Infidelity and betrayal leave a wake of emotional upheaval, sadness, and pain. Here’s how to transcend the situation’s intensity, reclaim inner peace, and perhaps even find spiritual healing. Join me in an engaging conversation with John Burgos, as we delve deeply into the journey of self-discovery, spiritual growth, and the pursuit of inner peace after betrayal.
Top Takeaways
- Prioritize Self-Care and Self-Love: When we set high standards for how we treat ourselves and others, we reinforce self-love as the cornerstone of who we are and what we deserve, and we attract positive experiences into our lives.
- Embrace Vulnerability and Honesty: Accepting that not everyone can meet us with honesty and vulnerability is the first step to finding peace. John shares how his journey helped open his heart to love, transparency, and facing discomfort head-on.
- Navigate Emotional Expression and Healing: From gaslighting to suppressed emotions, today’s discussion highlights the impact of unexpressed feelings and societal norms on relationships.
Join in today’s conversation and learn how to cultivate an open, honest approach to emotional expression, and the ability to recognize and process your emotions so you can live truthfully.
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About John Burgos
John, the founder and host of the Beyond The Ordinary Show, has committed his life to improving and enriching the lives of others. He created the Beyond The Ordinary Show to unite and lead the next generation of transformation through providing a stage for emerging and provocative spiritual leaders, exposing and bringing light to the shared power of collective consciousness.
Moved by the profound, shamanic experiences that ignited his trust in his innate intuitive abilities, John has dedicated his passions to bringing this truth of inherent intuition to the masses. He soon emerged as a leader in the field and finds his truest excellence in working with esoteric and spiritual teachers. He believes that his work, in conjunction with the luminous souls he works intimately with, can be the catalyst for global change.
John’s greatest passion and purpose is celebrated by providing a platform, holding space and expertly directing new thought patterns to assist in the growth, evolution and empowerment in shaping a new, more soulfully connected generation. Learn more at https://beyondtheordinaryshow.com/
About Lora
Lora Cheadle is an attorney, TEDx speaker, and betrayal recovery coach who helps women turn their devastation into an invitation to rise up and reign. Whether reclaiming what they let go of along the way, rebuilding their identity, or stepping into a stronger sense of self-trust and self-worth, Lora’s expert guidance empowers women to uncover the truth™ of what they are capable of and deserve. After being shattered by her husband’s fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand the skills and strategies necessary to stop feeling broken and start living fully and freely.
She is licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, is a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, advanced integrated energy practitioner, and is certified to teach yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal train. She is the author of the International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self and host of the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal. She lives in Colorado and loves travel, adventure, and a good book.
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Transcript
Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time. And for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:07]:
BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There’s a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp’s 20,000 plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus, you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know that confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening, and it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:08]:
Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp therapist. Special offer to flaunt, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at betterhelp.com/flaunt. That’s betterhelphelp.com /flaunt, f l a u n t. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast. Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and we’re gonna have a really deep dive conversation with a pretty incredible guest.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:06]:
He’s the founder and the creator of a free, live interactive show called Beyond the Ordinary. And what I really, really resonated with in the description of this show is it is a forum to expand collective consciousness. Okay. I’m in already, to bring light to topics that have been kept in the dark. And when I read that, I was like, yes. Because as you know from listening to my show, I believe the betrayal uncovers the truth. I believe that we cannot keep things undercover. Taboo hurts all of us.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:46]:
So we need to talk. We need to share. We need to expose our pain. We need to look at ourselves, expose the wounds that only through that process can we heal. So I know you’re excited. I’m going to go ahead and dive right in. Welcome to the show, John. I’m so glad that you’re here.
John Borgos [00:04:09]:
It’s so wonderful to be here. This is just speaking to my heart in so many different ways, so thank you.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:14]:
Wonderful. You’re welcome. Now I have to say, I kinda just dove into the gushing. Why don’t you start by just telling the audience a little bit about you personally, why you started doing what you do, and then we will get into the conversation.
John Borgos [00:04:31]:
Well, I’ll I’ll try to keep that long story short. But in essence, I always grew up being very sensitive, very empathic. And being in different situations didn’t make sense to me because the truth wasn’t really being spoken or revealed. So I learned to quickly adapt to fit myself in into situations so I can belong or feel comfortable or feel safe or feel received or feel loved. And it’s I had a very deep psychic awareness, but I didn’t know what to do with it. I just I thought everybody had it. I thought everybody could read the field or interpret other people’s emotions and see through the truth in the ways that I did. So, again, it was confusing.
John Borgos [00:05:15]:
And it was oh my god. My beautiful ex wife, I’m so grateful for her, because she was really my best friend and and and one of my greatest teachers. And how she would reflect back to me that I was too sensitive. I’m too empathic that I’m feeling too much. That why don’t they just calm it down? And I’d heard that in different places throughout my life, through my family, which I grew up in a in a household that had that had a lot of love and a lot of trauma as well. In an environment being, you know, masculine and sensitive, but at the same time growing up and and the age that I grew up in, was not necessarily seen as being a masculine. So I learned to shut it down, and it was in a period when it was leading towards the end of my marriage, but I hadn’t quite seen it yet because I would have rather put my head in the sand about what I could know was going on. But if I didn’t talk about it, if I didn’t speak about the things that I was really kind of where were happening, then I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
John Borgos [00:06:28]:
Because if I did speak into it, I knew that would be the end of my marriage. And I got to a point where something wasn’t being shared in truth or only a half truth. And, again, my wife was wonderful in in so many different ways. But this this part of it, I’d she was wonderful in so many ways because there’s a lot of things that I was putting my head in the sand about. I didn’t want to face head on. Had I had I, the marriage would have ended way bore before the 18 years that we were together. And there was a particular point. There’s something wasn’t being shared.
John Borgos [00:07:00]:
It wasn’t being honest. And and and I remember she was in the bathtub taking a soak, and I was in the bathroom, and we were kinda having this conversation. I shared something that it’s like, hey. Something isn’t right here. Something doesn’t feel right. Well well, what do you mean doesn’t feel right? What is it that doesn’t feel right? And I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it doesn’t feel right. Something’s off. You’re not telling me the truth.
John Borgos [00:07:23]:
You’re too sensitive. You’re doing that thing again. You need to, like, calm it down. It’s like it’s your your it’s and she weaponized my sensitivity against me, and it wasn’t until then that I caught it. And I took a breath, and I looked at her. And I go, you know what? Thank you. Thank you. I finally get it.
John Borgos [00:07:46]:
You’ve been using my sensitivity as a way to deflect the truth and making me wrong for feeling something that was actually there. And it was in that moment. And I I told her, I looked at her straight in the eyes, and I go, you better get used to me being more sensitive if you wanna be together because I just realized that I’ve been shutting down the greatest gift
Lora Cheadle [00:08:05]:
Wow. That I’ve
John Borgos [00:08:06]:
had in my life. And I’m not willing to shut it down for you or anybody else anymore, and that just shifted everything.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:15]:
That’s powerful.
John Borgos [00:08:17]:
Mhmm.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:18]:
That’s powerful on so many levels, but what I really wanna point out because I think it’s so true all the time. That was your greatest gift, and you were blinded to your greatest gift because somebody else was shutting it down because you weren’t quite ready to face that yet. And I think that is so true for so many of us. We try to conform. We try to not be so sensitive or not be so whatever it is. And when we are ready to uncover the truth, when we’re ready to lean into that, so many things can shift.
John Borgos [00:08:59]:
Mhmm. Well and, you know, and, again, I say I’m so grateful for for my ex because she really was my teacher. She didn’t do anything to me. I just wasn’t willing the exchange for me at the time was too great being codependent. I was gonna lose something that I was leaning into that was giving me something that I couldn’t give to myself, this relationship, this person. I was earning love rather than being loved, and I didn’t realize that. Because, again, we we learn to have these transactions in relationship from our parents and through our culture in lots of different ways. And I grew up in an alcoholic household, so the the essence of codependency lived really strongly.
John Borgos [00:09:45]:
But bless her being in her soul. She didn’t do anything to me. I chose not to face it head on. It was my fear that kept me in the dark, whether it was her coworkers, my parents, my siblings, it it didn’t matter. You know, after a lot of self reflection and a lot of self work, it’s like, it was all me. But it’s it’s we have to go through the layers of it, and and also realize that we do have to do forgiveness around other people because they were complicit in in helping to perpetuate it because they were getting something from it also. It wasn’t necessarily the most honest relationship even though there are such beautiful aspects to it. But at its core, there was a wobble that either had an opportunity to heal so that we can grow together
Lora Cheadle [00:10:35]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:10:36]:
Or a dissonance that again, had we faced that dissonance early on, we probably would not have been as married as long as we were.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:43]:
Right.
John Borgos [00:10:44]:
Yeah.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:45]:
And there’s such fear around. I’m not even sure sometimes what it is because there’s this idea that when we separate, it’s a failure, that we’ve lost our marriage, that we’ve lost the relationship. And sometimes I’m not even quite clear what that fear is, if it’s just a fear of change, if it’s just a fear of the unknown. But it’s my guess that you have blossomed and grown since then and that she has as well.
John Borgos [00:11:14]:
Oh, without it out in our own different ways. Absolutely.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:18]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:11:18]:
Absolutely. And we’ve it’s really when we had a divorce and the way that it happened, other people could have interpreted is, oh my god. She betrayed you when this thing happened, and she stole it together with the person that, you know, we’ll get to the opening and things. And I thank God for that person on so many occasions. It’s I really knew that her soul was setting me free because I was going in a trajectory that she didn’t want to grow in and and vice versa. And I really do see the gift in it, but I had to go through my levels of of learning how to forgive at the course levels at that place that I don’t want that to happen. Someone screwed me over. Someone lied to me.
John Borgos [00:12:02]:
Someone that pretended to be my best friend really wasn’t my best friend. I gave my life. I gave my energy. We created children together, and all that was for what? Yeah. But I didn’t get into a lot of the blame and then the shaming and the rejection and lashing back out because who does that serve? First of all, I knew it wasn’t gonna serve my children. Yep. And if there’s anything that I’ll that I would die for in this world, What about question? It would be my children. And that means my ego has to die as well if it’s getting in the way of their well-being.
