Affair Recovery, Infidelity & Betrayal

You Cheated. You’re Not a Monster. Here’s How to Understand Yourself and Become the Man You Meant to Be.

You’re not a monster because you cheated— you are a hurting human who never learned how to feel, name, and heal what’s going on inside. And understanding that and forgiving yourself is the key to rebuilding trust, whether you stay together or not.

This episode is a love letter—and a challenge—to the betrayer. Whether you’re the one who cheated or you’re the partner trying to understand how the person you love could hurt you so deeply, this conversation pulls back the curtain on what’s really going on inside the betraying partner. Lora shares honest, vulnerable insights from walking beside her husband through his infidelity, exploring why most men genuinely don’t know why they cheated, how shame and unresolved boyhood wounds fuel destructive coping, and what it actually takes to become trustworthy again. You’ll learn how to move from “I’m a monster” to “I made a devastating mistake—and I’m willing to change,” so both of you can stop walking on eggshells and start moving toward clarity, accountability, and healing.

Top 3 Takeaways

Why “I don’t know why I did it” is often true—just not the whole truth.
Most betrayers genuinely don’t know the root cause of their cheating because they were never taught to identify or communicate their emotions. Until they can name what they’re feeling—rejection, shame, emasculation, grief—cheating will continue to be a maladaptive coping mechanism, not a “character flaw problem” to shame away.
Your actions don’t define your core—but your accountability does.
There’s a profound difference between being a cheater and having cheated. Lora breaks down how to step out of the “cheater” identity and back into integrity through nervous system regulation, consistent follow-through (“do what you say you’ll do”), and small, repeated acts of honor that show you’re becoming truly trustworthy again.
Healing requires feeling it all—without fleeing, fixing, or deflecting.
From the sticky note that said “Feel it all” to simple somatic practices like standing in your integrity, brushing off old attachments, and speaking from your gut instead of your head, you’ll learn concrete ways to sit with your own shame, regret, and pain and hold space for your partner’s rage and grief—without collapsing, defending, or running away.

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If this episode spoke to you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs hope on their healing journey. Your voice helps other women (and men) find the support they deserve.

Favorite Quotes

“This isn’t about getting your wife to trust you again. It’s about becoming a man who is truly trustworthy—and honoring yourself enough to live that way.”

“You’re not a monster—you’re a human in pain who chose a harmful coping mechanism. Now the question is: who do you want to be from here?”

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I'm Lora Cheadle

I’m Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt—a betrayal recovery expert, attorney, TEDx speaker, and author of FLAUNT! and It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal. After uncovering my husband’s 15-year affair, I turned my own pain into purpose, helping high-achieving women reclaim their identity, power, and joy. As a trauma-aware coach and somatic therapist, I blend legal clarity with emotional and spiritual healing to guide women toward full-spectrum recovery.

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Get the Transcript

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]: Dear betrayer, this show is for you. It doesn’t matter if you are currently with your partner, not with your partner, don’t know where you stand or even what you want. This show is for you. And dear betrayed partner, this show is also for you, too. So you too can understand each other on an entirely different level. Now, I’m going to warn you before I get into the content of this. Sometimes it can feel triggering, Triggering for both of you, but especially for the betrayed partner. Sometimes when I talk about the compassion and the understanding that I feel for the one who did the betraying, the betrayed partner is like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lora Cheadle [00:01:05]: This is about me. This was done to me. I am the victim here, and I want to say yes and yes and is one of my favorite phrases. Yes, you were the victim here. And. And let me ask you this. Does it help you to stay angry? Does it help you to be unforgiving? Does it help you to be harsh towards the person who did this to you? Because I’m not going to lie. There are times along the journey where the answer is like, heck, yes. Lora Cheadle [00:01:42]: I so need to lean into that rage. I need to lean into that anger because it is healthy and affirming. And there are also times where the answer is no. Quite frankly, it’s keeping me stuck or it’s keeping us stuck, or it’s turning me into the kind of. Kind of person that I am not. I don’t want to be an angry, mean, bitter person, and yet I don’t want to forgive or I don’t know how to forgive. And I’m also afraid that if I forgive them, it’s going to be like letting them off the hook. Now, we’re going to address that a