Let’s break down the saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. How do you know when is it true and when is it not true? What are the signs that your partner will or will not cheat again? Is there anything you can do to prevent your partner from cheating again? Can people really change? What if they don’t want to change? How would it feel for you to be labeled as the worst thing you had ever done? Let’s talk about all of this and more so you can be the best, healthiest version of yourself even after learning about your partner’s infidelity.

Top take-a-ways

• Can the cheater really change, and can you ever trust a cheater again?
• What emotional intelligence and the ability to understand, communicate, and advocate for your needs has to do with cheating.
• Why cheating is a coping strategy and how to find new strategies that work.
• Neruoplasticity and what it takes for change to be permanent.

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About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

 

 

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

 

 

 

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Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

You’re listening to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal, a podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and oh, boy, am I passionate about what we are going to talk about today. What we’re gonna talk about today is, is the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater, true Or not. And kind of part and parcel with that, a lot of stuff comes up because it’s not like you can say, oh, definitively, yes, no, Or in this case, yes, and in this case, no. Answering that question really means that you have to unpack a lot. So that’s why I wanted to spend this entire show talking about that, getting clear on what that phrase really means, Why it’s so triggering to you as the betrayed partner? Because if you’re anything like me, That phrase brings up a lot, and just, like, unpack what that means. Okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:01:44]:

With anything, I am not a huge proponent of black and white, always, never, because humans are really complex. Life is really complex. And the truth of the matter is cheating is really complex. If you’ve ever done one of those quizzes online, like, what kind of an affair was it? Chances are you’re gonna be like, well, Kind of bridges the gap. It was sort of this, but then there was an element of this, and then there was some of this in there too. Yeah. That’s common Because usually, it’s a combination of reasons why somebody cheats. Very few people Really just wake up one day and decide to go cheat.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:02:30]:

So with that in that with that said, If affairs are complex and if the reasons for having affairs are complex and if human behavior is complex, you can see why Any black or white statement, whether it’s a stereotype or a judgment or a rule, doesn’t really work. I mean, I really want you to lean in for a minute for to some of the stereotypes. Women are, you know? Gay people are. Transgender people are. Teachers are. Blondes are. I mean, just Think about all of the things throughout your life that you may have heard somebody say, like, well, everybody who is, And it’s not true. So with that kind of as the background, is the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater true? You can’t really say that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:03:28]:

You can’t really say one way or the other whether it’s true or not. Now here’s what I will say. Cheating is a coping mechanism. Cheating is a behavior that people resort to in order to feel better. And you’re probably thinking, wait. What? That makes no sense. And shouldn’t he have thought about the way he was ruining my life? And shouldn’t this have happened? And shouldn’t that have happened? And what out if somebody’s just falling in love and blah blah blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:04:08]:

If somebody is in some sort of a pain, They’re going to wanna make themselves feel better. My husband said he cheated for validation. That’s a very common thing. People will say they cheat because they wanna fulfill a fantasy or because they were in love Or because they had unmet needs. So any kind of need that somebody has that is unmet means they are in some sort of pain. My husband claimed that he was in pain because he wasn’t being Validated. It is not our job to judge somebody else’s level of pain. I can look at that statement.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:04:55]:

I wasn’t being validated. I needed to go find other people because they would tell me how awesome that I was. I can look at that and roll my eyes and be like, are you kidding me? You had a wife who loved you at home. You had kids who loved you at home. You had a whole community of people who loved you at home. Have you expressed for one moment that you were feeling neglected, that you were feeling invalidated, that you weren’t Feeling important or loved or worthy. Oh my gosh. Do you know how many of us would have leaped in and been like, Oh, sweetie.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:05:35]:

I am so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. And let me express my gratitude, and let me express my appreciation, and let me validate How hard this is to do all of the stuff that you’re doing. But here’s where it gets insidious. And, again, just using my case as an example because whatever your cheating partner told you, it’s the same story. It’s the same thing. If they tell you they weren’t in love with you, you were too focused on the kids, they weren’t getting enough sex, whatever it is, I’m sure, like me, you can walk it back and be like, but did you communicate that to me? Were we aware of this? Because So often when people are coaching with me, they’ll say, it was my fault. He said it was my fault. I wasn’t paying enough attention to him.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:06:23]:

It was my fault. We weren’t Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. No. No. Not once.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:06:28]:

Not ever. Is it your fault? Unless you were holding a gun to somebody’s head and said, you must cheat right now, Or I will shoot you. It’s not your fault. In all of my years of doing this, I have never found A person met a person, talked to a person whose legitimate fault that it was because I have never met anybody Who literally threatened their partner that they must cheat. So just like me, You can take those reasons and you can walk it back, and you can say, this makes no sense that you felt this way. This makes no sense. And the answer is no. It doesn’t.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:07:10]:

Because like my husband who never communicated that there was a problem, I had no opportunity to cure. I was not aware of there being a problem, so I had no opportunity to cure. Like me, you probably had No knowledge that your partner was feeling a certain way, so you probably had no opportunity to cure either. One level deeper. You ready to go a little deeper? Walking back with me, seeing how this flows? Here’s the kicker. The person who cheated the cheating partner more than likely didn’t even know what was going on inside, so they couldn’t communicate it. If you don’t know what hunger pains are, You can’t communicate, I’m hungry. If you don’t know what your emotional pains are, you can’t communicate, I don’t feel seen.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:08:10]:

I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel validated. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel valued. I don’t if you don’t know what it is, you can’t express it. And I’m sure, again, like me, there have been times where you’re like, I’m just so upset, and I don’t know why. What’s going on? It just doesn’t feel right. It just doesn’t feel good.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:08:31]:

We all have those situations like that where we’re like, I cannot express how I feel because I don’t really know how I feel. So I can’t ask For what I need because I don’t really know what I need. I mean, it’s hard. Sometimes we can say, I need a hug. I need someone to take this off my plate. I need perspective. I need advice. I just need to vent.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:08:54]:

But so often, we don’t know what we need. We just know that for some reason, we don’t feel that great, and Women tend to be more verbal and more emotionally available, intelligent than men. Not to say that all men aren’t, not to say that all women are, and not to say that men can’t learn it. It’s just that in our Culture? Men do not have that same opportunity to go deep and express their feelings. There’s a ton of research that going back to babyhood, girl babies Engage in eye contact longer and more intently with their caregivers than boy babies. Boy babies, as a rule, tend to shift their gaze away more quickly, and they are less Comfortable with that emotional intimacy than girl babies are. So we have a biological nature side of this, and we have this nurture side of things too where men are not encouraged to share their feelings the way women are encouraged to share their feelings. So oftentimes, men don’t even have practice self reflecting And feeling their feelings and understanding the differences between, you know, I feel a little bit anxious.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:10:28]:

No. No. It’s not quite anxiety, is it frustration? Mhmm. Yeah. It’s more frustration than anxiety, but it’s tinged with a little anger, Or is it bitterness? So many men don’t do that. So many women don’t do that. But no matter who cheated on you, man, woman, whatever, the reason that they cheated is they don’t have that connection to their emotions. They, 1, don’t know what they’re feeling.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:10:58]:

2, they can’t express what they’re feeling. So 3, you have no idea what they’re feeling and they are sitting there in a place of feeling wounded, Feeling bad, however it is, not loved, old and ugly, whatever it is, they are in a place of emotional pain. So that’s where we’re at. A person is in emotional pain. When we are in pain, We attempt to solve that pain. If you have a headache, you might take an aspirin. You might lay down in a dark room. You might See, you know, if somebody can rub your neck a little bit.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:11:38]:

You might get some water. When you’re in pain, you try to make yourself feel better. All people do. We’re supposed to make ourselves feel better. So what happens though when you don’t know how to make yourself feel Better. That is a whole other level. That’s a whole other conundrum The cheating partner tends to go through. They’re in pain, and they don’t have coping skills.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:12:08]:

They don’t have coping skills. There are so many different coping skills that we have That can enable us to feel better. Mindfulness, meditation, support groups, therapy, Reading, walking, working out, doing something that we love, massage, self touch rubbing your own head, taking a bubble bath, Connecting with nature, hugging a tree, tending a garden, reading to kids, playing with animals, Breath work, emotional freedom technique, which is also known as tapping, hypnotherapy, like reading, Watching a movie, cooking something. There are thousands of coping skills out there. If you’re not looking for those coping skills, you might not even know that they’re there. And because we tend to think of coping skills as certain regimented prescribed things, oftentimes, we don’t see a hobby as a coping skill or calling a friend is a coping skill. Secondary second to that, so many times you don’t know if a coping skill is going to work unless you try it. Maybe try it once, maybe try it twice, maybe try several things.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:13:31]:

It’s like flavors of ice cream. There’s so many flavors of ice cream out there. If you try 1, if you try, like, kind of an off the wall ice cream flavor and it’s the 1st time you’ve tried ice cream, you might be like, Ew. Sour lemon ice cream is just is the thing that I try to I don’t like ice cream. It just doesn’t do it for me. I don’t wanna try ice cream anymore because that was so bitter and blah. Just made my whole mouth water and pucker. I don’t like ice cream.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:14:04]:

Well, what you don’t like is the sour lemon ice cream. Unless you try chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or butterbrikle or whatever it is, You’re going to go through life thinking ice cream doesn’t work. I don’t like ice cream. Same is true for other things like yoga. There’s power yoga, which is very, very, very different than yin yoga. In yin yoga, you, like, rest in these positions for long periods of time. In power yoga, you’re like moving and grooving and bending all over. It’s both yoga, but it’s yoga on completely different ends of the spectrum.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:14:41]:

And in the middle, there’s like every other kind of yoga you can imagine. Meditative yoga, laughter yoga. I mean, Ashtanga yoga. It’s so different. So again, people will sometimes say to me, Lora, I tried yoga, and it’s not a great coping skill for me, and it’ll be like, well, which kind of yoga did you try and how many different instructors did you try? And There’s so many different things you have to try it out to find out if it’s going to work. You’ve gotta try these coping skills to find out if they’re going to work. And also many coping skills you need to try a couple of times. Because just like with learning anything, the first time you do it, it’s not Perfect.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:15:25]:

The 1st time you make a recipe, you’re like, now I know what to do differently next time. The 1st time you try anything, arts, Crafts, painting, writing, singing, dancing, playing an instrument. The first time you do it, you’re like, that was awkward. That didn’t give me the satisfaction. Everybody says painting is great, but I was just frustrated. Well, yeah, because you’re just learning it. So try those coping skills a few times before you summarily dismiss them. So I’m going so fast, but it’s because I’m so passionate about this.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:16:05]:

So let’s take a little pause. Let’s breathe. Give ourselves a chance to integrate some of this because the thrust of the show Is is the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater accurate? I say probably not, And here are the reasons why. And in the instances where it is true, this Understanding this is gonna help you figure out why and when that phrase will be true and why in front when that phrase will not be true. And after all, isn’t that what we want? Like, the whole reason we ask that question, once a cheater always a cheater? Is that true? The only reason we ask that is because we wanna apply it to our situation. We want to know, will our partner do this again? Truly. Like, otherwise, why would we care? We want to know, will they do it again or will they not do it again? Am I safe? Am I safe? Can I trust this person? Am I safe to trust this person? Will this person hurt me again or not? That’s why we ask that. Otherwise, who cares? It doesn’t matter.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:17:26]:

It matters to us Because we want to know if we are safe. So in determining, are we safe, we ask the question, Is the phrase once a cheater always a cheater true or not? Somebody cheats because they’re in pain. They think cheating will help take care of that pain. Cheating is a coping mechanism. So that’s why we did this whole thing. Can your partner identify what they’re feeling? Can they express What they’re feeling and ask you for what they need. Do they understand that? That’s the whole first part of it. If your partner has No ability or no desire.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:18:13]:

Most people have an ability. It’s a desire. If they have no idea to understand their emotions, To get in touch with what they’re feeling and then to learn how to better communicate with you and to ask for what they need to advocate on their own behalf, Then, oh, they’re probably going to default to cheating again because they are always going to need a coping mechanism. They’re Always going to need something to make them feel better because they’re probably not going to get their needs met because they can’t advocate on behalf of themselves, and they can’t advocate on behalf of themselves Because they don’t understand what they’re feeling, and they can’t communicate it. So if somebody doesn’t understand themselves and Can’t communicate and can’t talk to you about what they need, they’re gonna need some sort of coping skill to feel better. Cheating is a coping skill. So that’s kind of that 1st prong of that. Now moving back, because this is our little review here to the 2nd prong, coping skills.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:19:12]:

What kind of coping skills do they have? Do they know they need to use coping skills? Can they recognize at least that they’re in pain? Even if they can’t identify why or what they need, can they recognize that they’re in some sort of pain and that they need a coping skill? That’s a big one. Because if they can’t recognize that they’re in pain and they can’t recognize that the coping skill, no. Doesn’t necessarily look good. But once they can recognize that they’re in pain, once they can recognize, like, I need to do something about this, I need a coping skill, game on. Game on. They might not cheat again, because they know other ways of taking care of that pain. So what are coping skills? I just listed a bunch of them. How do coping skills work? Well, you have to experiment.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:20:07]:

What works for me might not work for you, might not work for your partner. What works for your partner might not work for you, might work whatever. You’ve got to experiment. So understanding that you need a coping skill, identifying what several possibilities could be for you. I always encourage people to make a list, to get a journal, to get even one of those little spirally notebooks, and to write down all the things that they like doing, Golf. Fishing, tennis, walking, running, weightlifting, drawing, reading. Like, I’ll write them down. Because then that way, when you are not feeling good and this goes for you too.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:20:48]:

This is not just for your partner to do. This is for you to do too because guess what? Being the betrayed partner just doesn’t feel good, does it? Didn’t feel good for me. Guessing it’s not gonna feel great for you either. You’re in pain. You need to make yourself feel better. What do you need? You need a coping skill. Make yourself a list. Try them all out.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:21:14]:

When you’re legitimately at loose ends, when your partner is legitimate Legitimately at loose ends. Pull out the book and look through all the different things and be like, woah. Cooking sounds really good. How to bake some bread right now. That is gonna make me feel good. Or I gotta get out of here, people. I gotta go smash something. I need to go, like, run.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:21:36]:

I need to go power box. I need to go axe throwing. Look at your list of things, And then do those things and start building the habit of doing different things. Because here’s another truth in that. Cheating is a coping skill. Does it really make you feel better? Does cheating really make you feel better? So many of the women that I work with have this notion that He has his cake, and he’s eating it too. Cheating is so fun. It’s awesome.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:22:16]:

He gets to go out and have all this sex and these flirty relationships and blah blah blah blah blah. Again, all relationships are different. All affairs are different. Most Of the affairs are not romance. Most of the affairs are not a ton of fun. Somebody might be in limerence for a while, which is kind of like this crazy obsession. That’s not really fun. Somebody might have a few weeks or days or months or whatever of, like, I’m really into this, but ultimately, there’s pain underneath it because They’re married.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:22:57]:

Ew. They’re acting out. They know they’re acting out. Nobody condones having an affair. Nobody condones deception. As you know, whenever you do something wrong, you feel icky. Even if it’s small, you feel icky, and you’re like, oh. I mean, super small things.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:20]:

You know what I mean? Like, if somebody runs a red light, you’re you’re you’re even gonna be like, oh, I ran that red light. I pushed it, and I really pushed it. And it’s not like it’s gonna haunt you for the rest of your life, but you still have that feeling inside of, like, oh, I did that, and that’s for a red light. Cheating doesn’t feel good. The person who is cheating doesn’t really feel good. They might get a dopamine hit. They might get a temporary high. They might be in that limerence.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:50]:

They might be in this whole fantasy world, but, yeah, it’s kind of fun in its own way. But there is a place inside of them where they’re like, oh, this isn’t real. This is not good. And they’re gonna kinda hate themselves too. And And what’s weird about that self hatred, that self disgust is the more shame that’s there, The more self hatred, the more self disgust, the more of a shame cycle they go into for doing it, the more dysfunctional they get And the more in pain they get, and the more likely they are to keep cheating or drink or do any Other sort of unhealthy behavior because they’re in a shame spiral, and what do you do when you really, really, really feel bad about yourself and you already don’t have coping skills? It’s not pretty. You pick fights with your partner. You act like a total jerk. You try to buy your way out of something.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:24:53]:

You act like a big shot. You start being kind of arrogant. A lot of dysfunctional unhealthy behaviors Result from that. So I’ve spent a good half of the show kind of on this whole negative cycle of if people don’t understand how they feel and they’re gonna go back to these coping skills and, yeah, once a cheater, always a cheater, blah. I wanna spend the second half of the show on the flip side of this, on the positive side of this, on the growth side of this because If we understand this, if you understand this, if your cheating partner can understand this, If your friends and family can understand this, if the world can start understanding this, it helps us all Because eventually, it starts preventing cheating, and it makes room for more grace, for more forgiveness, For more love, not only in this affair space, but in all relationships as well. And ultimately then, it makes us feel better. And it’s not the whole crux of everything. When we don’t feel good, we try to make ourselves feel better.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:26:12]:

Here’s an understanding that can make everybody feel better. It can make you feel better as the cheap person who has been cheated on. Whether or not you stay with your partner, don’t you wanna feel better? Do you wanna spend the rest of your life being bitter and angry? Probably not. So what are you gonna do to make yourself feel better? That was one of the filter questions that I posted in my Facebook group. If you’re not there, FAIR Recovery For Women on Facebook, hop into that group. But this is one of those filter questions. Are my thoughts making me feel better? Are my thoughts about the affair making me feel better? Are my thoughts about my partner making me feel better? Because if they’re not making you feel better, let’s consider thinking something else. Last week’s show was on anger and the power of anger.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:13]:

And here’s the thing, sometimes being Really freaking angry can make you feel better because it empowers you. And you’re strong and you’re clear and you’re determined and you’ve got energy. So Is my anger serving me right now? Yes. It is empowering me to move forward. Is my rage Making me feel better right now. Yes. It’s really kicking me into high gear to get all of this in taken care of. Awesome.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:41]:

Keep that emotion. Allow it to flow through naturally, but if you are like so many of the women who start coaching with me, they They come to me and they’re, like, I can’t get over this. I’m perseverating. I have obsessive thoughts. I can’t function. I’m confused and dysfunctional. I’m hurt. It’s been a year and a half and I don’t feel better.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:28:06]:

It’s been 2 years, and I still can’t get over it. I hate my partner. I hate men. I hate is that serving you? Is that serving you? Do you wanna spend 2 years now, 3 years now, another 4 years now? How long do you wanna spend feeling bad? How long do you wanna spend in pain? How long do you wanna be bitter? How long do you wanna be harsh and judgmental? He chose this, and it is wow. How long do you wanna feel like a victim? Answer that question because that is your question to answer. How long do you want to feel like this? If you’re, like, loving it, gonna stay here the rest of my life, gonna die a bitter old woman who was just hateful, awesome. You do you. You do you.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:29:05]:

Go be a bitter old woman. Go be hateful. Go be judgmental. Go be holier than thou. Go be whatever negative emotion it is For as long as you want or forever. It’s your prerogative. But if you are like The women I work with, they’re like, no. I’m sick of feeling sick.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:29:26]:

I’m sick of feeling gutted. I’m sick of feeling broken. I don’t wanna have these thoughts in my head. It’s over. It’s I’m over it. Then make that choice And start moving on, and I can help you. I can help you feel better. So what thoughts are you thinking, and are those thoughts making you feel better or not? Is the phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater, does that empower you? Does that make you feel happy and expansive? Or does that make you feel fearful and shut down? Because you know what? It makes me feel fearful and shut down.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:14]:

Not only does it make me feel fearful and shut down because he’s gonna cheat again, but every other man that I ever have a relationship with, he’s gonna cheat again. And every other woman, I can’t trust her either because those women out there cheated, you know, with him, and they knew he was married. Woah. Once a cheater, always a cheater? That does not make me feel good, and this is about me. The affair recovery work I do is about you. I want you to feel better. How do you feel? Does the believing the phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater, make you feel good, Or does it make you feel really crappy? Because it doesn’t make me feel very good at all. I believe that we are human and that we all make mistakes.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:31:04]:

I believe in redemption. I believe in growth. I believe that we are all capable of making really bad mistakes even repeatedly and learning from our mistakes. I believe that when we know better, we do better. I believe that, and I also believe that there are people who don’t choose to believe that. I believe that there are people who are so weak that they don’t wanna do the work. I believe that there are people who are so damaged that they don’t wanna do the work either. I believe that some people just don’t even want to, and they just don’t care.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:31:45]:

And, again, they can do them. They can do themselves. I do me. You do you. They can do themselves. But I believe Once a cheater, always a cheater is not true. Here’s the example that I love to give. For all of you moms out there, for all of you who have raised kids or taken care of kids, you know that kids can push every button you’ve got.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:32:16]:

You can be tired. You can be exhausted. Your kids can be obstinate and stubborn. You probably really love your kids. I adore my kids. I love my kids. More than anything in this universe, I love my kids. I’m also not going to hit my kids.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:32:36]:

I’m not gonna scream at my kids. I’m not gonna beat my kids. I’m not gonna do any of that kind of behavior. That’s not who I am, and yet still and yet Still, I loved my kids. I do not believe in psycho screaming or spanking or anything like that, and yet still, There were times, I can count them, not many, but there were times where I completely lost my Cool and psycho screamed at my kids. There was even a time with my toddler Throwing a tantrum while the other one was vomiting, I totally lost it, and I picked him up and I whacked his little tushy. That’s not what I do. That’s not what I believe, and yet I still did it.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:33:30]:

And I went psycho and lost it and screamed my head off more than once too. So are you gonna tell me once a screamer, always a screamer? Once a spanker, always a spanker? Oh, oh my god. Think about road rage. Have you ever done something stupid driving? Have you ever been like, and just cutting off this car and That’s probably not you. I have done stupid, not really road ragey things, but, like, where you’re like, John’s getting around this driver, And you get around them, I’ve done that. I’ve done that more than once. It does not make me a road rager. It just doesn’t.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:15]:

I don’t care what mistake you have ever made in your life. It doesn’t make you that thing. You are not your mistake. You are not your mistake. Other people are not their mistakes. Even if they’ve made that mistake several times, maybe they don’t know better yet. Maybe they can’t do better because they don’t know better yet. Just like when I was saying, cheating is a coping mechanism.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:42]:

If you give somebody else a different coping mechanism And they’re gonna figure it out, it works better, and they wanna do it, they’re not gonna have to cheat again because they’re gonna have different coping mechanisms, because they’re gonna figure out What they’re feeling, how to get their needs met, and what to do. So no. They’ll be fine. They’ll be fine. I really don’t think my husband’s gonna cheat again. I will never say never for anything because we’re all capable of just about anything, but He knows other ways of getting his needs met that are more effective. He is better at communication and self advocacy. He is better at identifying what he feels.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:35:24]:

Like, all of these things have come into play, and he does better Because he’s figured it out. Think about all of the things that you have learned over the years, Whether somebody teaches you a new cooking technique and you’re like, oh my god, this technique is like changing my world. I never knew about that, and now I know how to do it. Think about all of these hacks, whether it’s for like that, sewing, painting. We have a painter here painting our house. He told us, taught us some techniques on the tape and the caulk. Like, I have never been able to tape and caulk and get a really straight line. It’s always been a total mess.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:05]:

He taught us a new way of doing it. Oh my gosh. I’m 54. I’m almost 55, and I learned something new, and now I don’t edge the same way. My painting will forever look different because I learned a new skill. So if somebody can learn, then they might not cheat again. Know better, do better. Of course, you have to want to.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:34]:

The painter could have come over and showed me this amazing tape and caulk Technique and I could’ve said, don’t care. I like crooked lines, I don’t care. Freehand, Messy? Good enough. I don’t care. So does your partner care? Does your partner care? Chances are they care. Chances are they love you. Chances are there’s a lot that they love about their relationship and their life and their family and all of that, and they don’t really want To lose you or it or any of that. It’s just that they had this really weird pain and this really weird belief that cheating would help.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:37:19]:

Sidebar. You might be thinking, why the heck would anybody think cheating helps? Not that every cheater has trauma, sexual abuse, things like that, but many do because guess what? Many humans have trauma. Guess what? Many humans have sexual abuse. Guess what? Many humans have been abused and hurt, and hurt people hurt people. Chances are your cheater has got some sort of a trauma in their background, Which makes it make a little bit more sense why they would think cheating would make them feel better. It doesn’t make sense to a healthy Person who has not experienced trauma, it tends to make sense from somebody with a background in poverty, Sexual abuse, trauma, emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a huge one. Somebody who has been on their own, they’ve had an abandonment wound.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:38:23]:

It makes sense for them. It doesn’t have to make sense to you or to me. It makes sense to them somehow in their own convoluted way or they’ve legit got some kind of a mental health thing going on. Narcissistic personality traits. You don’t have to be a full blown narcissist with a diagnosis to have narcissistic personality traits. Again, my husband was raised by 2 complete and total diagnosable, narcissists. He does not have a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. However, he has adopted some of those narcissistic traits Because he was raised by 2 people who were clinically certifiably narcissists.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:39:10]:

So What was your partner’s parents like? Is your partner willing to look at that and to learn and to be like, woah. This personality trait that I have is not a healthy one. This personality trait that I have Is it really me? It’s something that I learned, and it doesn’t work? Know better, do better. What are the things that you have learned to do differently over the years? And I want you to sit with that for a moment as well. What are the things that you’ve learned how to do better Over the years. I mean, it could be something simple like I had a makeover once and somebody really taught me how to do amazing eyeliner Or somebody taught me how to do my hair. Whether it’s a big or a small thing, if you learn a new skill and it really works for you, You’re not gonna go back to the old way of doing things. You’re not gonna go back to the old way of doing things if you find a better way.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:40:19]:

So it’s not true to say once a cheater always a cheater if your partner has found a better way. A better way to make themselves feel better, a better way to be in a relationship with you, a better way to express their needs, a better way to get their needs met. Now I know you because your brain is so much like my brain in so many ways. I know you. You’re probably thinking, I can help. And here’s what I wanna caution you about. Yeah. You can, A little, but it’s not your job.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:40:59]:

You can support because you love your partner, because you care about your partner. You can support, But it’s up to them to find new coping skills. It’s up to them to solve their own problems. And I do not want you Being the savior and rushing in and being like, I’m gonna help you find a better way, and I’m gonna help you get in touch with your emotions, and I’m gonna help you learn how to advocate, and And I’m gonna help you with all of these coping skills, and together, we’re gonna do breath work every single night after yoga, before meditation, and then we’re gonna go hug trees. Like, you can support or offer a suggestion or lead by example, but this is not Your job. And that is such a key point Because when stress happens, when the poop hits the fan, Your partner will default to their old behavior unless they have integrated new behavior into their Minds. Neuroplasticity is a thing. That’s a whole other thing.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:12]:

Neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change, to rewire. Just because we were one way once, doesn’t mean we’re stuck that way. But it does mean you have to want the change. You can’t want it more than your partner because we can’t do for others what they can do for themselves. You can’t be next to your partner their entire life helping guide their decisions nor would you want to be. You want them to feel it inside and to really change. Many other countries Besides the US have got prison systems that really focus on teaching the prisoners why They fell into crime.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:43:01]:

Why they did what they did. They teach them new skills so going forward, they can create a successful life. And the recidivism rates are lower in countries where they really work with the prisoners, and the prisoners want To go forward into life. You have to want it. You have to want it, but you can do it. Of course, you can do it. Way before I started doing this work, way before I was the betrayed partner, I, Coached a lot of women. When I got my certification in hypnotherapy, I was like, I’m just going to be a general hypnotherapist, And I’m going to work with the women who are burned out and women who need empowerment and blah blah blah blah blah.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:43:48]:

And I saw a lot of women, ended up seeing a lot of women for weight loss, which you would have thought was a really great fit for me because I love fitness and I’ve taught Fitness forever and hypnosis to change the mind, fitness to change the body, like, yes. And here’s why. I burned down on that pretty darn quickly. It was hard to do Because Betty of the people who would come to see me didn’t want to change. Many of the people who would come to see me didn’t want to change, and you’re probably thinking, just like I was thinking, what? Why would somebody say they wanna lose £50 and then invest with you and then not really lose the £50? Here’s why. As you know, there’s an obesity epidemic in in the world, but especially in the United States. It’s not for lack of knowledge. We all know how to count calories.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:44:54]:

We all know About metabolism, we all know about fitness and working out. We all know about all the things, but Why do we have an obesity epidemic if we know all those things? Well, because we’re not doing the things. Why are we not doing the things? Because we’re really not Rewiring the subconscious portion of the brain. We’re relying on our default habits. We’re not digging deep into the subconscious and rewiring the subconscious portion of our mind so we can create change. Why are people not doing that? Well, maybe they don’t understand the difference between conscious and subconscious, But more importantly, a lot of people don’t wanna do it. A lot of people don’t wanna do it because they’re afraid of the change. They’re afraid of what they will be like when.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:45:48]:

And here’s how I know that. As I would do the coaching with the clients, I would ask them To talk about what are you giving up? What are you giving up? And when they would say things like, wow, my whole family’s been overweight. All the women are these just Beautiful round women, and they cook, and they hug, and they bake cakes and breads and pies, and we just nurture our family with love. I’m just in this whole family, and we all nurture each other through food. Then you’re like, oh, wow. So you’re telling me you want to get skinny And then feel emotionally excluded from your family because you’re the 1 person who’s not nurturing people with food? And then the people were like, oh, I don’t really want that. I really wanna fit in. I wanna be a part of this community, my family.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:46:50]:

I don’t really wanna change. But here’s the thing. The woman would not really usually say that that honestly up front because that’s a deep thing. That’s a really deep emotional thing. They were just self sabotage. Oh, well, we had pasta night at our house. So I I didn’t follow the protocol, and I didn’t work out because we had pasta night. Self sabotage.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:47:15]:

Keep themselves safe. Oh, well, I didn’t do this because it was my daughter’s birthday. So then we went out, and then after that, we had a vacation, and then I just didn’t do it. And you know what? Can I reschedule our session next week? Because I’ve got this, that, and the other thing going on, and they sabotage. But I could tell with almost 100% accuracy who was going to self sabotage and who was not going to change And who is really ready to change? Who is like, you know what? I’m ready. I’ve got a scary diagnosis, And I’m tired of this, and I don’t feel good, and I’m tired of not feeling good. I’m tired of my joints hurting. I’m tired of not liking the way that I look in photos.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:48:02]:

I’m really tired of all of this, and now I’ve got this diagnosis and the time is now. And even though change is hard and even though it requires us to dig deep and even though it requires us to rewire our brains, Our brains can be rewired if we want it. And like I said, almost with 100% accuracy, could I tell you which Clients were, like, in for the long haul and ready to make that change, and which clients were gonna self sabotage and walk away and nothing was ever going to change. So asking the question, is once a cheater always a cheater? True. Is my partner gonna cheat again? I want you to look and discern. Is your partner really wanting to change? Are they in it for the long haul? Do they feel like they hurt their own soul by cheating? It’s not just about hurting you. It’s about hurting their own soul. Like the example that I gave, moms love their kids.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:49:11]:

Parents love their kids, and yet still, They can totally lose it. They can scream their head off at their kids. They can whap their kids. They can do bad things to somebody that they love, And it doesn’t mean that they don’t love their kid. Just because your partner cheated on you does not mean he doesn’t love you. We can love people and still make really bad mistakes because of our own dysfunction, Because of our own humanity, because of our own wounding, and We can know better, and we can do better when we want to and when we are committed to ourselves. And here’s the big gazinga for the end of the show. Like I said, your partner has to do it for them.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:06]:

This is not your job. You do not want your partner making things up to you. You want your partner making things up to them. You want your partner not only committed to you, of course, we want. We want them to take accountability. We want them to love us. We want them to do all of that. But more than for us, you should want your partner to do it for them.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:33]:

Betraying you is also a huge form of self betrayal, a huge form of self betrayal, Because it hurts your own soul to be that dishonest and that deceitful and make that bad of decisions. That hurts the cheater. I want my partner. I want my husband. I want Sean to be committed to himself, To his soul, to his heart, to his integrity, to his growth, to how he feels, and I want him to do everything he can in his power To keep himself feeling good and learning new skills and practicing new skills. And I want him to elevate himself because when he elevates himself, then he has the capacity to elevate Me and us and our relationship. Do not make promises to me. Make promises to yourself and keep those promises first.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:51:33]:

Because I married a man of integrity, I want you to stay integrity to yourself. You too. If you have married a good man, if you have married Or a woman, if you have married a partner with integrity, then what I want for you Is for you to want their growth for them. I want you to want Your partner to grow and to learn and to develop and to try. And it’s okay to fail, they just failed. And that’s how you can tell if they’re gonna cheat again. Are they committed to themselves? Are they committed to themselves? Yes. Commitment to you is nice, but ultimately, they have got to be committed to themselves because cheating was their coping mechanism.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:52:25]:

They’ve gotta be committed to themselves. Are they committed to know better? Are they committed to do better? If so, they are not Going to cheat again because they are not a cheater. They are a hurt person, an angry person, a confused person, a person without skills who chose this action, but their actions do not define them any more than your actions define you. If someone were to look at you in your worst moment and call you that for the rest of your life, would that be who you were? If someone were to look at you in your worst moment and then label you as that, Is that a fair and accurate representation of who you are? No. So look at your partner. See if they’re dedicated to themselves or not. Not all cheaters cheat again, but also not all people are dedicated to themselves and to doing the work. So, no, the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater is not accurate at all.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:53:35]:

It is no more accurate than saying once a screamer, always a screamer. Did you ever cheat on a test in elementary school? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Did you ever lie to a teacher, to your parents, to a friend? You look great today. That dress looks wonderful on you. Does that make you a liar? No. Get clear. Get honest. Look at your partner with objective eyes and support yourself And pray and hope and lean in to them Supporting themselves and committing a 100% back to them because only 1 2 people are a 100% dedicated to their Own growth, their own development, and their own learning and to doing a better job, will that relationship thrive? Have an amazing weekend.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:54:32]:

Always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more Not enough.

 

Narrator [00:54:41]:

Are you ready to breakthrough and find out what’s possible for you On the other side of betrayal? If you were tired of the anguish, the pain, The confusion, the overwhelm, or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your 1 on 1 hour long breakthrough call, and together, We will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of betrayal. During our time together, you can explain what’s going on with you. Together, we will figure out what it is that’s blocking you, Whether it’s your partner’s stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you, mindset, finances, concern about your kids, whatever it is, together, we will figure out what that block is, And then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of betrayal Without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted and losing focus and wasting time, money, or your valuable energy. Isn’t it time for you to get where you want to be? On the other side of this horrific situation, looking back with peace and perspective. When we get together, not only will you have that 1 on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, But we’ll also record it so everything will be memorialized, and you always will have something to go back to so you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me so you won’t lose track, so you won’t get derailed. And so if you need something adjusted, Together, we will be able to adjust it.

 

Narrator [00:56:57]:

To schedule your appointment, go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com And click on the pop up link, or reach out, Loralora@loracheedl,

 

Lora Cheadle [00:57:13]:

lorecheadle.com

 

Narrator [00:57:17]:

and let’s get you scheduled I can’t wait to help you step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth, and create exactly the kind of life that you love.

 

Narrator [00:57:37]:

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at seven and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguidedot