Why You’re Sabotaging Your Own Healing After Betrayal — And How to Finally Set Yourself Free

By Lora Cheadle, Betrayal Recovery Coach & Former Attorney
(Originally aired on the FLAUNT! Podcast – Listen here)

You say you want to heal… but why do you keep pulling away when things start to get better?

If you’ve been betrayed by your intimate partner, you already know how excruciating it is. But what many women don’t realize is that the pain of betrayal doesn’t stop with the cheating—it continues through a subtle but destructive pattern called self-sabotage.

As a betrayal recovery coach and woman who lived through my own husband’s 15-year affair, I want to speak to the part of you that’s desperate to feel better but terrified to let go of the pain.

In this blog, I’ll help you:

• Recognize how you may be sabotaging your own healing

• Understand the subconscious reasons behind it

• Learn how to gently, powerfully shift out of survival mode and reclaim your joy

What Is Self-Sabotage After Betrayal?

Self-sabotage after infidelity is any behavior—conscious or unconscious—that keeps you stuck in pain, even as you say you want to move forward.

It can look like:

• Picking fights when things start feeling safe again

• Rejecting comfort, love, or sex from your partner

• Refusing to go to therapy or do your healing work

• Shutting down emotionally right when joy returns

• Holding on to pain so your partner knows how badly they hurt you

“The only way to show someone your emotional wound… is to act wounded.”
— Lora Cheadle

 

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

It’s not because you’re broken or weak. It’s because your body, your nervous system, and your subconscious mind are trying to protect you.

Here’s what may be underneath your self-sabotage:

• Fear of getting hurt again (“I won’t survive another betrayal.”)

• Desire to punish (“I won’t heal too fast—he needs to feel this.”)

• Unworthiness (“Maybe this is the best I’ll ever get.”)

• Fear of success (“If I’m actually happy… will people still accept me?”)

• Comfort in the familiar (“I know how to survive pain. Joy? That’s new.”)

The Biological Truth: Fight, Flight, Freeze… and FIX

After betrayal, many women enter survival mode—and “fix” becomes a trauma response.
We scramble to fix the relationship, fix our partner, fix the future… all while shrinking ourselves to avoid more hurt.

But when healing begins, that nervous system activation doesn’t just disappear. It whispers:

• “Don’t relax yet…”

• “Don’t forgive too fast…”

• “Don’t feel good… he’ll think it wasn’t that bad.”

Signs You’re Sabotaging Your Own Healing

Take a breath and ask yourself gently:
Do any of these feel familiar?

• I want to heal… but I keep replaying the pain.

• I punish my partner with silence, distance, or control.

• I’m afraid that if I feel good again, I’ll lose power.

• I know what I should do to heal, but I just don’t do it.

• I feel like I have to “perform” pain so others understand how bad it really was.

You’re not alone. These are incredibly common—and incredibly human—responses to betrayal.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Healing

1. Get radically honest about your fears

Write them down. Say them out loud. Share them with someone safe.

“I’m afraid if I let go of pain, he won’t suffer enough.”
“I’m afraid if I heal, it means the betrayal didn’t matter.”

This isn’t petty. This is your nervous system trying to keep you safe.

2. Shift from righteousness to vulnerability

Yes, it feels good to be right. But healing requires being willing to be vulnerable.
You don’t have to give up your boundaries. You just have to lay down the sword long enough to receive.

3. Choose micro-commitments that feel good

Healing doesn’t mean pretending everything’s okay. It means choosing moments—small, powerful moments—where you let yourself feel good on purpose.

• Say yes to dinner if it sounds fun.

• Let him hold your hand if it feels good.

• Celebrate a holiday even if you’re still hurting.

Healing doesn’t mean letting him off the hook. It means letting yourself off the hook.

4. Surround yourself with support

Self-sabotage thrives in silence and shame.
When we isolate, we believe the lies in our head.
When we connect, we remember:

We’re not crazy. We’re not weak. We’re human—and we’re healing.

Final Thought: You Don’t Have to Stay Broken to Prove a Point

You don’t have to keep bleeding to prove you were wounded.
You don’t have to keep suffering to make sure he gets it.
You’re allowed to reclaim joy. You’re allowed to heal—fully.
And when you do, it doesn’t let him off the hook.
It lets you out of the prison.

Ready to Break Free from Self-Sabotage?

If you’re tired of shrinking, doubting, and staying stuck in survival mode, it’s time to take the first brave step toward feeling good again.

Let’s talk. In your free 30-minute Affair Recovery Clarity Session, we’ll unpack what’s keeping you stuck and create a personalized path forward—emotionally, energetically, and practically.

Book your one-on-one Affair Recovery Session today and start moving forward with clarity and support.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. You just have to take the next step.

Share This Blog

This blog is for the woman who’s done everything right… and still got betrayed.
Share it with a friend who needs to know:

You don’t have to do this alone—and you’re allowed to heal.

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