The Shame of Betrayal – Making Decisions That Help You Heal

Narrator [00:00:01]:

You're listening to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life your body, or someone that you love, you're not alone. No matter what you've been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence joy and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish, tune in weekly, and learn how.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help, Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband's infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn't shut off my brain. Evening was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time And for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you're having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can't focus, better help is here to help you. Better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help.

You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There's a broad range of expertise and better helps 20 and plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs and then you'll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions Plus, you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know the confidentiality was important for me. especially early on when I couldn't even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone canned about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal.

You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime. Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experience better help therapist. Special offer to FLAUNT!, create a life you love after. infidelity, and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at betterhelp.com/ FLAUNT!. That's betterhelp.help.com/ Flount, f l a u n t. Thanks again to better help for sponsoring this podcast.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:47]:

Are you ready to break through and find out what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal? If you were tired of the anguish, the pain, the confusion, the overwhelm or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your one on 1 our long breakthrough call. And together, we will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of the trail. During our time together, you can explain what's going on with you.

Together, we will figure out what it is that's blocking you, whether it's your partner's stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you. mindset, finances, concern about your kids. Whatever it is, together, we will figure out what that block is And then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of the trail. without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted, and losing focus. and wasting time, money, or your valuable energy. Isn't it time for you to get where you want to be? on the other side of this horrific situation looking back with peace and perspective.

When we get together, not only will you have that one on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, but we'll also record it. So everything will be memorialized, and you always will have something to go back to so you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me, so you won't lose track. so you won't get derailed. And so, if you need something adjusted, together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go tobetrayalrecoveryguide.com and click on the pop up link. or reach out Lora, l o r a, at lord Cheadle, l o r a, cheadele.com, and let's get you scheduled. Account wait to help you. step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth, and create exactly the kind of life. that you love.

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I'm Lora Cheadle, and I'm an attorney and betrayal recovery coach who believes the betrayal uncovers the truth. Not only the truth about the person who betrayed you, but about yourself and about all of the things inside that are holding you back. that you've put away to deal with later and then maybe never got around to dealing with. It uncovers the truth about all of the ways you've betrayed yourself. Every time you seek to please conform or perform for others. And what I do is I work with women who want to turn the devastation of this experience into a reclamation of themselves and what's possible for them.

What I do is I help women find their clarity figure out what they want to do going forward, whether it's staying married or not, or whether it's changing careers or changing around their whole life or regrounding into exactly what they had. And then I help them find the confidence and develop the strength to be able to make the choices and make take action on the decisions that they've made. Because when we are clear and when we are confident, that's when we are truly able to create lives we love. on our own terms.

To learn more, go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com and you can download your copy of my sparkle after betrayal recovery guide. It's a very simple guide. that outlines 3 things you can do to start regaining your power, to start getting clear on who you are, and what you want and to start rebuilding that confidence. And then if you'd like more, reach out. I'm happy to get together just one on one for an appointment and work with you, to talk with you, to help you lay out this path so you can see all of those landmines clearly, and so you can do what you need to do to avoid them and to move forward with confidence.

Today, we are going to talk about the shame of being betrayed. Shame is one of those land mines that definitely gets in the way. And not many people talk about the shame of being betrayed. and that's why I'm here. I wanna talk about the hard things. I wanna talk about the things that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about. because what I know for sure is our fear. That fear that we feel in facing something hard is so much harder and so much more fearful than the thing itself. I mean, on a very small level, I don't know if you've ever had an experience where you look at your schedule for the day and you're like, oh my god. I can't do all of this. I have this, and I have that. and you obsess over all the things that you have to do blah blah blah blah blah.

But then when you're living that day, when you're actually in the moment, it just kind of flows. And sure, maybe you have to rush from one thing to another, but actually living it is less hard than thinking about it and obsessing over it. And that's the truth with everything. The fear of making a decision, the fear of getting a divorce, the fear of confronting our partner. the fear of telling family or friends what happened in our life. That fear is so much greater. than actually doing it. And the other thing I know for sure is the longer you wait, the worse it gets. The longer you wait to face that fear, The absolute worse it gets and the more debilitating it seems. No.

