Feeling Like “It’s Not Fair” After Betrayal? Let Go of Blame, Choose Peace & Reclaim Your Power –A coaching session with Jane

Narrator [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.federal.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
It's just not fair. If he hadn't have done this, I wouldn't be here right now and I wouldn't be having to deal with all of these things that I don't want to deal with. If that's something that has ever crossed your mind, or if that is something that's keeping you stuck, then you are definitely going to want to listen to this show. This show is a recorded coaching session between me and Jane, who has been stuck, stuck holding a grudge, who has been stuck blaming him, who has been stuck with the belief that this is not fair. In this session, we are going to take a deep dive into how to begin the process of releasing that belief, that blame, that feeling that this is just not fair in service of calling back our power, making choices for ourselves, and living life in a way that feels better for us. And if you are interested in having your own session, do not hesitate to reach out. My introductory sessions are only $97. So for $97 you and I can get together on Zoom on the phone just like this and we can unpack what's going on for you so you can get the accountability, get the wisdom, get the support that you need to final on.

Jane [00:02:07]:
For more information, go to introductory session.com. it'll take you right to my scheduling page and you can book your 60 minute introductory session for only $97 right there. So don't wait. Enjoy the show. I am glad you're here. So, Jane, thank you so much for being here today. I really appreciate it.

Jane [00:02:32]:
Thanks for having me.

Jane [00:02:34]:
I'd like to start by sharing a little bit about your story as much as you feel comfortable sharing.

Narrator [00:02:43]:
Okay. I was married for 20 years. My husband, he had an affair within our first year of marriage. I was actually pregnant with our first child while he was having an affair. And for whatever reason, I still don't know, I chose to forgive him and stay. Then 20 years later, I find out about another, the second one. So. And then this time I didn't stay.

Narrator [00:03:13]:
I told him, get your stuff, it's time to Go. So that. So that's the main story. Obviously, there's a lot more in the middle there, but.

Jane [00:03:24]:
Yeah, no, that's perfect. Let's say a little bit more about what it meant to you to forgive and stay.

Narrator [00:03:34]:
Yeah. Honestly, I wish I could remember. I think that's actually part of a problem that I have. I don't remember why. I think I blocked. Blocked it out. And I don't even know that looking back. Maybe I never did forgive him.

Narrator [00:03:48]:
I don't know why I stayed. My daughter, she was a baby, so I think I was in that kind of mode because I don't really remember why I chose to stay. I was also really young, but also independent. Like, I had no reason I could have left, so I don't know why I chose to stay.

Jane [00:04:08]:
Yeah, you know, I think that's really common because it's such a shock. It's not what it should be. And I know when I look back on some of the information that I was given, I think it's a similar story. It's like, I don't really even know what I'm thinking, and I don't know what to do with this information. I just have to carry on.

Narrator [00:04:29]:
Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. Yeah. I was like, either leave or don't, and then stick with your decision, I guess.

Jane [00:04:39]:
And you legitimately, you were building a family. You were young. This was new. You're pregnant. It's. It's kind of like you're leaning into the thing that you're supposed to be doing in this little disruption. Let's get over this disruption. Yeah, it.

Jane [00:04:54]:
It makes sense. You had said something about maybe I never really forgave him. Did you do work? Did you do counseling? Were you just too busy?

Narrator [00:05:06]:
What.

Jane [00:05:06]:
What happened after that?

Narrator [00:05:09]:
We tried to go to counseling a couple times. I actually. I guess I should clarify. I didn't find out about the affair until after the baby was. Our daughter was born. Born. So I found out. We did therapy a little bit, but again, I.

Narrator [00:05:24]:
I don't know. I blocked it. I think I just blocked it all out because I don't remember. We. We went to a few therapy sessions, and then that was about it. And that's all I remember about the first one.

Jane [00:05:36]:
You are totally normal in not remembering it. And I'm really glad that you said that because that's one of the things that sometimes I hear from people that are like, I'm so ashamed. I don't know what I was thinking. And it's like, no, this is normal. That Is normal behavior. When somebody's been traumatized, that is normal behavior. When we can't make a piece of information fit, we just kick out that piece of information, block it out, and we move on. How was your marriage, for the most part, knowing that marriages are normally up and down, good and bad?

Narrator [00:06:09]:
It's so hard to ask me that now because I have a completely horrible perception of it now. Yeah, but before this happened, I. I thought it was just normal. Nothing great, nothing horrible. Everything. Yeah, just normal. But finding all this stuff out and, and going through therapy and reading and doing all the things and figuring out who he is, I'm like, oh, gosh, my whole marriage was a fraud. I look at it different now, but at the time, going through it, I was a stay at home mom, worked off and on jobs, kids were happ.

Narrator [00:06:46]:
Everybody's happy, financially stable, you know, all the stuff. But now it's like, God, it was so much different. So. Yeah.

Jane [00:06:59]:
Isn't that crazy? You know, isn't that crazy to all of a sudden see things as they are, not as you thought that they were?

Narrator [00:07:07]:
A lot of it is also the unknown because I look at things as if you were able to do this so well for so long. What else did you do? You had to have been doing because you hid this and were so good at it. So I know if you had one here and one here, these were just the ones we found out about. So you just feel like everything's a fraud.

Jane [00:07:35]:
Yeah, it's. In a way, it's irrelevant if it was only those two or if it were 102. When the trust is gone, the trust is gone.

Narrator [00:07:45]:
Right.

Jane [00:07:46]:
So how did things unravel the second time?

Narrator [00:07:51]:
Well, he. He came to me. We had a lot of other family stuff going on. I had a family member with cancer. We. We had to put pets down. Like there was a lot of other things going on. And he came to me and told me that he had been going to therapy because he wanted to be a better person.

Narrator [00:08:09]:
And I thought that was weird, but I was like, okay, whatever, I'm here for you, whatever. And then later he's like, well, I have to tell you. And he had been having an affair with an employee. And that employee was. She started coming to our house and stuff. She started following our kids. So it got too close. He had to come forward because she was too close.

Narrator [00:08:37]:
And so that's why, you know, in his mind, he came clean. But it was, you know, she was about to, so he had to. Right. So. So that's how that one came.

Jane [00:08:50]:
Came to, and you said, you gotta.

Narrator [00:08:55]:
Go right away, right away. He also told me through a text. So he went to work one day and then never came home.

Jane [00:09:04]:
Good, good. What did that do to you, though?

Narrator [00:09:08]:
What.

Jane [00:09:08]:
What was your nervous system like during that?

Narrator [00:09:13]:
So angry. Just so. So, so I still am. I can't get out of my angry face. But mostly I was already at a point where his only responsibility was to work. I had two teenagers. I also worked. I.

Narrator [00:09:35]:
I did everything. Like, all he had to do was go to work and not sleep with other people. Like, those were my standards. And so I was just like, you know, you have it made. Like, there's. I. So I think it was just angry. Ain't just furious.

Narrator [00:09:55]:
Curious. What else could you possibly need? What is so hard in your life? And that's where I'm holding.

Jane [00:10:07]:
How long has it been since he, quote, came clean?

Narrator [00:10:11]:
It will be two years December 1st.

Jane [00:10:15]:
And you're still angry? Yeah, I am sure we unpack some of that anger.

Narrator [00:10:22]:
I would love to. And I do want to be able to move on. And he still. He moved out of state, actually, which helped tremendously. But he still, you know, oh, let's work it out. All the things. And I. But I ha.

Narrator [00:10:39]:
I think I have the hardest time with giving him.

Jane [00:10:44]:
The.

Narrator [00:10:45]:
The out. So, like, I. I never, like, said that I wasn't gonna work it out. I was like, you have your own issues. Like, after realizing it's like you're a narcissist, you have all these issues. So I'm like, you need to figure out your own stuff. But I just feel like I know that once I tell him, you're good, just leave me alone, he can then tell all of his. You know, I did everything I could.

Narrator [00:11:13]:
I really tried. I. And I can't get past that. And I know it's just my stubbornness and my. But I just don't think it's fair. And that's so hard. I don't know why I have a hard time with it, because I know once I tell him and I get that closure, I'll feel better and I won't be as angry. But it's like, things that keep happening.

Narrator [00:11:36]:
I'm like, that's his fault too. That's his fault too. Like, everything. What. That one action affects so many people and so many things. Where we live, our kids lives, who they marry, who they're with, what their relationships, it just trickles. And not to mention the person he was having an affair with, it affected her Life, these actions have consequences. And forever.

Narrator [00:12:04]:
Forever. Yes. I mean, there's no ending. No. So I would love to not be angry, not just with him. I have now turned it towards all men. Like, that part's hard. I mean, not hard.

Narrator [00:12:21]:
I don't really care, but it's just kind of like, are any of them good? I don't know.

Jane [00:12:28]:
Yeah, because that's. That's protective. If you have the belief that none of them are good, then I'm not going to let anybody in and I'm not going to get hurt.

Narrator [00:12:37]:
Right.

Jane [00:12:38]:
So it makes sense. But you're right. I just. That simple phrase that you said, actions have consequences. They really do. And again, that hatred, that anger, that whatever it is, that bitterness, that being a little bit jaded. You're right. You know, that can impact when your kids meet partners.

Jane [00:13:04]:
You know, the suspicion can be there and friendships for you. And it's got a lot of fingers, a lot of different layers.

Narrator [00:13:14]:
Definitely. Definitely. I think for me, one of the hardest things is still even knowing all this stuff and doing the research when you don't understand how somebody can. It's hard to comprehend. And I feel like I. It's like, how can he still say these things and do these things? Because it just doesn't make sense. And if something doesn't make sense, it's hard to comprehend. And so it's like my.

Narrator [00:13:45]:
I know his thought process and why he says the things he says, but it's like, why do you keep trying? Why do you keep doing this? Like, why? So trying to understand it is. It makes me mad, too, I guess. I don't know. I guess it goes back to if he's able to do these things, if he's able to lie. Because while he's lying about wanting to be with me, I know he's already, like, having girlfriends. He, you know, but he's still reaching out to me. But I already know people, multiple people, multiple things. And so having that knowledge, but he doesn't know that I have that knowledge, so he's still trying.

Narrator [00:14:28]:
And I'm like, it's crazy. So it's. I just have to, like, let him go.

Jane [00:14:35]:
Is there a part of you that wishes it were true and that wishes he really does want to be back together with you and that he could be healed and it could be this happy story?

Narrator [00:14:48]:
I don't think so. I really don't. I think it's more of me being scared to be alone, maybe, versus, like, giving up. Your whole identity changes when you're married and so I'm having to figure out my identity again. Before all of our court documents were in place, I was worried about finances because I'm financially dependent on him. So I was very careful with what I said and what I did because I didn't want him to stop paying.

Jane [00:15:21]:
So is the fear and the anger partially because you can't express exactly what you want to express?

Narrator [00:15:32]:
Yes. Yes.

Jane [00:15:34]:
Okay. Because that.

Narrator [00:15:36]:
That makes sense. Yeah.

Jane [00:15:38]:
Because you see him for who he is, and it would feel really good to let him know I know this dude.

Narrator [00:15:48]:
Yeah. That well. And I know that if I tell him that he won't admit it. And so it's like, I know it and. Yeah. But he will never admit those things. He's admitted to doing wrong. He's admitted that he's in therapy again and that he has things to work on, but he will never see the extent of how bad it is, how far it is.

Jane [00:16:19]:
Is it that he will never see it or that he will never let you know that he sees it?

Narrator [00:16:28]:
I think it's him actually seeing it. I actually think he is that narcissistic. I really do. That he doesn't, like, see it that way at all. Like, his perception of things. He'll send me memories or, you know, his perception is completely different than mine. So I. No, I don't think he can see it himself.

Jane [00:16:56]:
So how is him not seeing it impacting you?

Narrator [00:17:03]:
It adds to the frustration.

Jane [00:17:09]:
But does it really need to?

Narrator [00:17:14]:
That's where I'm working on it.

Jane [00:17:17]:
Yes.

Narrator [00:17:20]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:17:22]:
So what are you getting by remaining stuck?

Narrator [00:17:28]:
Just mad. Yeah. Nothing. I know. I do recognize it.

Jane [00:17:37]:
But where is that anger and that madness helping you? Because if you weren't feeling angry and if you weren't feeling mad, would you truly be in this place of, oh, my life is perfect, or would it cycle you and drop you into kind of depression?

Narrator [00:17:55]:
Like. Oh, I feel like both. I feel like. Because there's been so much that I haven't had time to even. It's like dealing with little situations as they come, whether it's with him and lawyers and situations or family and illnesses. My jobs, kids, house. We. I say we because I feel like it's all women.

Narrator [00:18:24]:
We don't get to take care of ourselves ever. And I've all the therapy and done the things, and it helps, but it's like, you need a vacation for a long time, but we don't have time. Life doesn't stop. And it. When things are bad, it's like multiple things happen that are. I don't know why. It just does. So I feel like I would probably go into maybe oppression a little bit and.

Narrator [00:18:56]:
And then, like, clarity, and maybe that's what I'm afraid of. Without being mad.

Jane [00:19:02]:
That would happen because so often our anger keeps us fueled. And like, you're talking about how much you have to do and. Oh, my gosh, I hear that. I validate that. There's times where even somebody saying, take care of yourself ticks me off because it's like, you don't think I would if I could.

Narrator [00:19:22]:
I can.

Jane [00:19:24]:
There's legitimately way too much going on and like that. People sick, people dying, people being needy like animals. I. I hear you. And sometimes when we can just recognize this anger is fueling me and it's keeping me going forward because if I were to slide into depression right now, I couldn't show up the way I honestly need to show up.

Narrator [00:19:51]:
Right. Yeah, definitely. True.

Jane [00:19:55]:
And sometimes either writing that out on an index card to remind you or putting it on a screensaver to remind you when you feel that anger, to think that anger, to be appreciative for that anger. Awesome. You're showing up again. Really glad that you're keeping me in the game, because otherwise I wouldn't be in the game. And I appreciate being here right now, as hard as it is. I appreciate being present for last years of somebody's life, you know, ability to stand by them during treatment, to support my kids, whatever it is. Having some. And it sounds so weird, but having some gratitude for that anger.

Narrator [00:20:42]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:20:42]:
Sometimes tones the intensity of that anger down.

Narrator [00:20:46]:
That makes sense. Yeah. It's the emotion keeping me away, going every morning.

Jane [00:20:54]:
What about the levels of anger towards yourself?

Narrator [00:21:01]:
I mostly get. I wouldn't say angry, but I just have so much resentment and. And regrets because of looking back at how our marriage was and what we displayed for the kids. And now they're older. They're almost 18 and 20. Almost. So it's too late. Like, they've watched it happen and.

Narrator [00:21:27]:
And nothing bad happened. They didn't. And. Well, until this. But they didn't see a bad marriage. Except I, like I said, I did everything. So they saw this family role of dad goes to work. Mom also goes to work, but she does everything.

Narrator [00:21:46]:
And I hate so much that I did that. And so I have it on myself. I still blame him because I can, but I mean, because it is. I mean, he could have. It's not my job to tell him how to be a good husband, so. So that's that. I. I don't really have regrets for staying just the first time just because it is what it is.

Narrator [00:22:11]:
And that's how I have really come to. I'm not like religious or anything, but I came to think timing is just everything. I don't know have happened when they did or why they did, but for some reason it just needed to happen that way. But mostly my anger towards myself is not being financially stable for myself, independent, not. And showing my kids a bad example. So those are my two biggest things that I take responsibility for and have to deal with.

Jane [00:22:53]:
Yeah. Okay, so let's take the showing the kids a bad example one again. Yeah. And I think just about every generation can say that too. That we all think we're doing the right things for the right reason. And then one day we go, oh.

Narrator [00:23:14]:
Yeah, yeah. It's I, I. We never fought or anything either. We. They had no idea like anything bad would ever have different for sure.

Jane [00:23:30]:
So what are you doing to rectify that today?

Narrator [00:23:34]:
I feel like there's not like a whole lot I can do because I can't go back and do it again. And they are older. I do believe that kids, by this time, they've already seen it. So the only thing I can do is talk about it. They are in relationships and so. But they're also like teenagers, so they don't listen. Nobody wants to listen to their parent. I don't know what to do to make them or except talk about it.

Narrator [00:24:07]:
And I do tell them, like, I have regrets and I wish I had done this different. But they're like, oh, mom, you're turning. Turning into a feminist. So it's like, I just like, for my daughter, I'm like, go to school. Be financially independent. Do not ever rely on somebody like that. Not that a marriage might not work, but you just need to be financially independent for yourself. Yeah.

Narrator [00:24:38]:
And then for my son, I mostly talk about gender roles in the house and that this is not my job just because I'm your mom or a girl. These are your jobs too. You do your stuff. We all live in this house. We all clean up after. So those are the only you to like, kind of change that. But there's again, it's just talking at this point. And we know that teenagers don't listen.

Jane [00:25:08]:
So humans love story storytelling around the fire, writing stories. We read stories, we watch stories. We humans crave stories. And we learn from stories. I would be curious what kind of a story you could create using kind of your lineage instead of lecturing. Here's what I didn't know to be true at the time. Here's what grandma didn't know what at the time. Here's what great aunt so and so didn't know at the time.

Jane [00:25:46]:
And instead of just lecturing it, creating the story about it.

Narrator [00:25:51]:
Yeah, yeah. It's something else that I'm working on for sure.

Jane [00:25:59]:
Because you're, you're right. Like, I didn't know emotional labor when I was a teenager. Nobody knew about emotional labor. And I thought growing up in the 80s that a strong woman did it all, that a strong woman fulfilled all of those gender stereotypical gender sexuals and she worked full time. Like nowhere in my schema was the story that somebody else should do that.

Narrator [00:26:29]:
Yeah. I think for me, I didn't go into the marriage thinking that. And I, when we had, when we had my daughter and everything happened, we moved and I stayed home. And so when I chose, when we decided for me to stay home, I think that's when I picked up even more of those roles. And then I, not. I never got out of it. And on top of, I think all of that was the lack of acknowledgment and appreciation of it. Yes.

Narrator [00:27:02]:
It wasn't only that I was doing everything. It's like nobody noticed it, nobody appreciated it. And I was all of a sudden his mom. Like, when, when did this happen? So. But I do still think I would have stayed. I still would have stayed if this happened. So it just, again, maybe it was timing. Maybe that was my way out.

Jane [00:27:31]:
Can you think of any questions that would have woken you up along the way, either from yourself or from somebody else?

Narrator [00:27:44]:
As far as him and the affair. No. He was very good and he still is being whoever he needs to be. Like, he can fit in those roles. So everybody loves him. Everybody. He made friends. Nobody.

Narrator [00:28:05]:
Everybody loves him. So as far as that goes. No, I wish somebody, I, and I don't even know how. How we get put in. I just wish somebody would have been like, why are you still doing that? Why do you do his laundry? Why are you doing this? Or why you doing that? But I, you feel like you don't have a choice. Like, are you going to get divorced because you're doing his laundry? No, you get stuck. And I wouldn't have listened to anyone anyway because feel. It's the, it, the.

Narrator [00:28:48]:
It's not that bad. Right. It's not that. I have a nice home, the kids are doing great. It's not that bad. I can live with this until something happens and you're like, okay, whoa. Yeah.

Jane [00:29:03]:
And that's that's so typical. That's so common. It's not that bad. And if I'm home, I might as well do it anyway.

Narrator [00:29:10]:
Yeah. Day. Because it's just not that bad. Could be worse.

Jane [00:29:16]:
When you think now of where you want to be in five years.

Narrator [00:29:25]:
And.

Jane [00:29:26]:
I'll give you a second to like really think about how that wants to feel in five years.

Narrator [00:29:33]:
It'S hard because I would love to just honestly just like write him off, but he is father of our kids, so I just don't want to have any feeling at all. And. But I like, no hatred, no anything, you know, and just. Yeah. I. Financially independent and. And I. I wish I didn't have to have contact with them.

Jane [00:30:05]:
Yeah. Before I take you into this next part, though, what are you doing to get financially independent at this point? What steps are you taking since then?

Narrator [00:30:15]:
I took. I took a higher role position full time.

Jane [00:30:20]:
Good.

Narrator [00:30:21]:
I'm in the most expensive state there is, so I do plan on moving out of state for that reason. I do plan on going back to school again. That costs money. This, that I took does cover and that was why I took it. But with, you know, everything changing the way it does. But education is definitely on my list and I just don't know where I'm going with it yet. So I don't know.

Jane [00:30:50]:
Right, right. But you have plans, you have, you have thoughts, you're taking action, right?

Narrator [00:30:57]:
Yes. Yeah.

Jane [00:31:00]:
And it kind of is realistic to write him off in a way because yes, your kids are getting older and yes, there will be events, but you also truly don't need to have any feelings around him. Positive, negative, anything like that. That is very realistic.

Narrator [00:31:21]:
I hope so. Right now it's a lot of negative. Yes.

Jane [00:31:26]:
Yes. Okay. What have you done to release that negative, if anything?

Narrator [00:31:33]:
I can't think of anything. Like, I don't know how.

Jane [00:31:38]:
First I want you to tune into your own body. Is that negative somewhere in your body or is it in your thoughts? And it could be both, but I. Sometimes it's like, oh, it's in my gut and I hate this. And.

Narrator [00:31:58]:
It'S pretty deep. I. I don't know. There's just. It's. Yeah, it's. I would say it's pretty deep. Yeah.

Jane [00:32:10]:
In your body.

Narrator [00:32:11]:
Yeah. I just, it just comes up a lot of times, especially with the kids, when things have to happen because of this, what happened, it's just all over again. It's like, this is all your fault. I hate you. Look what I'm going through. And again, they're with me 24 7, and he's in another state. So. Yeah, they're older, but they're going through their own stuff and.

Narrator [00:32:44]:
And still dealing with it. I mean, it doesn't matter how old you are. Going through this is hard. So anytime something happens that I have to deal with, and it was because of this, it's just. It's triggering every single time we try to sell the house. And when I'm trying to show it, I have to clean everything. I try to get the kids to help. Then they're upset, and it's not their fault.

Narrator [00:33:12]:
They shouldn't have to do anything and then still have to work. I still have to do. You know, I have to find all the arrangements. And again, it's all his fault. It just.

Jane [00:33:22]:
It's not fair.

Narrator [00:33:23]:
It's not fair.

Jane [00:33:26]:
Okay. I want you to think about a time like that. You're trying to show the house, the kids are involved. It's irritating. Everybody is stressed out and you're mad and the story comes in. It's your fault. This is hard. If it wasn't his fault, what would it be?

Narrator [00:33:54]:
I don't know. It is his fault. I don't know what you mean.

Jane [00:33:59]:
Yeah. Is it inconvenient? Is it sad because I'm letting this home go? If it truly wasn't his fault, what would it be?

Narrator [00:34:12]:
It's just stressful. It's. I'm not really sad to get rid of the house. It's all the work. It's. It's a lot of work. It's mentally draining, it's physically draining. It's putting it on the kids.

Narrator [00:34:26]:
It stresses them out. So there's nothing sad about it. It's just physically and mentally exhausting.

Jane [00:34:38]:
So when the words, the story comes into your head. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him and his choices. This is all your fault. Catch that and shift to what it really is. It is physically and mentally exhausting.

Narrator [00:35:02]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:35:03]:
Because if you can't change the cause, and you can't, you cannot change that cause. You have to deal with what is.

Narrator [00:35:15]:
So just the action. Yeah.

Jane [00:35:18]:
Because that's where your control is. You can't control this action that happened in the past. But what you can control is identifying. This is physically exhausting. This is emotionally exhausting. This is stressful, and this is disruptive.

Narrator [00:35:39]:
And then just leave it like that.

Jane [00:35:43]:
Then the next step. What can I do about my physical exhaustion? What can I do about this disruption? And sometimes the answer is nothing. Sometimes it's head down, barrel forward. But also sometimes it's like, okay, this is what I can do. I can let go of some of my ideas about what clean means. And people are going to look at a house that has got laundry on the bed waiting to be folded. Maybe it is having a conversation with the kids at dinner sometime that just acknowledges this is stressful, this is emotionally and physically exhausting. I hate the confrontation and the conflict that we have.

Jane [00:36:32]:
When I have to tell you, go take care of this, go clean it. What do you think we could do to not have this conflict and still get the house ready to be shown?

Narrator [00:36:45]:
And I do have those conversations. They're just hard because it goes back to they didn't want to move, they still don't want to move and it's not their fault.

Jane [00:36:57]:
Nope.

Narrator [00:36:58]:
So it makes it hard.

Jane [00:37:02]:
Because there's this fundamental belief that all humans have and you know, we talked about story earlier.

Narrator [00:37:09]:
It's.

Jane [00:37:09]:
It's part of our story that things should be fair and that if we do good and do right, that it'll be fair.

Narrator [00:37:21]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:37:21]:
And that's not true.

Narrator [00:37:24]:
Definitely not.

Jane [00:37:26]:
So then the question becomes, what can I do about that? What can. How can I create justice for myself? How can I create fairness? Because there's internal fairness and there's external fairness. And your husband and his narcissistic tendencies and his choices and, you know, the disruption of the move, like those are these extra external things that are creating a situation that is externally unfair, that there's not a lot you can do about now. So what can you do to create a sense of fairness inside?

Narrator [00:38:01]:
I don't know.

Jane [00:38:02]:
And I wish I could just give you an answer like, ding, this is it.

Narrator [00:38:05]:
That's it.

Jane [00:38:06]:
It's going to take care of everything, all the time, every single time.

Narrator [00:38:09]:
And it's not that easy.

Jane [00:38:11]:
And I also don't want to, you know, give more platitudes like just go take a bubble bath and more self care, because that's not it either. But there are ways in the moment. How can I re regulate my nervous system a little bit right now? Because it's not fair that I've worked all day. It's not fair that I've done all of this. It's not fair that I can't just sit down and scroll on my phone or binge watch Netflix or like, oh, it's not fair. But what can I do just to bring myself a tiny bit more regulation?

Narrator [00:38:44]:
Yeah, I, yeah, I do try to listen to different podcasts and read a lot More than I've ever read before. And a lot about, you know, mind control and controlling your thoughts and trying to think more positive and different things and. And being, you know, there are. I do have a lot to be grateful for. I do. And I get that. Like we're still in the house. Like, I.

Narrator [00:39:10]:
I'm not homeless.

Jane [00:39:11]:
Right.

Narrator [00:39:11]:
Are things I. I am definitely appreciative of or grateful for. So I. I do try to do that. It's just in those moments and like I said before, it's never just one thing. It's no, it's all of it at once. It's like, well, they want to see the house and they want to see it this afternoon and sick and this has to be done. And so it's never just like, oh, this worked out nice.

Narrator [00:39:44]:
Like they're just gonna come in a two weeks and I'll have time to clean and. Right. A little trip together. It's never like that. So. No. I do try to do those things to help with my own thoughts, but in the moment, it makes it hard. Yeah.

Jane [00:40:02]:
How often do you say no to see.

Narrator [00:40:05]:
Showing the house? Yeah.

Jane [00:40:07]:
Just different things like that. You know what? Sit with it. Feel. This is becoming stressful. This is becoming exhausting. No, 4 o' clock doesn't work. I can be ready by 6.

Narrator [00:40:18]:
I have done that a couple times. I only said no to one showing. But it's a lot of times too. It's things with. With the kids. It's hard to say no now. And it's like I'm torn with. They're going through their own things.

Narrator [00:40:38]:
They. A lot of. It's like I need my piece to be able to go to bed, but they. They're out friends at night and they're older, but I need to be in bed at night. But I sleep. If they're out, they're out driving around. And so sometimes I'm like, no, you need to be home by this time. I can't sleep if you're not home.

Narrator [00:40:58]:
And. But other times it's hard. It's. Again, it's not their fault and they need their teenagers and they want to be with their friends or whatever. So every now and then I say no.

Jane [00:41:11]:
Good.

Narrator [00:41:12]:
Usually the stuff that I should be saying yes to, like friends reaching out, and I'm like, no, I'm tired and that's the stuff that I should be going to and doing. But I say no to that stuff.

Jane [00:41:27]:
Yeah.

Narrator [00:41:29]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:41:30]:
Because that is one of those things. I'm glad you recognize that. Finding the real Getting away from blame, because blame never helped anything. Does blame help? No. Has blame ever helped? No. Then why am I blaming? And just having that pattern. Does blame help? No. Why am I blaming? What is really going on? Uncovering that layer to give yourself your power back.

Jane [00:41:58]:
The problem is teenagers are hard. The problem is our schedules don't sync up. The problem is I, as their mom, can't sleep when they're out all the time. The problem is like naming the problem for what it is and getting out of the story. If I had a partner here, blah, blah, blah, he hadn't done this, blah, blah, blah. Just really getting realistic about the cause is huge. And then really getting realistic, too, about what I can or what I can't do. Because, yes, positive thinking is good, but sometimes it gets too happy.

Jane [00:42:37]:
You know what I mean? And it's like just sometimes being with. We have two opposing forces and our needs can't really meet up right now. And it's hard and it's exhausting. And here are the things that I can do. I can say no once a week. I can say yes once a week. And when you can just set your rule like that, I'm going to say no once a week when it inconveniences me, and I'm going to say yes once a week to something that I know really will bring me energy and nourish me.

Narrator [00:43:11]:
Yeah. Yeah. It's stuff to work on.

Jane [00:43:16]:
Yeah. Because that is what it's like we talked about. So what is some of this anger? You know, there's. There's a little bit regret, There's a little bit of resentment. There's a little bit of. But what breeds that blame?

Narrator [00:43:33]:
I just. It's just still so much. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

Jane [00:43:42]:
Because blame is the energy that we go into and it's the action that we take when it's too much to process. And one of the ways to process that anger is to release the blame, to feel the unfairness of it. Like, does it feel good to feel unfair?

Narrator [00:44:03]:
No.

Jane [00:44:03]:
Does it feel good to feel trapped? No. But just saying to yourself, like, this is where I'm at now. This is what I'm experiencing now. I'm in times that are economically tough. I'm in a state that is really expensive.

Narrator [00:44:21]:
Yeah. It's just. It's so hard for me to get past. And I don't know why he did it our whole marriage, but that he can just live a free little life all. No responsibilities, like, none of it. None of the Mental load or the physical. None of goes back to not being fair. And it's so hard to, like, I mean, just accept it.

Narrator [00:44:51]:
It's about accepting it, I guess. Just accept it for what it is and. And be able to move on. But it. It's like. And a part of it is just my personality and who I am. About holding grudges and, you know, I guess having a reason maybe, like, for why the things are the way they are or, you know.

Jane [00:45:16]:
Yeah. There's that acceptance piece. There's that surrender piece. In a grudge is just an unwillingness to process our own emotion.

Narrator [00:45:26]:
Yeah, yeah. Acceptance and surrender. Yeah. And that. But it's like when you say surrender, it's like, he won.

Jane [00:45:44]:
Mm. A phrase that I love and I go back to a lot is. And I tweak it based on my situation. It's from the course of miracles. You can have a grudge or you can have miracles. You can't have both. There's actually. You can have a grievance or you can have miracles.

Jane [00:46:07]:
You can't have both.

Narrator [00:46:10]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:46:11]:
And you can have a grudge or you can have freedom, but you can't have both. You can have blame or you can have peace, but you can't have both.

Narrator [00:46:25]:
Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah. It's definitely what I need to do. And I. And I know it, you know, I do.

Jane [00:46:37]:
So what is the fear of letting the grudge go? What is the fear of letting the blame go?

Narrator [00:46:47]:
I don't really know. Like I said, maybe. Maybe it is just that final, like, cord that you cut, or maybe it's just a part of me is still just. It goes back to. It's not fair, but I don't know. Or maybe. Maybe I'm just scared. I don't know what really of.

Narrator [00:47:11]:
Because I can't really. I don't feel scared of anything like I feel. I do. I will always, until I'm completely financially independent, be scared of that. But I don't know.

Jane [00:47:29]:
Here's a layer, and it's like an illusion. If we blame someone, we still have to do the work. If we just label it for what it is and take accountability, we still have to do the work. But for some reason we feel like, well, if I blame somebody, I feel better, but in reality, we feel worse versus not blaming anybody. Being totally accountable and doing the work with that sense of empowerment.

Narrator [00:48:05]:
Yeah. It's so easy to say it. And it just all makes sense, you know, because not like new information. I do understand it. I don't know what it is that's actually holding me back. And maybe we'll get off the phone and I'll just text him and be like, leave me alone.

Jane [00:48:28]:
Exactly.

Narrator [00:48:29]:
But I. I honestly don't know what it is that's holding me back, because they do say, you know, like, I'm actually giving him the power right now.

Jane [00:48:39]:
But you are.

Narrator [00:48:41]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:48:43]:
I'm so glad that you said that and can see that.

Narrator [00:48:46]:
Yeah, no, I do see it, and I have said it, and it just. I just. Yeah. I don't know what it is. It's like, let. Not letting me just say, leave me alone.

Jane [00:48:59]:
Mm. Here's the trick that I want you to carry forward. First of all, identify when. Oh, I'm in blame. Oh, I'm doing this. And say to yourself, I can blame or have peace and whatever it is that you want, what would you want in that moment? Not exhaustion, you know, energy. Name. I can have this or I can have that.

Jane [00:49:23]:
I can't have both, because sometimes that just shifts it. And then here's a weird thing, but it. It'll help. I am choosing to keep him on the hook. I am choosing to be impacted by the unfairness of this. I am choosing to stay angry. I am choosing to not see what's holding me back. Whenever you feel stuck, affirm that you are choosing that.

Jane [00:49:52]:
I'm choosing to stay stuck.

Narrator [00:49:54]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:49:58]:
Because that slowly starts breaking down those defenses too, and then suddenly it opens up your mind in a different way. I am choosing to feel victimized. And then if you want to take it one step deeper, I am choosing to feel victim. Victimized because. And if you don't have an answer, just let that because hang. And then you might be driving to work, and it'll be like, oh, because this is a. This is a better story somehow. Oh, because it absolves my regret.

Jane [00:50:39]:
Because if I tell this story suddenly invalidates my resentment. It makes me so I don't have to process the regret. I can just tell the victim story.

Narrator [00:50:51]:
Yeah. Yeah, it does. Yeah. And it also. You say you said the victim story, and so many times he tries to be the victim. And so it's like, you don't get to do that. And so, yeah, it's like I am still sitting in the victim mode. Instead of, like I said, I.

Narrator [00:51:20]:
I was already at that point in the marriage, so I should. This was my way out. It really is. And I know that, and I think of that, and that's what I am grateful for. Like, you know, if he hadn't done that, I would have been a horrible wife to leave somebody who worked and so hard to provide. Right. So I, I, I do see that too. And staying saying, because I, I, I try not to be a negative person.

Narrator [00:51:50]:
I don't feel like I am a negative person except with him. And it, it just takes everything, it sucks it all out, you know?

Jane [00:52:00]:
Yeah. In relationships so often we vie for the victim position. We want it. And when you said just for him, like, you don't get to be the victim, what would it be like if you're like, you take it. If there's a spot that's the victim position and there's a spot that's the victor position, give him that victim position.

Narrator [00:52:26]:
Yeah. Well, I think that's what he wants. That's what I feel. That's why I haven't given it to, like, I think that's what he wants to be able to do. Like, he is a victim. He did try. He did everything he could. And so, and it goes, that's not fair.

Jane [00:52:43]:
But is that really the position you want? If one of you has to take that position, is that the position that's worth fighting for for you?

Narrator [00:52:51]:
No, I don't want any position. I want it to just be nothing.

Jane [00:52:57]:
Give him that position.

Narrator [00:52:58]:
He'll always be the victim, I guess. Yeah.

Jane [00:53:02]:
You want the position of peace.

Narrator [00:53:05]:
Yeah.

Jane [00:53:06]:
So choose that position of peace and fight for that position and let everything that is not peace go. And that can be a filter question too. Is this peace? Then I release it. Is this peace? I surrender to it.

Narrator [00:53:24]:
Yeah, it's a lot.

Jane [00:53:27]:
Was this helpful?

Narrator [00:53:28]:
It is helpful. Yeah, it is. Like I said, it's not stuff that I didn't, that I don't know.

Jane [00:53:35]:
Yes.

Narrator [00:53:36]:
The matter of taking the knowledge and, and using it, and it's always the.

Jane [00:53:43]:
Application piece that is hard. So what are one or two things that you're going to do to apply this going forward?

Narrator [00:53:55]:
I think I, I think I'm just gonna tell him to stop texting me. I really, I mean, I, I've been wanting to do it and I don't know what I'm scared of, but, and he'll say that. Just tell me to leave you alone. Just tell me. And it's, it's such a stubborn thing for me to just say, you don't get to have. But I do need to just say, fine, you're done. You don't have to do this anymore.

Jane [00:54:24]:
So you're gonna text him to not text you anymore. What else?

Narrator [00:54:28]:
I don't know. I, I like, I Said I'm in a new. Like, a lot of other things going on in the. In my life. So just trying to maneuver those things is a lot already. So.

Jane [00:54:45]:
I would love you to choose one thing around acceptance or surrender with all of those things. Like, I am choosing. Like, using the phrase I am choosing to instead of I have to. I am choosing to. I'm choosing to stay up late and let myself be a little tired in service of my kids. Or I am choosing to go be with my. This family member in their time of need. Or I am choosing to.

Jane [00:55:14]:
I would love for you to do that one yes and that one no and reframe everything around your choice. I am choosing to say yes to lunch with my friends. I am choosing to say no to whatever it is. And if you bring that in three times a week, you know, I'm choosing. I'm choosing. I'm choosing. And if you give yourself one yes and one no a week that supports you, you're gonna find huge shifts in, like, six weeks.

Narrator [00:55:41]:
Yeah. Yeah. I feel like. I don't know if it's like, it's me or all women, but we never choose ourselves, and every choice is for somebody else. And we're always sacrificing. Always. Yeah.

Jane [00:56:03]:
Do you think you would be willing to choose yourself once a week for six weeks?

Narrator [00:56:08]:
Yeah. Yeah. Once a week I can. Good. Yeah.

Jane [00:56:14]:
And would you be willing to say no once a week for six weeks? Yes, to somebody else? Okay, good. I'm writing down six weeks, and I want you to check back in with me then and just see what shifted around that. Okay. Okay. Jane, thank you so much for being here for going through this. Everything that you feel and experience is so common. So common. You're not alone.

Jane [00:56:47]:
And it's just stepping back into your power and not giving it to anybody else for any reason. And if you choose to, then claiming it. I'm choosing to give you the power by blaming you. I'm choosing to be your victim by creating this story and then owning that.

Narrator [00:57:11]:
Yeah. Now. Thank you.

Jane [00:57:15]:
You're welcome, listeners. I hope this was beneficial to you to just walk through, to sit with what feels true in your body, to see what's the same, to see what's different and to help you know that whatever you're feeling, whatever you're experiencing, whatever you're doing is normal and you're not alone. So have an incredible week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough. And remember, if you found this session helpful and you would like your very own introductory session. You can get a 60 minute introductory session one on one with me for only $97. Go to introductory session.com and schedule yours today.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:14]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal with Laura Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and find flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.