How Your Cheating Partner Really Changed? Here are some key indicators of growth: How do you know your partner won’t cheat again? In this episode, we dive into what causes infidelity, and how to determine if your partner has changed. Next, we take some time for a little coaching and self-reflection, moving into what’s possible for you after infidelity. Through personal growth, embodying the best version of yourself, and recognizing your partner’s strides in emotional maturity and self-awareness, together, you can navigate the tumultuous path of healing. Remember, it’s about consistent, observable changes and supporting each other’s self-care and emotional expressions.
Top Three Takeaways:
- How to Identify Genuine Change in a Partner: Growth is seen in consistent, small shifts—like improved emotional regulation, self-reflection, and the adoption of healthier coping mechanisms. Keeping track of past behaviors versus current progress is vital.
- Preventing Repeat Betrayal: While there are no guarantees, fostering emotional awareness and equipping partners with effective tools like therapy, communication, and mindfulness reduces the likelihood of relapse into maladaptive behaviors.
- Empowering Personal Transformation: Healing from betrayal is not about blame but about leveraging the experience as a catalyst for personal growth. Reflecting on what you want to stop, start, and become helps you rise into the highest version of yourself, reclaiming your life with strength and clarity.
Four Coaching Questions to Ask Yourself: (You must listen for more details on these questions!)
- What do I want to stop?
- What do I want to start?
- Who do I want to become?
- How do I want to feel and show up?
This podcast explores the complex journey of healing and transformation following betrayal, focusing on both partners’ roles in rebuilding trust and evolving into their best selves.
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Lora’s mission is to facilitate deep healing on energetic, soul, and ancestral levels, enabling women to restore their sense of self-worth and sovereignty. She offers numerous support methods, including guided meditation, past-life regression, and personal sessions.
You can work with her individually or through a variety of online programs.
Learn more at www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com
About Lora
Lora Cheadle is an attorney, TEDx speaker, and betrayal recovery coach who helps women heal from betrayal on an energetic, soul, and ancestral level so they can rise from the ashes, reclaim their identity, self-trust, and self-worth, and reign as the sovereign queens of their own life. After being shattered by her husband’s fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand the skills and strategies necessary to turn devastation into a powerful invitation and initiation for healing, freedom, and joy.
She is licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, is a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, advanced integrated energy practitioner, and is certified to teach yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal train. She is the author of the International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self and host of the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal. She lives in Colorado and loves travel, adventure, and a good book.
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Transcript
Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello and welcome to flaunt, create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and today we are going to talk about some pretty serious stuff as if infidelity and betrayal isn’t serious stuff. I know. Right? But today, we are going to talk about, 1st, how do you know when your partner has changed? How do you know if your partner has changed? How do you know if they are healed? So many people cheat because of their own trauma, because of their own pain, their own dysfunction. And the question is always, okay. Great. I can find compassion and love and forgiveness in my heart to help them through this. But then how do I know once they’re healed? So we’re gonna talk about that.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:31]:
Part and parcel with that is, how do I know they won’t cheat on me again? How do I know that this time they’re telling me the truth when they have spent, in some cases, years lying about just about everything? And then we’re gonna flip that script a little bit. And instead of talking about them, we are going to talk about you. And how are you changing after the infidelity? And if you’re anything like me, that can be kind of a hard one because the pushback is I didn’t do anything wrong. What do you mean I have to change? I mean, I thought I was pretty darn good. I was a good partner. I was a good communicator. I was I didn’t have trauma. I knew how to manage my emotions.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:24]:
So, really, you’re gonna tell me I need to change? I don’t need to change. I didn’t wreck this train. So that’s what we’re gonna talk about. We’re gonna kind of flip that around and talk about you. And if even hearing me say some of those things triggered you, I invite you to really go a little bit deeper then and to really listen to that part of the conversation with an open heart. Because chances are, it’s going to resonate deeply with you. Because the truth of the matter is when we feel like being defensive, when we feel that ego come out, like, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m fine.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:10]:
I don’t need to change. It’s a protective mechanism, and it really means that there is something there for you to look at. So I really invite you to make yourself a little more open and vulnerable in service of getting as much as you can out of this conversation. So before we start in, though, I’ve got a couple of things that I wanna ask you. 1st, would you pretty please take the time to subscribe to the show? Rate review, whether it’s apple or Spotify, wherever you’re listening, to podcasts. If you could subscribe, like, review, and maybe even share, it would help get this information out to others. Because as you know, being a victim of infidelity isn’t something that most of us go on sharing about. Hey.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:12]:
Guess what happened to me? What resources do you have? And on the flip side, we don’t tend to share resources with other people because it’s one of those things that we just don’t talk about. So if you can rate a review, use your initials, that’s fine. It would help. And if you’re one of those people who’s like, I’d really love to review. This has really helped me a lot. Or I would just love to say something to you, Lora. And, yes, you can share it, but I don’t wanna post it publicly. Please just send me an email.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:42]:
I’ll use your initials, and that’s it. And same thing, if you’re like, I don’t know how to rate and review, send me an email. Lora, l o r a, at Lora Cheadle dot com. Loracheadle. And I can’t rate the podcast for you, but I would be happy to post your re your review, on the podcast page on my website. So that was my big favor. Please rate, review, subscribe, all of that. And I’m also in the process of offering a lot more resources on my YouTube channel.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:19]:
So if you haven’t already subscribed to my YouTube channel, go there. And you can definitely, subscribe. You can definitely leave comments. I’m in the process of organizing my playlist. So if there’s something that you want, if you’re like, well, where’s the playlist on x, y, and z? Same thing. Send me a message. Like, Lora, I really want a playlist on divorce recovery, or I want a playlist on one of my playlist is getting your groove back, or I want a playlist on hiring a good therapist, whatever it is, let me know. Because until you tell me what you create, I don’t know what to create.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:02]:
I am creating what I needed when I was going through this, but I take your comments and your suggestions very seriously because I am absolutely here to serve because I know what it’s like. So reach out. Let me know what you want. Let me know what you need, whether it’s YouTube or the podcast. Okay. So with that, thank you. And on with the show, as they say, one of the things that I believe fully, and it’s on the very first page of my website, is that the true devastation of infidelity and betrayal isn’t the betrayal itself. The true devastation is in the failure to rise up and reign as the divine sovereign queen of your life after betrayal.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:57]:
And, yeah, that might sound a little bit like jargon, but here’s the thing. If something really bad is gonna happen, what is the truly, the only thing you can do? You can create good. If something really bad happens, you can let it sink you. You can let it turn you into a bitter bitch for the rest of your life, or you can use it for good. And when something this horrific happens, there’s a lot of energetic potential. There’s a huge potential to change for you to change for your partner to change for your marriage to change. I I help people heal the wound of betrayal on an energetic and ancestral level. So what I mean when I talk about the ancestral level is changing your kids’ lives.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:51]:
This is your opportunity to change you, for your spouse to change them, for you to change your marriage, for you to change your kids’ lives, for you to go back into the past and change your parents, grandparents, your ancestors’ lives through the work and the healing that you do. So, yeah, infidelity betrayal is awful. I don’t wanna downplay that. But as awful as it is, it’s also a huge catalyst. And that’s what I’m here to do is to help you capitalize on all of that energy, on all of that potential in service of being happier, being healthier, having better relationships. This isn’t just like, yay. I’m gonna make $10,000,000 and I’m gonna lose all the weight. And I’m not talking about superficial happiness.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:45]:
I’m talking about becoming somebody different, truly becoming who you were meant to be. And that’s that second part of the show. But before we go into you, because that’s a lot, we’re gonna warm it up by talking about your partner, your spouse, and maybe even your marriage if you decide to stay marriage, to stay married. Betrayal is a huge catalyst for growth. Most of the women that I work with, their partner has cheated on them in part because of their partner’s childhood trauma. Because of their partner’s inability to identify, express, share their emotions. Most of the women that I work with, their partners are completely inept emotionally. They’re good people.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:46]:
They’re strong people. They can be great providers, great at all of these different things, but they’re inept emotionally. And whether that’s the fault of society because we don’t train our men to be very empathetic and emotionally aware, whether it’s the fault of their parents because they had an abusive or a traumatic childhood or growing up experience, whether it’s because of them and the choices that they have made, maybe they are have fallen into some sort of an addiction pattern, or whether it’s some sort of compilation of reasons, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that common root cause that causes so many men to cheat is their inability to manage themselves and their emotions, their inability to manage themselves and their emotions, which means they are emotionally unaware, emotionally immature, emotionally not very adept, and they hurt. They hurt all the time. They feel like little boys in big men’s bodies, and everything hurts them. And they take things personally, and they get defensive, and they get angry, and they throw tantrums, and they just are not mature. Why this leads to cheating? You can probably start seeing some of these threads is because when they feel bad about themselves, when they have no self esteem, no self worth, society tells them they’re supposed to be the big strong man.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:31]:
They’re supposed to be the rock. They’re supposed to be the leader. They’re supposed to be the one to fix things. Men like to fix things. And when you are emotionally inept, when you are not used to understanding and accessing emotions, when you can’t communicate very well, when you struggle with empathy, when you feel like an imposter in your own life, in your own body, when you feel emasculated maybe by your partner, by things that are going on, and you’re dissatisfied, you don’t have the skills to self reflect, to figure out what’s really going on, and then to communicate what’s going on to your partner or to a therapist, and you don’t have the ability to get help. So over time, you start feeling more and more buried and sad and vulnerable and scared, which is in direct conflict with the image that society has of you as a strong capable man. So you start desperately seeking tools to make yourself feel better. Maybe alcohol will help.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:50]:
Maybe driving too fast and buying a new sports car will help. I mean, it’s the quintessential midlife crisis. Maybe this will help. Maybe that will help. Maybe cheating will help. Maybe getting the validation of a younger woman will help. Maybe having a woman who is a hot mess and she sees me as her knight in shining armor will help. And here’s another one.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:16]:
Maybe being with somebody who reflects how I feel about myself inside will help. But we joke now, my husband and I, we joke now because it’s it’s 7 years later, and we’ve been through a lot and it feels safe to joke, but we joke that he was an overachiever when it came to having affairs, because you hear about what kind of affair did your partner have? Well, it doesn’t really matter. But my husband had all the kinds of affairs. His one affair partner was so incredibly I hate to use the word trashy, but I’ve said it before trashy, hot mess way down there. Like, oh my gosh. Are you kidding? Because there was a part of him that felt like that. He picked her because she was a reflection about how he felt about himself, and he felt low class. He felt unworthy.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:19]:
He felt inept. He felt frustrated. He felt vulnerable. He felt all the things. So she was a perfect energetic match for him. He also had the one who saw him as the sugar daddy who was gonna come in and save her and take care of her and single mom, no job, no money. She was gonna validate him, and he was gonna be her savior. So that filled him up.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:47]:
He had all the different kinds of affair partners. He was an overachiever. Again, we laugh. It’s not funny, but sometimes you do have to laugh. The point is it was about him. He was using these affairs as tools. What about your partner? Where was your partner lacking? Was he lacking in self esteem, self worth, self confidence? Was he lacking in emotional awareness? Was he lacking in the ability to self reflect? Was he lacking in the ability to communicate with you? Was he lacking in the ability to no longer be defensive and argumentative and to actually take feedback and grow with you? Was he lacking in his ability to quote solve your problems? That’s a big one. Sometimes people will say, my husband cheated in the middle of a cancer diagnosis or in the middle of a pregnancy or my father’s death or my mother’s crisis.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:00]:
When men feel adept when humans feel adept in when humans feel adept at solving a problem, they lean in and they solve it. When they feel inept at solving a problem and they’re supposed to be the problem solver, it does create that sense of panic. And that’s why so many men cheat during a crisis. During the worst crisis of your life, they feel completely inept and they are unable to solve your problem. So they go and have an affair because it gives them that quick fix that I am a good person because I solved a problem. I solved a problem. It’s kind of like when you’re overwhelmed with things, sometimes doing a small task, like cleaning the toilet or loading the dishwasher can give you a sense of accomplishment, and it’ll make you feel better about yourself so then you can go accomplish the big tasks. That’s why they sometimes say just start with something small.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:04]:
If you feel like you have accomplished something, it gives you that boost, that lift, that energy to go accomplish the hard things. So sometimes that’s also why men cheat. So with that as the background, we’re gonna start by, answering the question, how do you know if your partner has healed? How do you know if they’ve done the work and they’ve healed? If they are one of these people where you’re like, That rings true. That really rings true about my partner. He was emotionally unavailable. He’s defensive. He’s egotistic. He’s a little boy in a big man’s body.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:52]:
Here’s how you know. They’re showing up differently. How you know is you can ask for something, and in the past, it would have led to defensiveness or why don’t you do this, or why didn’t you do this, or what do you expect? And it would have led to an argument. And suddenly, they’re holding space for that, and they’re showing up differently where you can ask them to do something and they respond. They are different. Another way that you know if they’re different is if they’re self reflecting on things and they’re sharing some things with you. Like, I never realized I had an abusive mother. I never realized I had a father wound.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:42]:
I never realized how deep my trauma was. I never realized here here was one that my husband said. I never realized there were so many emotions. I thought there was anger, and I thought there was happiness, and I thought there was neutral. He never realized there was this full range of emotions. What are they self reflecting on? What are they sharing with you? And if they’re not, I don’t want you to panic, but I wanna invite you to ask them. What have you been realizing about yourself lately? Another way to invite that is to do some self reflection yourself, which I we all should be doing. And then to share that, I recently realized that I’m a huge perfectionist.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:37]:
And although I realized I liked things organized, lately, I’ve been seeing how this is more of a trauma response and now how it’s me trying to control my environment. And it’s not just me having high standards. Do you ever do any self reflection like that? Is there something you’d like to share with me that you’ve been reflecting on about yourself? Ask. Offer something and ask. Think back to what are your top complaints about your partner. They’re defensive. They’re angry. They lack empathy.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:24]:
They whatever it is. Think back to those top problems. Make a list of those top problems in your mind. They don’t have to be objective problems, the things for you. Under that list, write down specific examples of ways those problems have manifested, and keep that list because that’s how you can see progress. Because progress often is in such small increments, it’s not like your partner is gonna come home from his weekly counseling session, and he’s gonna be a totally different person. That’s not realistic. But over time, your partner should develop more tools, more skills.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:19]:
They should be broadened and stretched. They should be able to tolerate more discomfort. They should be able to regulate themselves for longer periods of time. And sometimes, unless you have written this down, you don’t realize what a large gap has been created with the work they have done over time. For example, my husband really had no tools or skills or abilities to self regulate. When he was angry, everybody knew it. He flew off the handle almost instantly. He had no ability to sit in discomfort.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:09]:
He would launch into attack. He would launch into something that was just negative and toxic, whether it was to me or other people around him, or he would stonewall, and he would just sit there and not respond. Very toxic behaviors when a stressful situation presented itself. Today, 7 years later, he has more of a tolerance. His window of tolerance is bigger. He can sit with uncomfortable emotions for longer periods of time. He can have a conversation with me or with our kids or with somebody at work for a longer period of time. He can sit in that discomfort for a longer period of time.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:57]:
And will he still lose it sometimes? Yes. He’s a human. But now he’ll say, I need to do a mini meditation. I need to take a walk. Now is not a good time for me. He has a variety of tools, a variety of phrases that he will use that will extricate him from the situation so he can start regulating himself again. When he says, I need to take a time out and go do a mini meditation, that is him being aware that he’s starting to get stretched too thin. It’s also getting him it it’s showing his awareness that tools make it better, and it’s his ability to reach for that tool to regulate himself and to make himself feel better.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:44]:
Now over the last 7 years, can I say every single day he increased by 0.07%? No. There were jumps. There were highs. There were lows. There were times he did things great. There were times he totally bombed. But my point is, I have that reference from how he used to be when he was in full blown affair mode versus how he is now. I see the gain.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:13]:
I see the change. So that’s the first how do you know if they’re changing? You see the change. How do you see the change? By writing down how they used to be, by doing the work, by watching them do the work, by watching them go to coaching or therapy or men’s groups or healing retreats or reading books or doing podcasts or whatever it is. They have to do something. Outside intervention of some kind, I believe, is crucial. My husband and I are Star Trek fans. Are any of you Star Trek fans? Last night, we were watching Deep Space 9. It’s a fun one.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:00]:
Odo is a character on Deep Space 9 who is a changeling. And changelings are shape shifters, and they change form. And in this episode, they found a baby shape shifter. So Odo’s job was going to be to adopt the shape shifter and teach it how to shape shift. And he was going to do it by talking to it and by explaining of things and by making a connection with it. And the doctor, doctor Mora, who had raised helped learn how to shift shape by outside intervention, by using things like electrical shock stimulation. And in this episode, was really upset because the electrical shock hurt. The electrical stimulation, the outside intervention hurt, and it made him really uncomfortable.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:59]:
And he said he was never gonna do that to his baby changeling. He was just going to do it with love. And I loved how the episode wrapped up because the way the episode wrapped up was method of complete just love and acceptance didn’t cause the changeling to change. The changeling did not change under that complete I just love you unconditionally scenario. It was only when a combination of scenarios was used. It was only when some of the electrical stimulation that was painful and was uncomfortable and the love was used that the changeling started to change. And in the storyline, it they were very clear that when doctor Mora did just the electrical stimulation for Odo, it created, not a strong not a strong relationship. So it harms the relationship, and although grew, he didn’t grow quickly.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:07]:
Whereas in the scenario when used the combination of love, connection, and that external stimulation that was uncomfortable, the changeling grew faster. Gains were greater, and the relationship was preserved. So that’s my little story. How how not how. What is your partner doing that’s a little bit uncomfortable? If you wanna provide the love, if you wanna provide that connection, if you wanna provide that emotional support, that’s great. But there also needs to be that outside stimulation that is a little bit uncomfortable. A therapist needs to call them out on something. A coach needs to challenge them to do something.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:00]:
There needs to be some sort of outside intervention, and, yeah, it’s gonna be painful. Because having a mirror held up and seeing yourself for who you really are is painful. So how do you know if your partner is healed? They have engaged in some uncomfortable work. They are doing something that makes them uncomfortable so they can grow. They are showing up differently. You are keeping track of how things are different. And most importantly, they are becoming a different person. Their vibe is different.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:42]:
Their energy field is different. My husband shows up differently now, and other people comment on it. Our kids commented on it. Our friends commented on it. And it’s hard. It’s amorphous. It’s hard to put into words, but he shows up in a way that’s more peaceful. He shows up in a way that’s less guarded.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:06]:
He shows up in a way that’s more authentic and vulnerable. It’s not that, oh, I’m the big man on campus. I’m all grandiose, or, yeah, I’m just you all hate me, and I can never do anything right. He doesn’t play the victim, and he doesn’t play the hero. He doesn’t play a role at all. He just shows up as he is. And sometimes that’s in a powerful jazz state, and sometimes and it’s in a kind of a wounded vulnerable state. And it doesn’t matter.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:31]:
He just shows up. So how is your partner showing up differently? Are other people noticing this? Are you noticing it? What are the things that they’re doing now that they didn’t do before? My husband never said I need to go take a walk. I need to do a mini meditation. I why don’t we go to a spiritual retreat together, honey? Like, he says these things now. He didn’t say them before. He says I’m feeling vulnerable. He says you hurt my feelings. He says I need time.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:04]:
I need a guy movie. I need connection. I like, he expresses needs differently. When I have asks of him, he responds differently. So healing is not something that just happens overnight. It’s a process. What I even today say my husband is healed? No. Because I don’t really think that’s I don’t think you it’s like being sober.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:34]:
You don’t just say I’m sober. I’m an alcoholic or a drug addict or any or any any kind of addict, and then you just are sober. It’s something that you work at every single day. You are experiencing sobriety in the moment, but you’re an alcoholic forever or a drug addict or whatever it is forever. And it’s a process. It’s something that you do every single day, and I think you become more and more sober over time. And that’s how this healing is. I think my husband I know my husband is more and more healed every year, but I would never say in 2025, he healed, or on Thursday, he healed.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:16]:
Because triggers will always come up. Life is filled with triggers. Things will happen with his mom or his family. We’ll get a call or an email. We might run into an affair partner. There is always going to be something that triggers shame in him or guilt in him or fear. His job recently became a little bit unstable, and he came to me and he said, I’m feeling very vulnerable. You’re never totally healed.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:45]:
You’re a human. Your husband has never totally healed. He’s a human, but how do you know if they’re healed? They’re never healed, but you know, they’re healing and you know, they’re doing the work when they’re different, when you notice the difference, when others notice the difference. And I think most importantly, when they’re able to express the differences themselves, they can say things, they can ask for things, And they’re willing to talk to you about their journey. They don’t have to tell you everything that they did in therapy. Don’t ask. You could ask, do you want to share something that you talked about in therapy? But do not ever force your partner to share what they talked about in therapy. Don’t do that.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:31]:
So that’s how you know. You know, because of a 1,000,000 small things. You know, because they are different in a 1,000,000 small ways. Which leads to my next question. How do you know that they won’t cheat on you again? And the first answer is you don’t, you don’t know anything. None of us know anything. Everybody has free will. We have no control over what another person does or doesn’t do.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:01]:
And if your partner is doing the work and they’re gaining tools and they’re doing things like, hey. Now I know how to mini meditate. Hey. Now I know going outside and walking helps. Hey. Now I know having a deep conversation helps. Hey. Now when I’m feeling stressed, I can go talk to a therapist.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:18]:
I can do all of these different things. When they have new tools, the chances of them returning to cheating, which is a tool to make them feel better as we talked about earlier, the chances of them doing that decrease significantly. When they are more emotionally aware, when you have a stronger relationship and you can talk and you can hold space for them and you’re more connected, their chances of cheating go down. Because here’s the thing. There will always be the opportunity to cheat. I am gonna say that again. There will always be the opportunity to cheat. Always, whether it’s online, whether it’s in person.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:11]:
I don’t care if your partner works from home. There’s always going to be the opportunity to cheat. So you can kinda get that out of your head. There will always be the opportunity at any day at any point in time. Any of us truly could go out and find somebody to cheat with. It’s that simple. But if they’re feeling connected to you and connected to themselves and they have tools to help manage their feelings of whatever those negative feelings are, sadness, vulnerability, despair, anger, lack of connection, whatever it is, the drive to cheat will not be there. The drive to cheat will not be there.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:02]:
They have you to talk to. They know that you will hear them. They have a therapist or a coach to talk to. They have a buddy they can talk to. They’ve got a book that they can read. They have an activity that they can do. We, as humans, will do the things that work best for us. We will do the things that are easily available that we feel comfortable and confident doing and that work.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:34]:
So if meditating or taking a walk or talking to you or something like that is easy, and they have they’ve done it enough that they’ve got the skills and they know that it works, then those will become their go to tools. We all have go to tools. Whether they’re healthy or maladaptive is a different question, but we all have go to tools. My go to tool is moving, is working out. Wine might be a go to tool for people. Netflix might be a go to tool. Calling your best friend might be a go to tool. What are your partner’s new go to tools? To prevent cheating, you wanna expand their toolbox.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:15]:
Men love toolboxes. Right? Give them a lot of tools. Give them time to practice. That’s huge. You can’t say, you read a book on meditating. You should use that. You have to practice it. It’s like any skill.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:32]:
You have to practice it. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice before it gets better. I have got a couple that I’m working with right now, and his go to tool is making sourdough. It sounds so funny, but he loves it. Baking relieves his stress. Baking sourdough in particular relieves his stress. He’s had to practice, but now he is adept at that tool. And when he feels overwhelmed, he starts baking and creating things.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:05]:
The other night, she said that he was up creating pretty much all night. He made a whole bunch of beautiful things. He was doing some sourdough, what’s the word, crescent, like the crescent rolled croissants. Sourdough croissants. Rolling the thin layers. Tools can be anything. What matters is that you are aware of them and that you practice. So how do you know they won’t cheat? Well, you don’t.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:32]:
But if they are doing work, if they have more tools, and if they are more self aware, and they are using those tools, and you’re noticing that they feel better and you’re connecting around that connection is huge. Yes. Praise your partner. Did they cause this mess? Sure. But you can still praise them. I see that you’re using your tools. I see that you’re do don’t tear them down. That’s gonna make it worse.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:59]:
That’s something that, I’m covering my eyes right now because it’s so frustrating. It’s something that I go through with my women that I coach a lot. They’ll be like, I’m so mad at him. Of course, you are, and of course, you should be. But when they are doing something good, you do have to praise that effort because you do want that positive reinforcement around that. So if your goal is honest honestly to save your marriage, to save this, and your partner is doing the work, there are times you will have to bite your tongue and you’ll have to praise them. Yes. You’re like, I wanna have this conversation now, and I’m all keyed up.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:35]:
I’m gonna have it. And if they say, I’ve gotta take a break. I need to take a walk. I’m getting flooded. You have to honor that. You have to honor their process to get what you want. You’re not suppressing yourself permanently forever. You’re honoring their process in service of getting what you want.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:55]:
There are times my husband’s like, I’m gonna take a walk, and I’m like, for the love of God, not now. But I know that that’s his tool, and I know he needs it. And I know if I don’t support that and say, please go take a walk. Take the dog and be gone longer than you think you need to. I am fine on my own. Even if inside it feels like I’m gritting my teeth, like, oh my god. Pull it together. We just left for a trip last week, and that exact same thing happened.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:23]:
I needed all of this help. And I had asked after ask after ask after ask, and I’m getting my temper my patience my temper. And my patience is getting thin. My temper is starting to rise. I’m like, do this and do this and do this. And at some point, he’s like, I have got to back off and take a walk. And inside, I really wanted to say, buddy, I wanted to back off and take a walk too. Pull it together.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:49]:
We gotta leave in the morning. But I knew I was wise enough. My wise self said, that’s gonna start a fight. That’s not gonna get you anywhere where you wanna be. So I recognized, hey. He’s aware that he’s getting flooded. He’s taking care of himself. You’re not taking care of yourself, Lora.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:10]:
And it was like, yay. Go out. Take a walk. Have fun. Return whatever. I’ll be here. And when he did, I sat down and did some deep breathing and calmed myself. And when he came back, we got everything done, and we ended up having a great trip.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:28]:
So that’s what I mean by praising your partner’s success, helping them manage themselves. Chances are you’re more emotionally adept than they are in any way. I know. But chances are you are. Because in our culture, women are raised with more emotional awareness. So that is how you know if your partner is healing. They’re showing up different. And that’s how you know that they won’t cheat on you again is because you see them using tools.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:58]:
You see them being more vulnerable and open to you. You see them showing their vulnerability to you and allowing you to hold space and to hold tend them in tenderness more. Now enough about them. Because I know if you’re anything like me, it’s so much easier to talk about other people because I know everything that my husband is doing wrong. I know all of his weak spots. I know all of his blind spots. I know all of the things that he’s struggling with. Like, I am really dang perfect here, and I know what’s wrong with him.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:32]:
I mean, I’m the professional here, and I know what’s wrong with him, but I am really good. Right? That’s how so many of us think. And here’s the thing. While there could be a lot of truth in that, while it’s really great to have great self confidence and self esteem, it’s also really important to hold the mirror up to yourself. Because because if your goal is healing, whether healing the relationship or healing yourself, you 2 have to show up differently. And I don’t care that you didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong either. That’s not the point.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:15]:
The point is this is your opportunity to be better, to do better, to become more. Betrayal does not happen. Betrayal does not happen to somebody where there isn’t room for growth. Betrayal doesn’t happen to somebody who is completely maxed out and is perfect. And you might be going, wait. What? Wait. This is confusing. What are you saying? What what are you saying? Are you saying betrayal happens to bad people? No.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:53]:
No. No. I’m saying betrayal happens to amazing people. I’m saying the betrayal happens to those of us who have greater potential. I’m saying that betrayal happens to the people who are ready to soar. I say betrayal happens to the people who have higher standards, who have more potential, and who really are ready to reach heights that they never even dreamed possible for themselves. And, yeah, I’m saying that. And that is a bold statement.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:32]:
That is a bold statement, but I stand by that. And here’s why. Like I said earlier, the devastation of betrayal is not in the act of betrayal. It’s in the failure of those who are betrayed to not rise up and reign as the divine sovereign queen of their life after betrayal. The devastation of betrayal is staying the same, and it’s not moving into the highest version of who you are and what you want. That is the devastation of betrayal. Betrayal is not gonna happen to somebody who is not capable of doing that. If you’ve been betrayed, you’re capable of more.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:18]:
If you’ve been betrayed, you have greater potential, and now is your time. Now is your time. We’re gonna get into some coaching here, and this is good stuff. So if you wanna take notes, be sure to take notes. Question 1 is what do you wanna stop? What do you wanna stop doing in your life, in yourself? Is it self criticism? Do you want to stop drinking? Do you wanna stop sitting on your patootie in the evenings? Do you wanna stop settling for less? Do you wanna stop judging yourself? Do you wanna stop being controlled by other people’s judgments? Do you wanna stop living life for everybody else? Do you wanna stop putting yourself on the back burner? What do you wanna stop? It’s the first thing I want you to write down, and I want you to meditate on this question probably for a week. Keeps the paper by your bedside, type it into your phone. What do you wanna stop? I wanna stop being taken for granted. I wanna stop being misunderstood.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:27]:
I wanna stop being so nice, whatever it is. Question number 2, What do you wanna start? What do you want to start? I wanna start living with authenticity. I wanna start loving hard and deep. I wanna start being open. I wanna start being fearless. I wanna start being brave. I wanna start being confident. What do you wanna start? Same thing.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:04]:
Write it down. Put on some music. Meditate. Really work with this. The third question is who do I wanna become? Who do I wanna become on the other side? Do I wanna become a victim? Do I wanna become a bitter bitch? Do I wanna be come generous and forgiving? Do I wanna become powerful and clear? Do I wanna become strong? What do you want to become? Becoming is one of my favorite words because it embodies and encompasses so much. And becoming is about admitting. It’s about feeling. It’s about resonating at an entirely different level.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:05]:
Who do you want to become? I mean, the force that I want to become, the light that I want to become, the strength and the power and the goodness and the beauty that I want to become is powerful. And it’s one of those things that I can close my eyes. I do close my eyes. I do this at night and in the morning. And sometimes when I think about it and I’m really taking good care of myself, I do this throughout the day too or I can just close my eyes and I can just feel all of those things that I want to become. And my posture changes and I sit up stronger and I glow and I sparkle and I shine and I just feel so good because I know that is who I am on the path to becoming. So that is your third question. Who do you want to become? And then the 4th question is really where the rubber hits the road.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:07]:
How do you want to feel and show up as that person? How do you want to feel and show up as that person? I have the image of who I want to become. How do I wanna feel? I wanna feel the way I feel when I lean into that vision. I wanna feel that power, that joy, that I wanna feel that resonance every day. And, yes, I know I’ll have bad moments. I know I’ll be sick. I’ll be grouchy. Bad things will happen, whatever. But that’s how I want to feel.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:50]:
That is a feeling that I know in my body. And that’s what I really want you to do is I want you to lean into knowing that feeling in your body. Because once you know what that feeling is, once you’ve learned how to generate it and create it and identify it, then you know what you’re going for. So how do you want to feel? Feel that. And then that leads into the second part of that question. How do you wanna show up? How do you wanna show up? And that’s like, what are the actions that you’re doing? What are the words that you’re saying? What is the countenance of your face? Are you open? What is your body language like? Are you collapsed? Are you angry? Are you what how are you showing up? Are you showing up in service? Are you showing up in trust? Are you showing up? How are you showing up differently than how you are now? And that’s a really interesting one to explore because there are so many things that I will think, well, I’ll do that later. I’ll make that donation later when I have more money. I’ll hire more help later when I’m more successful.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:08]:
I will be more patient and kind and loving and tolerant when my husband does things differently. For a while, I have the joke that when I marry Hugh Jackman, I will. No. You don’t wait for the perfect external circumstances. You do those things now. If you think about when I have this great partner, I will. Do those things now. Do those things now.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:35]:
That’s how you show up. And as you show up as that person, so you become that person. And what this really wraps back around to is once again the concept of betrayal. You were betrayed by somebody else, but unless you are feeling and showing up as the highest version of yourself in most days, in most circumstances, the truth of the matter is you’re betraying yourself. You’re betraying yourself every time you don’t keep promises to yourself. Every time you put yourself last, every time you sacrifice, every time you suffer, every time you seek to prove your worth, every time you show up from a compressed state. And, yes, there’s times we need to grieve. If you’re in the grieving stage, grieve.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:36]:
If you’re in the angry stage, be angry. I’m talking overall. Every time you show up as somebody less than yourself, the person you’re betraying is you. And I’m all about healing betrayal on the energetic and ancestral level. Energetic is how you show up. Show up in a way where you will never betray yourself again. Show up in a way where you are true to yourself. A 100%.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:05]:
100% true to yourself as often as you can be. Yes. I know there’s exceptions. But as long as you betray yourself, you teach the world to betray you too. You teach others in your life how to treat you. And if you’re constantly putting yourself last, they will put you last too. And that ties right around to what I said at the beginning of the show. The real devastation of betrayal is not in the act of somebody betraying you.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:38]:
The real devastation of betrayal is the failure to rise up and reign in your own life. It’s the failure to become who you want to be, to feel, and to show up at your highest level and in your highest potential. In case you didn’t know and in case you’re like, yeah. I gotta talk more about this. This is starting to starting to ring some bells. I’m feeling it. I give everybody a complimentary 30 minute session because I’m passionate about this because, oh my gosh, this is your opportunity to have your life changed. Big traumas lead to big growth.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:26]:
Don’t waste that big growth. If you wanna sit down with me 30 minutes, complimentary, no obligation, Let’s talk about it. Have your questions ready or whatever you want. We’ll sit down and do it. My favorite calls are when people are like, here’s my top two questions. Go. Reach out. You can book it when you download your betrayal recovery toolkit.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:52]:
Go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Download that. There’s the link below to schedule your complimentary time, and let’s talk about that. And, also, if you’re not if you’re not down to getting together at this point, that’s okay. We can do it any time. But email me your your thoughts. Email me your words. Email me your list of things you wanna stop or a list of things you wanna start.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:19]:
Email me who you want to become, how you want to feel, and how you want to show up. Because when you do, you’re putting a stake in the ground, and it’s not just something that’s inside of you. It’s something you have now communicated to somebody else and it makes it more real. It’s not like I’m gonna judge you. I’m not, I’m going to applaud you. I’m gonna celebrate you. I’m gonna love on you. So dream big.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:50]:
Claim it for yourself. Stop betraying yourself and start becoming who you want to be. I can’t wait either for our zoom or just for your email. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. Life can really knock you down sometimes, especially after a tough breakup or when someone betrays your trust. It’s hard to remember your own value when the people who should have treasured you didn’t, but I’m here to tell you that loving yourself again is possible even after infidelity. It takes time and intentional effort but it can be done, That’s where the mindful souls subscription box comes in.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:42]:
It’s like getting a monthly dose of me time delivered straight to your door. Inside, you’ll find all sorts of goodies, natural crystals, gorgeous gem jewelry, essential oils and many other pampering tools. It’s a nice little reminder that, hey, you do deserve to feel good. I know that most of you are crazy busy. You’ve got a ton of people counting on you and taking care of yourself usually ends up at the bottom of your to do list but that’s what’s so great about this subscription, they don’t just deliver everything you need for your self care moments they also give you real practical tips on how to make self care work for you no matter how hectic your life gets. I’ve been a die hard fan of the mindful box for a while now so the mindful souls family sent me a special treat for all of you If you use the discount code Lora30, you’ll get 30% off of your order. That’s Lora, l o r a, 30. So head over to mindful souls.com and grab your box.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:49]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.