Why Am I Not Over the Infidelity Yet? (and three tips for moving on)

Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You're listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello, and welcome to FLANT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I'm Lora Cheadle. And today we are going to answer the question that I hear from so many of you. And that question is, why am I not over it yet? Why am I not over this infidelity? Why am I not healed? Why am I not over it? Why am I still stuck? So not only are we going to talk about that and get that question answered, I'm also going to give you several tips for moving on. But before we get into answering why and giving you tips, I want you to know that you are where you're supposed to be. Please, please, please do not feel shame. Do not feel guilt.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:27]:
Do not feel anything for not being over it. There is no pre prescribed time frame. It's not like you're doing something wrong. You're over when you're over it. And, yes, we're gonna talk about some of the reasons why so you can start working through it and getting over it. But I don't want you to feel shame for not being over it. My goodness. Infidelity is so hard.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:58]:
It is the absolute hardest thing I have ever been through. It broke me on so many different levels. It's awful. So please take a deep breath and release any shame or sadness or feelings like, oh, I'm worthless or I'm so stupid for not getting over it because, uh-uh, you are where you're supposed to be, and it takes different people different amounts of time to get over it. And you're not gooder or badder if you heal faster or slower. You just are where you are. Okay? Got that? You promised me that. There is no shame in being where you're at.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:47]:
Alright. Here are four reasons why you aren't over the infidelity yet. The first reason why you're not over the infidelity yet is because you don't have a new narrative that makes sense. You don't have a new narrative that makes sense to you, and you're still struggling to figure it out. Now let me explain what I mean by that. Humans are meaning making machines. We make sense of our environment. We make sense of things.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:22]:
And when things don't make sense, our brains seek to make sense of them. It's why we like mysteries. We like solving problems. We like putting together all those clues and being like, oh my god. I totally get it. We make meaning of things because that's what humans do. We need to make meaning out of things. We need to because it keeps us safe.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:51]:
We need to make predictions about things because it takes less brain energy. When we were out there living in indigenous societies, when we were in a tribal culture and we were struggling literally for survival every day. If one lion attacked somebody in our tribe, we will then categorize all felines, all large cats are dangerous. We wouldn't say, oh, wow. This is a female lion. This is a male lion. We're just gonna say large cat, bad. They're a predator.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:31]:
They will hurt us. Same thing if a certain berry of a certain color makes us sick. We're not gonna be curious. Oh, I wonder if the purple one is better. Oh, I wonder if the one that's slightly more red. We just categorize. Okay. Not good.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:46]:
Don't eat things that are red. We categorize, and we stay away because it's easier and it's more efficient. So what happens when we have faced infidelity? We try to make sense of it. Why do we try to make sense of it? So it won't happen again. So we can stay safe. So we can figure out what we did, quote, unquote, wrong. We're trying to figure out what signs we missed so it won't happen again and so we can stay safe. So in order to get over the infidelity, your mind needs to create a narrative that makes sense so you can put this to rest, so you can stop being hypervigilant, so you can say, okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:35]:
Every time he did x, y, and z, what it really meant was. So then you can look out for it again and not be taken in. We are seeking to make meaning of our situation so we can keep ourselves safe. We have to create a narrative for ourselves that makes sense. If not, we stay in the trauma, we stay in the drama, and we stay in that hypervigilant state of looking for clues to try to figure it out. I had mentioned earlier that humans like mysteries. We like solving puzzles. That's why we like games.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:21]:
We're given clues, like Wordle, the little word game where you've tried to find the words, crossword puzzles, all the different things. And they give us clues, and our brain finds it fun and satisfying to put those clues together to make sense. Infidelity yet is because you're you haven't figured it out. You haven't figured it out. You don't have a new narrative that makes sense, and your brain cannot stop. Your brain cannot stop until it makes sense. So you're not weak. You're not defective.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:00]:
You're not broken. It's your brain's job to make sense of things. Okay. So let's talk about this a little bit more. Do you know what's so hard about infidelity? What's so hard about infidelity is in our culture, there are not a lot of positive narratives around infidelity. We don't talk about it. That's one of the things that I am on a mission to change. I want to change the narrative around infidelity.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:32]:
