Read the Blog on Feeling Sexy Again After Divorce or Infidelity here: https://loracheadle.com/finding-your-sexy-after-infidelity-or-divorce/

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Transcript

Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
By BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time. And for the first month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:05]:
BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a a private online environment at your convenience. There’s a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp’s twenty thousand plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under twenty four hours. And then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus, you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know that confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through, to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:01]:
You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime. Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp therapist. Special offer to flaunt, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/flaunt. That’s betterhelp, h e l p, Com / flaunt, f l a u n t. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast. So before we get into today’s show, I want to say a couple of things. I want to let you know that this show is about sex and kind of some candid things about sex after infidelity.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:02]:
So it might not be the best show to play if you’ve got kids around or if you’re in public. And I just wanted to give you that warning because, because it’s important. I think it’s important just to be aware of what’s going on. Here’s the thing. Sex after infidelity is challenging. And oftentimes, we fall into one of two camps. And either we are totally disgusted by it, and we never think we can get the spark back again and we don’t want to, or we are hyperfawning seeking to prove our worth and hysterical bonding through sex. And both of those experiences are normal.

Lora Cheadle [00:03:42]:
I’ll talk about them quite a lot in the show. But I just wanted you to have kind of a little heads up that we’re gonna talk very candidly about sex and whatever you’re experiencing is perfect. And at the end of the show, I’m also going to be giving you a three week plan, for you to get the spark back in your relationship if that’s what you want or for you to find peace and to stop hysterical bonding, if that’s what you want. So sit back, grab some tea, get a pen if you wanna take some notes, because this three week plan really will be helpful for you. So with that, take care, and I will see you on the other side of the show. Bye. Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:36]:
I’m Laura Cheadle, and today, we’re not really doing a podcast. I have no idea how long this is gonna go. It might be five minutes. It might be twenty five minutes. It might be a hundred and five minutes. No. It’s not gonna be that long. I just wanna have a conversation today.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:51]:
I wanna have a conversation about sex today. I I just got a question in my Facebook group. First of all, if you’re not in my Facebook group, it’s a fair recovery for women, flourish after infidelity or betrayal. Please join us. And if you’re in the community, please continue to ask your questions because it’s your questions that guide me in knowing what to answer. So that said, join the community. If you’re in the community, continue to ask questions so I can continue to serve you. I have had a question in that community about from a woman who did not was not ready to be intimate with her intimate partner again and was wondering if there was anything she could do to help spark her desire to let go of her feeling of ick.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:50]:
I also had, a woman that I was coaching with last week asked me a similar question yet on the other side. She was like, is it normal that all I want is sex? I need sex every day. If he does not have sex with me, if he does not initiate it, I feel really threatened because I feel like I need this every single day to prove that we are connected and we are committed. I know for myself and my own experience, I I went through both. There were moments of that hysterical bonding where I was like, I’m gonna do this, and it’s gonna be great. And there were moments where I was like, you are the most disgusting human on the planet. And, sure, I’ll live with you and I’ll parent with you, but I will never sleep with you again because this is disgusting. So the reason that I started this conversation, and it is a conversation, the reason I started this conversation where I did was to let you know that there’s extremes.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:57]:
And wherever you are at along that continuum of hysterical bonding or you’re totally disgusting me, I want you to know first and foremost, you’re normal. You are totally normal. One of the quotes that helped me get through this time, this situation, was an abnormal response to an abnormal situation is normal. And it just it brings up so much. It makes me wanna cry, you know, that we’re even here, that we even have to be in this abnormal situation. And then also the relief of knowing that however you feel, however you feel right now is normal. And I wanna start there. The second place I wanna go with this is that knowingness that wherever you’re at, it’s probably going to change.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:03]:
Wherever you’re at is probably not going to be where you’re at forever. Even though you might be hysterically bonding right now or completely disgusted right now, chances are high that you’re gonna flip to the alternate extreme and then back and then back again another few times. So what can you do to remind yourself that where I’m at right now is a temporary state? Maybe you can write literally write a note to yourself. I I wrote stickies to myself all the time. I still do. It’s it’s actually a really good method to remind yourself this too shall pass. This too shall pass. And to then ask yourself, what do you need in the moment? What do I need in this moment? Because okay.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:03]:
Let’s get really candid with some things. Sex can be really fun. It can feel really good. It can be really fulfilling on a number of different levels. Just pure physical, it can just be that you need or want something physically, and this is a person that you’ve gone to before. There’s nothing wrong with going to them again if you are okay with that. If you’re like, my body just needs some sex right now, and this is a person that I know can make me feel good. Go for it.

