How do you find balance and equilibrium after the rug has been pulled out from under you? Like a teeter totter, what goes down, must come up. This episode explores three practices for finding your footing again after infidelity, betrayal, or any kind of disappointment.
Top take-a-ways
- Find balance between grief and positivity. Grieving is a normal process that allows negativity to leave your body and keeps you healthy and happy for the long run. Although it can be uncomfortable, learning how to grieve is vital to our wellbeing. Counting your blessings reminds you that grief is not permanent and that there are many other parts of your life that are still going well.
- Alternate between taking control and letting it go. When we feel victimized, it’s healthy for us to take control of something and reestablish us as a powerful force in our own lives. But it’s also important to practice the art of letting it go, and learning to release the illusion of control.
- Understand the tendency to glorify or catastrophize what “might have been.” No situation is all good or all bad. When we don’t get what we want, we have a tendency to either glorify or catastrophize what we think it “should” have been. Remind yourself to be rational! Even if you had gotten what you wanted, it would have been neither all good or all bad.
Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.
About Lora:
Author, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle help women rebuild their identity and self-worth so they can find the courage to claim what’s possible on the other side of betrayal.
Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT
Transcript
Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidel or betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self-worth, helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love, and flourish, tune in weekly, and learn how.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:
Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT, create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle. I’m an attorney and a betrayal recovery coach. And I work with women who have been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to use that devastation as an invitation to reclaim their identity, to rebuild their self worth, and to step back fully into their power so they can go forward and create exactly the kind of life that they deserve going forward.
You see, I believe the betrayal uncovers the truth. Betrayal uncovers the truth, of all of those things inside of us that we don’t really want to see. that we don’t really want to admit to. And until we’re confronted with a situation like, oh, infidelity that forces us to stop, look inside and really finally start dealing with. all of those things that we have always been too busy or too distracted to deal with. If you’d like to learn more, if you would like to download your copy, of my sparkle after betrayal recovery guide, then go to www.betrayalrecoverycoach.com and download your free Sparkle after betrayal recovery guide.
The guide is going to give you 3 simple things that you can do to start getting honest, getting clear, and taking steps towards creating exactly the kind of future that you want. and that you deserve. Today’s show is an important show. We are going to talk about what to do when you don’t get what you want. What to do when you don’t get what you want. There’s so much hype out there, and Believe me, I love a lot of the hype about manifesting and, you know, creating exactly what you want. And, yeah, I’m talking about that too because post betrayal is the perfect time to actually start rebuilding your life and your identity and self worth and all of that. But there’s also a lot of hype out there about just do it and about being courageous and strong and leaning in, and we can do these really hard things. And it’s like, yes. And, yes, we’re in control of our lives.
Yes. We can cocreate. We can manifest We can do all that. And and that’s the and that I wanna talk about today. There’s times when we just can’t get what we want. There’s times where something shuts us down, and it doesn’t matter. How hard we pray or manifest or work. It doesn’t matter if we talk to all the right people and do all the right things. It doesn’t turn out for us. And that’s a cold, hard slap in the face that is not a lot of fun. But that’s what I wanna talk about today. I wanna talk about that reality that sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to or even the way that they should. I mean, think about your infidelity situation. even without knowing you, I can guess that this is not something that you anticipated, or planned or deserved. Things just happen sometimes. and there’s nothing we can do to change that. So that’s what we’re gonna talk about today is what to do, what to do. when things don’t turn out.
What to do when you maybe go to your spouse and say, I really wanna work things out, and they say, you know what? I’m just done. Or when you say, I am just done and they say, I’m not gonna let you go. we’re gonna talk about what to do. If you’ve been listening to this show for a while, if you know me and my coaching and my work, You know that I love looking at both sides of the issue. It’s probably because I was an attorney, and I practiced law for 10 years. But I always like looking at both sides of the issues. partially because it helps give me a fuller understanding about what’s really going on. but also because it allows me to process things more fully. And when we’re talking about not getting what we want, it’s important to process them fully.
So what I’m going to be giving you today is 3 simple things for you to think about when life is not turning out the way you anticipated and when you were not getting what you want. And for each of those three things, they’re going to be both sides of the coin, if that makes sense. So for instance, the first one The very first tip that I’m going to give you for how to deal when you can’t get what you want is to grieve. But on the other side of that grief coin is positivity in looking for the blessings. So that is that first step. The first step is finding the balance between grief and looking for the blessings.
Now why am I lumping these two things together and calling them both sides of the coin and talking about balance? Because What we wanna do in life is find equilibrium. What we need to do in life is find equilibrium so we feel good. So we’re resilient, so we’re courageous, so we feel confident, so we’re clear. When we have equilibrium, it’s okay when we get thrown off of balance because we know how to write ourselves again. If you think about the teeter totter, one side goes down, the other side goes up pretty soon it balances out. You might over correct, but pretty soon you find that equilibrium point in the middle. And that’s where I want you to be. When things don’t turn out the way you planned when you can’t get what you want. So whatever it is, let’s just say you really wanna work things out with your spouse and they say no way. You can’t get what you want. It crashes down on the one side.
Your job is not to stay in that pit. Your job is Also not to convince your spouse to come back and work things out and create this wonderful harmonious happy home, your job is to find a balance somewhere in the middle. to take that grief, to take that situation that you don’t want, and not to muscle through and make it your way. but to find equilibrium and balance so you can move ahead and enjoy your life. So eventually, you’ll be able to let it go and find peace, and you’ll be ready to welcome new things in your life and embrace different circumstances and situations in people. So that’s why when I’m talking about these 3 tips for each tip, I’m going to give you kind of the the opposite sides. So that first tip, grief. And on the other side of the coin, finding blessings. When things don’t turn out, the way you want. The very very first thing I want you to do is grieve. I don’t want you to move into false positivity. That is not helpful. I want you to grieve.
Grieving is a normal, natural, healthy process, and I don’t know how or where along the line, we started thinking that grief is not normal and natural and healthy. When something bad happens, humans grieve. holy cow animals grieve. If you’ve ever had pets and have had one pet, have to be put to sleep or pass away, your remaining animals go through a transition phase where they look and act like they’re in grief because they are grieving. If you’ve ever lost a person, or a job or anything. You too have grieved. And you’re supposed to grieve. Grieving is a process that allows you to feel negative emotions I get it. I get it. Nobody wants to feel negative emotions, but you need to. You need to feel those negative emotions, you need to allow them to come up and to flow through you. and that is why you grieve. Grieving allows the negativity, the sadness, the pain to move through you. Guess what happens if you don’t grieve? It gets stuck in you.
Guess what happens when negative emotions are stuck in you? Disease, discomfort, illness, injury. Grief needs to flow through you. You may be familiar with Louise Hayes book. You can heal your life. It’s an amazing book. Absolutely amazing book, and I’ve had my copy for years, and I refer to it all the time. And what that book is about is it’s about whenever you’re feeling something in your body, it’ll help you discern and figure out what is the emotion behind that thing that you are feeling. For instance, A few weeks ago, my husband said, I am banging my shins all the time. I’ve had, like, 6 shin injuries. And I never have shin injuries, and I have no idea what’s going on. And I was like, let’s pull up the Louise Haybook and let’s look up shin’s lower legs. Well, the emotion behind that is around moving forward. and stumbling blocks. And feeling like you’re blocked from moving forward. And here’s the thing. His dad passed away not too long ago, and he’s been waiting to be appointed executor of the estate. and all of these things are coming up, and he can’t do it until he gets appointed executor.
So that’s the perfect analogy. It’s like a stumbling I wanna do this, but I can’t boom. Roadblock. I can’t. I haven’t been officially appointed yet. Things manifest in our body that’s in our energy field. So first of all, pick up a copy of the book. It’s amazing. Get up get a paper copy of it because that way you can just pick it up and flip through, and that’s much easier than a digital copy. And you could start looking up if you’ve got pain in your neck, if you got if you’ve got pain in your elbow and just figuring it out. But moving forward, know that you need to grieve to get these emotions out so you don’t get in a place where you find yourself getting sick. or creating illness or disease in your body. So that’s that very first thing is to grieve. Now On the other side of the grief coin is blessings, counting your blessings, looking on the bright side, gratitude, positivity.
I said earlier that I don’t want you to move into gratitude and positivity too fast because there is nothing worse than false positivity. There is nothing worse than putting on a happy face and pretending that you don’t feel the emotions that you really feel. But these are two sides of the coin because you need to do both. Because if you only let yourself grieve, if you only think about how horrible it is that I’m in this situation that, oh my god. My spouse cheated on me. And now I have to get a divorce, and I wasn’t prepared for a divorce.
And now my kids are totally messed up, and my social circles are messed up. And I have to get a whole different job and my retirements messed up. If you’re only in that grief and pain, It’s easy to get sucked in. It’s easy to spiral down. So you need to balance your grieving with some conscious positivity. Notice I said conscious positivity as opposed to fake positivity. conscious positivity and fake positivity are totally different things, and let me explain. consciously being positive is being aware. I am in a really bad place right now.
My mental health is not good. I’ve taken a major hit. The rug has been completely pulled out from under me. Everything that I have worked for and strived for and sacrificed for is no longer a thing and I cannot pull it together. I am in a horrible place right now, and yet still, I am going to choose consciously to look around me and to notice some things that I’m thankful for. to notice some of the blessings in my life. I’m going to consciously choose to see that, you know what, it’s a beautiful day to day. I’m going to consciously choose to be thankful and aware. You know, I do have some good friends. I’m safe right now. In my home, I’m safe, in a shelter, I’m safe. in this hotel room wherever you’re at, I’m physically safe right now. I might not be tomorrow, but for right now, I’m safe. It’s consciously choosing to find some blessings.
You know? I’m still educated. I’m still a mom. I’m still a daughter. I’m still whatever it is. I can still read. I love my books. You know, my body is healthy, and I can go take a walk. because I’m fortunate enough to live in a place where the streets are safe or there’s nature nearby. It’s consciously choosing that positivity. grieving, and choosing positivity. It’s all part of the same bundle. It’s the same teeter totter. You can think about it as two sides of the same coin or two ends of the teeter totter. Grief on one side. conscious positivity on the other until you find your equilibrium. And why I like thinking about it in terms of a teeter totter is because I don’t care who you are or what’s going on, or how perfect your life is or isn’t, you’re gonna bounce.
Everybody has down days. Everybody throws pity parties. Everybody gets crazy positive and uber excited over things too. That’s normal. I coach women and men too, but mostly women. who have been betrayed by their intimate partner. What I do is I help them find equilibrium. I help them understand what happened. I help them get to the real story so they know beyond a shadow of a doubt what really was going on with their partner’s affair. what’s really going on with them and how to handle it and how to navigate going forward. I help them with communication. I help them with resources. I help them flow that grief through their body so they don’t get stuck and sick. I help them manage their obsessive thoughts. I help them navigate d days. I help them do all of these different things in service of equilibrium.
And so many women will say to me, but Lora Things were going really well, and on Tuesday, I fell apart. What is wrong with me? And I love it when people say that to me because then I can say nothing. You’re a human. I don’t care if you are you know, Oprah, the queen, pink, Beyonce. I don’t care who you are. You are going to have bad days. You are going to have trash can days, and it’s okay. As we work together, you will have fewer trash can days. But you will have the skills to pull yourself up when you do, and you will have that mental awareness that it is not the end of the world. and you will allow yourself to grieve, and you will get better at grieving.
Because that’s something else I really feel is important. to work with is teaching people how to grieve. Because our culture, we are so darn afraid of pain and grief. And we’re told to stuff it down and to put on a happy face and not to cry at work and don’t air your dirty laundry. and we have all of these messages about what not to do. But the reality is we’re emotional things, and our feelings are important. And it matters, and if we were all a little bit more honest with them, and if we all knew how to grieve, and we held space for other people, that’s okay.
You’re at work. Go to the bathroom and cry. Feel it. Just feel it. Go go take a walk and cry. It’s okay. We all do. If we were a little more open and honest, authentic, and vulnerable, and all of that, at the end of the day, we would be a healthier society. I really am willing to say we wouldn’t have the mental health crises that we have. If we taught our kids how to grieve. If we taught our kids also how to balance and find that equilibrium. You know, manic manic depressive. It’s it’s like clinical. Oh my god. They’re manic. Oh, they’re depressed.
Yes. there is the clinical people that have the manic, you know, depressive disorders. However, that’s a little bit of life. Isn’t life a little bit manic depressive? Things are really, really good, or things are really, really bad? And it’s not that we’re supposed to have only good days. We’re supposed to find balance.
We’re supposed to have our really good days and enjoy them because it feels good. And then we’re supposed to have our really, really bad days and know that it’s okay that we have those really, really bad days. that it doesn’t have to color everything else, you know, in that same vein. My husband and I are 6 years out, basically. And we still occasionally will have fights, really bad fights, really nasty things that where it’s like, oh my god. How did this blow up?
And it’s okay. And some of the training that I had to do for myself was reframing that in my mind that this doesn’t mean anything. The fact that we’ve worked really, really hard and repaired and pulled things back together does not make us immune from ever having problems. or ever getting really upset. It doesn’t mean it’s gonna take all that away. It means that We are normal to people living, experiencing a lot of tough stuff, and having misunderstandings, and both getting our feelings hurt and both getting angry and both doing things wrong. And then realizing what we need to do to make that repair.
Early on, I would launch into blah. This means he’s leaving. Blah. This means he’s not doing the work. Blah. This means it doesn’t mean anything. Grieving, having a fight, having a really, really bad day doesn’t mean anything. It just means that you’re grieving. It means that you had a fight. It means that you had a really bad day. And having a really good day doesn’t mean anything either. It means you had a really good day. It means you were really connected. Had a ton of fun. It means this is gonna be a core memory, and that’s awesome, enjoy it, and appreciate it. So that is my very, very first tip on how to find equilibrium, how to balance and get through when things are not turning out the way you wanted and when you just absolutely will not get and cannot get what you want.
The second teeter totter or the second coin that I wanna talk about is letting go. — versus controlling something. So, again, one side of the coin is just let go, and the other side of the coin is lean in and control of something. When you’re not getting what you want. When your partner is not interested in having a relationship and you’re interested in a relationship, when you’re interested in monogamy and your partner says, nope. I want an open relationship. Whatever it is. One of the best things you can do is understand that balance between letting go and finding control. Now I wanna talk a little bit about both. In our society, we are conditioned. to be self reliant, to fight for what we want, to just do it, to go for it.
And that is so awesome. because there’s a lot that we can do. And, again, just like we don’t talk about grief, just like we don’t train people to grief, We don’t talk about what happens when you don’t get your dream. What happens when you invest everything and you lose it? What happens when somebody is killed? What happens when you wanna have a baby? and you find that you can’t. What happens when you really wanna work things out in your partner moves in with their affair partner. What do you do? People say, well, just let it go. Yes. And we’ll talk about that next, but it’s also really important to find something that you can control.
It’s important to empower yourself to get yourself out of that victim’s stance that all this dump just happened to me and it is so unfair, and it is so unfair. and you were victimized. It’s important to find something that you can control and to exercise control over that. Now yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Controlling yourself. I get that. We talk about that. You can only control your reactions. You can only control your thoughts. You can only control all your choices. You can only blah blah blah blah blah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I’m talking about actually controlling something. That’s healthy. It’s really healthy to control something. Notice I’m not saying someone but something.
