Intrusive Thoughts After Infidelity – Reclaim Your Brain & Feel Better Fast

Narrator [00:00:01]:
You're listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I'm Laurie Cheadle. And today, we are going to talk about managing intrusive thoughts. Mhmm. That's a big one, isn't it? I know that when you look at surveys, managing intrusive thoughts and having intrusive thoughts is one of the number one thing, the number one problems that people complain about. I also know from my experience coaching people that managing intrusive thoughts is a huge deal. And I think most importantly, I know from my own experience how hard it is to manage intrusive thoughts.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:28]:
So that's what we're gonna talk about. We are going to talk about intrusive thoughts. And we're gonna talk about how to manage them both in the moment, strategies that you can use like in that moment where suddenly the whole affair situation hijacks your brain, and you feel like you're going crazy because you can't focus on what you want to focus on. And we're also going to talk about some long term strategies that can help you break out of that patterning. Because, basically, that's what it is. It's patterning. So buckle up, and we are gonna get going. Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:11]:
1st, let's talk about what intrusive thoughts are. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts that bing pop up in your brain when you're doing something else and then suddenly you can't stop thinking about it. It's kinda like when you got a song stuck in your head and you're like, are you kidding me? I don't need this song in my head right now. Why is this song in my head right now? And you're trying to focus on something else and the song just keeps popping up. Earworm. That thought, that song, whatever it is, is an intrusive thought. It's invading your brain space. It's invading your day.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:58]:
It's making it so you can't think about what you wanna think about. You can't be present in the moment because your brain is like, hey, look over here. So you can't enjoy dinner. You can't enjoy intimacy. You can't read a book and stay focused. You can't watch a movie because all of these thoughts are crowding in and overwhelming your system. So that's what intrusive thoughts are. Now, in case you're thinking, I feel crazy, you're not.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:39]:
It's super, super common to have intrusive thoughts after infidelity. Here's a few of the different common places that can pop up. When you're trying to be intimate, when you're trying to rebuild, either physically or emotionally, Whenever you're opening yourself up again, whenever you're starting to open up, your heart, your head, your body, your spirit, your mind, whatever it is, that's when intrusive thoughts tend to come in. Why? Because they're protecting you. So on one hand, you're like, yes. I wanna connect. I wanna be intimate again. I want to be open.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:22]:
I wanna feel like normal again. I wanna feel like me again. And your thoughts come in and they're like, oh, no. This is not normal again. No. No. No. No.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:32]:
No. No. No. No. You don't. We're changing this all up because it's not normal again. Another time intrusive thoughts tend to crop up is at night when you're trying to sleep. Because if you're anything like so many people in the world, me included, we're busy.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:55]:
We have work. We have family. We have all of these things to take care of, just life, like cooking and showering and cleaning and buying groceries and doing all of these things. So we're busy all day long. And then nighttime rolls around and floods of intrusive thoughts come in because it's the first time that we've slowed down enough and our mind has not had the opportunity to process. So we lay in bed and then we're flooded. And then we can't sleep because our mind is racing. Another common time and place for intrusive thoughts is if the affair happened, like in a certain part of town at, your partner's place of work, at a certain hotel, if they met at a park, if they had dinner at a restaurant, and you drive by that location, that location can trigger a flood of memories.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:05]:
So, they can happen anytime, anywhere for any reason, but those are some of the more common types and places that intrusive thoughts can pop up. And again, to be clear, intrusive thoughts are more than just, oh, wow. I'm driving by the park and I'm aware that it happened. It's truly when it hijacks your thoughts. And suddenly, you're not thinking about meeting your friend at Starbucks. You're not thinking about going to the gym or practicing yoga. You're not thinking about anything else. You're obsessing.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:43]:
Now the psychological impact the psychological impact of obsessive thoughts really rocks your well-being. It rocks your sense of self. It rocks your ability to feel peaceful, to feel calm, to feel in control. And why it matters is because it makes you feel crazy. It makes you feel crazy because you can't even control your thoughts. You're like, oh my gosh. I'm out to dinner. I want to try to have dinner with my partner.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:24]:
I want to try to have dinner with my friend and forget what's going on, and my mind won't be quiet. So it makes it so you're constantly on edge, so you're constantly in a state of fight, flight, freeze, and you just can never calm down and feel good. So that's why it's bad. It's bad because it steals your sense of peace and well-being. And again, I want to reassure you, there's nothing wrong with you. You are not weak. It's not that you've got a problem going on, it's that you've experienced trauma. Anybody in any traumatic situation is going to have some type of flashback or intrusive thoughts.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:16]:
It's just the nature of trauma. And sometimes just by giving yourself that compassion and that grace and having that understanding that you know what? This is not comfortable and this is not fun, but it's normal. Sometimes just knowing that is enough to help. Because you break out of the idea that something is wrong with me and I need fixing, to a phase of, well, this is just a phase that I'm going through. It's a journey through the neighborhood of obsessive thoughts. I do not have to live here. This is not my end goal. This is not my end destination.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:00]:
I am just journeying through. I will have them. I can learn some tips and techniques to manage them in the moment. I can do some things to manage them long term, but this is not my new reality. This is not new normal. It's just a temporary place. It's just temporarily normal. And sometimes that's enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:25]:
Sometimes that really, really helps. Okay. Before we move into the strategies to use in the moment, immediate strategies that you can use to manage obsessive thoughts in the moment. I wanna talk about the importance of managing the obsessive thoughts before you even have them. Heading them off. Heading them off. Because, yes, we're gonna talk about short term and long term strategies, but the truth of the matter is it's so much easier if you just don't have them. Right? Because then you don't have to manage them at all.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:07]:
The best way to start managing them short term is by identifying what is causing them, identifying the triggers, identifying, does it tend to happen when I'm in a certain physical location? Does it happen when I'm at home? Does it happen, like I said earlier, driving by a park or an office building? Does it have to do with the location? Because if you can tie it to a location, then temporarily, you can just stop going to that location. You can find a different way to get there. You can disrupt your daily routine for the short run, not forever for the sharp short run so you can better manage those triggers. If it's a location, I also want you to think about, is it a time of day? Do you tend to obsess at night while sleeping, while driving to work? Do you tend to be most obsessive early on? Is it worse if your partner is present? Is it worse if they're away? If you have reconciled with your partner or you're still living in the same home and gone on a business trip, does that trigger you? Identify when you have the most obsessive of your intrusive thoughts. Because if you know what causes them and you avoid that thing, you give your mind, your body a chance to heal. So then later in a month's time, maybe they're less. Maybe in 2 months, you can drive past the park. Maybe in a year, you'll be able to manage things because you've processed all of the information on a different level.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:10]:
Because the truth of the matter is obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts are there because they're reminding us this happened. You maybe maybe could have done a did something done something different and managed this differently. Maybe, just maybe, if you would have been more aware, you would have seen this coming and then it wouldn't have happened and things would have shifted. It's you trying to process and make sense of something that happened. And it's your brain scanning the environment, scanning the past, and looking for clues. Because the truth of the matter is it's so awful. It is so freaking awful to go through infidelity and then to realize, like, I have the wool pulled over my eyes. I was lied to.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:06]:
I didn't see this. Can I tell you that just about everybody that I work with, just about everybody? These are the words. I was blindsided. I was blindsided by my partner's infidelity. I had no clue it was coming. Me either. I was totally blindsided. I thought we had a good relationship.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:30]:
I thought we had quote unquote normal marital issues. I didn't think there was anything, anything ever that would cause him to cheat. I never saw this coming. And my guess is that you probably didn't either. And when that's the case, the intrusive thoughts are just your brain trying to keep you safe, trying to say, well, if I can figure it out from before, I can figure it out if it ever happens again. My brain couldn't keep me safe last time, but it's gonna keep me safe this time. My brain didn't see what was going on last time, but next time, if I analyze all of this, it's the totally Monday morning quarterbacking. If I could rewind the tapes and watch it and see where it went wrong, then I can figure it out next time, and I can see it coming.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:34]:
Like I said earlier, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, it's characteristic of trauma because that's what we do. We replay the situation in our minds over and over and over and over, trying to see where we quote, unquote went wrong. Mhmm. But here's the thing, just like with so many trauma situations, You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't cause the infidelity. You didn't do anything wrong. So rationally, the idea that you can rewind and keep replaying this over and over and over and over until you see something different, you're not gonna see something different because you didn't do anything wrong, because this is not your fault, Because it's not about you, it's about them. And sometimes until your brain can get a handle on that, and realize, oh, I can rewind this tape and watch it a 1000 times, and I'm never gonna see anything different, and I'm never gonna see anything wrong because I didn't do anything wrong, because there was nothing I could do.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:54]:
Sometimes until you get that, until your brain gets that, those thoughts just keep coming. So this is this this section that we're talking about right now is preventing the thoughts. And I said, okay, think about what triggers it and don't do that. But then I also want you to start really shifting your perspective around why you're having these intrusive thoughts. Your brain is trying to see what you did, quote, unquote, wrong so you can do it right next time. Shift that perspective. It's not about you. You didn't do anything wrong, so there's nothing to see.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:41]:
And sometimes when you just talk your brain down like that and remind it, you didn't do anything wrong. You can't figure this one out. This is not yours to figure out. That's when your brain finally calms down. Because it's true. There is nothing that you can figure out because you didn't do this wrong. Your partner is the one who made the choice to cheat. Whole different tangent here, but people often say, how do I know my partner won't do it again? And what I always say is, your partner has to figure out why they did it.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:21]:
They have to watch this tape time and time and time and time again, and they have to identify their moment. Not necessarily their why, but their moment or their moments where they slowly started down this slippery slope of cheating. They are the ones that have to rewind and watch this over and over and over and over and over again so they can identify, wow, my feelings were hurt here. Wow. I was seeking external validation there. Wow. I felt hurt there. Woah.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:56]:
I slipped into some sort of an of addiction there. Wow. I've got an anger issue there. They are the ones that need to rewind and watch and figure out what to do differently next time. Because who can prevent cheating? The cheater. The cheater is the one who can prevent cheating. The cheater prevents cheating. They prevent it by going back over the situations that led to their cheating, figuring out where their little tiny turning points were along the way, and most importantly, what they are going to do differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:37]:
If you cheated because you needed validation, what are you gonna do the next time you need validation? Come up with 3 tools and 3 skills that you can use to give yourself validation So that the next time you feel depleted and like you need validation, you can do something besides cheat. If you were doing this for attention because you had your feelings hurt, what are you going to do the next time your feelings are hurt? What are you going to do the next time you need attention? What are you going to do? Let's come up with 3 skills, and let's practice those 3 skills. So the next time you feel this way, you don't make the choice to cheat. So letting your brain know that sometimes can take your brain off the hook because then your brain is like, oh, this isn't mine to figure out. Okay. Let's shift then into some immediate short term strategies that you can use right now today to manage your intrusive thoughts. Because we can't always prevent them until you know when they're coming, you can't always prevent them. So what do you do when you're getting hijacked, when all of a sudden you have got intrusive thoughts going on? Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:03]:
What I want you to do first, step number 1, is label the thought. Label the thought. Name it. Wow. I'm having an intrusive thought right now. Wow. My thoughts are out of control right now. Sometimes just labeling it is enough to kind of break you out of being your thoughts, Because you are not your thoughts.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:33]:
Your thought is coming in and hijacking, but you're not your thought. So sometimes just labeling it. You don't even have to get fancy and figure out what is your thought about. It's about the affair. It's about the other woman. It's about what they did. It's about what they said. Great.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:50]:
That that's fine if you wanna label label it. But sometimes just saying, I'm having intrusive thoughts right now to yourself is enough because it makes you the 3rd party observer. Wow. These thoughts are going on. Label it. Number 1, label it. Number 2, grounding. Grounding.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:16]:
Grounding is one of those things that I think a lot of people talk about, but do we really even know what it means? Do we even know what it means? Really, what grounding is about, think about where the ground is. It's below you. It's putting your feet on the floor. It's getting out of your head and into your body. Because where do obsessive thoughts happen? Yes. They happen in your head. They don't happen in your elbow. They don't happen in the arch of your foot.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:49]:
They don't happen in your calf. They don't happen in your hips. They happen in your head. So grounding is literally moving that energy towards the ground. It's moving that thought energy towards the ground, grounding. And you might be thinking, that's ridiculously simple. Yes and no. It's a simple concept of getting out of the head and dropping things into the earth, dropping things into your body, dropping things down, but it can be hard to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:30]:
One of my favorite ways to do it is literally pressing my feet into the floor, rubbing them back and forth. Like, if you have bare feet or socks on, and you can rub them on the carpet and feel the sole of your foot on the floor. You can stomp your feet on the floor. You can stand up. You can jump. You can just stomp, you can use your hand and even push your foot into the floor, like make a footprint. One of my favorite things to think about when grounding is to imagine, visualize, pretend that you're standing on the beach, that you're standing right there at the water's edge, and the ocean waves are coming over your toes and then receding, coming over the front of your foot and receiving coming up over your whole foot and receiving. And as you feel those waves coming in and out back and forth.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:49]:
You feel your feet gently sinking into the sea. And sometimes you wiggle your toes and bury your feet down a little bit more. Sometimes you twist a little bit side to side and the sand slowly starts coming over your feet and you feel the sand over the top of the foot. And you feel the sand shifting under your feet and sometimes your heel sinks down a little bit further. Sometimes the ball of the foot sinks down a little bit further as those waves go in and out, just like your breath comes in and out In and out and your thoughts and your energy drop down, down into that cool fresh ocean water. And that's it. That little visualization, that little reminder of moving into your feet and into the earth is grounding. And quite often, that's enough quite often.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:27]:
That's enough to get you out of your head and into your feet. And no matter where you're at, a little mini meditation like that is accessible to you. Whether it's the ocean or mud or a stream or a river, or just imagining walking outside on the earth, that little visualization is something you can do pretty much everywhere. And if you're in some kind of a public setting, go to the restroom. There's restrooms everywhere. Hang out in the restroom for what was that? 2 or 3 minutes? And just do that little visualization. Or if you need to go sit in your car, go sit in your car. Visualizations help so much, and in particular, visualizing grounding.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:23]:
Now, if you Google grounding, there's a lot of things too, like going outside, walking barefoot on the earth. All of that is great, but sometimes you can't do that. And visualizing a grounding session is enough too. Another one that I really, really like is thinking about an energetic cord from the top of your head and moving it down the back of the neck. Back of the spine, down the tailbone, through the floor of the building that you're in through the foundation, through the earth, burrowing all the way down through the rocks, through the different layers and anchoring that energy, the iron core of the earth and then running those intrusive obsessive thoughts down down that grounding rod on the inside of your spine, all the way into the center of fear. Again, fast, simple play with your own kind of visualizations. Use these, play with your own, whatever it is, practice and see what works for you. Another thing that really helps is breathing exercises.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:09]:
And again, breathing is a huge form of grounding because breathing doesn't happen in your brain. Breathing happens in the gut, the low belly. Yes. The lungs, but the body moves. The diaphragm moves up and down. I love box breathing. Box breathing is a technique where you inhale for account 3, 4, 5, whatever it is, hold for that same number. And then exhale for 3, 4, or 5, whatever it is, and then hold with empty lungs for that same amount of time.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:48]:
The reason I was saying for however long depends on how long you wanna count. Some people wanna be like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Hold, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Exhale. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and hold. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. And other people like it at a slower pace, like inhale for 1, 2, 3 Hold 1, 2, 3. Exhale.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:36]:
1, 2, 3. So whatever it is, whatever pace you count at, just make sure that they're roughly even. Another way that I like to breathe is inhaling and then trying to make the exhale twice as long. Research shows that a longer exhalation tends to calm the brain a little bit more. So, again, however you wanna count is up to you. You can count slow. You can count fast. It doesn't matter.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:11]:
But if you're inhaling for a count of 2, then exhale for a count of 4. So it might be getting ready for the in inhale. Inhalation 1, to exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4. Inhale. 1 2 exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4. Let's breathe and shake some of those off.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:40]:
Breathing be careful with breathing. You know, if you feel light headed or something like that, please stop. Please open up the throat. Please stop. Please be aware of how you're feeling. If you need to sit down or lie down, do that, but play. Here's something with breathing exercises. There's really no right or wrong.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:02]:
There's really no damage you can do besides holding your breath way too long and hyperventilating and passing out and being stupid, but just doing something by breathing, controlling your breath, turning your attention towards your breath is sometimes enough. Putting your hands on your lower belly and breathing into your gut, That can be enough. Sometimes we complicate things. We make it so hard. We're like, I don't know breathing techniques. I don't know. You know how to breathe. Put your hand on your belly, breathe into your belly.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:39]:
Count, pay attention, do what works for you, but breathe. One of the reasons that I love singing is, well, a, it's fun, But b, you have to control your breath when you're singing. You have to take that big inhalation. And then do do do do do do, whatever it is. You're singing your song and you're focusing on your breath because you need to sustain notes or go short or fast. You're managing your breath when you're singing. So sing. Sing a song.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:18]:
Sing out loud. Sing out strong. But those are all techniques to ground, and these are things to do in the moment. Label the thought. Ground by pushing your feet into the floor. Visualize grounding. Breathe to get out of your head. Another thing is if you really can't get out of your head and it's more work to fight the thoughts than it is just to have the thoughts, the thing that I recommend doing is creating a new thought.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:53]:
Use an affirmation. Use a positive affirmation to counter your negative thought. It can be something that's totally unrelated, like, I'm strong. I'm empowered. I've got this. I'm strong. I'm empowered. I've got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:11]:
It can be something like, I choose love. I choose love. I choose love. Just make it something positive about what you are doing. I am, I choose. Affirm something positive. An affirmation is a positive statement of something that you want to feel or experience or be or have. Another way to do an affirmation is to choose the opposite of what's going on.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:49]:
So if you're feeling like I'm crazy and out of control, what's the opposite of that for you? I'm aware, I'm sane, and I am managing this. I'm aware, I'm sane, And I am managing this. It's not that you're lying to yourself. I don't want you to lie to yourself. Because there's nothing worse than feeling feeling like I'm out of control, and then trying to affirm something that feels like a total lie. I'm so happy. I've never been happier in my life. Your brain and your mind and your whole body is gonna be like, not so.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:27]:
But if you can affirm the opposite, I feel crazy, but I'm actually sane. I feel crazy but I'm actually sane. Affirm what it is that you want. And that's why, like I said, I am managing this. Not I managed it and it's fine, but I am managing this. A similar thing that you can do is literally stop your thoughts. And this one works crazy well for me. I there's some visualization, but I will visualize a stop sign, and I will say out loud, stop.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:10]:
Stop this. No more. And me speaking it out loud, me commanding my brain makes my brain listen. Stop. No more. Not thinking about this. Sometimes that very strong command can help. And then on the flip side, sometimes just telling my brain, thank you.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:37]:
Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but I've got this. Thank you for keeping me safe, but I've got this. I don't need you on this one. Thank you. I've got this. And then again, if things sometimes keep coming up, I will ask my brain, what are you trying to get me to see? Like, what is your purpose on this one? Why won't you cooperate on this one? Because I'm in charge here. I'm the adult. What are you trying to get me to see? What are you showing me? And it's interesting because usually my brain will be like, I'm showing you that I'm afraid.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:16]:
I'm trying to keep you safe. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. But sometimes my brain is like, I'm really trying to get you to see this. I'm really trying to get you to see that something is going on over here. I'm really trying to get you to see that you're spiritually bypassing, that you're moving into false positivity, that you haven't healed this wound, that you need to address this. And then sometimes if you're willing, and I know it's hard, but if you're willing to see that thing that your brain is trying to get you to see, then at least it can stop. Because then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I got a mother wound.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:59]:
Or, oh, I've got a father wound. Or, oh, yeah. I think my partner is a narcissist and I've been trying to polyamorous. Or whatever it is. Sometimes it's not even if they're related. Sometimes your brain is just trying to get you to see something else. This is a pattern. Do you see this pattern of people pleasing? This is people pleasing.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:21]:
This is people pleasing. This is people pleasing. And then you're like, okay, brain. What do you want me to see? And your brain is like, but this is people pleasing to you. And you go, oh, shoot. Yeah. Dang. It is.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:36]:
Don't wanna deal with that, but you're right. So talk to your mind. Talk to your brain. Now let's shift into some of the long term strategies for dealing with this. Because short term, in the moment, it's important to be able to stop, to be able to prevent. But long term, nobody wants intrusive thoughts for the rest of their life. And like I said earlier, when you can remind yourself that this is not new normal. This is new temporary normal, but I don't need to live here.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:17]:
I don't need to be here forever. Reminding your brain that is good, but you also need to follow it up. So now what? Because I don't wanna be here forever. What do I have to do then to manage this? What are the strategies for managing intrusive thoughts long term? Okay. Several of those. First of all, and this is such a tough one, and I actually hate using the words. I'm gonna use the words anyway because you'll understand what I mean when I talk about these words. The first one is building more emotional resilience.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:01]:
And I hate that. I just hate that. Because when we're so beat up and when we've been put through something that, like, no human should have to go through, to me, it feels so condescending to be like, oh, you can build emotional resilience. When inside I'm thinking, forget that. I don't want emotional resilience. Enough. I'm done. Let me be weak.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:25]:
I choose weakness. I don't want this. What I mean by true emotional resilience though, is resilience within yourself for yourself. I don't want you to be resilient so you can deal with more crap from the world. I don't want you to be more resilient so more people can dump their junk on you. I don't want you to be more resilient so you can suck it up and manage everybody else's stuff. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about this internalized sense of resilience that you have compassion for yourself, That you're giving yourself grace.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:10]:
That you can drop the ball on quite a few different things, that you're not gonna beat yourself up for it. You know what? Your workout routine might suffer. Your diet might suffer. Your sleep might suffer. Your relationships with friends and family might suffer. Your job might suffer. You might lay on the floor for a week, on and off for a month. It doesn't matter.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:37]:
You're going through something huge. This is hugely traumatic. How can you have an internalized sense of resilience to give yourself the grace and space to fall apart and to not judge yourself? Whether you are indulging in unhealthy habits, whether you can't eat, you're eating too much, you can't sleep, you can't wake up. It's so important to be resilient within yourself. Again, like I said earlier about these intrusive thoughts, to know that they're not permanent, to know that this is a stage that you're passing through. And that's what I mean by like internalized resilience, to know that this is a phase that you're passing through. You're not gonna fall apart for the rest of your life. You are not broken.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:32]:
You are not broken. I have a whole show on that. If you have not listened to that show, please go listen to that show because I promise you, you are not broken. This is temporary. You feel broken. You have been broken open for good. You were not broken down and ruined. You were broken open for good, and that is what I mean by the whole self compassion and resilience and grace.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:58]:
How do you do that? Journaling, support groups, guided meditation, somatic processing. My 90 day of prayer recovery program is 100% focused on this. Depending on when you hear this show, you might still be able to get it for my last discounted round of $208. You get numerous tools and you get 90 days of support. And you get access to everything for the rest of your life for $208. So even if you're not getting this while my sale is still going on, it's still a low price. It's just not that it's that low. But that program, a fair recovery of 90 days, a fair recovery for women develop compassion, clarity, confidence, calm along the way.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:57]:
Go to lauracheadle.com, loracheadle.com. Click on Affair Recovery. It is the 1st 90 day program. It will give you that internalized sense of resilience. It gives you 30 journal props so you can start figuring it out. And then you can be like, oh my gosh. I am doing so much. This is crazy.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:20]:
It gives you 30 guided meditations. 2 minutes. Everybody has 2 minutes. They're like the visualization that I did earlier. It gives you 30 emotion specific, somatic processing videos. Those are movement videos, breath videos that help ground you, that get you out of your head and into your body, just like the breath, just like moving, so you can start reclaiming your brain again. And because fitness is important, and because, again, using your body is important, I also have 30 small mini 5 minute fitness videos. Because doing things like developing physical strength gives us mental strength.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:08]:
Doing things like 5 minutes of some cardio that gets our heart pumping helps heal heartbreak, because doing things like stretching physically makes us more resilient mentally. So again, loracheadle.com, loracheadle, $208 for 90 days, and you get everything forever. It's truly a no brainer. Another long term strategy. That's a long term strategy to change the way your brain is processing. Another long term strategy is by developing boundaries. As I was talking about earlier, your brain is trying to go through, like, rewatch the tapes and figure out what it did wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, but prevent it next time.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:02]:
Establish some new boundaries. Figure out what you will and won't tolerate, not only from others, but for yourself. I say all the time that betrayal uncovers the truth, not only about the person who betrayed you, but about all the ways you betrayed yourself. About all the ways you betrayed yourself, about all of those boundaries that you didn't hold, about all of the ways that you tolerated more than you should, and sought to please other people and made other people more comfortable at your expense. So when you start establishing healthy triggers, when you commit to never betraying yourself again, suddenly all of those intrusive thoughts go away because your brain doesn't need to keep you safe anymore because you are keeping yourself safe. Your brain doesn't need to obsess because you've got your own back. You've got your own back. Now that, not to like go through all of my own programs, but that's my rise and reign program.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:08]:
That is my 6 month program. That is about the ultimate, the gold standard about truly having your own back, figuring it out, establishing your boundaries, figuring out what you will and won't tolerate. Like, that's it. That is the gold standard. Rise and reign if you're interested. Same thing, lauriceidl.com. But I don't wanna talk about me. I wanna talk about you.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:33]:
And I wanna talk more about these strategies for managing intrusive thoughts long term. Another thing that you can really do is you can focus on a routine. And I know this sounds kind of silly sometimes, but when you have a routine, it allows your brain to relax. Now this can be a double edged sword. But have and I'll talk about why it's a double edged sword in a minute. But having a routine, I get up, I walk, I journal, I do a quick meditation, I stretch, I take a shower, whatever it is. When your brain knows what to expect next, it's going to jump to the next thing that it expects. Doing things in the same order most of the time, having a routine is healthy.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:23]:
I want you to think about your bedtime routine. Taking out your contacts, brushing your teeth, washing your face, taking a shower. Like, we do things in the same order. I always take out my right contact first. I always put in my right contact first. We always brush our teeth in the same order. Our brain knows what to expect, and then it helps run on autopilot. So when you have a routine throughout your day, but most importantly, at the times when those intrusive thoughts are problematic, then your brain can just move into default mode, and it won't be kind of like left hanging.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:06]:
So if you're having obtrusive thoughts at night, establish a really powerful evening routine. Instead of letting your brain hang out and kind of thinking, what should we worry about? Use your journaling then. Do your meditation then. Do some stretching then. Go take a walk. Look at the stars. Do whatever. Read a chapter of this, journal on that, set whatever it is.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:30]:
So your brain is like, oh, next is this. Whoop. Next is the walk. Whoop. Next is rubbing lotion on my elbows, next is rubbing lotion on my cuticles, When your brain has a routine, it's so occupied taking care of the routine that it has a tendency not to obsess. It has a tendency not to obsess because it knows what is happening. Now this is similar to what we talked about earlier with the affirmations. And the affirmations, I put in the short term category because it's something that you can do in the moment.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:18]:
When you recognize that thought, then you can immediately affirm something that's positive. The next tool that I'm talking about in the long term strategies, however, is a gratitude practice. And that's similar and different. But a gratitude practice, and I'm putting it here by the routine because it's a routine. It's a practice. It's a practice of having gratitude and of feeling gratitude. It's not just making a list and looking around. I'm grateful for the trees, and I'm grateful for the sun, and I'm grateful for my iced tea, and I'm grateful for my coffee, and I'm grateful for my friends, and for my cell phone, and for.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:01]:
You know what I mean? It's not just going through, it's having a practice of noticing things. It's having a practice of like I said earlier, and if if obsessive thoughts are happening at night, have a strong nighttime routine so your brain knows what to accept. So if you have a gratitude practice as part of that, then you go back through the day and you start from when you woke up. And you think about those moments of things that you were grateful for. I was so grateful for that smell of coffee. And you smell that coffee in your mind. And you think about holding that warm cup and tasting the coffee and you're actively grateful for it. And then you think about your drive to work, and maybe it was a horrific commute.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:51]:
And your mind might go down the negative path if it was a horrible commute. But then you think about that one person that let you in, or you think about the beautiful sunrise that you saw on your way to work. And you shift and you feel that, and you think, gosh, that was such a pretty sunrise. And then you, again, think about your day, and you think about the smile of somebody as you walked in. And and you think about the grocery store and the beautiful flowers that you walked by in the flower, you know, section. And you think about the fresh you go through your day. So you mentally review your day. So it takes a while.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:26]:
And, again, it occupies your brain. And it's such a great practice because you're reviewing your day, but then you're also reviewing all of those little moments. So with time, you become more likely to notice all of those little moments that make you happy, that fill you up. Now shifting around the long term strategies, I wanna talk about a couple of different things that are just good practices to adopt. And they're not necessarily specific to managing obsessive thoughts, obtrusive thoughts, but they help. And those things are, 1st, having healthy lifestyle choices. The second thing is having proper emotional and social support. And the third is getting professional support when you need it.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:34]:
So healthy lifestyle choices. I mean, that includes everything that you think about, physical exercise, diet, having a healthy diet, getting adequate sleep, avoiding substance abuse, basic healthy lifestyle physical choices, stretch, move, yoga, walking, swimming, like stretching, anything physical is gonna help. Not only does it get you out of your mind, but it makes your body feel better. Healthy diet. I mean, again, chemicals in your body make, they they make you feel weird. I I was struggling with how to say it, but too much caffeine can jack you up. It just can't. Too much sugar can sugar rush you out.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:26]:
And when you're jacked up in caffeine or sugar, your mind is gonna be blood and jittery. Eat healthy fresh foods. Eat healthy fresh foods. Don't eat things that heighten anxiety. Move. Get enough sleep. And again, the substance abuse. Please, I mean, if you want if you need a glass of wine and you're thinking, I need a glass of wine, check yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:56]:
Why do I need it? If you need to smoke, if you need to why do you need that? Ask yourself, why do I need this? What is it doing for me that I can't do for myself? I can't calm down. I can't focus. Okay. Try a technique. Go back to the beginning of the show where I talked about all of those in the moment techniques. Try one of them. I'm not saying that you can't eventually have a glass of wine. Just try another technique first.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:28]:
Try a breathing exercise. Try a grounding exercise. Try an affirmation. Just try something. And then if you want a glass of wine, have a glass of wine. It's not like we have to totally remove every bad habit you've ever had in your entire life right now too, but just be mindful. Just be mindful. And the second broad category was that whole emotional and social support from friends, from family, from clergy.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:59]:
Talk to people. Even if you're not talking about the affair, talk about other things. Do some volunteer work with animals, with kids, with needy people. Just engage. Oh my gosh. COVID was so hard on so many people. The pandemic. We don't know how to engage anymore.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:17]:
That's again a whole other show. Get out there and just be a little social. Be social. Get some emotional support. And then that third broad category on the professional support, if you're wearing out your friends and family, don't wear your friends and family out. Get help. Your friends and family love you and they care about you, but they also get frustrated, and they also have their own stuff to deal with. And if they know the situation, they're probably also having strong opinions about your partner.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:50]:
Get a neutral third party perspective on what's going on. Talk to your friends about fun friend things. Talk to the professionals about what you need in order to recover from infidelity, to help you decide, to help you get cleared, to help you get confident, to help you process externally. Because external processing is vitally important. We made it. We had so much fun I wanted to talk about, and I really think we made it all. And I'm super excited. I'm gonna wrap up quickly.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:31]:
Again, intrusive thoughts, prevent them. Talk to yourself about why you're having them. Use the different techniques to manage them in the short term, but don't forget these long term strategies to heal so you don't have them. Because you don't have to spend the rest of your life managing intrusive thoughts. Join my 90 day program while you still can for $208. Even if you miss it, I still think it's like 300 and something. It's not a big deal. It will help so much.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:04]:
I pretty much you know what? I will guarantee. I guarantee if you do this 90 day program, you're gonna learn how to manage your intrusive thoughts. Like, I literally, right here, right now, I guarantee that fully guarantee that. So hop on my website, lauriceidl.com. Click on the Affair Recovery drop down. It's the first of the 3 programs. I do guarantee that it will manage your obsessive thoughts. And in the meantime, have an amazing week.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:34]:
And as usual, always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough.

Narrator [00:57:47]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.