How to Understand & Navigate the Fragile Male Ego

Narrator [00:00:01]:

You're listening to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life your body, or someone that you love, you're not alone. No matter what you've been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence joy and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish, tune in weekly, and learn how. Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal.

I'm Lora Cheadle, and I am an attorney and betrayal recovery expert. And I work with women who want to turn the devastation of infidelity and betrayal into an invitation to look within and uncover the truth about all of those things that they know. that they've always known, but that they just don't want to admit. Because when they do that, Then an only then, are they truly able to reclaim their identity and their self worth? and live, feeling, and being exactly how they want to feel and who they want to be. I would love it if you would go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com and download your copy of my sparkle after betrayal recovery guide. It's a great first step. It'll give you 3 tools about things to think about. So you can begin this journey of reclaiming your identity and self worth and moving forward with joy. with peace, knowing with every fiber of your being that you have done the exact right. thing.

And I also wanted to share with you that I am starting something a little bit different. Normally, when I coach with people, I coach in 6 month increments because 6 months really gives us enough time to manage things, you know, along the way because arguments happen. Fights happen. Holidays happen. Good times happen. Sadly, trickled truth happens, and we learn more than we hoped. We would never learn. So that's why I usually coach in 6 month increments because it really allows me to hold your hand. and to be present, to be that constant voice in your ear at your side to get you through some of your most difficult times. And even though I still fully, fully, fully believe that working with me in a 6 month increment truly is the best way to do it, I have also had a lot of people say sometimes, Lora, there is just one issue that I can't resolve.

Sometimes there is just one thing that's going on, and I just need an emergency session. I don't need the weekly emails. I don't need the 247 Voxer access. I just need you and me. and I need us to sit down, and I need access right now. So I have listened, and that is now going to be available to YouTube if you just have like that. That emergency thing that's come up, you need someone to talk to now and you're like, I don't want to commit to the whole 6 months. I just need one thing here or one thing there or one thing one thing one thing. Now you can work with me that way too. So if that's something that you need, if that's something that you are thinking about, Just shoot me an email, Lora@lorechittle.com. And you probably already know this, but it's lora atloracheado.com.

And, of course, If you pick up the betrayal recovery guide, the spelling of my name is there too. So shoot me an email. I am now doing one off one on one sessions for whenever you hit a snag, and you need someone right now to hash it out with. -- to be that voice in your ear saying, okay. Let's talk reason. Let's figure this out. So there you go. You asked and I answered, And you know what really excites me, I think, more than anything about doing the one off? What really excites me is actually talking and talking to you, getting to know you a little bit more personally when on what. My favorite part really about doing this work and why I love it so much is the relationships. It's getting to know the women that I work with on that truly intimate level. I love hearing what you really have to say. I love helping you go deeper. I love providing that clarity. And it's just that sisterhood. You know? Because, sadly, we are in this sisterhood together. It's a sisterhood that none of us really probably ever wanted or anticipated, but it's here We've got it. And, you know, we stick together. And we stick together because we understand each other.

And as you've probably already noticed, people don't really understand unless they've been through it too. While meaning people will say things, but it just doesn't ever quite resonate. You're always like, that's not quite it. You're saying that, but it's not quite it. So that's why it's really important to stick together with other people who have been through this. And just the idea of being able to see more of you and talk to more of you really is getting me excited. So reach out for your one on one session with me, Lora at lorecheetle.com, and I can send you the scheduling link and the payment link. I haven't even set any of that up yet. I've just been so excited about it. I'm like, yes. I'm gonna do it. Anyway, today's topic.

Are you curious about today's topic? Oh, I thought you were. Today's topic, we are going to talk about the ego and self worth. We are going to talk specifically about the fragile male ego. And, yes, women have fragile egos too, and I don't really wanna make a generalization here, but here I go. A lot of men have really fragile egos. A lot of men really struggle. And I say that from a place of compassion and love, not from a place of Oh my god. Men are so weak and just men are so pathetic. And men men men men men men. That's not the position that I wanna take. I wanna take it because I'm a mom of boys. I am a mom of young adult men, and I also see how their egos get trampled on. And why this matters? You're thinking, wait a minute. I'm trying to leave him. He cheated on me. Why do I really want to have compassion for his ego.

