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Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
You are not going to wanna miss this. On Wednesday, July 3rd at 9 o’clock mountain, I’m doing a free workshop. My free workshop is entitled freedom from obtrusive thoughts, Freedom from obsessive thoughts after infidelity or betrayal. And we’re gonna spend an hour together on Zoom, and I’m going to give you strategies and tips and techniques to manage your obsessive thoughts. And you are also going to get a free hypnotic meditation that you can use to help manage your obsessive or intrusive thoughts. Now I’ve got it listed on Eventbrite under my name, Lora Cheadle, life choreographer. And again, it is Freedom from Intrusive and Obsessive Thoughts After Infidelity. And in case you’re like, I just don’t know where that is, email me, and I will send you the link.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:30]:
It’s free. Email me. I will send you the link. Lora, L0RA, at Lora Cheadle, L0RACHEADLE dot com. Email me, and I’ll send you the link. But you’re not gonna wanna miss it. Wednesday, July 3rd, 9 AM mountain, which is 8 AM Pacific, 10 AM CST, and 11 AM EST. So I can’t wait to see you there.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:02]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and today we’re gonna talk about 2 things. 1st, we are going to talk about what causes infidelity. Because until your partner knows what caused the infidelity, chances are high that they’re gonna do it again. And until you know what caused the infidelity, chances are high that you are going to have obsessive thoughts, obtrusive thoughts that you’re not gonna be able to, quote, get over it and move on because you haven’t been able to figure it out. And the truth of the matter is you need to figure out what caused it. And we’ll say way more about cause and control and all of that.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:53]:
The second thing we’re gonna talk about is why people cheat on somebody that they love. That’s something that I hear all the time. People will say, how can my partner claim that he loved me and he cheated on me? That makes no sense to me because if I love somebody, I’m not going to do something that hurts them. And we’re gonna break that down too because it’s also very closely related to what causes infidelity. But before we get into all of this, I have a favor to ask you. As you probably know, recovering from betrayal is really, really hard. It, for me, was the biggest gut punch of my life. It’s confusing.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:43]:
It hurts. It’s heartbreaking. It totally changes your life. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably also noticed that while there is some great information out there, there’s also some information out there that is not so great, that can really key you up and make you overly angry, or it can make you feel like you did something wrong, or it’s just not exactly what you need because it is served up by people who mean well, but they haven’t been through it personally, so they don’t know what it’s like. I want to make sure this podcast gets in the hands of everybody who needs this information. It is my mission to help normalize infidelity. And what I mean by that is not saying, oh, everybody cheats and it’s okay. No.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:46]:
No. No. No. No. It is not okay. What I wanna normalize is the experience of being betrayed. I want the whole world to know that it is not your fault if you get betrayed. You are not a fool.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:01]:
You are not stupid. You did nothing wrong. It, sadly, is a normal human experience. Everybody is going to be betrayed in 1 way or another, and it says nothing about you. And I want to erase the stigma around being the betrayed partner and start having healthy, normal conversations over what it’s like. We as a culture, we as a society, have started talking about so many important things. Whether it’s mental health, whether it’s racism, sexism, whatever kind of ism, ageism. We have started talking about and addressing so many more things than we ever have.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:53]:
But you know what? We’re still not talking about infidelity and betrayal. And, again, if you’re anything like me, you’ve had the experience where when you start talking about it, it’s like talking about death. People don’t wanna do it because they think if they talk about it, it might happen to them. And people have weird things to say when you start talking about infidelity, and you’re like, that’s not it. I want to have a conversation around what it is like to be betrayed. I also wanna have a conversation around what it’s like to be the betrayer. Because just like with so many other things, once we start having the conversation, once we start extending the knowledge, it’s going to help everybody. I know I wish I knew so many of the things that I know now way back then.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:49]:
I mean, first of all, hopefully, it could have prevented the infidelity or it could have made my husband’s mental health and his trauma impact less, or it could have helped me become more aware and addressed things along the way instead of just being so busy that I was bearing them. So, with that, will you please subscribe, rate, and review this podcast? The more 5 star reviews that this podcast gets, the more reviews that this podcast gets, the more that it is shared, the more people will find it, the more quality information will get out there, and the more healthy and accurate conversations we will be able to have. And, yes, I understand that sometimes you don’t wanna share a podcast about infidelity because it raises questions. But you know what? Sometimes it’s really important to share. It’s really important to put something out there. So, please, I will put the link in the show notes to Apple Podcasts, but you can also just Google. Name of this podcast, me, Apple, and leave me a rating and a review, and remember to subscribe. So thank you.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:27]:
Thank you. That means a lot to me, for my mission, and also for the world. So thank you. Okay. Let’s start with what causes infidelity. I’m gonna start by saying not you. I’ll tell you what doesn’t cause infidelity. If you held a gun to your partner’s head and said, go on and cheat, then, yes, you caused the infidelity.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:54]:
But short of that, you did not cause the infidelity. I want to make a distinction between concurrent causes or contributing factors and actual causation. You caused the infidelity if you held a gun to your partner’s head and said, you better cheat or I will shoot you. Besides that, no. Did you have problems in your marriage? Probably. All marriages go through problems. Did you do some things wrong? Of course. We’re human.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:30]:
We all do things wrong. We all get tired. We all get stressed. We all lose interest. We all get mad. We all have baggage from our own childhoods, from our past. Yes. Did you do things that hurt your partner? Absolutely.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:47]:
And that’s okay because that is being human. It’s okay to hurt your partner’s feelings. It’s okay to get it wrong. It’s okay to be tired. Like, all of that is okay. It’s better if you’re aware of that and then can start addressing it along the way. But even if you weren’t aware, that’s still okay. Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce? Because we don’t know how to do it.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:19]:
We don’t know how to have conflict and then to resolve that conflict and to make that repair and to move on healthily. Look at our political culture. Look at the news cycle. Look at all of this stuff, even going back to COVID around and anti vaxxers and all of this stuff, we have a very hard time settling with. Other people don’t have to think the same way as we do. We can make a mistake or they can make a miss mistake, and it’s all okay. We have a really hard time with that, and I don’t really know why. Because when you really start breaking it down, isn’t it much easier just to be like, woah.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:08]:
I was in a really bad mood yesterday, and I’m really sorry. And I need to do this to make amends, and here’s what I’m doing to up my own coping skills and strategies. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could all just authentically be instead of being like, I wasn’t in a bad mood. Well, the only reason I was in a bad mood was because you didn’t load the dishwasher and then you didn’t pick up the kids and then I saw the the because then it cycles into this fight. Just be who you are. Own your good. Own your bad. Admit it and move on.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:46]:
So that was a little sidebar in there. But what causes infidelity? Not you. Not because you gained weight, not because you were distracted with your job or too focused on the kids, not because you didn’t have enough sex, not because you argued about finances, not because of any of those things. Those are irritations that happen throughout life in any relationship. Anytime there’s a relationship between 2 people, there will be conflict. I don’t care if it’s your parent or your kids or your friends or your siblings, a coworker or boss. Anytime there is a relationship, there will be conflict. There will be rupture.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:25]:
There will be repair. There will be rupture. There will be repair. Those are normal natural cycles. It’s okay to be mad at somebody. It’s healthy to be mad at somebody. It’s fine if you mess it up. Just try to repair.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:42]:
Try to learn better skills. When I coach people, we talk a lot about strategies and support. Learn strategies. Get support, become better at relating. We were not taught how to relate. For some reason, we think that we are born knowing how to relate, knowing how to make repair, knowing how to do these things. We’re not their learned skills. How do we learn how to relate? We learn by watching our parents.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:14]:
They modeled what it looked like to have conflict, to have a ruptured connection, and to make amends and to repair that connection again. So I ask you, how did your parents do it? Did they do an excellent job? Did you learn conflict management skills by watching your parents that are top notch and excellent? Probably not. What about your partner’s parents? Did he learn or she amazing conflict management and negotiation and loving connection skills through their parents? Probably not. So what causes infidelity is truly the inability to know how to manage conflict. What causes infidelity? The inability to understand how to communicate, the inability to know how to manage conflict, to know how to sit comfortably when you’re in a state of disconnection or stress and then to make bids for attention and to meet your partner’s bids for attention and to be able to initiate repair and come back together again. Think about the moon, the cycles of the moon. It waxes and it wanes. Think about the tides of the ocean.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:35]:
They go in and they go out. Think about the cycles of the season. Trees leaf out and it’s summer and it’s amazing and then they die, and it’s winter. Everything cycles. We do not live in a fairy tale. It is not happily ever after. That is a myth. Relationship cycle.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:59]:
Our satisfaction in relationships cycle. Our ability to find common connection with somebody cycles. And that’s okay. So what causes infidelity is our inability to know that, to be able to sit comfortably in those years where we’re like, I kind of hate my partner right now. He’s driving me nuts. She’s driving me crazy. We are not on the same page right now. Being okay, being disconnected, having the skills and the strategies and the ability to make repair and to make find that connection again and again and again and again.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:47]:
Rupture, repair, rupture, repair. Now I don’t wanna totally go down the rabbit hole here. Yes. There are times with relationships when you make the decision. You know what? It is too hard and it is too exhausting to keep repairing this. We are way too different. We are on completely different pages. And then to make the conscious decision to separate.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:16]:
What I’m talking about is a normal relationships, relationship cycle. So what causes infidelity? It’s somebody’s inability to, a, be okay with that state of being disconnected, but it’s also deeper than that. It is their self esteem. It’s that they can’t be okay when they’re disconnected because they see you as an object to validate them. They see you as their source of happiness. They see you as their source of fulfillment. And when that’s taken away from them, they feel panicked and they feel lost because they can’t feed themselves from the inside. They can’t nourish themselves from the inside.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:10]:
So it creates this heightened sense of panic, which leads to fear that, oh my gosh. She’s gonna leave me. I am not being taken care of. She’s not meeting my needs. I can’t find happiness on my own. I need somebody else to do it for me, and they’re not doing it for me. And I feel like I am going to die unless I get it. So I am in this huge state of fear.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:35]:
What is next? Do you see how that cycle plays out? Things are getting bigger than they are. Things are getting worse than they are. It’s a normal disconnection because if you you’ve had a fight. But what causes infidelity is somebody who does not see it as a normal disconnection. It’s somebody who sees it as my source of joy is leaving me. My source of energy is leaving me. My source of validation is leaving me. My source of everything, my sense of worth is leaving me.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:16]:
And if my sense of worth is leaving me, that means I am worth less. That means I am not worthy of taking up space. I am not valid. I have nothing to offer and it sends them into a fear, shame, panic. What happens in that fear, shame, panic? All humans go into a state of fight, flight, or freeze. So what are they gonna do? They’re gonna fight with you. You’re already in a stressful situation and your husband starts picking a fight with you. Tell me if you know that 1.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:01]:
So many people say that. Looking back, every time he cheated, he was picking fights with me. Why was he picking fights with me all the freaking time? I was trying to do things normal. I didn’t have a problem. He was picking a fight. Look back on it. Chances are in your marriage, whenever your partner was cheating, they were also picking fights with you. 2 reasons why.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:27]:
1, they were in a state of fight. That’s what their brain was telling them to do. Their brain was saying, fight. I’ve gotta fight. Who are they gonna fight? You. You’re the enemy because you are not giving them the validation. You are not giving them the juice, the life force, the love, the energy that they need to feel whole because they are broken inside, because they have no self esteem, because they have no self worth. The second reason that they pick fights is a weird justification to cheat because and this ties into my second point about how can you cheat on somebody that you love? If they pick a fight with you, in their mind, you kind of then deserve to get cheated on and it makes it okay for them to cheat because clearly you’re being mean so you don’t love them.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:24]:
It’s toddler behavior. It is totally toddler teenager behavior. And you might be saying, Lora, that doesn’t make sense. No. It doesn’t make sense. But it does make sense when you think about what part of the brain you’re in when you’re in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. You’re in that reptilian survival portion of the brain. You’re not making rational sense.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:51]:
And I hope you can see as I’m explaining it. If you’re in fight, flight, or freeze, and if you feel like you have no self worth and somebody is gonna leave you, and you can’t stop them from leaving, then if you fight them and you make them leave, suddenly you’re not the 1 getting left. And it’s less painful to be the 1 that is forcing them away than to be the 1 who’s getting left. It is less painful for you to turn the person into somebody who is so awful that you’re fighting and pushing them away than it is to get left because getting left is being abandoned. And while nobody likes to get abandoned, somebody with no self esteem, somebody with no self worth, somebody who legitimately does not love themselves, that’s almost like a death wish. That is so painful. That is such a painful wound to be abandoned. So instead of being abandoned, they will fight you so you leave, which gives them the perfect justification to go out and cheat because they’re in a state of fight.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:15]:
I will fight you. I will reject you before you can reject me, and I will have the perfect excuse to cheat. Not because I don’t love you, but because I love you so much that I am terrified that if you abandon me, I feel like I’ll die. If you abandon me, I feel like I’m gonna die. So it’s better for me to fight you and to get you to go away and to reject you so I can save what little shreds of self esteem and self love I have. It’s sad. It’s really sad, isn’t it? And here’s what I wanna say to you. This is woman to woman.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:05]:
We’re having a little talk around this. This is what I wanna say to you. Sometimes people have said to me, gosh, Laurie, you have so much compassion and empathy for the cheater. Yes and When I can feel that sense of understanding, when I can feel that empathy and compassion, it helps me. I am not giving that cheater a pass. I am not saying, oh, the poor guy had a tough childhood. Oh, the poor guy had no self love. Oh, it’s okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:48]:
Go ahead and cheat on me. Go ahead and cheat on your your wife or your girl girlfriend or whoever it is. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying for me, having that understanding, having that compassion helps me understand and it humanizes it. And it helps me to see how and why it is not about me. And it also gets me out of my own sense of hate and my own sense of bitterness and my own sense of I’m never gonna get over this because this was so awful. So on the surface, while it might sound light, I have a lot of compassion and empathy for the 1 who cheats. It’s because that helps me understand and process, and it helps me on my journey.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:51]:
It’s not about forgiving and condoning. It’s not about forgiving and poof, forgetting. It’s not about forgiving and giving somebody a pass. It’s about helping me shift out of bitterness, shift out of resentment, shift into that compassion, but also it puts me in my power. And it enables me to take action that will then help me. Yes. I also take action that will help, in my case, my husband based on my understanding, but never at my own expense. Never at my own expense.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:39]:
It helps me stay in my integrity. It helps me do good things for both of us, but never at my expense. And that’s what I really wanna hammer home for you 2. I want you to have empathy and compassion and understanding why your partner cheated. Why they can still love you and still cheat? In service of you. But going forward, I never ever ever ever ever want you to put yourself last. I never want you to subjugate yourself. I never want you to tolerate anything at all that you do not want to tolerate.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:34]:
Because too many of us for too long have tolerated way too much and have given way too much compassion and empathy and understanding to men who are not willing to stand up and do the hard work, who are not willing to admit, who are not willing to acknowledge, and who continue to gaslight and lead us on and drag us through the mud when we are, quote, only trying to be nice after all I’ve done for you. So if you ever feel like you’re being put in a position where that phrase, after all I’ve done for you, is gonna come out of your mouth, you probably know that you are betraying yourself, that you’re abandoning yourself. So come back home to who you are and what you deserve. End of rant. So what causes infidelity is somebody with extremely low self esteem, somebody who is not in touch with their emotions, somebody who doesn’t know how to express dissatisfaction, they don’t know how to identify and talk about what they are feeling. They are afraid of being abandoned. They are afraid that they’re not going to get their needs met, whether those needs are emotional, sexual, validation, whatever. But another reason that people cheat truly is self sabotage.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:13]:
And, again, this cycles back to that low self esteem. People who don’t believe that they are worthy will self sabotage. Whether it’s a career or a relationship, they will self sabotage because they don’t think they deserve it. But 1 of the common things that I hear all the time is women will say, I did everything. I’m a perfectionist. I tried so hard. And it’s interesting because, yeah, didn’t we all? And that’s not what it’s about. And that’s a hard 1.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:02]:
Because the reason we wanna figure out what caused it is so we can do better next time, so we can change our behavior. Why do you want to figure out what caused the infidelity so it can never happen again? When we’re trying to figure out that root cause, we’re trying to gain some semblance of control. And the sad truth of the matter is we don’t have control over anybody. Anybody can cheat on us, whether it’s a lie, whether it’s sexual, emotional, financial, we have no control over what somebody else does. And we think the best way to prevent ourselves from being cheated on again, from preventing this pain, this confusion, this heartbreak, is to figure out what went wrong and then to do something different. I will never do that 1 again. And that’s why it’s so important for us to, a, truly figure out what the cause is so we can realize that it’s not something we can control. The cause is in them.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:23]:
The cause is their self esteem. The cause is their abandonment wound. Their cause is their inability to nurture themselves, to love themselves, to take care of themselves, to value themselves, to believe that they are worthy of you, to express their needs, to have the confidence and courage to talk about what they need. The cause is them. The cause is their insecurity, and you cannot control that, and you cannot fix that. And to me, it’s equal parts freedom and frustration. Freedom that this is not my problem to solve. This is not my issue.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:25]:
This is not mine. And to be able to breathe and relax your chest and open your throat and let that go, But then also frustration that this isn’t mine, and I can’t do anything about it. And if my partner wants to get help, they can. And if they don’t want to, they won’t. And if they wanna gaslight me and pretend, yeah, they can do that too. So that’s 1 of the things that people also talk about a lot is, how do I know that my partner’s really doing the work? How do I know that they’re not just gaslighting me? How do I know that they’re really doing this? And what I’m gonna say is, usually, it’s because they start showing up differently. I’ve heard it said that people don’t have relationships. Nervous systems have relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:28]:
So how are you feeling in your partner’s presence? Do they feel like a different person, or do they feel like the same person? Because the truth of the matter is unless they really start changing and addressing things, it’s not enough. Sometimes it’s not what they do. I really truly believe that most men who cheat need pretty intensive therapy. They need long term pretty intensive therapy. They need an understanding. They need new tools. They need new strategies. They need to figure out why they have such low self esteem, and that’s hard for men.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:17]:
They need to move into self love. They need to figure out their attachment style. They need to address their abandonment wounds. They need to address their mother issues. There’s a lot of work that men who cheat need to do. So this is where some of that patience and compassion comes in. What are you willing to tolerate? Are you done? If you’re done, be done. If you’re curious and want to stay for a while, get curious and stay for a while.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:58]:
Are changes being made? Are they sharing new ahas and insights with you? Are they crying and expressing emotion? Are you having deeper conversations about things? Have you learned new communication skills? Are you doing something like an Imago dialogue with each other? What’s changed? Ask yourself, what’s changed? And then how long are you willing to ride this ride? Because let me tell you, it’s a long journey. I, as you know, made the choice to stay with my husband. We’re 6 years out. He is still doing pretty much weekly therapy. He is still reading a lot. He is still having shifts in understanding. We are still talking about this. We are not talking about it in the same way that we talked about it early on.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:08]:
We are not in that painful heartbreak, bile in your throat, punch in your gut space. We talk from a much less triggered, much more calm place, But we still talk about it because he’s still unpacking his past. He is still dealing with self esteem. He’s still dealing with anger issues. He’s still dealing with addiction. He’s still dealing with abandonment and mother issues. And, like, he has made a lot of progress, but I am still impacted, I think is the right word, by some of the progress too because now he is talking to me about it and we’re having conversation. It’s different because I share what I think and I am not owning his treatment.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:07]:
I am not owning his treatment. His therapy is not my therapy. His therapy is not my problem. His therapy is not my project. His recovery is not my project. He is showing up differently and we’re having different conversations. Before I found out about the infidelity, I would try to own a lot of his problems. I would try to Google things.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:35]:
You have anger issues and you’re cussing at me and you’re way too abrupt with the kids, and you’re loud. And here’s things like anger issues, and here’s a book. And I would try to, in my frustration, shove it down his throat. We’re gonna do this program and we’re gonna do this and we’re I was owning his therapy. And guess who was crazy over that? Me. Because he wasn’t doing it. I saw what needed doing, and he wasn’t doing it. Dang him.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:09]:
Why wasn’t he just doing what I was telling him to do? Why wouldn’t he just let me fix him? That’s not healthy. That’s codependent. That is not healthy. And then when I’m owning the problem, he couldn’t own the problem. So that’s another question that I have for you. Who is owning the problem of infidelity? Your problem is your heartbreak. Your problem is your confusion. Your problem is figuring out if you’re gonna stay or go.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:45]:
Your problem might be figuring out finances, a new job, getting tested for STDs. Your problem might be a whole lot of things, but him getting therapy is not your problem. Is he owning his problem? Is he owning his solution? If he is addressing it, then wonderful. It’s easy to have compassion for somebody when you see them going on this difficult journey. Like, I look at my husband and I’m like, dang. Wouldn’t wanna be you. This is a lot and this is painful and I have compassion for that, but I’m not gonna own it and I’m not making it easier for you. I’m not making it harder for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:29]:
And if you ask for support, I’ll give you support, but I am not owning your journey. And I wanna be very careful in saying this. I did not cause my husband’s infidelity when I owned his anger issues and other marital issues that we had before. But that contributes to the problems. It contributes to the problems when you do too much. And it’s my guess that earlier on, you did too much too because so many of us do. So what causes infidelity is them having a problem. What contributes to it is you owning their problem.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:18]:
You trying to fix them. You trying to take it on. You’re not letting them feel their feelings and figuring it out. Now here’s another cause. Somebody is selfish. They’re impulsive. They have addiction issues, or they’ve legitimately checked out of the marriage, and they’ve met somebody else. Sometimes people want to find the next thing before they leave the old.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:53]:
If that’s the case, your partner is probably out of here because it was an excuse. Because going back to the root cause, everything in this show is about the root cause. Okay. They meet someone. They find somebody else. They move in with them. Did meeting that person cause the affair? No. What caused the affair, again, is their lack of self esteem and their lack of self worth, their inability to come to you and say, I am no longer happy in this marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:25]:
We have tried. We are different people. This is not what I want. Let’s separate. And then they go out and meet somebody. Instead, they need the excuse. They don’t have the integrity. They don’t have the self worth.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:37]:
They don’t have the self esteem to make a clean break. So all of these things that cause affairs, the root cause is all self esteem, self worth, self love, ability to value themselves. When somebody’s selfish, addicted, impulsive, what does that mean? Once again, a selfish person does not have high self esteem. A selfish person does not have high self worth. A selfish person is desperate, and they’re trying to pull in all of these things for themselves. They’re trying to build themselves up so they look cool on the outside. They’re trying to prove to the world that they are big man on campus. That they are special, that they are important.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:23]:
They’re selfish because of this huge fear that they will be overlooked. They’re impulsive because they have the emotional maturity of a toddler. Because they have not learned impulse control. Because they did not have good modeling growing up. Because none of us are taught great relationship skills as a matter of course. Self sabotage. Why do we self sabotage? Because we don’t love ourselves, because we don’t think we deserve something. Oh my gosh.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:02]:
How did I get this amazing partner? I really don’t deserve that. So I’m gonna mess it all up and I’m gonna prove to myself that I really don’t deserve it, and then I’m gonna blame it on my partner because I don’t have the emotional strength to say, oh, I was wrong. Oh, I’m afraid. Oh, I’m hurting. Oh, I feel unloved and unworthy. Root cause. Root cause is self worth, self esteem, self love, all of that good stuff. Even fear of intimacy, fear of connection, fear of being trapped.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:44]:
Why do people fear that? Because they don’t have that internal strength to manage it. When you have that strong internal core, it doesn’t matter what happens around you. The strong internal core is always there. And that’s what I want for you. I want you to understand the cause. The cause is their weakness. The cause is their inability. The cause is their pain.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:17]:
You can define or characterize that pain in a 100, 000, 000 different ways. But when you get to the root cause of that pain, it’s all that they don’t feel good enough. That they don’t feel worthy enough. And what I want for you is to do that same root cause analysis with yourself in this situation because it’s mere. The reason your heart hurts, the reason you can’t get over this, the reason because you feel broken and shattered is because you have gotten away from that strong internal core. You have gotten away from your strong internal core, And that’s okay. I’m here to help bring you back to center. I’m here to help you bring yourself back home.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:15]:
I’m here to help you remember and to ground and to center in who you are. Going back when I was talking about fight, flight, or freeze, when your partner cheats, they tend to pick fights with you. That’s fight. Flight is when they disappear. Well, I’m going out with the guys. Well, I’m going out to cheat. Well, I I’m done with this conversation. I’m out of here.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:45]:
That’s flight. Freeze is when they stonewall and they sit there, and they don’t talk. And you’re like, you’ve gotta talk, and they’re not talking. And you’re like, we’ve gotta figure this out, and they’re not talking. You’ve gotta go to therapy. We need to do counseling, and they’re not doing anything. So identify when they’re in fight, when they’re in flight, when they’re in freeze. Have some compassion for their state, recognize what it is, but also have more compassion for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:21]:
Identify for them, I see that you’re picking a fight with me. I see that you are overwhelmed and shutting down. I see that you are running away. Call it out and name it. And instead of blaming or shaming them, which is gonna drive them further into that state, ask couple of different ways. Do you need help feeling better? Or is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Or what do you need to do in order to make yourself feel better? What do you need to do in order to make yourself feel better? I see I see I feel like fights are being picked. I feel like we’re kind of in a confrontational mode here. What do you need to do to make yourself feel better? Not from a state of high and mighty.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:20]:
What do you need to do? But from a place of genuine curiosity, what do you need to do to make yourself feel better? Because oftentimes when somebody asks that, it’s easy to be like, I gotta go take a walk. I just need to lay down for 10 minutes. When somebody’s stonewalling, I can tell you’re overloaded. I can tell when you don’t respond that you’re overloaded. And then you can tell them what you’re gonna do. I’m gonna step away for 15 minutes, and then I’m gonna come back. Is there anything you can do during those 15 minutes that will help you process so you’re not as overloaded in these in in 15 minutes when I come back? So many different options. And I’m going back when I said to 1 of the options was you could ask if there’s something you can do for them.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:15]:
Here’s what I wanna say around that. Yes and no. Are you saying it because you’re gonna take it and own it? Because if you’re gonna take it on and own it, what can I do to make you feel better? That’s not it. But when you recognize with a state of compassion and awareness that somebody is struggling and you have the capacity and you have the willingness and you were doing it from a boundary place to say, how can I help? Is there anything I can do to help you? That’s fine. If I see somebody on the street in the grocery store overloaded. Just a couple weeks ago, I saw a mom with 3 kids and all you know what was breaking loose. And as I was walking by, I said, do you want do you want some help? Do you want is there anything I can do to help you because I’ve been there too? And she was like, oh my gosh. Yes, please.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:19]:
Can you just get this balance so I can get the baby back in the basket? And I’m like, sure. And I knelt down and I just started talking with her toddler. I’m not owning her problem. I’m not finding a solution for her. I’m offering myself up and saying, is there something I can do? That’s different than owning somebody’s problem. So if you have the capacity and the willingness and the awareness to do something like that, sure offer it. But I just wanna make sure you’re not owning their problem. So the love thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:00]:
When you’re offering something like that, it’s a state of human love. It’s a state of human connection. It’s a state of kindness, and it’s something where you’re standing in your center as a kind, compassionate, and caring person. And I talked about the modeling that we receive from our parents, and sometimes it’s not the best modeling. Sometimes modeling being in your core can also be good for your partner because they can see you as showing up different too. Because the truth of the matter is while they caused the infidelity and while it’s not your job to fix them at all, The truth of the matter is betrayal also uncovers the truth about you. It uncovers all of the things that you need to work on in yourself. Wow.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:59]:
I have some codependent tendencies. Wow, I have some perfectionism going on. Wow, I’ve got my own self worth issues. And I feel like I have to prove myself all the time. It uncovers those wounds in you too because when I was talking about, like, rupture and repair, none of us are perfect. And there’s no better time to work on yourself than when you’re recovering from infidelity. There is just no better time to work on yourself because the wounds are so raw and the pain is so fresh. And it launches us oftentimes right into the worst of our behavior.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:48]:
And it’s a beautiful opportunity to start showing up differently. Because while we did not cause the infidelity, the relationship contributed to some of the pain. And when we can show up differently, our partner will show up differently as well. When we show up differently, our partner will show up differently as well. And if you’re really hoping your partner does the work and your partner does the work, then your partner is also going to demand new and different things from you. And that’s a tough 1 because at 1 point, my husband came home, and he started talking about new boundaries he was going to establish. And I was like, but but but but but but but I’ve always run all over those boundaries of yours. What do you mean? And I noticed that I had to go through this cycle in myself of, you can’t do that.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:45]:
You hurt me. And then it was like, no. No. No. I’m glad he’s becoming a healthier, more boundaried person. And that means I have to adjust myself, and that means I have to move back to my own core, and I have to do things differently myself. And even though it’s a change and change sometimes can be a little scary, ultimately, it’s a healthier change for both of us. Because I do love him.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:16]:
I know he loves me. I also love me, and I want him to love him. So why do people cheat on somebody that they love? How can people cheat on somebody that they love? Because it’s not about love. Cheating is not about love. Cheating is not about a lack of love. Cheating is about pain. Cheating is a problem that you have with yourself that leads to behaviors that cause collateral damage. And does it feel good to be that collateral damage? No.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:56]:
It does not. No. It does not. But I can guarantee that’s all you were in that situation was collateral damage. And as weird as it sounds, your partner didn’t set out to hurt you. Your partner probably never truly thought through the consequences, which I know sounds really weird, but it’s true. And your partner probably really does love you. They love you so much that they were terrified of being apart from you.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:42]:
And that fear of being abandoned by you, that fear of not being nurtured and nourished and always the center of the universe from you is what weirdly drove them to pick fights with you, run away and cheat, or totally stonewall and shut you down. Not that I wanna turn cheating into the ultimate expression of love. That’s not what I’m saying either. But I do want you to have the understanding that when a broken person is hurt, hurt people hurt people. And the biggest person they’re hurting is themselves. And just like I don’t want you to own their treatment, I don’t want you to own their pain either because they are in pain, and it is not your problem. Yes. Have compassion for it.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:45]:
Yes. Have understanding. Don’t own their pain. Don’t own their problems. Find your center. Find your triggers. Find the things that you can control in you. Find your own abandonment wounds.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:03]:
Work on your own self love. Work on your own self worth. Reach out to me. Do my 6 month rise and reign coaching package where you truly can learn to rise up and reign as the sovereign queen of your own life, of your own existence. So you can really quit worrying about others’ pain, others’ problems, other treatments. Take care of yourself first. And then if you should choose to extend yourself in a healthy way, you’ll have the capacity to do that, and you’ll know when to put up a boundary and when to stop. If you want more information on the rise up and reign coaching package, go to a fair recovery for women.com and check it out.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:53]:
But in the meantime, sit with this. There was a lot. I hope your head is a little bit spinning. What causes infidelity? Oh, 10, 000, 000 things, but the root of all of those things is a lack of self esteem, a lack of worthiness, a lack of self what love. And why can people cheat on somebody that they love? Because they’re afraid of that love being taken away. Because they’re afraid of losing that love. Affairrecoveryforwomen.com. Have an amazing week.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:26]:
And as usual, always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

Narrator [00:56:36]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.