What Every Betrayed Woman Wishes Her Partner Knew: How to Truly Support Her After You Cheat
“You don’t earn trust back by demanding it. You earn it by becoming it.”
When infidelity shatters a relationship, it’s not just about broken promises—it’s about broken safety. This episode is a direct message to the betraying partner: If you cheated and still want to save the relationship, here’s what your partner actually needs from you.
Betrayal recovery coach Lora Cheadle goes deep into the emotional, psychological, and spiritual terrain of healing after betrayal. With honesty, compassion, and no sugarcoating, she breaks down how to hold space for your partner’s pain without spiraling into shame, how to rebuild safety through steady presence—not perfect words—and how to become the kind of partner who is safe to love again.
Whether you’re the betrayer seeking redemption, or the betrayed partner hoping your spouse will finally get it—this episode lays it all bare.
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TOP 3 TAKEAWAYS:
- Shame isn’t healing—it’s hiding. Collapsing into shame makes your partner carry both their pain and yours. Stay grounded in guilt, not paralyzed by shame.
- Your presence is the repair. You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You just have to stay when it gets hard—and keep showing up.
- There is no timeline for their healing. Rushing your partner or asking “Aren’t you over it yet?” delays trust. Healing takes the time it takes.
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About Lora:
Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt is a betrayal recovery coach, attorney, TEDx speaker, and author of FLAUNT! and It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal.
After uncovering her husband’s 15-year affair, she turned her own pain into purpose—helping high-achieving women reclaim their identity, power, and joy.
A trauma-aware coach, somatic therapist, and former attorney, Lora blends legal insight with emotional and spiritual healing for full-spectrum recovery.
✨ Learn more at LoraCheadle.com →
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Books By Lora
- International Book Award, Finalist Motivational Self-Help 2021
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Are you tired of living a life dictated by others? If you’ve felt trapped by expectations and long o be free, FLAUNT! is the key to unlocking who you are, expressing yourself authentically, and choreographing your life your way.
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Transcript
Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Laura Cheadle [00:00:35]:
If you cheated on your partner and you really want to fix it, then this show is for you. This show is all about what your partner needs from you right now. I’m Lora Cheadle and seven years ago, little over seven years ago, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for 15 years. Years of our 23 year marriage with multiple women. And yes, we are still together. And yes, we are happier, we are more honest, we’re more connected than we ever were before. And it took both of us. I had to do a lot of work.
Laura Cheadle [00:01:20]:
He had to do a lot of work. He had a severely traumatic background and we both had to own and change things and show up vastly different for each other. Was it easy? No. It was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I know it was one of the hardest things that he has ever done too, facing himself. But what I also know is that it was worth. Was absolutely worth it. It was worth the time, it was worth the money.
Laura Cheadle [00:01:54]:
And let me tell you, we spent a lot. It was worth the effort, the energy, and it was worth that discomfort sitting with ourselves and facing all of the things that we did not want to face about ourselves. And it was, it was beyond worth it for each other. It was worth it for ourselves. And you know what, whether you stay together or not isn’t really the ultimate thing to focus on. I think it’s great when a relationship can work out. Absolutely. I think that’s great.
Laura Cheadle [00:02:32]:
But if you can also come to that place where you each realize that you are launching and growing into becoming a better human, into the fullest version of who you are, then I also think that that’s worth it. So please measure success in your ability to be present, to face discomfort, to learn about yourself, to show up for the other person and let go of that attachment to we need to stay together or we need to separate. Because what I want you to know, what I want you to know betraying partner is your partner is angry, angry beyond words and hurt and devastated and is feeling so much right now, so much Rage. So much pain, so much anger, but also like she’s been left behind and she’s desperately trying to catch up. I don’t know how long it’s been since you cheated, but you’ve known about it all along and she hasn’t. And part of her feelings, part of her triggers, part of her anger and rage is desperation to try to catch up. Because let me tell you this, we don’t want to be left behind. We don’t want to be left in the dark.
Laura Cheadle [00:04:06]:
We don’t want any of that. And while there’s absolutely rage over the emotions, the sex, whatever, there’s also a real deep, guttural, sacred rage over just not knowing. It’s an ancestral rage. Because for too long, women haven’t been told what’s up. Women have been kept in the dark. And the rage that your partner, your wife, is tapping into, does it have to do with you? Of course it has to do with you. But it also has to do with this sacred rage, this ancestral rage. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.
Laura Cheadle [00:04:48]:
But it’s the rage of generations of women, generation upon generation of women who have been lied to, manipulated, kept in the dark, and most importantly, who have had their choices taken away. And when you realize the power of that anger and of that rage, it can make you, as the betraying partner, want to run away. I get that. But what I want you to know is together you can heal. And again, whether you stay together or not is not the issue. But can you stand in your power? And can you take the fire of that sacred rage of generation upon generation of women who have had their sovereignty denied, who have had their choices and their power taken away? And can you be man enough to hold that, to drop into your own heart and ultimately receive what you want to receive as well, which for most of you is a happy, healthy, loving, bonded, authentic relationship with your wife. So if you can relate, then this is absolutely the show for you. You have betrayed her.
Laura Cheadle [00:06:28]:
It doesn’t matter if it was sex, if it was emotions, if it was air quotes, just lying or misdirection. The reason you are here, the reason you’re listening to me now, the reason your wife or your partner gave you this episode is because she wants you to know these things. These are the things that my husband, Sean, wants you to know. These are the things that he would share with you if we were sitting here together. And yes, we do have another show with him coming up, so stay tuned for that. Men are really good at fixing things. That’s the direction that men go in, they want to fix what’s broken. And the problem with infidelity, the problem with betrayal, is you can’t come in and fix this.
Laura Cheadle [00:07:29]:
This is a situation that can’t be fixed. In a lot of ways, it can never be fixed. And that’s actually okay. It’s one of those things that sometimes the breaking is what gives you the strength to go more deeply into what truly needed to be addressed. So the first thing I want you to realize, I want you to know is this is not yours to fix. Yes, you broke it, but it’s not something that you can fix. It’s something that you can own. It’s something that you can be accountable for.
Laura Cheadle [00:08:21]:
It’s something that you can make amends for, but it’s not something that you can fix. So if you don’t know how to help, if you’re filled with shame, if you’re afraid that nothing is ever going to be enough and that for the rest of your life, you will never be let off the hook, what I want you to know is you can heal, she can heal. And I think most importantly, you can support her in her healing. And that’s what I’m going to walk you through in today’s show. Because being the betrayer is hard. And there’s so much focus on the parse, the party who was betrayed, and there’s so much rage and blame that it really causes the betrayer to be in a very difficult position. And what I want you to know is I do have compassion for that. I do have compassion for you.
Laura Cheadle [00:09:37]:
I have an understanding of your situation, maybe not necessarily the exact facts of your situation, but. But I know that cheating is an act that is born of pain. I know that cheating is a coping mechanism. And I know that even when it helps in the moment, and often it doesn’t help in the moment, long term, you too are left with so much shame, so much pain, so much ick, so much embarrassment. And then it puts you in this really awkward position too, because you know that the healing isn’t all about you and that you can’t be saying, well, yeah, but I went through this because people will just ream you, but at the same time, your feelings are real. And I want you to know that in this space, this is a safe space for you as well. This is not about you being perfect. This is not about teaching you to say the right things.
Laura Cheadle [00:10:43]:
It’s really about your becoming just as much is as it is about her becoming. What is the kind of man you are becoming, Are you becoming somebody who is worthy of her trust again? And I think, most importantly, are you becoming worthy for yourself? Are you becoming the kind of man that you know you are and that you have always wanted to be? So, yes, this show is for you. It’s for the one who cheated. No shame, no defensiveness, just truth and transformation. So stick with me. I’m going to break down what it truly takes to support your partner and to heal your wounds. And this is a big one. How to stop making her pain all about you.
Laura Cheadle [00:11:46]:
So if your partner sent you this episode, good, it means she hasn’t given up. If your partner sent you this episode, it means she wants you. She wants us. She wants you to be a better man. If you’re serious about learning about becoming the better man, about becoming the kind of partner your wife needs now, you can book a private man’s coaching session with me. We can sit down together, we can sit down in a couple session with your wife and we can walk you through the steps and help you along your journey as well. Reach out Lora L O R A racheadle L O R A C H E a d l e.com or you can just click the show notes below and I will have the link where you can schedule your man’s session. Okay, here are the three things that I am going to talk to you about today.
Laura Cheadle [00:13:01]:
The first is it’s it’s not your job to be trusted. It is not your job to be trusted. It’s your job to become trustworthy. And that does not happen overnight. And that does not happen after a weekend retreat. And that does not happen after a month of going to therapy. This is a long term game. How do you become trustworthy? And we’re going to break that down.
Laura Cheadle [00:13:31]:
The second thing we’re going to talk about is how collapsing into shame actually puts the burden of your betrayal back on her. So how you can feel and process your shame, your guilt, in a way that is healthy, but also in a way that keeps it off of her. She needs to do her healing. You need to do yours. We’re going to talk about how to separate that and exactly what you need to do to start managing that shame. And then the third thing we’re going to really talk about is truly repairing, truly repairing yourself in your marriage starts by showing up again and again and again, especially when it’s hard. True repair, true healing is about showing up in those wildly uncomfortable moments where you feel crushed by shame, crushed by fear, terrified, embarrassed. And you Just want to get the heck out of out of Dodge.
