The 4 Phases of Betrayal Recovery, Part 2: Are You Ready to Move On—or Waiting for a Perfect Solution?

Speaker A [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt: Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity or Betrayal, a podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Last week we talked pretty extensively about what phase of betrayal recovery you were in and how to recognize, were you in the regulate phase where you were learning how to regulate yourself, how to stay present with all of the immediate pain? With the discomfort, with perhaps your partner's complete dysregulation, maybe even, God forbid, with the affair partner hounding you, how to regulate. Or if you were in phase 2, which is reorient, reorienting yourself to a new reality, to a new place of being, to just a new world. Or if you had moved through that and you were finally in the reconnect phase where you were reconnecting with who you were before all of this happened, even more, you were reconnecting with who you were before you kind of lost yourself due to whatever it is— marriage, parenting, work, life, all of the things that kind of compress us. If you were in that reconnection phase of reconnecting with yourself, reconnecting with others, possibly with your partner, possibly with a new partner, maybe even just with friends, or if you were in the final stage, rechoreograph, where you knew fully where you were, who you were, and how to be present and regulated no matter what. And you were really busy planning out that next phase of your life. So if you haven't caught that episode, go back. It is part 1. It'll break down those 4 phases for you, and there'll be a lot of different questions and discussion so you can really figure out where you are at in the betrayal recovery journey.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:37]:
And because you'll already be there, please take a moment to subscribe. To like. And if you would, please leave a review because reviews first help the show get found. And then second, they really do tell prospective listeners what this show is about, what they can expect. And that is really more valuable than anything else. So today we're going to follow up by talking about how Ready am I? And what I mean by how ready am I, because you might be scratching your head thinking, ready for what? Ready to heal, ready to make decisions, ready to move on. Because something I hear over and over again from people is, why can't I move on? Why am I still stuck? And here's the million-dollar answer to that. Maybe because you're not ready.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:37]:
Let's just get real. Maybe you are stuck. Maybe you can't move on because you're not ready to move on. And I know that's one of those statements that's super simple and super profound at the same time, but are you ready? And how ready are you to move forward? And if you're not ready, what is it that's keeping you stuck? Is it something internal? Is it something external? Is that thing that's keeping you stuck something that's realistic, or is it something that you've built up in your mind that's completely not realistic? Something that you've catastrophized or something that you read on Facebook once? So that's what we're going to do today. We're going to talk a lot about readiness, a lot about certainty, a lot about subconscious patterning and protection mechanisms, which is one thing that does keep us stuck is that subconscious patterning. And we're also going to talk about the search for the perfect solution, which is such a trap that I see so often. In the women that I work with. They stay stuck because they're out there searching for the perfect solution, because they're afraid of being wrong, because there's a lot of uncomfortable truths that they know because they're smart, but they don't wanna see yet.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:13]:
So they're just kind of dancing around the edges. And then we're also gonna talk about in really concrete terms, The difference between surviving your life, surviving betrayal, and really creating that next chapter. Or what I do like to say is re-choreograph, re-choreographing your life, your identity, your future. Yes. This episode, like last week's episode, is a guided coaching episode. I want you to feel like you were in the room with me, whether it's the physical room or the Zoom room. I'm going to ask you some questions that might feel uncomfortable, not to shame you, not to like push you into making a decision, staying, leaving, whatever, but in service of helping you stop circling.