Lora Cheadle [00:09:40]:
You know what I mean? Go for it. I can look back on times in the past, and I know we’ve all done this. We’ve all been there, where I didn’t wanna have sex because I was trying to prove something. Because we weren’t emotionally connected, and I was mad about it, or I was sad about it, or I was hurt or angry because of it, and I didn’t have sex. And that’s your right, and that’s your boundary. And you can do whatever the heck you want with your body whenever the heck you wanna do it, quite honestly. But there’s this also awareness of when am I cutting myself out of something that I would other in otherwise enjoy simply to prove a point. And I want you to think about that.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:34]:
When are you cutting yourself off from enjoyment, from fulfillment, from connection, or maybe not even connection? When are you just cutting yourself off to prove a point? And are you happier and more fulfilled because you proved that point? And did you really prove that point? Or did the other person not really get what you were trying to do anyway, and you lost out on a good time? These aren’t questions I can answer for you because they’re really situation dependent. I’m just saying, I know for me, there were times I was in my head, I was in the self righteous story. I was like, I’m not gonna do this, and he’s gonna do blah blah blah blah blah. And I was in the story. Did I prove anything to him? No. What did my self righteousness earn me? Did it earn me points in heaven? Probably not. Because that’s not what it’s about. But if you believe that’s what it’s about, and if you really believe and feel good about yourself because of your self righteousness, then great.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:45]:
Own it and be it. But I know for me, I’ve wasted a lot of time and joy being that self righteous person, and it really didn’t give me anything. And I didn’t teach the other person anything. I didn’t prove my point. I just ticked them off. Again, these aren’t questions I can answer for you. I can only let you in on some of the thinking, some of the ways I thought, some of the things that I did, and I can share some of my experience over what did it get me versus what it didn’t get me. And it’s not that I’m, like, intentionally gonna withhold sex.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:33]:
That’s not that’s not what it was about. It wasn’t about withholding sex. It wasn’t even about me authentically being in my boundary, and I think that’s what this point is. It was about me trying to prove something. It was about me manipulating a situation in a way that really wasn’t authentic. I wasn’t clear with myself, let alone with my partner, that I’m hurt, I’m threatened, I’m feeling disconnected. I didn’t use the words and I didn’t communicate. I used sex as a medium, as a method to communicate thinking, oh, he’ll get the message and hurt myself in the process.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:25]:
And that’s the thing that I wanna come back down to is hurting myself in the process. If I’m holding a boundary and authentically connected to my feelings, that’s what matters. So does your partner make you go, ick? Do you look at them and think, where did you stick that thing and you’re never coming near me again? That’s a valid thought. A lot of people say that. I hope that wasn’t too crude for you, but you know what? That’s what people say, and that’s what I’ve heard time and time again. If that’s where you’re at, be where you’re at. You can’t be anywhere else except where you’re at, so stop trying. If you’re thinking ick, feel ick.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:11]:
But here’s where I want you to go with that ick. Identify this is where I’m at, and this is where I want to be. I want to feel turned on. I want to want you. I want to be intimate again. So there’s that gap. Here’s where I am. Ick, you gross me out.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:30]:
Here’s where I want to be. You’re just my love, and we have so much fun together. Identify that gap, and don’t judge it. I think that’s the most important thing I wanna say. Don’t judge it. Just identify, here is the gap. Get comfortable with that gap with yourself. Then when you’re comfortable with that gap with yourself, then that’s something you can communicate to your partner.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:59]:
I want to be in a loving physical relationship with you. And right now, I’m in the x. You don’t need to go through all the stuff with him. You don’t need to be, you disgust me, and I can’t believe he knows it. Trust me. He knows it. If he doesn’t, that’s another problem. But he knows it.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:19]:
He knows why it’s icky to you. It’s icky to you because it’s threatening to you. Because first of all, it’s not making your body safe. Sexually transmitted diseases are a thing. I hope you’ve been tested. I hope he’s been tested. But that fear, that wanting to protect yourself, that’s a healthy response. So if you’re saying ich, that’s a healthy response because it’s your mind and your body saying, ew, risk, threat.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:49]:
I don’t wanna go there. Honor your body. Don’t override your body. Emotionally speaking. I’m just thinking there’s, like, four things I wanna say all at the same time. But emotionally speaking, it’s a threat when your partner, the one who’s supposed to cherish you above all else, is sleeping with somebody else. That’s an emotional threat. There’s the physical threat of disease, but there’s also the emotional threat.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:18]:
Who will he prioritize over me? How am I being hurt? If you’ve got kids, I’m not protecting my kids. I’m not there’s that emotional level of threat also. Of course, you don’t wanna have sex. Why would you open yourself up to somebody who you think can hurt you emotionally, physically or emotionally. So those are those two layers of threat. Be where you’re at. Identify where you’re at. Identify where you wanna be.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:44]:
It makes sense for you not to wanna have sex. So you’re identifying it. Go within and let yourself know, of course, you make sense. Sometimes we beat up on ourselves. Why do I feel this way? Why do I The best way to get through that is to affirm for yourself that the way I think and the way I feel makes sense. I’m gonna externally validate you. The way you think and the way you feel makes sense. It makes sense if you never wanna have sex again, and it makes sense if you wanna have sex every single day and all the time and you feel threatened if you’re not having sex.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:23]:
That makes sense too because sex is a way that we claim people. It’s a physical affirmation. It’s a validation. I’m choosing you and you’re choosing me. And then there’s that manipulative subconscious belief of if he’s having sex with me and he really, really loves it, it’s gonna be amazing and he’s not gonna wanna have sex with anybody else. I win. I win. I’m the best.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:44]:
I’m the best in bed. I’m the prettiest. I’m the hottest. I’m the sexiest. All of that. That makes sense too. It all makes sense. Because an abnormal response to an abnormal situation is normal, and it makes sense.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:01]:
If you’re having sex all the time and you’re like, this is weird and exhausting, identify how you wanna be. I wanna be comfortable if we’re having sex, and I wanna be comfortable if we’re not having sex. I don’t wanna put a sign any meaning to this. If he’s tired and goes to bed, if he loses an erection, I wanna realize it’s not about me because it’s not. And I wanna be so confident and comfortable in that that I’m like, yeah, it’s not about me. It’s about him. And I wanna be able to still feel good about myself and still feel safe and still feel secure. Where you’re at, where you wanna be, identify it.

Lora Cheadle [00:18:38]:
Get clear in the story yourself. Then you can start communicating it with your partner. I feel so insecure when you don’t wanna have sex with me all the time. When you lose an erection, when you don’t seem that excited, when you’re not reaching for me every single night, I feel so unworthy. I’m not asking you to do something different. I am expressing to you how I feel. And then validate for yourself, and it makes sense because it does make sense. It makes sense that you wanna have sex all the time.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:14]:
It makes sex sense that you feel threatened if you’re not. It makes sense that you never want to have him come near you again. It all makes sense. And that’s that first place is just accepting. You know, the golden center of flaunt is AU, which stands for accept unconditionally, and that’s where the magic happens. How do we accept unconditionally? By getting clear on what it is, where we’re at, where we want to be, identifying that gap, and then validating for ourselves that how we feel makes sense. That where we are at makes sense because guess what? It does. It absolutely does.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:59]:
Now once you’re at peace with that, that’s when your mind starts relaxing. That’s when your nervous system starts calming down. That’s where you can relax, and then things can start to shift. And they start to shift naturally. And I think that’s the biggest thing that I want to convey to you is you’re not broken. This is not wrong. You are not broken. You’re not this is not a problem.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:32]:
You have a desire, and your desire is to feel differently. So how do you feel differently? Well, by relaxing about the way you’re feeling, by realizing you’re not wrong, by realizing it all makes sense, then you start relaxing into something different. And I know, like me, so many of you out there are high achievers and you’re go getters, and you’re like, and I wanna change things, and I wanna make sense of things now, and I want to I want it to be different now, and I wanna do the things. Tell me the steps, Laura. I will do the steps. If I had a dollar for every woman that I have coached that is like, just tell me the steps, and I’ll do it. And I’m like, I can tell you a lot of the steps, but some of the steps involve not doing. Some of the steps involve feeling and dropping in, and they’re like, dang it.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:31]:
I would so much rather do something than just feel and be. And I get that. Oh my gosh. I get that. First step is feel and be and acknowledge and accept. But for those of you who are doers and you insist on knowing the rest of the story, here’s here’s here’s what I’m gonna tell you. On YouTube, I have got, several flirtorial challenges. What is a flirtorial? It is a combination of flirt and tutorial.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:04]:
And the energy and the idea around a flirtorial is to teach you how to flirt and why before you’re like, what? Press pause. I’m out of here. Let me tell you. Flirting is not about flirting with the other person. Flirting is about lighting yourself up on the inside. Flirting is about you. It’s not about the other person. I have so much juicy material on this, on lap dances, which is about you.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:33]:
It’s not about your partner. About sexy dance, about flirting, which is all about you. Such a common misperception is being sexy is about looking or acting a certain way to entice the other person, and that’s not what it is. That’s why so many of us feel icky. It’s not pandering to the male gaze. It’s not making yourself different to make yourself appealing. It’s about doing things that make you feel good about yourself, and it’s not even about sex. I think that’s what’s one of the things that is so frustrating.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:15]:
It’s about lighting yourself up for the joy of lighting yourself up and being in that state of fullness and full appreciation and love for yourself and full connection and joy for yourself. And when we are so fully connected to ourselves and our joy and our presence, and when we know what makes us feel alive and good, that is when we become magnetic to other people. Not in a, oh, I’m gonna turn you on sort of a way, but in a, oh my gosh, the full connected human experience, the full heart opening love and trust experience. And that’s that’s what it’s all about. And I’m gonna put the links to all of these videos, in the show notes because you’re absolutely gonna wanna check it out. People we’re I’m just gonna say more about sexy, turn on, flirt, all that stuff. It’s an energy. It is an energy, and it’s a way of being.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:27]:
And when you radiate that self love and that power and that joy, you feel so good and those around you respond in kind. And there’s so much misunderstanding around some of my work when I talk about sex. Like, even the title of my first book is Flaunt. Drop your cover and reveal your smart, sexy, and spiritual self. And the word sexy gets people going. It’s like claws out. And especially after infidelity, I get it because one of those core fears is, is the other woman sexier than I am? Is the other woman prettier than I am? Is she thinner, younger, hotter, better in bed, whatever it is? And that’s the bastardized version of sexy. Sexy is that internal energy.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:21]:
It’s that awareness of who you are. It is a state of being that has nothing to do with sex, but has everything to do with appreciation and joy and awareness and love of yourself and what you deserve. And your birthright is to feel good. Your birthright is to feel powerful. Your birthright is to live really in that state of full self expression, in that state of want because you’re comfortable, because you’re confident, because you’re happy, because you’re filled with joy. And that’s what really being sexy is about. So the show is about, how do I get the spark back? You get the spark back by not focusing on the other person and by not focusing on the spark at all, but by focusing on you and your own joy. You get the spark back by laughing and loving and feeling good in yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:27]:
I love wearing makeup. I love wearing eye shadow. I love doing lipstick. I love doing the different I love playing on my face. Not because I wanna attract attention from men so they can think that I’m hot, and they can wanna have sex with me. Not so I can turn my husband on, and so he thinks that he’s married a goddess, but because I enjoy playing with it. And I feel good when I look in the mirror, and I’m like, woo hoo. It’s about me.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:02]:
If somebody else gets a benefit, that’s great. Woo hoo. But it’s about me. Like, right now, I’m playing with my hair on Zoom. Whether you’re watching this, because I am posting it on YouTube, or whether you’re listening to it, I’m not playing with my hair for you. I’m playing with it because of me and because I like to make myself pleasing to me. It’s all about me. I like I’m wearing hot pink, and I have a necklace that has little gummy bears on it because it’s fun for me, because it gets me excited.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:50]:
I’m not going anywhere today. I’m not seeing anyone today. I am wearing my fun little gummy bear necklace and wearing pink because it pleases me. I might even take it off before my husband gets home. I don’t know how he’s gonna see me. I don’t care how he’s gonna see me. I am pleasing me. And that’s what you’re gonna get when you watch some of these floratorial videos because it’s about making you hyper aware of your state of being.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:22]:
And if you’re in a state of joy or if you’re in a state of proving yourself, If you’re in a state of appreciation for yourself, it means that if you think somebody else is icky, you still appreciate yourself enough to stay away from them and to be able to communicate and be like, I’m not up for that right now. It also means that you appreciate yourself enough that if you’re like, I physically need sex. Don’t care about the emotional aspect of things. I physically need sex and you’re the person to do it. Hey. Do you wanna have sex? That you will. And that if you’re also in a state where you’re like, I need that emotional connection before I have sex. I can’t do that right now because I don’t feel emotionally safe with you, and I don’t feel connected, so I’m not gonna do it.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:09]:
I won’t. And you appreciate yourself enough to know that if I’m feeling insecure and I need that hyperbonding right now, that you do it. It’s that appreciation for yourself. That’s what these flirtorials are all about. That’s what my sexy lap dance videos are all about. It’s returning you to a connection with your body and your heart and your mind in a place of honesty and in a place of vulnerability. That’s what it’s about. That’s what I’m talking about when I talk about sexiness for you.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:49]:
It’s not about pleasing the other person. It’s about feeling alive within your own skin. And it’s about honoring and appreciating yourself wherever you’re at. And realizing that where you’re at now is a really difficult place to be, and you won’t be there forever. This too shall pass. Notice where you’re at. Notice where you wanna be. Don’t judge the gap.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:24]:
See if you can communicate around that gap. But above all, appreciate yourself and honor yourself. And get what you need and get what you want. And if you want sex, take it. And if you don’t want sex, don’t. If you want something, take it. If you want to feel your face, feel your face. If you wanna feel your hands, feel your hands.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:52]:
If you wanna put your hands on your chest, put your hands on your chest. But right now, feel your body. Physically touch your body and remind yourself, this is me. This is me. I have a body. I have a body, and I can do what I want with my body, which means drawing boundaries around, nope. I’m not gonna let your body touch mine, or, yes, I am, but these are the circumstances under which I will allow my body to be touched by you. Touch your arms.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:23]:
Touch your legs. I’m truly asking you to do it. Remind yourself, this is my body. I inhabit my body. I control my body. I get to do what I want with my body. Now breathe. And I want you to move within your body.

Lora Cheadle [00:31:46]:
I want you to move into your emotions, into your feelings. I feel I feel disgusted. I feel threatened. I feel like I’ve gotta prove myself. I feel terrified. I feel confused. Identify all of those things that you feel. Your feelings are not your body.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:21]:
Your body is not your feeling. You touched your body. That’s a physical solid thing. Now feel those emotions. You can’t feel them by touching them. You feel them by identifying them. You make them real when you speak them, when you identify them. I am threatened.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:45]:
I am disgusted. I am lonely. I am in need of love. Take those emotions. Keep it going. If you wanna write them down, write them down. And then just like you identified the gap before, this is where I am and this is where I wanna be. Feel those emotions.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:13]:
I am in pain. I’m afraid. I’m terrified. I’m gutted. I’m shattered. Feel those things. Now speak about the other side. Where is it that you want to be? If you’re saying I feel shattered, do you want to feel whole? I wanna be whole.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:34]:
If you’re terrified, what is the other side? I want to be secure. Speak to that other side. I am lonely. I wanna be connected and start affirming everything on the other side. I am connected. I am secure. I am loved. I am chosen.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:02]:
I am cherished. I am certain. I am getting my needs met. I am, oh, all sexy and feeling it. I am enjoying sex. Oh my god. I am enjoying sex. I am comfortable having sex.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:27]:
I am aware of when and why and how I have sex. I am in control when I have sex. Speaking to everything on the other side highlights, again, just like we did, where you’re at, where you wanna be, and what that gap looks like. And now relax. Relax. Be where you’re at. Feel that sexy. Feel that energy.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:03]:
Feel that peace and that calm and that confidence that this is where I’m at. I’m in the ick right now. It’s awesome. I’m in the ick. I’m in the hyperbonding right now. I’m in the ick right now. I’m in the I have no idea where I am right now. Own it and claim it, and just breathe with that.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:24]:
Your job for the next week is to be where you’re at, to not try to change it, to just be where you’re at, and to find that acceptance within you, within your heart, within your soul about where you are at. Can you do that? Yes. You can. Is it gonna be hard? Yeah. It might be, but that’s okay. Be where you are at. Now step two. And do not rush this.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:02]:
Do not rush this. If you need to pause this episode, click pause. But before you click pause, mark on your calendar, send yourself a calendar invite, however you keep track of things, and then come back to this episode at this point in time in a week. But I do not want you doing anything for a week except being where you’re at. I’m in the ick. I’m in the I have no freaking idea. I’m in the hyperbonding. I’m in the whatever it is.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:32]:
In one week’s time, come back. Come back to this, and we’re gonna do this little exercise together. And it’s gonna feel so good. And, ideally, I’d like you to do this either in the mirror or find the YouTube of this and put me in your face, and we’re gonna do this together. But we’re gonna have a little rant. We’re gonna have a little rant over all of these amazing things that have happened for you. Oh my gosh. I cannot believe it, Laura.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:09]:
I was where I was at for a week. And then after that week, I just felt this sense of calm that really permeated me. And I’m okay with where I’m at, and you wouldn’t believe what happened. This balance came back into my life. This balance came back into my life where I am really ready. I’m ready for sex. I’m ready for connection. I’m ready for a healthy balance around sex.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:35]:
I I’m getting turned on again. I’m getting curious again. I am looking at my partner, and I’m seeing them in a totally new light, and it’s really fun. And the affair stories, they’re just kind of gone in that moment. I am not haunted because I know how I feel and I know who I am. And I know how to start or stop things by using my boundaries, by using my voice, and I feel so good. I feel so healthily turned on by myself, not even necessarily by my partner. I just feel healthily turned on by life.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:15]:
I feel ready to explore myself and my body and my emotions again. And I just feel I just feel so healthy, and I feel so excited and curious for what’s to come. And it’s this internal sense of confidence that I feel. I feel confident that I’m totally enough. I am totally enough. It’s not really about me being enough for anybody else. I know I’m enough for myself, and sometimes it’s even hard to explain. But I know I’m enough, and I know I deserve a really fun sex life.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:57]:
And I know that that can change and that that can be moment to moment for me. But I just feel such a level of peace and acceptance around this that it’s about me, and I deserve to feel good, and I deserve to play in this way. I deserve to let my body go. I deserve to let my heart go. I deserve a safe and loving relationship, and I deserve this kind of sexual pleasure and joy. It’s so weird, but I just feel that it’s about me. And when I no longer have to perform sex or prove sex, it’s so freeing. And I’m thinking about things so differently.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:44]:
In just one week’s time, I am thinking about things so differently, and it’s interesting. And it’s freeing. I I just keep going back to that word freeing, but it’s freeing. I don’t have to worry about being turned on or getting the spark back. When it’s back, it’s back. And when it’s not, it’s not. And either way, it’s fine. And when I want sex, I do.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:09]:
And when I don’t, I don’t because it’s really about me in a whole different way. And pause and look at me or look at yourself in the mirror and keep going with those truths from you. Keep speaking aloud about all of those shifts that happened, the shifts that surprised you, the shifts that you hoped for, the shifts that were exactly what you wanted. Just keep talking about those like that. Like, you were telling me because you are telling me. You’re telling me everything that happened in this last week. You’re just ranting about it. Oh my gosh.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:51]:
You wouldn’t believe. I’m there now. Here’s where I wanted to be, and here’s what it’s like to be there. Tell me what it’s like to be there. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:58]:
Go. Tell me everything. Speak it aloud. Affirm it. Can you believe it? In one week’s time, I feel so enlivened. In one week’s time, I feel so relieved. I feel so whatever it is. Speak it.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:16]:
Speak it. Speak it. Speak it. Speak it. But don’t speak it for a week. Come back to that. So those are my steps. Get in your body.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:33]:
Do the flirtorial videos because they’re for you. Do the lap dance video because it’s for you. Be present with where you’re at. Identify the gap. Get comfortable and just stop for a week. And then in a week, come back and affirm all of these changes that happened. And here’s the thing. Whether they happened or not is irrelevant.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:58]:
I want you to speak it as if this were the biggest transformation you have ever had in your life. Speak it as if everything shifted. Feel the energy of that shift, and then just go about your day. Go about your time. Because when you identify that gap, get present with it, be okay, and then speak and feel into how you want it to be, that’s how your body, your mind, your nervous system, your energy field, that’s how it knows how to get there. It knows how to get there because you have guided it there. You have walked the path once. You have taken this journey and then your body’s like, oh, I can get there.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:52]:
Doesn’t matter if that journey is real or not. That’s one of the reasons that I always use hypnotherapy when I coach people. Did you know the mind doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality? That’s why at night when you dream you’re slipping, your body goes and it jerks, then it’ll jerk you awake. Because your mind doesn’t know the difference. Your mind doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. So in hypnosis, we feed the mind the reality that we want to step into. And that’s what you’re doing when you do this happy rant over all the changes that took place and how you feel. I feel that spark back.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:36]:
I am so ready to move and groove and get that action. And in fact, this is the best sex we’ve ever had. I had no idea it could be this good. I had no idea I could be this uninhibited and free. I had no idea my body could do that. Did you know my body could do that? Oh my god. I had no idea my body could do that. Did you know we could come together this way? Holy cow.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:59]:
When you feel into that and the excitement into that, then your body knows how to go there because your mind doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality, so you’ve just taken it there. Now it knows. Now you know. Here’s the path. I have created the path. That is the key. You have to create the path. If you can’t create the path, that’s where you get a coach.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:24]:
That’s why you get a coach because they can help you create the path. You can’t go anywhere that you don’t believe in. If you can’t create it for yourself, get somebody to help you create it, and then you can go there. So do your happy rant. Share your happy rant. You can share it in the Facebook group. We can check back in in a week, see how it’s going, see what you’re doing, but check back in. Happy rant, happy rant, happy rant.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:59]:
Two week process here. One week, one week of just feeling it, being where I’m at, not worrying, not trying to change. Week number two, happy rant. Oh my gosh, all these changes. Rant happy for an entire week. Do nothing for an entire week. Rant happy for an entire week about all the amazing things that have changed. That third week, release.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:25]:
Let it all go. You’ll be surprised at what kicks in on that third week. Okay? I hope this was helpful. I hope with everything, with every fiber of my being that you do this. You relax and you release for a week, and then you’re happy, right, for a week. Because it will change the way that you feel. I I’m gonna say it again. Do the floratorials.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:51]:
Do the, sexy lap dance. Now is a really good time to change your thoughts and your beliefs around sex anyway. Because, again, if you’re anything like most of the women that I work with, we don’t have perfect sex lives. There are things we wish were different. And, again, one of the gifts of infidelity is it gives us the opportunity to rewrite the script and to rebuild a relationship. And, yeah, that relationship can include things like respecting each other in different ways and fighting differently and communicating differently. But it can also include the way we have sex and making our sex lives lives different. So how do you want your sex life to be now? Do you wanna get more in touch with your own body? Do you want to have your partner learn different skills and tools and things to do in bed.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:54]:
Now’s a really good time to do that. Have you felt too pushed by your partner and you wanna put some very clear boundaries in place? Now’s your chance. Now is your chance. So sex is fun. Not having sex is fun. Hyperbonding is fun. It’s all fine. Wherever you’re at, it’s fine.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:20]:
Stop the judgment around it. Identify where you’re at. Identify where you want to be. Know that you are normal. Know that I’ve got your back. I can help you create that path of where you want to be. I can also just help affirm and validate where you’re at right now. It’s all good.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:42]:
Again, join the Facebook group. If you’re not if you’re already in the Facebook group, let’s talk about this. Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. That earworm is gonna be in your ear all day. But, yeah, let’s talk about sex. It’s a really important topic of conversation.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:07]:
You’re normal. You’re fine. You’re good. You don’t have to be any different than you are right now. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. Life can really knock you down sometimes, especially after a tough breakup or when someone betrays your trust. It’s hard to remember your own value when the people who should have treasured you didn’t.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:35]:
But I’m here to tell you that loving yourself again is possible even after infidelity. It takes time and intentional effort, but it can be done. That’s where the mindful souls subscription box comes in. It’s like getting a monthly dose of me time delivered straight to your door. Inside, you’ll find all sorts of goodies, natural crystals, gorgeous gem jewelry, essential oils, and many other pampering tools. It’s a nice little reminder that, hey, you do deserve to feel good. I know that most of you are crazy busy. You’ve got a ton of people counting on you, and taking care of yourself usually ends up at the bottom of your to do list.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:19]:
But that’s what’s so great about this subscription. They don’t just deliver everything you need for your self care moments. They also give you real, practical tips on how to make self care work for you no matter how hectic your life gets. I’ve been a diehard fan of the Mindful Box for a while now, so the Mindful Souls family sent me a special treat for all of you. If you use the discount code Laura twenty five, you’ll get 25% off your order. That’s l o r a 25. So head over to mindfulsouls.com and grab your box.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:00]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Laura Cheadle every Wednesday at 7AM and 7PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision seven radio network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.