Laura Cheadle [00:14:44]:
So that is what we’re going to talk about today. Let’s start with the concept of radical ownership. Radical ownership. Like I said, the top three things, your job is not to be trusted. It’s to become trustworthy. The second thing is how to manage your shame so you don’t collapse and devolve into shame and put the burden back on her. And. And the third thing is how true repair starts by showing up again and again and again, even when it’s hard.
Laura Cheadle [00:15:18]:
So the first part of this is about radical ownership. It’s about not minimizing what happened, because that’s what we want to do. I did it because I was hurting too. I did it because we had been disconnected for months. I did it because I thought you were going to leave me. I did it because I wasn’t getting any sex. I did it because you were too preoccupied with your job or the kids. This is not about anything that she did.
Laura Cheadle [00:15:53]:
The only way it is her fault, the only way that you can bring in her side of the equation is if she held a gun to your head and said, you will go cheat now or else I will shoot you. If that’s not the case, and I’ve never met anybody who’s that is the case, then there is no more minimizing and there is no more explaining. AKA blaming, AKA minimizing. This is about radical ownership. Yes, I did this. Yes, I made the choice to do this. It’s not I found myself. It’s not that it just happened.
Laura Cheadle [00:16:39]:
Nothing just happens. I made the choice and yes, I did this. Can you say later on some of the reasons that led to it? Yes, but you have got to start with radical ownership. I did this. Close mouth, end of story. I made this choice. Closed mouth, end of story. And that’s where it all begins.
Laura Cheadle [00:17:12]:
Once you have taken radical ownership, radical responsibility, her nervous system will start calming down a little bit because she doesn’t have to prove to you that. That you did it. She doesn’t have to prove to you that you made a really, really bad choice because you’ve already owned it. So you have just taken out that fight. You have just calmed the relationship, and you have put yourself on the same side as your partner. I know it feels scary. I know there is so much to say. I know that you never set out to intentionally hurt her.
Laura Cheadle [00:17:48]:
Or maybe you did because there were times my husband said I was so mad, I just wanted to go out and hurt you so much because I was so angry. But you still have to own it. You can talk about the reason and the why later. That’s later in the healing journey. For now, you’ve got to own it. Fully, part and parcel with that. The next thing I want to talk about is that that distinction between that guilt and that shame that pops up, that makes radical ownership very difficult. It’s really, really, really hard to stand there and be like, yeah, that was me.
Laura Cheadle [00:18:28]:
I train wrecked our life. I train wrecked our marriage. I made this decision. That’s really hard. What emotions does that bring up in you? It probably brings up guilt, and it probably also brings up a lot of shame. I hurt my wife, I hurt my family. I hurt my kids. Oh, my God.
Laura Cheadle [00:18:49]:
I don’t want the community to know. I want to talk a little bit about the difference between guilt and shame, because healthy guilt is healthy. It’s important to feel. It stops you from making bad decisions. It stops you from doing this again next time guilt says, I did something wrong, I made a mistake. And yes, I know that’s really hard for you to admit. It’s hard for any of us to admit. Nobody likes to stand there and say, I really screwed up.
Laura Cheadle [00:19:25]:
But that feeling you get around that, that’s guilt. And that is an important emotion. Even though it doesn’t feel good to feel, it is important that you feel guilty over this. It’s important that you feel guilty for hurting your wife, for hurting your family, for even hurting the other woman. That guilt is an important emotion to feel, and I want you to feel it because it will help correct your behavior, your thinking in the future. Shame is a different story, however. Shame is the emotion that says, I am wrong. I am a total loser.
Laura Cheadle [00:20:09]:
I blew this so badly. I am worthless. Shame is very corrosive. Shame makes you want to disappear. Guilt keeps you grounded and open. So what is it that you’re feeling? And I know it’s hard to identify emotions. I know it’s hard to feel emotions, especially if you’re not practiced at feeling emotions. And one of the reasons that men cheat honestly, and go with me on this, one of the reasons men cheat is because they are not good at feeling their emotions.
Laura Cheadle [00:20:50]:
I am guessing that you cheated to make yourself feel better, but that you couldn’t articulate what it was that you were feeling. You just knew you were dissatisfied. You just knew you were somehow disconnected. You just knew there were problems at home, whatever it was. But you probably weren’t good at articulating. You probably weren’t good at going to your partner Your wife and being like, I feel sad. I feel afraid. I feel not manly enough.
Laura Cheadle [00:21:23]:
I feel like. Like I’m aging. I feel like I need attention from other women. I feel like I’m never validated. I feel. I feel shame. I don’t feel like I am ever good enough. I don’t feel like I can ever live up to the standards that the world puts on me that you put on me.
Laura Cheadle [00:21:49]:
I know it’s hard, but now is your opportunity to start getting in touch with those emotions, to start realizing what it was that you felt that led you to the cheating. Why were you. Why were you attracted to this path? What was it that this affair partner did that kept you hooked? Was it the simplicity and the ease? Was it the validation? My husband would say that I always had an opinion, that I was always negotiating things, that I was like, no, let’s do this. No, I’ve got. Well, what about this? Well, what? I was always talking about things and negotiating things. And that what he loved about his affair partners, they didn’t live with him. It was just all, whatever you want. Do you want to do this? Sure.
Laura Cheadle [00:22:45]:
Whatever. They had their own life. So he’s like, there was never any pushback from them because they weren’t intimately connected in that way. It was just easy. It was just conversation. And all they would do is validate him. They never challenged him. They would just say, yes, you’re amazing.
Laura Cheadle [00:23:02]:
Yes, that’s great. Yes, that makes sense. They never challenged him. And what he would say is, while I appreciate you challenging me sometimes because you’re making me grow, it’s also really exhausting sometimes. And when I feel beat up at work, when I look in the mirror and I see my balding head and my belly and I’m not growing and succeeding at work the way I want to, it just felt really, really good to have my affair partner just say everything was great and to not challenge everything. It was this weirdly soft, validating place to land. And that, yes, guilt would come up and then shame would come up, but then he would push those back down and enter kind of the state of entitlement. But I deserve this.
Laura Cheadle [00:23:50]:
I’m working really hard to support our family. I’m working really hard to take care of things. I deserve this. And what Lora doesn’t know isn’t going to hurt her, because I deserve this. So this is about getting in touch with all of that? This is that radical ownership of. Yeah, I was selfish, and I wanted to be selfish, and I really felt like I deserved to be Selfish, because I was feeling a lot of pain and I couldn’t identify. Oh, I’m struggling with the aging process. I couldn’t identify.
Laura Cheadle [00:24:25]:
I feel embarrassed. I feel like a failure. So instead I just acted out this way to make me feel better. Having guilt that you did that is healthy. But having shame that I am wrong, I screwed this up, I am worthless, is not going to help you, nor is it going to help her. Because women are helpers. Women love to help women. Women’s helping is often seen as interference.
Laura Cheadle [00:25:02]:
My husband is always telling me, stop micromanaging, get out of my business. I can figure this out. Women love to manage things. So when you collapse in shame, when you move from healthy guilt to toxic shame and you literally collapse and devolve into self hatred and self recrimination, you’re forcing her to carry your pain too. You are forcing her to carry your self hatred. Or you’re putting her in the position of now she has to comfort you. You detonated the bomb and now you have to get comforted. And you know what? That is wildly unfair.
Laura Cheadle [00:25:49]:
Wildly unfair. Yes, you probably both built this bomb together, but you detonated it. And when you detonate the bomb, it’s up to you to own that you did that and to start cleaning it up. I don’t care if she’s following you around whining. I don’t care if. If she’s following you around screaming and raging. It is still up to you to clean up this detonated bomb. Yes, I’m sure you feel shame.
Laura Cheadle [00:26:20]:
Yes, I’m sure you feel guilt. Manage your own emotions and don’t put them on her to manage. And I know that might not sound hard, but that’s what this show is about. It’s about blunt talk. It’s about being honest. You figure out your emotions, you figure out what it is you’re feeling, and then you figure out how to manage those feelings so you can help her manage hers. Because, yes, you did detonate this, mom. And yes, it is up to you to clean up.
Laura Cheadle [00:27:01]:
Now this kind of leads to my next point, which is what to say when she’s in pain, what to say when she’s raging at you. What to say when she is crumbled on the floor and can’t get up. What to say when you think you’ve worked through things and you’re having this great dinner out and then suddenly a trigger hits and she flies off the handle. Here are some of the top three things never to say. Never, ever, ever say. I said I’m sorry. Don’t do that. Try instead.
Laura Cheadle [00:27:37]:
I know, I understand. It still hurts. And here’s the big part. I’m not going anywhere. I can handle this. It’s about holding her pain without trying to fix it, without trying to get her to headspace it and to see that it doesn’t really make sense. This is about you just holding it. This is about you being radically present.
Laura Cheadle [00:28:19]:
Don’t let your feelings of self hatred, of embarrassment, of fear, of sadness that you hurt her. That’s a big one. Don’t let any of those come up to the point that you have to push them in her face. Just. I know, I understand. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got this.
Laura Cheadle [00:28:49]:
You’ve got this. We’ve got this. Do not fix her. Do not fix her. Let her be where she is at. This is what it looks like to be trustworthy. As I said earlier, your job is to become trustworthy. How do you become trustworthy? Well, by listening, by managing your own shame, by taking radical ownership over the situation, and by simply offering your presence to whatever it is that she is feeling.
