How to Make Decisions After Infidelity When Every Choice Feels Wrong

Lora Cheadle (00:00.11)
If you have ever felt like every single decision that you could make after betrayal carries this enormous risk of ruining your entire future, train wrecking your life, and blowing apart your family, then this episode is for you. If your mind is or has constantly raced ahead.

Catastrophized what might happen if you stay? What might happen if you leave? my god, what if I trust him and he cheats again? What if I wait and then I ruin the next 10 years of my life? What if I spend money and then I need it and my gosh, I'm tied into something else? What if I make the wrong choice? I can't make the wrong choice. Then this episode is for you. I'm Laura Cheadle. I am a former attorney, turned betrayal recovery advocate.

And I help women recover themselves after betrayal so they can separate what's real from what fear is predicting, so they can trust what they know, and ultimately so they can make decisions that they can live with and be happy with going forward. And today we're going to talk about decision making.

We're going to talk about what happens when hypervigilance, which is the result of betrayal trauma, gets in the way. When you get into that mindset of thinking, well, I'm just being really, really careful and really, really thoughtful, but in reality, you are in a state of freeze. And we're going to really talk about how you can move forward and rebuild your life, even in the face.

of uncertainty. I want to start by sharing a story that happened to me. And like my betrayal story, it was a story that was not a lot of fun to live through. And I really didn't think that there could be any good that came out of it. But now that I'm on the other side, I can see how beneficial it really is. Okay, about a year ago, about exactly a year ago,

Lora Cheadle (02:21.629)
We came home from a wonderful trip away. My husband and I were connected, we're at the beach, we're having this glorious time, and we come home and we're still in that post vacation glow, and everything is wonderful. And the sewer backs up. And when I say the sewer backs up, I mean it exploded our toilet on the main level, which meant that all of the sewer water dripped into the basement, which isn't above.

ground basement where my office is, where my entire like sanctuary is. And it destroyed two levels. And then worse, that was traumatic enough because my gosh, it we were blindsided by it. We weren't expecting it. We weren't preparing for it. We have always treated our home well. And it was like, wait, how did this happen? To make it worse, the company who came in

Did so much more damage. They took down ceilings, they took down walls. I came home after they were supposed to do the small cleanup, and my house was gutted. I mean, literally. And it sent me into this huge tailspin that felt so much like the betrayal trauma. And I was crying and I was shaking and I couldn't wrap my head around it because I felt so violated. And it was interesting because there were so many similarities.

You know, it was my home had been violated. I trusted my home, my home was my sanctuary. My marriage had been violated. I trusted my marriage. My marriage was the sanctuary. So there were so many parallels. And then what happened is it was time to rebuild. And yes, rebuilding is hard. Rebuilding is ridiculously hard.

Especially when it's not something you are prepared to do. And I had to rethink paint and carpet and flooring and curtains and like all of these different things and types of wood and and if we were going to extend the hard wood because we had talked about that earlier, or if we were just going to replace it now and then replace the carpet, or if we were gonna tear out the carpet and do all the hard wood and and then that led into the stairs, and are we gonna do carpet on the stairs or hard wood on the stairs?

Lora Cheadle (04:44.898)
And it was like one thing that led to the next, and it was overwhelming. And on the one hand, I wanted it done. I needed it done. And then on the other hand, I needed time. And it was like I can't have both time to get all of this taken care of and to have this done all at the same time.

And then what I started noticing was this instinct to recreate what had been damaged. I had a carpet sample of my original carpet and I started searching for it. It was like, I will replace it with my exact same carpet. Which of course they don't make anymore because that carpet was like fifteen years old. And then it was like, I will replace it with the same color paint. And again, qual paints had gone out of business and I didn't even have a swatch for that.

And then I started thinking: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is not about recreating the old house. I decorated and designed and painted my house myself when I was a young mom. When my kids were little, they would go to preschool for half a day and I would paint for like those three hours that they were gone. I designed this house and these colors and this carpet.

As a young mom who was raising two kids, I'm an empty nester now. A lot of time has moved on. My house no longer reflects me. I get to build the house that I want. I get to build the life that I want. And instead of being exciting and empowering, I'm just gonna be honest, that was terrifying.

