in this episode, Lora’s client Leigh bravely shares her betrayal recovery journey. Get a new perspective on infidelity, find out what you can expect ten months out, and get tips for healing your heart, strengthening your relationship, and bravely looking within.

Top Takeaways

1. Healing and Personal Growth: Leigh emphasizes the importance of confronting trauma and emotional pain to heal and grow personally. Both she and her husband experienced significant personal growth and relationship improvements through the healing process.

2. Dealing with Patterns and Trauma:Leigh’s journey involved recognizing repeated patterns from her past, such as taking on too much responsibility and losing herself, and addressing these with the help of therapy. This included dealing with childhood memories and repressed trauma, which contributed to her healing process.

3. Support and Forgiveness:Leigh underscores the necessity of seeking support and being selective about confiding in others to ensure the healing process isn’t complicated. She also shares insights on forgiveness, noting that it involves letting go of anger and requiring continued effort from the repentant partner, as well as self-forgiveness through understanding past actions and moving forward.

 

 

Connect with Lora one-on-one for your complimentary 20 minutes session.

Schedule now at www.LoraCheadle.com Click “chat now” in the upper right corner and schedule your session today!

About Lora:

Lora Cheadle is an attorney, TEDx speaker, and betrayal recovery coach who helps women turn their devastation into an invitation to rise up and reign. Whether reclaiming what they let go of along the way, rebuilding their identity, or stepping into a stronger sense of self-trust and self-worth, Lora’s expert guidance empowers women to uncover the truth™ of what they are capable of and deserve. After being shattered by her husband’s fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand the skills and strategies necessary to stop feeling broken and start living fully and freely.

She is licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, is a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, advanced integrated energy practitioner, and is certified to teach yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal train. She is the author of the International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self and host of the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal. She lives in Colorado and loves travel, adventure, and a good book. Learn more at www.loracheadle.com

 

Get Relief Now!

Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com and start reclaiming yourself and your life today!

 

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

 

 

 

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Purchase Lora’s book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self on Amazon, IndieBound or wherever books are sold.

 

 

Transcript

Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:36]:
To all the women who have cried in the shower, smiled when they wanted to scream, and couldn’t wait to get home and unhook their bra. Flaunt is the definitive guidebook on how to get back in touch with who you are underneath your labels, roles, and scripts. Fall in love with yourself right now. Breathe life into the dreams you left behind and live each day with uninhibited joy. Pick up a copy of Laura Cheadle’s number one best selling book, Flaunt. Drop your cover and reveal your smart, sexy, and spiritual self wherever books are sold. It’s available in print, digital, and audio formats and comes with 2 downloadable meditations.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:15]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Laura Cheadle, and today is a very, very special show. Today, I have got one of my clients who has been through this journey. I’m here to share with you her betrayal recovery journey because you all know mine. And while so many of the betrayal recovery journeys have similar peaks and valleys, highs and lows, they’re all very different. And I really wanted to bring Leigh’s voice to you today so she could share in her words what happened and how she has and is continuing to move through this journey. So welcome, Leigh.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:13]:
I’m so so grateful that you’re here today.

Leign [00:02:17]:
Thank you so much. Thank you for having me on your podcast. It was a huge part of my recovery was listening to this podcast and finding you. So wow. Full circle. I haven’t quite come full circle, but it feels a little full circle to be having this conversation with you now.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:33]:
Yeah. It really does. I like that you already said it’s not quite full circle because it takes time, doesn’t it?

Leigh [00:02:40]:
It really does. Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:42]:
Yeah. Okay. So let’s start at the beginning. Could you share with us a little bit about D Day and how you found out?

Lee [00:02:53]:
Mhmm. It’s interesting starting at the beginning because in so many ways, d day was not the beginning, but it was for the infidelity piece. But, I learned of it while I was on vacation, actually, and it was something that had been going on for a few months before that. And I found out, you know, with technology today, something popped up on a phone. It made me curious. I dug in a little bit deeper, and I felt like I there are no words. Anyone who’s been through it knows that there are absolutely no words for it. But that moment was such a turning point, huge rock bottom for myself personally and for my marriage, and, really a necessary moment that I did not see the beauty in and still, you know, just felt so much pain through that.

Lee [00:03:52]:
But I learned from something that I’d seen on the phone. I stayed up that entire night shaking, crying, digging in, investigating, really spiraling around it. And, yeah, it it I I remember being so resentful that it happened on vacation. Like, this is my vacation, and how can now my vacation is ruined. And with some distance now, I realized that I found out at the exact time and place that I needed to find that out because I didn’t have the normal responsibilities of life. I didn’t have to go to work the next day. I had other challenges. Like, I was there with other people.

Lee [00:04:35]:
My kids were there. There were pieces of it. But in hindsight, I really was I I don’t think I would change that that piece of it, being away and being on vacation and being almost in this bubble. And, so I I just find that so interesting, the way and the how of figure of finding it all out.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:54]:
Yeah. Your words are not unique. Just about everybody that I speak with or work with will say with enough time and perspective, it actually came at a really good time.