Laura Cheadle [00:29:38]:
Because here’s a truth bomb. What is going to make her feel safe is your healing. The more you heal, the more you can sit with emotion, the more you can talk about what you’re feeling, the more you can express your own discomfort, the more you can stay present in that discomfort, both yours and hers, the safer you become. And the safer you become, the more her nervous system will calm down and the fewer triggers she is going to have, the fewer rage incidents she is going to have. You can say, I am deeply sorry, not I told you I was sorry. You can say, I understand, I know how much this hurts, or I can imagine how much this hurts. I’m not going anywhere. Something that my husband used to say to me that was so deeply meaningful was, I will be here and I will fight with you.
Laura Cheadle [00:30:52]:
I will fight for you. I will fight with you. But I’m right here and we have got this together. What I recommend when I work with men is memorizing some of those phrases. Memorizing them because when your partner gets triggered, it’s going to trigger you. When she becomes dysregulated, it’s going to trigger you. Not only because we triggered when we’re next to another person who is dysregulated, but because inside we go into that shame spiral of, oh, my God, I caused this. When you memorize and practice some of these phrases, I’m here.
Laura Cheadle [00:31:41]:
I can imagine how much this hurts. I’VE got you. I’ll fight for you. I’ll fight with you. We’re together. You can even ask your wife, what is it that you need to hear? And then write it down and memorize it, because speaking the words will help keep you out of a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Because you’ll know you’re safe. Because that’s the thing.
Laura Cheadle [00:32:05]:
And that’s what’s so frustrating about this whole affair. Recovery. Your wife is in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. She is literally in a state of terror. Her nervous system thinks this is a life or death situation. Her nervous system thinks she might die, so it is doing everything in its power to protect her, which can include raging and breaking plates and kicking things and shredding photos. I’ve seen it all, trust me. And when we are around somebody who is in that much rage, we are not safe.
Laura Cheadle [00:32:47]:
So then it puts our nervous system on edge. And then we’re both out of the prefrontal cortex, which is the rational, reasonable thinking portion of our brain, and we’re back in the amygdala and we’re. It’s. It’s a part. It’s a party. It’s a bad party because we’re both in survival mode. And that’s when things really devolve and we start attacking each other and we start hurting each other and we start defending and blaming because we just want to keep ourselves safe. So by memorizing some responses, it can help keep you in that prefrontal cortex, because instead of being in that place of fear, I’m going to get left.
Laura Cheadle [00:33:29]:
I’m going to get hit. I’m going to get yelled at. It keeps us up here. What do I need to say? I’ve memorized my lines. What else do I say? How do I own this? What do I say? Is this guilt or shame that’s coming up? It keeps us logical and it helps keep us out of a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Now, the other thing that I really want to say about this is the second you notice yourself devolving, the second you feel like I’m going to start yelling back or I’m going to start saying it’s your fault because you did this and you’re not perfect, the second you find yourself moving down that slippery slope, please, for the love of God, call a timeout, go take a walk. Don’t just storm out the door. Let your partner know I am about to lose it.
Laura Cheadle [00:34:26]:
I am out of feeling, out of control. I will be back. I’m going to go walk around the block again. Magic words. I will be back. I’m going to walk around the block. I want to keep us both safe. So I’m gonna go in my den and watch an episode of whatever.
Laura Cheadle [00:34:47]:
I am going to go in the bedroom. We can discuss this a little bit later. Because I want to keep us both safe. And right now, I feel like I’m about to lose it again. Magic words. Memorize these phrases. Use your own words, of course, but memorize these phrases and get out of there. Because part of the job of healing.
Laura Cheadle [00:35:10]:
Here’s a secret. Here’s a total secret. Whole masculine, feminine dance. Her job is to push you to the point of breaking. Her job in healing is to push you to the point of breaking. And when you break, that’s when you lose. That’s when she sees you as not safe because you can’t take it. So the more she pushes and the stronger you are, that’s where you win.
Laura Cheadle [00:35:39]:
The more she pushes and the stronger you are. That’s where you win. Do not devolve. Separate yourself. Breathe. Take a walk. Go watch an episode of something. Call a time out.
Laura Cheadle [00:36:02]:
You can come back together in an hour, the next morning, in 24 hours. Please don’t make it go beyond 24 hours. If you can get back to her within 24 hours. But this is your masculine strength. This is you not being rocked. I can take your storm. I caused this. I can take your storm.
Laura Cheadle [00:36:26]:
I can take your rage, your anger. And I am here, and I will fight with you. And I will hold you. And right now, I need to keep us both safe. So I am stepping away. This is called boundaries. Notice it is not. You need to back off.
Laura Cheadle [00:36:40]:
You need to be quiet. You need to. It is you. State what you need to keep you safe. State what you need to keep both of you safe. Assume she is already out of control the second she’s triggered. She’s not in her prefrontal cortex. You need to be the man.
Laura Cheadle [00:37:02]:
You need to be the proverbial man. You need to be the leader through recovery. You need to be the leader through recovery. I hear you. I feel you. I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got this. Wow.
Laura Cheadle [00:37:22]:
In order to keep us safe, I need to step away for a bit. In order to keep us safe, I am going to go here, and we can continue this conversation a little bit later because I don’t want to lose my cool. I don’t want to create any more damage. I don’t want to create any more ruptures. I have created enough damage and I am not going to create anymore. Whoa. Do you know what your wife is going to be like if you say that and mean it? I have created enough damage and I am not going to create anymore. So I am going to step away and we can continue this conversation when we’re both a little bit more under control, when we’ve had something to eat, when we’ve had a good night’s sleep, when we’ve got the capacity.
Laura Cheadle [00:38:17]:
Because I love you and I am not creating any more damage. That is your sacred promise to her. That is what is going to keep her feeling safe. That is how you rebuild trust. By refusing to create any more damage. Is that something that you have in you? Can you complete that task of steadfastly refusing to create any more damage in your relationship to create the boundaries for yourself, for yourself to keep her safe? That’s a big one. That is a big one. And I just want you.
Laura Cheadle [00:39:10]:
I want you to kind of sit with that for a second. Feel that. Because here’s what I want you to know. You don’t earn trust back by demanding it. You earn trust by becoming it. You earn trust by becoming trust, by learning how to identify and manage your own emotions, by holding powerful space when she is angry, by letting her rage happen, and by being that quiet strength and center for her. And by managing your emotions so well that you know when you’re about to lose it, that you know when you need to create a boundary to keep yourself safe. That’s what it’s like to be trustworthy.
Laura Cheadle [00:40:27]:
That’s what it’s like to heal. And that ability to create those powerful boundaries around you, not only for her, but for both of you, is going to make a huge, huge, huge difference. A few other things that I just want to note. I talked about this earlier when I talked about the timeline. And one of the reasons your partner is so enraged is she is struggling to catch up. My husband cheated for 15 years. By the time I found out, he had a 15 year head start on knowing what was going on. So I felt like, okay, now I have to rewrite every single memory for the past 15 years.
Laura Cheadle [00:41:23]:
I have to put it in a new place. Vacations, anniversaries, holidays. I had to take all of that time to go back and rewrite and to re see things through a new lens. 15 years worth. So when you say things like, it’s in the past, it’s over. No, it’s not. It’s in her present, it’s in your past. Because you knew about it all the time, but it’s in her present and she is struggling to put it all together, especially if it was a longer term affair.
Laura Cheadle [00:42:06]:
And I want you to know that along those same lines, don’t time limit her healing. Don’t time limit her healing. If you cheated for 15 years, does it necessarily take her 15 years to heal? No. But when you rush her healing, it’s about you and not her. When you say it’s been six months, it’s been a year, that’s about you and that’s about you not wanting to sit in the discomfort of her being sad or angry or hurt. Let her be how she is. Let her feel that pain for as long as she needs to feel it. There is no time limit on her healing and she especially does not want to hear that from you.
Laura Cheadle [00:43:01]:
Now, things that you can do or say that would help is ask, what can I do to help you move through this? How can I show up differently that would inspire more trust or confidence? What, what can I do? How can I support you? Ask questions, don’t assume, don’t make statements and realize this is very much in her present and it’s going to take her exactly how long it takes her to heal and that the fastest way through that is you being open, you being present and you asking questions. What do you need? Do you need to talk about it? Do you need to not talk about it? What do you need? Some things, some more things that I want you to realize is the power of consistency, transparency and having your own steady nervous system. If you have been doing coaching or counseling at all, you’ve probably heard a lot about consistency and transparency, but you might not have heard about the power of a steady nervous system. And we’re going to go through that in more detail. But I want to start about consistency, that is, keep showing up, do what you say you’re going to do. It sounds so simple, but I know that it’s hard. Something that men do all the time. The men of my clients always do this.
Laura Cheadle [00:44:52]:
They go through this whole D day, they go through this whole discovery. They’re on the path to making things better. And then it’s something simple like this happened for us. A woman that my husband had worked with that I was a little intimidated by because I thought something might have been going on. Messaged him on LinkedIn, he didn’t tell me she messaged him on LinkedIn and then it was like only two days later or something and he mentioned, oh, when blah blah blah, said blah blah, Blah. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why are you talking to her? And he was like, well, she sent me a LinkedIn message. It triggered me.
Laura Cheadle [00:45:35]:
It triggered me. And he’s saying it’s not a big deal. She was not an affair partner. We never had anything going. What is the problem? There is no problem except that my nervous system is on fire. I’m hypervigilant. You need to, at least for the first year, be so consistent and so transparent, even with the things that you don’t think are a big deal. If you’re at the coffee shop and somebody says something flirty, just say it.
Laura Cheadle [00:46:13]:
Just say it. If somebody messages you on LinkedIn, just say it. If you’re in the store and you walk past the affair partner, just say it. I know it might feel ridiculous, and I know you might feel violated and I know you might feel like you are being controlled. But here’s the thing. If you can get through that first year of being very consistent, keep showing up, doing what you say you’re going to do, voluntarily sharing everything, showing her that you are not hiding anything, expenses, contacts, meetings, everything, passwords. If you do that for the first year, she’s going to heal more quickly and her nervous system will calm down. And, and I want to be clear, it’s not do this and then she’ll get off your back.
Laura Cheadle [00:47:14]:
It’s do this so she heals, so you can build a better partnership. Because ultimately, the goal here, and I want to be very clear about this, the goal here is not for you two to be tracking each other the rest of your life. The goal here is not to be suspicious. The goal here is not to constantly having her check your phone and for you to feel like a toddler who is always being checked on or a bad guy who’s hiding something. The goal is to get through this crucial phase of nervous system activation. The goal is to get through so you can start building a loving, trusting relationship again. No, three years later, she’s not going to be checking your phone all the time. No, three years later, it’s not going to be like, oh, my God, I really have to say, because I walked by so and so in a hall.
Laura Cheadle [00:48:10]:
No, the goal is building enough trust and enough safety that you can be more autonomous beings. Not hiding anything. No, no, no, that’s all done. But it’s about meeting her needs right now and calming her nervous system down. Because nervous systems co regulate off each other. If I’m agitated, the people around me are going to be agitated. If the people around me are calm, eventually I’ll calm down. So when you and your partner are both hypervigilant, when you’re, oh my God, she’s checking my phone again.
Laura Cheadle [00:48:48]:
I am not doing anything. This is over. Are you kidding me? I don’t want to live my life like a kid being checked up upon all the time. And you’re agitated and then she is getting more and more fearful. Why did he change his password? What does he not want me to see? Why didn’t he say anything about that? What don’t I know about that? You feed off of each other and you agitate each other more. So learning to calm yourself, especially when she’s dysregulated, is going to help you both. Some wonderful language my husband and I have developed through this is asking each other what we need. And yes, I know sometimes it sounds a little clinical, but it really helps.
Laura Cheadle [00:49:36]:
The other day I had misplaced some jewelry and I had this panicked moment because we had just had some house sitters at our house and I had two back to back trips and I usually take my jewelry, it’s just a really pretty pair of diamond earrings and I take it to my parents safe just to keep it safe. Because it’s stupid to leave a pair of diamond earrings out on your counter when you have house, house cleaners or house sitters or anybody like that. That’s just a, that’s irresponsible. Right, right. Because I had these back to back trips because I couldn’t remember what was going on. I had this huge moment of panic when I went to put my earrings in and I couldn’t find them and my head started spinning and I’m like, did I take them to my parents safe? I knew I took them for the first trip but I couldn’t remember did I take them back and not take them for the second trip? And I just kept remembering my earrings sitting on the counter and the more I looked at and the more I couldn’t find them, the more stressed out I became and the more agitated I became and I felt angry that oh my God, somebody stole this from me and that I felt stupid. Oh my God, how could I have let myself done that, do this? And then I started feeling like I wanted to blame it’s my husband’s fault cuz he booked two back to back trips and he knows that would have been too stressful for me. Like I’m going all of these places in my brain because I’m dysregulated.
Laura Cheadle [00:51:06]:
So what I did is I called Him. And I said, I need you to regulate me. Just those words, let him know what I needed from him. I didn’t need him to start being like, oh my God, you were so stupid. What did you do? Why didn’t you leave him in the safe? Why didn’t you leave him here? Well, what do you not know about that? Well, what do you think you did? He didn’t attack me. He didn’t blame me. He didn’t try to problem solve. He didn’t say, let’s look over here, let’s.
Laura Cheadle [00:51:35]:
All I said was, I’m losing it and I need you to regulate me. And he came in and he regulated me. What do you need? And I said, help me look. And then he quietly helped me look. And then he said again, what else do you need? Do you need to call your parents and see if they’re in the safe? And it was interesting because I started arguing with him. No, I don’t need to call them. And he very adeptly said, let’s just figure that out. Let’s just give him a call.
Laura Cheadle [00:52:06]:
And guess what? When I called and my parents checked the safe, they were in the safe. I didn’t remember taking them over for the second trip, but yes, they were in the safe. And he hugged me and he breathed with me, and he did what I asked and he didn’t fight me and he didn’t blame me and he didn’t push me and he didn’t do any of those things. And in the past, pre infidelity, that’s what would have happened. I would have been like, oh, my God, I can’t find my earrings. And then he would have been, what did you do with them? And then I would have been, I don’t know. And then it would have been this blame game. How could you have done this? What would have happened? And we would have ended up both angry at each other and we would have lost track of the whole situation because we were just poking at each other.