And even if you're staying together, you're probably thinking, but what about my ego? What about me? Don't I matter? Yes. You absolutely matter, and you matter so much that You matter so much that it's important for you to really understand what is going on around an ego. both your own, both your partners, and also the affair partner. Her ego comes into this too. So this is kind of a a broad a broad array of topics, but it's all around the fragile nail ego. Okay. So let's kinda go back to the beginning and start this. Why do men have fragile? because we talk about the fragile male ego. We really don't talk about the fragile female ego. Why is the frail fragile male ego a thing? If you look at the way boys are raised in our country. across the world, really.

Men are told that they have to suck it up. Men have to be tough and manly. There's, like, that clindywood persona, and men have to do that. You know, the rock, the terminator. Like, all the football players, rugby players, all these aft gladiators. The male standard of masculinity and manliness is tough and powerful and strong. And not being afraid and not bending and just knowing how to do things. And the truth of the matter is All humans have emotions. Yes. There's been some studies around the differences in baby girls and baby boys. For instance, baby girls tend to maintain eye contact longer. Boys are a little bit more uncomfortable with that intimacy of connection, whereas little girls seem to crave that a little bit more.

But at the same time, male babies are more reactive to pain. They cry harder and longer. with the same amount of physical pain than a female baby does. And it's interesting because if men are feeling pain arguably more than women, shouldn't they be the one that is expressing pain more? And in reality, it's flipped. Men are taught to hide their pain. So they might be feeling it worse But they're taught to cover. They are taught to mask up. And I'm not sure if you listen to the series of 3 podcasts. that I did with my husband over what was going on within him. But he did talk specifically about the mask that he felt that he had to wear. Men are taught to wear masks.

Yes. Women are too, but ours are a little bit different. Men are taught too because it's the manly thing to do. So from early on, If they are if they are the, quote, crybaby and they cry more because they hurt more, their mask is the thicker mask because they have to put on that false front that they feel no pain. So why is this a problem? What does this have to do with the male ego? Well, what that means is we are asking men to be a 180 degrees opposite of who they are. If they are the child that cries more and we're asking them to cry less, that's a 180 degree difference. That is completely opposite. So they grow up feeling like I am not good, and I am not normal, and I am not enough. Like, unless if I put on this now mask. Okay.

With that as the background, what is an ego? We talk about the ego. We talk transcending the ego and overcoming the ego. That's not the kind of ego that I'm talking about. We all an ego is our sense of self. We all have to have not have to. We all have a sense of who we are. Sometimes we have a strong sense of who we are, sometimes we have a weak sense of who we are. In my coaching, you'll think about what I just said earlier. I will help you reclaim your identity and self worth. Your identity is knowing who you are. Your identity is that sense of I am this kind of a person. Not what do you do? I am a teacher. I am an accountant. I am a mom. I am a wise. But who are you? My word for that, if you've been with me for a while, is naked self worth.

Naked self worth is the ability to value yourself for who you are, not for who you think you should be. not for what you accomplish, not for what you do, not for your weight, or what kind of a car you drive, or anything like that. It is valuing yourself for you, for your faults, for everything. When you have a strong sense of who you are, it means you know your core values. Core values are things like I value honesty. I value connection. I value laughter. I value education. I value whatever it is. And core values, I think sometimes get misunderstood because core values can be I mean, they can be anything. And so often, we put a positive or a negative spin on what those core values are. Like, altruism. My core value is, you know, being altruistic. That's great. Materialism can also be a core value. And there's a judgment around that that we shouldn't be materialistic. But the fact of the matter is your core values can be whatever your core values are.

What matters is that you know that that's your core value. and that you are with people who also share those same or many of those same core values. No. You don't need to have, you know, the exact same core values as your partner or your friends, but if your core values are integrity, and family, and connection. And the person you are trying to create a life with has the core values of materialism, you know, success, and I can't even think of a third one that's polar opposite that. But, like, doing what you say do I don't wanna say, like, lying and cheating, but being ruthless. that's a core value. So if you have core values like that that are in diam diametrically opposed by your partner, it's not going to be a very fun relationship. And when you hang out with people who have different core values, a couple of things happen. You either start eroding their core values, or they start eroding your core values.

So you can get along and find that common ground, and then nobody is happy, or you separate. And you start floating away from each other because the relationship is not comfortable. Now here's where ego comes into play. I know I'm giving you a ton of information around that. Your ego is your sense of self, who you are, your core values, you know who you are, and you know that no matter what anybody else does or says, you don't change. Somebody else can do all of these things, and it doesn't change who you are because you know who you are so strongly. People can say bad things about you. People can say good things about you, and it doesn't change who you are. I talk about this concept a lot in my TEDx. My TEDx is called uncovering bias. in gender and women's sexuality. And I talk a lot about bias and stigma. in gender and sexuality.