little bit because forgiving somebody is absolutely not letting them off the hook. Lora Cheadle [00:02:30]: Forgiving somebody is letting yourself off the hook. It’s the whole proverbial drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. When we can’t find it in our hearts, our bodies, our spirits, our minds, when we can’t find that compassion, that forgiveness, that understanding, it keeps us trapped. So the purpose of the show is not to have you just roll over and bypass and be like, la, la, la, la, la. I’m just so loving and forgiving, and people make mistakes. That is not the purpose of the show. And I think you’re smart enough to get that. Although still, sometimes, depending on where we’re at in the journey, it can feel a little bit like that. Lora Cheadle [00:03:25]: So that’s why I am giving you this caveat. This is not about just making it all okay. This is about making you okay. This is about reconnecting you to your joy, your passion, your life back to who you are so you can move forward. And then same thing, dear cheater, dear betraying partner, same thing. This is not to bypass the fact that you need to be accountable, that you need to make amends, that you need to stand in some heavy, dark stuff. By no means am I saying don’t do that, but I am saying you will get through this. There is a way through. Lora Cheadle [00:04:15]: And I want to talk to you about hold on to your hats. My level of compassion and understanding for you, how I see your journey as a betrayer as actually one that is very brave. And that’s why I said hold on to your hats, because that can ruffle some feathers. But I, I, I don’t understand your journey personally. I understand from walking by my husband’s side through this journey, I understand his pain, the way he sometimes felt like he was walking on eggshells and couldn’t get through it. His shame, his humiliation, his darkness and all of that. And this show is an attempt to have you understand the emotions that you’re feeling inside, give you hope. Not only give you hope, but show you the way through so you have a clear vision of what your life on the other side of infidelity can be like. Lora Cheadle [00:05:37]: And maybe I’ll give you some guidance on how to get there. And then if you’re coming together as a couple again, it’ll help you understand each other, bridge some gaps in understanding, create the kind of relationship that you want going forward. And if you’re not staying together, it’s still going to help you understand each other more, maybe co parent better, maybe have a healthier, happier divorce and ultimately in service of making you both better people. So going forward, whether it’s in another romantic relationship or just in friendships or any other kind of relationship, you are much more solid in yourself and you will make choices that you are proud of. Deal? Is that a deal? So with that as the background, I want to launch right in talking to the betrayer, talking to the partner who cheated, I really know how terrifying it is. Early on I had this thought, would I rather, if I had a choice, would I rather be a victim or somebody who victimizes? Would I rather be somebody who got hurt? Or would I rather be the person doing the hurting? And it really made me stop because you think about these huge world atrocities and none of us want to be victimized. But for me, and I’m sure, we all have different answers, but for me, it was like, gosh, I would rather be hurt than be the one doing the hurting. And when I shared that with my husband kind of early on in our journey, it broke him down because he was like, I feel the same way, and yet here I am. Lora Cheadle [00:07:58]: I’m a monster. And that was the word he kept using. He kept saying, there were so many monsters in my family growing up. It was this family of monsters. And now I’m doing that same thing. All of the things that I swore I would never do, I just did, and it makes me a monster. And I never thought that I would get here, and I never saw myself getting here. And in fact, I actually don’t even know or understand how I got here. Lora Cheadle [00:08:34]: And just being able to have. Have those words spoken, this is not who I am at my core. This is not who I aspire to be or who I thought I was. Just saying those words can create a really powerful shift in understanding. And the next logical place to go oftentimes is guilt or shame. So what’s wrong with me? How did I screw it up? Why did I do this? Why wasn’t I thinking, why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? But shame and guilt are dark, heavy emotions that suck you down further into a darker, heavier place of despair. And it’s not that I don’t want you feeling some of those feelings of guilt or shame, because it’s important to feel those feelings. But it’s also really important to be able to say, I am a good person. Lora Cheadle [00:09:45]: I have integrity. I am a good person. I took this path that led me to a place that I didn’t want to go, that I didn’t think I was even capable of going, and I did that. But it doesn’t define me. My actions don’t define me. One of the things my husband talked about was in those early days, the feelings of shame and inadequacy and horror. He kept saying it was abject horror. When he would look at himself and see what he was. Lora Cheadle [00:10:33]: Had done. It was horrifying. And he said early on, it was like, do I either want to kill myself, move to a beach in some random town in Mexico, never be heard from again. Do I want to blame you, or do I want to stand in it? And his first choice was to blame me. And he looks back on that now, and he said even at the time when he was in that defensive mode of blaming me, he’s. He’s like, what I was aware of was, for the first time, I was communicating the pain that was inside me that I didn’t know how to communicate before. Very early on, he sent me an email with the list of reasons why he had cheated with each person, with each instance. And that list of reasons why were all pointed at me. Lora Cheadle [00:11:33]: And with a little bit of time and coaching and therapy and energy, work and perspective and all of that, he slowly started untangling those reasons why weren’t about me. They were times where he felt inadequate or frustrated or emasculated or inept or sad. He felt some intensity of emotion inside that he couldn’t define. And because he couldn’t define it, he couldn’t even communicate it. And because he had never, ever practiced or was proficient at communicating emotions, he was like, I wouldn’t have even known what to say. It was just that all this stuff came up inside, and it came out as, I need validation. Dang it. And I deserve this because I work so hard. Lora Cheadle [00:12:28]: And if I’m not going to get the recognition I deserve over here, I’m going to get this over here. And it was this need for validation. So then it came out as blaming me. Like, I did this because you don’t validate me. I did this because you don’t even appreciate what I did. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s. It wasn’t about me. Lora Cheadle [00:12:47]: It was about what he couldn’t communicate. He felt he got his feelings hurt. That was the phrase that he learned early on. I got my feelings hurt. And he was like, whoa, I did. I got my feelings hurt. And I never even realized I got my feelings hurt. And he’s like, nor could I have communicated, hey, it hurt my feelings when. Lora Cheadle [00:13:16]: If he would have communicated that, I would like to think that I would have been in a loving, connected enough space that I could have said, oh, I am so sorry. I totally understand. I apologize. Here’s what I will do to help that. But instead, it spiraled into this intense frustration that his feelings were hurt and he couldn’t identify it and he couldn’t communicate it. So then he spun this story up in his head that it’s all her fault. And I’m just going to go over here because this person’s going to validate me, and this person is not going to do that to me. And this person is here when I need them. Lora Cheadle [00:14:04]: So wherever you are on the journey, I ask you to take some time and to think about your reasons why. And I challenge you when you do the because to make it because I. Not because you, not because they not because of any reason, but because I, I. And not because I’m entitled to it or not because I deserve it, but because I had an unmet need, an emotional unmet need. Because I felt sad, I felt shame, I felt whatever it was. But to let that work deeper within you so you can identify what it was not. I had a need for a better partner. But what are your needs? Even if it’s. Lora Cheadle [00:15:18]: I had this need because I wasn’t getting enough sex. Well, what was that meaning about you? Were you feeling abandoned? Were you feeling unattractive? Were you feeling not good enough? Because I was not feeling good enough. I was not secure in myself or the relationship. Go in and really get to the core, the root of your reason why. Let me tell you a little secret around that. I do men’s sessions, I do women’s sessions, and I do couples sessions. And 98, 99% of the sessions that are just with the men or that are the sessions with the couples, the question comes up, why? Why did you do it? How could you. And like 98, 99% of the men say, I don’t know. Lora Cheadle [00:16:16]: And then the women are like, how do you not know? And what I say so often is, they don’t know, you don’t know, and it makes sense that you don’t know. Do you want to know why it makes sense that you don’t know why you did. Makes perfect sense that you don’t know why you did it. If you have had. Would have had the ability to identify what. What is going on? What is that root pain? What is that root discomfort? If you would have been able to identify it, then you could have done something about it. If you would have been able to correctly identify. My feelings have been hurt. Lora Cheadle [00:17:03]: These things that happened with my career make me feel very emasculated, and I hate feeling that way. I’m feeling rejected and feeling abandoned. I’m feeling afraid. I’m feeling whatever. Had you been able to identify it, then I guarantee you wouldn’t have cheated because you would have been able to address it and we wouldn’t be here together on this podcast. So for the men who are like, and again, it’s like the 0.1%, 1%, 0.1%. Hardly any men are. Are able to just off the top of their head the first few months, correctly articulate, yeah, this is what I did it and why. Lora Cheadle [00:17:49]: Those are the sociopaths or the psychopaths or the people with some