fix yoru cheating partner

Do you ever get frustrated that your partner just won’t listen? If you are anything like me, you see your partner, and all of his flaws, pretty darned clearly. You’ve said (or at least thought) things like, “If he would just _____, then things would be so much easier!” And it’s true. If your partner would just take responsibility for their actions, atone for their mistakes, admit what they did, show you their phone, cut it off with the other woman, get on the same page as you, value the same things that you value, and do what you know they need to do, things would be easier!

Here’s how to do that: Get your partner a map. Show them the path to recovery. Create a proven affair-recovery strategy and work your plan. Men love instructions. They love to be successful, solve problems, and see results. You already know that men stop trying because they won’t stop and ask for directions! They would sometimes rather quit than fail. Don’t let them fail. Give them a proven strategy they can follow and let them fight for a successful resolution to the problem that they created!

Top Take-a-Ways:
  • Deciding how you want to clean up this affair mess that you are in, through no fault of your own.
  • Getting your partner on the same page as you, so you can relax because you know what progress is being made.
  • Why having an Affair Recovery Strategy is the number one most important step you can take to heal after infidelity and betrayal.

Schedule your Couple’s Strategy Session Here: For only $198 you and your partner can get the roadmap you need to recover more quickly, and with fewer mistakes!


Need Help Now? Get the understanding, clarity, & support you deserve today!

Schedule your one-hour breakthrough Zoom session with Lora today. Together we will figure out where you are at, what’s blocking you from being where you want to be and design a clear strategy for how to get you there.

*BONUS!* This session includes 30 minutes of follow-up support. Schedule and pay here:


About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at


Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at and follow me across all social!




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Speaker A [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at

Speaker B [00:00:35]:
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, and for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help.

Speaker B [00:01:12]:
You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There’s a broad range of expertise in Better Help’s 20,000 plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus, you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know that confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening, and it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through, to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime. Join the 2,000,000 plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp therapist.

Speaker B [00:02:15]:
Special offer to FLAUNT!, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at FLAUNT!. That’s FLAUNT!, FLAUNT!. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast.

Speaker C [00:02:51]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and today, we are going to address one of the things that I hear most often from the people that I work with, and that is, how do I fix my partner? How do I get my partner on board? Oh my gosh. I see this so clearly. And my partner, what is going on with them? Their brain must be somewhere on another planet because we are not on the same page and how do I fix them? And the other thing that I hear around that a lot is, I didn’t cheat. I didn’t walk out on my marriage. I don’t have these issues. Why do I have to lean in? Why do I have to get counseling or coaching when it was my partner who did this? And how can I get my partner to see that? And how can I get my partner to get the counseling that they need or the coaching that they need? And why is this suddenly about me? Because it’s not my problem.

Speaker C [00:03:58]:
So that is what we are going to talk about today because, first, I wanna say you’re right. Like, you’re right. You’re not the one that cheated. Yeah. You didn’t make the bad choices, so it’s really unfair to be put in the position of then having to clean this up. Here’s an analogy that I love. If you don’t have a dog, but your neighbor has a dog, and your neighbor’s dog comes bursting into your house and poops all over the floor and then leaves. It’s not like you didn’t cause it.

Speaker C [00:04:41]:
You didn’t have the dog. Your neighbor’s dog came in and pooped all over the floor. Ew. But it’s in your living room. The dog poop is in your living room, and you now are tasked with cleaning it up. Is it fair? No. It’s not fair at all. But sadly, it’s just the way it is, and you have a choice.

Speaker C [00:05:03]:
You can clean it up, and you can clean it up really, really well. So there’s no stain left. There’s no smell left. And will it inconvenience you? Yes. Is it gonna be icky? Yeah. Are you gonna enjoy it? Probably not. But it’ll be clean, and then you’ll have your living room back and you’ll be happy. Or another option is to just clean it up a little bit, To get a paper towel and kind of wipe and the poop smears into the carpet and it’s gross and you just kinda wipe it up, But there’s still that achy residue, ew, and it still smells.

Speaker C [00:05:46]:
And there’s a stain there, and everybody can tell, like, woah. What happened to your carpet? And, eventually, the whole room starts smelling. And then it’s just not very satisfying. So then you start doing things like air freshener and spraying it with Febreze, and it’s just never quite good enough. And you never enjoy your living room the same way again because there’s a stain, because there’s a smell, because it’s icky. Another way to deal with it is to get another rug. Get, like, a throw rug and put it over it. Sweep it under the rug.

Speaker C [00:06:25]:
Literally cover it up. And then, ta da, you can’t see anything, But it’s still there. It’s still there. It just has the throw rug on top of it. And sometime you’re gonna have to move that throw rug or that throw rug actually squishes the poop around and makes it worse. And then the poop kinda starts squishing up through the throw rug, and then pretty soon, the smell is back. And pretty soon, you’ve created a bigger mess because now not only is the original carpet gross and disgusting, but now the backside of the throw rug is gross and disgusting. And now instead of just having one thing to clean, you’ve got 2 things to clean.