One of the things I talk about in my keynote is A time in my life. I was about thirty years old. I just had my second baby, so I had a newborn and a twenty two month old. I was working full time. My husband had gotten a job where he was required to travel, 2 weeks out of every month. I had a home that was new to us, but that needed a ton of work. I had a one year old yellow lab puppy that had more energy than you can ever even think about or imagine. And I had 3 of my four grandparents who were in some stage of dying. 1 had Alzheimer’s that was progressively getting worse and was in an Alzheimer’s facility. Down the hall, was his wife, my grandma, who had emphysema, who was also in the last stages of that. And my other grandpa on the other side was at the very end with lung cancer. So to say my life was out of control was a complete and total understatement. Tell me if this has ever happened to you.
My focus during that time, my obsession The thing that I thought about day night was the fact that my fingernails were awful that I never had time to give myself a manicure or paint my nails. And I would sit there at my desk sometime, and I would look at my hand, and I’d be like, oh, god. These are ugly nails. And then I’d go home, and it’d be bedtime. And I think I can’t even paint my nails because I’ve gotta change diapers, and it’s too tight. I’m too tired, and they’ll get messed up, messed up by the sheets, and and I would obsess about my nails. And then when it would be a weekend when I would actually break away and sometimes have a chance to paint them, It felt so good because I could paint them, and then I would look at the results, and they would be painted, and they’d be pretty. And I would have you know, pushed my cuticles back and put on hand lotion.
Now you might be thinking, okay, Lora. What do nails have to do with it? This is a show on infant. duality, and here’s what I’m gonna say. My nails had nothing to do with it. I have notoriously ugly nails. I don’t enjoy getting manicures. I don’t enjoy painting my nails. I use my nails as tools all the time, my hands are always a mess, and it’s never bothered me because my nails don’t matter to me. what was going on in my life at that time was that I had no control over anything. Nothing was turning out. And for some reason, my mind fixated on my nails is something that I could control, something that I could do I can file my nails, and then I would feel accomplished. I can paint my nails, and I would feel accomplished. It was me exercising control over something which was mentally healthy. It gave me something to grip onto.
When Before that, when I was taking the bar exam in California. Same thing, I felt like I was losing control. And all of a sudden, the night before the bar exam, I decided that nothing would do that I had to clean the copper bottoms of every single pot that I owned, and I needed to polish them perfectly. Now is that a good use of my time the night before the bar exam? Oh, holy cow no. That is a bad use of my time. But again, it’s my psyche. It’s my mind being like, Here is something you can control. You can control and complete this project. And, yeah, sure enough.
Once the bottom of my revereware copper pots were cleaned, I felt satisfied I had accomplished something. Something was within my control. So when I talk about controlling something, I want you to think back to times in your lives where maybe you’ve obsessed over cleaning the house or doing something just random where you’re like, why am I so obsessed about that? It’s not about the thing that’s about control, and it’s your mind desperately trying to get control over something so you can feel better so you can be mentally healthy. And even if your mind just hasn’t done that on its own, the way our minds sometimes do, What I want you to do is to find something that you can control. And I want you to do that, and I want you to consciously choose to do that.
For instance, Clean out one drawer. Oh, holy cow. Do not clean out your whole bedroom. Do not clean out the whole kitchen. Pick a drawer. One. One. Complete that project. If you want to send an email to somebody, send an email. If you want to go to the store and buy thank you cards and send them to a few people, do that. If you want to pull weeds in a garden patch, not the whole thing, but in a patch, do that. If you want to buy and repotted plant, do that. if you wanna clean the bathroom. Clean the bathroom. I want you to find something that you can control. Again, not a person. but something. You can control it.
And that’s something that I want you to affirm for yourself. I can control this. I can control whether or not I walk away from this drawer that I’m cleaning out. I can control whether or not this plant gets repotted. I can control whether or not this bathroom gets cleaned. Find something that you can control it, that you can control well and go. Control well it. It’s so good for your mind. And again, it’s that teeter totter balance. You’re like, yeah. even work out. You can control if you go to the gym or not. You can control if you pop in a workout DVD or download something on YouTube. Control it.
