A Decade of FLAUNT!: Truth-Telling, Betrayal, and Defining Yourself

Speaker A [00:00:03]:
Today is a milestone episode, and that milestone is that Flaunt, the podcast is 10 years old. I know, right? That feels both wildly exciting and celebratory. But it also feels kind of scary to say, because this podcast has been a part of my life for a decade, and when I started it, I had no idea that this is where it would end up. When I started it, I thought I was happily married. I thought I had this perfect relationship. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to do and I was taking care of our kids and wow. Like, I never dreamed when I started this podcast 10 years ago that instead of talking about empowerment and wellness and women, that I would be talking about betrayal. And let me tell you, that is a little bit of a mind warp.

Speaker A [00:01:14]:
All along the journey of this podcast, truth has been important to me. Having conversations about truth, about identity, about confidence, power, sensuality, all of those things were important to me. I just never knew at the time that I started that there would be such a focus on burnout and betrayal. I thought it was just healing and confident, confidence and visibility and like, all of those ways that women learn to hide themselves in order to be appropriate and fit in. So this episode today is not only a celebration of the podcast and its 10 year anniversary, but it's really also a reflection on what 10 years of truth telling has taught me, what 10 years of extreme vulnerability and putting it all out there has taught me. Because like I said earlier, when I started Flaunt, yes, I was deeply interested in confidence. I was deeply interested in femininity and the courage that it takes to stop hiding. I was passionate about helping people live fully and freely.

Speaker A [00:02:45]:
You know, I have this whole program on, like, how do you just be free? How do you get over yourself? Because it's really hard to get over yourself. I started this podcast originally thinking about those themes through the lens of burlesque, embodiment, humor, and spirituality. And if you've been with me for a while, you know what that means. And if you don't, you're like, wait, what? Burlesque and spirituality, humor and what are you talking about? The way I did personal growth was I used burlesque as the metaphor. For those of you who don't know, burlesque is an art form, kind of an extension of the whole vaudeville era that was about concealing and revealing. It was about making fun of conservative norms. It was about not really flirtation in the sense that I can get you to do something, but flirtation in the sense of, you know what I'm about to do. I know what I'm about to do.

Speaker A [00:03:58]:
We're gonna play this off together. Here is my glove. I'm going to peel my glove off. You know that my hand is underneath the glove. But let's play with it. Let's build up the tension. Let's make this something that's fun and funny. Burlesque has an element of irony.

Speaker A [00:04:20]:
It's got a huge element of parody and humor. And what I started doing, what my whole book Flaunt is about, is about using that tension between concealing and revealing, about knowing what you're going to do, but feeling a little bit intimidated about all of that that goes on inside of our heads, but physicalizing it. Look at yourself right now. Whether you are out taking a walk and it's early morning, whether you're at work or you're driving. What are you wearing? Because we cover ourselves with clothing that. That is appropriate for the situation. If you are cleaning house, you're going to wear something different than if you're going to a cocktail party, and you're going to wear something different if you're going to court and you're going to wear something different if you want to impress somebody. We put on clothing that is reminiscent of who we are.

Speaker A [00:05:21]:
Yes. And what we like. Yes. But also to signal to ourselves and to others who we are and what our skill set is. We have items of clothing, of makeup, of hair that enhances. I've got on eye makeup to enhance my eyes. I've got on lipstick to enhance my lips, and I also have on foundation to cover my flaws. So I've got clothing that will cover, and I've got clothing that will enhance.

Speaker A [00:05:54]:
I've got makeup that will cover, and I have makeup that will enhance. And what we do on the outside is what we also do on the inside. What are the things that you say and do and think that are there to enhance, and what are the things that you don't say or don't do or don't think because you don't want other people to notice. So that was what I really wanted to talk about when I was podcasting. Just giving women the awareness. Not. Not that it's shame or good or bad, but I'm going to put my best foot forward because I know it's my best foot. You know what I mean? I'm not going to come at you with all of my wounds and shadow self because I'm aware that they're my wounds and shadow selves.

Speaker A [00:06:47]:
And I. I'm putting my Best foot, foot forward. And then as we deepen the relationship, we get to see parts of each other that aren't so pretty, that aren't so healthy. But by then, we love each other, we like each other, we are in relationship to each other. And it's really interesting because of Fair Recovery is so similar. And at first glance, you might be like, I don't know what you're talking about. That is totally different. But it's not.

Speaker A [00:07:19]:
It's. Underneath it all is that question of, what is the good parts of me? What are the good parts of you? What are the bad parts of me? What are the bad parts of you? How can we tell enough truth and share enough truth with each other so we see each other clearly? So then I can make an informed decision that, yeah, I'm done with this relationship, and your bad parts are so much deeper and darker and I'm not willing to deal with that, or, oh, I get it. And I have compassion and capabilities, and I think we can make this work. So it's been an interesting flip from this. Yay, Female empowerment. Burlesque. Woo. What you can see or what you reveal.

Speaker A [00:08:12]:
Strip out of those labels, strip out of those roles, strip out of the scripts, Reveal yourself authentically from that place of, hey, yeah, let's do personal development into what the show is now that, whoa, somebody stripped that off of me. My life was ruined, My identity was crashed, the rug was pulled out from under me, and now I have to do it. Same journey, different vibe. And I've talked about this before, and I'll talk about it again, too. There is a difference between exposing yourself and being exposed by somebody else, which is raw and vulnerable. I'm not ready for this. And revealing yourself when you have been exposed by somebody, it's painful. They are ripping the covers away.

Speaker A [00:09:05]:
They are showing your bad parts to the world versus when you reveal yourself, you're like, yeah, not proud of it, maybe even ashamed of it. But I'm revealing it because the truth is, this is who I am. And a lot of this really goes back to who gets to define you. Who gets to define you anyway? That's a question that has also really been at the heart of this podcast for 10 years. It was actually even the thesis of the TEDx talk that I did in Washington, D.C. and it really remains, I think, one of the most profound questions that we can ask ourselves. Who gets to define me? Because somebody else's judgment doesn't define you. Somebody's else's betrayal does not define you.

Speaker A [00:10:09]:
Somebody else's actions don't define you. Somebody else's inability to see you or value you or to think you're worthwhile, none of that defines you. But it's really, really hard sometimes to figure that out and to actually stand tall in it. Because we spend so much of our lives leaning on other people. Not in weakness, but to define us. How do you know that you were a good student or. Or a bad student or too talkative or too shy? How would you know that unless people told you that? Right. How would you know that? Nobody ever on their own thinks I'm too shy or I'm too loud.

Speaker A [00:11:11]:
It's other people's judgment. Wow, you're too shy or wow, you're too loud. So we know ourselves in relationship to others. We know ourselves because of our relationship with others, because of their judgments. How do we get that as information and take it in as information and yet not really refuse to be defined by it? Because that, to me, kind of implies a sense of defiance. But how do we take it in as information and. And then be brave enough and confident enough and clear enough to be who we are? I work with so many people, and I love all of the people that I work with. And I can't tell you how many times, either in a coaching session or during our voxer coaching, will people tell me things about themselves that they're struggling with or that they're suffering with that they're ashamed of.

Speaker A [00:12:17]:
And as we start unpacking it, honest to goodness, eight times out of 10, it's not their stuff, it's somebody else's stuff. They had a parent who was incapable of managing their own emotions, so they labeled them as the difficult child. They were not a difficult child. They were a normal child. It's just that their parents didn't have the skills or the ability to take care of them. Whether, as is the case for a lot of people, the parent has an alcohol issue or a drug issue, or they're just completely. They've got a mental health issue and they're completely checked out. And people will spend their whole life with this belief that I'm the difficult one, I'm the difficult child, or I'm the one that has to fix it all.

Speaker A [00:13:12]:
I'm the fixer child. Oh, my God. If I'm not fixing it, everything is going to fall apart. Well, why? Because that's how it's always been. I cleaned everything up in my marriage. I cleaned everything up in my childhood home, I cleaned everything up. But really, who would you be if you weren't the fixer? Who were. Who would you be if you weren't the problem child? Who would you be if you weren't whatever it is that you have been labeled? And that's unsettling.

Speaker A [00:13:50]:
And that's why when I first started doing this podcast and we're doing this personal development work, I'm asking these questions, I'm challenging people and it's almost theory, like, who would I be if I didn't have a home and if I didn't have family and if I didn't have friends and if I, who would I be? And it's like this theory. Oh, I think I would be like this, and I think I would be like that. And I think I would value this. And then with betrayal, oh my God, it all gets yanked away. Suddenly I'm not the good wife. Suddenly I'm not the loved spouse. Suddenly I'm not all of these things and my whole world is not what I thought. And it's totally different.

