Stop Controlling. Start Directing: The Shift That Heals Your Life After Betrayal

Lora Cheadle [00:00:03]:
Do you know the difference between controlling life and directing it? Because really understanding that difference is a shift. It's an understanding that will change everything about your betrayal recovery journey. Let me tell you why most women think they are taking control. You know, they find out about their partner's affair, they finally admit, like, all of these things that have been driving them crazy all along. And they're like, I'm taking control. I'm taking back my life. I'm doing this. No longer is this going to happen.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:41]:
I'm setting up a boundary. And they think it's a good thing. But what they're really doing is managing the chaos, managing the trauma from an activated nervous system, from a place that does not feel safe. They are leaning into this hyper, you go girl type of an energy that is an unhealthy trauma response.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:13]:
Self direction, which is completely different than control, is a soul response. And today we're going to break that down. We're going to really talk about the difference between taking control from a place of over functioning from a place of trauma and directing your life, creating your life, as I like to say, choreographing your life.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:43]:
We're going to talk about the difference, why it matters. I'm going to give you a lot of helpful tips and tricks so you might want to have something to take notes with and you might end up listening to this episode a couple of different times because it's going to change the way that you think, it's going to change the way that you respond. And I think most importantly, it is going to change the way that you heal. But before we get into the show, I want to remind you to do a couple of different things. Number one, subscribe. Subscribe to the show. Leave a review. Rate the show.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:24]:
Why? Because so many people like us are traumatized when we find out that our partner has been betraying us and we don't know who to trust. And it's really vitally important for you to tell your story in the form of, this is how this show helped me. This is how this wisdom helped me. This is what this podcast has done for me. So other people like you, like me, can be like, okay, this is a trustworthy place. This is not a hate filled place. We're not bashing on my partner. We're not bashing on me.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:01]:
There's no agenda that you have to leave or that you have to stay. Yay. This is a safe place for me. So take a moment, subscribe. Like, please leave a review that would be really, really helpful and Then the second ask that I have of you is reach out. Please reach out. If you go to introductory session.com, you can book your $97 introductory session. It's a full hour, just me and you on zoom talking about this.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:34]:
If you want it to be between you and me and your partner, that's great too. I work with women, I work with men, and I work with couples. And I think what makes my work so different is twofold. One, I've been there. I have been there too. So I know exactly what's going on for you, for your partner, all of that stuff. I've got a lot of compassion. Some people don't like it, but I've got a lot of compassion for both of you, both for the betrayer and the betrayed.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:05]:
And then also my healing focus focuses on integrative healing. I am not just going to talk with you and figure some things out. I get into the body, I get into the soul contracts, I get into the spiritual realm. When you work with me, it is total, complete, 360 degree healing all the way around. We work with the mind, we work with the body, we work with the spirit. As a lawyer, I'm going to give you all of the safety tips I can help you figure out. Is it safe to leave, Is it safe to stay? What might a divorce look like in your jurisdiction? We're going to go through all aspects of things. You're not going to spend years in therapy with me.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:58]:
I am a coach. I'm going to give you the practical steps and the insight and the wisdom to move ahead quickly.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:08]:
Once I heard Esther Hicks say, and Esther Hicks is a spiritual channel and I just love her work, she. She has impacted me in so many different ways. But at one point she said, you can spend 10 years in therapy or you can spend 10 weeks with me and you're going to arrive at the same place. What would you rather do? And I love that. And I feel like that's how I am when people work with me. My favorite way to work is in a six month package, but at the end of that six months, you have taken significant steps forward. I don't want to say you are healed, but you know who you are, you know what's going on. And for the most part, yeah, you are healed.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:56]:
And if you were wondering what I mean by healed, really, the way I look at healed is you have solid edges, you know who you are, you know where you stop, you know where other people begin, you know what you are and are not willing to Tolerate, you know what you want. That's a huge one. And we're going to talk about that a little bit later. But so many women that I work with say I don't know what I want. And it's like I get that because I too spent so many years serving other people, caring for other people, doing everything for everybody else. And my needs got lost in the, in the process. And it was like, do you want. I don't know, I just want to be happy.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:38]:
I don't know, I just want to feel like myself again. Well, that's great and that's a start. But what does that mean? What does it mean to feel like yourself again? What does it mean to be happy? What does it mean to be at peace? And during our six months together, we really get down into the nitty gritty of that. So you, you know yourself like you know yourself maybe at the deepest level you ever have because you have the time and you have me quite literally by your side in your ear. Every day in voxer support, we talk. We talk every day. Do you want a best friend? I am your new best friend. We talk every day if you want.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:24]:
We trade emails, I give you questions and guidance and journal prompts. I've got meditations and hypnosis and videos. And like whatever you need, you've got. So you have the self directed excavation of yourself. And at the end of our time together, you are so incredibly clear about who you are and what you want and how to communicate and how to advocate, how to advocate for yourself without feeling guilty, without feeling mean, without feeling whatever it is. So you can finally really get your needs met. Because you're so clear with who you are. More on that later.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:09]:
But I just wanted to start the show by saying please subscribe, rate and review and please reach out for your $97 introductory session, introductory session.com so we can start, start the ball rolling so you can really start this holistic healing cycle. And in a year from now, you're not still going to be confused, you're not still going to be hurt, you're not still going to be stuck and trapped. Anyway, thank you for all of that. I can't wait for our conversation. Plus, it's just so much fun to meet all of you. Okay, we are going to talk about how to stop controlling and start directing. Like I said, control is a trauma response and self direction is a sole response. Whenever we try to force outcomes, especially somebody else's behavior, it's control.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:14]:
Who can we control? We can control ourselves. That's it yet? How much time and effort do you spend trying to control somebody else? If you're anything like me, Especially after infidelity, there was so much that I wanted to control. I wanted to control what my husband did. I wanted control over his phone and his passwords and his bank accounts. But I also really wished I could control the way that he thought and the way that he felt and the things that he did. And there was this time in our healing, too, where we were learning and growing and changing, and I wanted to start asking for the things that I wanted. I wanted to start advocating for my own needs. I wanted to start expressing myself and letting him know, like, the consequence of your behavior is, you know, this, that, and the other thing when you do this, this is how I feel.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:21]:
And in the past, he was horrible at that. Anytime I would bring up anything, he would take it as a complaint. You know, it didn't matter what it was. It didn't matter how I phrased it. He would take it as a complaint like he had done something wrong. And then he would start defending and saying it's not true and then invalidating me. And it led to the kind of relationship where I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I didn't want to bring anything up, because I knew I wasn't going to get my needs met anyway. So why bother saying anything when it's only going to lead to a fight? I'm curious if you felt that way too, because it's not a fun way to live.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:12]:
So after infidelity, I'm like, this is great. We are rebuilding ourselves. I know that. I'm not going to tolerate that anymore. I have needs, and I deserve to get my needs met. If he's uncomfortable with me asking, then he needs to do some work around that. That's on him. I.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:29]:
I can be mindful, and I can be aware that. That he gets triggered. I can be mindful, and I can be aware that he gets defensive. And yes, I can learn how to soften my ask. Or I can learn to ask in a way that might not be as likely to trigger him. But I am no longer going to stuff it down. I'm no longer going to not ask. I'm no longer going to not give the feedback.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:56]:
So I. I was so excited because finally I was gonna get the marriage I always wanted. I was gonna get my needs met. I'm super excited about this. And I would want to control his response. I would come at him and say something with this whole plan. In my head about how new, empathetic, high touch Sean was going to react. And then pretty much nine times out of ten, he wouldn't react that way.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:28]:
And I would have been so locked into my head that this was the response that I wanted, that I would reject it because I couldn't receive it, because it wasn't exactly what I had in mind. And what I failed to see was.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:47]:
How good he was doing. What I failed to see was the fact that, wow, he is responding differently. It's just in a different way than I would have responded if a girlfriend would have asked me that or if I would have asked a girlfriend that. So that's an example of controlling behavior. It makes sense that I would have wanted to control his phone, his passwords, his thoughts, his whereabouts. Like it makes sense because it was a trauma response. But then I got locked into that control and I was controlling things to the point that it became detrimental to me because I couldn't see the good things that he was doing without rejecting them. Because I had this idea that I needed to control it.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:40]:
And then it led to more problems.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:44]:
That controlling.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:47]:
Shuts you down. It shuts your partner down. When we try to control, we control from a disempowered state. We control with the energy that you're gonna hurt me. I can't trust you. This isn't gonna work out unless I have my sticky little fingers in the pie. And many men find it very emasculating because why do you have to be involved in everything? Why can't you just let me decide?

Lora Cheadle [00:14:23]:
And I'm curious, in your own life, can you look back at situations and see where you were being overly controlling.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:35]:
Right now? Can you see the ways where you're trying to control and manage your recovery? And an unhealthy way, his recovery, your couplehood, whatever it is. Where are the ways you were controlling? Where are the ways you have an assumption that things will not work out unless I do it?

Lora Cheadle [00:14:59]:
And I think what's hard about that is as an over functioner who was emotionally neglected in a lot of ways and whose marriage did get a little bit toxic and unhealthy, I was used to over functioning because the fact was if I didn't control things, things would fall apart.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:21]:
And that's the rub right there. And that's what I hear so many women say. They're like, I hear you, but here's the thing. If I don't load the dishwasher, nobody else will. If I don't fight for the marriage, nobody else Will if I don't whatever, nobody else will.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:37]:
And the answer is yes and yes, you're right, it might not. The dishwasher might not get loaded, the marriage might not get fought for. But where are you willing to open yourself up and to take your hands off the wheel and to move into a state of self direction and acceptance?

Lora Cheadle [00:16:01]:
And I'm going to talk a little bit about self direction and acceptance before I give you some more practical tips. Self direction is a soul response. It is how we lead our life with clarity, with truth. It's how we lead ourselves to be the leader and to be the follower when appropriate. It's how we open ourselves up to being receptive.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:33]:
One of my favorite phrases is if you've got a decision to make between choice one and choice two, choose choice three.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:44]:
Because that's so often how it is. We think things are black or white, yes or no, left, right, up, down, and really the right decision is often not the option that's being presented and that's that control piece. We think something has to look a certain way. Healing has to look a certain way. Empathy has to look a certain way. Healthy relationships have to look a certain way. Accountability has to look a certain way. Boundaries have to look a certain way.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:15]:
Think about all of that healing lingo. Even disclosures, therapeutic disclosures have to look a certain way. Think about all of those things and all of the boxes that you have in your mind around them.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:30]:
How could they look different?

Lora Cheadle [00:17:33]:
Directing your life is moving into that space of acceptance.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:41]:
And openness where you allow yourself to receive. It might not be the way that you wanted to receive empathy. It might be something different and it might end up being something that you like better.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:57]:
How do you receive? How do you let things flow?

Lora Cheadle [00:18:04]:
When you are directing your life, you are directing from that place of empowerment. I am showing up fully. You know, I talked earlier about having your edges defined. I am showing up fully with my edges defined. I know who I am. I know what I will tolerate. I know that I am capable of managing my emotions, whatever, so I can be empowered enough to stand here and to see what you bring.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:33]:
And that's where we get the clarity whether we should go or stay. That's where we get the clarity whether this relationship is going to work or whether this house is the right house to move into, or this job is the right job to take, or whatever decision that is. We are in that empowered state of being receptive and being open. And I am directing myself towards what I want and I'm not controlling How I get there.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:04]:
It'S like, you know, when you use GPS and sometimes it gives you a different option and you're like, oh, great. Do you want, do you want to avoid the slowdown? Yes, I do. And you take it. And sometimes, sometimes we even want to control that. No, I don't, I don't, I don't want that route. And I mean, that's fair, too. That's gps. That's not a relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:26]:
But it's the idea of if somebody's offering you a different way, maybe it's a better way. And when you're empowered, you can stay open and you can move into that place of curiosity and you can receive.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:46]:
When you're controlled or controlling, that's not strength, that's not power. That's fear. Whenever you control, you are in a state of fear.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:01]:
And that's a blanket statement. Whenever you control, you are in a state of fear.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:07]:
You are in a belief system that it will be wrong if it's not done your way.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:16]:
And I'm not necessarily saying that's always bad, but it's something to be aware of. Yes, I do think the way I load the dishwasher is best. I do. But if I'm going to control that it's from a place of fear, that somebody else is not going to do it right now, that's a low level of fear. It's not that I really sit there and fear it, but it's. It's a fear that they won't do it right, that I do have the right way and they're doing it wrong. So I have to control it all the way up to the high level fear. I have got to control the way my husband thinks and feels and behaves.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:01]:
And because, oh my God, if I don't control his every move, he's going to cheat again and then I'm going to get left and then I'm going to look like a fool or whatever it is. That's a high level of fear. When we try to control, we are in a state of fear. And when we are directing, it's like the movie director, the movie director can guide Meryl Streep, but she's a genius in her own right. And she might end up doing something different with the character, with the scene, with the script that is so much better.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:38]:
So set her free, direct her and have that space for her own creative genius.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:47]:
And that's how it is when we're creating our lives, too. Define your edges, know who you are, figure out what you want Put the stake in the grass wherever you want your steak to be staked down.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:04]:
And then flow to get there.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:07]:
Take your hands off the wheel, but keep your eyes on the prize and see how you can get there. Because maybe somebody else has a better route. Maybe somebody else sees something that you can't see. Maybe you haven't imagined this kind of a relationship because you've never had it before, but once you get it, you'll go, oh my gosh, this is exactly what I wanted, but I didn't know that I need it. That's the power of direction. It's self leadership. It's grounded clarity. I know who I am.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:46]:
I want peace and love and happiness and want to have a healthy, physically fit body. And I want to have a marriage where we are.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:58]:
Mutually supportive of each other, where we tend to each other's emotional, physical, mental well being, where we blah, blah, blah. And I can put all of these things there.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:09]:
And then somebody else might have a better idea. Well, Lora, what about respect? Oh my gosh, I totally forgot. Respect. Yeah, I really. Tell me more about that, you know what I mean? Or what about this kind? What about spiritual wellness? You, you didn't talk about that. Oh my gosh, you're right. Okay, to me, this is what that looks like. But then somebody else can take you to that next level.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:32]:
That's that self leadership. That I know what I want and I'm open to receiving it in a lot of different ways. And I'm also open to, is there more? Is there more? Can you tell me what else is there? Is there more?

Lora Cheadle [00:23:48]:
After betrayal.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:51]:
This all gets tangled up because your safety has been shattered. Your nervous system defaults to control as a way to protect itself. So it makes sense that you're being controlling also. Historically, women and power.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:13]:
Women in power, Women have not had power historically. The way a woman has power is by manipulation. Historically speaking, when women couldn't earn income, hold property, do anything like that, the only way for a woman to exert control was to control and manipulate her man, was to control and manipulate the system. Historically, women have not been in that self directed position because they couldn't. I don't care who you were. If you didn't have access to resources, you can only direct yourself so far before you need to follow the rules or manipulate or control somebody else. So take the historical context of being a woman.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:07]:
The way to control has been, I don't really want to say taught, but it's been handed down generation to generation from women who have less power and Control than you. So although women have more control, have more power, have access to capital, all of that stuff, we have been brought up by women who had less power, who were also brought up by women who had even less power power. So there is that lineage of women needing to control men. There is a narrative in our society about men being bumbling idiots when it comes to like raising kids or losing loading the dishwasher or having emotional intelligence.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:54]:
And it can be a joke.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:58]:
And it can be true. And men can also lean into that. That's that whole weaponized incompetence. So when men are leaning in and weaponizing their perceived incompetence, and we have been brought up in a lineage of having no rights and having no ability to direct ourselves, then we default into being overly controlling.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:23]:
And you add in betrayal with a whole traumatic situation and then having the nervous system response kick up. It makes sense that after infidelity you become controlling and fearful.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:42]:
And that's what I really want to break down and shift going forward. We've talked about what control is, We've talked about what self direction is. We've talked about why you're probably controlling. And I'm just going to say that I got controlling, you probably got controlling. And it's okay because it makes sense. It's a trauma response. You're there, but I want to lead you into.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:12]:
Self direction.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:14]:
Okay? Control is over monitoring your partner's behavior. Control is over planning, overachieving, over functioning. Controlling is try to predict an outcome. He's going to respond to me this way unless he says these words. It's not empathy. Control is shutting down emotionally when things aren't going exactly the way that you planned it. Control is using vigilance as a form of safety. And when you're in that state of being controlling, you will have typically like a tight chest or feeling like you're bracing or you're being hypervigilant or you're exhausted and you're saying things like, why am I tired all the time? I sleep and it doesn't matter, I'm exhausted all the time.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:00]:
And overall it's this feeling that you're managing your life instead of living it.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:08]:
And here's the other thing. So often.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:13]:
We are rewarded for our toxic controlling behavior. So often we get that. You go girl. Yeah, you tell him, you show him. You do this again. Because historically we didn't have control, we are now overly rewarded for this toxic, high level of control.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:33]:
Toxic, feminine, toxic control. Whatever you want to talk about it, or whatever you want to Call it. It's the same vibe. It's. It's too much. It's squeezing in and shutting down.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:47]:
Versus.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:49]:
Soul direction versus self direction. Self direction looks like choosing your next right step. Like I said, figure out generally what you want, generally how you want to feel, and then look for that next right step. If I want to. Whatever. What is that next right step? I don't have to plan the whole thing. What is that next thing that I can do? If I want peace, if I want to feel like myself again, if I want to heal from infidelity, what is one thing that is going to put me on that path that is going to get me there? I know. I'm going to go to introductory session.com and book a session with Lora.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:45]:
One step. I know. I'm going to go to the gym. Wonderful. I know. I'm going to sign up for Spanish lessons. I've always wanted to do that. Perfect.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:57]:
I know. I am going to. It's that next step. And it's that next step for you, not for somebody else. It's not. I'm going to sign my husband up for counseling.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:13]:
Self direction is about yourself. What is the thing that you are going to do? I am going to do yoga. I don't know about you, but I have to laugh. My husband was the cheater. He was the one who had trauma. I was perfect. Did I do things wrong? Of course I did things wrong. But he was the one who was really messed up.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:35]:
He was the one who really did things wrong. So I'm like, dude, I'm signing you up for this. And I'm signing this up for this. And then we're gonna do here, and we're gonna do this retreat and we're gonna go over here and I'm doing all these things with this attitude that, huh, sure, the retreat's going to be fine for me, but it's going to fix him. Okay, well, sure, we're going to do this together, but I'm really doing it for him because he's the one that's messed up. Yeah, I'm sure you've done the same thing too, because we all do and it's okay. And I think I want to point that out too. Being controlling is not a moral failing.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:11]:
It's simply a biological response to danger that physiologically your nervous system is hijacked. And then culturally you have been conditioned to behave this way. So it is absolutely not your fault. And it's hard to rewire yourself and your brain and your mind. That's Hard work. That's again, part of the reason that I like to work with people one on one, very intimately over six months. Because when I said, I'm going to be your new best friend, I am. And we're going to talk and you're going to send me messages and we're going to email and I'm going to, you know, pump you up to do the right thing thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:48]:
And then you're going to say, but this doesn't feel comfortable. And we said, of course it doesn't feel comfortable. And here's why. And what is your next right step? And how do we slow this down? And how do you pick that for you? Is that for you or is that for him? It's self direction is slowing it down and focusing on yourself. It's acting from clarity instead of panic. You know, when I said control is all about fear, direction, it would be easy to say direction is all about love. But it's not necessarily just about love. I mean, it is, but to me it's about expansion.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:31]:
It's about flaunt, it's about this openness. It's about clarity that this is the next right step. And if it's not, then that's okay because I can pivot and take another step and then if that doesn't work, I can pivot and take another step. It's about really. And this sounds funny, but it's about that feeling of that full body. Yes. It's about the feeling of, yeah, I'm taking Spanish classes. I had a friend right now who is going through something similar.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:04]:
It's not infidelity, it's something else. But she signed up for voice lessons. She's like, I was shut down in elementary school singing in the shower. And I've always been self conscious about my voice and now I'm going through this. I'm taking singing lessons and some really bad stuff is happening in her life and she's so excited that she's taking singing lessons. Self direction lights you up. Self direction sets your soul on fire. Self direction is like, oh, my gosh, I can't wait for this.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:34]:
I am really looking forward to my session. I can't wait to watch this week's video. I can't wait to do some of the homework in that last email. That was really cool. That is exciting. It's leading your life. It's not reacting to other people. It's me leading me.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:56]:
It's me being fully engaged.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:00]:
Last week I did a class. You can get the replay if you'd like it. But I did a class, it was a book club and workshop and it was from performance to presence. And it was focused on moving into the holidays in, in a way where we weren't constantly performing but where we could feel the magic. We could feel and be present with the magic that we were working so hard to create.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:30]:
Because I've had that situation so many times where the end of the party, the end of Christmas morning or whatever and you're like who? It was like a sprint and I made it, but I didn't really eek joy out of it. I was performing, I was serving, I was doing and I wasn't feeling the moment. And I get to feel the moments of my life and you get to feel the moments of your life. That is what life is and that's what self direction is. It's leading your life. It's being in those moments. It's not reacting to them, it's not reacting to anybody else, but it's really living your life. And yes, there's moments where we're going to react, there's moments where we are going to get into fear and control.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:23]:
But how do we reign that in? How do we come back to presence? How do we integrate the healthy masculine, which is the structure, with the healthy feminine, which is the flow? Because when we do that, our breath returns, our shoulders drop, our body softens, our inner guidance really feels accessible. We feel grounded, not frantic. Being self directed is that shift from managing, managing the chaos, managing the healing, managing all this into choosing your path and again choosing with this place of excitement. I don't know what it's going to look like to live on my own. I. But I'm excited about it. I'm, I'm really, I'm nervous, sure. But I'm willing to try.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:18]:
I don't know what it's going to look like to go back to work full time and manage everything. But you know what? I'm really excited. This is going to be a really cool career. I don't know what it's going to look like to try to work on our marriage and create a new marriage, but whoa. We've actually needed a new marriage for a long time and I can't wait to see what we co create.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:43]:
Okay, let's talk about this control direction test so you can kind of diagnose where you're at. And you know, when I said earlier, you might want to get some paper and pen, you might want to take notes, these are some of the questions that you might want to write Down. First and foremost, ask yourself, and this is so simple. Am I trying to control this person or the outcome?

Lora Cheadle [00:37:10]:
Am I trying to control this person or the outcome?

Lora Cheadle [00:37:16]:
I hate to say it, but so often I'm like, well, dang it. Yeah, I kind of am trying to control. I'm trying to control my adult children. I'm trying to control my husband's spending. I'm trying to control somebody, my aunt's conversation. I'm trying to get like, well, dang it. Yes, you got to be honest with yourself. And here's what you're going to notice.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:37]:
You're going to want to justify it. You're going to want to be like, well, yeah, I'm trying to control it because I'm trying to control my husband's gambling because he's going to run us into bankruptcy. I'm trying to control my aunt's conversation because she is so embarrassing when she talks about this, that or the other thing. I'm trying to control my kids decision because oh my God, they just don't have the wisdom and the experience and they're going to make a mistake. We try to justify it. Stop justifying it.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:05]:
Nobody needs to justify. All it is is am I trying to control the person or outcome? Yes or no. And I hate to say it, but so often the answer is yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:17]:
Then the next step is not about justifying it. But am I acting from fear or from clarity?

Lora Cheadle [00:38:28]:
Am I acting from fear or from clarity? So if I'm trying to control my husband's spending on online gambling, I'm just making stuff up because I'm afraid he's going to run us into bankruptcy. Am I acting from fear or from clarity? H. Okay, Is it fear that he is not going to stop? Is it fear that you are going to be run into bankruptcy?

Lora Cheadle [00:39:04]:
Has he stopped before? Has he run you into bankruptcy before? What kind of other accounts do you have? What kind of help is he getting? I mean, there's a lot that goes into it. Yeah, I am fearful. I. You bet your booty I'm fearful. But I'm also clear that he has an addiction. So yes, I am acting from fear, but the clarity piece is because I see his addiction, because I see he has a gambling addiction and I know how addictions are and I know how addicts are and I know this is going nowhere good.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:45]:
So there can be pieces. Yes, I'm acting out of fear, but because I have a clarity around this situation and then I know it's going nowhere good. Okay, so question number one. Am I trying to control a person or an outcome. Question number two. Am I acting from fear or from clarity? Question number three. Does this behavior feel braced or grounded? Does my behavior feel braced or grounded?

Lora Cheadle [00:40:20]:
So using the example of a husband with a gambling addiction.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:27]:
Does it feel braced? Oh, my God. He's gonna run us into bankruptcy. Oh, my God. He's totally addicted. He's an addict. He. He's out of control. This doesn't work.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:38]:
I just gotta hold on. I've got so many squirrels away. What am I gonna do? Is it that energy of being braced? Like, oh, my God, the sky is falling and this is horrible.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:50]:
Or is it from that grounded energy.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:54]:
Who.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:56]:
My partner is a gambling addict, and it has not been addressed. And I need to make a decision on this pretty much right away because I see his behavior is escalating. I see our funds going down. I see myself acting in some dysfunctional, controlling ways, and I need to make a decision right now. I need to have a therapeutic intervention. I need to pull a certain amount of money out of our joint funds and. And preserve and protect it. I need to file for divorce.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:35]:
I need to. Whatever. Is it that grounded place of. I've got to take action. And even though I don't really want to take this kind of action, maybe I don't want to have an intervention, maybe I don't want to file for divorce. I'm also wise and strong and grounded enough to know this isn't going anywhere good. And I need to act. I cannot be a victim of this circumstance.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:59]:
I need to act.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:01]:
So that. Question number three. Does my behavior feel braced? Oh, God. Or grounded? Okay. I don't really necessarily want to do this, but it's time. It's time. It's like that tough love energy. Do I really want to ground my kids? No.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:21]:
Did I really want to take their phones away? No. But there's times. Because I didn't want the drama. But there's times where it's like, dude, you messed up, and I'm taking this. You can't go find that grounding.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:38]:
And then that fourth question. Is this about who I want to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:46]:
Or is it about preventing something from happening?

Lora Cheadle [00:42:50]:
Is my behavior about who I want to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:55]:
Or is it about preventing something from happening?

Lora Cheadle [00:43:01]:
Write that down. Write them all down. But is my behavior about who I want to be, or is it about preventing something from happening?

Lora Cheadle [00:43:11]:
And I really want you to think about that one, because.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:17]:
If I want to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:21]:
In a healthy relationship and my partner is a gambling addict who is about to Run us into bankruptcy. Who I want to be is healthy. How I want to feel is in partnership. That keeps me grounded to the fact that I need an intervention. I need to file for divorce. It's sad, yes, but this is what needs to be done. Because who I want to be, who I am is. I want to be in a healthy relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:57]:
I want to be in an equal partnership. I'm no longer tolerating addiction. I'm no longer tolerating this kind of disrespect. So my actions are grounded in who I want to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:10]:
I want to be relaxed, and I want to be joyful. I don't want to be tiptoeing around my own house. I don't want to be in fear. I don't want to feel this division between the two of us that he's sneaking away and I'm doing stuff. I want to be cohesive. So my decision, my behavior is about who I want to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:33]:
Versus is my behavior about preventing something from happening? Oh, God. I'm preventing us from going broke. If it wasn't me in the line of fire, this wouldn't work. Oh, my gosh. We can't do this when we're. And. And again, you'll have to think about this, because if it were an alcohol addiction instead of a gambling addiction, do you want to prevent your partner from driving drunk to avoid hurting somebody else or killing somebody else? Okay, that's about preventing something from happening, but that's also tied into who you want to be. I am a person of high integrity, and because of who I am, I'm not going to let anybody get behind the wheel that drunk and go drive and possibly harm another living soul.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:23]:
So, yes, it's about preventing something from happening, but it's because this is who I am, and this is who I want to be. And that action is in the. Is in line with my integrity versus. Whew. I got him to not gamble tonight. Whew. I danced and sang and prevented him from drinking tonight because I was so distracted with all these other things. Am I in the game, or am I into in integrity?

Lora Cheadle [00:45:56]:
Because we've been in that situation where we sing and dance and turn ourselves inside out to try to get somebody to stop doing something. That's sometimes where the hysterical bonding behavior comes in. Hysterical bonding is where we have this huge increased need for intimacy with our partner. And the underlying reason for that is this idea that, well, I can prevent him from cheating because we're always together and we're always intimate, and I'm seeking this comfort myself. I'm preventing it because I'm always here, which is an entirely different energy than I'm grounded in who I am. This is the kind of relationship that I want. And the reason I gave you four questions on this is it's easy to fool yourself. It's easy to lie to yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:45]:
But when you're controlling, you're orienting your behavior around them and. And when you're directing, you are orienting your behavior around you. And that's the main difference. Am I living for me or am I living in a way to control them?

Lora Cheadle [00:47:07]:
So those four questions one last time. Am I trying to control a person or outcome? Am I acting from fear or clarity? Does this behavior feel braced or grounded? Or is this behavior about who I want to be, or is it about preventing something from happening?

Lora Cheadle [00:47:26]:
Now, how you shift from control to direction, I'm going to give you a few practices. The first practical tool, the first tool is to pause. Excuse me, to pause and name the state. Pause. Go through those questions. I'm in control mode. My body doesn't feel safe right now. I am in control mode.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:52]:
I feel completely hyper and desperate. I am in whatever it is. And then name the state because it gives you just that moment of pause to be like, oh, I am in total self direction mode. And I feel peaceful.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:11]:
Recently.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:13]:
This is not totally infidelity related at all, but my first book came out in 2019. My second book came out in 2025. Both times I was considering hiring a publicist, and both times I recognized. This is interesting. I recognized that when I was trying to hire a publicist, it was because I wanted them to do this and I wanted to get that result and I wanted to do, you know what I mean? It was like, and you're going to get me on Oprah. And I was trying to control. And then it never felt good. And publicists are really, really expensive and they can't guarantee their work.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:56]:
And I realized I was in this fearful, controlled shutdown place and I would interview publicist after publicist after publicist and it never felt good. It. It never felt expansive. It never felt right. And fortunately, I know my body enough to be like, I'm not going to do it because it doesn't feel right. Well, just a few months ago, I happened to meet this other publicist and I felt so empowered and free and clear and I felt excited. Whoa. They can take this burden off of me.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:33]:
They can take this burden of self promotion and reaching out to TV stations and pitching podcasts. And like, they can take this burden from me. And I receive it like, I don't care who you contact and how many people you contact. Bring me the right opportunities. I am here. I am directing myself. I am directing you to put me in front of the people who I need to be in front of. And my body felt safe.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:05]:
And it was just. It's just such a. A different example, but I think a really powerful one of the difference of control. How many people are you going to pitch? Which shows are you going to pitch? What are you going to do if versus I am available and I want as much publicity as you can give me on these books, I have a really powerful message and I desire from the bottom of my heart to get out there. You, in your wisdom, tell me what to do. So pause, name the state.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:36]:
And name how you feel.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:38]:
The second tool to shift from control to direction is to orient yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:46]:
And. And I kind of described that earlier, but it's. It's about asking yourself, what do I need? And what is my next step? What do I need? I need sleep. So what is my next step? Maybe putting my phone on do not disturb and going to bed. What do I need? Using my publicist example, I need some of this work taken off my plate. I need to spend more time with my clients and to let somebody else manage the pitching. So what is my next right step? Hiring some sort of help.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:21]:
So ask yourself, what do I need? And what is my next right step? What do I need? And be careful, because you know what so many people say when I'm working with them, when I ask them that question, I'll remind them, okay, Beth, what's going on in your week? What's happening? What do you need? I need for my partner to step up to the plate. I need for him to start booking appointments. I need him to start showing empathy, and I need him. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. He. You're telling me what he needs. I'm asking you what you need.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:55]:
And can I tell you how long this takes? Sometimes because people are like.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:00]:
I don't know what I need.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:04]:
Why do you need him to do that?

Lora Cheadle [00:52:08]:
Will him doing that bring you what? Safety assurance. So stop all the you, you, you, you, you. I need safety. I need reassurance, I need proof. I need. Great. What is your next step? If you need safety, if you need reassurance, if you need proof, what is your next step to get you there?

Lora Cheadle [00:52:37]:
The third way to shift from control to direction is setting micro boundaries. I love micro Boundaries. So often.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:50]:
Oh, I'm just laughing. So often we have a hard time with boundaries. And so often we set these huge grandiose boundaries and then somebody breaches the boundary and then we don't want to hold up our end of the boundary. You know what I mean? We're like, if you don't get counseling by Thursday, I'm filing for divorce. And then Thursday rolls around and counseling wasn't set up and we're in this position of being like, well, dang it. I really don't have the time or the energy or the desire to file for divorce. But I made this big dang deal about setting this huge boundary.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:24]:
One of the things that I also work with my people on a lot is setting these micro boundaries. Very small choices that reclaim self leadership, that reclaims self direction. I am not going to whatever. I am going to do this. If you do that. My husband loves war movies. I cannot stand war movies. A micro boundary is if he turns on a war movie, I go upstairs and read.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:56]:
I'm not trying to control what he watches.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:02]:
I'm just setting this micro boundary that I don't want to expose myself to the sounds of gun violence and people dying in mayhem. It's a micro boundary. It has nothing to do with anything other than if he watches that. That's a boundary. If, then, if, then, if, then if you watch war movies, then I'm going upstairs. I'm not saying you can't watch them, but if you were saying my number one plan is to spend time with you tonight and you turn on a war movie. You know, my, my little micro boundary is I'm not doing that. And then I do it because it's easy to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:37]:
I'm going upstairs. It's not kicking somebody out, filing for divorce. It's a micro boundary and it's just a small choice that reclaims self leadership. So what are those small things you can do? I'm leaving to the gym at 5 o'. Clock. No matter what. I'm not making dinner past whatever. Just these small little things.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:04]:
The number four. Yep. The number four way to shift from control to direction is breath and somatic anchoring. Somatic is just use the body is to shift from that bracing to the grounding.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:23]:
How I like to anchor myself is by feeling my feet on the floor. Literally moving my attention to my feet on the floor and anchoring myself in my feet. That's it. Or taking a few conscious, slow, deep breaths and just feeling my breath.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:45]:
Super simple. But it's the way to Shift out of control.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:50]:
Just breathe and anchor. And then the number five. The last way to shift from control to self direction is by truth telling. By truly telling your truth.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:07]:
Because we lie to ourselves, ladies. We do. We say things we don't mean. We set boundaries we're not going to hold. We lie and we tell ourselves stories because we think those stories are going to mean something about us. And then we get this whole tangled web of stuff going and then we need more lies on top of those lies. And I get that they're really small lies often but just like with any lie, pretty soon you have to start layering more and more and more. So tell the truth.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:46]:
I'm not in a place to have a conversation tonight. I'm not able to emotionally regulate right now. I need time away. I am not feeling the love on this one. Whatever it is. Those small moments of truth telling again about you. Not like I can see that you're a jerk. Tell the truth about you.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:12]:
And that is one of the most powerful ways to shift from control to self direction even. Even as small as.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:23]:
Like here's an example with the little white lies.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:27]:
I think a lot of us have been conditioned to not hurt other people's feelings. And no, we don't have to be brutally honest. But so often I think we've been conditioned to do things like instead of telling somebody I really don't want to go out tonight just to make a soft little excuse, well I can't go out tonight instead of I really don't want to. This is one of those moments where we can reclaim self leadership by speaking our truth. I am really tired tonight. I need a night in instead of I can't. I feel like a headache is coming on. Tell the truth.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:09]:
This is going to make such an enormous difference not only in your betrayal recovery journey, but in your entire life. Let me know what you think, would ya? Share your feedback about how this feels. To move from control to self direction, how to stop managing everything and everyone and to start leading your life. Remember to subscribe, rate, review and most importantly book your introductory session@innumerctory session.com and let's talk about working together and let's talk about going deeper so you can really finally heal in all aspects and move on. Have an amazing week and as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.