This is part one of the Why Did They Cheat? series—a four-part journey to help you decode betrayal, find your footing, and reclaim your power.
Think cheating is about sex, lack of love, or unmet needs at home? Think again. In this powerful episode, betrayal recovery coach and attorney Lora Cheadle uncovers the deeper psychological reasons behind infidelity—including avoidance of self, unhealed trauma, and a desperate search for validation. Whether you’re staying or leaving, understanding why they cheated has nothing to do with you—and everything to do with them. This is part one in a four-part series on decoding betrayal.
Top 3 Takeaways:
- Cheating is a Maladaptive Coping Strategy
Infidelity is often driven by unresolved emotional pain and a lack of healthy coping skills—not by dissatisfaction in the relationship or lack of love. - They Didn’t Cheat Because of You
The betrayal is not about your worth or actions. It’s about their inability to face themselves, process their emotions, and validate their own identity. - Understanding is Not Excusing
Gaining insight into your partner’s behavior helps you reclaim your peace and stop blaming yourself. But understanding is not the same as letting them off the hook—accountability and healing must still happen.
Who This Is For:
- Women recovering from infidelity who want clarity and calm
- Anyone struggling with self-blame after betrayal
- Listeners curious about the deeper emotional roots of cheating
Subscribe, Rate & Review: If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend and leave a review—it helps other women find the support they need! Share this episode with your partner if they’re ready to understand the real reasons behind their cheating behavior.
Betrayal Recovery Tool Kit:
Find Relief, Reclaim Yourself, and Rewrite Your Story
Download your Betrayal Recovery Tool Kit at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com and start reclaiming yourself and your life today!
About Lora:
Lora Cheadle is a betrayal recovery coach, attorney, and TEDx speaker who helps women heal from betrayal on an energetic, emotional, and ancestral level—while also providing legal guidance to help them navigate the practical complexities of infidelity and relationship transitions. She empowers women to rise from the ashes, reclaim their identity and self-worth, break free from repeating patterns, and step into their power with confidence, clarity, and grace.
After being shattered by her husband’s fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand what it takes to transform devastation into an invitation for healing, freedom, and joy. Her unique approach blends deep emotional healing with tangible legal and life strategies, guiding women beyond betrayal into lives of unapologetic confidence and purpose.
As the founder of Life Choreography Coaching & Advocacy, Lora provides comprehensive legal, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual support on demand. She believes that infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of the dream you poured your heart and soul into—it can be the beginning of a life filled with sovereignty, connection, and joy.
Licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, Lora is also a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, and advanced integrated energy practitioner. She is certified in yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal training, bringing a holistic perspective to healing.
She is the author of FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self (an International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller) and It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP & Thrive. She also hosts the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal.
Based in Colorado, Lora is an adventure-seeker who loves travel, a great book, and saying yes to life’s magic.
Betrayal Recovery Tool Kit
Find Relief, Reclaim Yourself, and Rewrite Your Story
Download your Betrayal Recovery Roadmap & Tool Kit at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com and start reclaiming yourself and your life today!
Let’s connect! Share your thoughts or questions from this episode with Lora at loracheadle.com. New episodes every week.
Subscribe, like, share, and join Lora Cheadle on your journey to reclaim your sparkle and create a life you love.
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Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT
Are you ready to Rise, Reclaim, and Reign as the Queen of Your Life? Infidelity may have shaken your world, but it does not define you. You are powerful. You are worthy. And you are more than capable of creating a future filled with confidence, clarity, and joy.
I’m here to walk beside you, giving you the perspective, permission, and proven tools to transform betrayal into your greatest awakening. Whether through one-on-one coaching or my on-demand Affair Recovery Programs, you’ll gain the guidance and support to untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and step boldly into your next chapter.
Your transformation starts now! Learn more at www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com and visit www.LoraCheadle.com for even more resources and inspiration.
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- International Book Award, Finalist Motivational Self-Help, 2021
- Tattered Cover Bestseller, 2019
Have you spent your life playing by the rules, only to realize those rules weren’t made for you? What if you could break free—from expectations, from betrayal, from the roles you were taught to play—and reclaim your true self?
FLAUNT! is your guide to stripping away societal conditioning, healing from the heartbreak of betrayal, and rediscovering the fierce, confident woman you were born to be. With humor, wisdom, and powerful, actionable steps, Lora Cheadle empowers you to rise above the narratives that have confined you and boldly choreograph a life that is smart, sexy, spiritual, and uniquely your own.
It’s time to stop living for others and start living for you.
Buy Now on Amazon, or wherever books are sold.
It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP & Thrive
Burnout isn’t just exhaustion—it’s a betrayal of your time, energy, and trust. This essential guide redefines burnout, exposing its hidden roots and equipping individuals, teams, and leaders with five powerful tools to reclaim their passion, purpose, and well-being.
If you’re ready to break free from burnout and step into a life of clarity, confidence, and fulfillment, this book is your roadmap.
