Are you betraying yourself? Many women are taught to be “good girls,” to please others, conform to standards, and to perform up to somebody else’s standards. But living like this is a betrayal of self. Unless we know ourselves, and can confidently show ourselves, we risk losing ourselves.

Top take-a-ways

• What it means to “give up too much of yourself” or to self-betray.
• The covert reasons why we tend to self-sacrifice, shrink, and cover who we are.
• Two simple practices for reclaiming your identity, self-worth, and figuring out what you really want.

 

Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.

About Lora:

Author, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth so they can find the courage to claim what’s possible on the other side of betrayal. Learn More & Apply Here! www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com

 

 

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

 

 

 

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Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile!

 

Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

 

You’re listening to FLAUNT!!!, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:

 

Hello there, and welcome to FLAUNT!!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I am Lora Cheadle, And today, we are going to take a deep dive into how to stop giving up too much of yourself. We’re gonna talk about why we do that, why we fall into that incessant need to please and conform and perform for others. And I’m going to give you some practical tools on how to stop How to stop giving it all away for everybody else, how to stop being the martyr, ultimately, how to stop betraying yourself Because that’s what it is. It’s the ultimate form of self betrayal. And this might this might be a lot to swallow, but I just want you to ponder it. Like attracts like.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:01:34]:

 

You’ve probably heard of that before, that like attracts like. And early on in my betrayal recovery journey, I had a friend come over, and she said to me, you know what, Lora? Why are you attracting this? And it was like every hair on the back of my neck raised up, and it was like, I am not attracting this. I was victimized here. He made the choice. I’d and and I just went into that defensive mode. And she was like, uh-uh Pause. I’m not talking about blame. I’m not talking about, like, what did you do wrong? Blah blah blah.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:02:15]:

 

I’m not talking about that. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about your energy. What in your energy allowed this to happen to you. And it was like, oh, Wow. I know what you mean, and I don’t know. I don’t know. And then I started sitting with it and being with it for a while, and I did Start thinking, you know what? There was a lot of me that was the martyr.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:02:47]:

 

I was the long suffering wife in certain ways. My husband Traveled, and he did all the things, and I took care of everything. I was the classic overfunctioner. I overfunctioned. I did things for the kids and the house and the animals and our friends and our families. I did all those things. And I kinda did it with a little bit of that energy, like, yeah. I’ll just do this.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:03:15]:

 

You do that, and I’ll just do this. And it was like, oh, that’s kind of martyr energy. But this is even taking it a little bit deeper. You know I’m big on uncovering the truth. You know I believe the betrayal uncovers the truth, Not only about what somebody else does, but about yourself? Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Huge uncovering of the truth here. Okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:03:46]:

 

It uncovered the truth that I was kind of living with that Self sacrificing, martyr energy. Like, I’ll just take care of everything. But even under that, It was self betrayal. I was betraying myself. I wasn’t living and leaning into my full potential, but it wasn’t even just about my full potential. I wasn’t honoring myself. I wasn’t keeping the promises that I was making to myself. I wasn’t asserting myself as a worthy person.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:04:29]:

 

It’s not that I didn’t have self esteem and self worth. I did. But at the same time, I put myself in the position of being a little bit subservient, Being a little bit not important. Being a little bit too accommodating. And by saying this, I’m not saying that you can’t ever be accommodating, that you can’t Ever put yourself in the position of being like, you guys figure it out. I am just here to support. It’s a lovely thing to support. It’s a lovely thing to be accommodating.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:05:09]:

 

It’s just that when you keep yourself in that position Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, the energy around that shifts. The energy around that shifts. Your internal perception of who you are and what you are worth shifts, and The energy and perception of those around you also shift, And that is a betrayal of self. Never asserting yourself for who you are and for what you were worth is a betrayal of self. Not taking care of yourself and your needs and your wants and your desires is a betrayal of yourself. And, again, I ask you To be realistic and rational around this because I know in defense, when something is a little Too close to the surface when it’s a little little bit too spot on, sometimes our minds throw up defenses. Well, yeah. But, of course, I’m a mom, and I have to sacrifice for my kids, or my husband was the primary breadwinner.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:06:26]:

 