Because it it brought up in me, what do I deserve? Who am I now and what do I deserve? And I went through this really weird cycle of like, well, I will find the cheapest carpet that I like, and I will find the cheapest paint, and I will do all of this myself. And and then I would start fighting, but wait a minute, Laura, this carpet, I actually think it was more like 18 years old.

Lora Cheadle (07:02.336)
It lasted you 18 years. That's almost 20 years. You're 57 now. That means you will probably have this current carpet until you're 77. Can you just get something you like? You're not raising kids anymore. It's just you and your husband. It's probably gonna last forever. This is probably the last carpet you will get. And same thing with paint. You're probably gonna repaint again. And

Get something that you like. And you're ordering little curtains on Amazon, get ones that you like. This is not a time to nickel and dime yourself. If you like the curtains that are $30 more, I bet you can find a way to get those curtains. It's not about A, rebuilding the old or B making do. This is not about making do. It is about doing what you want.

And I mean obviously within reason, but it's not about what can I live with? It's not about the lowest minimum standard that I can tolerate. It's about creating something that I love that reflects me now.

Lora Cheadle (08:24.716)
And that was a lie.

I was turning the remodel into this attempt to look back and guarantee for myself that I could say I made no wrong choices. I did nothing wrong. I did it all perfectly. Like I was putting this pressure on myself. And at the same time, I was putting this other pressure to do it right so I didn't what? Disappoint other people?

So I didn't have to fess up and say, you know what, I didn't really like that after all. Like what were those mental gymnastics that I was doing? And what was it really related to?

And I really saw that what it was related to was my past programming, my self-worth. Did I indeed deserve a home that I loved? Do I indeed deserve a marriage that I love?

Do I deserve things that make me happy and comfortable? And do I have to justify them? Because justifying things is really just a fancy way of like arguing against yourself and trying to prove to yourself that you're not worthy. And it was like, I don't have to justify what I like or don't like. It's my house, it's my money, it's my remodel.

Lora Cheadle (10:03.2)
And I can make those decisions internally for myself.

Do you see some of yourself in my story? Have you ever done something like that? Are you still doing something like that now with your marriage? Are you still fighting against yourself, saying, Well, I can tolerate this? I can live without that. You don't know how many people I've talked about who say things like, Well, I can live without physical affection, and I can live without, and you're like, whoa, but do you want this?

Well, I can live without an emotionally present partner. I can live without of course you can. We all can. Like basic sustenance, that's pretty low. But why would you? Why would you choose to live with less when you can have more?

Now, before we move on, I want to say betrayal trauma creates hypervigilance. Hypervigilance tries to analyze every possible outcome in an attempt to keep you safe so you can never be blindsided again. And I want to speak to that because it's real. We don't want to move forward and make bad decisions.

We don't want to be hurt again. We want to protect ourselves from pain. But there's a fine line between I want to be safe and not protect myself from pain and living in a hyper-vigilant state where I am not willing to whisk, willing to whisk, willing to risk anything.

Lora Cheadle (11:57.187)
And that's a question that I really want you to sit with. Are you really in a protective stance right now?

Or are you willing or ready to start softening, to start doing some of that internal work?

And to start allowing yourself to receive.

Now, what I want to move into is asking you, what are you actually afraid of?

This is an important thing to analyze because when we start challenging ourselves and our brains and asking, like, what are we really afraid of?

Lora Cheadle (12:52.576)
It gives us such good information. For example, when my dad growing up would try to motivate me, he would say, Don't screw it up, Laura. So I'd go for an audition. I'd go for a test. I'd, you know, go for something. And as I would leave, and he said it kind of jokingly, but also kind of serious too. He'd say, Don't screw it up. Great, you're going to take the ACTs, don't screw it up.

You're going to audition for a play, don't screw it up. And it was like his way of saying, good luck. Do your best. But it was that joking, don't screw it up. Well, I bet you can guess what my inner dialogue became as I grew up. It became don't screw it up. Don't screw it up. Well, what's the presumption behind that that you will screw it up? The presumption is that

Everything that I do is a screw up, and I have to cons consciously choose not to screw it up. Well, as I started unpacking that, it was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He was joking. That was his way to motivate me. I wasn't a screw-up, but I wore that label of I am a screw-up. So I have to do more to compensate for that because that's who I am. That's who my parents told me I were. That's who who I my dad told me I was.