Speaker C [00:07:08]:
You’ve gotta clean your original carpet and you’ve gotta clean the throw rug, and the poop is spread out, and it’s worse. So with that lovely description, let’s move forward and talk about what are some of the options that you’re gonna do. Yeah. Your partner cheated. It wasn’t you. You didn’t make the decision. You so many of the men who cheat, have got a trauma background. They are cheating because of this because of stress and because of their trauma background.

Speaker C [00:07:39]:
And so many of the women that I work with, they’re like, I don’t have that. No. You didn’t make this decision. No. You don’t have a trauma past to clean up. No. You’re not dealing with self esteem issues the way that maybe your partner is. You’re not dealing with all of these things.

Speaker C [00:07:55]:
So holy cow. Why are you here? Why do you have to do it? It’s not fair. It’s not fair. I just wanna say that. It’s not fair. You’re right. It’s not fair. But then the question becomes, so what are you gonna do about it? It’s not fair when your neighbor’s dog comes in and poops on your carpet either.

Speaker C [00:08:19]:
But what are you going to do? And I went through all those different options, throw rug, clean it up a little bit, clean it up well. What do you choose? What do you choose? I personally believe that the best option is to clean it up well And not only clean it up well to the point that there’s no stain and there’s no, smell, but I’m also a proponent of cleaning the whole room. You know, as long as you’re cleaning that spot, let’s clean the whole carpet. Let’s call in a carpet cleaner and let’s clean the whole carpet. And as long as we’re cleaning the whole carpet and you’re moving the couch out of the way anyway, let’s flip up those couch cushions and let’s clean out those dust bunnies, and let’s get into the corner, and let’s wipe the baseboards down. And, you know, the blinds, boy, do they collect a lot of dust. Let’s wash those blinds. And you know what? It’s actually a time to update this floral thing that I have hanging above the fireplace.

Speaker C [00:09:21]:
That looked great in the nineties, but it just doesn’t look so great now. It’s been there literally forever. And now that I look at it, it’s faded. It’s out of style. And, you know, that shabby chic look, it’s just not so much of a thing anymore. I’m gonna update it. I’m gonna do something a little bit more modern, and I’m just gonna go update and clean this whole room. And that is what I am a proponent of.

Speaker C [00:09:47]:
Not only cleaning up the mess, but as long as you’re in there, let’s make the room the way that you like it. Whether that is your marriage or your relationship with yourself. Let’s clean it up. Let’s make it really, really good. Chances are you don’t have the same issues as your spouse because you’re not the one who cheated, but I know it’s gonna hurt to hear this. You probably do have some other issues that you could clean up too. I like to say the betrayal uncovers the truth, and not only the truth about the other person, but the truth about yourself and about all the things that you’ve kinda glossed over, about all the things that you haven’t addressed. And you know what? What a better time to address them than right now when the room is already torn apart, when the carpet’s already damp.

Speaker C [00:10:46]:
I mean, after all, why would you clean the carpet and then not wipe down the baseboards? Why why why would you do that? Why not do it now? And I’m just gonna tell you a little personal story before I go on and talk a little bit more about how to get your partner on board and how to fix your partner. Little personal story about myself when I was talking about betrayal and covers the truth. You know, I’ve always thought I was pretty darn good. I have always been spiritually connected, and I’ve always been really good at relationships and friendships. And I this sounds so egotistical to say, but I think you can understand it. I was always the one that drove the relationship train, and I think a lot of women are that way. We tend to be culturally better at relationships. We have been raised to caretake.

Speaker C [00:11:45]:
Tend and befriend is the default for a lot of us. When things go wrong, we lean in, we connect further. Women just tend to drive the relationship train. We’re better at that sort of a thing, not because we’re necessarily genetically better at it, but because we have been raised to speak our emotions, to hold space for others, to come up with these creative fun ideas. Like, we are the caretakers of relationships, kids, careers. Like, we tend to take care of things. And I know across the board that’s not true, and you might be saying, no. That’s actually not me.

Speaker C [00:12:28]:
That’s fine. That’s totally fine. It’s all I’m saying is there’s something that we’re all really good at, and that was my strong point, was caretaking, tend and befriend. Reading books, and identifying what other people’s problems were. And not that I thought I was perfect, but I this was my strength. This was my superpower. And it wasn’t until infidelity, and I really turned that telescope around. And instead of looking out there at everybody else, I looked deep within myself.

Speaker C [00:13:07]:
And I saw all of the ways that, wow, I am thinking that I’m kind, but what I’m saying isn’t really kind. I’m thinking that I’m being helpful, but I’m really nitpicking. And the reason that I’m nitpicking is a weird reason. I’m nitpicking because I want you to get better. I’m nitpicking because I want you to step up to the plate. I’m nitpicking because I want you, you, you, you, you, but I was really truly neglecting me, me, me, me, me. Ouch. Like, ouch.

Speaker C [00:13:48]:
I really started seeing the ways that I was subtly disrespecting my husband, the ways that I was trying to, like, mother and control him, and it feels so icky now. But I I had it so set up in my brain, like, that this was my role and that I needed everybody on board, and I’m gonna guide everything through this, that, and the other thing. And from a different lens, I could now see how that was controlling and how I would organize his stuff because, oh my gosh, he just can’t get his stuff pulled together. And he is such a slob, and I have to be the one that takes care of this. No. I don’t. He’s an adult. He can take care of his own things.

Speaker C [00:14:40]:
I don’t need to go in and organize his stuff. How controlling is that? And you may be listening to this and you may disagree, and that’s okay. That’s okay. I’m just opening the aperture a little bit because I want you to push back on some of your behaviors and some of your beliefs. Like, there’s this cultural belief out there that men are inept, that so many Instagram memes and stories. You know? Leave a man home alone with the babies, and this is what happens. Step out, and this is what happens when men don’t have women. And that’s a cultural narrative, and I believe that narrative.

Speaker C [00:15:21]:
Like, I would get together with my girlfriends, and we would laugh at how inept our husbands were at certain things. And we would laugh at, you know, things that they did, and we would bond over our complaining together. And on the one hand, okay. Sure. That’s totally normal. We all do that. But, again, look at that from a slightly different point of view. That’s not healthy.

Speaker C [00:15:49]:
That’s not healthy. Why would we wanna be in a partnership with somebody that we suddenly thought was inept? Why would we want to be in a partnership with somebody that we thought suddenly was inept, that we thought we had to control, that we thought we had to take care of, that we thought we had to make them better or teach them things. Oh, see what I mean? It’s icky, and I don’t wanna be icky in my relationships. I don’t wanna be the one who is superior and who is dragging you along and who is frustrated because you don’t get it. Now on the flip side of that coin, and this is what we’re gonna talk about today, we have needs, and we deserve to get our needs met. And you should get your needs met. And open honest communication with your partner about what I want and what you want and what I can do to meet your needs and what you can do to meet my needs and how we can support each other in the meeting of those needs, that’s different. I am not a proponent of caretaking over your spouse because they’re so inept and they’re so stupid, and I have to drag them along, and I have to bring them to the party, and I have to do this, and he doesn’t get it.

Speaker C [00:17:07]:
Not a proponent of that, but I’m also not a proponent of being like, oh, it’s just who they are. And it doesn’t matter that he’s never put a dish in the dishwasher in our our entire life. I can just put up with it. It doesn’t matter that he criticizes and belittles me. I can just put up with it. No. No. No.

Speaker C [00:17:27]:
No. No. It’s find finding a healthy balance between those two extremes. And let me say those are 2 extremes. And, again, so much cultural narrative here. So much cultural narrative that it’s either black or white. A man is either masculine, which borders on toxic, or they’re wimpy. No.

Speaker C [00:17:50]:
No. No. It’s that balance. What can you control? What should you control? What you should not control? What you can and can’t do? How much of you should you change for your partner? How much should they change for you? And how much do you just need to accept the other person for who they are? So that’s what this show is about. It’s about how to get your partner on board. It’s about how to create the relationship of your dreams. It’s about how to get your needs met in a healthy way where you are both satisfied, and it’s also about how to meet your partner’s needs. Because having needs met is not a one way street.

Speaker C [00:18:35]:
It’s not about your partner serving you any more than it’s about you serving your partner. And it’s not a tit for tat either. It’s not, I will do this for you if you do that for me. One of the things that I hear a lot around that whole tit for tat thing is and, again, this is just broad sweeping generalities. So take it for what it’s worth because it’s just hard to talk about. Like, if, then, and in some situations, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is what I hear a lot, and this is the gender dynamic in which I hear it a lot. Men want more sex.

Speaker C [00:19:17]:
Men want more sex. It’s not that women don’t want more sex. A lot of women want more sex too. But they need that emotional or want that emotional connection first. Nobody wants to get yelled at or be belittled and then go have sex. Like, that’s a total disconnect. Why would I wanna go hop in bed with somebody who just said I’m stupid and inept? Why would I wanna go hop in bed with somebody who has not put a dish in the dishwasher and who has not lifted a finger to take care of the kids? That is not sexy. So then this gridlock happens.

Speaker C [00:19:56]:
I’m not gonna go be intimate with my partner unless they start treating me with dignity and respect. I’m not gonna be go go be intimate with my partner until they start helping out around the house because I’m too exhausted to do this all. And then the partner, on the flip side, is like, I’m not gonna lift a finger to help you out if I’m not getting any. If you can’t even spend a half hour with me being intimate and having sex and connection, why am I gonna go vacuum the floor for you and pick up the kids from soccer? I’m not gonna do that. And then you’re at this impasse, and you’re each just spewing, like, hate at each other on the subconscious level because you’re both resentful. You’re both a little bit bitter. I’m not gonna do that, but I’m not gonna do that. If he just did this first, then I would do that.

Speaker C [00:20:46]:
All he has to do is be nice to me. If he just kissed my neck and hugged me goodbye on the way out the door, I would be so much more open to things. Well, yeah, I would be so much happier to kiss her neck as and hug her as she walked out the door if she would just lay off. It’s always going one step back. And I can’t tell you how many people that I’ve talked to individually or on a couple levels that are in that kind of an impasse. And each party is waiting for the other party to make the change. And the bottom line is it’s really hard to suck it up and be the one that’s like, okay. I’m gonna do that.

Speaker C [00:21:26]:
It’s really hard to do that. And oftentimes, it’s not even healthy. If you’re truly abandoning yourself and your values and your needs and your desires, then it’s that’s not even healthy to do. But there’s a way to do it in a way where you each lay down your arms, where you each put away the sword, and you each come together at the same time. And when you do that, that is when those miraculous shifts happen. So who can you control? Can you control yourself or your partner? You can only control yourself. I’d like to control my partner. I’d like to wake him up.

Speaker C [00:22:11]:
I’d like to go, whup, whup, whup, whup, metaphorically slap his face and say, wake up. Come to the party. You have no idea what you’re giving up by doing this. You have no idea what’s really going on. I see that you’re depressed. I see you have trauma. I see your fear. You don’t.

Speaker C [00:22:27]:
Wake up. Come to the party. Get out of limerence, whatever it is. The way to do that might seem a little counterintuitive, but it’s by creating a strategy. It’s by getting together with your partner and each talking about your unmet needs and then agreeing to work on meeting each other’s needs at the same time. Yes. Even if you’re in the middle of infidelity, especially if you’re in the middle of infidelity. Because in a situation, like when your partner’s having an affair, there are so many layers that you’re each wearing.

Speaker C [00:23:19]:
Fear, confusion, pain, heartbreak, anger, resentment, bitterness, that is really hard to come together. It’s really hard to admit your own shortcomings, and it’s really hard to find a path forward, especially, well, not especially, especially for both of us. I mean, as the betrayed partner, why do we all of a sudden have to start admitting our own shortcomings? Wait. What? I didn’t cause this. And there’s that fear that if we start admitting our own shortcomings and doing something for our partner, that then we’re admitting that we caused this affair. You didn’t cause the affair. No one’s not ever unless you held a gun to your partner’s head and said, you will go cheat now. You did not cause the affair.

Speaker C [00:24:10]:
However however, no relationship is perfect, and chronic dissatisfaction over time, it’s not that it leads to affairs, but it contributes to affairs. It contributes. I had a client say once, and I love this, that we built the bomb together, but he detonated it. And I was like, oh, yeah. We do build the bomb together. Like, we don’t see what we’re doing, but we build this bomb together. And, yeah, the person who chooses to cheat detonates the bomb, but they didn’t build the bomb on their own. We didn’t build the bomb on our own.

Speaker C [00:24:55]:
We didn’t know what we were building. Childhood trauma built some of the bomb. Career stuff, stress, having kids, parenthood, in laws, like, all of these things contribute to the building of the bomb, but, also, not having our needs met contributes to building the bomb. Being not connected, living parallel lives, living like roommate roommates, all of these things contribute. It’s not a fault based thing. It’s releasing the energy of fault and blame and judgment and just looking objectively at it. What are all of the things that contributed to this happening? And it’s a lot. It’s a lot.

Speaker C [00:25:49]:
So it’s hard for us, the aggrieved party, the one who’s been victimized, to be like, okay. Really? You’re telling me to look at myself and see what I could do better? BS. Like, I’m not going there. I didn’t do anything wrong. And while you didn’t, when you are brave enough to uncover the truth about the things in you that you could address, that you could shift, that you could make better for yourself. It’s like you putting down the sword. It’s like you taking off a layer of armor and saying, I am willing. And it’s that willingness that’s important.

Speaker C [00:26:39]:
Are you willing? Because if you show that you are willing and you put your sword down, the other person is just a little bit more likely to put their sword down too. Because think about what you are asking your partner to do when you are asking them to come to the party. Wake up. Get help. Go to counseling. Cut contact. Lean into me. See a therapist.

Speaker C [00:27:07]:
Like, when you’re asking them to do that, there’s a lot of defenses that you were asking them to take down. And for most men, not for all, but for most men, the reason they started cheating in the first place is because they had pain. The reason they started cheating was because they had pain and they didn’t know how to take care of that pain. The tool that they used to take care of that pain was cheating. Was it a good tool? No. It wasn’t. Probably led to more pain. Probably didn’t work out the way they thought it was gonna work out.

Speaker C [00:27:51]:
But when you are taking somebody who’s already hurting and who’s already feeling guilty or who is already in this weird brain state and you’re saying, come to that party. Put your sword down. Fass up. Lean into this. Admit that you were stupid. Admit that you were ignorant. Admit that you hurt me. Admit that you damaged our whole family.

Speaker C [00:28:12]:
Admit that your whole life and career was a sham. Admit that. Nobody’s gonna just admit to that? Like, seriously? Nobody’s gonna do that. Nobody is going to do that. I know that we want them to do that, but they’re not going to do that. So the first step in getting your party to come your partner to come to the party is by not expecting them to come to the party. Why would you come to the party when you’re gonna be blamed and shamed and criticized and every mistake that you’ve ever made is going to be thrown in your face when inside you already know you made a really bad mistake. The reason men don’t admit it is because they know it inside already.

Speaker C [00:29:01]:
They know it. They’re just not telling you that they know it because they don’t wanna hurt that bad. If you made the worst mistake on the planet, if you damaged the people that you love and care about the most, would you come to a party where everybody’s rubbing your nose in it? No. But would how willing would you be to address that if people started saying, yeah. Let me tell you some of the things that I’ve done. It’s not this, but here’s how I got through. Here was a problem that I had, and here’s how I got through. You need to give your partner a way out.

Speaker C [00:29:47]:
And I’m not saying by absolving them and not moving into them understanding what this did to you. I’m just saying do that later. Show them the path out. The best way to get your partner on board is to show them a path out because, again, stereotypically speaking, men like to accomplish things. Men like to fix problems. Men like to read the directions and take care of things. If you show them a path out, even if it’s a tough path, they wanna slay the dragon. They wanna be the knight in shining armor.

Speaker C [00:30:28]:
If you say, there, over there, The princess is in the tower over there. Here are the thorny bushes you have to cut through, and here’s the dragon you have to slay, and here’s the side of the tower that you have to climb. Here is the path. They’re gonna say, got it. Got it. It’s hard, but I’m gonna do it. Men need a path. Men need a path.

Speaker C [00:30:55]:
All of us need a path, but men need a path. When you do something really wrong, you need a path, the whole path to redemption. Who wants to figure out how to redeem themselves? Oh my gosh. That’s hard. Who wants to figure out how to make amends? How do I do it? I don’t wanna screw it up. I’ve already screwed it up so badly. I have already hurt people, so I’m just gonna walk away. I am just going to walk away.

Speaker C [00:31:24]:
La la la la la. I can’t hear you. I’m gonna walk away because I can’t figure it out. And if I screw it up figuring it out and I cause more harm, I’m gonna feel really bad about myself, and I don’t wanna do that. I don’t wanna do that. I don’t wanna do it. If you want to get your partner on board, show them a path out. Show them the path to redemption.

Speaker C [00:31:49]:
Show them the path, and they will do it. Does that make sense? You need to show your partner the path. Now it’s also my hunch that you need a path too because recovering from betrayal is not fun, it’s not easy, it’s painful, and it’s got many hills and valleys. I cannot tell you the number of people that I work with where they’re like, I had a really bad marriage counselor and it messed us up, and then we had to go back to the beginning and figure things out. Yep. Or people who will say, I didn’t tell anybody and I did it on my own, and then 4 years later, I’m still in pain. Yep. You need a path out too.

Speaker C [00:32:43]:
This is not just something that you can do on your own. You need a path, and you need to know where you are along the way, where you are on the journey so you can assess. Is this working or is this not working? Your partner needs a path, and you need a path, and you need to understand each other’s path. How many times have you and your partner been on completely different wavelengths, completely different pages, and it ends up leading to a fight or a disagreement or just a disappointment. And, again, you default into that, how stupid can they be? Oh my gosh. Do you believe what he did? I remember this one time. We were having company, and I can’t even remember why we were having company. And I had said to Sean, my husband, and this was years ago, I need help cleaning.

Speaker C [00:33:46]:
There’s so much going on. And I came downstairs, and I kid you not, he had all of the cushions of the couch pulled up, and he had stripped all the beds, and he had, like, 4 piles of laundry on the floor in the hall. And it was like, oh my god. I mean, my thinking is how stupid can you be? Like, we’re having people over, and you’ve just created a bigger mess. And he was all proud of himself. He’s like, I know you hate stripping the beds, and now it’s all gonna be good. You’ve been wanting to deep clean. We were on different pages.

Speaker C [00:34:24]:
It’s not that one of us was stupid or unrealistic. It’s just that we were on different pages. My version of cleaning in that moment was, I don’t care if you cram something in a drawer or a closet. We have people coming over, and I just want it to look good. And his version of cleaning is, I am gonna help you clean. So how many times have you had a situation like that in your own marriage, in your own relationship? Chances are pretty often pretty often. What we mean and what our partner means is often, like, just different. So if things like that can happen with small things in everyday life, like pick this up at the grocery store.

Speaker C [00:35:10]:
Oh, that’s not what I meant. Or help me clean house. That’s not what I meant. And it can lead to resentment or a fight or you calling your best friend and being like, can you believe what he just did? Imagine how much higher the stakes are in a situation like recovering from infidelity. If you’re doing some deep personal work and your partner is doing some deep personal work and you’re each kind of separate doing your own deep personal work, yay, you’re on the same page. But if you’re like, I need connection. I need reassurance. I need you to lean in, and your partner’s away doing their own personal work.

Speaker C [00:35:52]:
You’re gonna be like, why is he so distant? Why is he so distant? I need us. And then in his mind, he might be thinking, I’m trying to figure myself out, and you told me to figure myself out. And now I’ve been criticized for figuring myself out because I’m not present with you. Oh my god. Are you never satisfied? When you’re on the same page, when you have a strategy, when you have a plan, you’ve got common language and you know the different things that you need to accomplish, and you’re able to tell each other where you’re at. So then you know, oh, I have a need for connection and reassurance right now, and he’s doing this deep personal work. We can balance this because we each know that we need these different things. Now we can take care of it versus thinking he’s pulling away.

Speaker C [00:36:41]:
He’s a total jerk. How can he be so clueless? This isn’t what I meant. You need a strategy. You need a plan for yourself. You need a strategy and plan for your relationship, for your partnership to move you both forward, And your partner needs a plan for themselves too. Now, as you know, I am absolutely a fan of therapy counseling with some caveats. You absolutely need somebody who understands trauma. You need somebody with a trauma background.

Speaker C [00:37:16]:
Therapists are great. Coaches are great. Counselors are great. They have hearts of gold. But if they don’t understand trauma, they can hurt you. They can hurt your relationship. They can cause way more harm than good. Get somebody who gets trauma.

Speaker C [00:37:38]:
Get somebody who’s been through infidelity. Get somebody who understands what this is because infidelity is a whole different animal, and make sure you have a goal, a strategy, a plan. Why is your partner seeing a therapist? Why are you seeing a therapist? Why are you seeing a marriage counselor together? What is the goal of that? Because, again, so often people go in and they’re in this spin cycle, and they’re like, I’m just exploring myself, and I’m figuring out my past, and I’m learning out. And then you just get mucked in, like, mired down in all the muck and all the problems. What is the goal? What is the strategy? What is the path? What are you accomplishing with each session? What are you accomplishing with each session? You need strategy. You 100% need strategy. You need strategy for yourself, your partner needs strategy for himself, and you need strategy for the relationship. And let me say one thing about relationship too.

Speaker C [00:38:51]:
It doesn’t matter if you were going to stay together or if you’re going to separate. You are still in relationship. You might be co parenting together. You’re still in a relationship through a divorce. You need strategy for how you’re going to interact with each other together. It’s not just strategy to reconcile. It’s strategy to move forward as a couple or as a former couple or as a co parenting couple. So if you hear nothing else from today’s show, hear that you need a strategy, hear that men need a path forward, hear that you need a path forward.

Speaker C [00:39:37]:
You do not wanna be in a dark room with the lights turned off while blindfolded bumbling around. Will you find the door eventually? But you’re gonna have bruised shins, and it’s gonna take you a long time. Find somebody that can help you take the blindfold off, that can help you uncover the truth, that can help you find the light switch, They can help you navigate around the furniture, and they can help you find the door a lot faster and a lot easier. Get out. Get a plan. I’m a big proponent of having somebody who has been there, done that, help you with a plan. But if you’re a do it yourselfer, sure. Find people that can help you create that plan.

Speaker C [00:40:26]:
But come together and talk about that plan. Recently, I have been offering couples strategy sessions, and let me tell you, they have been enormously powerful. Because what happens is the 3 of us sit down and we talk about the plan. There’s no blame. There’s no shame. There’s no, oh, how could you do this? Don’t you see what damage you caused? There’s nothing like that. We’re not getting into the emotions. This is not counseling.

Speaker C [00:40:55]:
I’m not gonna talk about your childhood. I’m going to talk about the steps that you need to take to move forward as individuals and as a couple. And in one hour’s time, we will create that plan. And then you will each know what the plan is. You will know I have to cut through these thorny bushes to clear the path. Now I have to slay a dragon with a sword. Before I slay that dragon with a sword, I have to pull this sword out of a stone. Then I have to climb the side of the tower, knock on the princess’s window, put her on my shoulder, and climb back down.

Speaker C [00:41:36]:
Like, you will know the plan. It’s not that you necessarily have a timeline because you can’t necessarily figure out, I’m gonna figure out all my trauma by Thursday. After 3 sessions of EMDR, it’s gonna be all over. You don’t know those things. But having the strategy, having the plan that, okay, I need to talk to a trauma informed therapist, and I need to address this issue. I need some EMDR. I need some hypnotherapy. I need to learn tapping.

Speaker C [00:42:07]:
I need more strategies to calm my anxiety so I can get through this. And my partner, they need to figure out some of these childhood wounds. They need to address what it means to be a man in this kind of a world. They need to learn empathy. They need to learn new strategies of communication. So then you’re like, here’s me and here’s my work. Here’s you and here’s your work. Okay.

Speaker C [00:42:32]:
Now how are we gonna come together and move forward? We’re gonna need some practice on safe communication. We’re gonna actually just need some fun times together. We’re going to each plan a date night for the other person every week. Every week, we’re gonna do this. We’re going to have a night away every week. We’re going to take time and be separate for a while. Like, you will have the strategy for individuals and for yourself as a couple so you know where you are on the path. So if one person gets a little bit ahead and another person falls back, you don’t panic and think, oh my gosh.

