Parenting through infidelity or betrayal

What do you tell your kids about infidelity? What if the affair partner is going to be involved in your children’s life? How do you explain your emotions to your child? How do you pull it together enough to parent when your heart is broken and your life is falling apart? Dr. Lynyetta Willis, a psychologist with a background in trauma and infidelity, is here to help you be the best parent you can throughout your infidelity journey.

Top take-a-ways
  • Three factors to consider in explaining infidelity to your child in a way that will help and not cause harm.
  • How to check your motivations, especially when the affair partner is going to involved in your children’s life, and what to do when you’ve made a humongous parenting mistake.
  • Why awareness is your superpower – both in parenting and in life – and how to stay present and connected to your children in spite of the infidelity.

    Download your Betrayal Recovery Tool Kit at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com and take the first steps in feeling okay again, despite what’s going on around you.

About Dr. Lynyetta Willis

Dr. Willis is a psychologist and family empowerment coach for frustrated families. Her clients are competent in quite a few areas of their lives but often feel disconnected, resentful, tired, frustrated, stuck, inadequate, or helpless when it comes to strengthening their marriage or their relationship with their kids. They feel a deep calling to grow, both personally and as a family, but worry about getting it right when they struggle with guilt, doubt, self-judgement, overwhelm, or rely on unhelpful patterns they experienced growing up. Dr. Willis helps them transform unhelpful patterns and stable misery cycles, so they can strengthen those relationships that matter most, stay connected and continue growing. Learn more at www.HealingStableMisery.com or take the parenting trigger test at www.mytriggerscore.com  and find out your parenting trigger score.

 

Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again. Learn More & Apply Here! www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com

 

About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT

 

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

 

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FLAUNT!: Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self, author Lora Cheadle

 

Purchase Lora’s book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self on Amazon, IndieBound or wherever books are sold.

Take the Lead in the Dance of Life, Strip out of the Past, and Choreograph Your Future Today!

 

 

 

Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

 

You’re listening to FLAUNT!!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:

 

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love After infidelity and betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and one of the things that I hear a lot From people who are facing infidelity is that they are concerned about the impact that the infidelity is going to have on their kids. Not only that, they are concerned about their own ability to parent while going through infidelity because suddenly the rug has been pulled out from under them And all of their internal resources and external resources are going to support themselves. And if you’re anything like me, you know that Taking care of kids no matter what their age, no matter what the number of kids you have is exhausting, and it takes a lot. So that’s what we’re gonna talk about today. My guest is doctor Lynyetta Willis. She’s a psychologist and family empowerment coach For frustrated parents, her clients are competent in quite a few areas of life But often feel disconnected, resentful, tired, frustrated, stuck, inadequate, that’s a big one, isn’t it, or helpless when it comes to strengthening their relationship with their kids.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:01:50]:

 

For people feel a deep calling to grow, both personally and as a family unit, but worry about getting it right. They struggle with guilt, Doubt, self judgment, overwhelm, and oftentimes rely on unhelpful patterns, The same unhelpful patterns that they experienced growing up. Her superpower is helping them transform those unhelpful patterns into strengths so they can strengthen the relationships that matter most, stay connected, And continue growing both as individuals and as parents. I know you are going to find All of her wisdom, so useful, both now during the infidelity recovery journey And also later once this journey is behind you in your entire tenure as a parent. So with that, I’d like for you to talk a little bit about what it is like to be a parent who is experiencing this Hugely traumatic situation and has to parent in what we can do. Yeah.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:03:08]:

 

So This is hard. I used to work when I was in private practice. I mainly do coaching now. But when I was in private practice, Working with couples who were dealing with infidelity was 1, was a it was a specialty area I just kinda tripped into. And One thing that was consistent was this sense of A need to continue to function in day to day life, but dealing with this deep wound that Many times, there is shame, guilt, fear around sharing with other people. You know? Like, if you have a physical wound, if you get to a car accident or something like that. A lot of times you go out and you’ll talk to other people, and you’ll tell other people what happened because this was a trauma that happened. And now I’m healing, and you’ll get all of this, you know, feedback and support.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:04:05]:

 

But when it comes to infidelity In other types of betrayal, many couples feel like, I don’t know who to tell. You know? I’m ashamed, or I don’t know how people respond, or I haven’t made a decision on whether or I wanna stay or go, and I don’t wanna be judged. Right? So there’s a lot of internalization of what’s happening and having to deal with it personally. So what I often find happens to a lot of couples, if they weren’t there already, they funnel into what I like to call stable misery, Which is that sense of usually, I say, you’re not in crisis, but, you’re unfulfilled. But this is a heightened level of that where there is an internal crisis, and stable misery actually becomes a default mode that Those who are in betrayal mode can flip into to try to maintain some sense of, Consistency. So instead of because we can’t stay in that heightened sense of reactivity 247, 365. So So we kind of drop down to the state where, you know, we lean into what’s familiar, what we know, what we understand, what makes sense. And sometimes we that we don’t always deal with the betrayal trauma that we’re facing at the same time.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:05:28]:

 

So it’s like, I’m gonna hyperfocus on work. I’m gonna hyperfocus on kids, or I’m gonna hyperfocus on the house, or I’m gonna hyperfocus on right? Meanwhile you know? And that’s great. That’s where stable misery becomes a protective habit. But the the flip side of that is that there’s still this, deep trauma that’s there that’s not being dealt with, and that can have a deep impact on, a person’s nervous system and how they regulate their emotions, how present they can be in the moment. Because another coping mechanism when we experience a trauma is to dissociate or or not be present with our feelings in our body sensations because sometimes it’s too intense. And especially if the person is still in the home with you and you see them every day, and that can lead to Flashbacks and just moments where you’re just like, I just went off on you, and I was not expecting that. Right? So a lot of reactivity. So it’s almost like your body and your brain don’t even feel like your own.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:06:27]:

 

Yeah. I totally I can totally relate to that feeling of your body and brain not feeling like your own. What I’m hearing you say is stable misery can be healthy in a way because it’s protective, because it does help you maintain that level of consistency. So your kids are not riding this trauma with you. But at the same time, it’s a place that we don’t want to stay in forever. We want to still be able to deal With our trauma and to move through things. Is that what it is?