So I have to compensate. So is it any wonder that I spent many years as an overachiever? No. But break that down. What was I afraid of? I'm afraid of screwing up. Okay, great. What happens if you screw up? nothing? You know what I mean? To break that down.

Whether it's childhood or adulthood, what happens if I screwed up the ACT? What happens if I screwed up the audition? Maybe I don't get the part. Maybe I have to take the test again. Like, really, nothing happens. Even playing the scenario out, what happens if you screw up the ACT and for some reason you can't take it again and you can't get into the college you want?

Lora Cheadle (15:16.45)
Are there other colleges you can get into? Probably. Could you transfer into the into the college of your dreams later? Probably. Like the answer to that is nothing catastrophic will happen.

I want to be honest that sometimes there are decisions that we have to make where something catastrophic could happen. But I also want to point out that truly they are fewer and further between than our brain and our nervous system would have us believe. I mean, even look at my husband who cheated. Is that a bad decision? Yes.

Is there a bad consequence to that? Yes. Was he afraid to tell me? Yes. What was he afraid of? A lot. He's had to stand in it. He's had to go through it. He's had to do all of this other stuff. But he's still alive. He's still with me. We are still married. We are.

Arguably a lot happier and healthier now because of that bad decision. So all I'm asking is for you to recognize that the brain does tend to be hyper-vigilant, especially after betrayal. The brain likes to make predictions.

But in reality, your choices probably you have more choices than you realize. Your brain will tell you things will be certain. You will end up as a bag lady under a bridge. You will never find happiness again. my god, you will blow up your family. When in reality, those things probably won't happen.

Lora Cheadle (17:18.124)
So when you were trying to make a decision and you were analyzing your option and every option feels like it's going to lead to catastrophe, what you can do is let yourself know, wow, that's probably not true. This is probably my brain. Because I see no good option, it's probably my brain. It's probably not just that I have no option.

And I want you to challenge yourself, am I afraid of making a bad decision? And why am I afraid of making a bad decision? Where does that come from? Was there messaging in my past? Were there experiences in my past?

And then ultimately, doesn't this all come around to we don't want to prove ourselves right? And what I mean by that is our ultimate fear is that I can't trust myself. My ultimate fear is I am a screw up, I can't trust myself, I will do nothing right. So when I make a decision and it goes wrong, what's happened?

I've just proved myself right. You were right, Lori. You're stupid. You're a screw-up. You're bad. Instead of coming at it with a perspective, yes, there are good decisions, there are bad decisions, there are unanticipated decisions. I still can make decisions, but it doesn't mean anything about me. I can make good decisions and I can make bad decisions, and it doesn't mean anything about me.

Do you feel that? You are good and you are capable no matter what. And whatever decision you make, and whatever comes from that decision, you can handle the fallout of that.

Lora Cheadle (19:14.638)
I mean when you're thinking, if I stay, will I waste 10 more years? If I leave, will I destroy my family? If I give grace, am I gonna look like a fool? If I set a hard boundary on this one, am I gonna ruin my chances of reconciliation? If I invest time and money and energy into my support, what happens if then I need that money for a divorce?

And if I don't get support, what if I lose another year? What if I feel like this forever? What if it never gets better?

The deeper level under all of that is that your brain is trying to find a decision that guarantees that you'll never have regret, that you'll never ever feel shock or regret or humiliation or loss or helplessness or any of that. But no decision can guarantee that.

This is that shift into self-trust, into presence and awareness versus outcome. When we're focused on the outcome, I need a good decision, whatever that is. my gosh, we're gonna lose. Because even making the best decision in the world can sometimes go awry. It really, really can. But when we trust ourselves, we get to that place where.

I don't need to know exactly what is happening. I don't need to know exactly what the consequences are or what what what's gonna how this is gonna turn out. But I know that I can trust myself to notice, to respond, to gather more information, to invest in myself, to ask for help, to change direction, to make amends, and to choose again.

Lora Cheadle (21:05.324)
And that's that power of that self-trust. Making mistakes is okay. Screwing it up is okay. But when we begin from, I am a wise, healthy, whole, happy individual who might sometimes make mistakes and who might sometimes not, it changes the whole story versus.

my God, I'm a victim, and I've been betrayed, and I've been left, and I've been abandoned, and he does this, and he has all these controls, and I don't have anything left, and every mistake I'm gonna make is gonna have these horrible consequences, and it's all on me. And no. You are a strong, beautiful, wonderful, capable person. You've had this ridiculously awful thing happen, and you are doing you the best that you can with the information that you have in the moment, and you know what? Dang it, that is enough.