Speaker C [00:43:15]:
They’re not coming to the party. This isn’t gonna work. It’s all over. So you don’t trash something that is not worth trashing just because you’re on different places. You’ll be able to look at your maps. You’ll each have a map and be like, oh, I’m here. Oh, you’re here. Oh, we’re here.

Speaker C [00:43:32]:
And then have that sense of peace because I got it. I got it. We’re not forcing each other along the path. We’re just knowing where we’re at. Safety is so important, especially after infidelity, especially being the betrayed partner, like, we need to feel safe again. There’s no better way to feel safe than to know where you’re at and to know where the person who hurt you is at. Think about this in terms of, like, a physical injury. If somebody is chasing you around with a baseball bat, do you know what helps? It helps knowing where they’re at.

Speaker C [00:44:11]:
It helps knowing, oh, they’re across the road. Oh, they’re over here. Oh, they put the bat down. Like, it helps to know where they’re at so you don’t have to run around constantly trying to protect yourself from all directions at all times. You can be like, they’re napping, and I’ve got control of the bat. I’m gonna rest now too. Bad analogy in a lot of ways. I get that.

Speaker C [00:44:34]:
But my point is, if you wanna feel safe, you need to know where you’re at. I’m in the grief stage. I’m in the shock and awe stage. I’m in the trauma stage. I’m in the stage where I haven’t quite accepted, but I’m moving towards it. I’m in the forgiveness phase. I’m in the whatever phase it is. When you know where you’re at, it helps, and when you know where your partner is at.

Speaker C [00:44:58]:
Oh, boy, does it really help. Because it sets you free from being like, I gotta get him to the party. I gotta fix him. Why is he fixing his stuff? He’s not fixing himself. He’s got all these issues. He’s so insecure. He’s so ridiculous. Oh my god.

Speaker C [00:45:12]:
He’s caught up in this. He’s having a midlife crisis. He’s doing this. He’s doing that. Don’t waste your time worrying where somebody else is at. Look at the map and be like, oh, there they are. Then let it go. You can’t drag them along the path, but it helps to know where the path is and where they are along the way.

Speaker C [00:45:35]:
So if you’re interested in a couple strategy session, which I highly recommend, it’s only a $198. It is not a big deal. It’s probably less than what you’re paying for counseling. It’s 1 hour, and all you need to do is go to You can sign up and pay right there in the same link. Betrayalrecoverycoach., and sign up for your couple strategy session. And here’s the thing.

Speaker C [00:46:08]:
You can assure your partner we’re not digging into the emotions. We’re not shaming them. We’re not blaming them. We’re not being like, your wife did this because you are so not on the same page. I mean, in a way, that’s, like, what you’re doing. You’re getting them on the same page, but you’re not shaming them about it. It’s information. You’re calming their nervous systems because they’re gonna walk away with a map.

Speaker C [00:46:32]:
They’re gonna walk away with the instruction manual. They’re going to know what to do. So many men resist going to counseling. Like, you’re saying, you’ve gotta get help. You and they’re like, I don’t know Because they don’t know what it means. This is the map. They’re gonna know what it means. They can ask questions.

Speaker C [00:46:51]:
We can set the strategy together. We can set the game plan. Typically, what the game plan is is they do see a counselor, but they’re empowered to go see the counselor or the therapist or whoever. They’re empowered and they understand why. This is what I’m working on. I’m working on understanding this in myself. And while I’m doing that, you are working on understanding different things in yourself. You’re laying down the sword.

Speaker C [00:47:18]:
They’re laying down the sword. You’re each you’re not separating, but you’re doing your separate things. So then they don’t have all this pressure that I have to make amends to you. I have to admit to you. I have to do all these other things to you. Here’s the game plan. Here’s the strategy. And then when you come back together on one of the worksheets, oh, ask me for this worksheet,

Speaker C [00:47:43]:
Just send me an email. I’ll send you the worksheet. Or maybe I can make it as a download on the site. I’ll see if I can make it as a download. Sometimes I can do that. Sometimes I can’t do that, but you can email me. I’ve got this great worksheet, and this worksheet is about getting your needs met in a relationship, and this is part of that strategy. You’ve got the strategy to each do your own thing, and then you have the strategy to come together as a couple.

Speaker C [00:48:11]:
This worksheet on meeting each other’s needs is brilliant. The premise behind it is you each pick one need that you want to get met from the other person. You write that need down. You each do your own worksheet. Then you write down what you want the other person to do to meet that need. So earlier, we were talking about the stereotypical example of the man wants more sex, and the woman wants more emotional connection, so she feels available for sex. So the man might write on the worksheet, I want more sex. I want sex 3 times a week.

Speaker C [00:48:47]:
And the woman might write down, I want more emotional connection. And then what I push you each to do is to get a little bit more specific about that. What does having sex 3 times a week mean? And that might sound silly, but it has different meanings to different people. So write down what it is you mean by that. And then emotional connection, what does that mean? We’re gonna sit down and have a 20 minute conversation, over dinner without phones, without TV, without distraction. We’re gonna go on a walk. We’re gonna hold hands, and we’re gonna talk about our day. We’re gonna sit across from each other.

