your questions about infidelity answered

What do you want to know about infidelity, betrayal, and affair recovery but are afraid to ask? Join Lora for an intimate deep dive into the truth about affairs, infidelity, and betrayal. Better yet, if your question was not answered, email Lora at and she will answer your questions during her next Q&A show!

Questions Answered in this episode:
  • Is there hope?
  • Is it always going to hurt so badly and feel like this?
  • Is this normal? Am I normal? How do I find normal again?
  • Should I have sex with my partner?
  • Did I cause this? What did I do wrong, and why didn’t I know?
  • Why should I try to make this work?



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Lora Cheadle is an infidelity survivor who uses the concepts in burlesque to help women reclaim their identity and self-worth after betrayal so they can move forward with confidence, embrace their sexy, and create a life they love!

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Transcript- Questions About Infidelity (53:41)



Lora Cheadle:

Hello there, welcome to FLAUNT! find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle. Yes, I am a survivor of Infidelity. And today, I’ve got a list of questions that people ask about affairs and infidelity. And what I’m going to do is I’m just going to go through that list of questions that people ask, and then I’m going to answer them. Why? Because there’s still such a stigma around being the victim of an affair, which I think is ridiculous. Because the person who cheated is the one who made the poor choice. The person who cheated is the one that did something wrong or out of integrity, the person who was being cheated on did not do anything wrong.


So why do we feel ashamed? Why do we feel like there’s still that stigma? Why do we feel like we can’t talk to people and ask questions and have our needs when we have been put in a situation that we didn’t choose, we didn’t plan, and we had no part of? That’s kind of crazy. And that’s kind of sad. And that is why I do what I do. I do what I do because when I went through the affair recovery journey, I felt all of those same things that you’re feeling. I felt shame, I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed and felt all of these different things. And it was hard to get the help and support that I needed.


Yes, I did counseling, and I did therapy. And that helped with certain things. Yes, I did some affair recovery. And that hurt helped with other things. Yes, it did energy work. Yes, I did all of these different things. Because there are all of these different pieces that we need to do to recover. But there was no comprehensive place where I could go and have all of my questions answered, and have my needs met in a way that healed me, that put me back together, and didn’t just put a Band-Aid on things, and tell me to just go forth and figure it out that I would get over what time. Because let me tell you, you won’t just get over it with time you need affair recovery. So that’s what today is about going through all of those questions. And hopefully, you will have all of your questions answered. If you don’t, I am going to do another question-and-answer show at the end of January. So, reach out and send me an email with your questions at}. And it’s (


Let me know your questions. And I will answer those if they have not been addressed today. On top of that, I do have a monthly support group where you can show up. you can get some of your questions answered there, you can listen to other infidelity survivors, and you can talk to other survivors. And you can get some questions answered there. And if you want more than that, if you deserve more than that, and let me tell you, you do deserve more than that. Go to And check out ways you can work with me at ( And check it out.


Is there hope?


But for now, let’s dive in and get some of these questions answered. Okay, I think the first question that I get the most opposite often is, “Is there hope?” And what I want to say is, “yes”, and what do you mean by hope? Is there a hope of saving your marriage? Is there a hope of saving yourself? Is there hope to go back to the way life was before the affair? That’s such a loaded question. And I get it all the time. And when I push back on people a little bit and challenge and try to get to the bottom what does that mean? What do people say most often? I don’t know. I just want to feel hopeful. I just want to feel hopeful about the situation, whatever hopeful means and I don’t even know what that is so “Is there hope? Yes.” And this is the perfect opportunity for you to start reading: Turning to yourself going back to your heart to your head to your spirit and asking yourself, hope for what? What do I want to accomplish? Is there hope for your marriage after an affair? Yes, there is hope for your marriage after an affair if both partners want that, and if both partners are capable of doing this self-reflection, and doing the steps in the work to make themselves different.


So yes, if there is hope, if your partner is not willing to do that, now not for your marriage, a marriage takes two… I’m going to be brutally honest, a marriage takes two people who both want a marriage, who both are mature enough intellectually and emotionally, to be able to self-reflect, with honesty, to be able to do the hard work and to be able to change their behavior.


And that’s all hard. It’s not difficult. But it’s hard. And without both people being willing to do all of that, then no, there is no hope for your marriage. So then, if your partner is not willing to do that, is there hope for you? “Oh, my gosh! yes” with or without your marriage, there is hope for you. I know you might not believe me now. But if they’re finding out your partner had an affair is truly one of the greatest catalysts for self-discovery and self-growth.


