The recent Barbie movie brought to light the impossible situation that many women face when dealing with a patriarchal society. Namely, the system is rigged and there’s no way women can win. Unless they stop playing the old game and create a new one instead!

Dealing with people who are bound and determined to create conflict and misunderstand or hurt you is maddening! It brings up a sense of self-righteous, yet totally justified, anger leading us to defend ourselves and our position, explain why their toxic behavior is hurtful, and work ourselves into even more frustration because we are never able to get our needs met. The sad truth is, some people are so wounded they will protect themselves at any cost, and you can never win. Here’s how to respond to the madness in a way that allows you to reclaim your power, set boundaries, and prioritize your peace of mind.

Top take-a-ways

1. Learn effective communication strategies by using “I” statements and setting boundaries. This will help you navigate challenging conversations and protect your emotional wellbeing.
2. Recognize the importance of acknowledging and processing emotions. By taking time to validate your feelings, you can unhook from the drama and take action that has the potential to create lasting change.
3. Discover the power of disengaging from negative situations and creating a new game for yourself in situations where you know you can’t otherwise win.
4. How to let go of the pressure women face to please, perform, and conform, challenge societal norms, and focus on personal fulfillment instead.

 

 

Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.

 

About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

 

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT

 

 

Get the support you need to find your footing, begin making sense of it all, and feel better fast. As an attorney, betrayal recovery expert, and survivor of infidelity I can help you find the clarity and confidence to create a life that you love on the other side of betrayal. Book Your Session Here: https://calendly.com/loras-schedule/coaching-session

 

 

And YES, the #AmericaFerrera monolog was JUST Like Lora’s  TEDx, Uncovering Bias in Gender and Women’s Sexuality, that you can watch here! https://youtu.be/TyWy14N22XQ

Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

 

You’re listening to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth, helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love, and flourish, tune in weekly, and learn how.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:31]:

 

Are you ready to break through? and find out what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal. If you were tired of the anguish the pain, the confusion, the overwhelm, or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your 1 on 1 hour long breakthrough call And together, we will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of betrayal. During our time together, you can explain what’s going on with you. Together, we will figure out what it is that’s blocking you. Whether it’s your partner’s stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you, mindset, finances, concern about your kids. Whatever it is together, we will figure out what that block is And then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of the trail. without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted, and losing focus, and wasting time money, or your valuable energy. Isn’t it time for you to get where you want to be? on the other side of this horrific situation looking back with peace and perspective. When we get together, not only will you have that one on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, but we’ll also record it. So everything will be memorialized, and you always will have something to go back to so you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me. so you won’t lose track, so you won’t get derailed. And so, if you need something adjusted, Together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go to betrayal recovery guide .com and click on the pop up link, or reach out Lora, l o r a, at lord Cheadle, l o r a, cheadele.com, and let’s get you scheduled. Account wait to help you step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth, and create exactly the kind of life that you love.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:03:25]:

 

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and I believe the betrayal uncovers the truth. not only about the person or the situation, the betrayed you, but about yourself. about all of the things within you that you have covered up rushed under the rug. thought. I’ll deal with that later because right now, I just have to fill in the blank. I just have to get my kids in bed. I just have to get this project done at work. I just have to go to sleep myself because I’ve got a big day tomorrow. All of those things that we put off and that we think I’ll deal with later, and then we never ever ever ever ever get around to dealing with.

When we have been betrayed, it uncovers the truth about all of those things inside, and it gives us A glorious. Yes. I’m going to say glorious. Opportunity to finally take off the mask. to do that deep self reflection and to make changes that will last forever. because we’re no longer just putting a Band Aid on things. We are actually doing the work to heal the wound. Now before we go any further, I really would love to connect with you. Because as women we are all in this together, if you go to betrayal recovery guide .com, you can download your copy of my Sparkle After betrayal recovery guide. After you download that, You will get a series of 5 emails where I share my personal story with betrayal with you and how it was that I came to realize that betrayal uncovers the truth. And that this horrible, most horrible time in my life was actually a really big gift.

After that, you’ll be on my list. You can unsubscribe at any time. I only send a couple emails out a month tops, but it will keep you in this loop of support in connection with others who are going through the same. Now whether or not it is infidelity, betrayal exists all around us. It’s just that so often when people think about betrayal. They think about the intimate partner betrayal. But in reality, betrayal is everywhere. Think about the COVID pandemic. Whether or not we identified it, didn’t you feel like, oh my god. My immune system is betraying What do you mean there’s this novel coronavirus? My immune system can handle it. And then to be told, no, actually, your immune system can’t handle it. Wow. that feels like your body is betraying you. A betrayal is defined as the breaking of an expectation that you over relied on that ruptures your view of yourself or the world. Didn’t the pandemic rupture your view of the world? Because it certainly ruptured mine. It was like, wait. I count on the fact that we can go to stores that we can hug other people.

Wow. This ruptured my view of the world. Oftentimes, in our careers, in our jobs, we have these expectations of that. If I do a good job, if I take care of things and the way I’m supposed to take care of them, I’ll be rewarded. I’ll be promoted. I’ll be x, y, and z. And then in reality, that doesn’t always happen the way that we it, and then what happens? We’re disappointed. And we internalize that disappointment. We think, what did I do wrong? how often in your life have you said, but I did everything right.

Whether it was with a marriage like a divorce and infidelity, whether it was getting fired, not getting promoted, whatever it was. Your kids not turning out the way you thought. How many times in your life have you said or thought, but I did everything right. If you’re anything like me a lot a whole stinking lot. But I did everything right. Whenever those words come out of your mouth, It’s a sign that you have felt betrayed, that you have been betrayed because that’s the thing about betrayal. It doesn’t have to be intentionally.

Yes. Somebody can intentionally betray you. Yes. Your boss, your company, the coworkers, your friend, they can intentionally share a secret. They can intentionally take credit for your idea. They can do all of these things, but They can also unintentionally do them. They can unintentionally betray you and that is just as painful as intentional betrayal. It doesn’t matter if the betrayal is intentional or unintentional. it hurts just the same. Today, I wanted to talk about some of the things that we can do to stand in our own power, to stay in our own power, whether we have been intentionally betrayed unintentionally portrayed.

And why this was coming up is because I recently saw Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie. which by the way is phenomenal and fantastic. And I highly recommend that you see it. Now you might have heard about this because it’s all over the Internet right now. But this is America Ferrera’s little monologue, and this is how it goes. And I’ll probably reading it because I just cry thinking about it.

It’s literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say what you want you wanna be thin. You have to say you wanna be healthy, but you also have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crust. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to be you’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the dang time. You have to be a career woman but also be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior which is insane. But if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or threaten other women because you’re supposed be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful.

But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that, but also be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, Never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard. It’s too contradictory. and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you. As it turns out, the fact that there are only and it turns out that not only are you doing everything wrong, but everything is your fault. I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is true for a doll representing a woman that I don’t even know. So there.

And like I said, it brings up a lot in me. This is why my TEDx was on the same topic over a year ago. If you haven’t watched it, my TEDx is entitled uncovering bias. in gender and women’s sexuality, and it raises so many of the same points. And here’s what I love about that monologue. and that movie is it raises awareness. People are sharing it, memeing it up all of this stuff because it resonates. Because somebody has finally put words to what it is that we’re feeling, and we can all be like, yes. It’s not my fault and I’m so tired of being blamed. And if you think about this whole betrayal situation, we get blamed when somebody betrays us. It’s the ultimate victim blaming and it’s insane. How many of you who have faced infidelity have been asked by somebody? What did you do? Or what didn’t you do? Or there’s things you can do to keep your husband happy. There’s things you can do to prevent that bad behavior, and it’s like,

Oh my god. That is insane. How many of you moving through this process have internalized something like I should have been thinner. I should have been prettier. I should have been nicer. I should have been more compassionate. I shouldn’t have talked about my kids all the dang time. I shouldn’t have been that focused on being a good mother, which I’m supposed to be, that I took time away from my partner because he needed me to. And again, I’m using very narrow gender terms here, but it lies to same sex relationships. It applies to all relationships. Just for ease of speaking, oftentimes I say him her, man, women, but please know it applies no matter how the relationship is structured or who did the cheating. Anyway, you’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not too pretty that you dumped other other women other men. because after all you’re part of the sisterhood. Let’s think about that dynamic with the other woman.

What is that level of threat? Like, what did she do? What did he do? Was she too pretty am I not like, oh my gosh. This entire monologue expresses so much of the pain that we feel in general, but that is amplified when there’s a betrayal situation. And, again, any kind of betrayal situation but also and especially in infidelity and betrayal system. system. Whatever it is. Situation. Totally how to bring laughs there. Here’s what I wanna talk about today. I think we can all agree that this is the problem. I think that many of us can agree that even if we don’t resonate with absolutely everything that is set in here, We can agree with a lot of it, and we can see that it is true for others. Even if you yourself don’t experience this, I think it’s fair to say this is something that we can see that many women do experience. This show is going to take it one step further.

This step is going to talk about all of the things that you can actually do to combat this. We have agreed that this is the problem. It’s fine to stay in that problem state for a while and be like, this is it, and somebody pressed it. No. Other people are aware of it. Yay. That step 1. So what? What are we gonna do about it? How do we change because there’s so much frustration that one person can’t change the world. We can’t change the world. Change is really slow. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. What are the concrete things that you can do that I can do that we can collectively all do right here right now not only to change the world for our daughters, not only to change the world going forward, but what are the things that we can do right now that will make us feel better today.

Because after all, don’t we wanna feel better today? If we’re already tired and it’s already our fault and system is already rigged and we’re already playing a game that we can’t win, I just wanna feel better. So that’s what I want to talk about today. What are some of the things that we can do to feel better? Alright. The first thing that we can do to make us feel better is to acknowledge the problem, acknowledge that this system is rigged, However you want to define that, I don’t care and acknowledge that this is a game that we’re playing. Life is a game that we’re playing. Don’t get all paranoid on me. Life is a game that we’re playing. It’s the career game. It’s the motherhood game. It’s the marriage game.

Everything is this balance. Everything is a game. We all have a destination in mind. I want a happy marriage. I want healthy functional children. I want to progress in my career. Whatever it is we have an end goal. And if you don’t have an end goal, that’s another issue. And, yes, can help you figure out that end goal. But once we have an end goal, it becomes a game to get there. So That’s that first step is realizing that it is the game, and this is how we play the game. And learning how to play the game does matter. So let’s talk about that. When you’re in a dysfunctional game, the number one way to win is to stop playing the dysfunctional game.

So that is my first trick and tip for you is to stop playing the game. Sit with that for just a moment. Stop playing the game. What does that mean? Let’s think about a ball game because most people have tossed the ball back and forth with somebody. What does it mean to stop playing the game? It means when somebody throws the ball at you, you literally do not pick it up and you don’t throw it back. That’s what I mean by stop playing the game. Let’s talk about that in real life. Because if you’re anything like me and some of the women that I have coached, they’ll say things like, I get that in theory, but what does that mean? Okay. Let’s think about a toxic relationship. Let’s think about a relationship that’s struggling whether it’s personal or professional. When my husband has said rude, snotty, horribly disrespectful things to me that ticked me off I get a little bit righteous. My feminist side comes out. My human side comes out.

Let’s face it. It’s not just about feminism. It’s about humanity. And I get fired up. You can’t say that to me. You can’t treat me that way. I don’t know why you speak to me like that. You wouldn’t speak to a coworker like that. you wouldn’t speak to your friend like that, so why are you speaking to me like that? Yeah. What am I doing when I do that? I’m picking up the ball and I’m throwing it back. And I’m saying by my response to that, I am teaching you. Did you not know that you’re not supposed to speak to women like that? You’re that you’re not supposed to speak to anybody like that that I am your wife, and you can’t speak to me like that.

Okay. Let’s break that down. Do I really think my husband doesn’t know? Yeah. I think he knows. I think he knows. If he doesn’t know, then that would be an appropriate learning opportunity to let somebody know where your boundaries are or what you’re feeling. Like, if somebody says something to you for the very, very first time ever, you might say, hey. I need to communicate. I am not a hugger. I don’t like physical touch. I’m fine. this bumping, but I don’t wanna hug. That’s communicating a boundary. There is no anger in that. You’re teaching somebody your boundary. So if somebody says horrible, snotty rude things to you and you’ve never had a relationship with them, that would be a time like maybe at work to say, you know what? I don’t respond well to anger or to yelling. I get very triggered when that happens when I shut down. Because the things that you’re saying to me is important because I wanna do a good job here, I need to communicate that anger shuts me down.

What I am going to do if there’s a situation where I start feeling myself triggered is I’m gonna step away. because what you’re saying is important to me. And then I will remove myself. That’s the communication and then the boundary around it. and that’s not playing the game. It’s owning your power. This is how to stay in your power. communicate, express that boundary. So going back to my original example because I kinda segued into a tip or a trick which is powerful and important, but I know that my husband knows it’s rude to do that to treat me that way. I’m truly not educating him when I say you can’t speak to me like that. I’m not gonna put up without.

Would you talk to somebody else like that? That’s not new news to him. I’ve probably said it four hundred times. It’s already been communicated, if it hasn’t. I need to own that. So when I am communicating that, I’m not communicating that. I am vomiting my frustration with the with the relationship, with the situation. I am vomiting my frustration. I am not educating. I am not enlightening. I am not setting a boundary. that is not setting a boundary saying, you can’t treat me like that. You can’t say that to me like that. I’m not gonna take that. Would you talk to somebody else like that?

0% effective. That is vomiting frustration. So that’s my question to you. Do you engage like that? Do you pick up the ball and throw it back? This is my frustration. Bam. This is my pain. Bam. This is my what do you do around that? Because that’s playing the game. And, again, it doesn’t matter if it comes from a partner. It doesn’t matter if it comes from your parents. It doesn’t matter if it comes from a coworker, a boss, a friend, a neighbor. Is this a game you can win at? Is this a game you want to play? Some people are bound and determined to win at all costs.

We’re gonna go into this a little bit deeper, but I want you to be aware some people will win at all costs. People who have been hurt, people who have lived through some significant trauma, people who have fragile egos, Wounded people will not let themselves lose. But say that again about 400 times Wounded people will not let themselves lose. Wounded people will rig the game so they win at all costs. They will hurt other people. They will hurt themselves. They will go against their core values and beliefs. They don’t care who they heard in the process. They will protect themselves from hurting. They will protect themselves from hurting. A truly wounded person who has been wounded and that wound is not healed. Does not want you coming in to an already open sore and poking around at it so they will protect themselves at all costs. It doesn’t matter if they hurt you or their children. It doesn’t matter if they impact their career or their families or their friends. It doesn’t matter if they impact their health. Their number one goal is preventing that wound from being poked because that wound hurts?

How do you know if you’re dealing with one of these people? Really right off the bat, you don’t. You learn. You might surmise. but that person will do everything in their power to prevent themselves from hurting, including lie cheat, steal, won’t, whatever. When you are in an interaction with a person like that and you are butting heads, you will not win. You will not win because they will not lose. So It’s your choice. Do I stand in my power? Do I acknowledge this? Do I say like, ugh, that is frustrating? That is not fair. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. But I’m going to stand my power by realizing This is a wounded person who will not go down and who will not lose. And if I engage with them, what is going to happen is my level of stress is going to increase My level of frustration is going to increase. My level of pain is going to increase, and I’m gonna get hurt by them because I’m standing in the line of fire. Do you want to play that game? If you want to play that game, you absolutely can it as your choice and If you don’t want to play that game, don’t play that game.

Don’t pick up the ball. Don’t throw it back. Don’t engage. Don’t teach. You can’t do that to me. Don’t explain blah blah blah blah. Don’t engage. You’re not gonna win, don’t engage. So let’s break this down a little bit because I can hear you saying but I can’t live like that, but that’s not fair. But what about my needs? But what about this? But what about that? But but, yes, and It starts with you and it ends with you and not everything has to be resolved in the instant you feel frustration. In the instant something happens. If You have raised kids or been around kids. You know you can’t reason with a toddler. They call it the terrible twos for a reason. Even though in my experience, it was more like the terrible threes, the twos were pretty sweet. They call it the terrible twos for a reason because you can’t reason with the toddler. So what are some of the parenting tips?

The parenting tips are distract and divert. If you go head to head with a toddler, you’re probably gonna lose. Distract and divert. So if you’ve got a toddler focused on something that they can’t have, if you stand in front of the toddler who is looking at the teddy bear on the shelf or whatever it is, and you put your hands on your fist and you say no. You can’t have that. No. You’re not gonna win. The toddler is not going to say, well, okay. And you can explain, teddy bears are bad. We don’t have money. You already have 3 at home. I don’t care what you say the toddler is not going to be like, oh, that totally makes sense. Thank you for enlightening me. The best way to deal with that sometimes is the distracting and the diverting. No no no but look over here look over here me up There’s who wants the gummy there? Look at the gummy there.

We mommy’s got you to lean into something else to distract and to divert that attention. There are so many things that we can learn from that in our adult relationships. Yes. It can be frustrating. But it’s about standing in your power and deciding that your state of mind matters most. the way you feel matters most. If you don’t care about peace and harmony and feeling good, then by all means, engage. Storch the earth, burn it down, have a screaming match. create havoc. If that’s, find by you, find by me, it’s your choice. But for me, my peace of mind matters most. I would rather suck it up in the moment by, and I’m going to define suck it up in the moment. Suck it up in the moment by. being the bigger person, realizing what’s going on and intelligently managing the situation by not letting my first get the better of me in that moment. Oh my god. This is hard to do. Because as adults in partnerships or at work or wherever it is, we do tend to think, like, we’re all adults here. How many times have you said that or peer? We’re all adults here.

Yeah. But not really. We’re all adults here But if you look at the percentage of people that have significant trauma in their life, we’re all adults here, but we’re all wounded adults here. Some of us more than others, but there are a lot of wounded adults out there. So let’s realize that. and let’s understand what that means and let’s keep our power by staying in our center and managing how we feel. Okay. So back around this original example, your partner is like, and you feel this rush, feel this rage, You wanna pick up the ball and you wanna throw your frustration at them.

We know that’s not gonna end well. I don’t need to play out that example. It’s not going to end well, and your partner is not going change. Okay. So you decide to suck it up, and I said I’m gonna talk about suck it up a little bit more because it’s just sucking it up in that moment. It’s not squashing yourself. It’s not walking on eggshells. It’s not tiptoeing around the relationship. It is just in that moment. not vomiting your frustration back on the. In that moment, it’s realizing 1. Is this a game I can win? Nope.

Two. is there information that I have to communicate to this person that they don’t know? Probably not. If there is, then communicate it using I statements and then state a boundary after it, and the boundary is on something you are going to do not something that you’re telling them to do because you can’t make somebody else do a darn thing. I statements and boundaries. If it’s already stuff that you’ve communicated, you’re not gonna teach them anything a especially in a heated moment. Take a moment and breathe. Feel whatever emotion is coming up for you and identify it. I am so freaking frustrated.

We’ve played this scenario out a thousand times and I’m really frustrated. Acknowledge it to you. I’m angry. I’m afraid things are never gonna change. I’m afraid my kids are seeing this, and this is going to impact them. I am tired. Acknowledge what it is that you’re feeling. That’s a huge, huge piece of it. So you can let those emotions process a within you, so you’re not stuffing them down and they’re gonna explode, so you’re not vomiting them out on somebody and adding fuel to the fire. Because it is not your job to add fuel to the fire? Yes. It’s not fair. But so is having your emotions rocked. So is having your night ruined. so as having your career trashed, so as any of that. You are in charge of the outcome of most situations. And I know I feel you pushing back on that, and I’m just gonna lovingly keep pushing back. You are in charge of the out come of most situations?

Because you choose your behavior. And when you know you’re playing a game, you can’t win. You need to disengage. And you might be saying that if I’m disengaging, I’m not winning. Make a new game. You’re not playing the game that somebody threw at you. You’re creating a new situation. You’re walking away. You’re taking your ball and you’re going home. You are in charge. And too many of us don’t realize that we’re in charge. We think we need to re respond. We think we need to react. We think we need to no. Take your ball and go home. Hello, girlfriend. Go to a movie. Take a walk. Journal it out. Dance it out. Big proponent of dancing it out here. I can help you with that. Take your ball and go home. Don’t play that game.

You’re not ruining the whole relationship forever. You were removing yourself from that situation in that moment and you’re not engaging in that gain. So why don’t you breathe into that for a little bit? The big three things that women have been trained to do. And I talk about this a lot on my show and in my book and in my work and in my coaching. We have been trained to please other people. We have been trained to perform for other people and we have been trained to conform. And this whole Barbie monologue really is about those 3 things.

We think we have to please. So if somebody comes at you with snarky, rude comments, whatever it is. What do we wanna do? We wanna please. We wanna please them by playing the game. Think about that. We want to please them by playing the game. We want to pick up the ball and throw it back. stop, breathe, feel your frustration. See, is this a wounded person that will do anything to protect themselves from being hurt right now? Yep. That looks like what’s going on. I don’t need to please them. When somebody picks a fight with you, sometimes it relieves their tension. So often, the people that I coach will say their partner would pick fights with them before they would go out and have the affair engage in that contact because they needed an excuse.

Now I am not blaming you by saying this. don’t think that. I’m just asking you to ponder what their internal mental state would have been if you wouldn’t have played that game. If they were trying to pick a fight and trying to pick a fight and trying to pick a fight so they could make themselves feel better and you never picked up that ball. I’m not saying what they would I’m not saying they wouldn’t have done it, but I’m just curious. Would they have felt more guilt and shame around it? If they didn’t have that excuse? Excuses in air quotes? What would have changed for them? Not for you. What would have changed in them? I don’t know. But going forward How can you control the trajectory of the conversations by refusing to engage?

Don’t please them by having a fight. Do you think somebody doesn’t know when they say something snotty or engaging? I know it. I know it when I say things that are passive aggressive. I know it when I say things that are a little bit underhanded. I know when I’m trying to provoke a response. People do. People know that. People know don’t play that game. That is you standing in your power. Don’t please them by playing the game. It’s always a thrill. If you’re being passive aggressive and somebody takes the bait, you’re Yeah. Don’t play that game. Keep your peace. Plasing is bigger than that too. I just wanted to take that example, but pleasing is all of the things that we do to make other people happy. or that we think will make other people happy.

And one of those phrases is after everything I’ve done for you. After everything I put into this marriage, after everything I did for this relationship, I tried counseling I read all the books I did this. I did that. I chain woah, woah, woah. Rewind the tape on that. Why are you doing things for other people? If you’re doing things for other people because it really is feeling good for you, that you need to let go of the expectations on the outcome. If I am cooking for you in cleaning for you, just for examples, for little concrete examples, because it brings me joy, then it doesn’t matter if you like it or not. because it brings me joy, and I did it because it pleases me, and I did it for you because that’s something that is in me. The second that I say, how could you mess up the house after I cleaned it? You didn’t come home for dinner after I cooked it.

And that’s me seeking to please you. A whole different dynamic. Same actions. Whole different dynamic, and it has to do with your expectations around it and your honesty with yourself. Am I making this beautiful you know, homemaking scene with a beautiful house and a beautiful meal for me? Because if I do it and it pleases me, your reaction doesn’t matter. Your response doesn’t matter because I have pleased me. When I read a good book, it’s an internal experience and I have pleased myself. and I now don’t get mad at you for the book that I just read. That’s my internal experience. That’s how you know Am I doing it for me, or am I doing it for somebody else? You read a book, and it’s for you, and you go, and you bask in that glory. If doing things for your partner, your kids, whatever is an internal experience, their response doesn’t matter.

The response doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t because it’s about you, because it’s pleasing you. The second, their response matters, you’re doing it to please. There is an ulterior motive no matter how small, no matter how subconscious, no matter how deeply programmed in the fabric of femininity. That is not okay. You gotta start recognizing it. Yes. I like a clean house. Yes. I like to cook these meals. Yes. I like Now, when you do something for somebody, there can be a choice around that. I said this a couple weeks back. My husband asked me to do some things for him because I want to be a good partner. because the marriage matters because the partnership matters that I choose to do those things for him.

I choose that. I’m not seeking to please him, pleasing and seeking to please are totally different things. we could do a whole show on the difference between pleasing and seeking to please. He asked me to do some things. I choose to please him by doing those things. I am not seeking to please by being like, I’m gonna try this, and I’m gonna try that. And he should totally love this meal I made it. Why didn’t he notice that the toilets who are sparkling that is seeking to please. Seeking to please is not healthy ever. If you know what makes somebody happy and you choose to please them, go for it. Seeking to please it, seeking to please is not going to work. That’s about you feeling unworthy. Hands down seeking to please is about you feeling unworthy and wanting external validation.

Seeking too pleased is about you feeling unworthy and seeking external validation. Not gonna help. Validation has to come from within. We have to fill ourselves up. Second thing is seeking to conform No. He wants me to do this. Society wants me to do that. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. How do we stop conforming. It’s all tied around that seeking to please. You have to know yourself. You have to know yourself. Otherwise, yes, I’m gonna look this way. I am gonna be thin, I’m gonna be healthy, I’m gonna be whatever. Who are you? and what do you want to be? It’s that unapologetic nature of being who you are. You’re not seeking to conform or validation. It all comes back to self worth and validation. This is my body age.

This is my body size. This is my body condition. I can like it, and be very satisfied. I can dislike it and be very unsatisfied, but it is what it is. I have to accept that unconditionally If I want to let go of this whole conforming thing, the golden center of FLAUNT! au stands for except unconditionally, and it’s the golden center because that’s where so much of the magic happens. When you seek to conform You’re seeking to change who you are in order to be accepted by others in order to be approved of by others. Which keeps you off balance because like in the Barbie monologue, It’s thin. It’s healthy. It’s rich. It’s poor. It’s all of these different things we’re seeking to conform to this ideal when it doesn’t have to be a physical ideal. like leadership. You have to be a leadership leader but you can’t be mean. Okay really? You have to be a good mom, but you can’t talk about your kids. Wow. How does that work? I’m not gonna conform to any of those ideals. I don’t have to be a leader. I don’t have to be mean. I don’t have to be nice. I don’t have to be a good mom.

I don’t have to talk about my kids and I don’t have to not talk about my kids. I can be who I am in this moment, in this moment changes. So when I seek to conform, I’m always living in the past. I’m always living in the future. Who knows what the style is going to be tomorrow? I’m seeking to conform to yesterday’s version of who somebody says I’m supposed to be. quit seeking anything. Just be. What seeking? Just be. Performing is that last aspect that I talk a lot about. We’re always performing. we’re never just being. I’m tired but I’m gonna put on a mask. I’m gonna put on a happy face. Be tired. Yes. You might have to dig deep.

But it’s about you. How do you nurture and nourish yourself? We hear so much about self care. Yes. I do a lot of work in the burnout space. Burnout and betrayal. Those are my those are my jams. Those are my wheel houses. When people are burned out so often it’s because they’re trying to perform, they’re trying to do something for other people, they’re trying to please conform and perform. I can do that project. Maybe you can, but can you do it in a way that actually nourishes you? Self care is not an activity that we do. We don’t have a self care weekend. We don’t have a vacation and take self care. Cell care is in every single stinking moment. Right now I need water. Right now I need a breath of fresh air. Right now I need to communicate or reestablish a boundary. Right now I need to quit being distracted and I need to focus

What are the things that you need to do right now in that moment that is going to help you do what it is that you wanna do? It’s not about performing It’s about doing what you need to do. Whether it’s laundry, whether it’s file for divorce, whether it’s take some time, to figure out who the heck you are, whether it’s a big project at work. Performing is again doing it so you look good. versus doing it good. Doing it so you look good versus doing it good. You know, people talk about FaceTime at work. I gotta do FaceTime. That’s performing. No. You don’t. No. You don’t. You gotta do what you’re supposed to do. However that works for you. We all work differently. We all live differently. We all believe differently. We all do all of these things differently.

Quit performing, quit seeking self care, quit leaning in. Do yourself in the moment. yes, you know what you need to get done. Yes, there’s can be deadlines. Yes, you might have to work a little harder or take a little But nourish yourself in every moment self care happens in every breath. Being yourself happens in every breath. Leasing yourself happens in every breath. We make it so complicated. And going back to this whole barbie monologue, which I just love. The American fur, my tongue is saying all these things. Going back to this monologue, What can we do about it? What we can do is stop seeking to please anybody but ourselves.

Stop seeking to conform to anybody else’s standards and stop performing for ourselves. that doesn’t mean doing all these things that doesn’t mean being big and pushing it out there, it’s just that subtle shift in our own energy field. It means not picking up the ball and throwing it back because the game is rigged. The system is rigged, and we’re not gonna win. It just means stopping and doing for ourselves managing our own discomfort, managing our own frustration, connecting with others who are on a similar journey. I do a lot of work with my community.

Please join my community. Again, betrayal recovery guide .com, I can get you hooked in to my community because this is part of that support in that sisterhood is figuring it out. And talking through things and how much is too much am I putting up and shutting up? It’s not what I really mean to do. How can I stand back in my power? Standing in your power takes practice. You will fail. You will succeed, but it helps to have other people help walk you through the situations, help untangle the situations. That’s what coaching is about. It’s untangling the situation. So what am I not seeing in this situation? If something keeps coming up, if something happens more than three times in your life, it’s the pattern. start figuring it out, start untangling that pattern. It’s not about other people, it’s always about you when I know that is so hard to hear. If your spouse is driving you crazy, your spouse probably has their own problems. We all have our own problems. But what about you? You manage you. You manage you and you are in control. because here’s the other thing. It’s so easy to feel like we’re in that one down position.

We were betrayed. We were cheated on. We were a woman. I’m in that one down position. Only because you keep yourself there, only because I keep myself there, only because we all keep playing the game. So let me show you how to stop playing the game and to start creating a new game. How to stop worrying about finding your power and just to stand in it? How to stop doing so darn much? and just start being. Because that is how we collectively and individually change The. Reach out.betrailrecoveryguide.com is a great place to start. Have an amazing week and always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:40]:

 

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Evening was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, and for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, better help is here to help you, better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience There’s a broad range of expertise and better helps 20,000 plus therapists network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions, plus you can exchange unlimited messages and everything you share is completely confidential. I know the confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through. to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime. Join the 2 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced better health therapist. special offer to FLAUNT!, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at betterhelp.com/FLAUNT!. That’s better helphelp.com/FLAUNT!FLAUNT!.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:52:47]:

 

Thanks again to better help for sponsoring this podcast. Are you ready to break through and find out what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal? If you were tired of the anguish, the pain, the confusion, the overwhelm or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your one on 1 our long breakthrough call. And together, we will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of betrayal. During our time together, you can explain what’s going on with you. Together, we will figure out what it is that’s blocking you, whether it’s your partner’s stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you. mindset, finances, concern about your kids. Whatever it is, together, we will figure out what that block is And then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of betrayal. without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted, and losing focus. and wasting time, money, or your valuable energy. Isn’t it time for you to get where you want to be? on the other side of this horrific situation looking back with peace and perspective. When we get together, not only will you have that one on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, but we’ll also record it. So everything will be memorialized, and you always will have something to go back to so you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow-up Voxer support with me. so you won’t lose track, so you won’t get derailed. And so, if you need something adjusted, Together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go to betrayal recovery guide .com and click on the pop up link, or reach out Lora, l o r a, at Lora Cheadle, l o r a, cheadele.com, and let’s get you scheduled. Account wait to help you step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth, and create exactly the kind of life that you love.

 

Narrator [00:55:53]:

 

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. With radio host and live choreographer Riffer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST, on syndicated Dreamvision 7 radio network. develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love, and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at nakedselfworth.com.