She's surprised surprised based on the title how could you ever guess. Anyway, I talk a lot about, you know, stereotypes in the way that we're judged. And the thing is if somebody judges me, It says nothing about me. Somebody can look at me and say, your skirt is too short, your heels are too high. I judge you as being sleazy, but it doesn't make me sleazy. It makes me who I am, -- in a short skirt and high heels. If somebody looks at me and I'm in gross sweats and a torn up t shirt, and my hair in a ponytail, and my old, old, old glasses on a no makeup. And they look at me and they judge me as frumpy. It's not because I am frumpy. It's because they have judged me like that. And whether I'm standing there really glammed up or really, really dressed down. I am no different.

My values are the same. My beliefs are the same. My qualities as a human. are the same. And that is your ego. And I said I would talk a little bit about, you know, the fragile female e ego as well. That is hard for us too. We are judged on our body. We are judged on our weight. We are judged if we're too sexy, if we're not sexy enough, if we're too fat, if we're too thin. We're judged if we stay home with our kids. We're judged if we go back to work after we've had kids. We are judged in a million different ways, and that messes with us too. You know, when you think about things like eating disorders and things like that, yeah, it makes it really hard because we're judged too. We're just judged in different ways than men are judged, and how it can be easier for us is that it is more acceptable for a woman to cry and to show her emotions than it is for a man.

And, again, we're judged for that too. You know? You can't cry at work. Blah blah blah blah blah. So then there's layers of judgment, and the point of this is not to compare and to be like, oh, it's harder for them. It's harder for us. It's worse just to recognize that it is different. But here's the thing about ego, and self worth. Oftentimes, when men do not have a clear sense of self. because they're told to suck it up, because they're told to be manly, they're told to be quiet. They are not communicated with as much as little girls are. Mentern boys are not baby boys are not talked to as often as baby girls are talked to.

Boys don't tend to read self help books. There's not a lot of podcasts for the sensitive, highly sensitive male. that's more something that women are into. Women have that sisterhood. I started talking about sisterhood at the very beginning of this episode, and We have a lot of places where we have that sisterhood because in our society, we have been 2nd class citizens for a long period of time. you know, didn't have the right to vote, didn't have the right to get a credit card, didn't have the right to, you know, file for divorce for a while, birth control access in we have been a 2nd class citizen. So the healthy women bond together.

The healthy women Find that sense of sisterhood, and they foster it because we know we're stronger together. Men, Even though, yes, we have the good old boys club, think about the good old boys club. It's about being superior. It's about being arrogant. It's about being propped up really falsely. It's about saying, I have privilege because I'm a white man or because I'm a man. It's about saying, I have privilege and then walking around with all that pump and arrogance around it. It's about saying I have privilege because my father had it. My grandfather had it because I have money because I have conquered women because I have done all these manly things. It's not sisterhood. Many churches, you know, have brotherhood There are many male groups that are starting to form where men can really connect and find that sense of authentic brotherhood. But the patriarchal sense of the good old boy society, that is not a healthy Brotherhood. That is not truly supporting each other. That is not encouraging men to cry together, to laugh together. to fall apart together. It is sitting around with that sense of entitled superiority and it's inflating their sense of pride. And here's the thing. When that sense of pride keeps growing, that false sense of pride.

The bigger the ego, the more fragile the men become. The more in pain they are, the less they understand themselves, the less they think they are truly men, and their whole identity crumbles. Because if I'm not this manly man, if I'm not this privileged pompous whatever, who am I? If I can't even be a man, who can I possibly be? And it's really threatening. And here's a subtle difference. If women are judged, we're a flimsy, we're frumpy, whatever, It doesn't take away our femininity, our sense of being a woman. We are a frumpy woman. or a sleazy woman, or a fat woman, or a skinny woman. But we're still a woman.

Whereas with men, their masculinity is at stake. There's the gross word that starts with a p that men get called. They get called women's body part names. That is the biggest insult is to tell a man, he is a woman. to tell a man he is not a man, man up, be a man. What are you? A little girl. You're gonna cry like a little girl. You're gonna throw like a little girl. They lose their identity. And identity is important because again, identity is who we are. I'm worthy. I'm Lora. I'm a kind person. I'm a loving person. I value connection. Men have not -- been brought up to understand all of those facets of who they are. Most of their identity is just around being a man. So when they lose their manhood, it's really terrifying. So they grow, falsely grow, this enormous ego to compensate. Because they feel so stripped down, they feel like they've been crying like a little girl, so they're a little girl. They have no identity. Suddenly, they're not even a man. and it's this huge false ego.

So then when somebody comes in, with a normal comment like, oh, I didn't want pizza for dinner. I was hoping we'd go out, you know, for Mexican or whatever. Bam. That entire false ego pops because it's just false. It's unstable. and they completely lose it. And the reason they lose it so much is because it's personal. They lose it because it's personal, and to them, it's basically like saying you're not even a man. You're not even a real man. You're not even a human. You're not even worthy, and they fall apart.

That whole eagle pops because they have nothing, and they are literally left with nothing. So when you're left with nothing, that's when you're in a survival state because literally on the inside of your body, it feels like you're gonna die. It feels like there is nothing left. It feels like you were so unworthy. And whenever you feel like you are unworthy, guess what you do? You have 2 choices, and I've talked about this before. The first choice is to cut down everybody else around you. So you look better? But the second choice is to build yourself up. And you know what? Sadly, it feels easier sometimes when people are in pain to start cutting down everybody else around them to build themselves up. And that's where a lot of this unhealthy behavior comes from. That's where a lot of this cheating comes from in the first place because cheating is a way to build themselves up, because they're not stable, because their ego isn't stable, because they don't know healthily who they are. All of a sudden, things have happened in their life.

They feel like they should be bigger and stronger, and they should be making more money, and they should be a better provider, and they should be sexier and healthier, and all of this stuff. and that they should know all the answers, and then they don't. So cheating can become a way to prop up a fragile ego. Cheating can be a way to prop up a fragile ego which is really a lowered sense of self worth. People with fragile egos tend to seek validation from others because they want to feel important. They want to feel valued. And when when they're not constantly being praised, their confidence totally plummets. and it feels like a panic. And cheating is a really fast fix for a lot of men. Now, compare and contrast that to somebody with a healthy ego.

Who knows, who they are, what they value. what they're worth. They'll say things like I'm having a really hard time. I'm I'm losing things in my business. things are falling apart with my kids. I've gained weight. I'm really struggling to hold it all together right now. I'm struggling with impostor syndrome. I can't figure out going on, but they still know they're worthy. It's I am a worthy human being having a tough time. It's not I am a failure. It's I am a woman, and I am good and kind and strong and supportive, and I'm just really struggling. Versus, I'm a worthless piece of poo who has no right to take up space on this planet. Because when you feel like a worthless piece of poo who has no right to take up space on this planet, that's pretty catastrophic. And, again, you know, when I talk about those 22 choices, build yourself up or cut others down. When you're really that far down, The choice sometimes becomes, like, not be here on the planet, you know, not be here, whether that's checking out from alcohol or drugs or suicide or addiction or something like that.

Not being here because I'm not worthy or doing something to prove that you're worthy. And wow. Cheating is a really fast way to prove that you're worthy because suddenly you're getting all this validation from somebody else. Suddenly you're out there and you're in this new game, and it gives you a rush of energy to live. to create, to build that ego back up. But again, comparing and contrasting A person with a healthy ego who gets knocked down a few pegs, they build their ego back up. So if a healthy ego is 10, And they lose a job, and it goes down to 8. And they lose a romantic relationship, and it goes down to 7. and they gain a bunch of weight and their family and friends, you know, leave and it goes down to a 4. Okay. They've got to build it from a 4 to a ton. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 6 6 little markers. Okay. That's hard. That takes time. -- that takes conscious, effort, and energy. But when you know, I am worthy. I've just been knocked down, and I'm gonna take control of my diet. They It's just come up. Okay. And now that I'm taking control of my diet, I'm gonna see a career coach, and I'm gonna apply for some jobs.

And in the meantime, I'm gonna go get a part time job at the bookstore just to get me out and talking to people. Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, suddenly, my ego is back up like an 8, and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm still locked down, but I'm up to an 8 and now I just need a couple of more points to get me back to where I was versus somebody with an unhealthy ego. So I said assuming a healthy ego is 10, somebody with an unhealthy ego is going to be walking around at maybe a 3. maybe a 5 because of whatever it is, and it doesn't even matter what caused it. It doesn't matter if it's childhood abuse, it's trauma, if it's It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. They're walking around with an ego of 3.