John Borgos [00:12:42]:
And I was very well aware of that during our separation and divorce process. And while there was resentment and healing that needed to happen, or healing of that resentment to happen, and the betrayal and the hurt and all that, it’s really being in in a place to to lead my family
Lora Cheadle [00:13:04]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:13:05]:
In a direction where it really served the family, not just served me, not just my ego, was a great inspiration for the self inner work that I was guided to do.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:18]:
Yeah. Okay. Let’s talk a little bit about that ego and that inner work. Mhmm. First of all, oftentimes there’s confusion around what ego is. And let’s, for the audience, come to a common understanding of what that ego is so people aren’t saying, well, of course, everybody has ego. It’s healthy to have a strong ego, isn’t it? Let’s start with a common definition of ego so we’ve got that working knowledge and can move forward with that.
John Borgos [00:13:47]:
Yeah. Ego is amazing. Ego is what drives the personality. Right? And so thank goodness for all of our egos. There is an aspect and ego that tries to defend itself at all costs because it’s trying to defend us. It’s like, I’m gonna protect you. I’m gonna set up these structures. I’m gonna set up boundaries.
John Borgos [00:14:05]:
I’m gonna set up yeses and noes in the back of your mind, and I’m going to guide some of your decisions based on how I want to protect you. Again, this is the ego if we amorphousize it. And so the ego is is built to to be our best friend in so many different ways. But what happens with the ego is that sometimes it doesn’t know that it needs to evolve and grow with us as well. So the protection mechanisms are up, whether those protection walls were built, and they’ve been they’ve been grounded into our neuro pathways.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:40]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:14:41]:
My co response because of something that happened when we were 2 years old or 5 years old or 16 year old. The the ego has to learn to evolve as we evolve. And the only way that it can do that is by us demonstrating to it that we have found another way that that we’re still going to be very well taken care of.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:03]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:15:04]:
That that we’re showing up for ourselves. Yes. Go ahead.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:07]:
Yeah. I was gonna say I really appreciate that you use the word evolve because the ego does need to evolve, and it will continue to evolve. And I think that’s something else that I wanted to point out. It’s not like, oh, that day in the bathroom, you became spiritually a light enlightened and aware, and everything was easy, and you’ve never had to work on anything since then.
John Borgos [00:15:30]:
Oh my god. That can be further from the truth, and it it’s I can share. I’ve been doing a lot of self development work, and I am connected into realms. I have a psychic capacity that flows through me that is profound.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:47]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:15:48]:
It really is. And that connection is beyond words, how glorious and awe inspiring and and the opportunities that it provides for me to create and live a life that is beyond anything I could have imagined 10, 15, 20, 50 years ago. I mean, truly to be in in resonance and harmonic with the flow of co creation, that is is incredible. But I still go through ego depths, if you will. I still go through periods of time where I’m in contraction. I just wanna pull the covers over my head, and I don’t wanna get out for a couple of days. But what happens on this journey is that those days become shorter. We become more aware of the core of their manifestations instead of the surface level.
John Borgos [00:16:44]:
Will that thing cause me to react this way? It’s like, hold on a second. That thing is showing me what I still have inside of me that is wanting to evolve because it wants to serve me. Those reflections, those mirrors are God inspired because I meant to experience something bigger again in that awe, in that inspiration, in the beauty that life truly has. If only I can have an intimacy of something that I’m so afraid of facing Mhmm. That once I do, I know my life is gonna change for the better. And so it’s it’s an amazing opportunity, but it’s it’s a shamanic journey in so many different ways, this life that we live.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:28]:
Yes. Yes. And the word so afraid of facing, a journey that I am so afraid of facing, a truth that I am so afraid of facing. I really think that is the heart and soul of what everybody what everybody’s journey through this life is about. Whether it’s a real fear or whether it’s a fear that we have constructed based on a story in our head or based on our ego trying to keep us safe because we were raised in the dysfunctional household because we had to be codependent as a child to survive. How do we evolve into the adult who can recognize that, who can face that, and then who can say, I can guide myself and hold myself and love myself through the pain, through the discomfort, through the unknown, and trust that I will come out the other side better and stronger than before.
John Borgos [00:18:26]:
Well and speaking of the ego, the ego will have us running in the loop of what can happen and remind us of the past and keep us in the history and protect against this, protect against that, watch out for this, watch out for that power, and looking for all the bad things and the good. And we really come to a point not just in relational dynamics, but truly in humanity. The the way that I see it is that we really have to be forward facing for the future that we wanna create, instead of being so prepared for something that may not happen, that we spend all our energy on that on war within ourselves. Mhmm. As we see wars outside of ourselves, the reflection of that war that’s happening inside of us. Uh-uh. I’m putting up this boundary. I’m blowing this up.
John Borgos [00:19:09]:
I’m blowing that up. Just so I can keep my settlement in a place that is comfortable, in the place where I can create just enough love that I can get through the next day or week or month. And that maybe I have picks, peaks and spikes of joy and happiness. And they may not be like they were before, but if I have it every once in a while, life’s okay. And and I would tell you, I would challenge you. That we deserve so much more. And and we’re really being guided in so many ways to the awakening of that truth. But to awaken to that truth, again, we have to pull our heads out of the sand.
John Borgos [00:19:57]:
Mhmm. Look up and stand toe to toe with those things that we may fear may destroy us and realize that those are really not the demons that we thought that they were. Mhmm. Really start creating towards what it is that we want rather than protecting against those things that we’re so afraid of, that we can start creating lives again like we’ve never imagined before.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:23]:
Mhmm. Mhmm. And, you know, when you talk about lives that we’ve never imagined before, and I talk about that too, you know, creating a life you love, that’s for you to decide. Some people want a very peaceful, quiet life. Some people want to be globe trotting. Some people want, we want all different things. And sometimes I’ve had people say, but that’s not exactly what I want. And I always go back to, but that’s the beauty of it.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:50]:
Whatever kind you want, you get.
John Borgos [00:20:55]:
And there’s also the invitation of putting these things out that we believe that we want. And, again, when we’re listening, when we’re in the fluidity of the creation of the possibility in its highest form, we raise the level of what’s possible, and synchronicity presents to us situations that we wouldn’t have conceived. I couldn’t have imagined that Hawaii would have been my permanent residence 20 years ago. Even as a kid, it’s like, I’m gonna live in Hawaii full time. It’s like that wasn’t how cool to go visit for a week maybe.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:31]:
Right.
John Borgos [00:21:31]:
And that we grew up. We lived in a lower very lower middle class household, and we would fly every once in a while to see our family in South of America. My parents would scrape by enough money to do that, and they look paycheck to paycheck. So to imagine living on a paradise island like I do now wasn’t in my wheelhouse, but it’s synchronicity that bought me here, not because I planned it out and say, okay. Let me map out how I’m going to land there, and this is gonna be the projection of what shows up. What happened is my outer reality started matching the paradise that I was carrying within myself. What’s possible? What can I create that’s really aligned with who I’ve become? And let me be open to the synchronicities that are are guiding me there, not with caution, fear, and control, but really with an awareness of who I have become based on my previous experiences. And what does life want to present itself to me in cocreation? And how can I be inspired by my yeses and be really firm with my nose and follow the integrity of that to create a life that’s bigger than what my mind alone can conceive?
Lora Cheadle [00:22:49]:
Mhmm. Mhmm. 2 things I wanna talk about. 1st, I loved how you said without caution, fear, and control. Because when we’re hurt, when we’ve been betrayed, when all of a sudden the head is forced out of the sand and we didn’t want that? That’s what we slide into. I will save all my money. I will shut down. I will constrict, and it’s hard not to.
John Borgos [00:23:18]:
Yeah.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:19]:
What are some tools or ideas or thoughts that you have for listeners that can help soothe their nervous system, expand their heart, and just bring them those moments if you know what? Maybe tomorrow, I will be in divorce court or with my CPA, and it will be stressful. But what can I do right now today to breathe and to release and to open up?
John Borgos [00:23:44]:
Yeah. Well, the first thing is to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is real instead of resisting it. It’s like I’m in scarcity right now. My and and for women who’ve it’s again, the income gaps
Lora Cheadle [00:23:58]:
Yes.
John Borgos [00:23:59]:
The the salary gaps in relationships between men and women is is a real thing. Not across the board. It’s not it’s like that for everybody. For a lot, there’s women have been more caretaking, taking the job that pays less, relying more on the man. He’s making the money. Then there’s a breakup, and it’s like, well, here you go. I’ll give you a sick month siphon or whatever, and then go figure it out. And so that’s that’s hard.
John Borgos [00:24:22]:
It’s it’s an adjustment. And to be with the reality of that, it’s like, okay. Not to get caught up in in having to churn it all the time in your mind, but just breathing in. It’s like, okay. This is real.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:38]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:24:39]:
And I’m a and today, I have all the abundance that I need. For today, I have all the abundance that I need.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:45]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:24:45]:
I have all the abundance that I need for tomorrow based on where I am. It’s gonna be uncomfortable choosing something different and acclimating to something new, and I acknowledge that. And just realizing that there’s an authority that you have within of yourself to take a so to take a sober look at things. It’s a sober look at things because, again, we can put our head in the sand. I’ll be alright. My friends will support me, and I don’t know. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. In the background, that anxiety is just building up.
John Borgos [00:25:22]:
But that sobriety is really something that that relationship is putting right in your face, and the trail on top of that is is hard. I was on a in a conversation on on this on this side note. I was in an interview the the other day, and and a woman came on and she was speaking about heartbreak and relationship, and and and she just doesn’t know. And it’s like and so my question to her, and I thought I was gonna take that question in a particular direction. My question is, like, did you receive any love from this relationship? Any love. I expect her to say yes. Right. It’s like, no.
John Borgos [00:26:06]:
I I received no love from this whatsoever. No love whatsoever. She was, no. He was a narcissist. There’s no love in it whatsoever. And I go, you should be freaking celebrating.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:16]:
Yes.
John Borgos [00:26:17]:
You should be celebrating. If why would you wanna keep perpetuating a relationship where there was no love? It’s like, why are you heartbroken? What did what did you lose?
Lora Cheadle [00:26:31]:
Right.
John Borgos [00:26:32]:
And take an inventory of what we believe that we’ve lost, what’s actually here, and the opportunity of what wants to be created next can be really empowering and sobering as well. And, again, when we talk about finances and being left alone and devastation of betrayal, There’s a lot of emotions that run through, but just pausing to be the therapist outside looking into the situation or the CPA outside looking into the situation. And this opening up that there’s more support that you have in your life Mhmm. That you believe is possible because it always feels like we’re on an island by ourselves when we’re experiencing something like this. And we’ve been taught to keep it private, that there’s devastation. We can’t talk about finances, that I can’t ask anybody for help. And the truth is, it’s one of my biggest fears is that my finances are gonna go, and the business is gonna go to crap. And what’s worst case scenario of that?
Lora Cheadle [00:27:37]:
Right.
John Borgos [00:27:38]:
I get to go couch surf on on on on one of a 100 friends’ couch, or, that would take me in in a heartbeat. Or 1 of 5 friends’ couch, or I’ll have to call my brother. It’s like, hey. I’m coming over. I don’t know for how long, but it’s we always think that we’re so alone in this and just to take a deep breath also and just know this is what’s real right now. This is the truth. And to celebrate the truth because it’s the truth is what provides the freedom that you’ve looked for all your life. We looked for freedom through relationship.
John Borgos [00:28:19]:
We looked for it through financial security. We look for it through political structures. We look for freedom in all areas of our side of ourselves, but so many of us aren’t living in truth. Again, my relationship, I wasn’t living in truth because I wasn’t willing to call it up. It was my fear.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:36]:
Right.
John Borgos [00:28:36]:
If I don’t have to look at my relationship, it’s okay. I don’t have to look at my bank account this month or next month. Cool. I don’t have to face that fear.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:45]:
Yes.
John Borgos [00:28:46]:
And that’s just it’s it’s getting practical and and knowing that you used to have so much already, we can only look at it that way.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:54]:
Mhmm. Mhmm. So so much goodness because, yes, we are so good at pretending, and we have so much more available to us than we’re also willing to admit to. And that’s why I think it’s so powerful to have the conversations, to share what it is we’re feeling. When you described earlier, I just had this sense that something was wrong. I was living in some sort of untruth. That’s a subtlety. That’s a shade of gray.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:22]:
Oh my gosh. We’ve all been there.
John Borgos [00:29:24]:
We have all
Lora Cheadle [00:29:25]:
been there. Let’s talk about it, and then let’s keep the conversation going. Hey, John. This is what you did. Hey, Lora. What did you do? Hey. What’s going on? Because the more we talk about, the more we give voice to those things, the more normal it becomes, and then the less threatening it is to call it out.
John Borgos [00:29:42]:
And
Lora Cheadle [00:29:43]:
the less threatening it is to also say, I am in this place of uncertainty, and these are my fears. I’m afraid the business will go away. I’m afraid. Because when we speak it, we take the power out of that fear because we are all connected, because we all feel similar sensations and similar points of unrest and dis disassociation and distraction in our own lives and relationships. And you’re right. We’re not alone in any of this.
John Borgos [00:30:15]:
Right. I think one of the hardest things that truly that that truly we all eventually get to, and it’s we have to face the fact that in some ways, we’ve betrayed or abandoned ourselves. Always. And and we get there in different ways. It it happens when someone transitions, like when my father died. Again, that was an ending of a relationship, moving the pieces on the chessboard, but really being pissed off at my dad for not taking care of himself, for not showing up, for not being honest, for leaving us in this place, you know, abandoned because he couldn’t be responsible enough to be in this truth. It’s the same as in a breakup in a relationship. They couldn’t show up in a way that I expected them to or thought that they would, and I thought they’d be here forever.
John Borgos [00:31:02]:
And, and the rug got pulled out from under me, and now I’m holding the carnage of them not being in their integrity.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:12]:
Yes. Yes. And that can bring up so much rage, so much frustration, so much anger, and that’s a lot to hold. And I love how you said feel the feelings because I’m a big believer in that until we feel it and acknowledge it and start flowing it. I do a lot of somatic processing as well. We’ve got to let that flow and breathe through it and grieve through it.
John Borgos [00:31:38]:
But Enrage through it. Yes. Yes. Yeah. That’s what happens in in with our emotions. As children, we’re taught to stop our feeling short. It’s like you’re throwing a tantrum, stop it at your knees or your ankles. If you’re having a sexual impulse as a 4 year old, oh my god.
John Borgos [00:31:55]:
Stop it there.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:55]:
Stop it
John Borgos [00:31:56]:
in your root chakra. If you’re having an out person and a cry as a man, nope. Can’t cry. Do that. Stop it at your chest. Stop it at your heart. So emotions get stuck in our body because we’re taught to suppress.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:09]:
Yes.
John Borgos [00:32:10]:
And then we suffer, and we pent up, and then we start creating our realities based on however safe we feel that we can express ourselves and how we feel that we have to mold our emotions for the sake of being received from other people and from society. And we have to again, the natural way of experiencing as emotion comes up and we process it fully through our body, not stopping it and letting it evolve and trusting that no matter how intense those emotions may be, because as a man, if I feel rage, oh my God, who am I? Who are women gonna think that I am and I’m not safe for men gonna think that I am that they have to rage against me and war against me? Who might I destroy in the process if I really let myself be that wild?
Lora Cheadle [00:32:56]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:32:57]:
And free in the fear of what may come out of us has so many of us, you know, holding ourselves back not only in our emotional expression, but in our sexual expression in our expression of our voice and our truth and our creative expression in the way that we stand up for the life that we want to live, the type of jobs that we wanna have, all because we’re afraid that we’re going to be rejected, abandoned, not supported, or not received, and therefore, be outcast in society in one way or another.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:32]:
Mhmm. Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:33:34]:
It’s it’s not fair. We need to create a different way of doing it. It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:38]:
It is. And that goes back to what you said earlier, and I wrote it down. I really loved it. That you’ve created that sense of inner peace, and you have you because of your inner peace, you are now living in this paradise. And when you talk about inner peace, it’s not just always beautiful hearts, flowers, waterfalls, jungles. Inner peace is also the ability to let that rage out in a healthy constructive way so you can hold yourself, so you can show up for yourself. So you are solid enough to say, this is how my rage comes out. I don’t destroy and hurt others with it, but this is how it flows through me, and that also creates a healthy paradise inside.
John Borgos [00:34:20]:
Yeah. I mean, nature is such a perfect example of that, and we are we’re natural beings. And so what Gaia expresses so organically through her beingness and the way she channels the energy, and she attunes and clears and and puts out fires and lights other ones and brings in the common rains. And it’s just it’s it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful symphony, and it’s it’s we have permission to do that. As a matter of fact, we’re that’s what’s gonna bring about the healing of the earth is as we embrace the capacity to be that wild net elegant simultaneously.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:04]:
Mhmm. Absolutely. And then just bringing that down, landing the plane totally. One of the concerns that so many of the listeners have around that is what if I never find love again? And you know what? All of this stuff that we’re talking about, this ensures that you find love again because you have that love inside, because you have that elegant symphony, because you can clear your emotion, because you can use the rage, you can use the beauty, you can have all of that as a healthy inner world, and then you attract other people who are doing the same thing. It’s not the narcissist narcissist relationship. It’s not the angry toxic relationship. It starts within. So as we’re talking about some beautiful deep consciousness raising concepts, I just want listeners to know this is practical.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:56]:
I want you to walk away from the show being, like, I’ve had my mind expanded. I’ve had my heart expanded. My soul is free and in service of that, it creates a beautiful, grounded, practical life. So my concerns about money, kids, love, safety, joy, being received, being seen, being heard, that’s how we get it. It’s not that we just read 5 things to do in a book. We see a therapist 5 times, check, check, check, check, check. Why can’t I have a happy life? This is why. It’s bigger than that.
John Borgos [00:36:32]:
Yeah. And in the bigness, we’re being called to hold really high standards in how we expect to be received and treated and loved as well. So it’s no longer somebody else coming in, and it’s like they’re trying to figure out how to love us so that we can receive them. But it’s like holding such a beautiful field of what we are choosing to create, how we’re choosing to create, how we allow another into our sacred space. Because, again, it’s it’s we’ve we’ve had this space of relationship where it’s, it’s a commodity in different ways and transactions in the way that we’ve grown up. Hey, let’s have a life together and I love you and we’ll go in and I love at different points during our life. We’ll have kids together and maybe we’ll connect again and we’re kinda on a mission together, which is has worked wonderfully. But I truly believe that we’re getting back into an awakening that’s happening in our soul, in our hearts, where we’re where we’re realizing the sacredness of the invitation when we invite someone to commune with us in the way that that we reserve for no other.
John Borgos [00:37:54]:
That it’s it’s not a commodity. It’s not something that can just be exchanged so quickly. And and to invite someone into that space of love really takes that we look in the mirror and that we see ourselves first as that sacred space. You just have to. And you already are. It’s just all the barriers, all the veils that are in front of your eyes that would tell you otherwise. But I can I can guarantee everybody on this call that that’s sacredness? It’s it’s it’s so evident. Yes.
John Borgos [00:38:28]:
And we need to start seeing with different eyes. We need to start having ceremony with self in in different ways to awaken the kings and queens that that are right there in front of the mirror, in front of you. It is without a doubt, and that’s that’s what changes everything. That changes every circumstance. We create the environment in which we are met and treated in. And if something shows up in dissonance to that, it will reveal itself very quickly. And it’s not, oh my god. I’m heartbroken.
John Borgos [00:38:59]:
And, yes, that can happen. But it’s like, thank you for demonstrating that you weren’t to meet me in that sacred space, and I’m open to who’s prepared to do that. And so all those clearings, if you will, are also karmic clearings in different ways. How quickly do you decide to go through that karmic clearing is dependent on how quickly you’re willing and able to. Because sometimes we can’t see beyond our own hands in front of us, and that’s okay. But we can embrace our empathic nature to feel something’s off. And then we can have the confidence, the self compassion to express with another. Hey, something feels off.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:44]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:39:45]:
Can we just speak honestly? And if and and you invite the honest conversation. We don’t invite someone to be clear of us if we’re not being clear, if we’re trying to be tricky to find the truth from them. No. It’s direct. It’s a very masculine energy, but but in honor of the feminine to be something’s off, or I feel uncomfortable about this, or I think you’re lying to me, or I I don’t know why I feel jealous, but can we have an honest conversation about this? And if we’ve gone through a big heartbreak, those signs were already in the field. We just weren’t present enough to feel it enough. Mhmm. We would rather ignore or pretend it wasn’t there, or we didn’t know how to have the conversation.
John Borgos [00:40:38]:
And, God forbid, we didn’t wanna accuse someone else of doing something against us, but it’s not an accusation. It’s a vulnerability. And if we can approach it with that vulnerability, it builds bridges. It doesn’t destroy.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:51]:
Right. And there’s some beautiful layers in that because when we approach somebody, if they can meet us and speak honestly and we can start talking about what is that feeling, what does it mean, it deepens the connection. It deepens the relationship. And it’s frustrating when people kind of start gaslighting us. But here’s the thing with gaslighting. We’re gaslighting ourselves. When somebody is telling us, no, no, no, that’s not it, that’s not it, but that feeling is still there. Are you massaging your own fears and telling yourself that it’s okay? I just wanna raise my hand.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:36]:
Yeah. I’ve done that. You know? Yeah.
John Borgos [00:41:39]:
I love that you’re bringing I love that you’re bringing that up also because it’s I’ve definitely been in in dynamics where that gaslighting was occurring, and it’s confusing. It’s swirling. I’m losing myself, and I don’t know where I am in the conversation. And it’s so important again. When we start practicing allowing our feelings to flow through our body, we can start having enough body awareness and intelligence. Like, woah. I’m spinning. Yes.
John Borgos [00:42:01]:
And you know what? I’m I’m not in a clear space right now. I’m gonna step back because I’m not understanding what’s what’s going on right now. And just take into space because we don’t need the answer right there and then because you’re not gonna get it. And we have to recognize that we’re being spun out by gaslighting, maybe by our own fears. We’ve left our body, and it’s like it’s it’s like, we don’t even know what we’re saying anymore other especially when we start getting into the fence or start talking in circles. It’s like, deep breath. Let me just pause. Something doesn’t feel right, and we don’t have to demand it from anybody in front of us or for them to give us the clarity.
John Borgos [00:42:40]:
We have to learn to give it to ourselves first and foremost.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:43]:
Yes. Yes. We have to learn to give everything to ourselves first and foremost, and that’s hard. And you were talking about an example a little bit earlier too, and I was thinking I was thinking that same thing. So often when we bring something to somebody from that place of honesty and their response is, no. I can’t meet you that way, or they do something that shows and demonstrates they can’t meet us that way, instead of us accepting that, we want to change them. Well, I’m sure you can do it. Well, maybe if I explain it this way, then you can meet me this way.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:20]:
And again, that’s on us and it’s so hard because when I bear my soul to somebody, I want to be received.
John Borgos [00:43:28]:
Mhmm. Yeah.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:28]:
I also cannot I can’t convince you to receive me. And you had said that earlier about earning love versus receiving love. And again, I know I want to earn love. I know that is something that I fall into. I know that I don’t have to do it, but I can also see that and know that about myself. And I would just love for you to talk again about that concept of earning versus receiving love because I think I don’t think it’s just me. I think all of us No. Other people who love us.
John Borgos [00:43:58]:
Do it. We but but we catch ourselves in those transactional exchanges also because eventually, those start depleting us in different ways. Emotionally, they’re draining physically. They can be draining, and they could be draining when we earn love in particular situations where they affect our habits and how we take care of our body and in our diets. The relationships that we have outside of that particular dynamic where we’re overgiving and we don’t find that we have time for our interest. Like, it’s it’s such an overcompensation that there’s not a co creation and interest that support the 2 becoming 1. Because how wonderful. Don’t we all want that relationship where where someone shows up in their essence? We show up in our genius, and together, we build something that is beyond what the individual could do Yes.
John Borgos [00:44:54]:
Which is amazing. But we have to realize when there’s the imbalance of the earning love. Because once you start trying to earn love, we also start in training our partner. Hey. This is the way that I expect you to treat me and how you can receive. And then after a while from that earning love, they’re doing what we taught them to do, and then we’re making them wrong because they’re not doing it because it’s exhausted us all of a sudden. Because our accounts got depleted, and we have nothing less to give. But and then they’re like, what? Everything was great.
John Borgos [00:45:26]:
I was receiving, and I really loved it. It was amazing. You kept giving and giving and giving and giving and giving, and numb, taking, taking because it feels amazing. And I thought that’s the way you love me. You love me. But oh, shit. Wait. It was me.
John Borgos [00:45:39]:
I trained you to do that. Hold on a second. Yeah. So it’s it’s fascinating and receiving. I went through several big spiritual initiations over the last 10 years, and there was a couple of initiations that were really going down into my shadow, my dark side going in and excavating. I’ll call those my Kali Yuga years, the the goddess that destroys everything in order to make it pure. And I’ve gone through a couple years of that. It was supposed to be 1 year.
John Borgos [00:46:12]:
She came back and said, you’re not done. There’s more. I was like, alright. Let’s go. And I surrendered to it. After that phase, I I I heard very specifically, this is a new year for you. This is a year for you to receive. This is you.
John Borgos [00:46:25]:
You’re receiving. My god. About freaking time. I’ve been doing all this personal development, spiritual work, connecting with my guides, opening, following the guidance in so many different ways is, like, I’m cashing in my dharma chips about freaking time. This is exciting. The year of receiving, I call it
Lora Cheadle [00:46:48]:
Yeah.
John Borgos [00:46:48]:
Was one of the hardest initiations that I had to go through. To learn to open my heart
Lora Cheadle [00:46:54]:
I bet.
John Borgos [00:46:55]:
To siphon and control the way that I am loved so that I can feel safe or that I can receive others. The abundance that wanted to flow through me, but that I was contracted against and all the work that I had to do to contract Mhmm. To keep it out. Wow. What an initiation, and we don’t realize how close off we are to receiving when we’re such givers because that’s our safety mechanism. That’s our comfort zone. And the world wants to give to us so much, and we put a barriers to it all around us because what if the other shoe drops? What if it’s too much? What if I become a different person? What it’s, like, so many other things that get in the way and the preparedness of what might go wrong, like I said earlier. And it’s still an initiation.
John Borgos [00:47:50]:
It’s still an opening, and and I don’t believe in this lifetime we’ll be done with that initiation of receiving a receptivity of the love that’s really here for us. It does get a little bit easier. Yes. Good. Maybe it’s more magical, and it’s fun. And it’s being willing to jump off the cliff without knowing where you’re going to land and and realizing as Terrence McKenna said, that you will fall on a feather bed.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:18]:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You will. And you know something that I tell that I tell people a lot, and I’m just gonna restate it here too. Wherever and however you land, you are fully equipped. You are fully equipped. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be landing there.
John Borgos [00:48:35]:
Mhmm. And let’s play it. Again, it’s it’s such a hard it’s such it can be such a heavy conversation y’all, but what’s possible when there’s a clean slate? Yes. And I love the quote, when when nothing is known, everything is possible.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:53]:
Yes. Nothing is known. A brilliant quote. I love that. Right. Yeah.
John Borgos [00:48:58]:
It all feels intense. Like, what ex like, if y’all can tap into those few words and just kinda let the excitement of creating something brand new happen. Mhmm. What would you create? Just play in that energy, play in that creativity, and allow it to come alive. And because, again, we know so much. We know it’s in our bank account. We know where our kids are gonna go to school. We know what neighborhood we’re in.
John Borgos [00:49:25]:
We know that we’re gonna drive to work the next morning, whatever it is that we know in our structure. Let’s create more unknowns.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:34]:
Mhmm.
John Borgos [00:49:35]:
Let’s create more of that creativity. Let’s create more of that pretend the world that we’re gonna hold as a standard of what’s possible and then reverse engineer based on the practical taking our head out of the sand. Okay. Let’s take inventory of what I have, and let’s let’s build the the Legos that I have in front of me, knowing that as I build from this abundance, that more is gonna present itself to keep adding to the layers. And if I need to knock down this creation to build another one, how many times have you done that in your life already? Why are you so afraid of doing it? Build a new one and be excited about it and invite the love, the friendship, the playfulness, the awe. Yeah. It’s knowing that there are gonna be times. Hey.
John Borgos [00:50:22]:
Fear’s gonna come in. There’s gonna be a demon that’s gonna kinda try to distract it. There’s gonna be all these things, like, whatever. I know you well. I’ve I’ve recognized you from my past or another lifetime, or I recognize you through a friend in their circumstance, or what’s happening in the world. It’s like, you can’t scare me anymore because the power that you have over me is only the power that I’ve given to you, and I choose to sever that relationship for once and for all. So that breakup, that letting go of that relationship, let that be the next relationship that you say hell no to.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:04]:
Absolutely. Yeah. Embrace this gift of infidelity. It did level your world.
John Borgos [00:51:09]:
Yeah.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:10]:
Then you don’t have to take apart that little LEGO structure. It was already taken apart, so dream big. Mhmm. Where can listeners find you? Where they where can they learn more about you? Where can they just listen to more of your wisdom?
John Borgos [00:51:24]:
Oh my god. I run the show beyond the ordinary show, dotcom. You can go on there. There’s a YouTube channel that goes along with it. There’s live calls that we do there with amazing teachers and channels and sidekicks. It’s super fun. And to find out more about some of the other things that I do, you can go to johnbergos.co.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:41]:
Wonderful. Thank you so much. I just looked at the time and I was like, wow. This went by so quickly. And I feel like we’re just starting to scribe to the surface. Yeah.
John Borgos [00:51:52]:
We’ll have to do it again. Yeah.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:53]:
Yeah. Let’s definitely do it again. Listeners, I really want you to hold this and hear this and listen to this. And I also ask that if there is a part of your mind that is throwing up resistance, that is saying, well, that won’t work for me or, well, he doesn’t understand what it’s like or she doesn’t get it, To recognize that’s okay. That’s just your ego popping in. Just open. Listen. You don’t have to lean in and change your life in the next 15 minutes.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:24]:
Let it percolate. Let that sand head come out of the sand a little bit. You know, all of my work with burlesque, it’s teasing. Teasing is more fun than just flashing it and pulling everything out anyway. Tease and dance, play, flirt. Think about what is possible for you. John, thank you so much for being here and listeners have an amazing week and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. Life can really knock you down sometimes, especially after a tough breakup or when someone betrays your trust.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:03]:
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Narrator [00:54:33]:
Tune in next time to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.