Moving on after infidelity

Feeling stuck after infidelity or betrayal is common, but what does it mean to “move on?” Are you subconsciously “pushing away” love and healing or do you need more time or more tools to heal? In this episode, you will learn what it means to move on, how to move on, especially when you are stuck, and what to do when others (especially your cheating partner) are telling you that you should move on, even when you aren’t ready.

Top Take-a-Ways:
  1. **Understanding Betrayal Blindness**: We will explore the concept of betrayal blindness, where you might ignore the realities that don’t fit your desired narrative. Recognizing this can be a pivotal step in accepting the need for change and can empower you to make decisions based on truth rather than convenience or fear.
  2. **The Importance of Slowing Down**: Tools and techniques that encourage you to slow down and assess your situation thoughtfully. It’s crucial to determine if you’re stuck in denial or if you’re procrastinating on taking the necessary steps towards healing. This part of the episode will help you identify whether your reasons for not moving forward are internal, requiring personal work, or external, requiring changes in your environment or relationships.
  3. **Resistance and Its Role in Healing**: Finally, we’ll discuss the role of resistance in the healing journey. Understanding how internal resistance can manifest as self-sabotage or an inability to complete healing exercises will provide insights into how changing deep-seated beliefs can lead to significant behavioral changes.

By the end of this episode, you’ll have a clearer understanding of where you stand, what’s holding you back, and how to embrace change with an open heart. So, let’s get started and take these first pivotal steps toward healing and creating a life filled with joy and authenticity. Remember, you deserve to live a life that not only feels good but also true to who you are.


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About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

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Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and today, we are going to talk about how to move on. I know so many of you feel stuck. You truly feel like I can’t move on. I can’t move on. I wanna move on, but I can’t move on. Or, alternatively, you are being pressured to move on, and people are like, why can’t you just get over it? And you’re like, are you kidding me right now? Why can’t I just get over this right now? And it might be other people around you who are just uncomfortable sitting with the sensation, and it might be your partner who’s like, come on.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:50]:
Let’s just put this in the past. You know, this is in the past. Quit bringing up the past. It’s over. Yeah. No. We are going to talk about all of that because although although those are, like, 3 different situations, the root cause is the same. So first, how to move on when you desperately want to move on, but you don’t know how.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:18]:
2nd, How to move on at your own pace and get comfortable moving on at your own pace when other people are pressuring you to move on. And 3rd, what to do when your partner is pressuring you to just move on and to put all of this in the past. So we are going to talk about all three of those scenarios today because there’s a lot like I just said, there’s a lot of common denominators among them. Okay. The first thing I want you to think about is moving on. Move on. The word move is about motion, like, it’s a verb, to move. In order to move, there are 2 ways to move.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:41]:
You can spin in a circle. That’s movement. You’re spinning, but you’re moving. And the second place is moving ahead, making progress. I’m not even going to necessarily talk about moving backwards because that’s not really where we wanna be, but motion either goes forward, it goes backwards, or goes in a circle. And I want you to have that analogy, that thought in your brain anytime somebody asks you to move on. Move, it’s a verb. How am I moving? And you could ask yourself that.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:23]:
How am I moving? Where am I moving to? Am I moving with calm, centered, grounded energy? That’s healthy moving on. Am I moving with frantic, frenetic, schizophrenic, psycho, too fast, urgent, stressed energy? That’s not really how we want to move. Are you moving like you’re moving through a fog, Like you’re moving through a swamp? Like, you can barely put one foot in front of the other. Is that, like, depressive energy? Are you in rage? Are you in, like, damn. Just gotta do this. Shoot, you know, to the moon. Shoot. Gotta go.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:14]:
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. What is the quality of the movement? And that’s that first question. What is the quality of my movement? And then I want you to just stop and think about that and assess that for a while.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:38]:
If somebody’s asking me to move on or if I want to move on, where am I moving and what is the quality of my movement? What is the quality of my movement? And unless and until the quality of your movement is healthy, I really encourage you to pause, to breathe, to figure some more things out, to give yourself more time to grieve, to process, to do whatever it is you need to do. Because in order to move on, that movement needs to be healthy, purposeful movement. And that was the other question. Where are you moving to? Are you moving ahead into life as a happily divorced empowered person? Are you moving ahead into a new chapter of your marriage, or are you hoping to move ahead into a new chapter of your marriage? Are you moving backwards into the same relationship that you had before that led to all of these problems that you’re experiencing now? Where are you moving to? What are you moving into? And I know so many of the people that I coach say, I don’t know what I want yet. Perfect. Oh my gosh. You are not expected to know what you want yet. You just had the rug totally pulled out from under you.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:16]:
How would you know what you want yet? Give yourself time to figure that out. And then once you have figured that out, then you know where to move to, then you know where to move to. But I really want you to focus on the quality of that movement because it’s not always just about, where am I going? I’m gonna be a powerful, divorced woman. I’m gonna put this marriage back together, and we’re gonna have the relationship that we always wanted. That’s great to know that, but how are you gonna get there? Because even if you and your partner are on the total same page without therapy, we figured this out. We’re working with a coach. I see Lora once a month. I do her meditations every day.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:05]:
I’m active in the Facebook group. I’m doing all of this amazing stuff, and I’m really feeling healthy, and I know where I’m gonna go, but I’m doing it at this weird pace. That’s not healthy or effective. It’s not healthy or effective. Healthy movement is purposeful yet calm. Purposeful yet calm. We know the nervous system is activated when we start doing things in a rush. My partner has to come to the party today.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:39]:
By the end of the week, we gotta figure it out. And things are really, really rushed and really frantic and frenetic, and we’re like, I’m gonna read all the books today. I’m gonna read all the books. I’m gonna listen to all the podcasts. Notice the quality of that energy. Notice the quality of that drive. And if you’re going too fast, try to slow yourself down. Tools to slow yourself down include journaling, meditation, talking to a friend, calling your coach.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:13]:
If you work with me, you have me on retainer. You have access to me 247. You have the ability to send me boxes all the time, anytime. Send me a box and say, I’m so frantic. I’m so like, I gotta do this today. I’m feeling urgency. A feeling of urgency can really be a trauma symptom. A feeling of I gotta take it all.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:39]:
I gotta take care of it all right now. I’m running out of running out of time. We gotta do this. That could be a symptom of trauma. Talk to your therapist. Talk to me. Talk to a friend. Meditation, journaling, those are all tools to help slow it down.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:58]:
Right. Instead of speak, right. Instead of speak. The other thing is that movement can be too slow. I’ll do it later. I’ll do it later. It’s important to give yourself time to heal. Yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:14]:
But are you one of those people who are like, yeah. We’re 3 years out from the infidelity. We’re a whole year and a half out from the infidelity, and I don’t feel good. I still don’t feel good. That’s not okay either. Not that healing needs to be put on a timetable. It doesn’t. And yet at the same same time, if you’re over a year out and you’re still not feeling better, maybe there could be a little bit more urgency in moving through this.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:48]:
Not healing it, not getting over it and moving on, but in moving through it. Maybe you need more time to grieve and process. That is totally fine. I am not pushing you to grieve and to process and to do things any quicker than you need to grieve and process and do things. But I am saying, look at yourself. Are you giving yourself too much space? And are you not moving forward because you’ve got a fear? Are you not moving forward because you’re afraid you’re gonna make a mistake? Are you not moving forward because you’re afraid to commit maybe resources or time to a coach, to a therapist, to a program only to be disappointed later on. Because it’s easy to be like, I’m just gonna slow this down. I’m gonna really slow roll this and I’m not gonna lean in because if I don’t lean in, I can’t fail.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:48]:
See how that works? If I don’t really try, I won’t know. Something that I hear so often is I don’t know if my marriage is gonna work. I don’t know if my partner can do this. I don’t know if I wanna be here or not. But instead of leaning in and giving it all they’ve got, So many people just stay in that perpetual state of, like, potential. Potentially, it could work out great. And as long as I don’t lean in, I won’t know for sure. So I’m just gonna stay here.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:24]:
Yep. One day, I’ll see if it’s gonna work. But then you’re staying in that stuck space of never really noticing, of never really knowing, of never really living fully. And, yes, yes, it’s hard to know sometimes. It’s really hard to know sometimes. It’s hard to lean in, to want your marriage to work, and to find out it’s not gonna work. That’s a bitter pill to swallow. That’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:57]:
And that’s why I think it’s important to have enough time to really decide, but to not stay stuck in. Maybe my partner will do this. Maybe I will do this. And to actually call it at some point. To actually call it at some point so you know. No. I’m sure nobody really wakes up thinking, yay. Your divorce is gonna be so much fun.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:24]:
But isn’t it better to know and to move on and to be through it than to spend 5 more years in the state of, I don’t really know, and maybe it’s gonna work and falling in love with somebody’s potential, but not really being able to actualize and live fully the way you want to live. That’s not fun. That is not fun. So when I talk about moving on, I want you to think about all of that. 1st, the quality of your movement. Is it too fast? Slow down. I gave you a couple tools to slow down, journaling, meditating, talking to your coach. 2nd, are you not moving at all? Are you staying stuck? Are you stuck in the muck? Are you just kind of deluding yourself? If you feel like, you know, I just don’t wanna admit it to myself.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:17]:
I don’t want to admit that this is really over. I wanna wait till my kids get older. I wanna wait until something happens. If you don’t wanna admit something to yourself, here’s the thing. Admit it to yourself, but then say that you’re not ready to take action on it. Totally different energy to be like, nope, it’s all fine. And to say somewhere inside, I know I’m gonna need to leave somewhere inside. I know this isn’t going to work.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:50]:
I’m just not ready to act on it somewhere inside. I know whatever. I’m just not ready. And that’s what I really want to challenge you to do is to admit it to yourself and then give yourself the verbal confirmation that I’m just not ready. I’m not ready yet. I’m willing to be ready, but I’m not ready yet. You know, I say the betrayal and covers the truth. I believe the betrayal uncovers the truth.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:30]:
Not only about your partner, but about you and all of those truths inside that you’re not ready to admit and that you dance around pretending are not really true, even though deep inside, you know, that you are. And my challenge to you here today, right now is to just admit something to yourself. I’m not asking you to share it with anybody. I’m not asking you to take action on it. Just admit it to yourself and then give yourself that little safety net by saying, and I’m not ready to do anything about it yet. And I don’t really wanna know that. There is a thing called betrayal blindness, And betrayal blindness is what it sounds like. It’s that when we are confronted with things that don’t fit the narrative that we have constructed, we literally don’t see them or more accurately, we see them.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:50]:
But because we don’t know what to do with them, we just dismiss it because it doesn’t make sense. And this is true in all areas. It’s not just around infidelity and betrayal. It happens in science too. One of the common examples, and I’m sure I’m gonna get my years wrong, so I’m just gonna make up years. Like if we know the earth to be X many years old, all all of us know the earth is X many years old. Scientists know that it’s x many years old, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then something is discovered to be older than that, it doesn’t fit into our schema that the earth is x many years old.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:34]:
So we go, wow, that must be a mistake because it doesn’t fit into the narrative. And we just dismiss it instead of expanding the original thing that we think we know. Wow. Maybe we have misjudged how old the earth is. Wow. That’s a big ask. How do we go back and look at everything thinking that the earth is older than it is? That’s hard. So we just dismiss something that we find that is older than that.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:08]:
Does that make sense? That’s a common common thing, cognitive dissonance. Like, I can’t hold all of these truths together at the same time, and I can’t put them in the right place, so I’m just gonna dismiss something. And you might be in that place too. Like, I never wanted to be divorced. So even though I know I need a divorce and I feel like I need a divorce, it’s really hard to admit to myself because the story in my head for a 100 years has been, I don’t wanna be divorced. I will do anything to save my marriage. Okay. Well, then suddenly this feeling is popping up inside and you’re like, but I really don’t wanna save this marriage.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:48]:
I don’t wanna be in this relationship anymore. So admit it. Admit it to yourself. Even though I have always preached the virtue of being in a relationship, And even though I have always said we will get through anything, I really don’t think I wanna get through this. I really think I wanna be on my own. I’m just not ready yet. So move and then on quality of the movement, too fast, too slow. And then where are you moving to? And I’m not going to belabor the point of where are you moving to because I’ve done several shows on that.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:30]:
And when I do my coaching with people 1 on 1, that’s what a lot of the coaching is about. It’s about coming up with a clear plan for yourself and your future on where you want to be, how you want to be, how you want to feel, how do you want to experience life? What layers you’re ready to shed and how are you ready to flourish, to blossom into everything that you should be. And, yeah, you can figure that out. Not tomorrow, not all at once. That’s why my coaching, my favorite package is 6 months because it does take that amount of time to sift and to sort and to dig through the rubble rubble and to investigate who you are and what you wanna create. So we’re going fast on this show. First thing is moving on. What does it mean to move on? Movement and where movement and direction.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:28]:
Quality of your movement and your direction. So how do you move on when you want to, but you can’t? Alright. When you can’t, the first thing, break it down. Why can’t you? Why can’t you move on if you want to? Why are you stuck? Why are you stuck and why can’t you move on again? If it’s been over a year, it’s probably time to start moving on. I’m not saying get over it. I’m not saying toxic positivity and just put on a happy face. But if it’s been over a year, what steps can you take to truly move on and why can’t you? So let’s break that down. Why can’t you? Is what’s stopping you something within or something in your environment? Can you not move on because of something inside of you? I’m afraid of making a mistake.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:48]:
I don’t know what I want yet. I still can’t believe this and I just can’t process it. I don’t like my options moving forward, so I’m just gonna stay here treading water in the same place because I don’t like any of the options that are available to me. Or are they external reasons? My partner has asked me to give it 6 more months. I don’t have enough money to separate right now. I still need to get my education and get a new career so I can support myself. I don’t have a viable place to live. My kids are young and I really need to stay in the home.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:35]:
Determine whether it’s an internal reason or an external reason that’s keeping you from moving forward. This whole process is great and it’s powerful because you’re figuring it out. You’re not necessarily taking the steps yet. You’re figuring it out. So can you not move on because it’s internal or can you not move on because it’s external? If it’s an internal reason, that’s what coaching is for. Counseling therapy is about understanding the past. Coaching is about the present and moving into the future. So do you have an internal block from childhood abuse? Do you have an internal wound, a worthiness wound? Do you need to go back to the past and reclaim yourself? Do you need to understand things? Do you need to move through trauma, Get some good quality therapy so you can ask excavate the past and set yourself free from it.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:55]:
But if that internal reason is because presence or future, and you’re not understanding where you really want to be, or you’re not really understanding why you’re stuck right now, or you can’t accept what’s going on, then that’s where coaching comes in. Journaling again, reading books, talking to friends, exploring. A lot of people have asked me. They say, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready for coaching yet. What can I do? One of the best places to start is grab my book, flaunt, drop your cover, and reveal your smart, sexy, and spiritual self. What? A book is, like, 15 to $19 on Amazon or Barnes and Noble or anything like that. If you’ve got the free Audible, you can get it on Audible. You can get it any way that you want.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:50]:
Read the book and do the exercises. At the end of every single chapter, I’ve got exercises that help you uncover the truth about what’s going on in your heart and in your soul. If you don’t know why you’re stuck, grab the book, do the exercises and start revealing what it is that is keeping you stuck, that is preventing you from moving forward. And here’s something to notice. If you don’t get through the book and you don’t get through the exercises, that means you need external support. If you can’t get through the book and if you can’t get through the exercises because you have some excuse, well, I’m too busy. Well, I’ll do it later. Well, I don’t really understand what she means.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:36]:
Well, I’m not sure if that sounds fine. Well, I don’t know about that. I don’t think I really need this one. This one doesn’t make sense for me. I’ll do the next one. Notice what the conversation is like in your head because that is your inner saboteur. That is your saboteur. And if you won’t do things for yourself because that voice of that inner saboteur is so strong, then that’s what how hiring somebody.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:04]:
That’s what getting a coach is about. It’s about paying for accountability. It’s paying for speed, writing a check for speed. Do you wanna heal faster? Yes. Write a check and get there. Because when you have somebody outside of yourself putting gentle, loving pressure on you, it keeps you accountable and it keeps you moving forward because somebody is telling you, hey, this is the quality of motion and this is what to do. It’s like a personal trainer, a coach. Literally, a coach in the athletic space is a coach in the mental space.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:44]:
This is how you do it. This is how many times you do it. This is how you build up your strength. The next time I see you, we’re gonna move into this next layer. We’re gonna do squats, then push ups, then all these different things to build your strength so you can do whatever is that you want to do. So let’s talk about that saboteur. Let’s talk about that saboteur. When you have a saboteur, it means you have resistance.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:17]:
It means you have internal resistance that is stopping you from doing what you say you want to do. We all have resistance. Let me start by saying we all have resistance. Couple of things about resistance first. The more resistance you have, the more resistance you have, the closer you are to achieving your dreams. The more resistance you have, the closer you are to achieving your dreams. Say what, Lora? Yes. The closer you are to achieving your dreams, the closer that big internal shift, the more resistance pops up.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:12]:
Because your ego your ego is like, oh my gosh. You’re about to launch into growth like you’ve never had before. You’re about to become so powerful with who you are that you’re not gonna need me anymore. It’s the death of the ego. So I am going to kick and scream and fight and put up every form of resistance that I know to keep you from changing because I like the status quo. If you don’t like the term ego, it’s our brain. It’s our brain. We are self preserving organisms, the devil you know versus the devil we don’t know.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:57]:
We know how to be who we are. We know how to be dysfunctional or sad or whatever it is that we are. We know how to be exactly how we are. We don’t know how to be that next level us. I don’t know how to be Oprah or I would be Oprah. I don’t know how to be Michelle Obama or I would be Michelle Obama. Like, you pick whoever that really cool person is. Who is your shero? You could be them except for the resistance, except for the block.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:37]:
What is it that they believe that you don’t believe? What is it that they believe that you don’t believe? It’s not necessarily what do they do that you don’t do? What is somebody that has saved their marriage? Believe that you don’t believe. What is somebody that has successfully divorced and is super happy on the other side believe that you don’t believe? What is somebody that healed in a year and a half? Believe that you don’t believe 5 years out when you’re still waking up suffering every day? Oh, sit with that for a while. What do they believe that you don’t believe? The resistance is in changing your belief. The resistance isn’t necessarily in doing something different. It’s not about that movement physically. It’s about the movement of the belief. What is your hero? What is your shero believe that you don’t? And I wanna give you some space to think about that. And what is stopping you from believing that? What’s stopping you from believing what they believe? And that’s the question that I really want you to ponder over the next week because I don’t really expect you to be like, oh, I know exactly what Oprah believes that I don’t believe is.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:21]:
So, duh, I’m just gonna shift my belief and my whole life is gonna change. Bing. Not quite that simple. It’s a process. I mean, on the one hand, it is that simple. But on the other hand, it’s a process like we were talking about earlier. When we have a belief that comes up that we don’t really know what to do with, we tend to dismiss it. So just using the silly example, if Oprah believes she is worthy of and capable of having a bazillion dollar media empire that impacts the lives of 1,000,000.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:08]:
If she believes she is worthy and capable of having that, and I don’t believe I’m worthy and capable of having a business that impacts the lives of 1,000,000. That means I’m going to have resistance to the steps that are necessary to move towards that goal. I’m gonna break that down. And, again, I keep using the Oprah goal because it’s not exactly the infidelity goal, and sometimes it’s easier to see in a parallel circumstance than it is in your own circumstance. So if I want to help millions of people, but I really don’t inside believe that I’m worthy or capable of handling a business that large. I am going to take steps and take actions that are in accordance with my belief, with my inner belief that I really can’t handle it. That that’s too much, that I don’t have enough support, that I would probably make some really catastrophic mistakes. So I would say consciously, yes.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:23]:
I wanna have this empire. I wanna help 100 of millions of people recover from infidelity and betrayal. And I would say that, but inside my actions are in alignment with my belief that I don’t know enough yet. I can’t handle that. What if I make a mistake? Oh my gosh. I don’t know what to do. I’m really not worthy. I’m really not good enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:53]:
And my actual behaviors follow my beliefs because behaviors do follow beliefs. So that’s that resistance. So then for a 100 years, I have run my business at this level. If I suddenly change my beliefs, if suddenly I start working and I really start feeling, you know what? I am so worthy and I am so good and I am so capable and I start really believing it. And then my actions start following my beliefs and I start putting myself out there more and I start talking to more people and I start hiring help. And I change the way that I’m showing up and I’ve got this magnetic presence where I’m just pulling people in right before that tipping point, right before I become Oprah and I have my bazillion dollar empire where I am impacting lives worldwide, resistance is going to pop up right at the last minute in the form of ego, in the form of self sabotage, whatever you wanna call it, that’s gonna say, but really, Lora, but really, If you take that risk and you lose, you’ve lost all that money. People are gonna laugh at you. You’ve lost all that time.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:24]:
Your current clients are gonna be like, oh my gosh. Who does she think she is? And you’re gonna lose what you have. Stay safe. This is enough. This is enough. You don’t need more. Be happy where you’re at, sweet Lora. We just wanna keep you safe.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:43]:
Be happy where you’re at. Don’t risk everything that you’ve built for more. Just be where you’re at. And then all this fear comes up. Yeah. You’re right. What if I lose that money? Yeah. You’re right.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:58]:
What if I invest in that next step and it doesn’t pay off? Yes. You’re right. What if I say something and it doesn’t help somebody? And then what if they say? And then what if? And then more and more and more and more and more fear and questioning comes in, and then you stop. So by using an example that was not infidelity, that was not betrayal, I want you to kind of think about your own situation. What is your happily ever after dream? Gloriously divorced, traveling the world, sipping champagne in Paris. What is your highest dream? Finding a new love, jetting off to Rome, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and being on the beach and finding this new incredible love and having the love story that you always wanted. Having somebody whisk you off your feet, you whisking them off their feet. Restoring your marriage, coming together in the way that you always knew you could, but you never quite could.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:05]:
Coming together, launching a business, having more kids. What is that highest dream for you? Getting remarried, spiritual growth, whatever. Go to the extreme. Go to the fairy godmother desire. Go to here is the magic lamp and you get three wishes for yourself and for your relationship. Go dream big. How big can you dream? How glorious could it be? And then feel what resistance pops up in there. Give yourself a moment to dream and then have that voice, that voice of the ego.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:55]:
Yeah. But that wouldn’t work for you. Yeah. But what would you do with your kids? Well, yeah. But I’m I’m still £30 overweight. Well, yeah. But I’m way over 50. Yeah, but all of those yeah, buts, I really shouldn’t do that.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:17]:
I really shouldn’t do that. I it would probably make me a bad mom, a bad I really shouldn’t do that. People would be upset. Those voices are just the voices of resistance. If resistance had a voice, that would be the voice. If your inner saboteur had a voice, that would be the voice the voice of yeah, but, the voice of you should, the voice of you should not, the voice of that’s not realistic, the voice of that wouldn’t work, The voice of not you, maybe there are for others, but not for you. And the thing is you can’t get rid of that voice. You can’t get rid of the inner saboteur by beating it down.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:02]:
You cannot get rid of the inner saboteur by beating it down. You just can’t. The only way to get rid of that voice is by listening to it, by honoring it, and by saying, thank you for that feedback. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I see that you’re trying to keep me safe. Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but I got this. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. Thank you for trying to keep me grounded, but I’ve got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:34]:
It’s just like we were saying earlier when I asked you to admit something to yourself and then say, but I’m not ready. Talk to that voice and say, thank you for keeping me safe, but I’m not listening. Thank you for keeping me safe, but I’m still gonna lean into some of this. It’s learning how to talk back to that inner voice with your wise self, with your higher self. The way to shut down the voice of the saboteur is by listening to it and then responding from a place of wisdom, not fighting it. Use it down. That creates a fight. Listening to it, loving on it, responding with kindness.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:18]:
I got this one. You can go sit in the back seat. I got this. I’m driving now. You can come with me. You can keep me safe all you want, but my hands are the hands on the steering wheel, not yours. Thank you. I’ve got this.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:34]:
Thank you. I’ve got this. You have no idea how many times a day I tell myself thank you, but I’ve got this. Oh my gosh. Panic, panic. Thank you. I’ve got this. I’ll call you if I need you, but thank you.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:47]:
I’ve got this. The opposite of resistance is acceptance. The opposite of resistance is acceptance. The chapter in my book, Flaunt, on unconditional acceptance is where so much magic happens. Earlier, I said, get that book and go through that book. Dog Ear, the chapter, AU, the golden center of flaunt. It’s the golden center of flaunt because that’s where so much magic happens. Unconditional acceptance is where magic happens.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:29]:
Let’s talk more. Wow. How many times have you said, I just can’t accept this. I just can’t accept that this is what my life has become. I just can’t accept that my partner did this. I just can’t accept that he did this, and he said he loves me anyway. I cannot accept that. That doesn’t make any sense.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:48]:
I can’t accept that. I can’t accept that he said I love you to the other woman. I can’t accept that he didn’t think about me and the family and the kids. I can’t accept. Think about how often you say that or think about it. And it might be in slightly different terms, but the meaning behind it is the same, I can’t accept that. I can’t accept that. I will not accept that.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:15]:
Accept unconditionally. Accepting is not condoning. Accepting is not rolling over. Accepting is integrating it in to your story and into your power. I didn’t want my husband to cheat. I didn’t wanna learn about 15 years worth of multiple relationships. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want this piece of my identity.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:46]:
I didn’t want any of this. I was gifted it as a gift from spirit, as a gift from God, and I need to accept that gift. So many of us women have a hard time accepting. We have a hard time accepting help. We have a hard time accepting compliments. We have a hard time accepting things that are too good, and yet we also have a hard time accept ding things that are too difficult. What would it be like to accept it all? What would it be like to accept it all to stop resisting, to stop pushing away, love to stop pushing away connection, to stop with all the conditions and to accept it all. I hear this a lot.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:52]:
Like, I still want comfort from my partner. Accept it. I still wanna have some fun days with my partner, but I don’t want him to think that he’s gotten a waste with. Well, who are you hurting in that moment? Accept the fun date night. Except the day out, except the fun night in cooking dinner or watching a movie, accept it because it pleases you accept it because it nourishes you. It’s like when somebody says you you look great today, and you’re like, this whole thing, accept it. Maybe it is an old thing. Just accept it.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:42]:
I’m gonna say some phrases that I hope trigger you on some level. I have a beautiful body. I have a beautiful body. Wow. How would it feel to look at yourself in the mirror naked and to be like, I have a beautiful body. And to feel it, not from a place of pride, but from a place of, I have a beautiful body and I accept that. I have a beautiful, not for your age, not for your condition, not considering that I’ve had 2 kids, not any just just I have a beautiful body. I can tell you everything that’s wrong with my body.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:33]:
What about just accepting what it is and realizing how beautiful it is and whatever shape or condition that it is. I have a really loving relationship. I have a really loving relationship. I accept love. What would it be like to be in a fight, but to still be able to go to a movie and have a good night, what would it be like to be facing infidelity, but still go to your kid’s graduation or to a family member’s birthday and to really have a good time and to maybe even share some laughs together. Or if your partner brings you a piece of cake and a glass of champagne just to say thank you and to really appreciate it and to get out of that headspace of all, what does he want? And, well, what does this mean? And me, thank you. And it’s about time. Maybe you should’ve done this earlier.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:41]:
Like, wow. What would it be like not to push all that away? What would it be like to stop pushing love away, to stop pushing compliments away, to stop pushing fun away? Because I have to prove my point. Because otherwise, he’s gonna think, what would it be like just to accept all the goodness that you can accept, all the connection that you can accept. What does your head say? My head says a lot. Well, yeah, but I don’t want him to think. Well, yeah, but remember what I said about yeah buts? Mhmm. Let him go. That’s ego.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:34]:
Accept. Unconditionally. Unconditional acceptance means accepting unconditionally. Your partner did this. You don’t have to like it, but it was a gift from God earlier. I said, this is a gift from God. This is a gift from the universe. This is a gift from spirit.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:55]:
If you have even an iota of faith in God’s spirit universe, anything. If God came down if the universe came down and said, hello, insert your first name, here is a gift that I’m giving you. It’s the gift of infidelity and betrayal. Are you going to stand there in God’s face, in spirit’s face, in the universe’s face, and say, no thanks. You might want to. I would want to. But no, you’re not gonna stand there and say, no, thanks. You’re gonna accept it.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:42]:
Because in a lot of ways, you have no choice, but also because somewhere deep inside, you know that this is the gift that you need for some reason that maybe you don’t even know about and that you might not know about for a while, but it’s about accepting this gift. Thank you. I accept it unconditionally. Not I accept it, but only if it’s gonna turn out the way I want it to in the end. I accept it, but only if it’s not gonna hurt that bad. I accept it, but unconditional. Unconditional means no ifs, ands, or buts. You’re here now.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:25]:
Accept unconditionally that you are here now. Lay down the resistance. Stop fighting. Stop pushing things away. Get off your high horse. Get off the moral high ground, and just accept and see how that feels. Because, as I said earlier, flaunt AU golden center. That’s where the magic happens.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:55]:
When you can accept this and say, yes, I receive, I receive it into my body. I receive it into my story. I receive it into the narrative of my life. I receive it into my heart. I receive it into my brain. Most of my coaching packages have a somatic processing component. Somatic just means the body because so often we can accept things with our mind, but we don’t really accept it into our body. And I do a lot of somatic processing movements.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:35]:
I’ve got some free ones on YouTube. Go to Lora Cheadle, life choreographer on YouTube, put in somatic processing. There’ll be several different videos, but it’s moving the body in order to integrate the narrative of the mind. Moving the body in order to integrate everything that’s happening, How you move on after infidelity and betrayal is by integrating and by accepting. How you move on is by stopping the resistance, by stop putting conditions on it and just start receiving. Receiving love where there’s love even if it’s from a person that you’re mad at. Receiving kindness. Receiving a piece of cake, a coffee, attention.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:39]:
And it doesn’t even necessarily matter if it comes from somebody else. You can buy something yourself. Just be sure to receive it. This happens sometimes too. Sometimes people will sign up for my coaching packages or they’ll sign up for the do it yourself courses. And they’ll be like, I bought it and I went out on a limb, but I’m not gonna do it quite yet. I’m gonna suffer a little while longer because somehow I believe that suffering is noble. Oh, alright.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:13]:
How about receiving the peace that’s out there? How about dropping the resistance and receiving the peace? Do you really wanna be in pain? Do you really wanna feel heartbroken? Do you really wanna feel stuck? Receive, receive the peace that’s out there, receive the gifts that you give yourself, receive the gifts that others give you receive the gifts of this podcast. Go grab a copy of my book, Read it. Receive the wisdom from that. If you’re having a hard time with accountability, reach out to me. Buy some 1 on 1 sessions, and I’ll keep you accountable. It’s about dropping the resistance. Oh, no. I don’t need that.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:02]:
No. No. Let me get myself sorted out first. No. No. I can’t do that. Stop resisting and move on. Now the other two things I had talked about was how to move on on your own pace when other people are pushing you and what to do when your partner is like, can’t we just move on? This acceptance piece plays into both of those 2.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:29]:
When other people are saying, you should just move on. You should just move on. Accept that that’s their narrative and that your narrative is different. And you can combat that pretty easily by saying something like that. I’m not ready. Maybe you have a timeline for this, but I don’t. Accept where you’re at. Because so often when we push to heal, I’m gonna push through this healing.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:53]:
I’m gonna make it work. I’m gonna push through. What you resist persists. Don’t try too hard. Just be, let yourself flow. Ascertain. Do I still need to process more or am I moving too slowly? Remember, I was talking about move and on. What is the quality of your movement? Be stuck.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:16]:
If you’re stuck in the muck, accept unconditionally that you were stuck in the muck and get help moving out. If you’re like, I’m not stuck. I need to process. Let other people know your timeline is not not my timeline, and I need to process. Except unconditionally that you’re not ready. Admit that to yourself. I’m not ready. And B where you’re at fully and unconditionally.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:43]:
Now it’s a bit similar and it’s a bit different when your partner is pushing you to move on. And I’m gonna start by being a little mama bear with you. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Especially the unfaithful partner gets to tell you to move on.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:06]:
Of course, they want you to move on, but you need to be in charge of your own healing and you need to take as long as you need to process and to feel all of this and to move on. And now I’m going to lean into you a little bit. Are you holding them hostage by refusing to heal? Are you holding your pa partner hostage by refusing to heal? Because as long as I hurt, they’re gonna hurt. So as long as I hurt, they’re gonna know they’re in the wrong and they’re gonna really, really hurt and they’re gonna wanna do more for me. Okay. Let’s reframe this in terms of acceptance and resistance. You are resisting healing. You are resisting healing because you want them to suffer.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:05]:
You are resisting moving forward in the relationship because you’d rather have them suffer than feel good. A lot of it does go back to, would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? Are you right? Yeah. You’re probably right. You’re probably right. Your partner probably did something wrong when they cheated. You probably didn’t, but you’re not in charge of punishing them. You’re in charge of making yourself feel better. You’re in charge of healing.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:43]:
This is your life. This is your life. It’s not really fun to be the executioner. Do you wanna be the executioner? Probably not. You wanna live fully and freely? Do you wanna laugh? Do you wanna love? Do you wanna have great memories at the end of the day? Yeah. Probably all that. So how can you accept unconditionally that you are not the judge, the jury, and the executioner? How can you stop wanting to punish your partner, accept that that’s not up to you accept that they did what they did and that if you want to be in a relationship with them, or if you need to do something like co parenting, you will be happier and you will be healthier. If you stop resisting.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:36]:
If you receive, if you flow, don’t push away. Love, let yourself receive. Oh, there’s a lot, a lot of different topics that all come down to the same common denominator. That’s why I chose to put them all here together. How to move on. Whether you choosing to move on or whether other people are encouraging you to move on, how to stop resisting and to accept in order to move on. Starts with the acceptance, which breaks down the resistance, which allows you to move on. Think about it with the gas and the brakes in the car.

Lora Cheadle [00:57:35]:
You can have the gas pedal to the floor, and if the brakes are on and the emergency brake is on, you’re not going anywhere. Release the emergency brake. Slowly let off the brake, and you can start moving forward. A brake is nothing but resistance. Gas is nothing but moving on. Brakes and gas don’t work. If you’re gonna be at a full stop, be at a full stop and stop applying the gas. That’s where you start spinning in that circle.

Lora Cheadle [00:58:05]:
We talked about the movement of the moving. Spinning in the circle is moving, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Take the foot off the brake before you put your foot on the gas. And when you’ve got your foot on the gas, you can go slower. You can go faster, but stop breaking, stop breaking, except unconditionally release that resistance move forward and have a fabulous week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.