [00:38:38]:
To know what you believe, to know what you need, to know what you want, to come to that place where you can say, I don't know everything, but I know enough. And then eventually to be at that place where you're like, I know me. I know myself. And I can advocate on behalf of myself. I've got my own back. I've got my own emotions, my own thoughts, my own feelings, and I know how to have my needs met, how to meet my own needs, and how to ask for what I want. Because I really think the destination isn't Becoming the woman who has, like, successfully excavated every facet of betrayal and betrayal recovery. The goal, the destination, that real becoming is becoming the woman who can trust herself in the presence of uncertainty.

Speaker A [00:39:53]:
Can you right now sit with uncertainty and still be present in yourself? Can you sit with uncertainty and breathe through the anxiety? What are you doing to regulate yourself? If there's somebody who is pulling you off-center, how can you disengage? That was a big one for me. I would stay in it for so long, and I would like try to bring the other person around to my way of thinking. And now I'm like, whoa, I gotta take care of me first. If I'm with a dysregulated person, I know how long I can engage before I start getting wobbly in myself. And as soon as I'm wobbly in myself, that's when I need to back off and I need to use my own practices and tools to recenter myself. There is this gap. Between his truth and your truth, between his reality and your reality. And that's where the conversation really starts changing because at some point the most important truth stops being what he did, what happened between them, and it really becomes, what is true for me now? What is true for me now? How do I know what I know? How do I know that this is enough? I've mentioned this on this podcast before, but early on, I had an inner knowing that my story with Sean was not done.

Speaker A [00:41:34]:
I did not know what that meant, but I had an inner knowing that the story was not done. And there were things that I knew I genuinely needed to know, and there were things that I also knew Were just me spiraling and seeking out pain. And here's the big one, seeking ways to punish him. I'm gonna ask a really hard question and it's gonna make him uncomfortable, subconscious, of course. Do you know what is po— what needs to happen for reconciliation to be possible for you? Do you know what you need in order to have a good divorce? Can you tell me clearly what you are and are not willing to live with going forward? What you are and are not willing to tolerate? Can you tell me clearly what you are doing to state your boundaries and follow through on enforcing them? Can you tell me and articulate what you need and what you want? And here's a big one. What happens if He can never give you the answer that you're looking for? What happens if He can't give you the answer that you're looking for? What happens if you never get closure? What happens if it's the one answer you fear? Like, hard stop right there. What happens then? Because that is that moment we come to where we're like, okay, it is no longer about them. It's about me.

Speaker A [00:43:22]:
What is true for me? I don't need another answer. I don't need closure. I need to figure out what is true for me. So hard stop. What is true for you? And what happens if you never get the answers you're looking for? Now, if you're listening and you're listening to these questions and you're thinking, Laura, that's totally the problem. I don't know. I don't know what's true anymore. I don't know what I need to ask.

Speaker A [00:43:57]:
I don't know if he's really changing. I don't know if reconciliation is possible. I don't know if I wanna stay or go. Right now, I just, ugh, I don't even know. I don't trust myself. I'm afraid I'm gonna make the wrong decision. That is exactly the kind of thing I help women sort through. That's exactly it.

Speaker A [00:44:17]:
Like, I will help you figure this out. Go to introductorysession.com and book your private session with me. Here's my promise though. We are not gonna spend that hour diagnosing him. I'm not gonna tell you that you should stay or that you should go. We're starting with you. This is a call. This is a session that is about you, where you are, what you're dealing with, what you want, what you need to know, what your next steps might be.

Speaker A [00:44:53]:
Coming back to the Gloria Steinem quote, the truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off. Maybe that quote honestly means something a little bit different after betrayal. The truth about what your partner, what your husband did, it truly may have blown your life apart. You might still wish you could unknow some of it, that you could go back to before, but you can't unknow a betrayal. You can't unknow that betrayal. It's too profound. And when people say, what does healing mean? It means it's reaching a place Where knowledge, knowledge of that betrayal no longer destroys you. Where you can wrap your head around it, but not let it keep hurting.

