In this episode, Lora answers six questions from her Facebook group, Affair Recovery for Women – Flourish After Infidelity. If you’ve got a question that you’d like Lora to answer in her next show, reach out, join her Facebook community, and ask!

Join the Facebook Community Here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/affairrecoveryforwomen/

Your Questions Answered:

• How do you “get over” the act that you will never be your husband’s “last, first,” or anything for that matter.
• How to stop bringing up the affair, seeking more information, torturing yourself, and condemning him all over again.
• What are the different stages of emotion to expect?
• What phase is the cheater going through, and how can I manage that?
• Are there key indicators to look for that your partner is really changing>
• How do you get over the feeling that something bad is going to happen?

Join the Facebook Community Here & Get Your Questions Answered! https://www.facebook.com/groups/affairrecoveryforwomen/

About Lora

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

The most comfortable shoes you will ever wear! Available in seven heel heights, these shoes will keep you comfortably on your feet for 12 hours. Made with cork, many styles are available including heels, wedges, and boots. www.EuropeanHeels.com $25 off with Discount Code Flaunt

SOLAWAVE Reduce the appearance of wrinkles, fine lines, dark circles, blemishes, and dark spots while de-puffing and energizing your skin. This 7x Award-Winning Skincare Wand combines Red Light Therapy, Galvanic Current, Therapeutic Warmth, and Facial Massage for an easy-to-use and effective treatment. https://www.pjtra.com/t/2-574028-273174-269792

Purchase Lora’s book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self on Amazon, IndieBound or wherever books are sold.

Transcript

Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to FLAUNT, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello and welcome to FLAUNT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle. And today, I’m going to answer some questions that have come up in my Facebook group. And in case you are not in my Facebook group already, let me give you the information so you can join and connect with us. The group’s name is Affair Recovery For Women Flourish After Infidelity. So I will link the name in the show notes or the link in the show notes, but you can also just search that. A fair recovery for women flourish after infidelity.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:20]:
And what I really, really love about this group is everybody in it is dedicated to healing. Everybody in it is dedicated to supporting each other, to being really clear about themselves, their needs, speaking the truth, calling out the truth, and creating healing. So once a week in that group, I ask for questions, And these are just some of the questions that have come up. So I decided I would do a show and answer these questions. And if you’ve got some questions that, you’d like answered, please reach out. You can post them in the Facebook group. You can email me, laura@laurateetal.com. And then that way, the next time I do a question and answer show, your questions will be answered.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:18]:
So let’s get into this. The first question is, how do you get over the fact that? And the specific question was that you will never be your husband’s last first. And I’m going to answer this question a little bit more generally. How do you get over the fact that? It can be anything. The fact that this happened, the fact that your partner had feelings for somebody else, the fact that you got an STD, the fact that a child was conceived, the fact that it doesn’t matter. How do you get over it? What I wanna say is you don’t really get over it. You integrate it, and you process it, and you accept it. And it becomes part of the narrative of your life.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:22]:
And it even becomes a part of who you are, but it’s truly not something that you get over. And I realized that some of that is just semantics. Some of that, whether you say get through it, get over it, whatever, but it’s also not. Because if you think about what’s happening when you get over something, you’ve got a hurdle and you get over that hurdle, and there’s a really big climb, and then you fall on the other side, and then you move on, and that hurdle is behind you. Infidelity is one of those things that in a way, it’s never behind you. No. It doesn’t need to impact you every day. If it’s still impacting you every day, we should talk, we should coach because it shouldn’t be impacting you every day.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:19]:
It doesn’t need to impact you every day. If it is impacting you every day, there’s something else going on, and there are tools to address that. There are ways to address that. But I think when you think about how do I get it over? Truly, the most important thing to realize is this isn’t something that you just get over and you put behind you. It is the story of your life. We have lived through things like the COVID ban pandemic, 911. You’ve probably lost people in your life. People have passed away.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:03]:
And the pain and the grief becomes less acute as you find acceptance. And how you get over it is by making peace with it. How you get over it is by integrating it into who you are, into the narrative of the story that is your life. And acceptance takes time because accepting something means you’re no longer pushing against it. You’re no longer fighting it. You’re no longer telling the story to yourself that this is wrong and that this is bad and that this impacts me, you’re at peace with it. You’re letting it drop. And that takes time.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:07]:
You have to grieve the loss because this is a loss. Like in this question, how do you get over the fact that you’ll never be your husband’s last first? That’s a loss. You will never be. You will never be whatever it is. You will never have whatever it is. That’s a loss. Whether it’s a small loss that’s fairly insignificant or a major loss, all losses need to be grieved. All losses need to be honored.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:44]:
And if you want to accept something, anything, and get over it, it’s essential that you take the time to grieve that loss. Identify that loss. What is the loss? In here that you’ll never be your husband’s last first. What is that loss? That you will never have this many years of a relationship, you know, that are with a faithful partner. I grieve the loss of so many different things. The loss of my young self, the loss of my innocence, the loss of name that thing that you were grieving. I love this question because it’s very specific about how do you get over this one specific thing. Name it.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:30]:
Then the second thing is feel it. Name it and then feel because you need to grieve that loss. And then the third step is finding acceptance. And acceptance comes, like I said earlier, from not pushing against it, from not fighting it. Breathe. Open. Instead of clenching and shutting down, open your heart. Notice that you are still you.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:14]:
It doesn’t matter. You are still you. You still have the same kind of feelings that you had before. You still hurt. You still love. You still breathe. Start naming all of the things that you still do. This loss did not take that away from you.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:39]:
You can still love. You can still do all of these different things. So that’s how you get over something is you slowly open up to let it in. You open up to integrate it and make it a part of you. And when you’re resisting that thing, that’s when you’re not getting over it because you’re constantly fighting. I’m gonna tell you a little story. I’ve told this on this podcast a couple of years ago. But a couple of years ago, I went to Peru, and it was an incredible experience on so many different levels.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:23]:
And we worked with a shaman and we did a lot of self discovery journeys. And at the end of that week, the culminating experience was a plant medicine ceremony for people who wanted to participate. And you didn’t have to, there was no pressure, but you could if you wanted to. And even though all week, I was a 100% certain I was not gonna do it because I was not interested in that at all. The day of the ceremony, we were seated in our circle, and I felt called to partake in the plant medicine journey, so I did. And during that journey near its end, I had this experience where I kept seeing an ugly, horrible, skinny, like, looked like a meth addicted man with sores all over his body and skinny, and he was huddled in the corner. And he was really gross, not really seeing him with my physical eyes, seeing him in my mind’s eye. And it was like, oh, what is that? And there was a shaman and a medicine woman, and I wanted them to make that image go away.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:38]:
And what they told me to do was to relax and to stop fighting it and to go with it. And even though that seemed counterintuitive, when I relaxed and was like, I have no control here. I’m not gonna fight this fighting. It was making it worse, and I relaxed. I had this incredible experience. In my mind, I wanted to have this incredible experience where I relaxed and then the man became beautiful again. Or I relaxed and then the man sat up and I went over and we embraced and we loved each other. That this man was a disowned part of me, that this man was a part of my story and my journey that I didn’t want, but we had this beautiful happy ending together.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:28]:
And I’m sad to report that is not what happened. What happened when I relaxed is I became comfortable with the fact that he was in the corner. I became comfortable with the fact that I didn’t want him there. I became comfortable with the fact that he looked like this skinny, meth addicted, gross man, and that I was uncomfortable having him around. I became comfortable in my discomfort. And I wanted this beautiful violins playing happy ending and that’s not what I got because in a lot of ways, that’s not really realistic and that’s not really acceptance. That’s a Disney happy ending. That’s not really acceptance.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:11]:
And my acceptance came when I got really comfortable with the fact that, you know what? He’s there. This stinking ugly part of my journey is there, and I can’t really change it. And who does it hurt for me to go around complaining that there’s an ugly mouth addicted man in my corner? It hurts me. How does it make me feel to constantly be focused on this one corner when my entire rest of my room is good? Well, it really makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel, like, not appreciative and gross. So that journey for me was such a visceral and visual understanding of acceptance. I’ve got 3 other corners that are good. I’ve got a whole room that’s good.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:05]:
This one corner, I hate the man in the corner. I don’t want this man in the corner. But the more I push against and try to get him out and try to haul him out and call him the shaman and the medicine woman and do all of these things and decorate him and put flowers on him, the more obnoxious that it gets. And if I truly want to accept that man, that fact, that journey, whatever it is, the best thing to do is really let it be. And I encourage you to listen to the lyrics of John Lennon’s let it be Because it is about just letting it be. That’s acceptance. That’s letting it be, and that is how you get over anything. Name it.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:59]:
Feel it. Grieve its loss, and then move into acceptance by stopping pushing against. The second question is how to stop bringing up the affair. How to stop constantly seeking more information. How to stop torturing yourself and then condemning him all over again because it puts you back in that cycle and back in that cycle and back in that cycle. This question was followed up by a comment. She said, as a Christian, I believe having conviction is good, but condemning keeps us both in a place of anger and shame. Sure does, doesn’t it? Okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:48]:
How to stop bringing it up? First of all, ask yourself, why am I bringing it up? If there is a gut feeling inside of you, if there is that gentle nudging, whether you call it intuition or the holy spirit or whatever, listen to what’s inside of you. Why are you bringing it up? If the answer is I’m bringing it up because I’ve got this feeling there’s something more, then honor yourself and honor that feeling that there is something more. Are you bringing it up because you want an excuse to punish? That’s something that really does happen. When we don’t feel not sure if validated is the right word, entitled. When we don’t feel entitled to just bring something up, sometimes we search for an excuse to bring something up. So maybe you’re feeling all of these feelings and these cycles of rage keep coming up and these cycles of that so not fair keep coming up, and these cycles keep coming up for you. And instead of being very honest in approaching your partner and saying, these cycles keep coming up and I need to talk about it. Sometimes we seek a justification.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:10]:
Well, I know. It’s kind of a passive aggressive way of dealing with things. Sometimes if you ask yourself, why? Why am I bringing it up? It’s because you do want to punish. Do I wanna punish my spouse? Am I bringing this up because I wanna punish them? Ask yourself why you’re bringing it up. I brought up just 3 ideas. Your ideas could be different. I’m saying maybe it’s intuition, Maybe it’s because you’re not you wanna say something and you just don’t feel entitled to say it. And then maybe you want to punish your spouse.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:51]:
Ask yourself, what is it? It could just be, I feel like I’m seeking safety. I feel like I need reassurance. Well, if you’re doing it because you need reassurance, what might be a better way to get reassurance? Would it be easier just to ask for reassurance to say I’m just feeling insecure? That’s an option. But ask yourself, why do you keep bringing it up? And similarly with why do I keep seeking more information? Same thing. Why why do you? Do you think there’s something there you need to know? Are you just trying to reassure yourself? Are you trying to catch a lie? Ask yourself why. And if you don’t know, here’s a trick. If you’re like, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m bringing it up, and I don’t know why I’m seeking more information.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:50]:
If you had to make a guess, why? Guess why? You don’t have to know the right answer. Just guess. Just guess. Because sometimes when we ask ourselves questions and we don’t know the answer, there’s like this fear that we’re gonna get the wrong answers. We’re like, I don’t wanna answer that because I don’t exactly know. You don’t have to know. If you had to guess, what would it be? And that’s the first place to start, is to figure out that underlying reason why. Because, of course, there’s all those habit control things that we can do.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:29]:
You know? Putting a a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it every time you go to ask a question. Sure. That can be great if it’s something like reaching for a cookie or stopping smoking or something like that. But what matters is the underlying reason. Because if you can address the root cause and take care of that, then the habitual behavior won’t come up. So number 1, root cause. Ask yourself why and get to the root cause. 2nd of all, torturing myself and condemning him all over again.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:09]:
Okay. I’m gonna break this down. Why are you torturing yourself? Sometimes, there’s a couple of different things. There’s many different things, but here’s the 2 of the most common ones. Sometimes we want to torture ourselves because we want to show our partner how bad they hurt us. And we think if I am miserable and they see how miserable I am, it punishes them and I wanna punish them. I know it doesn’t make sense consciously, but it makes sense on a subconscious level. Sometimes, it is us validating our own lack of self esteem or lack of self worth.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:53]:
If we think I’m not really entitled to feel good, I need to be thinner to feel good, I need to be make more money to feel good. I need to be a better wife or mom to feel good. And our partner has just cheated on us, and that invalidates how good we think we thought we were before. Sometimes we almost want to torture ourself because it proves how bad we are. It proves that they were justified in having an affair because we’re not really worth it. So take a check into the self esteem around that and be like, you know what? I deserve to feel good. You mentioned that you were a Christian. Does God want you to feel bad, or does God want you to feel good? God wants his children to feel good.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:38]:
God wants his children to be happy. God wants his children to live fully. So what are you getting from torturing yourself? Same thing with condemning him all over again. Maybe it feels good in a way because maybe it validates your pain. When your pain is, like, level 100, there’s a lot that needs to come out. There’s a lot that needs to come out. When your pain is level 100, you’re justified in condemning him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again because it makes it valid and it makes your pain real. And I wanna name that as part of it too.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:34]:
Sometimes we don’t feel like they’ve been punished enough. And sometimes we feel like I wanna condemn over and over and over again so they know. Conviction is good. It is good. But you said, but condemnation keeps you both in anger and shame and it does. So here are my questions around that. Have you grieved enough? Have you raged enough? Have you expressed yourself enough? If you’re like, oh, yeah. We’ve done anger practices.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:13]:
I have journaled. I’ve thrown pillows around. I’ve screamed. I’ve pounded the pavement. I’ve lifted weights vigorously. I have sobbed. It’s all come out. Then maybe this is habitual, and then maybe we just do need to correct the habit.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:35]:
Maybe using some of those traditional habit correction things like snapping the wrist with a rubber band. Oh, I don’t need to do that anymore. Or going and journaling. What can I do instead? Right now, I want to seek information. Right now, I want to condemn. What can I do instead? I can walk. I can journal. I can breathe.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:55]:
I can work out. I can call a friend. I can make a meal. I can whatever it is. Habits. I can use hypnosis. I can use my coach. I can use my counselor.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:07]:
I can use my accountability buddy to break that habit. But you only wanna break a habit after you’ve gotten it out enough. It spiritual bypassing is where you are so tired sometimes and you just feeling the pain that you don’t wanna keep feeling the pain. You just wanna move to the happy place. But the problem with that is it’s like when a wound closes on the surface, but it is still festering inside. You’ve gotta heal from the inside out. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, you have to heal from the inside out. So ask yourself, am I truly done raging and grieving? Have I let all of this out, or is there still more? Because maybe you’re not torturing yourself, and maybe you’re not condemning him all over again.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:01]:
Maybe you’re just not done being angry, and that’s okay. Work on getting through that anger. And you can even tell him, I don’t mean to condemn you. I’m sorry. But I still have more anger, and I’m finding constructive ways to release my anger, but that’s really hard to do. And then start working on some more constructive ways to release that anger. Okay. The third question is what are the different stages to expect? I find myself moving through so many different things.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:42]:
Insecurity, anger, hurt, grief. And, you know, this ties into that second question, I think, really well. The stages are jokingly but seriously to all of the above. Hysterical bonding happens early on, and that’s where you’re like, you wanna connect and you wanna reconnect, and people sometimes will have all of this sex and all of this connection. You will probably go through a phase where you’re like, pick me. I will do everything. I will fight for you. There’s phases, I’m sure, where you’re like, I’m so done.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:17]:
I’m so out of here. Every emotion that you can probably think of, you will experience during infidelity. Stages of grief, bargaining, anger, fear, shame, like, everything. And sadly, I can’t tell you that there is a 100 percent predictable pattern of stages that you will go through. In my experience, people experience them all in very different ranges, in very different lengths of time, and in a very different order. And the reason why is because we all receive the information at different times and in different orders, and it impacts us all differently. What I do want you to know is whatever you’re feeling right now is normal. An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is normal.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:19]:
And dealing with infidelity is a completely abnormal situation. You have been had the rug pulled out from under you. You have been completely thrown for a loop. However you feel is exactly the way that you should be feeling. Feel it all. Oh, sweet person. Feel it all. It’s not fun to feel it all.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:47]:
It hurts to feel it all. It can make you nauseous and headachy and exhausted and confused and all of the above. But the only way through this pain, through these feelings is through it. And this also kinda ties back to that first question about how do you get over it by going through it, by integrating it, and by having those experiences yourself. By having you are having your dark night of the soul. You are having your dark night of the soul. Have the grief. Have the pain.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:32]:
Have it all. What are the different stages? All of them. You will feel hopeful and you will feel hopeless. You will feel it all. But here is the one more predictable thing. The roller coaster hills start off really high and really low. And as you move through this journey, those hills do get smaller and smaller. Those hills do start leveling out.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:06]:
And that is the only thing truly that is predictable, is that whatever you feel will start leveling out. And here’s the other thing that I know for sure. I know for sure that this too shall pass. I know for sure that however you feel right now and however however much conviction you have, that it will change. I know that however resolute you are today, it will be totally different tomorrow. And I also know that probably for the rest of your life, you will look back and you will wonder about certain things, and you will question certain things. And do you know what that’s called? That’s called being a good, conscientious human. You will question things because you want to make sure you are making the right decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:07]:
One of my programs is a 90 day online program. You can do it yourself on your own timing, or you can buy a series of 15 minute 1 on 1 sessions with me to help walk you through this 90 day program. This program is called a fair recovery, clarity, get clarity, confidence, and, peace along the way. And this is the reason that I created this program. This program uses 3 modalities. It uses, journaling, meditation, and somatic movement, body processing using your body to help give you just like that clarity, confidence, and peace along the way. Because it’s designed to help you make decisions that you feel more centered and grounded in. And this is why I created that program because the roller coaster hills are so up and down.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:19]:
Feelings are fleeting. And you are not your feelings. And this program is designed to give you tools to recenter into who you are. So even when you’re elated, you can still ground and make a decision. And even when you are on the floor sobbing and crying, you can use those same tools to ground and to bring you back to that place of center because you will question your own decisions. And this program is designed to bring you to that still point where you can make a decision from that still point. And then you can always come back to that still point in the future and being like, you know what? The information that I had then, this is the best decision. The information that I know now, this is the best decision.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:14]:
And so you can start becoming aware of your emotions and your feelings and having that awareness that you’re going through something. And a little bit of an awareness, like, are the highs and lows quite as high? Where are you on the journey? Last week’s show was about creating habits, and it was about this journey. And, again, what I know for sure is you will experience highs and lows, but they will start leveling out. I know this too shall pass. And I also know that one day you will look back on this whole thing and be like, wow. I am on the other side of it. I’m just on the other side. But as far as a predictable phase by phase thing along the way, you’re gonna feel it all.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:17]:
Accept those feelings. If you’re interested in jumping into that 90 day program, it’s only $208. It is not a lot of money. I can’t remember how much it is to work with me, but it’s $208 to do it on your own. And I want to say it’s like 350 to do it with me. So it is not it is not a significant investment, but it helps so much. Alright. The next question is, what are the phases the cheater is going through? And the example she said was like gaslighting to deflect and protect themselves.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:59]:
I love this question because when we can also have that awareness of what somebody else is going through, it helps us stay sane. It helps us to realize that the way we’re feeling or what we’re experiencing is not crazy. It’s them. It’s not us. So when we’re aware that they’re gaslighting to deflect, then we can name that, oh, they are gaslighting. When they are projecting their emotions onto us, we can be like, oh, they’re projecting. Being aware of what they’re going through truly is huge. Here are some of the things that they will do.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:39]:
They will gaslight. They don’t wanna answer questions directly because it will send them into a shame spiral and nobody wants to do that. And it will make them feel like they just have to stand there and being the bad guy. And again, nobody wants to stand there in that place of shame or being the bad guy. Nobody really wants to own it. Nobody wants to eat crow. Nobody. I don’t want to, you don’t want to, nobody likes that.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:03]:
It’s not comfortable. So what are some of the defenses? Well, gaslighting, making you feel crazy, convincing you that it’s you, that it’s not them, takes the spotlight off of them. It’s not me, it’s you. Blame shifting. Well, if you hadn’t done this, That’s a big one. Projecting. Whatever they’re feeling, they project it all over you. Well, you’re so guilty.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:33]:
Well, you’re so paranoid. Well, you’re so. And those are 3 of the biggest ones. Gaslighting, making you feel crazy. Projecting their emotions onto you, and blame shifting. Doesn’t really matter what they’re doing. It doesn’t really matter. If you are not feeling heard, that’s what matters.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:02]:
It can help to identify it to know that it’s got a name in your head so then you can be like, This is what they’re doing. But basically, the relevant question for you is, am I being heard? Am I having my question asked? Yes, no question. And Okay. We’ve got 2 different kinds of questions. We have open ended questions and we have yes, no questions. If you’re seeking a lot of information, you can ask an open ended question. What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What was your experience of? Open ended questions invite the other person into conversation, so you keep going. But sometimes in situations like this, you might wanna ask a closed question, which is a yes or no question.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:50]:
Were you with her on the 25th October? Yes or no? Did you have physical body contact with her of any kind? Yes or no? Were you emotionally relying on whatever? Yes or no. So you can take control of the situation by asking a closed ended question or an open ended question, then you can determine, am I getting my needs met? Is my question being answered? Or are they deflecting or blaming? Or what are they doing? Because what are they gonna go through? Let me tell you what they’re gonna go through. Just like you’re gonna go through absolutely everything, they are also gonna go through absolutely everything because nobody wants to be caught. Nobody wants to be crow. Nobody wants to be seen as the bad person, especially nobody wants to be seen as the bad person in front of somebody that they care about and love. Nobody wants to do that. Humans do not wanna do that. So just as you’re gonna go through everything, they are going to go through everything too.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:02]:
Now this kind of ties into my next question. The next question is, what are some of the key indicators to look for to determine if somebody is really changing or not? One of the key indicators is that they’re willing to own it. They’re willing to be embarrassed in front of you. They’re willing to hold that shame. They are willing to be uncomfortable. We’ve talked a couple times about it’s not fun to be uncomfortable. It’s not fun to go through all of these horrible emotions, but we can’t spiritually bypass and push through without feeling them all fully. So one of the biggest key indicators is they are willing to be wildly and wildly embarrassed by this because they have to stand in it and own it.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:59]:
And they have to tell you things that they don’t ever want to tell you. And they have to answer questions that they never wanted to answer. And that they are being honest that they are not blaming you. That’s the biggest one. If anybody says, but it’s if you wouldn’t have or it was your fault or I wasn’t feeling, it’s not a thing. They made a choice. They may have felt a certain way. Sure.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:33]:
But you did not make them cheat. So the biggest indicator is that they’re willing to own it, and they’re willing to own it fully that it was my decision, that it was my choice, that it truly had nothing to do with you. And then second, that they are getting help. That they are changing because I’ve said this before, cheating is a tool. Cheating is a tool that they use to manage their pain, their discomfort. So what is another tool that they’re going to use? What is another tool that they’re going to use? And then they have to practice using that tool. If you really, really think about the toolbox, you’ve got the hammer. You’ve got the wrench.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:19]:
You’ve got the screwdriver. You’ve got a variety of tools. If you’re always using the hammer, even though you have 10 other tools in there, who cares if you have the other tools? Who cares that you have all the tools in the world if all you ever do is pick up the hammer? You’ve got to start using the other tools. So how can you tell if they’re changing? They’re using different tools. They are using vastly different tools. They are learning them. They are owning it, and they are doing things different. Do they always pick up a drink to manage their stress? Did they always pick a fight to manage their stress? They have to be doing things different.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:06]:
They have to show up different. Words are not enough. Actions, they are showing up different. They are having different conversations. You are talking in ways like you have never talked before. They are owning it. They are getting help. They are doing things different.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:27]:
So indicators, key indicators, they’re owning it, they’re getting new tools, and they’re using those new tools, and things really feel different. It’s not just that we’ve resolved this fight and that we’ve had an understanding. We’re doing things different, and that they are leading in the doing of things different. Not that you’re saying, alright. From now on, we’re gonna have Thursday night date night and whatever whatever. They are leaving it and they are doing things different, and they are not blaming you. It’s an energetic feeling when somebody shows up different. And what I wanna say about that too is there is room for error.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:12]:
There is room for error. Sometimes somebody is going to default back into their older behavior because that’s their default patterning. Because they’ve had that same behavior for 30 years, 50 years, whatever it is. So, sure, somebody can make a mistake. It’s not that. You have to shut it down the second a mistake was made. But it’s so that they can come back from that and say, wow. I went right into my default pattern of criticizing you.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:43]:
I went right into my default position of blaming you. I was suddenly totally defensive, and I started doing that again. They own that. Now there’s some debate. Can you tell them that? Yeah. Yeah. I will still tell my husband. I made him these little cards the other day, like, as a reminder.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:07]:
Like, I’m tired of reminding you of this. Keep this and remind yourself. And, yeah, there are times I’ll say, you are falling into your old patterns. You are being defensive. You are being aggressive. Whatever it is. But how much do you want to remind, and how much do you want to own their experience? That’s the question. Because there’s a difference between giving somebody grace for having a bad day and for going to their default behavior, and reminding them and moving on and having that owned and acknowledged, that can be healthy.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:46]:
I’m helping you. You’re helping me. What is not healthy is when you take that on, and then when it becomes your burden and your responsibility, and you have to manage their healing, and you have to manage their new behavior. And you have to remind them that you’re defaulting back, and then you have to remind that’s not okay. And that line is a little bit different for everybody, and it’s a little bit different for every situation too. But that’s what I really just want you to be aware of. The key indicators are that they are very different and that they are owning it. And, also, that they are pushing you to be better in your own way too so you can meet their needs.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:26]:
And this is something that sometimes people don’t wanna hear. But you’re not perfect, and I’m not perfect. And while we did not cause our partner’s affair, there is always room for growth in a relationship. And if my husband’s needs were not getting met, he is entitled to ask me to meet those needs. And if your partner’s needs are not getting met, they are entitled to reach out to you and to tell you what they need so you can better meet their needs too. It is a two way street, and it’s very healthy when your partner is actually asking you to meet their needs in a respectful, constructive way. Just as you need them to do things different, oftentimes, they need you to do things different too. And if they need nothing new from you, that’s not really a change.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:25]:
Because that’s saying everything was fine the way it was before, but we know it wasn’t. This is what I need now. What do you need now? How can I show up for you differently now? And if they’re asking you something that you don’t wanna give, that’s fine too. That’s information that you might need to help determine, you know what? I don’t wanna go forward in this relationship. That’s really not what I wanna give someone. So how are they showing up differently? They’re asking things of you too in a different healthy way. The 6th question that I’ve got was how do you get over the feeling that something bad is going to happen? This ties back to several of the other questions as well. First of all, you don’t really wanna get rid of the feeling.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:29]:
You do wanna honor your intuition. If your intuition is telling you that something is wrong or something is off, please listen to that. And if you have that feeling that something bad is going to happen, honor it. Honor it. Ask it, what is it trying to tell me? Feeling, what are you trying to tell me? What is my fear? What would I do if that worst fear was realized? What if I find out more? What if I’m being played? One of the best ways actually to manage fear is to lean into that fear. Just like I was saying earlier with that acceptance and not pushing against it. Sometimes pushing against that fear, I don’t wanna feel like something’s gonna happen. I don’t wanna be paranoid.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:27]:
I don’t wanna just increases those feelings of paranoia and like something bad is gonna happen. So lean into that and ask, what is the bad thing that’s gonna happen? I will find out there was more. I will find out I was played. I will feel like a fool. I’m afraid other people will think that I’m a fool. Lean into that and ask yourself those questions. And then when you have got those questions, then you can start answering those questions for yourself. So I’m afraid there’s more.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:07]:
Okay. How can I take care of myself if there is more? How can I take care of myself if there is more? What are some things that I could do right now to better take care of myself if I learn there’s more? What is the fear that he’ll cheat again? Okay. What happens if he cheats again? What is the plan in place this time? What is the plan in place this time? Hard boundary. What is the plan in place this time? For me, done. Do not pass go. Do not collect a $100. Hard no. Hard done.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:53]:
It could be different for you, and that doesn’t matter. But knowing, what can you do to protect yourself? So if it’s a done deal and it’s a hard no, what are the things that you might need in place? Do you need an attorney who you maybe have met before? Do you need to keep track of your finances? Do you need a credit card in your own name or a bank account in your own name? Do you need to start reeducating now or finding a different job? What do you need to start preparing? Not that you’re preparing for it to happen, but it’s what can you do to keep yourself safe in case that happens. Walk yourself through those questions, and then ask what you can do to better protect and prepare yourself. And then just like we were talking about with some of these other things, sometimes it’s just a habit. Sometimes it’s your intuition, and it’s your intuition telling you, you know what? Be aware something is coming. Sometimes it is your wiser higher self saying, you can be better prepared. Take these steps and be better prepared. That way, in case anything happens, you’re on it.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:10]:
You are protected. You are safe, and you are on it. And then sometimes, it’s just a habit. And again, different ways to break a habit. I’ve mentioned the little rubber band snapping. I’ve mentioned several different things. Go on a walk. Call a friend.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:30]:
Call your coach, call a counselor, do something different. When I was doing just general hypnotherapy, I would see people, obviously, not obviously, maybe obviously, the two biggest reasons that people would come to me just as a hypnotherapist before I was Infidelity specific were stopping smoking and weight loss. And for both of those, one of the ways to interrupt that habitual pattern is to take a Tic Tac and to put the Tic Tac in your mouth and to focus on eating it without chewing it. Because it takes kind of a long time for that Tic Tac to completely melt away. So you’re focused on it cognitively, you’re tasting it, you’re smelling it, you’re playing with it with your mouth, and you’re very distracted. And then the amount of time that it takes to pop that Tic Tac and let it dissolve without crunching it, you’ve got the opportunity to reclaim your brain, to interrupt yourself. I’m not going down this. To ask yourself, is this realistic? Is this really gonna happen? If it is, how can I protect myself? If not, again, how can I protect myself? But then what else can I start thinking about then? What else could I start doing instead? And if this is realistic, because that’s the thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:03]:
If your wise inner self is trying to give you a message, you know what? This is way too likely that it’s gonna happen again. What are some other things I can do then? How much am I willing to give? Chewing not chewing the Tic Tac, just letting it dissolve gives you all of that time to ponder. And I just wanna end with, sometimes the answer we get is not the answer that we want. Looking through these questions, how do you get over the fact that some hurdles are too big and we just don’t want to accept it, and we don’t wanna integrate it, so the best thing to do is move on. Might not be the answer that you want. How do you stop bringing it up and seeking more information? What are the different stages to expect for yourself? What are the different stages to expect from the cheater? Are there any key indicators that he’s really changing? And how do you, again, get over get over that feeling going back to the first? It’s not getting over. It’s integrating it. There’s a difference between getting the answer that you quote want and getting the answer that you don’t want.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:20]:
And sometimes when we’re at a sticking spot, it’s because it’s an answer that we don’t want. And I just want you to feel into that. Like, how do you get over the feeling that something bad is gonna happen? You don’t get over it. You integrate it. You live with a new level of awareness. You’ve had a fall from innocence. This has happened to you. This has happened.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:51]:
You don’t just get over this fear that it’s gonna happen again. You integrate and you learn to live with that fear. You integrate it. You accept it. And you accept that potential that it could happen again. You accept the potential that it could happen again. And I mean that not in a defeatist way, but in a way that it could happen again, whether it’s this relationship or another relationship. Now the blinders are off and it can happen again.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:32]:
It’s like after the pandemic, we all know, wow. This could happen again. After 911, wow. This could happen again. After any of these unprecedented events, we have to live with that reality that this could happen again. And it’s accepting it, and it’s bringing it into us even when we don’t like the answer. I don’t like the answer. I don’t like the thought that it can happen again, but I have that awareness that it can happen again.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:05]:
So it’s not pushing against it. It’s accepting it. And then choosing what to do next. And that’s the most important piece. It’s that and choosing what to do next. And the truth of the matter is sometimes you don’t like what you need to do next, but you know you need to do it. And, again, that goes to acceptance. I have to accept that I’m breaking up my family even though I don’t want to.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:35]:
I have to accept that I’m gonna have to move out even though I don’t want to. I have to accept whatever it is even though I don’t want to. And one of my favorite phrases wording comes from EFT tapping. Even though I, whatever it is, I still unconditionally love and accept myself. Even though I am afraid this is gonna happen again, I still unconditionally love and accept myself. Or even though I am afraid this is gonna happen again, I still trust myself to deal with it unconditionally. Even though I keep condemning my husband and fighting and bringing it up, I still honor and give myself grace and space. For any of these questions, try that line of questioning.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:42]:
Even though I feel, even though I am afraid, even though I keep badgering. And then follow it up with, I still unconditionally love and accept myself. Thank you for your questions. Once again, go to the Facebook group, Affair Recovery for Women, flourish after infidelity. Join our community. Get your questions answered, and let me walk by your side through this journey. I am 6 years out, and what I needed most was really somebody just by my side to help guide me along the way, to help me know that I wasn’t crazy, to not always be, like, working and unpacking and uncovering, but just to hold me and to support me and to be there. And that’s what I am for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:44]:
That’s what I am for my clients. So whether you just show up in the group occasionally, whether you’re there every day, whether you do something small, like my 90 day program that you just do completely on your own, or whether you’re all the way into my premium package, which is 6 months of me by your side and in your ear, pretty much 247. You pick how much support you want. You pick how much support you need. But my ask for you is to please love yourself enough. Honor yourself enough to get support, and to get the support that you need and deserve. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to FLAUNT exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

Narrator [00:57:43]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.