Of course, I had to do that. I get that. Like, I get that. It’s just what is the energy behind that? Are you taking care of your kids and nurturing and nourishing yourself? Are you being there to support your partner while still taking care of yourself. Because for me to be really honest, I wasn’t. For me to be brutally honest, I wasn’t. I was sacrificing myself In hopes that someone else would say, oh my god, Lora. I see what you’re doing.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:07:11]:

 

You are incredible. You are the most selfless woman I’ve ever seen. You do all of these things. You keep this house running. You keep the like, everybody’s life. Your husband’s career is on track because of you. Your business is up and running because of you. Your kids’ successes, it’s all because of you.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:07:38]:

 

Oh my god. You’re amazing. Thank you, Lora. Thank you. So that’s my question to you, is to get really, really honest about your motives sometimes For some of these things that you are doing, what do you want from it? Do you want some of that praise? Nothing wrong with praise. Do you want some of that recognition and validation and acknowledgment? We’re human. We all do. Let’s get real.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:08:11]:

 

Everybody wants recognition and praise and validation and all of that stuff, but at what cost? I do a lot of speaking and training in the burnout space because burnout It’s really the same as betrayal. It’s the giving too much of who you are. It’s the giving up of who you are with this desire to serve others. And what happens when you give up too much of yourself is you lose yourself. And that’s what we’re gonna work on today. That is what we are going to address. But before we do that, before I give you some of the tips and tools and for reclaiming your identity and self worth. I want to invite you in.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:09:08]:

 

I wanna invite you in to my sparkle all season program. For about the last 5 years, I have run a seasonal program called Sparkle All Season, and it’s it’s a wonderful program where we connect, And we really take a deep dive into getting to know ourselves, getting to show ourselves authentically, Speaking up for who we are and what we want and also honoring the seasons, Both the season that we are in, like, in the world, but also the season of life that we are in. So we can quit resisting, and we can start flowing. One of my favorite lines is from a nursery rhyme. And that nursery rhyme, that song is row, row, row your boat. And if you think about the lyrics to that, it’s Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, Merrily merrily, life is but a dream. And I want you to break down those lyrics, Rowing your boat down the stream.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:10:30]:

 

Not rowing your boat against the current and stressing and struggling and, And that it’s merrily, happily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. It’s rowing with the current joyfully. And how often in our lives are we fighting things? We’re resisting everything, and what we resist persists. We’re going up Stream. And even if we are going upstream because there’s times in your life you just have to, are you doing it merrily Because life is a dream and you’re merry, or are you doing it with resentment? Are you doing it with bitterness? Are you doing it with a sense of, here I go, and nobody else can do anything the same way I can do it, and I’m the best one, and nobody else can do There is so incompetent. Blah blah blah blah blah. So that’s the energy That sparkle all season helps you move into. The energy of going downstream, flowing with The stream with the seasons, both the seasons of your life and the season

 

Speaker C [00:11:53]:

 

of the world and the part

 

Lora Cheadle [00:11:55]:

 

of the world that you are in with a sense of being married. And the number one thing the number one piece of feedback that I have gotten these past 5 years is, Oh my gosh. This is so great, Lora. I love having these many moments of connection. I love learning, like, little 5, 10 minute tools To check-in with myself, to make sure that I’m feeling positive, that I’m not living with a sense of, like, I’m the martyr, and I’m so blah blah blah. About remembering to turn my boat around into flow instead of fighting everything, about pulling back, Looking at my life with a big perspective, this is so powerful. This is so huge. This is so incredible.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:12:42]:

 

It allows me to engage and to ground and connect, But then I lose it. I lose it because we move on and I forget. So what I decided to do this year is make Sparkle All Season literally a seasonal program. Fall, Winter, spring, and summer. Because that way, we can bring in the energy of the season that we are in, And you can match that energy to the season of life that you are in, and you can flow more easily, And you can be more merry along the way, so your life will become The dream that you want it to be. So how you get involved, how you become a part of Sparkle All Season is literally go to www.sparkleallseason.com And sign up. I wanna be really clear. This is a I I don’t wanna say it’s small.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:13:59]:

 

It’s small chunks. It’s small, little segments that will be given out to you along the way so you can stay in this place of being okay and in flow and merry and bright. It will help you how to live and flow with the seasons, nature, and the truth of your heart and your soul. It will help you cultivate the courage to look within, to uncover the truth Just like I was talking about my truth of all the ways I was kind of betraying myself as I was setting up this, like, belief System that I’m the overfunctioner, and I have to do everything for everybody as I was letting myself down. This program will help you cultivate the courage to look within, uncover the truth, and really get to know yourself as you Authentically are without shame, without blame. It will help you develop the confidence To show yourself without fear, without judgment so you can really find the freedom to be Exactly as you are. So all of those feelings of being burned out or exhausted or I have to prove my worth Really become a thing of the past. Now I also wanna be clear.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:15:31]:

 

This program is not for Anybody who wants to play games, make excuses, and lie to themselves, and just to really refuse to acknowledge the truth. This is not for anybody who wants to embody the role of the victim. This is not for anyone who wants to tear other people down or to justify why things won’t work for them. What we’re doing Through this fall season is we’re just having 4 mini retreats, tiny mini virtual retreats, so it doesn’t matter where you’re at in the world. The first is on November 6th. And during that mini retreat, we are going to talk about unmasking, The art and science of letting go and revealing who you are. And I want you to think about trees. You know, in the fall, the trees lose their leaves.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:16:32]:

 

That’s And unmasking, that’s a letting go. And it can be beautiful like Trees turning all sorts of glorious colors, or it can also be painful. And the truth is the choice is yours. And that’s our 1st mini virtual wellness retreat, the art and science of letting go. Whether it’s the pain of betrayal, whether it’s self betrayal, whether it’s Letting go of the dream that we will be married forever, it doesn’t matter. The second Mini virtual wellness retreat is December 4th. And during that one, we’re going to do talk about some tools for rest, For stillness and for cultivating deep peace in a frenetic world. Because, really, we live in a world that doesn’t honor the cycling of the seasons.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:17:34]:

 

It doesn’t honor the fact that we All go up. We all go down. We’re all tired. We’re all awake. There truly is a season for everything. And in December, when the rest of the world is gearing up for, like, all of these crazy, you know, end of year things or holiday things, We’re gonna take a deep dive mini retreat on these tools that you can use to cultivate rest, stillness, and peace no matter what’s going on around you. Because, really, the whole point of Sparkle All Season is to learn how to be okay on the inside No matter what is happening around you. Our 3rd fall season Mini virtual wellness retreat is on January 8th.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:18:24]:

 

And during that, our time together On that session, we’re going to talk about how to honor the fresh, the new, and the unknown. We’re gonna talk about a new paradigm for beginning a new year, whether it’s the real new year for you, like welcoming in 2024, Or whether it’s welcoming in a new year for you based on now I’m single Or now we’re having a new marriage. So often In our world, there is fear around change. Oh my gosh. It’s unknown. And there’s, like, this presumption that if it’s Unknown, we have to cling to the past. We have to hold on instead of shifting our perspective to be like, Hey. It’s unknown.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:19:21]:

 

That gives me the opportunity to create something new. It’s honoring that fresh, new, unknown baby year. If you’ve ever raised a baby anything, whether it’s a baby human or a baby animal, you know, when you look at that precious new life, And it’s just like, oh, they are so fresh, and they are so precious, and this is so amazing. That’s what this is about. It’s about honoring that new, fresh, precious place In your life, in your heart, instead of being like, oh my god. Now I’m on my own. I think you all know, even though I obviously Hated this whole betrayal experience even though it was the most soul shattering thing that has ever happened to me ever. It truly did give me the opportunity to create a new marriage, A new relationship with my spouse.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:20:35]:

 

A new relationship with myself. I reclaimed so much that I had lost along the way that I hadn’t even realized I was losing. And that’s what this whole new year celebration is about. It’s about looking at this beautiful, fresh thing and being like, hey. How can we cultivate this? How can we mold this into something wonderful instead of, oh my gosh. I have to hold on to the past. And then lastly, we’re

 

Speaker C [00:21:08]:

 

going to

 

Lora Cheadle [00:21:09]:

 

do a farewell to fall. Welcome to winter ritual And celebration, and that is on January 22nd. Now I also wanna be clear. All of these are done virtually, but you don’t have to Actually, be there virtually. I will also send you the link to the replay. And that’s something that’s good too because then it’s something that you can revisit When the time comes in your life that you’re like, and now I need to let go of this, and now I need to revisit this. So it doesn’t matter if you’re not available during the actual call. You’ll get the replay, and then you’ll have it forever.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:21:45]:

 

Now this farewell to fall, welcome to winter ritual and celebration. This is that transition out of the fall and into the winter. And the fall season is about releasing and letting go and about honoring that fresh new. And then the winter is really about rest. It’s about letting things be. It’s about stopping. It’s about moving into a place of slumber in dream time. And this will be a longer ritual and a longer celebration where we can really Let go of the fall and move into the energy of the winter.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:22:27]:

 

And then if you have enjoyed your time in sparkle all season fall edition, You can join us for a sparkle all season winter edition. And the same thing, it’s about many Bite sized tools, bite sized rituals. It’s about accountability and support along the way. Then if you like it in winter, you can join us for spring. And if you like it as in spring, you can join us in summer because this is going to keep rolling. Because if you’re anything like me, you have had that experience where you read something and you’re like all hyped up and you’re like, I’ve got it, And then you forget. Life is busy. You get distracted, and you fall into the same old habits again.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:13]:

 

You’ve Fall into the same old patterns of belief again because you don’t have accountability along the way. You don’t have that constant little bitty reminders along the way, Or it’s just too much, and suddenly you’re like, I can’t do 20 minutes of cardio, weight lift for 30 minutes, stretch for 10 minutes. I can’t do all of that every single day. Oh my gosh. That’s just way too much of a disruption. I can maybe stretch for 3 minutes. I can maybe walk to the mailbox another day. I can maybe do a little bit of weight lifting, but it’s not too much too soon.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:23:49]:

 

It’s little chunks along the way. It’s the atomic habits. And that’s what sparkle all season is about. Small, little, incremental habits and rituals and support and accountability along the way. So sparkle all season.com. Go there. Put your name on the list. You can get more information.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:24:12]:

 

This is ridiculous. It’s only $47 for the entire 3 month fall season. So it’s really kind of a no brainer. $47 for the inaugural season. Other seasons will be more, so you don’t wanna miss this. $47 for the entire fall season. Sparkle all season.com. Www.sparkle all season.com.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:24:40]:

 

And that’s really your first step in reclaiming yourself, Angela. Okay. So moving back to this whole idea of have you given up too much of yourself? I wanna say, what does that really mean? What does that really mean? What does it mean when somebody says I’ve given up too much of myself? It’s different for all of us, but what it really means is I’m betraying myself. I’m not keeping the promises that I make to myself. Like, if I say sleep is important to me, I need 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, and then I let somebody else distract me. I let somebody else’s needs take precedent over mine, then I am breaking a promise that I made to myself. And the thing is Nobody else is going to put you to bed. Nobody else is gonna do that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:25:44]:

 

That’s up to you. And, again, I don’t want you to push back and be like, well, yeah, but my kittens were throwing up. That’s different. You and I both know that’s different. I’m talking about routinely. Are you staying at work later than you should routinely because you wanna please Your boss? Are you doing things at home in the marriage routinely Because you feel like I need to take care of my partner. I need to please them. They think A good wife is.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:26:22]:

 

I think a good wife is, so I’m gonna play that part. Or are you trying to perform For other people. What I mean by that is, are you trying to get those accolades? Oh my gosh, Lord. This is the best dinner Oh. Look at how you look. You did that for me. You have to do things for yourself, and only you know what it is that you need. I work with boundaries a lot because boundaries are really important.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:04]:

 

And here’s how boundaries get confusing. First of all, a boundary is to support you. A boundary has nothing to do with other people. You are not controlling other people when you have boundaries. Boundaries support you. So the example that I gave of I need 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. The boundaries that I create are for me. No phone calls after a certain amount of time.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:27:38]:

 

If there’s a problem after a certain time at night, You need to figure it out. I mean, obviously, unless it’s an emergency, or hit me up in the morning, but I’m not available During 11 PM and 7 AM, I’m just not. My phone goes off. Those are the boundaries that support me. We talk a lot about boundaries in betrayal recovery, And one of the big boundaries is, like, contact with the other woman. Here’s how that plays out because this is a tough one. When you say it’s my boundary you, that’s not a boundary. It’s my boundary you can’t have contact with her.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:28:25]:

 

It’s not really a boundary. The boundary is if you have contact with her, It’s not really about you. It’s about me. It’s what I will do if what I will do if You are still in contact with the other woman is. I will stay living away. I will not let you back in the house. I won’t go to counseling if there is still contact with the other woman. Whatever it is, you choose for you what you are going to do if your partner still has contact with you.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:29:07]:

 

And the reason that I’m talking about these is we’re in the topic here of giving up too much of yourself. If you say I can’t be in contact with you, if you are still in contact with her, It’s a boundary to support you. You’re not punishing them. You’re saying my self worth, my mental health cannot handle Being in contact with you as long as you’re in contact with her. You can do whatever you want with her, but you’re not gonna have contact with me If you’re still in contact with her, that is me supporting myself. So when that boundary gets eroded, What you’re really doing is you’re giving up your dignity. That’s something that you’ve claimed that you need. And now all of a sudden you’re saying, even though I’m claiming that I need it, no.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:01]:

 

Never mind. It’s too hard. I don’t wanna do it, so you’re giving up a piece of yourself to cater to the other person. So the other person might say something like, I wanna see you because, and you betray yourself And go back on that that boundary and say, okay. Standing Up for yourself is hard. Here is why it’s hard. It’s hard because we don’t really know ourselves. We don’t really know what we want, and the only way to do that is to really uncover the truth.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:30:45]:

 

It’s to get serious. It’s to ask yourself. It’s to work with a coach that will help you understand yourself. What does it do to you when? How do you feel when? When does your integrity feel like it’s, oh, waffling? When do you just start feeling unworthy? When do you feel less than? You are a healthy, whole, complete, worthy human being. Your only job in this universe is to keep yourself Healthy and whole and complete and feeling worthy. I might say, I feel really unworthy when my partner’s eyes are wandering around to other people. That makes me feel icky. That’s just a gross feeling.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:31:50]:

 

It hurts me. Again, it’s not about controlling your partner’s wandering eye. It’s about identifying how does this make me feel. I feel icky. I feel gross. I feel less than. So what is my boundary around that? I’m not going to be in a relationship with somebody who’s got a wandering eye. I’m not.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:32:20]:

 

You again, you’re not telling somebody else what to do. You are claiming for yourself. I deserve to feel worthy. I deserve to be with somebody who doesn’t have a wandering eye. I’m the only one that can claim that. So giving up too much of yourself is when you continue to fight about it, and you say, please, you’ve gotta do this for me. Please. Okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:32:43]:

 

Well, we did it again. We’ve talked about it. How many times have we about it. You know how I feel. Blah blah. You know those conversations. I think we’ve all been there, but that is us giving up too much of ourselves. That is us not being able to draw a hard line and us self sacrificing something that we really Should not be self sacrificing.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:33:11]:

 

Again, there’s grace there for learning. There’s grace there for but over time, we give up too much of ourselves. I’m gonna tell you a little story because this is so true. For years. For 20 years. My kids’ school schedule took priority. When’s Christmas break? When’s Thanksgiving break? When spring break, what are the holidays? You know how that is. What are the concert dates? What are this? What are that? That would go on the schedule first.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:33:41]:

 

Like, here’s their dates. The next thing that would go on the schedule is was my husband’s calendar. Here’s his dates for things at work. Here’s his fishing trip dates. Here’s his family dates. Here’s and then his stuff would go on. And you know what I would do? I would work myself in the cracks. I would say, okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:08]:

 

Kids are gone between these hours. These are my working hours. Okay. Husband’s got this trip this weekend. I’m not gonna do it this weekend. I would put myself in the cracks. Now there’s nothing wrong with that when you’re saying and when you’re feeling Feeling good about it, and you’re not it’s not like you’re losing your dignity over it, but you’re doing it Because you honestly choose to. But I really challenge you to lean into how does that make you feel.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:34:43]:

 

Do you feel important doing that? Because there were years where, yes, I I felt very important doing that. I felt very pleased and proud. I was pleased with myself that I had a job coaching other people that I could work around my family schedule. It made me feel proud. It made me feel pleased. It made me feel joyful, And there were times where it made me feel like I was 4th in the family. It made me feel like, yep, Everybody else has a priority, and here comes Lora being last. And nobody cares that Lora’s got this conference, and nobody cares that Lora would like to go scrapbook with her friends in the mountains, and nobody cares that Lora already signed up for this event.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:35:42]:

 

True story. Lora signed up for this women’s event at church, and then other things came in and interrupted it. And Lora had to cancel her event her event. Uh-uh. Lora did not have to cancel. Lora chose to cancel with a big martyr Self sacrificing. I have to. There’s nobody else to take care of the family.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:04]:

 

I will sacrifice it. I will cancel even though I’ve had this on the calendar for 6 months. You just do you. It’s fine. It’s all fine. See the difference in the energy In that situation versus you know what? I am dang proud of this career that I have created because it enables me To still serve in ways that I want to serve and that I like to serve and that is important to me in my integrity. Totally different energy. So that’s what it means in giving up too much of yourself.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:36:39]:

 

Are you giving up things that you want to do, things that you deserve? Are you not feeling important? Are you feeling valued? If you feel loved and valued and appreciated, And you love and value and appreciate yourself, you’re in the right spot. If people are starting to take advantage of you, If people are not truly grateful for some of the things that you’re doing and you just keep trying to please more and you just try to conform more And then you’re cooking 3 dinners for people, and then you’re doing all you’re not here to serve anyone. You’re not here to serve anyone. Pleasing, conforming, and performing for others are toxic. It’s toxic behavior, and women in general have been taught to behave that way. Just this past weekend, we saw the play Tina, Which is the musical about Tina Turner’s life. And there was this great line in there, but it kinda got to me and it kinda twisted the knife, and it Kinda made me a little bit grouchy. The line was, it was at the beginning of Ike and Tina Turner’s relationship.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:37:56]:

 

In in the play, he puts her on the spot a little bit, and she has to sing. She obliges him by singing. And he is explaining to her mom, I put her on the spot, and she obliged me by singing. And the mom, Tina Turner’s mom, comes back with this comment that isn’t that what women do all the time? They oblige men. And I was like, oh, that hit me so hard. We do oblige men all the time. We oblige other people all the time. We have been culturally conditioned to be good little girls, to be star students, to be good moms, to be good wives.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:38:45]:

 

And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be good, but there is something wrong with always obliging other people. And it’s just to check. It’s that check and balance, check and balance. Instead of having that knee jerk reaction, yes, I will Serve. Yes. I will step in. Just checking in with your body, Checking in with your heart, checking in with your mind, checking in with your gut. How does this feel? Do I want to do this? Would it really nourish and nurture me to do this, Or am I just doing it out of obligation and guilt? Check-in with yourself.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:39:38]:

 

How I like to check-in with myself is to stop, to take a breath, and to smile. And the reason that I like to smile is because, a, smiling does release endorphins. So it calms you a little bit. It centers you a little bit. It helps you lean into a place of positivity so you’re not like. I wanna stop. I wanna breathe. I wanna smile.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:40:15]:

 

And then I just scan my body, my gut, My heart and my head. And those are the 3 places that I check-in. And in my head, I notice. Am I hearing things like I should? I’m hearing things like that then, nope. Let’s back away. It’s not an I should. It’s this full body yes. This is what I want to do.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:40:43]:

 

It would be my pleasure and my honor to do this versus I should. They did this for me. Next time, I’m going to. What would they think if I didn’t? I don’t wanna be selfish. Notice those thoughts. And then feel that space in your heart. Your heart is actually more powerful than your head.

 

Speaker C [00:41:09]:

 

Yes. I want to be there.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:41:13]:

 

No. Oh my gosh. Maybe they’ll love me. Maybe they’ll appreciate me. Maybe they’ll see. If you ever get that feeling, if I do this, they’re gonna see. They’re not gonna see. Spoiler alert.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:41:28]:

 

If you ever think Somebody is going to see. They’re not. They’re just not. You proving your worth is never going to work because it’s a trick. The person, the system, The thing you’re proving your worth to will always keep raising the bar, and then you’re never gonna get there. So if there’s any piece of that where you feel like I can prove myself, then stop. Stop. Stop.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:06]:

 

If it’s from love, yes. I can’t wait. That’s a big one for me for volunteering. So often I get asked to volunteer speak, to volunteer coach, to volunteer train. And you know what? It’s not about the publicity. It’s about, do I wanna serve this population? There’s a high school in our neighborhood that’s an alternative high school. I volunteer my time there because, dang, I love it. It feels really good, and that’s a population that I’d I feel like I can impact.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:42:46]:

 

I feel like their brains are malleable at that age. I feel like my insight, my connection with young people is something that can really change that. It’s not about someday somebody’s gonna grow up and hire me. It’s not about I’m gonna look really, really good, and then I can put their logo on my website. It’s about, yeah, I care about the future generations, and I can serve in this way because it feels good for me. And then the 3rd place is checking in with your gut. You feel like you’re obliging somebody? Does it feel kind of icky? Oh my gosh. I was just doing a reading last week for a client, reading with the librarians, my guides.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:43:35]:

 

And she was kind of laughingly said, I don’t know. I just did it, you know, in in high school. I I would just I would go out with the guys because I felt obligated to. And, you know, somebody buys you dinner, and then you feel like you’re obligated to be nice. And she said that probably sounds stupid, and I was like, no. It doesn’t because I think we’ve all been there. Oh, so and so gave me this. I have to do it.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:44:00]:

 

How does it feel in your gut? Do you feel obliged to do something? If you do, You don’t have to do it. Is somebody gonna be mad at you? Yeah. Could be. What does that mean if they’re mad at you? Isn’t it kind of their problem? Might hurt. It might scare you. You might feel ashamed. You might feel guilty. Think about that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:44:36]:

 

What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of feeling your icky emotions? Are you afraid of disappointing someone because you don’t want them mad at you? How many of us are still A little bit afraid of our parents. Why don’t my mom I don’t want my mom to know that. Oh, my dad can’t handle that. Really, what are you afraid of? I’m not saying go rub people’s noses in it, but what are you afraid of? And what would it be like if you just felt those are key emotions? Somebody can say they’re disappointed at you. Somebody can be mad at you. If you’re a mom, how many times have your kids been mad at you? Okay. It stinks. It’s not fun.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:45:27]:

 

But, usually, they’re mad at you because you’ve put a boundary that really needs to be there, and Okay with them being mad. In life, it’s okay to feel. Breathe into that discomfort. And the thing is, once you kinda play this scenario through and you think, I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of somebody thinking I’m a whatever. I’m afraid feeling like I’ve disappointed someone. I’m afraid of like, I hate it when people think that I’m selfish. I don’t want people to think that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:46:12]:

 

Once you start identifying it, first of all, it seems kinda silly. Really, Lora? You are doing all of this because you have a fear of somebody thinking you’re selfish. Wow. And then it gets kinda funny because you’re like, yeah, I know. And then you can really start questioning yourself. What does it mean if I am selfish? Even though I’m not selfish and they think I’m selfish, does that make me selfish? No. It doesn’t. Does it really matter? Maybe I can talk about it.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:46:44]:

 

I’m concerned that you’re perceiving me to be selfish, and that bothers me. The reason that bothers me is because I do care about your opinion. You can have those conversations Within yourself or with another person. And once you set yourself free to have those conversations both within And with other people, it really does set you free from that judgment. It really does set you free because you realize I have a voice and I have opinions. I can know myself. I can show myself. I can advocate on behalf myself, and it makes everything okay.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:47:31]:

 

And this rules nicely into the very, very last Peace is why do we do this? Why? Oh, why? Oh, why do we oblige others? Why do we make things difficult For ourselves to keep everybody else happy around us. And I just wanna call it out. Some of it is self worth, that we’re not valuing ourselves. What we value is somebody else validating us more than us validating ourselves, and that is a huge key. If you make The most incredible dinner in the world, and you will love it. That’s huge self validation. If everybody else hates it, you still made the most incredible dinner in the world. It shouldn’t change that.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:48:27]:

 

Is valuing other pit people’s opinions more than valuing valuing your own. And that’s that little self worth piece. We have to value our own opinion most. So why do we do this? Because we don’t value our own opinion. So that’s my question to you. How can you start knowing yourself more? Stating your opinion about yourself, Not your opinion about others, but your opinion about yourself more. I think I look great today. I think I did the most incredible thing today.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:49:12]:

 

I wrote this thing. I cooked this thing. I helped Notice what you are doing and validate yourself. I was so organized. I was so whatever. Validate yourself. That’s by knowing yourself, showing yourself, claiming yourself. This is validating yourself.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:49:33]:

 

Nobody else’s opinion matters. I love my whatever. Because the more you start validating yourself, the more you start Claiming your own opinions and validating yourself, truly, the better off you will be in the long run because it will I’ll break you out of that need to please other people and to conform to expectations so people don’t judge you And to try to outperform everybody and be a perfectionist and be the best. It really just breaks you out. So heart, Head, gut, and then validating yourself. What is it that you want to accomplish, and how do you grade yourself? You can do the a, b, c, d, f. You can do the scale of 1 to 5. You can do whatever.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:50:24]:

 

How do you rate yourself? It doesn’t matter how other people rate you. It matters how you rate yourself. And that is how to start taking better care of yourself because we’re so good at taking care of everybody else around us, And it is time to start taking care of ourselves, to stop giving away too much, to stop obliging everybody else, To step into our own power, our own identity, and our own self worth. So going forward today, what is the next thing that you have to do, and how can you validate yourself by doing it? The next thing I am gonna do is I am going to make a phone call, and I’m gonna do it without delay. Then I am going to do a little bit of a stretch, kinda get back into my body, wake myself up for me, Not because I wanna look a certain way, not because it’s gonna sound really good that I worked out, but because my body needs it. Now I’m going to validate myself for making this Call without delay and for moving my body. Know yourself, show yourself, and empower yourself to be who you are, And remember, Sparkle All Season. Sparkle All Season is going to be the best way that you can support yourself through this next Season of life.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:51:57]:

 

Whether you were in the fall season in your own life or whether you’re just in the fall season in the World. Join us. Learn how to flow gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. Have an amazing, Amazing week and always remember to FLAUNT!!! exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

 

Speaker C [00:52:30]:

 

Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1 through 8 says, for everything there is a season And a time for every matter under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to uproot. A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, A time to embrace and a time to refrain. A time to search and a time to give up. A time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

 

Speaker C [00:53:35]:

 

What season are you in right now? My guess is since you’re here that you are probably in the season of upheaval, Of being torn down, of weeping or mourning or giving up or throwing away. Right now, you are probably in a season That is not very much fun to be in. And the

 

Lora Cheadle [00:53:58]:

 

thing is that’s okay because as this verse points out, There is

 

Speaker C [00:54:05]:

 

a time for everything. There is a season for everything. That’s why I have created Sparkle All Season. It’s a group program based on the wisdom of the seasons. As a member of this group, you will receive small, Bite sized chunks of information. You will receive rituals, support, and accountability. So whatever season you’re in, you will get the support that you need processing, grieving, Moving through whatever is difficult and embracing what is to come. Sparkle all season is designed to help you be okay on the inside no matter what happens on the outside.

 

Speaker C [00:54:58]:

 

It’s a blend of self care tools and rituals for each season that will help you stay energetic, Balanced and happy. If this sounds like you, go to www.sparkle all season.com And sign up. Enter your email and your name, and you will get the information that you need. It’s only $47 for the entire fall season. That’s 3 months of small, Bite sized chunks of information, wellness retreats, inspiration, accountability, Ritual and support that will help get you through whatever season that you are in right now. I really, really look forward to connecting with you, to holding your hand, and to lovingly supporting you through this Beautiful season of fall, helping you let go of whatever it is that you need to let go of right now. Again, www.sparkleallseason.com. $47 for the entire fall season.

 

Speaker C [00:56:16]:

 

That’s really a no brainer, and I can’t wait to see you there. Www.sparkle all season .com.

 

Narrator [00:56:29]:

 

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!!!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with radio host and live choreographer, Lora Cheadle, every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM EST on syndicated the DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm, and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through betrayal recovery guide at naked self worth