Thank you, hypervigilant brain, for trying to keep me safe, but I trust myself.

Lora Cheadle (22:08.667)
I trust myself. Say it with me. I trust my decisions. I feel my decisions with a whole body yes or a whole body no. And I trust that.

This is honestly, you were you were not alone. This is where so many women begin inside my six month rise and rain mentorship. They truly come in saying, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm gonna feel like this forever. My whole life has been ruined, and I don't know what to do. But think about what's going on under that. It's can I trust myself to know?

My whole world was shattered and I didn't know it. So, how how can I even trust myself going forward? And that's why we never begin by forcing a decision, especially a decision like, are you gonna stay or are you gonna go? We begin by helping you learn how to regulate, to fill you with the truth of who you are and what you're capable of.

So you can separate fear from reality. So you can separate your labels, your roles, the scripts from who you are now, reconnect you to who you are and what you know, and really recover your ability to choose without abandoning yourself.

And interestingly, this is something that I think many of the women are like, whoa, this goes back to before the betrayal. I gave away my power in a career, in another relationship, with my family, with my friends. And wow, the betrayal was just the catalyst to bring me back home to who I was and who I let go of years before this relationship.

Lora Cheadle (24:07.488)
I know. If that makes you feel like crying, I get it. Because that slap in the face sometimes of like, how did I get here? How did I get here? Is just a lot. Okay. Now I want to roll into the idea of rebuilding the self, just like I was talking about rebuilding my house during the remont.

You can rebuild your old marriage, you can rebuild your own self, you can rebuild all of that and create the exact same life that you had before. It took me a long time, both in infidelity and in my sewer explosion remodel, to admit to myself that things weren't as perfect as I said they were.

Early on, I just kept harping on in myself and to others and to anybody else who was listening. But we had the perfect marriage and we had so much fun together. Life was so great. I loved it all. And yeah, a lot of that was true, and a lot of that wasn't true. There were so many times I felt unseen, unheard, emotionally neglected, not supported. I was carrying the whole emotional load.

Of the entire relationship, he would tune out, he would get defensive, we would have miscommunications, like all of this stuff would happen, and I just didn't want to admit it because I didn't really know what to do about it. So I just glossed over it. And it was the same thing with the remodel. You know, I was so focused on I wanted my same carpet and I wanted my same paint and I wanted the same layout.

And then when I started actually shopping for new carpet, it was interesting. My my old carpet, I forget what it was made out of, but it was like a fake berber. And it was this really scratchy material, but it was really dense. And I taught fitness in my studio. This is the carpet that's in my office in my studio. I had taught fitness for years down here. And I had kids and dogs and animals. So I needed that really dense, almost indoor-outdoor, strong type of carpet.

Lora Cheadle (26:26.284)
And that's what I was looking for, was this strong, dense, scratchy carpet. And then I started looking at all of these plush new carpets. And it was like, wait, I could have something that's soft and cushy under my feet? What what do you mean? Huh? Mmm, there's something better. And and it's not about like admitting that I made a mistake picking the first carpet. It worked well for me.

During that phase of my life. It's not that I was lying or tolerating too much in the marriage, but wow, there were things that worked in that phase of my marriage that aren't gonna work going forward. So it's that admitting: I have changed, he's changed, they have changed, the situation has changed. And then moving into that creative space instead of the protective space.

In my house situation, the walls were already open, the structure was already gone, and it truly was not about recreating the old. And it was hard because I had so much space to work with in a way, and it was like, I don't know. But what I know for sure is familiar does not mean it's automatically right. Cheap does not mean it's automatically the most wise decision. Practical

Does not automatically mean it's aligned with who you are and where you're going. So start asking yourself what you want.

Lora Cheadle (28:06.334)
Stop asking what is the smallest and safest and most defensible choice and start asking, what do I want? That is the last phase, phase four of my rise and rain program, re-choreograph. And it gets into the depth and the beauty of what do I want and what is possible for me. And what I want is what I want because I am me.

I am the person who lives here. I am the person inside of this marriage. This is my life. And I am responsible for creating and managing my life. Not in a sense of entitlement, like, and you will give this to me. But in a sense of sovereignty and agency and beauty. And speaking of beauty, I've got another couple stories for ya. Okay.