Speaker A [00:14:30]:
And now it's not just this happy little exerc I'm doing in my head for personal development, I have to figure it out because it is wildly painful right now. And that's that difference of revealing yourself. I'm going to do this work gently in my own pace, or being exposed. Holy crap, Aluski. This just came out. My entire life fell apart. Now I got to rebuild my identity. Now I've got to learn how to get comfortable and define myself all by myself, while I'm also figuring out 10,000 other different things.

Speaker A [00:15:13]:
So when betrayal happens, it's harder and sometimes it's easier. And what I mean by that is it's harder because you're being forced to do it and you're being forced to do it at a fast pace. But in a weird way, it can be easier because you have no default option. There is no plan B. You gotta start figuring yourself out or you know that a year is gonna go by and you're still gonna be miserable. And two years are gonna go by and you're still gonna be depressed. And three years are gonna go by and you're still gonna be telling this story. And speaking of one year going by and two years going by, it's just like this show.

Speaker A [00:15:56]:
It's the ten year anniversary. Anniversaries are so interesting because they measure time. They make us look back at where we were about what we believed, what we hoped for, and what we thought our lives were going to become. Ten years ago, when I very first decided to do this show, I remember clearly I was sitting in the car and outside of my son's piano lessons, and I was talking to the producer of Dream Vision 7. Dream Vision 7 Radio Network is the network where my show is syndicated. And we were talking about the vision for the show. And I'm like, it's all about this liberation and this empowerment and. And letting go of that judgment and just living your fullest, best life.

Speaker A [00:16:49]:
And it was just with all of this joy and with all of this positivity, and I felt so solid and I felt so stable and I felt so sure of myself. My kids were in high school. I was moving into empty nesting. I was moving into my career full time instead of part time. We were moving. Like, all of my expectations are so different now than they were then. And whether it's the anniversary of D Day or the anniversary of a divorce or a wedding or of whatever, what I really want you to know is anniversaries are complicated. Some anniversaries hurt because they remind us of a version of reality that no longer exists.

Speaker A [00:17:40]:
Sometimes they're painful because we look back on ourselves and we're like, how could I have been so naive or stupid or careless? And no matter what anniversary you're facing, I want you to know that your feelings are truly valid. I mean, truly valid. I am thrilled that it's the 10 year anniversary of this podcast. I cannot believe the millions of listeners whose lives we've touched. Like, I am so forever grateful for this. And, yeah, there's those twinges of, whoa, it shouldn't have been this way in the first place. This was not what was intended. And it's interesting because any story, any whatever it is, do you see how it can go both ways? Like, I could really focus on, this is not what was intended.

Speaker A [00:18:39]:
It shouldn't have been this way. Oh, my God, I can't believe that I'm here. Or I can also take the view that this is really incredible, that this is here, because I couldn't have planned this. I couldn't have seen this coming. And this is my purpose in life. This is my soul's purpose. This is where I'm meant to be. And our purpose will find us.

Speaker A [00:19:07]:
And wow, this podcast was up and running before I even knew. This was something that I got to share in real time with people and what a gift that is. And that's not a gift that I could have ever planned, but, boy, the way it turned out really was beautiful. So, yeah, anniversaries can be complicated. Anniversaries of anything could Be complicated. They can hold that mix of love and fear, in grief and rage and anger, in gratitude, in confusion and nostalgia and, like, disbelief and all of the different emotions all at once. But I think when we're aware that we don't have to make sense of all of our feelings all at the same time, it can help. Because I can look about.

Speaker A [00:20:09]:
I can look at myself as I was then. I can look at that woman as she was, and I can feel so much love and compassion for her, and I can feel so much gratitude for the growth that she has made. And it makes me proud. And that's a question I honestly want you to answer right here, right now. Are you proud of yourself? Are you proud of yourself? Because even without knowing who you are and what you've been through, if you're here, I know you should be proud of yourself. I know that. And so often when I work with clients, they'll say things like, well, I'm really proud of this, but I could have done that better. Or I think maybe I should be proud of this, but I don't really feel it.

Speaker A [00:21:09]:
And being proud of yourself matters. Again, not in an arrogant place, but being proud that you got out of bed is huge. Being proud that you had a conversation that was even a tiny bit productive is something to be proud of. Because we were talking earlier about labels. Like if somebody labels you as too loud or too shy or too smart or too dumb or too whatever you take taken on. And being proud is labeling yourself in a good way is labeling you as a capable, confident person who did a right thing. And that matters. I mean, again, you're here.

