Survive Infidelity

Do you sometimes feel like you won’t survive the pain of being cheated on? Healing takes more than tactics, it takes a solid strategy. In today’s episode, we will break down the five key steps in the healing process: falling apart, seeking help, prioritizing self-care, moving the body, and connecting with others to nurture a sense of belonging. I’ll also open up about my personal experience with infidelity and the challenges I faced in seeking help, emphasizing the relief and growth that came from admitting the truth and asking for support. You’ll walk away with tactics that support your healing, including counseling, therapy, and even my 90-day program specifically designed for women recovering from infidelity.

Five Steps to Surviving Infidelity:
    1. Fall apart: Give yourself permission to feel your feelings
    2. Get Help! Asking for help is hard, but it’s the most important thing you can do. Learn the difference between strategy and tactics so you can create a healing strategy that works.
    3. Focus on Taking care of yourself, and refuse to disturb your own peace of mind.
    4. Move your Body!
    5. Connect with others! Belonging is a strong human drive. Embrace connection.

Tired of the Heartbreak & Pain? Find Relief Now!

Work individually with Lora or complete her online Affair Recovery course in the privacy of your own home. Learn more at www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com


About Lora

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

 

 

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT

 

 

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

 

 

 

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Transcript

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:02]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and, yes, I was cheated on by my partner too. And I have created a life that I not only love, but a life that I truly adore and wouldn’t trade for the world. Today, I wanna talk to you about how to survive being cheated on. I want to talk about your healing strategy, and I wanna lay out a healing strategy for you right here, right now, today so you can have a concrete plan that will move you forward so you too can start feeling better fast, much faster than without listening to this, much faster than without getting help, and you can be on the road to creating that positive next chapter in your life. Before we get into doing that, though, there are a couple of things that I want to say. Number 1, the information contained in this podcast is enormously valuable.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:15]:
Most listeners say they listen to shows multiple times. They’ll listen to it, like, one time and be like, I get it. And then they’ll be like, there was more there, and they listen to it again so they can start using the tactics, the strategies. And, they listen and they get more information. So follow me. Follow me. Subscribe. Subscribe to the show, and then most importantly, leave a review.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:41]:
You can leave a review on Amazon Podcasts. You can do both the star rating, and you can write in a review because the reviews help other listeners know which voices to trust. And there’s a lot of voices in the infidelity space. And what I found when I was going through it is there’s a lot of cynics out there, and it didn’t help. It just didn’t help. Yes. I needed things to be realistic, but I didn’t need bitterness. I didn’t need cynicism.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:12]:
I didn’t need a bunch of people bringing me down when I was already on the floor. It was all I could do to bring myself up. I needed some clarity, and I needed some support, and I needed some positive interaction. I didn’t need people telling me how much worse it was gonna get. So pretty please subscribe and leave a review for this podcast so others can find it and we can share the love. Number 2, I would really love it if you reach out. It’s always fun when people reach out. It’s always fun when they share their story, whether it’s hopping on a free Zoom call with me.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:55]:
I offer everybody a free 15, 20 minute Zoom call. Whether it’s just shooting me an email, talk to me. Share your story. Let me know what else you need. I find guests and I create the show to serve your needs. So what are your needs? Let me know what your needs are, and then I can find somebody who can help you address them, or I can do a show addressing those needs, or I can send you the link to a show that I did do in the past because I’ve had this show for many years. So reach out. Let me know how I can support you and what you most need so I can serve your needs.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:40]:
Okay. So with that, thank you for doing those two things, and let’s talk about how to survive being cheated on your healing strategy. Now I’ve got 5 steps to do this. And before we get into that, I want to acknowledge how painful it is for you to be going through this. I know for me, it was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me because it’s not just one moment of shock that then goes away. Learning that my husband had cheated on me for 15 years with 5 different women disrupted my entire view of my marriage, my kids’ childhood, all of our vacations and anniversaries. It disrupted my view of who I was. If I was attractive, if I was worthy, if I was good enough.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:48]:
I worried about what other people would think. It disrupted everything. It’s not just like, woah. I had this horrible shock, and then I got over it. You don’t just get over infidelity. Anybody who tells you to just get over it doesn’t get it because infidelity is not something you just get over. Infidelity is something that impacts you on every single level, body, mind, spirit. It disrupts your past.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:17]:
It disrupts your present. It disrupts your future. It is huge. And what I’m saying, you’re not gonna just get over it. I’m not saying you’re never going to heal. You absolutely will heal if you do these steps. But what I am saying, it’s not something you can just be like, breathe in, breathe out, and let it go. Yay.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:35]:
It’s all good. It’s not that easy. It is too impactful. So however you feel now, whether it’s very early or it happened years ago, I wanna honor you. You’ve been holding onto a lot, a lot, and this is not easy, and it is not fun. And you don’t have to feel broken forever. Here’s how you survive. Number 1.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:08]:
The very first thing you need to do if you’re going to survive being cheated on, if you’re going to survive your partner’s affair, is to fall apart. And that might not be what you expected me to say, but the very first thing to do is to fall apart and to feel your pain. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. And here’s what I wanna say. I don’t get very religious on us often because I tend to be very more spiritual than traditionally religious, but I want you to think about the journey of Jesus. Whether you believe it literally or figuratively, think about what that journey was and how we memorialize that journey. How we talk about the journey of the crucifixion. We don’t just say, oh, get over it.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:03]:
He rose 3 days later and it’s super awesome. Just ignore the whole crucifixion thing because good things happened. You can’t ignore the journey. You can’t ignore the bat. Yay. We had a resurrection. Woo hoo hoo. All good.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:18]:
Doesn’t negate the fact that there was a freaking crucifixion, and that’s a really bad thing. Again, whether you believe it literally or symbolically, I don’t care. I’m just telling you this in terms of, like, allegory and story. Any story that’s out there, any journey in history, when it turns out okay, we don’t just wipe it away. We don’t say, oh, yay. The holocaust is over. We don’t talk about it again. We don’t say, oh, yay.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:47]:
The Challenger space shuttle, you know, it exploded, but we got many successful things. It’s all fine. Just ignore it. We don’t ignore the bad stuff. It’s not healthy to ignore the bad stuff. We need to grieve the bad stuff. We need to process. We need to memorialize it.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:04]:
We need to talk about it. We need to talk about how hideous it was, about how horrendous it was. We need to feel all of our feelings. What you don’t want is to get locked in those feelings. You don’t wanna stay stuck in those feelings. Guess how people tend to get locked into feelings? Because they’ve ignored them. When you cover up the feelings and pretend that they don’t exist and when you try to bypass over it, be like, but it was all good. Resurrection, it’s all good.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:38]:
That’s when you get trapped in your feelings. So grieve them. Cry, scream, run, push really heavy weights, write nasty vile letters, and burn them. Call people. Cry. Take photos if you still have photos. Do all of the things. Go to a thrift store and buy some things to smash and break.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:08]:
Wear goggles, please. But do all the things that you need to do to get those feelings out and to feel them fully. Rage. Feel those feelings. Now I just recently did a couple of shows on anger. It’s not about attacking other people. It’s not about calling your partner and screaming at them. It’s not about going over to the affair partner’s house and slashing tires and breaking windows.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:39]:
It’s about you releasing the energy that is that anger in a way that doesn’t impact others, but that it gets it out of your body. And you know what? For you, it might not be anger. It might be grief. It might be collapse. It might be crumpled in. Doesn’t matter. That is step number 1. Feel whatever it is you’re feeling.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:59]:
And you know what? You’re gonna feel crazy. I just wanna name that. You are going to feel crazy. You’re supposed to feel crazy. Nobody can have their entire life and identity turned upside down, and they don’t feel crazy. Again, going back to my, like, whole story of the crucifixion and the resurrection, we don’t go, oh, yeah. That was really bizarre. We have to acknowledge it.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:22]:
We have to feel it. And if you’re going through a bad time, you’re going to feel crazy, and you’re gonna question your reality. Question away. Let it out and fall apart. The other reason people tend to get stuck in those bad feelings is first by covering them up and pretending that they don’t exist. But the second reason is because they don’t get help. And that is step number 2. Get help.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:52]:
I’m standing. I’m climbing up on a soapbox. Go get help. I’m climbing to the top of a mountain, and I’m calling out, go get help. Go get help. Let me tell you a little story. The story is why getting help was the hardest thing Lora ever did. Why getting help is the hardest thing you were going to do, and if you’ve got a partner who’s like, yeah.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:23]:
I’m not getting help, or I don’t wanna do this, have them listen to this part of the show because it’s gonna reframe their understanding on getting help. So this story is for me, this story is for you, and this story is for your partner. I feel like I am the kind of person who always really tried hard in life. You might know I practiced law for 10 years, then I quit work. I stayed home with my kids so my husband could really lean full force into his career. And because wellness was a big thing for me, I started a part time wellness coaching practice. I did yoga. I did personal training.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:12]:
I taught fitness class. I did energy work, and I did intuitive readings for people. And it was an amazing part time mom career. And I thought it was really wonderful because it allowed me to explore what I thought was, like, my greatness. I could always work on myself. I could always meditate and learn more. I could always, It was so such self development focused. And I’m like, this is amazing.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:40]:
I’m just getting better and better, and I am so good. And And it’s not that I was an egotistical crazy person, but it really allowed me to lean into that illusion of perfection. I was always working out, so, yay, my body was pretty good. I was doing health things, so, yay, I was very self reflective and self aware. I had time to take care of things at home because I wasn’t for working full time. Yes. I was a stressed out mess a lot of the time. But, again, it allowed me to lean into that illusion that, yes, I can show up for the kids.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:15]:
I can volunteer. I can do all of these different things. And I was proud of myself. I was really proud of myself for doing good. I was really proud of myself. My husband traveled a lot, so I felt like I kind of was a single mom in a lot of ways because literally, he would travel, like, 2 weeks out of every month. So I worked hard, but it was really proud of me. I was really proud of the way that I pulled everything together.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:41]:
And I was proud of him because his career could flourish, and we could do all these great things. So fast forward to finding out about his infidelity. I found out after 23 years of marriage that he had cheated for 15 years. 15 years. Oh my gosh. What are people gonna think? Again, not in a crazy egotistical way, but holy cow. People think we’re a pulled together family. People think we’re normal.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:18]:
People are always telling me, oh, you’re such a good mom and you’re so sweet, and your body is so great, and you and your husband are so fun. And I bet you have a great life, and I thought we did. I thought we did. I thought we were great friends. I thought we had a ton in common. We did great vacations. We did great family activities. Like, this totally breaks my view of my family.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:45]:
This breaks my view of myself. This breaks my view of our entire experience. And in my mind, crazy people on Jerry Springer had affairs. In my mind, affairs were like trashy people following people around, you know, putting having private when somebody cheated. Or this is another one too. That, like, the woman when somebody cheated. Or this is another one too. That, like, the woman is totally obsessed with the kids, and she’s totally lost touch with her body, and she doesn’t do anything.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:24]:
Her poor husband just serves them all the time, and she never pays him any attention. And the poor guy, or she nags him all the time. Nobody could stand her. How could he live with her? Of course, he had to cheat. Like, all of these images in my head, all of these narratives about what it meant. In particular, what it meant about me and my family if suddenly my partner had an affair. And I was like, oh my lord. I can’t get help.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:00]:
I can’t talk to anybody about this because it’s ridiculous. Because nobody will believe me because I don’t wanna be the psycho crazy person. Why would I get help? Nobody can help me. I’m smart. I can figure this out. My situation must be an anomaly. What’s going on with me has to be different than everybody else. That was my mindset.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:29]:
Let me tell you, it’s not an anomaly. Let me tell you, 99% of the women that I work with feel that same way or very similar. They’re like, how could this happen in my life? I’m not the kind of person that ever thought this would happen in my life. It’s like, yeah. You know what they all say too? I never thought my husband was the type. Nope. That’s the thing. That’s the thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:56]:
That’s why it’s a betrayal. Because you don’t see it coming and because it doesn’t make sense. And because that energy is not in your life and in your marriage, that’s why it’s a betrayal. Otherwise, you’re not blindsided. Otherwise, you’re like, yep. I could’ve seen it coming a mile away. We were unhappy. He was checking out other women.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:16]:
That’s why it’s a betrayal. So I didn’t wanna get help because I thought my situation was very unique. And then here’s the other reason, and this is what I want you and your partner to hear too. Big gulp before I say this. Big old gulp. Once you seek help, it means you’re admitting to something, which means you’re making it real, which means you can’t pretend it doesn’t exist anymore. Did you feel that? Did you hear that? Once you call someone, once you email someone, once you set up an appointment, what you have done is you have just admitted something that you don’t want to admit. You have brought it out into the light and been like, bam.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:22]:
Here it is. I haven’t wanted to admit to it because if I admit to it, it means it’s real. And then I have to figure it out. I can’t ignore it. I can’t cover it up. I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Oh, I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready for that.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:53]:
Whether it’s domestic violence, whether it’s alcoholism, gambling addiction, porn addiction, any of these things, sexual assault, sexual abuse, once we admit that it’s there, which is the scariest thing in the world, it gets better. It doesn’t feel like it right away because we’re not typically prepared. We don’t usually just go running and be like, let me admit all of this to you. We usually have that panic reaction that I have to cover. I have to armor up. I have to hide. We’ve gotta bury it deeper. Shh.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:37]:
It’s not gonna come out of the box. Not gonna talk about this one. Too many feelings, too much pain, and I don’t know what to do about it. What I want to promise you is this. A, if you admit it to somebody, it takes a huge, huge burden off your shoulders. Huge. Because you’re not holding the secret. You’re not pressing the lid down, trying to contain something that shouldn’t be contained.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:10]:
And, also, it’s really not even your secret in a lot of ways. You were victimized. But, yeah, people who are victimized don’t wanna talk about it because there’s this thing called victim blaming. And worse, we victim blame ourselves. So, well, like I said, a, when you admit it, it takes this huge weight off your shoulders. It feels threatening. You will have a resistance. You will have resistance.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:37]:
But then once you speak those words, you feel this enormous relief followed by this oh, poop response. And now I have to do something, and I don’t know what to do. And what I wanna say to you is you don’t have to know. You don’t have to know. What are the things that I do in my coaching program? And I’m gonna walk you through that today so you get a huge bonus here. My rise and reign coaching program is 6 months. Why is it 6 months? Because it takes time for you to learn what to do, develop the skills and strategies, but to assimilate it inside. That’s the biggest piece is to assimilate inside.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:33]:
Okay. This is what I need to do. Most people can’t just fall out of love in an instant. They can’t just disrupt their entire life and make a decision in an instant. We fall in love over time. We fall out of love over time. We have to whether it’s moving or getting a job or having kids or we have to move into things gently. We don’t wanna give ourselves whiplash by being like, and whoo.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:06]:
I was totally in love, and I was in a connected partnership on Monday. And then on Tuesday, it’s all different, and I’m out of here. It takes time. It takes time for the reality of our situation to catch up, and you do not need to decide anything right now. That’s why I do this over 6 months. We talk about everything over 6 months, and you start assimilating pieces. And you don’t have to do that part in a linear fashion either. Like, if you were the betraying partner and you’re listening to this, you might be like, I don’t even know.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:40]:
I have to make amends. I have to deal with my own stress and anxiety and getting rid of this affair fog and maybe cutting things off with the affair partner. I have to clean up damage with my kids, making amends with my spouse. I’ve got some addiction things going on. I think maybe I need to address that. I’ve got some trauma, some childhood trauma. I’ve got some poor coping skills. I’ve got self esteem.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:05]:
I’ve got some depression. And, oh my gosh, I’m trying to work at the same time. Of course, that’s too much. Nobody can fix all that in a day, in a week, in a month. Give yourself time. Can you tackle that in 6 months? That’s much more reasonable. Can you tackle that in a year? That’s much more reasonable. What I like to do in the 6 months that we are together is get that strategy laid out.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:35]:
Okay. Where do we start? We might start with the fact that, you know what? You need to keep your job. We might start with the fact that, okay, no contact with the affair partner. You might need to do some work on grieving that loss because that’s something that people have to do too. Then you might have to worry about making some amends with your family. Then you might have to start facing some of this childhood trauma and figuring out your reasons why. Then maybe we’ll start looking at some of the addiction things, not to go down the whole 12 step program yet, but just to explore some ideas. How does that sound? And you work that strategy slowly over time.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:20]:
So getting help is threatening, and it’s terrifying because people incorrectly assume that once they admit it, then they’re gonna have to do something tomorrow. And they’re not equipped and they’re not prepared and they’re not ready. Okay? When you admit it, yes, it brings them into the light. You realize, yeah, I have to do something. But that’s the point where you start bringing in what is the strategy. So if there is no other takeaway from this show, and there’s gonna be some great golden nuggets. But if there’s no other takeaway, what I want you to focus on is getting help. Getting help.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:01]:
Admitting to a qualified person. I’m not saying admit it to your neighbor or to your bunko partner. Admit it to a qualified professional. Whether you get a consultation with an attorney, whether you reach out to a marriage counselor, whether you reach out to me as an infidelity and betrayal recovery specialist and coach, or whether you reach out to some other kind of coach or energy worker or whatever it is, tell a qualified person. Tell them. Whether it’s a free 20 minute consultation, whether you have an appointment and you dump some stuff, just tell somebody. That is my number one takeaway. Number one takeaway, tell somebody.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:46]:
If you’re stuck for a counselor, I partner with BetterHelp. If you go to BetterHelp, the website, and use discount code FLAUNT!, FLAUNT!, FLAUNT!, you get a discount. I think it’s 10% off your 1st month. Get help. Get help and admit it. Because once you admit it, that’s when everything changes. Now as part of getting help, I wanna talk about the difference between strategy and tactics because they are very different things. Why does a fair recovery work for some people and it doesn’t work for other people? Two reasons.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:29]:
A fair recovery, if you’re going to build together as a couple, takes 2 people fully committed. So it’s not gonna work if you only have one person fully committed. If you’re both waffling and one of you is always strong when the other one is waffling, that can work because eventually you can get both people on the same page. But if one person is like, I’m out, they’re out. And, no, I don’t care how good somebody’s promise is. You cannot force another person to be in a marriage that they do not wanna be in, and you cannot make somebody else do something that you want them to do. So the reason a fair recovery works is 2 committed partners. You Don’t have to be committed at the same time, but you do have to have 2 people that hold the same vision.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:23]:
The second reason that a fair recovery does not work, and this is a big one, is because people use tactics, but not an overall strategy. Strategy is the map of how you are going to get there. What are you gonna do first? What are you gonna do second? What are you gonna do 3rd? What do you need to learn before you get to 4? What do you need to put together before you get to 5? It’s the strategy of how to do something. If you think about a recipe, what is the strategy? You can’t just take all the ingredients, dump them in a pan, and stick them in the oven. You have to measure things out. You might have to stir or blend. You need to know the temperature. You need to know what kind of pan.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:14]:
You need to know, are you baking? Are you greasing and flouring something? What are you doing? Strategy is how you put it together. You don’t take the frosting and do that first and bake the cake around it. You have to know the order, the order of operations. Remember remember math? Remember the order of operations? You don’t just randomly add a couple of different numbers and subtract a few different numbers and then multiply this over here. You have the order of operations. Things that are in parentheses get done first. Remember that when there’s, like, a little string of numbers? If there’s something in a parenthetical, you do that first, whether it’s multiplying those two numbers or adding those. There’s an order of operations that gives you the correct result.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:07]:
There is an order of operations in a fair recovery that gives you the correct result as well. How many people know that? Probably not many. How many people mess it up and then be like, this doesn’t work? Probably a lot. So aren’t you glad you’re listening to this show? Aren’t you glad you know the difference? Okay. That is strategy. Strategy is the order of operations. What do you do? How long do you do it? When do you know it’s done? And what is the next step? The tactic is that thing that you do. Here’s the here’s the thing.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:44]:
Counseling is a tactic. Therapy is a tactic. Energy work is a tactic. Coaching is a tactic. 12 step programs are a tactic. Reading a book is a tactic. Listening to podcasts is a tactic. Meditation is a tactic.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:58]:
Yoga is a tactic. Hiking together is a tactic. Couples retreats are tactics. Those are tactics. So many people come to me and they say, we’ve done it all. I’ve read all the books. I’ve read all the podcasts. We did a couple’s retreat.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:12]:
I did a woman’s retreat. He’s wonderful. You’re doing tactics. But what was your overall strategy? Why are you doing those tactics? In service of what? Therapy in service of what? Women’s retreats in service of what? 12 step programs in service of what? What is the overall strategy? Because unless you can tell me the strategy behind why you’re doing that, you’re just throwing money away. You’re just throwing money away. Women’s retreats are great ways for you to find connection, to purge your emotion, to have better understanding of yourself. Are those things you need? Sometimes people are like, well, sure. But what I really needed was to deal with with the trauma.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:07]:
Okay. Going to a women’s retreat is not going to help you deal with the trauma. Why do you wanna deal with the trauma? Oh, so I can better manage my triggers, and I won’t be triggered by my husband, and then we can have this conversation. Perfect. We need the strategy. In order to have the strategy, you need to start with the end in mind. What is my vision of myself and my marriage? What is my partner’s vision of himself and the marriage? When we come together, and this is our vision, we want to have fun together. We want to continue to raise our kids together and have grandkids together.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:47]:
We want to stay working in the same business together. We wanna be more open with each other. We want to have deeper conversations. We wanna absolutely learn how to communicate better. We want to share vulnerabilities. We wanna spend more quality time. We wanna understand each other’s love languages. What are all the things that you want to do? Once you know what it is that you want to do, then you reverse engineer it.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:11]:
What will get you there? What will make you a better communicator? Oh, maybe a communications course. Oh, maybe learning a Mago dialogue. Maybe reading this book, or taking some kind of an assessment. Then you find the tactic that works into your strategy that gives you what you need. Wonderful. If one of your goals in creating this kind of relationship you want is learning how to have better communication, now we have a tactic that can help that. One of the strategy one of the things that you will probably need in that strategy is how to understand why the affair happened in service of it not happening again. Unless you understand why the affair happened, it’s gonna happen again.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:04]:
Great. Let’s find a tactic that can help us understand why that happened. Trauma therapy might be really, really good for that one. Does that make sense? The strategy are the steps that you take to get to your goal. Somebody explained it to me in terms of Lego bricks or even regular bricks. You can have this huge pile of Lego bricks. Each little brick is a tactic. But unless you have the directions, you can’t build the Lego death star because you’re just putting them together in random pieces.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:42]:
And sometimes you’ll get something that looks sort of like the LEGO death star, but you need the strategy. Build this first, then build that second. Same thing like in terms of building a regular house. If you’re going to build the house, you need the blueprint. You need the strategy. You can’t put up electrical first and then do plumbing second and then do the ceiling 3rd and the walls 4th and the floor 5th and then, oh, wait. How are we gonna dig this foundation? Order of operations. You’ve got to figure out, we dig the foundation first.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:20]:
We put up the little 2 by fours and we frame it next. We can put in the plumbing and the electricity while the walls are open. Strategy and tactics. If it is not working for you and if you are frustrated because you’ve done all the things, you probably have done all the things. But you were missing the strategy, and maybe you used the wrong tactics that will get you there. So, again, I hope you listen to this part. I want you to share this part with your betraying partner too. Because what I know from every single betraying partner is they wanna feel better too.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:06]:
They don’t wanna feel shame. They don’t wanna feel pain. They want help too, but, oh my gosh, is it terrifying to admit? Because if they admit, if they get help, it means they have to admit that they did this, that they’re still doing this, that they’re not sure what they want, that they are sure what they want, but they don’t know how to get there. And they’re embarrassed because men don’t ask for directions because they have been acculturated to believe that they should know how to get there. Nobody knows how to get there. Asking for directions is hard. Getting help is hard. I know as a former perfectionist who really thought I was doing everything right, it was really hard to ask for help.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:01]:
In fact, let me tell you. I reached out to a couple places online and then was like, oop. Not gonna listen. Unsubscribe because it terrified me. And then the day that I had reached out to a couple’s retreat, they said that we were supposed to have a couple’s call. I came a little bit unhinged before the couple’s call. Palms were sweating. I thought I might vomit.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:27]:
I didn’t want to admit any of this. I didn’t even wanna sit there on a call with another human being and be like, yeah. My partner cheated on me, and I didn’t have any clue. I was just in my own happy little la la land. That was a bad day. That was hard. I told this story online too. Even though after that call, I felt much better, and they ended up saying, why don’t you come to this retreat we’ve got? My first reaction was, can we just do it privately? I would rather pay you more and have a private one on one session with you all than to show up at a couple’s retreat and sit in the room with what I still thought would be all of these trashy losers.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:14]:
Shows you how little I knew. Right? Shows you how little I knew because I still thought I was special. I still thought our situation was different. Spoiler alert. It was not. Spoiler alert. Yours is not either. So we had a call with them.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:39]:
I thought, yeah. This I think this can help, and we signed up for the couple’s retreat. And we packed, and we got someone to watch our animals, and the kids were away at school, and everything was taken care of. And on the way to the airport, I had a complete and total crying meltdown, and I almost refused to go. I almost refused to go. Even though we paid, we had our plane tickets and we were on our way. I almost refused to go. And even at the hotel, I was like, I don’t even know if I can walk downstairs and go in the room.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:19]:
And my husband’s like, that’s okay. You do you. But we’ll be there. You can just turn this into a vacation even if you don’t show up. I’m like, fine. Walking into that room was also mortifying mortifying. That whole first day was really tough. There were many moments where I did relax, but there were also many moments where my guard was up so high and that wall was so thick because I didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t want to admit what had happened.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:03]:
And my promise to you is that it will only get better once you admit and once you get help. Sometimes the best thing we can do is truly to lean in to our fears. Because when we lean out, they only get bigger and scarier. And if I would have run away from that first phone call, I probably wouldn’t have reached out again. I probably wouldn’t have sought coaching. I probably wouldn’t have sought therapy. If I would have turned around and not shown up at that retreat, then I would have been mortified that I signed up and didn’t show up, and then I wouldn’t have gotten help, and it would have made it worse. So I can promise you that when you reach out, it will get better.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:53]:
It might get better in a different way than you think, but getting help will help you. And it’s hard. And I want to validate that it’s hard to get help. And if that’s you, if I’m talking to you right now, I really do encourage you to reach out to me because I know I’m nice to you. Because I know that pain and I know that fear. And if it’s not me, reach out to somebody else that you trust. And they will be nice to you too, but it will get better. I can promise you that.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:33]:
Okay. Number 3. Focus on taking care of yourself. What I tell my clients is what I’m gonna tell you. Take care of your peace of mind. You can’t take care of what anybody else does. You can’t take care of what anybody else feels or believes. You can’t even necessarily take care of your own happiness and satisfaction in future right now in this moment.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:06]:
But in every single moment, you can always take care of your own peace of mind. So write that down. I take care of my peace of mind. And in every single moment, take care of your peace of mind. And when that becomes your only focus, it clarifies things. You have felt your pain. You’ve gotten help. You understand strategy versus tactics, and you’re taking care of your peace of mind.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:34]:
What will help your peace of mind in this moment? Will having a boundary make you feel better? Will reaching out for connection make you feel better? Will having a glass of wine and sitting on your patio and just breathing for 5 minutes will make you feel better? Will running up a hill make you feel better? Do whatever it is that makes you feel better. And when your focus is not on this big glorious self care, but on what can I do right now to take care of my peace of mind, things get better quickly? Number 4. We’re rolling along here. Number 4 is move. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how coordinated you are. I don’t care if you’re an athlete. I don’t care what you are.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:25]:
Move. I don’t care if you can’t stand up. Move your arms. Move your head. Move your fingers. Circle your ankles. Move your body. Here’s something that I want you to do.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:39]:
Move your body right now. If you’re driving, wiggle your shoulders. Do something and move your body and just feel the freshness that that brings in. We are bodies. We are minds, and we are spirits. When we are in our mind, we’re usually either on the past, he did this to me, or in the future, what am I gonna do in the few in the future? What if he cheats again? What happens with this? When you’re moving your body, your body moves in the present. Move it. Breathe with it.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:09]:
Feel it. Hug yourself. Touch your legs, put on hand lotion, scratch, tickle, run your hands through your hair, get into your body, and feel your body. It makes you a whole being, and it makes you in the present. And it helps you answer the question, what can I do to bring peace of mind right now? Touch your mind. Touch your head. Breathe and move that body. We get sick, and we get filled with pain when we hold a motion in.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:51]:
You do not need to hold a motion in. Move it. Breathe it. On YouTube, I have many somatic processing videos. Somatics just means embodiment. I have got videos on how to move. Anybody can do it. It’s intuitive to you.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:09]:
We all move differently. But it gets us into the present moment because when do we move? We move in the present. It gets us into our body, and it incorporates all the wisdom of the body, and it alleviates tension. If you think about static electricity and it’s building up, you’re moving that energy. You’re moving it out of your body. I’ve got a gazillion videos on that. My $200 90 day program is called Affair Recovery. If you go to Affair Recovery For Women dotcom, it’s the first of my 3 programs.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:48]:
After the affair, get it right there. It’s 90 days of meditation, of movement, and of journaling. That program has a guarantee. I guarantee you will not have obsessive thoughts if you do everything in that. I guarantee you will make better decisions because you will be in your body and in the present moment. Free stuff on YouTube, 200 and I think it’s $208, something like that online, but move your body. That is step number 4. And then the very last step, step number 5, is connect.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:30]:
Connect with other humans. Belonging is a human need. We don’t just want to belong. We don’t just want to be popular. Belonging is a human freaking need. We need to be a part of a community. We need to be a part of a sisterhood. We need to connect.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:54]:
So if you have a great group, utilize them. Whether it’s friends, whether it’s family, whether it’s church, whether it’s pickleball, whether it’s bunker, whether it’s a book club, connect with people, lean in to people. I’m not saying you have to share everything that’s going on with them, but connect to people. Belonging is an essential human need, and finding out that somebody has betrayed you disrupts your sense of connection because the person you thought you were most bonded to, boom, all of a sudden you find out you’re not. So reach out and connect with people. Social media is also a way to connect. It’s not the absolute best. I really think 1 on 1 is healthier.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:44]:
But I also understand when your eyes are swollen because you’ve been crying for 6 months and you’ve either gained or lost weight and you don’t feel pretty at all, sometimes the idea of being like, yeah. I’m gonna get dressed and go to a book club feels overwhelming. There’s book clubs online book clubs online. There are quilting things online. There are all sorts of things online. My Facebook group is a great place to connect. I am starting I’m so proud of me. I am starting a monthly meetup connect.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:20]:
On 13th of every month, we’re gonna get together. We’re gonna connect. We’re gonna do a workshop. I’m gonna have guest experts. It’s gonna be a great place for connection. So if you have nothing else, show up there. Even if you have a lot else, show up there. But I still want to encourage you to find real people in real life.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:43]:
Go eat at a restaurant by yourself just to be in the presence of people. Go work at a coffee shop. Get a day pass at a coworking space even if you don’t have work to do just to go be with people. Check out things at your library, at your rec center. Volunteer in your community. Go up to the school, see if they need somebody to read with kids or sort books in the library or do something, but just connect with people. Connection is truly essential. Volunteer.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:19]:
Oh my gosh. So many places you can volunteer. Not only will you start feeling good because you’re doing something good, but you’re connecting with humans. Especially after COVID, we’ve really lost touch with that. And when you’re hurting, especially connection is essential. So that’s a wrap on how to survive being cheated on your healing strategy. Step 1, fall apart. Step 2, get help and understand the difference between strategy and tactics.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:57]:
Step 3, focus on taking care of yourself specifically. Don’t disrupt your peace of mind in the moment. Step 4, move your body. Hop on YouTube, check out my videos, turn on some music and dance, or do my 90 day program. It’s gonna help you. Plus, you’ll get in better shape, and who doesn’t want that? And step 5, connect. Connect with other humans. Move into that sense of belonging.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:27]:
Volunteering, support groups, whatever it is, volunteer with the animals. That’s that’s a sense of belonging. Do what you can to connect. Have a fantastic week. Reach out. Remember, rate and review this podcast. Rate and review this podcast. Reach out to me.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:52]:
Free 20 minute Zoom call. I’d love to work with you. I’m not pressure you to work with me. Let’s just talk. Let’s just be real. I’ve been through this too, and it was horrible, and I’m on the other side. So let’s talk. If it seems like a good fit, we’re gonna keep talking, and it’s gonna be amazing.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:11]:
But if not, we still talk, and you still have gotten the benefit of reaching out, admitting, getting help, and human connection. So with that, have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.