What Does It Mean to Be Healed After Infidelity?

T R A N S C R I P T

What does it mean to

be healed

Coffee with the Librarians

DATE: September 18, 2026

DURATION: 59:20

SPEAKERS: 3

SEGMENTS: 85

Generated by Castmagic

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Speaker A [00:00:01 - 00:00:29]

You're listening to Flaunt: Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity or

Betrayal, a podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and

want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth.

Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the

inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery

toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35 - 00:01:25]

What does it mean to be healed? Today, we are really going to talk about that. We are

going to talk about life after infidelity, whether you stay together or you separate from

the person who cheated on you. I really want to take a deep dive into what the heck

that even means, because here's the thing. We talk an awful lot about recovery. We talk

a lot about the pain. We talk a lot about what it does to us, our sense of confidence, our

sense of worth. Like we talk about the devastation all the time. And while it's healthy to

talk about the devastation, you know, it's healthy to talk about that because it helps us

know that we're not alone.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:26 - 00:02:31]

And it helps us know that we're not crazy. I think it's also really vitally important for us

to talk about what does it mean to be healed? Because sometimes we lose track of

that. And then we get so stuck truly on all of this healing work that we forget to live our

lives. And just being completely honest, it's about living your life. It's about moving into

the fullness of who you are. It's about being free from, free from obsessive thoughts,

free from the pain, free from the trauma. It's about literally being free from so much

stuff in order to be free to live fully, Enjoy, laugh, have a day where you're not

triggered. Healing is where it's at because it means that's how we are living.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:32 - 00:03:04]

Does that even make sense? When we are living and we're happy is what being healed

means. And one of the reasons that recovering from infidelity and betrayal is so hard is

because it challenges that assumption. It challenges that belief because too often we

just get busy living life. And then when we're busy living life, we're not consciously

thinking about, am I living fully? We're not even thinking about, am I happy?

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Lora Cheadle [00:03:05 - 00:03:06]

Am I filled with joy?

Lora Cheadle [00:03:07 - 00:04:02]

Am I filled with gratitude and appreciation? We're just like, do I have enough milk for

tomorrow? Did I forget to pick up something at dry cleaning? Oh my God, the kids need

this. Shoot, I've gotta make an appointment for a mammogram. You know what I mean?

There's like all of that living that is going on, and we should be living like that. Yes. But

we get so focused on managing the tasks that we very infrequently dig deeper and ask

ourselves, am I truly happy? And if not, what would make me truly happy? And I know

there's a lot of talk often about, you know, finding your purpose and finding your

passion and all of that. And that's really important. Yes. But again, like healing from

betrayal, sometimes we can get so focused on the healing or the finding of our passion

that we forget to live along the way.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:04 - 00:04:41]

One of those quotes that I think is really meaningful is, be careful what you wish for

because you just might get it. And I was thinking about that the other day. I was at

breakfast. And I was talking to my husband and we were talking about when we were in

law school and we had first met and he lived in a dinky little apartment and I lived in a

dinky little apartment and we struggled. It was really hard. And we weren't dating at

that time. We were just friends. And I was saying, it's really interesting because what I

longed for, I really longed to be with him.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:42 - 00:05:08]

I longed to have a relationship with him. I longed to be Out of school. I longed for an

income. I longed, like, all of these things. And then I got it. And I don't want to say, and

then I wasn't happy, because that's too simplistic. It's not that. But my point is, we long

for things and then we get it, and then we move on.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:09 - 00:06:15]

And it's normal. There is a term for it, and I forget exactly what it's called, hedonistic

something, but it's the idea that when we get things that are good, we easily adapt.

And as humans, because we easily adapt, we don't remain really content for long. And

in a way that's good because it always pushes us for more. But by the same token, we

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easily adapt and we don't appreciate what we have. And I'm bringing this back home to

what I was saying earlier. Betrayal recovery is an opportunity for you to get real about

all of the things that you have wanted that have gone by the wayside. It's an

opportunity to get really honest about where things were just okay, about where you

were settling for breadcrumbs, about where you just let things go because you didn't

want to rock the boat, and it wasn't worth the fight.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:18 - 00:07:24]

So that's, I want to be really honest in this episode. I really want to be honest from my

personal experience, but also from the experiences of the worm— the women, the

women that I have worked with, because I wish then that I would have had a vision for

what it could be like. Because when we have a vision for what it can be like, we know

what we're moving towards. And early on, my vision was survival, and it got me there.

But then once I moved past survival, I didn't really know what that was. And like I said

in a couple shows ago, it was rebuilding what I lost, which really wasn't it either. So,

yes, 2 weeks ago, we talked about the whole Life Choreography Method: regulate,

reorient, reconnect, and re-choreograph. And that was really where we kind of took that

deep dive into what are these steps and what does it take.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:26 - 00:08:58]

And then last week, I talked about being ready. Like, sometimes we're ready to move

into that healing journey, and sometimes we aren't. Sometimes we are subconsciously

delaying our own healing, and we're focusing on, like, learning more. Well, once I learn

this, once I learn that, once I get this part figured out, then I will, kind of as a delay

tactic because there's some decisions that we don't want to make or admit to. So I think

even though this isn't technically the third part, I think this is a really good follow-up

episode because in today's episode, I want to talk about holding that vision and

creating that vision for you. And in fact, when I work with people one-on-one, one of the

first things that I have them do is create that vision, create that vision of how they want

to be in their life, how they want their relationship to be in terms of How do they want it

to feel? So that's what we're going to take a deep dive into today. And before we do, I

want to invite you to like, to subscribe, and to leave a review for this show because

your reviews help other people find this show and know that it is a safe space. So thank

you so much for doing that.

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Lora Cheadle [00:08:59 - 00:10:02]

Okay. So now onto the question that kind of underpins all of betrayal recovery. What are

we healing towards? Why are we doing all of this work? Why are we paying hundreds of

thousands of dollars, years of our lives, emotional effort? Like, why are we doing all of

these things? Because what does recovery really look like? And it's this weird paradox

because recovery is structured around the fact that you were betrayed. And the whole

goal of being recovered is to live a life that is not organized around the fact that you

were betrayed. And I want you to think about that as like those two, you know, Cross

lines, one line going up, one line going down. At first, we start high on the scale.

Everything is focused on, I was betrayed. I was betrayed.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:02 - 00:10:25]

He did this. She did this. They did this. This happened to me. That's really high. And

then with time, it's not that that fact goes away, but that fact is no longer central in

your life. So early on, it is front and center. And you wake up and you're like, damn, this

happened.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:26 - 00:10:54]

And you go to bed and you can't fall asleep because you're like, whoa, I remember that.

And you get triggers throughout the day that constantly remind you, this happened to

me. This happened to me. Oh my gosh, this happened to me. So that starts off high.

And with time and with recovery, that starts moving. Out of the center of your life, it is

no longer front and center. It slowly starts disappearing.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:55 - 00:11:32]

Now, I also wanna be really honest. It's not like you're ever going to forget. You are

never going to forget that this happened. You are never going to be shocked by the

realization that, oh my gosh, this happened. It's just that your life isn't organized

around it anymore. Okay? And then early on, like I said, that's high, and then it gets

lower over time. When you first find out about betrayal, your ability to live fully and

freely and be happy and laugh easily and sleep well and take care of yourself, that

plummets. That's really, really far down the scale.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:33 - 00:11:36]

I know early on goals were like, drink water and eat food.

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Lora Cheadle [00:11:37 - 00:11:38]

Sleep.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:39 - 00:12:24]

Wasn't going to happen. Cognitive thought and other areas, planning, that's really hard

to do. So that drops. And then with time, your ability to function grows. So with time,

your ability to function and feel good grows. Now, with time, do you notice that I said

that? Time does not heal all wounds. With time, yes, you are going to start functioning

better. And with time, yes, the centrality of the fact that you were betrayed is going to

get better.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:25 - 00:13:06]

But here's the point. It's kind of gonna stop like where that X is. If you visualize that

graph, high to low and low to high, there's that X point in the middle. With time, you

might get to about that X point, which is about where you were, where you were at

before. You're a little preoccupied with the infidelity and you're a little okay with

functioning, but you're not really thriving. And the fact that you were betrayed is not

Really gone. You're still reading about betrayal. You're still talking about betrayal.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:06 - 00:14:02]

To a certain extent, you're still organizing your life around betrayal. Like you might not

wanna date again. You are monitoring your partner's progress. You are evaluating your

relationship. You are still noticing when and how the betrayal hurts. And what I really,

really so desperately want you to know is that's not your destination. Better is not your

destination. At some point, recovery really needs to become so much less about what

happened to you and so much more about who you were becoming because you finally

have the opportunity to choose yourself and to do things differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:03 - 00:14:33]

And that's the transition that I want to talk about today. And yes, I spent a lot of time

setting it up, but I wanted you to understand, like, those vectors and that cross point,

and that that's not your goal. Okay. I said I was going to be honest. Number 1, Being

healed does not mean you will never be triggered. I wanna get that out of the way first.

It does not mean that you will never be triggered. It doesn't mean that you're never

going to have a rip-roaring fight with your partner.

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Lora Cheadle [00:14:33 - 00:15:13]

It doesn't mean that you are never going to think, oh my God, I really messed this up. It

doesn't mean that you're going to become so evolved that you can just sit in the corner

and meditate and say, ohm, and nothing Bothers you. It's not that we're celebrating D-

Day. I mean, sometimes I say, I'm really grateful that this happened to me because it

healed my husband. It allowed me to reclaim myself. It brought a lot of goodness into

my life because of what I did. You know what I mean? But I'm not celebrating, oh yay,

he did this. I mean, that's— That's not it.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:16 - 00:15:56]

You're human. You are still going to have bad days. We're all gonna have bad days. I

remember last year it was our 30th anniversary, 8 years after the betrayal, and the

anniversary hit me just weird. But I was conscious and cognitive enough to be like, this

anniversary is hitting me weird. And here's the reasons I think why it's hitting me weird.