Speaker A [00:06:12]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:13]:
In service of helping you identify your next honest step forward, in service of maybe having you say out loud to yourself, I'm not ready. And the reason I'm not ready is I'm afraid. Or the reason I'm not ready is I don't like my options. Or the reason I'm afraid is, and we're going to get into this a lot, the devil I know feels safer than the devil I don't know. Because when we can get to that place of truth, truly, truly unvarnished truth, that's where the goodness happens. That's why the work that I do, the Life Choreography Method coaching, is so powerful because It reveals you. It takes away the judgment. It takes away the shame.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:11]:
It takes away where we're trying to sugarcoat things and in a loving way helps us see ourselves, our patterns, and pushes us to move forward and to move forward into something healthier. Happier and better. Sometimes I honestly will have people work with me for a while, and it becomes obvious that what they're asking me to do is help them live in an impossible situation, to help them feel good in a toxic relationship, to help them tolerate what is intolerable. And I really feel deeply and passionately that my work is to get them to see that they're worth so much more than that. That I understand why you might not want to leave or why you might not want to confront this, but you can't regulate your way out of a toxic or an unhealthy situation. It's about claiming yourself, your worth, your joy. And yeah, sometimes it is doing something scary. Sometimes it is leaping and just trusting that the parachute will open on the way down.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:45]:
So you were in the right place if you have ever said or thought something like, I just don't know what to do. Maybe you've said it to like that yourself, your partner, your therapist, your friends. Maybe you've even written about it in your journal. Like, I just don't even know what to do. Or it's 3 in the morning and you still can't sleep because you're spinning with all of these different thoughts. I don't know. Should I stay? Should I leave? Can I trust him? Can I not trust him? Oh my gosh, I know. Should I confront the affair partner? Maybe I should check phone records.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:15]:
Well, maybe I should hire somebody to follow him around. I don't know if this marriage can heal and is this going to work or not. I just don't know what I want. I just didn't know what to do. I don't want to blow things up. I don't want to hurt the kids. And I want you to know that your thoughts, like what you're thinking, they're not fake. What you're thinking is true.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:35]:
And sometimes you genuinely might not have enough information. Sometimes It is too early to tell. Sometimes you can't tell if your partner is actually going to change and show up differently because you're 2 weeks in and nobody can tell in 2 weeks' time. Sometimes you don't know if you wanna stay or not because wham, you're still in shock mode because you just found this out. How are you supposed to know?

Speaker A [00:10:08]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:09]:
So yeah, sometimes when you don't know, it's because you need more information. So that's my first question to you. Do you not know because you need more information? And what is the information that you need? As a lawyer, I think it is vitally important for you to have a consultation with an attorney. To find out what you might be entitled to, to find out, are you in an equitable distribution state, meaning in a divorce assets will get divided in a way that is equitable and fair as the judge might see it? Or are you in a 50/50 state where marital property is bam, pretty much split down the middle? Find out if you're entitled to maintenance. Find out how much child support you would get. Child support is statutory. Find out what your house payment is. Find out what you're paying for utilities.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:12]:
Do you need to renew a license? Do you need to go back to work? What could somebody like you make as an income? How long would it take to go back to school, to find a job? Start gathering some of that information. You don't need to figure it all out by next week, but start gathering information. So that's that first question. Do I have enough information? Yes or no? If the answer is no, then go get some information. The other reason that sometimes we get stuck is because we are too dysregulated to think clearly. We are not in the prefrontal cortex.

Speaker A [00:11:55]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:55]:
which is the rational, reasonable thinking portion of our brain. We are back in the survival portion of our brain. So how regulated are you? If you just got off a stressful phone call, if the affair partner just sent you a bunch of emails or forwarded you some images, now is not the time to make a decision. If you've just had a fight or a tough conversation with your partner, do not fly into decision-making mode. It's not going to go well. Figure out what you need to regulate yourself, to take care of yourself. Nap, sleep, eat, walk. If you're one of my clients, send me a Voxer or an email.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:44]:
Let's talk it through. Sometimes You need more information. Sometimes you just need to calm down so you can access your own brain. But here's the truth too. Sometimes we say, I don't know what to do. I really don't know what I want. When the deeper truth is we know, we just don't want to admit it.

Speaker A [00:13:14]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:15]:
Or we don't like the answer. We don't like the options. Sometimes we know, I might know my spouse has a porn addiction, a gambling addiction, an alcohol addiction that they are not confronting. I know that I can't change their behavior. I just don't wanna admit it because if I admit it, it means that I have to do something about it. It means that I have to start preparing for something that I don't want to have happen. If I admit it, it means that I don't have control. It means that I might need to end my marriage or I might need to move out temporarily.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:04]:
It means I might be in for something else. It might mean— Something that we're not ready to admit or to deal with. And that is so different from not knowing. We do know. I do know I'm not walking this path. I do know that I don't like my options. I do know that we're on a slippery slope right now.