I wanna lean in here with a whole lot of empathy, though, because I know how it is, and I wanna tell you a little story because right now is the 5 year anniversary of an event that changed my life for good. And what's scary about it What's scary about this anniversary is every year, I think back. And I think about what would have happened if I would have made the other choice because the truth of the matter was, I almost didn't make the choice that I did. 5 years ago right now, I was in the car with my husband. We were a year out from the very 1st kind of small d day, and we were four and a half, five months out from d days 2, 3, 4, and 5.

And we were in the car heading to the airport going to an affair recovery weekend, and I was struggling. I definitely was struggling. And the closer we got to the airport, the more my anxiety started to peak. because it was bringing up so much because I was actually taking action. Sure. I had signed up for the retreat. Sure. I had paid for it. Sure. We had, you know, booked the flights. We'd booked the hotel room. We had done all of that, but that was more hypothetical. and here we were in the car going to the airport about to go, and I tell you I literally couldn't handle it. I kept thinking that we were gonna be the only normal people there. A truly pictured sitting in this hotel, you know, ballroom or conference room with a bunch of, like, total losers. I thought people would be, you know, yelling and throwing themselves around and talking about sex and It felt like I was heading to be a part of a trashy reality TV series, and that's just not me.

And I kept thinking, why am I doing this? Like, why am I subjecting myself to this? I don't wanna be with these people. Because I still was in that frame of mind that infidelity happens to other people and that infidelity happens to trashy people and that somebody like me and my husband, that we must somehow be the exception, that infidelity didn't happen to people like us. It happened to, like I said, weird, bad, trashy, whatever kinds of people. And I was terrified of sitting in a room with people who were not like me. and I was convinced that they weren't gonna be like me. I was also really afraid of being kind of in public, in talking to other people about our situation. And I thought, I'm just gonna walk in this room, and everybody's gonna look at me and they're gonna know, oh, she's the one he cheated on. Look at him. Look at her. And I thought people were gonna judge me. And I was hurt, obviously. I had just found out about d day, 3, 4, and 5, 2, 3, 4, and 5 and I just didn't wanna open myself up to any more judgment. I didn't want people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I didn't want people to look at me and think, what did she do wrong? You know, is she frigid? Is she bitchy at home? Wow. She looks normal, but I bet she's a tyrant to live with.

You know, all of those things were going through my head. And it was just like, I don't I don't wanna open myself up. I'm still wounded. I'm still hurt. I feel shame at being betrayed. I feel like I must have done something wrong. Like, I was not good enough or smart enough or thin enough or rich enough or pretty enough or kept a good enough house or cooked good enough meals or emphasized well enough, like, I really felt like everything was my fault. Ensure my rational brain knew that it wasn't the case. but I still didn't want to go traipsing into this stupid affair recovery and have people look at me and make any assumptions. So that was a part of it. The other thing that kept coming up in me was What if we fail? What if we go to this affair recovery weekend?

What if my husband doesn't participate? What if he does participate, and I learn things I don't wanna hear? What if We both participate, and we both do the work, and we still fail. What if we put all this money and time and energy into it and we realize that we don't even wanna be together? What if we learn these skills, but then we can't implement them in our daily life. Why am I working so hard? to come together with a person who betrayed me because how can I trust him? How can I trust that he's gonna do the work now went for 15 freaking years, he didn't do the work. And that felt really scary too. Like, Why am I trusting suddenly the person who betrayed my trust in the most significant way possible? That makes no sense. So in my mind, it's like, why am I gonna go? Open myself up to judgment. Why am I gonna go try really, really, really hard when success is not even guaranteed, and there was still a part of me that was like, I don't even know what I want. I think I want to save the marriage. I think I wanna try, but I'm not exactly sure. Like, Do I just wanna save it because I'm afraid and that feels like the safest option?

And what if I go through all of this and then I change my mind? And how do I unring that bell? So there was a lot a lot going through my mind. In literally every mile closer to the airport, my anxiety grew. And when I'm anxious, I start talking and I start picking, and I started doing that to my husband. I'm like, just turn around. This is stupid. This isn't gonna work anyway. This is not gonna work. This is totally dumb. I don't wanna sit in a room full of people like this. You know we're gonna be the only norm normal ones there. It's gonna be horrifying. It's gonna be embarrassing. What are they gonna do to you? What are they gonna do to me? What can we possibly learn in person in a conference that we can't learn online? What can we learn in a conference that we can't learn from a therapist? and he would just kinda nod and agree, but he kept driving.

And then I started getting personal about it. You're not even gonna work. You're not even gonna do I don't trust that you're gonna do the work. You're gonna sit there, and you're gonna be stone faced, and you're gonna be defensive. And it's not gonna work, so why are we even trying? and I don't wanna open up. I don't want people to judge me. I don't wanna sit there and hear all of the things that I could have done to make you happy. At which point, he pulled over calmly, and he looked at me in the eyes. And he was like, I'll do whatever you want me to do, Lora. But the thing is we're on our way. We've got the flights. We might as well just go and try. If we get there and everybody is a total loser, and we feel completely out of place, we can leave. We can turn it into kind of a vacation, We can just chill out in the hotel. We can do whatever we want to do.

There's no reason that we have to stay if we're not comfortable there. And even though that felt better, there was still a part of me that was like, I just don't even want to try. Don't even wanna try. But because we were that close to the airport, for some reason, going to the airport just felt easier. It felt harder to turn around. It felt harder to drive all the way back home. It felt harder to try to cancel the flight and it felt harder to lose the money that we had invested in the conference. It felt harder to unpack and to do all of that stuff. So kinda in resignation, I was just like, okay. Fine. Whatever. But inside, I was thinking, and I'm not gonna participate. I'll show up, but you can't make me like it, and you can't make me do the work.

And for the rest of the drive, I kept thinking about all of these reasons that I could throw up that would make it so I couldn't attend the conference. It's like, I can eat something bad. I can get sick to my stomach. I can have a sore throat. I you know, like, my mind is just generating all of these reasons why. I'm not gonna be able to participate. We got to the conference, and I'll give you the punch line right here. The conference changed my life. The conference changed my husband's life. Because it changed both of our lives, it changed our marriage. It changed our kids' lives. It changed my whole career because I went from just doing entrepreneurial and lawyer burnout to doing betrayal recovery, it's changed the lives of all of you listening to the podcast.

It has significantly changed the lives of the people who reach out and work with me or coach with me. Like, that one decision That one decision changed so many lives. So that is the upshot. It does have a happy ending. but now I wanna take you back. We're on the airplane. We're heading out there. My mind is coming up with all these reasons why I can't participate. We go to the hotel. It's really stressful. You know, there's people around a hotel, and all of a sudden you start looking around and you're thinking, like, who's the cheater, who is cheated on. God, I can't wait to see what she looks like. I bet they are. I mean, your your mind gets judgmental when you're in a state of at least my mind gets judgemental when I'm in the state of fear. I'm like, where's the fat ugly dumb ones? Because I'm in this total state of fear. So I'm afraid of being judged. So what am I doing? I'm I'm seeking to judge others. I'm seeking to see those women. and to just look at them and be like, uh-huh.

Of course, Chi Chi, to look at her. So I'm doing for others what I'm afraid people are gonna do to me. Mhmm. Real smart, Lora. And you know what? Everybody there looked normal. Everybody there looked normal. I'm looking for, like, men, you know, with the evil looking cheaters, the jiggle oat looking man, and None of the men looked like that, they all look normal. There were some really fit, healthy, happy looking couples There were some very elegant, professional looking couples. There were some couples where it looked like, oh, She probably stays home. He probably works. There were somewhere it looked like, oh, he might be the stay at home dad. She might work. I mean, it was, like, literally the cross section of population.

There's white color, there's blue color, there's every color color you can imagine. There's every body shape, every size, every age. There's young couples. There's middle age couples. There's old couples. Like, you're in a hotel, and it's just a cross section of people. and I couldn't tell. I couldn't tell who was there for this big olefairy recovery conference and who was just a normal guest. And I thought, okay. Check into our room. Show up the next day. I'll walk in that conference room. Maybe. I'll walk in that conference room. but I know what those those people are gonna look like. Got a good night sleep. woke up scared to death. Again, just like to the drive to the airport, I'm thinking about all these reasons. I can't show up. I can't show up. I don't know how I got myself down the elevator and into the conference room. But I walked into the conference room, and It was filled with normal people. But once again, it looked like any conference that I've been to before. nice looking couples, normal looking couples, all ages, all sizes, all socioeconomic classes.

And you know what? not one person looked like my trashy stereotypical vision of couples who face infidelity. Long story short, it did take me a little while to get into the groove. to warm up enough to start participating. But what helped was just being in that space. and looking around as being like, I'm not alone. I'm not alone, and I'm not wrong, and I'm not off, and I'm not bad. Oh my gosh. If it can happen to that woman over there who is beautiful and looks totally together, if it can happen to that woman over there who looks kind and loving. If those men who look like the most outstanding people in the world,

Can be the cheaters and these women can be the betrayed? I think I'm the 1. Who's wrong? I think I'm the one who is using my idea that this only happens to those kinds of people. to block my own healing. Some people were like me. They were nervous. They were scared. They were shamed. They didn't know what to expect. But what was really, really nice is everybody helping at this conference themselves had been through infidelity. And they were told we were told that they would talk to us that we could ask questions. -- that we could connect after the main conference that there would be time and space that we could talk to them and find out what they did and how they did it. And that was amazing. Because during the conference, they would sit around around the side so we could see them.

They were normal happy couples. They would smile. They would make eye contact with each other. They would touch. each other's hand, they would support each other. They were normal, happy, healthy couples. And it was like, oh, Now that's a vision for how I want to be. That's a vision for how I want my marriage to be. and they're not sitting there cloaked in shame, they're smiling and laughing and engaging and talking about it. And they were all talking about it in very candid ways, and you know what? That helps. Slowly throughout the weekend, I started getting a better handle on myself and my emotions and what I was feeling and what I was thinking. And You know, my perceptions about what a cheater looked like and what the betrayed spouse looked like definitely changed because the truth of the matter is infidelity happens across all ages, races, genders, relationship configurations, socioeconomic classes, all of that.

Like, it does not discriminate. It flat out does not discriminate. Yet I had so much shame as the betrayed partner that how could this happen to me? How could I be so wrong and so bad and so horrible that it happened to me? And that shame almost shut me down. That shame is what made me not want to get in the elevator and go down to the conference. That shame is what made me lose my ever loving mind and beg my husband for, like, 20 minutes on the way to the airport to please turn around. That shame is what prevented me from reaching out and getting help. from coaches, from counselors. That shame is what kept me off of. many support groups because I didn't want to show up and talk about it. I didn't want to show up and be the only nice one. The only normal one. And that was just so firmly fixed in my head that infidelity happens to other people. It doesn't happen to people like me.

And here's the whole sad truth of that. Had I not gotten help? How to not connect it with a community of people who are also facing infidelity? I don't think I would be in the position that I'm at. I truly don't think we would still be married. I don't think I would be doing the work that I'm doing. I don't think I would feel this level of gratitude, and joy, and peace, and understanding in my heart on a daily basis. But what are the questions that the people that I coach, the people that I work with, one on one, whether it's an individual session, or as a long term, you know, coaching session. One of the things they always ask me is, like, what is it like? What is it like on the other side of the trail? Because I don't understand what that other side is supposed to be or it can be. And here's how I like to answer that. The other side of betrayal truly is what you make it.

The other side of betrayal is truly whatever you make it. This is one of those situations where the choice is yours. And, oh my gosh, yes, it takes them immense courage. to choose to get help. To choose to stand up and say, my partner cheated on me. I was betrayed. I was hurt. I had my heart broken. I feel so much shame around this. And I don't know what to do to fix it. and I'm also terrified. What happens if it happens again? What happens if I open my heart, if I lean in, if I make all the right choices and do all the work? And what happens if my husband cheats again because that's gonna kill me? What happens if I get snookered again? Because I don't think I can take that pain.

And here's the thing. There are no guarantees. Sadly, you know that. Might you get snookered again? God. I hate to say it, but, yeah, you might. Might the relationship fall apart? Yeah. Might might your partner cheat again? Yeah. might they get scared and realize this work is hard and back out? Yeah. but you will never know unless you try. And that sounds so trite. You'll never know unless you try, but that was one of those things that started going through my head. I don't want to run. I don't wanna choose divorce. I don't wanna choose anger. I don't wanna choose all of that. unless I'm sure. I don't wanna look back. I don't wanna be on the other side of the trail looking back and think, I wonder what would have happened if I was brave enough to do the deep work. If I was brave enough to uncover all of the things in me, that were attracting the energy of that situation. Not that it's my fault at all, but like attracts like, what was my emotional state that allowed this situation to develop and evolve.

What are those land mines that I have buried, that I have not addressed, that I have not wanted to see, that I have not known how to see? Well, what would it be like if I really gave it my all? because I don't like regret. I don't like regret at all. And I thought, if I choose to just walk away now to pull the plug now, there are a lot of things I'll never know. I'll never be able to make sense of my own past. I'll never be able to look back over the life of my marriage and absolutely know what was really going on. And here's the thing. My husband cheated for 15 years. He cheated literally from the time my kids were in preschool until the time they graduated from high school. He cheated their entire public school time. That's a lot of memories. That's a lot of events. That's a lot of Christmas' anniversaries. You name it. That's a lot. but I thought, I want to have the true perspective. I want to look back over those years and at least really know This explains why he would pick fights with me. Oh, this explains why he wasn't involved with the kids during the Saturday thing. Oh my gosh. This explains that day, he was late for our anniversary. This explains the year he didn't show up for our anniversary. This explains the reason why he was planning those trips to California. This explains, like, is that painful? yeah, that's really painful. Does it suck?

Yeah. It really sucks. But I thought for me, I wanted to know. because that way I could look back with truth. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I believe that after we die, we have a life review. And I believe when we have our life review, We go back through and we see all of the things that we did. Good, bad, right, wrong. but I also believe that we finally see it from a place of clarity. From that all knowing omnipresent you know, point of view where it's not me and it's not you. We see everybody's point of view. We're the neutral third party observer. And I kept thinking about that. I wanted to look back right now over my life as that neutral third party observer and figure out what was really going on and to know what was really going on. And I thought that was the only way that I could actually come up with a decision.

That's the only way that I could really move forward with 0 regrets because I knew what was going on. And I also knew that I didn't know what I was going to choose. I knew that I needed to be together with my partner in order to get this out of him. And that when we were together and as we were working together and as he got healthier, And as he got more stable and as he was able to transcend some of that shame and own what he did, that hopefully then he would be more accountable. He would be more able to make amends. And that then, once I knew the truth about everything because betrayal doesn't cover the truth, then and only then, Could I truly decide what I wanted to do? And, you know, I really held space for Okay. Let's figure this out. Let's start unpacking those 15 years and figuring it out. And I thought maybe as we unpack those 15 years and I learned more and more and more and more and more and more,

Maybe I will decide that this is not a relationship I wanna stay in, but I wouldn't know unless I invested the time and got the help at the beginning to start figuring that out. And I also didn't want a second guess whether or not my husband was willing or able to do the work. I just thought, let's dive in and see what happens. And I am so glad we dove in. I am so glad I attended The event. I'm so glad I have continued to get coaching and counseling and therapy. And have couples events and individual events and help because it really has changed my life. for the better. And had I not done that? Yes. There's that whole regret piece because I never would have known what I was capable of. I never would have known what my husband was capable of, and I never would have grown. in a lot of the ways that I have grown. I talked about land mines, You know, some of the other land mines that led up to this situation. I did not cause the affair.

You did not cause the affair. Unless you held a gun to somebody's head and said now go cheat on me, you did not cause the affair. However, there's land mines, emotional landlines in all of us and all of our psychies. And, you know, I really had a lot of perfectionistic tendencies, and I really tried hard to be perfect. And that can shut down connections sometime. And that was one of those things that I didn't ever see, and I didn't ever address. because I only saw things from my point of view and from the patriarchal point of view that women had to be perfect. We had to be perfect wives and moms then we had to look amazing and have amazing houses and do all of that. So I was locked into that mindset.

And, again, it's not that it caused the affair No. It didn't. But it was just one of those things in me. I never addressed my perfectionistic tendencies, the way that I have now There were so many things that I didn't see or know or understand about my husband and trauma and all of these different, you know, things that he was going through, his point of view. I truly did not see life from his point of view at all. It's not that I was bad. It's not that I was cold, but he would tell me things, and I wouldn't understand it from his point of view. I learned through a fair recovery truly how to walk around and see things from his eyes. I learned about his inability to identify and express what he's feeling. I never knew that before. I would just get disgusted with him. I'd be like, He has no freaking clue, does he? He is totally emotionally inept, and I would get frustrated. and I would get dismissive of that. And it would be like, dude, you're an adult. Go take care of yourself. I've got 2 kids. I've got a bunch of animals. I've got myself, and I've got real things to do, and I would get kind of dismissive.

Instead of understanding, that truly is a dysfunction in him and a lot of men. He doesn't know how to identify his emotions. He doesn't know how to feel them or communicate what he's feeling. He doesn't know how to do that. It's not that you're emotionally inept. He doesn't know what it means to be emotionally intelligent. He doesn't know. It's not my job to educate him. It's not my job to teach him. But it is my job too, as I say, the Golden Center of Florence, except unconditionally. It's my job to accept that unconditionally and to manage myself around that. Ways that I manage that emotional ineptness now, and also he has done a lot of work. He's becoming way more emotionally intelligent. As first, I have to walk myself around to his point of view and figure out, is this something he's not seeing? He's not understanding, and he has no ability to communicate? If I care about him, which I do, now I will take the time to maybe see things from him his point of view. to see what his lived experience might be like in this moment.

Then I can offer some ideas or words for myself around what he might be feeling. And then it helps me in my response to that. and he is being accountable for his growth. And he will now say things like, I'm having troubles identifying what I'm feeling. There's just a lot coming Great. We're each doing our work. But the whole point is I addressed everything in me that I could address, big, small, and in between. I took the time to learn how to step into my own power. I was so good at turning power over. I was so good at I thought being respectful by saying you make this decision.

You figure that out. I don't really care either way. But what I was really, really doing was making myself hopeful in order to be loved. Helpful in order to be appreciated, helpful in order to be important. And you know what? That's manipulative. That is manipulative and that is not a way to live. and many of us do. Manipulation tends to be Broad strokes here, a female tactic because historically, we have been in the one down position, and we can't just stand in our power and say something and have everybody else jump. Historically, women have had to be a little bit manipulative to get men or those in power to do their bidding. So we have a long history of both witnessing Female manipulation, and practicing, female manipulation.

And you know what? That was something I needed to be done with. I wanted to be done with. I don't need to manipulate. I don't need to be passive aggressive. I can stand in my own truth. I can ask for things I can do things. I can speak my mind. Obviously, in a loving and caring way, And I can make decisions, and here's the kicker. I am strong enough to face the consequences of those decisions if they go bad. And, you know, I've made some really bad decisions, and I've had some really bad consequences, and I can really beat myself up over it. And that's okay because I'm strong enough to own it. I don't need to make somebody else make the decision for me, so then I can blame them when it goes wrong. That's just that little buffer level of protection. that really doesn't work. So that's what I did. I uncovered everything within me. I got help. I leaned in, and I just made the decisions one at a time. To face my shame, to face my judgment, to face my fear, to face myself, and to do the work, whatever that looked like. and to see what happened. They have no attachment really to the outcome, but just to let it be for whatever it was.

And I was really hopeful that my husband would do the same, and he has. And here's the other part about that that I want to get real on. Two people don't work at the same rate at the same time. I've got a brilliant friend who's a psychotherapist, and she says, You can liken it to lifting a box, a heavy, heavy, heavy box or a piece of furniture that requires two people. And unless you're squatting down at 1, 2, 3 lifting, the same time, there's not a lot of movement. Sometimes one person is lifting the edge of the couch, and they're yelling at the other person to lift, Sometimes somebody is all the way up, and somebody is just barely starting. Sometimes the person who first gets tired and puts that end of the couch down, and then the other person is left on their own.

And what's important is to recognize that you're each lifting? To recognize that even though you might not be lifting at the same time, it's okay. You're both making effort you both have your hands on the couch. When you take your hands off and stretch, that's okay too because you're committed and you're engaged, but that sometimes we all need a break. And then if you've got healthy communication and you're building healthy communication, that's when you can start communicating about how can we lift together. And what I said I really wanna get real about it is it's really frustrating sometimes when I'm doing the heavy lifting, and my partner needs a break. And I'm sure it's also really frustrating for him when he's doing the heavy lifting, and I'm the one that needs a break.

And what I wanna encourage you to do is to not blame the other person when they're taking a break. To see that they're taking a break, you could even acknowledge it looks like you might be taking a break, and it looks like I might be doing some heavy lifting. I'm going to take a break now. Let's come back together and talk about when might be a time when we can do this together. Just don't walk away. Don't look at your partner. Action speak louder than words. Yes. But don't look at your partner when they're taking a break or they're stretching their arms and be like, I'm out of here because you're not engaging. If they're not engaging consistently, that's a different story. But we all need breaks because this is really deep difficult, dark, hard work.

So stick with it. Communicate. and above all else make the decision to get help. Make the decision to help from somebody on the other side of infidelity. Make the decision to get help from somebody who is on the other side of infidelity who has the kind of life and or relationships that you want. Because as I said earlier, what is on the other side of infidelity is whatever you choose? You can choose hate and bitterness and brokenness You can choose revenge. You can choose to be a man hater. You can choose any of those things. I know a lot of people who have made that choice. You can choose that too, or you can choose people who have gone within, who have done their deep work, and who have created a life after infidelity that truly is better than it was before, that is richer than it was before, that is more intimate and connected and powerful and meaningful than it was before. Because I don't know about you. This was the most significant experience in my life. This was a cataclysmic event. And when you have a cataclysmic event, there is a lot of energy.

And as we know, energy doesn't just disappear. Energy is constant So we have this huge influx of energy. We have the potential to create destruction, or we have the potential to create something beautiful and powerful and new, and that's what I consciously chose. I consciously chose to create something bigger and stronger and more powerful I consciously chose to impact my life, my husband's life, my kid's life, all of your lives, other people's life, I made this choice. It didn't just happen. I didn't just get lucky. I didn't just, you know, randomly have this. I chose it. And just like the analogy of lifting the couch, there were plenty of moments where I was like, nope. I'm just gonna be bitter. This is too hard. This is too painful. There's so much shame around this and I'm not gonna do it, and that's okay. We only need those moments. But at the end of the day, I kept doing what I needed to do to transcend that shame, to transcend that pain, to stop blaming, and being afraid of judgment to face my demons, not only my own personal demons, but to face the demons, that were created by this infidelity to look them straight in the eye and to choose something better. to choose to get help, to choose to thrive. And that's what I want for you.

Wherever you're at but whether it's been a day, a week, a month, or 10 years. It's never too late to make a choice. It's never too late to make a choice that will impact your life if that's what you want. and I would love love to be the one that helps you through. If you want a life like mine, If you want to feel joy and peace, if you want to feel a heightened level of self awareness, if you want courage, if you want clarity, if you want confidence, then I'm the person to choose. Look at the people out there if you want something different. If you want their brand of whatever it is, choose that for yourself, but choose the person to help you who is like how you aspire to be on the other side of infidelity. Reach out. We can talk We can just have a single appointment.

We can have a single appointment whenever you feel the need, or you can choose a 6 month coaching package and have me in your pocket and in your ear every single day, literally, for the next 6 months. The choice is yours. you choose. And whether it's me or somebody else, whether it's coaching or counseling, whether it's whatever it is, What I want for you is to be brave enough to just make that choice. To look that shame and that fear in the eyes and be like, not today, Not today, and to make the choice to change your life. Thank you for being with me today. Again, download the betrayal recovery guide at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Reachout to me, Lora, Lora@louracheal.com, l o r a, cheadia.com. Let me know if you wanna work together just one on 1 as you need it. or if you want to really commit to change into changing yourself into uncovering the truth. and if you'd like to do the entire 6 month coaching package. Either way is absolutely fine with me. Lora@Loracheedle.com. betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Have an amazing week. Choose yourself Transcend that shame. You did nothing wrong. This happens to everyone. It's not you. and always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

Are you ready to break through and find out what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal? If you were tired of the anguish, the pain, the confusion, the overwhelm or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out, schedule your one on 1, our long breakthrough call. And together, we will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of betrayal. During our time together, you can explain what's going on with you. Together, we will figure out what it is that's blocking you, whether it's your partner's stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you. mindset, finances, concern about your kids.

Whatever it is, together, we will figure out what that block is, and then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of betrayal without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted, and losing focus and wasting time, money, or your valuable energy. isn't a time for you to get where you want to be. On the other side, of this horrific situation, looking back with peace and perspective. When we get together, not only will you have that one on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, but we'll also record it. So everything will be memorialized, and you always will have something to go back to so you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me. so you won't lose track, so you won't get derailed. And so, if you need something adjusted, Together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go to betrayal recovery guide .com and click on the pop up link, or reach out Lora, l o r a, at Lora Cheadle, l o r a, cheadle.com, and let's get you scheduled. Account wait to help you. step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth, and create exactly the kind of life. that you love.

Narrator [00:56:28]:

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. With radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheetle, every Wednesday at 7 and 7 PM EST, unsindicated DreamVision 7 radio network, develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love, and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at Naked self worth.com.