In order to compensate, they don't want to build their ego to attend and normal healthy ego because that doesn't feel good enough. It's not enough. It's never enough. I can't just be normal. I have to be extraordinary. because normal still feels less than. So instead of building their ego to a 10, they're gonna build it to a 20. and they're gonna be the best and the strongest and the richest and the fastest and the masculineist and all of those things, so they build it up to a 20. And then something happens. Same thing happens to a person with a healthy ego. They lose a job. They lose a relationship. They gain some weight. instead of going down those normal six points and then working to build a backup, this false ego crumbles, and suddenly they lose, like, 16 points because they lose the regular 6 points that the healthy person would lose, but they also lose the entire false ego. So the fall is a bigger fall. The pain feels like a bigger pain, and the climb is a bigger climb because they're not just coming back up, you know, those 6 points.

Now they've got, like, a 16 point climb and it feels awful. So what are you gonna do? Because that climb is too hard to make. I know I'm gonna cut everybody else down around me. because if I can bring them down, I don't have to bring myself up 16 points. If I can bring them all down, I might even need to raise myself three points, and that's it. So that's where cheating comes in sometimes. because it's a great way to subconsciously cut you down and to build them up. I mean, it's sick, isn't it? Be can you see how it's kind of like this win win? You don't know about the cheating, but in their subconscious mind, it still kind of this way to cut you down and to build them up.

Wow. Think about how crazy that is. Guys who cheat, again, I'm being gender stereotypical here. People who cheat. who have fragile egos. Also, we'll do things like change their appearance, start acting different. Suddenly, they're all into Live music, and they've never been into it before. Suddenly, they're all into the new car. You know, people talk about the midlife crisis. It's all the midlife crisis behaviors. Suddenly, they're all into all these different things because they don't know who they are. People with strong egos don't have midlife crisis. People with strong egos know who they are and are able to say things like, wow. Getting older is hard.

This really sucks. Wow. The realization that The bulk of my life is now behind me instead of ahead of me. That's a lot, isn't it? And people can say, yeah. That's a lot, and they talk. but they know it doesn't make them worthless. They know it makes them somebody who's aging and dealing with it. Again, whereas somebody with the fragile ego is all of a sudden gonna freak out. Lost childhood. lost, you know, whatever it is. I'm gonna reclaim it now. I'm gonna drive fast. I'm gonna get the red sports car. I'm gonna get a young hot girlfriend. I'm gonna blah blah blah because they don't know who they are. because they're not connected to their values. Their values didn't suddenly change. They never knew what their values were in the first place.

A person with a healthy ego, yes, your core values can change a little bit over time, Like, you might be more connected to family. That might be a stronger core value when your kids are younger. That might be your number one core you when your kids are younger because you're creating a family and they need you. When your kids are grown and married and living their own life, Family is still going to be important, but it's not going to be as high of a value as it once was because young kiddos in your house are not relying on you to live. Success is a core value. Might be more important when you're younger in building a career. And then as you enter your eighties, maybe success isn't as important anymore. So, yes, core values can change, and they can up, and they can flow. But who you are At the core, that's why they call it core. In your core values, it doesn't really change. It ebbs and it flows with the situation and with what's going on in the world and your life. But if integrity is still a core value, integrity is a teenager is going to look different than integrity as an eighty year old. but it's still the same core value.

So somebody with a fragile ego doesn't know who they are. They hit a midlife crisis. They have never figured out their core values. Suddenly, they're going through all of these different things, and they're looking ridiculous. The affair. Who do you think the affair partner is? Do you think the affair partner is somebody with a strong ego or a fragile ego? As I said earlier, yeah, We talk a lot about the fragile male ego, but, yes, there is a fragile female ego too.

Let me tell you a little bit about what fragile egos look like in women. Women with fragile egos tend to backstab other women. Women with fragile egos can't support other women because it all feels like threat. Women with fragile egos have a hard time having other girlfriends, having females in power, They love to be the center of attention. They don't care. They appear to be very very ruthless. They consider other women their competition. They seek validation. They think on the one hand that they need a man to be -- that they need a man to be of value. But at the same time, they really, really resist acting like They need a man. So they'll make men wait for things. They'll play games. They'll push pull because she needs to be in control of the relationship.

Think about the affair partners. The affair partners. are typically women who also have fragile egos. So if a man who has an affair has a tendency to have a fragile ego, and he attracts a woman with a fragile ego. If you talk about the concept of like attracts like, it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? You're Man, your partner is not coming to you when you have a strong ego. He's gonna go to somebody with an equally weak ego. and then they're gonna validate each other. And it's gonna be like, woah. I choose you, and I choose you.

And it's that whole limerence thing. Oh, you're amazing. You're validating me. Hello. You're and you're validating me, and it has nothing to do with reality. It has to do with fragility. It has to do with not knowing the core. It has to do with that false building up. Because think about all of that stuff that's going on in their heads. This is amazing. This is, you know, love. This is power. This is whatever. No. It's trying to build up their own fragile ego. So what I want to wrap this up with, because this has been a lot of talking to get you to, like, see all the connections Because there's a lot of dots here, and I wanted to draw a connection between all of the dots just so you could kind of start thinking about your own situation. -- and just thinking and just pondering.

Because we all go through times where we have a stronger sense of self and a weaker sense of self. And if you were the betrayed partner, chances are you might also be struggling from a fragile ego right now because you've just been cut down by somebody with a really fragile ego. And, again, know that that's okay. It's okay to have to build your self esteem up. It's normal to go up and down in life. Just admit it and be like, yeah. Okay. My self esteem really took a hit, and I'm going to have to do some work to build it back up. And some of the work to build a backup includes doing things like listening to shows like this, self reflecting. learning about, what is a fragile ego? Journaling about how do I feel? What are my core values? Who am I? Have I been relying on external markers of success instead of really validating myself?

It might mean working with a coach, me or somebody else, whose specialty is helping people reclaim their identity. which means you might be figuring out your identity for the first time and really getting solid in who you are. So solid that no matter what anybody says or does, no matter what happens around you, you were still solid in yourself. you still have a healthy ego. You can take some of the ups and downs. It's the resilience that you'll be okay You won't lose your temper. You won't do things that you regret. That's building up the ego. Sometimes journaling. Affirmations. Affirmations are huge watching yourself talk. Listening to yourself talk and changing it. The things that we say to our self, we would probably never say to a friend, That's a great way to start rebuilding your ego. Is watching your own self talk.

And, again, awareness. It all starts with awareness. I always like to say, know yourself and show yourself. No one you're struggling. Show that struggle. So you can get help. so you can be supported. Know when you're feeling healthy. Show. when you're feeling healthy. So you can be a beacon of light for others as to what healthy looks like. Know yourself. and show yourself because we all need to work on our egos. And especially after betrayal, we need to work on our egos. And the reason so much of this show has also been focused on the fragile male ego is because I really want you to understand that somebody else's ego has nothing to do with you.

The fragile state of somebody else's ego says nothing about you. It's not about you. It's about them. And I want you to have some compassion. Yeah. It's really horrible that you feel that way. Have that compassion. It doesn't mean you have to give into them. It doesn't mean that you have to, you know, subvert yourself. Have some compassion, have some understanding so you can identify what's really going on. Because I'm really big on identifying what's really going on because only when we understand what is really going on can we get to the bottom of things? And when you really, really understand, and you can see, oh, my gosh. My partner did all of this stuff for years, and I never identified what was really going on. I always thought I could have been a better cook, or I thought I could have been a more attentive partner, or I thought this, or I thought that, or I thought the other thing. It's not about that.

When you identify what was really going on, it changes the narrative. and it allows you to keep your ego strong to keep your sense of self strong. Let me wrap up by giving you some of the signs of a fragile, male, ego so you can look back in your relationship and identify, yeah, my partner probably did have a fragile male ego, and that fragile ego probably did lead to some cheating. Or you could look back and be like, nope. My partner had a very strong ego. Oh my goodness. Maybe it's me that's got some fragile ego stuff going on, and maybe it's time that I addressed this. because I always like to say betrayal uncovers the truth. Betrail uncovers the truth. of what we need to address about what's going on inside of us that we're too afraid to see. Okay.

So here's some of the signs that somebody has a fragile ego. The biggest sign is that they really care about impressing others. Like, they really care about impressing others. They go the extra mile to impress others all the time. They're not just normal. They're way over the top. at work. They're volunteering for things. They have all these unrealistic expectations. They they will do anything to feel important. They are the big tipper. They have the best car. They always have to be, like, the star, the center. They're they're always right there. They always try to sound knowledgeable. They always know everything about everything. They are mansplaining. They will tell you the wine. They will do all of that. They know everything.