sort of personality disorder. Those are the evil people. You are an evil person. If you’re like, yeah, I’m doing this for this reason, I’m doing this for that reason. And yep, I didn’t choose to fix my problem. I chose to lean into cheating. That doesn’t happen. In all of my years doing this, I have never met a man who is like, yeah, this is why I did it. Lora Cheadle [00:18:16]: The ones who have said this is why I did it, they’re deflecting, they’re blaming and they’re saying that because they don’t know and they feel put on the spot. And you, I know you feel so put on the spot. A fair recovery is so hard for the betrayer because you are the one that is expected to have all of the answers. You are the one that is expected to have all of the insight and you are the one that is expected to hold all of this space for the healing of the person that you hurt. When you’re hurting too. When you are hurting too. Because it hurts us to hurt other people. It hurts us to make mistakes. Lora Cheadle [00:19:15]: And when we are in the position of being the one who is the perpetrator. The world does not have empathy or sympathy or understanding or anything for us. The world just has judgment and oh my God, that hurts. That hurts. So I think the first thing that I want you to know is I understand how much this hurts you. I understand that you are in pain too. And it’s two I understand that you are in pain too. And this is not about making one person’s pain greater or less than the other person. Lora Cheadle [00:20:00]: As a betrayed partner, I. The pain was going to be all about me because I was caught off guard. I had the rug pulled out from under me. But I also had to realize my partner was hurting too. My husband was hurting too. And my pain was so great, it was really hard to find any, any space for him early on. Later that space came and that’s that second thing I want you to know. Even if your partner is enraged and furious or collapsed and in total grief, with time, with intervention, with a shift in perspective, they love you. Lora Cheadle [00:20:56]: They have loved you or they wouldn’t still be with you. They can start seeing your pain eventually. They can start having compassion and understanding for you eventually. And here is how to help the them move forward on that path. So they can quit being so angry, so mean, attacking you all the time, questioning you all the time, throwing it in your face all the time. So they can start moving back to that partnership, whether it is maintaining the marriage or just being co parents or separating somewhat amicably so they can Start having that compassion and understanding for you so you can stop walking on eggshells, so you can start doing your healing, so you can start exploring different things about you and what you did, and you can start making amends, not only to them, but really most importantly to yourself. That was another thing that was huge for my husband, the realization that he betrayed himself. He betrayed his core, he betrayed his ideals, his beliefs. Lora Cheadle [00:22:28]: He acted in a way that was not in alignment with who he knows himself to be. And that was the biggest betrayal of all. And no, I didn’t just see that in three weeks time and say, oh, honey, let’s move on. No, no, no. It took time. Okay, so how can you help your partner heal? How can you help them come to the space where they have more compassion and understanding for you? The very first thing you can do is have empathy for them. I know it’s hard when you’re in this huge state of panic because you just got caught and your whole world is crumbling around you. We go into fight, flight, freeze or fix. Lora Cheadle [00:23:21]: Your life is crumbling. You either think, I’ve got a fight, I’ve got to get out of here. Oh my gosh, I’m just not going to talk to anybody. I’m going to freeze, I’m going to start fixing it all. Whatever you’re doing early on is a nervous system trauma response because you have just been hijacked. D day hijacks your nervous system just as much as it hijacks your partner’s nervous system. And when you can be aware, oh, I am reacting instead of responding, I am in survival mode, you can start finding some tools to slow yourself down. Breathing, taking a walk, taking a run, lifting some weights. Lora Cheadle [00:24:14]: Do not scroll on your phone. Do not scroll on your phone. Breathe, talk to somebody. Be with animals, be with nature, get outside. Disengage from all of the things that led to the affair in the first place. Whether it’s social media, whether it’s scrolling, whether it’s emails. Disengage from all of that and get back to your roots. What did you like doing when you were a boy? Did you shoot hoops in the driveway? Did you hang out on your bike? What are those things that you did? Did you like to camp? Did you fish? Did you hunt? What are all of those things? Get back to some of those things to bring calm and regulation to your nervous system. Lora Cheadle [00:25:12]: Once you start regulating your nervous system, then you can start regulating your partners. Know that for the short run, it is going to be about them. You have to serve them first, she goes first. Then you can have your needs met, calm your nervous system, and then be of service. Men are amazing at providing. This is you being a