Lee [00:05:09]:
Mhmm.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:10]:
And I always find that interesting. And, also, what you said, d day is not the beginning. No. It’s not. It just uncovers the tip of the iceberg.

Lee [00:05:19]:
Big time. Yes. Yeah. I had no idea what I was in for and what I continue to be in for because it is the journey. I’m about 9 months out at this point, and that’s a challenging time too so much. Time has helped so much in the 9 months, but I’m also coming up on a lot of the 1 year marks of things that I’m aware of. And so that is just a new challenge. It’s like a new style of having to heal through it.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:49]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. So when you found out, what were some of the first things that went through your head? And the reason I’m asking that is nobody plans and prepares for infidelity. It’s just choking me up, just going back to my own finding out too. Nobody plans and prepares for that. And we all talk, like, so tongue in cheek in a way. Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:15]:
Well, if my partner ever did that to me, I’d be out there, and I’d take him for all his worth, and I do this and I do that. It’s not it’s not what you think. Like, when it happens, you don’t feel the way you think you might feel. And for me, I was so confused by what to do. What was that experience like for you?

Lee [00:06:44]:
It initially because I think that was the question. I was like, what did I feel at first? And it was this panic of, oh my gosh. I can’t believe I have to get a divorce. Like, there is no there is no world where I stay with someone who betrays me in this way. Like, that does not exist in my mind. That does not exist. And it was so much, like, truly, initially, it was a survival mode. I wasn’t thinking a lot.

Lee [00:07:15]:
I was a lot of, trauma response be it, like, my body shaking, me truly just trying to survive the moment, a lot of crying, a lot of, like, not a ton of control over much because I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat, and I was in complete fight and flight at the same time.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:37]:
Mhmm.

Lee [00:07:38]:
And I can honestly relive that moment and that day with so much clarity, and you’d think you would block it out, but it is so, so clear. And then I began to shift into the reality of, wow. I really do have to leave. And, you know, people don’t know my story, but I I have not left. And my marriage is actually better than it ever was, and I’m sure we’ll get into that. Mhmm. But it just like, that wasn’t even a possibility for me, so I was in complete fear mode of what this meant. I was playing out all of the scenarios with what this meant for my kids, for my businesses, for every single aspect of my life.

Lee [00:08:20]:
And that operating from such a place of fear was just so traumatizing. Yeah. And I can’t even tell you how long it went on for. I mean, it was like a blackout a blackout situation, but, it was it was just so much fear, like, what this really meant for my life and how I couldn’t see a different ending than the one that I had really programmed for myself, which was if that ever happened to me, I would be gone. And anyone who had self respect would be gone. And so it was like that whole narrative that was in my mind. So what shifted things for you? Well, I when I was really tapping into my instincts, into my intuition, there was so much that I felt changing from the moment that I found out that I felt change between my husband and I. How do I explain this? I just had he not shown up in the way that he showed up and had I not gone through the self healing that I went through, we wouldn’t have made it.

Lee [00:09:27]:
I I needed in order to stay for him to take full accountability to become just come clean with it all, to show up for me in a supportive way while I was hurting. All of these things that I never would have known that I needed were things that were happening in the moment. So I I had that, but I also my security blanket really is gathering information. And when I get scared, I start to research and look for information, and that’s just how I operate. And so I was there looking for podcasts, and I found a few that were really helpful and eventually landed on yours. And it painted this different version for me, which was, yeah, sometimes you do leave and sometimes you don’t, but the journey really is inside of yourself. And so it just opened the door a crack for me that there can be different endings and and that it was up to me. In some ways, I felt more free.

Lee [00:10:28]:
It’s so, like, almost sick to say, but I felt more free in gaining this information about the infidelity because it gave me an out. Like, if I wanted an out, I had it, and I could have left. I still could leave if I wanted to, and I’m not the bad guy. I’m not the one who did the thing. So there was this weird piece of it that was like a relief. Like, wow. If things really are this bad and I want to be done, I I can, and I had never felt that before.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:02]:
Mhmm.

Lee [00:11:02]:
But, also, in having that permission, it took this pressure off where I could open the door to a different ending. And that was what to answer your question a little more directly was what changed as I listened to I think it was your podcast that I listened to that kind of was like, yeah. Maybe you do need to leave, and maybe you don’t, but let’s start let’s start with, like, the truth that’s being revealed in this whole process, and that that was a big shift for me.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:32]:
Yeah. That makes sense. That makes sense. And I understand what you’re saying about that freedom piece because I feel like so many of us can just get locked into that this is our relationship. For good or for bad, they these are the things I do. These are the things that my partner does. And then all of a sudden within fidelity, it’s it’s like something new. I don’t have to be here.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:55]:
I get to choose to be here. And what do I want next? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So at what point did you reach out to me? Because we have worked together for 6 months.

Lee [00:12:09]:
Mhmm. Mhmm. I reached out to you pretty quickly. I remember having that first free consultation call.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:18]:
Mhmm.

Lee [00:12:18]:
And I was so alone. Aside from my partner, there was no one who I could or was speaking with because and and I am glad for that. I’m very grateful in hindsight that I was able to do it that way because in the moment, I can see why you’d wanna react and, like, tell a bunch of people or sometimes you have to because the way it comes out is public. But I am grateful that I was in a position where it was more private because it made the decisions that I made moving forward a bit easier, if if you can say that. Right. None of it’s easy. None of it’s easy. But I reached out to you probably a week or so after starting your podcast and picking and choosing episodes that spoke to me and feeling like, okay.

Lee [00:13:09]:
This is a safe place where she isn’t going to tell me what’s right for me. She is going to let me lead the way, and then there’s no judgment. I could’ve I could’ve contacted you and said this is what I wanna do, and it could’ve been I wanna jump on an elephant and go to the top of a mountain. And you would’ve been like, okay. Let’s talk about that. And so when I was able to remove the judgment piece of it, because I was already in such a place of self judgment, it just felt like this is a safe place. So I did that first call with you and really felt like it was a good aligned match for me. And there was no pressure on it because it was just a free call, and you could have never heard from me again, and you would have been fine with that.

Lee [00:13:54]:
And it was just there were no strings attached. And when you’re at a place in life where it feels like everything is a string pulling on you, that was pretty comforting. So I reached out to you quickly. And the funny thing is I listen to a lot of things, and I look up a lot of things, and there’s a lot of offers out there. But when there’s infidelity involved and you feel like you’re actually losing your mind, there’s so much urgency. So I had a real sense of I need someone now. This isn’t something that I can do in 3 months.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:22]:
Mhmm.

Lee [00:14:22]:
And so I reached out to you pretty quickly.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:24]:
Right. Now there’s that tension between that sense of urgency because same thing. I’d be like, I think I’m losing my mind. I think I am legitimately going crazy over this. But then there was that tension between I am terrified to reach out to somebody because if I speak about it, it’s real. Mhmm. And as long as nobody else knows, maybe it’s not really real, and maybe I’ll wake up one day and it won’t be real. Or the judgment piece, like, what did you do wrong and what’s wrong? Did you experience kind of that tension between I desperately need help and oh my god, it’s terrifying to get help?

Lee [00:15:01]:
Thinking back on it, I think it was a 20 minute thing, and I probably cried for 15 of it. I don’t even really remember, but I felt like I was pretty clear that I needed someone. And that if I didn’t find that person like a coach, like someone on the outside, I was going to really have to dive in to people who were a little bit closer, and that didn’t make me comfortable. But I can absolutely see that tension. My level of desperation at that moment was so high. I but I can see how for sure there’s those moments where you’re like, I want the help, but I also want to ignore it. I want to dive into this, but I’m also terrified to dive into it and see what I’ll find.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:47]:
Right. So at what point do you feel like you started coming out of that fight or flight, coming out of that pure panic, that pure fear, and started piecing things together? I know you said you were doing a lot of research. So many of us do. It’s like, I will become the expert in 10 minutes, and I will figure it out. But at what point did you start feeling a little bit more like, okay. I can breathe. I can maybe make a few decisions, and I think I might survive this.

Lee [00:16:21]:
Mhmm. So many things were happening at once. And, coming out of the fight or flight, I was so tired physically and mentally tired. So physically tired because I had not been sleeping, and I, I I was having, like, physical reactions to everything. Mhmm. And then, obviously, the mental piece doesn’t need to be explained, but I was just so, so exhausted. And so I could only go at that fight or flight mode for so long before my body just gave out, really. It was probably a week or so before I could take a breath, and, it wasn’t actually easier.

Lee [00:17:11]:
In a lot of ways, it was harder. I was moving on to another level of challenge with it, and I started to really see patterns in my own life. I started to piece together the how of it all. Like

Lora Cheadle [00:17:26]:
Yes.

Lee [00:17:27]:
How it ended up where it ended up. Not with any blame taken on my part, but, like, oh, yeah. This led to that, led to that to so it started to make some sense. And that was probably comforting to me, but still just so painful. And I’ll tell you, in that initial time, right out of the gates, I would stay up all night, and my my biggest fear was there was something I didn’t know. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that. It’s like, what there’s more that I haven’t found out yet? What if he’s not telling me everything and I need to find it so I can know now? Because if I’m gonna heal, I just wanna start healing now from all of it. Yes.

Lee [00:18:13]:
So I would stay up all night and go through anything I could think of, any it was like I was full investigator mode, and I would my heart would race all night long because everything I would click on, it was like, what will I find? What will I find? And to this day, if I pick up my husband’s phone just to do something, look something up, send something, my heart starts racing. Yeah. And I know that’s that’s off topic, but I just just the other day, I was casually just grabbing it to do something and look at a photo. I don’t even know what it was, and I was like, oh my god. My heart is racing. And so I spent days doing this, and the the physical piece still lives inside of me, and it’s just so wild. But back to your question, it came in little spurts at first. The the ability to think clearly came in little spurts, but I don’t know that I can give an answer to when I felt this huge relief or this huge, oh, okay.

Lee [00:19:13]:
Now we’re in the next phase because it just would come. I’d get little breaks, and then it would hit me like a ton of bricks. And then another thing that happened is it’s so crazy. During that initial time, I went out in the ocean and the waves were coming, and it was kind of getting my heart rate up because I was like, you know, it’s exhilarating. You’re the waves are coming. Right. And when my heart rate would go up, I would start panicking because it was, like, putting me back physically in that place. And I don’t know if people talk a lot about the physical reactions that will come over time.

Lee [00:19:53]:
And so I know I’m talking around in circles. No. It it

Lora Cheadle [00:19:57]:
it actually makes perfect sense.

Lee [00:19:59]:
Me back. Yeah. It’s taking me back.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:02]:
No. And and I I so appreciate that you said that because it does make sense, and we all want this linear journey. We want somebody to say, well, the 1st week you’ll be panicked, and then the 2nd week you’re gonna be fine. And then the 3rd week you’re gonna be out to lunch with girlfriends having so much fun. And then by week 4, you’re gonna forget how it feels, and it doesn’t work that way. There’s there’s highs. There’s lows. There’s upstairs downs.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:27]:
And, also, thank you for mentioning the physical piece because you’re right on. And that’s why I am passionate about the whole somatic processing, the movement piece, because it does get locked in. And you’re right. Our heart rate goes up for something else. We see a scene in a movie. We hear lyrics to a song, and all of a sudden, our body is right back there, and it feels awful.

Lee [00:20:52]:
Yes. It’s so real. It’s so real. Mhmm. And good to normalize that as something that can move through and pass. And it it doesn’t time time really does heal. I know that’s so cliche, but no matter what direction I had gone in in my life, time was going to make it easier. And so I’m glad for that, But there are still moments, and that’s how it works with trauma where you’ll make so much progress, and then one thing will hit you.

Lee [00:21:22]:
And it’s it’s hard to not feel like, oh my gosh. I failed. I’ve gone all the way back to square 1. It’s not square 1, but it’s like you just have to keep moving through it over and over. I did. At least I can’t speak for everyone, but I had to keep letting it move through me and letting that experience happen and not get lost in the fear of, I’ve lost all of my progress.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:45]:
Mhmm. Absolutely. I liken it to a spiral. We have to revisit the same things time and again, but you’re elevating that spiral. And sometimes it doesn’t feel like you’ve gone up a level, but really you have.

Lee [00:21:58]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:01]:
So we started working together. You started doing a heck of a lot of work, a heck of a lot. And I know just like is so typical with everybody and why I say betrayal and covers the truth. It uncovers so much. It uncovers about the relationship. It uncovers about you. It uncovers about childhood. It uncovers about business.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:23]:
Like, you name it, it uncovers it. I’d love for you to talk a little bit about your recovery journey.

Lee [00:22:31]:
A lot was uncovered. A lot of, my own patterning that I told you I would cry and I will. My own pattern in my life that I continue to create in the position that I would put myself in, especially with men and including my husband, where I would take on so much probably so I could feel valuable or powerful or in control, but I would take on so much or in a lot of ways feel like a lot was put on me. Mhmm. And then I would become resentful that I had so much on me and would begin to lose who I really was, would begin to lose the fun spark of myself because I was so resentful of everything that I was carrying. And in that, I would be replaced because I was no longer in my mind at the time, I was like, oh, how convenient. I’m no longer the cute, fun, young one. And so now I get replaced.

Lee [00:23:41]:
And that this revealed that pattern to me. It was not the first time, and it wasn’t it started with my dad. It started it was what I’d always known, and I continued to recreate it. And this time, sitting on the beach and putting together how much it felt, like I did as a child, was the biggest it was the biggest blow for me. I I mean, that was when I really just felt like I don’t know I don’t know that I can move on past this. I mean, it really hit so so hard, and it was so sad to me that I trusted all of these. I I kept putting myself in the position, but I also felt put in the position to carry the load for other people to the point where I was losing myself, and then I was being replaced. And that was really heartbreaking for me.

Lee [00:24:39]:
I know that when I share that with my husband, he it really broke his heart too because he didn’t know that he was a part of this dance that was my pattern. He didn’t know that, like, he was my dance partner. Mhmm. And I was doing these steps, and he was doing those steps, and it was really filling. But since then, I’ve really come to understand that we will continue to recreate our patterning so that we can heal from it. And every time we don’t heal from it, we’re gonna be given a new opportunity. It’s gonna show up in a new way with a new person and a new time because, ultimately, my soul really wanted to heal that. And this was finally the time that it broke through.

Lee [00:25:21]:
This is finally the time that I was able to feel it so deeply, so fully. And it that thank god I was able to have a professional to work that through because it was so heavy. Mhmm. And so that was where a lot of my work stemmed from with you was digging through that pattern. Of course, like, we’ve spent when you’re talking about the recovery journey, we spent a lot of time talking about the actual infidelity, but I was surprised at how much time we spent not talking about the infidelity and talking about, okay. Well, what do I want for my life, and where am I going from here? And as I got stronger, other memories from my childhood began to come up, and that explained a lot about why I am the way that I am and memories of abuse as a child that I had blocked out that I don’t think I was ready to see until, I don’t know, until, like, until I was so ready to heal it all, until I was really ready to see it. So there’s so much more to the recovery, and I’m still I’m not that far out of it. I’m still in it.

Lee [00:26:33]:
So I’m really feeling like there’s there’s so much more to go. And, I had so much anger that I’d never felt before, and that can be scary because anger doesn’t always feel like a safe emotion. And especially when you’re raised really being taught, like, good girls don’t get angry. You’ll be you look out of control when you’re angry. So feeling that for the first time, not not the first time, but, like, really allowing it for the first time was, it’s heavy. It’s a lot.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:07]:
Yeah. Yeah. It is a lot. Thank you. Thank you for sharing all of that because it is, and it isn’t just about the infidelity. The infidelity is usually a symptom of so much more, and it’s not just a symptom of you and him. It’s a symptom of everything. It’s like you said, it’s the dams that you created together.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:34]:
Yes. Other people put you in that position, and you put yourself there. It’s not that it’s blame. It’s not that it’s shame. It’s this is the pattern I have developed. You saw the pattern suddenly, then you have to grieve it, then you have to mourn it, then you have to decide what I’m gonna do about it, then you have to share it with your partner. Now what does your partner think and say and feel as you were going through this personal journey, as you were having memories surface, as you were having all these realizations, how did he respond to that?

Lee [00:28:11]:
I know he felt a ton of regret and shame and guilt, and not knowing how deep his actions really were going to hit, someone who he, you know, claimed to love, someone who he wanted to spend his life with, he didn’t. He had no idea. He knew that what he was doing would hurt me if I found out. I mean, how could you not know that? Right. But he it really broke his heart to know that he had done something that had went so deep, deep, deep to the core of me. And, really, the grief that I felt and the disappointment in myself that, like, how could I be such an idiot? I felt a lot of that. And so I know it was hard for him to see me suffer because of his own action, but even harder to know that it was connected to the deepest true trauma of my life, that I it was bringing all of that up for me. Obviously, on a logical level, I know it needed to come up to heal it, but I I didn’t enjoy the process.

Lee [00:29:20]:
That wasn’t that wasn’t fun at all to go through. And I honestly think it was really good for him to see what a deep impact his actions had on me, and he needed to see that what he did was so irreversible in me that it was it it it really was good for him to see that. I think he would say that too. I think he downplayed what his actions the power that they really had until all of that came to the surface.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:00]:
Mhmm. Mhmm. I’m not exactly sure how to ask all of this because, again, like with everything infidelity related, there’s so many layers. There is so much.

Lee [00:30:13]:
Go for it.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:15]:
Because, like, on the surface, I wanna say something along the lines of, like, isn’t he so glad that he’s learned all these wonderful things that he’s learned now, but that seems so trite and so shallow? That’s not what I mean, but your relationship has shifted so much. And you had said earlier, like, he’s showing up in ways you didn’t even know you needed and that he probably didn’t even know he was capable of.

Lee [00:30:40]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:40]:
And just from where you sit, how is that playing out in your relationship? His personal growth, your personal growth, and then your growth as a couple. I’d like you to speak more about that.

Lee [00:30:53]:
Yes. Okay. You know, on the surface level, to answer your question, yes, he is glad that all of this happened, and it actually brings up a really good point that I remember when I started to feel the shift, and I started to think, oh my gosh. I think I’m actually going to end up better because of this. And it made me so mad to think that that because of this selfish act, because of this whatever I could say about this woman, I will choose to say it right now, but why does that get the credit for Yeah. For changing my life? Why like, I was so resistant to the better life because it was I was always going to know it was because of this act with this person who didn’t deserve the credit. Neither of them do. You know? Like, what they did.

Lee [00:31:52]:
And so I was so resistant, and I remember reaching out to you and saying, I don’t I don’t wanna get better right now because if I do, why is that gonna be the thing? Why are they going to get the credit for that? And I remember you, for people who listen to your podcast, giving the example of your neighbor’s dog just came in and crapped on your floor, and you get to decide what you wanna do with the crap on the floor. And you can shove it under the rug, and you can smear it around, and you can scream about it if you want, or you can thoroughly, like, go get the carpet cleaner and clean it up and get the smell out. And that was when I knew I want to thoroughly get this out of the rug because I knew if I didn’t, it was going to keep coming back that, like, I wasn’t healing this thing that would just keep coming back and hitting me. The dog would keep coming back and crapping on my rug. But I do remember feeling so annoyed. Like, really, this is gonna be the thing that turns my life around that that’s so messed up. And I I almost self sabotaged my healing because I didn’t want it to be for that reason. Back to, my husband, he is now just like I he didn’t know that he was capable of showing up in these ways because there was never the need to.

Lee [00:33:13]:
And I heard somewhere, like, men won’t do anything they don’t have to, but when they have to, they’ll do anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:19]:
Mhmm.

Lee [00:33:20]:
And I said that to him, and he’s like, that is so sadly true. And that was really where it was at. I mean, he would have done anything. And if he had been any less willing to do anything, I would have walked away, honestly. Yes. But he really would have and and did do anything that I needed to be supported. And I would say if he were here, he’d be like, yeah. I’ve really surprised myself in what I’m capable of and the ways that I’m able to show up for my wife that I never really felt that I had to do.

Lee [00:33:59]:
I was getting what I needed without doing it, and so why why go the extra mile? And so there are so many good things that came out of it, but I, I understand what you’re saying. Like, it’s a layered question, and I’m not trying to glaze over it. Like, isn’t it so great? Right. It was not great, and I wish that I could have this result without all of that. However, that wasn’t the journey for me. Mhmm. And all of that, unfortunately, was required to get if I meant to be with this person, all of these changes had to happen for it to be different.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:35]:
Yeah. Does

Lee [00:34:36]:
that answer the question about him?

Lora Cheadle [00:34:38]:
It it does. Like, I

Lee [00:34:39]:
mean, I know I know how he’s changed. I know that he sees the good in it, but both of us wish that it could have been different, of course.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:49]:
Yeah. No. Absolutely. It it’s the appreciation of the the intensity of it. I’ve heard sometimes different quotes about in order to live, you need to know what it means to die. And when you lose somebody you love or when you’re around death, it makes you live more fully because you appreciate it. Mhmm. And it’s really sad that we can’t all just dig deeper, uncover our stuff, learn how to do things better, but unless there’s a reason, we just don’t.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:21]:
And I there’s no blame in that. There’s no shame in that. That’s human nature, and it’s also just sad. Mhmm.

Lee [00:35:29]:
Yeah. Very.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:30]:
Yeah. It’s just sad. So your relationship is definitely stronger now. You are stronger now. One of the things that I want to point out, to listeners, we worked together for 6 months. We uncovered a lot of this stuff. You mentioned that you had some childhood memories and abuse and things like that. And now Leigh is seeing a therapist too to help dig through some of that.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:56]:
And I just wanted to point that out that it’s not like, wow. We were together in 6 months, and I uncovered all these memories. And I figured out these patterns in myself, and my marriage is better, and my whole you’re still continuing this journey to heal that part.

Lee [00:36:14]:
Thank you so much for saying that. And I know if I’d listened back to this, I would have thought, did I sugarcoat any of this? No. It has been so deeply everything, every possible emotion, and it continues to be. Mhmm. I was just in marriage counseling this morning crying and still processing and still talking about how to talk about it and what I need from him when I talk about it. And it’s ongoing, but, yeah, all this stuff being uncovered is is a relief because now I know what to work on, but the journey is not over at all. So, yeah, still working. And I and I know that you’re available to me too for what I need, but I did, join up with a therapist as Yes.

Lee [00:37:04]:
The 6 months wound up and all of that heavy stuff was coming up.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:07]:
Mhmm. Yeah. Absolutely. And I think that’s important too because coaching and therapy are different. There are some different overlap there are some overlaps, but they are different for different reasons. And when you’re working with a therapist, you get to delve into the past. You get to go into the childhood. You get to heal all of that stuff.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:27]:
And I never want people to think that it’s a one and done with anybody. If you’re seeing a marriage counselor, that’s great, but chances are you’re going to need a coach or a therapist. If you’re seeing a a therapist, that’s great, but chances are you’re gonna need a coach. It’s it’s multifaceted. Like, we’re saying there’s so many different strands. It’s not like you can just see 1 person 3 or 4 times and call it good.

Lee [00:37:52]:
Absolutely. And everyone has a different story. I’m obviously not a professional who’s telling anyone what to do, but my husband and I having our own people separately and then working together was very vital for us. And I’ve talked to other people who’ve said the same that working together is important for the now, but figuring out your own independent pieces. I don’t think that we would have worked if I had been working with you, Laura, and doing all of this, and he was just sitting there waiting for me to figure it out. No. He had to do his own work, and he did have his own person while I had mine. And and I’m grateful that we had that.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:33]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Here’s something else I wanna address because I’m not sure if you ever felt this. Many of the people that I talk to will say, why do I have to see a therapist? He did this. He is the one with the problem. Why do I have to do my own work? I don’t have work. I didn’t cheat. I was faithful.

Lee [00:38:53]:
Yes. The resentment of that is real and invalid. You know? It’s it I can fully understand, and I’ve definitely felt that of look at the position that now I’m put in because of what someone else did something that someone else did. And like I said early on, I realized we were both dance partners in this, the way that we got to where we got. Again, not blaming not taking on the blame or shaming myself, but I was a participant in where we got to where we got. Yes. He was the participant in doing what he did, but but I was an involved person. So I think I pretty quickly let go of that anger around having to do the work, and I started to think, no.

Lee [00:39:42]:
This is this is necessary. This is really necessary, but it’s so common to feel that. Like, I’m not the one who should be doing all of this. But even if he hadn’t been doing his own work, I still would have needed it to heal myself because it was such a horrible betrayal. I I mean, take him out of the picture. I needed support regardless. And so it wasn’t me, like, having to do this work. It was me trying to survive and heal because I wasn’t going to make it if I didn’t.