Another clue, another sign that somebody has a fragile ego is they are horrible. at receiving negative feedback. Oh my gosh. They cannot handle it. They take everything as a personal attack. nothing is ever constructive criticism. It's this personal attack on them. You can say specifically, like, I don't like jalapenos. And instead of saying, okay, I won't put jalapenos in the guacamole, all of a sudden, they take it that they made it wrong. that they are a bad cook, and you're sitting there going, wait. What? There was no personal attack here. I was just saying that I don't like that.

They can't receive feedback. They think everything has something wrong with them. Like, even if you say, oh, Your voice is really loud. They'll think that it means something about them. So you're saying I'm angry? No. I'm saying your voice is really loud. The third sign that somebody's got a fragile ego is they have a lot of trouble handling failure. beyond just the normal disappointments. This is so sad. I'm really disappointed. I didn't get that job. Things aren't working out. Instead of just being kind of normal? They really can't handle failure. They tantrum. They will do anything to be competitive. They will do anything to win.

They cannot handle failure. Another thing that's a clue that somebody's got a fragile ego is they have aggressive tendencies. They use force to get what they want from others. They jump. They demand. They try to influence and manipulate. They think aggression. is the way that we should do things. You know, think about, like, the traditional stereotypical military, my way or the highway. Think about Jack Nicholson and a few good men. It's that gruff, aggressive. This is my way. You're if you can't handle it, you're not there.

And the other thing is, they place an unrealistic amount of importance on appearance, whether it's their physical appearance, or their car has to be clean and polished. or their meals have to be set on the table, or their house and their yard has to look a certain way or their kids or their spouse has to look a certain way. They have all of this pressure on how things look, how the family looks, how they are perceived in society. And that kinda goes along with the first one, which is about being being important, but this is a little bit different because this is truly You know how you talk about don't judge a book by its cover.

They are completely obsessed with the cover. The cover has to be perfect. They can have a miserable relationship, but if it looks good at a party, that's great because they care about how things look -- as opposed to how things are because they care about the judgment of others more than they care about how they themselves feel. And again, that ties into the whole of their thing in a weirdly twisted way. so many men say, the affair is not really satisfying in a lot of ways. And it's not because they don't care about how they feel. They care about how things look. And if they look desirable because they can get other women, that's what matters. It doesn't matter if they really don't have a connection with this person.

Or if the intimacy is really not that great, what matters is how it looks. Even if other people aren't directly looking at it and seeing it, from their fragile ego mind, they see themselves as like, wow. I am somebody with a mistress, with a girl for with several girlfriends, with the wife. I am somebody who is so important. This is gonna be amazing. I am manly. Because going back to the very beginning, and this is that tie in that I wanted to come back around to, going back to the beginning with the fragile ego, It takes away their manhood. You're crying like a little girl. You're a wuss. All of these things means you're not a man.

So if they have an affair, they are a man. Sit with a show for a while. There is a lot here, and it's probably going to make your head spin, have a glass of wine, or have a glass of tea, and self reflect and process. Again, I want to remind you, I am now doing one on one session. Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. So reach out to me, Lora@Loracheedle.coml ora@lorachedle.com, and let get you booked for your one on one session so we can just tackle one thing. That thing might be figuring out what was really going on. Is it an ego? Is it my ego? Is it their ego? Is it her ego? Is it his ego? Whatever it is, let's sit down together and let's figure it out. I can't wait to meet you. Think about this. Talk sweetly to yourself. Build yourself up because you're worth it. And always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more, than enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:06]:

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband's infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function sleeping was impossible because I couldn't shut off my brain. Evening was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, and for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you're having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can't focus, better help is here to help you.

Better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There's a broad range of expertise and better helps 20,000 plus therapists network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you'll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions, plus you can exchange unlimited messages and everything you share is completely confidential. I know the confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn't even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening.

And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime. Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced better help therapist. special offer to flaunt, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at betterhelp.com/flaunt. That's better help help.com/slantflaunt. Thanks again to better help for sponsoring this podcast.

Narrator [00:54:24]:

Tune in next time to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. With radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST, unsindicated Dreamvision 7 radio network. develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love, and embrace who you are today. download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth.com.