provider. I calm myself and I provide for you. I calm myself and I provide for you. Lora Cheadle [00:25:48]: I calm myself and I provide for you. The second step from there is moving into that space of accountability. And I know that that’s a big word that feels very scary. And I. And I don’t mean it like, oh, my God, you’ve got to be accountable. What I mean by accountability, do what you say you’re gonna do. I mean, it’s really simple. If you say, I will be home at a certain time, be home at that time. Lora Cheadle [00:26:24]: If you say, I’m going to call at a certain time, call at that certain time. If you say, whatever it is, do that thing. And so many men say to me, I’m not going to do that because it feels like she’s my mom and I’m an adult now. She’s not going to be my mom and she can’t tell me what to do. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And what I always say is, that is your nerv system. That is you being a hurt little boy again. You are an adult man. Lora Cheadle [00:26:52]: Nobody is telling you what to do. Nobody is acting as your mom. This is you stepping up and being accountable because you’re an adult. It’s you stepping up and being accountable because you love this person. And it’s you stepping up and being an accountable because you honor yourself. This is about honor, you guys. This is about honor. It’s not about the little game of who says what and I get my own privacy and she can’t have my password and it’s my phone. Lora Cheadle [00:27:23]: This is honor. This is not the rest of your life. This is short term proving that you’re trustworthy. I do a lot of classes with my women around learning how to trust again. And what I say to them is, I do not want to teach you how to trust again. What I want to teach you to do is find somebody who’s trustworthy. And I want you to be able to ascertain whether or not this person is trustworthy. Because if all I do is focus on teaching you how to trust again, then you’re going to start trusting the wrong people and then you’re going to get hurt. Lora Cheadle [00:28:06]: The question is not whether or not your trust trust has been broken. The question is, is somebody trustworthy? And I want you to think about that. This is not about getting your wife to trust you. This is about you becoming trustworthy. How do you become trustworthy? You become trustworthy by demonstrating acts of trust. You don’t have to live the rest of your life with this super duper high level of, oh, my gosh, here is my phone. Castrate me, why don’t you? This is about showing yourself to be trustworthy. This is about being trustworthy. Lora Cheadle [00:28:51]: And most importantly, this is about lining back up with who you are and who you have always been. Are you a trustworthy person? If the answer is no, how do you feel about that? Because most men are high integrity. Most men want to live in that kind of world where like, yeah, my handshake, my word, yes, you can count on me. I am a rock. Most men want to be trusted because they are trustworthy. If that’s not you, if you don’t want to be trustworthy, I can’t help you with that. And your relationship is probably not going to go forward if you’re like, no, actually, I just want to take advantage. This show is not for you if that’s the kind of person you are. Lora Cheadle [00:29:45]: But how do you get back in line with your honor? You get back in line with your honor by being honorable, by being trustworthy. And again, it’s not about showing your partner. There are elements of showing your partner. I’m not going to say there’s not, but it’s about showing yourself. It’s about reminding yourself who I am. My husband says he. He forgot. He said he would get so into sometimes living this illusion of what he thought, what he thought he should be like the cool guy, you know, the. Lora Cheadle [00:30:35]: The. The wealthy guy, the suave guy, the James Bond guy, the guy who has a wife and mistress and a girlfriend. And he was like. He leaned into that, even though that’s not who he was. And although D day in this whole journey has been terrifying for him, it has brought him back home to his core as well. And for that, he is eternally grateful. And so am I, because that’s who he was all along. Now, after showing that empathy, after being accountable by leaning back into your own honor, your own trustworthiness, the next thing is to start making amends. Lora Cheadle [00:31:27]: And again, this is not groveling. I often say I don’t really believe in forgiveness because forgiveness is a hierarchical concept. God forgives man because God is above man. I can’t forgive you. I’m not above you. You need to forgive yourself. I can forgive, but my forgiveness releases me. It’s not that I can grant that over you. Lora Cheadle [00:32:03]: It’s not that your wife can bing grant you forgiveness? And then it’s just all good. I forgive the misperceptions that my husband and I were both under. I forgive him for making mistakes and for having pain. I forgive myself. I forgive these different things. But it’s not like I can just go Bing and grant forgiveness and everything is washed away. And your wife can’t forgive you like that either. And it’s not really about seeking her forgiveness and proving your worth. Lora Cheadle [00:32:45]: How can you forgive yourself? How can you feel that