Dreaming big is great, but it doesn’t work. When you dream too big, you pinch off what’s available and accessible for you in the moment. It cuts you off from healing, from identifying what’s blocking you right now, and it makes you feel discouraged and incapable. Instead, Learn the three keys to successful manifestation, whether you are manifesting the ability to get through the day without crying or a beautiful new life and relationship

Top take-a-ways

• Step One: Focus on What you Want. This includes identifying what’s getting in the way of knowing what you want and wither you need strategy or support to manage that block.
• Step Two: Feel How you Want to Feel. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it yet! Nobody can jump from heartbreak to joy in a short period of time. Focus instead on the next highest level. Focus only on what you can feel. Rest, and then find the next highest level.
• Step Three: Emit What you Want. Send the frequency of how you feel out to others, strongly enough that they can feel what you feel. This is a tricky on, but it’s where the magic happens! Until you vibrate at the frequency you desire, you won’t attract the life you desire.

Watch this 9 minute Channeled Message about Simultaneously Wanting too much and Not Enough: https://youtu.be/Gb3pju13IsQ?si=8Od7HSw84wqfddyh

 

 

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Schedule and pay here: https://calendly.com/loras-schedule/12-days-of-christmas-sale

 

Download your Betrayal Recovery Tool Kit at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, and take the first steps in feeling okay again, despite what’s going on around you.

 

About Lora

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

 

 

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

 

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Purchase Lora’s book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self on Amazon, IndieBound or wherever books are sold.

 

 

Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

 

You’re listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.

 

Narrator [00:00:30]:

 

This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, And for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help.

 

Narrator [00:01:08]:

 

You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There’s a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp’s 20,000 plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus, you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know the confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting To be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through, to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime.

 

Narrator [00:02:03]:

 

Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken Charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp therapist. Special offer to FLAUNT!, create a life you love after Infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at better Help .com/FLAUNT!. That’s betterhelphelp.com Slash FLAUNT!, f l a u n t. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast. Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, And I’m gonna tell you right now, I think this might be one of my favorite shows ever that I am recording, And here’s why.

 

Narrator [00:03:05]:

 

It’s on stereotypes and judgment, and I am so passionate about the impact of stereotypes and judgment on people. And today, I really wanna talk about Stereotypes as it relates to infidelity. Like, the stereotype of the betrayed partner And the stereotype of the cheating husband and even the stereotype of the other woman Because the fact of the matter is stereotypes just aren’t accurate. Sometimes there is some truth For some people, yes. But by and large, that’s not accurate. And If you’re listening to this show, my guess is you don’t fit the stereotype anyway Because the stereotypical betrayed partner wouldn’t be here listening to the show anyway. So before we get into that, I am Lora Cheadle, and, yes, I am the betrayed partner. My husband.

 

Narrator [00:04:20]:

 

My dear sweet husband who I, I would always say, I love, worship, and adore you. That was, like, our fun little lingo. I love, worship, and adore you. Have a good day. I love, worship, and adore you. I’m so glad you’re back. My Husband who I loved, worshiped, and adored. I found out that he had been cheating on me for 50 years with 5 women after we had been married for 23 years.

 

Narrator [00:04:50]:

 

So, yeah, it was pretty pretty big. We’re not talking like a one time, oh, maybe we can excuse this. Oops. This was a lot of cheating for a lot of years with a lot of people, and I needed Help. When I found out, when I learned that he was cheating, It crushed my soul. It absolutely broke me. I had no idea this was even a thing to think about. I had no idea how this could have happened, how I could have been so Stupid or so blindsided.

 

Narrator [00:05:44]:

 

I really prided myself on being the kind of person who does things right. I did things right. I did things in the right order for the right reasons, and I gave people the benefit of the doubt. And I would dig deep, and I would try to fight fair, and I would try to communicate accurately. And I read all the self help books, and I did my own work, And I did all the marriage stuff like, I did it. Oh, was I perfect? No. But I tried to be. And isn’t that the kicker? I really tried to be.

 

Narrator [00:06:23]:

 

I tried to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom. During my years at home, I tried to, quote, unquote, earn my keep by doing everything, Everything I could so my husband could excel at work. We were a partnership. We were in this together, and when I found out the truth, It broke my heart. It shattered my soul, and I really didn’t see how I could possibly recover. So I did what you have probably done too. You start googling. You start searching things out.