Speaker A [00:46:04]:
Because perhaps the truth that ultimately sets you free isn't really about knowing every single detail. About what he said. It's being more certain and solid in what you believe and what you need and what you want and what you will and won't accept because you know who you are. So have I been betrayed? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Early on, did that knowledge feel like it was destroying me? Yes. But now I am free. I'm free, not just because I know everything that he did and said, but it's because I know that I can manage myself going forward.

Speaker A [00:47:02]:
I'm free because I know how to regulate My emotions. I'm free because I know how to ask the hard questions. I'm free because I know how to sit in my own discomfort. You know, I'm free because finally I'm doing things to help me. I'm free because I finally know what to do and because I'm not afraid to do it. And I definitely want to say more about not being afraid to do it. For so long, I sought permission. And I thought I was like more of a woman, more of a better person if I didn't need that outside help.

Speaker A [00:47:50]:
And betrayal brought me to my knees. And it really taught me that. Not only do I need help, it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to spend resources on myself. I mean, early on, I remember looking at an Airbnb because I thought I just need to get out of here, and then thinking I could never spend that much money on an Airbnb for myself. And I mean, I look back now and I look at like my fear that I can't do this for me, I mean, so much to say around that, but first of all, take care of yourself. You need what you need. Whether it's something financial, if you need to break into some sort of savings account and use it, that's what it's there for.

Speaker A [00:48:46]:
And it took me so long to realize, like, this is the crisis I've been waiting for. You know what I mean? I've got a friend with cancer right now who's had to cash out her 401 for treatment. And I'm not saying cash out your 401 for betrayal recovery unless you need it. Take care of yourself by doing what you need. And obviously be smart. But at the same time, I look back and I think, why was I so resistant to getting help? Why did I think I needed permission to go spend a few nights in an Airbnb? Why was I concerned about the cost of therapy? Why would I sit there and be like, oh my gosh, $300 an hour every week. This is like, why was I resistant to that? If you're hurt, you need help. If that help costs time or money or resources or inconveniences somebody, so be it.

Speaker A [00:49:45]:
When you're bleeding out, you have to stop the bleeding. And I mean, on the flip side, let's talk about the cost of divorce. It's really expensive. I'm not saying take care of yourself in hopes of preventing the divorce because you wanna save money, but what I am saying is do what you need along the way, whether that's a divorce consultant, whether that's counseling, whether that's hiring me as your guide, whether that's sending your partner to live somewhere, whether that's you Taking a vacation for a week because you need some time off. Do what you need to take care of yourself. Yes, it's inconvenient in the short run, but in the long run, you're going to save so much time and so much emotional energy because you're going to heal faster. So yeah, what is the truth that will set you free? Because for me, it wasn't just knowing the truth about betrayal. It was knowing the truth about myself.

Speaker A [00:50:50]:
It was knowing the truth about how I always sacrificed myself, how I always spent the resources on everybody else and not me. And the truth was, it's my time and my time is now, and this is about me. And now I am gonna take the time and the resources and the energy to shore me up because I want to become the kind of person Who is okay and who knows she can be okay. And that is what I want for you. Now, before we go, I have 2 quick asks from you. Number one is if this podcast has helped you through betrayal, please make sure that you're subscribed. And if you would please leave me a quick comment or review, It doesn't have to be profound. Even just one sentence about what this show has meant to you can help another woman who needs this kind of support.

Speaker A [00:51:48]:
And then my second ask is, if you are tired of trying to figure out what's true, if you're tired of holding this all by yourself and you don't know what to do with all of this pain and anger and stress, please book your private introductory session with me. introductorysession.com. We will start with where you are. We will figure out where you want to be, and I will help you figure out what you need to do to get there. So as usual, have an amazing week and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.