Betrayal Trauma Isn’t What You Think—Why the Noise After Infidelity Keeps You Stuck

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
Betrayal trauma isn't what you think. And today I'd like to talk about why that noise after infidelity is the thing that keeps you stuck more than anything. If you have ever thought, why am I still so affected by this? Why do I feel so defensive of my choice either to stay or to leave? Why do I feel so ashamed or confused even when I know in my heart I am doing everything right, or I am doing the best that I can in this moment? Or if you have ever beat yourself up and kind of wondered, why can't I just decide? Why can't I just move on? Why can't I just leave or let it go or whatever it is, then this show is for you. I want to assure you first and foremost that nothing is wrong with you. You are responding to betrayal trauma, which is a real thing, and we're going to talk about that today. And also noise. And when I talk about noise, what I mean is interference. When you think about radio or frequency or any signal that moves along that's being transmitted, noise is the thing that blocks that carrier.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:48]:
Frequency static is noise. You know, like intermittent pulsing is noise. All of that noise is the thing that interferes with a signal being transmitted and then received clearly. And oh boy, let me tell you, there is so much noise and after betrayal, because everybody out there has an opinion and everybody out there has a judgment. And sometimes the hardest thing to do after betrayal is to find enough of a quiet space where you can actually think, where you can actually figure it out out and make decisions based on who you are and what you want and I think most importantly, what you know to be true. So today that's what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about, yes, betrayal trauma, but also the noise after betrayal. Because most people try to heal the affair, they try to heal the impact of the infidelity without addressing the environment that keeps re traumatizing them.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:16]:
I'm going to say that again because that is so important. Most people try to heal after an affair without addressing the environment that keeps re traumatizing them. Okay, I'm going to start by saying this. There is some research out there that shows that betrayal trauma is more destabilizing than combat trauma. Not because it's worse, being in combat is horrific, but it's more destabilizing because betrayal trauma comes from the person that your nervous system trusted to keep you safe, whereas combat trauma comes from people that you expect to be harming you. So on top of betrayal trauma, which is very real, you're also suddenly being hit with opinions, judgment, advice, pressure to do one thing or to not do something else. And also narratives around infidelity and betrayal that were never built from a trauma aware space in the first place. And that's what I want to unpack with you here today.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:49]:
How the noise that external as well as the internal noise is the thing that is keeping you confused and stuck. And why clarity is the thing that is going to heal you the most. Okay, so let's start by talking about betrayal trauma. So often we think of betrayal trauma as the thing that damaged us, which is the affair, the affair damaged us. The cheating damaged us. The lying damaged us. The gaslighting damaged us. We think about that impact, we think about that event and we think, well, that is the thing that created betrayal trauma.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:39]:
But that's not actually the thing that creates the most significant betrayal trauma. The most significant betrayal trauma happens after. After you find out when your system is already destabilized and then when the world starts coming at you with its narratives, with its stories, with its opinions. It's not just the betrayal itself, it's that aftermath of shoulds that quite often creates more and longer lasting harm than just the infidelity itself. Okay, so we started talking about noise. Noise is the static, it's the interference, it's the thing that gets in the way of your clarity and your understanding. And I want to talk about four different layers of noise. There is internal noise, there is societal noise, there is cultural noise, and then lastly there is industry noise.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:06]:
Okay, so let's start with internal noise. That is that voice inside of you. If you're anything like me. And I think most people that I have ever worked with, which is quite a lot, none of us thought we would be in this situation in the first place. And most of us said something along the lines of, if this ever happens, I'm out of here. That is a hard no. That is a full stop. If my partner ever cheats, we're done.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:42]:
That is what most of us have said inside our bodies, inside our minds. We think that we will leave if that happens. We think that this is a full stop and that it's a very clear cut and dry decision. Then when it really happens, you've got that almost cognitive dissonance of this is what I said I was going to do. And this is what I thought I was going to do versus I'm not really prepared to do that right now. I don't just fall out of love instantly because I found this out. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what to do. Another big thing of internal noise is that voice of what does this say about me? How come he didn't love me or care about me enough to not cheat? What did I do wrong? How did I cause this? Why am I not worthy? I must not be good enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:50]:
And even though on so many levels we know that that's not true, it's still a level of noise. So you've got that one level of noise that I'm not doing what I thought I was going to do. And then you have all of these internal questions being raised about who you are and what you're worth and is this your fault? And then the questions start coming in, like, why am I still here? Why am I giving him another chance? How many chances I'm going to give? Oh, my God, if this was this, what else could there be? What if I find out there's more? What if I give him a chance and then he cheats again? What if, what if, what if? And then underpinning all of that is I can't even trust myself. What is wrong with me? My. My picker is broken. I can't trust myself. Why can't I trust myself? Why am I so messed up? What did I do to deserve this? Oh, my gosh, is it karma? Is it this? Is it that. That is what I'm talking about when I talk about the internal noise.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:55]:
It's that voice in your head that will not shut up. That is blaming and shaming and judging you all the time. Now, the second noise that I want to talk about is societal noise. And yeah, that's a big one. That's friends saying things like, I could never stay or what's wrong with you? Don't be a doormat. Or spinning stories like, well, if you stay, it's going to show him that he can have his cake and eat it too. Have you no shame? Have you no self respect? Or it's family members telling you things like, you can't break up the family. What? Well, think about your kids.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:43]:
You've got to think about more things than just yourself. That is that societal noise that is sometimes just like the family needing a villain who did this so they can feel safe. It's them spinning these stories. Well, I remember this one time when. Well, I. It doesn't surprise me. It's people spinning those stories and putting their fear and their judgment onto you, telling you, you know what I would do well, in this situation, I would never Put up with that. And I wouldn't tolerate that.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:20]:
And all that is, is their panic, their internal noise. And yeah, they're projecting it all onto you. And yes, well, you can know on one hand, okay, this is their stuff, not me. We still honor and love and respect our friends and our family. And that societal noise does come crashing in on us now, the third kind of noise, and it's a little bit the same, but it's also different of that societal noise. This is cultural noise. Cultural noise is the stuff we hear that tells us things like cheating is a moral failure. It's a total moral failure.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:02]:
He has no morals. Cheating is a morally bad thing. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And you know the phrase that I had used earlier about having his cake and eating it too? That also falls into this category of cultural noise. Because when you say, are you going to let him have his cake and eat it too? Or, oh, boy, he's out there getting his jollies, that shows a presumption that cheating is fun and cheating is pleasurable and that all of us would do it if we could get by with it because it's so great. This really feeds into that whole passion narrative. And when you really feed into that passion narrative, it really erases trauma. It makes cheating something that it's not.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:58]:
And if you really think about again what that is meaning, that means that we would all be cheaters, that this is the thing that we all want most desperately, and the only reason that we don't cheat is because we're moral, because we're strong, but that otherwise everybody would do it. That I would cheat if I wasn't moral. You would cheat if you weren't moral. It's something everybody does, and it's great. And there's no joy in monogamic monogamy or sacred relationships because everybody would just cheat if they could. And that's something that always kind of strikes me as funny because it's like, well, first of all, cheating is really not. It's not really fun to lie. It's not really fun to cheat.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:45]:
It's not really fun to do behaviors that honestly harm yourself and others. Intimacy is fun. Connection is fun. So when you go that whole cultural noise that cheating is a moral failure headspace a little bit and think about what it's really saying. Because what it's really saying, nine times out of 10, is if it wasn't for these laws, these rules, everybody would do it because it's so great. And in reality, it's not so great. And then the fourth kind of noise that I want to talk about, and I'm going to be pretty candid, is industry noise. And, yeah, I'm in this industry too, but there's a lot of industry noise that it makes me so angry.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:39]:
Therapy, there's great. There's great therapists, and there is a place for therapy. There is absolutely a place for therapy. And yet still there are so many marriage therapists out there or counselors out there who rush to repair, who bring you into the same room right after D day and are like, let's have a conversation and let's repair this. That is not what you need to be doing. Especially if one partner still hasn't stepped up to the plate. If one person is still minimizing and defending and gaslighting, then all that does is re traumatize you. All that does is gaslight you.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:23]:
Once your partner has had some of their own therapy, then you can come together as a couple. But, oh, my God, so often marriage therapy is not the place to start. It's the individual therapy for the person who cheated that is really, really essential. And then when you are both on an equal playing field, that's when you can bring in therapy. But that's the thing. Sometimes therapy doesn't address power imbalances. It doesn't address honesty. It doesn't address levels of integrity.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:04]:
It. And so often there's either a rush to repair or a rush to separate. And that. That can be hard. My husband, his first therapist that he went to, said to him in the session, I think, like three or four times, why are you still here? If you did all that, why are you still here? Well, I just don't get it. Why are you still here? And finally, my husband did get mad over that because it was like, I am still here for clearly a lot of different reasons and because I love my wife, because I don't want to destroy our family, because I want to figure out why I'm doing this. And I don't know what this is all about. I am still here because I need help.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:48]:
I would have left years ago if that's what I wanted. Obviously, it's not what I wanted. And can you help me or not? And then the therapist actually, actually was like, well, actually, no, we can only do DBT therapy here. We can't do trauma therapy. So, no, I can't help you. Good luck with things. And they ended the relationship. But how many people have been harmed by therapists, by people like that, who, instead of saying, it seems to me like you need a trauma therapist.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:23]:
It seems to me like there's something deeper here. It seems to me that and can point you in the right direction versus the people who are just like, yeah, why are you still here? Why don't you leave? Yeah, why are you still here? Let's just figure, let's just figure it out anyway. So much self help as well minimizes trauma. So much self help rushes to like false empowerment. So much self help rushes to fix yourself, save the marriage, do all these different things and it really minimizes the impact of what are you feeling and what are you experiencing. And then again, I alluded this to a little bit before, but so much marriage work is on communication, it's on compromise, it's on all of these things that are great and fabulous, but not now. We don't need to talk about communication skills and compromise. We need to manage the trauma.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:31]:
We need to get equal levels of clarity, equal levels of power, equal levels of discernment, and then move forward. And all of this, all of that noise lands on a nervous system that is in shock. So at the best of times, we struggle with that inner voice. In the best of times, we struggle with external judgment. In the best of times, we struggle against societal and cultural norms. And at the best of times, sometimes we struggle against well meaning professionals who think they have our best interest at heart, but really don't. So in the best of times, there's a lot of noise. There's a lot of things that we have to discern and sort through.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:25]:
But when all this happens and our nervous system is already in a state of complete shock and trauma, it's really almost impossible to heal. Noise keeps you confused. Noise keeps you searching for that next thing, that next thing, that next thing thing noise keeps you reaching for. If I only understood this, if I only would have said that it's the clarity that heals. It is the silencing of the inner voice, the outer world. And it's that tuning back into your soul that gives you the clarity and that allows you to heal. Now, I want to slow down on this part because this is one of the most damaging cultural myths out there. When we stay, we are not letting our partner off the hook.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:36]:
When somebody stays, whether it's short term, medium term or long term, it is not saying that what happened didn't matter. Staying is not weak. Staying is not being a pushover. Again, whether it is short, medium or long term, staying is not just excusing it. The reason this came up for me is I was recently a Guest on another podcast and the host very adept, very smart, but also not trauma informed, not trauma aware, not trauma informed. And his narrative was very much like, oh, you poor crazy woman, you just excuse this. He even asked me a couple times like, so you were okay that your husband could go out and get his jollies and then just come back home and you can move forward. And I am a professional who has spoken very candidly about infidelity and betrayal for eight years.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:05]:
I have got a very high level of understanding and ability to communicate. And yet still that felt so triggering to me. It was so disheartening for me to realize I have to educate this person about so many different things to avoid a judgment that is wholly untrue. I have to educate about trauma and the impact of trauma. I have to educate about why the person who is cheating isn't just on this little fun filled holiday cheating and getting their jollies. That's not what this is about. You are buying into that cultural narrative that cheating is about fun, passion, sex, romance, and that it feels good and is something again, that we would all do. He even said to me at one point, so are you concerned about your boys? And I said, what do you mean, am I concerned about your boys? And he said, well, what you just taught them was, was that their dad cheated and he gets away with it so they can now cheat and that their spouses will probably stay and that they can get away with it.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:36]:
And again, it's like, back the truck up. It's not getting away with something. This is not having your hand on the cookie jar and stealing a cookie. This is not about getting by with something. And it took a lot. And we actually ended up recording a second follow up podcast where I could share more information, where I could talk about trauma and how so often. I mean, yes, there are some people out there that cheat out of pure lust and passion, a very small percentage, but that does happen. There are people who cheat because they want to leave the relationship and it's like a softer way out.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:24]:
There are so many different reasons why people cheat, but the vast majority of people cheat as a maladaptive coping mechanism. They cheat because they think it's gonna help. Just like overspending or gambling or drinking or anything like that. Just about just like any of those maladaptive coping mechanisms. And just like we know when we have retail therapy, it might be fun in the moment, but then we're like, oh God, that's not what I wanted. Or when we eat our whole pint of ice cream and eat our feelings. We might feel like this is helping me in the moment, but shortly thereafter, we're like, no, I hurt myself. I'm the one with a hangover or a sugar coma.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:09]:
I'm the one that has to pay off these credit cards. I have hurt myself. And most of the men and couples that I work with, again, the man is fully aware that I have hurt myself in cheating and that yes, while I thought it was going to help in the moment, ultimately, this was not at all about getting my jollies. This was not at all about having my cake and eating it too. This was not at all all about how fun this was. So that's the story that I wanted to share and why I really wanted to talk about. Whoa. That podcast hosts assumptions.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:54]:
That podcast hosts hooking into the cultural narrative hit me viscerally. It was like my insides dropped. And it was like, oh, somebody else who doesn't get it, you know, somebody else who isn't listening or is really interested in the story. Somebody else who I have to educate. That framing, his framing was so wrong. And I know that, like me, you probably experience that a lot too. Whether it's talking to a co worker or your boss or friends or family who all of a sudden leap in with, well, maybe you just should have had more sex with them and you want to bang your head. Because that's not it.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:48]:
That's not it at all. And what I want to do is first validate that you and I are warriors of light, so to speak. You're listening to this because you get it. I am speaking the truth because I want you to get it. You deserve to get it. And because I know you are going to be confronted with so many of the things that I've been confronted with too. And it's not always fun to have to go reframe this for people. But the more that you hear me talk, the more that you are able to talk, the more that lands, that level of understanding and clarity lands in your body, the more that you can tune out that noise and connect to truth, to what is true for you and your marriage or your relationship, the easier it will be to stand in the light of your truth, to know what to do and to be who you are.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:55]:
Because I know this for sure. Affairs are not about sex. Affairs are not about getting your jollies. That framing trivializes trauma, that framing victimizes you. That framing diminishes our partners who cheat. Most of the men, again, that I've worked with weren't excited they were ashamed, they were dissociated. That's a big one. They were coping.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:32]:
They didn't know how to stop, and they didn't know what was wrong with them, but they deeply knew that something was wrong with them. And I also want to say this to you. Oftentimes staying is the harder path. Oftentimes staying is the harder path because not only are you doing your own healing, but you're walking alongside of your partner who is also doing their own healing. And sometimes, as you know from being in any relationship, sometimes you have greater needs and sometimes the other person has greater needs. And when you're both completely needy, it's really hard. You know, it's that whole. You don't just each give 50%, you give 100% of what you have.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:23]:
And sometimes 100% of what you have is only 10%. And sometimes 100% of what the other part your partner has is 10%. And then it's really hard. So, yeah, sometimes staying is harder because you're not only managing yourself, you are co regulating your partner, they are co regulating you. And you're creating an entirely new marriage. So I want to be clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of if you decide to stay for the short term or the long term. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you can't quite decide. And I want to be very clear that I did not teach my boys that cheating is okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:06]:
And you are not teaching your children that cheating is okay either. I am teaching my kids what accountability looks like. I am teaching them what repair looks like. I am teaching them what deep personal work actually looks like. And so are you. You were teaching them to stick with something and to know when to leave. You are teaching them to honor yourself and to honor others and to find that balance in a way that is healthy for you. Now, if you were listening to this and you were thinking, yes, oh my gosh, yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:58]:
This is the noise that I'm drowning in. And it's making me absolutely crazy because sometimes I think I know what I'm going to do and I think I know what I'm going to want. And then somebody says something and bam. I'm questioning myself all over again. I'm suddenly having regrets and I don't get it. That is why I created the Betrayal Lifeline. It's confidential, asynchronous, real time coaching via the Voxer app so you can get grounded guidance in the moment, not three weeks later, not whenever your next session is, not after your spiral has hit and you've collapsed and you've yelled at your partner and you've had a really bad moment and you've made things worse. But in the moment when the spiral is happening so we can pull you out recenter reframe whatever is going on in a way that it is most healthy and supportive and clear to you, it's not therapy, it's clarity.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:08]:
It's discernment. It's nervous system regulation. It is trauma aware guidance when and where life is actually happening. I can't tell you how often my clients who are doing this coaching reach out. You can either do a voice memo or you can send a text or an email and just dump all of this stuff. They get the advice and they prevent that downfall. We all know what that roller coaster is like. Betrayal Lifeline helps prevent those crashes and those downhill slides.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:54]:
Go to betrayal lifeline.com you can sign up instantaneously. We can start talking right now. We can get the relationship started. So when you have your next spiral, we're already set. So when you have your next meeting with your sister or your mom or your therapist or your partner, we're already set. And you can bounce things off of me right now in the moment. And of course if you want to put things off, just remember Betrayal Lifeline so as you start going downhill, you can sign up then. Betrayal lifeline.com There is nothing about that that you will ever regret.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:41]:
And there is everything about that that is going to help you find that clarity so you can keep moving forward and so you can finally heal. Now the next thing that I want to talk about is the betrayal of therapy. The betrayal of therapy in the marriage industry. And again, I am a big fan of quality therapy. It is necessary if you need medication, if you need support. There are so many great reasons to go to a therapist. But just like you wouldn't go to a surgeon if you did not want surgery, be aware of who you are hiring. There are some organizations out there, there are some therapists out there that are pro marriage and they are going to help you stay married at all costs because their goal is to help your marriage stay intact.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:50]:
And I want to tread lightly here because nuance does matter. I am not anti marriage. I am not anti therapy, but I am anti misplaced therapy or I am anti therapy with an agenda. There are again places that will force forgiveness. There are places that will tell you to pray it away. There are places out there that will force you into premature repair. Let's work on communication. While trauma is left untreated or Blaming the betrayed partner for not doing their part, for not moving on fast enough, for not really forgiving, for not giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:40]:
And the thing is, why I'm coming back to this is you can't repair a relationship when only one person can see clearly the other person is still minimizing or dissociating or defending. It is not healing to say, I'm really sorry, I'm not going to do it again. The person who cheats needs to not minimize your pain. They need to have empathy, really get it, not just, let's have an empathy class and train you to say, oh my gosh, how does that make you feel? I'm so sorry. And to put on a boo boo face. Like, they need to get it. And then they need to understand their pain and they need to understand what caused their pain and they need to understand what their coping mechanisms are and they need to deal with their shame and they need to deal with their guilt and they need to do that fearless moral inventory. And they need some deep work.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:37]:
And deep work is long term deep work. Which is why when I said earlier, sometimes staying is harder because you're both committing to doing so much. So again, the betrayal in the coaching and therapy space is so much that we can fix your marriage. You know, feel better in, you can feel better in a certain amount of time. I believe you can feel better. But you can't force somebody to come to the party who's not ready to come to the party. You can't force somebody to deal with their trauma either when they're not ready to deal with their trauma. Because when I say not ready to deal with your trauma sometimes that it implies that I'm going to be stubborn.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:32]:
And yeah, there's that Some people are like, I am just not going to change, not going there, it's not worth it. But also when there is significant trauma and there's layers there, when you rip off a coping mechanism, it's like ripping off the band aid before the wound is healed. And you can create more psychological stress and damage by forcing somebody to acknowledge things that they're not ready to see. You can create more damage by trying to force somebody to see things that they aren't ready to see. And I don't, I don't want it to sound like, oh, you're not ready, move faster. So many of us, I'll speak for me, but it's my guess that you can relate to this too. When you look back over your relationship, can you see clues that were There oftentimes people will say, you know what? I thought something was there, but I just. I just moved on.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:45]:
I just dismissed it because it didn't make sense. And I can think about times like that, too. I've spoken about that on the show. At one point, I. I found a box of condoms, and my husband explained it away in a really pathetic way that made no sense. And there's a part of me that I swear knew that, but I wasn't ready to deal with it. We weren't in a place to deal with it. The kids weren't at an age that it could be dealt with.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:17]:
I wasn't strong enough inside to deal with it. And that's not shame on Lora. That's not shame on you. If you had that. When we're not psychologically strong enough to deal with something, we protect ourselves from that knowledge. I remember when my grandfather was dying, my mom, his daughter, couldn't see it. Like, she couldn't see it. He had cancer.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:47]:
He was in hospice. And we all knew it was coming. And she's like, I think he's looking better. And we're like, are you crazy? And it's just that her mind wasn't ready to deal with that. She wasn't able to deal with it in that moment. It would have pushed her over the edge. That's a real thing, pushing people over the edge to have to deal with that at that time. So there's no shame in not being ready.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:17]:
And sometimes therapy or coaching anything can push people to do something that they're not ready to do. And then when it's like marriage, if. If a marriage therapist is pushing the betrayer to admit to come to terms with things, to do this work, what happens is the betrayer ends up faking it because nobody wants to disappoint. So they fake it. Oh, yes, I feel the empathy. Oh, yes, I'm so sad. Oh, yes, I'm never going to do it again. I think it was this.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:51]:
And here are all the reasons, and really they're superficial reasons. When our first therapist was pushing for us to figure this out because we had gone to marriage therapy saying, hey, help our marriage, he was pushing Sean to admit to state his reasons why. And at one point, there were 11 encounters between Shawn and other women. So what we did is he said, all right, give me your reason why for each encounter. Well, they were all very superficial reasons. And again, the non trauma informed therapist did not know how to delicately and gracefully see what was underneath. He was like, oh, well, Lora, it was Your, your dancing that caused this. And then it was your attention to the kids that caused this.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:48]:
And then it was the way that you ignored Shawn that caused this. And I was suddenly being blamed for these 11 points of contact, which again then re traumatizes me and creates more noise in my head. And then Sean is getting validated for BSing, for making it up. And that is not healing. And I shudder to think about what could have happened had we gone down that path because it would have filled me with resentment, it would have crumbled my self esteem, and it would have validated Shawn in narcissistic tendencies and behaviors and grandiose thought patterns. Instead, we fortunately pulled back, did some different coaching with people who were adept with trauma. He found a really good trauma therapist and then they could start getting to the root cause. And then after that we started building communication, all the stuff that you think about in a traditional marriage therapy setting.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:02]:
So you can't repair a relationship until both people are very clear, until nobody is defending or minimizing or dissociating. You can't repair a relationship until you are a fully integrated person dealing with another person who is also fully integrated or is on the journey to becoming fully integrated. So here's a question that I want you to use whenever you're working with anybody, whether it's a therapist or a coach or a friend or family member, after support, after that conversation, do you feel calmer? Do you feel clearer? Or do you feel more confused and more filled with self doubt? How do you feel after your sessions? Do you feel calmer and more clear or do you feel totally confused and filled with self doubt? That is a really good question to ask yourself. Because if you are paying a lot of money for sessions and you're walking away feeling more and more confused and doubting yourself more and more, then chances are that is not the person for you. You want to be in a situation where you feel empowered, you feel calm, you feel more centered, and you are more clear because discernment matters. Therapy isn't the problem itself. Uninformed or misaligned therapy is. So ask, are you pro marriage? Are you pro divorce? Are you trauma informed? What is your goal with this? And what are the tools that you have and can use to support me? When therapy is trauma aware, paced, correctly, chosen intentionally, it can be incredibly supportive, especially when.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:21]:
So you're not carrying this alone when both of you are doing some deep work. So I've already talked to you about, of course, come see me, come use Betrayal Lifeline. But I Also want to be clear, if therapy feels like a supportive layer for you, because healing is layered, I really do recommend better help. What I love about better help is it's on demand. It's virtual. So again, you can squeeze in a session over your lunch, your partner can see somebody, you can see somebody together. But what I also love about it is on their intake, you ask all of these questions, you say exactly what you are looking for. I want someone who is trauma aware.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:09]:
I want someone who will support me in. Maybe I'll stay, maybe I'll go, maybe I'm going to spend a year deciding. And if you don't like your person, you can easily swap, and that is huge. And again, it's easier on the nervous system because when you're in shock and you're in trauma and you see a quote, and I'm not denying that they are experts, it's just that sometimes people aren't good fits for us and then it doesn't work. It's hard for us to say, oh my gosh, I don't think this is a good fit because we internalize it and we think something is wrong with us. And sometimes when it's online, it's a little bit easier to type in. This therapist wasn't a good fit. I would like somebody who it's easier.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:57]:
And the point is, do what's easy. Right now, you're in shock, you're in trauma. Do what is easy. Better still about better help. When you use my code, you get 10% off your first month, not just your first session, your first month. So betterhelp.com and then it's the forward slash. Flaunt F L A U N T betterhelp.com Flaunt I'm going to put the links in the show notes. You can find it that way.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:35]:
It's also listed on my podcast page, 10% off. So if that's what you think would be the next good layer, either for your partner or for you, that is where I recommend that you start. And again, it's important to talk about the distinctions here. Therapy is support for the trauma, for the past, for the nervous system. Coaching is about clarity. It's about integration. It's about taking those things that you learn in therapy and applying it in your life and then taking calculated steps forward so you can move into the life and, and the relationship that you want. Okay, there is so much in this show, but I do want to keep moving because it's real and talking about how to identify when something is harmful because I gave you that question earlier about asking how you feel at the end of a session.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:40]:
But in service of not being gaslit, either by the internal voice, by the ext, or by the external world, I want to give you some tools that will help you spot red flags. The first tool, the first red flag is if you're being rushed, if you're being rushed for anything, if you're being rushed to forgive, if you're being rushed to repair, if you're being rushed to move back in together, if, or if you're being rushed to divorce, if you're being rushed to make a decision, if you are being rushed into anything, that is a huge red flag. You have just been through a major shock. You need support right now. You do not need to be rushed. People can show you directions, people can ask you questions, but if anybody rushes you, it's time to decide. That's a problem. Somebody can give you one of the things that I like doing.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:46]:
Like in my six month Rise and rain program, I say, this is a container. And at the end of this six months, what I want for you is to have clarity about what you're doing. By the end of six months, you can see, yes, my partner is stepping up to the plate, or no, my partner is not. By the end of six months, you can say, you know what, I'm really feeling the love on this relationship and I'm feeling hopeful, or you can say, you know what, there's so many red flags along the way, and I'm seeing this as really the final straw. I'm seeing this as I gotta leave. So I am giving you six months to be not totally clear, but to be much more clear about which direction you intend on going. But I would never, ever say to somebody, by the end of our six months together, you will decide because you may or you may not. So that's the first red flag, is you're being rushed towards making any kind of decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:59]:
The second red flag is when your decisions or your reactions are minimized. Oh, don't be so dramatic. Oh, we'll think about this too. Oh, that's not that big of a deal. It might be quote over dramatic that you can't stop crying. But guess what? That's your reality. That's your reality. Don't let anybody minimize that for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:23]:
Don't let anybody tell you what you're feeling is right or wrong. Hysterical bonding is a thing. Disgust is a thing. Whatever it is that you're feeling, you're feeling it. And don't let anyone minimize Your reactions, because they are your reactions. And I think the number three big red flag is if somebody frames staying a weakness or staying as, oh, you poor thing. If somebody is framing your decision as any sort of a judgment, that's just wrong. Not only is that just wrong, but that's damaging because it tells you the lens that they are seeing your situation through.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:17]:
And it's their lens, not yours. Whoever you work with should be able to absolutely see your point of view. And whether they agree with it or disagree with it, it's none of your business. You should not know. They should be able to support you and let you know. You know what? Staying is not a weakness. Leaving is not a weakness. Being you, being true to you, Calming that noise, that internal noise, the societal, cultural, external noise.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:49]:
That's what we need to do. Working with someone should feel good and should feel helpful. It should not feel stressful. So if you're nodding right now, if you're like, oh my God, yes, I so feel this again. This is where having something like Betrayal Lifeline is so helpful. It gives you a trained guide who understands trauma, who understands power dynamics, who understands the fact that sometimes you do have to wait for kids to reach a certain milestone, finances to be in a certain place, yourself, your family to be healed or shifted or changed in some way. Someone who can help bring clarity, not just relationship skills, because a fair recovery, not about relationship skills. So again, final time that I'm going to mention this.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:55]:
If you need or want that in the moment clarity to calm the noise, use Betrayal Lifeline. Use Betrayal LifeLine. Betrayal LifeLine.com 247 support when you need it most. Of course, there's other ways to work with me. The full rise and rain. Six month session. Perfect bueno. But start where you're at.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:23]:
Choose what you need. Don't let me decide for you. Don't let a therapist decide for you. Don't rush into therapy. Don't let anybody decide for you. Calm that noise. Quiet your heart, quiet your spirit, Reconnect to your internal knowingness and use people that will honor that and will help you find that peace, find that calm, find that connection within you. If you've been living in the noise, it makes sense that you're exhausted.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:05]:
If you've been living in the noise, it makes sense that you're confused. You're not weak. You're not confused because you're failing. You're confused because too many cooks in the kitchen on this one, too many people have been talking at you, spewing their thoughts and opinions instead of helping you get quiet and see again. I can't say it enough. Healing begins with clarity. Healing begins with silence. Clarity begins when the noise stops.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:42]:
Clarity begins in silence. Sit with that. Literally sit with that silence. Just like the snow globe where the snow settles. Imagine, visualize, or pretend that all of that noise, both internal and external, is settling and find the stillness and the peace. Be sure to reach out, connect, share, and as usual, have an amazing week. And always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.