Speaker A [00:21:53]:
You're doing the right thing. You should be proud both of the woman that you were who made those wedding vows, the woman who did the things in the marriage, even if they were mistakes. So many of. So many of you, so many of you will say to me when we get together, I feel embarrassed and kind of almost afraid at how much I pushed my husband without knowing there were so many things where I almost feel arrogant, where I almost feel like I was pushing him and I didn't see he was at the breaking point. And then that turns into the shame. But what I like to say is, oh, my God, the fact that you can talk about a shadow aspect of self, the fact that you cannot take blame for the affair because you didn't cause it, you didn't cheat, but that you can self reflect and say, whoa, here's where I could have been better. Here's where I could have noticed. Here's where I could have stepped back.

Speaker A [00:23:02]:
Here is where I could have offered more space or grace. Here is where I can become a better person, a better partner. Not because I'm going to prevent him from cheating, because that's not what it's about. But in terms of, wow. I was so busy and strung out and stressed out and exhausted, doing 99% of everything with the kids, the home and the family and managing all that emotional labor. Like, we all get that. I was so busy, I didn't see my husband's pain. Now that can be spun.

Speaker A [00:23:43]:
I didn't see his pain. I should have done more. No, that's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is sing that realization. I was so busy and so strung out, I didn't even see that. How did I let myself get that busy? Poor, sweet Lora. How could you have taken better care of yourself? Where, going forward, can you take better care of yourself? Whether it was when the kids were little, getting some daycare, getting a teenager to come in one day a week and watch the kids, or take care of some laundry and cleaning, like, what were those small things that I could have done? Where could I have let something go and I could have just sat outside and journaled instead of raced around like a maniac all the time. It's not about blame and shame.

Speaker A [00:24:34]:
It's about seeing, wow. I let myself get pushed so far that I wasn't even aware of the pain of my husband, my partner, the person that I loved. And he let himself go so far that he was not aware of me or himself. And he let himself get pushed into this whole situation where he started making some horrific choices and cheating. Now, I know, I know, I know, I know. Some of you were like, I get it. It's just, where can we pause? Where can we bring in more white space? Where can we bring in more honest self reflection without placing blame on anyone? This was the situation. This is what I did really good.

Speaker A [00:25:24]:
Yay. Proud of you. This is where I didn't do so good because I really let myself get exhausted. I even had adrenal fatigue at one point because I wasn't taking good care of myself. Not shame, not blame, not he should have done it. But hey, where could I have done a better job? Here's what I'm proud of and here's where I could have done a better job. And that's what I want you to get to that point too, of knowing yourself. Where did you just kick booty, baby? And where are you like, dang I lost myself.

Speaker A [00:25:59]:
I totally lost myself. And I think these are all of the reasons why this anniversary episode feels so much bigger than just a really cool podcast milestone to me. It's. It's about what time reveals. It's about the passage of time. It's about what truth reveals. It's about what happens to human beings when their identity gets wrapped up around either a relationship or a role, or just a version of life starts falling away. I mean, transitioning into anything is hard.

Speaker A [00:26:53]:
Transitioning out of high school, into college can be hard. Leaving college and going into the real world can be hard. Getting married can be hard. Becoming a parent can be hard. Becoming an empty nester, losing parents, friends, like, all of these transitions are hard. And part of the reasons they're hard is because our identity is wrapped up into that relationship. I am a wife. I am a mom.

Speaker A [00:27:24]:
I am a friend. And I'm not advocating being a lone wolf, but I am advocating being gentler with yourself, being kinder to yourself, speaking truth to yourself, speaking truth to others, and speaking truth to yourself. Wow. Let's. Let's sit with that one for a little bit. What does it mean to speak truth to yourself? I really think it means finding that awareness and that congruency between who you really are and how you're really feeling. Because we're conditioned. When somebody says, like, how are you? You say, fine, how are you? How often do you really drop in and think, how am I? I'm a little bit tired.

Speaker A [00:28:32]:
I'm a little bit stressed. I've got this, like, forward moving anxiety because I've got so much going on. And I'm really excited because I have this cool stuff going on, like, in my life. My son is about to get married. That's very exciting. But I have stress around trying to get everything done and ready for the wedding. We don't sit with how we feel. We just don't.