That is because it turns you and your life completely upside down. It pulls the rug out from under you, and it does shatter you. It shatters your belief in yourself, what you’re like, what you’re worth, what your marriage is like, your collective values, your view of the world, and your financial security. It shatters your memories, it shatters your future, like it is everything. And while that sounds horrible, because it is, is also truly a clean sweep. And absent a situation like this, very few of us have the opportunity for a complete breakdown and clean sweep of our identity. ourselves are situations, all of that.


“So is there hope for you?” Yes. It doesn’t matter what your partner does or does not do. There is tremendous hope for you now is your chance to truly create yourself who you want to be and to create your world exactly how you want to be. This is the greatest form of becoming. If there is, there is so much hope. There is so much joy at the end of this. On the other side of this journey, is everything you ever wanted for yourself. Everything that was ever taken from you.


All that power that we intentionally gave away, or inadvertently gave away because of the society that we live in. You could reclaim all of that. Because you have to reclaim all of that to fully heal. “So is there hope for you?” “Yes”, you have the hope not to be unsatisfied, and to feel free and complete. There is so much hope for you and it doesn’t matter what anybody around you does or says or doesn’t do. And that right there is what that hope is all about. It’s the ability to be okay to be happy and strong and powerful.


Is it always going to hurt this bad?


No matter what’s going on around you. Because it is within you, joy is inside you, and the power inside your self-worth is inside. So that is what you can hope for. And that’s what you can get on the other side of infidelity or betrayal. Oh, let’s see. The next question is, is it always gonna hurt as bad… Am I always gonna feel like this? And the answer is “No, it will not always hurt this bad.” The first few days are completely unbearable. The first three months or so it’s like a fog, a bad dream that you cannot wake up from the whole first year, with all the anniversaries and all of the first is extraordinarily painful. It also hurts because you’re still maybe relying on another person to make decisions about your relationship and how you’re going to move forward. But let me tell you a couple of things first, grief fades, and memories fade. And that’s a good thing. You’re gonna see more about this. But memories do fade.


You have the ability to renew those memories, time and time and time and time. Again, if you think about that one thing every day, it becomes a permanent, ingrained thing that is etched in your memory in the energetic field of your body. And you’re going to keep renewing it and keep renewing it and keep renewing it and you’re going to keep feeling bad about it. And if you process that, think about it. Yes, you can obsess for a while.


But then at some point, things get busy. You move on. It might not even be that you’re consciously saying I’m not going to think about the affair today. It might just be that you’ve been busy. Something’s going on. And then all of a sudden you think “Woah, I didn’t think about that for a day”,  then you didn’t think about it for two days. And then before you know it a week goes by and then a month, or when you do remember something, it’s just a small blip.


And then it fades more quickly than before. That will happen. memories fade, know you’re not going to feel like this forever. And be sure to consciously not always be renewing the worst, the trauma. I’m not saying cover it up. But I’m not saying don’t consciously keep bringing it back, bring it back for a while. That’s part of the healing and feeling process. But after a while, just let it float away because it will, it totally will.


In addition to that, when you were doing affair recovery work, when you are listening to podcasts, working with a coach, talking to a therapist, reading books, working, doing the work, self-reflecting, exploring things that have come up around you will also fade because you will have a resolution. When we have unanswered questions in our brains, the brain opens a loop. Why did this happen? What does this mean? How can I get through this? What’s next? For me? All of those questions are open loops in the brain. The brain seeks to close loops. We are meaning-making machines and the brain seeks to close loops and find answers. That’s called processing. So, it can move on.


As your brain finds answers, and as these loops close, boom, your brain will not need to chew on it anymore. So, as you start gaining some understanding and the power of a coach or therapist, somebody can say, “Oh, whoa, do you see that this is…” In my case, what caused a lot of my husband’s behaviors around having affairs was having a traumatic childhood. Being an adult child of alcoholics and feeling like he is always going to be abandoned. Having the inability to identify and express his feelings. There’s like all of these things.


And I understand why in his mind and for his reality based on his experience and his truth. Why did it make sense to him? Maybe not made sense, but why was it plausible that he would think an affair might solve some of those problems? A loop just closes up in my brain, I get it. Like, I don’t get it in my heart, but I get it in my head. “Okay, I get it to loop closed. I don’t have to think about it.”


My brain doesn’t have to think about it. So as decisions get made, yes, I’m going to stay. Yes, I’m going to leave. Yes, I’m going to move. Yes, it’s whatever. As decisions get made and loops close in your brain, you won’t think about it, and then you won’t feel bad anymore, because you will be moving on and new loops will be opening and you’ll be focusing on other things.


Is this normal? Is what I am going through normal?


Third question: Is this normal? Am I am feeling normal? Is this experience normal?


Well, we could talk a decade on this, let me just say, statistically speaking, affairs are very common. Statistically speaking affairs are very common. I hate to say that because I don’t want to normalize bad behavior or bad choices. I don’t want to normalize and have people think, incorrectly, that Oh, it’s just something that happened. And at the same time, I don’t want to stigmatize affairs because they are so common. Because an affair typically is born out of unprocessed unhealed trauma. Having an affair is almost a trauma response in itself. And again, all affairs are different. Sometimes it’s not. So, I don’t want to make any blanket statement. But so often, an affair happens because somebody is hurt, and they don’t know how to deal with their pain. “Hurt, people, hurt people.”


“Hurt people, hurt people” was my favorite phrase in my affair recovery journey. And it’s something that I say so much to the people that I coach and work with. Because it does help you to understand why this happened? Is this normal? Am I crazy? Is my spouse crazy? No. Hurt people, hurt people. And sadly, in our world, it’s normal to have a lot of pain and unprocessed trauma. And in that regard, it is normal. Mental health challenges are normal. It’s sad, but it’s true. People having affairs is normal. It’s sad, but it’s true. Hurt people, hurt people.


You’ve heard the phrase “Crap rolls downhill” It does. And being the victim of an affair is just oftentimes generational trauma rolling downhill and rolling downhill until blam. It hits you and what are you going to do? What are you gonna do with that big pile of crap that has just hit you? Are you going to transmute it and heal it and stop the pain? Or are you going to perpetuate it? Are you going to revenge cheat? Are you going to just bear the all indignant and not look at yourself? Just point the finger at everything your spouse did wrong and his family did wrong and the other woman did wrong? Or are you going to look in the mirror and do some of your healing? An Inner work not that you are to blame because you are not to blame. And you also have inner work to do because every human does. We are not gurus who are sitting on top of the mountain living in a state of perfection.


When you were hit with that crap, all you have is a choice. Your choice is to heal and transmute it or to perpetuate the pain. And if you’re not looking at yourself, if you’re not doing a lot of work, chances are you will perpetuate that pain either for yourself and in your own life or for your kids. And I know if you’re anything like me, the last thing you want to do is hand down any more generational trauma to your kids than they may already have, because again, sadly, it’s normal. The way you’re feeling is normal if you feel completely psychotic and schizophrenic, and one moment, you’re totally in love, and the next moment you’re totally in hate. And one moment you want to stay in the other moment, you’re packing your bags.


You’re normal. Here’s another of my favorite phrases, “an abnormal response to an abnormal situation is normal.” An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is normal. How the heck would any of us know how to deal with finding out that our partner had an affair? “Oh, my God, that’s not normal.” That’s not something we grow up thinking and preparing for one day. After 23 years of what I thought was a happy marriage, I’m going to be blindsided. Because the person that I know loves and trusts the most in the world will have stabbed me in the back repeatedly. Nobody prepares for that. Nobody prepares for that. How would we know how to respond? What’s the normal response to that? “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry for your pain, let’s talk, that’s not normal.” It’s normal, that you’re psychotic, it’s normal that you’re all over the map is normal that you hate your partner, and then that you love your partner, and that you think you are repulsed, and you will never want to have sex again. And then all you want to do is have sex with them. Everything you are feeling is normal.


Why? Because you were hit with the biggest betrayal, the biggest abnormality on the planet. So however, you’re feeling is normal. But going back to what I said before, it’s also up to you to address because the feelings that you’re feeling are yours. And it’s up to you to address this.


Should I have sex with my partner who cheated?


This flows well into that next question. And that is, should I have sex with my spouse? My partner has had an affair? Should I be having sex with them? No right or wrong answer to that.


The only thing I want you to be aware of is why? Ask yourself why? Why am I doing this? So often, wanting to have sex with your partner is a form of claiming that I will prove to you how good I am. I will remind you of this great connection we have. I’m going to put my claws in you and I’m going to keep you with me. I’m not saying that’s wrong.


All I’m saying is to identify it for yourself and ask yourself, why do I want this? Do you want it as an attempt to bond? Do you want it as an escape? That you’re doing all this affair recovery work? It is so fucking hard. And sometimes you just want to let go and move into something that used to be pleasant and enjoyable. That’s fine, too. You can say hey, let’s call a hiatus to all this. Fighting or processing. Let’s just have a night of connection. That’s all okay. I just want you to identify it for yourself. Are you doing it to prove your worth? “Oh, you’ll go a little deeper.” If that’s the answer. I’m doing this because I want to prove how good I am. He’s going to miss what he could have had. If you’re doing this for any reasons that put you on the underside, they put you on the improving, I’m showing I’m seeking to be worthy.


If there’s anything around readiness for you, that is the only caution that I would have. And I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m just saying to be aware. If you think it’s about your self-worth. Because what else about your self-worth? You’re going to get hurt. You will be hurt. I can guarantee that. Because whenever we are trying to get somebody else to validate how good we are, it means we’re not enough inside and nobody else can pour that much into us, ever.


We have to validate ourselves first. I know I am the best thing you ever had. I know that I am worthy. I know that despite our problems, there are still some really good things here. I wish you felt the way about me that I want you to feel about me. fill yourself up, validate yourself. And don’t seek to have somebody else do it. Because especially in vulnerable states, something will be said or done, or a memory will come into you. And it’s just going to hurt you. Now, on the flip side, if you are completely repulsed, and want nothing to do with your partner physically, perfect.


There is no right or no wrong. You can feel however you want to feel. You don’t have to have sex. You don’t have to hold hands. You don’t have to kiss. You don’t have to cuddle. You don’t have to do whatever you want. Don’t want to do it because you have sovereignty and autonomy and agency over your body or your heart, over your mind over your spirit, but over your body. And don’t you ever let anyone push you to do something that you don’t want to do? And just like I was saying if you want to have sex be mindful if it’s about self… self-worth, if you don’t want to have sex, be mindful if it’s about control. If you don’t want to have sex, be mindful if it’s about control, and here’s why. As we know sex is powerful.


Somebody has been faithful sex is the thing. That’s the issue. Yes, there are all the emotional pieces too but sex is the thing. So, if all of a sudden you’re withholding sex as a power move, even subconsciously, that’s when like, think about it, think about it, think about it. If you’re withholding it as a power move that’s not healthy. That’s passive aggression. That means you’re not speaking your truth.


That means there’s something inside thy’re not saying. And if you’re not saying it, your partner can’t hear it. And if your partner can’t hear it, they can’t know what’s going on. And you can’t move forward in connection. And you might not even know. If it feels like a punishment and punishing them. I know they love having sex, and I’m going to punish them. They did it with somebody else, and they’re not going to do it with me, and you’re punishing them. It’s not gonna go well. So just ask yourself, even subconsciously, is this some sort of manipulation? Is this a power move? Is this passive aggression? Is this punishment? You don’t want to go there.


And if that’s the case, no, I’m not saying go against your own, you know, thoughts and desires and wishes and have sex anyway. It’s not what I’m saying. But I’m saying you got to start having a conversation. And if it can’t be with your partner, this is where a coach or a therapist can come in, to help you untangle, to help you pick apart, to help you figure out, okay, what is this? What are some things that you can do that will help you communicate the confusion, and your conflicting feelings, and come up with a solution that is a win-win? So, you can express maybe some of your anger with your spouse in a more constructive way. And then it will allow you to have that intimacy to move forward. Having helped truly is invaluable. And I’m just going to foot stomp this having helped from someone who has been there being what’s transformative. I don’t care who the expert is, if they haven’t been there, and they don’t know how it feels with all those conflicting feelings.


They’re helping you from their headspace, from their research. They’re not helping you from a combination of head and heart. They’re not uniting the healing. They’re conveying information. There are spotting issues, and they’re conveying information that is traditionally believed to help. Great, but healing doesn’t take place in our heads. Healing takes place in our hearts and our energy fields and our body’s healing takes place in our whole being.


And that’s why recovering from affairs is so hard for so many people to do. They get headspace help from somebody who hasn’t been there who hasn’t experienced who has no idea what you’re going through, but they are an expert. They have read all the books. They’ve worked with a lot of people and they’ve talked it all up. Sorry, folks, “that doesn’t do it.”


And like I said, I’m gonna foot stomp this, if you truly want to heal, you’ve got to work with someone who has been there two because they will heal you. They will find the integration of the heart, the spirit body, the mind, and the emotion and they will move you forward in ways that somebody who has not been there simply can’t do.


What did I do wrong? Did I cause my partner’s affair?


Let’s go back down. Okay, the next question is, what did I do wrong? Did I cause my partner’s affair? A blanket statement, “No.” A blanket statement you did not cause this and you didn’t do anything wrong. Period. And where are some contributing factors? Yes. Did you do some things wrong in a relationship with a marriage? Of course, who doesn’t? You don’t deserve any blame. Your partner cannot blame you; you don’t take that. They will, they will try. Whenever somebody is blaming you for something, it means that they don’t want to own their feelings and emotions around it.


It means I can’t figure this out, I don’t have the strength to deal with it, I don’t dare to say it or to feel it, I can’t feel that pain. So, I’m just deflecting it’s wishes and then putting them on you. I did well because you’re a bitch. I did because you never listened. It didn’t. Because you, you, you, you, you, you translate all of that too I did it because I can’t feel my pain.


I did it because I can’t process my trauma. Because I can’t state that I do want to get out of this marriage and that I’m done. Whenever somebody deflects something onto you, it shows a deficiency in them, something that they can’t say, or they can’t say “Oh.” And notice that I said, sometimes people do want to get out of a marriage. Sometimes people want a divorce. And that’s okay. It’s just that sometimes they’re too chicken to say it.


Sometimes they lack the courage to say, I don’t want to be married anymore. This feels like a mistake. This is not what I want. We all have agency over ourselves, we can all make those decisions. Just because we committed to somebody at some point doesn’t mean that we truly have to stay there forever, we can always change our minds. But what we can’t do, what we shouldn’t do, is use an excuse to get out of it. So, if your partner cheated is an excuse to get out of a marriage. It’s not that you were a bad partner, it’s that they couldn’t own up to their truth. They were too chicken to say it and to face the consequences. And that’s their problem, not yours.


My husband cheated a lot because he said he didn’t get enough validation because he didn’t know how to validate himself because he was terrified that I was going to leave. Because every time things were too good because of his childhood and all this trauma. He couldn’t cope with things just being calm. So he would stir up the stuff and be afraid that I was gonna leave a bla… bla… bla… bla… bla. That’s not my problem. Those are his demons. That’s his inability to express. “That’s him. Him and only him. Not me, me me. Did I do things wrong?” You betcha.


Did I know how to handle his trauma? “No, I didn’t even know how to identify it.” “I didn’t know what trauma was.” I thought he was an angry man. It wasn’t until later that I heard whenever somebody was angry. Look under it. See how it’s scary and painful. Whoa, I didn’t know that. I just said he was an angry man. Would that have helped me? Possibly. That’s where I can grow. Now I know when somebody’s angry, look underneath and find the hurt. Now I’m aware now I’m trauma aware? “Yeah, I’ve grown.” Did that do my inability to understand trauma? Or know what anger was about? Did that cause the affair? No, it was a contributing factor. My lack of awareness was a contributing factor.


My ways of picking… pick… pick… pick… pick, to kind of motivate him to try to bring him in because I was feeling insecure and neglected. That created more trauma which created more division. That division is something that also led to the affairs. Was that the cause? No. It’s a contributing factor to some of the dissatisfaction. It’s a contributing factor to some of the things that happened. I did not cause the affair and neither did you.


So being able to separate, sure these contribute to it, but unless you are standing there, and unless you were saying “you go make this choice right now” unless you’re choosing for somebody that choice. It’s not your choice. You didn’t make the choice. You didn’t text somebody or reach out to somebody or meet somebody in a hotel or bring something you didn’t choose that they did. And their choices are their choice, just like your choice is your choice.


There are a lot of contributing factors that go into making a choice, but the choice is theirs and you did not cause it. This is the big one.


Why should I try to make my marriage work?


Why should I try to make this work? When this is not my problem, it was not my choice. And somebody else came in and the train wrecked my life. Why should I try?  Because what you don’t heal from, you repeat. What you don’t process, you repeat. What you don’t transform and transmute, you pass on to others. You have a wound. If you had a physical wound a gash across your arm and it was bleeding.


You would cover that wound, you would heal that wound, you would put antibiotics on that wound, you might go to the doctor and have it cleaned and stitched. You might have antibiotics, you would heal your wound because you would have this huge gash in your arm, you would heal up for yourself, and you would try to heal it for yourself.


Why should you try to make it work? You should try to make it work to the extent that you are healing yourself. If you are just in the same way as if you had a physical wound, it’s not that you are seeking to make work with this partner at the expense of yourself. It’s that you’re seeking to make it work with this partner. So, you can both heal and grow and understand. You were in this accident together. You both see it from different sides. Because you’re on completely different sides here. Who better to sit down with to talk with than the other person who was involved with you? You should make it work so you can have a better understanding of what went wrong. What do I need to look at in myself? What kind of things do I need to learn and understand? Now, what can I do to make myself better? And also, because when you’ve been in this boom, train wreck, and you’re both cleaning up the pieces, you can clean it up faster when two people are cleaning them when there’s one person.


And also, when you’re putting it back together and you’re building it with somebody else, you are co-creating your marriage. This is relationship 2.0. This is life 2.0. And you’re building with somebody and you for the first time maybe ever are truly building this vision together. If you’re anything like “I was” unlike my husband you know, you get married and you have this general idea.


But you’re young and you’re naive. And you don’t know because you haven’t lived in life. And you’re building things together. And then you don’t communicate around things and trauma comes up and experiences come up that things happen. And it’s hard. “So, bam! here we are.” We’re in this accident together. Now we have the chance to rebuild everything exactly the way we jointly want it. You can have new tasks: you’re renegotiating the marriage contract.


You are renegotiating the relationship contract. This is what I want going forward. I didn’t know that was going to be a problem before. But now this is what I want. This is what I need to be clear about. This is what you need to do. This is what I need to do. This is what we need to do. So why should you try to make it work? Because you have the opportunity for the marriage of your dreams now because you’re not starting fresh with somebody whose baggage you don’t know, whose triggers you don’t know, whose history you don’t know. Now you have this huge history with this person, you know, absolutely the worst of them. You know everything about them and you’ve been in this together and you can create absolutely. The marriage of your dreams which I think in a lot of ways is even safer than a new relationship because you’ve been there. You’ve been to hell and back.


You both know the way. You both know what got you there? Do you know how not to go back? So why should you try to make it work? Because right now you’ve got the most potential for the happiest relationship than you may ever have in your life. Going back to the very first question, though, only if both of you are willing to do that. This is not an invitation for you to create this fairy tale in your mind. And to be thinking “I will change my partner; I’m going to make them think.” This is not that.


This is if you are both willing, so should you try? “Of course,”. If it’s in your heart to try, try, because you are poised right now to have the best relationship ever. If your partner is willing, and that’s not saying, try at your own expense. That’s not to say I think that you can change somebody else. That’s not saying to cover up your wishes and desires. Open kimono let’s be vulnerable, raw, and each state exactly what we want and see if we can build something, that’s what you should try.


Because you’re probably never going to be at this place, again, where you truly have the opportunity to create exactly what you want. So that is why you should try. Starting to decide “what I want to do.” I have a whole list of questions that point more towards the spouse, like what questions you should ask, why won’t my partner admit what’s going on? What do I need to know? And thinking? I’m just going to put all of those together. And do that. I think I want to stick with questions more about you. I think where I want to end today’s show is by specifically asking or answering.


What is affair recovery? How can affair recovery help me?


What is affair recovery? And then how can it help me? Because I’ve answered a few questions here. And there are really good questions for you to think about. I recommend journaling on them. If you want to go back and listen to the show, write them down and then do some journaling on them. But I want to be clear and specific about what is in their recovery, and what it’s not. And what can I do for you? Affair recovery is a very deep personal growth experience.


Affair recovery is what you do for yourself. It is not marriage recovery. It is not a partnership recovery. It is a recovery for you. Going back to what I said you’ve got that wound, you know a gash on your arm. If you don’t tend to that wound, you’re gonna bleed all over people. You’re gonna take off your coat and a scab are gonna come off and you’re gonna start bleeding on people on the floor and things. Look you’re gonna bleed on people. But drawing the parallel emotionally. That’s that crap that you’re going to transfer on to other people, your kids, your family, your friends, your work relationship. If you are not healed inside if this scar from this complete devastation and shattering of yourself in your life is not healed. It’s gonna bleed.


It’s gonna bleed on other people and it’s going to impact them. And you as the one bleeding will constantly be embarrassed, managing, and changing your behavior. You won’t be free to be you because you’re always gonna be like, “Oh, I can’t do that. The scab will come off my arm.” Whoop! I can’t do that. It hurts. Whoop! I can’t do that; I might bleed on the floor. Whoop! I can’t bear that bleeding. Whoop! Not gonna do that. The recovery is for you. It’s about healing the wound in you. I like to say that betrayal reveals the truth. Not only about the other person, but about the wound inside of you that you need to heal. And I don’t care if it is a wound from childhood or adulthood, or if your first wounding was the affair, if you are wounded, you need to heal that wound. Affair recovery is about healing that wound for you. So, you can be free. So, you can be happy.


So, you won’t be obsessed, so you won’t feel like damaged goods for the rest of your life. So, you won’t always be feeling broken and thinking that you’re broken. So, you will be seeking other people to make you whole. So, you won’t get into toxic and dysfunctional relationships going forward. So, you might attract the wrong kind of partner. The benefits are so far-reaching because it’s everything about you.


It can help your career, it can help your relationship, it can help your body, your health, it can help your weight because you won’t be doing things like stress eating. It can make you healthier because you’re not holding tension. No part of your life will not be impacted by affair recovery. And no part of your life will not be damaged. If you don’t do it. None of us would walk around with a gouge on our arm, or a gouge across our face and never seek to heal it.


So why would we think I can just divorce him and be done? I don’t need healing, “I’m just gonna find somebody new.” Yes, you need healing. Otherwise, if you’re going to find somebody new, you’re going to replay this, because that’s the thing. You will replay every level of drama that you don’t heal with another person, whether it’s your parents, a romantic relationship, your kids or your co-workers, or your boss, you’re going to replay this unless you heal it. So, what is affair recovery, it’s for you. It’s for you to heal any wounds inside of you. So, you can be free. So, you can quit striving to fix yourself. So, you can quit the incessant self-improvement and find a new relationship. And I’m just going to lose 10 pounds and….. So, you can just be free to be you. And so, you can finally freak be happy. That’s what affair recovery is.


  1. And too often, especially in our Quick-Fix society, “I’m just gonna get a new house, I’m just going to take care of myself, I’m just going to find a new relationship, I’m just going to start dating again, I’m just going to catch yourself, I’m just going to what? I’m just going to what? How about I just take the time and space and invest the money and time and energy into healing myself so that I don’t need anything else? I don’t need revenge relationships; I don’t need a revenge body. Because they’re happy and satisfied and completely okay with me. That’s what affair recovery is.


It gives you a shot. It gives you the only shot at true happiness and true freedom and true connection and true relationships. And if you’re thinking you do want to stay with your partner, unless you heal that wound yourself, you’re just gonna be building another dysfunctional relationship. And that’s one of the things that people say, will my partner cheat again? Well, if you haven’t done the work, they might.


Not that we’re responsible for somebody else, but what we are responsible for is our healing and our vibration and our ability to communicate, and our ability to be wise. If we’re not healing it, if we’re just putting a Band-Aid on and putting a smile on our face and being like, Oh, we’re so happy now. You’re lying to yourself. And if it happens again, I’m not promising either way. But the chances of something going wrong if you’re just lying to yourself and for gifting and forgetting the chances of things going wrong then are high. You got to do the work. They created the problem. They wrecked the train. And now you have to do the work. Is that fair? Depends on how you define fairness. It’s not fair. But it’s a gift. I would have never looked at myself in these ways. And this tree is not wrecked in this particular fashion. And I bet that’s true for you as well.


What are you going to do with this?


So, the last question I will leave you with is what are you going to do with this? What are you going to do with this? If you have more questions, send them to me, ( and I will answer them. The next time I do a question-and-answer show.


In the meantime, go to {} and explore what healing yourself, and your wound might look like for you. And we would love to work with you. It would be an absolute honor.


Have an incredible week. I look forward to connecting with you. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are. Because who you are is always more than enough.