Some of you might know my youngest son recently got married and it was really, really excited. excited, exciting. He was excited and I was excited and it was exciting. But one of the things that I wanted to lean into for the photos, for the event, for all of that, was making myself look good. You know, because it feels good to look good. And I feel like there's

I don't want to say a lot that I've let go of, but there's a lot of habits. Like I work out. I work out all the time. I teach fitness, but I teach at a level that's comfortable. I don't push myself the way that I could if I wanted to make gains. So I thought, hmm, I'm gonna lean into my fitness. I'm gonna push myself a little bit more because I want to build more muscle. I want to look like a badass and I wanna look good.

And I usually color my hair myself. Yeah, I can be a little cheap around that, but also just the convenience. You know how it is when you have gray roots and you're like, really? I cannot go to the salon like every two months to touch at my roots. I'm not I don't have the time or the energy and I don't like it and I don't enjoy it. So I just got my hair all completely done, cut, colored, everything.

Lora Cheadle (30:25.55)
I even got a facial and I did the little derma plane so my makeup would go on really smooth. And then I had this wild idea that I was gonna get a spray tan. And I thought this is gonna be fun. I don't think I'd had a spray tan for 20 years, and I think I had only done one once way early on. So I went to this place in the neighborhood and I got a spray tan, and I was like, I love this. This is really fun. I look great, I look healthy and happy and

And it's safe on my skin. And then I found out this taming studio also has red light booths. And I was like, ooh, red light. I keep hearing all this great stuff about red light. And of course, they have a membership where you can go and you can do your red light booth and you can do your infrared sauna and you can do your spray tan. And I was just so, so loving it. And I just

Signed up for a membership. It was one of those, see, I I was about to justify it. I was about to justify it. I was about to say it was one of those deals where they waive the membership fee, the membership setup fee if you sign up right there. So I signed up, which was me justifying it. I was intrigued by it. I loved the feel of the salon. I have read a lot about red light. I wanted to do it because I wanted to do it. And

Just that, I started justifying it in my mind. I started justifying how a spray tan is healthier than the sun. I started justifying that if I take care of my body now and my skin and my body now, I'll actually be healthier and h like I started going through all of this mental justification. And then when I got home, I was all happy and I called my mom and I was like, have you ever heard about red light therapy? And this is so cool and I'm having so much fun. And she said to me, and you know what? Because you're making money, you can do this.

And her phrase, her saying that, shifted something in me. And I was like, urch, yes, that's the problem. Like, yes, that's the problem. Because that's that justifying it. Because I'm making money, I can do it. Not necessarily. Like, even if I wasn't making money and my husband was supporting me and I wanted to do this.

Lora Cheadle (32:51.168)
I should be able to do it for me. And that's when I started thinking, why am I justifying it to anybody or to myself? I want to try it. I'm an adult. I can try it. You know what I mean? I don't need anybody's permission. I don't need somebody out there to say it's worth it, it's not worth it, that's a good decision, it's a not a good decision. If you go at least three times a week, then you're gonna break even. But like urch, stop, no go, none, don't need that. I want it.

It's not sending me into bankruptcy. It's not that expensive. And I want it for me. And I decide when I gotta start the membership, and then I gotta decide when I'm done using it too. And I gotta decide if I want to pause it or keep going. And I get to decide to decide if I like my tan light, medium, or dark because it's my body and it's my spray tan. You know what I mean? It's kind of a funny thing, but it shifted.

That understanding in my mind that that idea of making it worth it and justifying it is really hyper-vigilance dressed up as responsibility. I am responsible. Let's go to that label. I am responsible. I'm not gonna screw things up intentionally. So the default is that the decisions that I make will be responsible. The default is that the decisions that I make are good. Periodically.

Would I be irresponsible? Sure, I'm human. Periodically, would you be irresponsible and screw things up? Of course, you're human too. But it's not about making every decision life or death or a permanent like experience or having to justify it. You can try things, you can enjoy things, you can assess things along the way, you can continue, you can stop, you can change your mind.

You can do something different later. Self-trust is not guaranteeing that every choice and every decision you make is inherently worthy. Like, what is that anyway? It's trusting yourself to choose, to experience, to reassess, and to choose again along the way.

Lora Cheadle (35:10.722)
And I want to lean into that whole beauty concept a little bit more too, because I was talking about, you know, the red light and my spray tan and all the things that I did. When I remodeled my home, I want my environment to be beautiful. I want it to be beautiful. I want my body to feel beautiful, whether it's my strength or my hair or my makeup or products that I like. It's

Trying the spray tan and looking at my body and being like, woo, I love how I look. It's enjoying my time in the red light booth. It's it's not about that perfection outer standard of beauty. I mean, even as I'm recording this, if you're if you're not watching the YouTube, you should hop on YouTube and see how I look. I just got out of a shower. My hair has like been blow-dried and it's all floofy. It's great. I feel beautiful today. I

Feel beautiful. I worked out and took a shower. Do I look objectively great? No. I just have on a little makeup and an old dress and like undone hair. But I feel beautiful. I feel powerful. I feel strong. I feel accomplished. And that's what I mean by beauty. And that's that's the transformation.

that I lean women into, that I guide women into through rise and rain. How do you stand in that beauty? How do you have that beauty within and without? Beauty, it's not how do I say that? Beauty isn't like a method of healing. It's not about more to do and to look and if you only lose five pounds, then you're gonna be healed. It's like nothing that like that.

Beauty and loving yourself and loving your surroundings and looking better and feeling better and having your glow-up moment is evidence that you've come back to life.

Lora Cheadle (37:18.712)
Feeling good and looking good is evidence that you have come back to life and it's evidence that you healed. One of the things that I tell my people to do in Rise and Rain, and sometimes just when we're working on one-on-one sessions, to do also is I have them do things in their house that they like. I started buying myself flowers.

Early on, I got new sheets. I was like, I don't want, even though nothing happened in my bed, I need new sheets. I need new sheets. I need to start fresh. I rearranged some things in my house. And weirdly, I got new dishes. And it was just like those little things that signified to me and to my mind and to my life that it's different now. Because I use the dishes every day. I sleep on the sheets every night.

I'm just rearranging, updating. I would smell the flowers. I would get one of those bouquets from the grocery store. They were like 15 bucks. And I would put one or two in a little vase on my bathroom counter. And then I would put the rest in the kitchen. And they last forever. But it was like I would look at them and I would smell them and I would appreciate it. And it brought beauty to me at a to a at a time in my life when there wasn't a lot of beauty. And it's like,

I'm no longer treating myself and my life as a crisis to manage. You know what I mean? Yes, I can manage things along the way because I am capable, because I can trust myself. Because I can navigate after a decision implodes on me. Beauty is a way of participating in your own life again. It's not superficial.

High standards don't necessarily mean you're a perfectionist. Having high standards, creating beauty, making choices for yourself, it means that truth matters. It means that your emotional safety and joy matters. It means that feeling beautiful matters. my god, it does. Were you like me? Did you just feel like the haggard, old, ugly, tired? Like betrayal takes that out of you, man. Pleasure.

Lora Cheadle (39:36.235)
matters feeling the sun on my skin going on walks working out to the point where I was sweating and pushing and going that that was the kind of pleasure that mattered to me working on my business mattered taking care of things for my kids mattered because the thing is your body gets a vote your spirit gets a vote like it's not just I'm leaning into betrayal recovery and it's also heavy and dark and hard

When you can come back to life and lean into all of those higher level emotions, it actually makes the healing go much quicker. And sometimes people will say that to me too. Part of Rise and Rain, you get a weekly email. In that weekly email, you have a joy practice. You have like something to think about. And when we do rise and rain, you voxer me. We talk to each other every day.

People just share their thoughts with me, their feelings. And that's one of those things in the emails, too. I'll be like, talk to me about this, talk to me about that. What are you afraid of? What are some of the labels that you're wearing? Where do those come from? What would really happen if? And it's this undoing and revealing and empowering of who you really are. Because

Lora Cheadle (41:03.25)
Not terrible is not the standard. You know what I mean? Not crying every moment is not the standard. You get higher standards than that. You get much higher standards than that. You deserve so much more. And here's how I want to bring that one home. Have you ever shopped for a house? I want you to think about shopping for a house.

You figure out what part of town you want the house to be in. You figure out like, am I a city person or a suburban person, or am I like a farm and country or mountain person or lake person? Like when you're shopping for a house, it's where you live. You live in your house just like you live in your marriage. Just like my sewer explosion in my marriage brought up so many of the same things. So when you're shopping for a house, location, location, location.

