Post-betrayal transformation is NOT what you think it is! The other day I was driving to a venue I had never been to before. From the middle of a random parking lot, with no building in site, Google Maps announced, “you have arrived” to which I responded in frustration, “No, actually I have not!”

Although I eventually found my way to the proper venue, it made me think about the glorious moments of transformation we often seek but rarely find and how, when we do arrive, it’s not always as glorious as we thought it would be.

How many times have you achieved a milestone and felt strangely let down?

Or after all that work, nothing really changed?

Could it be that satisfaction lies in the journey, and not in the destination?

Last week, using the Stations of the Cross as an example, I shared a story about the journey of transformation and how the resurrection itself (the moment of transformation) wasn’t even an official station. Because transformation, no matter how stunning, only takes place in the present moment. Leaving you instantaneously in a space of, what’s next?

Going back to the Easter story, the actual resurrection was a private, quiet, and intensely personal moment that took place in a cave. There was no fanfare, no award, no stage lights, or adoring fans. It happened internally and was over.

What mattered most was the journey towards that moment of transformation, and the journey after transformation. The transformation itself was merely a brief, internal shift. A stopping off between journeys. What matters most is what happens next.

How different would the Easter story be if the resurrection was the end of the story? Jesus Rose! He did it! Woot-woot! The end. What is most important is the journey before and the journey after.

If you are currently seeking your own transformation, what would it be like to focus on the joy of the journey leading up to transformation, and on what you are going to do after your internal transformation? What would it be like to stop thinking of the transformation as the moment of glory?

It’s my guess that both the journey to and the journey from would be a lot more fulfilling. After all, where would I be if I had focused on my supposed “You have arrived!” transformation and stayed in the empty parking lot with no buildings in site?

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Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

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Transcript

Narrator [00:00:02]:
You’re listening to FLAUNT, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Narrator [00:00:35]:
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, and for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help.

Narrator [00:01:13]:
You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There’s a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp’s 20,000 plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus, you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know that confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime.

Narrator [00:02:08]:
Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp therapist. Special offer to FLAUNT, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at better help.com/FLAUNT. That’s better help, help, dot com /FLAUNT. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:51]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle. And today, we are going to talk about post betrayal transformation. We are going to talk about that transformation that you will go through after you found out about your partner’s infidelity. Transformation is not optional. I think that’s the most important thing that I want to say. You will transform after this experience.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:26]:
You can’t not transform after this experience. This is an incredibly significant experience that will change who you are, how you view the world, and the rest of your life. What you can control is what kind of a transformation it will be. And I wanna talk today first about the journey towards healing, the journey towards recovery. Then I wanna talk about the actual transformation. And then I think most importantly, I wanna talk about what you’re going to do after that transformation. Because if you’re anything like me, and I really think most people, we have this kind of glorified idea about transformation. Like, oh, I’m undergoing this transformation.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:24]:
It’s gonna be a positive transformation. It’s gonna be a negative transformation. What kind of transformation do I want? And there’s, like, all this talk on who are you gonna be, and that’s important. But how often have you really dug into that? How often have you really thought about what that means? What does it mean to transform? Because when you transform, you have transformed into something fundamentally different. One of my favorite examples, as simple and as silly as it is, is when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, the caterpillar dies. There is no caterpillar. It’s not just that the caterpillar grows wings, it’s different. It’s a different animal.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:16]:
It doesn’t live in the same place. It doesn’t eat the same things. It doesn’t relate to the same other bugs. Like, it’s different. It is no longer a caterpillar. It is a butterfly. And that’s painful in a lot of ways. Transformation is not for weenies.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:35]:
Transformation is not for the faint of heart. In order to transform into something, you have to let another part die. Like, literally, you have to let another part die in order to transform. And, oh my gosh, we’re self preserving organisms. We don’t let ourselves die. We don’t let the ego die. We don’t let anything die. Our minds will do what is necessary to preserve us.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:07]:
We all have an instinct for survival, and the instinct for survival keeps us the same. And you might be thinking, that makes no sense. What do you mean the instinct for survival keeps us the same? Here’s why. Are you alive? Congratulations. You survived. So your mind knows whatever you have done up to this point in time is enough to keep you alive. So your mind says, keep doing that. Keep doing that.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:40]:
It’s kept us alive. This is amazing. You have kept us alive. Good job. Keep doing what you’re doing. The survival instinct is not the thriving instinct. The survival instinct isn’t the live gloriously and be free and powerful and happy instinct. It is literally the survival instinct.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:04]:
So our minds will do whatever they need to do to keep us safe and alive. Good thing. But here’s the thing. If you’re a survivor of domestic abuse, physical domestic abuse, we’re gonna go for the physical for this example, and your partner keeps beating you, and you keep surviving, And you’ve learned this habit of placating and apologizing. And it keeps your abuser in check, and then they apologize, and you placate, placate, placate, your mind says, good.

Narrator [00:07:44]:
You’ve learned how to manage this cycle.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:48]:
You know how to keep yourself alive. Yeah. Good job. Keep doing that. Your mind doesn’t think outside the box that it’s already in. It views the things that it doesn’t know as unknowns because they are unknowns, and unknowns are threats. What would it look like to get a safe place to leave, to save up some money, to get a job, to have a support system, and to leave your abuser. Your mind doesn’t know, so your mind will categorize that as a threat and your mind will say, don’t do that.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:31]:
That might not keep us safe. And, you know, there can be situations where leaving is dangerous. I get that. But there’s also situations where leaving saves your life. And it’s up to you and your brain, the conscious portion of your brain, not the survival, the reptilian portion of your brain. It’s up to the conscious portion of the mind to make that decision. So that’s what I mean by the brain keeps us safe. The brain tells us not to change anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:15]:
So when you think about transformation, you might have these thoughts about how amazing things could be and about what that could mean for you. But first off, your brain is gonna say, nope. Don’t really do it. Don’t really do that because it might not keep us safe, and the status quo is always safe. Stay with the status quo. Stay with the status quo. So with that in mind, what does that transformation look like for you? Who do you want to be on the other side of this infidelity journey? Because like it or not, you’re on the journey. You’re on the journey.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:01]:
So who do you wanna be on the other side? We’re gonna really break this apart, but the first 3 months, the first at least the 1st month, but the 1st month to 3 months, when I work with my clients individually, that’s what we really talk about. Who do you want to be on the other side? What is that transformation that you want to undergo? And are you willing to let go of who you used to be? Because if you’re not willing to let go of who you used to be, then you’re not going to be motivated, able to do what you need to do to make that transition permanent because transition is the death of the old. I am recording the show near Easter, and I just wrote, 2 different blogs using the Jesus story, the Easter story,