 

Narrator [00:07:16]:

 

You start putting in, like, all of these search terms, like, you know, can my marriage be saved or, you know, recovering from infidelity or what does infidelity mean or why do men cheat or, like, all of those things. Chances of I mean, I I went chances of staying together, chances of Aquarius and Gemini staying together after cheating. Like, I was doing all the searches. It was like, give me a quiz. I need a quiz. I wanna figure this out. I need some certainty, so give me this quiz. Give me this story.

 

Narrator [00:07:45]:

 

Give me this Tool I need to understand. I need to figure it out. And as is probably the case with you, Sometimes you happen upon something that is helpful, and you’re like, the skies have opened up. It feels amazing. You read the story, and you’re like, that’s It. And then you read something, and it’s like another sucker punch right there in your gut. This is not it. Oh my god.

 

Narrator [00:08:12]:

 

It’s never gonna work. I’m being stupid. Blah blah blah blah blah. This is what it means. That’s what it means. And you find yourself on this roller coaster as if It weren’t a bad enough roller coaster to begin with. Now you read something and you’re, like, all empowered, and then you read something and you’re, like, all dejected. It’s all over the all over the place.

 

Narrator [00:08:33]:

 

It’s totally schizophrenic, chaotic. I get it. Been there. Done that. Got the T shirt. Still, sometimes 2. I will see something online, and I will still have that catch in my heart. I wanna be Fully transparent.

 

Narrator [00:08:49]:

 

6 years later, sometimes I’ll still see something, and I’ll be like, I didn’t know this. I didn’t take that quiz. I need to figure it out. Who cares that now we’ve been together 6 years after the infidelity and have worked through a lot, I will still sometimes give my power away To this article on the Internet or to this book or to this quiz or whatever and be like, what do I not know? So I get it. Totally, totally get it, but I needed help, and I needed concrete help From somebody who could ground me and save me, give me something to hang on. And you know what? There are a lot of people online that can help you. There’s therapists. There’s coaches.

 

Narrator [00:09:38]:

 

There’s counselors. There’s clergy. There’s, like, all these people out there, and do you know what I was afraid of? I was afraid of, like, showing myself, hi. It’s me. I’m the betrayed partner Because I had this stereotype, the stereotypical image of what the betrayed woman looked like, and she wasn’t me. Infidelity happened to other people. It didn’t happen to people in my neighborhood. It didn’t happen to people that I worked out with.

 

Narrator [00:10:12]:

 

It didn’t happen to people whose kids went to my kid’s school. Infidelity was an other thing. Didn’t happen to people like me. I am not what I thought a betrayed spouse was. And the idea of hopping on a Zoom call with a coach Or getting on a call with a counselor and being like, hi. My name is Lora, And my husband cheated on me or even showing up in a support group. I thought I was gonna be the only normal person there. Like, I really thought I was going to be the only normal person there.

 

Narrator [00:11:02]:

 

I thought it was gonna be a bunch of, like, trashy people, because infidelity happens to trashy people. Right? Not us. To them. Us and them. We’re safe. We’re good. We try. Infidelity happens to people who aren’t educated, who don’t know how to communicate, who, They can’t even pull anything together.

 

Narrator [00:11:27]:

 

It happens to the key people who abuse their kids. It happens to the people who like, I don’t care what your judgments are. I want you to answer that question. Who does infidelity happen to? What are betrayed women like? What is the betrayed partner like? Oh, she’s a pushover. Oh, she’s not that smart. Oh, she doesn’t care. She’s the shrew. She’s the bitchy wife.

 

Narrator [00:11:58]:

 

She’s the one that is all about her. She is selfish. She’s manipulative. She’s all about the kids. She’s the one who’s totally not paying attention to her husband because it’s all about the kids. Right? Think about what you think of when you think of betrayed partner because chances are when you look in the mirror, you don’t say, oh, that’s her. There she is. You see yourself as good and worthy, and you see the betrayed partner as somehow not worthy of keeping her husband.

 

Narrator [00:12:33]:

 

She was too focused on herself. She was too focused on the kids. She didn’t know how to compromise. She didn’t know how to communicate. Oh, the poor man. What he had to put up with being with her. And that’s not me, And that’s not you either. So when you Talk about why is infidelity so hard.

 

Narrator [00:13:01]:

 

It’s hard for all of the reasons that all 300 of my other shows have addressed. It impacts us on all levels, emotional, psychological, physical. It makes us feel like we’re not worth it. It makes us feel like we’re Stupid. It makes us feel. It makes us feel. Like, it’s horrible, and there’s this whole other level of betrayal, And that is our ruptured view of ourself. Betrayal is defined if you go to the definition of betrayal trauma.

 

Narrator [00:13:30]:

 

Betrayal betrayal trauma is something that ruptures your view of yourself or the world. It ruptures your view of yourself or the world. Those are 2 things. Yourself is 1 and the world is something else. So when you have been betrayed, it ruptures your view of your partner. Yes. It ruptures your world view. Oh my gosh.

 

Narrator [00:13:56]:

 

Married people are loyal. People who try don’t get cheated on. People who are good and kind like me don’t have this happen, But it also really, really ruptures your view of yourself. I’m not I’m not quite thinking about what I think about a betrayed spouse. That’s not me. Oh my god. It is me. So then we have all of this cognitive dissonance going on.

 

Narrator [00:14:21]:

 

It’s not me. It is me. It’s them. It’s not. And we have to settle that at the same time that we are trying to deal With our whole life falling apart and our partner and our life and our house and our like, it’s so stinking much. That’s why they say it takes between 2 5 years truly to fully recover. I think the 1st year is the really, really the hardest. I think the 2nd year, there is still huge potential for growth.

 

Narrator [00:14:55]:

 

And here’s what I will say, everybody that I have worked with has hit a place where they’re like, yeah, I’m recovered. I will never be the same again, but I am recovered. And I just I just wanna throw that out there too for whatever that is worth because I know how you feel. You’re like, I’m never gonna get through this, never gonna be the same. You will get through it unless you choose not to. And, no, you won’t be the same. You’re gonna be better. You’re gonna be stronger, and that I know for sure.

 

Narrator [00:15:29]:

 

And a big part of that comes from figuring out all of this, Figuring out what is your idea of what a betrayed spouse looks like and then reconciling the fact But what you thought stereotypically betrayed spouse was is not it. You are the betrayed spouse. You are the betrayed partner. That’s awful, isn’t it? Look in the mirror. Look at yourself. Look at your body. Look at your life. Look at everything, and Chances are there’s pretty much nothing in you that fits your stereotypical view of what the betrayed Spouse should look like.

 

Narrator [00:16:23]:

 

Then the second thing I wanna say about that is, What are the judgments that you hold or have held about the betrayed partner? I just spewed out a bunch of them not too long ago, but that she’s self absorbed, she’s too busy with the kids, She doesn’t care. She’s ignoring her partner. She’s this, she’s that. Imagine being with her. She’s relentless. Think about all of those judgments about why someone would cheat. Right? Because you look at yourself and you’re like, okay. Now In fairness, here are some of the things that I did wrong, but I’m not that woman.

 

Narrator [00:17:12]:

 

Okay. In fairness, I can see where All of these things might have happened. I might’ve let myself go a little bit. I might’ve been so busy and distracted taking care of the kids, but, no, I wasn’t acting like I did when we were 20 and when we were dating. Like, yes. Things okay. Yes. I’ve lost my tolerance.

 

Narrator [00:17:34]:

 

I’m tired of this, and I was not fair in a bunch of arguments. I mean, there’s, like, things that we do, of course. Sure. Own that, But not by and large, we are not a shrew. We are not that woman. And when we think back about all the ways we judged other women, and then we realize this is that mirror looking again. Oh, that’s me, And it hurts and it hurts and it hurts. And again, it disrupts our view of how things should be in the way the world works.

 

Narrator [00:18:11]:

 

So a big, big, big piece of recovering is coming to terms with what was your stereotypical view of the betrayed woman, And how did you judge her? When you heard stories about somebody, how did you judge her? And then realizing, okay. My views were not accurate. My judgments judgments were not accurate. And releasing those stereotypical views, releasing those judgments while And this is hard too. At the same time, realizing that other people will be judging you too. 8. Other people will be judging you in the same way that you judged other people. No.

 

Narrator [00:19:05]:

 

And that’s hard, isn’t it? How often? I just did a show, I think, 2 weeks ago, about Who to tell and how to tell? And one of the tips that I gave was on how to tell in a way that The other person would judge you less because being judged is really, really painful. Being judged is really, really painful, especially when we find ourselves in a position That we used to judge. We used to judge other people the way we are now not wanting people to judge us. That’s just salt to the wound. But right here, right now, I ask you to just ground into this convoluted mess. It’s not like you have to release all your stereotypes and judgments today. It’s not like you have to go out and tell the world today. It’s just this awareness that I wanna talk about Because I think one of the biggest problems with infidelity is the fact that there is still such a stigma around it, But there is still so much judgment and shame from us, the betrayed partner, that we don’t want to come out and say, yes, it was me.