Lee [00:40:13]:
Yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:13]:
And thank you for saying that too because that’s something that sometimes people will say too. Well, I’ll just divorce, and I’ll just leave him. That doesn’t heal the wound.

Lee [00:40:23]:
I maybe maybe there are people who can it doesn’t heal the wound, but maybe there are people who can do that and still tread water. I could not have tread water like that.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:32]:
Mm-mm. No. That’s exhausting. So what is next for you and for you in your partnership?

Lee [00:40:43]:
I’ll be real with you. I’m in a little bit of a tough place in my journey right now where I feel a little I feel very unsure of what’s next for me in as as myself and my own. I lost a lot of confidence through this as far as professionally. And so I’ve been stumbling around a little bit in that, and I have my own business, and I really was kind of heading, like felt like I was a little bit on fire right before this happened, and I’ve lost a lot of that steam. And that’s been really hard for me. And I still, today, sitting here, don’t really know how I’ll regain that. So that’s the work that I’m doing on myself after finding out my confidence took such a hit on every level. I mean, I looked at this other woman, and I felt that she was classically prettier than me.

Lee [00:41:41]:
She was younger than me, thinner than me. And so I became very obsessed with how can I ever be good enough again? And that wasn’t just physically. I really felt that as a professional, as a person. So my own work right now is around trying to regain my confidence so that I can get back on track with the goals and the dreams that I have because I’ve been so trying to make it day to day Mhmm. Up until now. And the work for our marriage is much more of, openness and talking together, me being open about what I’m struggling with him being receptive to that, us hearing each other, which is something that I never really felt heard. I always felt like there was just a steamroller going over me, and I I needed to get on board. And now I really feel heard.

Lee [00:42:39]:
I feel like the way that I’m feeling matters. So there’s a lot of exploring that. And, also, the intimacy piece has been really hard for me to regain. So there’s a lot of work around that. A lot of the intimacy was because I felt so disgusted in myself. I felt like I will never be as pretty or as young or as good. And I I I will say, like, the intimacy piece has been the hardest to regain because, you know, you get those images. You get the thoughts.

Lee [00:43:11]:
You get the and there’s there’s actually a lot I could say on on that, but I have so much more work to do around that piece

Lora Cheadle [00:43:19]:
Mhmm.

Lee [00:43:19]:
If that if that answers the question of where we’re at. But we’re still in marriage counseling, probably will be for a very long time. And then I’m in therapy, and he he has his own infidelity coach. And so we’re doing our own work and our our together work and, just really trying to figure out, like, how do I get back to me after all of this?

Lora Cheadle [00:43:44]:
Yeah. Yeah. Couple of points I wanna say on that. One of the things that I hear people say sometimes is that so much time, that’s so much money, that’s such a big commitment. Yes. It is. It’s time, it’s money, it’s commitment. Did you know that the average divorce is $50,000? You know? And that’s that’s average.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:08]:
And, again, if you need a divorce or if you want a divorce, by all means, get a divorce. If your partner is not showing up, get out. It’s not gonna get better. But to invest in yourself and in your relationship, yeah, it does take time. Yeah. It does take money. And I love hearing you being able to articulate. I still need help on the intimacy.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:34]:
I’m still working on the confidence. We’re still figuring out how to talk because you can identify those pieces. And I think speaking for myself and I think for a lot of people before, it’s like, I don’t exactly know what’s wrong. I’m just not really that happy. And what a gift to be like, yeah. Intimacy, check. Confidence, check. Communication, check.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:55]:
These are the things we’re working on. That’s progress.

Lee [00:44:59]:
Yes. Wow. Yeah. And I didn’t even realize I guess yeah. I I couldn’t put into words, but before d day, I was not happy. I was not fulfilled. I was very I was really struggling in in our marriage, and but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what the problem was. And if I could have, it wouldn’t have been a good conversation.

Lee [00:45:22]:
It wouldn’t have been a fruitful converse it wouldn’t have led to any change. And so, mister Rogers, he said if it’s mentionable, it’s manageable, and I think about that all the time because when I can say this is what I’m feeling or this is what the problem is, at least I know that can be managed. But before, you’re so right, I was unhappy, but I I was just broadly unhappy. Mhmm. And I couldn’t really manage it because I couldn’t mention it. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:52]:
And so much of the unhappiness and, listeners, I don’t know if you can hear this or not because sometimes it’s like it’s just like so many words coming in and out of your head. But sometimes when we’re unhappy with our partner, what’s really happening is we’re unhappy with ourself. And it’s really hard to say like that. I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’ve been steamrolled. I’m not being heard. I’m not showing up. That’s harder.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:21]:
So then we look at our partner and say, well, it must be your fault, but I don’t really know why. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Lee [00:46:27]:
Totally. Yep.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:28]:
Yeah. It’s tough. I mean, relationships are tough. Relationship with yourself is tough. It’s it’s a lot. So getting ready to wrap up, what are some of the top things that you would like other people to know? Whether it’s advice, whether it’s I wish I would have known this, always do this, it was a game changer, Any advice, information, tools for anybody listening thinking, dang. In 9 months, you’ve made a lot of progress. I kinda wanna be where you are, Leigh.

Lee [00:47:07]:
Yeah. Let’s see. So I’m so careful to tell people what is right for them because my what I needed what I needed was pod you know, finding a podcast. Some people would be like, how could you even listen to a podcast while that was happening? So everyone needs something different. But for sure, I have to say having support, and that can look like different things for me. It was you. I obviously had a couple of friends who I confided in as well, but having support is huge. As I mentioned earlier, I’m really grateful that I didn’t blow this story out of the water and tell every single person in a fit of needing some kind of validation because that would have made the healing so much harder.

Lee [00:47:57]:
And if I had one piece of advice that I I do think could apply to everyone, it is to take it slow at the beginning. And I I fortunately was out of town, so I really couldn’t, thankfully, tell run around through my town and tell scream it from the rooftops, but I’m very glad that I didn’t in hindsight even though it might feel like in the moment that would be a relief. Mhmm. Find your very few people who you know will show up for you in a supportive way and and and just start there. Maybe later you do wanna tell everyone. That’s that’s fine. But when you’re in that trauma moment that I would highly just I’m so grateful that I didn’t do that, thankfully. And the final piece that I would recommend to anyone is to follow your own intuition and your own gut, and the the thing with that is you can’t always access that right away.

Lee [00:48:52]:
You can’t be expected to feel this huge traumatic blow and then also be able to access your intuition. So just know that if you feel like you’re trying so hard and the other person isn’t doing their part, listen to that intuition. And if you feel like the story you’ve been told your whole life is if someone cheats on you, you leave, but that doesn’t feel right to your own gut to listen to that. And you don’t it it may take a little time to get to that. It’s it’s really in my experience, which is limited to my own story. It’s normal at first to not really even know what that means, but it will come if you give it a a little bit of time.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:36]:
Yeah. Yeah. Very well said. Very well said. Because no. How do you know? How can anybody just know all of this in this random moment? It it does take it takes a lot of time, and it does, like you said, takes

Lee [00:49:53]:
you have

Lora Cheadle [00:49:53]:
to take the glasses off of society’s narrative about what it means and figure it out for you because we’re all different, and our relationships are all different, and our situations are all different. So yeah. So thank you. Now my very last question before we leave is around forgiveness. And what like I said before, I’m not a huge proponent of, like, oh, it all lives and dies and hinges on forgiveness. What are your thoughts around forgiveness? Forgiving yourself, your partner, the affair partner, the situation?

Lee [00:50:26]:
It’s a great final question. It’s it’s a heavy one, and I think everyone has their own idea of what forgiveness looks and feels like. I didn’t know that I was forgiving. I really was surviving and doing my best to heal myself, period. Because I knew regardless of whether I stayed or whether I left, I wasn’t I couldn’t leave myself. I was going to be left at the end of the day with myself, letting go of the anger and trusting that I’m having experiences that I need to have to become a more full version of myself, whether I’m married to this person or not. I’m forgiving that this whole thing happened because it was a part of my story, whether I like it or not. And I would say for sure that forgiveness takes time for me, and it takes seeing consistent action and effort from the other person.

Lee [00:51:35]:
And for that, I’m I’m working on forgiveness toward my partner, and it becomes a little bit more every day. And then forgiving myself, I’d say I’m I’d say I’m there. I’m I because I see why I was doing what I was doing because that was all uncovered. So I can forgive myself for the action that I took or the action that I didn’t take because it makes sense, and I can let that go and start over now.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:08]:
Yeah. That’s beautiful. Leigh, thank you so much for your time and your vulnerability and for just unpacking a bit of your journey. I really think this is going to be so helpful for people in all phases of the journey just to know how you got through it and that what they’re feeling and experiencing is normal and that they’re not losing their mind and there actually is hope. So thank you so much.

Lee [00:52:37]:
Thank you for having me.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:39]:
You’re welcome. Listeners have an amazing week. As usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. If you would like to book your free 20 minutes with me, please hop on my website, loracheadle.com. That’s loracheadle.com. And on the top right, there’s a little button that says, let’s chat. Click that. You can either send me an email.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:12]:
It gives you my email right there. Or the very first option in the calendar below is to book your free discovery call. So click on that, and you can book your session right away. And, truly, I cannot encourage you enough to reach out. First of all, once you break through, once you make that first connection with somebody else, you’re going to feel enormously better. 2nd of all, there is no obligation. I am here to help you because it’s my mission to help people like me. I couldn’t get any support.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:51]:
I couldn’t find the kind of nonjudgmental in the moment support that I need. There’s no pressure. There’s no obligation. It’s 20 minutes. Reach out. Like Leigh was saying, you can cry the whole time. It doesn’t matter. We can talk.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:08]:
You can ask for advice. You can tell me your story. You can you can do whatever. It’s your time. It is just a time to connect with somebody who has been there too. So please, loracheadle.comloracheadle. Top right corner. Let’s chat and book your discovery session.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:33]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Laura Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.