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:06:56]:

 

Exactly. 100%. Stable misery I always say stable misery is a really great place to be if you feel like your life is potentially in chaos or crisis. Yeah. It’s it’s so when people fall into that Space is not necessarily a bad thing. But staying there, like you said, can, I mean, it’s just it’s It’s almost like resigning to a life of unfulfillment and frustration because you’re miserable, which that’s not what we wanna do either?

 

Lora Cheadle [00:07:26]:

 

Yeah. Oh, I I I’m really glad that you meant that because went there because that is what I hear so often. People will say, I’m not happy, but I don’t wanna give up the house. I don’t wanna have to go back to work and put my kids in daycare. I haven’t worked for 10 years. By the time I get trained to get a career and get my feet on the ground, I might as well stay. We have assets together. We have a business together.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:07:49]:

 

We have I love his family. He loves mine. There’s a lot of people who want to stay for a lot of really valid reasons, but at the same time, they’re cutting out their Soul. They’re denying themselves in order to stay, and that doesn’t feel fair either.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:08:05]:

 

No. It doesn’t. And I think that’s why it’s important for people to get help and support. You know, I mean, having at least 1 person that you can talk to with this, preferably someone who’s trained, is is good Because what I found is when you go to your best friend or you go to a family member, what ends up happening is they end up wanting to protect you, And they’re gonna fall on one side or the other. You know? Like, stay, stick it out, or You need to leave. You know? Why are you doing this? Or if they’re neutral, they’re not helpful. Right? So it’s It’s like, I’m just gonna repeat back and nod and smile at you. You know? So getting with someone who understands this dynamic To help you flow through it in a present minded conscious way is really important because here’s the thing, and I know you’ve said this too.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:09:00]:

 

It’s like you don’t have to make a decision right now On what you’re gonna do with the house and the car and the kids and the dog and the truck and the like, you don’t have to go there. Like, matter of fact, when we’re in our trauma when Our brain is in a traumatized state. I would say that’s probably the last time you need to be making huge life altering decisions. So getting Some help being able to take time to get safe, you know, whatever that means for you, And give yourself time to really just be present With where you are, what’s going on in and around you so that you can make a decision that’s right for you regarding the relationship.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:09:44]:

 

Yeah. Yeah. You know, there’s, like, 15 different directions I wanna go right now. So I’m making some little notes because I’d like to come back to them, but be present. I I wanna start there because I feel like that is probably the most important thing we can do as parents is just to be present with our kids. And I feel like when I went through this with my boys, Obviously, they had their own trauma because of the situation, and I was not completely functioning Because of my trauma with this situation, and I feel like some of our most precious times, and I’ll cry just thinking about it, but when we were just together And we weren’t doing anything, and I wasn’t, like, actively parenting, and we weren’t having these conversations, but we were just very present With our confusion and with our pain, and sometimes we would just hug each other, and sometimes we’d cry, and sometimes we would just watch a Star Trek episode, But we were just together.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:10:49]:

 

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, giving I mean, I go back to the car accident example. Well, you know, if you were in a car accident and you got hurt, you wouldn’t be like, oh, I’m gonna get up tomorrow, and I’m gonna go to yoga, and I’m gonna go to Grocery store. I’m gonna go around. I’m gonna, you know, play and dance and do all the things for my no. You’d sit your butt down. He would heal.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:11:12]:

 

Right? And so and and you would give yourself, hopefully, some grace around the fact that you’re not being supermom or superdad in those moments. Right? And so this is that same thing, like, being able to I love I talk about this all the time. I have a Parenting program called trigger to transform for parents who wanna raise their kids differently than they were raised, but struggle with the the triggers and the overwhelm. And I one thing I say all the time is, you know, follow your impulse. You know, what’s your impulse around that? And when we’re healing, What that often looks like is and what I mean by that is, you know, really check-in. Like, what do you need? Are you hungry? Do you have to pee? Right? Like, getting back to basics. I’m talking like that bottom level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Right? And if you can just be present with those types of things, right, then that will help you to be present in the moment.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:12:08]:

 

If I’m focusing on, do I have to pee? I’m in the present moment. If I’m focused on you know, if I step outside and I’m focused on the wind hitting my face, I’m in the present moment. You know, whatever I’m doing that’s allowing me to Tune in to my body sensations. What’s going on around me? That’s key. And like you said, even with your kids, you don’t have to be I mean, even if Without betrayal traumas, you don’t have to be 3 on 36. I can’t be on that all that time. Right? Yeah. So even if you just set Certain times and say, okay.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:12:42]:

 

From 5 to 5:30, I’m gonna be focused, and I’m gonna be present with the kids, and we’re gonna do you know, we’re gonna play with Legos, We’re gonna go on a walk, or maybe it’s 5 to 5:15 or 5:10. Right? Like, whatever you can start with giving yourself grace to say, like, I gotta follow my impulse here, and I have to give myself, like, what’s the most that I can muster right now to be able to be present? I mean, being on autopilot To get the kids up, get them to school, get them, you know, lunches, get dinner fixed. Okay. You know? But in finding those moments where you can be present, be focused, creating that time, and then being able to Get help? The help that you need for you is going to be important. You wouldn’t have a broken leg and then sit there and try to heal it yourself. Go to a freaking doctor, and you’d have them set it for you. You know? So make sure you do that for yourself, and that’s the Best you can do for your child, actually.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:13:45]:

 

Yeah. And then what’s the point? Exactly. And I’m glad you went there because that was another one of the paths that I wanted to go down is I appreciate so much how you said get help. And I want to layer on top of that, Get help and get a lot of help and get continued sustained help. My sweet spot is really coming in and working with women after they have sat down with A psychologist, a psychotherapist, a counselor, somebody, you know, trained in trauma. They’ve gone through that. They’ve gone through that initial wave, And now they have a handle on it. They can still be getting help, but and now they want somebody to walk by their side To complete this journey so they don’t just say, okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:14:38]:

 

Well, crisis is over, but now I’m not gonna do physical therapy. The bone has been broken. It’s set, but it’ll be fine from now on. No. This is like physical therapy. I will walk by you. I will continue to push you. I will continue to give tools so you can create a life you love on your own term.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:14:57]:

 

I’ve been there too. I I know where it what it’s like to get stuck. So it’s not that been there, done that, I talked to a counselor once. Been there, done that, I talked to my minister. Been there, done that, I sought coach. Continue to get that help because healing is a journey. It’s not at 4 o’clock on Friday 29th, you will heal. Bing.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:15:18]:

 

It’s over. It’s

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:15:20]:

 

continue. Amazing.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:15:22]:

 

Wouldn’t it be nice? And And, also, what happens to so many of the people that I work with is they heal, quote, unquote, the betrayal trauma. They heal the infidelity. Well, that’s just the tip of the iceberg because now we have to go through those layers. What led up to this in the marriage in the 1st place? What led up to this in you in the 1st place? What what is the whole ancestral lineage that you have been carrying around? Because now we get to deal with all of that. And I say get to, not have to, because it is a beautiful gift to be able to go through this and to unpack All of these layers. So thank you for saying get help, get qualified help, and get a lot of it because, no, you wouldn’t break your leg and be like, you know, best Best of luck to me.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:16:11]:

 

I’m just gonna sit here for the rest of my life. I let my light do whatever it’s gonna do. Yeah. Yeah. Don’t do that. As somebody who walked on a broken foot for 2 weeks before she realized it was broken, that’s not a good idea. It does not help. And, you know, The other thing that I hear a lot, I wanna say, so you’re like the helpful friend.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:16:29]:

 

You’re like, you’re the one that people want to connect with. If you’ve done the work and you’ve been through the process and you have a you’re present enough with yourself to be able to, Stand by the person and with walk with them and journey with them without pressuring them in any one direction or another. Right. Which I think is a fantastic sweet spot, and we don’t really have that in our life when we experience things like this for sure. The other thing that I hear a lot of is, What do I and I think you alluded to this in the intro. Like, what do I do with the kids? Do we tell the kids? Do we not tell the kids? How do we engage the kids when we’re going through all this? And, you know, one thing that I always say in that context is check your motivations, the age of the child, the relationship That the child has with the parent who has engaged in the betrayal. All things like that really impact whether or not, Or how you tell the child and also how aware the child is. So one thing is kids are very They’re very intuitive, and they pick up on things.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:17:47]:

 

And so you might think, oh, my child doesn’t know. I haven’t told my child, But they can often feel that something’s going on. And one thing that’s really keen about kids, if they don’t have a reason, they’ll in turn they’ll make themselves the reason. You know? And they will internalize it. Oh, it must be me. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I should do something different, you know, those types of things. So Being really, aware Mhmm.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:18:14]:

 

And asking. You could even ask your child. You know? Are you noticing anything? What’s going On house, you know, if because sometimes parents will get into fights or, you know, back and forth or they’ll say things to each other. Like, Don’t assume that your child oh, they’re you’re too young to get it or that didn’t really impact you. Like, wow. That was kinda big what just happened. What’s going on with you right now? You know, and really just checking in with your child. I don’t think there is a I often had clients who were like, should we tell or not? And I’m like, it depends.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:18:46]:

 

That’s always the the therapeutic answer that everybody loves so much.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:18:50]:

 

It depends.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:18:51]:

 

Right? And so being able to, You know, ask yourself. Like, first of all, what are your motivations? You know? Please don’t use your kids as therapists or as your best friend or as your revenge partner. That’s not what they are, and you will 100% regret it later. I promise you when they get older and they start to realize, like, you, that you, them. You know, you turn them into someone that they shouldn’t have been. They don’t need to know all the explicit details about what mom or dad did with so and so down the road in the hotel. That is not okay. Please don’t go there.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:19:34]:

 

That’s not your for your child to know. The other thing is, You know, I always say, like, what’s the minimum thing that you can say to your child so they don’t self blame, And you’re not lying to them, and it’s age appropriate. Yes. Right? Like, so So those are kind of the 3. Like, the minimum I could say to you so you don’t self blame. I’m not lying to you, and it’s age appropriate. You know? Yes. And so That could be something as simple as, you know, hey.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:20:09]:

 

Let’s say it’s the mom who was betraying like, hey. You know, mommy Made a mistake. You know? I I made a big mistake. I hurt dad’s feelings. And when you hurt someone, there are consequences. And, it’s my responsibility now to make up for that, and I’m doing what I can. But I want you to know this has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault, and mom and dad are working on it.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:20:36]:

 

And naturally, the child might be like, what’d you do? I know I would. Right? And At that point, it depends. You know? If if you can express it, again, please don’t get explicit. I’ve had clients get really And it’s like, why? Why? We have your 8 year old does not need a softcore porn, Like Yeah. Loop in their brain. Like, please don’t get specific. But you could say something like, you know, that’s a super good question, and And, honestly, I’m not sure how that would help right now to give you those specifics. I don’t think you need them.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:21:13]:

 

I think that would just add to your plate, and you don’t need that right now. Your little Your your brain not little brain. That’s infantilizing. But, you know, like, you just you have so much going on. I’m it’s it’s not important, or You can even say, like, I don’t know how to answer that right now. You know? But I just want you to know that, maybe one day, we can have that conversation, but I just want you to Enjoy being you right now, and just know that we’re working on it. And if things come up or you feel some kind of way, please don’t hesitate to talk to me about it. And then lastly, I will say if you decide to tell the child because sometimes, especially older children.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:21:51]:

 

You know? Right. If it’s possible to if the if the parents are able to stay in the same room together, Sitting down and talking with the child together, you know, and having the conversation together and letting the parent who engaged in the If they’re at a point where this where they’re healthy because that is not always the case. Right? Like, if we’re gonna go in Well, you know, well, they did this to me, and that’s why I did no. Child does not need to be present for that. If it’s gonna be radical acceptance of my responsibility, I did something that hurt your dad. I’m making up, and, you know, I’m doing my best. We’re working through. We’ll let you know what’s going on as it’s appropriate.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:22:38]:

 

Then that that teaches the child. Like, some people say like, oh, well, that’s I was reading something where this woman was like, sure. Tell your child if you want him to have PTSD and you want him to have horrible friendships and fail in school. And I was like, What? No. I mean, yeah. Maybe if you hook up the video camera and you show them, you know, like but that’s not a That’s not necessarily a foregone conclusion on that one.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:04]:

 

Right. Right. I really appreciate what you said that kids are intuitive and aware because they are. And especially what you had talked about earlier is being reactive. And if the parent still is in the home and suddenly you are the snippy one Because you’re reacting your kids know something is wrong with you. Mhmm. They know The energy between the parents is different. The energy is in the home is different.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:30]:

 

And I just really appreciate that you said they’re intuitive and aware.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:23:34]:

 

Yeah. They are. And they get it, and they pick up even when we think that they don’t. And they’re not always going to say, I’m picking up on something here. Should we talk like adults don’t even do that?

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:46]:

 

No. Oh my goodness. No. Kids.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:23:48]:

 

Snow. Right? And the last thing I’ll say that about telling the kids what happened is, especially teens and tweens, They can be very protective and somewhat unforgiving sometimes. Yes. So just be aware of that if you because Where what I’ve seen happen is, they tell the kids or what usually, the parent that was betrayed tells the children And is very hurt. The child, the teen or tween, gets very mad and is very angry at the betraying partner, and then, They decide to reconcile. Yes. And now the teen and tweener are like, are you freaking kidding me? Why are you letting this jerk back in here? You know, it’s like I don’t know if it’s ever happened to you before, but when I was younger, I would have a fight with a friend or somebody I was dating or something. And then I would go And I would tell my family all the horrible things they did, or I’d tell my friend all the horrible things they did.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:24:48]:

 

And then later on, we would make up. And then I’d be like, we’re back together, and my family’s like, You’re an idiot. They’re not allowed in this house anymore. Blah blah blah. I’m like, but no. Wait. Right? And so Right. Also realizing that what you tell them can impact their relationship with either parent, really, in either way.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:25:08]:

 

Like, if you take if you take, You know, the let’s say dad back. Now your child’s looking at you like, are you freaking nuts? If you break up, Oh, well, my dad destroyed the family, and now they’re you know? So also being aware of the way that you communicate it because it’s going to it’s gonna impact the kids Regardless, and they’re gonna have their opinions whether or not you know, if they know. But how you approach it and the boundaries that you set up And the energy that you bring to the situation can make a huge difference.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:25:40]:

 

Yeah. Because you’re absolutely right. It is such a fluid, flexible situation, And there will be times I mean, I know I went through, I hate you. I never wanna be together with you again. I went through the hysterical Bonding, oh my god. I can’t live without you. Everything we’re gonna do, I’m gonna make it work. I and and that would flip flop day at a time.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:26:01]:

 

And had I told my kids at every little whim, they would think I was psychotic. And I think moving through trauma, sometimes you do act a little bit psychotic. And that is okay because it’s part of the journey, but it’s not The kids the kids don’t need to know that. They don’t need to be aware of every single little nuance.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:26:24]:

 

Mm-mm. Not at all. I mean, if if you need to tell them, Telling them, like, the beginning, mom hurt dad, working through it, and then maybe little things in the middle if they have questions. But, again, Feel free to say, I don’t know how to answer that, or I’m not really sure that that’s gonna be helpful to you right now. And even asking, like, how do you think that answer is gonna help you? Like, if they’re like, you know, who is this person That mom or dad was with. Right? Help me understand how that information is gonna help you. Right? And so because Sometimes it can feel hard to shut the kid down and be like, no. I’m not telling you, or it can feel hard to just be radically open, You know, his dad’s secretary.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:27:12]:

 

You know? So asking them, how do you think that like, what do you plan to do with that information? Help me understand how that’s gonna help you or help your relationship. Like, why do you wanna know that information? What are you gonna do with it? Can be helpful and also help the child to understand. Like, well, I wanna know Whose tires to cut? Right. Thank you. I think I just I just need to know. I feel like I can’t stop thinking about it, and I think it’ll help me. Right? And then at some point, you might realize, like, maybe we need to put our child in therapy. Maybe our child needs to get some help and some support, especially if They can’t stop reeling about it.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:52]:

 

Yes. And you’re right. So much of it is situation specific because So many of the people that I’ve worked with, the affair partner is the aunt. The affair partner is the mom at baseball. The affair partner is in the child’s life, and that’s a tough call too. And sometimes the kids don’t need to know anything, and sometimes they need to know little pieces of it. But I really liked what you said. How will that help? And to question your motivations.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:28:19]:

 

Because sometimes, really, what the kid is just asking is, will I be safe? Because I know with my kids, so many times I would say to them things like, I don’t know. I don’t freaking know any of this, but what I do know is I’m gonna love you forever. What I do know is everything in my being is going to go towards protecting you and keeping you healthy and safe and happy. I I know that. I don’t know anything else, but at least I know that.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:28:46]:

 

Yes. Exactly. And being able to be clear about that, I think, is So helpful. Helping the child know you’re loved. We know we love you. If Mom or dad are still in the picture. Like, each of them expressing that love and affection, and as much as possible, Keeping the relationship with the child consistent. Yeah.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:29:09]:

 

You know? Because, yeah, we’re gonna have our moments, but at the end, I’ve heard people say, like, you know, The betrayal partner doesn’t it cheats on you cheat on the whole family. You know? And I’m like, I push back on that just a little bit because Your child didn’t marry your husband. Your child didn’t marry your wife. Right? Like and when we when we say it in that context, Now it becomes you cheated on me and my child. Therefore, me and my child need to need to heal from you or need to be against you. And now you put your child in this very awkward position in your head around who they are And how they are supposed to feel about dad, and that can lead to, like, the revenge disclosures. And, well, did you know your dad did that? Because now we’re on the same team here because we were both cheated on. Now you might have both been betrayed, but you weren’t both cheated on.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:30:06]:

 

Right. You might both, Like, dad might have skipped your birthday party because he was with her and then lied to you about it. Dad lied to you. You know? So, yes, that that is absolute. And that’s That’s between child and father. To reconcile, that’s a whole different relationship dynamic, but dad didn’t cheat on your kid. That’s not. Yes.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:30:25]:

 

What? What? That’s not married to your kid.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:29]:

 

Yeah. I’m glad you said that. I I really appreciate that. When I was practicing law, I was a guardian ad litem for a a couple of years. And a guard guardian ad litem is an attorney appointed by the court typically to represent the best best interest of the child, whether it’s a juvenile case or a custody case. And I often come back to that because the best interest of the child is what Predominates. And Mhmm. It doesn’t matter what the marital relationship is, what is in the best interest of the child.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:59]:

 

Is it in the best interest of the child to have a relationship with both parents? Could be yes. Could be no. Is it in the best interest of the child to know this? Could be yes, could be no. And that’s something that I go back to time and again. What is in the best interest of the child? Because my best interest and the child’s best interest are different. My best interest might be revenge right now, but that’s not about my kid.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:31:25]:

 

I love the way you said that. Yeah. Like, my best interest in your if we were cheated on together, we probably would have similar best interests. But Right. But that’s not necessarily what happened. You know? And so realizing, like, is it in my child’s best interest to tell them this? Is it in their best interest for them to know that? And that can be so hard to separate because sometimes it may not feel like a revenge disclosure. And you can you can rationalize it in your head, but it often is. Like, I remember when I was younger, I had a family member who swore that another family member had slept with her boyfriend.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:32:07]:

 

And I was very young. I was probably, like, 10 or 11, and these were siblings. They were sisters. And sister a was like, sister b Slept with my boyfriend, and I visited them. And she told me all of this stuff right before I went out to lunch with sister b. And, like, you know, she cheated on she did all this. So I went on that lunch and and sister b like, I love sister b. Sister b is amazing.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:32:31]:

 

It was like my favorite sister b ever. And I was so awkward at that lunch because I’m sitting there and I’m like and, you know, sister b is, like, trying to engage me and laugh, and I just know I’m, like, 1 word answers. And later we spoke about it. She was like, I knew something was wrong. What I was like, what is wrong with she’s acting so weird. Turns out, number, it was I don’t I still doubt whether or not it was true, but that’s neither here nor there. But the bottom line is it significantly impacted My ability to engage with this with sister b, and it impacted our relationship, and it hurt me. Yes.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:33:10]:

 

Because there was because here’s the other thing. If you tell a child something and there’s literally nothing the child can do about it, Like, what are you doing? Yes. Right? Like, there’s like, there was nothing I could do about that. And come to find out, I think sister a wanted me to confront sister b with it. So it was definitely a revenge disclosure. I’m gonna hurt you by telling her because I know you care about her, and then She’s gonna be mad at you on my behalf, but that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me, and I wasn’t something I needed to You know? So being clear on okay. I’m gonna tell you this, and what is my hope? Where is this gonna go? What do I think is gonna be the next step as a result of this? What is my hope for this? You know? Yeah.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:33:59]:

 

And and And the hope for my child when they have this information. Am I then going to give my child resources to deal with it, or is it just like, They did this. Bye. Go have a nice weekend with them. Really? Seriously? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now that

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:17]:

 

that leads to another Another thing that I wanna talk about, giving your child resources. Yes. Maybe your kids need therapy at some point, you know, all of that good stuff, everything we’ve talked about, and This happens too. The cheating partner is now in a relationship with their affair partner, And every other weekend, you have to turn your kids over to spouse with a fair partner. That’s really hard. I work with so many women who are like, really? And now I have to tell my kids, go listen to her. Go be respectful to her. Go.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:51]:

 

And every fiber of my being wants to be like, ah. Mhmm.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:34:57]:

 

What

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:57]:

 

yeah. What what is your best Tips, advice for dealing with the situation like not and then. So often the relationship with the affair partner doesn’t work out Anyway and you’ve just put your kids on this enormous roller coaster.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:35:12]:

 

Yeah. You know, those are such hard. I actually Just had a conversation with someone who was in that situation, and it is a really hard situation. The first thing I would do is Make sure that, the betraying partner is safe and stable. Right? If not and you’re separated, that Might be a chance to get like, that might be time to, like, call in something and get some, like, oh, what do you call them? The The agreements about where the child goes. What do you call this?

 

Lora Cheadle [00:35:46]:

 

Like, a a marital agreement or a custody plan.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:35:48]:

 

Yeah. Custody plan. There you go. That might be time to to Call that into action into play if you think like this my partner is completely unstable or is, like, emotionally harming my child. Again, not an apparent parental alienation syndrome type of thing. If your person’s a good dad or good mom, don’t ruin that because it will come back to bite you in the butt later.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:11]:

 

Yes, it will.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:36:12]:

 

Genuinely feel like this is not okay, then contact an attorney or somebody to get that. But but let’s just say for the sake of this conversation your back. Yeah. Parents, good. Parents, stable. At that point, honestly, it really is In the betraying partner’s best interest to regulate that relationship, and to heal that relationship and to deal with that relationship. The partner who was betrayed, your role in that situation is to come back to those questions with your child. How was it? Are you okay? You know? And not necessarily Poking for problems, but, you know, just kind of like being curious, noticing.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:37:00]:

 

Right? Because what the child will do, If you start poking for problems, the child, especially if they have love for both parents, will put themselves in the protector role.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:37:12]:

 

Mhmm.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:37:12]:

 

And they won’t tell you anything. Right? If they’re like, if I tell, say, mom, that this girlfriend said mom was stupid, Then mom’s gonna go over there with a baseball bat and destroy the car. Then now your child has to hold this Because they believe you can’t handle it. So now your child is emotionally regulating for you. Your child is holding stuff for you. They’re being your backpack Because you can’t handle it. So the best thing that you can do is as much as possible, in front of your child, get curious, Check-in. You know your child.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:37:47]:

 

You know their signs. And you have to point out, like, did your dad do blood? You could say, like, you know, I noticed every time you come back from your dad, That’s your you seem different. I don’t know. Help me understand what’s going on. Maybe you’re, like, a little agitated. You know? What’s happening? And even letting them know, like, You know, whatever you tell me, I will only help you. You don’t have to protect your dad. You don’t have to protect me.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:38:09]:

 

We can work through this together. Right? If if you notice something, if you’re curious about something. But if you don’t know, if they’re just like, then that’s time for you to really deal with Maybe your own feelings of guilt, jealousy, shame, anger, resentment. Right. Because what I often see in these cases is dad and the the new you know, the the betrayal partner will, like, shower the kids with cats, and They get ponies and car. They get a 5 year old car. They get cars and, like, trips to Disney every weekend. Right? And, like, can’t buy the kids Loyalty.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:38:49]:

 

Right? And that can feel hard because a lot of times the person who was betrayed is like, I can’t even compete with that. But understanding you don’t have to. You don’t have to compete with that. Right? What a try a child doesn’t need 15 trips to Disney in a month. What a child needs is love, affection, stability, consistency, right, and to know that they’re worthy and they’re loved and they’re seen and they’re heard. And so being that stable presence Mhmm. Is going to be what’s most important. Because at the end of the day, I don’t care how many ponies that woman buys or that man buys.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:39:21]:

 

You’re Still mom. You’re still dad. Yeah. And they can’t compete with that. So just stay being that stable parent that that child can depend on and come to and rely on, and And then go in your closet, you pick up a pillow, and you scream in it as loud as you can. You go get you know? You call up Lora. You get some support, and then and you go from there. That is the best way to deal with that, but not to put it on your child or make it your child’s issue to deal with.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:39:51]:

 

Yeah. I’m so glad you said that. And please know, listeners, it is common. I mean, that is what I hear so much. Great. Dance off with a fare partner, and they’re going on a cruise. They just redid their bedrooms. They just got a whole new when you say pony, I’m laughing because, yes, that pony’s have been purchased.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:40:13]:

 

And then kids come back to the betrayed partner, and they’re like, This is amazing. This is perfect. Well, an affair oftentimes is fantasy land, and they’ve just created this little fantasy land, and it’s really Hard when you were the betrayed partner, and you’re the only one in reality.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:40:30]:

 

Yeah. And it’s hard for I’ll lean a little bit into the betrayer too Because how do you have that discussion with your kid, right, of like, oh, not only did I hurt your other parent, but now I’m here with the person that hurt. Hey. Don’t pay any attention to the man behind the curtain. Look over here. Look at Look at Mickey Mouse. Look at whatever you want. Please don’t look at this really screwed up twisted situation we got going on Right here.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:41:00]:

 

Right. So it’s also a defense mechanism in most cases. Like, if you were buying Lamborghinis for your 8 year old Before this happened. And now all of a sudden you are. There’s a good chance you’re doing it either out of guilt or out of a feeling, like trying to avoid shame. Right. And then also realizing too that, you know, everything come like, there’s a crap rolls downhill. Right? So, eventually, It’s going to land in your lap.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:41:28]:

 

You are going to have to face this at some point. Eventually, Mickey stop singing. The car runs out Gas. Okay. The cruise ship docks. You know? The police goes to sleep or whatever, and you’re gonna have to face reality. Your kid’s gonna have questions, especially the older they get. Might be all cute and friendly when they’re really young, but the older they get, the more questions they have when they start getting into relationships.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:41:53]:

 

Right? They’re gonna start wondering, oh my gosh. You know what? Dad cheated on mom. My mom cheated on dad, and now we’re in this situation. Right? So, eventually, you’re gonna have to face music at some point. And if you don’t, if you just keep throwing stuff up in their face, eventually, that child will probably just be like, whatever. I can’t talk to them about this. Mhmm. And they’ll probably end up leaning more into the more stable open parent anyway.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:42:18]:

 

So either way you handle it

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:21]:

 

It’s gonna come. Yeah.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:42:22]:

 

You can either pay now or later. It the what are the 2?

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:25]:

 

Right. Or, you know, mentioning a generational trauma earlier. I think we mentioned Earlier. Mhmm. Or you’re putting it on your kids to, at some point, they’re gonna have to deal with it in their relationships, your grandkids, your great grandkids. Because tying this all the way back around to the beginning, when you said it’s hard to have somebody to talk to and when you talk to somebody who is not trained, You get weird responses. In my experience, when I have talked to people who aren’t trained or when my clients have talked to somebody who aren’t trained, Inevitably, they hit upon somebody else’s trigger because this happened to them too, or this happened to their mom too, or this happened to their dad too. So they have all of these weird triggers inside, and you’ve just ripped a scab off of an unhealed wound, And suddenly, they’re vomiting stuff all over you that’s a generation back or 2 generations back, and they’re just giving you more pain That they never knew how to deal with, and now you’re not dealing with yours, and it’s just

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:43:23]:

 

Mhmm.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:43:23]:

 

Blah.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:43:25]:

 

Exactly. And that’s why So important to deal with it now and speak to it. Like, I have, alcoholism is runs in my family All over the place. And I’ve been talking to the I have a oh my gosh. It’s my son’s birthday today. He’s 15 today. And so 15 year old, that’s Crazy. But I’ve been talking to my kids about this since they were really young.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:43:50]:

 

Like, Probably. My daughter is 11, so probably when they were, like my daughter was maybe, like, 5, 6, something like that. I let them know in age appropriate ways about alcohol and how it’s impacted the family and how it impacts the body and how people have died From it. Not to scare the crap out of them, but awareness is your superpower. It’s it’s the biggest healing agent you can bring when you’re trying to heal And deal with intergenerational traumas and dramas. The way that we the reason why they keep transmitting from Generation to generation is often because it’s not acknowledged. We just push it under the rug. We throw a car at it or a horse at it, you know, and we don’t name it for what it is and open the door and allow conversations to be had.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:44:40]:

 

Now, again, not saying the conversation needs to be had a week later. I mean, it might not happen till a year later. You know? That’s fine. 2 years later. But as long as there’s room for those conversations to be had An awareness to be had and people and everybody to talk about it. Like, you know, at some point, your kid’s gonna start asking questions like, why did this happen? How do I can I avoid it? You know? Like, hey. I’m I’m with this partner, and as I’m noticing this and that. Right? And they’ll be able to start noticing those cycles Early and be able to pull back early.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:45:16]:

 

Yeah. And, also, when you said have the conversations, I also want to foot stomp that it doesn’t have to be we’re gonna have the whole conversation about what led up to the affair, your father’s Trauma from his and then my wounding and then my codependency. And we’re we we can talk about little, tiny chunks along the way because, Otherwise, nobody can hold all of that.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:45:40]:

 

No. You’re gonna freaking vomit all over your kids, Like emotionally vomit all over them. They don’t need that either. That goes back to the age appropriateness piece. Yeah. And a lot of times when the betrayal happens, especially early on, Nobody knows why. Right? Like, in the answers you give of it originally are stupid. Like, oh, you’re not a fiction enough or, oh, you didn’t remember not stupid.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:46:02]:

 

I should Say stupid. They’re they’re superficial. That’s probably a better word for it. They’re not stupid. They might have they might have impacted it, but They are it’s very superficial. Right? And you really sometimes it takes years to dig really deep down and say, okay. I get it. Maybe your partner wasn’t affectionate enough, but there was 50 things that you could have done to deal with the fact that my partner’s you chose This one.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:46:30]:

 

You chose bringing a 3rd person into the relationship. Why did you choose that as the option that you had to go to? That’s where that deeper work lies, and sometimes it does take years, months, years to get to that depth, To be able to honestly answer that question for yourself, let alone anybody else, and same with the with the person who’s betrayed. You know? It’s sort of like, okay. You know, you this was how you reacted to that. There could have been 50 ways that you react, but you chose this way to react. What was that about?

 

Lora Cheadle [00:47:02]:

 

Yes. Right? Yes. I like that you talked about that depth too because in my situation, we’re almost 6 years out. We’re still going deep. We’re still refining. We’re still understanding. Yes. We have stabilized after the initial trauma about the initial like, we’ve cleared away a lot, but things still come up, and that’s okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:47:26]:

 

That’s good. It’s not It’s not that we have failed to unearth it all in the 1st 6 months. This is healthy. This is how it should be.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:47:35]:

 

Yeah. Yeah. Very, very true. And, I mean, that’s that’s the way trauma works. It’s layers upon layers upon layers upon layers and Like an onion. Right? You have to peel those layers off. That’s like in the, my trigger to transformed coaching program. Like, a lot of parents that come in there, They are asking questions like, why do I keep repeating these patterns and these habits with my kids? Why do I keep yelling? Why do I keep shutting down? Why do I keep blah blah blah? You know? And they don’t know.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:48:03]:

 

They’re like, I’ve read the books. I’ve listened to the podcast. I’ve gone to the summits. I’ve done all the things, and I can’t stop doing this thing right here. Yes. You know? And so realizing that when you find yourself repeating the same habits, that’s a sign there’s something deeper there. That’s your go to. There’s a reason why parts of you feel the need to reach for that tool.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:48:26]:

 

Yes. And I love that you said that because so often I say cheating is a tool. It’s just a tool. It’s a bad choice, but it’s a tool. And Many of the people that I work with, their partners have cheated multiple times, so it’s a tool that they keep reaching for. So I really appreciate how you can anchor that into This is a trigger. This is a tool. How do I stop doing this, and why am I doing it? Because it’s not just you lack morality and you’re a bad person.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:48:54]:

 

What’s going on here?

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:48:56]:

 

Mhmm. Right. There’s something else going on that makes that easy. Like, in the I talk I love that because I talk about tools a lot too. I always say, you know, we’re always using tools in relationships. So the question is not, am I using a tool? It’s, is this tool helpful or unhelpful? Right? Does it get me to the next logical step that moves the situation or the relationship forward in the direction that I want it to go? So does it build the house up or does it tear it down. Right? If you’re trying to build a house with a jackhammer, that’s a problem. Right? Like, it’s probably not gonna work as Close to like a hammer.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:49:32]:

 

Maybe that’s more effective. So I I love, like, what tools are you reaching for in your relationship With your partner, with your kids, especially.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:49:43]:

 

Mhmm.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:49:43]:

 

You know, when they when dealing with this, are you reaching for that revenge hammer, or are you reaching For the shutdown nail over there, you know, whatever. What are you reaching for to be able to deal? And not judging yourself for that, having self compassion around that, and realizing that if you deem it unhelpful, Once you have that awareness, you then have the power to do something different.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:09]:

 

Yeah. Yeah. There’s a whole rabbit hole I’m gonna avoid going down.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:50:18]:

 

It’s so easy. We need a part 2.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:20]:

 

Right. But but but the rabbit I’m going to avoid going down, and I am gonna speak to it, and I’m gonna put it here. So controversial to say. Sometimes an affair, people do think that is a helpful tool because it enables them to stay in a relationship that they otherwise Wouldn’t feel comfortable staying

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:50:43]:

 

  1. Wait. The affair helps them stay in a relationship that they how so? Say more about that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:48]:

 