Available now on Amazon. Download your free guide, BURNOUT UNCOVERED: Fostering Candid Conversations for Teams at www.ItsNotBurnoutItsBetrayal.com.
Transcript
Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Do you wanna know the real reason that most people cheat? Big mic drop moment. It is not because of you. The real reason that people cheat has nothing to do with sex. It has nothing to do with passion, and it most certainly has nothing to do with you. So if you wanna start understanding why they cheated so you can get your head around what the heck just happened and find those moments of clarity and calm and understanding so you can move forward, then you are in the exact right place. Stick around for this show because you’re going to have a lot of moments and a lot of understanding around why they cheated. In fact, the idea of why they cheated is so important. I’m going to break this down into four different episodes.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:30]:
Today, we’re going to talk about kind of the whole psychology and understanding why they did what they did. And then over the next few weeks, we’re gonna break down the difference between physical affairs, emotional affairs, single incidences versus men who chronically cheat. We’re gonna break this whole thing down so you can start understanding and feeling more safe and more secure in yourself and your future. Because one of the things that I hear so often from women is, how do I know he’s not gonna do it again? One of the things that women say all the time is, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when you really understand what cheating was about, it’ll bring you that sense of safety and security because you’re much more likely to understand, yeah, that shoe’s gonna drop, or no, it’s not, because you understand what caused the behavior in the first place. And again, it was not you. But before we get into the show, welcome. I am Lora Cheadle, and I’m equal parts really, really glad you found me and really, really sad that you found me.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:54]:
I am an attorney and betrayal recovery coach, and I’m a little bit different than most because I believe fully with every fiber of my being that the real tragedy of betrayal is not the betrayal itself. I believe the real tragedy of betrayal is when we, as women, allow that betrayal to define us instead of refine us. When we focus on healing, we stay small. When we use this betrayal as a catalyst to step into the fullness of our beauty, our power, our strength, when we allow ourselves to flaunt who we are at our most glorious core with a level of confidence and self assurance that we have never had before, that’s the sacred gift of betrayal. And I believe that although this is the most difficult journey I have ever been on and probably the most difficult journey you’ll ever be on as well, that the gifts on the other side are so worth it. This is a sacred calling. This is a sacred mission, And I invite you, as painful as it is, as difficult as it is, to fully step into the growth that is possible for you on the other side. With that, if you’d like to know more, scoot on over to betrayalrecoveryguide.com and download my free betrayal recovery guide.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:36]:
It’s got five different tools that you can use right now to start feeling better. But, also, come back to the show and keep listening, and remember to subscribe and to like and to leave a review so other people can find out about us, so other people can find the hope that they needed. Okay. Let’s start this episode by talking about some of the myths about cheating, and let’s just bust those myths because I am all about truth, and there is so much misinformation out there. It drives me crazy. Okay. Some of the myths. They cheated because they weren’t getting something at home because, oh my God, she was so preoccupied with the kids because she ignored me because she let herself go because she was frigid because she blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:30]:
Oh my God, no. The reason they cheated had nothing to do with what they were or were not getting at home. It had nothing to do with what you were or weren’t doing at home. We’ll talk about that more later, but that is not a thing. The second myth around cheating is, oh, it was just sex. It was meaningless. I didn’t really mean it. That’s just not a big deal.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:57]:
I’m sorry. It is a big deal. I do understand on the one hand how when people cheat, the sex is meaningless because it is cheap and meaningless. But what they did to you was not meaningless. And that’s one of the things I really wanna focus on is pulling apart those two different things. When your partner cheated, no. It was not deep intimate lovemaking. It was some pretty cheap sex.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:29]:
But the impact of that cheap sex on you is what mattered. There was definitely a disconnect between impact and intent, and what matters is what you felt. What matters is the impact on you, not their intent. And the number three top reason that I really want to bust is, they were just weak. They were just lonely. That whole poor me. I am the victim. I am the hen packed husband, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:09]:
Your husband, your partner is a grown adult. They’re in charge of themselves and their emotions. Alcohol doesn’t make them do it. Being sad doesn’t make them do it. Those are such invalid excuses. And we as a society sometimes we sometimes act as if men are all just overgrown little boys, and that they can’t help themselves, and they have no personal responsibility. Hence, dress codes for women. Women have to control themselves because poor men can’t control themselves.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:46]:
And that’s even though that’s a cultural narrative, your marriage does not have to follow that. And in my opinion, it shouldn’t follow that. You are both adults. You are both in charge of yourself, and you can both start or stop behavior. So if it’s not cheating because they’re not getting something at home, if it’s not cheating because, oh, they could nounce themselves and they were just so weak and lonely, and if it’s not cheating because, oh, it was just meaningless, and all men just like to go sow their wild oats. What is it about? Okay. Let me talk about that. Cheating is about pain.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:26]:
Cheating is 100% always, always, always about pain. It’s about avoiding the self and not being able to identify what’s happening in yourself or how to fix it. It’s about not knowing how to address your past wounds and not wanting to see yourself. There’s this huge component of men cheat when they wanna avoid themselves. Now stick with me on this because you’re probably going, what? Men cheat because they wanna avoid themselves? I don’t understand what you’re meaning, Laurie. You sound nuts. Okay. We have emotions.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:10]:
We have comfortable and uncomfortable emotions. And when we are experiencing something that is not quite comfortable, when we’re sad, when we’re lonely, when past trauma is coming up and triggering us, we have all of these uncomfortable emotions that we need to do something with. A psychologically healthy person can identify. I’m feeling intense levels of shame. I’m feeling intense levels of fear. I am feeling old and ugly. I’m having a midlife crisis. I’m feeling like my life has been worthless.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:45]:
I am having flashbacks to the trauma that I experienced growing up, and I’m not sure what to do with it or how to process it. I have a mother wound. I have a father wound. All of these uncomfortable things come up, and psychologically healthy people can identify maybe it’ll take a while. Maybe they need some help, but then they they can identify what it is coming up, and this is the important part, express it and use some healthy tools to let them process that. For example, if I and I think you can relate to this. If I’m starting to feel old and ugly, if I’m starting to feel like my life has passed me by, if I’m having one of those days where I look back with regret over, oh my gosh. I lost my temper with my kids, and I left this job, and I probably shouldn’t have, and what was going on with that? And I was a bad friend, and I let this go.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:47]:
You know, those times when you go back and you replay all of the bad things that you’ve ever done in your life, and then you start hearing those voices in your head. You’re never gonna amount to anything, and how could you have been so stupid. When you’re having a time like that and you’re starting to spiral, what are some of the things that you might do? You might call a friend. I call my bestie, and I’m like, oh my god. I was so worried. What are we gonna do? And you vent, and you talk about it. You might be like, I need a mental health day. I’m taking the day off.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:21]:
I’m gonna go walk around the park. I’m gonna go shopping and take myself out to lunch. Maybe even a little bit of retail therapy is gonna fix this. Maybe get a massage. We do things, go to the gym, work out. Sometimes we journal. Who here has ever gone in the shower and cried? Yeah. Or sat in their car and listened to sad songs and cried.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:50]:
Who has ever, like, rage worked out? Those are all tools that we use. Breath work, meditation, calling friends, shopping, having lunch, self care, going to the spa, having a massage. Like, those are all tools that we use to make ourselves feel better when we’re in that really weird phase. Now to be fair, something else we might do, and I’ll tap more into this a little bit later, but something else we might do is get attention from other people. That can take many forms. That can just be, I need to call my friends and they need to call me right back. That might mean when you’re walking around the lake because you’re taking a mental health day and you smile at people, they smile back and you’re like, oh, that feels so good. And then this also feels really good.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:48]:
You’re walking around during your mental health day. You see the cutest man over there walking his dog, and you’re like, woohoo, what a hottie. And you smile and he smiles back and you’re like, ah, that felt so good. That’s normal. That’s healthy. That’s what we do to meet ourselves. We know we’ve got some things going on. We use some healthy tools to make ourselves feel better.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:21]:
Sometimes we feel better by that evening. Sometimes the next day we still wake up and we’re like, I’m in another funk. Okay. I’ll show up at work. I will power through, but, oh my god, I can’t wait for the weekend because I really just wanna lay here in bed and binge watch Netflix with a box of cookies. Not quite as healthy of a coping mechanism, but we’re aware that that’s what we need, and we’re managing ourselves. We’re meeting ourselves. We are not avoiding the pain, the fear, the stress, the anxiety.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:57]:
Or we might reach out to a therapist, to a counselor. We might go to church. We might hire a coach. We might need a professional because we’re like, oh my gosh, it’s been two months and I can’t shake this. I have tried every tool that I know and I still feel so worthless. I need help. So cheating is an avoidance of the self. It’s a coping mechanism.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:30]:
It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. Cheating is something that many men do. Women too, but just for generalization, for purposes of the show, it’s just easier to talk about men cheating and women being cheated on because otherwise, it’s just always he, her, she, them, they. It can be same sex. It can be, different sexes. You pick the scenario. This is the psychological reason behind why people cheat. They cheat because they are avoiding themselves.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:05]:
They cheat because they are in pain. They cheat because they know there is so much more pain just under the surface, and they don’t wanna feel it. They don’t wanna feel it more than anything in the world. And they maybe have tried some other things or maybe not, but for some reason in their head, they think cheating is going to solve their problem and take away the pain. And here’s where it gets a little bit twisted. So often when somebody is in intense pain, they are aware that this intense pain, their psychological issues could destroy their marriage. Stay with me here. So in an attempt to save their marriage, they cheat.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:54]:
What? Yes. In an attempt to save their marriage, in an attempt to spare you the pain of their psychological disquiet, they cheat. Does that make sense? Yes and no. It doesn’t make sense that cheating would save their marriage. But when you’re in that place of desperation, where there is that much pain just under the surface, we have a very strong survival instinct. And sometimes that survival instinct is get this pain to go away so I can preserve my family. Get this pain to go away so I can show up and preserve this relationship. And I know that’s a big one.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:52]:
And I wanna just pause and let you sit with that for a moment. Because on the one hand, it makes perfect sense. I know. Right? And on the other hand, it’s so convoluted. It makes you put your head in your hands and shake your head. So yeah. Cheating is always about pain. Number one reason people cheat is to avoid themselves because they think can’t face their pain.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:21]:
They can’t face their emotional turmoil. They don’t know what to do to feel better. And it’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. The second part of that, and we touched on this a little bit earlier, is the need for validation. The need, this unquenchable need for validation. Oh my God. Why do we need validation? We all like it. It feels good for all of us.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:56]:
But when we have a healthy self esteem, when we know who we are, when we have unconditional positive regard for ourselves, when we’re able to be like, yeah. I can make mistakes, and I’m still a worthy valuable person. We don’t need a constant level of validation. When we don’t have a strong healthy self-concept, when we have a background of poverty, trauma, abuse, when we have grown up feeling less than, we had critical a critical mother, screamer father, something like that. There is something in us that, instead of filling ourselves up from the inside, seeks that externally. Men and women are different here. Speaking about our culture, men have what’s called performance based self esteem. If you are good at sports, you are worthy.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:02]:
Period. Are you a good football player? You’re worthy. Are you good at soccer? You’re worthy. You didn’t make the cut on the baseball team? Dang. You suck. Do you make a lot of money and you’re a good, provider for your family? Yay. You’re worth it. Are you really struggling to make ends meet and you keep losing jobs and you can’t seem to hold something down and save money? Dang.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:26]:
What’s wrong with you? This is especially true for men. You drive a good car. You get the woman. You have the money. You’re good at sports. You’re worthy. If you don’t, your man card is taken away, And you’re a wimp, and you are not worthy. Yes.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:49]:
Women have their whole separate set of issues. Ours tends to be around our bodies, our beauty, things like that. But men, it’s this it’s it’s different. And I’m not really saying one is easier or one is harder. I’m just asking you to note that they’re different. And we’re both set to impossible standards. But when we can’t get that external validation that we need, we need to either a, validate ourselves internally, or we need to start getting outside and seeking external validation from everybody that we can find to fill ourselves back up. Who tends to have really slow self esteem and self worth? People who have been through trauma, people with very difficult childhoods, people who have been through poverty.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:43]:
Also, a lot of men. Again, women have it too. It’s just in a different way. So how do men go about getting that validation? Oftentimes, through other women. Do they care about those other women? No. They’re just getting external validation because why? They feel bad about themselves. We all feel bad about ourselves from time to time. What do we do about it? This goes back to step one.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:14]:
We take a mental health day. We get a massage. We shop. For men who are unaware of how they’re feeling and have healthy coping tools, one of the things they do is they go out and they start seeking validation from other women. Then these other women tend to think this really means something, and then they lean in and they give them this validation, and it starts amping up and amping up and amping up. And then pretty soon, there’s this whole cheating behavior going on. And it’s very rare that the man sets out to cheat. Nobody wakes up one day and says, I’m gonna go cheat today.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:53]:
Using the scenario that I set at the park, you’re walking around the lake. You’re taking a mental health day. You see the cute guy walking his dog. You smile. He smiles. He says hello. You’re like, that felt so good. That’s normal.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:10]:
The next phase of that, it’s a week later. You’re out walking or you work together. This is a big one. And, oh, looking good today. Good to see you again. It ups the level just a little bit, and it still feels good. And it’s still within bounds. And you’re like, oh, this is so fun.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:30]:
And then you start looking forward to it a little bit. And then you see him again, and it’s, hey. Do you wanna walk together? Sure. I love your dog. We’re oh, do you always walk on Thursdays? I do. This is my time off. Then you start walking together. Then you start talking.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:47]:
Then it gets a little more flirty. Is this still in bounds? Depends. If you’re telling your partner, oh my gosh. I met this really cool guy with a golden doodle at the park. And he’s always been there on my Thursday walks and totally walked with him today. I just want you to know, you’re welcome to come walk with us anytime. That’s an inbounds thing. An out of bounds thing is when you neglect to mention I’m walking with another guy.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:18]:
I had this conversation with another guy. And when you start keeping that thing secret, that’s out of bounds. You can see how it can progress from there. Little hit of validation, little hit of validation, little hit of validation. Oh, you’re so good. Oh, you’re so funny. Oh, you understand me so much. I love goldendoodles too.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:38]:
It builds on itself, and it’s these little hits of validation that over time suddenly have crossed the line. Suddenly have been from, hey. We walk at the same time. Let’s hang out to we’re touching. We’re holding hands. We’re kissing. We’re in a full blown affair. And it all starts out as little pieces of validation.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:07]:
And over time, it builds, and we don’t know where to stop. We might know where to stop, but the cheating partner does not know where to start. But again, that’s born of pain. Do you see that they cheat not because of who you are, but because of who they’re not ready to be? They cheat because they’re not ready to meet themselves. They cheat because they’re not really ready to figure out how to validate themselves. Another real reason that they cheat, and this is a little bit deeper, there’s this entitlement ego split. That happens with a lot of men. And, again, so many of these are kind of interrelated, and it was hard to pull them apart.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:56]:
But the male ego is a very fragile thing. That’s real. I have a whole show on the fragile male ego, but it’s true. And men also have this sense of entitlement because they have historically been in the one up position. And, again, that validation, if you’re good at sports, if you make a lot of money, if you get the woman, if you have the fancy car, if you’re able to hold your alcohol, like, all of these, oh, oh, oh, toxic man characteristics, they get this ego, and it is this false ego based on how they’re supposed to be as a as as a man, As a powerful man. My husband had this weird, like, the most interesting man in the world. Those commercials were going on at the time, and he’d always be like, I am the most interesting man in the world, and I can take trips, and I’ve got this car. It would be like, oh my god, dude.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:58]:
Who are you? And I’d kinda laugh at it, but what I didn’t see was it’s not that he was becoming egotistical because he was so good. He was becoming egotistical because he was so afraid. Because he wasn’t stepping into what he thought he should be, because he wasn’t that full stereotypical manly masculine man. So he did this persona of how entitled he was to all of these amazing things to cover the fact that he felt broken, to cover the fact that he felt totally wounded and insecure. And, again, everything that I’m talking about, there’s the two sides of this because I know you’re like me and you’re saying, well, I felt that way too, and I don’t cheat. I know I didn’t either. I’m just trying to get you to understand why they did and why they did their real reasons for them. Having a reason and having an excuse is different.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:08]:
An excuse like, oh, I was just too drunk. Those are stupid excuses. A real reason. These are reasons. Why? Because I was ashamed about who I was. Why? Because I feel totally broken. Why? Because I have been wounded my whole life, and I have never been able to meet myself or validate myself because really, I think I’m a piece of poop, and I feel completely unworthy. I feel unworthy of you and our family, and I’m afraid, and I am broken, and I feel weak.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:45]:
That’s why people cheat. Flat out, that is exactly why they cheat. So when they’re that broken inside and society tells them they have to be strong and manly, there is a huge split between who they are and how they feel inside versus how they are on the outside and the persona. So when the persona and the self are so vastly different, there’s like this complete ego split. It’s truly like a dissociation of who they are and who they are. And when they can’t navigate, when the distance between the persona and the self is so vast, cheating is one of those things that tends to happen. Now I want to pause because this is a lot and I’m sure your head is kind of spinning because they all go to the same core. They all go to the same core, which is cheaters cheat because they’re in intense pain, because they hate themselves and they don’t know what to do with all of that.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:00]:
And they’re very uncomfortable with who they are. They didn’t cheat because of who you are. They didn’t cheat because of what you do. They cheated because they are not ready to become who they need to be. They’re not willing. They’re not ready. They’re not capable of stepping into their power and their softness and to make peace with who they are. I had a lot of personal understanding around this with my betrayal story.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:45]:
My husband comes from severe emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect, poverty, all of those things. And we met in law school, and he had just put his past behind him. And I’m like, yay. He put his past behind him, and he’s just grown through all of this. And he’s not gonna let this, you know, affect us. And I came from a very stable, secure childhood. My sense of self was very strong. His sense of self was very weak.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:25]:
Here’s the weird dichotomy though. As a woman, I was very open and capable of being like, oh my gosh. I’m having imposter syndrome. I don’t feel like I’m enough. I’m so worried about my body. I I need to diet. I need to work out. Like, I would express all of my insecurities and all of my fears.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:45]:
But as the man, he never expressed any of his. So then I never saw him as wounded because he had gotten over it. I never saw him as hurting because he had this great career. I never saw him as insecure even when he was losing his hair, when he was gaining weight because he wasn’t working out, when suddenly his joints hurt too much and he couldn’t play, intramural sports. I never saw that. That was painful for him because he never showed it. I just thought Sean’s this amazing rock. He’s just getting through life, and he’s just doing great.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:30]:
And here I am. Oh my god. My stomach is so fat. Oh my god. Look at my thighs. My hair is getting gray. I just don’t know about this with my career, and what am I gonna do? And am I a good mom? And am I a good I verbalized. I talked about it.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:45]:
I cried. But inside, I still really felt worthy. I really knew I was worthy of love. I really, really knew that. And on the flip side, he never complained. So I thought he was a rock, but he was hurting. And he was insecure. And he did not have that warm positive self regard.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:14]:
He had a horrible inner critic saying all the words that his abusive mother used to say to him. But as a man, he didn’t choose and culturally was not encouraged to be like, oh my gosh. I’m feeling this way, and I need a mental health day. And what’s going on with this? And I think I’m gonna cry. And he bottled all of that up. And when his level of pain was so intense, cheating seemed like a really good solution because a, it proved that he was man enough to get another woman. If you think about culturally, oh, oh, oh, oh, you go, guy. Go ahead.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:58]:
You get those women. That’s how men are validated. He also chose women who were way underclassy, way subpar, way not the kinds of people we would associate with, not because we’re snobs, but because we really had nothing in common with these kinds of people. So what were they doing? Ah, they were thrilled that a man of his caliber was paying attention to him to them. They were validating him up one side and down the other. He was their knight in shining armor. He was so far above anything that a they could ever dream of That they just buttered him up and gave him everything. And he felt incredible, which was not how he felt with me or with our circle of friends, because we’re talking about real things.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:02]:
We’re talking about growth. We’re talking about not that we’re complaining, but we’re expressing dissatisfaction. We’re not just sitting there buttering somebody up one side or down up and I can’t even say that. Up one side and down the other. So he got to completely avoid himself. He got all of this entitlement or, all of this validation. And then he could also lean into that kind of identity of being the entitled man to get all of this, which was this persona that kept him safe from his real self, which was the wounded little boy. Now what I wanna say, again, understanding and excusing are different.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:48]:
I want you to understand that this is this helps me under I understand completely why my husband cheated. When I see it from his story, I understand how he felt. That doesn’t mean I excuse it. That doesn’t mean, oh, you poor wounded man with childhood trauma. Oh, you poor wounded man growing up in a society that doesn’t allow men to be soft and vulnerable. No. No. No.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:15]:
No. No. No. No. I am understanding the factors that led to it. I want you to understand the factors that led to your partner cheating. But this is not about excusing them. When we excuse them and just let them off the hook and I forgive you, that’s not what it’s about.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:35]:
That sets them up for more cheating. We were talking about so many of the women that I work with say, I’m afraid it’s gonna happen again. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let me be blunt. If you just understand and excuse, the other shoe will drop. We have to go upstream. We have to go many rocks upstream, many steps upstream, and figure out how to do things differently. We are retracing what happened.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:09]:
How did we get here? Using that example of walking around the lake, seeing the cute guy with the goldendoodle that suddenly ends up in a full blown affair, Let’s back that up. Where were the points where we should have done something differently? Well, one, keeping it a secret. If you’re going to be with somebody, you need to tell your spouse. That’s a big one. Let’s back that up even more though. Why were you walking around the lake in the first place? How were you feeling? Sad. Vulnerable. I was on a mental health day.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:50]:
I was feeling fat and ugly. What’s gonna make me not feel fat and ugly? Oh, attention from a cute stranger. What else was going on? Oh, a midlife crisis. I was afraid the best of my life had gone gone by me. I’ve been raising kids and nose to the grindstone, and this has been really, really hard. And and I’m just missing the freedom of my youth, and I’m just missing all that excitement. And sometimes I think, is this it? Okay. Those were all the feelings that were going on.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:19]:
How do we manage those feelings? What are some healthy tools that we can use to manage those feelings? Yeah. Walking, other conversation, talk to your spouse. That’s a big one. Share them with your spouse. I would have loved Sean to have shared things with me that were going on with him. He thought he had to be the rock. He thought he had to be the big strong partner in our relationship. I would have loved it if he would have said, I’m feeling so nostalgic.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:49]:
I’m feeling so sad. Oh my gosh. What happened to me? Where did my hair go? When did I become a guy with a dad bod? I would have loved to have had that conversation, but he didn’t bring it to me. And it’s my guess that this is a very similar scenario with you and your partner. Go upstream. Go really far upstream. Maybe this does go to childhood. Maybe there was some sexual abuse in your partner’s background.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:27]:
Maybe there’s some trauma. Maybe there’s some neglect. Maybe it’s just that they were really impacted. Maybe they had a very strict father who was like, man up, walk it off, who beat them. Maybe they had a mother who was like, big boys don’t cry. Ask some of these questions. Have some conversation. How does that make you feel? If your partner’s like, I don’t know.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:57]:
Fine. That’s a clue that they’re not meeting themselves. I don’t know. Fine. It’s not them doing the work. If you wanna preserve your relationship going forward, this is some of the work that the men need to do. They need to start identifying. How does that make them feel? How did it feel to be berated by a parent? Get in touch with that pain.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:25]:
It felt awful. It feels shameful. It feels embarrassing. I am terrified I’m going to become that person. I’m terrified I’m gonna do to our kids what was done to me. It’s getting in touch with those emotions and it’s facing yourself saying I need help. If you look at the whole self help market, it’s predominantly females. I don’t know the exact percentage, but the last time I looked it up, it was something ridiculous.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:55]:
Like, 97% of all self help books, podcasts were listened to by women because men, quote, don’t do that. But men need that. So what is going to prevent your partner from cheating in the future? Being able to identify what’s going on inside, speak that pain, meet that pain, cry like a warrior around that pain, Take some mental health days. Go to a rage room with you. Get in touch with some of these healthy coping mechanisms that more women have than men. We have our girlfriends that we can talk to about a lot of the small stuff. Who does your partner have? At one point, my husband, in a ton of pain, reached out to the neighbor, and he had tried to have this real deep, hard to heart conversation. And do you know what the neighbor said? He said, you’re a bitter man, Sean, a bitter man, clapped him on the back and walked away.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:09]:
Yeah. That’s unfortunate. And, again, I am gender stereotyping, but men don’t often have other men support groups. They don’t have places where they can talk. My husband also had his brother. He tried a few times, and same thing, he was shut down. So is it any wonder that men who get shut down feel like they need a place to go and can oftentimes find an affair partner who can perform that role for them. One of the things that I hear people say is, but I would have done that.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:54]:
That’s what I said too. Really? You called this one affair partner all the time? Like, every couple twice, three times a week for fifteen years and have these conversations, why didn’t you tell me? I’m a coach. I’m very emotionally adept. People pay me to talk. And instead of talking to me, you’re talking to her? Are you freaking kidding me? And do you know what he said? Sit down for this one because it makes so much sense. But you mattered. She didn’t matter. If I crossed the line and said something embarrassing, she didn’t matter.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:47]:
I had never talked to her again. If I said something too deep to you and it scared you, and you learned that about me and my past and impacted you, you would have gone away. I’m not gonna tell you the big scary things that really matter. I could have risked losing you. Yeah. I get it. I don’t get it. But I also get it.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:16]:
That makes sense. That’s stupid, and that makes sense. The other thing that he said is, she would just agree with me. No matter what I said, she would just agree with me. You were the witch if I complained about you. Work was the bad person if I complained about work. She never held me accountable or responsible. She was always on my side.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:48]:
Yeah. That Lora, she doesn’t understand you. Yeah. That Lora, I would do better. Yeah. That Lora. Because she didn’t really have a stake in it. I would hold him accountable.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:04]:
Okay. If you’re feeling this way, let’s go to marriage counseling. Okay. If you’re feeling this way, let’s sign up for this couple’s program about reconnection. Let’s do this together. Okay. Woah. Woah.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:16]:
Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Back off on the job thing. You do have a career. We do have a mortgage. You do have obligations.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:24]:
What are some different ways that we can start resolving this in a thought out, thoughtful pattern where you’re not just walking away? I would give what he said, real advice with real accountability. And it would stress him out because then he would be like, yeah. I do have to do some work. Yeah. I do have to figure that one out. And that’s not really what he wanted. He just wanted to vent, and she was always on his side. She would make him the victim.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:01]:
Oh, you poor thing. Oh, you poor thing. Oh, Lora did that. Oh, the kids did that. Oh, your extended family did that. He had zero accountability and zero responsibility. And he said that just felt better. And it was just easier.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:21]:
It was easier to have somebody who never gave you any responsibility or asked you to do anything. No kidding. Wouldn’t it? And then again, so why? Because she didn’t matter, but you did, Lora. Because I didn’t love her, but I loved you, Lora. Because I needed to do everything in my power to feel better so I didn’t crumple and fall apart in depression and lose my marriage because I didn’t wanna you lose you, Lora. So I would call her and vent and she would bolster me up and then I could come home and be happy for you. I would grab the phone. I would go take a walk.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:06]:
I would vent to her. She would butter me up and I would come home and I would be happy and we could have a good evening. I know. Right? Again, it’s not an excuse, but it’s understanding what was going on in their mind. And it’s getting you to understand that it has nothing to do with you at all. Now moving to the end of this, I want to have a very clear so what. Like, so what? Why are we understanding? And does it matter if we stay together? Does it matter if we separate? There’s so much on both sides. First of all, it doesn’t matter if you separate and it doesn’t matter if you stay together.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:02]:
Having this understanding gets it off of your back. When you know what this is really about and that it’s not you, it sets you free. It sets you free from a lot of that pain, from a lot of that judgment. And I wanna remind you that this is not a breaking down. This is a breaking open. Yes. I know you feel shattered. I feel com felt completely shattered too.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:40]:
But this is a breaking open of understanding, not only of what’s possible for me, but a breaking up of an of an understanding about them and their psyche and who they really are and how weak and fragile humans are and the lengths that we will go to to try to preserve ourself. And it’s my hope that in some place inside of you, you can feel just some tenderness. Not tenderness for your cheating partner necessarily, but just tenderness for humanity and for how hard it is for all of us in a million different ways. And in order to build true intimacy, the tender parts of each other need to meet. And I know my tender parts. And like you, I try to keep them protected and safe. Your partner has those same tender parts. And in his desperate attempt to keep those tender parts hidden from view and to keep himself safe and to keep him looking good in your eyes, looking good in the eyes of his beloved.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:20]:
These are some of the messed up, warped things that he did. And when you can hold that as truth, because that is a truth, it can help. It can help you understand what was really going on, why the cheating was born of pain and of self preservation, and why it had nothing to do with you. Not to just let them off the hook, but in service of seeing them clearly, of them seeing themselves clearly, and then learning tools and skills way down the line of how to identify what’s going on, meet their own emotional needs, build up their positive self regard, their self esteem, their self worth so they can validate themselves from the inside, or when they can seek validation from you or from other loved ones in a healthy manner. And when they can start integrating that false self with the real self and become a whole integrated version of who they are, that’s how you know healing is taking place. That’s how you know they’re not gonna cheat again Because they’re fully integrated. They’re fully aware. They’re brave.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:59]:
They’re vulnerable. And you have allowed those vulnerable parts of each other to meet. And you’re forming an entirely new relationship, the vulnerable part to vulnerable part. And that’s the couple’s work. Your individual work is separate. And as I said earlier, it’s about flaunt. It’s about flaunting your life, your self, your heart, your joy. It’s about moving from the crumpled to the fully expressed.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:42]:
And all of the work that I do, whether it’s one of my coaching packages or whether it’s working with me one on one, weekly, monthly, whatever. It’s all based around this flaunt framework of how we can reconnect to our passion, our joy, how we can find that joy and that light, how we can find our sparkle inside. Polish off the rust, the pain, and allow ourselves to sparkle and shine. That’s the f in flaunt. The l is about laughing. How can we reconnect to our laughter? How can we calm our nervous systems through laughter, through joy, through that complete knowingness that we are living on purpose? How we can a u, accept unconditionally that this part of our story happened. That it happened even though we never thought this was gonna happen to us because, oh my god, how could this happen to me that it happened and that we can integrate that story and move forward, that we can end navigate the steps of our journey with clarity, with calm, with self compassion for the mistakes that we will inevitably make. And that ultimately, we can t trust in our truth, trust in who we are, knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how many shoes drop or don’t drop, we’re connected to our our intuition.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:30]:
We’re connected to our soul. We have learned lessons. We have embraced these sacred gifts and that we are living in full alignment with who we are. Breaking open is not a breaking down. They cheated not because of you, but because they weren’t ready to step up and become who they were. They cheated because of them, and your job is not to reclaim them. Your job is to reclaim you so you can meet anew and forge a new, powerful, strong, healthy relationship. So in closing, I want to leave you with a self reflection prompt.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:31]:
You can either think about it or journal about it. But what were you trying to fix that was never yours to begin with? What were you trying to fix? What are you trying to fix that was never yours to begin with? Sharing this information with your partner, having them listen to this show, having them start to self reflect and do the work is one thing. I encourage you to share this show to get them to understand how upstream they need to go. But it’s not your job to fix them. It’s not your job to unpack their childhood trauma. It’s your job to reclaim yourself. Again, wonderful first step is downloading the betrayal recovery guide. Go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:37]:
Download your free guide today and take the first steps. Now, the next episode, we’re going to talk about the difference between physical and emotional betrayals. Because not all betrayals are physical. Some are even more painful. Reach out. I am always here. Remember to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode. Drop us a review, like, share, and above all, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:24]:
And circling back to what I was talking about earlier, that oftentimes the person who cheats needs help. They need help figuring out how to meet themselves. They need help figuring out how to identify what’s going on. They need help with new coping mechanisms. I am a firm believer that the person who cheats needs therapy. They need to figure that out for themselves. And I’m also a firm believer that the person who has been cheated on the betrayed partner, they need coaching. They need coaching because they need to reclaim themselves.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:02]:
They need to rebuild their identity. They need to let go of the past, and they need to embrace the future. They need to reclaim everything that they let go of along the way and come back home to themselves. But oftentimes, they don’t need therapy. They know how to identify and manage and feel and flow and process their emotions, but their partner needs therapy. In service of that, I have partnered with BetterHelp. BetterHelp, if you don’t know, is an online therapy platform. They’ve got therapists in every different state.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:39]:
It’s completely confidential. You can switch therapists at any time, and it’s a great resource, I think, especially for men who might not be comfortable showing up in a physical therapist’s office. They can just close their door in the middle of the afternoon if they’re at work. They can close their door at home. They can even do it from their car on their phone. And I have partnered with them to give you 10% off your entire first month of therapy. So if your partner’s like, yeah. I need to start managing this and we’re gonna go deep.
Lora Cheadle [00:58:14]:
You get 10% off for your entire month. How you do that is you go to www.betterhelp.com, and then you do the forward slash flaunt, f l a u n t, another forward slash, and that will automatically apply that discount. When you go to that page, you’ll see my picture there. You’ll see the information on Flaunt there, and you’ll know that you’re in the right place. But a month of deep intensive therapy, a lot of good could happen. So betterhelp.com/flaunt.
Lora Cheadle [00:58:53]:
Tune in next time to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7AM and 7PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision seven radio network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.