Learning to take care of yourself and get your own needs met is a skill that many of us lack. If you have ever felt a lack of clarity over what you want or how to get it, then this show is for you. While learning to advocate on your own behalf is important, it is especially important after infidelity or betrayal. This show will show you how to get your needs met without being aggressive or a push-over.
Top take-a-ways
- When it comes to getting your needs met, clarity is essential. Avoid conflict, disappointment, and unnecessary stress by clarifying what you want to yourself before communicating with others.
- Successful communication, whether in business or personal relationships, benefits from having an agenda. Take the time to write down or outline what you want to say and practice saying it.
- Relationships require mutuality. If you and your partner aren’t committed to meeting each other’s needs, neither of you will be happy. Make space for each other, rebuild mutual respect, and don’t withhold your desires. By embracing effective communication, you can create a strong foundation for a new partnership that meets everyone’s needs effectively.
Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.
About Lora:
Author, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle help women rebuild their identity and self-worth so they can find the courage to claim what’s possible on the other side of betrayal. Learn More & Apply Here! www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com
Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT
Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!
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Transcript
Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life, your body or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:
Hello. Welcome to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love. After infidelity or a betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle and I work specifically with women who have been betrayed by their intimate partner and who want to turn this devastation and it is devastating. Trust me, I know I’ve been through it. Into a reclamation of all that they are, of everything they have let go of along the way. And to really use this experience as a catalyst for something better, whether it’s creating a new relationship with the same partner or whether it’s separating and moving on, it doesn’t matter.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:18]:
What matters is that passion and that drive and that determination not to let this experience define you. So if that sounds like you, then you are in the right place. Today we are going to talk about getting your needs met and if you’re anything like me, you have had a lot of disappointment in you lifetime in general. Not just the disappointment because of the betrayal and trust me that’s a big disappointment but you have experienced a lot of little disappointments along the way. And if you’re also anything like me, many of those disappointments you just kind of smile and move through because you can’t really or you don’t really feel like expressing them to anybody will help and you don’t want to be a whiner and you’re busy taking care of everybody else and doing all the things for everybody else. So a lot of those disappointments just kind of get quietly swept under the rug. And here’s the thing with that, this is why I want to really spend some time talking about this today. Although yeah, I really believe that it’s good not to let yourself tank and spiral into grouchiness and go down that whole rabbit hole at the same time.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:01]:
It’s really important to acknowledge and to express your feelings because that is part of getting your needs met. And if everybody around you truly thinks you’re fine, then they’re going to think you’re fine. And yeah it’s nice to be fine and it’s nice not to be crumbled up on the floor and to be grouchy and to move ahead. But you also have to find that balance between communicating authentically when you care disappointed and about what you care disappointed and how it makes you feel. So the people around you can then start getting more information about out you and hopefully meeting your needs more often. And if the people around you are getting information about what it is you want, what it is you need, how you’re feeling, and they’re not doing anything about it, not because they don’t know, but because they don’t care, then that is really, really good feedback for you as well, because then you’re clear. Wow. I am living with or.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:19]:
I’m in a relationship with or. I’m working for people who totally understand and are still unwilling to meet my needs. Which then begs the question, am I willing to tolerate this? How long am I willing to tolerate this? Or am I going to start doing something different about this? So that is the whole scope of everything that we are going to talk about today. But before we get into that, I want to remind you that there is time to sign up for my Sparkle All Season Fall Edition. And what’s going to be really nice about Sparkle All Season Fall Edition, which is my group coaching program. Very, very small micro habits, ten minute rituals, ten minute connections. This is not something that will overwhelm you. This is something that we are doing all a fall season.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:30]:
We are focusing on fall, which is releasing and letting go. We are coming together just once a month in person, or if you’re not available at the same time, you will get the Zoom replay just for about an hour. And I’m going to teach you rituals, tricks, tools that literally take no more than 10 minutes, that you can use to help keep you grounded, to help you release what needs releasing so you can move forward and make decisions more confidently. This is going to teach you how to flow with a season, and you’re also going to find connection with other people. And then I’m also going to give you some accountability along the way because I know how easy it is to listen to a webinar or to read a book and to be like, yes, I’m all in. And then the washing machine breaks and the house floods and then laundry is piling up and then a repair person can’t get there and you’ve taken the day off and suddenly you’re just totally in this life drama. And then a week goes by and you’re like, oh, yeah, I had all these new tools and all these new skills and I was going to try them out, but never mind. And I don’t want that to happen.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:52]:
I really don’t want that to happen. So that’s why Sparkle All Season is a program that runs all season long. So you can learn little tiny micro habits along the way and then you can get the support to actually make the changes that you desire instead of going whole hog and then crashing and burning and actually never applying anything that you have learned. Because I really think the application is the key. We all learn all sorts of things all the time, but the relevant question is, are we applying what we have learned? So yes, there will be more information at the end of the show. But in the meantime, go to www.sparkleallseason.com and just put in your name and your email. You’re not committing to anything. That just gets you on my list.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:54]:
So when the time comes, I can send you the links. I can send you the zoom links, I can send you the downloads, I can send you the meditations. I can send you all of the information. Now, of course, if you know you’re in for sure, if you’re like. Yes, of course. I want more than just to be on the list. Then you can continue to click through and you can click the payment link. It’s only $47 for the whole season.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:21]:
All fall, all the way through January through January 22. $47. That’s all. So I know you are going to want this. I totally think it’s a no brainer, and I’m just really excited to have some one on one time with you because it’s really nice getting the feedback and doing the podcast. But to me, there’s really nothing like connection, and I really, really love the connection. So I can’t wait to see you there again. Www.sparkleallseason.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:02]:
And yes, for some reason, if you put in sparkleallseason.com, it doesn’t work. You do need the www dot. So there you have it. All right, housekeeping is taken care of. Now let’s go into getting your needs met, because you know what? We deserve to have our needs met. All right, the very, very first thing when you think about getting your needs met, you have to figure out, what are your needs? What are your needs? And I want to be clear, I’m really not talking about just needs. I’m also talking about wants. I’m talking about desires.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:47]:
What do you need and what do you want from a relationship? What do you need? What do you want from your friends? I know a lot of people who are facing infidelity get really weird reactions from their friends, from their families who don’t know how to handle it. And then they say all the wrong things, and they do all the wrong things, and then what happens is we end up feeling betrayed by everybody else. We feel betrayed by our friends, by our families, by what we thought was our support system. So that’s why we need to kind of start with, what do you want? What are your needs? I really need my support system to show up for me. That’s one of my needs. That’s one of my wants. I need respect, consideration. I need to feel important in a relationship.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:48]:
I really like to feel cherished, but I need to feel respected and important. The very first step is truly making an inventory. I can’t say this taking an inventory or making a list. There you go. It all came out of, what are the things that you want? I want a deep partnership. I want to be working in tandem with my husband. I want us to have that back and forth. We don’t always have to be on 100% for the other person.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:32]:
But I want to have that partnership where we are supporting each other, where we can drop each other off at the car dealership, where we can pick somebody up some dinner when the other person is feeling sick or sad, where we are there for each other. I want conversation. Think about all of the things that you want. And I want to say, this is hard. Oh my gosh. Especially once you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s really difficult to start naming what it is that you want because we get busy. Life is just rolling. Jobs are rolling, care is rolling.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:20]:
Houses, care, families, friends, church, all these activities. We just start rolling and we just start maintaining or managing our lives, and we really stop creating and living them because we just get so caught up. And not that infidelity is a good thing. It’s not, but it is catalyst and it can be a really good turning point and a really good wake up call if you let it. Now, I am not saying you caused the infidelity because you didn’t. Unless you took a gun and held it to somebody’s head and said, now you will go cheat, you did not cause the infidelity. However, there are things in life that lead up to infidelity. And one of those things in life that leads up to infidelity is distraction.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:25]:
Just getting distracted with life and not living intentionally. And I know what it’s like to just be busy all the time and to be running from one thing to the other thing. And it’s like you’re just managing and you’re just hanging on. But how are you ever going to get your needs met unless you know what they are? How are you going to know what your needs are unless you sit down and you actually start thinking about them or listing them out? And that’s that very first step is thinking about how do I want my partnership to be? What do I want my relationship to be? Like, how do I want my family life to be? Like, what do I expect at work? Do I want satisfaction at work? What do I want at home? How do I want extended families to be? What kind of communication do I want to have with my partner? What are all of the different things? Do you want to have date nights? Do you want to have movie nights? Do you want to lay in bed and read together at the end of each night? What are the things that you want? You need to get specific because unless you know what you want legitimately, you have zero chance of getting what you want. Now, don’t put pressure on yourselves or rush. I know it’s hard, really, really hard. Emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, all of the things to get through infidelity, but just take your time and keep listing out the things that you want as they come to mind. And then once you have your list, once it feels like it’s fairly complete, then the next task is to figure out who does this information need to be communicated to.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:35]:
Who does this information need to be communicated to? If you are having some dissatisfaction at work and now you have gotten clear about some of the things that you need at work, maybe overtime is expected in your company and you’re like, realistically, I just can’t keep doing overtime. I was not aware of this expectation when I got hired here. It’s getting more and more out of control and I can’t do it. You might need to communicate that expectation, that need, that desire to your boss, to the person that is constantly telling you that you need to do overtime. I’m not telling you how yet. We’re just doing the step two. Step one is identifying. Step two is communicating.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:27]:
If it’s at home with your partner, you might need to start communicating certain things to your partner. What I really want out of a relationship is and this is what you do to rebuild a relationship. You’ve probably heard people say like, I now have the marriage of my dreams or infidelity was so good for us because it allowed us to rebuild our relationship. And we have a totally new and different relationship now. And that happened to me. We have a totally new and different relationship now and the people that I work with that have stayed together, that’s what I encourage them to do. Why would you rebuild the same relationship? If you rebuild the same relationship, you’re probably going to end up with some of the same problems. Build a new relationship.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:21]:
Having it destroyed and burned to the ground was not fun. But why would you build up the same relationship? Again, this is about using it as a catalyst to create something new, something different. And to be clear, you partner really is entitled to do the same thing, even though they were the ones that cheated. If you were going to come back together and rebuild a relationship, you’re both entitled, you’re both entitled to build the relationship that you want. Because the bottom line is if you two want things that are so different, why are you together? Why would you stay married to somebody who doesn’t want fundamentally the same things that you want? And I know that’s hard to hear sometimes because it’s like but I love them. I know that. But do you have similar values? Do you have similar dreams? Do you have similar goals? Do you want the same thing out of a relationship now? It’s not like you have to have absolutely everything the same. But fundamentally there does need to be alignment.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:57]:
Otherwise it’s not a relationship that is going to nurture you and it’s not a relationship that’s going to meet your needs. And that’s what we’re talking about here is having your needs met, because we all deserve to have our needs met. I think this goes without saying, but in relationships, we meet each other’s needs. Healthy relationships have a give and a take. Healthy relationships have balance. But you do want to make sure there’s balance, and you do want to make sure your needs are getting met and that you feel good about meeting your partner’s needs as well. And that’s something that’s really important. And I do a lot of coaching around this with the people that I coach, it’s really easy.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:57]:
Trust me, I know. Been there, done that, got the ribbon. It’s so easy to start feeling like, okay, my partner cheated on me. They are a complete and total jerk. I am now entitled to get everything, and they need to grovel for the rest of our lives and prove their love to me and make me happy. And I don’t need to do anything for them. I already have done everything for them, and look at where that got me. Oh, yeah, I know.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:36]:
And a true relationship, at least in my book, has love and respect that goes both ways, where both partners mutually respect and love and care for the other person. Now, I’m not saying you can’t be mad. You know what? You really should be mad. You’re entitled to be mad. You’re entitled to be mad as long as you are feeling mad. It’s not like, oh, after a year, you’re totally done. But at the same time, it’s important to move through that anger. It’s important to move through that bitterness.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:23]:
It’s important to move through that resentment because otherwise this just isn’t a relationship. And why would you want to be with somebody that you’re constantly ticked at? Why would you want to be with somebody that you don’t want to serve, that you don’t want to have that mutual respect? Relationships go both ways. It’s okay to be mad for a while. It’s okay to have everything go your way for a while. It’s okay to lose respect. It’s okay to freaking hate and despise and fill your partner. Like, for a long time, right after the sight of my partner filled me with disgust, that’s okay. What my partner did was disgusting.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:13]:
I did lose respect. I did lose trust. I did lose love in certain ways. And the reason that it is still working out is because that’s been rebuilt. Because I now want to serve him, because I now respect him, because I now trust him, and because I now want that balance and because he is meeting my needs in ways that he never met them before. We are having way more authentic communication. Yes, sometimes, like, it’s in the form of I don’t really want to say fights, but, like, intense disagreements, but I’m not backing down. I’m not going to be misunderstood anymore.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:11]:
Because being understood is something that I need in a relationship, I need to be understood. And before the infidelity, I would just let it go because I’d be like, oh, my gosh, he doesn’t get it. Stupid man. I have to let it go. Men frustrate me, men irritate me, husbands, men. And I would let it go. And after the infidelity, it was like, you know what? No. I need someone to understand me, and I need somebody who will take the time to understand me.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:51]:
And I also need to stop betraying myself, and I need to keep going with my communication to make sure that I’m understood. Now, it’s not that I need to hammer away and chase him around the house and that nothing else will get done until, by God, I’m understood. But it does mean that we make that space for each other, that he makes the space for me and that I make the space for myself, and that we have that mutual respect so I can get my needs met. And so on the flip side, he can start communicating the hard things to me as well because, again, before there were things he just didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want the fight. So we would just gloss over some stuff and he just wouldn’t tell it to me. Well, that’s not the kind of relationship he wanted either, nor did I want it. So that is that communication of the needs. And, you know, each partner gets to decide, I could have communicated, could have, could have.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:02]:
I could have communicated my needs, and my partner could have said, you know what? Not interested. He could have communicated his needs to me, and I would have been like, you know what? No, not interested in that. And that’s fair. That is so fair. You know, I’m about uncovering the truth. I always say betrayal uncovers the truth, not only about the person who betrayed us, but about ourselves and all of the things that we have failed to admit to ourselves along the way. And here’s one of those things. Sometimes we enter marriages knowing that it’s not quite right.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:55]:
Sometimes we enter relationships knowing that we’re just giving up something that we shouldn’t be giving up. We’re behaving different. We’re dressing different. We’re losing touch with friends and family in ways that don’t really work for us. We say we’re more career driven or we’re more family driven than we really are because we want to please our partner, because we want them to want us, because let’s be honest, don’t we all want to be wanted? Don’t we all want to make other people happy? Yeah, we do. And we’re like, oh, he likes microbrews. Suddenly I’m going to get really into microbrews even though I really don’t care, but I’m going to try because I know it makes him happy. There’s a fine line between exploring somebody else’s loves and being like, sure, teach me about microbrews.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:56]:
This is awesome. I don’t really like beer, but yeah, teach me about it. This will be interesting. I can support that. This will be fun. And wearing the persona of, yeah, I am a microbrew queen, and I know all about it, where inside you’re going. I don’t really like it. Fine line.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:22]:
And here’s some mistakes that I’ve made in that line before too. My husband’s a really big sports guy. I’m not there have been times where I have kind of disparaged sports. Yeah, that’s stupid. Who really cares about that? That’s not kind. I wouldn’t want a partner to do that to me. I sure wouldn’t want a partner to be like, you want to write a self help book? That’s stupid. Dan’s.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:51]:
You like dan’s. That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. No, I don’t want my partner to become who I am or totally fake it. But I do want that respect. And like I said, that’s a mistake that I’ve made in the past. I’ve disparaged some of my partners. Things that I don’t get or I don’t like or I don’t understand. That’s something that going forward, I wanted to change.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:19]:
He could have asked me to change that, and he didn’t. It was something that I noticed in myself, but that’s part of the rebuilding process. I don’t want to act like that. I don’t want to be that person. We’ve all seen women like that who are naggy and who are controlling and who are just negative and judgy. I don’t want to be her. I’ve fallen into being her occasionally. We all have.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:45]:
But I don’t want to be her. It uncovers the truth. It uncovers the truth about our own bad behavior, about our own insecurities. And it’s powerful to change that. But you’re not going to change it unless you’re honest both to yourself and to your partner. And when they’re honest to you, it’s going to hurt, and it’s going to make you feel shame or fear or discomfort. There have been things my partner has said to me, and it’s like, really? I have to sit here and face that. I don’t want to face that right now.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:34]:
But that’s the nature of how you build connection. If you’ve read my book FLAUNT!, drop your cover and reveal your smart, sexy and spiritual self, you know that I use the concept of burlesque in stripping down out of our masks, out of our costumes, out of the roles that we play, so we can face each other authentically, so we can stop judging and stop pretending. And we can really meet on that connected soul level. Because there is nothing more powerful than meeting and coming together on that connected soul level. And that’s my need. My need is to meet people on that level. My need is to have my partner meet me on that level. It’s my want.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:37]:
That’s my need. It’s my greatest desire. And because I want it, I am willing to get uncomfortable. I’m willing to feel embarrassed or unworthy or idiotic or whatever it is. I’m willing to show myself vulnerably in service of getting what I want. And like I said, because I have my respect back for my partner, giving him what he wants as well. It takes time, it’s not super comfortable but it is a worthwhile process. Again, how do you know if your needs are getting met unless you know what your needs are? And then how can your partner have any hope of fulfilling your needs? And how can you have any hope of fulfilling their needs unless you communicate those needs clearly, confidently vulnerably and have some dialogue around them too.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:01]:
Because maybe one of those needs won’t get met exactly as you’re wanting. But you can have this negotiation, you can have some mediation around it, you can have some discussion and in the discussion is where you will ascertain whether or not it’s going to work. A cheeky example and it is cheeky but so often people will throw down something that they want without really wanting it. They’ll just throw it down like and I need full access to you phone and all your passwords. Now for the record, I do think in the short run that is absolutely something that you should have and sometimes the cheating partner will throw down like yeah well we need to open up the relationship and it’s like you know what, opening up the relationship now isn’t going to undo the fact that you cheated then. But if that’s truly a conversation point that you want to have, bring it up later after we have figured out this whole infidelity thing. So sometimes we just throw these things out like I need this, I need that and it really behooves us to start talking and figuring out what is it that you really need, what is it that you really need and is this the time to have that conversation? Because now is not always the time to have every single conversation. If you are in recovery, you need to go slow.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:54]:
Right now might not be the date to figure out stuff that’s happening in six months. Right now is the time to figure out the most immediate next step. And figuring out the most immediate next step is hard because it’s so easy to get overwhelmed because we’re like family, friends, custody, money, jobs, homes, relationships, events. But asking yourself what is my most immediate next step? Is going to help you figure out what to talk about next. Maybe something is coming up with a bill. A bill needs to be paid. Kids tuition needs to be paid. A dental bill is coming up.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:37]:
You’ve moved out and you have a rent payment due. What is that most immediate thing that you need to talk about? Talk about that and when you’re framing it in terms of how do you get your needs met. A tuition payment might be a need and you need that need met because you don’t have the money and you had previously agreed to pay for your kids college tuition. And now it’s coming up and it needs to be discussed. You need to have honest conversations if you want to move forward with your partner. And you have just discovered different emails or texts. That’s something that you need to have a conversation about. Not about everything else, but maybe just about the email or text that you found.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:25]:
That’s something that I do a lot in coaching people is they send me a Voxer and they’re like, all these things are coming up and I need to figure out Christmas and we’ve got to do Halloween. And I can really help them step back and be like, okay, let’s figure out the most immediate next step. Because if you overwhelm yourself and you overwhelm your partner, it’s just scattered and you’re not going to move forward. And then you’re going to start getting unclear, what are my needs? There’s like 50 of them. Where do I stand? I don’t know. What if I communicated everything all at once and now my partner, they’re flooded and they can’t figure it out either. Being flooded, you might have heard that term. It’s literally a psychological term that when we get flooded, we truly can’t think.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:20]:
We have overwhelmed our emotions, we have overwhelmed our nervous system, we have overwhelmed our brain and our capacity to regulate. And nothing can get done because we have gone into Fight, Flight, or freeze. So a huge portion of this battle is learning how to not flood yourself, learning how to stay out of Fight, Flight, or freeze and also monitoring your partner. Going into Fight, Flight, or freeze is a normal physiological human reaction that all humans have. Some people go in quicker. Some people have a lot of tolerance built up. It has nothing to do with how good you are or how enlightened you are. It’s just the way that your body is wired.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:13]:
And if you can also be aware of your partner, your kids, your friends, if you can be aware of where their tolerance level is, you can control and guide the conversation better by not flooding them. Because if you flood them, then they’re going to start yelling or walking away. They’re going to start stonewalling and shutting you down or they’re going to start attacking. And either way you lose. And the goal here is to have your needs met so you don’t lose. So if you want your needs met, you need to help monitor them. You need to focus on the most immediate next step only and slowing down. So speaking of slowing down, let’s take a breath and chill.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:16]:
Let’s zoom out. This whole show is on getting your needs met so you can be happy, so you can have the relationship you want, the family you want, the care that you want, the friend support and friend connection that you want. This. Is about getting your needs met. First step, get some paper, open up different screens on your laptop, give them headers, relationship, family, friends, career, whatever it is, volunteering, health, well being, sleep, nutrition, and then write down what you need in each of those categories. You can even start separating them if you want into things that are negotiable and things that are non negotiable. For me, sleep is really non negotiable. If I don’t get at least seven night, 7 hours of sleep a night, I’m really not very clear.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:41]:
I’m not functional, I don’t feel good, I don’t make good decisions. Sleep is kind of a non negotiable for me, sad to say, but nutrition, nutrition is important to me, but that’s a little bit more negotiable. I don’t always make or purchase healthy meals. I will give in and grab fast food. I will grab a bowl of ice cream. I will do things with food that I know I shouldn’t always do, but it’s a little negotiable. Whereas with sleep, non negotiable in a relationship, infidelity cheating, any kind of lying, either active lying or lying by omission, no, that is not negotiable. Before, in a way, it was a little bit negotiable.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:44]:
There were things where I’d be like, just don’t tell me what you’re doing with your family. I don’t even want to know. It totally stresses me out. Now I’m like, oh, holy heck, no. Full truth all the time, every area non negotiable. But then same thing. Other things are negotiable. There’s some things around finance that’s negotiable.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:11]:
I’ve got some ideas, but I’m willing to give on it. So break down those lists of what you want, what’s negotiable, what’s not negotiable. Include things like values, prioritizing the family, that’s kind of non negotiable for me. Sure, career can and should be prioritized, I think, but you also have to prioritize the family kind of first and foremost. Make those lists then in figuring out who they need to be communicated to, think about that most immediate. Next step, what is coming up, what is the most important one thing to communicate on each list? What is the most important thing your friends need to know right now? Your friends who maybe either are or are not supporting you very well. What is the one thing you need to communicate to them? What is the one thing you need to communicate to your partner? It might be figuring out are we going to stay together? Are we going to try to work this out or not? Because that changes everything if you’re leaning in versus if you’re leaning out. And that’s a very vulnerable conversation to have because you could speak to your partner honestly and be like, you know what, I really am leaning in.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:39]:
And they’re like, and I really am just kind of lying to you, or vice versa. They could feel like, I really want to keep this relationship, but I feel too much shame and I feel too much guilt and I’m afraid that she’s going to leave me. So I’m going to play and pretend and act like I’m leaving and act like it doesn’t matter, even though it does matter to me and even though this is what I want. Having those conversations, most immediate next step, not flooding the other person, just having the conversation. Are you interested in moving forward together or not interested is different than, are you 100% committed? I’m interested in exploring more. I’m interested in seeing if we have compatible values and desires and needs and wants going forward. Are you interested in that as well? Yes or no? Now the next thing I want to talk about, now that we’ve kind of rewound zoomed out, calmed our nervous system so we don’t flood, is what’s the best way to have these conversations? What is the best way to have a difficult conversation about getting your needs met? The answer is it really does depend. And here are the things that I want you to think about when you are talking to somebody face to face, or even on the phone or on Zoom, you can see body language, you can hear inflection.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:35]:
So that helps to know if somebody is being a little bit silly and a little bit sarcastic, if somebody’s being a little bit angry and a little bit me, or if somebody’s really being authentic. So that helps. Face to face, zoom, phone, that helps. However, when you’re having a live conversation, things can move pretty darn quickly. Things can speed up and get out of hand. You can start stepping on each other’s words. Things can be misinterpreted and you don’t have time to breathe. A trigger can happen.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:14]:
It can launch somebody into anger or stress or defensiveness, and then the whole conversation is lost. Those are just two of the things I want you to think about. I’ll give you some solutions in a minute. Another thing to think about is when things are in writing, you can go back to them. Not that you’re trying to be a lawyer and trap somebody in a lie, but you’ve got evidence. You do have things written down so you can say, did I already ask this? Oh yeah, I did. What did they say? Oh yeah, they did. So you can reaffirm to yourself the things that you already know.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:59]:
Because so often it’s hard to keep all of this in our minds. It’s too much information and it’s too hard and it’s too emotional, and we get it. And on the one hand, you can’t unhear certain things, but there’s other things because of the trauma and how hard it is, you just can’t remember it either. So sometimes it’s really nice to have things in writing and then you can go back to it. And then, yes, if somebody is completely changing their tune, then it also does give you the proof that I’m not crazy, I’m not the crazy one. I’m not misremembering this. It’s not that it’s 100% proof that they’re gaslighting you or that they’re lying to you because humans make mistakes. But it also can help you to be like, whoa, this story is all over the map.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:51]:
And it keeps changing versus, okay, yeah, there’s a little room for human error. I forget if it was on a Wednesday or a Thursday or if the dress was blue or purple, but whatever. It helps you ascertain where you’re at because that’s one of the things that I know for sure. We feel crazy, don’t we? We feel like our whole world is fake. We feel like everything that we’ve relied on isn’t really there. And we’re grasping at truth and we’re grasping at straws, and we’re grasping at memories. I spent hours looking through photo albums and calendars trying to put things together in my mind. What had happened and where was this and what was that.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:41]:
So sometimes it is nice to have things in writing and then you can go back through and get a little bit obsessive. That’s okay, figuring it out. But again, in writing, there’s no body language, there’s no tone. So you just need to figure out for you, for the person that you’re communicating with, what might be best. But here’s what I want you to know for sure. No matter how you choose to do it, successful conversations are planned out. I want you to hear that again. Successful conversations care planned out always.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:23]:
No, you don’t have to memorize what you’re saying, but I really recommend outlining what you want to say. Successful business meetings start with an agenda. Successful personal communication also begins with an agenda. And usually that’s not something we think about. But if you can first ask your partner or the person you’re communicating for or communicating with for permission, I like to have a conversation about you friendship and my needs during infidelity recovery. Is now a good time? Or I like to have a conversation about some of the things that led up to the fair that led up to the affair. Is now a good time? Or I’d like to have a conversation about the things you told the other woman about is now a good time? And here’s why that’s good. It puts a fence around what you’re talking about.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:39]:
You’re not saying, I want to go talk. My husband had affairs with five different women for 15 years. If I go up to him I know it’s ridiculous, right? But if I go up to him and say, I want to talk about your affairs, oh my God, what’s going to happen to his nervous system and his brain? He’s going to flood and he’s going to shut down because he’s thinking, is she trapping me? With what? Where do I start needing to think? Where does my mind go suddenly? I mean, he’s got 15 years worth of content and five women worth of content. That’s going to send him into a panic. That’s not going to get my needs met. And the goal is to get my needs met. That’s going to send him into a panic. So put a fence around it, because this is the most immediate next step.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:31]:
What I might need to talk about right now is the financial planner secretary. What I might need to talk about right now is the woman you met on a business trip. What I might need to talk about right now is what you said on text, too. That way, their mind knows where to access the information, and they’re prepared for the conversation. And of course, conversations lead to other things, but that’s where you need to exercise some self restraint. What is your need? What is your most immediate need? Get the answers on that. Stop, and then have a conversation later. So once you have, let the person know, hey, best friend, who is really dissing me right now.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:21]:
Hey, best friend. I’d like to have a conversation about what I’m going through with infidelity. And the way I’d like to be supported. Is now a good time? You’ve gotten the permission. If they say no, you set up a time. Then again, you have stuck to that one subject. Okay, now we’re together. Let’s talk about my friendship needs and the way I really need to be supported during this journey.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:49]:
You have told them what the conversation is about. They are prepared. You are communicating clearly. You know your own needs. You know what is going to get your needs met. You know what is going to be satisfying for you. And you also know when things will devolve and you’re getting off track. And then when things start devolving and you start getting off track, and suddenly your best friend is talking about high school and the time that you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and the time that their sister blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:19]:
You are the one in control of the conversation because you were the one with the needs. You know what those needs are, and you were the ones with the desire to get those needs met. That’s the time where you can say, you know what, Bethan? Thank you so much for this. What I really wanted to talk about was my needs at this time in my life during a fair recovery. And although things that you’re saying really are relevant and there’s a lot to unpack here, I’d like to stop this conversation right now unless we can get back to talking about my needs right now, because right now, I’m hurting, and right now, I need a friend, too. And then again, you were in control. Same thing with a partner. I need to talk about what you have said in your text thread to this person.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:14]:
Perfect. If things start devolving, because you said this and you did this and I didn’t do that. My need is understanding what you said when you sent this text. I’d like to get back to that because that is the question that I want answered. That is my need that needs meeting right now. Unless we can meet that need, I don’t feel like this conversation is healthy for either of us. I feel like it’s creating more damage, and that’s not what I want. Even talking about staying together, that’s a conversation I would like to talk about.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:54]:
Are we going to explore whether or not we want to work this out? That is the topic of the conversation. If it starts devolving into, you did this and he did this and she did this and they did that, you stop it. It’s basically being an adult in a really radical way that is hard to do when you first start, because you have to be so self aware and so in control of yourself. Knowing when you’re getting flooded and you need to physically walk away, knowing when you need to take control of the conversation. Forcing yourself to be clear, to know your need, is hard. And it’s only hard because most of us haven’t been taught to do it. And it’s only hard because most of us haven’t practiced doing it. But here’s the thing.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:05]:
I’m really into learning. I’m really into habits. I’m really into all of that neuroscience around that. And did you know, while it takes around 28 to 31 days to create a new habit, it also takes about 50 expectations of something before we feel comfortable doing it. And so many times we stop before 50 repetitions because it doesn’t feel comfortable. I want you to think about playing a musical instrument. If you just walked up to a piano and you’ve never played, your hands will feel awkward on the keyboard, violin, flute, saxophone, whatever. If you pick it up, it’s going to feel awkward.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:49]:
It’s going to take about 50 times picking up that instrument before you feel comfortable. Usually it takes about 28 to 31 days to have 50 expectations. So that’s what those numbers kind of sync up with each other. But I want you to think about that in terms of getting your needs met. It’s going to feel awkward figuring out what you want. It’s going to feel awkward communicating what you want. It’s going to feel really weird setting an agenda for every interaction. But how else will you know if your needs are getting met? You’re not.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:26]:
You have to be clear and you have to be strategic, because otherwise you just fall into the same old pattern that we’ve all fallen into, which is, I’m living by default, not design. I’m just living, and I’m just getting through the next day. And sure, it was a good enough day, whatever. And that’s not what I want for you. What I want for you is a life of satisfaction, of joy, of getting your needs met, of being happy and free and fulfilled in every moment whether or not you stay together with your partner. Once again, I’m going to put on the reminder for Sparkleallseason. Www.sparkleallseason.com. I can’t wait to see you there because this is the kind of stuff that we are going to unpack and figure out.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:18]:
And in the meantime, always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough. What season are you in right now? My guess is, since you’re here, that you are probably in the season of upheaval, of being torn down, of weeping or mourning or giving up or throwing away. Right now, you are probably in a season that is not very much fun to be in. And the thing is, that’s okay, because as this verse points out, there is a time for everything. There is a season for everything. That’s why I have created sparkle all season. It’s a group program based on the wisdom of the seasons. As a member of this group, you will receive small, bite size chunks of information.
Lora Cheadle [00:58:21]:
You will receive rituals, support and accountability. So whatever season you’re in, you will get the support that you need processing, grieving, moving through whatever is difficult, and embracing what is to come. Sparkle All Season is designed to help you be okay on the inside, no matter what happens on the outside. It’s a blend of self care tools and rituals for each season that will help you stay energetic, balanced and happy. If this sounds like you, go to www.sparkleallseason.com and sign up, enter your email and your name, and you will get the information that you need. It’s only $47 for the entire fall season. That’s three months of small, bite sized chunks of information wellness, retreats, inspiration, accountability, ritual and support that will help get you through whatever season that you are in right now. I really, really look forward to connecting with you, to holding your hand, and to lovingly supporting you through this beautiful season of fall, helping you let go of whatever it is that you need to let go of right now.
Lora Cheadle [01:00:01]:
Again, www.sparkleallseason.com $47 for the entire fall season? That’s really a no brainer, and I can’t wait to see you there. Www.sparkleallseason.com this is a group for women who want to flow with the seasons, with nature and the truth of their hearts and souls. It’s for women who want to cultivate the courage to look within, uncover the truth, and get to know themselves as they authentically are. It’s for women who want to develop the confidence to show themselves without fear of judgment or repercussion. And it’s for women who want to find the freedom to be exactly as they are. So things like burnout, exhaustion and pain are a thing of the past.
Narrator [01:01:01]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT! find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal with radio host and live choreographer Lora Cheadle. Every Wednesday at 07:00 A.m and 07:00 P.m. Eastern time on syndicated Dream Vision Seven Radio Network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through Betrayal Recovery guide@nakedselfworth.com.