 

Narrator [00:20:34]:

 

Now while I hesitate to compare anything Because comparisons are never a 100% accurate, and sexual assault is horrific. And I don’t wanna say 1 is worse or 1 are better or blah blah blah blah blah. This is just by way of example. For So long, women did not wanna come forward and talk about sexual assault, about rape because they were afraid that they would be be judged. What did you do wrong? What were you wearing? How did you lead them on? Why were you alone at night? Why did you wear that skirt? Why did you walk down that street? Why didn’t you say no? Why didn’t you fight harder? All of those things that we judge. And although it’s not perfect, I feel like for the most part, it is getting better, that more and more people now than in the past Recognize, understand, and realize that when when a woman is sexually assaulted or raped, she’s not asking for it. She is not to blame. Do we still have work to do? Of course, we still have work to do.

 

Narrator [00:21:49]:

 

But for the most part, I feel like we’re getting better. But when it comes to infidelity, I don’t feel like we are there yet, and that is one of my missions. That Truly is one of my missions in life, is to help break down the stigma and the shame of infidelity, To help the world realize it is not an other thing. It happens to all of us. I mean, good heavens. If you look at the statistics, it really does happen to everyone. You cannot look left and look right And not be looking at either a cheater or a betrayed partner. It is that ridiculously common.

 

Narrator [00:22:36]:

 

So why do we have such a stigma around it? And that is my mission. And, you know, missions like this Have to be more of a grassroots mission. I can’t just go tell people you should not judge and you should not Shame, and you should look at your stereotypes. It comes from working 1 on 1 with women like you and changing your belief So you can feel differently inside, so you can release that shame, so you can release your fear of judgment, So you can stop judging yourself or judging others, and then so you can have conversations with your sisters, mothers, friends, Daughters, acquaintances, and start breaking down this stigma once and for all because it is a huge absolutely unfair stigma. Climbing off my soapbox. When I was early on in the throes of the pain of this, and I knew I needed help. Like I said, I The thought of hopping on a call with a coach, hopping on a Zoom, showing up in person, getting on a call, that was a big hurdle to clear Because I thought I was gonna show up at these there were some monthly support groups that I wanted to attend. I thought I was gonna show up, and I was gonna be, like, the only professional woman there.

 

Narrator [00:24:06]:

 

I thought I was gonna be the only one who was Decent who was pulled together, who was, you name it, educated who tried, Who wasn’t a complete psycho narcissist? I thought I was gonna be the only normal person there, and I was terrified, And I didn’t wanna show up. And same thing. When we found in a fair recovery weekend, One of the big reasons I didn’t wanna show up is because I was like, oh my gosh. I’m gonna be with all of these people who are like Reality TV drama psychos. And we’re gonna be sitting here, and there’s gonna be all this, like, reality TV psycho stuff going on, And that’s me. That’s not me. That is me, but that’s not me. And I thought, I don’t wanna be here amongst these people With a fake smile on my face as I listened to their drama that they brought on themselves, themselves.

 

Narrator [00:25:10]:

 

I saw some coaches. I saw some therapists, and I had the same judgments. Really? I don’t even wanna tell you, Because I know how you’re gonna look at me, and I don’t wanna go there, and that is not me. And here’s what I wanna say. I wanna say how wrong I was. How wrong I was Doing the support groups online, I found they were filled with people just like me. They weren’t living in a bridge, shooting up drugs, drinking, totally self absorbed, narcissistic, crazy people Who are completely trashy, living in squalor. Like, you name it.

 

Narrator [00:26:00]:

 

Those ridiculous, stereotypical judge. Those weren’t those people. They weren’t there. When I went to the affair recovery weekend, they weren’t there either. And the more I immersed myself in this world, the more I realized we all have it wrong. I’m sure there are some totally trashy people who bring this on themselves, But they’re not the ones who are out here trying to get help and trying to figure it out. I’m sure there are some psychopaths sociopaths or narcissists or whatever. I’m sure there are women who are complete shrews, and I’m sure there are these poor men out there.

 

Narrator [00:26:45]:

 

Like, I’m sure it all happens, but they’re not in this vortex. They’re just not. Those aren’t the kinds of people you’re going to run into. You’re going to run into people just like you, just like me. I mean, let’s talk about being really judgmental and rude. I even thought, I might be one of the better looking people here. I’m sure men are cheating because their wives have Totally let themselves go. They have nothing to talk about.

 

Narrator [00:27:19]:

 

They are just, like, yes. I had those judgy parts of me. Ew. But I had them. You wouldn’t believe how stinking gorgeous, Gorgeous. Accomplished. Phenomenal. These 2 women especially were.

 

Narrator [00:27:39]:

 

When I did one of my affair recovery courses, I was like, I am in awe of you. Now it dawns on me. Look around. Look at some of these incredible women who have been cheated on. J. Lo. What do we say about her? Oh, I thought she was self centered. Look at Hillary, the freaking secretary of the State and first lady, and she’s cheated on? What do we hear? Yes.

 

Narrator [00:28:06]:

 

We hear some things about Bill, but mostly, what do we hear? She was such a shrew. Nobody could deal with her. I bet she was horrible to live with, but my god, stop. I don’t care what your political persuasion is or isn’t. She’s a very brilliant woman. She’s educated. She’s brilliant. And you know what? I bet she’s an amazing conversationalist, And I don’t think she did anything wrong.

 

Narrator [00:28:33]:

 

I don’t think she did anything wronger than you or I did. I don’t think J. Lo did anything worse than we did. Is she busy? I I bet she’s pretty busy. Is she focused on her body? Of course she is. That’s her job. That’s her profession. But you know what? I bet she is a warm, loving, together woman Also, run down the list of celebrities in your head.

 

Narrator [00:29:03]:

 

How often do you think, yeah, but I bet she was heck to live with? How often do you think, Pretty on the outside, but nothing going on inside. And how often do you really, honestly Judge that woman for who she is. I know. Right? Dang it. So that is my charge for you, my call to action, is for you to start observing the way that you have judged others, the way that you might still judge others, And to give yourself some grace and compassion because what we spew out away from us always comes back At us. One of my favorite sections, ideas, in A Course of Miracles Is an idea does not leave its source. And that means whatever idea you have, when you View it on another person. When you judge somebody else, you’re not impacting them.

 

Narrator [00:30:05]:

 

You’re only impacting Because an idea does not leave its source. So if my idea is judgment and stereotype and That’s all about me. It’s not about them. So that’s my call to action for you is to extend yourself Some grace, some compassion, some understanding that you’re not at fault, and that you actually do fit the profile of somebody who has been cheated on because the profile of somebody who has been cheated on sadly is a wonderful woman. A beautiful, kind, compassionate, giving woman. A smart, educated, conscientious, whatever it is. You Fit, the profile. So spend some time journaling about Your judgments, your beliefs about what you, before this, thought was the stereotypical betrayed partner.

 

Narrator [00:31:06]:

 

Oh, she’s so put upon. She has no voice. She’s a doormat. And just start looking and challenging some of your own ideas and beliefs because It will help. Yeah. You might go through a cycle of, oh my gosh, but then it’ll all start coming together and it will help. I promise. And next, I wanna talk about the stereotypical cheater.

 

Narrator [00:31:32]:

 

Yeah. Who is the stereotypical cheater? Gigolo. The poor man who puts up with so much from his mean, awful wife, And he’s just so abused, and he needs love somewhere. What are the stereotypical cheaters in your brain? Whole new activity is to start journaling and exploring what you think the cheating man is. Cheating man. We all get riled up. He’s a cheating man. Part of the reason that we don’t see it when our partner cheats is because they don’t fit the stereotypical profile of the cheating man.

 

Narrator [00:32:15]:

 

Okay. He’s vulnerable. He’s just going through something. I was just asked today by somebody How many of the people that I coach thought that their partner was cheating and just didn’t want to admit it to themselves? And you know, I said actually 0. Most every but not not most everybody. Everybody that I have worked Sure. They will look back on it with hindsight and say, I should have known that. But In the moment, until they figured it out and found it out, it’s not like for years they ignored all the signs.

 

Narrator [00:32:56]:

 

They loved their partner. Sure, they had frustrations, whatever, but they gave their partners the benefit of the doubt. They saw their partners as Kind, compassionate, loving, good provider, whatever, but as somebody with an issue. Okay. Will he have this problem? Well, he was going through something. Okay. Well, he he was having a bit of a midlife crisis. He was having a health issue.

