Afraid You’ll Mess This Up? How to Stop Analysis Paralysis After Infidelity (Regulate First, Decide Second)

Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com Are you afraid of screwing this whole thing up? Are you afraid of being the one who blows up your marriage? Are you afraid of, like, joining the wrong program or hiring the wrong therapist or doing something wrong so that something is messed up that you can suddenly go back and fix? That's what I want to talk about today is that fear, that analysis paralysis, that lack of trust in yourself after infidelity. And first of all, I want to start by saying it's totally common. It is totally common to suddenly have no trust in yourself, to suddenly start questioning your ability to ascertain the truth, to discern truth from lies, to figure out if somebody's a good person because of what you have been through, if you're anything like me. I spent my whole life truly wanting to do the right thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:44]:
I've never wanted to screw things up. I don't want to make a mistake. Like, do I. Do I think that I'm perfect? No. But I also think that I am wise enough and smart enough that I can figure things out. You know what I mean? Whether it's looking at Google reviews or Yelp reviews or, you know, checking reviews online. Like, I check things out because I don't want to make a mistake. I overthink.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:21]:
I know there's so much information online now that it also makes overthinking kind of easy. But it's also kind of a benefit because it helps us figure out what is going to be good for us. Whether it's the right quality and the right price, whether it's the right program and the right person, whatever it is. I have spent my whole life honestly trying to do right. And I feel like you're probably a lot like that, too, because everybody that I work with, everybody that I talk to parrots that back to me. They say, how could this have happened to me? Especially because I try so hard. Because even though I do mess things up, my heart is in the right place. And I try to be kind and generous and authentic and do my research, and how could somebody then hurt me when I have tried so Hard.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:29]:
And when I can look around and see other people out there who aren't trying that hard and who aren't doing the right thing and who are kind of careless. And I think that's what one of the things that makes infidelity even more so much harder to come to terms with. You know, if you're playing fast and loose in your own marriage, yeah, okay, well, probably deserve that. But I've been doing this work for a long time now, and I have never met anyone who's like, yep, kind of deserve that. Kind of saw that coming. Didn't surprise me. Everybody that I've met has been completely blindsided. And part of the reason that they were blindsided is because they are so genuine, they are so caring, and they try so hard to do the right thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:28]:
And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, they find out about this infidelity. And then they feel like they are tasked with figuring out what to do next. It's like, woohoo. Balls in your court. Figure it out. And they're like, I don't even know what court I'm on. How can I figure that out? And not only is it wildly unfair. It is wildly unfair, but it's also extra hard because you don't have any control.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:02]:
And I think for me, for you, for most people listening, we're used to having a certain amount of control. We're capable people. You know what I'm saying? We've researched things, we've read things, we've understood things. We're smart. We can figure things out. If something happened with our kids, we're like, I'm on it. I can take care of it. If something happens with the house, I'm on it.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:29]:
I can take care of it. Even if it's something that we don't know about, I'm on it. I can research it. I can Google that. I can figure it out and I can take care of it. And I know for me, I spent so many years truly taking care of everything around the house. You know, the emotional labor, the physical labor. I did all of that in part because I was good at it, in part because I was capable, in part because it was a gender role, you know, in part because I didn't even at the time cognize the difference between what I was doing and maybe what I should have been doing and should have not been doing it.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:16]:
I just slid into this role. I slid in to this role and it worked. Our family worked, our life worked. But I also got really good at taking Care of other people's emotions, tiptoeing around my husband when he needed tiptoeing around. You know what I'm saying? It's like we get good at adapting, so then we make things worse. Should we have maybe tiptoed around our spouse at different times? No, we should have spoken our truth. We should have had two emotionally mature people coming together and having a conversation. But that's not always how it worked, but we were the ones that made it work anyway.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:04]:
So then when all of a sudden this infidelity, infidelity bomb goes off, what our brain says is, I can fix this. I can fix this. I can fix this. Because for a hundred million years, our brain has gone, I can fix this. I can fix this. I can fix this. And we do. So not only do we have this emotional devastation that, oh, my God, my partner cheated.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:32]:
My partner actually cheated. And that doesn't even make sense in my brain now. We have this other layer of devastation. I can't fix this. I'm a fixer and I can't fix this. I don't even know how. How to sit with that. One of the things in my sessions that is very common is women trying to fix their partner.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:04]:
If I can get him to go to therapy, if I can get him to go to counseling, if I can get him, you know, in the sex addiction program, alcohol addiction program, if I can get him too. And then one of the first things we have to do is break that down. You can't control another person. You want to. I want to. Oh, my God, I want to. But this isn't something we can fix. We can't fix him.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:32]:
Raise your hand if you want to fix your partner. I want to fix my partner. I did. Then, being totally honest, I still do. I want to fix people. I think we all do politically. Who wants to look at the, quote, other side, whatever that other side is, and be like, oh, my God, if I could just talk to them and show them what is really true, I could fix their way of thinking. Because it doesn't make sense.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:01]:
We are fixers. If you were listening to me right now, chances are you. You're a fixer because you're capable, because you're smart, because you can. Now, you've probably heard the term codependent, and I have really mixed feelings with that term and with that concept. Because on the one hand, yes, people can have codependent type of behaviors. Yes, we could manipulate from the one down position, yes, we can do all of the things like that. And there is an unhealthiness to that. I'm not saying that these behaviors can't cross the line.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:43]:
But what I am saying and what I want you to hear is a lot of times these behaviors are not codependent. They're not manipulative. These are achieve high achiever traits and characteristics. High achiever traits and characteristics that have been weaponized and turned against us. I'm so happy that we're starting to talk about this now that not, not, not all narcissists are drawn to weak women. They are drawn to strong, capable women who are effective and efficient and can easily solve problems and put their needs aside in order to serve the greater good. And all of our positive characteristics get hijacked and turned against us. And having that realization in and of itself is another betrayal.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:57]:
That's another betrayal. Your strengths are suddenly your weakness. Your strengths are what allowed this situation to go on longer than maybe it could have or should have. Had you been a different kind of person. Had you truly been the damsel in distress, had you truly been incompetent and incapable, maybe it wouldn't have gone this far. And that's mind twist, isn't it? That is a huge mind twist that I over functioned and I ran this family. And because I was so capable and so competent and so emotionally adept and attuned. Whoa.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:49]:
This situation might have lasted longer than it would have had I not been this capable. Boom. This is the whole reframe. You were not cheated on because you're worthless. You were cheated on because you were powerful. Whoa. I know. Sit down.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:17]:
Mic drop. You are not cheated on because you're worthless and weak. You are cheated on because you are powerful, strong and capable. Let that sink in for a moment. You were cheated on because of your strengths. I know. Now I want to own this and say these are some wild generalizations that I'm saying. These are concepts.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:49]:
This is conceptually speaking. This is not. You are to blame because you're so capable. This is not. You are to blame because you're so capable. This is part of the reason that this happened. Part of the reason that this went down the way that it went down is because you're a high achiever and you were taken advantage of. And who gets taken advantage of? People who have an advantage.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:20]:
Who get. Who gets taken advantage of? People who have an advantage get taken advantage of again. This. This goes deep. This goes deep. If your partner viewed as somebody with an advantage, then they could take an advantage of you because they saw you as being stronger than them. More capable than them? More emotionally attuned or mature or aware than them? Yeah. Does your partner ever say to you, I didn't think this would hurt you? And inside you go, are you really kidding me right now? How can.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:16]:
How can you say, I didn't think this would hurt you? What a lie. What a story, right? Do you know the truth of that? They didn't think this would hurt you because they saw you as someone who couldn't be hurt. Because maybe they didn't think you really loved them. Maybe because they thought you were so strong and capable you didn't need them. Maybe because they saw you doing everything anyway and they felt emasculated by your strength. Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. This is not blame. This is not shame.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:12]:
This is a deep, subconscious dynamic that I'm talking about. A deep, subconscious dynamic. Intelligence. The masculine, that is a little bit afraid of the feminine, that is a little bit afraid of not being man enough. That is a little bit afraid of not being capable enough or strong enough. And it pokes at the insecure wounds and it pokes at the not enoughness in them, and they don't feel like they can meet your needs, and they're afraid. And for a man to say, I'm afraid suddenly makes him not a man anymore. And he doesn't want to be a scared little boy.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:15]:
And God forbid any man wants to be feminine and emotional, and all of those thoughts go through their head and these subconscious wounds and this deep, subconscious programming about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be capable and what it means to be incapable and not good enough. And suddenly they're in this whole spiral of I'm not good enough, I'm not capable enough, she's better than I am. She doesn't really love me anyway. What's going to make me feel more like a man than cheating with another woman? I know all the thoughts that are coming up in your head. It's. It's deep, it's a little twisted, but it's also really, really sad. It's also really, really sad. And then what's worse for.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:38]:
For them is that suddenly they realize, oh, my God, she was hurt. She is human, too. Oh, I had the best thing going. I had someone who loved me, who took care of so many things, who was so capable, and I messed it up. And then once again, they're in that spiral of I messed it up, I can't go forward. If I own this, it's going to make Me weak. So I have to put the stake in the ground that I'm justified in doing this, that I deserve this, that it wasn't as bad as she thought. Because they can't drop the ego front and move into that painful, wounded little boy and speak their truth.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:26]:
So then they create more damage. See the dynamic, wounded boy, powerful woman, deeply insecure versus exhausted, but deeply capable. I mean, honestly, don't we always have to do twice as much to get half as much recognition? Yeah, we're used to embodying that role. Yeah. Men weaponize their incompetence because society has told them that they can do it and we have told them that they can do it by being twice as capable. Now you might be saying, how did we get here? Why are we talking about this? This is my pain and he did this and I am not going to feel sorry for him. That is not an excuse. And you're right, it's not an excuse.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:35]:
How we got here is. I want you to see these different layers of dynamics. This might be exactly what happened in your relationship, it might be partially what happened in your relationship. And you might be listening, thinking, no, that's not really my partner. In any event, it's all fine. It's that I want you to start thinking about the societal conditioning, these societal labels, the ways in which we function in the world. So with that as the backdrop, we're going to come back around to you and you not wanting to screw up your marriage and you not wanting to hire the wrong coach and you not wanting to invest in the wrong therapist and the pressure that you feel to get it right. All of a sudden this bomb goes off.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:24]:
You find out about this infidelity. And in my case, I found out about something that happened 15 years earlier and I'm supposed to process it in a day, in a moment, and figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life and the rest of my kids life in one minute. Finding out something that happened 15 years earlier. Oh my God, I don't think so. I'm not even capable of that. A couple shows ago I talked about that knowledge of infidelity and how we don't usually find out in the moment, how we are the last one to know. And then we have this huge catch up game that we need to play and it's hard. And with that backdrop of us as the capable woman who figures things out, who takes care of things, who knows what to say and to do, all of a sudden we're given this bomb and we don't know what to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:18]:
And we don't know what to do. A. Because. Because, oh, my God, this is 15 years worth of stuff. This is 20 years worth of stuff. This is three years worth of stuff. And nobody can figure out what to do. But then, second of all, we don't know what to do with it because we don't have a narrative.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:37]:
What's the narrative around betrayal? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Take him for all he's worth. If he cheats, I'm outta here. Cheating is all about passion and love and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're not good enough. The narrative that we have around betrayal is not real and it's not healthy and it's not useful. And there's such a stigma around betrayal that we don't talk about it. We're not like, hey, my husband cheated.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:05]:
Mine did too. I'm like, we don't talk about it. There is stigma, there is shame, There is horror around that. So not only do we have a really difficult position. Bam, bomb went off. I've got to catch up and reassimilate 15 years of my life now. Now. But I also have no schema with which to move forward.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:28]:
The only schema I have is some kind of negative stuff. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Leave now, it's never going to get better. Why did you even stay? Why didn't you know? So now not only am I trying to catch up to where I'm at in the present moment, but I've got all this negative story and narrative in my head and my heart and my mind, mind and my energy and my soul are probably saying a whole bunch of different conflicting things. And one of those conflicting things that's being said is, I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to screw it up. Oh, my God. I don't want to screw this up.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:07]:
I don't want to blow up my life. I don't want to mess this up. I've worked really, really hard. The kids are this age. We're going to have grandkids. I've got my career. We're looking at retirement. What if I die alone? Am I ever going to find anybody else? Oh, my God.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:21]:
Especially at my age. Look at my body, look at my life, look at my finances, families. It's this avalanche of pressure to not screw up something that you didn't screw up in the first place. And that is not fair. Oh, my God, that is not fair. That is so wildly Unfair. And then because we're capable and we're smart and we're strong, we try to figure it out. But then we're in this state of overwhelm.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:58]:
Our nervous system is hijacked. We're going through the grief, we're going through the anger, we're going through the rage. And we can't make really good decisions because we're in the thick of it. And when our nervous system is hijacked, we go into fight, flight, freeze, or fix. And I want to talk a little bit more about those. When you find this out and your nervous system lights up and it's totally hijacked, you move from the prefrontal cortex, the rational, reasonable thinking portion of your brain, and you go all the way back here to the survival portion of your brain, and you just react. It's like threat, react. You don't think about it, you just react.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:55]:
And it's hard. It's hard to be in that space. It's hard to say, okay, bomb just went off. Give me three weeks to lay on the floor and cry, and then I'll get back to you. No, you've got jobs, families, all this stuff, all the questions. And then the questions can kick up some more trauma. And then one of the things that can happen, too, is where's the place that we first go when our marriage is in trouble? Marriage counseling. Right? If we're having a crisis, we get a counselor.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:34]:
There are amazing counselors out there. There are also not amazing counselors who are not trauma aware, trauma informed. There are people out there who have great intentions, but they don't know the dynamic of infidelity. Maybe they've studied it, but they haven't lived it. Maybe they just don't understand you and your situation based on where you are at now. And also sometimes therapists, counselors want to go back and start helping you process things, which is wonderful. You need that. We all need processing.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:21]:
But sometimes that's not where you're at in the moment. And it's vitally important to know where you're at in the moment. Do you ask yourself, what do I need right now? Do I need. Do I need medicine? Do I need something to help me sleep? Do I need something with my anxiety? Like, do I need drugs at this time to get me through this immediate crisis? If I honestly need a higher level of mental health care, it's important to get it. Now is not the time to say, oh, but I don't like drugs. Oh, but I don't really believe in sleeping pills. Oh, but I don't really want to go inpatient. Oh, I don't really.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:05]:
I can manage this. Let me just say now is not the time to manage anything. Now is not the time for you to manage anything. Now is the time for you to get all the help that you need. Maybe it's even just herbs or natural supplements. But if you are having a tough time with your mental health, get a higher level of mental health care. It's like you don't just think your way out of postpartum depression. You don't.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:34]:
You don't just get over a postpartum. You can't just take a bubble bath and have postpartum depression. Go away. If you're struggling, get help. Get good, qualified help. You're not going to be on meds forever, but get the help that you need right now. If you need a trauma specialist, get a trauma specialist right now. Get somebody who isn't going to immediately take you to a place that might re traumatize you.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:09]:
I can't tell you how many people that I've worked with and they're like, I went to a therapist and their first question was, what did you do wrong? Oh, my God, no. Seek out professionals that meet you, who are where you are at self reflecting on your part of a situation is healthy later down the road, not right now. And it was never your fault in the first place. Whereas was there cont. Contributing factors? Of course. There always are in every situation. But nothing you did ever caused the cheating. I want you to be a discerning customer.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:54]:
I know you were a discerning customer. You probably check Google reviews and Yelp reviews and figure things out and talk to people. But do you like this? Do you like Lululemon versus Athleta better? Do you like. We talk about it, right? But so often when we see a therapist or a coach or a counselor, we assume they are the expert and we let them take the lead. And when we are so hurt and so traumatized and so flooded and so overwhelmed and we're in that state of fight, flight or freeze, we forget that it is up to us to be discerning. We can ask questions. We can say, that doesn't feel good for me right now. We can say, no, thank you, I think I'm going to find somebody else.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:41]:
And we can interview three, five different coaches or therapists. One of the reasons that I always offer a $97 introductory session is so that people can feel what it's like to be with me. You hear me on the podcast you see me on YouTube, but let's talk together. Let's see if we gel. For $97, you get an introductory session that lasts an hour. And then you're like, okay, I really like this. Okay, I need a shift around this. It's not a huge commitment because the last thing you need right now is a huge commitment.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:28]:
You don't know what you're going to choose. You don't know if you need help choosing. You don't know what your partner is going to do. Things are going to look very different in three months and six months and nine months. Let's just get together now, see if it works now, see what my ideas are now. Bounce things off of me now, and then with that knowledge, move forward. If you want to book your introductory session, by the way, literally if you go to introductory session.com www.introductorysession.com, it takes you right there to the calendar link where you pay and you schedule. You can cancel if you need to cancel.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:15]:
You can reschedule if you need to reschedule. I'm truly here to serve you in whatever you need. So how does your nervous system feel when you hear that, oh, hey, not a big deal. Versus I'm gonna lock you in and you can't make a mistake and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Introductory session dot com. Easy peasy. I used to always say with my kids, easy peasy, pumpkin, cheesy. Anyway, question, Ask questions.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:47]:
Notice how it feels because that is going to help get you out of fight, flight or freeze. So you can get back into the prefrontal cortex and start making decisions that make sense. I'm going to break that down a little bit. You're smart, you're capable. That's that energy, oftentimes of fight. I'm getting in here. I'm getting in here. I'm gonna do it.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:12]:
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And I. I've been hurt and dang it, I'm gonna make this right. This is not justice. I'm going to make. Make my. Make it a just world for me.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:23]:
I'm gonna fight. He says this, I'm gonna fight that. That's not true. She says this, I'm gonna fight that. It's not true. It's that hard line. No way I'm taking you on. Breathe into that.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:44]:
Is that always the best decision? Want to hear a little story? You wanna. You know what I did the moment that I found out? The afternoon I found out, not the moment I found out. There was a lot of intervening stuff. But when I went into my fight mode, I got on the phone and I called my husband's work and I reported him for an ethics violation, and I called these professional associations that he was a part of, and I reported him and the other woman involved in that one for ethics violations. And I just did all this stuff because I'm like, you are a bad person, and I'm not going to stand up for that. And I'm a good person, and I'm going to show you and I'm going to take you down. And then a little bit later that evening when I calmed down, it was like, oh, gee, maybe that wasn't the best of ideas. Maybe that's going to actually come back and bite me if he loses his job and we end up getting divorced and suddenly there's no money for maintenance.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:58]:
Oh. Or even if we stay together and he loses his job and, oh, this might not be the best idea. That's fight. That's why you don't want to be in fight. You can make some big mistakes. And if your driving factor is, I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to blow up my marriage. I don't want to ruin my kid's life.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:19]:
I don't want to have to leave my home, my family, my retirement accounts, all the things that we've created together. If you're in fight, you're going to blow it up. I know flight is isolation, getting the heck out of here. And you know what? I don't think. I don't think flight in general is as damaging. It can be, but it's not generally as damaging as fight. It's just that need to be alone. I mean, I don't.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:00]:
I don't even want to be around you. I don't even want to see you. I don't even want. It's that energy of just, God, get me out of here. I talk to a lot of women. I do that introductory session for a lot of women who are like, I'm zooming in from an Airbnb. I'm in a hotel right now. I took off to, you know, wherever for a week because I needed to figure this out.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:29]:
And that can be healthy, too. That can be healthy because it will give you a chance to get away from the trigger. Your partner is the trigger. The fact that your real life is never going to look the same again, the fact that your future is not the future that you thought, that takes time to process. And it's good sometimes to get away I actually attempted that at one point in my recovery. I Googled what is the closest beach to Colorado, and it was Texas. And I was like, I'm just going to get in the car. I'm going to get an Airbnb.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:08]:
I found one right there on the water. And I'm just going to go down, and I'm going to spend however long I need. And then my mind spiraled. Oh, my God, that's a long drive. And who's going to be home taking care of the animals? And what about the kids? And what about this and what about that? And then I ended up not doing it. And you know what? I don't really know if that's good or bad that I didn't do it, but I recognize that need that I just have to get out of my life. I have to get out of my life for a moment. I've got to get out of here.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:41]:
I cannot handle this. And my husband and I have had several other flight moments along the way. We saw coaches, we saw counselors, we saw energy healers. Like, we did all the things we did, you know, books and podcasts and talked and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there were moments where we're like, I can't take anymore. I need a break. I need a huge break. It actually feels re Traumatizing to go to our couple's therapist.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:16]:
Like, everything would be going fine. We're having this good day. We'd be like, oh, God, we have to go. And then we'd get in a fight on the way home, or we'd feel icky on the way home, and it would just, like, bring up all of this stuff, and we're like, we were calming down. We were soothing. We were having a good connection, and now we're not. And that's icky. And I don't want that.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:46]:
And I don't want to go to counseling again, and I don't want to rehash the past again. I understand it. I'm not totally at peace with it yet. But the last thing I want to do is go rehash it right now. Right now, I just want to grill burgers and take a walk and then chill out and watch a movie. And that's flight. Yes. But I also think that's fair.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:12]:
I really think we need that time to process and to stop having it in our face, because we can't lean in all the time. Now, a little bit similar but a little bit different is freeze. So I'm asking you right now, right Here. What were your fight moments like, when I was gonna call everybody and tell what were your flight moments where you're like, I just, I gotta get out of my life. Gotta get out of my life. The last one is freeze. And like I said, it's similar to flight, but it's different. It's literally I can't do anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:53]:
I can't even make the call to book the Airbnb. I can't. I can't even pick up the phone and call for help. I can't even open the laptop and Google things. I can't even open my phone and push play on some podcasts. It's just too much. I can't cook dinner. I can't get out of bed, I can't get off the floor.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:21]:
I can't. I had plenty of I can'ts along the way too. Plenty of days where I couldn't get off the floor. And I'd think, my son's coming home and I have to figure this out and I want to go do things and I need to go do things. And I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. My husband also this, it's been an incredible journey.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:57]:
Incredible bad, incredible good in, just incredible. But he ended up taking a significant time away from work afterwards. And you know, kid you not, he would sit on the couch sometimes for hours, not really depressive, but just sitting and staring at a wall and processing. And I had plenty of those times too. And, and again, with so many of these states, there's a healthy, I gotta give myself time and space to feel. And then there's that phrase I can't. And I think that's the difference that I want you to know is that difference between I can't, I'm in a total state of freeze and I literally can't versus I'm overwhelmed and I'm re regulating my nervous system right now. I'm just taking five a boundary.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:54]:
I'm choosing to take five versus I can't, I cannot move forward right now. So whether you're in fight, flight or freeze, you were in the survival portion of your brain. It's the deer, the antelope, running away, fighting or playing dead, where are you fighting, where are you running away and where are you playing dead? Because in none of those states can you actually process the emotion, figure things out and move forward with reasonableness, with rational thought. In any of those, in none of those states can you actually fix the problem. And what we're going to talk about now is that fix. One of the other nervous system dysregulation states is fixed. Sometimes people call it fawn, sometimes people call it fix. And here's where it gets a little tricky.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:06]:
I think with high achievers, with strong, smart, capable women, we can fix and we do fix, and we will always fix. I'm always going to fix things. It's who I am. But what's the motivation behind not fixing there? No, I'm not going to start there. I'm going to start here. I was raised to not say things in order to keep the peace. My mom, my grandma. Women of that generation didn't have much of a voice.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:50]:
They were not supported in, in speaking up. They were not trained to do that. So part of my upbringing in that lineage was, don't make your dad mad. Just don't say anything and do what you need to do anyway. Don't rock the boat. So and so will be gone pretty soon. So that's the backdrop of my upbringing. I think maybe many of you had a similar type of, of backdrop.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:22]:
We have become more aware, more empowered as a society. But I think those of us who are 40, 50 on up probably had a lot of those messages growing up. Just bite your tongue. It's not worth it. And in some cases it's not worth it. We don't always have to speak up for everything all the time. Yes. Sometimes just put on the smile and get through it.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:55]:
There's, there's some validity to that. Yes. It's just that I was raised to do that as a matter of course, instead of, you know what? Ascertain. Is this really important? Do you need to speak your truth? Does this matter? How is that dimming your light? How is that dimming your truth? How is this impacting you? If it's impacting you, you are worthy of speaking up. You are worthy of advocating for yourself. You do not have to hold other people's pain or discomfort. That's the balance, I think, that we are moving into. And that is one of the gifts that comes from the infidelity experience.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:37]:
It's a higher level of wisdom, a higher level of knowledge of what matters and what doesn't matter. Where do I get to speak my truth? And where am I just going to partner and not always rock the boat and always say everything, because sometimes it is just rocking the boat for the sake of being a little bit obnoxious. We've been around those people too, right? Where you're like, oh my God, can you just agree with anything ever? You Know what I mean? You say, let's meet at 3. And they're like, that won't work for me. And you're like, are you kidding me? We've been talking about this for six months that we're gonna meet in the afternoon? And they're like, no, really, 3:15? And you're like, okay, fine, 3:15. And then like, no, you know, really, 305 would be a little bit better. And you're like, oh, with everything. It's subtleties.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:33]:
It's. It's subtleties. Where are you not speaking up because of your conditioning to not rock the boat? Because of the idea that I have to manage all the uncomfortable feelings? I don't want them to get angry. I don't want them to get mad. I don't want them to let them be angry and mad and have uncomfortable feelings. They're humans. They can process their own emotions, that you're a human too, and you get to process yours, and you don't have to take things on for other people. So why are you fixing? Are you fixing because you've been conditioned to be the fixer? Are you fixing because your partner has weaponized their incompetence? Are you fixing because in a partnership, we have different strengths and we have different weaknesses, and this is just your strength, and you just take it on, and your partner is taking on their strengths, and it's even and it's balanced and it's fair, and it feels like it's in flow.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:38]:
There's a lot of things that I can fix because I'd rather fix them, because I like to fix them, because I'm good at them. There's a lot of things that my husband is going to take on and fix because he likes it and he's good at it. So why are you fixing if you are fixing? Because it is within your wheelhouse and you feel good and strong and empowered to fix it. Fix it. And if you're fixing because you're hoping to prove something, you're hoping to keep somebody else quiet, you're hoping to, then that's fawning. And a lot of us go into the pick me dance when we find out about infidelity, which is also a way of fawning. Oh, I'll take care of you. I'll do whatever you want me to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:28]:
Oh, let's go, you know, be intimate all the time. Hyperbonding. That's a trauma response. Hyperbonding is a trauma response. If you see how necessary I am to your comfort and pleasure and happiness. You will never let me go again. You're gonna see how useful and valuable I am. And you're going to be sad and you're going to want me.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:55]:
And then I won't have to worry because you'll always want me. Trauma response. So where have you fawned? I mean, same thing. There was a lot of fawning I did. When he would come home, I would be like, I'm gonna make myself beautiful. Look at my hair and my makeup. And I'm doing all of this. I'm happy and I'm.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:21]:
I would go into that. We all go into all of these trauma responses. We tend to have a default one or two, but we all go into all these trauma responses. So where have you fond? Where have you fought? Where have you run away? Where have you just been frozen? What can you do to re regulate your nervous system so you can think of and be functional? Because you are a thoughtful, functional person, I want to give you some just practical tools. Taking a walk, listening to music, working out, doing yoga, dancing, breath work, journaling, watching the sun rise or set, reading a book that you enjoy, maybe watching a movie or a TV show, watching a comedy special that's a huge one. Talking to a friend, being with animals, volunteering somewhere. There are so many things that we can do, but sometimes we just need that calming in the moment. Rock your body side to side.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:49]:
Hum, sing, gargle, believe it or not, gargling, humming. Those all tone the vagus nerve, which can help calm and re regulate your nervous system. When I work with people on my Betrayal Recovery lifeline, which is the 247 Voxer access. Voxer is a walkie talkie app. That's one of the things that I tell them to do. Whenever you are starting to lose it, talk it out to me in the moment. Talk it out. I'm safe, I'm private.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:28]:
Talk it out. Talking. Also the vibration helps tone things. I love a lot of the Kundalini yoga because it's got the chanting and the breath work and the movement, but it brings you back in to a regulated nervous system. Shaking, just shaking your hands, reaching above your head, shaking your hands and then being like leaves fluttering to the ground and folding forward and doing that four or five times. That somatic processing is huge. And why you want to do this is so that you can get back to that state of being capable and making decisions that you're actually really happy with. I started the show saying how it's so wildly unfair that we're left with this feeling that I don't want to screw things up.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:35]:
And what if I screw things up and we're not the ones that made the mess? And I just want to validate and acknowledge and hold that truth. You weren't the one that made the mess. And now you are being tasked to clean it up. And it is so unfair. And that wild unfairness of it is enough to send us into fight, flight, or freeze. It's enough to trigger our nervous system. Every single time you think about can trigger you again. So that's why I want you to have this full understanding.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:19]:
Like, here's the backdrop of you in your life. Here's the backdrop of him and his life. You were in this role of high achiever, of capable, strong woman, and you can fix these things. And then this bomb goes off and it stimulates all of his insecurity and all of his pain, and then it puts you into this hyper overdrive of was I ever good in the first place? And then it knocks you down. But I think what I want you to know, most importantly, is you are capable. You are strong. And just because you've been knocked down in this moment doesn't mean that you were never not capable and strong. You have always been strong and capable, which is so weirdly why you're here.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:13]:
It's just part of that dynamic. And no, you don't want to mess up your family. And I want to assure you, you're not going to. You're not going to mess up your family. You are not blowing this up. You might make a decision that impacts things, but you're not blowing this up. And it is wildly unfair when we feel that way. An infidelity is wildly unfair.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:46]:
So don't buy into that narrative that you are the one now blowing up your family, because that is not fair. Do not let anybody put that on you, because you're not. If you end up divorced, if you end up with your family quote blown up, it's on them. If it's not on you. If you make a decision to end things. Just because you made the final decision does not mean that you were the cause. Just because you make the final decision does not mean that you were the cause. An analogy that I have said before.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:33]:
You might have heard it before, but it's such a good analogy. Infidelity is like the neighbor's dog running into your house and pooping all over the living room carpet and then running away. And when you tell the neighbor, they're like, bummer. And they refuse to clean it, you have just Had a dog poop in your living room in this center of your house. And yes, you are the one being left with the mess. And yes, it is wildly unfair. And yes, you have to decide what to do. And you can do some things that fix it right away.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:20]:
You can do, you can decide later and you can just live with that poop. I often say you can throw a rug over it and it looks great immediately, but eventually it's going to start smelling and that poop is going to squish between the floor and the rug and it's going to make things worse. You can clean it up half heartedly and have a stain and a little bit of a smell, or you can really invest, dig in, do the deep cleaning, hire a carpet cleaner, get the right chemicals, clean it two or three times, air it out, do whatever you need to do to finally and fully get it out. And it's not that you've messed it up. If you try a DIY option first and realize it doesn't work, you just tried it and it didn't work, move on. But what I want you to know for today is you're not going to mess this up. You're too smart for that. You're not going to mess this up.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:37]:
You're too capable for that. This is not what you planned. It's not what you expected. But sadly it is what you've got. And you can make something really, really good out of it or you can make something really, really bad out of it too. Truly, the choice is yours. The way to make a good choice is to re regulate that nervous system. Notice, identify, say to yourself, I am in fight.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:11]:
Aim in flight. Aim and fawn. Aim and freeze. Notice it. Do something to calm and re regulate. Then think about that dog poop analogy and decide what you need to do. And then question the professionals that are helping you. If somebody is not helping you, choose another one.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:35]:
If you choose a program and you don't love it, try a different one. Nobody is a better expert on you and your life and your marriage than you are. If somebody says breath work is going to work and it's not doing it for you, try something else. You're not broken. That's the other thing I hear so often. People are like, oh my God, I'm so glad I found you. I did all these other programs and I did all these other things and I did. None of it worked.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:03]:
And I really thought I was broken. You're not broken. Betrayal recovery needs to be holistic. You need to heal the body through somatic processing. You need to heal the mind through an understanding of why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? What caused this? You need to heal the emotion and the heartbreak. You need to heal on a spiritual level by understanding and then growing because of this experience. It's holistic. You do not need to stay stuck.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:38]:
You do not need to stay angry or bitter or mad or resentful or any of those things. It's just that you haven't gotten all the pieces together yet. Reach out introductory session dot com. Let's figure out what's missing. Let's figure out what works. Let's figure out what didn't work. Let's figure out what is that most appropriate next step to bring all of these pieces together and to heal you. So when you look back on this, you'll be able to confidently say, I did it right.

Lora Cheadle [00:59:16]:
I did it right. Of course I had some missteps, of course I had some confusion. But you know what? I did it right. I didn't mess things up. I didn't make things worse. That's another biggie. Making things worse. I did it right.

Lora Cheadle [00:59:35]:
So if you want to do it right, if you want to make sure you're not making things worse and if you want to be able to look back this in 5, 10, 15 years and be like, oh yeah, worst time in my life. But I nailed it and here's what I got because of it and here's why I'm better because of it. And here's what I understand now that I didn't know then. If that's what you want, then I'm the one for you and you're the one for me. Introductory session dot com. And quite frankly, if you're the one that's like, I don't know, I'm just going to barely skate by, I don't know. I'm going to let him figure it out. I don't know.

Lora Cheadle [01:00:16]:
I just want this to go away. Keep listening because maybe you're going to get to a higher level, but you've got hope. Your future is going to be good. And one day you will look back on this and say, yeah, I rocked that situation and I'm better because of it. Have an amazing week. Always remember that you were worthy, you are good, you deserve good, and that who you are exactly as you are is always more than enough. Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love. After infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 radio network.

Lora Cheadle [01:01:22]:
Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.