Speaker A [00:14:35]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:36]:
And that things aren't looking good. Sometimes, you know, you can't continue living the way that you were living. Sometimes, you know, that this is not tolerable and that you deserve more and you want something different, but you're stuck in that loop of, I'm just gonna wait for them to change. I'm just gonna see what happens. And there's some tension in that. You can't know in the first 2 weeks if your partner is really going to be doing the work and changing. But how long are you going to give it? How long are you going to wait? How much of your life is going to get sucked away in the waiting? How much of your life is going to get sucked away waiting for somebody else to or not to come to the party? And that's hard because in our heads we can say, I know it's not going to get any better than this, but I'm also not ready to pack up and leave. I understand.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:52]:
How long are you going to be in this space? Are you going to be here a year? Are you going to be here for a decade? Because let me tell you, it is so easy to let a decade slip by and then to be in the position of being 10 years older and things are 10 years harder and you're 10 years more entrenched. I'm not rushing you to leave, but I also want you to be mindful If you're not ready, give yourself a deadline. Because otherwise, not making a decision is making a decision. And you're going to end up in a place that is probably not where you want to be. I know that might not be what you really want to hear. And I also wanna say, truly, I understand what it's like when your options aren't what you want. You could leave and things could just be different, and there would be things that are better and there were things that are worse. But the truth of the matter is it's unknown.

Speaker A [00:17:17]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:20]:
And I want you to notice what happens in your body when you think about that unknown future. Do you have thoughts that are rising up? You can't handle finances. You can't handle the car and the house. You're not gonna have a place to live. You will abandon your children. Notice, are there some catastrophic thoughts?

Speaker A [00:17:44]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:45]:
popping up in there. Or notice if there's like, it's going to be amazing. I'm going to lose the weight and I'm going to get all buff and I'm going to have one of those glow-ups that I see on Instagram and I'm going to meet the hottest guy in the world and we're going to have this amazing life. Notice which way your thoughts go. And right here, right now, what I want you to do is craft a more realistic version of what might happen. And I want you to craft this realistic version of what might happen, whether you feel like, hey, you know, we've worked through this and we're happily married, or whether you're like, we're in week 1 and I have no idea, because it is good for our brain to access different future timelines. It is good for our brain to move into that creative space. So think about moving out on your own and maybe working for the first time in a long time or working more at a different, more high-paying job.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:52]:
Think about maybe having to go back to school. Think about cooking for yourself. Think about how sometimes there's less of a load too because you're only dealing with your own stuff. Think about the peace at night, the quiet. Feel a relaxed nervous system because you're in your own space. And then also allow that feeling of, oh my gosh, what if I get lonely? There's no one to hang on to at night. There's no one to have conversation with. Think about the positives As well as the negatives.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:36]:
Notice what feels like relief and notice what feels like fear and let both parts be present. Crafting a future means crafting a future Where the excitement and the joy and the relief is equally as present as the stress and the pain. Because when we walk ourselves through scenarios like that, it helps us to know that we can handle it. When we mentally rehearse something, we prepare ourselves For the future because the brain does not know the difference between fantasy and reality. So if you are living out several scenarios in your head, your brain doesn't know the difference. It prepares and it categorizes and catalogs that experience as real. Now, as you do this, I also do want you to be a little bit realistic. Do not play out the scenario where you are a bag lady living under a bridge because I don't know you, but I also know that that's really not realistic.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:00]:
I know that you will probably not end up under a bridge sleeping on the pavement being a bag lady. I also am highly suspect that anybody would just walk away and meet their soulmate and they would just go into this amazingly perfect life. Without stepping back and doing the work. So yes, keep it a little bit realistic, keep it a little bit balanced, and that is step number 1 in making yourself ready. How do I get ready for change? You get ready for change by mentally rehearsing that change. Now, there is an established psychological model called the Stages of Change model. The stages of change are precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Precontemplation, that is, I'm thinking about change.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:02]:
I'm not really ready to do it. I'm thinking about thinking about it. Is that where you're at when I gave you That activity of visualizing change, visualize moving out, visualize doing something different. Were you like, oh yeah, I'll do that? Or were you like, oh, I'm not even sure what I would visualize. I'm not quite there yet. If you're not quite there yet, you're in that pre-contemplation stage. I'm not even willing to entertain Making a change versus contemplation. That's that mental rehearsal.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:45]:
What would it be like if I were to move out on my own? What would it be like if finances were on me 100%? Could that be exciting to learn about investing? Could that be stressful to not have a dual income? Contemplation is really thinking about what would it be like to Call Lora and set up a discovery call. What would it be like to just be like, I'm all in, this season is about me and I'm just hiring Lora and I'm doing it all. Contemplation is thinking about it. I love this person that I saw on Instagram. Let me just go stalk them for a while and see what they offer. That is that contemplation phase where you start serving the scene. Preparation is the next step. And I gave some examples of preparation earlier in the show.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:40]:
Seeing an attorney, finding out what you might be entitled to, looking at your budget, seeing what it costs to rent a place, to refinance your house. That's preparing. It's just taking steps. You're not committing to anything. You're just preparing. So if you're preparing to work with me, what might you be doing? I might start, okay, I need to set aside some money. Got it. It's just a monthly payment.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:12]:
It's not a big deal. Okay. What else might I do? I might start making lists of things that I'm stuck with. I might start making lists of places where I don't feel good. I might start really figuring out what do I wanna work with her on?

Speaker A [00:24:27]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:28]:
If I'm going to invest this money and this time, I want to make sure these questions get answered, these issues get addressed. Perfect. That's preparation. That next phase is action. Showing up and doing something. Telling your partner, I think I want a legal separation, or I've talked to an attorney. And I feel like divorce might be inevitable. Or here's what I need in this marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:04]:
Here are my non-negotiables. And if those non-negotiables are not met, I need to take care of myself. And here's how I will do that. Action is hopping online, booking the intro session with me, introductorysession.com, by the way. It's taking that action. It's not necessarily even committing to the whole thing, but it's taking the action. It's letting other people know, yeah, I'm here, I'm ready, I'm doing it. And then that last step in the stages of change model is maintenance.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:48]:
Because here's the thing, everything takes maintenance. Let me tell you, as I've aged, let me tell you how much maintenance it takes to have my gray roots touched up. Think about your car. Your car needs maintenance, brake pads, oil changes, fluid refills. We don't just go into something And then it's that way forever. We need maintenance. And sometimes people aren't honest about maintenance. While I really wish it hadn't been an affair that got us here, Sean's a better person, I'm a better person, and we've got a lot of better skills in our relationship because of it.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:39]:
And yet it still takes maintenance. We didn't just magically recover, close the book, and walk away. We still have to learn new skills. We still have to grow as humans. You know what I'm saying? Sean has done a lot of his trauma work, and it's been great. But let me tell you all the ways he could still get better. He can still learn better communication skills. He can be better at reflecting and showing empathy.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:15]:
He can be better at self-regulation. So he does work. He sees his counselor, his coach, his energy practitioners. He does work because of that. And same thing with me. I see my coach. I do my work. I hire people to support me because stepping into this new relationship, this new version of myself, requires maintenance and support.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:45]:
It requires new tools and skills. And let's be honest, sometimes a relapse or a sliding back happens because change is very rarely perfectly linear. Now, I had talked about boundaries earlier, and I wanna be clear on that too. There are some non-negotiable boundaries. If you have the boundary that you do not see your affair partner again, that is a boundary. I don't even wanna say it's okay to relapse, but it's more normal to relapse. It's more normal to fall into an unhealthy communication pattern. It's more normal To stop self-regulating and to lose control and to fly into a spiral.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:33]:
That's the kind of normal relapse I'm talking about. Not, oh, oops, I cheated again. Not okay. Hard line. So answer for yourself. Are you in the pre-contemplation stage? You're not even really sure if something needs to change, or you're just thinking it's about him. I just, I just need him to fix him.

Speaker A [00:28:54]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:54]:
He cheated. He just needs to do the work. Or are you burying your head in the sand? It's fine. We're just going to put it behind us. It's in the past. It's over. We don't need any help. I've got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:10]:
We're just going to keep listening to podcasts and discussing things. Or it's not really affecting us that much. I mean, it's a tough thing everybody goes through. That's the pre-contemplation phase. And here's the question: is there something you are minimizing because acknowledging it would require something of you? Is there something you're minimizing because acknowledging it would require something of you and you're just not ready?

Speaker A [00:29:45]:
For that.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:48]:
It's okay if you're like, yeah, that's kind of me. You're just in the pre-contemplation phase and you can own that. That's where I'm at. Contemplation, you know something needs changing. You're thinking about it. You're doing some listening. You're maybe researching a little. You're trying to understand.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:09]:
You're trying to figure out the why. What did this mean? What do other people do? Do other people stay and does it work? Contemplation is not wrong. It's part of the change. This is what I was talking about earlier. Do you have information near you? Do you need more information? This is so often that information gathering phase. But I also want to hold you accountable because this can become an endless loop. I just need one more course, one more certification, meet with one more lawyer. I need just one more different thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:45]:
So the question I want you to answer is, are you gathering information to prepare yourself, or are you gathering information to postpone doing something different? Are you gathering information to prepare yourself, or are you gathering information to postpone taking action? Okay, that 3rd step, preparation. You were in the preparation phase if you were saying things like, I don't entirely know how this is going to work out, but I just keep showing up. I just keep taking action. Might not have worked out so great with that first coach or with that first group that I was in, but I'm trusting the process and I'm signing up with you now. I'm ready to speak with someone. It's been really hard to tell my story, but fine, let me just dump it. I'm really ready to look at my finances. I'm downloading my bank statements.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:59]:
I'm getting access. Okay. I got this boundary thing. I'm ready to start establishing boundaries because I know what I won't tolerate anymore.

Speaker A [00:32:11]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:13]:
Tell me what support looks like because I can't live like this anymore. So tell me what support looks like. I might not want to spend the money. I might not want to take the time. That might feel really embarrassing, but I'm over feeling this way. I'm tired of just okay. I'm tired of surviving. I want to find myself again, and I want to feel happy.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:39]:
Here's my question. What is one step you can take without Without requiring yourself to know the entire outcome? What is one step forward you can take without requiring yourself to know the whole path or the whole outcome? Moving to that next phase, action. Action is where the information becomes behavior. Action is where the implementation takes place. Action is where the change happens. It's where you make The appointment. It's where you bite the bullet and you sign up. You have the conversation with your partner that you've been putting off.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:27]:
You practice your regulation tools. Maybe you call for a timeout for the first time that you've ever called for a timeout. Maybe you use breathwork in a way that you've never done it before. You enforce a boundary. You don't allow yourself to get sucked into a conversation. That is no good for anybody, you enforce the boundary and you lovingly walk away. It's where you stop checking the phone. It's where you call up your attorney and ask.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:59]:
It's where you apply for a job, or you reactivate your license, or you actually sign up for a class. My question to you is, what do you already know? That you have not yet been willing to practice? Now, this is a big one. I get that. It's that sense of shame that comes up. Breathe. Feel that. What do I already know that I have not yet practiced? I mean, that's a big one. I know.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:40]:
I know how to regulate myself. I know how to set boundaries. I know how to walk away. And yet I'm human. There's times where I pursue, there's times where I engage in a very not healthy way. There is a way, a time when I allow things to continue that I know I shouldn't allow to continue. There's times where I tolerate things I know I shouldn't tolerate. But I'm willing to start seeing those and to start looking at them and to claim, I know how to do this.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:15]:
I just haven't quite been willing to practice. And then maintenance, that maintenance phase is where new behavior becomes very familiar, not perfect, but just practiced. You're able to return to yourself more quickly. You recognize the pattern sooner. You stop abandoning your needs to preserve temporary peace. You ask the hard questions and you have the hard conversations. And if you're there, you'll be able to answer this. What has already changed in me that I'm not giving myself credit for? What has already changed in me that I'm not giving myself credit for? Celebrate you.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:03]:
What has changed?

Speaker A [00:36:04]:
Wow.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:05]:
The ways you've spoken up, the things that you're not tolerating. What has already changed? And then before we move on, I want to address that 2 steps forward, one step back. When you or your partner falls back into a default unhealthy habit, it truly does not mean that you have failed. It doesn't mean that it's all over, and it's really easy to catastrophize that. Here's the question that I want you to ask yourself. Am I truly back where I began? Are we truly back to where we were? Or am I meeting an old pattern with more awareness? Are we meeting old patterns with more awareness? And you know, if the answer is, God, no, that says a lot. And if the answer is, yeah, I am meeting these old patterns with a new level of awareness, And I do know what to do. I just haven't necessarily done it yet.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:21]:
And I'm willing to get that external support that I need to create the change. Then you're ready. And like I said before, I want you to be able to answer by the time our show, this show is done, our time together is done. I want you to honestly be able to answer how ready you are to change. No shame if your answer is, I'm not ready. I'm gonna stay Stay here and play this out a little while longer. Awesome. Own it.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:51]:
But wherever you're at, what would help you become more ready? What would help you become more ready to lean into change, to do things differently? Which is an entirely different question than, what's wrong with me? Why can everybody else do it but not me? Why are their marriages thriving but not ours? What would actually help you step into this next version of yourself? What would actually help you transform? Is it getting more information? Yes or no? Is it becoming more regulated? Is it having a financial plan? Is it getting solid legal advice? Is it evidence of a sustained behavioral change? Is it your partner truly showing up differently, or say staying the exact same and showing up the same way they always have? Would having a private place to tell your whole truth help you be ready? Would getting permission to acknowledge what you want, what you need, what you feel— would that help? Would it help to be witnessed? Because readiness can't be forced, but it can be supported. So what do you need to be supported? What do you need to be more willing to get yourself out of this stuck, frustrated, unhappy space? And when you can say to yourself, to your nervous system, it's not about forcing the change, it's about making me more ready. It lowers that threat level because I'm not asking you to change. I'm not asking you to decide. I'm not asking you to do something. I'm merely asking you to support yourself. To go to that next step. Now, what I wanna talk about is why change feels unsafe, why we want to be certain before we take action.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:36]:
Because we do. If we knew the future and we could step into it, wouldn't it be easy? And that's what holds us back so often. We're like, I don't know if this is gonna be a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if he's going to show up. I don't know if this is going to work out. And physiologically and psychologically, I want you to know that change feels unsafe. All change feels unsafe. Even positive change feels unsafe to our nervous systems.

Speaker A [00:41:09]:
Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:11]:
Honest to goodness, one of the biggest reasons we remain suspended in that state of, I just don't know what to do, or I'm just gonna wait it out, is because we want certainty. We want to know that if we stay, the marriage will heal and our partner will do all this work. We want to know that if we leave, we're gonna be happier and they're gonna be miserable. We want to know that our kids will be okay. We want to know that we're not going to live on a bridge or live under a bridge on the street because we've decimated ourselves financially. We want to not regret our decisions, right? Like, we want to avoid regret at all costs. Regret is an icky emotion. We also don't want to be judged.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:00]:
We don't want our families to judge us, the neighbors to judge us, the communities to judge us. Like, we don't want anybody to judge us. I get judged for being, quote, weak and staying. I get judged for everything. Let me just tell you this. No matter what decision you make, somebody's gonna judge you. And the reason they're judging you is because they see you making a decision that they wish they would've had the courage to make. When people judge me, I think, huh, you wish you could've done what I did and you didn't have the courage to do it.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:34]:
So now you're just gonna judge me and shame me. We don't wanna look back on our lives and think I got it wrong. And that's important. Our lives are big things. That's why I have done a 2-part show, because I want you to understand stages of change. I want you to understand what phase of healing you're in so you don't just make things a little bit better and then you stop. I want you to not be 90 years old looking back and thinking, gosh dang it. I was 45.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:09]:
I was 60 when this happened. I had all of these good years ahead of me, and instead of stepping into what was really, really good, I just pussyfooted around and it never got that much better. And I just kept staying there waiting for it to be better. And as I was staying there waiting for it to get better, all of this other stuff happened that I wasn't able to capitalize on. I missed the trips The vacations, the joys, the families, the friends, the adventures. I missed just feeling safe in my own body. During that whole time, I tiptoed around my house. I avoided conversations.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:48]:
I kept myself miserable. And I really, really wish I would've done things differently. Sadly, life does not provide a high level of certainty before making a decision. And when certainty becomes the standard, the requirement, you will stay frozen indefinitely. But here's the thing, staying frozen, not making a decision doesn't keep you from being wrong. People are like, I don't want to leave and regret it. Yeah, and you don't want to stay and regret it either. And you can't know and you can't be certain.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:32]:
But not deciding does not protect you from being wrong. Not deciding does not protect you from being wrong. Sadly, we have to choose. We have to step into something. And if it's wrong or we regret something, We can choose again. Truly, we can choose again. But you have to be the driver of your own life. You have to get out of the passenger seat and you have to start taking control.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:06]:
You cannot sit in the passenger side and then blame the driver when you don't like the route. You know what I mean? It's not about your therapist or your partner or Your infidelity coach or whoever, you have to start figuring it out. You might feel good during our time together, but then you're gonna go out and live your life in the same way that you've lived it before, and you're gonna stay stuck in those same patterns. So yes, when we work together, I say things like, how long are you going to tolerate that? And what would it be like if this is as good as it's ever gonna get? Are you okay with that?

Speaker A [00:45:42]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:46]:
Not because I wanna make you uncomfortable, but because I want what's better for you. Because, oh my gosh, I've been in your shoes and it's awful and it's painful and it's so easy to sit back and lick our own wounds and just stay safely inside. It's so easy to get into that victim mode. My partner just wouldn't change. My therapist told me to wait. Well, my friends, they just told me to leave.

Speaker A [00:46:12]:
Mm-hmm.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:14]:
My kids, they needed me to stay. I just can't break up my family. Money. If it wasn't for the money, things would be different. All of those things may be relevant. They may be real. They may be true on some level. But when you allow those external factors to decide what happens in your life, why are you turning your life and your decisions and your agency over to Your therapist, your kids, your friend, your partner's behavior.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:49]:
This is your life, my friend. You have to make decisions that are hard. I do a lot of self-advocacy training, both when I work with people one-on-one and in groups. And in the last self-advocacy training group I did, We talked about becoming the protagonist in your own life. Now, the protagonist of a story does not control every event. The main character is the protagonist, and things happen to the protagonist, and then the protagonist makes an active decision. She does not avoid every single mistake. She responds.

Speaker A [00:47:35]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:36]:
To what's happening. She enters her own story. She makes choices with the information that she has. And it's interesting because sometimes in a book, we as the reader are given insight that she doesn't have. And it's interesting when we're like, aha, she's making this decision because she thinks this, but it's really the other way. But she is still actively choosing. She chooses a new direction when new information comes to light. Aha, she does something differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:04]:
And then we cheer her on like, yes.