 

Narrator [00:33:19]:

 

I was having this. He was frustrating. We weren’t really connecting. Everything is explainawayable because that’s how life works. Again, absentee, Person who is a true clinical narcissist or psychopath or sociopath who is really just cheating to hurt you and they don’t care. Most cheaters are good people. They’re normal people. They’re people of faith.

 

Narrator [00:33:51]:

 

There are people with education. There are people with families that they love. They are people who are hurt, Who have been hurt, who are hurting. And cheating is a tool. I say this all the time to my people. Cheating is a tool. We all have tools to deal with perceived problems in our life. Some of those tools are really helpful, and some of those tools are not.

 

Narrator [00:34:19]:

 

It’s like when you have a hammer and you really, really need a wrench. Okay. Can you make it work? Not so much. Cheating is a tool. It’s it’s something that somebody thinks is going to be a good idea. They think it’s going to help them for some reason, whether they think it’s gonna give them confidence or power or feel good moments, whatever it is. It’s a tool. It’s a bad tool, but it’s A tool.

 

Narrator [00:34:48]:

 

And cheaters are not bad people. They are not immoral people. They are hurt, confused people. And that’s why it’s really important in navigating this journey to then again be aware Of what your stereotypical version of a cheater looks like. Again, going back to, like, rape and sexual assault. What does a rapist look like? They’re not the person skulking down the alley looking all, you know, attitude with chains and scary looking. Ted Bundy, you know, a horrible serial killer, was really good looking, was really pulled together. And I forget if he was a med student or if he had actually completed Or was it a law school? I can’t remember.

 

Narrator [00:35:45]:

 

Highly educated. That’s why the victims fell for him because he didn’t fit the profile. Rapists typically don’t fit the profile. If you look at crime statistics, most People are assaulted or raped by somebody that they know. Most people are victimized by somebody that they know and somebody that they trust, And that’s what’s so stinking frustrating about this whole thing is does your partner look like a cheater? Probably not. In the same way that you don’t look like the betrayed woman. And if you were going to recover, You really have to challenge your assumptions. You have to challenge your beliefs.

 

Narrator [00:36:32]:

 

You have to figure out some of your stereotypical beliefs and judgments around a cheater. You have to. It doesn’t matter if you’re gonna stay together, if you’re not gonna stay together, or if you haven’t figured out what the heck you wanna do. If you wanna heal, part of that healing process is Coming to terms with reality. And the reality is cheaters aren’t like the stereotypical cheater. So just like I asked you to do with yourself to write down what is your stereotypical version of a betrayed woman, write down What is your stereotypical version of a cheater? And then I want you to write down all of the Judgments that you make about men who cheat. They’re selfish. They’re entitled.

 

Narrator [00:37:24]:

 

Write it all down and look at that list. And then when you’re done, I want you to take all 4 lists 4 lists. List 1 is what does a betrayed woman look like stereotypically. List 2 is how you judge A woman who’s been betrayed. List 3 is what is that you’re a stereotypical version of a cheating man, And list 4 is what is your judgments of a cheating man. And I literally want you to look at those lists And compare them and look in the mirror or look at pictures of you and your partner, And then start crossing things out. Start writing what’s real. She is not.

 

Narrator [00:38:16]:

 

She is. He is not. He is. Start correcting those lists just like you are correcting somebody else’s paper. And trust me, this is not something you’ll probably want to just sit down and do in the same day because it’s a lot. It’s something you’re gonna wanna do over time with some thoughts and with some breaks, Because you’re reassembling your beliefs in your mind, so take time. And even if you wanna grab a red pen and go back and, like, correct your paper later, that’s a really great way to do it too Because it just gives you an opportunity to see how these judgments might be holding you back in getting help In moving forward. And here’s the big thing.

 

Narrator [00:39:10]:

 

Here’s the kicker. Here’s where, bam, head butt. When I do this with the women that I coach, do you know where we often get stuck? We often get stuck because they can see themselves As not the stereotypical betrayed woman. And they can take all these judgments, and they can feel all this Righteousness, but that’s not me and this is not right and people don’t understand and blah blah blah blah blah. But then when it comes to their partner, they don’t wanna do the same. They are not the stereotypical version. They do not deserve that judgment, but their cheating partner, he is. He does.

 

Narrator [00:39:51]:

 

He did. He is. And here’s what I want you to know as my listener. Here’s what I want my women to know that I work 1 on 1 with. It’s equally true for both of you. And hanging on to that judgment and that stereotype, That can be part of the healing early on. But, again, it’s something to move through. It’s something to release, intellect, though.

 

Narrator [00:40:23]:

 

Because in the long run, it will help you to understand that you are individuals. Your partner is an individual, and the stereotypes are wrong. The judgments are wrong. They just are. If you have not already listened to my TEDx, I encourage you to do so. I will put the link in the show notes, but the name of my TEDx is uncovering bias in gender and women’s sexuality. And I just talk about all of those judgments, all of those stereotypes, And start slowly breaking them down. If you have not read my book, FLAUNT!, drop your cover And reveal your smart, sexy, spiritual self.

 

Narrator [00:41:13]:

 

Now is a really great time to do that as well. It’s a traditionally published book, so it’s available anywhere books are sold. But what is so great about it is it helps You break down those stereotypes. Alrighty. So the very last Thing that I wanna talk about is our stereotypical judgments and beliefs about, yes, the other woman. And let me just be honest that I think that is one that most of us don’t Want to even touch. Because here’s the thing. We can address it within ourselves.

 

Narrator [00:41:58]:

 

We can address it with our partners because in the past, at least, we have loved our partner, and we see their good points, and we really, really, really know them. But most of the time, we don’t really know the intimate. We don’t know the other woman intimately. Sometimes we do. Sometimes she was a friend, and that really, really stinks too. But oftentimes, the other woman is a little bit more nameless and And there’s a different dynamic when she’s a little more nameless and faceless than there is when she is somebody that we knew Because the same thing holds true. What are ours what is the stereotypical other woman? You know? We know who that is. We have that belief that she is this manipulative, claws out, here to steal your man, like, All of this stuff, we have all these beliefs about her, and we have all these judgments that she’s the homewrecker, that she’s pathetic, that, you know, all of these same types of judgments.

 

Narrator [00:43:07]:

 

And Just like before, if there is a hook in you, if you’ve got some pain Around the other woman, if you keep leaning in and thinking, what was she like and what did she do and why don’t I measure up? It’s a really profound exercise to do the same exercise with listing what is the stereotypical other woman And how do I judge her? And to do the exact same thing that you did with yourself and with your partner, but for her. And then same thing to pull out that red pen a day or two later and to kind of correct it, knowing or assuming What you think about her, and then just checking yourself because she’s human too. She’s human too. And, again, sometimes the stereotypes fit, But most often, they don’t. Sometimes the judgments fit, but most often, they don’t. And it’s really important to be able to extend your understanding there, not because I want you to feel sorry for the other woman, not because I want you to not blame your partner or not Blame her or it it’s just the humanization of this demonic person in your life. Because let’s face it. The other woman is a demonic Presence in your life.

 

Narrator [00:44:50]:

 

In my life, in all of our lives, did she manipulate our partner? What did she do that I didn’t do? Does she have no standards, no morals that she wrecked our home? She knew he was married. She knew he had kids. She knew like, all of these things, yes and. She made some really poor choices just like your cheating partner made some really, really poor choices. But those choices don’t define her any more than they define your husband any more than they define you. Because if you’re anything like me, you’ve made some poor choices too. And that’s just where I want to leave that With the understanding that we are all human, stereotypes don’t always fit, And judgments are usually quite unfair. Yes.

 

Narrator [00:45:58]:

 

You can judge your partner For making some bad choices. Yes. You can judge the other woman for making choices. Yes. There’s certain things that you can judge on. Just make sure you’re judging on the merits and not on Beliefs or assumptions that you are holding about them. I don’t even wanna go into sometimes the other woman’s a victim. But I also wanna be clear that The stories that they have been told by your partner are not accurate stories.

 

Narrator [00:46:40]:

 

They were probably fed a lot of lines about how evil you were, about how neglectful you were, About how your partner just tries, but no matter what happens, you just can’t show up for him. You don’t understand him. And I’m not saying this so you now are firing up fury and anger towards your partner, But I’m just saying it by way of understanding that she was probably fed a lot of lines too. I don’t know if that is supposed to make it better or worse. I just want you to understand. I want you to understand that there’s a lot of half truths, a lot of lying, and a lot of manipulation By both her and your partner. And, again, going back to what I said earlier about your partner, not because They’re a psychopath, a sociopath, or a true narcissist, although maybe a few people are. But because they’re in pain, Because they’re hoping for something.