Speaker C [00:49:23]:
What does that having emotional connection mean to you? Does it mean 5 minutes in the morning before we each go our separate ways? What does it mean? Because we have to get granular and have to get specific. So you each write down what you want, then you write down what you want your partner to do. I want my partner to initiate sex with me once a week, and I want my partner to be open when I initiate once a week. Okay. Perfect. You have told your partner what you want them to do. Initiate and be open. Then on the emotional side, I want my partner to put his phone down, to make eye contact with me, to put his hands on my thigh, to put his hands on my hand, to put his hands on my shoulder, and to listen and talk and engage with me for 20 minutes a day.

Speaker C [00:50:20]:
Whatever it is. It’s specific, what you want. Or I want my partner to set a date night for me. The next question on the worksheet is what you are going to do to help your partner meet your needs. So if you’re the man and you’re like, I want my partner to have sex with me, What I might do is be a little kinder to my partner, to not criticize because I know that shuts her down. So that’s how I’m gonna help you help me. On the emotional side, you might realize that, gosh, my husband is not good at emotional connection when he first comes home from work. He’s stressed.

Speaker C [00:51:01]:
So I’m gonna help you initiate emotional conversation with me by not initiating conversation right after work, by doing it an hour after you get home, or doing it first thing in the morning, or at a more convenient time for you, not in the middle of a football game, whatever. The next question is what I am going to do to meet my own needs. What am I going to do to meet my need for sex? What am I going to do to meet my own need for emotional connection? What are you gonna do? You switch worksheets after you have completely filled out your worksheet from the heart, really trying hard, not being, like, cheeky about it. You switch worksheets and you read your partner’s worksheets, and you don’t talk about it. Don’t talk. Just read your partner’s worksheet. And then for 1 week, you meet each other’s needs. For 1 week, even if you don’t feel like it, they’ve asked you to initiate sex once a week, you initiate it.

Speaker C [00:52:04]:
For 1 week, they ask you to be responsive, you’re responsive. For 1 week, your partner sits down, puts the phone away, and has a 20 minute conversation with you over dinner. For 1 week, your partner goes on walks with you and has his hand on you, whatever it is, for 1 week. Then at the end of that week, you come back together, and there’s some questions on the worksheet. You’re not arguing about it. You’re not talking about it. You’re answering the 3 questions, what it felt like to receive that from your partner. So the man might say, what it felt like to have regular connected sex, what it felt like not to have to argue, what it felt like not to be rejected, what it felt like to have you initiate.

Speaker C [00:52:52]:
On the flip side, you’re gonna tell your partner what it felt like for you to have that deep, meaningful conversation, what it felt like for you to not have to compete with the phone or the TV or some other distraction. You’re gonna say what it felt like. And then there’s some other questions that you’re gonna go through, and you’ll see it when you get the worksheet. But what this exercise does is it really attunes you to each other because it is about being attuned to each other’s needs. So instead of arguing and fighting and thinking somebody is so stupid, you’re each laying down your sword at the same time because you have the strategy. You have the path. You each know what you’re doing, and you’re each consciously and intentionally choosing to lay down the sword at the same time to open yourselves up to each other and to that growth and to that hurt. A fair recovery is hard.

Speaker C [00:53:46]:
A fair recovery is worth it. It’s just worth it. It’s a lot, but it’s worth it. And one of the mistakes I see is people just jump too quickly into trying to deal with the affair. The affair is a symptom of a lot of other different things. Let’s start dealing with all of those other different things and give the immediate pain of the affair some time to cool down a little bit. Because what I want most is for both of you to be empowered, for both of you to see clearly the strategy, and for both of you to walk the path. If you have a map, it’s easier.

Speaker C [00:54:31]:
Let me give you that map. Let’s work together with your specific situation to create a map that works for you, for your partner, and for both of you. And, again, it’s not necessarily about coming together, although I think you can come together and be a lot stronger than before. It’s about having the map and the path and the strategy to be a more whole, healthy, happy, functional human in any situation. So if you’re interested, Schedule your strategy session with your partner, 1 hour. No judgment. No shame.

Speaker C [00:55:11]:
No blame. Just let’s figure out the map together. Let’s play on this trip. Let’s play on this journey because there’s a lot of potential pitfalls along the way, and we wanna have it planned out so we don’t fall into those pitfalls. K? $198, absolutely worth every penny, and I really look forward to working with you both. And, yes, if you would like my husband on the call too, oftentimes he can do that because he can support. But it’s also just fine if I do it just with the 2 of you.

Speaker C [00:55:58]:
I am perfectly capable of holding space for both of you, and I guarantee you will be happy with the results. I guarantee you will walk away with a strategy that makes sense. And if you just implement that strategy, things are gonna get a lot easier for the both of you. Have an amazing weekend. As usual, always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more Is that enough?

Speaker A [00:56:32]:
Tune in next time to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at