And it's not really fun, but it's hitting me weird, and that's okay. The difference is

though, a trigger is a moment, and you manage the moment, and you feel it, and you

move on.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:57 - 00:16:29]

It doesn't disrupt everything. It doesn't It doesn't cause you to miss 3 days of work

anymore. You know what I mean? It doesn't send you to bed crying anymore. It doesn't

make you question your entire reality. You notice it and you're like, dang, I'm having this

weird trigger over something. And because you have followed the 4 steps of Life

Choreography, step number 1 is regulate. You know how to regulate yourself. You know

what you need.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:29 - 00:17:15]

You know how to take care of yourself. You know how to set up boundaries. You know

how to advocate clearly, whatever it is. And then you come back to yourself. So healing

and the destination that you're moving towards isn't about never getting knocked off

center. It's just knowing how to come back to yourself when you do. And hopefully with

time, coming back to yourself gets faster and easier because step 1, you have learned

how to regulate, right? Now, the second thing that healing means, I think, is, and this is

a really important one, you have a lot of joy. You are finding fun in life.

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Lora Cheadle [00:17:16 - 00:17:51]

It's not just about, oh, I'm not triggered anymore. It's, I'm really having fun. Whether

you're with your partner and you're doing things together that are just really fun, or

whether you're on your own and you're like, I'm learning how to garden and I'm having

trips with friends, you're having fun. You're like, hey, I'm changing my body. I'm

changing my hair. I'm redecorating my house. And it's fun. There's a sense of

anticipation when you wake up, like, good, I get to do this day.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:51 - 00:18:14]

There's so much to look forward to today. This is going to be a really fun day. I can't

wait. Throughout the day, you are in joy. You're having a good day. You play with the

animals. You have a call from a friend. You, you know, stop by the mirror in the

bathroom and you look at yourself and you like what you see.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:15 - 00:18:46]

You're happy. You brush your hair and it feels good. You have an interaction with

somebody and You can speak up. You know, it could be at work and things don't exactly

turn out again the way that you want, but you've asked for what you need. You've stood

in your power. You've been honest. You've been in your integrity and it feels good. And

then you go to bed at the end of the day with whatever it is, a sense of

accomplishment, a sense of gratitude, because you've completed that day.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:47 - 00:19:29]

And again, it's not that every day is joy-filled and magical and amazing and unicorns

and puppy dogs and rainbows. But it's that, yeah, I'm really living. And I'm going to

describe some of this because this is where we get stuck. I'm just going to be really

honest. This is where we get stuck. I can really get locked into work. Let me tell you, I

can really get locked into work, whether it's creating this podcast, thinking about ideas,

creating social media stuff, When my clients, you know, when we have appointments,

it's not like I just go, yep, and we're done. I think about it.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:29 - 00:19:54]

I talk about it. I do the Voxer coaching with most of my clients, um, because it's, it's

every day. I look forward every day. I check my Voxer messages and I go through and I

listen to the messages that you've sent me. And you're telling me about good things.

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You're telling me about bad things. You're telling me, you're asking me questions and

I'm engaged and I'm so excited. And then I answer.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:55 - 00:20:32]

I check the messages, you know, again at night and I'm really excited. It's so easy for

me to get sucked in because I love, oh my God, I love what I do. I love seeing the

transformation that we're talking about. And yet still, I need to step away from me.

Sometimes I just go play with my animals. And sometimes it feels like a burden to go

play with my animals because I'm like, oh, If I just sit here and I can really get these

emails done, I can get so much done, then I can relax. But I know for me, that's the

trap. It's not, and then I can relax.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:32 - 00:20:44]

It's really, and then I'll find something else that is urgent, and then I'll go try to do that

too. So it always takes me a bit to key into having fun.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:45 - 00:20:45]

Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:46 - 00:21:28]

I've got 2 cats, a dog, and a turtle. So I'm like, all right, get the toys, get the treats, get

the leash, put on my shoes. Like, it takes some preparation. See if the cats want to

engage. It's a little bit burdensome to get into the flow of having fun, and then it's fun.