Now the other side of this control coin or this control teeter totter is letting it go. And just like every time you grieve, I want you to balance it with finding your blessings and binding that thing to be grateful for. Every time you control something, every time you’re like, yes. I painted my nails. Yes. I cleaned the bottom of my hands. Yes. I did whatever it is. I also want you to let something go. To literally breathe in, breathe out, and let it go. You’re probably saying, alright, Lora. That seems a little easier said than done. So let me give you some tips on letting it go.
First is asking yourself, can I control this? And pretty much a 100% of the time, the answer is no. I can’t control whether or not my spouse cheated. I can’t control whether or not my spouse wants to work things out. I can’t control what the courts decided in a divorce. I can’t control anything. Just having that recognition number one that you can’t control it. Helps.
Number 2. I want you to think the word Fear. f e a r, Fear. again, you’re probably saying, really, you’re telling me to let it go and you want me to think fear? Yes. I am. I want you to see the word fear in your mind’s eye is a capitalf, capitale, capitalaandcapitalr. Chances are you’ve heard this before, but It bears repeating. Fear is an acronym for false. Expectations. Appearing. Real. When you’re trying to let something go, the reason that you don’t want to let it go is there’s fear. There’s fear. Oh my gosh. I worked so hard, and things aren’t gonna turn out. And I can’t control this, and this is awful, false, expectations appearing real. So when I said the first thing is to ask yourself, can I control this? The answer is no.
Second thing is to think fear. What is that false expectation? Why do you want this in the first place? So if you’re wanting to work things out with your spouse, if you’re like, I really want this close, intimate, connected relationship, I really wanna keep our family together. I really want whatever it is that you want. What is the fear of not getting that? I’m afraid I’m never gonna find anybody. I’m afraid this is the best relationship. I ever could have had. I’m afraid of messing up my kids. I’m afraid — of having 2 households and not doing holidays with my kids. I’m afraid of the money. I’m afraid I’m too old. I’m afraid I’ll never get a good enough job. I’m afraid that I won’t be a good mom if I’m working full time. I’m afraid, list it. list at all. Everything that you list that you say that you’re afraid of is your expectation. Now I’m not asking or telling if that expectation is good or bad or right or wrong. But if you presume of that expectation is a false one. Just presume, I don’t want you to argue with yourself. This is not about arguing. This is about pinpointing the false expectations. and how they are appearing real. So say, your first expectation, your first thing that you’re afraid of, is I’m afraid of going back to work full time and being a bad mom. K. That’s your expectation. Your expectation is that. Good moms don’t work full time.
Okay. Let’s just say that’s false. That is the presumption that you have to start at. That’s false. So A false expectation appearing real means that you have made a value judgment around that expectation, and you don’t know if it’s true or not. In fact, you could be a better mom for working full time because finally, you’re happy and you’re fulfilled. and there’s no arguing going on in the home. And kids aren’t sensing tension and blah blah blah blah blah.
What is another expectation that you’ve got that the family is going to be broken? Okay. That is that fear. You’ve got a fear of having a broken family. Okay. We’ve got to presume now that it is a false expectation. and it is appearing real. And it just flips it on its head because if you can list that expectation and then turn it upside down, and all of a sudden realize just the opposite is true. Just the opposite is true. I’m not asking you to believe it in your heart. This is the step. This is the tool. This is the game. Name the expectation. And then, hey. What if everything you thought was actually not true? It’s turning it on its head, and it switches your mindset because then suddenly you get curious. Oh, wow. What if that is false? What if it is false? And it just allows you to let it go because you’re not attached to the outcome You’re not attached to. I’ve gotta do everything in my power to keep this relationship.
