Why it’s Okay to Stay with Your Cheating Partner

Narrator [00:00:01]:

You're listening to FLAUNT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal, a podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:

This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband's infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn't shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time. And for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you're having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can't focus, BetterHelp is here to help you.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:07]:

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Lora Cheadle [00:02:03]:

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Lora Cheadle [00:02:50]:

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT, Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I am Lora Cheadle, and today we are going to Talk about why it is okay to stay with your cheating partner. And oh boy, this is a big one. And I also wanna preface this episode by saying, it's both okay to stay with your cheating partner, And it's okay to leave your cheating partner, and most importantly, it's okay to take all the time in the world that you need To make that decision. Because quite frankly, this is one of the biggest decisions you can ever make In your life. Just so you know, if you haven't been listening to my show for a while, I I've been betrayed. I was betrayed by my husband after 23 years of what I thought was a really, really darn good It turns out he had been cheating for 15 of those 23 years together with 5 different women. Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:07]:

Quite quite the horrific gut punch. You know? Quite quite the shocker because, truly, I thought he was one of the most honest, loving, full of integrity human beings that I had ever met. And, no, I had never suspected him. Never. Not once, not ever had I ever suspected him of any sort of infidelity. So, yeah, you know, come to find out that there was a A long term, mostly emotional affair that lasted the full 15 years. And then there were 4 other short term, physical, one slightly emotional, but mostly just physical affairs, truly pulled the rug out from under me Because I had no idea. No idea.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:04]:

And here we are six and a half years later still together, And I believe we are much better for it, and I've said this in different shows too, Because we're together now doesn't mean that we will be together forever. You know, sometimes I think we get really hung up on, I make the decision to stay, so I have to stay forever. No. You make the decision to stay and that means you're staying now. It doesn't it doesn't mean forever. Things change, people change, and people can divorce for different reasons too. It doesn't have to be that the infidelity is the reason. So for right now, I believe we're staying together for the long term.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:54]:

Too. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Marriages are hard. People change. Things change. So, yes, While we're together and we're better off for it, who knows what the future will hold? I am intending on staying together. I am intending that we will keep growing and learning and loving and laughing together, but again, nobody can predict the future.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:20]:

So let's talk about why it's okay to stay with your cheating partner. I've got at least 5 really good reasons that I want to talk about. The first reason to stay with your cheating partner is because you need time to catch up. You need time to catch up. And what I mean by that is Your partner is the one that had the affair, so they knew that this was going on. Whether they knew 3 weeks Longer than you or like in my case, 15 freaking years longer than you. They are ahead of you. They knew this was going on.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:01]:

You didn't know this was going on. It makes sense to stay with your partner and catch up. It makes sense that you might need time to process this. If you're anything like me, I was in a huge state of shock. I could not wrap my head around it. And what I wanted most desperately at the beginning was for everything to go away. What I wanted most desperately was to be able to forget, to literally have this whole thing just go away, And for me not to be in the situation that I was in. And it's healthy To be able to stabilize other parts of your life to allow yourself time to heal.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:52]:

And if you want if if you need to leave, that's fine. You need to leave. If your partner is abusive, you need to leave. If, you know, if you don't feel safe, You need to leave. That's fine. But in my case, I thought I can't even get my head around what's happening To add on to that, the idea of a divorce and coparenting and Splitting up our finances and me figuring out my own career and retirement and where do the animals go and And and and in extended families and holidays and all of that, that was too much. That was absolutely Too much, and I needed the time to catch up with the fact that he had cheated on me. I could not wrap my head around the fact that he had cheated on me, let alone start launching into something else.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:52]:

Let alone start figuring out what does it even mean that he cheated on me? Why did he cheat on me? What does that mean about me? I need a time to catch up. He had had, arguably, 15 years knowing that he was a cheater. 15 years ago, he made the decision to step outside of our marriage for sex. I was left in the dust. I had to catch up, and I deserve that time and that space To be able to catch up. So you can stay together to give yourself time to catch up. And that is the 1st really really valid reason to stay with your partner once you find out that they have been cheating. The second reason is because staying now doesn't mean staying forever.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:50]:

And I started off the show, you know, with my story and saying, yes, we are together. I did stay. He moved out temporarily, but We stayed together, and it's going really, really well. But just because I made the decision to stay back then, didn't mean that it was permanent. Nothing is permanent. Even though it's been six and a half some years, I have to remake the decision every day if I'm staying or going, and I think that is healthy. Staying now doesn't mean that you're committed to staying forever. It means that you're staying for now.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:30]:

And it might be, I am staying for now until I catch up and can wrap my head around this. It might mean I'm staying now until I figure out How to get myself educated or in a new career or to get daycare taken care of or until I have this next baby or until Somebody graduates from something or until something happens, that's fine. You get to choose. This is your life, and when I work with my people 1 on 1, one of the things that we talk about a lot Is the fact that you are in charge of your life, and that's something that we get stuck, Not get stuck, that we forget, and we get stuck in a place of thinking that life happens to us, that we don't direct our lives. And especially when we have been violated, when you have been violated like this, when you have had somebody else Make a decision that impacts you so significantly, you do fall into a state of victimhood because guess what? You were victimized. You were victimized. So it's normal and natural to fall into that state of victimhood and thinking, They have ruined my life. He has ruined my life.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:54]:

She has ruined my life. If this hadn't have happened, everything would have. If this hadn't have happened, I would have. And one of the most important reminders Is reminding yourself over and over and over again that you are not a victim. Life does not happen to you, you choose the course of your life. And you're probably raising your hand right now saying, Not so, Lora. I didn't choose this to happen, and this thing happened, and you're telling me I'm in charge of my life. I don't see that.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:33]:

That's because you're in a place of victimhood and you should be. And things do happen in our lives. Uncontrolled Things happen all the time. Whether it's an act of god, like an earthquake or a tsunami or a tornado, Things do happen to us in our life. People drive cars and crash into us. People cheat on us. People lie and steal. People do bad things to us.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:01]:

But that doesn't mean we're not in control of our life. We still control how we react, how we respond, what we do next. Life is a bit of a bumpy road. We don't know when those twists and turns and bumps are going to happen. And that doesn't really matter. What matters is what we are going to do next. And that is where choice is. That is where power is.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:37]:

That is where our sovereignty comes in. What are you going to do when? What are you going to do when Somebody does something bad to you. What are you going to do if you get a scary diagnosis? What are you going to do in that moment? That's power. That's control, that's sovereignty, and that's where your strength lies. And like I said, it's totally okay to spend a while, a few months even, In a state of total despair and victimhood, I did. We have to go through grief. You will. It's okay we have to go through grief, but it's just giving yourself the constant reminders that I am going through a state of grief.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:27]:

I am not broken. I'm going through a state of shock, and disbelief, and grief, and rage. I am going through that, but I am not broken. Stop identifying with the state that you're in. You can be enraged, but you're not a ragey, crazy, hateful person. You can feel all these emotions. You can feel like you are broken, but you're not broken. I promise you, you are not broken, and I know you feel like that.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:03]:

You are not a fool. You are not stupid. When somebody betrays you, when somebody dupes you, It's their bad. It's not your bad. You didn't go out and lie to somebody. You didn't go out and cheat somebody. You are not stupid. You are not a fool.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:28]:

You are an honest, trustworthy person Who is doing their part at being in a committed relationship. End of story. The person who did the bad thing to you is the bad person. It's not you. And I'm backing up on that. The person who did the bad thing to you is probably not a totally bad person. They're Probably a very wounded person who did a very bad thing, who acted out. So Reminding yourself that you are not a bad person.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:03]:

You are not a stupid person. You are not too fat or ugly or horrible as a wife. This is not your fault, you didn't cause this. Wrapping your head around the shock, the grief, the rage, all of that takes time. Nobody can be victimized and then just launch into, oh, it's all perfect. That's toxic positivity and it's toxic. So let yourself be angry. Give yourself time.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:32]:

That's one of the biggest reasons that it's okay to stay. It's okay to stay to give yourself the time to figure it out. Part and parcel with that, When we have been victimized, when we're traumatized, when something happens that sends us into the state of shock, grief, rage, whatever, It sends us into a fight, flight or freeze response, which is a normal natural state of being that all bodies go Into. Because it's survival state. We fight, which is that rage. I'm gonna take you for all your words. I'm gonna get her. I'm gonna tell.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:12]:

I'm gonna that's fight. That's a fight response. It's a normal response. It's not a personality flaw that you go into that state, it is the state you're supposed to go into. Flight is running away. I'm out of here, you're out of here. I can't take any of this. Make it go away.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:29]:

I want this to have not happened. I wanna pretend I don't remember. Can't we just go back to how it was? I'm just gonna ignore this. Again, normal natural response. In freeze, I can't get off the bed, I can't get off the floor, I can't make a decision. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:54]:

You ruined me. That's a freeze response. We all have all of those responses too. I went through all of them. I cycled through all of them. And when you were in a state of fight or flight or freeze, 1 more, 1 more, fawn. Fawn is also a normal natural trauma state. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:18]:

Fawning is like traumatic bonding. Oh my god. I love you so much. We're gonna make this work and it's gonna be perfect. Let's go have sex 4,000 different times a day because it's gonna be amazing. And I love you so much, and I wanna be with you all the time. And how could this have happened? You're like, my desire. I will make you happy.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:35]:

I will change. I I will say different things, I will do different things, I will cook different things, I will show up differently, I will dress differently, I will be whatever you want me to be. That's called fawny. Any of those trauma responses show that we are in a dysregulated state. It shows that we are way back in the limbic portion of our brain, and we are not up in the prefrontal cortex. We are not making Normal, quote unquote, decisions. We are not making rational decisions. We are making decisions that will keep us safe.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:10]:

Fawning keeps us safe. Traumatic bonding, keeps us safe. Freeze keeps us safe. The inability to show up keeps us safe. Anger keeps us safe. All of those responses are just our poor little body, our poor little dysregulated nervous system Trying to keep us safe. My recommendation to you, to all of my clients, I help hold their hand. I walk by their side in this process Of not making any decisions until you are calmed down, not making any decisions until you can think rationally again.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:48]:

And again, it's not that you're weak and can't think rational. It's not that you are defective and that you're all, You know, stupid or dumb and can't think, it's because your nervous system is jacked up. And when your nervous system is jacked up, you can't think. So give yourself the time to stay. So reason 1 is giving yourself time to catch up in the process. Reason 2 is admitting to yourself that staying now doesn't mean staying forever. There's a lot to unpack Here, there's a lot of information that's going on and you need time. Now, both of those were kind of, Not really wishy washy reasons, but both of those reasons mean I'm staying for now, I'm giving myself time to catch up, And I'm just taking it 1 step at a time.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:43]:

I'm allowing my nervous system to go through all of these different phases and then to get reregulated again. The third reason is a little bit more practical. And that third reason is that divorce is a really big deal. Divorce is a really big deal. It just is. As you might know, I am a former attorney. I was mostly a corporate attorney, but I also did some family law for a while. And what I'm gonna say is It's a big deal.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:19]:

Divorce is a big deal. In fact, I just looked this up before the show, the divorce in the United States Cost between $1015,000. It costs between $1015,000 to get a divorce. Now that is just average. Yes. Some people are in this calm, rational, amazing state, and they can just agree on Everything. You take this property. I'll take that property.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:48]:

You do this with the kids. I'll do that with the animals. You take Christmas. I'll take New Year's. Great. If it's uncontested like that, it's gonna be easy. But let me tell you, if it's contested, If you're talking about any type of forensic accounting because you think your partner might have been squandering family funds, If you if your partner is in a shame state and traumatized, if you are thinking I'm gonna take him for everything he's worth because you're getting all jacked up with friends who are just telling you, like, you go, girl. You go, girl.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:26]:

You take him. You do this blah blah blah blah blah, then I'm just gonna tell you it's gonna be way more than $15,000. Way more. Because contested divorces take a lot of time, and lawyers are expensive, and court fees are expensive. And, yes, there's some ways to go about that. You can do different kinds of mediation and things like that, but, again, Not if you and your partner are not getting along. If your partner didn't behave well while you were married, They're not going to behave well through a divorce. When there's a lot of animosity, it's not gonna go well.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:07]:

They're not gonna roll over. The more you poke, the more they're gonna fight. The more they poke, the more you're gonna fight. So, yeah, you wanna think About getting divorced. And I am not saying stay in a bad, abusive, toxic marriage because it's expensive and inconvenient to get divorced. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you've gotta think about it, because sometimes we just get in our head that the divorce Court is gonna be the place that we're gonna show him, and we're gonna take him. And then we're $30,000 poorer, And we realize, oh my gosh, maybe this wasn't what I wanted to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:48]:

And the thing is too with divorce, once you pull that trigger, Can you stop the divorce? Yeah. You can, but also not really because everybody gets locked into their positions too easily at that point. So don't pull that trigger unless you're really ready. And again, I'm not saying don't do it. If you know you want a divorce, if you know you need a divorce, you need it, do it. I'll help you through that. That's one of the benefits of working with me is I did do divorces, so I can help you through the process, and I can help you figure it out. And I can provide some of that mediation, some of that work so it can be easier.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:30]:

But what I am saying is divorce is a big deal, And it's okay not to get divorced. There is not a requirement that if your partner cheats, you have to get divorced. And the thing is, Isn't that kinda what we've been led to believe? Isn't that what we've been led to believe? That For everybody in every circumstance, cheating is a deal killer. I don't know about you, but before this happened to me, Oh, yeah. I was right down that whole righteous path too. If he ever, we are done. Same thing with people that I knew. If he cheats, you're out of there.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:09]:

You've taken Broly's worth, and you get out of there. Until you're there, you don't know. Oh my gosh. Until you are there, you don't know what you're gonna do. And even when you're there, you're like, I don't know. I don't know, it might be a deal killer and it might not, because I don't know. Because actually being there is totally different than thinking about being there. So Divorce is a big deal.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:40]:

It costs a lot of money. Contested is worse. If you look statistically speaking, After divorce, a lot of men are better off and a lot of women are worse off financially. And that is mostly because, well, a, we've got this thing called a pay gap, And that stinks. But also, b, because typically, women are the ones who have taken more time away from their career for caregiving responsibilities, Whether it's their kids or their aging parents or just extended families. And then also, typically, women are the one that are burdened With childcare responsibilities. And I hate using the word burdens because I raised 2 kids, And it was a joy and a blessing and a pleasure in all of that, and I mean that. It really was.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:29]:

I wouldn't. Being a mom was like the best, still is the best part of my life for so many different reasons. And yet, When the kids were sick, I was the one that was there. When the kids needed things, I was the one that was there. Because I wanted to be there, yes, but it does, Quote, unquote, get in the way and burden and take time away from career. Because let's face it. We don't live in a world That's very just and fair around careers and jobs and parenting responsibilities. We just don't.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:03]:

And there tends to be, like, the primary parent, And that tends to be the woman. And again, I'm saying tends to, not always, but again, it's something to think about. Other reasons that divorce is a big deal is extended family. You know? You get used to doing things with extended family. Home, The place you live. We're in a tough market. Homes and apartments and condos, they're expensive. Rent is really expensive right now.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:32]:

It's a lot to think about. So many times people have businesses together or joint ventures, something like that. So, yeah, it's a lot to think about. And again, I'm not saying don't divorce because it's a hassle, but what I am saying is think about it, give yourself time. Even if it's been 2 years, 10 years. Give yourself time, and make sure that a divorce is really what you want. That it's best for you. Because, and I'm gonna come back around to this, but because You get to choose what kind of marriage you have.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:14]:

You don't have to follow society's standards and beliefs and rules around marriage. You get to pick the kind of marriage you have. So number one reason to why it's okay to stay with your spouse is because you need time to catch up, figure out what's going on, process, get yourself out of shot. Number 2, Sting for now doesn't mean sting forever, so go slow. Number 3, divorce is a really big deal. It costs a lot of money, it takes a lot of time, and it could can create more damage too, so just be sure. Just be sure because there's good ways to divorce and there's Bad ways to divorce. And divorcing in anger and divorcing in haste is rarely a good idea because, again, that fight, flight, Freeze or fawn, trauma response, so give yourself time.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:11]:

The number four reason That it's okay to stay with your cheating partner. And here's where it starts getting good, is infidelity can be A huge catalyst for growth. It can make your marriage better than it was before. It can make your relationship better than it was before. Going through a horrific trauma With somebody can bond you and bind you and up that intimacy level like nothing else. I have always loved when they break down intimacy, and how intimacy is really into me see. When you really see into your partner, even those bad parts, especially those bad parts. When you see into them and you realize They cheated.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:10]:

They lied. They manipulated. They gaslit. They did all of this stuff. When you really see into them, you know them at a different level, And it can connect you more. Yes. Sing into my husband and all he did was nauseating and disgusting, And it also filled me with compassion. It broke my heart for him as well as for me because I was like, Oh my gosh.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:49]:

I do know you, and I do know your good parts, and I see how this hurt you. I see how this is so outside of who you were. I see how you sold your soul going down this path, and that makes me sad for you. I see how you were so blinded and confused and messed up in the head, And that makes me sad for you, but that also makes me know you more. And then he saw into me too. He saw parts of me that he hadn't seen before. He saw me suddenly for who I was Instead of for who he thought I was, because he in order to have an affair, so many men do this. In order to have an affair and to justify their Actions, they have to vilify their wife.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:44]:

They have to vilify their partner. They have to spin everything that you do as obnoxious or awful or manipulative or careless or he would spin me and make me into this villain that I wasn't. And men do that. They will pick fights with you. Did your partner pick fights with you? Yeah. If you look back, you're like, holy cow. They picture fight with me every time they went out to cheat, and they did it intentionally, so they could have an excuse. So they didn't have to sit with the fact that they were doing a horrible thing for them and for you and for your family and for God and for everybody else.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:27]:

Instead, they would justify it by picking a fight with you or by complaining about you and finding out somebody to talk to talk about you with. Oh my god. Do you believe what she did? If I were in her shoes, I would never blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. So going through infidelity, I Saw parts of my husband that I didn't know, and he saw me for who I was instead of who he projected me to be, Which then led, of course, to a whole lot more shame and guilt and on him on his behalf, But that brought us closer together. We talked. We connected. We had a couple of different coaches. We had counseling.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:20]:

We did energy work. Like, we did all of these things to help us process that. We weren't just left All alone, all by ourselves, trying to be in this totally philosophical headspace of, oh, what does this really mean for you, and what does this really mean for us? We had help. We needed help. We needed people to guide us through the process. We needed People to tone us down and to calm and to slow the conversation. And because of that help, because of those coaches, because of the counseling, because of all of this, we were able to grow together. We were able to increase our level of intimacy and understanding.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:03]:

We also became better communicators With ourselves and with the rest of the world. We had an increased understanding of each other's journey and point of view. He understood my world, staying home with the kids, trying to balance career and kids, being the one left Behind when he traveled incessantly for work, he understood that differently. I started understanding him and his need for validation differently. It gave me a chance to grow and self reflect. It gave him a chance to grow and self reflect, and It gave us a chance to grow and self reflect as a couple. And as I always say, my whole tagline, betrayal uncovers the truth. It uncovered a whole lot of his childhood trauma that had been unaddressed.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:54]:

It uncovered things in me about how I was always self abandoning. It uncovered flaws in our relationship that we were both now accepting of, and willing and interested in fixing. So why is it okay to stay with your cheating partner? It's okay to stay because if you do the work, You could end up with a marriage of your dreams. You could end up with a partner of your dreams. We all talk about, like, is there a better partner out there? And so many times, the people that I'm working with will say, like, I'm gonna go for this for the best partner. Well, maybe. I'm not saying that a better a better man or woman isn't out there. I'm not saying a better one isn't out there, but I'm also not saying that a worse one is out there too.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:48]:

At least with this partner, you know their flaws now. You know the skill sets they have. You know their level of capability. It's all laid bare because Betrayal uncovers the truth. Betrayal uncovers the truth about your partner, so suddenly you're like, I know this partner. You don't know another partner. Again, I'm not saying the perfect partner won't exist for you, but I am saying, At least you know this one. And when you know this one well, then you can assess this one well.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:26]:

And to launch into another relationship might take 5, 10 years until you really know somebody at that deep intimate level. And then in 5 or 10 years, you might go, oh my gosh, I wish I would have known this. I mean, again, it could be perfect, but I'm also a realist. People are weird and complex. We're all damaged in some way, and no relationship is perfect. And during that honeymoon period, during those dating periods, We are only exposed to the best part of a person. Now again, abuse aside, you know, some serious things aside like Personality disorders, mental health issues, you know what I mean, abuse, things like that. At least you know what you've got with The partner who cheated on you because now you have really seen the whole picture.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:16]:

You've probably seen more than you ever wanted to see in this person. And, again, I'm not using that as an excuse to stay. I'm not saying don't sacrifice yourself, but I'm saying, hey, Be realistic that at least you know this person. And if this person is willing to grow themselves, to self reflect, to find different tools, To figure out what they need to do differently so they will not cheat, then your relationship has potential. Again, something that I'm always working with my people on is deciding. Should they stay or should they go? That's a huge question. Is my partner going to cheat again or not? And when I say to them, you you know, again, working with them in their Circumstances is a little bit different than just saying a broad global statement here, but your partner will cheat again if They have not done the work, figured out why they cheated in the 1st place, and come up with different tools. My husband cheated.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:20]:

He said he needed validation. Okay. You will feel invalidated At times, for the rest of your life, it is not my job to be an unending supply of validation. I'm not gonna leap around and hop around and say, I have to validate him. I have to validate him, or he's gonna cheat again. That puts his problem on me. He is the one with the problem. He is the one that feels invalidated.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:46]:

I can understand that, and I can be sympathetic to that. And I can know that, and because I love him, I can help with that. But it is not my job to be his supply of validation. What is he going to do when he has the problem and he feels invalidated to make himself feel validated? What is he going to do to give himself that dopamine hit of validation? He used to cheat. He used to sext. He used to reach out and call these women. He used to vent and do all of this stuff so he could get all of these women around him saying, Oh my God, I'm so sorry, you're so amazing. That's what he did to fulfill that need.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:31]:

Wrong tool, Bad option. What are you gonna do that's not that? That's not up for me to determine, that's up to him to determine. It's that whole thing like when you have a hammer, you think everything is a nail. It's about finding new tools. So his work has been, 1, understanding why he cheated, 2, realizing that that feeling is gonna come up again, 3, figuring out what else he can do besides cheat to fill his validation tank. And he needed to come up with a lot of different things And to try it out and to see what works and to see what doesn't work. So if your partner is doing that, can your partner name why they cheated? Do they recognize that that bad emotion is gonna come up again, and what are they doing to come up with different options, different tools? If they're doing that, then they're probably not gonna cheat again, because they don't need air quotes. They don't need to cheat again.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:34]:

They have other tools. They have other options. If your partner is just promising, I'm never gonna do it. I don't know what happened. It was such a lapse. I was drunk. Blah blah blah. Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:43]:

I'm not sure if I would trust that as much. I mean, again, it's all it's all specific, but these are some of the things that we go through when we're working together. And when we're talking about, do I stay? Is he gonna cheat? So it's okay to stay While your partner figure some of this out, they're in a state of trauma too, believe it or not. They're in a state of trauma too. They are not in their rational mind either. They are not making good decisions either. It takes time for them to figure out why did I do it, to recognize where this feeling is going to come up again, And then to start exploring and trying other tools. You can't just say instead of cheating, I'm gonna go work out, eat ice cream, and journal.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:36]:

Oh, and do a mini meditation. You don't just say, those are the 5 things I'm gonna do, you have to practice them. We have to create new habits. Hypnotherapy is one of the tools that I use to help create new habits. And even when you have a really strong tool like That it still takes time. It still takes effort. Like for my husband, how often do you feel invalidated? Well, it's not like it's something that you do every single day so he can just practice new tools and practice new tools. Life goes on and then something happens, and he starts feeling invalidated.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:10]:

Then he has to practice the tool. Does breath work work? Does a mini meditation work? Does journaling my feelings work? Does talking to Lora work? You have to try these different tools and be like, oh, talking with Lora works. Oh, mini meditation, that's successful. Nope. This one didn't work. Working out didn't do it. And you have to start developing those new habits. So can your husband or your partner develop new habits in, like, 2 weeks? Nope.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:42]:

It's gonna take time. So because divorce is a big deal, because you need time to catch up, because staying now doesn't mean staying forever, It's totally fine to stay with your partner and see what they do. See what they do. Are they doing the work? Are they talking with you? Are they learning new skills? Are they more in touch with their feelings? Are you having fun together? Are you enjoying your life? If so, then, hey, keep staying. If you're saying and you're like, oh my gosh, He's not doing the work, and this is making me realize there were so many deep seated problems that I'm not okay with. We can't tackle all of these things. I don't wanna tackle all of these things. Then you can lead into the the divorce being confident, Being clear knowing that you aren't making a mistake because you can articulate.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:41]:

Okay. This is not being done, that is not being done, and the other thing is not being done. This is what I want, that is what I want, and the other thing is what I want, and none of those things are happening. You need time to ascertain what you want, what your partner is or isn't doing, and to catch up. So give yourself the gift of time to see, is this going to be a catalyst for a great marriage? Might, might not. Regardless, make it a catalyst for some amazing self growth for you. Because chances are you've changed since you first agreed to get married. Chances are, your idea for what makes a good marriage and what you need are totally different.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:28]:

Because I know early on, we're like, oh, he's so cute. We have so much fun together, and then life happens and you're like, actually, I just want a partner who makes me feel safe. Looks aren't that important, Or I just wanna partner who? Things change, we're supposed to change, we are not static things. So staying also gives you the chance to ascertain what you want in a marriage, what you want in a partner, And it gives you and your partner a safe space to both self reflect, grow, heal, learn. This might sound odd, but I cannot tell you the times Sean and I have had conversations post infidelity where we're like, do you wanna stay married? What are you thinking about this? How are you in the future? It's not this threat anymore. It's a really honest, this is what I want. Yeah. Well, this is what I want.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:29]:

Yeah. Well, how are we gonna do this? Well, I don't know if this doesn't work out. We're way more honest about what we want. We both have better boundaries. We both articulate our needs better, and we're both more confident that we can go for and get whatever it is that we want, Whether it's together or apart. But we wouldn't have reached this level of self awareness, and self reflection, and healing, and all of this apart, If we would have just launched into a separation. So it's okay to stay. It's okay to stay, and It's okay to have this amazing relationship afterwards.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:07]:

It's okay to trust your partner again. It's okay To have fun. It's okay to be intimate and physical. It's okay to do all of that stuff. This is still your partner. And if you need physical touch to heal, have it. If you need intimacy and deep connection, take it. If you need to laugh and go hike and watch a movie, Do it.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:37]:

This is your partner. You do what you need and what you want. It is okay to stay. And then the very, very last thing, the very last reason that it's okay to stay is It does give you that chance to really be honest and to assess what kind of a marriage you want and how you want your marriage to be in the future. Like I said earlier, when I was talking about taking time and that you can create whatever kind of marriage you want, All relationships have trade offs. All people Have different things that they value. Some of our values stick with us throughout a lifetime, And sometimes what we value most changes. It's for a season, for a reason.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:36]:

When my kids were little, family was a huge, Huge value. And now that they're older, it's still an important value, but it is not this driving force for me the way it was when my kids were little. Education is a value. Humor is a value. Integrity is a value. Integrity has always been a value of mine, But after going through infidelity, integrity is, like, launched way up there, and there are so many people that I don't do business with or I don't connect with Because I feel a lack of integrity, and before, I wouldn't have necessarily always let that stop me. But because of the infidelity, It is now a higher value. So when we have a relationship, It's never perfect, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship, whether it's like a job.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:31]:

A job is a relationship. No career is perfect. No job is perfect. When you're buying a car, no car is perfect. When you're buying a house, no house is perfect. There's always Trade offs. Well, I wanted 4 bedrooms. This house only has 4, but It's got a downstairs study, so I think I can make that work.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:55]:

When I was buying a minivan, I really wanted to have cup holders in the back seat, And my favorite minivan did not come with cup holders in the back seat, which I thought was ridiculous. And I really had to, like, go back and forth in my mind. Do I want this car with no cup holders in the back seat, or do I want this other one that does have cup holders in the back seat, but then I don't like as much? It's always a series of trade offs. It's always a series of trade offs. And there's such a myth in our society about this Perfect love. There is no perfect love. There's always trade offs. There's always trade offs.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:38]:

There are always trade offs. So if you are staying with your partner and you are trading some things off that work for you but that don't work for somebody else, That's okay, because guess what? This is your marriage, this is your relationship, it's not anybody else's. I have had women say to me apologetically, I just wanna feel safe financially, and I just don't wanna rock the boat, And I wanna stay in the house and I wanna stay here, but I don't really know if I totally love him or can trust him. And that's honest, and that's brutally honest, and that's hard to say. And what I will do with them is we will start Talking about values, what are your top values? And if safety and security are your top values and you're getting those met, If you're getting those needs met, is it really okay with you? Are you embarrassed saying that because you think you shouldn't say it? Because you think it sounds materialistic, because you think it sounds like you're selling out, then stay. If you've got doubts inside, listen to your doubts. But you gotta choose the kind of relationship that you want. I have 1 client, in particular.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:09]:

I've had it have a couple times, but I have this 1 client that I'm thinking of in particular. She and her husband decided to open up the marriage. They opened it up for about a year, year and a half, And then decided it was both not what they wanted, and they have come back together and they're monogamous. That is not something I want. It doesn't matter if I want it or not, if they want it, it's okay. If that's something that they're interested in, They can do that. Monogamy is my core value. It was not their core value, And that's okay, because you get to do you.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:53]:

Because quite honestly, that's so much the problem with with infidelity. People will say, it's not so much that They cheated. It's that they lied about it. So what are your values? What are you okay with? What are you not okay with? Many people are okay being in a relationship where it's not a lot of love. Many people are okay being in a relationship where they're just partners. Many people are okay being in a relationship where whatever. Many people are not being okay in a relationship where there's not a lot of love. Many people are not willing to settle or to sell out Or to give anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:39]:

You get to name the price for you. You get to decide for you. And what I'm gonna say is so much comes up in that process. And that's why I use a lot of the somatic processing again when I'm doing sessions with people and we're talking about this. Because it does bring up a lot because you think am I this cold calculating witch for saying that or for thinking about it? No. You're not. You're being realistic. Move some of that judgment to your body.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:13]:

What will people think? Why do I care what people think? Well, move it and bring it through your body. It's okay to stay. It's okay to stay if you're in love. It's okay to stay if you're not in love. It's okay to stay if he's done all the work and your relationship is so much better, and it's okay to stay if he says, I'm not doing the work, And you say, that's okay. I'm gonna make these other choices, and he says, that's okay. I'm gonna do that. It's okay to Stay because guess what? This is your life.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:50]:

This is your relationship and you get to choose and it doesn't matter what people think. And if you need help caring less about what other people think, reach out, I got you covered on that one. If you need help really stripping down to your core values, your core essence, and being able to name and claim who you are and what you want and why, Reach out. I can I got you covered on that one? But it's okay to stay. It's okay to stay and have the Cinderella story, and it's okay to stay for practical purposes, and it's Hate to stay for any reason in the world because nobody else is in your marriage except the 2 people that are in your Marriage. Reach out. Let me know what you think. Let me know how I can help.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:43]:

And as usual, always have an amazing week, and always remember to FLAUNT exactly who you are Because who you are is always more, not enough.

Narrator [00:54:58]:

Tune in next time to FLAUNT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguidedot

Lora Cheadle [00:55:30]:

come.