Narrator [00:11:11]:
as an

Lora Cheadle [00:11:11]:
analogy. And I want to keep that analogy throughout this podcast today, and here’s why. If you look at the stations of the cross, the stations of the cross, in the Catholic religion, they’re, like, images of what Jesus went through on his way to the cross to be crucified. There’s, I think, 15 different stations, and they’re all about the people Jesus met along the way, you know, getting the crown of thorns, having his garments removed. Somebody wipes his face, he sees his mother, like, all of these things that happen along the way. And if you look at that list of things that happen along the way, there are some positive ones. He sees his mother. He gets his face wiped.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:06]:
And there’s some negative things too. There’s some negative things too. He has his clothing stripped away. He’s got, I mean, this is not a great journey. But on the journey to the cross, things happen. Things happen that are both positive and negative, and I think that’s really so powerful. The stations of the cross, as you go through them, as you are honoring Jesus in this Easter Easter story, it’s about his journey. Did you know the actual crucifixion is not even a station? It’s everything that happened before the the crucifixion.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:52]:
It is the journey to the crucifixion. Wouldn’t you think the big monumental moment, the actual crucifixion, and then the transformation, the resurrection? Wouldn’t you think those would be the pinnacle? Wouldn’t you think those two moments would be the moment that we celebrate, that we worship, that we as pilgrims go through. Oh, no. No. No. No. We don’t really it’s not that we don’t pay attention to the the crucifixion and the resurrection, but that’s not where the focus is. The focus is on the stations of the cross to get there.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:33]:
The focus is on the journey. Because life truly is a journey. It’s not a destination. It’s not that the destination totally doesn’t matter, but the destination is just one little blip. The transformation is just one little blip. What matters is the journey to get there and what happens along the way. And the comfort that I take from looking at the stations of the cross and actually, no, I’m not Catholic, but it’s just something that I have liked. The concept of going on this journey is a concept that I like, and the comfort that I get from that is knowing that good things happen and bad things happen along the way.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:34]:
I’m not condemned and a bad person because bad things happen. I’m not blessed and chosen because good things happen. Good and bad things happen because they happen, because it’s a journey, because journeys have hills and mountains and valleys and streams to forge and, like, journeys are difficult. Sometimes they’re rewarding. Yeah. Sometimes they’re painful. Yeah. Sometimes you run out of gas.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:10]:
Sometimes the car breaks down. Journeys are not just this linear progression up a hill where there are progressively more and more flowers and rainbows and unicorns and puppies. Journeys are challenging. And to me, what I also really love about that is when you know that, when you know it in your bones that life is hard and journeys are hard, I think it makes the sweet spot sweeter. Yay. Somebody is wiping my face. This is horrible, and I need support, and somebody is wiping my face, a small act of kindness that I can really have immense gratitude for, that I really, really can feel thankful for, that I can connect to this human wiping my face, that I can connect to their humanity, and that I can receive and have some respite along the way. Knowing that difficulties happen also makes it easier to get through the difficulty because it keeps me, it keeps you, it keeps all of us out of that place of drama.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:43]:
Oh my gosh. You wouldn’t believe. What’s happening now? Woe is me. Why is this happening to me? You wouldn’t believe what I’m going through. It happens. It’s normal. You’re supposed to have some tough times along the way. Perfect.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:09]:
You’re going through some tough times. It’s normal. How does it feel to know something is normal? Because if you’re anything like me, it’s so comforting to know I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that goes through this. We’re all struggling. In one way or another, we’re all struggling, and we will continue to struggle. And it’s okay. It’s not fun, but it’s okay because this too shall pass.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:39]:
This too shall pass. And then the sweet spots become sweeter, and the rough spots become okay because we know we’re not being singled out. We know that it’s not about us. It’s not blame. It’s not shame. It just happens, and it’s okay. Journeys are long. Jesus’s journey to the cross was long, and it actually started long before he physically started walking towards the cross, back up to the last supper, back up to the betrayal, you know, back up to his ministry, back up to all of these different things that led up to him walking up the hill.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:32]:
I did a show a couple years ago around the whole betrayal, and the concept of that show and I’d love you to listen to it if you’re interested. But the concept around that show was it all started with a betrayal. Had Jesus Judas not betrayed Jesus? Like, none of this would have happened. And it’s hard to say would things have been better or worse, But we wouldn’t be having the resurrection. We wouldn’t have this glorious Easter story of death and rebirth. We wouldn’t have it if there wasn’t a betrayal. I mean, hypothetically speaking, Jesus could have just spent his whole life ministering, and then he died peacefully of old age. And there’s not the power behind the story.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:30]:
A betrayal started it all. What started this journey for you? I bet it started long before your partner actually cheated. What things are conspiring in your favor? What good will come because of the situation that you are in? What is the moment of transformation that you are going to have that you would not have had had it not been for this betrayal? And how are you gonna walk this journey? How are you gonna walk this journey? Whether you believe in Christ at all is completely irrelevant. If you wanna listen to this story as the literal truth or as a complete fable, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because the message and the story is the same. How did Jesus walk this journey? With a whole lot of grace, with a whole lot of dignity, with a whole lot of gratitude. How are you gonna walk your journey? How can you walk with more grace? How can you walk with more dignity? How can you walk with more gratitude? How can you be fully alive along this journey? It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:08]:
It’s okay to break down. I want you to grieve and cry and break down, but I want you to get up again. I want you to get up again, and I want you to keep walking, knowing that you are walking into something beautiful and powerful that is here for you. It is not here to harm you. It is here for you so you can flourish. So, again, sticking with this analogy of the Easter story because it’s Easter when I’m recording this. Stations of the cross, Jesus goes up the mountain. He gets crucified.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:59]:
He dies. Pretty hard. Pretty rough time. His body gets prepared. It gets taken to the cave. They roll the stone in front of it. He is alone in the cave. The rest of the world goes on.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:17]:
His moment of transformation is small. It’s quiet. It’s in the cave. He’s alone. Compare and contrast that to the vision that you might have for yourself around any transformation. Like, how many times did we think, whatever it is, I’m going to become a mother and at the moment of the moment that I have this baby, like, the heavens will open and angels will sing, and I will be transformed into a mother. And then we have the baby, and we’re like, it hurts. I’m tired.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:52]:
I’m exhausted. I don’t know what I’m doing. You don’t just transform into a mother. It’s not like. I remember when I graduated from law school. I had the same phenomenon in undergrad undergrad and law school. I was like, I’ve worked so hard for these degrees. I’m going to be a lawyer now.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:10]:
Yay. Big transformation. And you walk across the stage and you get hooded. It’s the doctoral hood, and they do the little hooding ceremony and you walk to the other side of the stage and you’re like, wow. That was a little anticlimactic in a way. I walked across the stage, and I’m still me. I don’t feel any different. I don’t look any different.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:36]:
Oh, wow. I mean, that was weird. It’s not like you suddenly snap your fingers and become a lawyer, become a mother, become a wife. Transformation is a weird thing. Transformation takes place in the dark, in the cave, alone, with very little or no at all, And that’s the way transformation works. And that’s not what we think of when we think of transformation, isn’t it? I mean, am I right here? When you think about, like, oh, the person I’m going to become on the other side of this journey, like, don’t you see yourself as this powerful person, this amazing per this wise person? You see yourself as transformed and doing things differently and feeling differently, but, ultimately, you’re still you. Ultimately, you still have so many of the same people around you, the same feelings, the same emotions. You’re still you.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:51]:
You’ve transformed in certain ways, but in other ways you haven’t. And you’re like, but I really wanted to be the butterfly. I really wanted these big beautiful wings to pop out and for everybody to go, and then I move off to butterfly land. And and here’s the thing, like, you can and you can’t. When you truly transform, the old you is gone. The caterpillar is gone. You are dead to yourself that way. Relationships will never be the same again.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:23]:
If you choose to stay with your partner, it is marriage 2.0. It’s a different marriage. You’re not reviving that old marriage. That marriage is gone. You’re reviving a new marriage. You’re creating yourself anew. I think I said that wrong. You’re creating yourself anew.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:43]:
You’re not reviving an old marriage. And that transformation isn’t like a comet shooting across the sky. It’s not like fireworks. It’s not like you stand up on stage in front of glorious applause, and people say, oh my gosh. She did it. The trail recovery journey is complete. She is healed. As of Thursday at 4, she is healed, and he has redeemed himself, and you are done.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:21]:
That’s not how transformation goes. The transformation is deep and dark and lonely, and it’s in the cave by yourself, and it’s uncomfortable. So how can you reframe your idea of what transformation means for you? How can you reframe that idea of what transformation looks like for you? Because it’s not what you think. Staying with the same story, what happened after Jesus’s resurrection? What happened after he rose from the dead? Another journey. Another journey. The transformation marks the point between the 2 journeys, the journey to, and then the journey onward. It’s not like he came home and said, I have arisen, and now I’m just gonna hang out. For the rest of my life, I’m not doing anything because transformation achieved, achievement unlocked.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:48]:
I’m all good. I have arrived. I have done it. Now let’s just hang out. No. No. No. After the transformation, after that journey began a whole other journey, The journey of writing the gospels and spreading the gospels and continuing the message and whole other journey Whole other journey.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:19]:
The transformation is the point between journeys. Sit with that for a minute. The transformation is the point between journeys. It’s a brief stop off point. Jumping from Jesus to Harry Potter, I know, is a stretch, but that’s how my brain works. Did Did you see the Harry Potter movies or read the Harry Potter books? In the very last one, Harry meets Dumbledore in a train station. And I loved that analogy because, to me, the moment of transformation has always been like that brief stop at the train station. You get off one train, you’re at the station, you’re waiting for the next train.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:06]:
And I’ve always loved that, and that’s what I loved at that point in the movie. It was it’s a train stop. Harry was done with one transformation, and he was ready to go on the next journey, and he hung out in the train station until that next train arrived. And that’s the reframe around transformation that I want for you. What I want for you is for you to see transformation differently. I want you to see transformation as that brief pause between journeys where you go, ah, on this next journey, I’m showing up totally different. I did journey number 1 as this person, and I am doing journey number 2 as a different person. I say this a lot, but one of my favorite quotes is the Einstein quote.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:05]:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. The point of post betrayal transformation, the point of any transformation is to do things differently. You can’t transform into a butterfly and then go back and try to fit into your old caterpillar skin. You can’t transform into a butterfly and continue to crawl along the earth. You need to fly. And I think that is a place that so many of us get stuck. And, yes, I work with a lot of people, where the betrayal is a little bit more fresh, where I am their first stop. But I also work with an awful lot of people who are multiple years out of betrayal, and they’re like, I still don’t feel better.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:03]:
It’s been 2 years, and I still don’t feel better. It’s been 4 years, and I’m still struggling. And that is something that I’m really, really good at, helping them identify in themselves. What are you going back to? You are on a different journey now. How are you showing up different? And how are you defaulting into those same behaviors that you used to have before? In therapy, oftentimes, they talk about coping strategies. All humans have coping strategies. We all have ways we do things. If you think about cooking, we all have strategies that we use cooking.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:44]:
If you think about cleaning, we all have strategies we use when we clean. Even checking email, we all have strategies that we use. Sometimes we some people do it in date order. Some people sort by sender and bulk delete first. Some people clean the bathrooms before they do the dusting. Some people dust before vacuum. Some people start with vacuuming because they say it kicks up dust. We all have different strategies.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:13]:
And when you know better, you do better. When you transform, you’re different, and you do things different. I am making this up. But if there was a study out there that definitively said, you should dust first and vacuum second, and you go, oh, my gosh. This definitive study came out? Totally makes sense, but I have always vacuumed first and dusted second. If you know definitively that you need to change, that that’s gonna help your allergies, that that’s the number one way to do it, and you keep doing it in the same way you’ve always done it, do you think your allergies are gonna get better? No. You gotta do it differently. If you are having major digestive issues, major joint pain, and you get tested for celiac, and you find out that, oh my gosh, you are celiac.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:12]:
You cannot eat gluten. And you keep eating gluten, and then you keep thinking, why do I not feel better? Duh. You have to do things differently. Somehow, your body has transformed, and it can’t have gluten. When you know something different, show up differently. Do it differently. And it’s the same way in this betrayal recovery journey, both as an individual and, if you’re still in the marriage, as a partnership. You cannot do things the same as before or nothing will change.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:58]:
Nothing will change. I think the number one fear, the number one concern, after you’ve been betrayed is, is it gonna happen again? Especially if you are considering staying, is this gonna happen again? Am I going to put my all into this? Am I gonna put my heart and soul into this? Am I going to be compassionate and understanding and change and grow and learn myself and then get duped again? Because, dang, I’m not willing to go there. Nobody is. Nobody is willing to go there. Let me be blunt. It’s gonna happen again unless both of you do things differently, radically differently. Not just like, oh, now we’re gonna have date night every Friday. That’s a nice little change, but that’s not showing up different.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:57]:
That’s not transformation. Transformation is, again, alone, solitary, in the cave, powerful, unglamorous, scary. It can even be dark. Being alone in a cave for any period of time is going to be scary and dark and terrifying, and transformation is scary and dark and terrifying, and you’re alone when you do it. So are you going to rebuild this marriage? You need to go into your cave and transform, and your partner needs to go in their cave, and they need to transform. And then when you come out together, then and only then do you go into a cave together to transform. You don’t do that part together. You each need to take care of yourselves first.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:42]:
And you each need to take care of yourselves first. Then you can go into that cave together and transform as a couple. It’s not up to you. It’s not up to your partner. It’s up to you each to do your own work for yourself. And then it’s up to you each to do your own work for the marriage. And here’s the thing. Once you’ve gone into the cave and transformed yourself, once your partner has gone into his cave and transformed himself, you’re gonna have a lot better idea of whether or not you want to stay in this relationship too.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:24]:
You don’t have to make any decisions right away. It’s not like you find out about cheating one day and, within 24 hours, you have to have the next 3 years of your life planned out. Give yourself time. Take all the time you need. I mean, quite frankly, I’m 6 years out, and I roll with it every day. Am I committed? Of course, I’m committed. Do I want my marriage to work? Of course, I want my marriage to work. Am I showing up completely different in an effort to get that to happen? Yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:02]:
But at any point in time, if something else happens or if something else falls apart, if suddenly he starts physically abusing me, I have another decision to make. If suddenly he goes back to doing things the way that he used to do, I’m not sticking around for that because I know where that leads. I know where that leads. Been there, done that, don’t need it again. Take time. Think about the transformation. Think about how you want to be different. Think about how you would be in your best relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:43]:
Yes. It can be celebrity crush visualization. I don’t care. Think about how that relationship would be for you and how you would show up in that relationship. And then show up as that person in this relationship. If you say in another relationship, I would a, b, and c, then my challenge to you is how do you show up in this relationship as a, b, and c? Because if you think we’re snarky and resentful and mean to each other, but I wouldn’t do that to a new partner. To a new partner, I would not be snarky. I would be so excited to see him.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:24]:
Well, how can you be excited to see your partner then? What can you do inside of you to show up happy, to show up excited? All of those things that you imagine or visualize or pretend that you would do with a new partner do with your current partner. That’s you showing up differently. It’s not giving them a pass. It’s not making their cheating okay. It’s you taking responsibility for you and showing up how you wanna show up in a relationship. You can have an amazing time with your partner. You can do a family event. You 2 can laugh.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:08]:
You can have a great dinner, and you can also still inside say, I will never forgive you for this. And you can still have fun with them. You can still say, I will I hate you for this. I am hurt for this. And still be kind and pleasant to them. And if you do want to save the marriage, it’s imperative that you show up differently, that you don’t get your feelings hurt and then not communicate it, that you continue to over function, that you continue to take responsibility for somebody else’s feelings. Whatever it is that you did before that you don’t wanna do anymore, don’t do it. That’s what I mean by showing up differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:59]:
Sometimes people say, I don’t know what you mean by showing up differently. Because if I transform, I’ll just be different. Okay. Well okay. If you just transform, you’ll be different. But it’s a little bit of a catch 22 because if you’re always waiting to transform in order to be different, then you’re never going to transform. You have to start being different in order to transform. You have to start being different first.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:35]:
This happens in the workplace too. People say, well, I’ll be happy in a new job. And then they get a new job and they’re happy for a little bit, and then they’re like, I’m not so happy anymore. You gotta make yourself happy first. You won’t be happy in any job job for long because wherever you go, there you are. And it’s the same way in a marriage or in a relationship. You can be hurt. You are hurt.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:01]:
I’m still hurt in so many different ways. Not from a victim y place like, you know, I’ll never be the same big time. Not like that. But I have irreparably been damaged, been harmed, been hurt, and I had to recover from that. If you have a bone broken, it’s been broken. You can repair it. You can you can repair it with gold. You know, that whole whatever that pottery repair with gold that everybody loves to talk about.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:35]:
It doesn’t matter if you repair it with gold. It doesn’t matter if the cracks let the light in. It was still broken. You can own that. I was still hurt in a way I should have never been hurt before. And I can spend the rest of my life acting that out and not behaving differently, or I can understand that there are times I will want to tell my victim story. There are times I want feel sorry for myself. There are times I wanna go there and mourn and grieve and cry and rage.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:14]:
But for the most part, I’m going to show up differently. I’m going to choose to transform, and I’m going to transform by transforming, not by waiting for some external force to come and transform me. It’s the difference between the Jesus story, the Easter story. His body is put into a cave. Nobody comes into the cave and resurrects him. The Jesus story versus the Cinderella story. Cinderella has the external fairy godmother who comes in and boof, bibbidi bobbidi, boom. That’s the external trans transformation versus the Jesus, which is the internal transformation.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:01]:
And to me, that’s what the cave signifies. The cave signifies the internal transformation. If you want real transformation, if you wanna truly be resurrected and change the world and go on a new journey, it’s an internal trans, transformation. You do not need a fairy godmother. Run far from coaches or therapists or anybody who tells you they can make the transformation for you. They can’t. What a good coach does, what a good therapist does is helps you transform yourself. They give you the tools, and, most importantly, they give you the accountability and the support that you need along the way.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:56]:
Because circling all the way back around to the beginning of the show, our minds don’t want to change. Our brains say, I’m safe. Keep doing this. Our brains are the antithesis of the Einstein quote. Our brains say, keep doing it the same. I don’t care if the result is the same because the result kept us alive, so keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep us alive.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:23]:
Thriving is not necessary, and flourishing is not necessary. And truthfully, it’s it’s not. But that’s what makes life worth living. So that’s why you need a coach. That’s why you need a therapist. That’s why you need help sometimes. You need someone to come in and say, okay. I can’t wave my magic wand and, poof, transform you.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:47]:
But what I can do is I can say, here is the right tool. Let’s practice that tool together. Let me give you feedback on using that tool. Let me keep calling you or Voxing you or emailing you or checking in with you to help you do the hard thing. Let me help you lean into your brain and to show up differently. Let me be your guide. And wrapping this full circle because I truly love the Easter story. Jesus goes into the cave, and he transforms internally.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:19]:
The cave is internal. This is an internal transformation, and then he comes out into the world. It just makes me cry to say this. Jesus is there to walk with you. That footprints poem, that is Jesus walking with you. Why is Jesus walking with you? Not to do it for you, but to walk with you. Yes. He picks you up when you fall down.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:50]:
Yes. He will carry you short distances. But Jesus just doesn’t say, poof, we’re gonna go to heaven now. It’s all over. Life is the journey. The joy is in the journey. It’s about the journey. You need help with the journey.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:07]:
You need support with the journey. What does the Bible give? What does the lessons, the parables they’re parables. They’re tools. Here’s a tool. Prayer is a tool. This is a tool. That’s a tool. Ministering to people is a tool.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:23]:
All of these tools, their lessons, their stories. Here’s how to do it, and I will walk by your side. So you can do it for yourself. I mean, how brilliant is that? To say Jesus was the original teacher, naturally, I think he’s the original coach because he gives you the tools. He gives you the skills. He gives you the accountability and the promises that he will walk by your side. Not that he will transform you. Poof.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:52]:
Magic. I have accepted Jesus into my life. We’re heading to heaven. See you. Out of here. Do you see the difference? Cinderella, fairy godmother, poof, external transformation. Yay. I did it for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:07]:
You don’t have to work. And because I did it for you and you don’t have to work, you don’t know how to maintain it going forward. When somebody comes in and cooks a meal and hands it to you and says, there you go. I did it. And you go, yeah. But I can’t recreate this. I have no idea what you did. That’s not helpful.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:28]:
Somebody comes in and does your books. Somebody comes in and does whatever. But if they don’t teach you how, you can’t recreate it, so you can’t be different. So you’re always gonna show up the same, and then you’re always gonna need help versus transformation, which is you doing it. I’ve learned how to cook the meal. I’ve learned how to do the books. I’ve learned how to show up differently in a relationship. I’ve learned how to take care of myself.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:52]:
I need support along the way. I need guidance. I need church on Sunday. I need social support on Thursday. I need my counselor every 2 weeks. I need my coach’s Monday morning emails. I need my coach’s accountability. What are the things that you need for the support along the way? And let me just say we all need support along the way.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:14]:
Yes. I coach you, but guess what? I get coached too. I see my therapist too. We all need it. It’s not like suddenly somebody becomes this guru and they know everything. It’s support along the way. So it is the season of rebirth. It’s spring.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:45]:
It’s Easter. Like I said, it doesn’t matter your religious faith or your lack of religious faith. It doesn’t matter if you think these stories are literal or or figurative. I want you to listen to that story. I want you to think about the Jesus story. I want you to think about the Easter story. I want you to think about resurrection and what it could mean for you. What is the transformation you are seeking? The personal transformation and the transformation in a relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:18]:
Caution. Caution. Caution. Caution. Caution. Were you thinking, well, what I want my spouse to do is? No. No. No.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:26]:
No. No. No. It’s about you. What is your transformation? This is your journey. You’ve had the journey that got you here. You’re probably still on that journey. How can you walk it with more grace, with more compassion, with more appreciation for the good moments, and with more understanding that the bad moments say nothing about you.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:51]:
It’s just part of the process. How can you live fully while you are on this journey? And then poof, in your moment of transformation, how can you do that for yourself? What is your metaphoric cave that you will go into to transform yourself, and what will you emerge as? What will you emerge as? And then what train will you get on next? What is the next part of your journey? And how are you gonna be totally different on that journey? This is the power of the Easter story, spring awakening, transformation, whatever it is. It is my deepest hope that I have empowered you to think differently, that I have given you a new perspective on post betrayal transformation, That I have helped you to think a little bit differently and to be more empowered to create yourself anew and, at the same time, more empowered to get the help and the support that you need along the way. Because the journey does not have to be as arduous as it is. It’s a tough journey, but let other people wipe your face. Let other people give you water. Let loved ones come visit. Yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:39]:
You will be stripped of things. Yes. It will be faint painful, Beget that support along the way. Check out my blogs. I wrote 3 separate blogs talking about this transformation. Check out the show that I did on It All Started With Betrayal. And I truly, truly ask between the show and the next show that you listen to, which, if you’re listening as they come out, is a week. I really ask you to have some cave time, to go into your metaphoric cave and to just allow some transformation to happen.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:32]:
We’re not talking total butterfly, chrysalis building, hanging out, emerging as a butterfly. We’re not talking about the whole thing. We’re just talking about go into that cave, give yourself a little preview, be okay by yourself, Think about how you want to emerge. Shift your thinking from glorious, floodlights, spotlight, applause, immersion into a powerful, calm, quiet. I want you to see yourself, one hand on your chest, one hand on your belly, stepping powerfully from this cave, from your cave of transformation as a completely different being. And, you know, some of us don’t want to be that big flashy butterfly. Some of us want to be something altogether different, and that’s the beautiful part about it. The choice is yours.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:35]:
You don’t have to be the big butterfly. You can be a moth. You can be something totally different. The choice is yours. The transformation is yours. And, truly, the work is yours. Reach out if you need support because you do need support. I’m here.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:03]:
I’m always here, and I actually just debuted some new transformation betrayal recovery programs. You can check them out on my website, lauricietle.com. Have an amazing week, and as usual, always remember to FLAUNT exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

Narrator [00:54:28]:
Are you struggling after your partner’s infidelity? Do you need help navigating the aftermath of betrayal, taming obsessive thoughts, and feeling like yourself again? You are not alone. I’ve been there too, and I know how soul shattering it can be, but I also know what helps. My free betrayal recovery toolkit is available right now as an instant download, and it will help. It’s the ultimate guide to feeling better, reclaiming your power, and looking forward to the future again. Whether you’ve just found out about your partner’s affair or are still feeling stuck years down the road, this toolkit is your lifeline to recovery. In it, you’ll gain access to a wealth of resources designed to support you every step of the way, including insightful exercises, a chapter of Lora’s award winning book Flaunt, and a full length hypnotic meditation that will help you overcome obsessive thoughts fast. If you are ready for healing, transformation, and to reclaim yourself and your life, then download your kit today. Just go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Narrator [00:55:43]:
Enter your name and your email, and you will be redirected immediately to the download page, which you might want to bookmark for future reference. Reclaim your strength, rebuild your confidence, and embrace a brighter tomorrow today with the betrayal recovery toolkit that’s yours free when you go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Download yours today.

Narrator [00:56:15]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.