Speaker A [00:29:00]:
And that's important to do because that is telling the truth to yourself. If somebody wants you to sit down and watch TV with them in the evening and you're like, it's the last thing I want to do. I want to read. It's not about who wins and who loses. It's not about do I or don't I? It's about speaking that truth first to yourself. I really want to just get some tea and sit in the quiet of my room or sit on my patio and read a book. You have to speak the truth to yourself, then you can speak it to somebody else. Thank you for that.

Speaker A [00:29:39]:
Offer What I really want to do is. And then you can even go deeper. Why did you want me there? Did you want me there because you really want some companionship? Do you want me there just because it's a habit and you feel like I. You're including me even though you really don't care that I'm there? Like, telling the truth gives us that opportunity to go much deeper. And telling the truth also exposes back to that exposing and revealing conversation. It exposes all of those beliefs that we were told, like, you should feel this way, or you should want to do that, or you shouldn't want to do this. When you tell yourself the truth, it's an internal experience, and it allows you to start figuring out what you want, what you don't want, what matters, what doesn't matter. And when you start telling yourself the truth, then you can start deciding what things fit or don't fit in your life, whether they're roles, whether they're labels.

Speaker A [00:31:08]:
That doesn't really fit for me anymore. It's interesting because early on in our marriage, Sean would always say my husband, that he was such an introvert, that he was so shy. And it was like, that's interesting, because I don't really see him that way, but kind of, I guess. And it was about five years ago where all of a sudden he claimed that and he owned it, and he said, I'm actually an extrovert. I love being around people. I love talking. I love sharing things. It's just that I was told that I was the shy one for so long, and I think I was told that as a way to get me to sit down and shut up.

Speaker A [00:31:57]:
But I'm not shy. I'm not an introvert. And it was interesting because it caused me to reflect on myself, too, because I have always identified as an extrovert. Yay, conversation. Yay, friends. Yay, people. Like, here I am on the podcast talking to everybody. I'll hop on.

Speaker A [00:32:17]:
I'll hop on and zoom with anybody anytime. And yet, still, there is a huge part of me that craves quiet, that craves absolutely being alone without anybody, without Sean, without my kids, without family or friends. So, wow, I had to own that and claim that for myself, and then I had to tell myself the truth. And once I got comfortable with that, now I am more comfortable with friends being like, you know what? I just can't do it. I'm a part of this really fun group of women. We call ourselves just the Goddess Circle. And we meet once a month and we teach Each other, things that we've learned, and we ask questions and we just share really deep things. And last week we were supposed to meet, and on that day, I was also giving a speech.

Speaker A [00:33:17]:
And it was one of those things where I wasn't as prepared for the speech as I wanted to be. So I was having a lot of kind of like, stress going into it, and then it was an hour talk, and then we ended up having like, an hour and 15 minutes of discussion afterwards. And when I left, the energy just started to drop. And I got in the car and it was like, do I turn right and go to Goddess Circle because they're expecting me, or do I turn left and go home? And I turned left and I went home and I told them I just needed to be alone. I just couldn't. I just couldn't do it. And you know what? They get it because it's not personal. Because I am confident and clear that I'm doing it.

Speaker A [00:34:08]:
Because I. I need this time. I've got so much going on right now, and I need this time. And I'm also confident in what I bring to those friendships and what I bring to that group. I appreciate and love everybody there for who they are. They appreciate and love me for who I am. And it's all okay. We're not pleasing.

Speaker A [00:34:39]:
We're not seeking to conform or to please or to do the things. It's from that place of deep inner knowing. This is what I need right now. And I know some of you might be thinking like, well, what about integrity? What about keeping your word? What about saying that you're there? Yes, that matters. And in full fairness, when the original RSVP went out, I said, I just don't think I'm going to be able to do it. I'll try if I feel good, but if I'm wiped out, I'm not going to do it. So in full transparency, nobody was waiting on me. And yet there are situations where we have to show up, where we have to dig deep and where we have to do it.

Speaker A [00:35:23]:
But it's also important to tell yourself the truth in those moments. There are times with you, I'm just going to say, with you and your spouse talking about the infidelity, he might not want to show up and talk, but he has to, because that's being in integrity and that's honoring. And there are times you might not want to show up and talk, but you do, because you are in integrity and you are honoring that. And there can still be bounds around that. And there still should be bounds around that. This is another question that comes up a lot. Um, especially the women will say, I need to talk about it more. And the men are like, oh, my God, we have beat this dead horse.

Speaker A [00:36:06]:
We're not talking about it again. How long do we have to talk about it? How much longer do we have to talk? And it's. It's interesting because the answer is not, ooh, buddy, you did this. And you have to talk about it until your dying day. Oh, buddy, you did this. And you do have to keep talking about this. If you want to keep this relationship, if you want to keep the connection, you need to talk. And woman who has been betrayed or person who has been betrayed, you also do not get unfettered time and resources to just talk and talk and talk and talk about this.

Speaker A [00:36:46]:
He gets a break also. He gets a break also. One of the things I advise my clients to do is write down the questions. Write down the questions, and then write down the answers. And before you ask him again, review your own notes. I bet you know the answers, and then that narrows it. And you can have maybe shorter discussions or less frequent discussions, because now you're going deeper and you're getting the information out there, and it works. So, yeah, he's going to want to.

Speaker A [00:37:29]:
He's going to want to show up for the conversations. And, yeah, you're also going to have to be respectful. That is that truth. And that truth goes both ways. And when we have been hurt, when we have been victimized, when we have been betrayed, too often we feel like it's going to be all my way from here on out. What that is about is not about the affair. What that is about is us betraying ourselves. What that is about is us sacrificing too much in the past, and now we're bitter, and now we're resentful.

Speaker A [00:38:07]:
I gave so much. And the reason here's the hook. The reason you're resentful, the reason you're bitter. If you have ever said, I gave too much, I did too much, and I didn't get what I deserved, chances are high that you did it without being asked. You did it because you thought you were supposed to do it. You did it because you thought it would be appreciated. You did it because you thought that's what a good mom or a good wife or a good partner did. And the resentment is not that my partner didn't notice.

Speaker A [00:38:53]:
The resentment is, how did I not know this within myself? How did I not ask? How did I not figure that Out. Why did I think that was my role? My big thing is being helpful. I can google things for people and I can search things for people and I can put things together for people and I can step in and I can make calls and oh, you wouldn't believe how helpful I am. I am so helpful. Well, then do you know what I learned during a fair recovery? I learned that he wasn't appreciating my help and that actually he felt very emasculated when I just leaned in and did everything. He felt like I had my fingers in everybody else's pie and that I was trying to control it. And it was like, I'm not controlling, I'm helping. And it really, it's even still hard for me now because sometimes it's like I just want to fly into action.

Speaker A [00:39:57]:
I want to fly into action because I can fix it. It's not my job to fix it. Oh my God, that is so hard sometimes. What do you mean it's not my job to fix it? I can do this. And I have gotten so much better at asking, do you want me to start googling that? Do you want me to start figuring that out? Do you want me to pick that up for you? And nine times out of ten he's like, no, I got it. And then I started talking to my kids about that. It's like, do you just adore me because I'm so helpful or do you just think I'm controlling it in your business business all the time? They think I'm controlling it in their business all the time. It's like, darn it, I got that one wrong.

Speaker A [00:40:40]:
And that's my question to you too. Like, what are you getting wrong? Because when we feel resentment, it's our realization that we got it wrong. I feel resentment over all of the self sacrificial stuff that I did. Having the perfect house and the perfect meals and the perfect kids that nobody asked for and nobody wanted and that nobody appreciated me for because it wasn't asked for. Like I used to say, sometimes I've spent all day cleaning the house. You walk in and it's like you don't even notice. No, I don't notice because you're actually cleaning for you. Because you're the one with a hang up on the clean house, not me.

Speaker A [00:41:27]:
That was never said, but that's what was really going on. And be like, oh, yeah, carpet looks great. Nice. Floors are pretty nice. That was me. For me, so much of the good wife, good mom, good daughter, good girl. All of that Crap. If I really get honest and tell the truth, and this show is about telling the truth, it was for me.

Speaker A [00:41:51]:
I did it because I wanted that image, because I wanted the clean house, because I wanted. I said I was doing it for you. I said I was doing it for them. And yes, they get the benefit of it, but it was because of my hang up that that was the right thing to do. I know. I know. That is the truth. What is the truth for you and where have you hidden the truth from? You cloaked it like burlesque cloaked it in a layer of something that it's time to remove.

Speaker A [00:42:37]:
Now here's another really tender layer around that, and I want to name it carefully. But sometimes we don't see the truth because we don't have the capacity to deal with it. It's not that. I mean, sometimes we bury our head in the sand. Sometimes we just do, you know, Sometimes we're like, oh, I'll deal with that later, or it's really not that bad. So many people with substance abuse or pornography addictions. It's really not that bad. It's really not that bad.

