Finding our about your partner’s infidelity is bad enough, but with taboo topics such as this there is often an added layer of concern. What if you tell and people cut you and your partner off? What if people blame you? What if you don’t do what others “expect” and they are mad? This show navigates some of the considerations around who to tell, why, and how.
- Preparing to share the truth about infidelity is crucial for success. Sandwich the information between an introductory statement such as, “I have something shocking and sad to share with you…” and stating your desired end of the story. This sets the stage for the conversation and prepares the listener for both the information they are about to receive and what you want from them in the sharing of this information.
- Seek support and understanding for yourself rather than revenge or public embarrassment for another. Gossipy, negative energy will always come back to bite you, and it’s important to remember that your goal is your own healing.
- Communicate clearly about the type of support needed and set boundaries for the kind of feedback one desires. Infidelity is hard for anyone to process. Keep yourself safe by asking for exactly what you need.
- Choose the right people to confide in and create a support system with individuals whose perspectives align with your desired path for a brighter, empowered future.
Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again. Learn More & Apply Here! www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com
Author, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle help women rebuild their identity and self-worth so they can find the courage to claim what’s possible on the other side of betrayal.
Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!
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You’re listening to FLAUNT!!!!!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:
Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!!!!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle. And today, We are going to talk about who to tell, how to tell, and why to tell Because like so many things, once you share this information about your partner’s infidelity, you can’t Unshare it. And once you share it, things will change, and there definitely is a balance to strike Between honesty, radical honesty, and as you know, if you’ve been listening to the show, I really am a fan of honesty, But also of dignity, also of just preventing layers of pain. So that’s what we are going to talk about today, how to tell, who to tell, and why We should really tell about our partner’s infidelity. I also wanna talk a little bit about whose story it is to tell. So with that, hang on and prepare for a really thought provoking and helpful show.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:49]:
But before we would do that, I want to welcome you. Welcome to my show. I am equal parts glad that you were here and really, really sad that you are here. Infidelity is something that happens to far too many of us. And because of a lot of the stigma and shame around it, It’s one of those things that many of us don’t readily talk about. And while I do understand why nobody Nobody wants to say it. Nobody wants to even think about it. It’s also something that When we are honest, when we can connect from the heart, when we can share the truth of what happened And how it feels and what we’re doing to move forward and how we are moving forward, not only does it help us, But it really helps everybody around us as well.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:50]:
It helps infidelity become something that is not Shameful and hidden, but something that, in truth, happens far more often than anybody cares to admit. And it also helps us possibly Prevent it from happening because it’s not such a taboo subject. But I think even more importantly, it helps us know how to heal. It helps us see that there is a path forward, that there is a healthy path forward. There’s definitely the bitter, hateful, Full aggressive blah. My life is ruined path forward. But more importantly, there is the healthy path forward. And it’s not until we talk about it and share our journey and our stories that other people then can be like, oh, This is how we do it.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:44]:
This is the path. I understand that now, and that’s something that I hear from the women that I coach so often. You know, they’ll say, I see you, Lora. I see what you went through. I see what you did, and I see where you’re at now. And because of that, I know where I want to be. I know what’s possible for me. It’s kind of like why representation matters.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:12]:
Representation matters because it allows us to see ourselves in a different circumstance. And that’s really my mission in doing what I do. It’s to help women everywhere See themselves in a different circumstance, see themselves on the other side of this journey. Because I really didn’t have a lot of great role models when I was going through it, and that is truly my mission is to provide as many Positive role models and experiences as possible because we all want something that’s slightly different, And we can all get there. It’s just a matter of figuring out how. So thank you for being here. Welcome. I’m really, really glad you’re here, and like I said, I’m also really sad that you were here.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:10]:
I will say a little bit more about the transformation that I really passionately want women to have. I’ll say that a little bit later because I wanna roll right into the content here of who to tell, How to tell? Should we tell? Why to tell? Okay. The big lead in was around the stigma, Around the shame of infidelity and how it is so hard to tell. And I wanna begin by saying truth is important. It’s never advisable to stuff something down, to keep something in, To create more untruths, to lie. It’s never advisable to do that. It’s healthier to speak your truth because oftentimes when we keep something in, it festers. It literally festers.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:12]:
It grows, and it can create illness. It can create aches, pains physically, as well as mentally or emotionally or spiritually because we are living an untruth. And all of my work is around revealing our truth, uncovering the truth, getting to the bottom of things, and anchoring into your own truth. So it is really important to tell, but the key is telling the right person in the right way. So let’s talk about that, the right person in the right way. When you drop this bomb, when you tell somebody else, Although they are not as shocked as you are, as although they are not as devastated as you are because it’s not their partner that you’re talking about, It’s a shock. It’s devastating. And the truth of the matter is They need time to process it because they are being hit with information that, Hopefully, probably, they didn’t know.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:30]:
But think back to some of that shock that you felt. Yes. It’s smaller than that, but they’re still feeling a sense of shock because their world is changing too. The person that they thought your partner was is no longer who they are. Your relationship, the solidity of your relationship might not be what they thought it was, And then all of their own fears and judgment start coming in. So their worldview has to change. When you find out your friend’s partner has cheated or your family member’s partner has cheated, your worldview has to change too. And it’s that changing worldview that is the most difficult when you find out about the betrayal because everything has to shift.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:23]:
But that has to happen for the person that you tell too. Yes. It’s smaller, but their worldview shifts. And then they also go into defensive mode, Protective mode. Because if it happened to you and they love you and they see you as a worthy person, Then, oh my god. It can happen to them too. So there’s layers of shock that the person you were telling is going to go through. And because of these layers of shock, worldview, not what I thought, and, Oh my gosh.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:01]:
If it happened to her, it can happen to me. If it happened to them, it can happen to us. All of that is coming in, and they’re probably not going to react The way that you were hoping or wanting them to react in that moment because of the shock, Because of all of this that is going on and raising up in their mind, Then if they have ever had a partner cheat on them before, whether it was a boyfriend in college Or a partner in high school or something in their marriage, that’s all gonna come up too, Especially if they haven’t dealt with it healthily. If they haven’t talked about it truthfully, then all of this is going to come up, and it’s gonna be like ripping the Band Aid off of an unhealed wound instead of off a healed wound. And when that comes up, you don’t know what you’re gonna get. So that’s the first thing I want you to be aware of. Whenever you tell somebody else, their reaction is probably not going to be exactly what you thought it was, And that is okay because everybody owns their own reaction, but what I want you to know is it’s not about you. When you tell someone they have a bad reaction, it’s not about you.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:29]:
It is about them. And as unfair as this sounds, When you tell somebody else before you tell somebody else, you really have to dig deep and figure out if you’re in a space To hold space for their shock and for their grief and for their rage and for their anger and for their bad emotions. And that’s a big burden on you because not only are you processing the fact that somebody cheated on you, but now In seeking help and telling somebody else, now you have to assure that you were strong enough to hold space for all of their trauma and grief and rage? Yeah. Sadly, you are. And that’s why it’s important to ascertain beforehand. Am I in a good space to tell? Is this person in a good space to receive? Because oftentimes, telling can go poorly, and the reason it can go poorly is just because people can’t handle themselves. People can’t handle the shock. So when you’re telling somebody, first of all, figure out if you were in a space to handle them.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:50]:
Ways to get around that. You can prep people. I often recommend Prepping people. Don’t just drop the bomb on them. Let them know I am about to drop a bomb on you. I am physically healthy. I am going to be okay. I am thinking about working it out.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:16]:
I am already on my way out the door. Preface what you are going to tell people with a little bit of information about the end of the story So they can see the big picture journey. You’re telling them, okay. I’m okay, and I’m working it out with my partner. I’m okay, and I’m going to file for divorce. I’m okay, and I’m not sure what I want, So I want you to refrain from saying anything about my relationship, and all I want is support from you. Whatever it is that you want, tell them the end of the story. Preface, I’m going to drop a big bomb on you that’s going to be very difficult for you to hear, and this is where I’m at right now.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:09]:
Preface and then ending. You’re creating a little sandwich. You’re giving them the bread first so they know a sandwich is about to be created. Here’s the beginning of the story, And here is the end of the story, and I already know that I’m not gonna like this story much. Soften, wait, And then give them the rest of the truth. Give them the rest of the story. And it’s also good to give them the rest of the story slowly and calmly. Again, this is a big ask of you.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:50]:
You’re the one that’s been traumatized. You are the one that’s in the middle of this. But when you tell people you are telling them because you want them to know, You need their support. You need their understanding. You need them to be on your side. You need them to have your back through this. So it behooves you to tell them in a way that they can integrate the in information more healthily, more quickly So they can show up for you. We’re gonna come back to this, but I said something that I want To, pinpoint, point out, go deeper on.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:36]:
Why are you telling them? I said to them, you’re telling them because. Why are you telling them? You are telling them this information because. Ask yourself that. Why am I telling them this? Because the best reasons are Because I need support. Because I need somebody on my on my side, in my corner. Because this is a person that we might have contact with, whether it’s at work or at home or in the neighborhood or with the kids, And I need help creating space around me. I don’t need the other woman coming up to me at parent teacher conferences. I don’t need to be put on a project with this person at work.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:27]:
You’re telling other people because you need help from them. You need support from them, whether it’s physically doing something like not putting you on a project with somebody Or whether it’s emotionally talking to you and holding space for you and giving you a place to grieve and giving you perspective And affirming how much they love you, you are telling them because you need something from them. When you need something from somebody, they need to be at their best. So even though it’s harder on you in the short run, doing all this work preparing to tell them and holding space for them, In the long run, you will get your needs met more quickly and more easily if you have done this work to prepare. And along those lines, if you are asking yourself, why am I telling this person? I am telling this person because And it’s a vengeful reason or if it’s an embarrassing reason or if it’s you want to get at somebody for something, Then consider waiting. I’m not saying that you can’t. I’m not saying that you won’t. All I’m saying is consider.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:52]:
Consider waiting, Because vengeance can be a good idea. Intentionally embarrassing your partner could be a good idea. All I’m saying is just wait, because these are things that you can’t go back on. Even if the words that come out in your brain are because they need to know, Challenge yourself a little bit. Why? Why do they need to know? Do they really need to know? They might. It might be wildly uncomfortable. It might put a horrible light on your partner, and it might be imperative that somebody needs to know, And it might not be. And that’s all I’m saying is wait.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:45]:
It could be waiting 5 breaths. It could be waiting 5 days. It could be waiting 5 months. Just wait until you are certain. Because like I said at the in the intro, you can’t go back. You can’t put the cat back in the bag on this one. And that means not only considering how it will impact your partner, but how it will impact yourself as well. Because we all know people who truly do love and support us, who are realistic, who have open minds, and we also know those people who are just mean and nasty and judgmental, And you have very narrow minds.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:35]:
And sometimes, yes, we think somebody will love us through something, and then we’re devastated to find out that they won’t or that they can’t. And guess what? Then you’ve got a double betrayal going on, Because now you have somebody that you thought was your support system betraying you by not showing up for you in the way that you need them to show up For you. So be careful. Yeah. Some people can surprise you. Some people can show up And be better, but we all know those people who are kind of on the fringe on the border who we’re not quite sure about. Do yourself a favor and just steer clear of them, at least for now. Because the name of the game in a fair recovery is taking care of yourself.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:27]:
It’s learning how to be wise enough to navigate all these difficult situations. It’s learning how to radically Grow up and be an adult and manage everything. And part of that is holding your tongue In certain situations and speaking your truth in others. And that’s what we’re gonna kinda push into next is speaking your radical truth. If you’re going to tell the truth, it does need to be A radical truth, not a half truth, but a very radical truth. And here’s why. Truth has a funny way of getting out. Lies have a funny way of being revealed.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:17]:
And when you decide to speak of this, speak from a place of integrity. Speak from a place of your truth and speak about it honestly. Because otherwise, first of all, it will come back to bite you in all of these different ways where you’ll go, are you kidding me? But second, healthy betrayal recovery is about uncovering the truth. And how can you expect to get the truth from your partner if you are not speaking the truth? Now is truly the time for all of you to put all of your cards onto the table To step up into a new level of honesty And to start dealing with what is and the radical acceptance of what is Instead of what you wish it could have been. Now by this, I don’t mean you need to tell everybody every little juicy detail, But what you decide to reveal needs to be honest. And if there is something that you don’t want to reveal either now or forever, please speak that too By saying to somebody, although there is more, there are certain things I or we have decided to keep it private between us as a couple. So please know it’s worse Then you might imagine. There is more than I’m sharing.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:05]:
I’m sharing the highlights. This is the highlight tour. Please respect that the details will be kept between me and my partner, or the details will be kept within my heart. But just so you know, so you can better hold space for me, Please know that there is more, but that I will not be sharing those details or divulging those details right now because it is way too painful and way too private. That way people know exactly where you are, and they won’t be spinning all of these tails because that’s the thing. Everybody wants to help. Everybody wants to solve the problems. And if you tell somebody, when you tell somebody, and I do hope that you share this information so you can get the love and support that you need, people will try to solve your problem.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:59]:
That’s human nature. That’s human behavior, especially if they love you and if they care about you. But the way people solve problems and the solutions that they have aren’t always in line with what you want or what you need, Especially if somebody’s had a bad experience or especially If somebody has made a choice and has gone down a path and then they haven’t really liked it and they’ve regretted it, Then they’re going to try to get you to do the same thing that they did to make themselves feel better. That’s a big one. If somebody did something and they regret it, and then you were in the same circumstance or situation, Oftentimes, it’s the subconscious drive to get you to make the same bad decision that they did so they’re not so alone in their own bad decisions. So they feel better about themselves. And I know that feels backwards, but that’s a human characteristic. That’s something that we all do.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:04]:
Even think about it in terms of food. If you mess up your I’m not gonna eat sugar right now because I know it’s not healthy for me. If you mess up and eat a doughnut at a staff meeting And then somebody else comes in and says, oh my gosh. I swore off sugar because it’s the holidays, and I’m eating so much extra sugar. Chances are you’re not going to say, be strong then. You don’t need that donut. You don’t want that donut. If you really want it in an hour, it’ll still be here.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:33]:
Just grab a cup of tea and breathe through the craving. You’re probably gonna say, oh my gosh. I know. I made the same promise to myself. It’s so hard to stop eating candy. Go ahead and grab 1. It’s not gonna hurt. I’ve been there too where I’ll just grab it.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:50]:
It’s yummy. We affirm each other’s poor choices Because it builds us up and makes us okay for making the same poor choices. I know it’s silly, but it’s human behavior. So sometimes when somebody that you have told really has a strong opinion, like him. Wake him for all his worth. Break him over the coals. Revenge cheat. You just get out there and you find anybody and you show him how it feels.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:22]:
It’s a clue that they’ve done that thing that they’re recommending that you do, And that they regret it and that they want you to to be brought into their regret club So then you 2 can share on that and be like, oh my gosh. Do you believe we did that? Unless somebody is saying to you, Said nobody ever. You know what? I went out, and I revenge cheated, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel so calm, and I feel so clear, and I feel so empowered. And my partner said, oh my gosh. No. I know exactly how you feel. And And then we were both battered and bloody and broken and bruised, and we went through this recovery, and it was amazing.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:14]:
And we each learned so much. That doesn’t happen unless somebody is telling you something that truly did help. Why would you really wanna follow that advice? As for staying with your partner or leaving your partner and telling people, That’s a fear response when people say, lead him. Get out of there. What they’re really saying is first, I love you and I care about you. But they’re saying, stop this. I I can’t hear about it anymore. This is too painful for me.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:51]:
I don’t want you to hurt either, but it’s also too painful for me, so get him out of here. And it also just shows their judgments as well. So that’s why I recommend telling people the end of the story Before you tell them the first of the story, I’m thinking about staying. We are doing couples counseling. I’ve got a coach, and we are prepared to dive in deep and work through this. Tell them the end of the story so their bad ideas Don’t come out and impact you. In a sense, you’re putting a rail around the kind of feedback you want from them. And speaking of a rail, that’s kind of a more passive way to do it by telling them the end of the story first because, hopefully, they’ll have the social awareness to be like, Oh, if she just told me they’re working through it, then I better not encourage her to leave because she probably doesn’t need that.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:50]:
But another way to do that is by actually giving them the bounds, by giving them the rails. I’m going to tell you something that you’re not gonna wanna hear, Preface so they can prepare. This is where I’m at so they know where you’re leaning and which direction you’re going, and then tell them what I need from you is. What I need from you is Support, understanding, a soft place to land, connection, friendship, Clarity, perspective. Someone to rile me up and make me angry so I do leave. Someone to hold me accountable to whatever it is that I’m feeling. You get to pick because this is your story and this is your situation, and you get to pick what you need from other people. Big moral of this whole episode, this is your story.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:44]:
This is your situation. You get to pick from what you hear from other people. So tell them what you need. Tell them what you need. And then once you have told somebody what you need, it’s easier to go back if they start going off the rails and say, Thank you for that, but I really don’t need to hear that right now. Right now, I need positivity. Right now, I need cheerleading. Right now, I need pumping up.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:15]:
I don’t need that right now. Or right now, I really need someone to play devil’s advocate with me. Right now, I need somebody to challenge me. Tell people what you need. Another big tip is you can text somebody or email them slowly. It’s your version of TrueAccle Truth. I have something to tell you. Is there a time we can meet for lunch? This is something that’s going to be hard for you to hear.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:48]:
It doesn’t impact you. I am ultimately going to be okay, although it’s really emotionally painful for me right now. Send them a text. Send them an email. Next text, next email. Please know that I am considering whatever it is you’re considering, and this is what I need from you. That way they have time to sit with it and ponder it so the shock is less. So, yes, verbally, text, or email, those same steps, those same boundaries.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:21]:
Okay. Here’s the other thing that I wanna talk about in terms of telling because we’ve spent almost half the show talking about How to tell and why to tell? Because, yeah, you can tell the wrong person. And when you tell the wrong person, it’s awful Because they will either betray you, and now you’re dealing with this pain of betrayal, or they’re going to negatively impact you. It’s like peer pressure, And you’re hanging with the wrong group. And hanging with the wrong group and hanging with the right group matters Because I want you to hang with the people who you want to emulate. Look at the people who have been through an affair. Do you want to be like them? Do you want to be angry? Do you want to be bitter? Do you want to be a man hater? Do you want to believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? Do you wanna believe that? Because if that’s what you want to believe, then hang out with the people that say that. And if you’re like, no, I think human behavior is way more complex than that.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:20]:
I think things like trauma have a big impact. I believe in human frailty. I believe in confusion. I believe in all these different things, then hang out with the people who believe what you believe. And that is a bottom line truth. Hang out with the people that you want to be like because we become Like, the 10 people that we spend the most time with. And that’s actually a scientific study, and people talk about it a lot in the business world. If you wanna be wildly successful in the entrepreneurial space, hang out with people who have built businesses Like the kind of business you’re trying to build.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:03]:
Don’t hang out with people who can’t get it right. Don’t hang out with people who are struggling. We become the people we are around. Think about that in terms of anything. If you are hanging out with liberal Democrats or conservative Republicans, and those are the people you spend your time with, You hear the rhetoric, you hear the arguments, and pretty soon it all starts making sense to you. And pretty soon you become more and more like them. Same thing with religion. If you hang out with people who are devout in any kind of religion and those are the 10 people you spend your most of your time with, That is a religion you will end up adopting because you start hearing things and you start understanding things and you start believing things.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:55]:
It’s not that we’re weak. It’s that we start understanding and really knowing those people and their perspective and why it makes sense. And the same is true for a fair recovery. Hang out with the people who are where you want to be. Hang out with the people who have created this Extraordinary life, this deep, beautiful connection, who have a better relationship than they’ve ever had before or who have separated with integrity, who have divorced well. Hang out with the people who you want to be like. Now it doesn’t have to be totally specific that, like, okay. I can’t hang out with these people Because they’re together, and I just wanna have a beautiful divorce that is in integrity.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:45]:
It’s the energy. Hang out with the people who have integrity. Hang out with the people who have positivity. Hang out with the people who have perspective. You can all have slightly different decisions. Like, if you’re hanging with a group of business entrepreneurs and you’re selling diapers, you don’t have to hang out only with people who are selling diapers. You can hang out with people who are selling all different things, but who are all successful. And that’s why when I work with people, I say it doesn’t matter if you choose to Stay if you choose to go or if you’re not sure and you wanna give it a chance.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:22]:
My energy, my integrity is around really knowing yourself, being true to yourself, Refusing to betray yourself ever again and moving forward forward with a decision that is in alignment with who you are and what you want and who you wish to be. Many of my people create beautiful, loving relationships going forward, And many of my people also have happy, healthy divorces because they know I can no longer tolerate this kind of a relationship, And my partner is not willing to rise to the heights that I need to go in order to live the rest of my life the way I want to live my life. So seek out those people who are where you want to be. Now back to telling people, off my soapbox for a minute there, but it’s important and really important, and I didn’t wanna lose that. One of my favorite phrases is, do they have a privilege to know? When you’re deciding to tell people or not to tell people, Ask yourself, do they have the privilege of knowing? The privilege of knowing. Do they have the privilege of knowing this information? Because some people have earned that privilege and that right, and other people haven’t. It might be a work situation. It doesn’t matter if.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:01]:
It’s because the affair partner is at work. Does your partner’s boss? Does your partner’s coworker? Does your partner’s business partner? Do they need to know That they are going through something with the spouse that they just cheated on? Does your boss, do your coworkers, do your employees need to know that you have just been cheated on? Who has that privilege? Certain people will need to know. When we were going through this, my husband and I spent an inordinate amount of time On the phone, talking, texting, emailing. He told them at work They needed to know. They had the privilege of knowing, not everybody, but his immediate boss, His admin and a couple of close coworkers that he worked intimately with, He told them, I’m going through this. I have made some horrible choices in my marriage, and my wife and I are trying to repair. And I am very distracted right now, and I am very emotional right now. And please know when I close my door And you might hear crying coming out that you probably do, and I’m okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:28]:
We’re just going through a lot. They have the privilege of knowing because they are in that inner circle. They will see his red eyes. They might hear crying. They will sense that he is distracted. The they have the privilege of knowing because they’re trying to work together. Some of the people he told the full d details to and others he didn’t, but they have The privilege of knowing that something is up, again, so they can create some bounds around him. There were people in my life also that had the privilege of knowing.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:07]:
The people that I needed to support me, the people that I was working with, my clients at the time. Because before I did betrayal recovery coaching, I did burnout, health, wellness, and burnout coaching for women. How do you think I could show up as a coach when I was going through this? Sometimes very well and sometimes Not very well. So I told the people that I was working with, the people that I had these intimate connected relationships, I am here for you. I am here to guide and lead and love on you and support you. And I’m also going through a deeply personal, deeply Painful circumstance. And there might be times when I will need to ask for grace and space, And I’m hoping you can give that to me. Do the people you’re telling have the privilege of knowing? Ask yourself that question.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:11]:
And unless the answer is, yeah, they really do, they have been through, they have supported us, then consider not sharing the information with them. Because if they don’t have the privilege of knowing, then it leans more towards gossip. And the thing is gossip is never healthy. Gossip doesn’t heal. Gossip doesn’t help. And the last thing you need is rumors flying around And people talking behind your back because, yeah, this is juicy stuff, man. The reason there’s so many cheating story lines in books and movies and TV shows is because it’s juicy, Because it’s taboo because we’re not comfortable talking about it, which does make it fodder for gossip. And you need to protect yourself because like I said at the beginning, this is all about you.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:05]:
You’re telling people why, because you want support. Why? Because you need love. Why? Because you need somebody running interference with you. Becoming the gossip or having the the fodder of gossip, the subject of gossip, is not really comfortable ever. So when you can discern whether or not somebody has the privilege to know, it helps prevent that. So now you know how to tell somebody. You know how to tell them by prepping them with you’re about to hear something you don’t want by sandwiching the back end of that with, and this is where I’m headed right now, Or maybe even a more clear boundary, so only tell me. So this is what I’m wanting from you.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:56]:
And then by making sure you were in emotion in an emotionally enough place to handle their painful reaction right there in the moment. It’s not up for you it’s not up to you to handle their painful reaction going forward. And here are some words that you can use. I’m really big at giving people words. That’s one of the things that I do a lot in coaching is I help my people find the right words Because it’s so common that we get tangled up, and we’re like, how do I even say this? And then we start saying all these things, and then we just trigger the other person, and then we’re like, why did I push the other person away, and why did I trigger them? Well, it’s because of the words, so let me help you find the right words. I’m really good at uncovering the truth, getting to the heart of the matter. Let me help you find those right words. This is one of those circumstances where I can help you find the words.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:42]:
Things are going wrong. You share with your sister. You tell them exactly what happened, what you need, and now your sister can’t process it. And now she keeps coming to you with her her her sadness, her shock, her rage, her story about her high school boyfriend, Her story about the partner who blah blah blah. The story and she is processing all this stuff. Some words that you can use to help her are, thank you for sharing that, and Not thank you for sharing that, but thank you for sharing that. And what I need you to know is, Thank you. You’ve thanked her.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:25]:
She’s opened her heart, and you’re telling her something that she needs to know. Thank you for sharing that. And what I need you to know is, Right now, I don’t have the space to process that. Right now, I have a lot going on. Right now, I need someone for me. And right now, I can’t be here for you. Right now, I need someone for me, and I can’t be here for you in that way right now. Because, oh my god, I can’t tell you how many people I have had that will come to me and be like, oh my god.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:04]:
Let me tell you about the time when, and it makes it about them. This is about me. And again, those are some really great words. Thank you for sharing. And right now, I need this to be about me. We can talk about you later, but right now, I’m going through a lot, and right now, I need this to be about me. Right now, I can’t even keep myself together, and it feels like I’m being flooded. Right now, this is about me.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:36]:
So those are my best tips on how to tell somebody by sandwiching it. Why? By asking yourself, what do I need from them? Why am I telling them? I’m telling them because I need, versus I’m telling them because I wanna embarrass the heck out of my and I wanna disparage their name. I’m gonna come back to that one. And you’re telling people that have a privilege to know. And how I wanna wrap up is talking about When you wanna tell because you want to trash them and drag them through the mud and embarrass them and ruin their reputation and all that stuff. Oh my god. I get it. Like, I get it.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:18]:
And here’s my sweet little reminder on that. Even if you separate, even if you divorce, even if you wanna have nothing to do with your partner, you are still joined with them, And you will still be gossip fodder. And it won’t be about them. It will end up being about you. It won’t end up being about them. It will end up being about you, and here’s why. Energy is powerful. And when you send something out there with mean intent, with bad intentions, with mean spirits, It carries that energy wherever it goes.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:03]:
And that little packet of Truth, even though it’s true. He’s a cheater. He’s awful. He’s a liar. He’s a this. He’s a that. Even though it’s true, It has bad energy. And when something has bad energy, that bad energy is going to grow because it’s a weed.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:20]:
And what’s going to come of it is what did she do? What did she do to deserve somebody like that? And I bet she said, and I bet she did, and I could, I bet She was horrible at home, and I bet he the meanness is going to grow. You are never going to be the Pure, clear one on that. When you put something out there, it that’s mean spirited and with bad energy, it is going to stay mean spirited, and it’s going to have that energy, and it’s going to attract more bad energy, More negativity, more gossip, and it’s going to come back on you. It just is. And I get it. I get wanting to trash someone, but it’s going to hurt you. And I ask you to just sit with that for a moment. Just sit with that.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:19]:
It is going to hurt you and you Don’t need to be hurt. You don’t need to be gossiped about. You don’t need stories told. And the bottom line, you don’t need to be the victim either. Because when you’re talking about somebody and you’re making them a perpetrator and you’re making them mean and evil, by default, you’re making yourself the victim. And although it might be like, oh, I am the victim. You were victimized. You’re not the victim.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:55]:
When you’re victimized, you’re able to reclaim your power. You’re able to move forward. When you are the victim, you stay in victim mode. And you’ve heard if you heard my show on self defense with Chris Natzke, what do perpetrators look for? They look for victims. Perpetrators look for victims. They don’t look for empowered, clear people. Crime of opportunity. Crimes are crimes of opportunity.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:29]:
No perpetrator looks for a difficult target. They look for an easy target. And, yes, we’re talking about, you know, muggings, Theft. We’re even talking about things like rape. People look for an easy target. They don’t look for a difficult target. So when you’re walking around with that victim energy because you’ve made somebody else the villain, You become the victim, and then you’re walking around without victim energy. And what do you attract? More victimization.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:02]:
And then it feeds your worldview that the world is not fair and that people are out to get me and that no matter what I do, why does this keep happening to me? And it’s okay to be in that spiral for a while. We’re all in that spiral for a while. We’re in and out of that spiral many times in our lives. But just be aware that that’s not the spiral you probably wanna live in. I mean, if you wanna live in it, go live in it. But then this is probably not the right show or the right space for you. Because I’m all about, yep, I’m in that victim mode, and now it is time to step out. And now it is time to regain my power, regain my confidence, regain my self of sense of self, and figure out what I want and go for it.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:47]:
When you tell somebody something about your partner, you wouldn’t believe what he did. When you call and report them, and you call and report her, and you spread all of this stuff With hate in your heart, that hate comes right back to you, and you’ve made yourself a victim and you attract more victimization. And then you start that negative spiral drain down, and you wonder why is this happening. It’s not that I’m asking you to keep the negativity or the revenge fantasies only inside your head, but I am asking you to not Act on them yet. Put that qualifying word yet. I’m choosing to not act on them yet Because maybe when you give yourself permission, I can act on them. I just don’t want to yet. Maybe that’s enough.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:40]:
And then it gives you time to process and to ponder and to move that energy through and to learn more truth, To figure out what’s really going on, to uncover the truth, and then make a decision with what you want to do. A A decision in wisdom. So you’re putting out wisdom. So you’re putting out integrity. So what comes back to you is more wisdom and more integrity. Because that’s the thing. When you tell somebody who has the privilege to know because you know the reason why and you speak truth and integrity, Integrity comes back to you. And like I said, this is all about you, And that’s where I want to close out this show.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:25]:
It is all about you. This is really the one time in your life where you hold all the cards and where everything has been swept clean. Infidelity is such an opportunity to create with intention. And when I talk about creating with intention, it starts with you. So often when I first start working with people, when I do the discovery call, they’ll talk to me about what they want their relationship to be like. And it’s like, That is so wonderful, and I want you to keep leaning into what you want that relationship to be like. And I want you to lean into what your marriage is going to be like and what you’re gonna do and how you’re gonna feel And who’s gonna do what in communication and sex and conversation and family? Lean into all of that. But do you know what? The foundation is you.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:24]:
The core is you. A relationship is 2 people at a 100%. It’s not 2 people at 50%. It’s 2 people at a 100% who know themselves, Who aren’t afraid to show themselves, to speak their truth, to people who are interested in living with authenticity and integrity. And that is what I am about. That is what my coaching program is about. It’s about becoming. It’s about becoming solidly yourself so you can create the relationships of your dream, so you can create The life of your dreams.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:09]:
And that’s my final question to you. How do you wanna be? What is the transformation that you want to make? My specialty is helping people feel okay on the inside no matter what’s going on on the outside. Helping them to realize that these decisions that I’m making are the right ones so they can rest in that certainty and that knowledge That, yeah, I am making the right decision. I am okay inside. And taking that 1 step further, That no matter what happens, no matter what anybody else chooses or decides, I still am okay. I have the tools and the skill in that rock solid core of integrity and self worth, then I’m gonna be okay. I might not enjoy going through, but I’m gonna be okay. And that’s the focus, the basis of my coaching is building up that sense of identity, that awareness, that knowledge so people can tame The crazy obsessive thoughts.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:28]:
So people will have clarity about the decision they’re making. So they have the courage and the confidence to take the action to back up that decision. So they can find that perfect alignment between heart and head and soul and spirit and move forward In integrity. And that’s what I want most for you. I want you To have the ability to be okay inside no matter what happens around you. I want you to know That you’ve got this, and that you can access that internal wisdom And guidance that will lead you exactly where you want to be. I would love to have a conversation with you. Reach out, affairrecoveryforwomen.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:31]:
That’s www.affairrecoveryforwomen.com. Scroll down, and you can click the button. It’s kind of a teal green button with pink writing that says book a discovery call. That is a free call Where we can connect and we can just have a conversation. We can have a conversation about you and your vision For who and how you want to be at the end of this journey. If there is an alignment between what you want in who I am and what I have done on the backside of this journey. And then we can talk about steps going forward. There’s never any pressure.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:15]:
This is just support. So if you’ve got just a question, hey, I need to figure out how to tell If you’re not clear about what you want, if you just wanna explore and talk with somebody who has been there too, then reach out, And I really, really look forward to our connection. Affairrecoveryforwomen.com. Have an amazing week and always remember to FLAUNT!!!!! exactly who you are because who you are is always more Man enough.
Tune in next time to FLAUNT!!!!!. Find your sparkle and create the life you love after infidelity or betrayal with radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth