Healing from betrayal does not have to be hard. When you are clear about what being on the other side of betrayal looks like, it’s easier to get yourself there – to figure out which steps you need to take and what kind of help you need.
This is the story of my recovery journey, what I did, what made that journey easier and quicker, and what you can do to mend your broken heart, shattered soul, and reclaim yourself.
- The power of a clear decision and how deciding what you want, what you will and will not tolerate, and how you want to feel can impact your healing journey for the better.
- Why grief and rage are necessary first steps to recovery and why they should be embraced and felt fully.
- How choosing yourself and your own growth is the single most important piecr of recovery, not ”fighting for your marriage.”
Join my Facebook Group, Affair Recovery for Women and get in on the healing action www.facebook.com/groups/affairrecoveryforwomen/
Need Help Now?
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Schedule your one-hour breakthrough Zoom session with Lora today. Together we will figure out where you are at, what’s blocking you from being where you want to be, and design a clear strategy for how to get you there.
*BONUS!* This session includes 30 minutes of follow-up support. Schedule and pay here: https://calendly.com/loras-schedule/coaching-session
Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again. Learn More & Apply Here! www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com
Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.
Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!
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Purchase Lora’s book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self on Amazon, IndieBound or wherever books are sold.
You’re listening to FLAUNT!!!!!, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal, a podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery email@example.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!!!!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I am Lora Cheadle, and I decided not only am I going to film this show as an audio podcast, I also turned my video on, and I’m doing it on Zoom. So if you wanna find me on my YouTube channel and watch this, You can do that too. And the reason why I’m doing that, even though I just got done working out And I’m literally in sweats and a hat and I look really gross is because I wanted to look you in the eye As I shared the content from this show. So my YouTube channel is Lora Cheadle, Life choreographer. And, also, if you just Google YouTube and Lora Cheadle, my channel will pop up. But because I’m sharing this, my recovery journey, I also wanted you to have the option To have it feel more like we were having a conversation, like, we were sitting down in front of each other over coffee for tea or even a glass of wine, and we were sharing.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:52]:
Because I know how important it is To be able to sit down 1 on 1 sometimes and be seen and be heard and to ask questions And to just understand what happened for another person because in hearing other people’s stories, It can also really help us learn how to navigate our own our own story, our own systems, our own journey, but I think, most importantly, our own mindset. Because summing up this whole show even before it begins, my whole healing journey really did start and end with a choice, and that choice was the choice that I had to make for and about me, and that choice was, how did I want to feel, Who did I want to be, and what did I want to make of this journey? I had to choose what the outcome was in order to achieve that outcome. Because if you’re anything like me and so many of the women that I work with, you get overwhelmed Because your whole life is not what you thought it was, and it’s totally different. And you’re shattered, and you’re heartbroken, And you’re in pain, and how do you know what to do to heal? Like, people listen to the show because they want to know how to heal. People coach with me either for my whole 6 month big package or just 1 on 1 periodically because they wanna know what to do. They want to know how to heal. We all want to heal. Nobody wants to remain broken their whole life.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:54]:
Nobody wants to remain heartbroken and in pain their whole life. They just don’t. Everybody wants to know how to heal, And that’s why people reach out, whether it’s to a therapist or a coach or clergy. You reach out to somebody because you want to heal. Because being betrayed is, I kid you not, it’s the worst feeling in the world. It is the most worthless feeling in the world, and it hurts so freaking bad. And that’s why I’m gonna talk about my recovery journey today Just like we were across from each other 1 on 1 because it’s painful, But it’s also really, really important. For those of you who know, this will be a little bit of a refresher.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:47]:
For those of you who don’t know, welcome to the drama of my journey. After 23 years of Truly what I thought was a really, really good marriage, I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me with 5 different women. One, long term, pretty much the entire 15 years, and the other’s more short term. And, again, as so typical of these situations, it was trickle truth. It was absolute total trickle truth. It was I found out about 1, and then 8 months later, I found out about another, And then I can’t even remember how many months later. No. That was maybe more weeks later.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:38]:
I found out about the long term one, And then we separated. And during that separation, I found out about the other 2. And here’s what’s interesting about that. 1st one I found out about, it was emotional only. And we talked, and we I thought this is such a good opportunity to figure out what he’s thinking, What his pain points are, why he’s doing this to understand. And we talked and we shared, and I really started learning a lot more about about him, and I felt okay about it. I really felt like, okay. We’ve done this.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:22]:
We’ve we’ve put this behind us. Then I found out about the second one, and that was physical. And I was enraged in a lot of ways, but there was also a part of me that was like, We can do this. He’s done the physical thing. He’s done the emotional thing, but we can still do this. And then I found out about the long term one, and that was both physical and emotional. And I was like, No way. No.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:57]:
I mean, no. No. And that’s when he moved out. And then the last 2 came along, And those last 2, both physical, in a weird way brought me back in because that’s when I started realizing this isn’t about Me. This isn’t about me. There is something so significantly wrong with him because who does this? Like, Who does this? Because that’s not me. That’s him, and who freaking does this? And it took him a while to come to the party. It really took him a while, because he was so defensive.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:44]:
And here’s what I’m gonna say about the man. Of course, they’re defensive. Of course, they’re defensive. Sometimes we get so judgy around the man. He’s defensive. Well, holy cow. Wouldn’t you be too? If suddenly the worst thing that you have done is out there in the open, wouldn’t you be defensive too? Because I sure would be. Because I get defensive when people call me out on things that I know I did wrong.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:12]:
I know I did that. Hey. You burned the lasagna. I know I did that. You don’t have to rub it in my face. I know I did that, and that’s such a simple example. I burned the lasagna. There’s not a lot of shame and guilt around that.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:26]:
But even when it’s something simple like that, there tends to be some shame and guilt around that. Imagine if it’s big. I hurt my animal. I hurt my child. I hurt my spouse. I hurt my friend. I oh my gosh. For those of you who have animals, I mentioned animals, tell me there is nothing harder sometimes than deciding when is the right time to have them put to sleep.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:55]:
They’re old. They’re in pain. They’re sick. They’ve got I don’t want that decision. Like, that is the hardest decision. Am I gonna do it right? Am I gonna do it wrong? What do I choose for them? And it’s gut wrenching and it’s heart wrenching and it’s really hard. And then after something happens with your animal, Don’t you think about it? Don’t you perseverate on it sometimes? Was it the right time? Did I do enough? Did I do too much? Did I not do Think about how hard it is. And if you had somebody in your face being like, why did you have them put to sleep at this time? Why didn’t you do this? Why did you do that? It’s hard.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:35]:
So imagine doing something really, really, really, really, really bad, cheating on your spouse, hurting your partner, Ruining your whole life, train wrecking things. Of course, you’re gonna be defensive. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, When first confronted with something like that, it’s gonna be, like, oh my gosh. You are so right, and I was so hurt, and let’s talk about this. Nobody is that percent. Maybe the Dalai Lama is that person, but most people are not that people. So little side by there on defensiveness. So, yes, of course, your partner is going to be defensive.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:14]:
Of course, your partner is going to deny it because They don’t wanna go there. They don’t wanna go to the pain. They don’t wanna go to the guilt. They don’t wanna go to the shame. They also don’t want you to see them as somebody who They love you. They care about you. They have been in relationship with you, and they don’t want you to perceive them as Someone who would cheat. Nobody wants their partner to see them in a bad light.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:40]:
That’s just common too. So, Of course, they’re defensive. My partner eventually came around, And we were able to talk. Part of the reason he came around is because I didn’t push in In that moment, because I let him have his process as well. Why? Not because I’m the Dalai Lama, Not because I’m this amazing guru, but because I wanted answers, because I wanted to figure out what was going on, And I knew the way to get what I wanted. Like I started the show, I made a decision. The decision was I wanted to figure this out. I wanted to understand it because I know me, and the way that I get over things is by having understanding Standing around it by having complete clarity.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:35]:
If there’s not complete clarity and there’s something I don’t get, I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. Maybe it’s the lawyer part of my brain, but I will dig and dig and dig, and I will get to the root cause, and I will dig and dig and dig until it makes sense to me. And sometimes it won’t make sense to somebody else, but that doesn’t really matter. It makes sense to me. And when it makes sense to me, then I feel satisfied Because I understand it. And for me, it’s all about understanding, so I understood it. In order for me to understand what the heck was going on in my husband because clearly something was wrong because a, quote, normal person doesn’t cheat on their partner for 15 years with 5 different women.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:21]:
Like, a normal person doesn’t have a double life. They just don’t, And it wasn’t me. That made it so clear that it wasn’t me. Something was wrong with whom I wanted to figure it out. How am I How am I gonna get that figured out? Not by leaning in and threatening or pushing too hard and driving him away. And as hard as it was for me because I like to pester. I can’t let things go. I gotta figure it out.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:48]:
It bugs me. I pester, pester, pester, pester, pester because I want the answers, because I don’t like that feeling of dissatisfaction. But I was conscious and aware enough to know that I had to back off. I had to get him out of that state of fight, flight, or freeze. I had to give him safety. I had to allow him to have his process and to feel safe in order to connect with me. And my desire to understand was greater than my need to know in that moment. That’s important.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:22]:
My desire to ultimately understand was greater than my need to know in that moment. It’s called delayed satisfaction, and most of us stink at it. Think about whether it’s weight loss, but we want the doughnut now or it’s getting in shape, but we wanna stay in bed now. Most of us suck at delayed satisfaction. We just do. I’m gonna own it. I do. We all do.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:52]:
I wanna save money, but look at these cute shoes. It’s hard. It’s hard to delay our satisfaction, But my desire to figure it out was so great that it didn’t matter how deep I had to dig. I dug it, And I did it, and I was patient, and I was supportive. And because of that, he Let that defensiveness drop and started communicating. And it’s all about communication. So that was the first thing I decided. I decided what I wanted.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:34]:
I decided what I needed, and I needed to understand. You might need something different. What do you need in order to sum this all up at the end of the day? Make that decision, And then do what it takes to get there. So my healing journey began With that realization that this isn’t about me, it was about him, and that I I needed to figure this out or I was gonna stay stuck the rest of my life. And I knew people who were stuck. I knew people who lived a life where they were bitter, revenge filled, hateful, nasty people. We’ve all worked with those people. Maybe those people are in our family.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:20]:
We know those people, and they’re not fun and they’re not pleasant and their life is fun in their life is not pleasant. And I’m a happy person, and I always was a happy person. And I thought, I do not wanna be a bitter man hating old lady. I do not want this to define the rest of my life. I do not want this to define my personality. I do not want this to define my view of love and family and relationships. I don’t wanna be that person. And I was really clear about that.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:54]:
That was the 2nd decision that I made. I don’t wanna be that person. I wanna be me. I liked who I was. I wanna be me or somebody better. I wanna be me or somebody better. On the other side of this journey, I don’t wanna be worse off. When all is said and done at the end of the day, I do not want to be worse off.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:17]:
I wanna be the same or better, And the more I sat with that and the more I thought about it, the more I would start to see, you know what? There’s a lot of ways I could be better, actually. There’s a lot of ways I was complacent. There’s a lot of things that I wasn’t doing. Talk about the delayed satisfaction, I was just kinda stuck in my life RUT. As a mom, I took care of the kids. I went to school. I did activities. I took care of the house.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:43]:
I took care of the animals. I ran my business. It was fine. It was small. It Fine. I worked out. I had my friends. I it was fine, but it wasn’t really everything that it could be.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:57]:
And I had done a lot of spiritual growth and personal work, but you know what? There was more I could do. I could really dig into things. Things weren’t causing huge problems in my life, but you know what? I could dig in more. I could be a better communicator. I could be more emotionally intelligent. Alright. Let’s do it. Let’s do it, and let’s make myself better because the goal was to be better.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:27]:
The other decision that I made Is I was victimized, but I didn’t have to be a victim. I was victimized. I was victimized by by my husband. I was victimized by the other women, especially the ones who knew me. Are you kidding? Are you kidding? You’re gonna do this to another woman? Whether you know that woman or not, are you kidding? What about girl code? What about woman code? Why aren’t we banding together? Why aren’t we supporting each other? Why aren’t we having each other’s back? We are not like top of the pile. The patriarchy is a thing. We rise together. Rising tides lift all boats.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:08]:
Wow, women who are the affair partner. Bad choice. Really bad choice. So you’ve taken a lot away from me. Husband, you’ve taken a lot away from me. 5 women, you’ve taken a lot away from me. I was victimized by all of you, and I am not gonna play the victim. You are not Going to make me a victim.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:35]:
You are not gonna bring me down. You are not gonna keep me on the floor crying. I deserve way better than that. I deserve way better than that. You’ve taken away memories, beliefs, my sense of safety. You’ve Taken a whole heck of a lot away from me. Why am I gonna give you more? Wait, I can give you more. I’m not gonna give you more.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:01]:
I’m not gonna give you more of me boundaries around me. You can try, but you are not taking anything more, and you are not gonna win. You are not gonna keep me broken. You are not gonna keep me depressed. You are not going to keep me outside of love. I’m a relationship girl. I have always been a relationship girl and I always will be. Have I been hurt before? Yes.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:30]:
Will I be hurt again? Yes. But you know what? I love. I love because I’m a lover. I am kind. I connect. I’m empathetic and compassionate. I love all of this relationship stuff. You’re not gonna take that away from me.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:51]:
You’re not gonna make me so scared that I withdraw love, that I put barriers around me. I’m soft and and I’m open hearted, and I wear my heart on my arm sleeve. I’m not gonna let you change me. I might have a little bit of armor on right now as I heal to protect this gushing, gaping wound, But it’s not gonna stay there, because I’m not gonna give you that power. I’m going to retreat until I heal. I’m going to protect myself because I don’t want your grimy fingers in my gaping wound. But once it’s healed, I’m a opening bag up again, and you’re not gonna change me. You’ve taken away too much.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:38]:
You’ve derailed my life during this healing journey, and then I’m back to me. And you can go do whatever you want because you’re not a part of my life. And you might be saying, but you chose to let your husband back in. Yes, I did. And let me tell you. There were boundaries there. There’s still a different layer of boundaries, and that’s okay Because I’m still me. He is proving himself to be trustworthy, And I still have a higher guard for certain things, but not for him and his heart.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:21]:
The connection we have is deeper, and yet I’m more aware. Is it cynical? Not really. It’s aware. I am aware of your wounds. I am aware of your pain. I am aware of your triggers. It’s not that I am blocking myself to give and receive love with you. It’s that I have a higher awareness of what hurts you.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:58]:
In the law, They talk about the eggshell plaintiff. And that whole theory, just in a nutshell, is some people are really hearty, And some people are like eggshells. They crack easily. And that when we approach people, we don’t know if they are rock solid And can never crack, or we don’t know if they’re an eggshell and they crumble easily. And here’s the thing about infidelity. Here’s the about being the betrayed partner, and I want you to hear this. I really want you to hear this. When you were the betrayed partner, you see your spouse, your partner As an egg as somebody who’s more like an eggshell than a rock.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:49]:
And you’re probably going, what are you talking about, Lora? Before I saw my husband as a rock, I saw him as somebody who Oh, yeah. He had a bad childhood. Uh-huh. He could be hurt. We can all be hurt. I saw him as a rock. I didn’t see his vulnerabilities. I didn’t see his pain.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:10]:
I didn’t see his wounding. I see him now as the eggshell. He is the eggshell husband. And, again, you might be going, I so don’t understand where you’re going with this. Who wants to be married to somebody who is fragile as an eggshell? You know what? We’re all fragile. And when somebody else sees us as fragile, That’s an intimate gift of connection, and that is where true love is really built and can flourish. Because he sees my weakest points, and I see his weakest points. When I see his weakest points, Me as somebody who loves him can protect and defend him when I see somebody getting too close to his weakest points.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:04]:
As somebody who loves me, he can protect and defend me when he sees people coming into my weakest points Because we do that for people that we love. Because we do not have that sick, toxic belief that man up. Do it. You will never be hurt. Because we understand, as humans, we’re all fragile, and we all have that point, And we protect those we love. If you have a child who’s self conscious of their nose, you protect them. You pull them out of the conversation when you see them with somebody who is totally making fun of their nose because, you know, like, oh my god. That is their one sore point, and it’s really And, it’s really gonna hurt their families.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:51]:
You step in. You protect. You defend. I see my husband now more clearly. I see his wounding more clearly. I see him as more sensitive in certain areas, and I see not only how other people could get to that point. I see how I got to that point and how I hit him in his most vulnerable spot inadvertently before. So now I change the way I relate to him because I don’t go for the juggler.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:28]:
I can’t say that right now. I don’t go for the juggler. I am kinder because I am more aware. He is kinder because he is more aware, so we are more intimate now. So healing journey, I decided. I decided I was gonna show up different. I decided I was going to understand. I decided I was going to give him more grace.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:58]:
I decided nobody was gonna take anything away from me. I decided I still wanted to connect. I decided I could give myself a time to heal and then I would be better. I have spent so much time talking about these decisions because that’s what healing is about. It’s deciding what you want. It’s deciding how healed is good enough. How healed is good enough? Where were you before? Do you wanna get to that point, or is 90% worth it? Is 80% worth it? I want it to be at a 150% minimum. I want it to be that much better.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:38]:
Now it’s not like I’m better because I just had it on a higher number. That’s me. I wanted that. What do you want? You might want 2000%. You might say, you know what? 80% is good for me. There’s no shame. There’s no right. There’s no wrong.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:55]:
There’s no judgment. It’s just deciding. It’s just deciding. It’s like deciding how much whatever. How many times a week do you wanna work out? How much money do you wanna make? How many kids do you want? There’s no right or wrong, you just decide it. I want 1. I want 10. You pick for you.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:16]:
That’s what I picked. You can pick more. You can pick less. No judgment there. The magic is in the deciding. So how long did that take? Well, again, it’s kinda hard to calculate because the 1st d day was in March. April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 9 months later, I had a clue about another one. January, February, March, 3 months later, I got confirmation around that.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:49]:
April found out the next one maybe. May, Yeah. Found out the other 2. I mean, this is a long time. My son graduated in May. My youngest graduated from high school. That event, having that event on the calendars, I knew I needed to be functional. I knew I needed to heal kind of fast.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:21]:
So from March to May, yeah, 3 months there, I gave myself Permission to fall apart. I literally laid on the floor and cried just about every day. Some of That was permission. Some of that was I didn’t see any other way of doing it because that’s how I felt. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t eat. I could not sleep. Oh my god.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:44]:
I could not sleep. I couldn’t I couldn’t do anything. I was completely shattered. So for about 3 months, I was completely shattered. And during that time that I was completely shattered is about the time where I was starting to make those decisions and figure out how I wanted to come out on the other end. But it’s important to know that I gave myself that time to process Because we’re human and we have emotion and we need to fall apart and we need to grieve and we need to rage. If you have not listened to my show on anger, bookmark it and go listen to it again because anger is healing and anger is empowering and angry Anger is necessary and so is grief. I’m gonna do a show on grief, but you’ve got To be in grief, you’ve got to be in anger.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:39]:
You’ve got to let yourself be shattered and to feel everything fully. And during that time, have those moments of where you wanna be, where you wanna be, where you wanna be. After those 3 months, I was like, I have got to pull it together because it’s graduation, and nobody is going to ruin this memory of my son’s graduation. Nobody is gonna that away from me. And if I let myself be miserable at graduation, I’ve just let you harm me some more. So having that event was empowering for me to get back to enjoying life and being myself. And for the most part, it was. I had moments.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:20]:
I had some real snitty moments, but for the most part, Yeah. I did it. I totally did it. And during that time, I read, and I saw a therapist because I think it’s really important to see therapists early on because they can assess. They can give you medication. They can really stabilize you in those 1st months, in those 1st weeks. My husband saw a therapist, I saw a therapist, And we saw, joint we did some joint marriage counseling together, and that was really helpful because it really gave us something to hang on to. And then I was, like, you know what? This immediate crisis is over, And now it’s growth.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:12]:
And now I need a coach. I don’t need a therapist. We’re still gonna see a marriage counselor, but I don’t need my personal therapist anymore. I need growth, and I need empowerment. And I signed up well, we both signed up for a betrayal recovery retreat, And it was a 3 day experience on learning how to communicate with each other, on having safe Conversations. We did a lot of the Harville Hendrick safe conversations, the Mago dialogue, learning how to do that and learning how to do that around the affair. So in this workshop space, we would have the conversations, but there were the coaches around Who would help us if things got off track, who would help us and be, like, it’s getting too emotional, it’s getting too personal, back it off. And having 3 days of that was so helpful.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:08]:
It was helpful because we were around all of these other couples who had also experienced infidelity. So suddenly you’re like, I’m not a freak. And I’ve said this before in different shows. I thought we were gonna show up at this retreat and that we were gonna be the only normal couple. I thought it was gonna be, like, trashy stuff and Crazy people. And I’m, like, oh, wow. There are people just like me. This happens to normal people too.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:36]:
Wow. That felt good. So they broke us in 2 groups, and they had the women ask Questions of a man who had betrayed his partner, and then they put the men. It was it was mostly men, women. I think there was a couple gender crossover, but not many. They put the men with the woman who had been betrayed so they could ask questions of the person who hurt them and the person that they harmed, but it wasn’t their spouse. So there was that level of safety. So that was really useful.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:13]:
People shared their stories. People shared conversation. We just had the opportunity to be normal And to be in a hotel and to have some fun and to go out to dinner, and we went running, and we worked out in the gym. And, like, just to have that kind of slice of normal Felt really good. And then we had some follow-up support calls around that. Like, how are you doing the Simago dialogue? How are you communicating? And they taught us this communication strategy too about, like, whose burden is it in the conversation To make sure that the other person understands. Because it’s so easy to get frustrated like, you don’t get me. You, you, you, you, you.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:53]:
So We talked about I statements and that if I have the message, the burden is on me to communicate in a way that you understand me. The burden is not on you to understand me. The burden is on me to communicate differently. And that was huge because I was like, oh, no. No. No. The burden should be on him to understand me. And then it was like, nope.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:16]:
The burden is on me to communicate differently in a way that allows you to understand me. Bam. I get that. So we did that 3 day communication retreat. That was great. We continue to see our counselor. My husband continued to do his work. He continued to have more and more insight about how he had felt like the bad guy, how he felt threatened, all of that stuff.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:43]:
Then I signed us up again for a 3 day coaching retreat on, like, sacred intimacy. And I what I loved about that retreat and why it was so good is because we had been doing. I read all the books. That 1st few months, few weeks, we read books and we talked about them and listened to podcasts. Then we graduated to going to the affair recovery weekend. That was good. We learned about communication. We had people help us with our communication.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:14]:
Then we graduated to this intimacy, the sacred intimacy 3 day event. What was amazing about that is that dropped us into a place of be. About what caused the affair, learning about childhood wounding and triggering, learning about each other’s wounds, learning, learning, learning. This retreat was really focused on being instead of doing, and that was profound in a lot of ways Because we would do things like sit and gaze into each other’s left eye and breathe And synchronize our breath with each other. And then we would put a hand on each other’s heart as we continue to gaze into each other’s eyes. And we would feel the energy back and forth, and we would just be with each other. And that was huge. That was really huge to be able to move into that space of being and to really release and relax the nervous system.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:36]:
And that wasn’t until August. So if you think about Really key discoveries happening in March. April, May, June, or July. July, I think. Yeah. July, we did that retreat. 4 months later, communication. Then the next month, be.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:05]:
So that’s, like, 6 months of a lot of heavy processing and then to be in that space of being felt really amazing. And the other thing that we did in that retreat and I teach so many of these things with my clients as I work with them. But one of the things that we did was the sacred anger where we let our anger out And our partner held it, and it was amazing. And it was so powerful because we had to maintain eye contact, left eye to left eye, looking into each other’s left eye. I’ll just cry talking about it because it was so powerful. But they walked us through where we felt all of the sacred rage, The female sacred range from all all throughout history about how women have been harmed and abused and raped and cheated on and threatened and maligned, and to let that come through us And to hold hands and to look into the eyes of the masculine who had harmed us, who was a part of the patriarchy, Not only personally, but collectively. And without changing, without Hitting without hurting, without crumbling, to look in their eyes and to softly hold hands, And to let it come up, however that looked for us, whether it was sobbing, whether it was a wail, whether it was a scream to just let that out Without losing connection, because it’s the connection that matters. And the man could not lose connection either.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:52]:
They could not blame. They could not justify. They could not turn away. They could not say this is too much. We had to be there with each other sending and receiving and feeling. And, I mean, you can tell I can’t even talk about it without crying because it was so powerful and so moving. But that was such a turning point too, and that’s why I do that same activity with my clients because it’s so powerful. So from there, it kind of felt like I could exhale.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:31]:
It’s not that the healing was complete, but that kind of completed a lot of the healing. It was 6 intense months. But during those 6 intense months, I got the tools, a lot of the tools. And then it was up to me to start those tools and to show up differently. And, you know, that whole 1st year is really hard because there’s anniversaries and there’s triggers, and there’s triggers that you don’t see coming. But I felt like, mhmm, for the 1st time, I’ve got a lot of these tools now, and I just have to apply them. And I can use my coach, and I can use my therapist, and I can use my friends, and I can use my communities. Early on, I leaned into a lot of Facebook communities that got really toxic, and I realized how Impacted I was by what was going on with the people around me.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:24]:
I realized that when I was in a man hating community, it was so easy to go down that, Yeah. Once a cheater, I was a cheater, and men suck and blah blah blah blah blah. And that’s, again, not me. I had to constantly come back home to who I was. I had to constantly call myself home and remind myself, Lora, who are you, and how do you wanna feel? And you love, and you’re kind, and you’re gentle, And this is how you want to be. And I don’t have to be a part of this community. That’s their truth, but it’s not my truth. And it’s not judging it that this is bad, but that’s not my truth.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:00]:
And it was really hard for me to find a community that was a good fit for me, which is why I kept even then thinking, maybe I should just create my own community because there’s a lot of people who don’t get it. Oh my god. There’s a lot of people who don’t get it. There’s a lot of people out there who keep focusing on the wound, who keep focusing on the victimization, who keep focusing on obsessive thoughts. Well, if you keep up focusing on them, you’re gonna keep having them. Are they popping up because there’s more information you need? Then seek out that information. Close that loop. My training as a hypnotherapist came in.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:37]:
When you open a loop, the brain will scan the environment to look for answers. Open the loop, scan the environment, get the answers, the loop closes. So what are the questions that you’re asking? If you keep asking questions that lead to painful things, you’re gonna keep getting more pain. Ask questions that lead to a resolution. Quit focusing on the problem all the time. Focus on the solution. We all know the problem. The problem is you were cheated on.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:04]:
We know that. We got that. We don’t need to keep talking about that. We don’t need to keep rehashing that. What is the problem? The problem is you were cheated on. Yes. We got that. What is the problem in your partner? What is their wound? Okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:19]:
Let’s get some clarity around that. But are we focusing on it so we can elevate, Or are we focusing on it so we can blame how stupid they are, so we can shame them how wrong they were? Are we focusing on it so it proves they’re bad and we’re good? So we can be all self righteous and that we’re the good one and that they’re the why are we focusing on that? Get really clear on the questions that you’re ask asking and what you’re focusing on. And that was the point after these things where I was like, okay. Bowing out of a lot of these communities because I don’t need to focus on how bad men are. I don’t need to focus on how broken people are. I don’t need to focus on how much of a victim I am. I don’t need to focus on what was taken away. I need to keep focusing on what I want and how to build that.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:13]:
I don’t need to go back to a fair recovery. I don’t need to go back To the sacred intimacy. I don’t need to go back to these things. These are tools that I learned. Now how am I going to apply in service of what I want? And that right there is the piece that so many people miss. How do I apply it in service of what I want? People have all the tools. People know all the tools, skills, strategies. People get it.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:40]:
How do you apply it? People don’t apply it. They think knowledge is power. Well, only if you act differently. So that’s the first people that people miss, and then the big one is in service of what I want. If you don’t know what you want, how do you get there? In service of what? I have all this knowledge. I have all these tools. Apply them in the service of what? And that goes all the way back down to the beginning of my story and the decisions that I made, how I wanted to be on the other side of this journey. And that’s what I didn’t find in any other affair recovery program.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:22]:
That’s what I didn’t find in any other coach or counselor or book Was that basic question of in service of what? Everybody wanted to throw tools at me. Great. In service of what? Nobody asked me how I want to be on the other side. Nobody supported me in holding that vision, And that’s why I started doing what I do because I’m like, oh my gosh. We are missing this. We’re just throwing tools at people. Maybe we’re getting some application, but nobody is talking about in the surface of what. And And that’s why what I do is so radically different.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:04]:
We start with that vision of how you wanna be on the other side And who you want to be on the other side and how you want to feel and show up on the other side. We start there because that’s what matters is that decision. If you don’t make that decision, you’re not gonna heal. You’re not going to heal. You’re going to have obsessive thoughts for the rest of your life. You’re never gonna get over this. You’ve gotta decide how you want to be. Then you can have tools.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:37]:
Then you can have strategies. Then you can start learning how to apply them. Then you can start using discernment. What works good? What doesn’t work at all? What works great? What do you need more of? Where do you need the support? Where do you need to modify that vision? Because guess what? That vision is gonna change along the way too. Had my husband not shown up and come to the party, I would have had to modify my vision maybe because, yeah, we’re impacted by other people because everybody has free will. We can’t control other people, so we just tweak our vision a little bit. Maybe your vision doesn’t necessarily include a partner either way, and, actually, That’s what I’m a big proponent of. So often people will say, like, in a discovery call because I’ll do discovery calls to see if we’re a good fit to work together, And so often people will say, you and your husband are back together so you can help me save my marriage.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:35]:
And what I’ll say is maybe I’m here to help you save yourself. I’m a proponent of your partner, your husband saving themself. If and only if when you’ve saved yourself and they’ve saved their self, you can come together, you’re gonna have an amazing relationship then. But my goal is not to sacrifice yourself in service of this relationship. If that’s what you want to yourself in service of a relationship. I mean, okay, you do you, but why would you go forward wanting to sacrifice and why would you want your partner to sacrifice themselves in service of the relationship either. I mean, quite frankly, we should all want to be the best versions of ourselves And then come together with somebody who is also the best version of themselves with the joy and the understanding that this is a perfect relationship because we are the best version of ourselves. Like, yay.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:32]:
That’s good. That is totally good right there. My goal for you, what I want for you is for you to be so solid in yourself that it doesn’t matter what Somebody else chooses or doesn’t chooses. What I want is for you to trust yourself inherently, for you to always have your own back and know how to have your own back. What I want is for you to have this incredible discernment for truth. What I want is for you To be able to apply all of this knowledge that you have spent your life collecting. And what I want for you is to have this Unstoppable vision of how you want to be and who you are for the rest of your life. So My betrayal recovery journey was fast.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:22]:
My betrayal recovery journey was easy. I didn’t make all these mistakes along the way because I had discernment, because I had truth, because I had commitment to me. And, you know, There’s there can be wisdom in both ways. I get that. But sometimes when I hear the same thing other coaches being like, let me tell you all the mistakes I made. Yes. I made some mistakes along the way, but the reason I didn’t make so many is because I had that clear vision, and that’s what I want for you too. I wanna give you that clear vision of who you are first because when you have that clear vision of who you are, When you know you’ve got your own back, when you trust yourself first, you’re not gonna make all these mistakes.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:08]:
I don’t want you to make all the mistakes. I didn’t make all the mistakes. I made some, But I didn’t because I trusted myself first, because I knew myself first, because I reclaimed myself first. You can’t reclaim the marriage first. You can’t reclaim your partner first. It starts with you. It’s that whole stupid airline analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask. And the reason I say it’s stupid is because it’s so implicitly obvious, and it’s so frustrating that we don’t do it.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:42]:
And I say that it’s stupid because for years, I’m logical, I’m smart, and for years, I put my kids first, and I put my husband first, and I put my friends first, and I put everybody else first. So it’s stupid because it smacks me upside the head and is like, hello, Lora. And that’s why I say it’s stupid. It’s a great analogy. It’s just that it’s like, Why didn’t I do that? So little story there. But that’s why I’m different as a coach. That’s why my betrayal recovery journey I don’t wanna say it wasn’t that bad. It was horrible, but it uncovered the truth.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:17]:
It uncovered the truth of where I didn’t have my own back. It uncovered the truth of where I sacrificed myself and uncovered the truth of where I gave up too much of myself repeatedly, Year after year, decade after stinking decade. Betrayal uncovered the truth of where I gave away too much. And betrayal recovery is about reclaiming yourself first. And that’s what I did in my journey, and that’s why it was so successful. And that’s why it did go fast, and that’s why I don’t have lingering pain. That’s why I don’t have obsessive thoughts. That’s why I feel free and happy and peaceful and joyful and accepting, And that’s where you can be too.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:09]:
You don’t ever have to have obsessive thoughts. You don’t have to be sad. You don’t have Cry. You don’t have to be in pain. You just have to rescue yourself first. And, Oh my god. If you’re in pain, please reach out. If you have obsessive thoughts, please reach out.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:27]:
If it’s been longer than a year, please reach out. You don’t need to struggle. You don’t need to be in pain. The only things you do need to do, you need to let yourself go through grief. You need to let yourself go through anger, But not forever. There’s no prescribed time. Like, after week 2, it’s all over. But what I can say is after a year, If you’re still struggling, oh my gosh, reach out because it’s about you, And it’s about reclaiming you.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:09]:
So that is the story of my betrayal recovery journey. That is what I did. That’s why I was successful. I can show you how to be successful too. Oh my gosh. I can get you successful really quickly. I can get you feeling better really fast. I know how to do that.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:26]:
That is my superpower. I know how to move that knowledge from your head into your heart and then out into the world. That is my betrayal recovery journey. What is yours? Where are you stuck? Where have you gone off the trail? Where are you lost in a little side ravine? Let’s get you back on track. Let’s get that vision of who and how you wanna be, and let’s move on. Books are great. Podcasts are great. Learning communication skills is great.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:10]:
Getting an understanding of trauma is great. Sing a therapist to dig out some of your childhood stuff, Challenging your beliefs, seeing a coach to move you forward, having a spiritual practitioner to connect you to your heart, To provide grace, having friends, reengaging with yourself and your hobbies And what brings you joy? Animals, nature, trees, all of that stuff that we talk about as self care. I just did a show on self care too. It’s really important because because it’s not self care for the self sake of self care. It’s anything that returns you home to who you are. How do you come back home to who you are? How do you take care of yourself first? How do you reclaim your beautiful heart and soul? That is what healing from betrayal is all about Because betrayal uncovers where you’re not taking care of you. Start with the root cause. It’s the lawyer part of me.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:15]:
Gotta go to the root cause. Go to the root cause. Reach out. Let me help. But this is my journey, And I really thank you for listening, and I know I get fired up. I do get fired up Because there’s so much misinformation out there, and there’s so much needless heart heartache and pain and drama drama drama drama drama. No drama here. So thank you for listening to my passion.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:49]:
Thank you for being here, for being willing, Because, truly, it all starts with willingness. Are you willing to do something different? Are you willing to feel different? Are you willing to do something that you’ve never done before in service of feeling better? And that’s a huge piece of it too. I was willing to try anything. I felt awful, and I will try anything. If you said stand on your head and recite the pledge of allegiance, I would have been like, okay. I don’t see why, but okay. And until you’re at that point, until you’re willing to try something and to be different, nothing will change. I say this all the time too.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:31]:
My favorite quote is Einstein. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. What do you keep doing and expecting a different result? What if it was standing on your head and reciting the pledge of allegiance? Would you be willing to do it? Try something different. Do something different. Reach out because you can feel Good. And I can get you there. If you have questions, let me know. And above all, ask yourself, am I willing to see this differently? Am I willing to show up differently? Am I willing to do something different? Have an amazing week.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:21]:
And as usual, always remember to FLAUNT!!!!! exactly who you are because who you are is always more Not
enough. Tune in next time to FLAUNT!!!!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.