 

Narrator [00:47:55]:

 

And because they’re human and they too Sometimes make really, really bad mistakes and really poor decisions. And, usually, the poor decisions we make are not intentionally because we are choosing to harm another person, but because we think somehow it is going to make us feel better. And I hear you. I hear you saying, yeah. But, Lora, that’s selfish. Yes. It’s selfish, And it’s also human. And I’m not telling you to forgive and forget, and I’m not telling you to just move into this false positivity of Compassion and kumbaya, and let’s all have Thanksgiving dinner together.

 

Narrator [00:48:39]:

 

I’m not saying that. I’m saying all of this to help you heal. I’m saying all of this to let yourself off the hook. Forgiveness is something that you do for you. It’s not something you do for other people. Acceptance is for something you do for yourself. It’s not something for you do to to for do to other people. I’m saying this because I want you to have understanding that you’re not a victim.

 

Narrator [00:49:06]:

 

You weren’t victimized. You weren’t to blame. You were collateral damage In somebody else’s drama that is probably a sad, sick, little drama. And that sad, sick drama and pain doesn’t have to do with you. It has to do with The person who cheated and the person they cheated with, and it doesn’t excuse it. Please don’t ever think I’m saying it excuses it. I’m saying it because I want you to elevate. I want you to keep your dignity.

 

Narrator [00:49:52]:

 

I want you to keep your pride. I want you to elevate. This is not your problem. This is something you have to deal with, but it is not your fault. You didn’t cause it. You are not to blame. And part of the healing really has to do with putting everybody else in their rightful place And having some understanding around that rightful place. And a lot of that understanding does have to do with, we are not stereotypes.

 

Narrator [00:50:32]:

 

We do not deserve judgment from others, and that life is hard and complex. And the best thing we can do is to seek to understand all sides In service of helping and healing you. Not in service of helping or healing anybody else, but in service of helping and healing bring peace to your own heart. Bringing peace to your own heart. Thank you for listening. Please, really. Six sheets of paper, stereotypes of each, you, Your partner and the other woman, and then judgments that you have made against people who were cheated on, the cheater and the other woman, and pulling out that red pen a day or so later and correcting it just so your mind has something concrete and firm to grip onto So you can be grounded in reality, and so your heart can remain peace, build, calm, And true. So you can stand in your own integrity and truth, and heal.

 

Narrator [00:51:54]:

 

Have an amazing week, and always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more Not enough.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:52:05]:

 

To all the women who have cried in the shower, smiled when they wanted to scream, and couldn’t wait to get home and unhook their bra, Blonde is the definitive guidebook on how to get back in touch with who you are underneath your labels, roles, and scripts. Fall in love with yourself Right now, breathe life into the dreams you left behind and live each day with uninhibited joy. Pick up a copy of Lora number 1 best selling book, FLAUNT!. Drop your cover and reveal your smart, sexy, and spiritual self wherever Her books are sold. It’s available in print, digital, and audio formats and comes with 2 downloadable meditations.

 

Narrator [00:52:45]:

 

Are you ready to break through and find out what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal? If you were tired of the anguish, the pain, the confusion, The overwhelm or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your 1 on 1 Hour long breakthrough call, and together, we will figure out what you need to do to break Through and get to the other side of betrayal. During our time together, you can explain what’s going on with you. Together, we will figure out what it is that’s blocking you, whether it’s your partner’s stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you, Mindset, finances, concern about your kids. Whatever it is, together, we will figure out what that block is, And then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step And get to the other side of betrayal without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted And losing focus and wasting time, money, or your valuable energy. Isn’t it time for you to get where you want to be? On the other side of this horrific situation, Looking back with peace and perspective. When we get together, not only will you have that 1 on 1 hour Long Zoom call with me, but we’ll also record it so everything will be memorialized, and you always will have something to go back to So you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me So you won’t lose track, so you won’t get derailed.

 

Narrator [00:54:54]:

 

And so if you need something adjusted, Together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go to betrayal recovery guide.com and click on the pop up link, or reach out, Lora, l o r a, at Lora Cheadle, loracheadle.com, and let’s get you scheduled. I can’t wait to help you step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth and create exactly the kind of life that you love.

 

Narrator [00:55:40]:

 

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST on syndicated dream vision 7 radio network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth.com.