And then you have your list of non-negotiables. Like it's gotta have a strong foundation. There's got to be some structural integrity there, unless you are like, nope, I'm gonna buy and totally rebuild it. You have your basic standards. like windows, the direction that it faces. I live in Colorado. When we face the north, it's ice and snow out front forever. I didn't want to face north. Flow in the house.

What can or cannot be renovated? If you're moving into a house with five-foot ceilings, you probably can't renovate those. You have to figure out what are your preferences, what are your non-negotiables. Do you need three bedrooms minimum? Do you need two and a half baths? Minimum. You don't buy a house with a collapsing foundation because you love the kitchen. But at the same token, you don't reject

A structurally sound house in the location that you want because you hate the paint.

Lora Cheadle (43:05.056)
After betrayal, this is what you are tasked with doing. And it can be so hard. You're tasked with figuring out what are my non-negotiables in life and what can be adjusted or fixed, not by me fixing them, but what can be navigated and managed. And what are some of the things that, you know what? I would have loved to have that, but it's really not that big of a deal.

The hypothetical non-negotiables, your hypothetical structural issues, no more lying, no more contact with the affair partner, no emotional, physical, mental abuse, no more manipulation, no more refusal to take responsibility or refusal to seek help. We're not just brushing this under the rug and going on. No more financial deception.

But then there's some things that maybe are negotiable. Imperfect ways of communicating, or apologies that take a little bit longer than you wish. Mistakes, genuine mistakes, genuine screw-ups that also result in learning. Different healing speeds. There's gonna be plenty of times you want your partner to go faster.

And they're not there, and there's going to be plenty of times they want you to go faster, and you're not there. Skills can be developed and learned. Discomfort comes with real change. After betrayal, a hyper-vigilant nervous system, a nervous system that has experienced betrayal trauma, can make everything look like a cracked foundation. And learning discernment.

Is what matters. That's why getting help can be so important because you can run things by people. Is this catastrophic? Do I need to walk out today? Or do I just need to go sleep on the couch because we're having some stress?

Lora Cheadle (45:20.192)
This again is that deeper level of work. It's not about the big decisions. Do I stay? Do I go? It's about learning how to not endlessly analyze in a way that keeps you stuck in the story of the affair. It's about how to make peace with what happened, what he did, what you can tolerate, what you want to create going forward, how to have that discernment and level of self-trust.

What is actually happening? Holding your standards, reconnecting with your wisdom, deciding what kind of life and relationship you want to create going forward now that this sewer has exploded in your own marriage. And if you've listened to the shows for the last couple of weeks, you know the four steps of the life choreography process are regulate how to stop feeling like you're in immediate danger.

Number two, reorient how to separate truth from catastrophic predictions. Number three, reconnect. Recover your preferences, your values, your desires, your body, your voice, your wisdom, all of that. And then number four, re choreograph how to create what comes next. So

If you haven't listened to those two episodes, go back and listen. And while you're there, please like, subscribe, share the episode if you know somebody who is going through it. And if you don't know somebody personally, please leave a review about why you find this podcast helpful because it helps other people tune in and get the help that they need. Okay, almost, almost home on this show. There's just a couple of quick things that I want to leave you with.

The first thing that I want to say is staying and leaving are both acts of creation. They're both acts of re-choreographing your life. And I think sometimes we get stuck in that mental place of staying means I'm weak. Leaving means I'm strong. You know, or staying means that I've saved my marriage, and leaving means I've destroyed it.

Lora Cheadle (47:45.709)
And I want you to really practice taking the story off of that. And instead asking yourself, what kind of marriage do I want to create? You know, because maybe the marriage you've got can be recreated. Maybe it's more like doing a little bit of the remodel and updating the paint. And maybe you're like, you know what? This metaphorical.

Condo in the city is not what I want. I want an acreage in the farm, in the farmlands. So it's giving yourself a chance to create anew. And when you can break out of the stories of what it means, all it means is you're creating something that's different. Does it need to be structurally different or can it just be a remodel? But I really want you to think about what does being honest with yourself look like?

What does asking for the time that you need, asking for the support that you need, what does that look like?

