Why Making the ‘Right’ Decision Can Feel Impossible After Betrayal

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
Have you ever looked back on a decision that you had made and thought, oh, my God, I made such a big mistake. What was I even thinking? Or have you ever, going forward, looked at a decision that you know you are going to need to make? Like, should I leave? Should I stay and give it another chance? And thought, what if. What if I stay and try to reconcile and it doesn't work out and he cheats again and I realize how stupid I've been? Or what if I'm just so mad right now and I'm so done and I leave, but then I regret it because I never find anybody? I realize that I let go of the only relationship that was ever going to make me happy. Have you ever done that? Please say that you have, because I have, too. And you are absolutely not alone. If you in one moment can feel fairly solid about a choice, and then in another moment feel like you made the worst decision of your life. I want to start by telling you a little bit of a story that happened to me last weekend with my son. And the reason that I want to tell you this story is because it really illustrates that doubting yourself does not mean you chose wrong.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:42]:
Doubting yourself only means that you chose wrong wisely. However, you can choose wisely, and then the story can keep unfolding. You can choose wisely, and then the story can keep unfolding, and it can unfold in a way where suddenly you go, oh, I think I made a mistake. And that right there is the key that I really want you to focus on. You didn't make a mistake when you were making the decision. The perception of a mistake being made only happens when additional information comes to light. And then you start Monday morning quarterbacking your decision and beating yourself up for making a really bad choice. Okay, let me tell you a little bit about my son.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:51]:
He recently got a job offer. It was a good job offer. In a city that is fairly close to where he wants to be doing roughly what he wants to do, based on the numbers of jobs that are not available right now, based on the fact that he's been interviewing over the last few months and hasn't gotten a decent offer. This offer looked pretty sweet. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty darn good. Now, it did mean that he had to move. So what happens when you have to move? Oh, yeah, you have to sign a lease. And most leases are a year long, and it's really expensive to break a lease.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:37]:
So he did all of his research, he thought things through, he talked to friends, he toured you know, the city toured different condos and apartments and looked at all these different options and ended up signing a lease on an apartment that he really, really likes, which is within walking distance of the job. So everything seems like it's going really well, right? Kid, you not. Seven minutes. Seven minutes after he signs the lease, he gets an email from another job that he applied for that is, in fact his dream job, asking him for a second interview. Now, a little more context. His first interview was like three and a half months ago. More context. It's for the government, which means you have to go through all of the different.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:28]:
I think it's like the PPO office or something like that, all of those different hiring stuff. And it can take, oh, four months, nine months, six months. So he got a second interview for the dream job. Doesn't mean he got the job, but he got the second interview and he completely freaked out. Oh, my God, I've made the biggest mistake ever. I'm so afraid that I made a big mistake. I accepted this job, I signed the lease on an apartment. I'm all set to go.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:57]:
And guess what happened? I got a second interview. And it was really good for me to witness this, because what he was experiencing is what I have experienced so many times before and what you, and so many of the women like you, that I have coached have experienced time and time again. It's that fear of making a mistake when new information comes to light and all of a sudden we see things differently. We feel horrible, we feel regret, we feel like we've screwed things up. And I'm going to talk a little bit more about that later because there is a reason why after betrayal, the fear of messing up is even stronger than it was before. And like I said, I'll get into that a little bit later. But after betrayal, the fear of messing up is huge. And so often it can even kind of cripple us.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:06]:
It can put us into that state of freeze where I can't decide. I don't know if I want to stay or go. I don't know what I want because I'm in shock, because I'm frozen, because I am so petrified of making a mistake. And if I make a mistake, I think it's going to mean so much about me. So before we get into all of the reasons why and some more details about that, I want you to ponder, breathe in case you're agitated, because talking about making mistakes can be really activating. It can be really activating. And, you know, I think part of that Too, is based on the way that we were raised. Don't mess up.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:55]:
Don't make a mistake. Don't do anything you'll regret. And it's like, okay, on the one hand, that's really good advice. Don't do something you'll regret. Don't mess up. But on the other hand, sometimes we do make a mistake. Air quotes, mistake. Because we didn't have all the information, because we didn't see the full picture.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:22]:
And in fact, we made a really darn good, good decision. A really darn good decision. We did not, in fact, make a mistake. We made an incredible decision. It's just that we made that decision not knowing all the facts. Now, this is what I want you to think about. We don't actually have language for that. We don't have a word for a decision that was made in the moment that was really strong and solid but then turned out to not be a good decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:06]:
We have plenty of words for failure, mistake, error, wrong choice. We have all of these words about screwing up, but we don't have a word that celebrates and honors people for making a really good decision that doesn't turn out the way they had planned. I think the word that is closest is discernment. When we practice discernment, we can be relatively certain that at least inside, our sense of integrity, our. Our sense of solidness and calmness in the decision can be intact. And yet still, if you're anything like me, you don't lie in bed at night patting yourself on the back and being like, yeah, even though that blew up in your face. Dang, Lora, your power of discernment was spot on. And you did such a good job.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:14]:
Like, we don't do that. I mean, maybe you do that, but I don't do that. What I do is I lay in bed at night and beat myself up. Why didn't I know? How could I have not seen that? What was I thinking? But here's the key. A mistake implies negligence. Discernment implies wisdom. Even when the outcome changes, a mistake implies negligence. You were honestly careless.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:51]:
You didn't fact check. You didn't call references. You didn't do your due diligence, that's a mistake. That's a mistake. But it is not a mistake. When you use discernment, when you use your wisdom, when you check in with your body, when you listen, your intuition, when you call references, when you fact checked, when you have discussions with trusted friends or professionals, when you do all of those things and you use your discernment and you lean into your wise self and you make a decision and it blows up in your face because the outcome is not what you expected. You didn't do anything wrong. Wrong.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:43]:
If you were to stay with your partner because they're growing, they're learning, they're changing, they're showing up differently, they're getting help, things are looking amazing, and you have used discernment, you have been wise, and they choose to go do something untoward again, that is not bad on you. I hate to even talk about the inverse of that, but I'm going to. Because. Because I don't sugarcoat things. The flip side of that, the inverse of that is if your partner continues to gaslight you, if they say all the words but they don't take action, if they always have an excuse, if nothing really changes, if you're caught in the same old patterns time after time, if they tell you you're crazy and then you. You still stay and you think things will change even though all evidence is to the contrary and things blow up in your face, that's negligence. That's negligence. One of the questions I get asked a lot is, do I check his phone? And you've all heard the phrase trust but verify.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:08]:
But there's so much wisdom in that. Like, I am not going to spend my entire life following him around, checking his phone. I'm not going to put a tracker on him. I'm not going to be, like, monitoring and doing all of this stuff because. And this is the part that's important to hear because. Because I'm using discernment in all of these other areas. We're having deeper conversations. He's having aha moments that he's sharing with me.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:38]:
I'm having aha moments that I'm sharing with him. We are growing together. He is changing. I feel the difference in our relationship. I don't need to go around and check because I feel the difference. And I see him showing up differently now. If something does change and things are feeling really, really weird and all of a sudden things have gone off the rail, you bet I'm going to check. I'm going to check.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:08]:
Not out of paranoia. I'm going to check because this doesn't make sense. Suddenly he's incredibly distant. He's quit going to therapy, he's staying out late at night, he's changed his cologne. You know, all of those different, typical signs. Yes, check. That kind of checking is appropriate. Don't be negligent.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:34]:
Be wise and use discernment. Now, I said I was going to talk a little bit more about why, especially after betrayal, it becomes so important to us to make the quote, unquote, right decision. There's several different layers here. First of all, broadening out kind of to the broadest layer. We have unconscious expectations about how things should unfold, about how our life should work out, about what should happen. And when those expectations aren't met, our nervous system gets agitated because we have been conditioned from life, from our present and past reality, to expect certain things. It's like, if somebody's not home on time, what happens? Like your kid. Your kid goes out, they don't come home on time.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:44]:
You start worrying, oh, my gosh, did they get in an accident? What's going on? Your nervous system kicks in. You get a little bit hyper vigilant. You get a little bit angry. Sometimes you get a little bit like, bah, who am I gonna call? Why aren't they texting? What's going on? Do I know where they last were? Let me check their location. You start getting keyed up because your nervous system is recognizing, my expectations have not been met, which means I am not safe. To regain control, the mind turns inwards and it says, I can control this. What can I do? Or I did something wrong. Why did I let my kids go out with that friend? Why did I say that they could do this? Why? What's going on? What am.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:34]:
And we start hyper fixating on things. I intentionally used an example about kids because I wanted to keep your nervous system a little bit safe. You know what I mean? I wanted to have you see how that happens in other situations. And it's not that betrayal ruined you. It's not that it broke you for good. It's not that your picker is bad and that you chose wrong and this whole thing is bad. You do this in other situations. I do this in other situations.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:10]:
We all do this in other situations because we're human and because that's the way the nervous system works. Got it? When expectations aren't met, we take control by blaming ourselves, by leaning into all of the things that we can do that we should do. When our expectations aren't met, our nervous system is activated, and we are not in our rational, reasonable, prefrontal cortex. We're back here in the survival portion of our minds being like, what can I do? And, oh, my God, if I do this wrong, am I going to die? So, yes, when you're trying to make this decision, do we work this out? Do we hire Lora for an intensive? Do we do couples therapy? Do I start working with Lora and does he start going to therapy? Do we start doing these workbooks together? Like, when you're processing all of that, you're having expectations. If I work, if we do it, if we do an intensive with Lora, my expectations are by the end of our time together, my partner is going to tell me he's sorry and he's going to see the light and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When my partner goes to therapy, my expectations are he's going to learn, he's going to see what was wrong, he's going to learn about empathy. Suddenly the light bulb is going to go on and he's going to figure it out. When I work with Lora, suddenly I'm going to be able to let things go.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:54]:
I'm going to be able to be really, really happy. I'm not going to have resentment. I'm. Whatever it is, expectations are there. And what causes problems with expectations is not only when they're not met, that does cause problems, but when we can't really identify what those expectations are. When people hire me for an intensive, or just for couples groups, or when people work with me one on one, that's one of the first questions that I ask them. What do you want to get out of this? What is a positive outcome look like for you? Because we all need to get crystal clear what it is you expect and what success looks like for you. You tell me, if you were in my shoes and somebody called and said, I really want to work with you, and you said, great, I know I can help, that would be lovely.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:02]:
And then you were asked, so what do you hope to get out of this? What would success look like? And they started telling you things like success would mean. My partner sees the error of his ways completely. He apologizes, he does this, he does that. He shows up differently. He deals, gets therapy, he apologizes to my family, he writes a letter to the kids. He. Do you working with a woman have any control over what the betrayer does? No. Do you think it's going to be a successful outcome if everything is focused on what I can make somebody else do? No.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:59]:
We don't have control over other people. We only have control over ourselves. So when you can get really, really clear that my expectations, my perceived and desired outcomes are somebody else changing, and I'm not in control of that somebody else, then you know those aren't realistic expectations. And I hear you. I mean, I wanted my husband fixed. Quite frankly, I wanted someone to fix him. I will hire anybody and I will pay Any amount of money. If you just fix him, if you can just open his eyes to how stupid and ridiculous he was being, if you can just get him to see, that would have been worth anything to me.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:55]:
But is that realistic? No. So instead of feeling so helpless and out of control that, oh my God, I can't change another person, nor can I hire another person to change another person to the way I want them to be. Because that's manipulation and control. We turn it in and we blame ourselves. What's wrong with me? Why can't. Why doesn't he love me enough to make those changes? Why am I not worthy enough for him to see the light? We internalize it. We blame ourselves as a method of trying to trick our mind into believing that we have more control than we actually do. Because to be in the place where we say, I have no control over that outcome, that's terrifying.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:56]:
That's terrifying. But the truth is, self blame is not truth. It's just an attempt to feel powerful again after uncertainty. Blaming yourself is an attempt to feel powerful again after uncertainty. Because if I can blame me and it was my fault, I can change it and I can never let it happen again. Which leads right into perfectionism after betrayal. Perfectionism is so much more than just about getting it right, making the right decision. Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I move? Do I do this? Do I hire this divorce attorney? Do I hire this therapist? Do.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:45]:
It's about way more than getting it right. It's about proving that you're not a failure. It's about proving that you have control and that you're not a failure. Because if this whole thing can blow up and then I can do everything right afterwards, not only will everybody see it wasn't me, it wasn't me because I'm perfect, but I'll also prove to myself that it wasn't about me. If I can be perfect, then I can prove to myself that this wasn't my fault. So do you see how it gets really twisted? We want all the control because it's too scary to live in a world where we really can't control everything, anybody or anything else except us. And we also want to play and to pretend that we're perfect so we can prove to other people that, yes, indeed, I do have it all under control and it's not me. It's absolutely not me.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:53]:
And you may not have it under control, but I certainly do and I know the answer to everything. If you're relating to this, please nod vigorously. Please smile a Little bit too, because, yeah, when you start breaking it down like that, and that's why I'm spending so much time breaking it down, because when you start breaking it down like that, you can kind of see how crazy it is and truly how comical it is. And again, I brought in the story with my son, and then I brought in the hypothetical situation of your kids being late to take it out of the betrayal context intentionally. So you can really start seeing, you can start collecting that evidence for yourself that, yeah, I've done this before. Yeah, I'll do this again. And it's not that betrayal broke me. It's not that I chose such a bad partner and then he cheated on me and it's all my fault.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:55]:
And betrayal broke me. Yes, Betrayal collapses certainty. It breaks all of those expectations we had about what we thought our life was going to be like, about what we thought our future was going to be like. Our family structure, the story, it collapses. The story. I don't know about you, but never in my wildest dreams did I think the story of my life was going to be the story that I was betrayed by my partner. Never did I ever think that was going to be my story. When a rupture like that occurs, the mind responds by demanding guarantees.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:41]:
I am never going to let this happen again. This was so painful. This was so disorienting. This was so destabilizing. I am going to set it up where everything going forward is guaranteed. So perfection becomes this concept that we think we have to attain. If I attain perfection, if I make all the right decisions, then it guarantees a good outcome. So I'm never going to hurt again.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:11]:
I'm never going to be blindsided again, and my life is going to work out. We have the illusion that self trust is about being right, that growth is about being right. But the thing is, self trust isn't about never being wrong or having it figured out all the time or making perfect decisions. Self trust is about knowing that you're not going to abandon yourself when things evolve and change and inevitably fall apart. And that's what I kept saying to my son. You don't know. None of us know. Like, yes, What a strange twist of fate that minutes after signing Elise, you got a second interview, but you don't know what that means.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:14]:
You don't know if they require four interviews. You don't know what the pay might be. You don't know it could take eight months for them to actually hire you for this position. It could be three days. And if it's in three days, you'll figure it out in three days. If it's in eight months, you can figure it out. I even told him, here's some words to use. This is what I do with my people when I coach.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:46]:
Let me help you. Here are some words to use. I really want this job. How can we make this work out considering these constraints? What can we do to make this a win win for everybody? And I went through several phrases like that with him to help him with find that level of calm in his brain, in his body, in his nervous system that whatever happens, he can figure it out because things will evolve. We don't know, he could get fired and it could be a non issue that he has to quit a job. We don't know. The apartment complex could burn down, God forbid. But you know what I'm saying, like things happen, things get disrupted.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:31]:
He could find somebody who was dying to take over his lease. He could not, he could end up paying through the nose on a year long lease. Like we don't know about that. But self-trust is just knowing that you'll stay present with yourself and figure it out when things come up. So many of you ask the this and I hear it. What if he cheats again? Oh my God, what if I trust him and he cheats again? And it's not that the answer is irrelevant. That would be horrible, that would not be fun. But I guarantee you can handle it.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:15]:
I guarantee you can stay present with your emotions and with yourself and you can figure something out. Out. And it's not that if you stay and he cheats again, it's not that you made a bad decision the first time unless you were intentionally negligent and intentionally sticking your head into the sand and intentionally not looking at things that you knew were right there in front of you. If you can look around, if you can look at what is externally around you, if you can drop in and feel what's going on internally around you, then your decision was valid. Your decision was valid. I knew that I needed to stay. I had an internal sense that the story wasn't done externally. Sean was showing up differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:13]:
He was having insight. All of the things that I've talked about, it was a valid decision. When I made that decision, I used a high level of discernment and self trust and awareness. And the decision itself was good. Fortunately for my expectations and for my nervous system, it's turned out good so far. But you know what? It could have turned out bad. And the outcome says nothing about the decision. It's the whole concept of releasing the attachment to outcome.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:49]:
You give the 20 bucks to a homeless person on the street and they do something good with it, or you give 20 bucks to the homeless person on the street and they buy drugs. Your action is what matters, not what they do with it. The whole concept. We're coming up on the super bowl when I'm recording this. So the whole concept of Monday morning quarterbacking is just friend and center in my world. But this is what I want to talk about because I also, you know, earlier when I said we don't have a word for this. We don't have a word for a good decision that turned out bad. But nor do we get celebrated for wise discernment.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:35]:
You know, we don't celebrate our kids for wise discernment. We don't celebrate in the business world for wise discernment. We celebrate based on outcome. And that's. That's a shame. I mean, yes, there are many situations where outcome is important. There are many situations where outcome matters. But where can we start focusing on wise discernment and at least celebrating that it's more than just the participation ribbon? It's more than just a for effort.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:17]:
It is honestly, legitimately recognizing that effort that was made because the truth of the matter is whether it's creating a new recipe and you put your heart and soul into it and the baking powder had gone bad and expired and it was a really bad result, or you read the recipe but the recipe was printed wrong. I mean, there's so many different scenarios and ideas. It is the effort that matters. It is the wise discernment that matters. And I'm a firm believer that we should separate the effort from the outcome and spend more time focusing on and training that effort. And again, the reason I'm using so many other different scenarios, recipes, school, things like that, is because I want you to realize this is not specific to betrayal, but betrayal intensifies it. But it is not specific to betrayal. We don't get celebrated for wise discernment.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:29]:
We only get Monday morning quarterbacking. And sometimes Monday morning quarterbacking can be helpful. What did you not know then that going forward you can know Before I didn't know. I'm just making this up. But before, I didn't know to check WhatsApp messages. Now I know to check WhatsApp messages. That helps me. That's good information, and I've learned and grown from it.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:00]:
But there's so many things, too, that the Monday morning quarterbacking doesn't matter because you're Seeing a camera angle that is not the camera angle you would have if you were right there involved in the football play. So we have to use discernment as well when it comes to the whole Monday morning quarterbacking. Decisions judged only in hindsight, it's not that they're bad, but decisions judged only in hindsight are only outcome specific. And that's not the way we live our life. We live our life facing forward, moving forward. Hindsight can make us feel really powerful. Like, I'm never gonna let that one happen again. And like I said, yes, sometimes you can.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:01]:
But mistakes give us wisdom. So, yeah, make the mistakes, get the wisdom and learn on. But that hindsight, it can make us feel powerful. But that power is also a lie because there's always something new. There's always new information. There's always new things that are developing that we can't see. And what my work focuses on is building self trust. And the truth about self trust is it's built in real time.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:38]:
It's not built in review. Self trust is built in those moments of being able to say, yes, here's what I'm doing to do my due diligence. Here's how I'm using my wisdom here. I've got. Yeah, I've got this. Here's what I'm thinking, here's what I'm wanting. Hmm. Here's what's realistic.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:10]:
Hmm. Here's what's idealistic. Yeah, I need to check with these people. I need to check with these resources. Okay. I feel fairly confident about my decision in this moment. That's what self trust is about. It's about being wise enough to discern in the moment when enough is enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:33]:
When information overload only ceases to confuse the situation. More when you need more, when you need less, when you need to move and when you need to sit on it. That's what building self trust does. That's what building self trust is about. Building self trust is not about getting it right. Building self trust is about getting comfortable with what is being open and permeable, having enough forward motion and having enough time in deep, wise presence. So you might be thinking, okay, I get that. I want to feel self trust.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:19]:
Because here's the thing. When you have self trust and this situation has built up a lot of self trust in me, when you have true, honest self trust, you really know that you can handle anything. And no, there's things I don't ever want to handle, thank you very much. But I also know that I can. I know how to get information. I know which sources to trust. I know which sources have their best interest at heart and not mine. I know how to filter out information and say, this might be valid for you, but it doesn't work for me.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:59]:
I have built up those skills. So I now trust myself more than I trust others. I now trust myself more than I trust others. So I know that. And I am confident that in every moment where I am trying, I will make a good decision. I am 100% confident that whenever I try, I will make an excellent decision. Do you hear all the parts? I am 100% confident that when I try, I will always make a good decision. I cannot guarantee that my outcomes will be met.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:43]:
I cannot guarantee that my expectations will be met. But I can guarantee that I can and will make a good decision. And that's what I want the most for you is that self confidence, that level of self trust, that this is what I know I need to do. And like I said earlier, that's built in the moment. That's one of the reasons that I love Betrayal Lifeline, the voxer coaching so much because we talk along the way. And so I can start training you to ask the right questions. I can start training your discernment. I can start training your intuition.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:25]:
I can start training you to trust yourself. So at first we might be talking 15, 20 times a day, then it'll slow down and maybe we'll only be talking five times a day, then maybe only once a day, then maybe only once a week as your level of self trust goes up. Because you have been trained to ask the right questions. You have been trained to say the right words. You have been trained to look for the right things. Self trust is built over time in the moment. Now, there's three things that I want to say about self trust. And I know there's been a lot in this show that's kind of who I gotta sit and think with.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:08]:
That. Hmm. I'm not sure if I can separate the outcome from the decision. So give yourself a moment to breathe. Give yourself a minute to process. And I think most importantly, give yourself a moment to let yourself off the hook. Have you made mistakes? Sure. We all have.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:33]:
Have you made really solid decisions that turned out bad? Absolutely. Will you make decisions in the future that turn out bad? Absolutely. Does it say anything about you as a worthy or an unworthy person? Nope. Not at all. Does it make you bad? Does it make you imperfect? Does it make you. No, it makes you human. What I care about is the feeling of guilt and Shame and remorse. You don't ever have to have that again.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:11]:
You don't ever have to feel that sense of dread and shame and guilt and remorse when you have a heightened level of self trust. Now, three things that I said I wanted to tell you. You can choose wisely without knowing everything. There are very few points in your life where you're going to have all of the information. You can choose wisely without knowing everything. Think about all the situations where you start googling something and you start reading reviews and it goes from clear to complete chaotic mush. I know I did that not too long ago when we were trying to figure out what kind of a refrigerator to get. You start reading all the fraud reports and all of the reviews, all of the positives and negatives, and pretty soon I was like, I kid you not, there is not one good refrigerator on the market.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:15]:
They're all horrible. It's never going to work out because it was information overload. You can choose wisely without knowing everything. Number two, new information doesn't retroactively make you wrong. New information does not retroactively make you wrong. New information gives you new information. It can change the playing field. It can make you wish you would have known so you would have made a different decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:52]:
It can make it so you change your mind going forward, but it does not make you wrong. And it's also okay to be wrong. But new information or changing your mind does not make you wrong. And then the third most important thing I want you to hear is discernment is a relationship. It's not a verdict. There is no cut and dried crystal clear. Right? Wrong, good, bad, yes, no. In any of these situations, there are things that I would do and there are things that you would do and there's things that other people will do.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:29]:
Discernment is the relationship of how it feels in my body, how it feels in my mind, how it plays out in my life. It's a relationship. It's not a verdict. When my son was picking his apartment leases, I went up with him one day and looked at apartments. My mom went up one day and looked at apartments. My dad went up one day, like he went up a few times. And he really looked at a lot of different places. And he and my dad picked the same place, but my mom and I picked a different place.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:03]:
According to our filter, we would have picked this other place, but according to his filter and my dad's filter, they would have picked a different place. It's not right or wrong. That's discernment. It's the relationship. These are the things I care about. These are the things that he cares about. When we think about healing from betrayal, we think that healing is getting it right. Healing is not about getting it right the first time.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:32]:
Healing is about staying connected to yourself as the truth unfolds. And this is why things like trickle truth and, you know, truth bombs that come out years later feel so devastating, because we feel like, I didn't get it right. You got it right or you didn't. What matters is staying connected to yourself and as the truth unfolds, staying connected to yourself as the truth unfolds. If this makes sense to you, I want you to spend some time today thinking about it, going back through some of the decisions that you have made in your life. Both. Both the decisions that you really, really were happy about and the decisions that you regretted. And I want you to do your own kind of form of Monday morning quarterbacking and see, wow, that was a good decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:40]:
Or that was a decision that I made without enough information. Just see, see the times where you did things really, really well. And see the times where you rushed and you didn't do things very well. Again, not from a place of judgment, just from a place of observing. And then this is where it gets interesting. That's your decision point. Then I want you to look at the outcome, because the outcome does not always follow the decision point. I have made really, really great decisions that turned out terribly.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:22]:
And I have made really, really negligent decisions that have turned out great. And that's why I want you to just spend some time pondering, seeing how it turned out. Once I hired a web designer, I didn't know I paid her $10,000. She created the most beautiful website ever. And then I realized it was a static website, it was custom coded and I couldn't update anything. I would need her at like $345 an hour to update every single little thing on my website. And I felt so stupid, but I didn't know what to ask for. It was when I was very first doing business.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:11]:
I had no idea there was a difference between, like a WordPress site that you could manually edit and custom coding. I had no idea it was a good decision because I didn't know what else to ask for at that time and it turned out poorly. Now think about all the things that come through your mind when you go back into your past and think about all these different things. She should have done this. He should have done this. If only I would have known. Why didn't I ask that if there's wisdom that you can pull from that. Great.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:49]:
Pull the wisdom. One thing that I learned from that situation is when I'm hiring professionals in an area that I don't really know all that well, I'll ask, is there something else I need to know here? What do other people ask? What are some of the things that have surprised people learn? Move forward in a different way, but don't beat yourself up for making a decision that based on new information is retroactively a bad decision. And then think about all those just negligence, spur of the moment, woohoo, sure, we'll do this and it turns out great. And the reason I'm asking you to just take time and reflect on that is twofold. One, it's going to calm your nervous system down because you will be collecting evidence of all of the things that have happened, good, bad, right, wrong. And that you're still here, that you survived, that everything did turn out. It's also going to give you evidence that no, betrayal didn't break you. I've been like this the whole time because I'm human and this is what the nervous system does.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:19]:
And yes, betrayal may have heightened the intensity. Betrayal may have heightened the intensity. It may have heightened the desire to be perfect and to be right, to keep myself safe. But I can be okay living with uncertainty. I can be okay living with uncertainty. Oh my God, that feels hard, doesn't it? But here's the truth. You are living with uncertainty. We are all living with uncertainty.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:59]:
Certainty always has been and always will be a myth. Nothing is guaranteed. We do not have control over anything except ourselves and our reactions and our decisions. So what I want for you most is to have that level of self trust where you can start deciding again, where you can make decisions comfortably. Maybe not confidently yet, but just comfortably knowing that yes, based on the information that I have, based on my discernment and my intuition, this makes sense for me now. And I agree to let myself off the hook in the future if things don't turn out the way I anticipate, hold on to that moment, hold on to that decision and celebrate yourself for that discernment. And if you'd like, celebrate others as well. Because this is definitely a cultural shift that I think is worth creating.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:35]:
Now, if you're questioning a decision, if you're questioning yourself and you just can't let it go, if you've got a big decision to make and it's so overwhelming and you just can't get there, reach out. Truly the Best place to walk through that is with me in an introductory session. If you haven't had a session with me before, and I know a lot of you have, but if you haven't had a session with me before, you can book a $97 introductory session at introductory sessions.com and we can break it down. We can figure it out together. We can tap into your intuition, we can tap into and develop your discernment, and we can walk through that process to get together. If you've already had a session with me, you can always book another session. That's fine. And if it's not me, find somebody else, A friend, a loved one.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:42]:
Maybe it is your partner journal. Sit down with yourself and start walking yourself through this wise decision. And remember, if you're doubting yourself or if things blew up in your face, it does not mean that you chose wrong. It means that you exercise discernment and the story kept unfolding and the story unfolded differently. And that is not a failure. That is wisdom in motion. That is life in motion. Take a breath.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:25]:
Like I said earlier, smile. And I do mean smile. Whether you're sitting in your car or taking a walk or chilling out with a face mask on your face, smile a little bit. And here's why. When you smile, it tenses certain muscles in your face that unleash a cascade of feel good emotions and hormones, dopamine, things like that. Just smiling releases that cascade of feel good hormones. So smile. And not only smile, but I want you to kind of smile and smirk in a confident way that I got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:10]:
I got this. The outcome is not in my control. Take your hand, make a fist, and then open the hand. It is not in my control. Release that outcome. Anchor yourself in the decision point. No Monday morning quarterbacking allowed. Drop into yourself now and let's celebrate those moments of choice.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:41]:
Let's celebrate those moments of choice. Because you didn't choose wrong. You didn't choose wrong. Right decisions can still make you doubt yourself because you're hyper vigilant after betrayal. But you did not choose wrong. Have an amazing week. I can't wait to be with you again next week. Please reach out if you want to talk through anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:17]:
That's what I'm here for. I've been there. I get it. Have an amazing week. And always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.