Speaker A [00:43:09]:
Everybody does it. They're lying to themselves. Where are you lying to yourself too? And again, being gentle. Sometimes we don't see the truth or we don't tell ourselves the truth because we don't have the capacity to deal with it. It's not that we're weak. It's not that we're stupid. It's just that we're human. And there are times where we don't have the capacity to deal with something.

Speaker A [00:43:40]:
You know, I mentioned making dinner. There's nights where I'm like, I do not have the capacity. We are going to go grab fast food, we're going out, or I'm opening something, like just opening a bag of salad because I don't have the capacity to do it. And there's other times where I'm like, yeah, I'm tired, but I can do it. And then there's other times. We're like, yes, Facing the truth requires resources. Facing the truth requires support. One of my favorite analogies is don't rock the boat.

Speaker A [00:44:18]:
Or phrases not analogies. Don't rock the boat unless you know how to swim. And isn't that the truth? Don't rock the boat unless you know how to swim. And I want to even extend that further until you're ready to swim. Because you gotta swim if you're gonna rock the boat. What are you ready to face and what are you not ready to Face. Sometimes you do need the kids to get older. You do need, do need more money.

Speaker A [00:44:52]:
You do need safety. Timing matters. And that's why sometimes it ticks me off when you see people online or friends leave now. You have no idea what I'm facing. I will leave when my timing is right. I will stay because I feel that it's right. Sometimes we legitimately need more information. Sometimes we just need more nervous system capacity.

Speaker A [00:45:20]:
Sometimes I gotta wait and visit with the attorney. I need some legal clarity and see if this is even gonna work. Did you know. Oh, this is a good one. Did you know so many people will go see an attorney like a year before they actually file for divorce? Totally common. It takes time, it takes maturity, it takes a plan. It takes all of these different pieces coming together. And when we don't have all of the things available to us, we do what all humans do and we minimize.

Speaker A [00:46:00]:
We rationalize, we explain away. We distract ourselves, we stay busy, we focus on something else. We tell ourselves it's not that important. I mean, I hear this all the time too. People will be like, I actually was quietly starving in my emotion, in my relationship. We did not have a great emotional capacity. I was not happy, but I wasn't really ever admitting it to myself. I just got busier with work.

Speaker A [00:46:27]:
I just got busier with the kids. I just, I distracted myself. I got into something else. Same thing with our partners. They start doing something differently. They're distracting themselves. An affair is a distraction. I mean, let's call that what it is.

Speaker A [00:46:44]:
When I say the affair has nothing to do with you, it doesn't. It has to do with a person who cheats. And what a great distraction from your real problems, right? Well, now I'm in this little texting thing and now I'm seeing somebody who validates me. And now I have to sneak time away. Like it creates this entirely all encompassing fantasy world that diverts and distracts them from their real issues. Why do they divert and distract from their real issues? Because they don't know how to manage their real issues. Why does anybody divert and distract from their real issues? Because they don't know how to manage them. If you know how to clean up the problem, you clean up the problem.

Speaker A [00:47:25]:
If you know how to do something, you do it. And if not, it's that distraction, diversion, minimize blame. It's you, it's not me. Like, I don't. I don't think it's totally fair to categorize all cheaters. However, there is a playbook and most of them follow the rules of the playbook. Most of them cheat because they are deeply unhappy with themselves and they don't know how to address it. So they launch into this whole fantasy world, hoping it's going to go away.

Speaker A [00:48:07]:
It's pretty predictable. And I know that sometimes doesn't feel good, but it's true. And the reason I. I don't want to say I'm pointing fingers at you, but the reason I want you to take that internal look too is where have you diverted and distracted because you didn't know how to manage it. I mean, I can think of so many scenarios where you're like, I don't even know what to do here. So I'm going to do that. I'm just going to ignore it. I'm going to pretend it's not as bad.

Speaker A [00:48:41]:
I'm going to go somewhere else. That's human nature. We bury our head in the sand because looking directly at the truth would require us to make a decision we're not ready to make or we're not resourced enough to make. I want to say that again. Sometimes we bury our head in the sand because looking directly at the truth would require us to make a decision that we're either not ready to make or we're not resourced enough to make. And that is something that is okay. I cannot tell you the numbers of women who have gone through my six month rise and reign, super intense getting to know yourself program. And they go through it and they're like, whoa, whoa.

Speaker A [00:49:45]:
I'm seeing things differently. Whoa. I have different capacity now. Can't tell you how often I hear, whoa, whoa. And then they'll reach out a couple, a couple months after it's done and be like, oh my gosh, I get it. I so get it now. I so see it now. Now that I have the resources that we built up together, now that I have those tools, now that I have the truth and the awareness and the support, the emotional support to look at things clearly, like everything has clicked into place.

Speaker A [00:50:23]:
All these cogs in the wheel have clicked into the. Into place. And I just had one woman say last week, you know, Lora, you always say betrayal uncovers the truth. Not about the affair, but about all of those deeper things that you've never had the time or the capacity to see or to manage. And she said, I'd hear that. And I think, I don't really get it. I don't really get what she's saying. I don't really get it.

Speaker A [00:50:55]:
And she sent me this huge Email before a session. And she was like, I get it. I get it. That thing that's been uncovered. Oh my God, it's been uncovered. And this is what I see. And this is what I see clearly now. And it's all different.

Speaker A [00:51:09]:
And holy cow. And then again, this explains things, right? This explains so much of yourself, and it explains so much of your partner. But I also want to be clear. It doesn't excuse the harm. You know what I mean? It doesn't exclude the harm that you have done to yourself or that somebody else did to you or that you inadvertently did to somebody else. It helps you see the truth. It helps you to understand that you're human too. But it doesn't exclude.

Speaker A [00:51:49]:
Excuse the truth. I said that wrong. It doesn't excuse the harm. Revealing the truth does not excuse the harm. It's not about blame. It's got that understanding. So then you can move into reclamation. What am I going to do now? Reclaim reclamation.

Speaker A [00:52:13]:
How am I going to reclaim myself? How am I going to reclaim the relationship? How am I going to speak truth to myself, speak truth to others, and lean into doing what I need to do? Because speaking the truth is not using the truth, like, as a weapon. It's about using it as a doorway to standing in that integrity where we no longer have to rely on anybody else to define us. You don't need to tell me I'm a good mom or a good wife or brilliant and wise like, you can tell me all that. Wonderful. Thank you so much. That's amazing. But I know I am like, I know what I'm doing is right. I know who I am is good.

Speaker A [00:53:05]:
And I know when I make mistakes. I'm not fully resourced at all moments in time. But I know what to do to become more resourced. I'm confident and I can be insecure. So I can know when I'm in my confidence and when I'm clear about that. And I can know when I'm not resourced and I'm insecure, but I have the ability to remain connected to myself pretty much at all times. And notice I said pretty much. It doesn't mean judgment doesn't hurt.

Speaker A [00:53:45]:
Sometimes people will post something online or something will happen and it hurts. Being misunderstood hurts. Being betrayed hurts. Being criticized hurts. Oh, my God. Nobody loves rejection, right? But I know somebody else's judgment is not a verdict. It's not the be all, end all of who I am. It's not my identity, because I know who I am and I know my worth and I think after 10 years of flaunt, that is what I know to be true more than just about anything.

Speaker A [00:54:24]:
I know that truth sets us free. I know that truth sets everybody free. And I know that truth strips us down first. It strips away fantasy and denial. It strips away our false beliefs. It strips away identities that we've built around. I'm the good one. I'm the kind one.

Speaker A [00:54:50]:
I'm the smart one. I'm the loyal, desirable, whatever one. And I also know that that stripping away feels devastating. But it's also the beginning of self definition. Once that old costume fits. Coming back to the burlesque analogy, you have a choice. Are you going to keep squeezing yourself back into that old identity? Or even to that new identity of betrayed partner? Are you going to start asking yourself what is actually true now? Who am I? What do I know? What do I want? What do I value? What do I need? What do I believe? What am I no longer willing to tolerate? What parts of me have been hidden for way too long? What parts of me am I really finally willing to reveal what I know after 10 years of flaunt is Asking those questions is not always comfortable, but they are powerful. They are powerful.

Speaker A [00:56:13]:
Being confident, being self defined, choosing to reveal yourself, healing even when you feel like crumpling and withering away. It's all part about becoming who you are. Releasing judgment that was put on you, releasing somebody else's actions. The truth will hurt before it liberates. You're strong enough to withstand that pain and you're strong enough to live fully and freely in your truth. I think that's truly what 10 years of flaunt has taught me. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are.

Speaker A [00:57:09]:
Because who you are is always more than enough.