Laura Cheadle [00:52:56]:
So I tell that story because I want you to know a couple of things. Nervous systems feed off nervous systems. I was more calm because of him. I had the language. You and your partner can develop that language too. What do you need? How can I support? And through that, you can become closer. You can become help mates. You can be the leader.
Laura Cheadle [00:53:25]:
It’s about you holding space, not defending. It’s about you creating safety. And with every safe interaction, her brain will start to rewire. It’s about understanding that her triggers, her rage, her intrusive thoughts. It’s truly a symptom of her pain. It’s not about you. It’s not a punishment to you. It’s a symptom.
Laura Cheadle [00:53:54]:
Let her feel it. You’ve probably been around your partner when she’s in pain, whether it was like childbirth or stomach flu or a sore throat. Her pain has nothing to do with with you, but you can help her manage it. My husband and I did childbirth education. Maybe you guys did childbirth education. But it’s all about how to support your partner who’s going through something really big. It’s not about leaning into your own fear. Oh my God.
Laura Cheadle [00:54:25]:
Blood. Oh my God. I can’t do this. It’s about how to support her. And that’s what I want you to think about. I as the betrayer. Yes. You’ve got your own healing journey.
Laura Cheadle [00:54:38]:
Please work with somebody. Please get help. Figure out why you did what you did. Figure out what you were feeling and how to identify those emotions. Figure out what happened before you did what you did so next time you can interrupt that pattern and you will never find yourself in this situation again. Figure out how to regulate your own emotions. But your job is truly to help her heal, and this is how you do it. Just like in childbirth education, your job is to support the birth.
Laura Cheadle [00:55:20]:
Your job is to support her healing. And the tools that we’ve talked about today are exactly those tools. Radical responsibility. No blaming, no explaining, no defending. Just yes, no, I told you. When are you going to get over this? Just presence, Allowing, being the strength to let her feel and then being the strength around your own nervous system so you don’t create any more damage for yourself or for your partnership ever again. Knowing how to walk away, knowing how to breathe through it, knowing how to get your own therapy, coaching, counseling, whatever, so you can up those skills. Letting her know, I am here, I am working on this and I am showing up differently.
Laura Cheadle [00:56:22]:
That’s how you help her figure out why you did what you did. You are not a bad person for doing what you did. You are not a bad person. I really want you to hear that. You are probably a wounded person. You have probably been broken in many other ways. You have probably felt a lot of shame, guilt, self hatred. You have probably felt some pretty toxic, scary emotions.
Laura Cheadle [00:56:57]:
And that’s probably what led you to make this decision and to compartmentalize how bad it was and to justify it. You are not a bad person. You can overcome this. You can understand yourself better. You can develop tools to identify those emotions, communicate those emotions. I do a lot of somatic processing so you can process emotions. I do a lot of headspace things, affirmations, meditations, hypnosis. There’s a lot of ways that we can process what we’re feeling in our heads, but then also in our bodies.
Laura Cheadle [00:57:44]:
You probably know how good it feels to, like my husband always says, hit and be hit from football, no matter what kind of sport it is. You probably know what it’s like to hit and be hit and how that can be so relieving of that pain, of that discomfort, let’s find some tools for you so you can feel again, so you can love yourself again, so you can be the kind of man that you want to be and you can be the kind of partner that your partner deserves. It’s not easy, but the more you do it, the more comfortable you will become and then the easier it gets. What so many people have told me is oftentimes the thought is worse than actually doing it. Thinking of all of the things that they have to do feels really hard. And then once they start doing it, like once they say it, then they’re like, that actually wasn’t that bad. I thought it was going to be much worse than it really was. Just remember, you don’t rebuild trust by defending yourself.
Laura Cheadle [00:59:16]:
You rebuild trust by becoming somebody worth trusting. You don’t earn respect by demanding it. You earn respect by respecting yourself, by creating boundaries to keep yourself and others safe, by owning things fully, by letting go of defensiveness and blame, and most importantly, by being willing to feel un of those uncomfortable emotions that you know you can’t fix, and by being strong enough to stay in something that you know you can’t fix, but willingly staying there anyway. Reach out. If you would like a session for you is the betray betraying partner. If you would like a session as a couple to help you get through, or if you just have any comments or thoughts about this episode, there was actually a lot here and it went deep. So listen, listen again and then maybe if you’re willing even discuss it with your partner as I always close the show, have an amazing week and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.
Lora Cheadle [01:00:53]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or betrayal With Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.