Speaker A [00:48:05]:
Yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:08]:
But she is an active participant in everything. And here are the questions that I truly want you to sit with. Where have you taken a backseat in your own life? Do not justify it. Where have you taken a backseat in your own life? Do not say something like, well, we decided I would stay home. Well, I had a special needs child, so I had to. I'm not asking for a justification. Where have you taken a backseat in your life? Sometimes we take a backseat at work. Sometimes we take a backseat in the marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:46]:
Well, because my husband, his job was so much more important. Do not justify it. I took a backseat in my own marriage. I just did. I can tell you all the reasons why, but that's just me justifying it. And the justification is not what I'm interested in. Where did you do it? Who have I made responsible for deciding what happens to me? What decisions am I avoiding because I am more afraid of being wrong than I am of remaining in this suspended, frozen state? And I love this one. What would the protagonist in my life do next? Not forever, not correctly or incorrectly.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:32]:
What would the protagonist in my life do next? If you were watching your story on TV, on a movie screen, if you were reading a story in your book, what would the protagonist do? You do not need to have a guarantee. You just need to know that if something doesn't unfold as you hoped for, You can respond. And that's, that's the sovereignty that I'm talking about. That's the transformation that I'm talking about. It is that transformation of being like, dude, I don't know what to do, but this is what is the next logical step for me, and I'm stepping into it. And if it works out, then I can determine my next step. And if it doesn't work out, I can still determine my next step. And I think this is really how I want to wrap this up, by letting you know the perfect solution does not exist.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:34]:
The perfect solution flat out does not exist. And sometimes certainty kind of disguises itself as this search for the perfect solution. Like, I'm going to do the right thing. I'm a really good person and I'm gonna make sure all my I's are dotted and my T's are crossed, and I'm gonna make sure it's perfect. There is no perfect. It's going to be messy. You are simply refusing to decide, and I'm gonna call you out on that. You're refusing to decide.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:04]:
If you are trying to find an option where nobody gets hurt, where nothing important is lost, where you never have a moment of regret, Where everybody understands and approves and applauds you, you're going to spend the rest of your life waiting. And I'm just going to say that because it's not going to happen. You cannot both preserve your marriage and live happily in a space that is intolerable. You can't do it. You can't regulate your way out of an intolerable marriage. You also cannot end your marriage without any grief, without any financial disruption, without moments of loneliness, or without having any impact on your kids. That doesn't happen. If you choose to end your marriage, there will be impacts.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:55]:
There will be moments you cry. There will be moments you celebrate. There will be moments you grieve. You will have to learn new skills. You can stay without feeling foolish, and you're still gonna have moments where you feel completely like an idiot. You can leave and feel really good about it, and then also wonder if you gave up too soon. You can want your partner to change and hope and pray that they change, and they might not. They can change and they can do everything right, and you can still hate the relationship and say, oh God, I don't want to be here.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:40]:
You're a different person and I still don't want a part of you. I just want you to know in the most loving way possible, the perfect option doesn't exist. And that doesn't mean you should stay in purgatory. It means just like in every other choice that you've made, there's good parts and there's bad parts. Being disrespected is a non-negotiable. Having your partner cheat is a non-negotiable. Think about the things that are non-negotiable for you and how can you make the decision that preserves those non-negotiables? Other things may have to give because they're preferences, not non-negotiables. So sometimes you're not stuck because you lack options.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:36]:
You're stuck because none of those available options are perfect. Would you rather remain and do the work knowing that there are no guarantees? Would you rather Leave and do the work of grieving, rebuilding, and creating a whole different future, also knowing that there are no guarantees. What I want to leave with today is that awareness that maturity is not finding the option with no downside. It's deciding which truth, which consequence, which responsibility you are willing to live with. What perfect solution am I waiting for? Am I rejecting every available path because each one has something that's uncomfortable? Or do I legitimately need more time, more resources, more information? So in closing, what phase of recovery are you in? Are you in regulation, reorientation, reconnection, or rechoreography? And how ready are you to change? Are you in that pre-contemplation, contemplation, action, or preparation, or action? Are you, or are you in the maintenance phase because you're like, yeah, I've done it? What would help you become more ready? What certainty are you waiting for? And then most importantly, what are you getting from staying stuck in this pattern? What are you getting? Sometimes it's just the freedom not to choose. Be honest. And what are you afraid of? Answer those questions. Let me know what your answer is.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:49]:
Again, no shame, no judgment, just being real, being raw. and being true. Reach out, let me know what phase you're in. Let me know how ready you are, and I can help you get to that next level. As usual, have an amazing week and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.

Speaker A [00:56:24]:
Tune in next time to Flaunt: Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity or Betrayal with Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.