I want us to talk about infidelity. If you look at the stats, infidelity is enormously prevalent in our culture, in our society. Why aren't we talking about it? When it's so prevalent, we should have a 1,000,000 different narratives about it because it happens to so many people. But we don't. We only have a lot of false narratives out there that we try to apply to our situation. And then we get frustrated because it doesn't apply to our situation, and we don't know what to do. So our mind keeps roving, looking for a narrative that makes sense. So let's talk about some of these narratives that are out there.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:18]:
What are some of the stereotypical beliefs that you have around infidelity? Let me tell you some of mine. First and foremost, I believed it happened to other people. I didn't believe it was even remotely possible to happen to somebody like me, to happen in a marriage like mine, to have my husband be capable of either having sex with somebody else that wasn't me or having an emotional connection with somebody that wasn't me or to lie to me to that depth. I did not think that was possible. I thought affairs happened to people who were trashy. I thought affairs happened to people who were not educated, who didn't care about their relationships, who had no skills. I didn't think it could happen to us because of those narratives out there that trashy families have affairs. I thought women who didn't keep good care of themselves, who were nagging at their husbands, who weren't good partners.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:29]:
I thought affairs happened to those kind of people because that's the narrative that is out there. The other narrative that's out there is that it's passion. It's true love. It's hot lust. It's just this white hot passion. And somebody is blown away by the intense sexual chemistry of somebody. That's another narrative that is out there. And that sure didn't fit in my situation, in my narrative.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:59]:
So what did my brain do? This situation didn't fit, and that situation didn't fit. What else could possibly be true? And it left me in this state of perpetual confusion where I really couldn't get my balance because it didn't make sense. So that triggers obsessive thoughts. Well, if it's not this and it's not that, what is it? Maybe it's this. Maybe it's that. Maybe there was. Maybe I did. Maybe he did.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:28]:
Maybe when the truth of the matter is there are a 1000000 different narratives out there. It's very rare that 2 narratives are exactly alike. And if we talked about infidelity more freely and more openly, we would all see the reasons why infidelity is such a big thing. And it does not have to do with a trashy partner with no morals. And it does not have to do with a woman who gains weight and doesn't keep care of herself and nags her husband all the time and is more focused on the kids. Those narratives of white hot passion and the man with no morals and the nagging wife are 3 very rare narratives. I'm just gonna say it. They're very rare.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:25]:
Do they happen? Of course, they happen. Everything happens. But that's not what usually happens. What usually happens is men or women who are good people, who have morals, who love their families, who love their spouse, who love their lives, for some reason, feel like they have no other choice. And they're very sad, and they can't express their dissatisfaction, and they can't even identify their dissatisfaction. And they find themselves caught up in a situation that is very shameful and embarrassing to them. If you talk to cheaters, a lot of the cheaters say things like I never thought I would get here. This isn't who I am.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:21]:
I am guilt ridden. I am filled with shame. I am embarrassed. This is not who I am, and this is not where I wanted to be. And the other thing they're gonna say a lot is, I don't know how I found myself here. And while that phrase is really triggering because it kind of absolves them of a mode of accountability, It's also really true. So many cheaters are like, I don't even know how I got here in the first place. And to me, that just goes to show how little we talk about infidelity and how little they know of what's going on within themselves.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:05]:
And that's the collective reason of why we're not getting over this. We're not getting over it because none of us understand it. I'm not here to spread all this love and compassion towards the cheater at your expense, but I'm also not here to bash the cheater because I don't think that's gonna help. And I don't think it's gonna help you, and I don't think it's going to help the cheater grow and change. Most people cheat because they don't have other tools to make themselves feel better. If we talked about that openly and honestly, we could come to terms with the fact that this is kind of a universal crisis. And in order to address that universal crisis, there's a lot of things that we need to do. And one of the things that we need to do is create new narratives around it so there's less shame, there's less guilt, there's less embarrassment, and there is more empowerment around that.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:04]:
Having more empowerment and more conversation would mean fewer people are cheating, and those of us who have been cheated on are more able to heal because we know it's not about us. We know we didn't choose the wrong partner. We didn't do anything wrong. We know the narrative is cheating is something that people do when they feel like they have no other option, and it has nothing to do with us. Because here's the thing. Yes. You will heal when you create a narrative that makes sense around your situation. Your partner will heal when they create a narrative around what made sense for them and their situation and why they cheated.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:48]:
And you as a couple will heal when you create a narrative around your relationship that adequately explains what happened for both of you individually as well as for you as a couple. That is reason number 1 why you're not over it yet. There's not a satisfactory narrative. Look around you. If you can't find a satisfactory narrative, which you probably won't, how can you create one that works for all 3 of you? And by 3, I mean, you, your partner, and you as a couple. The relationship is an entity. You, your partner, and the relationship all need narratives around what happened and why that makes sense. We're not talking about gaslighting, pulling the wool over your eyes, spiritually bypassing, la la la, happy story.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:41]:
We're talking a real narrative that makes sense and that satisfies you on a solo level, on an intellectual level, and on a heart level. And if you need help with that, reach out. I can totally help you with that. And I've got several free resources and tools around that. Go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Download your betrayal recovery toolkit. One of the things in that toolkit is a downloadable journal where you can make sense of the past, make sense of the present, and make sense of the future. I've got some podcast episodes there.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:20]:
I've got some great resources there. Use of that. Create a new narrative. If that doesn't work, reach out. I always do free 30 minute sessions to help you through these sticking points. So reach out to me, and then let's work on that together. Okay. The number two reason why you are not over it yet is because you haven't decided what you want.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:47]:
Making decisions is scary. There are a lot of reasons why we don't make decisions, and I wrote out a few of them because I didn't wanna forget. Fear, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of regret, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of, fear of putting our stake in the ground publicly and having other people see that that's what we are choosing. And even if it's not fear of failure or fear of judgment, sometimes just being that open and staking your claim creates a lot of anxiety. It makes us vulnerable because it really makes us seen. If you were out there and you're saying, I'm choosing this, it just makes you visible, and that's a scary place to be. But here's the truth. Unless you decide what you want, you can't heal.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:47]:
You can't heal unless you decide what you want because you're always going to be in limbo. If you decide you wanna work it out and stay together and it doesn't work out, at least you know. At least you know. Instead of having all of these different timelines, timeline a, where we stay together and we're happy, timeline b, where we stay together and he cheats again, timeline c, where I stay together and we're miserable, Timeline d, where I want to, but he doesn't want to. Timeline e, where he wants to, but I want to. Timeline f, where we separate and I find somebody else. Timeline g, where I separate and I never find somebody else. Timeline a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, I, j, k, a 1, a 2.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:28]:
Like, there are so many timelines out there. And when we're living in that place where there are infinite timelines, we can't heal because we're standing in the middle of all of these infinite timelines, and it's like we're holding our breath. Which path am I gonna go on? How am I gonna do this? It doesn't matter if the path that you choose is ultimately, quote, successful or, quote, a failure. What matters is making a decision so you can move on. You know that Robert Frost poem, 2 roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both. You can't travel both. You have to travel 1. If you choose 1 and a fork ends up taking you to the other later on down the line, that's fine, but you've got to choose something.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:28]:
You've got to decide what you want in order to move on that path in order to heal. So number one reason people don't heal is because they don't have a narrative that makes sense. But the number 2 reason is because they haven't decided. They haven't decided what they want. And here's what I'm gonna say around that too, because it might seem like on the one hand, I tell people often, don't rush into making a decision. And that's true. Give yourself a year if you can in order to decide, but also don't not decide. You've got to decide nothing.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:09]:
Between 1 3 years is really the prime optimal time to start making decisions and figuring it out. If it's been longer than 3 years, get off the pot and make a decision. If it's sooner than 1 year, give yourself a little time between but between 1 3 years, make some sort of decision about what you want, about what you will tolerate, about what you won't tolerate, about the kind of relationship that you want to have. Do you want to use this as an experience to increase intimacy, to have a better marriage, to have a better relationship? Do you want to use this as just something that we sweep under the rug and you move on? Because you know what? Life was good enough. That is a fair decision. That is a total fair decision. I don't want anybody out there feeling guilt or shame because they don't wanna, like, elevate their marriage and be all that they can be and start a new business and lose £50 and blah blah blah blah blah blah. If you're like, no.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:06]:
I just wanna put this behind me and to go back to how life was, that is fair. Decide that. This is your life. You get to call it. If you just wanna put it behind you and go back to how it was, do it. If you wanna use this to leave because you've been thinking about leaving anyway, do it. If you wanna use this to elevate your marriage and elevate yourself, do it. You get to choose.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:33]:
You get to choose, but make a decision. Chances are you're gonna have to decide something else along the way. It's not like, seriously, how many times in life do we just make one decision then it just flows and we never have to make another decision? That's not a thing. One decision always leads to another decision, so make a decision. Part of the reason you're not healing is because you haven't made a decision. And same thing if you need help making a decision, reach out. There's therapists out there. There's clergy members out there.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:05]:
There's friends out there. I'm out here. Join my Facebook group, crowdsource with the other people who have been through this. Be careful who you surround yourself with. Yes. Don't pick the most judgmental, nasty person out there. Don't pick somebody who is not where you want to be. Don't ever take advice from somebody who is not where you want to be.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:30]:
If somebody is happy and glowing and powerful and passionate, and you're like, I want some of that, take advice from them. If somebody is negative and dark and bitter, don't take advice from them unless you wanna be negative and dark and bitter, unless they're saying, don't do what I did. Do something else. But in general, surround yourself with the kind of people that you want to become. Surround yourself with the kind of people who are the kind of person that you wanna become. Take advice from people who are where you want to be. Decide what you want your future to be like, claim it, and move towards that piece by piece. Yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:17]:
It's gonna take time, but at least you've made a decision. Number 3 reason why you are not over the infidelity yet. And this is a hard one to hear, but maybe you're unwilling to let it go. Maybe you're not ready to let it go yet. There's some light and dark aspects of this. Sometimes you're not willing to let it go because you don't want your partner off the hook. This was big for me. This is big for a lot of the people that I work with.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:55]:
They're like, I don't wanna heal too fast because then that lets my partner know what wasn't that big of a deal, and it lets them off the hook. And I want them to see me suffer. I want them to see the pain that they have caused. I want them to see and know and feel that they destroyed me, and they destroyed our family. I want them to see me hurt. Yeah. Don't we? Yes. Now here's what I'm gonna say.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:26]:
We all wanna be seen. We all wanna be known. We all want our pain acknowledged, but be careful not to get stuck in that loop of forevermore keeping yourself trapped just so your partner will know how bad they did. That is that whole judgment. When we judge somebody else, it's like a sword falling on our own head. It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. There are so many analogies and stories around that, but I really want you to ask yourself in all honesty, how were you hurting yourself in order to get back at your partner? And if you're doing it a little bit, that's okay. If you're doing it early on, that's okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:25]:
But just be aware and ask yourself how long am I willing to hurt myself just to show them? So cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's valid. But at some point you need to choose you. Now another reason, but sometimes we're unwilling to let it go is couple reasons. We're not really ready to step up to the plate. We're not really ready to do that next thing that we know we need to do. We have kids at home. I can't do this now.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:05]:
We've got debt. I can't do this now. My parents are sick or somebody is ill or something is happening. I can't do this now. So we're unwilling to let it go because we're not really ready to step into that next phase. Now, again, sometimes this is totally valid. I can't do this now. And sometimes it's just something that's within us because we're afraid.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:33]:
I'm terrified to pay the bills on my own. I'm terrified to go out there and date and find a new relationship. I'm terrified to just do life on my own. I don't wanna be alone. I'm not ready. This is scary for me. How you move through that is slowly. You just acknowledge it.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:00]:
Finances scare me. Being alone feels terrifying. I'd rather have something than nothing. Admit what you're afraid of. Admit what you don't wanna let go. Here is another big one around not being ready to let it go. Sometimes we're not ready to let something go because if we let it go, then we're gonna see that it wasn't as big of a deal as we thought that it was earlier. Now what I mean by that is, like, if I let my partner go and then suddenly I realize I'm happier without him, that means I made a bad decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:41]:
That means I spent too long in a bad marriage. That means blah blah blah, and we put judgment around it. So we don't wanna let our partner go because it's gonna mean they weren't that important in the first place. So that that might mean our marriage wasn't that important in the first place. All of those different layers. So give yourself some time to work through those different layers, to ask yourself some of those questions, like why am I unwilling to let it go? What am I holding onto? This also goes back to the first question. And I know I spent a lot of time around that first question about the narrative, a new narrative to make sense of it all. But I spent a lot of time around it because it's important.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:30]:
When you have a narrative around what it means to let something go, it can help you release and let go. So to recap, the first reason why you're not over it is because you don't have a narrative that makes sense. The second reason why you're not over it is because you haven't decided what you want yet. So you're still in that state of uncertainty. The third reason you're not over it yet is because you're not willing to let it go. Ask yourself why. What are you afraid of? And then the 4th reason why you're not over it yet is because grief takes time. Let's be honest.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:10]:
Grief takes time. You're not over it because it takes time to heal. When you were a victim of infidelity, it impacts your past. Every memory you've ever had is suddenly colored by that. It impacts your anticipated future because suddenly it's not the marriage that you thought you had. It impacts your view of yourself. Who am I? I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:38]:
I'm not pretty enough. I'm not creative enough. I'm not whatever it is sexually attractive enough, it impacts your identity. It uncovers old wounds, every attachment wound, every fear of abandonment, mother wound, father wound, ancestral wound. It opens up all of those wounds every time somebody has cheated on you in the past or gaslit you in the past. Anything that is even the slightest bit unhealed is gonna come up, and it's gonna reconfirm all of your greatest fears that I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:18]:
I can't keep a man. I'm not a good mom. I'm not. It's gonna open every single wound you ever had. So when you face infidelity, you're not just facing the one wound of infidelity. Oh, no. No. No.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:31]:
No. You are facing all of the past wounds that you have ever had all of your past fears, and you are healing everything. And that takes time. And, yes, you might have done inner child work before. You might have addressed your abandonment wound before. You might heal your daddy issues before, but this is confirming for you that whatever I did was not good enough. Whatever I did, I'm still damaged. I'm still broken.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:02]:
It raises all of those demons, all of those fears, and it makes you believe the worst things about yourself. So, oh my god, sweetheart. That's a lot. Give yourself time. Give yourself space. Feel your pain, and give yourself grace. You're not over it because it's not just it. It is all the things.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:29]:
You're not over it. It's all the things. Here's another thing too. Not only are you grieving all of that stuff for your past, your present, your future, your marriage, your insecurities, you're also grieving the loss of this partner you thought you had. I thought Sean was a man of integrity and faith and goodwill and honesty and blah blah blah blah blah. And all of a sudden, I'm like, bam. These nears get held up and you're like, that's not who I thought they were, and it's destabilizing. So you're also grieving the loss of your partner as well as yourself, as well as your marriage, as well as your past, as well as your future, as well as this, as well as that.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:21]:
Grief takes time. You're not over it because you're grieving a 1000000 different things, which again goes back to the first point that I made. It's the narrative around it. And that we don't have quality narratives out there that we can easily hook onto. It's back to that profiling thing. If you've got a negative stereotype about somebody and you see somebody who embodies that stereotype doing what you thought they were gonna do, you're like, I figured it out. And it's an easy narrative to grasp ahold of. Versus if you see somebody of that stereotype that you have got judgment around doing something that you never believed possible, you're gonna be like, wait.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:08]:
What? And that cognitive dissonance comes up. How can somebody like that be doing something like this? It's the whole not going down a political thing, but it's the whole idea of I heard this, and I thought it was hysterical. The stereotypical redneck with a gun rack in the back of their car, stereotypically, you don't think of as a liberal democrat. It's not what you think of. So when you see somebody, there's even an Instagram guy, and he's like this redneck. He talks this with his twang, and he's like the stereotypical redneck, and he's liberal. And that's what's so funny about him, and that's why his Instagram is so popular because he defies the stereotype. And it makes you go, wait.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:58]:
What? I didn't think that kind of person, in quotes, would have these kind of beliefs. When we have narratives that don't fit our stereotypical beliefs, it allows us to expand. Because of people like that Instagrammer, and I can't remember his name, because of experiences like that, it opens the aperture for us. And we can say, oh, there's a different story around this, and grief doesn't have to take this much time. And and my partner doesn't have to be a bad guy. All cheaters aren't bad guys. All cheaters aren't selfish and evil and lust filled. All cheaters aren't addicts, and it opens the aperture so then we can create a new narrative around it that might fit our situation better.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:57]:
And we can see that more than one thing is possible. He's not a sociopath. He's not a narcissist. There are a lot of narcissists out there, but not all cheaters are narcissists. And we throw labels around so easily to our own detriment. And then we try to create a narrative that doesn't work. One of the reasons that people hire me that I hear a lot is that I have given them a new narrative for what's possible, that they don't have to get divorced, that if they do get divorced, it doesn't have to be bitter and contentious, that they don't have to stay broken, that they don't have to leave, that they don't have to do all of these different things, that they can create a situation that works for them, that they can heal their childhood wounds, their abandonment wounds, their attachment style wounds. They can do all of these different things.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:52]:
They can take time to grieve. They can let it go. Their partner can still be quote, unquote, punished in different ways, even though they are happy and healthy. They have a new narrative. They have the power to decide what they want. And I can't tell you how many times I hear that. And I feel like the more we create stories for ourselves, the more we set other people free to create stories for themselves as well. So those are the four reasons why you are not over it yet, it being all the things.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:39]:
You haven't had an created a narrative or found a narrative that makes sense for either you, your partner, or for your relationship, or for all 3. You haven't figured out. You haven't decided what you want yet. You were unwilling to let it go for some reason, and grief takes time. You just simply haven't given it enough time because there was more there than maybe you realized. You had more trauma. You had more wounding. You had more past experiences, and you're just not over it yet because grief takes time.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:10]:
Now we are going to move into how to come to terms with what happened. And before we do that, and I have got 3 different ways to come to terms with what happened, I wanna say, why are you saying Lora how to come to terms with what happened instead of here are 3 different ways to get over it? I'm saying I I'm saying the words come to terms with it because I don't believe we ever just get over it. I don't think if we lose a loved one, whether it's a grandparent, a spouse, a child, a dog, a cat, our dream job, our dream house. I don't think we just get over things. I don't believe in closure. I don't believe in closure. I did an episode way back when on why I don't believe in closure, and we need to revisit that because I don't believe in closure. There is no such thing as closure.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:07]:
When we are seeking closure, it keeps us trapped because there is no such thing as closure. You will never get closure. Getting closure is the illusion that you will die happily in your bed, surrounded by loved ones with your toothpaste empty, your shampoo bottle empty, your cleanser empty, all your moisturizers empty, and you have time to things where you've eat everything in your refrigerator and everything is just done and you have this perfect closure. There is no such thing as closure. You do not get closure in death. You do not get closure in life. You do not get closure in infidelity, and you specifically never get closure in relationships. So when we can bust that narrative up, which I will do, by linking my old show or by maybe even recording a new one, that's when you can truly move on.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:55]:
It's when you have closure, not a thing. It's coming to terms with what happened. That's what matters. When you can come to terms with what happened is when you can move on. So let's talk about 3 different ways to come to terms with what happened. Plan number 1 or reason way number 1 to come to terms with things is to plan your work and work your plan. Now I'm gonna tell you a little story. In college, I was a Mary Kay lady.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:25]:
In college, I became a Mary Kay consultant, And that's where I learned about the power of planning your work and working your plan. And you're probably saying, Lora, what are you talking about? Okay. I loved Mary Kay when I was in college, and I had no money, and I needed to pay my rent, and I needed to eat. My parents paid my tuition and, my books, but I needed to pay my rent, my utilities, my gas, all of those things. So I needed to make money. I loved Mary Kay skincare and their products and their glamour. So I decided I was going to become a Mary Kay beauty consultant in order to pay all of my expenses. And, you know, it worked out reasonably well for me.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:11]:
It wasn't it wasn't everything that I thought it was going to be, but it wasn't a bad situation either. And one of the things that I loved about it was you've got business training. And what I will say about Mary Kay is she was a master at business and training and also positivity. I've learned so much from her that has served me really, really well throughout my entire life. And one of the most impactful things I learned from her was plan your work and work your plan. We've all heard the phrase, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and it's true. We all intend to eat well. We all intend to work out.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:55]:
We all intend to give our kids a great childhood and to give ourselves all the, we have all of these good intentions and life always gets in the way. So when you plan your work, you up your chances of success. It's like meal planning. If you plan your meals, you're more likely to make those meals. If you meal prep, you're even more likely to make those meals because the meal is prepped and it's in your refrigerator. If you chop up fruits and vegetables, you are more likely to eat those fruits and vegetables than if you don't chop them up and your box of cookies is sitting there. It's easier to grab the cookies than it is to get a fruit out and chop it up or get a veggie out and wash it and clean it. So when you prepare for things, it ups your success.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:43]:
Basic common sense there, really, if you think about it. But it's one of those things that we don't do when it comes to a fair recovery. We think will the time heals all wounds. We think that we'll just have great conversations with our partner, and it'll work out. We think that we'll listen to podcasts or read books or see a therapist once every 2 weeks, and it'll work. I hate to burst your bubble, but it doesn't work that way. And you might be thinking I'm seeing a therapist. I'm doing all the things.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:16]:
It doesn't matter. You have to plan your work and work your plan. Why are you seeing a therapist? What are you hoping to get out of it? You have to have intention around it. Why are you listening to the podcast? Why are you reading the books? And how how are you applying the information that you learn to your life? Why are you listening to it, and how are you applying it to your life? That is planning your work, and then you work that plan. What is it that you are struggling with in your recovery right now? Is it the grief? Is it communication? Is it a partner who's not interested? Is it distraction? Is it illness? What is it? That's why I'm so passionate about coaching. Coaches will ask you these questions. What are you struggling with? And then you can think about it and be like, I don't know. This is actually what I'm struggling with.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:15]:
And then a coach will say, okay. Let's brainstorm solutions around that. If it's obsessive thoughts, find some podcasts about obsessive thoughts. Find some books about obsessive thoughts. Let's talk about obsessive thoughts. Now let's try different tools to quell those obsessive thoughts. Did EMDR do it? Yes or no? Did hypnosis do it? Yes or no? Does meditation do it? Yes or no? How do you apply those things that you have learned to yourself in your situation? That's planning your work and working your plan. It's finding somebody.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:50]:
I'm a believer in coaches. I have used coaches to get my business up and running, to get my personal life up and running. I use coaches for everything to get my fitness level up and running because I know I am not accountable to myself. I am sitting here recording this show actually today in workout gear because I was gonna work out at 9 this morning. It is now 6:0:9 at night. I have not worked out because today was not a day that I had a coach. I was gonna do it on my own. Did that work? No.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:21]:
It didn't work. I am gonna go work out after this, but still, this is why we need external accountability. Plan your work and work your plan. And if you need someone to help you plan that work, do it. And if you need someone to help you be accountable to work the plan, do it. But what I want you to do right now is go through those four reasons why you're not over it, and I want you to create a plan around how to get over it. So as a reminder, you don't have a new narrative. Create a plan for developing a new narrative.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:01]:
Number 2, you haven't decided what you want yet. Create a plan for deciding what you want. Number 3, you're not willing to let it go. Create a plan to figure out why you're not willing to let it go and how to get over it. And number 4, grief. What are you grieving? Create a grief plan. How do you need help moving through that grief? What are the tools that you need? What are the resources that you need? What is the support you need? Plan your work and work your plan. The second thing that you can do to come to terms with the infidelity is to stop focusing on the other person and to start focusing on you.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:46]:
Don't focus on what they did wrong. Don't focus on what they are doing right or wrong right now. Don't focus on them. Don't focus on your neighbor. Don't focus on your mother. Don't focus on anybody else. Don't peruse the posts in the Facebook group and be like, well, they're doing it and they're doing it and they're do focus on you. Focus on you.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:07]:
You are the only person that you can control. You are the only person that you can control. Well, focus on you. I'm gonna tell you another little story. I recently had the revelation that I will always be more resourced than Sean. Sean is my husband, the man who cheated on me, the man who I'm still together with, the man who I am more madly in love with right now than I ever was before because of the growth that we have had as individuals and as a couple. But despite all that growth, I will always be more resourced than him. I grew up in a way more functional household than him.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:56]:
I have always been into self development and coaching and therapy, and I've done all the things when I've read the books. And I've hired the coaches, and I've been accountable to myself. He is learning a lot through the therapy, through the work, through the spiritual, growth that he has done, which is why we're still together. But I will always be 10 steps ahead because I started earlier. And because of who I am, the realization that I had is that means in times of stress and conflict, it is most likely going to need to be me to be the one to step up to the plate, to put my ego aside, to be the bigger person in that moment in order to get us through the hard times. And I don't mean that in a codependent, wimpy way. It's always come to me. I mean it in a very realistic way.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:57]:
This is what I can contribute to the relationship. I am better at putting my ego aside and apologizing first. I'm better at saying, I don't like the tone of this conversation. I don't like the way this is going. I feel like it's going to be damaging to each of us into our relationship. I am going to call the time out. I am better at going into my wise adult self than he is. That's what I can contribute to the relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:27]:
He can can contribute other things, but that is what I can contribute to the relationship. That is my strength. I'm focusing on me. I'm focusing on what I can do. I'm not getting into the story of, oh my god. It always has to be me. And if he really loved me, he would do this. Oh, here I go again.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:50]:
It's focusing on me. It's owning that that is a strength of mine and that I can con I can do that to contribute to the relationship. So that's my question for you. What are your strengths, and what can you contribute not only to the relationship, but to yourself? And then, also, let your partner own his or her strengths. What are their strengths? What they can they can contribute? And to release what's theirs and to own what's yours. And you can contribute it. And here's the thing. If you contribute your strength towards the relationship and it is not getting accepted, it's not being received and it's not elevating things, then at some point, yeah, you may need to get out of that relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:40]:
I'm not all about saving the marriage at all costs. I am about saving yourself at all costs and owning your strength at all costs. And if your gifts are not being received or appreciated, then maybe you don't need to bring them to your partner anymore. Maybe it's time to bring them to somebody who will appreciate them. But until you are in the mastery, in the strength of your own gifts, you're not necessarily coming to terms with things. And I hope that makes sense because you can only control you. You need to be aware of your strengths and your gifts, and that awareness then will let you know if you were in a reciprocal relationship or not. So in order to come to terms with the infidelity, part of it is coming to terms with your own zone of genius and your own gifts and standing and mastering those gifts and those owning that zone of genius so you can move forward, whether it is this relationship or another relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:46]:
If you wanna talk about that further, let me know because that's huge. I feel like we could take a deep dive on that one for a long time. Okay. The very third thing, the third and final way that you can come to terms with the infidelity and move on is by learning how to flaunt. And as you know, flaunt is all of my intellectual property. It's all of my work. It's everything that I teach. It's everything that I believe in.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:16]:
It's the core truth, and here's why. When you are hurt, when you find out about the infidelity, when you have d day, when you are broken, you compress, You crumple. You fade. You crack. You break. I broke, and you compress in such a sadly beautiful pain filled way. And that's okay. You crumple because you've been broken and you stay folded in and compressed to protect yourself because your heart can't take anymore.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:58]:
Your spirit can't take anymore. But here's the thing. It's time to move forward from that crumpled broken space. It's time to start expanding and breathing life back into your heart. It's time to flaunt. The energy of flaunt is not about boasting, bragging, and being what you're not. It's about reclaiming your divine sovereignty, your divine spirituality as a divine child of God source, whoever you wanna call universe, Buddha, whatever. You are a spark of the divine and the divine does not want you to be broken and compressed the rest of your life.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:48]:
Flaunting is about stepping into that power, into that beauty and becoming everything that you are, everything that you were meant to be. It's also an acronym. I've got plenty of, shows where I take you through those acronyms. If you go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com, the betrayal recovery guide, which is one of the downloads walks you through those acronyms. But you heal by moving from that compressed and broken and into that beautiful, expansive state of flaunt. So in order to heal, in order to move on, plan your work and work your plan, own your strengths and focus on you. And remember to flaunt. And with that, reach out, connect.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:43]:
Let's just have a conversation. I've been where you're at. It sucks. Let me help you get to the other side. It's it's sunny and happy, and it's much better here. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. Are you ready to break through and find out what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal? If you were tired of the anguish, the pain, the confusion, the overwhelm, or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your 1 on 1 hour long breakthrough call, and together, we will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of betrayal.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:42]:
During our time together, you can explain what's going on with you. Together, we will figure out what it is that's blocking you, whether it's your partner's stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you, mindset, finances, concern about your kids. Whatever it is, together we will figure out what that block is, and then we will put together a strategy. So you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of betrayal without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted and losing focus and wasting time, money or your valuable energy. Isn't it time for you to get where you want to be? On the other side of this horrific situation, looking back with peace and perspective. When we get together, not only will you have that 1 on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, but we'll also record it. So everything will be memorialized and you always will have something to go back to. So you know your own personalized plan.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:02]:
And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me so you won't lose track, so you won't get derailed. And so if you need something adjusted, together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com and click on the pop up link, or reach out Lora, l o r a, at Lora Cheadle, l o r a c headle dot com, and let's get you scheduled. I can't wait to help you step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth, and create exactly the kind of life that you love.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:58]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.