anger after infidelity

Let’s talk about anger after infidelity and betrayal. How much is too much? When are you wallowing in anger and when are you justifiably angry? What does it mean when you “bash your partner?” Is it possible to be both positive and forward leaning while also being angry? What about the whole concept of “female anger?” What if you don’t know how to be angry because you spent your whole life being a good girl who kept the peace, smiled, and made nice?

Sit down, grab a cup of tea and let’s talk about anger..

Top take-a-ways
  • What is anger?
  • Understanding the difference between constructive and destructive anger.
  • Why anger is one of the most important stages grief
  • How to process (as opposed to mask, ignore, or vomit) your anger in a way that’s healthy for you and for others.
  • How getting in touch with your anger can move you out of depression and be the first step in healing.
  • Tips for processing your anger.

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About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

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Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

You’re listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Tietle, and today, we are going to talk all about anger Because there is so much to unpack about anger. If you know me, if you’ve been listening to my show, if you were a part of my foot group. If you have done coaching with me, you know that I am a huge proponent of focusing on the future, Of being positive, of being proactive, of being strong, of using this devastation as a catalyst to move forward, to reclaim yourself, to get in touch With who you are and who you are meant to be. If you have been listening to me, you know how passionate I am about turning this devastation into an invitation to fully become who you are. And In the same breath, I am also not a proponent of bypassing anything. There is nothing Worse and truly more devastating in the long run than ignoring anger, Suppressing anger, not feeling anger, not learning how To process our negative emotions.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:02:03]:

Because whether it’s anger or something else, Those emotions are normal and natural, and they’re protective, and they come up for a reason. No emotion in and of itself is good or bad. Being happy isn’t good or bad. Being angry isn’t good or bad. They’re just emotions. Nobody will live their entire life happy and joyful. All emotions are fleeting. All of us are going to feel happy and sad and depressed and energized.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:02:38]:

We’re going to feel the full range of emotions, and we should feel a full range of emotion. The problem happens when we get this idea in our head that we have to be happy, That in order to be healed, we have to be positive and happy all the time, and we suppress our anger or we deny our anger, or we do something to cover it up and pretend that it’s not there. It’s that toxic positivity. Or on the flip side, when we just allow ourselves to wallow, when we allow ourselves to get stuck in a loop, A loop of grief, a loop of shame, a loop of anger, a loop of whatever it is. Life, to a certain extent, is a roller coaster ride because things will happen. We will feel different feelings. The secret to a happy life, however, is learning how to move through and process those dark, negative, Heavy emotions in a way that doesn’t clog up our body, create illness, create injury, Or destroy relationships because we’ve projected our anger and our grief and our depression so much onto other people That they just don’t even wanna be around us anymore. Life is a series of rupture and repair, Of good and of bad, of falling off the horse and getting back on.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:04:18]:

So While I am a huge proponent of focusing on the positive, I think in order to focus on the positive, We have to learn how to process the negative. And that’s why I am so big into somatic movement, somatic processing. If you don’t know what the term somatic means, it just means using the body, and is using the body to process emotions. Think about it like this. Have you ever felt heartbreak? Yes. You have. Have you ever felt the crushing weight of grief? Yes. You probably have.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:04:58]:

It sits on your chest. It gives you a headache. It makes your shoulders and your back tight. Sometimes it makes you vomit Or have diarrhea. It hurts your body. Negative emotions hurt your body. When I first learned about my husband’s infidelity, I vomited, and I literally crumbled On the floor because the physical, emotional, energetic weight impacted me. What do you think it would be like if we held all of that negative energy in our body all the time? Oh my gosh.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:05:41]:

We would have to live on Advil because we would always have to be taking something to help alleviate that physical pain. We would get sick. We would get ill. We would be injured. All of these things have happened. We have to learn how to process With our body, to remove that heaviness, to remove that heartache, to remove that pain, That’s what somatic processing is all about. It’s about taking that emotion and moving it through our body. So, yes, we have to process it intellectually.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:06:21]:

That’s what the show is about. It’s about learning. I am teaching you some things. You’re listening to me, and you’re, like, going, oh, that makes sense. Oh, I didn’t understand that. Oh, I know that. You’re getting the cognitive intellectual information. The other layers are emotional In physical, things like breath work, movement, somatic processing, hypnotherapy, tapping, Sing a coach or a counselor to verbally process.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:06:52]:

Those are ways that you can start processing in different ways. Now the reason this show came to be is because of a comment that came up in the Facebook group about There seem to be a lot of angry women in here. There’s a lot of people that are bashing their partner, and that doesn’t feel positive. What do you think of that? Is this allowed? Here’s my response to that. This whole show is my response to that because It’s compound and it’s complex. And like I just said, we can’t just falsely be positive. Everything’s great. My partner cheated on me, and I’m gonna turn it into something beautiful, and I’m gonna be really happy.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:07:37]:

That’s fake. I am so not all about fake. But like I said earlier, I’m also not about wallowing. I am not about living the rest of my life as a bitter old woman, As an angry human being, as a man hater who distrusts everybody. That’s not me either. So that’s what the show is about. It’s about talking about the fine lines, the edges, about helping you understand anger So you can get in touch with your anger, so you can express it, so you can process it intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually So you can transform on the other side of anger. So you can Be the kind of person that you were born to be so you can create a life you love So you can create the relationships you love and so you can feel good.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:08:39]:

And so that one day, you too can look Back on this journey, and you can say, you know what? It was god awful. That was probably the worst journey I’ve ever been through. I’m gonna cry saying this, but I would not trade the woman I have become for anything Because it was that powerful and it was that transformative, and that is what I want for you. I want you to understand and feel and rage and grieve and then become. So with that, let’s talk about understanding anger. What is anger? Anger is an adaptive response. It’s normal. It’s natural.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:09:28]:

And depending on what kind of anger you have and the way you know how to use it, it can be very healthy. It’s a version of the fight, Flight or freeze nervous system response. When we are angry, we drive other people or things or situations away. It protects us. Being a psycho crazy angry person is a protective response. Our body goes into anger to protect us. If somebody is about to attack You, it’s kind of the fight response. You’re like, you’re gonna out crazy somebody.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:10:10]:

You’re gonna outanger somebody. They’re gonna look at you and be like, I’m not messing with that crazy person. Oh my gosh. It’s an adaptive response that is there to keep you safe. Like I said, no emotion is inherently good or bad. We like to think of anger as being bad. It’s not always bad. It can keep you safe.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:10:34]:

It can keep you safe. If there’s righteous anger, if somebody has done something wrong to you I mean, let’s talk about systemic oppression. I don’t care if it’s for people of color or people of a certain, you know, gender or persuasion or anything like that. Any kind of systemic oppression gets people angry. Their anger is justified. I am justifiably angry If somebody gets paid more than me when we have the same qualifications, the same experience, and are doing the same work, My anger is justified, and that’s my anger that is going to empower me to fight for what’s right. My anger is going to empower me to help create justice and change in the world. Anger is protective, and anger is good.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:11:35]:

We have to, however, Distinguish between constructive anger, which is the kind of anger I’m all about, versus destructive anger Because that’s different. Constructive anger, righteous anger, it empowers You to have difficult conversations, to step out of your comfort zone, to speak truth, To get to the heart of the matter, it’s a catalyst for growth. Growth doesn’t just happen. You need a catalyst to spark that change. This kind of constructive anger gives you Courage. Courage to take action. Courage to lean in, To help create change, it powers you up. And here’s the thing.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:12:35]:

Although it’s very fiery, It’s also calm. This kind of anger helps you process and plan. This is the kind of anger where you pause, where you’re like, you know what? This is radically unfair. And I need to think about this, and I need to do it right, and I need to create a plan. And I might need to do this, that, or the other thing, But I am not gonna let this one go. And that’s the kind of anger I want to support. I want to support that kind of anger that fuels you up and gives you back control. Now before we go into destructive anger, I also wanna talk about anger as one of the stages of grief because that is constructive anger.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:13:30]:

You’ve probably heard about Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the stages of grief. Anger, denial, bargaining, all of those different things. The 2nd stage of grief is anger. Again, it is one of the stages that you will go through. Kind of not optional. The stages of grief are stages of grief for a reason because that’s how us as humans in this physical body Process grief. We don’t just cry and melt. We get angry.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:14:03]:

We get mad. We get even. Grief. One of the stages of grief is anger. When you feel angry, It’s, again, a normal, natural phase of processing grief. When that grief is something that has, like, blindsided you, when you find out That somebody’s been cheating, when somebody dies unexpectedly, when you’ve been totally blindsided by something, That’s when you feel more anger. And the reason why is because anger helps give you control. I’m gonna say this, like, 2 or 3 more times because it’s really important.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:14:54]:

Anger is a control seeking behavior. Anger is a control Seeking behavior because it gives you temporary control over your situation. If somebody is killed unexpectedly, when you find out your partner has been cheating for, in my case, 15 years. You realize how out of control you are. You realize I have no control. I have no control over anybody, anything, even myself. Life can be taken away immediately. People can lie to me.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:15:37]:

I have no control, And it’s terrifying. It is terrifying to think that we live in a world where we literally have no control, And we get angry because anger is the illusion of us having control. Because if we’re mad, we can push other people away. We can push them to take action, and it puts us back and gets us back in touch with our power because Anger is powerful. It’s not, again, necessarily constructive power, but it is power. And if you think about the opposite of this anger, it’s that helplessness. How many times have you felt helpless After finding out about your partner’s infidelity. It’s not a good feeling, is it? I have been on the floor.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:16:32]:

I spent Maybe a month on the floor, like, literally crumbled, emotionally crumbled, crying every Single day where I couldn’t stop. It does not feel good to be helpless. You know you are healing When you get to a phase of anger, you know you are healing when you get to anger, So embrace that. So when I was asked in my Facebook group, do you allow this? Of course, I allow it. It’s better than being depressed. Depression is even lower on the emotion scale. Anger is a step out of that. It’s you getting back in touch with your power.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:17:20]:

So do I allow it? Yes. Do I encourage it? Yes. Get angry. Get good and angry. Find your power and then move through it. We do not encourage you wallowing or staying there or being destructive with it, but I Absolutely encourage you to get in touch with your anger. Because if you don’t, Honest to goodness, it is repressed somehow because it’s not I don’t wanna say it’s not humanly possible, but it’s not humanly possible To not be angry over this. Of course, you’re gonna be angry.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:18:00]:

You’re gonna be rageful over this Because this is a huge betrayal of your heart and your soul and your vows and your relationship and your life and your Physical safety, your emotional safety, whether it’s sexually transmitted diseases or, you know, pregnancies or all of these different things. Like, this is a huge betrayal. You better be angry. At some point, you better be angry. And being angry means you’re on the road road to recovery. Being angry means you are on the road to recovery. So let’s get in touch with that anger, shall we? Let’s let it fuel us to take action. Let’s let it fuel us to be courageous.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:18:54]:

Whether that means I am finally Negotiate therapist. I don’t care how much it costs. I’m gonna negotiate a discount if I don’t have insurance. I’m gonna hire a coach. I’m investing in this Financially, I’m investing in this time wise. I am committing 15 minutes a day to meditate. I am Finally gonna join a gym. I am gonna start going to a class.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:19:17]:

Whatever it is, it’s that thing that pushes you over the edge to finally take action that you know And that you have known all along you need to take, but you just didn’t do it. Because here’s the thing. Here is God’s honest truth again. So many of us say we were blindsided by the affair, and we were. And we also know that there were things in our relationships that needed addressing. And it’s not a blame thing. It’s not that we were negligent and that we didn’t, you know, address things and that we just let things go by that shouldn’t have gone by. And most importantly, it’s not our fault because even though we let things go by that did not cause the affair Did not cause the affair.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:20:08]:

The cheating partner causes the affair by their actions. But at the same time, there’s contributing factors. And how many of you can look back and think, you know what? I wish I would have known to address this. You know what I wish? I wouldn’t have let myself get to that point. You know, I let myself go. I lost touch with myself. I lost touch with who I am. I lost touch with what I value.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:20:37]:

I was just busy and exhausted, and we didn’t have these deep conversations, and we didn’t talk till the end of and get resolution. We just brush stuff under the rug. Because if you’re anything like me in my relationship, I can look back and see all of these different opportunities that I didn’t take. And again, it’s not my fault. It’s just me speaking the truth that I didn’t always speak My truth. It didn’t always take time to resolve things. I just kept moving because life was busy. Busy, I I had kids.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:21:17]:

We had work. Something was going on. And it’s really not until You look back, then you realize how significant that was. And it’s okay to be angry at yourself too Because I’m angry at myself for the things that I didn’t see. I’m angry for the things that I let go of. I’m Angry for the actions that I took, and I’m angry for the actions that I didn’t take. And the point is I’m learning from that. I’m not just saying, oh, well, too bad, so sad.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:21:54]:

I’m learning from it. How can I show up different? How can I stop betraying myself? How can I speak the truth? How can I speak my truth? How can I listen to my partner’s truth? How can I do things differently going forward? And it’s okay to be angry, and it’s good to be angry because that’s what empowers me to make changes. And if you’re not angry, you’re not gonna probably do all of these big, hard things and have difficult conversations. So that’s the power of constructive anger. That’s the power of anger that comes from grief. Anger is beautiful. It lights a fire. It gives us clarity.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:22:41]:

You cut out the BS when you’re angry. When you’re angry, all of these little superfluous things don’t matter because you know what is important, and you know what you want. And it’s not this, maybe, that. Okay. I’ll wait. Never mind. I didn’t want that anyway. It gives you a mission.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:22:59]:

It gives you focus. It gives you a path. It gives you energy. I would love you to start writing down all of the things that your anger gives you. We’ve talked about a few of them. It gives you protection. It gives you power. It gives you the illusion of control, and it’s okay to have the illusion of control.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:20]:

Because in that moment, it does give you some control, and that’s okay. It gives you the spark that you need to create change. If we didn’t have anger, think about all of the things that we would still have. Women maybe wouldn’t have the vote. We might still have slavery. There might be a lot of really bad things if people weren’t angry enough to fight and to put it all on the line to change things. Human rights violations, equal pay, all of these different things. Change is created when people get angry.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:24:08]:

So be in the purity and the clarity of that Anger and use it. Take those chances. Invest the time, the energy, the resources Because you deserve it. You so deserve it. You’ve always deserved it, but Especially now you deserve it, and this is why betrayal is such a gift. And this is why I say betrayal uncovers the truth. It uncovers the truth of what you deserve. It uncovers the truth of you.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:24:46]:

It uncovers the truth of your power and your clarity. You know what the number one thing People get hung up on is, I don’t know what I wanna do. I don’t know what I want. Anger lets you know that anger gives you the power to know what you want. Even when you’re saying, I know I don’t want this. That’s one thing out of the way. One possibility out of the way. If you know you don’t want this, then what is it that you do want? Anger helps you find that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:25:17]:

Use your anger. Allow that anger to move you. Now let’s talk a little bit about destructive anger because that’s the flip side of this anger now that I have us all riled up to be angry. Don’t stay in your anger. Don’t build a little house and move in and stick with this anger because That’s not healthy, and that’s not positive, and that’s called wallowing, And that’s called being bitter, and that’s called being a man hater. When you don’t know how to continue and process and use that anger when you’re not using it To create something, it will destroy you. Think about it like the nuclear bomb. Are you gonna use it to create something? Are you gonna lose it to destroy something? Because it will be a bomb, and it will destroy you and everybody around you Unless you find something constructive to do with it.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:26:21]:

So if you think about the surge of energy coming up, which way is it gonna go? Is it gonna go to the positive side, or is it gonna go to the negative side? Are you going to construct something, or are you going to destruct something because The anger that you’ve got could scorch a lot of earth. Destructive anger is anger that tends to be spontaneous, and it’s outwardly expressed. It’s like that lashing out. It’s Storming into a room and slamming a door. It negatively impacts your health In other people, it’s when your blood pressure goes up, when you feel the veins throbbing in your head because you’re having a cortisol dump. It’s when you feel violent and out of control and you scream to the point that your throat hurts. It triggers defensiveness. It triggers you to shut down.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:21]:

It leads to confrontation. It hurts people. It hurts relationships. It hurts you. It destroys, And it leads to nothing. And the thing is you don’t even feel good Afterwards, you feel more headachy. You feel emotionally exhausted. Your throat hurts.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:47]:

You feel horrible and icky. That’s destructive anger. Be constructive. Feel that power. This is where I wanna pause and talk about bashing your partner. Bashing your cheating partner, bashing the other woman, Bashing what they did. Fine line here between being destructive And seeking to cut through the BS to speak your truth. Whether you were in the Facebook group talking or whether you were talking to a friend or a coach or a counselor or a therapist or a clergy member, Speak the truth.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:28:37]:

Speak how you feel. If you wanna bash somebody, you can bash by speaking the truth. This is what they did, but you don’t know what they were feeling. It’s enormously helpful For you to be able to say this, that, and the other, and for people to say, you know what? That’s total gaslighting. That seems like projection. That doesn’t seem like they’re really committed. Okay. That’s dangerous.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:29:05]:

That’s abuse, and you need to get help. So do I want you to bash your partner? Yes and no. Speak the truth about what is going on in what you perceive. So other people who are a little bit more objective can help you find the truth Because it is easy to get stuck in, they did this and they did this and she did this and he did this and this is awful. And then you do lose track of the truth. Reverting to me and myself and my story, What my husband did was awful. Nobody would deny that, but the truth is he’s not a bad guy. He’s not a bad man.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:29:55]:

He’s not an abuser. He’s a hurt person. He is a hurt person who is lashing out to protect himself. He is somebody who is in pain. He was somebody who had no coping skills. He was somebody who had very little connection to his emotions. Like, those were all the truths of the matter. He’s not A bad person.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:20]:

So can I bash? Yes. He did these horrible things That impacted me, that impacted my kids, that impacted my family and my friends, that impacted our relationship. There’s things I can bash. And by bashing, it might make me feel like I A more righteous, that I have control again and that can empower me. But I Also don’t wanna get lost in that negativity that he did this to hurt me. He didn’t do it to hurt me. It didn’t mean anything to me. It wasn’t about me.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:57]:

It was about him. And that’s a really fine line. If you’re angry, speak your anger. One of my biggest tools that I teach people when I coach with them, when I work with them, is how to speak and think In terms of I statements, how I was impacted by my husband’s infidelity is different Then saying what he did this to me, he did this to me, he did this to me is spiteful. He did this to me assumes that he consciously Thought this is going to hurt her, and I’m gonna do this, which may or may not be true. That’s not for me to decide because I was not in his body. But what I can say is I was impacted in this way. I felt these emotions.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:31:46]:

I am upset by this. I, I, I, by talking about How it impacted me by using I statements, I am in better touch with my anger. I am confused How somebody could have betrayed me. I am so torn with what to do. I am. I feel. I want. Focus on those I statements.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:32:15]:

And that’s just one of the tools. We’re just gonna launch into that next to some of these tools to process anger, some of the ways to process anger. Because, again, I don’t wanna shut that anger down. I don’t want you to never bash your partner. I don’t want you to defend, and I don’t want you to bash. I want you to understand. I don’t even necessarily Want you to forgive, but I want you to accept. And you might be going like, well, wait, what? In a weird way, bashing your partner is even an expression of caring in a way because it shows how much you were hurt.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:32:59]:

If somebody does something to you and you’re like, I don’t even know you or care about you, there’s no reason to bash them Because some random dude at the store crashed his shopping cart into mine, like, I don’t even care. I don’t even care. I don’t know you and I don’t care about you. So when you’re bashing somebody, it’s an expression that you’re hurt Because you cared, because you loved them still. So when I see people in my group bashing their partner, I am filled with compassion for them because I know they are in love, and I know they were hurt. And I know they had their dreams trampled, and I know their heart is broken. And I know that you’re just Seeking to feel good again. So allow people the grace and the space to vent, To bash, to speak that anger.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:00]:

And then once they’ve done that gently, start leading them Down that path of acceptance. Down that path of joy, of power. Maybe maybe a forgiveness, but that’s kind of at the end. Pushing forgiveness too soon is just like pushing positivity too soon. You wanna be looking in that right direction, but at the same time, feel your feelings. Now I wanna move into some of these different ways to process anger because there’s a lot of them. One of the first and most important ways to process anger is to use humor. Laughter and tears are pretty much the same physiological response in the body.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:55]:

There’s that shaking. There’s tears coming out of your eyes. Your mouth is pulled all funny. You’re shaking. Your gut is clenched. Uncontrollable laughter and uncontrollable sobbing are both releases for the body. So if you’re really, really, really angry, Watch some comedy. Find some funny memes.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:35:19]:

Watch a funny movie. Call a funny friend. Do some laughter yoga. Do something to help you laugh. Another thing you can do, and sometimes this doesn’t work if you’re really, really, really angry, but is try to relax. When you consciously release your neck, your shoulders, your stomach, your thighs, your fists, When you consciously relax, it can help tame that anger. Again, sometimes this is too much of a stretch If you’re really, really, really angry, but it’s just something to try. If you’re really angry, sometimes being Not really violent, but sort of violent.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:03]:

There’s like those rage rooms. There’s the ax throwing. You can punch a pillow. You can scream. You can go on a workout where you’re, like, running up a mountain or lifting heavy weights and being like, You can do some shadow boxing or kickboxing or typo classes or anything like that where you’re like just smashing and pushing and getting that rage out. You can sing. You can dance. You can do crafting.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:36]:

You can do journaling. You can call a friend. You can connect with a counselor or clergy or coach. When I coach with people, I give them 247 Voxer access to me. And Voxer is a walkie talkie app where you just leave me a message. And I encourage people like, call me, vent it out, rage it out, cry it out. Get it out of your body. Because when it’s in your body and it’s in your mind, it loops, and you’ve gotta get it out.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:37:07]:

You’ve gotta get it out. And I am a safe place. A counselor is a safe place. Clergy is a safe place, but get it out and put it somewhere. Because that way, somebody They can either say, okay. I can hold this and transmute it for you. I can guide you into transmuting it for yourself, And I can also check you. Hey.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:37:28]:

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. That is unfair. Or you know what? You are spot on, and you are still being abused, and you are still being gaslit gaslit. And your partner is projecting all over you, and that is not true. And that is not safe, and that is not okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:37:48]:

Because tell me if you can relate to this. Sometimes you get in so far deep That you don’t even know what’s real and what’s true and what’s right and what’s wrong. And then it gets really, really confusing. Am I the problem? Is my partner the problem? Or is this situation the problem? What’s the problem? Because you start going down rabbit and you start reading things, then you’re looking at memes, and you’re like, it’s this. No. It’s that. And then you start diagnosing each other, and then you start diagnosing yourself. And then pretty soon, it’s this huge tangled up mess.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:38:20]:

Vent. Let it out to somebody safe, and that somebody safe can be Oh, wait a minute. This is very clear here. That, I’m not so sure about, and this is a really good call. Another thing that really helps with anger is changing your surroundings because we really do tend to get locked in. We get really locked in. Like, I am in my house. I am at my job.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:38:49]:

I am doing all of these things, and we get locked in. And the energy in that space gets locked in. So whether you go to the mall, go to a park, Rent a hotel for a few nights. Do one of those coworking office spaces. Go to the library. Go to the coffee shop. Go somewhere different or change some things in your home. Repaint, move the furniture, get a new bread spread.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:39:20]:

I got new dishes. Do something to change, to signify change externally. So it reminds you that you are different on the inside. The external change will remind you that you are different on the inside. One of my favorite meditations that I use with my clients is having them imagine, Visualize or pretend that they are a screen, you know, like a window screen, just the little threads Crisscrossing back and forth creating a screen. And I imagine that their skin is a screen. And we get quiet and we relax. And I guide them to imagine their skin opening up In creating a screen.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:40:15]:

So their entire body is still their body. Their skin is still holding them together, But then everything in them starts becoming a screen. And all of that stress, All of those tense emotions, all of that anger, all of that pain, All of that heartache can just blow away. And as they breathe And exhale, they can even blow those tense, icky feelings out of their body. So if it’s in their chest, they can kinda blow down and blow it out their back. If it’s in their neck, they can inhale and then exhale out the back of their neck, out the back of their head and Blow out that anger. Blow out that tension. Blow it all out.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:41:18]:

Or if they’re even too angry or too stressed to do it themselves, stand outside. Feel the wind go through them, stand in front of a fan or a heater, And just feel that fan, that heat, that wind blow through them and carry away all of those Feelings, the anger. So they are left with the purity and the power Exactly who they are. And speaking of exactly who you are, I also wanna talk about anger and women because the truth of the matter is women have been taught. We have been culturally conditioned to not be angry. We have been culturally conditioned to be good little girls, To be sweet, to keep the peace. We’re like, oh, you know, we don’t wanna be angry. We don’t wanna rock the boat.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:24]:

Anger in women is not acceptable the way anger in men is acceptable. Now I understand different families can be raised differently, Different cultures, whatever. But by and large, angry women are not a thing. And by that, I mean, If a woman is angry, something’s wrong with her. She is a witch. She is out of control. She’s screechy. She’s hormonal.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:54]:

She is irrational. She’s all the negative things. But if a man is angry, he’s powerful. He’s committed. He stands by his conviction. He knows what’s going on. And in fact, there was a study, And I cannot remember who did this study, but it was a study, where they took people, And they made them believe that they were jurors in a case. So it’s a legal proceeding.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:43:24]:

That’s my know about the study. And the jurors Had to decide if the defendant was guilty or innocent. And what the how they were set up to do it is when they all agreed, 1 man would disagree because they needed a unanimous verdict. So all, 6 jurors agreed. And then the man, when he would get angry and say, no. You’re wrong. This is not it. He is not guilty, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:43:52]:

When the man was the holdout juror and he was angry and he expressed that passion and he stood up and he waved his arms and he got loud, That it made everybody go to his side. It made them question. Even though there were 6 of them who unanimously agreed, 1 angry man was able to sway their conviction. 1 angry man was seen as powerful and persuasive, and the other jurors, regardless of their gender because they did this several different ways, would start changing their views. Whereas, when there was a unanimous verdict and the one holdout, The test person was a female, and she got angry. And she said and did the exact same thing as the man. She got passionate. She raised her voice.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:44:45]:

She stood up. She got animated. She said, no. No. No. No. No. You’re wrong.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:44:48]:

You were all wrong. It only further entrenched those fake jurors in their belief that they were right. I know. Right? So 1 angry man can cause 6 people to question their belief, And 1 angry woman causes 6 people to be more fully committed that they are right, that she is hysterical, that she’s crazy, That she’s hormonal, that she’s wrong. And that was what the, responses were afterwards when they were debriefed. Why did you change your mind? Well, he was passionate. Well, he was convincing because he really knew what was going on because he was so angry. But with the woman, no.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:45:35]:

No. No. No. No. She was out of control. She was psycho crazy. We knew she was wrong. And And I just want you to sit with that for a minute because it’s horrifying.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:45:48]:

I mean, first of all, it’s horrifying that it’s gender specific. It’s horrifying. The women are shut down like that. The women can’t have anger. And that’s another one of the reasons that I am so Passionate about letting women have their anger and letting women be angry because we don’t know how to be angry. We are shut down whenever we’re angry. We’re disregarded whenever we are angry, And I think it is powerfully important for us to learn, to be angry. So I just want you to think about that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:46:29]:

Think about that because that’s something It’s not that I’m pausing here because there’s, like, 12 directions I wanna go at the same time. It’s not like you being angry is going to change the world. Obviously, you being angry could even Set you up to not be believed by other people. However, I firmly believe that because anger is a natural human emotion. It’s something that we all need to learn how to express and how to get in touch with. And the more often We express it, and we learn how to express it, and we learn how to take action on that anger. The more able we are as a society to understand anger, to listen to angry women, and to not dismiss other angry women. And that’s where I also wanted to go with this when I said there’s, like, 12 places I wanted to go.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:47:35]:

I also want you, As a woman listening to this, to commit to yourself that you will listen to other angry women. I mean, think about Rape, sexual assault. She’s crazy. Why didn’t she report it? She’s too hysterical. She’s not hysterical enough. Believe other women. What can you do to believe other women? And that’s this power of the Facebook group too. When somebody is angry, listen to them.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:48:03]:

Believe them. Hold space for their anger because you know what? Nobody else will. People will shut Them down and silence them and tell them to get over it or tell them to move on or tell them to suck it up. Be that safe space for another woman’s anger. Know your own boundaries. Don’t let it get personal. Don’t let it get violent, anything like that. But What can you do to hold space for another woman’s anger? What can you do to hold space For another woman’s anger.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:48:38]:

Because we are in this together, not only because we’re all the betrayed partners, But because as part of humanity, it is our job to help create this culture Where an angry woman is seen in the exact same way as an angry man. And, yes, I wanna be perfectly honest 2, there’s destructive anger and there’s constructive anger. We’ve talked about that. You don’t have to hold space for destructive anger. You don’t have to hold space for violence, Aggression, things like that. But it’s helping other women be angry together. What can you do, and how can you help? I recently heard another story about elephants And female elephants in particular. And when a female elephant is hurting, in pain, In labor, whenever she’s having an issue, the other female elephants will surround her and circle her.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:49:42]:

They will kick up dirt to mask the scent of her blood when she is birthing so predators will not come and be with her. Same thing if she is injured, they’ll do the same thing. They’ll kick up the dust to mask the scent, and they will put her in the center of that circle, and they will hold space and keep her safe while she is the one that is hurting. And that’s what I mean by how can you hold space for another woman. We’re all gonna be in the center of that circle one day. We’re all gonna be bashing our partners. We’re all gonna be hurting. We’re all gonna be in a rage.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:17]:

Unfair things happen to people all the time. Horrible things happen all the time. We are all going to need to be in the center of that circle. We are going to need to have Our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, our friends around us kicking up the dust so we can stay safe In our moment of need, in our moment of pain. And that’s what I mean when I say, what can you do To help another woman. How can you kick up the dust to mask their scent of blood? How can you circle them to keep them safe? Because one day, you too are going to be in that center, And you are going to need people around you in the same way that these women need you now. So, yes, call people in. Don’t always call them out.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:51:21]:

There is a time and there is a place to tell somebody you know it. It’s time you got off the floor, and I will help you. It’s time to move that anger through your body. It’s time to get a coach. It’s time to get a counselor. It’s time to do an online class. It’s time to talk to somebody. But there’s also A time to let people mourn.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:51:44]:

There’s a time to let people grieve. There is a time for all things. There is a season for all things. Let’s not judge what is negative or scary or dark. Let’s hold loving and protective space for that, and then let’s link arms, and let’s bring everybody Into the light. I am going to conclude today’s show by reading a section from FLAUNT!. Drop your cover and reveal your smart, sexy, and spiritual self. This is a part of the book where I specifically talk about anger, The difference between constructive and destructive anger and how to not be afraid of your anger, how to use it Instead of covering and hiding and running from it.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:52:36]:

This is the section of the book that is about embodying both the light and the shadow. The Egyptian goddess Sekhmet is a perfect example of how to embody and accept yourself And your shadow with balance, grace and awareness. Sekhmet is known both as a warrior goddess And the goddess of healing, 2 seemingly contradictory attributes that when integrated cohesively together, actually make perfect Complimentary sense. As a warrior goddess, Sekhmet, although powerfully destructive, uses her powers of destruction as a force for good. She fiercely destroys all that is evil in a terrible yet beautiful way that clears the path for good and allows true Healing to take place in a way that can never be done without the clearing away her destruction has caused. Her destructive warrior like nature is her shadow. And that lies in perfect companionship with her beautiful healing self. Making her gift stronger and more powerful than if her dark side were denied.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:53:50]:

How could revealing and Accepting both your shadow and yourself work for you. I’ll tell you how it worked for me in one glorious spring day. Perhaps you can guess, but I’m kind of a tree hugging pacifist, who would normally never heard a fly. It was a Saturday, and we were to soccer match for my older son. My younger son needed to go to the bathroom, which meant traipsing around the soccer field to get to the porta potty on the other side. He was a little, so there was no need to go with him. But being a mom, I still kept my eye on him. Chatting with other parents, I didn’t see him exit the bathroom, but I did see a big man sort of struggle with the door before slipping stealthily into the porta potty.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:54:37]:

I’m not kidding when I tell you that something involuntarily triggered in my brain. The next thing I remember, I was sprinting across the field Through the kids mid game preparing to tackle and take down the empty porta potty. From off in the distance, I heard the parents But I’ve been chatting with yelling after me. Stop, Lora. Stop. Your son is over here. Healer, warrior. Let’s just say I can absolutely relate.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:55:09]:

And that’s why I wanted to conclude the show with that. It was my anger that literally Fueled me to sprint across that field because I was gonna protect my son and I was going to right a wrong. And I want you to be that in touch with your anger to not deny it, but to not let that anger hurt you either to listen. The way I listened when I heard the other parents saying, stop, Lora. Your son’s over here. Use it. Let it fuel you. Don’t let it destroy you.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:55:43]:

Use it. Construct with it. Reach out to me, reach out to others and let’s find ways to process, to let that anger flow So we can be authentic in how we feel. So we learn how to express a full range of emotions. And so we can be models For the next generation as well, for how to be healthy and process their full range of emotions Because we’re human. Because life is not all angry. Because life is not all joy and happiness and kumbaya. Life is anger and pain as well.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:56:32]:

And what matters is knowing how to get in touch with those dark emotions. What matters is knowing how to process those dark emotions so we don’t hurt ourselves, so we don’t hurt others, but so we can create the kind of changes That need to be created both on a global level and on a very personal level as well. Reach out. Let me know what you think. Have an amazing weekend. As usual, always remember to FLAUNT! Exactly who you are because who you are is always more.

 

Narrator [00:57:09]:

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth.com.