pain and that shame and that guilt and I mean, really feel it? I’m going to talk about that next and forgive yourself because it was a horrific mistake that impacted a lot of people. How do you sit with that? How do you live with that? How do you move forward with that in a fully integrated way? We’re going to talk about that in a second. But this is what making amends is about. It’s about what are the things that you can do that demonstrate who you are and that you understand how painful this was. Making amends is the action. We can all learn new skills or get new insights. And when we have those new skills or those new insights and we keep them in our head, like, yeah, I get this. But then we don’t do anything different. Lora Cheadle [00:33:59]: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Me having this huge internal shift and understanding things differently makes no impact on myself or the world unless I behave differently. Accountability is about behaving differently. So you now understand your feelings more, your pain points more, you understand how harmful this behavior was. You understand all of these things differently right now. Right? So what are you going to do with that? How are you going to show up differently? Because it’s not. Oh, I get it, honey. Lora Cheadle [00:34:42]: I’m really sorry. And I get it. Good. And now what? That accountability piece is the action. And with a lot of the men that I work with, they don’t know what action step to take because it’s like, how do I show up and my wife is hurt and how do I do these things that don’t trigger her? Because I feel like everything that I do triggers her. And I had this one guy, bless his heart, he’s like. So I really wanted to take accountability. So I went to the same hotel that I took my affair partner to, and I got a room there, and I made us a dinner reservation at the same restaurant that I took my affair partner to. Lora Cheadle [00:35:26]: And she and I were going to go out together and have dinner and stay in that hotel and reclaim it. And I’m like, oh, no, great idea. That’s what I’m talking about with the accountability is taking the steps. But that’s worse. Talk to your wife about it. Maybe she wants that, maybe she wants that. Maybe that would be healing for her. But to me, not so much. Lora Cheadle [00:35:54]: Not so much. There are some places that I do want to go back to that I do want to revisit, and there are places that I never freaking want to touch or think about for the rest of my life. So it’s about having the conversations and figuring things out and what will work for you. And I want to do something differently. And now I’m going to ask you these things. And now I’m going to seek support from you in this way. And now I’m going to offer this to you. And now I’m going to the accountability is the doing piece. Lora Cheadle [00:36:28]: Now, a couple of minutes ago, I talked about how hard this was and feeling it all. And I’ve got, what, several different sticky notes sitting here, Notes from my husband that he’s like, you have to share this, and you have to share this, and you have to share this. The first thing he said was, tell them to feel it all. Tell them to feel it all. And he reminded that early on in our recovery, I put a sticky note on his bathroom mirror. And the sticky note said, feel it all. And how profound that was for him, because as a man, he was not used to feeling, and he was wildly uncomfortable feeling, he hated feeling. He would so much rather drink and numb it out, binge, watch sports, numb it out, scroll on social media, numb it out, go out with his buddies, you know, distract, divert, and numb it out. Lora Cheadle [00:37:33]: And what he said to tell you all is to remind you that you are strong enough to feel it all, you are strong enough to feel it all, and to allow yourself that gift of finally feeling it all instead of fleeing from the pain or turning that pain into anger. That was one of his defaults when he would feel it all, he would go into anger and how profound it was for him to start feeling, and that it was scary at times when he would well up with tears at work, which he said happened a few times. He wasn’t used to crying. He wasn’t used to feeling it, and it felt icky inside. And what he said was, it’s okay not to be comfortable. It’s okay not to be comfortable. It’s okay to feel bad, and it’s okay for your wife to feel bad, too. It’s not always up to you to fix everything. Lora Cheadle [00:38:48]: And how can you Sit there and feel it all. And how can you sit there and let your wife or your partner feel it all too? Because that’s a lot, and that’s. That’s hard. Another tip that he wanted me to share was the releasing of attachments. Both the releasing of attachments to the affair partner or affair partners, but also the power of a releasing attachment to the identity of being a cheater. Because like he says, that’s no longer me. I didn’t start out as a cheater. I never wanted to be a cheater, and I’m not one anymore. Lora Cheadle [00:39:42]: And my question around that to you is, how. How do you identify yourself? Because again, if you’re like, yeah, I’m a cheater, then this isn’t the show for you. And if you’re like, no, I really do see myself as a good person, as a good man, as a good husband, a good father, then how do we get back to that identity? Because that is your core. And for him, what he really liked to do. I’m standing up now, is stand up, root his feet into the floor, hold his arms down by his side like he was carrying two heavy suitcases that could pull his shoulder down. And he would breathe into his body. And he said he would energetically sometimes feel, like these cords popping off of him or weight lifting off of his shoulder. That was these old parts of his identity. Lora Cheadle [00:40:39]: There’d be a connection to another woman, a connection to a situation, a connection to pain, to a belief, to that identity, because that was something that he also got trapped in. And this is also so common. And I want you to know you’re normal if you feel this way. He said the first time he cheated, it was like, holy bananas. I just did that. And then it was easier the next time because I’ve already done that. And then it was even easier the next time because I’ve already done that. It’s just who I am, and it’s what I do. Lora Cheadle [00:41:21]: And he morphed into that identity. And this is about morphing back out of that identity much quicker, much more quickly. And what I’d like you to do, if you can stand up right now, I want you to designate one side, one spot, like your identity of a cheater, and stand there. Like, physically stand there in your identity of a cheater. Stand there. And I want you to feel like those attachments, those cords pop off of you, fall off of you. And when you’re ready, I want you to physically step out of that identity, whether it’s a big step to the Left or a big step to the right or a big step forward or wherever. Step in, step, step and root there. Lora Cheadle [00:42:21]: And I want you to stand in that identity. Stand in that identity of a man of integrity, a man of honor, a trustworthy human, a kind, compassionate, emotionally connected person. And use that little stepping technique whenever you need to. Whenever you are feeling bogged down, step out of it physically. Another thing that he would do is he would take his hands and sometimes like brushing things off. Like, he’d brush down his arms, he’d brush down his legs, he’d brush down his waist and like brush off the energy of these other people, the energy of this toxic situation. Sometimes he would take his fists and knock on his head and like brush out these damaging thoughts because for him, he would spin up these thoughts and these stories in his head which would allow him and justify the cheating. So he’d be like, ugh, get out of this. Lora Cheadle [00:43:27]: And, and this is, this is man self care. This is self care for the betrayer. Because you need self care too. So much of this hinges on you. Your wife’s healing hinges on you in a certain, to a certain regard, becoming healthy and integrated with yourself. And it is about that integration. How can you feel it all? How can you step into your core identity? How can you go back to understand those reasons why? And how can you build new skills to get the help and the support that you need? Because we’re all human and we all need help and support along the way. So in the future when you feel bad again, cheating doesn’t become the solution that you reach for. Lora Cheadle [00:44:23]: I often say cheating is a solution, it’s coping behaviors. It’s not a healthy coping behavior, but it’s just like anything else. Some, some people gamble, some people drink, some people have too much sugar, some people aren’t binge online shop. Some people cheat. They cheat because it helps them feel better. In some regard. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism, but it is a coping mechan nonetheless. So how do you break a habit? How do you find a coping mechanism that works? Well, first you have to really get in touch with what is it that I’m feeling. Lora Cheadle [00:45:04]: And then you can figure out what is that coping mechanism that works. Talking with my spouse, talking with a therapist, talking with the coach, getting a, you know, a personal trainer, enjoying learning to play pickleball. Like, what are all of these different things that you can do to burn off steam and to build up your own sense of self? A big one is healing the boy inside. We live in a Very toxic world. And there’s been so much focus on the damage that has been done to little girls. You know, our voice is stuffed down. We’re told to sit still and look pretty. We’re told to smile. Lora Cheadle [00:46:01]: We’re told the damage that the patriarchy has done and is continuing to do to girls and women is front and center, thankfully, and it’s about time. And yet still, men are very damaged by our world, by the patriarchy, by the system as well. And there are a lot of little boys that are getting lost, and there’s a lot of hurt little boys who grow up to be men in these big, strong, manly bodies, and they don’t have the tools or the skills or the resources, and they don’t feel good. And it’s no more your fault than it is anybody else’s fault for growing up being wounded. Whether you had the most traumatic childhood in the world. My husband’s was extremely traumatic, or you had the best one, you still have that hurt little boy inside of you. And because of our culture, it’s so much easier for women to be like, I’m going to parent my inner child and I’m going to get in touch with my little girl. And men are like, eye roll. Lora Cheadle [00:47:09]: What does that even mean? And let me tell you this, the reason it’s eye roll, what does that even mean? Is because as a man, I’m supposed to be competent, and I don’t know how to do stuff like that. So I feel incompetent and incapable. So I’m going to make fun of it and I’m going to scoff. That’s why a lot of men don’t do personal development work, because they don’t know how to do it. And it feels scary because nobody wants to be incompetent. And society tells us that men have to be competent. Society incorrectly tells us that men have to be good and strong and get things done right. So, yeah, when somebody tells you, get in touch with that wounded little boy, it’s like, go, what does that even mean? And so many people, men and women, are also, like, sexually abused. Lora Cheadle [00:47:59]: Well, for a man to say, as a boy, I was sexually abused, that also is harder for a man to say because the implication with that is, and as a man, as a boy, I should have fought him off. I should have known better. I should have. And then, like the whole stupid homosexual fear that so many men have if they were abused by another man, oh, my God, what does that make me? It makes you nothing. It makes you somebody who is Victimized. That’s it. The end. Let’s start working on skills to address that. Lora Cheadle [00:48:32]: Let’s start figuring out how you can hold the shame and the pain around that. Let’s start talking about it and feeling it and healing it and reparenting you. And let’s start truly becoming the man I know you are and were always meant to be, where you can hold space for yourself, for your healing, for your partner, for your wife, for your kids, for your family, for all the people, no matter what, so you can live that life of integrity, so you can finally feel really good and connected to yourself again. So many people say, so many men say they feel like they’re walking on eggshells all the time. They never know when their wife is going to come up with another question. They always are afraid that they’re going to be attacked. And then they feel like a little boy, and then they feel shamed and they feel controlled and all of this stuff. You’re normal. Lora Cheadle [00:49:36]: If you feel that way, you are normal. If this feels terrifying, you are normal. If it feels like you’re walking on eggshells, you are normal. If you feel like you can’t get it right and you don’t know what to do and you are normal if you’re like, I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I did it. It makes no sense to me either. That’s normal. I know you’re not making it up. I know that you don’t know because I said earlier, if you knew, you wouldn’t be here. Lora Cheadle [00:50:10]: Let’s start having this conversation. Let’s get deep, let’s go slow, and let’s find ways where you can boundary yourself at the same time as holding space for your wife. Let me help you create that safety so you don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells. And then let me show you how to step into your masculine where you can root down, pretend you’re holding those two suitcases, feel all of it, feel her rage and be that container for her so she can start flowing and feeling her own energy and her own emotion as well. Now, it is my hope, first and foremost, that this show has filled you with a little bit of light, with a little bit of hope that, oh, my God, I’m not crazy. It’s not hopeless. My husband and I are still together seven and a half years later. We are happier than before. Lora Cheadle [00:51:17]: We are healthier than before. He is a better human. He’s back to being who he always knew he could be and who he knew he really was inside. He’s done a couple podcasts. We’re going to film another, more, another one really soon. He was going to be on this show and then he’s like, no, you talk about it first and then we’ll sit, sit down and we’ll do a follow up. So check out those shows. You can create the life and the relationships that you want going forward. Lora Cheadle [00:51:44]: You are a strong, powerful creator. You are strong and powerful enough that you can feel it all, that you can create it all. You can heal and you can help your partner heal and keep all the other balls spinning too, because that is your gift as a man. And it’s when we set down some of this other stuff that it frees you up to really lean into the strength and power of who you are. So I hope, first and foremost, that this episode brought you hope and insight and gave you a couple tools like stepping physically out or brushing that energy physically off your body. Have a conversation with your wife. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but take some breaths and speak from your gut. Don’t speak from your head, dear God, don’t speak from your head. Lora Cheadle [00:52:42]: Move your awareness physically inside your body, inside your gut, and speak as if your voice were coming out of your gut and have a conversation with her. Ask her what she needs. Ask for what you need. And if you want to meet with me one on one, let’s do that too. And if you want to meet as a couple, let’s do that too. I look forward to our connection. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.