What if keeping this relationship was the worst thing you could do. What if having a faithful partner was the worst thing. And having a partner who was unfaithful was the best. Woah. Mind shift. Again, I’m not asking you to believe it. All I’m asking you to do is flip your expectations, flip your fears, on their head. False expectations appearing real fluid on its head, and that will just help you to let go. Because the truth of the matter is you don’t know. I don’t know none of us know. We just have to let go.
Letting go is letting go of the idea that we know. And that’s that third part of letting go. Is it letting realizing that it’s letting go of the idea that we know best? letting go of the idea that this should or should not happen. It’s not letting go of the person or the situation. It’s letting go of our belief that this is what we want. Letting go of our belief that this is good or bad or right or wrong. So that is that second step. 1st is grieving, Balanceded with finding your blessing.
The second is exerting control over something. to break yourself out of victim mode, balanced with letting go, which is just breathing in. Breathing out. Taking that thing that you fear, turning it on its head, and just starting with the presumption that, hey. It’s a false expectation appearing real and letting go of the idea that you know anything. Let go. because the truth of the matter is you can’t control it anyway. So I wanna drill down a little bit into this one because this is one that comes up so often with my coaching clients. They are doing everything in their power to, not all of them, but some. Let me start this over. The ones who want to stay with our partners are doing everything in their power to remedy the relationship, and sometimes their partner is just not interested. Sometimes their partner is just not willing or ready to face the music, to hold themselves accountable, to admit the truth, And they will often come to me, and they will say things like, well, what else can I do? Well, you can grieve. You can grieve, but this is really, really sad that your partner might not want the same thing that you want. You can count your blessings.
You can list all the great things that are going on within you in your life. 2nd, you can exert control over something. That’s what a lot of my coaching is. My coaching really helps you figure out how to control all yourself, your life, your circumstance. You can control your self development. You One of the things I do in my coaching is I give everybody access to these 32nd daily meditations. You can control if you listen to a 32nd daily meditation or not. I even say, I don’t care if you’re doing it while you’re brushing your teeth. or if you’re really, like, full Lotus position, I don’t care. Just listen to it. It’s just you exerting control over something and you proving to yourself that, yeah, I have dominion and control over myself.
And then you can also let it go. Let your partner’s behavior go. Maybe what they’re doing is right. Maybe what you’re doing is wrong. Just let it go. Have no plan and just see how things turn out because it’s about you finding that equilibrium. It’s about you being poised and ready for whatever happens. Now the 3rd teeter totter. The 3rd coin. that I wanna talk about is catastrophizing versus glorifying. When things aren’t turning out the way that we want, we have a tendency to either catastrophes or glorify. Oh my god. If I don’t get this one job, this is the best job, this is the best relationship, and we make something that it’s not. And I just want you to notice your tendency to think something is better than it is or worse than it is.
Let’s talk specifically about your cheating partner. I was very, very very, very, very angry and upset, obviously. When I found out that my husband of 23 years at the time had cheated on me for 15 freaking years with 5 women. My mind bounced back and forth between what an evil, horrible, sick, twisted, pervert it. awful human he was, where I could look back over everything that he ever did, and I would hone in on everything, and I have all these grievances against him. He was a narcissist. He was selfish. He was this. He was that. And I made him so awful. And then it get really, really sad. and I would clarify. It was the best relationship ever we had so much fun in. He’s so handsome, and I’m never gonna find somebody like that again, and this is just horrible and blah blah blah blah blah.
It’s about finding that equilibrium. Nobody is all good or all bad. No relationship is all good or all bad. Part of me would look back, and I’d be like, I had the perfect relationship. And they would then I would think, and I would get honest, well yeah. But — except the times when he was picking fights with me. Well yeah. But except the times. Yeah. But except the times, Nothing is all or nothing. Everything is a shade of gray. And when you are figuring out how to process not getting what you want, I want you again to lean into what is the glorification and what is a catastrophizing. of something. I’m not asking you not to do it. It’s normal to do it. Just like grief, you gotta do it.
But I’m just asking you to kind of be aware that you’re doing that, and I’m big into journaling. I always have my client’s journal. And one of the exercises that I have them journal is I want you to write both sides of this narrative. I want you to write about how amazing your partner was. And on a different day, I want you to write about what a demon they were. and I want you to just get that out of you. And then someday, read both of those back to back and see how the same thing can be interpreted so many different ways, and it will bring balance. And then I want you to do that for yourself. Right about all the great things. and then write about all the awful things.
You don’t have to show anybody, but just write about it so you can kind of see and find that point of balance. You know, when I started this, I talked about as a lawyer, I’m always I was trained to argue both sides. I was trained to see both sides of everything. So I could objectively balance and find the truth because being a lawyer is all about the pursuit of justice. The pursuit of truth. In realizing that in every situation, we can only see it from our point of view when the truth is somewhere in the middle. And one of the things that I’m always doing with people is trying to get them to see something from the other person’s point of view. not to excuse the behavior, but to give you the opportunity to understand and to really process and to see what was going on.
And sometimes people get really uncomfortable with that. And when people get really uncomfortable with that, one of the things that I tell them is that’s okay. Let’s take a break. At some point, you’ll be ready to do that. At some point, you’ll be ready to do that. But if you were a lawyer and you were being paid to argue their case, If you were being paid, if your career depended on it, what would you do? What would you say? And without fail, when people actually get around to doing that, they feel better. Just because it breeds understanding. And I really don’t think we can ever find forgiveness until we have true understanding of what’s going on. And we can’t have a true understanding of what’s going on while we’re still in that activated state of panic that, oh my god. I didn’t get what I want, and this is horrible and awful.
So what to do when you can’t get what you want? When you didn’t get the job or the person or the relationship or the child or the house or the whatever it is. What do you do? You seek equilibrium? How do you seek equilibrium by finding balance between the two extremes? The first point of equilibrium is between grief and counting your blessings.
The second point of equilibrium is between exerting control over something. and letting it go. Letting go of the idea that you know. And then the 3rd Point of equilibrium. is balancing in your mind. Why this thing that you wanted was the best thing in the world? And why this thing that you wanted was the absolute worst thing in the world? Because the truth of the matter is nothing is wholly good, nothing is wholly bad. The truth of the matter is We don’t know when we need to let go of our notion that we do. So imagine those 3 teeter totters in your head.
See how they go up and down. See how they find that balance point in the middle, and strive to find that balance, that equilibrium within yourself. Every single time, something happens where you feel like this isn’t what I want, and I’m not getting what I want, and I am being shut down. Again, before we go, I want to remind you, go to betrayalrecoverycoach.com. When you put in your name and your email, you will be able to download my Sparkle after betrayal recovery guide. And you’re really, really gonna want it. It’s just three basic tips that’s gonna help you come home to yourself. that’s gonna help you find that equilibrium and that balance within you.
So whether it’s something right now, that’s got you off balance, off kilter, or something that comes up in the future, you will always have that resource. And you will be able to learn those skills, practice those skills, and you learn, keep those skills in your back pocket. Not only now, but for the rest of your life. When you go to betrayal recovery coach, And you download this guide, you will also be put on my newsletter list that, of course, like any newsletter on the plan that you can opt out of. But you’re not gonna want to, and here’s why.
The 1st 5 days, You are going to get 5 daily emails, and then you’ll hear from me, like, once every couple of weeks, not a big deal. But those 1st 5 days, you’re gonna get some really good tips, tricks, insights that’s gonna help you again, whether it’s right now, or in the future, you’re building your arsenal. You’re building your tools, and you are going to absolutely want those going forward. Thank you for being with me. I hope this has been useful on how to find that equilibrium, how to find your balance when you’re not getting what you want.
Have an amazing week. Remember to go to betrayal recoverycoach.com, download your guide, have an incredible week, and always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:15]:
This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all time, and for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus. Better help is here to help you. Better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience.
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Narrator [00:56:32]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. With radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST, unsindicated Dreamvision 7 radio network. develop naked self-worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth.com.