Better communication

Listen to “Grow Up, Queen! How to Have Difficult Conversations” on FLAUNT! Create A Life You Love After Infidelity or Betrayal with Lora Cheadle. In this episode, Lora share communication strategies for overcoming betrayal and rebuilding relationships. She provides insight about how to move from the archetype of Princess to the archetype of Queen so as ruler of your own Queendom, you can more easily get the outcome you desire. She takes a deep-dive into the nuts and bolts of having difficult conversations, whether those conversations are about finances, divorce, or infidelity.

Top Take-a-ways

👑 Preparation is key: Collect information and set a mutually agreed-upon time to have a conversation. When you ask for permission and prepare beforehand, you set yourself up for a productive and respectful conversation.

👑 Build in a definitive ending time: It’s important to give yourself and the person you are talking to the safety of a pre-arranged ending time. Conversations tend to devolve the longer they go. Give yourselves a break and agree to do something fun together at the conclusion of the conversation.

👑 Don’t keep talking about it: When the conversation is done, let it go! Avoid talking about difficult topics outside of the agreed-upon conversation time, as it doesn’t create a sense of safety or trust in the relationship.

Remember, being a queen means taking care of yourself and those around you with elegance and grace. Growing up means learning how to hard things, such as having difficult conversations in service of creating a stronger bond. Listen to the entire episode to get more insights from the speaker and let us know your thoughts! 🎧



Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.


About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.


BetterHelpThank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at


#FLAUNT #GrowUpQueen #LoraCheadle #infidelity #betrayal #selfcare #relationships #podcasttips #podcastrecommendations #flauntyourfire #podcastersofinstagram #podcastinglife


Topics Covered in the Audio Session

– Acknowledging Difficult Conversations

– Battling Anxiety and Fear

– Avoiding Difficult Conversations

– Approach to Hard Conversations

– Importance of Preparation

– Asking for Permission

– Managing Anxiety and Time Constraints

– Repairing a Marriage

Key Points

– It’s important to acknowledge difficult conversations and take responsibility for preparing adequately before having them.

– One should battle anxiety and fear by being honest, self-aware, and taking care of oneself first, as it is the queen’s job to elevate everyone collectively.

– Difficult conversations about finances should be avoided, but ultimately one should take ownership of their emotions and have the conversation anyways.

– The timing of the conversation is crucial and permission should be sought beforehand to make it productive and respectful.

– Preparation is key before having important conversations, and it’s important to manage anxiety and not slip in more questions.

– When having a fair-related conversation to repair a marriage, it’s important to give yourself and the other person a break and not slip in more questions or conversations outside of the agreed-upon time.




Narrator [00:00:01]:


You’re listening to FLAUNT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life your body, or someone that you love, you’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence joy and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish, tune in weekly, and learn how.


Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:


Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love. after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and I’m an attorney and betrayal recovery coach. and I believe the betrayal uncovers the truth. Betrail uncovers the truth of all of those unacknowledged things inside of us that we have masked and covered. and when we are brave enough


Lora Cheadle [00:01:03]:


to finally look at all of those things That is where the healing begins. I would love to connect


Lora Cheadle [00:01:12]:


to see how I can best support you on your betrayal recovery journey. So you can get to the bottom of what really happened and heal faster. skipping the mistakes, the pain, and the obsessive thoughts that plagued me during my own betrayal recovery journey. Before we go any further, I want to remind you to hop on over to betrayal recovery guide .com and download your copy of my Sparkle after the trail recovery guide. It will also put you on my list so you will get all sorts of good things. tools, tips, tricks, downloadable meditations, and it will keep you in the loop and help you stay strong and connected to who you are and what you want most after recovery. Today, we are going to talk about growing up, and it’s a really important, but also a really sensitive topic.


Lora Cheadle [00:02:16]:


because there’s such a fine line when we have been hurt, when we have been victimized, when we need to step back and to be tender and compassionate with ourselves so we can heal. There’s a really fine line between that and then not humbling ourselves. stepping into doing the hard work and moving from the archetype of the princess to that of the queen. And


Lora Cheadle [00:02:53]:


if you’re not really sure what I mean by that. What I mean by that is so many of us. I don’t wanna say all of us because I don’t exactly know how you were raised, but so many of us were raised with the belief that love was magical,


Lora Cheadle [00:03:11]:


that love was a fairy tale, that true love meant We would be cherished and loved and cared for. And while all of that is true,


Lora Cheadle [00:03:26]:


true love is so much


Lora Cheadle [00:03:28]:


more than that. Being in love, being in a relationship, also requires us to be in the state of responsibility and accountability. not only for the other person, but for us. Most importantly, for us, for ourselves. And, yes, while it’s nice to have a partnership


Lora Cheadle [00:03:57]:


where somebody else can you know, engage with you and support and do do some of the things and and the help. And and you can really have that give and take. The bottom line is We are all responsible


Lora Cheadle [00:04:11]:


for our self, and that’s really hard.


Lora Cheadle [00:04:17]:


And the reason I want to address it is because I even know from my own journey. It’s hard to grow up. I hate the phrase man up, but for lack of a better phrase, that’s what I’m talking about. How to, like, really man up and make decisions. Make hard decisions and do hard things. You know? Glenn and Doyle show about we can do hard things is a really popular show. And the idea of you can do hard things, and we can do hard things


Lora Cheadle [00:04:51]:


is kind of a thing right now.


Lora Cheadle [00:04:54]:


But it takes more than just the raw raw. We can do hard things. It’s How do we do hard things? How do we move from that, you know, cherished princess? into a true queen who is sovereign


Lora Cheadle [00:05:13]:


over herself, over her life, and who creates and who does hard things. How do you do that?


Lora Cheadle [00:05:24]:


And that’s what I want to talk about in the show. Because if you’re anything like me, like so many of the women that I coach, and work with. So many of the women that come up to me after conferences and things like that. It’s


Lora Cheadle [00:05:39]:


hard to actually make the decision, to actually do that thing that we know inside needs to be done. And here’s why. It’s hard to do that thing. that we know we need to do because we don’t want to make a mistake. 1st and foremost, we don’t want to make a mistake. We don’t wanna hurt ourselves. We don’t wanna let this relationship go because what if I never find a better one? We don’t wanna let this job go because What if this was the best that I ever had? We don’t wanna say or do something that irreparably damages everything for the future. We don’t wanna make a mistake.


Lora Cheadle [00:06:29]:


And that’s fair. I mean, who wants to make a nobody just wants to. Nobody sets out to go make big mistakes.


Lora Cheadle [00:06:37]:


But even worse than our own, yeah, I don’t wanna do this. is the cultural beliefs around making a mistake. There’s a lot of shame


Lora Cheadle [00:06:49]:


around it. Like, you should know better.


Lora Cheadle [00:06:52]:


You should do better. Really? Why? How? Maybe you should know better, or maybe you should do better if you’ve already done something and learned it 10,000 times. Maybe, but maybe not. There are so many things in life where It is just kind of a guessing game. And how should you know better? And how should you do better? So that’s the first thing that I want you to think about. 1st is, why should I know better? Or why should I do better? if there’s a reason like, if you have concrete


Lora Cheadle [00:07:33]:


reasoning or concrete examples that this is a problem or this is going to happen, that’s one thing.


Lora Cheadle [00:07:41]:


But otherwise, it’s just kind of conjecture.


Lora Cheadle [00:07:45]:


The second part of that is Who is going to be mad at this? We don’t wanna make people mad. We don’t wanna rock the boat. We don’t wanna upset people. The second thing is to ask yourself, who am I impacting if things go wrong? So if you feel if you know inside that this relationship is not


Lora Cheadle [00:08:08]:


really going to work for me. I don’t really care about recovery. I don’t want to stay.


Lora Cheadle [00:08:15]:


or on the flip side, I know it doesn’t really make sense,


Lora Cheadle [00:08:19]:


but I really feel like there’s more to this story. but you’re afraid to make that decision. Ask yourself


Lora Cheadle [00:08:26]:


who am I afraid that I’m going to hurt. If you’re afraid you’re going to hurt your parents or your extended family,


Lora Cheadle [00:08:36]:


think about that a little bit. It’s not up to you to preserve their feelings


Lora Cheadle [00:08:44]:


at your own expense. It’s up to you to live your own life and to make your decisions. You are the sovereign queen of the universe. you are not the princess who will have things taken away if she does wrong. Thinking about the archetype of the princess,


Lora Cheadle [00:09:03]:


the princess is living really at the whim of other people. She is pampered. She is adored. She has given beautiful clothes, and she has a tiara, and everybody loves her and worship, certain doors her. Why? because she’s compliant, because she’s pretty, because she’s ornamental.


Lora Cheadle [00:09:27]:


because she is kind of seen and not heard she doesn’t rock the boat.


Lora Cheadle [00:09:33]:


A princess is kind of like, arm candy. A princess is an accessory. She is a petted pampered poodle. And, you know, I’m just gonna say sometimes it’s fun to be a petted pampered poodle. Sometimes that is fun because life is hard, and we do do things all the time. And we take care of other people, and it’s exhausting.


Lora Cheadle [00:09:57]:


And sometimes it’s nice just to be like, yep. Let me be the accessory. You take care of me. You make all the decisions. and I will just smile and be cute.


Lora Cheadle [00:10:09]:


But really, how long are you going to be in that role?


Lora Cheadle [00:10:16]:


Because if that’s the role that you really want to live and die in, and you can choose that, that’s totally fine. But if that’s the rule that you wanna embody. If that is the most that you want, then that is the most that you will get.


Lora Cheadle [00:10:32]:


You will never be more than somebody else’s accessory. And your happiness, the attention that you receive, will always be dependent on what somebody else wants to give. If they find you pleasing enough to give you attention, you will get it. And if they don’t find you pleasing enough, to Pamper in worship, then you’re not going to get it. So your entire life, you will be. seeking to please others, seeking to perform for others, and seeking to conform to somebody else’s expectation of who you are. And again, if that’s the choice that you choose, by all means, be the queen and choose that choice, and then stick with it. But all choices have consequences.


Lora Cheadle [00:11:33]:


All choices have consequences.


Lora Cheadle [00:11:39]:


So if that is the role that you choose The consequence is you will never be enough. You will never be enough. because somebody is always going to want something more from you. Somebody is always going. to seek something from you. And you will always, always be kept in that position of seeking to please.


Lora Cheadle [00:12:11]:


You will never be allowed to validate yourself You will always be seeking to please somebody else or to prove that you were worthy enough for somebody else.


Lora Cheadle [00:12:26]:


So let’s talk about the archetype of the queen as opposed to the princess.


Lora Cheadle [00:12:33]:


Here’s here’s the similarities and the differences.


Lora Cheadle [00:12:36]:


They are both royalty. They are both special. They are both worthy. Sometimes I struggle with the archetype of royalty because to me, that kinda sounds like some people are inherently worthier than others, and I believe that we are all inherently worthy. But that little tiny was decide, let’s just go with that analogy. As royalty, you are worthy. As royalty You are deserving. You are important. You are special. And let’s face it. In our lives, And in our personal relationships, we all want to be royalty.


Lora Cheadle [00:13:21]:


If we’re not if we’re not treated as royalty, if we don’t treat others as royalty, quite frankly, why are we together?


Lora Cheadle [00:13:30]:


If you see somebody in your family as the Joker, why would you wanna be with them? Why would you want to bring them into the fold?


Lora Cheadle [00:13:41]:


And if you see yourself as the joker, why would you want to be around other people who view you in that role. Find a different group of people. Find a group of people where you honor them


Lora Cheadle [00:13:56]:


and they honor you. So royalty. inherent


Lora Cheadle [00:14:05]:


worth and value and importance.


Lora Cheadle [00:14:08]:


That’s the similarities between a princess and a queen. What makes it different though is the queen doesn’t have to answer to anybody else. the queen makes decisions. Yes. The queen has advisers. Yes. The queen seeks counsel. but the ultimate decision is up to her. Whether it’s like Queen Elizabeth. who, you know, sought the advice of prime ministers who worked together. Yes. The prime minister is important, but the queen has the final say. or whether it’s, you know, the more mythological of the queen and the kingdom. It’s up to the queen. to make decisions. She does not seek permission


Lora Cheadle [00:15:00]:


from anyone. She is wise. And, again, we’re talking about the archetypal queen. I don’t want you thinking, well, yeah, there’s queens that have been hedonistic,


Lora Cheadle [00:15:12]:


there is queens that have been evil. Just think about the evil queen. It’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the archetypal queen.


Lora Cheadle [00:15:21]:


The archetypal queen is wise. She does things for the good of the kingdom. She does things for the good of all, and she takes care of herself exquisitely well so she can


Lora Cheadle [00:15:40]:


rule and take care of her kingdom. She is fair. She is honest. She is clear. She seeks counsel and advice. She weighs the options and she makes decisions. And here’s what’s important too. when she’s wrong. When she’s made that bad decision. When she’s made a mistake she owns it. and she fixes it. She doesn’t blame. She doesn’t shame. She doesn’t make excuses. She doesn’t seek permission from anybody else. She does what she needs to do. And that’s my question for you. How often


Lora Cheadle [00:16:36]:


are you that wise leader? How often do you need, do what you need to do, and how often if you’re like I used to be, and Like, so many people that I work with are. You kinda go, but I don’t wanna do that. And I wanna say it’s normal to say, I don’t wanna do it. We had some tremendous


Lora Cheadle [00:16:58]:


rains lately. Let me tell you big time hailstorms, big time rain. And our basement flooded. And, you know,


Lora Cheadle [00:17:07]:


I know you could relate to this. But I come down and I look at the flood and I look at these boxes and water and I just I just think, oh god. I can’t do this. Like, I don’t want to I don’t wanna start pulling stuff out. I don’t wanna start getting facts. I don’t wanna start moving. Like, I just don’t even wanna start this project. It’s so over my head. And I think that sometimes when I work too, You know, I’ll open up email, and I’ll realize I’m 2,000,000 emails behind, and I’ll think, I just don’t even wanna do that. I just I just can’t tackle that right now. Or same thing. It it’ll be time for dinner, and I’ll walk into the kitchen, and it’s like, I just can’t. I just can’t.


Lora Cheadle [00:17:49]:


and that’s normal.


Lora Cheadle [00:17:52]:


And it’s totally healthy. To give yourself some compassion, some grace, and some space, and to listen to yourself, and to realize, like, if I’m not into if I’m not down for this, I’m not doing it, and that’s okay.


Lora Cheadle [00:18:08]:


But when it comes to some of the big things that are hard to do, That’s when you have to grow up. That’s when you have to dig deep, and that’s when you have to do what you need to do regardless of whether you wanna do it or not. Let’s talk about some of those things. If you’re in a relationship, and your partner really has needs and you really don’t wanna do it, there are times you just need to grow up. You need to do it. You need to pick through the hard stuff. You need to have some of those conversations.


Lora Cheadle [00:18:47]:


My husband and I never have been good, at having conversations around finances. He tends to get triggered.


Lora Cheadle [00:18:57]:


I tend to get anxious. and our conversations around finance do not go well. So in the past, we have had a tendency


Lora Cheadle [00:19:06]:


to avoid them. just don’t have the conversation. Don’t talk about it. We’ll just let it go. He lost his father recently, and there’s been a lot going on around you guessed it finances. And looking through somebody else’s messed up finances makes you realize sometimes how out of control your own are. passwords, accounts, policies, like all of these things. And it was one of those things that inside I kept thinking, I don’t even wanna address this. I don’t wanna bring it up. I know it’s gonna cause problems. I know he’s gonna get triggered. I know I’m gonna get afraid. I know I’m gonna have all this fear, and it’s not gonna go well. And then I realized, you know what? I’m not the scared little princess who seeks to please. If he gets triggered, he needs to own his own triggering. And if I get anxious and afraid, I need to own my own anxiety and fear


Lora Cheadle [00:20:11]:


So I told him that you need to manage your triggering.


Lora Cheadle [00:20:15]:


I need to manage my anxiety and fear. And I also said since so many of the benefits and policies and things came from your job, I don’t know about them. So I’m also battling the sense of ignorance, this sense of shame, that I didn’t learn about it sooner, the sense of embarrassment that I’ve let so many years go by where I didn’t ask relevant questions about those things. and I have to manage that. So let’s come to each other, and let’s be honest about what we think is going to come up within us. Not what we think is going to come up in the other person. That’s other kind of a a different form of othering that’s focusing on other people and Isn’t it just easier to focus on other people’s shortcomings? It is so much easier to focus on other people’s shortcomings. than it is, your own. It’s so much easier to diagnose others, so to tell them what they should be doing, but that’s kind of not the point. Queens don’t do that. Queens don’t sit around and focus on other people they take care of themselves, so they can take good care of their kingdom.


Lora Cheadle [00:21:29]:


I guess they should be calling it a queendom. Right? Anyway, so I can tell you what my husband needs to focus on. but I can also guarantee he knows what he needs to focus on.


Lora Cheadle [00:21:42]:


I know what I need to focus on, but it’s kinda hard to admit. It’s kinda hard to come up to him and say, I have fear, I have shame, I have anxiety, I have embarrassment, I have all of these negative emotions.


Lora Cheadle [00:21:55]:


That’s what I did. That’s growing up. That’s owning it. That is how do you do hard things by doing it? You do it by doing it. How do you do it? By looking within. Not by looking outside of yourself it’s not out there. That’s why I say betrayal uncovers the truth. The truth of all of those unacknowledged


Lora Cheadle [00:22:21]:


things inside of us.


Lora Cheadle [00:22:25]:


So here’s all the unacknowledged things. inside of me. The make having financial conversations difficult.


Lora Cheadle [00:22:33]:


So I go to him, and I say. It’s time I stepped up. I need to own this.


Lora Cheadle [00:22:40]:


It’s important. You are a valuable person to me. We are partners doing this together. I know I have a lot of work that I need to do, and I want to start having more conversations.


Lora Cheadle [00:22:59]:


I want to start having healthy conversations. Do you think that’s something that we can do? Are you interested in that? Didn’t say one thing about him.


Lora Cheadle [00:23:10]:


And he said, yeah. We really need to do that. That was it for a while. Let that go. Let it go. Hang out. Then I went and did some of my own work. I read


Lora Cheadle [00:23:24]:


some things on different financial benefits. I talked to our financial planner and figured out if there was a time if we could all meet together.


Lora Cheadle [00:23:33]:


and I also started looking at different tools.


Lora Cheadle [00:23:37]:


What are some tools that I can use to calm my anxiety in the moment so I don’t train wreck this conversation.


Lora Cheadle [00:23:44]:


And I figured out box breathing. Box breathing where you breathe in for a certain count like in for a count of 4. You hold for a count of 4.


Lora Cheadle [00:23:56]:


You exhale for a count of 4. and then you hold empty lungs for a count of 4. And you repeat that 3 or 4 times. I practiced it, and I was like, hey. This box breathing really helps me re anchor into myself


Lora Cheadle [00:24:12]:


into what is important to me. And for me, I even liked the idea, the visual of a box, because I was seeing my finances in the box, and I’m like, I need to manage this box.


Lora Cheadle [00:24:24]:


The last three shows, hopefully, you’ve listened to them. They were conversations with the betraying partner. And they were 3 very intimate and deep conversations that I had with my husband talking the first one about what his state of mind was before the affairs, what led up to that. The second one was what happened during the affairs, the state of mind around that, and then the third one was what happened after. the affairs. And if you haven’t checked those out, please go check them out. They are truly very enlightening. Anyway, one of the things that he talked about in, I believe, all three of those shows was the idea of compartmentalization. and compartmentalization is a normal healthy thing that we all do. When we’re at work or we’re focusing on something, we’re focusing on that task. We’re not totally distracted by what’s happening at home or what’s happening with our friends. We kinda tune those things out, and we focus on the task at hand. Same thing, like if we’re cooking dinner or reading a book for fun, we’re focusing on that task at hand. We’re not thinking about 50 different things all at the same time. And that’s compartmentalization. That’s why I liked the visual of a box in box breathing because I needed bounce. I needed to know that I am compartmentalizing just to have these conversations around finance. I need to educate myself. I want to educate myself. As the queen of my own queendom and my own life, I need to learn this, and I want to learn this. So I compartmented it. I put it in this little box. Can I do this one hard thing?


Lora Cheadle [00:26:06]:


Yes. I can do this one hard thing. How?


Lora Cheadle [00:26:10]:


By focusing on me, not focusing on the other person, by preparing for the conversation by telling him, hey. Can we have this conversation? And then me doing some of the work and setting up a time and doing some reading, And then third, by giving myself a tool to manage the anxiety that I can imagine. that I will feel having this conversation. Now the next thing that I am going to do, I haven’t done yet, But the next thing that I am going to do is I’m going to set a limited period of time to have this conversation. None of us can figure everything out in 10 minutes time or an hour or 3 hours. and the more time we lean into something, the more frustrated we are going to get, and the more likely we are going to be to be triggered. to fall apart. The more likely our partners are to be triggered or to fall apart.


Lora Cheadle [00:27:12]:


How do you eat an elephant? bite at a time. So the next thing I’m going to do is schedule that bite. Yay. We’ve got our conversation with our financial planner coming up. I’m going to set that. It’s going to be 90 minutes. then I’m going to walk away. Because as the queen, I have other things to do.


Lora Cheadle [00:27:36]:


After that 90 minutes, I will let it go. If there’s something I need to learn or follow-up on, of course, I will, but not in that moment. And here’s the important part. I’m not going to continue to bother anybody else around that. That means I’m not going to call the financial planner 12 times that same day, nor am I going to ask my husband forty nine questions that same day. I am creating healthy boundaries both for myself and for my partner. And when I do that when I take responsibility to create 8 and abide by those boundaries, it ups the level of trust and safety in the relationship.


Lora Cheadle [00:28:23]:


It ups the levels of trust and safety in the relationships. and I wanna say so much more about this. So much more. I set this conversation up for success. I didn’t just,


Lora Cheadle [00:28:42]:


all of a sudden, launch into talking about something that the person I was talking to wasn’t prepared for.


Lora Cheadle [00:28:52]:


I thought


Lora Cheadle [00:28:53]:


I had conversations with friends where I could kind of do my free range thinking. And I prepared because I took responsibility to set this conversation up for success. because I am a queen, and because my job is to make things go well. My job is not to lead my country into war. My job is not to make people so irritated that they are going to revolt or leave or yell off with her head. My job is to bring everybody in and to elevate all of us collectively. It is such a misnomer that we can just talk in relationships. It is so not true that just because we live with someone and we love someone and we’re related to them that we can just talk. Oh my gosh, of course, we all just wanna talk. And there are times that you can just talk. You can just talk when it’s not important. You can talk about the weather. You can talk about TV shows. You can talk about what’s going on with people. You can talk about all of these things under the sun but do not talk about important topics unless you have prepared for them. just like you might prepare for a work conversation. Just like you might prepare when you’re advocating for your children, when you’re going to the doctor and you’re helping an aging parent.


Lora Cheadle [00:30:28]:


When you were calling insurance and you’re filing a claim and you need to advocate on behalf of yourself, You get documents pulled together. You might write down notes of the timeline and dates so you get things right.


Lora Cheadle [00:30:44]:


You collect your information. You pull it together. You think it through and you process it. And then this is a huge one. The person that you need to talk to? You kind of find out if now is a good time. You walk into the classroom and you see the teacher and you say, hey. Is now a good time to talk about the individualized learning plan for my child? And the teacher might say, yes. Let me put these papers down, and we’ll tackle this. Or no. I’m actually on my way out the door I’m doing an after school club. Can we talk about it on Thursday? When you call insurance to file a claim, If somebody answers, you ask or they will tell you or they won’t even answer. They will call you back when it’s a good time, or you will say, when can we talk about this? You would never just walk into a coworker’s office, whether it’s a boss, a subordinate, a a equal coworker, you would never just spring something on somebody. You would let them know, hey. I wanna talk about the whatever account. Hey. We’ve got some problems that are coming up here that I found. We need to talk about this. You’re always asking for that person’s permission because it’s important.


Lora Cheadle [00:32:09]:


Because it’s important, you need to know that they are capable and able to hear you. And if not,


Lora Cheadle [00:32:17]:


very rare we might be disappointed.


Lora Cheadle [00:32:19]:


We might be like, dang. I was all keyed up and ready to do that, and they’re not available. Darn it. But very rarely would we take that personally,


Lora Cheadle [00:32:30]:


yet in our personal relationships, We feel entitled to just spring it on somebody else whenever we feel it. Hey. Let me tell you about this and blah blah blah blah blah blah. We don’t know the state of mind our partners and maybe they’re thinking about something else. Maybe it’s just not a good time. Maybe they’re having some mental health struggles themselves. You’ve got to ask for permission. Ask for that conversation. Hey. I’d love to talk about finances. When’s a good time? Or And I’ve said this before, and I say this to all my coaching clients when you’re talking to your partner about the affair. What’s a good time? I have some difficult questions for you. I’d like to have a sensitive conversation. When can we do it? Because you’re setting yourself up for success. and a queen sets herself up for success. A queen does not set herself up for failure. You set yourself up for success by asking permission is now a good time. And I’m not saying permission to speak. That’s different. It’s permission to have the conversation. You need to have permission to have the conversation, not permission to say what you need to say. once you find a time where both parties can be fully present, both parties. And if somebody says, You know, I can’t do it right now. How about Thursday, and Thursday is not a good day for you? Again, you can say, actually, that doesn’t work. Can we look at Friday? And you come together at a mutually agreed upon date and time, so both of you understand and recognize that it’s important, and you can both be fully present. So once you have done that, You set the you continue creating success in the conversation by only talking about What’s going on for you and what you need to own?


Lora Cheadle [00:34:25]:


It’s good to practice. It’s good to prepare. It’s nice if you’ve got a trusted girlfriend


Lora Cheadle [00:34:33]:


or a counselor or a coach. that you can start talking these things through with because then you can talk, and then you can figure out what it is that’s going on. One of the things in my coaching package, I give my clients unlimited unlimited access to me.


Narrator [00:34:54]:




Lora Cheadle [00:34:55]:


unlimited access to me. And what I tell people to do is hop on Voxer, which is a walkie talkie app, and start talking things through. Talk things through to me. You can pretend that I’m your partner.


Lora Cheadle [00:35:10]:


You can just talk to me about what’s going on in your mind because


Lora Cheadle [00:35:14]:


you might be an external processor, a lot of us are. and it’s really important to do that external processing


Lora Cheadle [00:35:22]:


and to get it out of your head because when you’re just thinking it through, Oftentimes, there’s loops


Lora Cheadle [00:35:29]:


that you don’t realize are there


Lora Cheadle [00:35:31]:


until you say it to somebody else.


Lora Cheadle [00:35:34]:


And then when you say it to somebody else, then you’re like, oh, there’s a loop in that thinking that I didn’t really understand. And then that somebody else, like me, if I’m your coach, will vox you back and be like, you are so right on with this, but this doesn’t make sense. or this is something you can control, but this is not something you can control.


Lora Cheadle [00:35:56]:


So what are you gonna do? Why don’t you start thinking about something over here? What’s gonna happen if somebody says this? Have you thought about that?


Lora Cheadle [00:36:08]:


And then you could have some of those little things, those little bugs worked out. before you even have the conversation, and the conversation has less of a chance of getting derailed. And then I can also say things like, oh, that sounds accusatory. You know? Or is that something you really want to know? Because if you really want to know that, that’s one thing, but that’s also something you can’t unhear. So let’s talk about that. How would you feel if you learn that little detail?


Lora Cheadle [00:36:45]:


How would you feel if you see or hear something different? And then that just gives you a chance to go a little bit deeper and, again, to be more prepared and to set the conversation up. for success. Again, going to the queen analogy, if you were a queen and you were dealing with heads of state, from other governments or queendoms or kingdoms, are you just going to walt into the conference room and start randomly talking about everything that your queendom needs? No.


Lora Cheadle [00:37:20]:


You’re going to pull together relevant documents. You were going to have studies. You were going to have surveys. You were going to have laws and regulations and you are going to be prepared for the conversation, and you might even practice that conversation out loud with your trusted advisers. and you will sit around this beautiful fancy conference table, and you are going to talk things through. And you’re going to say this is what I think is best for the queendom, and people will say, a lady. That is amazing, but have you thought about blah blah blah blah blah, and then you’re going to say, oh, thank you. Teach me about that because we’re not all experts at all things. We can’t see Everybody’s different perspective,


Lora Cheadle [00:38:09]:


and that’s what that advising is for. That’s what coaching is for. When I coach with people, not only do I ask the questions


Lora Cheadle [00:38:21]:


to help you go deeper, But I also serve as an advocate. I’m a lawyer. I will advocate for you and for your best interests.


Lora Cheadle [00:38:31]:


and I will be able to advise and say things like that. So will your friends? So will your family members? So all the people that love you, they will be able to advocate for you, and they will say, that sounds really good, but I know you.


Lora Cheadle [00:38:52]:


And it seems like what you’re saying is kind of against some of the core values that you have really, you know, had in your life that you have demonstrated that doesn’t really make sense. Can you explain to me why that’s okay. And then you can go deeper, and you can figure it out. Now once you’ve done all this, you’ve set up the conversation to be successful, you’ve talked it out with other people so you kinda know what’s going on. An important important important thing is knowing when to quit. I’m so bad at this, by the way. I am so bad at knowing when to quit. At least that I know that I know, that I’m bad and knowing when to quit. But something that ups the safety in relationships is being able to walk away.


Lora Cheadle [00:39:45]:


being able to truly disengage without emotion without blame without shame and to walk away and to do something else fun. Because difficult conversations are difficult.


Lora Cheadle [00:39:59]:


How do you do it first by preparing by asking permission, by practicing, but also by knowing when to quit. And by giving yourself and the other person a break, especially if you’re having a fair related conversations and you want to repair the marriage. Have the difficult conversation, but then you’ve got to go have some fun together. Go take a break. Go take a walk in the park. Go get some ice cream. go chill out and, you know, on the couch in front of Netflix. Do something fun. Go dance. laugh. Watch a comedian. Do something fun together that has come a complete break. And don’t slip in. Well, I’ve got one more question. Hey. The other day when you were talking about blah blah blah blah blah. Stop it. That does not create safety. Your partner will be more open to you. If they can trust that we’re only talking about these difficult things during our 60 minute conversation, during our 90 minute conversation. And the rest of the time, I’m safe. The rest of the time, if you’ve got something else write it down,


Lora Cheadle [00:41:12]:


or ask my permission to talk. In the same way, you would not want somebody always hijacking you


Lora Cheadle [00:41:20]:


about the worst thing that you ever did in your life. You would want some safety, you would want to calm the nervous system because this is all about safety, psychological safety, and calming the nervous system. especially if you’re trying to either work things out or have a cordial relationship with your partner because you’ve got a co parents and You wanna have an amicable divorce. You need to be able to calm the nervous system, create safety. And when you call the nervous system and create safety, you’re in the thinking portion of your brain anyway. so you’re gonna have better decisions.


Lora Cheadle [00:42:02]:


And, yeah, it’s hard,


Lora Cheadle [00:42:03]:


and that’s why I was saying it’s about growing up. is about humbling yourself to be able to say, these are my triggers. These are the things that I struggle with. And in order to have difficult conversations, I do need to do a better job.


Lora Cheadle [00:42:18]:


I need to do a better job at planning or preparing. or talking about with somebody else or knowing when to stop. You have to know yourself.


Lora Cheadle [00:42:32]:


I use the analogy of Burlesque a lot. And if you’ve listened to my show, you probably know that my burlesque name, my burlesque alter ego, is Socrates. And I explain all about the Burlesque alter ego in my book. So pick up my book FLAUNT, drop your cover, and reveal you’re smart. succy and spiritual cells and do the burlesque alter ego exercises. They are a ton of fun. But my burlesque name is Socrates. And the reason that I suggest having a burlesque alter ego is the alter ego is that version of yourself that is fully expressed,


Lora Cheadle [00:43:17]:


fully revealed. and fully powerful.


Lora Cheadle [00:43:22]:


And it’s hard to step into that queendom. It’s hard to step into that fully expressed fully powerful piece of ourselves because we’re all worried about judgment. We’re all worried about making other people happy. We’re all worried about how we look. But when you have that alter ego, you can step into her. And that’s what I do, and that’s why I really advise people to do, and that’s why I’m like, go grab that book and do those exercises. Because you’re about to have a difficult conversation. Is it hard for Lora to have a difficult conversation? Yes. Lora doesn’t know where to start. Lora sometimes wants to go in too many directions all at the same time. Lora’s mind is like squirrel, squirrel, squirrel.


Lora Cheadle [00:44:08]:


But you know what? Chakra tease. Chakra’s mind is focused. She is on point. She knows when to call it quit because she is fully sovereign. She is fully powerful. She doesn’t care what people think. She cares about creating good. She cares about ruling with wisdom. and love, and divinely connected power. She cares about how she feels. and she will create and elevate


Lora Cheadle [00:44:48]:


without fear.


Lora Cheadle [00:44:51]:


And stepping into her energy. Makes me Lora. A better person.


Lora Cheadle [00:45:03]:


Stepping into her energy keeps my nervous system calm. It helps keep those around me who I’m in interaction with, it keeps helps their nervous system stay calm. It keeps me out of blaming people. Yeah. You said this. Well, yeah, at least I’m not doing that. Well, hey. You’re the one that’s getting out of control. You stop yelling. You stop yelling. It breaks me out of that because it’s not me. It’s Chakra.


Lora Cheadle [00:45:29]:


and she can do what I sometimes struggle with.


Lora Cheadle [00:45:34]:


So how do you do hard things? Sometimes you just need to step into that identity. Sometimes you need to step into your higher self. and it’s just easier having a name to put with it because to say I’m gonna step into my highest self, great. Maybe you can do that, but I need an identity. I need a name. And, yeah, there’s some things that I also do to help me connect with her.


Lora Cheadle [00:46:05]:


I’ve got some shimmer lotion. I can put on that shimmer lotion because I’m shimmery and powerful.


Lora Cheadle [00:46:12]:


I’ve got some powerful lip gloss. I put on my lip gloss, I put on my shimmer glass, and I am ready to rule baby. I step into that power that is me.


Lora Cheadle [00:46:25]:


But that is that unwounded, undamaged, all knowing version of me.


Lora Cheadle [00:46:33]:


And that’s how you do hard things, and that’s how you have difficult conversations. And the thing is when I was talking about triggers too, know that you’re going to have some triggers. Know it. Know what they are and finds them tools to help you manage those triggers. If you need help, reach out again, like, I found the box breath tool that works for me because my finances are in a and I want that box taken care of. Use those little games. Use those little tools for you. Sometimes it can be like a safe word. Say your safe word, and that means I gotta go outside and take a walk for 10 minutes. I can’t continue this right now.


Lora Cheadle [00:47:16]:


It might be movement. Doing a shimmy shaking your hands. Things like that can really help dissipate energy. experiment with different tools.


Lora Cheadle [00:47:29]:


And when I talk about humbling yourself and growing up, Be honest with your partner. This is what I’m going through. This is hard for me. These are my triggers, and I am owning them. I’m not expecting you to manage me. I will manage me, you manage you. I’m not telling you what’s wrong with you. All I’m telling you


Lora Cheadle [00:47:52]:


is how I’m gonna manage me.


Lora Cheadle [00:47:55]:


And that’s really hard, and I just wanna acknowledge and admit growing up is hard. Doing hard things as hard. You know, like when I said, coming down from my basement, it’s like this is overwhelming. I don’t even want to start. And yet I am the adult in the house, and I have to start. Be the adult in the house. Be the queen of your own queen done. Be be the queen of your own life.


Lora Cheadle [00:48:25]:


seek counsel and do the hard thing by preparing, by knowing your triggers, by admitting by humbling yourself. And also, by listening to feedback. Feedback by trusted people is an important thing.


Lora Cheadle [00:48:46]:


Again, last week, my husband came to me after meeting with his therapist. And he said, I’d like to have a talk asking permission. And I said, now would actually be a really good time because I’m dying to hear what you talked about. in counseling. And he said, well, I actually had some questions around you, and I want to share some information about you. Okay. That’s a big gulp. But, again, he asked for permission, and he wanted to share some information. He’s not telling me You did this wrong. And it was already you know, it’s like you feel your back come up. You’re like, And I said, okay. But after you share it, I’m gonna wanna walk away. After you share it, I don’t wanna talk about it because I’m sure I will be feeling defensive, and I will will wanna defend myself, and I won’t really let it land. So let’s share it gently, please. And that’s another thing. You can ask somebody, do you wanna hear this gently, or do you wanna hear it, or do you want me to be blunt? I said, share it gently, and then let’s walk away. And I’m I’m gonna need some time alone to process. And he was like, okay. That’s totally fine.


Lora Cheadle [00:50:07]:


And he shared some information with me.


Lora Cheadle [00:50:09]:


And sure enough, I felt defensive. I felt like that it would have — to do all that. That’s your problem. That’s not my problem. I don’t need to. It was about giving him some more attention and some different things that I do when I don’t give the attention when I get so locked into my work and my focus that I ignore what’s going on around me. And sure enough, I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to explain. Yeah. But, yeah, but, yeah, but when I start working, it


Lora Cheadle [00:50:38]:


well, yeah, but when I’m on a roll, blah blah blah. Yep. And it was like, nope. Just here. Just listen. And I walked away, and I processed. And


Lora Cheadle [00:50:49]:


We didn’t say anything for the rest of the day because I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to own it. And it wasn’t until the next day, And I went to him, and same thing I asked. I said, I’d love to revisit our conversation from yesterday if you’ve got time. And he’s like, yeah. Now would be a great time. And I was like, okay. Here’s what I really need to own. Here’s what was really spot on about that, and I appreciate it. And I want to be a better partner to you. And because I want to be a better partner to you, I’m hearing that, and I’m understanding it. And here’s what I can do differently about acknowledging you — and paying attention to you when you really have something important that you wanna say to me. And here’s how I’m not going to dismiss you. And I’m doing that because I want to be a better partner.


Lora Cheadle [00:51:46]:


And I thank you for bringing that to me. And he also had some stuff about boundaries. And on that part, I said, I hear what you’re saying. I hear that you want to set more boundaries to protect your mental health kind of against me in a way. And then I said, but I also want the same. I also want more boundaries that I can set kind of against you. Because


Lora Cheadle [00:52:17]:


I think it’s good for both of us, and I think it’s good for both of us to strengthen our boundaries. So I will hear and accept about giving you some more attention and being more open to that. And I also hear and accept what you’re saying about boundaries, but I also have my own ask on that. And it’s the reciprocity on that. I think we both need some different boundaries on that. And then same thing. He’s like, you know, I actually hear that right away. I’ll think about it, see if there’s anything else that I wanna say. But, yeah, that totally makes sense. And I think maybe we can revisit that conversation a little bit later. And I’m like, yep. So what do you want for dinner?


Lora Cheadle [00:53:00]:


and we moved on. And that’s just such a healthy way to continue to have those difficult conversations. It’s, like I said, the bite of the elephant. light at a time.


Lora Cheadle [00:53:11]:


It’s talking about it. It’s sitting with it. It’s deciding. I decided I wanna be a better partner. I am perfectly within my right to say, You know what? I am just I am focused on my work, and that’s my 1st and foremost, and I’m not gonna stop and take care of you. But I chose to be a better partner, and that is my choice


Lora Cheadle [00:53:29]:


And it’s also my choice if I didn’t want to, but he’s asking me to do certain things in order to partner him better. and I choose yes.


Lora Cheadle [00:53:41]:


And I’m choosing yes because of my desire to be a better partner,


Lora Cheadle [00:53:45]:


not because I feel like I have to serve him.


Lora Cheadle [00:53:49]:


But because I can step into my sovereignty and my power, and I can be a queen, and I can say yes. This is important to me and I’m going to do.


Lora Cheadle [00:53:57]:


— what is important. And I’m going to do what it takes to get the relationship that I want, and your happiness is important to me. And then same thing, you know, like on the boundaries thing, we were talking about strengthening our personal boundaries.


Lora Cheadle [00:54:13]:


That’s still taking thought. He needs to continue to think what does it mean. And then one of the things we talked about briefly was, okay. So let’s talk about if we’re both going strengthen some of our own personal boundaries, then we also need to talk about violation of those boundaries. Because chances are Some of those boundaries might be violated at least in the beginning when we’re kind of renegotiating some things. So what happens when those boundaries are violated? And how do we respond again in love and in honoring each other? by saying, hey. Here was the rule. Here’s what got violated. How do we move forward? But, again, it’s all about


Lora Cheadle [00:54:59]:


because of my power, because of his power, stepping into our agency, stepping into our authority, being the king and queen of ourselves and choosing and knowing that we want more, that we deserve better, And doing what it takes to ensure that those better things that we want, and deserve will each come. our way.


Lora Cheadle [00:55:28]:


Thank you for being with me today.


Lora Cheadle [00:55:30]:


It is my wish. — that we all become queens of our own queendom, that we all do what is best for us, for those around us,


Lora Cheadle [00:55:41]:


and that we all become abundantly clear of who we are and what We deserve, and that we have the power and the ability to say and do the hard things so we can get


Lora Cheadle [00:55:53]:


what we want. and what we deserve.


Lora Cheadle [00:55:57]:


Hop on over to and download your copy of the sparkle after betrayal recovery guide, and let’s take this journey into personal power and sovereignty together. Have an amazing week, and always remember to full want exactly who you are because who you are is always more. Man enough.


Narrator [00:56:24]:


Tune in next time to FLAUNT. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. with radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST, on syndicated Dreamvision 7 radio network. develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love, and embrace who you are today. download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self