Because they don’t when you go to stable misery, it helps them stay in that stable misery. Oh. Blowing up the entire marriage Because maybe their partner isn’t at a place to do the work right now, or maybe there is another trauma going on. A child is sick. There is a a somebody has cancer, and sometimes people will reach for the tool of an affair to avoid Tipping the marriage, pushing the marriage over the edge because there’s a lot of other things going on. And then That trauma, that crisis passes, and now they’re like, oh, I used a tool to stay in this to make this Untenable relationship stable, and now I have to deal with all of that.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:51:37]:

 

Yeah. I I No. I I think I see what you’re saying. Something that often happens. I don’t know if you’ve heard that adage of, if What is it if, your if your hand hurts, like stub your toe? Yes. That’s that’s that’s Oh, yes. My hand hurts. The pain is unbearable, so I’m gonna stub my toes.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:52:02]:

 

So now I could focus on the pain in my foot, and the hip pain in my And isn’t there anymore. Right? And when you think about it, it’s like, well, that doesn’t make sense. Now you’re you’re just in double pain. But in the moment, it kinda does because you just took away the attention. Now your hand doesn’t hurt as bad, does it? Right? And so from that perspective, absolutely, I could see people subconsciously creating dramas to Avoid dealing with other issues that pop up. I see that a lot with couples too even with less with lesser things. Like, You know, I always say, like, it’s never about the laundry. It’s never about you know, you didn’t get once again, you forgot to put more gas in my car.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:52:45]:

 

It’s like, if you find yourself fighting over and over and over We’re again about the same little things.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:52:50]:

 

It’s not that.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:52:51]:

 

It’s really not about that thing. It’s it’s something deeper, and that just is like the fields that you’re playing on, but there’s there’s another game. There’s another, factor or another process or dynamic That you’re playing out through that because that laundry basket or that gas tank are safer. It’s safer to talk about whatever it is From that perspective. So if your idea is on a subconscious level, you brought in a third person because it’s like, oh, it’s just so much easier To fight about that, to do that thing Yes. Then than it is to talk about the other things. Sometimes People blow things up to make people feel. I when I was in, trading for couples, I had a a professor who would Tell the story about how he had a couple in his office, and this 1 woman was like, if you don’t pay attention to me, I’m gonna cheat on you, And then came back the next week.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:53:52]:

 

It’s like, if you don’t pay attention to me, I’m gonna cheat on you with someone we know. If you don’t pay attention to me, I’m gonna cheat on you with our neighbor. And then she cheated on him with the neighbor, and he was like, she cheated on me. And he was like she was like, I told you I was gonna Do that because you didn’t I mean, what may not even pay attention, but it was something like that. You know? And it was interesting because his point was, Sometimes we do things consciously or subconscious. And he was he told he was like, that was literally a true story, by the way. But he said, sometimes, it’s not that clear Or somebody’s like, I will do this if you don’t do that. Like, I’m telling you what I’m gonna do before I do it.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:54:33]:

 

Right? And sometimes what ends up happening in those situations is often not that conscious. It’s often very subconscious, but we do it to get a rise out of the person. Like, you’re not doing this thing. If I do this, then maybe you’ll do that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:54:47]:

 

You’ll notice. Yeah.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:54:49]:

 

Yeah. And it’s like, again, not the most helpful tool, but I get it. Like, I can see the logic. I can follow the logic. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:54:59]:

 

And I think having that awareness, at least for me, Having that awareness of all of these different layers and levels, and that helps me be a better parent Because, again, it’s not that blame and that judgment. You know what it is to me, and you’re horrible, and how could you? It’s wow. It’s zooming out and being like, humans are really fascinating. The birds are really fascinating. Isn’t this crazy? Wow. Let’s keep unwinding this and see where we’re at. And in the meantime, I’ll just try to be the best parent that I can be, And that’s where I want to end this. How do you function when you’ve made horrible mistakes with your kids? When you’ve had a trigger and you’ve blown up and you’ve screamed psycho things at your partner where all of a sudden you realize I told my kids something, and that was with horrible motivation.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:55:56]:

 

I wanted them to hate their partner or their father. I wanted them, How do you recover when you’ve made some really bad mistakes?

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:56:04]:

 

Yeah. I mean, the first step is acknowledge it and apologize. You know, a lot of times we try to defend it and make excuses for it, and that doesn’t work. So acknowledge it, Apologize and then move on, you know, and then go from there and and figure out based on how the person responds or reacts, what does it Take to reconcile that relationship. Kids are super resilient. They can bounce back if they if they have a foundation to bump up against that’s solid And hears them, sees them, and understands them. So if you can stay as stable as possible and realize like, hey. I screwed up.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:56:44]:

 

And that The good thing about that is it it helps them within themselves to reconcile the disconnect that they were probably experiencing anyway from what you said and did. So it’s actually healing for them anyway to hear, like, I’m sorry. I was wrong.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:56:58]:

 

Totally makes sense. And the thing is that’s just a good skill To learn anytime we make a mistake. Thank you so much for all of this. It’s really been enlightening. Before we go, where can people learn more about Triggered to transformed and you.

 

Dr. Lynyetta Willis [00:57:12]:

 

Yes. So the best place to go is go to, healing stable misery.com. I have have a road map there that you can download that really helps you to get through, That stable misery pattern that you might be finding yourselves in in your relationship. Also, if you are a parent who is struggling with triggers, you can go to my trigger score.com, and you could take a quiz there. And that quiz will tell you your, parent trigger score and give you some subsequent resources to shift. And, of course, if you wanna reach out to me, you can respond to any of those emails. I’ll reply.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:57:51]:

 

Thank you so much for everything that you have shared. It’s been really, really helpful. I mean, both as a parent And just as a person going through infidelity. So, listeners, I hope you found this as useful and as enlightening as I did. I will put, all of doctor Leonietta Willis’s links in the show notes. And in the meantime, have a great We can always remember to FLAUNT!! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

 

Narrator [00:58:25]:

 

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST on syndicated dream vision 7 radio network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth.com.