Somewhere along the way, I've dropped into the pleasure of walking the dog. Or

somewhere along the way, the cats have me cracked up because of the way they're

chasing their stick toy. And it's like suddenly and without warning, I'm laughing and I'm

having fun and I'm enjoying it.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:28 - 00:22:22]

Another thing I've been really focusing on doing, because to me this is living, is

connecting with nature. And because I have such overachiever tendencies, it's easy for

me to think, well, I can't go connect with nature because I don't have an hour and a

hike is going to take an hour. You know what I mean? Or to talk myself out of it because

it is not perfect. And lately I've just been walking on the grass, sitting on the grass,

Laying down on the grass and looking at the tree. And again, I always fight myself in

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those first few moments of, ugh, really, Lora? Go return those boxers. You know, 9

people sent you messages this morning. You need to get on it. And then without fail,

every single time I will slip in and I will have fun.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:24 - 00:22:42]

Same thing with socializing. I don't wanna go out. I have to get dressed. What am I

gonna say? Oh my gosh, people wanna go somewhere and there's gonna be drinking

and I don't wanna drink. I'm I'm trying to watch my weight. I don't want to have all that

food there. I'm so bad at saying no to chips and salsa. Like, think about all of those

excuses.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:44 - 00:23:25]

And then when I go out, I have fun and I laugh. I am in a group. It's like, we call

ourselves, it's a goddess circle group. And we meet once a month. And I can't tell you

the number of times I have thought, Ugh, if I haven't already— hadn't already RSVP'd, I

would back out. And then without fail, it's exactly what I needed. It was exactly what I

needed to be with girlfriends, to talk, to eat yummy food, to laugh, to learn something

to share. And I'm always energized by it.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:28 - 00:24:11]

Same thing with grabbing a book and reading on the patio, laying in bed extra long in

the morning, doing a meditation. That's what I mean by living. It's taking time away

from that never-ending to-do list to do life. And I want you to hear that. I want you to

hear that. There is a to-do list and there is a to-do life. And what are you more focused

on? Because if you are more focused on your to-do list, you're going to get more to-do

list. And if you are more focused on your to-do life, you are going to get a lot more

living in.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:14 - 00:25:34]

And like I said earlier, healing from betrayal is learning how to live life again. I'm just

gonna say that maybe I should have opened the whole show with that, but healing from

betrayal is learning how to do life again. It's learning how to do life fully. It's learning

how to do life right. It's learning how to do life in a way where you are front and center

in your own life instead of the betrayal. Here's some questions for you. What was front

and center in your life before the betrayal became front and center in your own life?

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Was it your kids? Was it your house? Was it your career? Was, what was it? Was it the

volunteer work that you do? Was it, what was it? What was front and center in your life

before the betrayal? And is that the thing that you would choose to have front and

center in your life? Now, I wanna caution you. I wanna caution you because I know

some of you are out there going, my marriage was front and center and look what he

did to me.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:35 - 00:25:36]

Right? Am I right?

Lora Cheadle [00:25:37 - 00:25:37]

Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:39 - 00:27:22]

Perhaps, but on what level was your marriage front and center? Because I had a very

performative version of my marriage being front and center. I had the perfect wife and

the perfect mom as front and center in my relationship, not deep Vulnerability,

connectivity, presence. Like, we had moments of that, but that wasn't front and center

the way that it is now. The way that it is now is our union is front and center, but I am

front and center. As well, and my needs in that union are also front and center because

it is my job to take care of me. It is my job to get what I want, to communicate what I

need. It is my job to do that balancing for me, not to put it on somebody else to do.

Now, I'm not saying it's all about being a selfish, you know, selfish witch and making it

like all about me in that kind of a way, but it's all about me in that, if I need a deep,

heartfelt conversation, if I need a night of just talking and being held, I ask for it.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:24 - 00:28:06]

If my husband needs something, he asks for it. If he needs time alone to finish up a

project— we were hiking a few weeks ago and he's like, can we not talk on the hike? I

need to do this hike in complete silence. I need to talk to my own spirit guides. I need to

hear the trees. I need to— I'm like, yes, thank you for asking. Because before, what

would've gone down is I would've kept talking and then he would've been irritated. Why

will you ever stop talking? Can't you just shut up? You know what I mean? And it

would've gotten progressively more and more obnoxious. And then I would've fallen into

this, poor me, he is such a jerk.

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Lora Cheadle [00:28:06 - 00:28:51]

Why doesn't he do this? Oh my God, he doesn't appreciate me. And then I would've put

myself in this victim stance and felt irritated. And he would've felt irritated because I

was being I was putting him in the perpetrator stance and we would've come home not

satisfied versus now he communicates what I need is a silent hike. And I can be like,

awesome. I can give that to you. If I'm a little disappointed because I wanna talk, I can

manage my own disappointment because he asked for something that he needs and I

can joyfully and willingly honor that. And it's not that he doesn't value what I say. He

just needs a quiet hike.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:52 - 00:29:11]

You know what I mean? He needs a moment of solitude. Same thing when I need some

girlfriend time and just need to go out and be silly. It's about asking for it. It's about, I

need to break away from some of this. I've been overwhelmed and I need just some

laughter and joy. Great. Wonderful. Go.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:13 - 00:29:41]

That's what I mean by having the joy in your life. Healing from betrayal, like I said, it's

not about never getting triggered. You're gonna get triggered. You're human. But it's

about having joy in your life and having your satisfaction be front and center. And yes,

sometimes people are like, I can't focus like that. All I would ever do is just hang out

and Have fun and I would never clean. No, you wouldn't.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:42 - 00:30:41]

You might have moments where you don't wanna get your real work done, but most

people also get that sense of satisfaction from doing things right, organizing their

finances, getting the laundry done. You know what I'm saying? It will balance out. It's

just being more aware of what is a to-do project and what is a to-live project. And where

are you doing both? As a matter of fact, in my 6-month Rise and Reign program, one of

the lessons in the re-choreograph phase is I give people a reverse day timer. And it's a

printout, but sometimes people are like, I'm doing this in my Outlook or my Google

Calendar too. I have them fill in where they're going to live. Not where are they going to

live physically, but where are they going to live? Put that on your calendar. I have them

put that on their calendar.

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Lora Cheadle [00:30:42 - 00:31:10]

For me, fitness is how I really feel alive. I block that in as a to-live block. I block my, I

just want to hang out here and read a book and Maybe scroll on my phone. I block that

in. I love hanging out with my friends. I never get enough time with my friends. So I

block that in. This is my to-live block.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:12 - 00:32:09]

And sometimes people think it sounds funny and they're like, can't you just talk to your

friends? Of course I can just talk to my friends. However, if our phones are on do not

disturb because we're at work, If we're doing a whole bunch of other things and they

call and we miss the call, and then we just send texts back and forth, we never get that

consistency of friend time and joy and connection. So yeah, plan the call, plan to talk at

3 o'clock on a Sunday afternoon. At least you know you're going to get something in. So

are you living or are you just checking off all of your to-dos? And how much joy are you

having in your life? And then most importantly, what is front and center in your life right

now? And be honest. If you're like, honestly, betrayal recovery is front and center in my

life, that is the season that I'm in. Yes, you're right. That's the season that you're in.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:10 - 00:33:01]

But just don't stop. Remember that graph? It starts off as highly important, And then

pretty soon, over time, it's going to drop down. Then I'm challenging you to do the work

to get it way down so you become front and center in your own life. Now, one of the

blocks that people say to me when we're going through coaching or just when we're

doing a one-off call, so often they'll say, but I don't know what that means. I have all

these other things that I know, but I don't know, I don't know what it's like to have fun. I

don't know what I need to do to get over this. I think maybe this is just who I am. Or

sometimes it's even deeper than that.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:02 - 00:34:50]

It's more like, do I even deserve that? You know, maybe people in my family never had

it so good. Who am I to think that I deserve that? Especially after betrayal, who am I to

have such a good life? I know, right? This is huge. But I want you to know, who are you

to have such a great life? You are worthy to the core simply because You exist. You were

given one life, and there's so much of a focus on how can I serve? Who can I help? What

is my purpose? What if your purpose is to have fun? What if your purpose is to

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appreciate the life that you were given? What if your purpose is to just be in connection

with other people? What if your purpose is to feel the sun on your face and the wind in

your hair? You know, what if that is just your purpose? What if you don't have to earn it

or prove it or get permission to do it? I, study a lot of Course in Miracles. I think the text

and the workbook are incredibly profound. But one of the concepts in that is that we are

a thought in the mind of God. And if you're triggered by the word God, we are a thought

in the mind of the universe. Doesn't matter.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:51 - 00:35:27]

If we are a thought in the mind of the divine, We are divine too, because the divine

thinks divine thoughts. Divine does not think evil, bad, dark thoughts. That is who we

are. We are a thought in the mind of the divine. We are a part of divinity. We are a part

of happiness, light, love, all of that. Don't overthink that one. Just let that be.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:29 - 00:36:21]

How can I not be worthy? I am a thought in the mind of God. You are inherently worthy

because that's who you are. You deserve The best life. The most fun life. You deserve

laughter and play. You deserve to play and to have fun. Work generally will keep, but

you deserve to have fun. There are so many studies of people on their deathbed, and

not one of them ever, ever, ever, ever says, I wish I would've worked more.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:22 - 00:36:58]

Without fail, they all say, I wish I would've lived more. I wish I would've said yes. I wish I

wouldn't have been so afraid. I wish I wouldn't have been so intimidated. I wish I

wouldn't have held myself back. I wish I just would've opened up and told people I love

them and appreciated and have fun. If we know what people say at the end, why would

we not do that? Look at your own friends or family member who has passed. Do some

of the reading, some of the studies.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:00 - 00:37:54]

Look at what people say at the end and do that thing. Even if it feels awkward, even if it

feels greedy, even if it feels unusual. Because like I was saying earlier, sometimes it's

really hard to break away and go have fun, but I have never regretted having fun. And I

also think it's interesting. This is a concept I learned way back in my college days, and it

stuck with me ever since. Work expands to fill the time allotted. Work expands to fill the

What does it mean to be healed

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time allotted. If you have, think about this, if you have a whole day off and you have a

whole list of things to do, chances are high that at the end of the day, you're still going

to have things to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:56 - 00:38:39]

And if you only had half of a day, To get those things done, you would probably get

those things done. You know what I mean? If you have an hour to put together a memo

or an email, or 15 minutes to put together an hour or that, an email, you're going to

spend the whole hour or the 15 minutes. Work expands to fill the time allotted. And it's

weird, but try this out. It is weird, But if I go do things, I come home and I still get the

stuff done. I can be worried that, oh my gosh, this is my weekend. It's my time to clean

and get organized and catch up on all these different things. And if I go out, I'm not

going to have time.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:40 - 00:39:15]

And I go out and somehow I still have the time. Try it in your own life. Try it. Sometimes,

yes, We went out for dinner last week and it was a restaurant that was kind of a staple

in our neighborhood. And there was a fire and they were closed for, I wanna say, 3

months. And they recently reopened. And since they've reopened, oh my gosh, the lines

have been tremendous. And it was one of those things, we got there and there was like

a 30-minute wait and we thought, surely it's not going to take 30 minutes.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:16 - 00:40:14]

Well, it took 30 minutes and then they're usually really fast, which is why I think so

many people just go up. It took forever for the meals to get here. And our quick, let's go

grab dinner so we don't have to cook meal ended up taking like 90 minutes, not joking.

And I got home and yes, I had that experience of, ah, there's 90 minutes I can't get

back. And I felt stressed and, oh, should I get it done? And I stayed up a little bit later

than normal to getting to, to get it done. But I still got it done. And the joy of going out

really outweighed the pain of, okay, I stayed up a little too late and I'm a little tired the

next day. And speaking of play, I want to speak into this for the people who are in

relationship, whether that relationship is with the person who betrayed them, Or with

somebody else.

What does it mean to be healed

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Lora Cheadle [00:40:15 - 00:41:18]

Sean, my husband and I had a lot of fun before, but we really have a lot of fun now. And

the reason it's different is because we're more open and honest and vulnerable with

each other. This, one of the things that was really stressful in our marriage before That I

wouldn't have identified until I was on the other side of the infidelity journey was he

was pretty defensive. And maybe it's because we met in law school and we were both

kind of— law school is very competitive. He gets very defensive and I can get very

locked into, but I'm right. And then he can get very locked into, but he's right. And we

never wanted to look bad in front of the other person. And let me tell you, we've hashed

this out and hashed it out and hashed it out, but we never wanted to look bad in front

of the other person.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:19 - 00:41:55]

So there would be a lot of posturing, which then creates resentment and it creates

people acting like jerks to each other. And I never really would've understood it or

broken it down until after infidelity. And we just had this interaction today. As I was

pulling in the garage, he was pulling out and he's like, gotta go, messed up the time

totally. And now I'm late. And as he's flying by me, I was like, I've never done that

myself. And he's like, yeah, sure you haven't. And it's this laughing, lighthearted, fun

moment.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:56 - 00:42:50]

Versus before, he might've just roared out of the garage because he's late and not said,

I'm late, I screwed it up, or would've said something flip But like, get outta my way,

you're slowing me down, which then would've made me be like, well, what a jerk, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. And it would've gone on this negative spiral. So there's more

honesty, there's more humanness, there's more willingness to be wrong. There's more

grace for each other. Because one of our toxic cycles before was also sort of pointing

out to the other person Like that, huh? Well, you screwed that one up. And I don't know,

again, how it all started, whether it's the law school perfection thing, whatever. In a

way, it hardly matters. It's that we notice that now, and it's, you don't have to tear me

down.

What does it mean to be healed

17 of 22

Lora Cheadle [00:42:50 - 00:43:18]

We're on the same side. Just because you're having a bad day, you don't need to pull

me down to your level. I can go be happy and you can go sit in your office and be

grumpy all day long if you want. You know what I mean? And there's times too, same

thing where he'll come into my office and he'll like move my hair aside and kiss my

neck and be like, hi. And I'm like, dude, not now. I'm really stressed. Awesome. Not now.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:19 - 00:43:40]

I'm really stressed. He goes away. Then I can come back up. Thank you. I just needed to

get that email done. I couldn't believe what happened with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know what I'm saying? Like where before there was just some of that negative

undertone, like, well, yeah, every time I come see you, you just push me away. And

there's none of, I don't wanna say there's none of that anymore.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:41 - 00:44:19]

Sometimes old habits still creep in. Sometimes we have a hard time regulating.

Sometimes we miss the boat. But it's not a big deal. It can feel like a big deal in the

moment, but in the scheme of things, we talk about it, we admit it, we say, oh yeah,

wow. And it's not a big deal anymore. So that's what being healed looks like. It looks like

living and having a life, not just a to-do list.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:20 - 00:45:52]

It looks like having a messy, messy relationship and life, because life and relationships

are messy, and not having it mean the end of the world, not catastrophizing all of this

stuff or blaming the other person because things got stressed out in our world. You

know what I mean? How we sometimes do that? I will speak for me, how I have

sometimes done that, gotten stressed out and Kind of took it out on the other person in

a weird defensive way, and it has nothing to do with them. Being healed means having

so much more joy and connection because you're not doing weird behaviors like that,

because you've looked at your toxic traits, they've looked at their toxic traits, you've

addressed them, you've accepted them in each other, and it's okay. And I think it's

important too, even if you're in a relationship with a new person, to have that level of

openness, to be able to call somebody out when they are behaving badly, calling them

out in a way that lets them know, I see you, I hear you, I know what you're doing, and

What does it mean to be healed

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it's my boundary that I won't tolerate it. It's not that I'm mad at you. It's not that I'm—

disgusted with you. It's not that I think you are unworthy yourself or less than that

yourself. It's just that I don't play that game.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:53 - 00:46:34]

I don't do that. If you need to step away, we'll step away and we'll address it later, but

I'm having boundaries. And my boundaries don't mean that I'm mad. I teach so much

on boundaries. We need to do another boundaries workshop, don't we? Maybe I'll get

another boundaries workshop on the books because that is so important. But when I

have a boundary, it doesn't mean that I'm angry at you. It means that this behavior is

impacting me and I'm protecting myself. I don't want to be around this person, this

situation, this energy, and I'm protecting myself.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:34 - 00:47:18]

I'm not mad. I'm not abandoning you or threatening you or pulling off my ring and

throwing it at you. It's, I've got a boundary and you take, you go take care of you and

I'm gonna go take care of me. And I can take care of me and I can love you and you can

take care of you and you can love me. And sometimes that means being together and

sometimes that means being apart. Here's the other thing about healing that I wanna

talk about. You don't need to know what they're doing in order to know who you are.

You don't need to know what they, your husband, the affair partners, whoever they are,

are doing in order to know who you are and to live life fully and to have joy.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:19 - 00:48:13]

Your joy is not contingent on him doing something differently. Your joy is contingent on

you. When we get our life focused on who are they texting, who are they calling, are

they telling the truth, are they really Remorseful? Is this gonna last? Have they

changed? Are they gaslighting me? Like, oh my gosh, it's a lot. And early on, again,

those things are important because you're trying to create safety, but your happiness

does not depend on them coming to the table. Your life, again, going back to that, what

is front and center in your life? Your happiness and your life should be front and center. I

mean, Even to this day, if my husband were to screw things up, yes, it would be

devastating in a lot of ways. I'm not gonna lie and be flippant and be like, it just

wouldn't matter. Of course it would matter.

What does it mean to be healed

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Lora Cheadle [00:48:13 - 00:48:41]

It would be awful. I would not, I would not enjoy it or appreciate it. And yet I would, I

could still be happy. I would still allow myself to go through the grief. I would still have

to do the healing. I would still have to whatever it is. And I could still be happy because

I make me happy. If he's in a grouchy mood, whether it's because of work or like

recently he hurt his back, and when your back hurts, it makes you grouchy.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:42 - 00:49:40]

It's not on me. His weird work client or his painful back that makes him feel weird is not

on me, nor does it diminish my happiness. You know what I'm saying? Even if he sits

and scrolls on his phone and I disapprove of it because I don't think social media is all

that great or whatever, why would I let him drain me of happiness? Why would I let him

drain me of whatever it is I'm doing? I'm doing a creative project. I'm talking to friends.

I'm dinking around with whatever. I do me because I get to be happy. And I think full

healing really means their behavior stop determines, stop, stops determining your

relationship with yourself. Their behavior stops determining your relationship with

yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:41 - 00:50:13]

I can have a good day or a bad day, and he can have a good day or a bad day. But I'm

in charge of my relationship with me. Some of the phrases that I teach people, I'm

gonna teach you here. Are you ready? Because I think it's important. And yes, we're tip

of the iceberg here. If we're working together, which I'd love to work with you, I would

really love to at least talk to you and see if it's a good fit. But some of the phrases that I

teach. Things like, that's interesting.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:14 - 00:50:46]

Or, you know, on a negative, that feels concerning. That's encouraging. That's not

acceptable to me. When you can have a more, I was going to say nuanced, it's not

really, neutral. It's more of a neutral. When you can have more of a neutral comment

when you observe things, it doesn't send them into a trigger and it doesn't send you

into a trigger. It's not that you are managing their emotions. It's that you are managing

your own triggers.

What does it mean to be healed

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Lora Cheadle [00:50:47 - 00:51:34]

And if you are using language that invokes a feeling of threat, your nervous system is

going to respond, is it not? Like, if you're using that language that this is dangerous,

this is awful, this is a threat, your nervous system is going to respond accordingly. So

when you say, that's interesting, Or even that's concerning, your nervous system is

scanning and it's like, yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, it's concerning. I'll make note. But it

doesn't launch you into full fight, flight, or freeze. And that's really important because

it's so easy to distort reality after infidelity. We can either distort reality to keep the

marriage. You know what I mean? We, I don't wanna see it.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:34 - 00:52:02]

I don't wanna know. And we Play nice in a way that we shouldn't. We gaslight ourselves.

Yes. So much talk about gaslighting others, but really, we gaslight ourselves a lot. And

just, just, whew, feel that. Sit with that. Do you feel that in your solar plexus? The ways

you've gaslit yourself, made excuses for somebody else.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:03 - 00:52:51]

Made something okay that you know is not okay. Bit your tongue on something that's

materially important. Yeah. It's about letting reality be what reality is. You don't need

reality to be different before you can be okay. You don't need to gaslight yourself and

distort reality to keep the marriage, but nor do you need to catastrophize reality to

protect yourself. And let me tell you, early on, I catastrophized a lot of reality to protect

myself. You know, I'd see him texting and I'd be like, ah, this is it.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:52 - 00:53:34]

And I would launch myself into this panic mode. And I think the way to really wrap this

up the best is healing means you trust yourself more than you need certainty. You trust

yourself to handle the big emotions. You trust yourself to handle being scared, being

afraid, being lost, being hurt, being confused. Infidelity is truly one of the biggest

Transformations that we can go through. And early on, women desperately want

guarantees, right? Guarantees that it's gonna work. The marriage is gonna last. He's

gonna cheat again.

What does it mean to be healed

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Lora Cheadle [00:53:34 - 00:54:14]

Oh my gosh, that staying is the right thing, that I'm gonna be happier, that I won't

regret this, that the kids won't be hurt, that tell me I'm not being stupid. Like we want

all of these guarantees and we want all this certainty. And healing Is truly releasing the

need for certainty, realizing that, yeah, as a human, I would love to have certainty. As a

human, I would love to be certain about things, but I can handle whatever comes up. I

can handle the good, the bad, the ugly. I can sit with my own mistakes and offer myself

compassion and grace. I can sit with my partner's mistakes, offer him compassion and

grace. Or her.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:15 - 00:55:03]

And, and this and is important, I can offer them compassion and grace, and I can

protect myself. I can be okay with what really happened because I know I'm protecting

myself. And I know I am not just living another to-do list. I am living a full to-live list. Ah,

let me know how that feels for you. Let me know where you feel that. Like I said, I truly

would love to work with you. Think about how much we go through week at a time in

these episodes, and just think about how much deeper that could be when we're one-

on-one in the Zoom room together.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:05 - 00:55:55]

Book your introductory session at introductorysession.com. It is not a sales pitch. I'm

not like that. It's really sitting with you and giving you my professional opinion about

what might work, what might not work, what you could use help with, who might be the

best person to work with you, because spoiler alert, it's not always me. So

introductorysession.com. Let's figure it all out together. And between now and then,

between now and next week, or between now and our call, whichever is first, I want you

to write down your vision for how you want to live, for how you want to be, for how you

want to feel on the other side of this journey. Have an amazing week.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:56 - 00:56:05]

And as usual, Always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is

always more than enough.

What does it mean to be healed

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Lora Cheadle [00:56:07 - 00:57:27]

There's a moment in every life, the moment where everything changes, where life as

you knew it has completely been shattered. And in that moment, there's a part of you

that is desperate To get back to the way things used to be. But there's another part of

you that senses the power of what's opening and of what else might be possible for

you. That's where my work begins. I help people move through this threshold, through

the fear, the fear of the unknown, the Shame, the darkness, all of those things that

keep them stuck, and into the truest version of themselves. Not the self shaped by

expectations and performance, but the self that is powered by Soul, by Presence, and

by possibility. If you were in that breaking open moment right now, Know that you don't

have to walk through it alone. I am here.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:27 - 00:58:36]

I have been there too. I can walk with you through that dark night of the soul. I can help

you keep your eyes fixed on the horizon, on the possibility of what's next. So you can

take the parts of the past that are worth preserving, And so you can launch into the

bigness, the brightness, and the fullest expression of yourself and your future. Go to

introductorysession.com and book your session with me. We can get it all laid out,

figure out the plan that is best for you. So you keep moving forward, and so you don't

stay stuck or fall back, because there's nothing worse than wasting this pure potential

of this moment that is both catastrophic but also cataclysmic in its own way.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:37 - 00:58:42]

I can't wait to connect with you and To co-create what is next.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:43 - 00:58:47]

Introductorysession.com. I'll see you there.

Speaker A [00:58:51 - 00:59:20]

Tune in next time to Flaunt: Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity

or Betrayal with Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard

Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what's possible

for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to

embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at

betrayalrecoveryguide.com.