Going forward, what kind of intimacy, emotional safety, do what kind of marriage do you want? What kind of fun do you want to have? And then I tell my people this too. If you are leaving, what are you leaving towards? Because I don't ever want you to flee from something and not knowing what you're moving into. If you are leaving the marriage because you were moving into freedom,

Into joy, into safety, then yes. But if you are leaving it because I don't know what else to do, and you're trying to run away, it's not going to, I don't want to say it's not going to work, but it's so much harder. You need to be moving into something. Always be running towards something instead of away from.

Lora Cheadle (49:45.763)
And I can't tell you how often we have that conversation on Boxer. What are you moving towards? What are you moving away from? How can you find something to move towards so that you are in a creation mode instead of a protective mode?

How do you want to feel every morning when you wake up? How do you want to feel falling into bed at night? What kind of a home do you want? Like zen and peaceful or cozy and flowery? What are the relationships that you want surrounding you? This is about creating that beautiful life. And what can you do to move towards that?

Beautiful life. Not to make the best of life after betrayal because plan A fell apart. But it's to create a life that suits you now, that is beautiful and honest and fully yours. So that really the organizing principle, the filter question of what you do is do I want this? Kind of like me with my house. Do I want gray carpet?

Do I want sparkly paint? Do I want instead of I guess what I'll have to have is make the creation yours.

Make the creation yours.

Lora Cheadle (51:23.052)
And the last thing that I want to say is it's a fun tool. Have you ever played the game Would You Rather? It's like a card game, and what it does is it gives you all of these ridiculously difficult choices. Would you rather lose your hearing or lose your eyesight? Would you rather eat broccoli every day or braunschweiger every day? Would you rather never have chocolate or never have coffee?

Would you rather visit Hawaii or visit New England? Like all of these different choices. And sometimes people, of course, have a really strong preference, but usually it's like, my God, neither. The answer is neither. And it's a fun group game to play because it lets you in on other people's insights, but it also challenges you to go a little bit deeper and should truly think about that. Like, what would I really rather do and why?

And that's how I want you to think of betrayal recovery as this enormous game of would you rather?

Because not every option is going to be exactly what you want. So think about this. Would you rather stay in the marriage and continue hiding out in your bedroom, not feeling safe, and just really feeling sorry for yourself? But keeping your family together.

Or would you rather launch into the unknown, maybe struggle a little bit financially and have a difficult period of transition, but at least be happy every day in your bed alone?

Lora Cheadle (53:11.508)
Would you rather give this relationship another chance and have it completely train wreck? But then you know, whoa, there is no no cause for regret because I know that completely train wrecked. Or would you rather cut and run now and then maybe look back in a year and think, I wonder what could have happened?

And I know those are some pretty visceral questions there, but I challenge you in making your next decisions to kind of play that game yourself. Because no decision is perfect and no decision is without consequence. There will always be difficulty. There will always be that trade-off of one thing for another.

Lora Cheadle (54:06.902)
And when you just breathe and realize it's not you who's the screw-up, it's not you who's making the bad decision. Life is hard.

And what would you rather do?

Because none of us can make decisions that guarantee we will never feel regret or pain or surprise again.

How can you become the woman who remains present, cultivates beauty, responds, asks for support, changes course, and does not abandon herself? Your decisions do not have to be perfect. You just need to trust yourself enough to manage your life.

So again, if betrayal has turned your life into that endless series of catastrophic possibilities where nothing is ever gonna be good again and your life is totally ruined and you were exhausted from second guessing everything, I really truly from the bottom of my heart want to invite you to consider reaching out, working with me, whether it's my rise and rain partnership where we are together, and I mean together.

Lora Cheadle (55:32.792)
for six months or whether we just work with each other for a few sessions. Reach out. The best place to start is by going to introductory session dot com and just booking a ninety-seven dollar introductory session with me.

Again, I want you to know that you are inherently right and smart and capable and worthy. Of course you can make mistakes, we all do, but who you are is enough.

I thought after betrayal, after my sewer spill, that the goal really was to rebuild what had been destroyed. And eventually I realized I was allowed to create something entirely new and beautiful for me, something that had never existed before. And you're allowed to do that too. You're allowed to want more, you're allowed to have more.

You're allowed to be more, you're allowed to do something that is so outside the box. Betrayal changes everything, but it doesn't get to dictate who you become. You are smart enough. You're capable enough. Have an amazing week and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are. Because who you are is always more than enough.